Kristen Schaal and the Science of "Bricked" with Katya

Oh my God, oh my God. How's my hair so wet? It'll be dry within the episode. It does look good though. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Right? Does it look good or is it askew? Is it askew? Tracy, look right in the camera. We're rolling. Oh, it is a little, hold on. It's a little askew. Look into the camera. It's like. Oh, I'm looking at, I'm looking at. I'm, I'm, I'm. Just pull it down on the right. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause if I don't fix this, then you won't air my episode. That is so true. It's based off the hair. It's like when you take a picture with someone and you never see it again. Cause they looked bad even. Yes. Yes. And it looks good. It looks like you just like rolled out of bed. Which is exactly what happened. And it takes a little, as you know, as a woman in Hollywood, it takes about two and a half hours to get that bed head scrunch. Yes it does. Or the other, the other look is the beach hair. Well, that's what we're talking about. The beachy wave. And I was like, after two hours, I was like, look what we did. And I looked in the mirror and I'm like, what the, I could have done that. Nothing has changed. I'm just putting my Junot disturb on. I'm not watching porn. Oh my God. I'm not watching porn. Watching porn on your iPhone, it feels like the porn stars could watch you back. I have never thought. What? I would think that the evil porn kings are, the people who are at the top of the porn mountain or the evil guys, they're watching you back. I love that they're on a porn mountain. Mountains are kind of the porn dogs of nature. Right? That's the title. The porn dogs of nature. Okay, so in order for people to understand, we always just like, we don't really start or end the podcast. It kind of just, it like clips on and it goes, and then it just abrupts. So I'm going to give you a proper intro because this is actually the third time we're completing a trilogy. It's, yeah, this is Trace said this will be it for me. She said this will be my last interview. And so in her last interview, well, it's because the number three is very holy, very sacred. Yeah, and people are very definitive. People want something new. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's some. Okay. Okay. And I briefly used on the way here, I was, I was in a panic. So I rushed out paper bag, wet hair, this hair, ran out of the house, shirt unbuttoned, pants unzipped. And I had a shopping bag, a paper bag full of a wet wig, a bottle of water, a half a Xanax just in case. And then, and then like a whole bunch of other crap. And I got in the car, lovely driver. And he, and I was like, what would artificial intelligence do to like, what would Katya say about Christian Shaw? And it was so bad. It was so corny. And it was like, and it's not even, and I don't want to like to read it because it made me so depressed at the same time. I'm like, oh, thank God. It didn't get it right. No, no, it was like, it was like zany and hijinks and like things like that are like words, corny words used to describe a theme or a tone or whatever that I suppose you could apply to me, you know, but it was just like, yeah, it was like a simultaneous relief, but also it was like, well, shit, I just used it. It's like, I just, it's like, does that knife really stab people? And I just stab someone. You know how the Gmail was starting to rewrite everybody's emails? So I figured out how to turn it off. So that's, that, Cause it was like, That happened next. Oh, it's awful. So you can get it turned off, but it was like, it did show me how bad of a writer I am. And I was like, okay, this is, everyone's gonna know that I'm faking this because it doesn't have five exclamation marks after every sentence. And it doesn't have like, like and just like, just a dust. That is so faking fun. You said that because I intentionally kept at least four typos. Like I had, yes, with three S's. And then a long couple of like two periods and then dot, dot, like space, space, space, space, space. Thank you. No comma, Brian. Like I was just like, I, that's enough. They'll get the info and I don't want your help. No, it's creepy. It's really creepy. It's creepy. And I, I watched a clip of, Oh, sorry, hold on. Back to the intro. Oh, sorry. My last intro. In her final performance in her swan song. Swan Lake. Did you see the show? No, I'm dying to. Okay, okay, okay. Can we talk about it? No, it's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. My guest tonight in her, today. Let's see, it's not even too, maybe they're watching this at night. Okay. Yeah, you don't know. Oh, you're gonna read the AI? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna read my own version of it. Okay. Okay. Today we are blessed with a trinity, a eulogy for our guest whose final performance will not only reverberate to the halls of podcastum, but through the audio, rock and roll hall of fame. From the bunny ears of Louise Belcher on Bob's Burgers, to the tech chaos of My Spy, the Eternal City. And the blood-soaked sensuality of vampire politician, the guide? Yeah. Yeah, and what we do in the shadows. She's built a career, oh, this is, okay. She's built a career on being one of the most distinct voices in the business, returning to the big screen in Toy Story 5. And taking her surreal solo show, the Legend of Crystal show, to the Netflix as a joke fest. She's funny, she's fabulous. And she represents to us the confluence of beauty, talent, and untamed and unbridled sexuality. Yes. We are, wait, not done. Sorry, I just, that's when an untamed sexual person would do. Sorry, sorry. We're often wondering what is the exact confluence of all of the perfect qualities of a human being, and they are here tonight in one human form, Kristen Schumann. Mm, welcome. Thank you, thank you. AI was like, she's dating the hygiene through, and as they go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's like, oh, fuck off. Yeah, fuck off with that. I'm quirky. Oh yeah, she's quirky. She's quirky. What's it like being a quirky lady and a leading lady Hollywood? You wanna be a leading lady in Hollywood? What's a quirky lady? It's like, huh. It doesn't matter, because they'll just cast the leadation, now let's look quirky one. Who are your, um, Nemesis? I don't have any Nemesis. No, I think you do. Julia Roberts. What a big mouth. Huge, huge, huge. With that smile is not only, it's dazzling, it's dangerous. Yeah, I think she could fit a whole mango in there. We better call it, I bet George has seen her do that on Lake Homo. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I've heard a lot about, I'm obsessed with, anytime I go anywhere near a Hollywood production set, you know, I ask anybody who is working, they're like, have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julia Roberts? And then anybody else who they worked with. And I haven't really got a lot of juicy gossip yet, but I did get some gossip that says, she's very, very, very nice to men. Okay. And that was all they said. And was that a woman saying it? I got a little juicy gossip from her. Please, please, please. From Julia? Yeah, not from her, but someone was telling me, because I worked on, what was it called? It was my parents' favorite movie I ever made, A Walk in the Woods. I had four lines, but it was with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. So they, that finally I did something. That's like, holy shit. Yeah, it's pretty good. You know, like my, like the disappointing thing about that movie is that I was only on that set for like maybe two days, because they would start like talking about like the day they hung out with Marilyn Monroe and who's that guy that wrote of mice and men? Oh, John Steinbeck? Yeah, Steinbeck. You know what I mean? Like they lived the whole culture. Right, right. Yeah, there's like the American culture started and stuff. Yeah, Robert Redford, did he die recently? That's