War, Reaction Videos, Dog Advice | Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-26

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 2nd, 2026. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus. I've had this fucking cold for like 10 days. I don't know what it is. Do you think it's the Al Qaeda? Do you think it's illegal immigrants? What could it be? I'm having a false flag about my fucking throat here. Anyways, March 2nd is a very significant day for me. I started stand-up comedy 34 years ago today. I looked it up today, how many days ago that was. Because I remember somebody asked me, you know, one time, said, how did you get good at stand-up? I said, well, you know, I did a bunch of sets. And they said, well, you put your 10,000 hours in. Because there's that theory that if you put in 10,000 hours on something, you are then a master of it. Which, you know, I could do 20,000 hours of singing. I still wouldn't master. I'd still be terrible at it. You have to have a gift, right? There's got to be some sort of hope. Like I could read out loud for 20,000 hours and I still wouldn't be good at it. So that's what the guy said. He said, oh, you put your 10,000 hours in. So I was trying to think how many hours that I've spent on stage. And then what I did was I actually looked back and I said, how many days ago was March 2nd? you know, 1992. It was like 12,400 something days. So I would almost have to be doing like a half hour set every single night since 1992. So there's no way, I'm nowhere near 10,000 hours on stage. 10,000 fucking hours. That's like having a headlining gig every single night for 30 straight years. If you do like, because what is it? It's 365 days in a year. This is some Rain Man shit. 3,650 every 10 years. So yeah, so 20 years would be, what is that? That's like 72, 7,300. And then you need like another, you know, like 17. So for 18 fucking straight years, you'd have to be doing an hour a night um there's no fucking way there's no fucking way i'm anywhere near that even back in the day when i would do like new york city you could do seven eight shows on a weekend you're doing like 15 minutes yeah and that would be like what is that 15 times seven that'd be a couple hours on stage both that'd be four hours there was like years of my career where I was on pace. But then what happens is once you get a following, you know, or you move out to LA, you just don't get the same amount of stage time. So I don't think that that's the case. I don't think that that's the case. So I have not mastered it yet. I have a long way to go. And a short time to get there. Old Billy Burr is fucking sick this week. that's what I get for going to a goddamn I was sick before I went to a theme park I went to a big spreader event after I got it look at that so anyway I watched a couple of Bruins games they're going to be knocking those things out because of the Olympic break so they played the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Philadelphia Flyers I have to tell you I borderline resent the fact that the city of Columbus has an NHL team. I want to know why did they pick Columbus, Ohio? Why didn't they put it in Cleveland or in Cincinnati? You got the Cleveland Browns, the Cavaliers, and the Guardians. Why not get them a hockey team? There they go. They got their four fucking teams. Or you go down to Cincinnati, right? Then they have the Reds, the Bengals, and then the fucking Cincinnati ribs makers, whatever the fuck you're going to call them, the slow cookers, right? So then they'd have football, baseball, and hockey. They would just need a basketball. And then Cleveland would have football, baseball, and basketball. And maybe you could bring those two cities together. They would say, hey, you know, sometimes I'm envious of you. And they could be like, you know, sometimes I'm envious of you. and then leave Columbus what it is. It's a fucking college town where one of the great overrated schools exists. No, I don't have a problem with Ohio State. I mean, they are a little full of themselves with the Ohio State. Like, oh, are there numerous Ohio States? Is there a bunch of imposters? Ohio State? I can't even say it. Is there Ohio State of Miami? Anyway, I always thought that was weird. So I started talking to somebody about that. Those fucking lonely franchises, where they're just the only ones. Like the Memphis Grizzlies. The Orlando Magic. Just sitting there next to Disneyland, SeaWorld, and a fucking alligator farm. like what are those fucking athletes supposed to do out there what are you gonna do you're just gonna get in trouble you know i can't believe nobody on the orlando magic has never lost a leg to like a fucking croc just doing some dumb shit like you just can't go to disney world again you can't go to sea world and see those killer whales with their dorsal fin flap down because they're so fucking sad that they're in captivity. Then you got Jacksonville, which is like this destination city for alcoholism. You know, the Georgia, Florida game, everybody goes out there to just do a bunch of shit that they wouldn't do in their own fucking place, their own town. It's like a rental town. It's completely disrespected. And in the middle of all of that. They have