How Mattering to Yourself & Others Can Change Your Life with Oprah, Jennifer Wallace & Ina Garten

So, Ina never cancels unless she is really sick. Definitely, yeah. And you just know it. And it builds this trust. And we live in this flake culture where people have really, I mean, I think it's a terrible thing to do. It really erodes friendships. One way to make people feel like they matter is to commit to them so they can trust you. They can trust that when they make a plan, you will be there. The most lovely thing you can do to say to somebody you matter is say, come to dinner. And I mean, when was the last time somebody called and said, come for dinner? And you said, no, I'm not really interested. I know. In a home-cooked dinner. That's right. Of course you're going to say yes. Of course you do. And when you show up, you create a community around yourselves. Hey there, it's my pleasure to be with you here on the Oprah Podcast in the great city of New York. I often say that one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned from my life and career of talking with thousands of people is that at our core, we all want to know that we matter. It's one of our fundamental desires as human beings. Every argument, every interaction we have really boils down to this. Do you see me? Do you hear me? And does what I say matter to you? So when I saw the title of this book, Mattering, The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection, I thought, Jennifer, speaking my language, It got my attention. And I love a Clementine too. So then I open it up and I see that I am quoted on page 18 in this book. Pretty cool. My guest on this podcast today believes that there has been an erosion of mattering. So that's why she was inspired to spend six years researching it all over the world. Jennifer Wallace is an award-winning journalist and founder of the Mattering Institute. Did you know there was a mattering institute? Welcome, Jennifer, to the podcast. I hear everyone calls you Jenny, so I'm going to call you Jenny. Great. Thanks, Oprah. So I find this fascinating that you asked hundreds of people around the world this question. Do you feel like you matter? We asked that of you today. Do you feel like you matter? That's a really important question. And what did they tell you, Jenny? They told me no or not anymore. I spoke with doctors who felt crushed by insurance companies, not able to practice the care they wanted. I heard from first responders wondering if their efforts were really making an actual difference. I heard from caregivers who felt like they mattered too much to everyone else except that their needs were never prioritized. I spoke with a college student who told me that she only felt like she mattered when her GPA was high and her weight was low. Yes. Yeah. So there it is. It was a crushing it was a crushing experience. But I also met people who found a way back to mattering, which was inspiring, which is what we're going to talk about today a lot. And you write on page 10. In truth, we are living through a social health crisis, a profound breakdown of the relationships that once protected us. We've lost track of our basic human needs for connection and contribution. Now we often feel tempted to fill that void with counterfeit forms of mattering, chasing attention over connection, prestige over purpose, and money over meaning. That's what you found around the world, too. people are saying, but not articulating as well as that. Right. We have, you know, this is, as you said in the intro, this basic human need that we have stopped treating as a need and more like a nice to have. And the problem is when you don't feed that need, you will find other ways to meet it, whether conscious or not conscious. And do you think now with all of the things in this abundant filled society that we live in, you would think that with all the abundance and all the access and all of the indulgence, that people would feel like they mattered more. But it's actually the opposite. It is. It's a false sense of mattering. It's sort of the junk food of mattering. I've been thinking as I was writing this book, I was thinking about the theologian Henry Nowen, who talks about the three great lies of our society. I am what I have. I am what I do. I am what people say and think about me. That is the opposite of mattering. That is the belief that I do not matter. My mattering is contingent. It is contingent on my house. It's contingent on the number of followers I have. It's contingent on the sneakers I'm wearing. It's contingent on all these other things. It's contingent on how people see me. It's how they see me, their perception of who I am instead of working on what you really are. Yeah. Yeah. So I, you know, I first heard about your book from Ina Garten. Oh, did you know that? Yes. Right here on this podcast when I was interviewing Ina from my tea house, Ina, who's one of the most, as we know, beloved people in the world, the fabulous Ina Garten. Here's a quick look at what Ina said. What do you think your purpose and your gift to the planet has been? I think writing the book has really made me realize this is I think the thing that we can do is matter to each other, is that my work matters to other people. And the thing about mattering, which a very good friend of mine, Jenny Wallace, talks about mattering and she's writing about it, is that it's so actionable that we can do things that make other people feel they matter to us. and that makes them feel good and vice versa. And it's as simple as bringing a pot of chicken soup to a friend who's sick. You're saying to that person, you matter to me. Hi, Ina Garten is here. I'm so happy to see you. The Ina Garten wanted to show you her support, Jenny, because you matter so much to her as a friend. You've been friends for how long? Years. Ten years. Ten years, yeah. Welcome, everybody, the barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten. So good to see you. So good to see you. Why did you believe so passionately in this book? Just in our conversation, you just casually mentioned it. She was writing it at the time. She was writing it, exactly. What resonated most for you, Ina? What I love about Jenny