3 Ways You’re Weakening Your Message Without Knowing It

Before we get into it, quick note, I just launched a premium version of the podcast on Supercast. If you want ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs where I answer your questions directly, it's all there. If you'd like to support the show and get access to all of that, I want you to go to jefferson.supercast.com, or you can check the link in the description below to join. All right, let's get into it. The top three mistakes that I see communicators make are, one, they use absolutes, the always and the never. Two, they over explain their words, and three, they find a way to not take control of the first seven seconds of the conversation. Without those seven seconds, everything else does not fall into place. This is the Jefferson Fisher podcast. You know what it is if you're listening, and this is good content for you. If you would, just please press the subscribe button. It means a lot to me, my family, and tells wherever you're listening that this is good content. I want to get right into it. So, number one, if you don't want to make this mistake, it's very simple, but it's also very hard. Absolutes. You know what it's like when you're in conversation with people, or let's better yet, in an argument with somebody. Probably somebody you're very close with. I might be married to, I might be in a relationship with, and they use this word out here, always. Usually, there's something that comes right before it, and it's the word you. You always, you never. They're generally not positive statements, if I had to guess. The only time you hear those is in some kind of negative conversation, meaning the other person's using these words with a downward, mad, angry, frustrated, disappointed expression on their face. You never listen to me. You always say this. You never care. And it should just send sirens off in your brain. That is one of the number one mistakes that I see communicators make if they're trying to actually have productive, efficient, successful communication, is they use the absolutes, the extremes, when in reality, we both know that's not true. And really, the other person knows it's not true. They know it too. It just feels better to say it. It feels better to use the absolutes. Let me, let's play it out for a second. Let's say you and I are in a conversation, and I'm in an argument with you, and I say, it is just like, you always say this. You every time you come in, you always say, you never do anything that I ask. You never pick up around here. You never do this. You never, you always want to be the first to do those words, those absolutes. They create a lot of friction in the conversation because the conversation is no longer about the issue. It is now about the accuracy. It's no longer about the thing you were first originally talking about, what's beneath it all. Instead, it's now about the accuracy of somebody's statement. That's what happens to your brain when the other person's side, when you use the absolutes, what happens to the other person is they start to go, that's not accurate. That's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do this. They start to try and pick and poke and look at the accuracy. Okay, well, let's look at the timeline. When's the last time that I said that? When's the last time I did that? It becomes a timeline game. It becomes who's more accurate, whose memory is better, who is the kind of the referee of the argument. An accuracy calls when somebody blows the whistle on accuracy, say that's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do that. It's now a second argument. If you have straight line of A to B and you and I are talking and I just use the word never, you never, happens, we split. It's the multiverse. We have two different timelines happening because now that second one only cares about accuracy, meaning you're having an argument about whether you always or never did the thing. When I say accuracy, it's about are they saying something that is correct? As soon as the other person goes, actually, I don't always do that. It stinks because you're like, I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about the issue itself. That's where you get caught up. Jefferson, what's the point here? The point here is that you don't use them. I know that sounds easier said than done, but it happens all the time. It happens in my relationships. It happens in my family's relationships and my friend's relationships. It happens among all of us. What I'm saying is it will happen. The key here is quick to fix it. What are some ways that we can do that instead? If you catch yourself using that, one is if you catch yourself saying always and never, be the bigger person and grab it back. If you say always, catch it and go, actually, not always, a lot of the time, some of the time, most of the time, catch it. If you say it out loud of, listen, you never stop yourself and you hear it and go, actually, it's not never. It's a lot. It feels like a lot to me. If you can catch it and grab it, that's an easy win. You now don't have to have that second multiverse argument about accuracy. Number two, a quick way is to say when you've, I feel, it's a framework that works in a lot of different circumstances. You've heard me on this podcast talk about it and it's a framework that works a lot of the time. It's when you, I feel, saying when you do this, I feel that. When you X, I feel Y. When you speak to me in that tone, I feel like you're disappointed in me and I'm doing something wrong. When you leave the food on the counter, I feel like you're asking me to take care of it and you're being passive, aggressive or whatever it is. When you, I feel, it's a very easy way of putting that in there because at the end of the