a fucking NFL franchise. I kind of get that because Florida is such a great football state. What's another lonely one? Just sitting out there all by itself. Just one fucking team. Vancouver, Canucks, Calgary Flames. No, but you know what? They have CFL teams. They got the BC Eagles, the Calgary Shitstompers, and the Edmonton Eskimos. Right? Surprised they didn't make them change that name, right? What would they change it to? What is the proper terminology? You know? What is the proper terminology for a group of people use the right term that you're not going to help them out after you've fucked them over? What is the proper word to call them? Jesus Christ. Anyway, you know what I do whenever I get a cold? This is a great cure. What I do is in the middle of the night, I get in the shower, and I put it on as cold as humanly possible. And then I go outside naked, and I just stand out there for a good 45 minutes. And then the next day, I don't have a cold anymore. I have pneumonia. I'm sorry. that was a long way to go and a short time to get there that's gonna be the theme on this um anyway so i watched the bruins we beat the blue jackets the lonely blue jackets you know what i mean just not understood columbus isn't a hockey town that's big 10 football columbus jesus fucking christ can you imagine if some canadian kid right pond hockey on somebody's fucking farm property in the middle of fucking nowhere saskatchewan and then you dream someday i'm gonna make it to the nhl and i'm gonna go where there's people and buildings and stuff to do with the third selection in the nhl draft the columbus blue jackets select you off of your farm to go to columbus fucking ohio at least if you play for like the Orlando Magic there's no state tax which works at that level if you're making like 20 million bucks it makes sense to move to a state where there's no state tax but if you're just fucking a ham and egger if you move to a state with no state tax they're taxing you everywhere else I love that whole idea oh yeah there's no state tax. Oh yeah? They just run the state for free? All those people you see fucking whatever the fuck you do down there, clearing shit instead of snow plowing, you're fucking plowing up the shit that got knocked over during a hurricane. You just, it's no state tax. No state tax works out for the fucking, for really rich people. That's what it works. Everybody else it's just like alright well it's like buying a car you know they just move the numbers around and they still get you and you think oh I got the car for 8 grand but then they had like another 12,000 on the other side but the price on the sticker says 8 grand but you gave them 20 something like that I don't know how they do it I never figured it out I just always had this sneaking suspicion that I got fucked anyway anyway so I watched that was a great game. Bruins Flyers game was a great game. That was a great game. A lot of almost goals. Great fight. Tanner Janot fought the Flyers. Tough guy. Came out on top. Great fight on both sides. I think I'd give the edge to Tanner. Bloodied the guy up a little bit. It was funny. Later on in the game, he goes after Charlie McAvoy with a total fucking clean hit. Great hit. Great open ice hit. The guy had the fucking puck. He hit him. He didn't fucking hurt him. And then this guy takes exception to it. I think he was taking exception to what happened to him when he fought Tanner Janot. But at the end of the day, the Flyers won it, got the empty netter. And then that was it. That was the end of that. And then I watched the MotoGP. MotoGP is back. I'm very excited about it. You wouldn't know. I'm just a little fucking under the weather. I guess Mark Marquez's shoulder is banged up a I missed the sprint, but I heard Pedro Acosta won that. He's actually the points leader because then he came in second place in the race. Marc Marquez had the weirdest thing. I've never seen this happen. Like his back tire just blew out. The rim got bent and shit. I think that's when he went into the gravel. I got to see what the hell happened. But of course he didn't wipe out. I could have been riding that bike eight miles an hour on a turn. In a turn, whatever you say. Under a turn. No returns. And if the fucking back tire blew out, I would have high-sided and I would have, with the weight of my head, I would have flown off the top. And that would have been it. And this guy was going, I don't know how fast, into the turn, probably 70 miles an hour when he started, you know, after he had slowed down. Slowed down and he still didn't fucking wipe out. But he was running great there for a minute. but uh what's his face Marco Busceki won it then Pedro Acosta and then Raul Fernandez with that new cool team track house that has the same paint scheme as Ford versus Ferrari the Ford with the gulf on the side which I used to really like and now I just see that and I just see false flag war you know like it used to be a cool t-shirt now I feel like if you wear it there's people around the world going like, oh, you like those guys? They blew up my house. And I got to give a shout out to I Ogura. I love the way he rode, the teammate of Raul Fernandez. It's kind of funny that his first name spelled A-I with all the