#748 - ARI MATTI + EHSAN AHMAD

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian RedBan with a jump out. And the fifth damn band in the land. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. I'm going to hand for Raul Valerio for Nando Castillo Carlos, so so Michael Gonzalez. That's where you would clap. Matt Mjoling, John Dees, and this is the great D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. What an episode we have for you this evening. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world and so much in store for tonight. Very excited about it. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week absolutely no different. I mean, wow. Sometimes it's fun to introduce new people. Sometimes it's fun to have a guy from New York or Philly or LA or somewhere that you've never met before. This one is a homegrown episode. These two guys are absolute Killtony legends. One of them for being one of the best panelists. One of them for being one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Both of these men, while one of them looks like an American and the other one doesn't, the one that doesn't look like an American is an American. And the one that doesn't look like an American is actually from the land of Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests are Ari Maddie and Esonama. A son, a mod Ari Maddie, the Estonian assassin and the brown bomber. How exciting is this, ladies and gentlemen. Ari, welcome to the panel of the show. Happy to be here. Me and Eson look like we're planning the next 9-11. This does look like the press conference for that. I'm getting the fun thing. We almost nailed it all. They shot down United 93. Took a loss there. But we have to plough forward onto the next one. 9-11 press conference. You guys know how the show works. You both know it very, very well. Eson with one of the best jokes of 2025, the famous Indian woman's vagina joke. He says, do you want to see what an Indian woman's vagina looks like? And then he goes like that. You guys get it? There's a little slow audience here. It's a hairy vagina, everybody. This is crowd. I don't know about this crowd. It might be some locals trying to fucking, I mean, look at the fucking Gucci fucking hoodies. I love, yeah, I should be with them. It's like, douchebag. I should be with this guy. Yeah, what's up, uncut, gyms? What's up, the boys? Earrings and gel. It's a lot. It did look like you guys planned this. Yeah, 100, yeah. It wasn't planned that guy says, absolutely incredible. Are those real? You guys really have that? What do you do for a living to have Gucci and you don't work, you retired, you sold your company? What kind of company was it? It was what? Software. Software. Software. What kind of software? What does it do? It's complicated. No, it was a company that integrated with SAP. You sold SAP. What's SAP? SAP? Rich people was real vague. Yeah. You know, we sold it to SAP. We got the GBT. Yeah. Now we get it into EBTs. It's a TLA. Yeah. Yeah, keep throwing more letters at us. Yeah. I think I throw it at us. You're coming across as a real FAG. You should be able to explain what the company was that you sold, but you're going to wear Gucci hoodie out. And I mean, you have some explaining to do, sir. Well, welcome to the show, everyone. You guys know how it works. Over 250 human beings signed up for tonight's show. Very exciting. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. Yeah. Some audience member did it better than the man who's been doing it for 12 and a half years. This is where a panics and just starts hitting random buttons for no reason. Anyway, they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. And that interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. They go from being a lucky comedian to being interviewed on the biggest live podcast in the world. They have no idea if they're going to get selected or not. I've pulled the name. We go wrangled them from the bar next door. And in the meanwhile, while that first bucket pull finds out that he or she is indeed about to have the opportunity of a lifetime. I have a golden ticket winner. It's going to show you supposedly how it's done with a brand new 60 seconds. You guys get it? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight is the long way to return of golden ticket winner. This is Mason Bird, everybody. I was walking late at night. And I saw these two women walking down the street. And one of them looked at her friend and said, oh my god, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us anyways. I turned around. I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast. Uphill, not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman. Don't ask why. And she asked me. She said, Mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same exact way I view God. Only in a time of dire knees. You will find me on my knees praying. There you go, Mason Bird. Ending with a big applause break there. Was there something else? I'll do a quick little one. Okay. I think abortion should be legal. All right. But every time you get one you get a tear drop tattoo on your face? Petch and bodies out here. There you go. Way to set the tone, Mason Bird with the first new minute of the night. Welcome back, Mason. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Absolutely. How's it going? Good to go. I got fired from Jersey, Mike's. Oh. Was it because of talking about it on this show? It was 28 days late and they caught me stealing three sandwiches. When you hire you, you know you're going to steal some sandwiches. What are we doing here, man? Yeah. You were 28 days late? In a row. Yeah. Oh, God. In a row. I was like three minutes late every day because I hated my boss. That's horrible. Wow. So that's what it takes to get fired from a Jersey, Mike's. Yeah. I was also pretty bad at the job. How can you be mad? How can you be bad at making sandwiches? I was very fast. I was always in the back doing something I was supposed to be doing, like eating the cookies or, uh... You know, so I'd mixed up pops together that get really mad about that. You mix pops together. Yeah. If you do like Mountain Dew and like Cherry, you make your own code red. If you just... Look at you. Jesus Christ. A real... A real chemistry set over here. Oh, yeah. It feels like Cherry Mountain Dew is your blood type. Yeah. It's a Mountain Dew live wire, actually. Are there any more wild mixtures or food experiments that you're good at? Um... Food mixtures? Yeah, I love just, uh... I call it doing chopped at the house, where I'm like, let's make tacos, but with potatoes and, um... Apples and see what we can give. That's just like, I'm hungry, I have no food. I've been doing this new thing because I'm trying to lose weight. Right. If you eat a piece of you to cheese and then like the actual bread, it feels like eating two slices. Instead of one, Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. This is incredible. This is amazing. Jesus Christ, that's the baddest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. Hell yeah. A lot of things. You said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos. I think I've ever heard of my life. I've been trying a new thing. Potato and apple taco. Hell yeah. So you put those in a taco shell or you're using the potato as the shell? I should do that. It's such a good idea, dude. I should flatten it and fry it and make it into a tortilla. I have good vac guy ideas. I have some. I was really, uh... I came home a little bit tipsy the other night and I made myself a sandwich in the middle of the night. You would love this, Red Band. This was so you. This is the most you thing I've done all year. I had a sandwich and the only... I looked at my fridge and there's a little, you know, one of those yogurt. There's like a little yogurt there. And I opened the yogurt and I have the sandwich but I forgot to grab a spoon. So I fucking started dipping the sandwich straight into the yogurt. Eat it. It's normal shit. Oh, normal. Okay, is that a normal fat guy thing, Mason? I mean, I'm fat but Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's wild. It's funny. I eat like a fat guy sometimes and look at me. God loves me. What do you think the fatest? What is one of the guiltiest fatest, like, just, Ab? What you wear, you're like, God, I can't believe myself. He's ready. Here we go. So what I do is I got like a party-sized bag of Doritos and then I'll cut the top off. Like, not the top, like, the sides. So you get like a bowl and then you put meat. You just make a bag of nachos. All right, sad. All right. What a party. That's Frito Pie by With Doritos. It's pretty much. Exactly. Redban is the senior disgusting food correspondent here live on the scene. How about you? Do you have any confessions? Uh. I mean, you literally have no shame in your game. You post in the middle of the night. I mean, my favorite, of course, the classic. You take an olive garden bread stick and you put your finger all the way through it so you hollow it out. And then you just pour Alfredo sauce inside of it. Holy shit. It's like a gushard, right? An Italian gushard. Oh. Oh, my God. Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. It's a fat off. You're turning once. Yeah, what do you got? It's a fat off. How do you top that big boy? Big boy. Oh, man. Fuck. Um. I gotta try that later. He's hard as a rock right now. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a blatant direction at the thought of a hollowed out olive garden bread stick filled with Alfredo sauce. Do you eat that or have sex with the Redban? Us. Oh. There you go. Mason, anything else crazy happening in your life? Um, let's see. Half black sister. Half black. She's addicted to huffing keyboard duster. So that's a fun thing we're doing right now. What? Keyboard duster. It's like whipped, I guess. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So she's half black. So you guys have the same mom? Yeah. My mom came back. Us. What do you do? She's older. So they went to say once you go black, you never come back. Oh. Yeah. You have an older half black sister. And what does this computer duster addiction? How is this affecting her life? Um. She got into a car accident because she was huffing an emater pass out with her kids in the car. Oh, boy. Wow. Sorry, Shelby. Sorry. Wow. I used to do that shit too. Wait, what? Wow. Our senior top pick correspondents is here. I could tell you from the Midwest too because of this and pop. But we still shoplift keyboard cleaners from Myers and we would hit it and be like poor people with wippits pretty much. Wow. And my friend did it while he was driving and he passed out and I had to pull up the emergency break and we crashed his car and he blamed me for it. I'm like, dude, we're going towards a train. Like what the fuck? Absolutely. Amazing. Have you ever taken all of Garden Breadstick, empty it and sprayed computer dust in it and then inhaled through the all of Garden Breadstick? Because we could hit black belt levels of pigetry. Mason, you had a solid minute, anything else for Mason, guys? I loved that. I had a great one. Yeah, it was a really good one. And it was impressive after the joke after everyone gave you the applause for that one and you landed that as well. It was awesome. Yeah. Great stuff, Mason. You're showing the difference between a golden tick a winner and a red bullet to pull. And this is the part of the show where we go to the bucket, everybody. The bread, the hollowed out bread and butter of the show, if you will. This is a bucket. Now, this is where we meet people. Anything can happen. They could be the future. It could be an insane person. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Luke Aaron, everyone. Thank you. Aaron. I think that people need to stop making fun of Lizzo. I mean, she's one of the most popular artists of our generation. And I just heard that she's starring in a new anime show. I'm not sure if you all have heard of it. It's Avatar, the last chairbender. I think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on also as an insult. Like a girl will be like, I need some dick right now. And then she'll also be like, that guy's being such a dick. But then guys will do it too. They'll be like, you know, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. And then they'll be like, bro, why are you being such a pussy? I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I don't also do that because I say to my friend, come on man, why are you being such a retard? You know, I'm sorry if that joke offends you. I'm just looking for my special someone. Thank you. That's all I got. Okay, we're garing. Are you mad at me? Number one, how long have you done stand-ups? Sorry. I like four months. Like four months. Number one, suggestion to everybody who watches Killtony. Everyone's done this when they start stand-up. Yes. The mic stand is the focus point of the vision of the crowd right now. That needs to be out of the way as soon as you get on stage. Move it over. As soon as you get on stage. Right now, have the crowd. Look at him. If you look at the stick. They're looking at you. They're looking at you. They're looking at you. They're looking at you. Cool hat. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, okay. That's just a suggestion. Thank you. And you got to put the mic up close to your mouth. Okay. I'm sorry. You're like, it's creepy. Yeah, you're talking about it. There you go. Okay, okay, okay. So Luke, let's talk about it. What made you want, how old are you? I just turned 26. 