the rumor. That's the rumor, but I don't know. I don't know if it's true. I think he's just tired of the spotlight and he's just like faked it. There's no doubt he's just like living in Tepenga Canyon, just like breathing a sigh of relief. In a hot spring that he created. Underground. No, the, oh, so the gossip was is that we were like, you know, working past the, there's sometimes there's penalties if they make you stay longer or whatever. And I just heard that when that would happen on a set with Julia Roberts, you are actually supposed to give them cash for the hours of the penalty every hour, like give them cash. Give the actors cash? Yeah. With the actors? Well, she would ask for it in cash before she would agree to do it. And then she would take the cash. And it wasn't like what, it was like the penalty for the union. So it was like, you know, $100 an hour or whatever. But she would, no, she would divide it up with her hair and makeup people so they could walk home with cash. So that's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah, so whoever, you know what, whoever told me that thing about Julia Roberts, I think maybe they had spun it. She said, she gets, I think that I would, the part I missed was she only gets along with men because she loves women. Oh! Do you know what I mean? Maybe. She merely gets along with it. Maybe, but I mean, like that's a thing. Sometimes you're just feeling men more than women and sometimes you're feeling women more than men. And sometimes you grow out of that. Yeah. Sometimes you grow up and you stop being sexual. Sometimes you just shake that off. I, ooh. Ooh. So. I do have to get this out of the way because it's on my mind every time I look at you is that your skin is glowing. Okay, that's weird. Did you put makeup on? I know. No, it doesn't look like it. No, I didn't. It's like fresh faced glow. I've done you, I, 5 a.m. running out of the house with wet hair. You look amazing. Sarah, just wait, don't stop. I'm gonna, now I'm gonna start looking crazy. I, Because you're thinking about your face. Yeah, and I'm gonna turn beet red. Have you ever turned beet red? You're gorgeous. Oh my God, shut up. Could you be more specific? I mean, like your cheekbones are really pretty and your head is like shaped nice. It's just that, it's just that it's the unit. It's the unit. But I have to, I have to. The what? Oh, it's, this is what you call a men's unit. It is? Well, you can call it a two-pay, but it's not exactly that because it's just like, it's like, Because a two-pay goes with the rest of the hair and this is like. Yes, and I don't have any. Yeah, this is like striking. Actually, this could be, I mean, I suppose it is a two-pay because I could conceivably have this, sort of like hair around here. Like Mr. Bates. I thought it was a wig. I would call it a wig too. But then your, but because unit seems like, when you say unit, I'm thinking about like dick. Oh, because then, but then we can say it's a system. System, what about a system? Then there's be more than one moving part. Well, that's just like when. Well, the system, the hair system gets, that's where it gets interesting because when the unit becomes a system, it's when there are multiple, there's an installation process involved. This is great. Like glue, like glue and a hat. So you go to, and scarf sunglasses. I can't, yeah. A neck brace. And a bag over your head. Yeah. So you go, I would say I had, the problem is I have all gray hair, whatever is, whatever would grow in on my head is absolutely gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. Oh, that's beautiful though. Like Steve Martin. Yes, that is like, just like Steve Martin in a full head of it too. Total full head, just like Steve Martin. Or, and so if I did that, I would go to the barber or go to the specialty barber in the basement through a tunnel because you don't want anybody to see this happen. Okay. To the window, you know what I mean? Because you don't want to give away your secrets. No, no. So they put the unit on your head, they glue it on with like epoxy resin or something crazy. Not really that, but, and then they cut, they give you a haircut and they blend the unit into your hair. But you have to go back for maintenance because of course your hair grows. But the unit stays. The unit stays. The unit doesn't grow. And you got to go for touch ups. I would say probably once a week. Oh, that's too much. No shit, because some of, now I'm telling you, some of these guys I've seen in real life have un-clockable systems. Systems. Systems, because they have to, the way that they seamlessly blend their, you know, back inside hair into the, I mean, I'm talking like a skin fade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's unbelievable. It's beautiful. Unless you grabbed it and yanked it off. That's gonna ask about that in a fight. Oh, it would be. It would hurt. I don't think it would hurt. You don't think that the glue would pull up some scalp? No, I don't. It could probably, it would definitely like be like some, I don't think like blood, but it would be like pulling off a really, really hard sticker or like, Like a bandaid, like a hurtful bandaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. And it may be even blood, but who knows what they put on these days. I know they don't go swimming in these. Oh. Well, I don't know that. I just didn't know that. But it would be the ultimate humiliation, which is so fascinating to me. Because if this thing blew off in Chicago, say. Yeah. I would be like, and then I would just continue with my day. You would let it go, you would let it find a new home. Yeah. You wouldn't put up lost and found signs for your unit. No, cause I have four more of them at home. Okay. And that's human hair. It surely is. And it's really nice. Yeah. You know what the fun thing is, I shampoo and condition it in the shower on my head. Oh, Kristen. Enjoy your life. Oh my God. It's part of you. I just running out of shower with wet hair. You really were. Well, that makes sense. Cause it would keep the shape too. Whereas if you were like in there. Exactly. I did throw it into a paper bag on the way here. I have so many questions about that. Half Xanax. Are you going to pop it during this? No, no, no, no. It's always an emergency. Okay. It's my sign I'd pill. Okay. And is the emergency like, you got a call from your ex and also your business manager. Oh, you're like, like, I've been so far like. No, no. It's just, it's just, it's like, oh, this is what I say or what I say, what they said on contact. There's a million reasons we can think of for you to take this, but mostly it's for the reasons we can think of. Oh. Isn't that interesting? Yes. Like the sign I'd pill. Cause she's like, I'm not, I didn't go all the way. I'm not going to travel all the way to space to just kill myself. And then she's like, they're like, listen, if you face and like an excruciating, you know, eternal torture or whatever, right, bite down on that little tic tac. Yes. Let them have it or let you, you know. Oh no, it was a tic tac pill. Stop. Where'd I put it? What about sign I'd pills? What? What sign I pills? Yeah. What about us? I mean, I just, I rewatched Dune part one last night and he bites down on the tooth that releases poison. Oh yeah. And I thought that was kind. So I, and I'm just wondering about, I'm glad that they don't exist because I think, how do you know they don't? They probably do. Well, no, I mean, there's definitely like, you know, maybe not a dental implant version, but something like a nasal spray. Yeah. Something very, very quick and easy. Today's ball and the beautiful is brought to you by Wayfair. You guys, you can trust me. 