shit that's going on. So I did all of that. and then um i guess now we're going to go to war with iran because god knows we have the money right like where the fuck i don't understand you know like you remember when netflix first started and they got like 20 billion dollars in debt and you're like how the fuck are these guys ever going to pay this off and then they start and then somehow they started to is that what we're doing globally we're just going to keep having all of these fucking wars and then what in the end when we, you know, get rid of the terrorism slash get all the oil, then what? The oil corporations are going to pay back the debt for using the armies to get all the oil, right? That's what they going to do No they going to leave us with it So fuck all of that Okay That shit that going on in Iran has nothing to do with you or me or any regular people That has to do with Trump Netanyahu the Ayatollah guy the fucking Hezbollah, all of those, Tony Blair, all of those fucking, that's their fucking shit. all that's in Iran is a bunch of people like you trying to figure out what to say to some hot chick or get a fucking sandwich whatever they get a kebab over there they're just they're just like you that's why I travel because that's what you see and then you realize oh every country is run by an absolute sociopath that doesn't feel love so they try to fill the void with power so they just start all these rumors about everybody and then they send all the regular people that are just trying to get a sandwich talk to the hot chick or fucking you know buy a boat whatever the fuck you want to do little dreams like the other day i had a little dream i had a little dream i was going to go to the supermarket get myself some Havarti cheese so i could fucking make a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich and you know what i went in there and it was there. It was in there, you know, and it was probably packaged by somebody who was then put into an ice van is now surrounded by alligators because those people are the, they're the reason why you can't afford a house. Not these fucking trillionaires. Um, you do realize there's a finite amount of money, right? And if one person has all of it, all of that, there's a bunch of people living under a bridge. There you go. Okay. And the geniuses with the deregulation of corporations in the capitalist system, they opened the door for all of this. So now two guys own the media and then that's it. So what's going to happen is these fucking billionaires are all going to become trillionaires and you and I are going to argue with each other and possibly kill one another in the fucking street even though we should be on the same team it's fucking brilliant but anyways let's talk about Iran for a second aside from all the shit that's going on over there they have an unbelievable amount of earthquakes over there like this is from someone living in Los Angeles so I was like I wonder why that is you know and evidently they sit on not one but two fault lines the Arabian and the Eurasian fault lines, two of the biggest fault lines in the world. And for whatever reason, they got all that oil money over there. I don't know why they don't fucking, I was looking up how many of their buildings were up to code. And it was like 60% of them. Like when they have earthquakes over there, a staggering amount of people die. It's fucking insane. They had an earthquake in the early nineties, 40,000 people died. it's insane um anyway what are you going to do i mean i don't i don't know what to do with any all that information everybody's telling me you know this is happening and then they're doing this because of this they're doing that it's like you don't know fucking why anybody's doing anything all you know is what you've been told or what you were allowed to to read so i have no idea what's going on so i listened to the bullshit here and then I read the bullshit on Al Jazeera and then I fucking watched some bullshit on fucking BBC and then what you know what you do is you take all of that shit you wad it all together and you throw it over your shoulder and you go downstairs you make a grilled cheese sandwich and you just enjoy the hell out of it knowing full well that whatever's going on over there is eventually going to be here so you just try to enjoy your life while these sociopaths Run it into the ground. And evidently Jesus is going to continue laying on an L-shaped couch and he's not coming back. What is that dude waiting for? I just picture him. He's got like one of those virtual reality fucking helmets on. He's up there playing like Grand Theft Auto. God's like, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to go back down there and judge everybody. I'm gonna. Just one more game. And then God looks at him going, you know, I spoiled you. And then Jesus looks at him and goes, really? And he's like, dude, that was a long time ago. All right, you had a bad couple of fucking days. You know, you had a three-day weekend. You shook it off. You came back. You freaked some people out. Never since then, you've just been fucking chilling out. All right? Okay, you're right. I made a mistake. I have apologized for an entire fucking millennial about this shit, almost. If Jesus was born in the year zero, he lived to be, what, 33? So in 2033, he's been gone for 2,000 years. 