26. What made you want to start stand-up a few months ago? Well, I was just, I had two jobs after I graduated college. I was hating them. And so I wanted to try something fun. What were the two jobs? I was managing a restaurant and then I had a sales job. Okay, what was the restaurant? It was in green. It was called Sully Steamer's. And what type of food did they have? It was like a, it was like, what was the call again? Sully Steamer. Sully Steamer. It's not a sponsor. Gucci guys asking, shut the fuck up, Gucci guy. Who's that in self-carolina? Shut the fuck up, dude. You fucking god, I hate you. It's rich people added to it. No mic in the crowd. So tell me. Look at them with this. Fucking pink drink. This entitled fuck. Gucci hoodie, pink drink. Just asking his own questions. Like he's on panel tonight. God. I hope you get hit by a C-A-R after this show. Get him. So Luke. Yes, sir. One job was the salty Steamer, which sounds like a gay sexual maneuver. It was. And the other one was a salesman. What were you selling? I was selling windows and doors. Windows and doors. Well, that must have been easy. Everybody needs windows and doors. No. Sell me a window or a door, right now. You go door to door. Yeah. Just go to it. Someone that doesn't have a door like, hello. Is anybody in there? Good news for you. Do you feel a draft in the building? Exactly. Have you ever had a window there? Have you ever had a window there? No, I've never had a window over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall over a wall like a son is walking up to, where would you be, lows or something like that? I assume he didn't have a home. Right. But, yeah. There you go. Okay, Luke, with his biggest punch of the night, right? Thank you, thank you. Quick on his feet, but seriously, if he obviously he would need windows and doors for a building I need to take down. Okay. So, I'm a willing customer. So I'd be like, hey, how old is your home? That's how you open it. I knew he didn't have one. I knew he didn't have one. Is your home? Yeah, exactly. I know. I know. And then I would say, and then how old is your daughter? That was a minute. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Forget it. Forget it. I'm too far. Too far. I would say, how old is your home? And then they would say, you know, it's this many years old, which would mean it was either wood or vinyl. And then I would say, oh, so I'm guessing there's draftiness or rust or whatever it was made of. It was, I hated it. All right. Yeah, I can see that. So how many? I hate it too. That's what I'm trying. Yeah, thank you. Okay. So Luke, you're 26. You just started this. What have you learned in your few months of doing stand-up of doing open mics? What surprises you about this industry? Tell it to the people at home. I'm surprised how many people are trying it that are horrible at it. Right. And you are part of that. No. I know. But it's good. You're not going to lose your windows, not enough mirrors. Huh? A sauna mat. A sauna mat. This is for the lights that have been activated, ladies and gentlemen. A sauna has activated the lights. That means that the lighting and sound guy in the back found that hilarious. A sauna. All right. So Luke, Aaron, here you are. You're chasing your dreams. What else surprises you about the industry? You do a lot of open mics? Not enough. Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Christmas is around the corner. I know, I know. Better, I'm better at writing them than delivering them to be honest. But I mean, I just wanted to get a job doing something that I actually enjoy. And, you know, so that's why I'm here. But I still, I know I need practice. I should hit more open mics. So I've just been working a lot. Yeah. Working at what? A guy just the other week said he works at, well, should I say it? Well, I get in trouble. I don't know. I work at, I don't know what you're about to say. I work at a, Jersey Mike Hotel and Resort. I have a hotel in Resort here in Austin. Here in Austin. Okay. And is that, are you having fun doing that? You know. It's a job. He's the Bales. Chief. I don't love it. It's not my dream. What's your love life like, Luke? You seem to say. I actually, I actually have a girlfriend and we just did our three month anniversary. Three month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that. Yeah. Wow. So what is the, what? You've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have hurt counting on the 27th or whatever being a special day every month. I figured, I know, I figured that like, like, if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still like, I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be like a red flag. But 26, you still got some room to, you got some wiggle room. What does this have to do with your, well, I didn't hear what you said. How did you know, so like, you said that you just celebrated, just answered a random question. Yeah. You know, in 11 years, this isn't working out. Well, that's why I did it. Okay. So Luke, I hear them today, Bales. All right. So Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three month anniversary. Yes. How did you know it was your three month anniversary? What date does that land on? Oh, the 29th. Okay. So I was close, by the way. So how did, how did that start? You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her like, you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend? Yeah. And that happened three months ago on the 29th. Three months ago on the 29th. So then after a month, you're like, oh, shit, it's the 29th. I got to do something special for her. She definitely reminded me. Okay. So what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very exciting. I bought her a necklace. Oh my god. One month, that's all it takes. Four weeks of trickery to get a necklace from you. I know, I know. Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this fucking guy. All you have to do... It was on sale. Well... My favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What little they had left. Okay. So let me ask you this. This is the huge million dollar question. What did you do for her on the two month anniversary? What some people would call the paper anniversary? Or perhaps the yarn anniversary? You've heard of these gold diamonds over platinum. This would be the yarn anniversary, the two month. Normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two month anniversary? Argued. Ah! Hell yeah. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough. That's true. Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics, too? No. You're scared they're gonna steal her? Yeah. That's enough. Okay. Here's the billion dollar question. The world wants to know, Luke, the three month anniversary just passed a couple days ago. What did you do on the three month anniversary? There's this cool text in guy, like, come on, Luke. We're rooting for you, buddy. It's guys rooting for you right now. What did you do for her on the three month anniversary? A-K-A-The-Oxygen anniversary. Ah, argued. Really? Is this true, Steve? No, I mean, I don't remember. What do we do on the three month anniversary? We probably went for a walk. Wow. I don't know. Okay. What have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different. Well, I grew up super religious. So, I'm just trying to go into the real world and date regular people. So I'm having trouble with... Explain to us exactly what you mean by that. Be very specific religious. It's your argument that you got into, so you will know the answer to this question. You don't want to say too much. Come on, it's okay. Well, I mean, just like... She'll understand. You're on a big show. My sisters had to wear skirts past the knee. So, yes. You know, I'm... And you only use... Great. There's a guy booing skirts below the knee right now. So, you know, I'm like... If on her Instagram, there's Bikini. Which Instagram? Oh, what is red band wants to know? Jealous? Yeah, we can't read that. Everybody is a secret chat, you know. There's a whole bunch of... Yeah. I don't know. I went to like a super small Christian school. Yeah. And then she goes to a big school. A lot of... Anyway. What did that lady say? What? Mormon or Amish. That's what she said. It was independent fundamental Baptist. Oh, my God. So, Jesus Christ. So, you only want to use the back door, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Wow. Yes. Amen. Wow. So, what types of things... What's the most religious thing you ever had to do? Is that really how long I've been interviewing this fucking guy? Jesus. I mean, I grew up going to church. Wow. Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and then the school was part of the church. So, anyone that like wasn't really involved in the church was like an outsider. So, anytime, even like I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking like those people are like lost people. And the goal is to... Sort of crude. Tell the recruit. The recruit. Exactly. You would go up to them and you'd be like, so, how old's your home? Exactly. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Yes. How old's your church? How old's your church? Wow. That is crazy, Luke. So, what do your parents think about you dating for three months? What you seem to think is a straight-up hooker. Exactly. Exactly. Actually, I... She's a whore! By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know. That's going to be the part right there. But it was funny. Everyone enjoyed it. I know. Oh, yeah. No form of anniversary. You will see. We'll see. Actually, they met her. I brought her home with me for a wedding. What did you wear? Not enough. But why? Look at that. No, but... Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of Stand Up Comedy. Here's a little joke book. You're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. Old, lucky Luke. Getting up four months into his youthful career. Nearly practices. Oh, my God. That sound can only mean one thing. Mix the noise to the lovely Heidi, everybody. Brilliant, smart, beautiful, charismatic, tits. Tits. Who loves tits? There you go. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen him before. It's been a while. Mix the noise for Charles Adams, Jr. everybody. Let's go Texas! Texas! In you! Yeah, they fucked up my parlay, though. I kind of had to win it. Thank you. Yeah, man. My brothers getting married next week to a woman. A black woman. Just your bitch ass, huh, man? What the fuck? All right, yeah. Took me a whole two days right there, joke. Motherfucking, big ass f***ing. Yeah. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party other night. And I got real wasted. I need a lot. The dancer was dancing. And I went to give a $20 and I threw up on up. I mean, I threw up on a pussy with like, I called it in my mouth. And I'm squirted in her pussy. I don't give a f***ing. You know how I look. I look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartending and this, any guy came up to me, said, hey, my friend, can I have any grooney? I was like, bitch, what you calling me? All right. That's my time. All right, Charles Adams Jr. Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's assault. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a stripper's pussy is $20, too. It was squirt, it was a... Wow. Is that real? No, that's true. What did she do? She couldn't tell you because I put the 20, like... Oh, wow. That's how I covered up. What an industry. What an amazing industry that these strippers... What strip club was this? Damn, for real, you want to know. It was perfect 10. Perfect 10. Perfect 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was about a three. Yeah. Oh, I can't get my change back. Wow. Did they kick you out through her? No, they couldn't tell us up. I covered up just enough. Oh, that is. But I did sneak out though. I did get out of it. That is incredible. That is... I don't even know what to say about that. Just squirt. And then what did you do? Swallow the rest down or spit it out? Like this is disgusting. It was something... Like just held it together and I got out of the club. It was amazing. Outside it was a different story. Amazing. Wow. Well, you're one month anniversary is coming up any second with those squalmines. So, might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years ever since we moved to Texas. Tell us how life's gone. We don't know this but this is six times right now, man. It's been doing great, you know? Yeah. We're hit line in the shit. We're fucking roast shit. This motherfucker right now. What happened? Explain to the people. I fucked up my minute, man. How did he fuck it up? He was just like... I was like, shut your tongue, Torres. This front row is filled with rich, entitled douchebags tonight. It is quite shocking. I definitely served him a couple of drinks before. Why was he in the groneys? Sir, if you yell one more thing out, I'm going to have him vomit on your crotch. Better get it together. Charles, anything else crazy happening in life? Tell us about it, man. Man, I'm working with security over at a Cap City Comedy Club. I'm saying, okay. Yeah, dealing with some... I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the domain. It's like a shopping center. I don't know what it is. It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place. The Cap City, it's in such an odd place in the city. Yeah, but just... Where's the restroom at, Bully? Like, what the fuck, why are you... They call you boy, they call you boy, yeah, you know what I'm saying? They don't mean that. Yeah. Up at the domain. They dress like that. They fucking acts. To be fair, like I thought the restroom was. So... Bloss, right there. The handicap version is right there. Yeah, man, they fuck with me. But, you know, I keep it strong. I don't know. I still get paid. I still help them out. Are you mad at me? Guys who wear t-shirts that say sportswear are never too sport-y, are they? That's not fair. This is a throwback. This is sick, I'm so okay. I fit anything. I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct? Yeah. It's getting into this past, man. Oh, Jesus. You can't blame one there for 60 pounds. Yeah, that is... I'm so old together. You're supposed to cut the turkey. Fuck you, bitch. Does the zipper close? That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket close? Does the zipper close? I mean, you know, not right now. Because I'm nervous. He's like, nah, just stay open. Hey, no, just stay open. I gotta let people see me. You know, I got a really nice belly button. Charles, what's the craziest you live by yourself? No, I got a roommate. Okay. Yeah. White boy. White boy. Too bad, Jim. How many bathrooms? Too bad, Jim. Too bad, Jim. Too bad, Jim. Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. See if you're your own bathroom. You don't want to say clean, too. Okay. Is he clean? I don't know. Going in shit. Right. Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us? That's yours. Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number two. We want that first one. Red band, don't make a chicken noise. That's so, that is so, that is a disrespect. Well, do you have chicken in your refrigerator? I got a bacon soda now. Okay. All right. Here you go. Red band is an opportunity of a lifetime girl. It's only six seconds late tonight. No, no, the bacon soda. He was taking bomb rips tonight. That's a new thing. He's been doing lately. He's bomb rips before the one thing a week. That he does that anybody sees. Nothing more professional than vodka red bulls and bomb rips. This is my partner here, Brian Redban. Charles gets filled with bacon fat. I know how to pick them fat. Is it what you said? Charles, what's your love life like? My who? Your love life. I mean, it's something. Oh, shit. Single, but you know, something. Yeah, something's happening. I guess we're complicated. I don't know. Okay, what's happening? I'm just going to pick that bitch. Okay. What exactly is going on there? Well, a lot of other guys are fucking that bitch. Oh, okay. Not me. How do you know that? How do you know other guys are fucking your girl? I looked at her and I began. I was like, oh, who's... You looked at her DMs? Hell yeah. How? Meanwhile, you're puking on struts. I was stressed. She can't hear a couple of guys. You were seriously impulsive. At the perfect date? I was stressed. I'd take it out on somebody. So how'd you end up finding her DMs? I went through her tablet. Oh, my God. Look at you just looking for trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went through a tablet. I was like, who the fuck a tarot home is? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a tarot home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all black. Oh, yeah, all black. Yeah, it's infuriating, isn't it? I hate it. Yeah, get to a good white boy. Fuck you. Yeah, let us come up. You can fuck them, but give me the money. You know the way? Yeah. I let her start a... Was the feet fine to shit? Yeah, I was like, you don't fit. Maybe. Are you pimping out your girl's feet? That's what I ain't gonna say to loud. Wow. I don't pay that much. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, it's just nice feet. Wow. You're in the feet? You fuck her feet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna put her in the feet. You fuck her feet? Shit. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I start them. Oh, yeah. Look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. You're not gonna... You can eat impossible to do that. I just did it. To almost no-after or applause whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. The people online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway. Yeah, so when you're... You fuck her feet sometimes. What else do you do? You suck. You're a freaky guy. Yeah, yeah, you suck. You can impuss these fucking feet. Damn. I'll be hungry, you know what I mean? I would expect... Yeah. You're in the foot-longs as well. Fine. Oh, my God. No. Alright. Yeah, that's gay. Charles, fun times. You already have a big joke book. That's that... This guy threw you off this racist... That's odd, Gary. Fuck you, bitch. Sorry, Charles. A roba you asked in front of this one, fuck it's a gay shit. This guy's gonna be asking you where the restroom is right after this. Alright, there he goes. It's Charles. Adams Jr. Ladies and Gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving here. These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. Alright. Your next bucket pool, Ladies and Gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone. Evan Quigley. I'm trying to undo my circumcision. They stole it. They stole it. It's gone. I think I still have enough love for a two and a half or three skin. I think that is the inward for vaginas. And Quief would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a bored game or a game I never get bored of. Specifically, it's like battleship. I see six. Nothing. Cool, your turn. The necessity, they say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk. The night roller blades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay. Okay. Evan Quigley. Welcome, Evan. How long you been doing stand up, buddy? Two years. I got a DUI in the middle of it. So I wasn't allowed in bars for open mics. You weren't allowed in bars. Yeah, I had to wear an ankle monitor that I cut up in my sweat for alcohol. It's crazy. You don't have to drink at the bar. No, but if someone spilled a beer, someone will be back. You killed somebody? Hold on. Yeah, wait. DUI is DUI. Just a regular old DUI. Here in the great state of Texas. No, in the great state of Florida. Oh, so in Florida. Florida to have DUIs. Yeah. Jack, DUI capital. So was it your first DUI? Yes. And on your first DUI, they put a strap on your ankle that could sense alcohol. It's technology's crazy, man. We're in the future. How fucked up were you? I totalled my car on some train tracks. So you were next to the car when they arrived? All fucked up. Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually. Really? I was worried about the train. I was like, uh, what if I get like a terrorist charge or something or blown up a shipment, you know, supply chains? Wow. Okay. It was dumb. I want to get a tape with that call. Yeah. I don't want to be a terrorist or nothing. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. Our senior terrorist correspondent. Son of a- Yeah. Usually you have to wait till the train is there to crash into it. That's very- Right. Yeah. So I find this so interesting. I've never heard of alcohol detecting, uh, ankle bracelet before. That's what it was. It was on your ankle? Yeah. And I live in like a residential neighborhood, a lot of families. And I got into fitness because I couldn't drink. So I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor. And I would put another sock under my sock and do like, when I'm running like a leg lifts at the stop signs of people think I'm stuck in the 80s. And I like a rate this. I have no idea what you just said. I could- I'll never be able to make that out exactly. Even if you repeated it a thousand times, I don't think it would ever make- actually make sense to me. I feel monitors are kind of cool. It was fun. They got to put people at, you know, people would just point at me and say ankle monitor. Yeah. So how long did you have to wear it for? Uh, it's a four year. A full year. You couldn't drink. Yeah. And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle so you didn't even practice. I wrote. I wrote. You wrote. Okay. All right. What do you do for work, Evan? I'm an arborist. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick and they pay me. It's kind of good game. Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree? Uh, it's a tree with yellow leaves. You kind of thought about that, huh? Didn't you? It can be sick. Are you confusing sick trees with fall? Yeah. Exactly. That's guys walking around. People are bunch of sick trees. A lot of sick trees in September. Have you noticed this? Business is building. We need to take all these down. Evan, do you make good money doing that? Uh, pretty good for like ride out of college. How are you? I'm 20, about to turn 25, 24. 25. You're 24. I am currently. Huh. Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity. Since you said you're about to turn 25 like a five year old does when they're about to turn six. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that had the three-month anniversary. How soon until your actual birthday? It's in January, January 2nd. Wow, it is right around the corner. You have any big plans for this big birthday, yours? Uh, no DUI this year. Are you drinking again since everything's off? A little bit. I've metered it. You've metered it? Yeah. Meered it. What do you mean by meered it? I don't let myself go crazy, you know? Like, once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam, I stop. Hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha. There you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set. I would make that one of your jokes. I will. Okay, there you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year? Uh, the leg lift thing, but I don't do that one much. That's, you know, not great. I want to portray myself as a rapist, you know? Where are you getting rapist from? You said this twice now. And it feels like you're confessing something. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, rapist. Even with even with his job, he was like, I don't like do anything with the trees. I just like see if they turn yellow or not, you know? I don't like touch him or rub up against him or stare at him from across the forest for a while. And then approach this place so weak. Yeah. You got bark, but do you have bite? What do you say we branch out of here? I'm an arbor rapist. Not. Also a suggestion in comedy. I understand that hats can be like a comfort zone for somebody. But yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes and your eyes are the window to the soul. And it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sits better. Do you always wear a hat? It's like you're always, yeah. So maybe put it a little higher, you know? Yeah, I'm going to hide the fact that you're rapist. Yes. Oh, there it is. It's very clear. I don't know if it's a lot of a sudden, it's very clear. Evan, what else do you do? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to jump rope really well or something. I wish I tried a thing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see if there we go. It's a talent. Uh-huh. It's not. Yeah, no, it's not. What else? What's in your pocket, front pocket, heavy, heavy, heavy pocket? Oh, that's my joke book. Okay. I didn't want to, nobody saw that. Um, nobody wants to see it. Yeah. This, this is my hobby, my, what a, what else? But there must be something else. You, you collect anything or you a fan of anything at all? I'm a fan of a lot of music. I like, uh, like, uh, like rush. Oh, the band rush a lot. Okay. I'm trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently. Oh, you just watched that for the first time. Yeah. It's amazing. It's the only movie, Demand-ness, like, he just said. Hell yeah. Have you seen it? Hey! Here we go. Demand-ness just said it's about time as in, you finally said something funny. He's, he'll getcha. You try to fucking, you try to make fun of Demand-ness, he'll getcha. But you like, you see, you like, there's some movies that you like listening to and you can just kind of digest it on D. I love that. Are there any other ones? You can think of like, the color purple. Huh? Death warrant. Okay. John Claude Van Dam, that's interesting that an action movie. I find that also intriguing. Isn't that interesting? It's like hearing men grunt. Definitely not. If there's anyone I know for a fact that doesn't like hearing men grunt. It's our famous resident homophobe, Demand-ness, who hates everything. He likes hearing other men getting their ass whipped. Death warrant, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Evan. Well, you were here. Here's a little joke, but congratulations. You got pulled tonight, Evan, quickly. We go on and on, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name here. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Erizeri, everybody. Alexa Erizeri. I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing. Straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want to win their drunk. They're ashamed of what does their asshole. I make a spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends spends Oh, yeah, brother, you get it, man. It sucks. I can't turn that voice off. Oh, I can't. That's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you guys. Holy shit. Alexa, here is Harry showing the boys and the girls how to do it. Yes. Absolute dominance. Welcome. Thank you so much, brother. That's a man. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. It's my arctic. It's my arachnemesis. It's like my venom. This is my venom. It's venom hinge clen- I love it. Alexa, how long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. That's awesome. See what I mean? Five years. Where at? I started Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, nice. Look at that. That's where you're born and raised? Yeah, I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops and warring. Oh, okay. There you go. I've been performing at a lot of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charge. Welcome, Alexa. This is absolutely incredible. So five years, how long have you lived in Austin? About four years. Four years. What made you move to Austin four years ago, comedy? No, I was actually working in construction sales because I got fired from doing porn. Oh, my goodness. How did you get fired from doing porn? Well, here's the thing. This is the one that I learned from doing porn. I am bad at sex. Okay. I know this because they flew me into the shoot. They flew me in on Delta. They flew me back in spirit. Oh, my God. This is amazing. So you only did it once? No, I shot for the company's called Groovy. It used to be called Gmail Strokers. You probably know what it is. By that track suit, that's all I'm saying. No, it used to be called Gmail Strokers, but thought the name was offensive. Again, there goes resident homophoes, the madness. I've seen enough of this shit. The madness was like, how many people are doing a set? This bitch. This bitch. This bitch. This bitch. We sounded like death warned. I'm going to smother. Junk of and damn what the fuck is going on in there. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay. So you did a lot of porn shoots. Yeah, because back then, like trans people couldn't get, because I like transition B.C. And for y'all good Christians, that means before Christ, for trans people, it means before Caitlin. Okay. You're a throwback. You're like back when trans people used to get like bullied and stuff. I know. And that's, honestly, I loved it, because I can only come when being called a fuck. Perfect. One more thing that you and I have in common. Absolutely amazing. This is incredible. I've met my match here today. So, Caitlin, you're on eye contact. I love you. Yeah. And that is amazing. So, Alexa, what surprised you about shooting porn? Um, honestly, probably the biggest thing that surprised me is that the guy will fuck you not on camera. And they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do on camera. So, like, when you say fake orgasms, you mean like moaning because I don't like sex. Explain what you mean by that. I don't, I've been raped too many times to like sex. Oh, wait. I've been raped so many times I bought my mom a t-shirt. It says, my son got raped four times. All I got was a daughter. Oh my god. Did the, did the, did the, brought you by, I don't think now's the time to play the Netflix sound effect. We may have just lost our contract right then. Let me ask you this. Did the guy that raped you, did he up in the comment on how yellow the trees were getting? Right beforehand. Ah! He was only focused on how yellow my teeth were getting. Okay. All right. That's a wild answer. Alexa. Alexa. So you literally don't like sex. No, I don't like the only thing I ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex boyfriend got on top of me, put my legs over my head, and they died of a heroin overdose. While trying to have sex with you. Yeah, pretty much. From Ohio, you know how it is. A lot of people do die from heroin overdose, especially in Northeast Ohio. I'm six years sober from a meth and heroin though. Okay. All right. How did you, still dead? I was dead. I was dead. I was dead. I was dead. How did you get sober? What helped you get sober? Honestly, I'm him dying to be quite honest. Oh, well. I remember that's actually kind of why I started doing comedy. I was like, I was digging through a trash can while I was on math at our dealer's house, because you know, on math. And I was, we were John Malaney's special, New Intown was playing in the background. Wow, this is the gayest part of your whole set. This is incredible. That's when you know you have to get your life together. No, but yeah, so I was like, I want to do that one day and he was like, you're not funny. So then I was like, I want to prove him wrong, you know. I mean, he's dead. Yeah. I mean, now he's looking up at you from wherever he is thinking, wow, she really did it. So other than him dying, was there things that you did to fill that gap of math and heroin, two of what seems to be the most addictive things in the world? Probably, well, besides cock. No, just kidding. But no, I just can't, like, no, I got back into what I was like doing like before I did all that. Like I started college at 16. I studied Russian language and Mandarin. I was one of the politics. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger. Can you say things in Russian and Mandarin? To go to the Barusky man. Yeah, I'm a goog of your Barusky. Oh, shit. What's in Miele? Oh, shit. Looks like someone's going to have a perroguian as I say later. I'm scared about to get a little potato filling up there, huh? Oh, my goodness. Multiple languages. Good at comedy. It's almost like you have the brain of a... LAUGHTER Wow. This is amazing. Wow. I love the energy you came out with, by the way. You took over the stage. Beautiful job. Holy shit. It is incredible. Clearly, you are made to do this. My goodness. So how do you make money now, Alexa? I have an only fans. OK. Not going well. I only have one subscriber. All right. Yeah, but I pay good money for that. Wow. Where can people find your only fans? You will probably get more now if you want to promote it. Yeah, Jasmine Steele, seven on only fans, streammate and stripchat. There you go. Red band. Red band just made multiple accounts. LAUGHTER OK. So, Alexa, tell us what else would surprise us about being trans in Texas? You've been here for four years. Is there anything else that you'd deal with? Do you make a good cup of coffee? I've noticed the trans people make the best breeze. Do you drink coffee? No, those are the non-binary. OK. Good to know. I don't know the difference. You could tell by the purple-color hair and the anointness in their voice. I like that. So, you're kind of anti-trans? No, yeah. No, I don't think people... I think it's a mental illness to be quite honest. Yes. Keep going. You're about to become the next president of the United States. Just keep the momentum going. Holy shit. Keep telling us you're very close. You could win the 2028 election if you just keep... I just found out you've been here. ...for Joe Rogan experience. The Texans in the front are literally like, I'll vote for that bitch. This is amazing, amazing Alexa. So, you did become... When did you start to feel like a woman? When in your life? The first time my dad's dick was inside me. Your actual father? No. I mean, not from Cleveland. You think I know my actual father? I don't know anymore. Honestly, it is one of those things I do think it's a mental illness. It was from probably my earliest memories. I remember. I would always put on my mom's dress, hiding in her closet, things like that whenever she was at work. So, just from my earliest memories. And then at the time, you had to wait till you were 18 to do it. So, just the minute I turned 18, I started hormones. Amazing. What did your mom say about that when that happened? Well, she said, I don't want to live with a freak. And then she kicked me out for a little bit. But she's come around. Honestly, she's one of my biggest supporters. And I love my mom more than anything. Oh, that's amazing. I love that. Alexa, so fun. Anything else for Alexa? You're a star. I love it. Thank you so much. Sometimes people think it's always too late to start stand up, when to start stand up. But you lived such a full life that now you have perspective to tell it. And it's awesome and it shows. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Seems like you're a son. And just the straight up roller coaster that this whole experience wants with you. Yeah. From the set being like that. Fucking, I got raped. Yeah. Tom, off heroin, did the guy died inside of me? You could be president of my dad's raping me. I'm like, just amazing to shitting on people with purple in the hair. And you have purple in your hair. There's just a touch of purple back there. There's a little bit back there. You are a pure entertainer. So funny, so her arm. I love it. Hell yes. Alexa, sign up again. Pretty please. Let's see if you can catch this joke book. Oh, shit. Got it. Unbelievable. She catches like a man, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. How about one more time for the Killtony debut of Alexa, Alexa, Earsary, everybody? Isn't that something? Well, we have momentum, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian is one of the newest, most prolific regulars in the show's entire history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dark storm of Atlanta. This is Deadrick Flynn. Killtony. I ate an edible the other day and I started watching the blind side. What the fuck is that movie? Nobody ever told me this movie is going to be bullshit when I started it. So you see the blind side, you know what I'm talking about? So all the blinds I was supposed to be about was his due name Michael Oer. It's a real person. And he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis and he got adopted by a white family. And they get a nigga white privilege and he made it to the NFL. All right. And that's a beautiful movie. All right. That's a beautiful movie. That is a sequel to remember the Titans. It's a full ball in America. Everybody can come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigga retarded. Right. I don't even like using that word. All right. I don't even like using that word, but they made that nigga retarded. They made it for no reason. Let me tell you the first scene when he get adopted by Sandra Bullock. Right. He get adopted by Sandra Bullock. She walked him into the house. They walked him up the stairs and they walked him into a bedroom. And then he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Bullock says, it's a bed. That nigga know what a bed is. That nigga know what a bed is. I've got so many retarded, old and fucking speciality. That nigga is going to sleep when they know what they're going to sleep. Crackheads make beds out of anything. This nigga know what a bed is. They're later on in the movie. Later on in the movie. But just to make sure you know this nigga is dumb as fuck. And it's not a real thing. He's not dumb. He made it, he's doing good. He made it, he made a lawsuit against it and won it just recently. They, they, this is the way they, they, they fucking did it. They said, uh, they said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock. You, you, you knew son that you brought to this private school to play football. We gave him these tests to see where he's at. They said, you got a zero in math, zero on science, zero on social studies, zero on everything. But don't worry, he scored 100% in protective instincts. That's not a test they give humans. Who got the highest protective iskid? That, that's the shit they give the K-9s to become police dog. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. maybe six times in the 12 years. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that we take one off, but we backtape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever wanted to. Oh, look at this. Look who's sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is. De-madness. He heard the blind side and like a talking about him. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. A saw, a bomb. Oh, my God. Oh. De-madness. Did you hear what I did about you? Ha-ha-ha. So, De-jric, welcome back. Ari Maddie, this is a co-regular of yours. De-jric, you know what I'm about to say. How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our Facebooks, reminded us that we were at an open mic together, and that was seven years ago. Yeah, I was on that day. How crazy is that? I remember that same day, I remember 27. And I remember that open mic that it was horrible. For you. Ha-ha-ha. By the way, he's right. I smacked that bit. By the way, you're right, because I remember you killed it, and I remember it. It's just funny how in comedy you meet somebody, and then like I didn't see you for so, I didn't even know you're living Austin or something. I'm not sure it's you, because we never really talked, and then you became a regular. So, that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream. So, that's awesome. That is true. I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just going to steal his jokes, and we can perform that often at all. And you used to send me a great message, and that made me real happy, like the same night that you said, and I saw you, because it was on your Facebook, so I didn't get the message that you saw me. Actually, the whole Killtony Mafia family has been fucking great to me. Actually, last Monday, I was at David Lucas's house, filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is rich as fuck. This, David Lucas is the fucking Black Georgia Tony soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason, and he fat. He definitely is fat. Is that a new grill I'm seeing there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Get different now. I'm not going to lie. Get different now. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I got the Killtony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that city to you. Oh, I got my dated. I got made a regular. This is fucking fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama Uber from Augusta, Georgia to Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, thanks, David. Therein' back. I'm doing good. All right, I couldn't pay to fix the car. I always loved to see it. I always loved to see the come up. You know, when we first had camp Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white t-shirts and sandals. That shit ended like three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since. When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman, and he made everybody grilled Jesus. He got terrible teeth, too. David Lucas does? Yeah, David Lucas got bad teeth, but he cooked good. Okay. Wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Just do like a magic trick or something? Well, everything is going, I'm not going to lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we want to do right now for Killatownie. Right now, we're going to debut it right now. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, shit. Hey, oh my, give it to me. How about a ham for desert? I came up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I'm making blue fats. That's on red, man. I'm making blue stats. That's on red, man. I'm making foreign money. I got to call the R.E. My pockets looking good. You can call them hotty. And then my pockets fat. David Lucas. Yeah, my pockets fat. I'm talking, David Lucas. Yeah, my pockets fat. I'm talking, David Lucas. First pool, first round regular. My sense is good, but hang on up on regular. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. Let me hear y'all. Showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill everybody. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I said, you lose, yeah, talk, you get it, Lucas. I said, you lost, yeah, you get it, Lucas. Wow, that's amazing. I'm so glad you did a song. I thought you were going to rob everybody for a second. No, I'm doing good now, Tony. I love it. Yeah, they try to slander me. I got them, I got them, I get to go. When I got this tattoo, they try to slay, say, why would you do that? I said, Nick, if your big count looked like Heidi, you would feel like just like me. Oh my God, I love it. Tedrick, you are absolutely killing it, Ari. What do you think about this guy? They do love grills in Atlanta. Yeah, you will, me. Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on Happy Hour. Yeah, he's talking about grills. I didn't know grills was a decision that you just walk past and see a sign, and they're like, ah, I'd be like that. There's a lot of white people in here. These gold teeth are called grills. I know you's looking at me like, I got a green egg at hell. And a green egg, we were looking at the ballad. Is that how you talk? Is that how you talk? Because I can look at him and tell you. Yes, it is. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so retarded that he didn't know what a bed was. Let's put it that way. Tedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. The stockable force that is Tedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the Buckewego. We have a one word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually greater horrible. Anything can happen. Makes a noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes Mitch. All right. One more time for Mitch, everybody. As you all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So yeah, my name is Mitch. It's like a bitch, but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally, I moved out of my dad's house. He taught me that my nickname was a hand me down from my mom. But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname, that my dick is a hand me down from my dad. Because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this, though, boys and girls. Speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies. So I don't know why, but my parents could decide on one thing, and it was that I needed a hat. So they went ahead and went with the blue shoe hat, right? And I was like, mom, dad, how's that? And that can help me get laid. And they're like, well, because women will read it and get super horny and then want to fuck you. I was like, how dumb do you think they are? And they're like, if they're fucking my son, dumb enough. Thank you guys. All right, Mitch. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand up? About two and a half years. Where at? Say a mark is. And then I moved to Austin, but I start having seizures. So it's like. Oh, shit. Why'd you start having seizures? I think it's from Gapapentin. What is that? I was prescribed it. What is that exactly? For me, it was a nerve blocker. I got my back blown out. OK. All right. Tony, someone else else else else on the Incom middle? Yeah. That was amazing. OK. How did you blow out your back? Arguably from the army. But so I didn't. It wasn't Wows and Things. It was a little bit afterwards. It just kind of happened. But it was a herniated disc. And that was most likely from the army. And then it pinched my sciatica nerve. So then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg. Yep. So I can't feel half my toes. Right now? Yeah. Yeah. OK. 20, 23. Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine? Yeah. And then I stopped taking it. And July of this year? 28th birthday. Yes. As I made it past 27. OK. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode. Well, 27 club. OK. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me. Well, maybe we're a town. Oh, shit. The most innocent human on the stage, Matt Muleling, every once in a while, strikes. He has no mercy for people that have a lot of seizures. Yeah, you don't get into the 27 club by being a random fact. Yeah. Yeah. So you stop taking that medicine and then how soon after did the seizure start? Like two weeks. OK. Yeah. And then what's that like? I don't know. But the girl that was with me left me like in a puddle of my own blood and piss. Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something? No, a bit of my tongue. Oh, shit. Yeah, I was like, and she just left you like that? She smoked my, yeah. And then she what? She smoked my weed. That's legal in Austin, Texas. And then I left. Yes, she was high and you're freaking the fuck out on the floor. No, it was right in the morning. So I was in bed. Yeah. You hadn't smoked yet? No, I just, I was sleep and then I guess the sun triggered it. When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean regular weed. You're making a joke. Or it's with some kind of weird Delta A or something? Well, I have family that I'm going to hopefully have watched this that are in different states. And I don't want them to look down upon me. You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is going to be what? Not the blue chouette. Right. All right. I mean, OK. So you're sure that you had this seizure. She smoked your pot after that. I'm positive. I had this seizure. But I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after. I told me. She said, yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left. Yes, she said that my cat, Timothy, was going, mew, help. Like asking, like, I'm not, I have text messages. She woke the cat Timothy. Yeah. Timothy, see you. What? See it? Like, Timothy, see courageous cat. Like, courage is a cardily dog. I have a seizure. I was just going to say, I'm crazy. Are you having a seizure right now? I smell burnt toast. OK. All right. OK. Let's just skip this. What did you do in the army? I was a Ford observer, 13 Fox. What exactly does that mean? Fire sports specialist. So like, I would get grade coordinates for field artillery and then send it to the field artillery so they would shoot it. To Palestine? No. No, this was back in 2016 to 2020. Does me sitting here give you some sort of PTSD? All of it. Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive? The VA disability. Got it. Actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another until the end of this month. Why? Oh, because of seizures. Have you figured it out? When's the last time you had your last seizure? Three months ago. OK. And what exactly happens? What does there's something that like tends to give you a seizure? No, it's always whenever I'm waking up. Interesting. And how many do you think you've had? Four. Four. Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess? Yeah. Wow. Wow. How long do they last? I'm anywhere between like from what I'm told a minute to three minutes. OK. Yeah. But I think it's from Gavin Patton. Doctors don't. So it's up in the air. Oh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing. The doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical company directly to your face. But you never had a seizure before that. And you had one, two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. Interesting. And they'll defend it all the way. Right. Interesting. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Me neither. Me neither. But I find that also interesting. Things are coincidentally. Yes. OK. So Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life. I used to work at a helicopter company. Not as a pilot or anything. I was a photographer. OK. Yeah. So I take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter. It's just south on 35. OK. Yeah. All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch? Single? OK. You live by yourself? Yeah, I live by myself with my cat. Your cat, timid, timid, the third or whatever, the five. Timid, the courageous cat. How long have you had this cat? It's three and a half years. I got them whenever my back got blown out. That's amazing. I know the phrasing is close to coming back blown up. It's, yeah. When you get a seizure when you're having sex, would it cause infinite energy? So. Because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging, it's pretty hot. Some people are into that. So after they found out about it, I've woken up with them, like just flashing white in my eyes that night. Damn. Yeah. I had my first blue shoe in Mexico, but. Oh, really? Yeah. Ah, is it a brown shoe? OK. What was that like? Crazy. And first time I've ever had it, you ever had a dick pill less on? Nope. Yeah, it's like, I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential, all times. Wow. After coming, still the vein is out. When you woke up after that first night, were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're wearing? All right. Well, Mitch, anything else crazy about your life? We should know about. Guido. I really like the lime scooters. And I've been getting back into religion and feeling like everything happens for a reason and I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not being just. I like that. Good answer. Keep writing. Keep signing up. It'll get better, Mitch. Here's a medium-sized joke, Buck. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat, everyone's in a while. Is that thing in there good and deep-hyde? Now it is. Very good. You old taped a microphone. You old taping the microphone, eh? Just how it all started in the beginning. 12 and a half years ago, we were taping our microphones together and now look, back at our roots. Nothing like that. This shows in the world and we have red duct tape. That's how you know we made it. Back when we first started, we just had regular old black duct tape. OK. You guys still having fun out there? Back to the bucket. We go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Pancho Villa. A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in, but with every guess, my feelings could've gotten hurt more and more. So I'll just tell y'all, I actually served six years in high school with JRRTC. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I was only in high school for four years. No, I should also mention, after high school, I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years. Let's go. Yeah. I was five, three when I went in, and then I came out at five, one. So I lost two inches where it really mattered. There's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to being short in the Marines. For instance, when I walk through fields with tall grass, I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore. I would, however, have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for like hawks or other large birds. Crazy story. I was like, oh, I actually tried picking me up one time. It got like a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me. I guess even Mother Nature was like, eh, too much cholesterol. Thank you. I'm such a potchavilla. Sancho, bunch of beer. I gotta tell you, dude, you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life. I didn't know that big potatoes could do comedy. This is absolutely adorable. How old are you? 31. 31 years old. Have you ever accidentally used, you look like you would accidentally roll down a hill or something like that? Do you roll your ball-shaped? Yeah, whatever. Ice is over in Texas. I gotta be careful. It's like very easy for me to beat top heavy. You have to be scared of two kinds of ice. That's incredible. Sancho, bunch of beer. Absolutely amazing. Did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point? Now, most of the kids in my high school were the same height as me at that time, so. Amazing. Amazing. What do we call you? Are you considered a, what are you? I'm just a regular five-one Mexican. Okay, all right. I guess it's like, I guess it's the width that kind of makes it. It kind of makes you look. Yeah, you seem a little, a little, a little, um, oh, there's red band. It's also my eyes, my eyes. You guys are shaped the same. He's just slightly taller than you. Old, old Sancho, Pancho, Vio over here. To tell us about your life, Sancho. Is that your real name? Sancho Pancho? It's a nickname. So Sancho's a term of endearmate in the Hispanic community. That's what the Mexican's laughing at you right now if you're wondering what that noise is. It pretty much means side dude. Side dude? Yes, side dude. Okay, why do you go by that? Uh, well, whenever I used to work out a lot and I was like more fit, I used to like sleep around with like committed women. So really? Tonshaw. You mentioned this last time. You're like proud of like fucking guy's wife's in show like that. I'll be good-hi to everyone when they come home, huh? I can get out most average sized windows on 5-1. Yeah. Uh, windows. Tonshaw. Windows is an ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time. Remind us how many, how many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a ballpark. Not to be specific, but probably like 18? Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically as married women. Well, I'm not into it that much anymore. Can you fucking imagine by the way? Can you fucking imagine? Yeah. Like what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. was mad that his lady was hookin' up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine. You fucking, you pull into your place early from work one day. Can you see this fucking human pillow crawling out of a fucking window, this temperedic tomaso over here, this fucking little softy san show, this little fucking garbanzo. What do you think about all this? It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time. Yeah. You're gonna fuck 18 married women? 5-1. That's the deal. You wanna be a side piece, you'll be a wide piece. My goodness gracious. So when's the last time you slept with a married woman? Oh man, not to be specific, we're probably like 30 months ago. Wow. So like where did you find this woman? Give us an example. We wanna walk a day in the life of San Chopacovia. How do you fucking be a woman? Yeah, how do you do it, dude? Let's do it. Let her usually, I don't know. Come on. No, give us the real tea here. Just hanging out on the bar scene, I'm really good at shooting pool. I guess you pooled really well. So just hanging out drinking, and then I see someone that kind of looks hard-broken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Just trying to be that lap or shorter to cry on. It's always those guys that fuck your wife. It's never the big handsome guy. It's always a little punch on the colors there. And they'll be like, oh, you know, just like, you know, baby daddy ain't shit. You look like a pillow to cry on. Because I like, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with like, no shit, baby daddy's. Yeah, you know. Wow. You a small motherfucker, huh? So three months ago was the last one. Take us through it, exactly what happened. You're at a pool hall? No. A bar with pool table. Yeah, but that one, exactly three months ago. How did you find that one? Yeah, so I was at a pool hall. Wow. And I was just like waiting for my turn on the table. Now, when you play pool, are you like visualizing being the cue ball? Yeah. Ah. I'm one with the ball, yeah. No, so yeah. And so like, I just was looking around and like my buddy had gone to the restroom and I saw some girl just kind of like sad at the end of the bar. And you know, I do okay for myself, monetary wise. So I was like, you know, tall is the bar. That you hop on. Probably like to like, we're like, ah, like a little bit, like a little bit, like shorter than that. Probably like chest deep. Wow. And so yeah, I was like, hey, you know, girl, like how you doing? You all right? Looks like you're sad. And what did she say? And she was just like, oh, you know, my baby daddy be tripping. And she was like, oh, you know, he's out with my car right now and he left me here. And I don't know where he's at. And I was like, he looks like you could use another beer. Like, what are you drinking? Modelo. She was like, yeah. And I was like, all right, cool. And then what? So then like after a few more Modelo's, I was like, hey, well, I mean, the bar's going to like close soon. I have a car. And she was like, all right. And so then from there, we went to like a hotel and I had like tequila as well and like my cooler. So like you have a little cooler that you keep. Hold on a second. It's not a little cooler for him. It's a fridge. This feels like no fan fiction. It's like good. So you have a little cooler that you keep wearing the back seat and the trunk. Uh, usually behind the driver's seat because my feet, my seat's far up so I can fit behind it. Oh, my God. Dream lift driver. Oh, my God. So what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place? Oh, I never took her back to my place because then like when they make up with their baby daddy, they come clean and they're like, oh, you know, bugging, Sancho, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my God. Like you were cheating on me. So I was cheating on you with so and so and I can't have them coming back. Where does this guy live? And they're like the holiday and express. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. So you're like a master of this craft. Uh, yeah. I mean, I've been eight. He's going to play time. He's going to play as big for him. Yeah, exactly. It's 400 square feet. It's a mansion. He looks at an elevator like, damn, bro. And the room's a suite at the holiday. Yeah, express. Yeah. My personal bed's a full size, but I start to do a few rolls to get out of it. Hell yeah, absolutely. How small are you? Let me stand next to you. Yeah, let's see exactly. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at that. It's like an episode of twins, you know what I'm saying? You guys look like mascots for human trafficking. Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow. Sancio, Pancho, via. I am going to give you what appears to be a, uh, I can't remember. How is the set? Is it OK? Well, any book is big. I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. Say massive joke book. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancio, Pancho, via. All right. I'm going to pull a name out. We're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, we have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right. Hold on a second, because we have a special treat, everybody. This is this man's first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is a new friend of ours that comes from, uh, our new found friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful. Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kilttoni debut. And it's first time doing stand-up, a special treat. This is the debut of Make Some Noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi. How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. Just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married. But I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high, high. Hey, wait, wait a second. I wasn't going to tell those jokes, but I actually am looking for a woman. I'm looking for a woman. She has to listen because I talk a lot. She also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit, you know, maybe start on her back, maybe move to her stomach, maybe her knees. You know, we'll see. Also, wow. But if I could leave you with one thing, it's just that not all middle-aged single men without children are pedophiles because a lot of us are. Thank you so much. Take it away, Red Man. Jedi specializing in pedophilia jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set. So Jedi, first of all, how about one more time for Jedi, everybody? Why don't you tell these fine people, Jedi, what you do for work? I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother. The great Woody Harrelson, who just so happens to be a newfound fan of Kiltoni and one of the coolest people in the world. And you've been his, what, stand in. Stand in. So when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson, he doesn't have to be there for that. You get to just be there. Yeah, that's, that's me. 25 years, he's been hanging out together. You see, he's basically family to me. Yeah, I love him so much. Solid, he's super solid, you catch. So Jedi, what made you want to start stand up here tonight? You know, like just kind of like, you need to go get on Kiltoni. I mean, I do this every day on a set with cameras in front of me. But for 25 years, I've heard you need to do stand up. You know, I'm not funny when somebody told jokes, but I mean, I don't know. I'm here. What do you rate? I love it. What made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight? Ah, the force. I'm not married. No, no, I just, go on set when they said, hey, we want to, you've got to get on Kiltoni. I have some people help me write some stuff. You know, I was like, is it okay for other people to write jokes? I mean, I've done that for comics. So I just went with it, you know, a pocket, right? It is true. And Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out. And I'm telling you, Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun. There's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and marijuana and tequila. And it turns into a lot of fun every time we hang out. And you're always the life of the party. And we never hear a pedophile joke then. This is the first time I'm finding out about your... It's a joke, dude. No, I know. I know, I know. I love kids. I have four nieces. I love them to death. They're great. I bet you do Jedi. Hey, Jedi, just for some information, the legal age of consent in Estonia, 14. Is it really? And you legally have to say that in a tracksuit. So Jedi, tell us what's something crazy that you've seen out there while filming. It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet. Like, stand in. It's like a fun fact. Part of the crew is McConaughey's stand in. And you are like buddies. You guys hang out. And you kind of look like Woody. And he kind of looks like McConaughey. Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time. It's like, we're doing our own show with these cats, you know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. It's, you guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple TV. I don't have Apple TV, so I won't see it. But it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean, I have so many stories. I don't know if I can, I guess I can say whatever I want it, but I want to keep working. Yeah. Probably best. And we, you know, it's a lot of standing around, you know, what he's, you know, either playing Hackey Shack or looking for a color in book or something, you know. And Matthew's giving me statistics on a Texas football game. Yep. You know, I could. I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A&M. And it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the governor, fucking rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns and shit. It was an incredible, it's an incredible thing. What do you as the best marijuana on planet? Do you smoke weed? I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. I'm gonna do a little plug. What do you as a store called the Woods and West Hollywood? Yeah. And it's out of control. I mean, you can say there's tree house. Yeah. It's a point of been there. Do you have that there? Yeah, there's like birds and shit. Yeah. He's crazy. He got rid of two of them because Peter showed up. He's like, oh, you know, what do you know? Yeah, these birds were all fucked up. This bird, you know, what he is, dude. He was fucking barking. He was talking. Trucks it. These birds are fucked up, dude. Rio Mali and George. I believe we kept George, but the other birds, all you were getting high and then, you know, petushers, all these birds are here and, you know, we love animals. You know what I mean? But a couple of the birds were a little eye control, you know? Amazing. How does one get into this stand-in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell and people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive all the time, right? Uh, yeah. I mean, I just kind of, it was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will and Grace. I don't know if you remember that. Wow. And you never saw it. You don't have a TV. Like, Will and Grace is coming out soon. Yeah, that's dope. We're a little behind. Oh, shit. I can go, Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first night I'm on a stage. We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi. How do you meet? How do you get into that? I met with our director, Jimmy Burrows, who created cheers. He introduced us and he's like, you guys are going to love each other. Yeah. You know, I was like the weed guy working on the show. You know, I was like, it was crazy. I don't even like read the scripts. Jimmy would come in and he's like, hey, you know, he's like, I want you to meet my friend. I'm like, I don't even talk about celebrity. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Harrel. So I'm like, I can love that guy. Hell yeah. You guys are going to be friends forever. Here we are 25 years later. Wow. But, uh, so you've stood in on everything. Not everything. You know, somebody has to water the plants. Oh. What do you mean, exactly? Weed. Oh, yes. Got it. True detective. Did you do that one? I didn't do true detective. Weed. Weed. It is ridiculous weed, by the way. I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers, right? Snoop, there's a buddy worked with him on an off for the last 15 years. All of them. I smoked Woody Harrel since weed recently and I had to go for a walk like a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to, um, Makana, he's sweet. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a, uh, I don't even know like, uh, like it was a giant vape pen. I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back and he goes, he want to hit it one more time. And there's a part where you're, I kind of knew like I should let that settle in and no, I, but he's kind of like, come on, come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrel since like, come on, come on, buddy, like it's a little peer pressure and, uh, and I did. And then it almost immediately afterwards. I'm like, okay, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to go for a little walk. I'll be, uh, let's see you guys in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas Stadium for about 20, 25 minutes. I was outside, back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'm a grown ass man. And this is how good, and I smoke every single day continuously. Well, you're lucky you could walk. Yes. It's very tricky. Um, so, Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely, you were making jokes, but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it. My love, you mean my rub life? What do you mean? Do you stand in for Woody on that one, too? All right, Woody, she's ready to bust! Woody! What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean. I'm like this close again, sponsored by Jerkins, seriously. Really? What do you do? Uh, you watch like porn or something when you're watching? No, I don't, I don't have cable, dude. I live in a whole dude. Do you have a, do you just use your imagination? Uh, you know, I, it's been since June 15th. I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, I slept with an Asian woman. Oh my goodness. Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia? That was a joke. We know. Asian taco. I've got writers, dude. Yeah. Come on. Asian taco, uh, how exactly, where did you meet this girl at? In Texas. Okay. Just like the great sedative Texas. Somewhere between El Paso and Corpus Christi. Yeah. You matter. Yeah. Okay. And what did you learn that day? Was that your first Asian woman that you? It was. It was. It was. It was. It said, hey, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna give you this taco and just don't fall in love. And, you know, I was like, I kind of did. Oh my goodness. But I'm over it now. Do you pay for a 30 minute massage or? So you were saying you were hungry for more 30 minutes later? That weed is really strong. She spent the night. Ah. Jedi, you have made your Killtoni debut. The Sandin. You and Jedi, if you ever wanted to do a couple minutes at the secret show, it's open for you anytime you want to try it out. If you want to, if you want to do it again. Oh my gosh. Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely, guys. Have a hamper, Jedi ladies and gentlemen. Who knows? Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple TV, when do you think that's coming out, Jedi? Ah. February, March. I had to get, oh no, it's coming out next fall. Next fall. Next fall. And it's incredible, you guys. It's fucking insane. It's Kenny Powers, it's hilarious. I love it. The return of McConaughey and Woody back together. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys. Jedi ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ryan shields everybody. Ryan shields. Woo. Thank you. So I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. And when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang. I said, no, he's not. He lives in the cul-de-sac. First I'm a met the kid. He was, I looked at him, I was like, who are you rapping the lactose intolerant kings? I take your weed out of you and get the fuck out of here. I know, like, look, all I'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multi-grain, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, fuck off Tanner. I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now. And I see this all the time that needs to stop. I don't know who needs to tell them, maybe it's me, but look, how are you supposed to be four these streets with peanut allergies and autism? I don't know some of you ladies, you're still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night. Just start moisturizing with peanut oil. Yeah, take his breath away. If that doesn't work, I just use my dad voice, and I just go, hey, and they freeze because it activates their autism. And it was like seeing a tiger in the wake. All right, Ryan Shields, welcome to the show, Ryan, are you? Give it up for a stand-in for a fat, creepy fault. Yeah, somehow you make Jedi look like Dave Chappelle. That's incredible. Ryan, how long have you been on stand-up? 14 years. 