is that she's writing the book because it's important to write, but she's such a believer in people understanding this. It's really more about people having the information so that they can make their lives better. And it doesn't matter whether it's 20 people or 2,000 people. She just wants people to understand how important this is to our own satisfaction. And Ina has mattered so much to you, I'm sure, being a friend and mentor, yes. She has. I mean, I've learned so much in our 10 years of lunches and dinners. She's my mentor. I'm not her mentor. I will say if we're going to talk in mattering terms, I think Ina really showed me how to matter to myself, which is a critical aspect of mattering. And when you are a parent to three young children and trying to have a career, your needs are often not even on the to do list. And so I would go, we would meet for lunch and I would sit down and she would say, OK, so what are you doing for you? How are you? She didn't use the word mattering necessarily at the time, but she really, you know, what she showed me was we have to be intentional about finding our joy and celebrating our joy. She said to me a quote, for some people like me, work is easy, play is hard. And so I learned from Ina how to prioritize my play, how to squeeze more joy into my day, even on those really busy days. And, you know, for anybody out there like me, who's struggling with how to prioritize your own needs, I now have this simple practice that I do where every morning when I'm brushing my teeth, I say to myself, what is the one need I need to fill today for myself so that I can show up and be my best self for the people that I care about? So that's, it's about, you know, there's this great quote, self-care is other care. Yes. And as parents- We know that. Until, if your tank is empty, you don't have anything to give everybody else. Yes. Yes. I loved on our show when we were doing our podcast together, Ina, that you said it could be as simple as a bowl of soup sharing with someone. What are the other ways that you have found have been powerful in showing people that they matter? I think, I mean, Jenny and I do this all the time, is when you're with somebody, you don't have a phone, you don't have anything with you, they've got your undivided attention. And that just says you're more important to me than anything else. and you and I do something that I just love is, and we just do it spontaneously. Whenever we're together, we don't leave each other until we say, when are we going to, when's the next time? What are we doing next? We mark it in our calendars. And you actually make the time. We make the time. We just say, I'm not done. You're so important to me. I can't, I can't finish what we're doing. And we always make it and we do it without thinking about it as mattering, but, but it just, that's the way we, that you are worthy of protecting this time. I'll tell you the other thing that struck me 10 years ago when we first started becoming friends. And I think what really first started dating as girlfriends. And what struck me was how quickly you can build a sense of trust when the person, you know, is is committed to showing up to the events. So Ina never cancels unless she is really sick. Definitely. Yeah. And you just know it. And it builds this trust. And we live in this flake culture where people have really, I mean, I think it's a terrible thing to do. It really erodes friendships. One way to make people feel like they matter is to commit to them so they can trust you. They can trust that when they make a plan, you will be there. And it's in that trust, that commitment, that you feel comfortable being vulnerable. And so that's another lesson you learn from her, just by your actions, by the way you show up for other people. Did you learn anything in particular from this runaway bestseller of Aina's Be Ready When the Luck Happens? I mean, the title is a mantra of mine, which I think, yes, luck plays into it. But so does the everyday work. I mean, Aina is a scientist. Aina is a serious businesswoman. She makes it look fun and she does have fun and she prioritizes her fun. But this is work. This is every day, five days a week, sometimes seven days a week working. And that's how you build this unbelievable business and empire that both of you have built. I think Jenny and I do something else with each other. And the most lovely thing you can do to say to somebody you matter is say, come to dinner. We know how hard it is to make dinner. But when you say to somebody, come to dinner, you say, you're important to me. And you're not only important, you're important enough that I want to spend the time and the energy to make dinner for you, to take care of you. And I think we love having small dinner parties where you can really connect with people. And, I mean, when was the last time somebody called and said, come for dinner? And you said, no, I'm not really interested in a home-cooked dinner. Of course you're going to say yes. Of course you do. And when you show up, you create a community around yourselves. Well, Ina Gardner knows how to do that better than anyone in the world. Thank you. Thank you for all the gifts you've given to all of us and making all of us feel like we matter in the kitchen with our food offerings. Thank you. With our cooking, with our sharing, and being able to be around the table with friends and really feel that that is valuable time for everyone. It is. And it always is, isn't it? Don't you always walk away feeling fulfilled, like soul-satisfying kind of experience having good friends around the table? Absolutely. And we know that you have a busy schedule here in New York, so thank you for stopping by. Thank you so much. So good to see you. Give us your support. Have fun. Letting us know we matter. Thank you. Thank you, Ina Garden. I thank you for listening. After this quick break, Jennifer and I talk with one of the world's leading experts on mattering, who shares vital information on the link between mattering and your health and longevity. Hi, and welcome back to the Oprah podcast. I'm with New York Times bestselling author and journalist Jennifer Wallace. Her new book is