2,000 years as a millennial. I'll tell you, Jesus has put in 10,000 hours and not fucking coming back to help people out. He's mastered that. Hats off to him. Hats off to the state worker up in the sky. Anyway, anyway, I've got some shit I'm going to work on this week and stand up. I'm going to talk about some fucking, dude, I'm going to get on stage, talk about some shit I want to fucking talk about, and then I've got to get geared up here. to go. I don't even know where the hell I'm going. It is March. Holy shit, my tour starts. Oh my God. As excited as I am to go on the road, I have absolutely loved, loved not fucking going anywhere. I have not done a proper tour since the end of 2024. Then I did to play. Yeah, so I go back out on tour. And this tour, I'm going out and I'm playing my favorite cities and my favorite venues. I've just slowly been putting this tour together, talking with my agent about all the different places I played over the years and the good times I've had. I want to go back and play like places for like two three nights that's what i want to do so i can fucking go to a city unpack and live like a goddamn person instead of jumping all around like i'm fucking running from the law um all right um my kids were off school this week we had a great time I took my daughter golfing for the first time and it was funny the only reason why she wanted to go golfing I forget if I told you guys this on Thursday because she wanted to drive the golf cart and she had a great time and I'd be honest with you fast forwarding to when she turned 16 and gets her driver's license I'm gonna love every second of that because I can tell you this I've definitely put in 10,000 hours driving in my lifetime I've been everywhere man I've been everywhere the fucking amount of when I used to do fucking college gigs back in the day I didn't have any money so like I would like land in Kansas City and then drive to like Olathe or I would land in Omaha. Omaha! And I would drive out to what the fuck it was called halfway through the state, Harris something around, I can't remember these fucking places. Dodge City, Sioux City the Quad Cities that fucking giant mall in Minnesota Duluth, I would just fly I remember fucking landing in Detroit and I had this fucking gig in the upper peninsula of Michigan. So I was thinking Michigan. So I landed in Detroit. I should have landed in Milwaukee because that upper peninsula part goes over the state of Wisconsin. So it ended up being what I thought was going to be a six hour drive and it ended up being like eight or nine hours. And I went over the bridge that's up there by like Lake Superior and I swear to God I saw every goddamn varmint that nature has to all badgers wolverines fox all these raccoons all of these fuckers and then the shit just kept getting bigger then it was deer just run I remember that so much shit ran out in front of my fucking car driving up there that I tried to get retroactive insurance because I turned down the insurance and then they wouldn't give me insurance because they thought I already hit something I said no, I'm fucking driving up here and, you know, I'm seeing all these moose and elk and all of this shit. And they're like, sir, could you not talk like that? And I'm just like, I'm talking like somebody who's driving 70 miles an hour and something as big as a fucking horse is running out in front of me. Sir, I'm going to have to end this phone call. All right. You end the phone call. does it make you feel better is your lunch gonna taste better that you're leaving me out here with these fucking pheasant and all of this other shit I swear to God that should have been a hunting show I should have driven up there with some fucking redneck in the passenger seat and it's like a video game remember that shit that used to go across the screen whatever ran out in front of it he'd shoot and kill it you know it'd be great and he goes out of his way to talk about how much he doesn't give a fuck about the animals to get all the liberals and Peter people freaking out in the comments section. All right, sorry, my daughter came and interrupted. She told me she wants to get some more of those fucking squishy baseballs that can hit a window but don't break it. She keeps hitting them up onto the roof. It's just, it's a matter of time. it's a matter of time before I call I do a podcast and I've fallen off the roof and fucked up one side of my body um not anything happening I always make sure I'm fucking safe when I do that shit I don't fuck around I mean I do fuck around and I make my lovely wife nervous but I always make sure that I don't do anything fucking stupid cause you know there's a lot of shit that you can recover from, but falling off a fucking roof at my age is not one of them. I feel like I would hit the ground and I would just splatter into a million pieces like you threw a statue off the thing, one of those hollow ones, you know. Anyway, I want to thank all you guys for all the nice stuff you said about that Valentine's Day video clips that I did with my lovely wife. That was a really fun thing to do and kind of give