14 years, holy shit, man. Wow, that's crazy. Where at in the liver king's backyard? I can't. Where have you been doing stand-up for 14 years? I'm out of San Antonio. Okay, out of San Antonio. That's where you've always lived? Yeah. Okay. Ari, what do you want to say? I see you. No, no, it's over. No, it's okay, do it. No, the job is over. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It was a liver king joke, and you said it, and I fucked up. Okay. I'm over it. Okay. Ryan, what do you do for a living? I do stand-up. God damn it, that's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough? Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just let into it weird. It's more of a lead up to it, but you know, okay. Yeah, here we are. Here we are, Ryan. 14 years. Do you think you have like a better joke that you could have done instead? Yeah. You're like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years? Yeah. All right, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Shields. All right, let's try this. Let's try it again. 14 years. I've been hanging out with these young comedians, so they get me to try this new shit. Like I've tried aluminum-free deodorant. Yeah. It doesn't work. And the problem is, is deceptive, because like you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower, you're like, oh, that does smell like coconuts. But then like four hours later, you're like, oh, those coconuts have turned. I think I found out where the rum is gone. Someone right back to aluminum. I know it's bad for you. I know RFK's like, it causes autism. I don't give a shit. I could use the touch of the autism. I'm fine. I could be into trains. Yeah, it's better than the other trains I've been a part of. I was an engineer on that train. All right, I don't see anything weird. Like, that's where you want to be. You want to be engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose. Because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you. All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand-up? A year? Yeah. About 50 grand. OK. And you love it. You love what you do. You would never do anything else. Nothing else. So do you have any like side hustles or anything like that? Well, I do a podcast. I do an act a little bit. What have you acted in? There's a little show in Paramount Blitz called Landman. OK. You've been on Landman. Yeah. OK. For 37 fucking seconds, but I'm in it, so I'm counting it. OK. Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there that what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies. Ryan, tell us something wild about your life that would surprise us. Wild? You do say the colonoscopy. I don't know if that's wild. Oh, Red Band just said his first colonoscopy. I like it. You guys are colonoscopy brothers over here. Let me tell you, it sucks when I was getting mine done. And they're wheeling you down the hallway with all the nurses and doctors. And one of the nurses or doctors recognized me and goes, you're really doing it, Red Band. It fucking sucks. Oh, sucks. Is that, are you serious? I fucking serious. It's so funny. You're really doing it, Red Band. That is so fucking funny. What came out of your ass? That's why JRE asked, like, do you go to a special private doctor? Right. You're like a wreck. Right. That's amazing. What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor? I guess he's like, it's not your business. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. But this isn't it, like, you can't eat a few days before, right? 24 hours, yeah. Oh. It's cool because you were out. I would have loved to have seen that reality show. Holy shit. That's just one of the most difficult things Red Band has ever done in his career. Red Band was like the old lady in a Requiem for a Dream. Like, the kitchens just like, hello. Red Band, come on over here. The cupboards are like shaking. Broom. Just cereal boxes spilling themselves out of the floor. No, no. The bread that you could stick your stomach and use as a box. Liquid. This is floating all of garden bread sticks in the air. Just out freight of sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink. No, no. No. No. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's amazing. How did you make it through that 24 hours test? It really sucks. It was our buddy's birthday party, Matt. Oh. And this great idea, like, oh, you know, let's get, I can drink tonight. Let's get wasted tonight. And then I thought I could eat in the morning. And I read when I got home, you couldn't. So I had a hangover. I couldn't eat anything. I was actually, I chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can because I was like, Jesus Christ. That's the fastest thing. I've never heard of my fucking life. I've never heard anyone microdose food before. That's crazy. I almost just fainted right then. That is the most red band thing. I think I've ever heard of. And they give you all this medicine. So you just shit yourself every like five minutes. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back. What type of food were you chewing? And then spitting out. I had leftovers from the place. It was like a steak. And you're just chewing and drinking the juice. And then I made a peanut butter and joy sandwich and spit it out. That's about it. Yeah. Oh. Oh. And I had a lot of ice. You swallowed the ice. Yeah. Wow. God. Oh, God. Oh, it's so funny. God, that's amazing. Can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly? Yeah. There's eight of peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He had a little shrapnel. Little bad. He had a little peanut butter juice coming out of there. And then you shit yourself there too, right? I didn't shit myself there. No, I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was shitting every 10 minutes. To the point where I just stomach bile. Just stomach bile. But what was interesting is when I could eat, how long it took to become poop? It was like seven hours. I didn't do it. Wow. It takes about seven hours. Not a lot of people know this, but that night, Red Band Diary it and a stripper's pussy. It's perfect 10. All right. Ryan Shields. You know, I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just a sound. Or the lights or something, but 14 years. Maybe it's just the pressure. Maybe your timing's a little bit off. But it just wasn't. It wasn't great. It wasn't connecting here tonight. But sign up again. Come back. It's a short drive from San Antonio. Ryan Shields. Very interesting. Ryan Shields, everybody. Wow. That's just wild. 14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right. Let's do this. This will be our final bucket pull of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew Lacore. Everybody, Matthew Lacore. Oh, no. Time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old on a plate ate my friend Kyle the first time I walked in. My mom haven't sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen. Real private place. The rice crisps used were taking a while. I'll never forget. I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner a small detail tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house. My mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. So I turned the corner. I'll never forget. True story. I see my mom painting this woman to the wall. Left hand throw. Just plug it in there. Now that there's tape there, you can't even see where to put it in. Yeah, just give him that one. Yeah, put that down. There you go. Matthew look for everybody. I bet guys got them. Keep going. I turn the corner. And she's painting this woman to the wall. Left hand throw. Right hand thigh. I fucking freeze, right? Before I can run back to the room, she grabs her other ass. She picks her up and pins her to the she pushes her pelvis forward. I don't know why, but I'm so proud that my mom's a top. Does that make sense? Like I never told Kyle, but I feel a sense of superiority. Like kids at school will be like, my dad will beat up your dad. My mom will fuck your mom, dog. What are we talking about? What the fuck are we talking about? Am I 90s kid? She doesn't step, re-block. That shit worked. All right, we got there. Matthew LaCore. Welcome. Sorry. Matthew LaCore. OK. Welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show? Second time, I used to have a long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs against. What kind of slurs are you doing? Exactly. Why did the hair stop? You're like, say it was too hippie. People thought I was left-wing. Not so. OK. Matthew, how long have you been on standup? I say four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin. When was that? About a year. About a year ago. Wow. That's amazing. Short time, somehow, eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing it 14 years. What do you do for work, Matthew? I actually work at Cap City, a door guy. OK. All right. So that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. How do you like working up there at the domain? That's cool. Yeah. And I'm just trying to do everything that I can to get as close as I can to comedy, honestly. You get to watch comedians? Yeah. Yeah. It's to be a door guy, too. It's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. Sanna and I were door guys at the comedy store. It's just fun. You get to see comedians. That's the number one thing how you get closest to the comedy. I mean, of course, you can do open mics, but you can only learn so much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at Narbar. So you can learn from professional comedians. They get good comedians there. They get good comedians. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Do you sometimes, like, how do you get on stage at Cap City? Do you sometimes open mic? Open mic, but they don't give us a lot of stage. That's the, because that's like the bonus of also being a door guy. Yeah. Everybody going up. But depends where your door guy big time, right? Like the comedy store has three rooms. And those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes. So you end up with 16 comedians in one room, 14 and another and eight and another. And then they flip two of those, three of those rooms to do it all again. Whereas Cap City probably only has what? Four. Yeah. Two comedians. Two rooms, too. Two. But there's an opener feature in a headliner, right? Yeah. I'm just trying to get as much time as I can. Where were you at door guy? Tell us. We don't know. I was a door guy shortly at Comic Slowns in Australia. And I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver called Yuck Yuck's. I remember Yuck Yuck's here. Yeah. I've been to the Comic Slowns many times. Yeah. Yeah. Comic Slowns didn't work out too much. I had to do the work. I was watching too much comedy. Nice guys, though. You were once on a show. Many, many, many moons ago. Yes. And we met me and Joe Rogan, invaded Melbourne, Australia. And you were randomly on that show. Yeah. I did a guest spot. You guys were doing the theater and then you came down to the club. This was like fucking nine years ago. Yeah. Yeah. And also that night was one of those magical nights where, yeah, somebody was missing. And then they gave me three minutes. I ran the light. They did five and bombed. But you guys didn't see that. You were smoking weed in the back. It was cool. Perfect. Yep. It all worked out perfectly. It was awesome. You tell us something crazy about your life, your real life that we would find interesting or compelling. You were on this show once before you had enough time to think about a second interview on this show. Yeah. I'll actually compete in Thursday night, you get to. You look like you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got the ear stuff. Yeah. I really want the fucking ears. Yeah. Want the fucking call if I smash your. What? I know. I actually tried it. You put two bricks and smash it. But my ears are so fucking malleable. I literally pulled them up in your ass and nothing happens. No, no. I love those ears. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's all for show. That's what I'm doing. Don't tell you. Don't tell you a podcast with Brian Cullen. All right, never mind. That did not work. Oh, yeah. Don't ever disrespect me like that. Oh, I get it. That's great. Oh, that's crazy. Sorry, I just don't like that guy. Red man. I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out. But yeah, you came out and you did like. You went straight into material and it was like multiple. The last joke or, of course, the mic, such a fucking mishap. But in standard, always that happens. There's heckles, there's whatever. So you have to adapt to that. But sometimes, yeah, when you come out here, there's a lot of pressure. And sometimes it's good to leave a beat of silence before you go into material. So the cognitive functions, like get a custom to what you look like. Sometimes if you go, okay. What is that cognitive function? He's like, I think I have some cognitive functions. Yeah, so down. And so sometimes if you go straight into it, they missed the first joke. Okay. But I get it. You want to get it out. You get it out. You sometimes silence has more information than noise. So you can, that's very, very true. And like there's, there's a whole thing of, you know, you want to get as many jokes as you can out. But you sometimes just got to quit when you're ahead. My mom will fucking your mom got a big laugh. It was after the meow and the set right now. Fair, that's true. Yeah. Okay. So Matthew, I'm going to be honest with you. Do you just do that jacket? You kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities to you. That's fair. Let's give us an example of what the doucheous thing about you is. Doucheous thing? Yeah. Oh, do we go honest? I had an affair. Hmm. I had an affair. Let's talk about it. Yeah. So you were married? I was. And then what happened? I was going well. And then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that fucking broke my heart. Okay. See, did you take her yoga class where do you meet her at? We were actually working together. I just got out the military and she was a swim coach. I was a lifeguard fucking at a gym. Yep. And you were a lifeguard. Yep. And she was a swim coach. Yep. And then what happened? Um, we gave each other the eyes across the pool. And then what happened? Um, and then, and then, you know, things happened. And I ended up being honest with my wife. I did do that. And, uh, it's afterwards? No, no, I didn't do anything physical with her until, until me and my wife were divorced. I, so you said to your wife, you go, look, I've been given eyes to a swim instructor. To this swim instructor, yeah. And the instructor, no, you're married too. Yeah. Yeah. But that's harder for me. Yeah, dude. I think she was in there with, we love that. She was like, I'm, I take them. Yeah. And then, you know, I told your wife that you were going to leave her. Yeah, I was, I was in love with the Southern woman. And then how were you in love if you had never done it? Because I was 24 and retarded. Okay. And now, how old are you? Uh, 32. 