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Do you know about that? What? No, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book and we were talking about at a party. I learned something I didn't know. Oh my God, let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this because I know all about it. Great, it was like all of a sudden, cause my whole life, and I'm so sorry to the listeners. Yeah, the people on the 405, the 110, the I-90 and the I-MASS and 495 to Worcester and mess Jesus. Get your cyanide pills, you're gonna be there for a while. Put your blue blockers on, put the hazards on, pull over and bite down hard on that pill. And bite down hard. Yeah, bite down hard. Cause if you don't go all the way through, you're gonna wake up and you're still there. But put your hazards on the shoulder. Life's worth living. Life's worth living. It surely is. And even for these Unix, so I didn't, my whole life when you said, oh, they got, would they call it, wouldn't get your... So they get castrated. Castrated, and okay, so I thought everybody's balls came off, that's it, end of story. I didn't realize they would remove the penis as well. And they would put a piece, a little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate. And like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee. But they wouldn't have a penis. And they would, because the only good thing in my mind about a penis is that you can stand up and pee and they would deprive they'd have to sit like me. Yeah, and spray everywhere. Everywhere, everywhere, just like, stay in a pit, everywhere. Like a perfect pyramid. Oh my God, they're all around. You have to get a funnel. You have to get a large, large funnel. No, it's the largest size of the funnel. What is it like to just have just such an elegant stream of piss three, five, eight times a day? I... How often do you piss? Like, what's the healthy amount? Well, this is a card that we come again to a very controversial talking point. Uh-oh, good thing it's my last time on the show. In your last interview ever. Well, it's dry and upbeat. That's a really great question. I think it's a good opener too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day and have you today? So there's the jury is hung on this. Don't say hung when we're talking. Because for the longest time, I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration and healthy. But then I heard a counterpoint, which is that your urine is a waste product. Yeah. You drink when you're thirsty. Yeah. Period. Yeah, we're all, we really are all walking around with bottles of water, like babies. But like babies, like... Like, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man. Yeah, no, the only time water is an emergency, well, I mean, water is an emergency very many frequently times. But when I did, when I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s. Of course you did. You've done every trend. I know it. Bollyage. I did, what is that? I did, has Ma Zhang ever entered the... Ma Zhang? Ma Zhang, that's not a trend. That's a tradition. No, I know how to play. I just took a class. So does Julia Roberts. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends. Oh my God. Do you know how? No, I'd love to learn, though, with Julia. Do you know they... Well, okay, I can't help you there. Wait, wait, wait, we have to go back to Unix. Okay, so it's good. Dang it. They always get forgotten. I know. Well, what's the... So this is a plot point on my favorite show, The Game of Thrones. Okay, yeah, yeah. So because the Unsullied Army is famously... So she asks, the Dragon Queen asks, so when they, you know, when they clip their business, they take the twig and the berries. Right. And apparently... That must have gone over my head. Yeah, apparently, yes they do. They take both of them. They took both of them. They take them both. But I... I had to hold on to them. What? I had to hold on to them. Like the whole time? Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that, they would put them in a box. This is my friend. And then went and to take them with them because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole. Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooch? I mean, or like a hat. Like, just like a hat. I mean, depending on how... I mean... I mean, usually they do it quite young, so I'm not imagining it could be like... You could maybe like bronze it, make a brooch. Oh, a bronze brooch would be great. Yeah. Or like a... Or like a big... But like a belt buckle, which would be confusing. A big'll be too close. A big'll be too close. Oh, yeah. Like at a masquerade. Yeah. But so there is Anne Rice wrote this book called Cry to Heaven. Yeah. Which was about... I read it in seventh grade. And it was about Italian Castrati Unix singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super like lusty. But I had a boner. Well, lucky you. Yeah. I know. I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body whilst reading this book. It's fabulous book. I don't know. She's... Anyways, they're making... Tom Ford is making a movie about this. Based on the book or just... Yes. Really? And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this? I will be sitting with you in the back row, not the front, the back row for that film. I am excited about this film. I can't wait. I mean, Dune part three, get out of here. Avengers Dune Day. Just go fuck off. We're ready for the UNIX show. Crystal Shell, get out of here. Well, you were talking about... I think I might have brought this up. You're talking about getting a boner, reading that book. The last time I got... Bricked. Turned on... Brick, what's bricked? It means hardened, erect, domestic. That's kind of hot. I love it. I like it too. It's like gentle, but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it and also... Yeah. What's my favorite... What do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like, I don't want to steal. I don't want a concrete penis. I like one that is just starting to wilt, so it has a little bit of pliability. Is it wilting because you did a bad job? Yes. Oh, it's hot. Yes. It's hot. Like why did you let it get there? It wasn't like... He just bit into the cyanide pill. Ah! Ah! No. It's like Swarth Living. Just reiterate. You or someone you know is struggling. No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't take the pill. Don't even take the Xanax and don't drive. Don't take the Xanax. Don't drive. Oh, just... Oh, wait. So I was watching WAM, the WAM documentary. And I was not ready. Is this George Michael? Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name wrong. I'm sorry. But the other WAM guy, Andrew. And anyways, but George Michael is like in his like prime. And he is like singing and he's moving his body and like just like... So evocative. And I'm like watching it by Liverpool. And all of a sudden I looked at it and my hips were going like this towards the TV. Towards George Michael. And I didn't know I was doing that. It's just like he's like... It's like, yeah. And my husband's over there, you know. But I was just like watching him be singing. He'd be singing and I'd just be like up here. That's the only time that's ever happened. Wow. The pad... I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn. That belt. Like he'd wear a belt and jeans and just like... I don't even think he like was aware. You know, that's what's so hot. Like it's just like there is the... We've talked about George Michael. He's just like the music's just like going through him. Maybe he was aware about it. I think he was aware. And I think he wielded it to glorious effect. But the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I... Oh yeah, it felt... He wasn't... He wasn't trying. He wasn't trying too hard. But he was getting me bricked. Yeah. And I like to spell it like... Can I get bricked? You can't but when it's for women, it's B-R-I-Q-U-E-D, like briquette. Oh, God. So it's... Gross. I'm out. Well, you are after this, unfortunately. I know! I know! Oh no! This is the only podcast where people like happily are that I'm here. Like I read the comments and I'm like, oh my God. When I'm feeling down, I go to the comments on this. Seriously. I mean, they will never... They're gonna turn on me in a tricksy because we will have you... You will be sent away but you will be sent somewhere really nice. I'm gonna be... Oh, God. Oh my God, that's so scary. Really nice. You know, your daughter can visit once a month. 