you guys a glimpse of, you know, how much fun we have together. Because, you know, the Internet's an ugly place and there's a lot of fucking punks out there with like phony accounts and shit. And they really say a lot of fucking horrible shit because they're ignorant. So it was fun to kind of just be there and show the truth rather than the shit that fucking people write. Like, it's so insane. It's so fucking insane. You know, with all this stupid... Like, I don't get how these fucking nerds are all glorified. They came up with these social media platforms where people can just write racist shit on it. You know, it's like, doesn't that bother you that that's your business and that that's what people are doing? you know as a stand-up comedian you know there's a certain kind of laugh that you hear in the crowd and it's an ugly laugh and it's just like you hear it and it's like if you're a person it bothers you it's like well i gotta watch how i'm saying that if that's how that person heard it because you can hear when there's there's that racist fucking or like homophobic or just something like you can just hear it so as a comic i say to myself all right i gotta do the math like is that because is that some shit that that guy walked in with or am i saying this in a way that he thinks i'm saying something that i'm not saying so you got to go back and look at the joke if you're a fucking person the fact that these fucking nerds you know have these platforms and just people can just sit there i don't know all of that stuff i think all of that shit rich people they leave it because they know it divides people and they're able to stay where they're at like that's the only reason why i have to be honest with you like when my last special came out like i really thought the big thing people were going to ask me about was the clan bit questioning why they still exist why if we fighting a war on terrorism that that group is allowed that they somehow are protected by free speech And then why aren other races allowed to come up with their own version of the Klan? Why, if they do it, does the FBI goes in and fucking kills the people that are trying to do it, but the Klan, they tolerate. Well, I thought that was going to start the dialogue, and it didn't. It didn't. The most liberal of all white people would come up to me be like sad men how did you come up with that bit that was the one that resonated it's fucked it's fucked how ingrained and normal that that shit is but anyways it really wears on you so it was a nice thing you know to be able to do that and i'm glad you guys the decent people out there fucking enjoyed it and um i don't know i i just i don't understand those other people you know they're really weird people they're really like evil people that are and they're also like simultaneously really into god that fucking weird shit there is something about like all religions it just seems like the more hardcore you get into whatever religion you're into the easier you can justify killing another human being. I don't know. I don't care. 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Fastgrowingtrees.com, code BURR. Now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use BURR to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right. Mercifully, we are into the questions. we're in we're in into the questions here for the uh for the week all right oh jesus someone's going to correct me wait a second are you actually suggesting that i might have made a mistake how dare you all right silicone valley hey billy breezy balls motorcycle rider reference just a heads up The geographical area you are referring to in California is called Silicon Valley, not Silicon Valley, you silly fuck. Oh, that's actually kind of funny. I'm calling them the fake tits of California. All good to the family. Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. All right. I'll try to remember that. I don't even know where Silicon Valley is. I envision that it's somewhere near Stanford and the Apple building, right? I love how the Apple building is just like this big circle, you know, and we're all supposed to be like, wow, man, you guys are so fucking different. It just like you know the Pentagon didn they do the same fucking thing You just picked a different shape And let me guess the circle man just think about it The wheel how it changed the world Just like Steve Jobs. Did you ever see a bigger fucking jerk-off in a turtleneck just constantly trying to remind people of how fucking special he was? Sometimes I feel like when people are like that, you know, when they die, when they meet God. God's got to be looking at them like... He probably doesn't say anything. He just looks at them. And he just waits for them to slowly look at the ground in shame. Be like, all right. I know. I kind of compared myself to your son. You got me. I get a little out in front of my skis. What do you want from me? you know I had great hair for a while I wore a turtleneck comfortable sneakers I mean that was fucking radical office wear I would sit Indian style crisscross applesauce on my desk you know right next to my computer with all that shit humming near my balls anyway commentary videos bill uh one of the one of the worst