32 and retarded. Yeah. Okay. So, the last, but still pretty retarded. How long, uh, after you told your wife, so you started hooking up with the swim instructor shortly thereafter. Mm-hmm. And how long did that last? Uh, about three months. Three months. And then what happened? You said she broke your heart. Yeah. How did she break your heart? Uh, she decided to stay with her husband. Wow. Oh my god. This is so hot. Yeah. This is amazing. This is so hot. This story is a one five one Mexican away. Yeah. Perfect. I was just going to say, Sancho, Pancho V is going to be finding the shallow end of that pool. Real quick here. Yeah. If your wife is banging on your show up and is this guy calling for our your douche battle, then you're like, I get it. But Pancho? Yeah. Fucking Pancho. She's going to be sipping that backseat tequila any day now. Wow. And then like, what? Now you have no wife, no new love. No, no, no. I'm with somebody in a stable relationship. Yeah. Do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her? Do you think? No, I regret the way I handled it. I was just, I was just, you know, 24. Yeah, it was right for and stupid. Yeah, I wish I would have handled it incredibly differently. Did you save anybody's lives as a lifeguard? Oh, I mean, I helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim. Fun fact, a lot, not a lot of people know this. The world's worst lifeguard of all time. De-madness, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is he blind, but he also definitely can't swim. Is that right, Dee? Wrong. Oh, he's always full of surprises. This is fucking good. We got it. Of course he can swim. You swim a lot, Dee? I have. Okay. Very good. In the pussy? No, Matthew, you're not allowed to make jokes at De-madness. Such a good guy, man. Shut your mouth, motherfucker. I will find you, dude. Now, what you feel you? Were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub? Oh, a song. How dare you? De-madness is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar. Damn right. All right, Matthew, fun times, buddy. Here you go. Here's a medium joke, but congratulations, Matthew LeCore, on to the finale of the night, ladies and gentlemen. With Ari Maddie here, dead trick in the middle. There's only one way to end a show like this. And that is with our hall token, if you will. Our Hall of Famer with the most appearances, the most interbuse, a living member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fam. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the vanilla gorilla. This is William Montgomery. I told Red being about Black Friday, and he said, they already get February now Friday. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day, I watched a David Lynch film dubbed in Portuguese, and it finally all makes sense. A Dr. Ransom test on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity. A few years ago, that same Dr. Ransom test on LeBron James and concluded that he is Black. LAUGHTER OK, that's right time. Thank you. OK. William lights out Montgomery, the fighting pride of Memphis Tennessee. And here he is with a brand new look. I love it. You wouldn't even be able to use freezing outside. You are a door warm on this. It's very nice. I'm very bald. I don't know of people. It's always very, it gets in my head a lot when I have to lean down and grab a napkin or something when I'm on stage, and I lean over, and I'm always like, wait, hold on, am I going bald or something? Not a lot of people know this, but that's what a Indian woman's vagina looks like. We do look like a photo negative on each other. Ah! LAUGHTER I know. You look good, Hassan. Oh, you too. LAUGHTER You got to go to Almer Fudbye, I'm going all right. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I bought a bunch of these hats on eBay. I've been going on a tear-tony. I grew up with this happen. I got some other ones coming in the mail. And I actually caught the FedEx, the bitch that works at fucking FedEx. I caught her today not delivering one of my packages up the steps. It pissed me off. And I said, hey, thanks so much. I'll grab that from you. And she doesn't even look up to do. She doesn't even look at me. Wow. So I think I'm going to try to do something to her next time. Like, what? Crapper and something. What do you exactly do mean? What do you mean? There's a place you can walk when you're walking out to my place. There's a place where I'm going to put some string or some rope or something and her stupid fucking ass is going to trip. You're a scary guy. Do look. I want you to work in it. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah. Yeah, just on eBay. I've just been on eBay a sh-t on all of my stuff. You can't tell the Killtony regulars are making a lot of money. You have William on eBay. I wouldn't say that. No, no, no. Oh, OK. That's right. You don't- No, but seriously, I mean, it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good. That's what I'm finding. Maybe people just don't think I'm funny. I don't know. I think I'm doing a wonderful show up there. But it's less and less tickets being sold. I mean, it's turning into a real nightmare for me. So Tony, that's why I stopped you thinking. You got Ari Maddie coming in with custom-made jogging suits. You have a dendra, because it's only been a regular for like four weeks. Yeah, what the fuck? How's the beginning of his fucking money? I know that. How's the beginning? Yeah, the fucking. Yeah, you have 15 Oriental Rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks. They were from eBay. They were kind of cheap. What is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself? It's OK. I mean, I'm 38. There's a- hopefully he's a decent amount of time for me to live. It could all just end tomorrow, Tony. I have to be just so careful. And now I'm stressed out about him still in the fun. I still have not done the row machine. That's very sad. I have. So you're sciatica. I've been up. And you've been taking a big break from the row machine. And that has affected you in a great many ways. Is that correct? Yes. It's been about a month. Wow. And are you thinking about getting back into rowing? Yeah, I have to. I have to just go force myself. I've been staying up all night. I finished a puzzle. Everybody would be proud. I think I finished a thousand bees puzzle in two days. And less than- less than 48 hours and I'm starting on another one tonight. Wow. I already literally- I went through. I'm just going to get a method now. I get all the pieces up. I get piles of them and I get them separated into the colors while I'm also looking for the edge pieces. Wow. Somehow you are always scarier than the jujitsu guy. Yeah. A guy doing puzzles? So, organize the colors while also looking for the edge pieces. That is amazing. I've never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this. What was the last puzzle you did? What would people expect to see on the puzzle that William Montgomery did? Oh my gosh. I started with the last one when I just finished. Yeah. What's on that puzzle? The one I literally- yeah. Let's hear about it. It's the one you just did. The puzzle. People are guessing wolves and trains. Wolves and trains. What an idiot. No, it had nothing to do with fucking wolves and trains. Dumb ass. Wolves and trains. You think I'm doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains? No, this puzzle was an open fucking refrigerator, Tony. I worked on a fucking watermelon for a while last night. What else was in it? I don't know. That was the most exciting. That had a lot of red in it. I had a bunch of red pieces of red. Pieces of red cake glass. You can see the seats too, probably, right? No, it's a seedless watermelon. Oh, seedless watermelon. It's a texture. I was looking for the red specific red texture with that red. Interesting. Yeah, it's almost like a dark pink. Yeah, it was like a dark pink color. So there was just an open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it. A cut open watermelon? That's the whole puzzle. There's also a gallon of milk, Tony. Oh, a gallon of milk. Wow. The world wants to know what else was in the refrigerator. I have been drinking a bunch of milk, but not with my protein shape, but shake because I'm doing the roachy because I'm eating two giant bowls of cereal. It has all braasted miniweets. Oh, you love frosted miniweets. This is my mom's favorite cereal. Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. So I'm off of the fiber. I'm eating that. I'm hurting myself a lot right now. Tony, I've got to get out of it. Wow. I've got to snap out of it. Okay. It's getting scary. Tell us more. If you don't want to hear it, it's getting weird. It's getting scary. I'm literally planning on tripping the fucking woman from FedEx tomorrow. And I don't think I should be talking about it right now. We have a nice looking police officers, a nice guy over there. I don't think I need to be talking about this. The police love us. They'll cover for you. Yeah, I'm going to get her fucking ass tomorrow. I have something real heavy coming tomorrow. Yeah. It's a very heavy thing. Keep warning everyone. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. But I got to snap out of it, Tony. So we'll see. Okay. All right. And what are you going to do if this FedEx woman is carrying that box to your place? Seize the string and steps over the string. Exactly what's your plan then? Maybe just straight up a salt or something? You're like a mud ball. A mud ball. Mud ball. A mud's been raining. A mud ball. Yeah. Mud ball. You're going to find you're going to accumulate some rocks in it. I've never even heard of such a white dress. Oh, a mud ball. A mud ball. Oh my gosh. Back in Memphis, my buddies and either one of my friends lived on this very dark street and the cars would go very fast. And after it would rain, we would all be on the side and we would honk these fucking just things of mud and rocks. It would slam into the glass windows and we would all go run and hide. And it was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up. You say balls of mud and rocks. It's very Muslim of you. A mud ball does sound like a slur that I would call a sond in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I usually call them a sand rabbit. Little fun fact. You can call anybody you want a slur if you make the slur up yourself. You can't use a slur that's been used before. It's very easy. You take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with the cute animal. What's that one? You were talking about the other day, right, Bayon? You were doing something. You were talking about... Actually, I call David Lucas a mud ball. That's what you found that for him. Is that true? No. Oh. Yeah, that'd be embarrassing, Tony. If that's really what I talk about mud balls because his fucking doll mass, that would be... All right. Well... What's on the new puzzle before I let you go? What's in the puzzle that you're working on? This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes and it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got reds. It's got blues. It's got yellows. I feel like you're feeling yourself putting this puzzle together. You had the whole like Bob Ross of puzzle thing. You got to go do it. Wow. Well, very excited. I'm about to move out there. Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. Thanks for having me. Starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me, Tony. William Montgomery, this episode brought to you by Price Picks. We did it again. This is a crazy show with a crazy bucket tonight. We had a lot of fun. Somehow, other than the regular, somehow the trans woman stole the show. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. That is indeed a son of mod and Ari Maddie. Let's see what the local artist, Chris Rogers, do over there. Oh, it's Dedric. Dedric. Pre-Grild Dedric. Red man. Check out my fake band, Capred Seven, on iTunes and YouTube. What do you guys want to plug? I got a podcast called The Solid Show with my friend, Derek Poston. And then I have a special coming out soon in January called Too Soon. Look for it on the podcast channel. There you go. Ari Maddie. I am on my first national American tour called Here This Day. And tickets are really low at the moment in Atlanta. We have 900 available. Three sold. So for a love of God, do you like me or do you like me? He is one of the best Dan of comedians in the world. Ari Maddie.com. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre-Sale starts, well, it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out. So go to Ari Maddie.com, support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He could be weeks away from the coming, the newest citizen of the United States of America, ladies and gentlemen. Shout out again to our very good friend, Jedi, who made his debut tonight. Shout out to team Woody Harrelson, who we love. I have got a knife on Thanksgiving. Whoa, a new knife. That is an American. $10 from the corner store. That is amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out after the bucket pulls are all gone. We could be dead. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.