Mattering, The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection. and purpose. If there's someone you love who is struggling with feeling valued or seen, I hope you share this episode with them So imagine my delight when I just flipping through the book reading a page and da page 15 connecting to your impact and reading stories And then I come across page 18 and there a quote from Oprah Winfrey I'm like, wow, I'm in this book where I say there's a common denominator in the human experience that we all share. So that obviously resonated with you as deeply as it has resonated throughout my life. But isn't that true? It is. It's the thread that connects us all. Yes. If you want to know someone, if you want to really know them, ask them, do you feel like you matter? Yes. Did you grow up feeling like you matter? Do you work in a place that makes you feel like you matter? Do you matter to your neighbors, to your extended families? Do you have these deep, nourishing friendships that remind you that you matter when you get pulled off course, when you doubt your own worth? We all need that. We're the wealthiest nation in the world, and we have so much affluence and indulgence and abundance. Did you find talking to people in other countries that were not as wealthy and people were not as well off, that their sense of mattering is different than ours? Yes. I would say where it comes down to is – can I dork out for a minute and talk about values? So I didn't know this before researching the book, but our values, what we value impacts our well-being. So when researchers who study it, say all of us all over the world have these same core values inside of us, and researchers separate them out into extrinsic values and intrinsic values. Extrinsic values are things like wanting the big house, wanting the high status career. That's right, the car, the things that label you. a certain image. Those are extrinsic values. Intrinsic values are things like wanting to be good to the environment, wanting to be pro-social, wanting to grow spiritually, wanting to be a good neighbor. Values operate like a zero-sum game. So the more time and energy you spend pursuing these extrinsic values, the less room you have in your life for pursuing intrinsic ones. And here's why this matters. Because extrinsic values are linked with negative mental health and substance abuse disorder, whereas intrinsic values are linked with the well-being we want. And here, it's not that we in America have bad values. It's that our extrinsic values are constantly being activated on social media, in the wider media. We are hearing these messages day in and day out in our hyper capitalistic culture that you need these things to matter, whereas people who live their lives and organize their lives through intrinsic values are are what they are doing is they are more likely living a life of mattering living a life where they feel valued by their people and where they know that they add meaningful value back well i want to bring in dr gordon fleck whom you know gordon a professor emeritus in psychology at york university in Toronto, the New York Times called him one of the world's foremost authorities on the subject of mattering. And his thoughts are featured throughout Jenny's book. Dr. Flett, thank you for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. And explain, explain why mattering is so crucial. Mattering is something that cuts across virtually everything we do and everything we have in our lives in terms of our thoughts, our feelings, but also our roles and our relationships. And, you know, I think daily it's something that we experience either in terms of that feeling of mattering or not mattering. So to me, the bottom line is that when you're thinking about mattering and somebody has a deep sense of mattering, that they are somebody who is filled with hope as well. That's the key thing from a person perspective. It goes along with a lot of other positive things, and it's very strongly related to hope. So somebody who has this sense has got a lot of positive resources they can bring up when they need it. Absolutely. And you coined the term anti-mattering also. What is that? Anti-mattering is the flip side. It's that time when you feel like you're invisible, people are going out of their way to make you feel unimportant, insignificant. And it can be very deep in terms of a soul-based thing where if you chronically are experiencing this, you're feeling you've got, you're not being seen, you don't have a voice. And, you know, So unfortunately, this is something that's related to epidemics that we have right now. Talk about the loneliness epidemic, the social media addiction epidemic. I think they're all focusing on that need to matter. And sadly, anti-mattering is very robustly correlated so that if you feel like you don't matter and it's chronic, you also have that strong sense of being alone and lonely. Yeah. As I was reading the book, I was thinking anti-mattering really contributes to people being dangerous, dangerous to themselves and dangerous to other people. Because when you don't feel like you matter, it means you can do anything to harm yourself and do anything to harm other people. Agree, Jenny? I totally agree. You will go to great lengths to prove that you matter. That you do matter. When I think about political extremes, I think about road rage. I think about shootings. Yes. I think about online attacks. These are people who are desperately saying, oh, I don't matter. I'll show you I matter. They'll even act out against themselves. There was a study that I write about of suicidal men. And the two words they used to describe their pain was useless and worthless. So when we feel like we don't matter, we can turn against ourselves or we can turn against each other. Well, Professor, you know, I think this is something that maybe a lot of people don't realize. You know, we are seeing this craze now towards longevity. It's a it's a craze happening in our culture. But how does mattering impact our morality and our longevity? I'm so glad you asked that. First, the morality, there is that subset of people Jenny referred to. That goes right back to the very first thing that was written about matter