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That's Z-E-N-N-I dot com slash podcast promo code podcast 15. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay, so my massage therapist, who I've been seeing for 10 years. For the first 12, many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together? Whatever. And hope he takes me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated in my self care. And what's great is my massage therapist, his website that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available. So instead of me having to like harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider, his time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website. 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Go to ro.co.bald for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP one medications. Wait, so tell me about the crystal shell show. Yeah. Because when can I see it? You're not because of the joke in May. Yeah, it's because it's going to be May 7th and 8th. It's going to be the dynasty type writer. Okay, baby. Is this going to air by then? Okay, great. Tracy, please. Please, please, please. And then also May 12th at Largo. Okay, but it's tickets are sold out. No. Largo is like 14 people. What do you mean 14 people? Oh, is it? Does Largo have many spaces? It's like over 200 seats. Oh, okay. Oh, but all the venues are 200-seaters. Okay. But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats. No, I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had 14 seats. Right now. I was like Madison Square Garden, the Sofie Stadium, the Colosseum in Rome, the Champs-Élysées in Paris, France. I love it when you speak French. I love it. And then also Edinburgh, we're doing five shows in Edinburgh and one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater that's 1500 seats, which I think they're probably going to have to put some curtains up. No, they just put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked. Yes, they will. And I will make all their bodies go like this. And if they're not bricked, they'll be holding their castrated penises. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Where are their penises? I know. I know. I have a male form. So I did one of my secret shame little hobbies is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret, very secret. So... How many rhinestones? Covered, it's concrusted. They're quite beautiful. Now, when you're working out in the song, are you working out in front of a full length mirror? Of course. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah. But I mean, it's like, do I want to stare at it? Oh my God. I'm getting bricked. Just take it away. I'm working out. It's because I'm with the units on. I'm bricked. Oh my God. Oh, look at that. You're shivering and shining. And you're... Well, can I get you... How are you doing? Your clothes? Can I get you unbricked for a second? Yeah. I'm going to break you with the... Please, please, please. I had to... I took one of the thongs out of my back right of the day. I had a hand wash of shit stain out of it. How's that? How do you like that one? Because it was a white thong. I got a lot of questions. I mean, I didn't shit in it, but you know, there was a skid mark. Yeah, but something happened. It was a skid mark. It was a skid mark because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up. I gave up. Yeah, I do. I was like, what? I feel like TikTok queries. I know. I know. You need a bidet. Yeah. Okay. I do. I need a new home. Okay. We're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened? I have gotten some of it remodeled and it's just such... Oh my God, the people at home, they're going to just... They're biting down on pills right now to hear about this. No, it's just like an endless... It's an endless slog, but I just... It occurred to me this morning how... How... How did I get this? It occurred to me this morning how... How privileged and truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home, whether it's a yurt or a temporary guest house in Mrs. Roper's backyard or whatever, or who knows. But I wished I could say that when I went home, I was like, honey, I'm home. Or like, breathe outside and be like, I'm home. Never happens. Okay. Has it ever happened in your whole life? Yes. Oh, that's good to know. Okay. Yes, for sure. For sure. Yeah. I had a house, bought it for way too much money, sold it for not enough money. I mean, to talk about... You want to talk about real estate deals? You're bad at them. Oh, baby, bad doesn't even begin. Like, I am the worst. So, I would often come back to that place and be like, oh, okay. I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts. But like... Why'd you sell it? It's a complicated mixture of... It's a long story. I was just like, there were no sidewalks. And I was on drugs. So, I thought, last night, I was up at... I got out of bed at 3.30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house. It was a town... Oh, God, that's so scary. It's a town home or whatever you call it. But it's a bunty level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I could swear. There's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there. Oh, Jesus. So, maybe there's a rat. Yes. Maybe there's a pop-up. There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? There's several. Like, there's some mojo. Like, you can get a vibe. I have... The vibe is so thick and vicious. Yeah. I don't know. I've told the listeners so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer and this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess, the... She was a part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants, white tight, white t-shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool, very glamorous. And she's like, what? No champagne? No cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this? And then she had had a Catholic priest with her doing, literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought that there were evil spirits in there. Oh, jeez. Swinging incense. Yeah. I'm not joking. And did it feel better afterwards? Oh, I don't know. I was only in the pool. Oh, okay. But like, she was really, really concerned about it. Yeah. And I was like, damn. Yeah. That's pretty... Although that's, I feel like that's a level of... That's kind of like a... I just want you to find peace at home. I do too. You deserve it. You're a nice person. Well, thank you. But do you... This is my last time on the podcast. You have to be complimentary or else. Thank you. There's no time to talk. That was someone who does not believe it. Okay. So as your... So what is the most important part of a trilogy for you? I don't know. It's a... Do you enjoy trilogies? Yeah. It's amazing if they can all three fit together. Yeah. I guess the first one is the most fun because there's more questions unanswered. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come? Are you fucking kidding me? Okay. So it's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad. And yes. And I wear... I am the centaur. And my... Is this one where you do the Swan Lake? Yes. Okay. Because I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody. Okay. But I'm a centaur. Okay. And could you please explain to the... A centaur is half horse half woman? Yes. Or a man. C-E-N-T-A-U-R. Yes. Yeah. Anyways, that's the show. And then I have... And then I played with... There's like... It's kind of a musical. Uh-oh. Swat. I know. Watch out, Tonys. Oh! Oh! Egot. Egot. The songs are pretty good. I'm sure they're fucking great. But the whole thing is like... You know, I just... You can't control what the audience's experience is with it. Right? No, you can... Well, often you can. No, no. You know, they're going to take what they... Oh, I see. You can control it while they're in the seat, of course, with many different types of technology, but... Belts and shock collars and stuff. No phones. Yeah. But anyways... How many times have you done it? I'm four. Jesus! So it's fresh. Yeah, it's very fresh. And I'm only going to get to do it three more times. It's hard because... What? I know. Well, and then Ed and Brett, because John Roberts, who plays Linda on Bowesburgers and is an incredible singer... Julia's brother. Yes, Julia's brother. Yeah. They don't talk, but it's fine. It's amicable. You know. It's the whole thing. Jealousy. But he's... He lives in New York. So that's why we only get to do it a few times. And then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit. But anyways, I just wonder if you would like it or not. I wouldn't mean a lot to me. I am going to... Do you want me to comp you or like, what does it take? No, so I... Like, so here's... I mean, I'm doing this for free. So... Can you use some of that ad money? Yeah. Let's take a break. So I saw... I watched last night... Of course I'm going to fucking comp it. And second of all, I will pay my own money. Thank you. Because I just recently came into a very small, but modest, but still impactful windfall. You did? Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs and I didn't realize that they put my Venmo on the screen. I don't know what a wiggle gig is. A wiggle gig is when you grow out and wiggle. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, your tongue. All of it. I know. I'm trying to keep it together. I'm totally like give you hundreds of dollars. Well, that's what happened. Were you wearing your sequined thong? No, so sadly... With the shit stains on it? Oh, the shit stains is fine. Your secret. It's just that it's not a tuck. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been entrusted. So it's untuckable. Shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside. That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of Christ, lover of life. That's me. So, shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside. Maybe that's my crystal special. Oh my God. Oh God, not a crystal special. Do it. Yeah, yeah. So wait, so you're doing it. I'll stow back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah, they need our help. Yeah, you're struggling. I'm bleeding out on this one. Like it's really expensive. I mean, this is like JLo's, this is me dot dot dot now. You know, 20 million, self-finance. It really is. It's not like that, but it is a little, it does feel like a midlife crisis show for sure. Well, it's, I'm going to be there of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees, no discount. And just like, sorry in advance if you don't like it. Listen, I would never, the last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home. What was it? Well, I was 11 though. Oh Jesus, you like everything after that. So I don't trust your opinion at all. No, no, no, no, no. Then I, that was the biggest lesson I've learned to temper my expectations. What was it? Yeah, it was a Cirque du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10 and I became completely obsessed. Like, you know, it's like, I don't know, imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves on a different planet and then you found wolves. Yeah, yeah. That's how you felt. And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God, this, I came a little, anyways, they had another show in 1995. That was in 93. Two years of anticipation. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking, X-ing off days on the calendar for, for like nine months. Yeah. We went there. The first moment I was like, it's so small. It's so small. That's it. Yeah. That's it. I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like, like your new house, you know. No, but I cried on my home. It's a diabolical and I've since grown to love the show. I saw it five months ago. Sure. Anyways, yeah. Home. But so I, I, I, with movies and stuff, you know, I mean, I love, I, I can't remember the last time I went to the theater and like, was really like, I don't really go to the theater that much. But the chances of, the short, long story short, I don't know too late, the, the, or the chances of me not liking your show are so slim. That's true. You know, come on. We kind of get each other. Yeah. We're both Unix. We both have a non-infected copper too. That's why the song fits so good. Yeah. Not infected. Uninfected copper P-hose. Oh wait, wait. So I didn't finish the water. So say if your P clear, you must be clear, you know, clear, clear P equals health. Well, does your should have to be clear? Sure. Okay. I see where we're going. So urine, urine is a waste product and you're, so when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little, they would always love to spout these little pseudo scientific facts and aphorisms about, you know, enlightenment, whatever. And so like we're, we're, when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And I, something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. So I do a little research and there's really no scientific data, peer review data to, to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through a perspiration. It's purely temperature regulation. It's your skin. Well, yeah. It's that's like saying, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to release through my skin. Yeah. And like the kidney, I'm going to, I'm going to like twist my kidneys into, in the pump them up into action. You know why you guys are so sick. You're not twisting your organs. No, but that's, so that's, you know, you're joking. That's really what we were hearing. Oh, geez. Yeah. Rinsing the organs, like twisting the, the, the viscera in the, to like detoxify and through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell bullshit because what is actually in your sweat is you have water, a little bit of salt and a very, very, very, very trace amount of like chemicals, like Meg, I don't know. Like, what is it? Metal. Metal. Yeah. It's a little bit of metal. There's a little bit of copper zinc and a little bit of, but very, very trace, trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys detoxify your body and they don't need to sweat it out. No, they don't need to sweat it. They don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing. And also can be very invigorating and a nice fun little, whatever. But that kind of bullshit makes me, it burns me up. Yeah. Cause they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I did. 90 minutes. Okay. Not insane. That is insane. It's insane. Yeah. Go to a, go to a, a 9 a.m. 9 to 10 30. Yeah. 1130 to one. And then I go back from 730 to nine. Fucking free. Okay. So what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one? Drink, water and pee. No. No, it just, but so my, when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow. It's a waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all, this was all courtesy of a doctor. I followed online. OBGYN who is, she's really into debunking myths and like, and like, um, you know, because so much of the tick talk and whatever is like, people are watching 10 second clips of like, actually you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home. Just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean? And then, you know, everybody's got an opinion on both sides. Right. And all a lot of like weird, like, you know, we've, you know, we, I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter, Hey, and she turned out great. Like, you know, like, so, but I, I don't, I was, I, yeah, probably by too many breasts at three moms. Oh my God. Yeah. That's probably why you're so smart. Well, I had a, I was a huge baby. Yeah. Yeah. It took a lot. It was a 25 pounds baby. You were 25 pounds coming out. No, 25 pounds in the womb. Oh my God. And I was