day, these always and never statements, they're really just a self-expression of what's going on inside you, right? Of what's happening inside. Because in your body, it feels like it's always or it's never in these absolutes and it's way clear for your body to go, I feel it right now. So this is what it must be all of the time. And so when my body says never, it feels like never. So what's another way? A third way we can take care of this is think of it as a headline. Think of it as a headline, meaning I'm going to say up front, I'm going to say up front, I'm going to tell you something. It's not always, I feel like it's a lot of the time. And then give the statement. You see, I kind of use the headline to give you a preview of what I'm about to say. And let me try it again. We could do it different way. I want to tell you something that's important to me. And I'm not saying that it's never, but I am saying that I feel like sometimes it's hardly at all. Then give what you need to say. So it's like combining the when you I feel with a catchback is saying, I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now, I'm going to use the word never, but I know it's not. I know it's not never. I'm just telling you it feels like it is. Can you relate to me on that aspect of that? Am I, are you safe enough for me to say it feels like it's never, even though I know that it's not? My brain tells me, my body tells me, my emotions tell me that this is always happening, but my brain knows objectively, it's not always happening. Before you keep going, this episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. And also in many ways, my mom, my mom, I gave her some Cozy Earth pajamas. All right. They are very soft. They're made of bamboo and very, very light. And my mom's never been like a big PJ person. I think she's just been a Moo Moo person. You know what I mean? 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I think she just wants a whole supply, just a whole wardrobe of Cozy Earth PJs. So for me to you, you're not going to regret it. CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson, use the code Jefferson and get the 20% off. And now let's get back to the episode. All right. I think we've covered all the absolutes. There's a range, right? From always to most of the time, to some of the time, to often to never. It is something that easily slips up a communicator because, right, they no longer hear about the issue and now it becomes about accuracy and a recollection of events and people have to get out there, their logbook, and they'll remember, I did this this time and it does not serve you. All right. So don't be doing the absolutes. Number two, over explaining. You and I have talked about this many times and I will say it again. I like to use the three sentence rule, meaning if I can't say it in three sentences, I'm going to try to find a different way to work that. Now you might go Jefferson, this whole episode's longer than the three sentences. What are you doing? Yeah, I know. There's some context that happens in this. If I need to write an email or a text or I'm trying to say something assertively, I'm going to try to apply that framework. It does not apply to casual conversations with friends or to a podcast or to certain things that aren't going to require that level of professionalism or a little different threshold of a conversation that you need to have. And again, it's just a guide that's going to keep you from over explaining because what happens? The more words you use, the less people are going to likely do what you want them to do. The more words you have to use to say no, the more it kind of sounds like you're wanting them to push you to a yes, especially with boundaries. The more you try to explain your boundary, the other person starts to hear it not as a no, but as a negotiation for them to go, oh, well, if I took this off your plate and took this off your plate, which would be willing to do it then and see it feels weird because now they've kind of changed the paradigm and now you feel like you got caught in some way. You kind of have to act yes, because you took too long, used too many sentences, gave too much context to explain what you need to say. What I tell everyone in my clients when I prepare them for deposition is that answer the question only. And if they have more questions, it is on them to ask. It's a muscle, right? It's a learn skill. So don't think that all of a sudden you have to be in deposition cross examination mode anytime anybody talks to you. That's not my point. What I'm saying is when it comes to communicating boundaries in particular, or really anything, the more words that you use, usually the weaker the point becomes, because it's confusing, people get lost, people grab onto one sentence and start to use their message. Let's say you use an absolute for goodness sake. I mean, that would be terrible. They all of a sudden in the middle of your monologue, somebody grabs onto it always and that's all they think about. That's all they hear about. Or I mean, how many times have you been in a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I wonder what's for lunch today. And you just have thoughts, distracted thoughts that are normal and are going to happen. There's a natural part of this. So how do you eliminate that as a communicator? Cut down on the excessive words. The excessive words. I know people that they're just looking for a captive audience. Really. And sometimes I give them one, because I might be the only person they've seen and I got to talk to in a few days. And so they just need to kind of get it all out. That's okay too. But for the most part, when it comes to effectively communicating, the more words you use, the harder it is to communicate a clear and certainly a consistent message. Number three, this is the one I want to give you the most on. It's about controlling the first seven seconds. And this is not some scientific study. So I don't think I have some lab where we've ran all these tests. It's not. It's just the school of Jefferson, just of my experience saying, hey, in about seven seconds, I can tell, you can tell where the conversation is going long before it gets there. In the first seven seconds, nobody's really listening to your words. They're listening for what you do, meaning your signals. Are you somebody who sounds upset? I'm not listening to your words. I'm listening to the tone of it. I'm listening to the music of it. It happens a lot related to music. And music, we do the same thing. It is usually the first three seconds of just the music, or five seconds or seven seconds of the music that grabs our attention and goes, okay, I want to listen to this. This is something that resonates with me long before the lyrics show up. It's kind of the same way. If I'm approaching you, and somebody who's very, I'm looking like I'm negative. I'm looking like I'm intense. I'm looking like maybe I'm really passive, or maybe I'm really shy. You're reading all of that in seconds. If you can hear the tone of my voice, do I sound serious or not? Do I sound playful or not? Do I sound happy or not? I'm listening for all the signals long before the words ever come out. I know when Sierra walks into a room, if she's in a good mood or not, right? And she knows the same for me. I know with my kids. When they walk in, I can know immediately if something is wrong. 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They're listening to all those things long before the words ever come out of your mouth. So if you want to be an excellent communicator, it is making sure that you treat those first seven seconds like they are liquid gold because if something falls apart and it's oftentimes that it does, you get the chance to say, I need to say that differently. I want to redo. I need to reset this conversation. If you feel that it starts to go off the rail immediately, I need to say that differently and restart those seven seconds. Right? Because if you're not in the right mindset, if you're not in the right, yeah, I don't think another word for it. If you're not in the right mindset, neither will they because conversations generally don't go south in the middle. So if we have a beginning and an end, conversations typically don't start to lose control in the middle. It's at the very beginning. Meaning at the very beginning, it's set it up. Devahar conversation. If I'm in an argument, let's say, and let's say it's me who gets frustrated, I'm going to get frustrated really quickly right out of the gate. And you know what? That's kind of color, the whole rest of the conversation for me. And I'm going to have to be doing the mental work to try and dig myself out of that, you know, that mindset. Same for somebody else. If they're trying to deliver something to you and you're not being receptive of it, the good communicators say, I can tell that this is not going where we need to go. I'm going to restart it. Or let's push it for another time. So to me, the first seven seconds of the conversation is sort of like the tail wagging the dog. I know if those first seven seconds aren't going well, it is rare that the rest of the conversation will somehow turn by itself naturally and improve. What I typically like to do, and what I'm going to encourage you to do is reset it. So how do you do that? If you find that the first seven seconds are not going well, the good communicators will reset it. They'll say phrases like, I need to redo. I need to restart this. It's not asking. You could ask if you want it. Can I try that again? Somebody's going to say, yeah, of course. They don't ever say no. But yeah, of course. Or what I like to do is say, can I say that differently? I need to say this differently. And I restart it because most likely if I'm asking that, the other person's lost. They're like, yeah, please restart it differently because I didn't prepare. I didn't do the mental gymnastics of making sure that I'm in the right mindset before we go into this conversation because that's normal and what happens. Three quick, easy tools to improve your communication. Number one, we talked about absolutes, the always and the never's, and how those quickly tank the conversation to start talking about accuracy rather than the true heart of the issue. Two, we talked about the excessive words, how whether you like it or not, the more words you start to use, the weaker your message becomes. And the more the other person hears it's an invitation for them to try and problem solve what you said and fix it rather than actually stick to your boundary. And number three, we talked about the value of the first seven seconds of a conversation because nobody's listening to the words not near as much as how they're listening to you and if you're actually ready for it. So how you show up in conversation, how you show that you're controlled, how you slow down your words, how you make sure you have the right tone, how you make sure you're approaching the conversation is something that you can actually lean into rather than pushing them and making sure that you're in some kind of defensive posture. That's not going to be anywhere that's going to want to get you to where you're wanting to go in the conversation. So how can you make sure that you preserve, treasure, value, prioritize the first seven seconds that's going to make sure that you become a better communicator. So let's avoid those three mistakes and I think my voice is actually starting to go out. So this is perfect timing. As always, you can try that and follow me.