and the idea that if I can't get my sense of feeling important from these people, I'll get them from these perhaps less desirable people. The longevity part is key. That's the one thing I'd really like to underscore for your listeners and your viewers is that there's about 10 studies now that link mattering with better self-reported health and two of them involve objective measures so that you'll see a link with blood pressure, heart rate, positive chemicals versus the negative chemicals. And that's now been implicated as well in terms of quicker aging and mortality. And it goes back to what I was saying about loneliness and being a predictor of earlier death. So I really see the feeling of mattering or not mattering as a life or death thing. And, you know, ideally, people are going to be able to have a sense of mattering because it cuts down on the stress. If somebody is leading a life of not mattering, they're leading a life of extreme and chronic stress. Yeah. And danger endangering themselves and possibly other people. Well, when you feel like you don't matter, you feel like you're going through this world alone. Alone. And we know from an evolutionary perspective that we are wired to matter. Right. We are wired to be important to the band, to the group. and to not matter to the group means to be pushed out. And to our earliest ancestors, that meant death. And we are wired. And as Gord puts it, it is life or death. It is life or death. All right. Thank you, Dr. Flett or Gord. Thank you so much again. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Good to see you as well. I'm wondering, Jenny, when you were asking these questions of people around the world that we started our podcast talking about, you know, do you matter? Do you think that you matter to someone? Did just asking the question cause a lot of people to reflect in a way that your interest made them feel like they mattered? Yes, they were very open to talking about it. What I found often were the people who were saying they didn't feel like they mattered. They were going through a life transition. So either they had lost a loved one that they felt very valued by, or maybe facing an empty nest, or maybe they'd lost a job or relocated. I experienced that myself when I was a newlywed moving to London. When you go through a transition, we tend to personalize the experience. We think, oh, it's so painful. There must be something wrong with me that I'm not coping well with this change. But transitions in and of themselves are a hard thing to do. We're going from one role to another role. And if we can look at them through the lens of mattering, that offers us a pathway through the transition. So if you're going through a painful transition, look for role models, look for people who have gone through something similar and gotten through it and gotten through it. Use their life as almost like a blueprint for yourself, a little map. And then there's one other thing that I write about in the book is the power of invitation. So it is accepting invitations and issuing invitations and offering them. When we are going through something hard, we are often reluctant to reach out to people or to accept because we feel like we have to get our lives together. But there's research called the beautiful mess effect, which is the idea that we think we need to be perfect to be loved. But actually, when we are going through something hard, when we are authentic and open about it, that it actually brings people closer to us because they trust us more. They think we're authentic. So if you are going through something hard, they trust you because they see the see and feel the vulnerability. They do. They see you as a human, someone they can trust. And if you are not getting invitations, I interviewed this woman who went through a horrible divorce, didn't want to be a fifth wheel out to dinner. And so she was complaining to her therapist that her social life was zero. And the therapist said, then you start hosting dinner parties. You start inviting your girlfriends to your house. Reboot your social life. You have agency. That is a big message in the book, that if you are feeling like you don't matter, you need to know you are one decision. You are one step away from mattering again. That's right. After this short break, Jennifer and I talk with a military wife and mother who felt invisible. If you or someone you know feels the same, she found a simple, inspiring solution. So glad you're back. I'm with journalist Jennifer Wallace. Her new book, Mattering, The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, is giving us a lot to think about. Like, how can I make the people in my life know that they matter? Let's get back to it. You talk often in the book about reaching out to somebody else. You know, one of the things I remember when I read the story in the book that you share about a military wife, we went to a military base and did a whole show with military wives and treated them to wonderful things. because, as you say in the book, so many military wives feel alone. They feel like they don't matter. They feel like they've sacrificed. Military spouses are going through something called silent scaffolding, holding everything together, but they still feel invisible. So Simone Gorindo is also a journalist who wrote a book called The Wives, a memoir, and she's joining us from her home in Washington. Hi, Simone. Tell us about that feeling of invisibility. Hi, Oprah. Hi, Jenny. Just first of all, thank you so much for having me. It is an absolute honor to be here. Thank you. Well, you know, really at the very beginning of my journey of becoming an Army wife, I immediately was swimming in those waters of invisibility. My husband, it was back in 2012, he joined a rapidly deployable combat unit in the Army. And I left my job as an editor in New York City and packed up a U-Haul. And we drove south to Columbus, Georgia. Oh, Lord. And two weeks later, he deployed. It's a long way. It was a long way. And I left everything I knew behind. I'd never been south of the Mason-Dixon line. And I didn't even have a driver's license to get myself around. I was that much of a fish out of water. And two weeks after