like, I think by the time I hit that table, I was like 30. Uh-huh. And then it was, okay. Imagine, that's really big. That is a big baby. Yeah. No, I was like, I was nine pounds and a couple ounces, which is still a big baby. Ruby was nine. My baby was nine and a half pounds. It's tough. They were like, do you want to have a natural birth or do you want to, is it okay if we cut her out? Yeah. And I was like, let's just cut her out. We'll chop you in half and just pull out. Yeah. That baby's big. Yeah. I had a, my child's best friend was 11 pounds. I've heard about an 11 pound baby. That's really big. Okay. Sorry. Back to the peak. All people want to hear. They're like, hang on the edge of their seat. This is your last episode. I feel like bouncing on their teeth. Like I just want to know about the P. So long story short. By the way, that's a good TV show. No shit. Have you been watching it? Oh no. I thought, oh, it's a real show. It's called long story short and it's on Netflix. I'm not involved in it in any way except for it's by the creator of bulljack course men. Okay. And it's, it follows a Jewish family, but they, and they time jump. Okay. I think it's really brilliant. Okay. Great. I'm looking for, is it a comedy? It's a comedy for adults. Okay. So they say, like, I did let Ruby watch the, they're like, ah, orgasm, ejaculate and stuff. And I'm like, let's fast forward. You know. Yeah. As far as she's concerned, everybody's a eunuch. So that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. She knows what penises are. Oh, yeah. I know. She's seen them and she's jealous that you get about the elegant street. So, okay. I have a point on that, which I completely forgot. You are just everywhere. We need to, we need to have a five hour podcast. No, we need to have a high yoga class. Yeah. I will never, I will never do that. I will never do that. And I will, and I applaud your decision to do that because, you know why, and we'll get back to P in a second. It is unnecessary. It just seems so uncomfortable. You have no, so I am the worst out of all the people in my life. The only person I know who sweats more than me is my dad. And every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class. Just a normal yoga. Normal yoga. Exactly. You can be doing yoga in the Arctic, in the tundra, in our booty shorts and we'll be sweating our asses off. Imagine, imagine a class filled with a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat. And I'm talking, I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch and a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall. Sure. Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six, four. Some people are. List all the sizes. Yeah. We got five, one. We got five, two. We got five, three. Now what are all these people doing? Sweating. Sweating and not just sweating. When they're, when we're, when we're bent over, the sweat is, is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool. It's stinky. It's, it's, it's more than, it doesn't even have the chance to get stinky. Yeah, exactly. It's just a fucking wet monster. A wall of. A wall of human, hot, wet, nasty. Yes. I had to change, I had to bring two thick beach towels to put over my mat because I had to change towels mid-class. Right. Because you were going to do two more classes later. No, no. For the, for one class. Oh Jesus. Do you have any of the laundry I racked up? Do we know that? I mean. Crazy. So. So. But did you look good? I enjoyed it. I mean. Yeah. Obviously. Yeah. And then I got trained to teach it. And then I realized. You got, you trained to be a hot yoga instructor. No, no. Just a yoga. Just to. Just a yoga. Oh, you could teach yoga to me. I could. I could. I could. Good reasonably and illegally charge you for a yoga class. Today. But get this though. You have to wear that thumb. No. Yes. I paid you money. But that's what I will not fall into the trap because every yoga guru turns out to be a. Raper. Oh. A great. Sorry. Graper. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, it's. Will you be the first. I'd be the first. To not be. I'd be the first non-graping crystal thong wearing. Yes. Gay guru. You know, I was just like, I'm not teaching me and your thong was just like catching the lights is a prism that I would take my mind away from how boring yoga was. I went going to, I'm going to counter your suggestion and suggest that we swap the Lululemon and the allo or wherever the fuck you saw all the fancy neoprene athleisure stuff. We do all crystal accessories like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal, whatever is for the, for the students. Okay. I have another question. Sharp. Great question. Yeah. Um, it is. So if we're, we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting, it's not going to be the most comfortable. And it, because these stones are glass. Yeah. If you fall, say you, you're rolling and one happens to break it is a, it is a dangerous opportunity. We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequence. We could do sequence. Little ones with like some foam around each one. Or we could do a metallic, um, very reflective kind of like stretchy nylon. That's been done. I think you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're like broaching new fashion here. So maybe it's like you protect your own inner thighs. That's not my problem. Hmm. That is your problem. If you're going to go, you know, public, it's all underground. Okay. So, so my P is yellow. Okay. And I am not ashamed of that. Yeah. Cause I drink when I'm thirsty. Okay. And that's how often are you thirsty? Um, right now. Hmm. Yeah. To your last podcast ever. Oh, thank God. Yeah. I shared enough. Yeah. One is good. Two is great. Three is enough. Um, I, uh, so, so you're excited. I mean, so are you, the ongoing projects though, like Louise Belcher, is that still, is that old hat still going? It's still awesome. Do you still love it? I still love it. I mean, voice work, it's going to be amazing. You wear, what do you wear? Do you dress up like tuxedo pants and everything? Um, yeah. Tuxedo pants and everything. Everything else. I have my closet and a layer. You know, the, I have a lot of really, I like clothes a lot and, um, I collect them. I would say that would be what I collect is clothes. And, and when I get excited, cause I, cause when I think of a new clothing item, I imagine myself in the future wearing it and I'm having a great time in my fantasy. And then, and, and, um, I need to start, um, having fantasies of me and my old clothes though. No, no, no, that's okay. They'll be, that will happen naturally. Yeah. That will happen naturally. I, I, I really relate and I have, um, part of like, I was, this is one of the questions I was thinking about on the way here. I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff. I think hobbies are important. And it's, I think it's like, if you like Trixie, for example, most of her hobbies, she's ingeniously found a way to monetize, which is incredible. You know, So are they hobbies anymore? No, I would, I would argue that they're not. Um, but they're also, they're not, they're not. Because they've become enmeshed in her professional persona, whatever, and she makes money from them. I think that's not a hobby. You spend money on a hobby. Yeah. You spend money on a hobby. Like my show, the Legend of Crystal Shell. No, no, no, no. You're going to, that's going to, I mean, that's going to get you out of debt. It's got to be. I mean, because I'm going to buy the whole theater. Um, oh, you know, I like to draw. Okay. And, um, and, um, I like to draw. And, and I think writing is a hobby too for me since I don't get paid for that, but I'd like to. Oh boy, would I like to. I went to Ister. So I have, I make clothes. You do not. I do. And I, did I wear, Are you wearing anything? Everything is very well tailored on me. These are skips. Oh, whoops. Yeah, it's laundry day, laundry day. But you know what, I know, I know. He's got two different, It's not a different bear. It sucks. It's not an affectation. Kind of an olive green, it's gray and then a black sock. Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? The diabolical. You know what it kind of kind of goes with the, with the, you know, what do they call that? Um, with a plaid. No, you know, when you get your hair, uh, it's so me and you, where you get your hair kind of like goes from one color. It's got an ombre. I feel like it's an ombre situation. And I got so many game gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road. If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say like, what's your favorite movie? Say the mirror by Tarkovsky. Okay. And I was like sure fire away to be like, Oh wow, you're cool. You're cool, man. Really cool. Um, I just, sorry about that. But I got, so the point is the precious moments and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you because I got, I got a cover stitch. So I love sewing costumes, stage wear, but I'm branching out. I'm just keeping off all my clothes. Do not stop talking. So I got a cover. I like your tattoos. Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time. You do? No, no, no. But so see this stitch right here. This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, um, let's say, right. Yeah. That's the cover stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most like, Fold it and double stitch it. So like a knit, like I, sewing as a hobby. Oh my God. So fascinating because you will never be great at it. Like no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, one, one, one, one, one, one will never be great. Like you, it's a, it's a, it's such a, it's such a broad like, um, uh, there's so many like different elements to it. And there are, you know, people who are, who devote their entire lives to like a certain fabric, do you know what I mean? Like like lace appliques or embroidery or whatever. So it's like something that is really, really daunting, but you will, it's always challenging and it'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a serger, which means I could make a T-shirt like this. Oh wow. And I'm talking, I'm talking like for real though. No, I know. What about screen printing? That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawer and I do have access to puppy paint. Yeah, I drew this one. Oh yeah. Nice. Yeah. She's scary. That's good. Yeah. It is very scary. Have to have it on you, I guess. But, uh, so that, so basically it's coming on Friday. I can't fucking wait. Oh, cause you know, too, with T-shirts, they're my favorite garment, but it's the material. Like if, like I'll go to a show, I always want to buy a T-shirt at shows and then the material is rough and I never wear them. Yeah. Or what you could do is like, what is it? Your favorite band is that playing at the, you know, the garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is at XL. You're like, God damn it. Yeah. You fucking bring that XL blouse over to me. I'm going to bring it to cut. And I'm going to slice it and dice it and surge it and cover stitch it to fit your tiny, like tiny sexualized, over sexualized by Hollywood body. Well, so the sewing, my mom is a sewer and it's, you know, it's hard to find. It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like we have to go, she lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only, um, store that will fix her sewing machine. And you know what I mean? Like I'm sure in LA it's a little bit. Well, it's a little bit better, but not since all this drama with, um, with, with ice and everything in it because the downtown area has been a very different story. And, um, like I have, there have been people that friends of mine, have I known who are not heard from in a minute and not saying that whatever, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you. So it's like, you know, it's, it's, it's like, it's a whole different thing. But yeah, there's, there's a ton of, um, there's a guy, Carlos, who, um, I had an industrial sir, um, the hard thing about sewing is that the gear gets really expensive. It's like photography. Yeah. I could never afford photography in high school because the lab fees were so expensive. So expensive. I mean, in college, I mean, it's shocking how, because I remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever. And I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards. Oh, like what? Oh, the fabric. Don't even get me started. I'm talking about this machines. I bought, I went to mood fabrics, which is like, I think they're made famous by Project runway. Of course. I mean, we're going to mood. I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there. Yeah. Mood is when I walk into mood, I got to do double panties for the brickness because it's like, it's I, and I always end up making the most horrible choices. I think when they were two chaperones, yeah, you need a friend. Yeah. Because I either buy something and something so dazzling, but the wrong color or whatever. I bought a four yards of trim at $150 a yard. Oh my God. That is very trim. That's like, that's just trim. Yikes. Gorgeous. For what are you putting? I don't know. That's the problem. There's no vision. Would it go on like, would it go on pillows? Like this. Oh no, no, no. This is for costume stagewear. Oh, so trimming like sleeves, like cowboys. So I'm, so I'm in, I'm in an area, I'm in an era of my life. I'm starting to make it all about me on your last episode. I feel like I'm talking too much. You know what? You are the star. I've only got this show. The Legend of Crystal Shell, which has, I've been told is highly entertaining, but maybe not very deep by my high school friend. Very not deep? Well, it might not be deep enough for some people. Maybe they lack the bandwidth to, to, to plunge the depths that it requires. I will, the show is my agent said, we watched Mike Berbiglia's show and she's like, I need you to do something like this, you know, and I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response and it is actually very autobiographical. Hopefully through. Do you love doing it? You've done it four times. I've done it four times. I love it. Wait, I, but yes, I love it. I love it. Come, come, come. And this is serious. Can you zoom in a little bit? Like, yeah, that's you talk to that one. You're like, there's one person. No, no, no, no, we'll do it in post. We'll do it in post. Okay. So that's your, and just like, please, for the price of about 15 lattes, you and a friend can also, who also buy 15 lattes could attend one of the most, not one of the most, surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal, often imitated, often tried to duplicate it, but she's inimitable and indubable. And it is her swan song, her last show, her last project. Yeah. God, you might be right. No, no. So you have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a unit. Oh, by the way, great work. Wait, tell the dates again. Tell the dates again. May 7th and 8th at dynasty typewriter and May 12th at Largo. And you can think about it as a birthday present for me because my birthday's on the first. So a lot of people. Happy birthday. Thank you. Do you want to hear the birthday song? My husband and I made up to sing. Five, six, seven, eight birthday boy, birthday fun birthday. You can also say girl birthday girl, birthday fun birthday girl. You're number one. Happy birthday. Love you. It's interchangeable. I love that. Just cut that out. Oh, gross. God, the flap sweat. Speaking of a lot of flap sweat yoga. Well, funny you should say that I taught my first and only class I taught was the co-taught with a girl. Guess what it was called? Flap sweat. Queer yoga. Now what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay? Right. Nobody asked. Nobody answered. But they showed up. They showed up. A few people did. It was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time. Total disaster. What won't be a disaster is your show. Thank you. Can we just, because Tracy is like kicking me off the show. There's security guards at the door. We have a Lincoln town car. It's not an SUV. I'm so sorry. But they have your condition. You said you're in a new era. And then I interrupted or something. And I want to know what with the fringe of the material from mood you're in a new era sewing wise. Please we have to. So I got this the most incredible. I'm going to show it to you because this is the inspiration. Although this will, you know, when that whole that stupid meme of like when I ordered it and then when it actually came. Yes. Like from, from, from Gucci, from Amazon, you know, that kind of thing. My friend just calling me the, the, the inspo. This is what I'm trying to do. So these jewels, they see that, see that gorgeous, like glittery, like sheer mesh thing. Look at that. Look at that. See, another way that problem with that is that she has this jeweled underwire bra that are, that are propping up her large breasts. Right. So it's a bigger structure. And she's got large breasts in a tiny waist and a very live body, which you could have all those things. Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I bought, I went to mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that look spent about $900. That's nothing. That's nothing. It's literally nothing at mood. They're probably mad at you. It was probably, it was probably more than that. But it was like, but yeah. So, and I get it in the, but I get it in blush, like a champagne blush. No, no, no. That's going to make me look fat as a house. It's not going to pop. You know, it's just going to like, it's going to blend with your skin tone. No shit. It's like, what do you think? What happened? I was in the, I did the blush look good on the shelf at least fabulous on the shelf. What it's going to look like me is trash. I should have got a green. Like this, like this. No, no, it's going to, it's like, um, no, no, no, it's like a champagne, like a champagne. It's like, it's almost like, like a tan. No, I got a tan. Stop screw. You got beige. No, it's a champagne. Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless with a bit of beige. It's like a rosé, a blush, a rose. It's like a sparkling wine. It's like a little orange. The point is it's not slimming. It's, it's going to, it's going to offer no contrast. It's going to be, it's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. It was a big mistake. Huge. Can you return? Absolutely not. All sales are finals. And this is a silly question, but can you die it? In any way? My roommate who, or my, my studio mate who just called me, he, his answer would be like, of course you can. No, he thinks you could die anything. Right. No, absolutely not. Could you put, okay, last question. Could you put like- I could trade. Cause is it a little bit translucent at all? Oh, well it's a mesh. Right. So the color under. Yeah, but then now we're adding bulk to an already- But you need that structure. Well, right, but I've already got an under structure. This is, I know- Well, you could dye the under structure. They're biting the pills in the car right now. I know they are, we've lost them. We lost them so long ago though, I don't even care. Yeah, it's like, oh, fuck yourself. This is for us. This is the last carot. I'll never see Katya again. But it's gonna be a challenge. Like Tim goes, dishonors, I don't even know how he talks, I haven't seen the show. You haven't seen the show? No. Oh, it's so fun. I'm sure it is. I saw it when I was younger, I was like there for the first season. Well, the point is my cover stitch machine and- Just kidding. I won. Three dynasties. But- But- Bullreg! So what I'm gonna do when I come to see your show, at the Dynasty Typewriter and at the Netflix as a Joke thing. No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo. At Largo, but for the Netflix as a joke? It's quite a Netflix as a joke, by the way. Oh, but that thing is like some amorphous- They care more about South Rogan's show, don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no. Oh wait, can I share some personal triumph? Of course. I know we're going along, I don't care. The- Oh, Ruby, Ruby's sitting in the school office, go on. Oh my God, that's making it a bit of your child. Okay, okay, okay, we gotta go. I forgot too! Okay, okay, okay. Alright, babies, fuh! Okay, go get your eight-year-old, but one thing, one last thing. We're playing a show at the Will-Turn, Bald and Beautiful Live at the Will-Turn. And, but just recently at the Will-Turn, that woman I just showed you, that's a singer from Russia or from Ukraine. I saw her live recently, great, lovely, kinda. Is she a fan of you? I don't think so. I did a parody of her song, that I think she doesn't think is that fun, but I'm not sure about that. But her publicist did give me free tickets, so. That sounds- Yeah. But I, so I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Verka Serdychka with a, this, she looks very, very quickly, I swear I won't keep you. She looks so insane. So- Can I lift up your sleeve? Please. Oh God, your tattoos are really fun. They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. You have the stitch now. So that's her. Oh, I like that. I like that hat. Yeah, so she was in the movie Spy. Okay. She had a cameo in the movie Spy. Oh, I like that move. She pursues- Yeah, and when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out and she's a man in a fat suit with like an aunt, she plays an auntie character, a full band, plugged in. I mean saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like, or the band was probably 15 people with including dancers and just like, it was nonstop, high energy, 40, like a 90 minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring that during the encore halfway through, I had to make my way to the back because I had a headache. I was so like geeked and gooned. So I would just say- That's your Cirque d'Olais now. Yes, exactly. So I was, you know, it defied expectations and I know that's what your show is going to do. Good, good, wow, wow, you tied it up, no pretty. So please go visit Kristen Schall at, Crystal Schall, how do you, wait, was it? It's the legend of Crystal Schall. She got kentishly admits. There's no website for it. We'll have all the details and this will come out soon. But you can get, you can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram. There you go. As soon as I show in someday, I'm gonna take Instagram and I'm gonna let on fire because I'm so done with social media. Oh, you and me both. I only have another Instagram that I look at football butts and that's about it. That's great. But do you notice that it's like taking over your brain? Like a real parasite. Are you kidding me? I mean, I'm scared. Are you kidding me? It's like, what's wrong with this? It's like, oh wait, let me text back, let me text back the, Oh, yeah. Hold on, I just need to, Oh, where's, where's? I just need to, yeah, I just need to remove this note from a patient's, you know, esophagus. It's crazy. It's crazy. People on the street. On the street in the bathroom? People crossing the street. During sex, gay sex. Are you kidding me right now? That's a whole nother can of worms, which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. But thank you so much for being here. Sorry, but they, if you were doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex. Jail, yeah. Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolle book, The Power of Now. Yeah, beautiful. Goodbye everybody. It's been nice. Thank you. This is the Avengers Endgame. This is our Lord of the Rings. Well, I don't understand why I can't come back someday. Oh, but we'd have to do a reboot. Oh, and Hollywood loves that. Because Trixie hates me. It's like only when Trixie's gone. Well, we'll have to do, she'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I'm done. Thank you so much guys. Thank you. Bye.