things to happen to comedy is these reaction videos where dorks break down issues in comedy how about just reaction videos in general it's always a video of somebody doing something i find it'll be like a drummer playing something and then like there's this other guy all right let's see what's going on here ooh okay all right wow whoa like just like dude i know this guy's playing great and now you're fucking it up because i have to deal with your reaction to it i want to do that in like the louvre all right let's see what this is all about you walk up to like the mona lisa and it's not about the painting anymore it's about my reaction to it and i can't even draw a fucking stick figure I had no idea that people were doing these with stand-up videos. I think that's fantastic. Because then it just becomes, now it's a new kind of comedy. It's just watching these dorks break down issues in comedy. It's essentially gossip. These guys talk with authority about people they probably don't even know and clubs they've never been to. They're really doing this? the golden age of podcasting ended when giant companies could produce their own shitty scripted shows just because you're famous doesn't mean someone wants to hear your boring ass take hey it's coming a little fucking close to me here it's funny watching major networks try and recreate what you guys did grassroots style no advertising the show on the side of a bus no gimmicks, just interesting people talking. The YouTube nerds that spend hours creating stories about beefs that probably don't exist are making money being bitchy little hens. Well, if they're bitchy little hens, you know, let them cook as the kids say. Let them be fucking little bitches. I don't know. If it's a reaction video, I don't watch it. I, you know, I just move on to the next video. I don't give a fuck. You know, like, why don't I watch like a five-star chef make something? All right, let's see what this guy's about. Oh, oh, yeah, that looks tasty. I'm not even good at making a grilled fucking ham and cheese sandwich. I lost my fucking touch. I can toast the shit out of the bread, but it gets toasted, and then the shit in the middle is still fucking cold, and I know what you're thinking. You're like, well, Bill, your heat's too fucking high. I tried that. I don't know what happened. I lost it. I got the yips. Like Chuck Knobloch, Steve Sachs, you know, or Joe Biden halfway through his speech. Also, I don't really care if I disagree with the comedian's take. I don't need anyone sounding the same. Whatever happened to being able to like someone you disagree with? Anyways, thanks for the years of podcasting. I've been listening since 2011. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's how I look at it. You know, like I don't, there's a whole bunch of shit that I don't like or I wouldn't do, but I don't give a fuck if somebody wants to do it. Face tattoos. Hey man, have at it. I would have stopped before you got to your neck. You know, that's just my own. I don't like sleeve tattoos. I used to like them because it meant something. Now, you know, a fucking barista has one. And then I just don't think, I think people are in such a fucking rush. When was the last time you saw a really, truly good sleeve tattoo where it was like interesting to look at and all of that? I just think the way guys like Bon Scott did it or Axl Rose, you know, he just had fucking tattoos and then he had a bunch of skin around it. He had some negative space. You fucking fill it all in. I don't know what I'm looking at. Oh, my God. I'm going to start doing my reaction videos to sleeve tattoos. All right, let's check out this guy's sleeve tattoo. Okay. You know what? I actually like that. Oh, look at the elbow. I bet that hurt. My dog, Benjamin. You have a dog named Benjamin? I kind of love that. First movie I ever saw, For the Love of Benji. I don't even know where to begin. This is about my dog, Benjamins. Benjamin or Benjamins? Benjamins takes it in a different fucking direction. All about the Benjamins. Or is it just a dog named Benjamin? I don't know. You're all over the fucking map. You know, I went over and I went to a buddy's house last night, smoked a cigar. and he has a chocolate lab that I absolutely, I love this dog and this fucking dog loves me. Like we say hello for 20 minutes when I go over there. My buddy just goes out in the kitchen. He starts making cough because he knows how long it's going to take. I just sit there going, what? I know. Oh, I know. You know, when they do that thing where they look like they're going to bite you and they make like they smile and they're walking in a circle. This fucking dog is awesome. Anyway, this is about my dog, Benjamins. I'm going to call him Benjamins. I like that better. And then you could just say, you know, do you love your dog? Oh, yeah, man. I'm all about Benjamins. He's a sweetheart. I love that. And I love him more than I love most people on this earth. Of course you do. You know why? Because the fucking thing's always happy to see you. It doesn't judge you. that still loves you. He's a great dog. Unfortunately, he's got a little bit of food aggression issues. Oh boy, where is this going? Please tell me there's no kids in this