we arrived, my husband deployed to Afghanistan. And on one level, I knew what I was signing up for. I knew he was going to deploy and go train. But it was such an isolating experience. I felt so alone so immediately. And I couldn't call him. And if he could call me, it was over these monitored phone calls. And especially in the beginning both of us were getting this messaging that we needed to be as quiet as possible about where he was what he was doing So he was so nervous in the beginning I remember asking him what he had for breakfast and he said I can talk about that So really, my husband, my closest connection, I just kind of felt like I'd lost him overnight. And it was confusing, too, because we get this messaging from commanders that, you know, we are essential. They can do what they do because of you. They're training and deploying at this breakneck speed, and you are keeping it together. Like you said, you are the silent scaffolding at home, keeping it together. And that's true. And also really our primary job is to be silent and invisible and to not let on where he's going. And there's really so many facts of our lives we can't share with our loved ones. And that can make you feel pretty invisible. What helped to make you start to feel like you mattered? Well, luckily, I didn't know anybody except the woman across the street who was a wife in the same unit. And she was as new to this world as I was. And we had gone to the deployment drop off together and seen each other cry, but otherwise knew nothing about each other. And that first week after our husband's left, I remember looking through the blinds, watching her drive to the store, watching her wash the dishes. It sounds a bit stalkerish and feeling like I wanted to reach out, but wondering if, you know, it's what Jenny was saying. Like, I felt like maybe I wasn't doing this right. Like she knew how to do this. She was doing great. She felt strong. And I, on the other hand, was not doing so well in my new life. So I was nervous. But thankfully, she was bold. She reached out. She said, come over for TV and wine. And I basically ran over there in my pajamas. And that night we had this really intimate conversation, I think, because we both needed someone to talk to so much. And I'll never forget it. At the end of the night, she said, thank you for opening up to me. And it's so simple. It's such a simple phrase, but it really stunned me, I think, because it shifted my perspective on how you show up in a relationship and a friendship. I think I had thought that to share my struggles was I was a burden if I did that. And she was saying, no, it's it's a gift. And that just that phrase in and of itself was an invitation. And after that, we went on to cook each other dinner. As you talked about, we went grocery shopping together. She taught me how to drive later during a really rough deployment. I had pretty bad perinatal anxiety with my first pregnancy and she had a toddler at that point. and I spent so many nights at her house, which at that point was a mile away, that my Maps app started registering her address as home. And, you know, that was she was my lifeline. And it was we were necessary to our spouses and we were necessary to each other. But with each other, we got to feel seen and heard and really share the secret of our lives. Why did you include the story in the book, Jenny? It resonated so much with me. You don't have to be a military spouse to feel that feeling of being so necessary to so many other people and yet your needs not being prioritized. And I think what Simone hits on is something that we don't talk enough about in our culture, which is the idea that our resilience rests on the depth and support of our relationships. So we are sold this bill of goods by the multi-billion dollar wellness industry to download, you know, to light a candle or to soak in a bubble bath and you'll be resilient. Those are great stress reducers, but they do not give us the resilience we need to show up day in and day out as the sturdy adults that we want to be for the people that we care about. It's only in our deep relationships. And decades of research show this, that resilience rests on relationships. And Simone's story shows just that. Yeah. Simone, thank you for joining us in this conversation. Thank you so much, Oprah. And I'm glad you just reached out. She was just across the street. I can see you opening the curtain, looking there. She's going now. That's a beautiful story. Thank you. Thank you. Well, Christina's from Georgia and posted this on TikTok. Watch. I wasn't allowed to be a full person growing up. And because of that, I struggle a lot with trusting that people are genuinely interested in me and that people want to hear from me because my parents didn't genuinely emotionally engage with me or try to be interested and actively interested in me as a person. It feels like a constant daily battle. Christina is joining us. Hi, Christina. Hi. Hi, Christina. What happened when you shared that post on TikTok? That post brought me so much comfort to know that other people felt the same way as me and what I was feeling. You see, I moved around a lot as a kid. I would be at one school in the fall and a new one in the spring. And with that experience, it brought feelings of instability. and also isolation because it was hard to form deep bonds and make roots in a place. And so my family became my emotional world. And when I was in that world, I had to suppress a lot of myself. Because your family didn't understand what you were going through. Yes. Right. I read that your mother wanted to move up in the world. And every time you were pulled out of another school, they were just like, get over it. They didn't understand the emotional toll that was taking on you as a little girl. And that happened to go into another place and make new friends and being the one walking in who is not like everybody else because all the other kids had already started school. So that had a great impact on you. Significantly. It's even harder to make connections now. I am in therapy, though. And in therapy, I have been building a sense of self. And the next stage that I'm working on is building deeper connections in relationships. So what's your question? What's your question for Jenny? My question is, when you're trying to show up for another person, but your needs aren't being reciprocated and they make you feel like you don't matter, how do you navigate those relationships? Oh, well, thank you first for telling your story. And I have to say, I'm glad you were validated through the people on TikTok, because what you're describing is not uncommon. Even throughout our entire lives, we will struggle to make new friends, we will relocate, we will change jobs. Building friendships is a skill, and it's a skill we can learn. My question for you is, is this person that you're talking about someone that you need in your life? Is this someone that you work with or you have in close proximity that you can't get away from because you deserve a reciprocal relationship. And I think you know that. So I guess my first question to you is, do you have to be around this person? I don't think so. It's more so whenever I go out to events of similar people, meet people with similar interests is where I might meet someone who says they're really interested and want to be my friend but then i show an effort and it maybe they flake or like something comes up or it's not reciprocated yeah yeah oprah and i were talking about this whole flake culture yes uh and how corrosive it is for building trusting relationships yeah so earlier in the show aina garden was here and we were saying that the one thing that you can count on for aina is that if she says she's going to show up she shows up and we were just saying we're that we're that kind of woman too. If I tell you I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. I'm going to follow through. And this whole, oh, I'm so sorry, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. It's just not even, I don't have friends like that. I have a very low tolerance for it. I have a low tolerance for it, yes. So I'm happy to hear you have a low tolerance for it too, actually. That's what that means. That's what this means. And so when I was your age and I was moving cities and changing and had to make new friends, one of the ways that I was able to find friends who shared my values were doing things that sort of reflected my values. So for example, I work with the homeless here in New York. And so I was volunteering. And so I was able to meet people who at their core had the same interests. And so I wonder if where you're looking for friendships could be shifted so that it reflects more about who you are and what matters most to you and look for the people there. It's really interesting to hear that. Um, occasionally I go on Sundays to make sandwiches for the homeless. So it was very touching to hear your experience and going to keep on trying. Oh, keep going. And you are right to, to think that you are worthy of a friendship that's reciprocal. And I'm so happy to hear that you're working on yourself because what I have found in my research is that we need to learn how to matter to ourselves. and when we can matter to ourselves, it raises the bar on the kind of people we will allow in our lives. Thank you, Christina. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Next, a remarkable young man I read about in Jenny's book who I am so excited to meet. He went from working as a sanitation worker, cleaning dumpsters to getting into Harvard Law School. What he did next was even more extraordinary. Hi, welcome back. Author Jennifer Wallace has simple, actionable steps to make the people in your life, at your job, at your school, in your family, in your everyday encounters, feel like they matter. It's the universal thing we all want. I know this for sure. Here's more. Also in the book, you share this remarkable story about Ruhan. I love that story. Can you share it briefly before we meet him? Oh my gosh, he's remarkable. We could do a whole hour on him. So as a young child, his family struggled. He struggled with food insecurity. When he graduated high school, he became a sanitation worker, felt very proud to be serving his city that way, but also felt invisible in that uniform. He had people in his life from the very beginning who invested in him. His coworkers invested and pushed him to live out his dream, which was to go to college. He went to college. He didn't just go to college. He went all the way Harvard Law School. His story is remarkable. Okay, so Ruhan is joining us from New York. Hi, Ruhan. How are you doing? Thank you so much for having me. So glad to see you. Likewise, likewise. So we want to know, I'm so fascinated by the story Jenny tells in Mattering about your taking on the job as a sanitation worker. And what struck me is that moment where you and a couple of other of your co-workers were painting a dumpster, I think, right? You're painting a dumpster. Tell us about that moment. I'll never forget that, actually. I remember I was at a different yard that day on Polk Street in Washington, D.C. I was barely ever at that yard. On this given day, a lot of people were walking by us, but there was a mother walking with her son. How old was the son? I was trying to picture how old. it had he had to have been somewhere between the ages of like seven and nine okay okay it's really young yeah but i remember she like bent down towards like pointed at us but she tried to whisper but she just wasn't that good at whispering but she said you know don't be like them and you know at this time you know i was working a full-time job you know there while also being in school full-time and it was just interesting where i just remember i was really trying my best at this point because my father had just suffered a stroke. And I just remember like that was just very demoralizing. I'll never forget that day, like ever. When the mother is walking by with her son and she points to you and your fellow co-workers and says, don't be like them. But you know what? That became a motivating force for you. It sounds like. Definitely You know my father was in the sanitation industry My brother was in the sanitation industry And you know I had nothing but pride to be there do what we had to do There was nothing wrong with the profession I loved my co I loved my bosses And so again, I just had to take the time to put in the work to just show people what we're made of. But share for us how people, how invisible you were to other people as a sanitation worker. Can we talk about that so my primary job was cleaning up the dumpster so like a dumpster might be out let's say in a city for like a year or so or maybe like five months and then when it starts breaking down they have to bring the dumpster back to refurbish it so that was that was my division and you would never believe like what you would find in those dumpsters like one i one time i found a grenade there was a grenade in that dumpster there was like so many needles glasses etc There are things that are not actually supposed to go into this type of trash. Yeah. Because when we're actually cleaning it up, you know, people get hurt all the time. There are so many things that can go wrong when you're actually cleaning these things out. And it's just those types of moments where you kind of realize people aren't really even being considerate of. Of course not. You know, because this trash has to go somewhere. And, you know, we're just one of the few people that has to pass this through on its way to its final destination. And quite frankly, not just that, but again, even like when people are walking past us at the yards, well, depending on what yard we're in, but sometimes if you're at a specific yard where people are walking by, people like will throw things into the dumpster that we're cleaning, like as we're cleaning it. Yeah. No regard for you as a human being, being a real person at all. Not in the slightest. Yeah. OK. So were you working to earn money for college or school or was it going to be a permanent job? How do you go from being a sanitation worker to Harvard? Well, I just got really lucky. What ended up happening was I was doing really good in martial arts when I was in high school. I was winning so many national titles across the country and eventually we were transitioning to boxing. I ended up having a really bad injury in my left shoulder. And from there, I just wanted to be able to help out my father, who was raising us by himself for like the last like 10 years. And so upon that, I ended up going to work for the sanitation company. I ended up doing like really, really, really well there. And my two co-workers like went to talk to the owner of the son. And they realized, you know, this guy has a lot of potential, maybe he should go and try something else. So essentially, the owner of the trash company pushed me to go to college. He helped me get into Bowie State University. And then from there, I had access to, I had a food scholarship, I had tutors, et cetera. And then I became a 4.0 student. And from there, I just transferred to the University of Maryland. And my father had suffered a stroke. And so that's why I started working full time as a sanitation worker while also being in school full time. I had the best dad in the world. So when he went down, I just knew I had to do something to keep this going. And so I didn't want to give up school. I wanted to make sure the bills kept getting paid. And so from there, I graduated speaker of the class and then went on to Harvard Law School. Wow. Oh, you say it like until I got a 4.0 and then I did this and then I want people to read your story in Jenny's book, Mattering. But tell us about being at Harvard and the day you saw one of the custodians in the hallway. And tell us what happened in that moment. Yeah, I remember I was walking down this empty hallway and then this custodian walked towards me and I simply just said, hi, how are you doing? And she said, are you talking to me? And I said, yes, how are you doing? And then she said again, are you talking to me? I said, yeah. That makes me want to cry. I know. Yeah. And I said, yeah, I'm talking to you. And she said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. students don't talk to me students would rather look at the wall than talk to me direct quote and to which i said i said that's effed up uh to the degree that you want yeah to the degree that you want like i'll be happy to talk to you i would i would love to talk to you whenever i get a chance to see you and after that moment you know i just it just sat with me for a long time uh well that sits with me too you know why and i hope everybody listening that's how you let somebody know they matter. People who are the most unseen, the people holding the doors, the doorman, the sanitation workers, the custodians, the housekeepers in a hotel. I always make sure I stop and say hello to those people, regardless of what's going on. That makes the biggest difference in the world. Yeah. And so when I went home, I basically just said I want to create some type of organization just to make sure that this population gets uplifted and gets the treatment that they deserve. And so essentially I ended up raising like $70,000 over the course of the rest of that year. And then we ended up creating the reciprocity effect, essentially just nonprofit that basically just wants to uplift and show love to Blue Collar support staff workers. Didn't you have a party for all of them? That's how we were able to raise the money. So you had a party for all the custodians around the school. Yeah, exactly. How did you even organize that? Well, they sold me all around to school. So when I started raising money for this event, I knew I wanted to create this big banquet for the support staff workers. So essentially, so from that moment, I was pretty much from the point I was raising money because we had the event in my 3L year, but I was working on it since the middle of my second year of law school. Wow. So from that whole point, I was raising money and also marketing for it collectively. And the reason the way I was really happy about it, We had over 200 people turn out. And there was like a quote from one of the custodians that like sits with me till this day. She came up to me after the event and she said she was one of the people who got an award. And she told me, I've never seen my son so proud of me. And till this day, like that just gives me goosebumps. And I'm just I'm just truly grateful that we had the support to pull that off. So you're in the book mattering, Jenny's book mattering. when you were doing this, were you doing it because you wanted to matter or you wanted other people to know they mattered? Or was that even a part of your thinking? You know, the way I always like thought about this question was, this is just how my dad raised me. I remember just watching my dad as I was growing up and he just always made sure that people felt seen, people got love. He was like the neighborhood dad, just not my dad, but the neighborhood dad. And I just think as I go throughout my life, it was just my natural way of going about things. I just happened to have the resources at times to take this to another level. But quite frankly, I just didn't think about it. It was just the way my dad raised me to be. Well, I expect to see great things from you, sir. Thank you so much. You have such a big heart and you're grounded in a value system that's going to take you a long way. And just reading your story and now having a chance to actually hear your voice and connect with you, you make me proud. Thank you so much. And thank you so much, Jenny, for even allowing me to be a part of this book and just allowing me to be here. Thank you to both of you. It's such an honor to be able to tell your story. Thank you for sharing it. Thanks, Ruhan. Thank you so much for showing us how to make other people feel like they matter. It's such a powerful story. You know, most people spend most of our waking hours at work. And there are a lot of people who you research in the workplace. And you found that many people are desperate to feel like they matter at work. And a lot of people are anxious to leave because they don't feel like they matter. Yeah. There's a statistic, 70% of our workforce is disengaged. What is disengagement at work? When you feel like you don't matter at work, when you feel invisible or replaceable, or you have to endure rudeness and incivility, that sense of feeling like you don't matter is painful. So a coping strategy for that is actually distancing ourselves and disengaging, quiet quitting. These are the results of feeling like you don't matter. So even the least human-centered workplaces should be incentivized to lead with mattering because what we know is that engagement leads to productivity, leads to creativity, better teamwork, higher profits. So there are ingredients to mattering. It's been studied since the 80s, and I've sort of created this acronym, SED, to remind me of the ingredients, of the main ingredients of mattering. So what does it feel like to matter at work or in our friendships or in our families? It's to feel significant, appreciated, invested in and depended on. So significant. It doesn't mean, you know, needing a toast or an award at work. What struck me was how often people said when I asked them if they mattered, that it was the small things that somebody appreciated what they said or made them feel like they were critical to the team, that we couldn't have done this without you. You're an important person here. We need you here. Can you imagine how those custodians felt after that celebration of them at Harvard? Well, feeling significant is feeling noticed, right? When you walk into a room, people are making eye contact and asking about you. Appreciation is, I like to think of it as appreciating the doer behind the deed. So if you have a colleague who's always planning cocktail parties after work, happy hours, instead of saying to them, thank you so much for this fun night, you could say, thank you for being such a community builder here. Because of you, our team is so much closer. I'm grateful to you. Feeling invested in is what we saw with Rahan, that it's having people in your life who are invested in your well-being, invested in your goals, and also having people in your life that you're invested in their goals and in their well-being. And then the last is feeling dependent on, knowing that you are trusted and relied on in the workplace, you are trusted to do something, and that the workplace wouldn't be the same without you there. Yeah. I remember in Mattering, you spoke to one guy who said he didn't feel like he mattered anymore because nobody depended on him anymore. That happens a lot in retirement. That happens a lot in the late stages in aging. We think about wealth span and health span, how healthy we'll be, how much money we'll have to retire. We need to think about our mattering span. We need to think about how will we matter to 100 and beyond. That is what we need to live this rich, meaningful life that all of us deserve. So is that the message you want to leave our listeners with for how to matter or matter to other people? Well, I want to leave them with the idea that if you are feeling like you don't matter, you are one action away from mattering again. And here's one challenge that I've been issuing to myself and I'll offer to you that everyone I meet, whether they are strangers or friends or family, I picture them with a sign around their necks saying, tell me, do I matter? We can all answer that question with warmth, with a smile, with kindness, with compassion instead of judgment. We are starved in this modern world. We are starved of mattering. Be a mattering agent. Be somebody that makes people feel like they matter. Boy, there's no greater calling than that. Wow. So well said. We're going to end it there. There's so much more and so many more ideas in the book. I think everybody should pick up a copy of Mattering, The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. If you're looking for deep connection and purpose, there are lots of ideas and thoughts and stories about how to get there in this book, Mattering. It's available wherever books are sold. And I thank you again, Ina Garden. We love you so much for stopping by. Thank you, Dr. Flett, Simone, Ruhan, Christina. Thank you, Jenny. Oh, Oprah, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for the Mattering Institute. Wow. Thanks, Oprah. Thank you. You can subscribe to the Oprah podcast on YouTube and follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. I'll see you next week. Thanks, everybody.