story. I'll try and keep this somewhat short and to the point. I moved in with my grandmother about a year ago. Oh no. Benjamin. It's back to Benjamin. Benjamin loves her, unfortunately. unfortunately though bit her for the third time bad enough that she had to go to the hospital and get stitches all right you got to get rid of that fucking dog most of all it was beyond traumatic for her she's almost 90 years old dude what the fucking fuck I get it if she gets bit three times when she's 89 but I draw the line at 90 um while her hand is healing from the bite she's been staying with my aunt at home. She's truly afraid to come back home. I don't know who would want to adopt a 10-year-old pit bull with mild food aggression issues. Dude, she needs stitches. The chances of my grandmother passing... Wait, sorry, I read that through. I thought you were fucking hedging when she was going to die versus your dog. The chances of my grandmother possibly being bid again is not an option. Good. Financially, it's not an option for me to just jump ship and move right now. My heart is torn. I know you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn that you brought home and into the world. Yeah, I had to get rid of my dog. I had to get rid of my dog and I gave it to my trainer. And I still would visit the dog before the trainer moved. And then I would only see the dog when I would perform in that state. And then what happened was the dog came back for a visit and I still felt guilty, but I knew I did the right thing. And then one day I had her in the house and my daughter, my baby was on the bed where she used to sleep. And I had the dog on the leash. I had the dog, right? And I watched my dog, looked over at my baby and the ears went up. And usually then, you know, I would do something to change the direction because she was fixating. I let her fixate. She looked over and she went and growled at the baby. And that was it. That was it. That was fucking it. That was like, I made the right decision. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. And by the way, fuck that shit. Anyway, I knew you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn that you brought home and into the world. If it's an option, maybe you can send me the name and or the information of that guy your dog went to live with. It's an absolute responsibility to seek out and exhaust every other situation possible because putting him down, as simple as it may seem, is anything but simple. I want to say it's not even an option. Don't worry, I'm going to reach out to this guy. If he can't do it, he probably knows a direction you can go in. But you're making the right choice. My grandmother wants to, as well as deserves, to come home under the roof of her house. So time is of the essence, yes. On a side note, without trying to blow smoke up your ass, you're hands down one of my favorite comedians. Oh, thank you. From the way you look at things to your outlook on life and your greater Boston area, no kind of bullshit attitude. And when you get this message, I really hope you can help me in the right direction. Sincerely, a fan for life. All right, dude, I have been there. That was one of the hardest situations, decisions I had to make. And I remember my wife was in the third trimester. My baby was due in January, our baby, and it was November. And it was almost like my wife knew I was going to say it. I went in and I said honey and she didn't look at me and I said we have to get rid of our dog and she never looked at me she goes I know and we did and it fucking ripped my heart out of my chest I fucking cried about that like you wouldn't believe but I'm also not gonna lie to you the fucking relief that I had surprised me. It obviously did not equal the sadness I had. I fucking loved that dog. I still loved that dog. That dog was fucking crazy, but so am I. And, you know, but the dog was legit crazy. I remember my, even my trainer said it, said, was like, dude, this is one of these dogs nature said no to, people said yes to. Even he was saying this dog is fucked. But I'm not shitting on pit bulls because some really close friends of mine, this married couple, they're the best, great kids and all of that. They have two pit bulls, and they are the goofiest, friendliest, silliest, fucking awesome dogs. And when I go over there, I always think like, man, I wish the pit bull I had was like this. I just you know but you know what what was great was Cleo lived like I mean beat the odds and she lived an entire life like a dog like that a pit bull a stray and it's like fucking squirrely and trying to bite people like those things don't live long and I don't know she lived to be about 14 years old or something like that. It was pretty fucking amazing. So anyway, uh, I am a man of my word. I am going to reach out right now to my trainer because, uh, you are making the right decision, sir. And, uh, you know, but you're also a good dude. You don't want to put your dog down. I mean, that's literally the exact fucking situation that I was in. Um, so I would be an asshole if I didn't to help you out. So I'm going to do what I can. All right, buddy. All right. That's it. Okay, everybody go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday.