#746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBan, come to you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony, get a red Tony, let's go! Who's the ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? You! Brian and RedBan ladies with red eyes! And how long more time for the best standband in all the land, Raul Galehofer and Andocustio Carlos, so some Michael Gonzalez, Matt Meele and John D's and that is D Madness. On the bass guitar, this is Killtony brought to you by Blutsu and Quo. You guys are ready for a great night? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Here we go, this is it. Every single week I have two of the best guests on Planet Earth, two of the best comedians, ladies, gentlemen, this is a special one. Both returning guests, one of them, a returning guest of the year, a multi-layer guest of the year, Hall of Famer, with another one of my favorite comedy store comics of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, you're here for a special episode. This is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards! Adam Ray! Live in the flesh! Ian Edwards, let's go! It's all happening people! Ian Edwards, new special untitled, is now on YouTube. Under Ian Edwards stand up, you must check it out. Ian is a legend, comedy store super regular, and I mean him and I have been doing the thing goddamn forever. The old, the old, and the new book, well, the old bookers of the comedy store used to have us side by side all the time, 10, 15, 10, 30, 10, 45, 11, 9, 45, 10. So we are brothers in this, welcome back Ian. Make sure you check out his version. Applause, applause, applause. What can I say? This guy reminds me of Dr. Phil. He reminds me of Elaine. He reminds me of Jeremy. He reminds me of me. Of me. They got it. Is the Hall of Famer, guest of the year, Adam Ray. Absolute royalty around these parts. Indeed. Perhaps unarguably, one of the greatest guests of all time. Love the show. Thanks for the intro. Got in today, shaved Red Band's back an hour before the show, and just fired up to be here, man. What a night. It is going down. Who is me, theater tour? I'm going to raise first giant theater tour, January through April. Get tickets at AdamRaycomedy.com. And the final ever, they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times, the last ever Dr. Phil live is happening. December 16th. That's a real way to do it. You're like Floyd Mayweather, Jr. You're like, this is my last fight. Yeah. You're going to have to give it. It's like that McRibs. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be putting on that fucking bald cap for the rest of your life. I'm probably going to die. The other should be the last one for a bit, until you call Kong. Until what? Until you come, Kong. We'll do one more. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Why about one more time for Adam Ray and Adam Ray? Two of the best guests to ever do it. And so they know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show. You know how it works. Their time is up here. The sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood. Hell, yes. How exciting. I'm going to let this gentleman with a drawn-on hairline. I didn't want to say anything. Hell, yeah. This guy's got a sharpie of a haircut. Welcome, sir. He looks dangerous. He looks like he has a stabable weapon in his pocket. It's going to be fun. While we go, we're angle that first bucket pool. We have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner, Martin Phillips, everybody. And like that, the show has begun. This is Kale Tony. Brought to you by Bluetooth and Quote. What's up? Okay, cool. I was sitting there. I was sitting there. They get us. I went to the field play poker. Everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car and say, and go, don't look. Nobody looked. Time out. Oh, hey, come on. Give me. And they get us. I brought my own gun to the roulette table. I really, really beat it to me 21. Okay. When I used to work in middle school, I would get a lot of advice from middle school girls. And one of them told me she said, if you like someone, you should find out where they live. And let them know. And I said, Martha, I'm not doing that again. I can't go back. Martin Phillips. Getting us started with a bet. Is that true, Martin? Do you play poker sometimes? No, I saw. No. Well, you went today and you get us at the idea of what the fuck I was doing. I was just feeling jibs now. And I was like, yeah, let's see what happened. They don't have rules on the table. Okay, aim is for done people. Okay. Ian Edwards, thank you. I would love to play poker with you. I don't even play, but this would be the first time I win. Beginners look. Have you played a Crap's before? Of course, baby. I knew the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that. Hell yeah. Killin' it. What's your favorite game in Vegas? What do you tend to do when you're there? Slots. Oh, yeah. What's that supposed to mean? Martins. Is that true? What is the middle school thing? Yeah, there's me every day. You and I asked me, oh, no, it's for the loves to. You have a girlfriend and I was always like, shut the fuck up. That's not in your business, do you? I get this. Her boyfriend, she said, shout it, boyfriend. But he went to different school. Yeah, I was like, bitch, I heard that before. You made that shit up. So how's your current love life going? You're a big superstar now. I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk. I have a very distinct figure. It's hard to hide. You have a lot of fan girls coming up to you. I don't know. I have to do that. Nothing crazy. It's never the ones you want. It's always like that. You know, it's always like that. Can you describe what those look like? Just for that. I think you can about it. You can. No. Okay, okay. I didn't say that. Come on. But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right? Yeah, I was once in a blue. You know, I'm a low-key baby. Okay. I have a keypad. Keep it on the dial, dude. I know why. Why are you starting that up there? You know, it's chill. That's what. I love it. Where do you get a shirt like that from? Where exactly do you get a shirt from? If I stare at that, I know. Yeah, bring out the shirt. If I stare at that long enough, will I see a sailboat or something? Like, what exactly is going on there? It's cool. It's got principle on a safari vibes. But it's nice. It fits. It's a culture. We're literally, though. I genuinely know where I do. Every few months, I do this thing called a stitch fix, where they send me clothes. And I have my own style list. They send me clothes. I go through and I go, oh, this is nice. Oh, lady. And that's my secret. You're doing a commercial for Stitch Fix. Yeah, I, I, I. Promoco, keep it on the dial. Haha. A lot. People have been asking for you to do me. Oh, yeah. Or are you talking out, say it? People want me to fuck. Wait, what do you mean by that? I got to read the comments. That's so different. You read it in between the lines. Wow. Okay. Well, if I am going to go gay, we'll be with a cripple. That was my house, school yearbook quote. Wow. Sick. Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Mark? Yeah. Thank you guys. Yeah. I'm thinking. I'm thinking, okay, I want to think. I'm thinking, I'll allow. It's the noise when he's processing. He's like, he's like old internet dial-off. Uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, beep. You said you didn't do impressions. Come on, that's the only one I do. I know how to do, old things. See, somebody just did you. Yeah. Oh. What else is going on, Martin? I don't know. I'm always always somewhere traveling. I'm all over at the place, consuming your nearest app. Oh, yeah. I'm checking out. You're a superstar. I guess. You know, I did. I would have the house is going to work. But I've been sent multiple videos by people. You ate sand at multiple theaters by people. Why would you eat sand at theaters by people? You knew what I said. No, I don't. I really don't. Can you repeat it? I don't have that. I get set. Yes. Multiple videos from people. And sometimes it's like another cripple guy that looks like me. But sometimes I get this, this has been sent more than once. It's like frequency healing, where you have like a frequency thing. And if you put it to me, I'd shake all the way out. And so I bought you. Oh, my god. Oh, shit. I can't. It's time for the frequency thing in Martin Phillips. He can't get it out of the bag. And so we hit this, huh? It's barely put it to me. You know, we take everything out. And I am, you know, super, super mad. Can we do it? Let's do it. Let's heal me. Let's heal Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with the right vibration, anything is possible. Here goes Adam Ray, our very always active panelists. It's not going to give it to us, right? Yeah. And Edward. Just before, let's call the bases. I don't want all of us leaving here. I don't want you. You don't know where the frequency waves are going to go. I have no idea how it works, but I've seen that way. OK, hold on. Say, put it up to the microphone. Put it up to the microphone, Adam. Here we go. Oh, he looks calm. What, he stopped shaking. Whoa. Oh. Ha, ha, ha. Oh. Wow. It's a working. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God, you seem still. Right. Really? No more eating sand outside of theaters for you. OK, do it and then dodge me with it. Yeah. I thought you'd never ask. Oh, no. Oh, no. Ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. You feel better? I think, kind of. This is quite the science experiment. This is great. I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode. Oh, God. That's a good start. It's a good start. Oh, keep doing it. Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it or else, it might get damaged or something. You have to keep that tuner in top shape. Yeah. It's dirty and poor, too. How's everybody feel? Yeah. Tal, normal. All right. How do you feel? I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight. You're like the most handsome, cerebral palsy person. You bet, oh, man. He really is. He really is. I've never asked a handicapped person for their skin regimen before. A natural baby. Oh, it's all genetics. I don't know. I don't know if we've ever... It went both ways, but I got the skin part. I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glasses off for a while? It's a little way. Oh, a little disclaimer in coming here. I was gonna say these are new glasses. Oh. These are my liberal cut glasses. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow. Wow. My god. Unbelieveable. Again, bitches. Oh, wow. Martin, you've done it again. You got the show started for us. It's not easy opening this show, and you did it yet again. One of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting, is we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane. Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy, waiting to be discovered. Some people sign up once they get up. Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck. Anything can happen. You're watching it all live. Your first bucket pool of the night is John Cheney with an uninterrupted minute. John Cheney, here we go. In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman, what I was in the military. I said, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Can't get any closer inside of them. That didn't pay off, and I wrecked so much. Let's see, what else we want to talk about tonight. I'm nervous to tell you, I did bet on this last time a few years ago. I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but let's just put it this way. My ex, she was a crossbreed of dogs. She'd be a mix of a dox and a pitbull. Nobody. Nobody. A weener pit. Nobody. Nobody got that. Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them. When my oldest was four, a long time ago, he's in college now. But for Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber. Because what's scarier knocking on your door? I was 15th Spider-Man of the evening, or a four-year-old pack of standing kid in a man dress and a suicide vest. Then instead of saying trigger treats, yelling, I love snack bar. I love snack bar there at the end from John Shaney. Good punchline. You have three kids, John. Yes, I do. And it appears to be the triplets on the way as well. At least. I love it. You were on the show a few years ago, you said? Yeah. And it didn't go good. Well, the interview went well. Okay. What did we talk about in the interview? Your Pakistani ex-wife? No, not really. I would look a little bit, but. Are you still with her? No. Okay. That didn't last long. How long did that last? 12 years. 12 painful years. Okay. But now we talked about me seeing an unfortunate guy, fuck a goat. That was the highlight of it. Saw a guy, fuck a goat. Yeah, and I wrecked. Yeah. Oh, okay. The bad guy. Well, the bad guy's, fuck, it wasn't an American soldier. No. Right. I hope not. Yeah. That'd be weird. So what's been going on since then, John? How old are you? I am 43. How long you been doing stand up? This is like my fourth or fifth time? Fourth or fifth time ever on stage. Yeah. And you were on years ago? A few years ago. Yeah. I was living in Northwestern and seeing the middle of nowhere. I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I could move here. Okay. I'm going to be a commissioner, move my daughter with me. Okay. May it happen in Mochir this past Saturday. Congratulations. Look at you, John Cheney. Oh. Move to Austin. All right, John. Hell yeah, Ian. I think you're funny. You're just nervous and shit. You're shaking more than the first guest. Yeah. It is true. It is true. That's bad. That's bad. You were very nervous, right? Very nervous, yeah. You watched the show regularly? Yes. Like if you watched the show with David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David Davis, David place. Just got put in there by the court. Wait, what is Lincoln? That was that was like a shopping mall, but no, no, no, there's rehabilitation center for kids teens. Why were you put there? The courts put me there. They put you in a rehabilitation center of teens. Yes. So when you were a teen, this happened. Yeah, I was 17. Okay. I was a wrong. All right. Mike, what have you done in the last few years, John? You've had time to, well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center. That would be fun. I bet it would be you creep asoid. Look at this, guys. Kill them kids. Are you sure you weren't the guy who fucked the goat? Not that night. Not that night. You said you're 43, right? Yes. I'm 43. Okay. You look like my dad. Yeah. What? Two trips to Iraq will do that, you know? Yeah, for sure. Okay. So yeah, just life is weathered, weathered down. Yeah, three kids, bad marriage, yeah. Dude, enough sex. Yeah, just throw you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You're like Bert Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine. That checks out. Definitely. That was funny. You look like you look like you look like Bert of all of his potatoes were fully loaded. All right. John, what are you doing for work nowadays? We're tired, military. Tired military and tell us what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero. And by that, I mean the sandwich. Not right here. It's boring most of the time. Yeah, the most. It's not action, action every day. So what exactly did you do in the military? I was artillery. Okay. You ever shoot anybody? Well, I mean, we shoot bad people. It's artillery. Kind of shooting the general direction and trying to take out. Trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole. What'd you do, Miss Motherfucker? Shot at people. I fucking sucked. We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot. We just shoot that general direction. Were you shaking like this when you was shooting? Sometimes I wanted to work, took this long. You may be. I was, and we talked about it last time I was a drill sergeant also. Oh, okay. I wasn't always like this. I look like I ate myself. It's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself, John. Are your kids big too? Normal? Not at all. Healthy kids. Very, very much so. All straight-ass students, nerds, it's weird. I don't know where they're going. What's so, are they, did they seem Pakistani? My oldest does. The other two not so much. My daughter, Tans, really well, though. Wow. Oh, all right. So they're fit. You see, everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that. They're 50, 50 you and Pakistanis. So that makes them snack packs. Am I correct? Sure. All right, John. Well, fun times. Welcome back. You're getting there. You got a little joke book last time I'm guessing, right? Oh, big. You got a big one? Yep. Well, this time you're, this time you're getting a medium one. I was in the giving mode last time, John. John Cheney. Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country over soon. Can't even catch her. Many years ago. Oh, OK. There he goes. How about a hand for John Cheney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these people sign up for a year straight. They don't get on. Oh, my God. There she is. The lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen. Her show, Love on the Line, is at Heidi Regina dot com. Your second bucket pool is ready. This looks like a new name. Let's see if it is. Make some noise from Michael Hines. Everyone, we're going to meet Michael all together. I want to be the strong silent type, like John Wayne. But I'm really more of a fat gay clown, like John Wayne Gacy. I'm polyamorous. Just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else. LAUGHTER The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and Ola. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl. LAUGHTER My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't. Unless it's mine, because I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet. So you know, same as every guy. LAUGHTER Do you guys know why Jesus isn't such good shape? Is the original cross-fitter? LAUGHTER A lot of quick jokes. There you go. Michael Hines. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back, Michael. Thank you very much. How did that feel compared to last time? Last time went pretty well, too, Tony. You're doing good, Michael. Thank you. Hell yeah. Remind us how long you've been on stand-up. Just over two and a half years. Two and a half years. What do you do for work? I'm a realtor's assistant, open houses and stuff. Wow. Put on a nice shirt. OK, Adam Ray. You look like you're going to shoot up a best pro shop. Yeah, it does. That is exactly what he looks like. So I think I have a concussion right now. Why had you get a concussion? On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony. On frontage road, I got rear-ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour. Whoa, I also got rear-ended by a guy today. LAUGHTER Um, OK. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Take a guess, Tony. No, I'm going to let you just say it. Welcome back to America's Most Racist Games Show. Yeah, I am. Take a guess, Tony. Yeah. No way. I just ask the great questions. And that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist. Hey, man, that's not my fault. Anything that's on black guy, he's not doing a good job. I'm going to ask you again. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you, Michael? The world, the ones to know. He was white. I'm staying out of this one. He was, no. Michael, answer the fucking question, you idiot. He was Mexican, Tony. There you go. We know this. No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian, too. OK. Let me ask you this. You wouldn't have run. OK. Did he? Wow. Wow. Where's Martin's fucking tranquilizer thing? Hurry up. Did he run? He rear-ended you and then took off? Well, he apologized first, and then he got out of that. He got out of his car, apologized. He pulled his window down. I got out of my car. And he said, my bad bro, and with that of that. Wow. Daniel, was your car damaged? Fuck yeah, it's damaged. He was going 50 miles an hour. How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50. Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit and the speed limit's 40. Gas, god damn. Yeah, Ned words. I think the guy's here. He just didn't want to miss Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah, he may have signed up well. We're going to find out later. He's going to be like, yeah, we're ending a guy had to get here. It's been a crazy day. I rear-ended some bitch ass nerd before I got here. Interesting. Interesting. What? What kind of car was he driving? Red Band wants to know. Some silver shitty 19, 1990 something. I don't know. I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you? I don't know. You just rainman guest the miles per hour three times. I think you have some idea. Fair enough. You jokes are really funny. Thank you. Yeah, very funny, Michael. What else is going on in life? Tell us more about your private personal life. We want to know. You know, I've just been trying to lose weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat pig right now. Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking... Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony. OK, Michael. How have you been trying to lose weight? Just working out and stuff. But my knees are pretty sharp from the Marine Corps. So I used to run and do hard shit. But now I'm a big pussy and my knees hurt. You were in the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. Some of all these fat veterans coming into that. Jesus Christ. Did you fuck a goat? A goat? No. I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad. He's doing it. Michael, times. Tell us about your time in the military. What'd you do over there? Thank you for your service. Oh, yeah. It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp, the pandemic happened. So I ended up spending... I went on to my next training schools. There was a six-week water survival school. And I was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down. Because the command was bunch of gay liberals. They hated Rhonda Santas. So they were like, if you leave the base, you're going to get sick. And we just weren't allowed to train for 14. We did a lot of cleaning, running the beach. It was kind of nice. But a big waste of time. Wow. Is that how you hurt your knees? Yeah. Log runs and crawling up hills and other bullshit that we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of fuck me up. Well, we were too tired. I did kind of fuck me up. Well, we were trying to get you guys drunk, but you kept eating all the gushers. Show Biden. That's right. This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the pool, too. Running on the sandy beaches of Florida. What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here. What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real fucking creep. I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so I'd more of a one and done kind of deal. Okay. And they're not that good looking either, so I'm not bragging. Right. It's just what it is. Welcome to another episode of The Girls I Hook Up With aren't good looking. Starring everyone. So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at? At a show at the Norbar comedy? Wow. Okay. So what exactly happened? She came up to you after you're set? Oh, yeah. She was a, you know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes. She probably could have, she probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking? She was a beautiful Latina Tony down by the border. Uh-huh. And I raw-dogged her. Okay. It was pretty cool. Wow. Oh. Where did this take place at? You took her back to your place? Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates. And then so what happens? You walk her in. What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home. What's it like getting raw-dogged by Michael Hines? Here. I'm getting, I'm getting worried that the world wants to know. Can I be the girl? Yeah. Alright, so let's set the scene. I'm the girl. Give me some romantic music, guys. Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess, apartment. Is that what you call it? Yes, I do. What? Yes, I do call it an apartment. Oh. Remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm gonna fuck you because you don't want to fart? I do remember saying that. By the way, by the way, you crushed at the Narbar comedy show. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm gonna finish that burger and then I'm gonna plow you. Okay, but don't record me like you did the whole Uber right over here. Well, you gave me your consent on camera so we're good on with that, you know? Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill. Which was my plan B that I dropped, so it's on me. Perfect, yeah. Which swear do you want to go? By the way, do you have a bedroom or just this futon? Uh, well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor. What a weird way to say you have a bed. The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall. Oh, my God. I didn't know there was a goonies too. Where the fuck did you get that? You must mean business. Oh, yeah. He tries to distract her from the goonies' two poster. Girl, let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a bitch. Wait, whoa, whoa. I don't like that type of language unless you're fucking me. Actually, you do. Oh, okay. Am I practical jokers right now? So you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike? A hill country farm diet root beer. Wow. Someone's trying to lose 10 pounds. Ooh, that's just my favorite type of hill crest soda. It's a guilty pleasure. You're a guilty pleasure. Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms? No. I don't like that. I need that by the poster next to the goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything. So I guess I'll take my pants off? You better. Whoa. Put in a loving, ineffectionate way after consent. Very good. Cover your bases. Good job, Michael. Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape. Yeah. You're going to have to get on top and do most of this to be honest, because a lot of me's in really bad shape. I hope my food plot doesn't bother you. I'm going to lick that food plot girl, bring it over here. Wow. All right. This is out of control. This party's crazy. I don't know how. What do you say after you finish? Thank you. Wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines. Only on Netflix can you see something like Michael Hines raw dogging a Latina fan from Narbar. Do you mind if I have black friend watches? Girl, I thought we both knew he was. I left halfway through. It's the worst point I ever heard in my life. So did you ever spend the night or did she leave that night? I ubered her out of their tonic. Wow. Michael. Uber X. No, I don't know. I can't afford that. The cheapest one. That is Uber. It sucks. Very good. I guess so. You gave her a lift. Yeah, I got her out of their tonic. It was over. All right, Michael. You got a big joke book last time you run? Yes, sir. You still have it? I do. But it's so full. Is it really full? It's full. All right. Then you get a new one. There you go. Wow. Still not a hot joke book tonight. How exciting is that? Good job, dude. Thank you, Charles. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Big Stew, everybody. It's time for a minute from Big Stew. Oh, shit. What did do comedy mother shit? My name is Big Stew. I've been used as this dualingo app, right? I've been trying to communicate better with my coworkers. I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're going to sound like a fucking door. And they're not going to tell you either it's going to be like all, eh, come on, stop. Who's that is. And they're just going to be like, be in. But in parentheses, they're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit. But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on dualingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Tuesday, you know? My name's Big Stew. What did do? Hell yeah. Filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed. Big stew. Is this your first time on the show? I did this show in 2019. Okay. Wow. So how long you been on standup total? A total? Oh, man, maybe a year and a half. Well, that was six years ago. So how could you be doing? I'd be doing all of them to, if you add them all together, because I would do it for a couple of months, quit for a couple of years. Why do you quit for a couple of years every couple of months? It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Is that where you still live? No, I moved here a while ago. How long is a while ago? Two, almost two years? Almost. Two years ago. So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019 and you moved here two years ago, because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half. I mean, altogether, like this. You keep saying altogether, but. I mean, if you, I did it for a couple of months in 2015, a couple of months in 2019, and I have been going consistent since March of this year. Okay. All right. Why do you think you lose motivation so often, big still? By the way, you have big in your name and you're the smallest guy that's been on this show tonight, just to let you know. Well, I was like 40 pounds heavier in January. Okay. How'd you lose the weight? The last four comedians want to know. Ander Edban. Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise. Have you tried Hill Country Diet root beer? No, I haven't. No, I will. So big stew. What got you motivated? What gets you motivated? You're clearly easily unmotivated. How do you stay motivated? Move to Austin. That helped. Other than that. Other than that. Now that you're here. Sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit. Okay, big still. What do you do for a living? Right now I work at a place called Build a Sign. What is the? I make flags in tablecloths. Oh, okay. What kind of flags do you mean? A lot of trans flags. Mostly a lot of businesses, people, you know, for their business. Have you made a trans flag? I've made a few. Look at that. See? They make flags over there. Looking this whole time. Yeah, I've been looking for one. I can't find one anywhere. Okay, big stew. Give us some fun facts about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? I can kick myself on the head. Oh, absolutely. Put the mic in the mic stand. We definitely need to see this. It's starting to all make sense, ladies and gentlemen. That is how you end up on Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It counts. That is not how I expected that to go. That was a true sidekick to the head, to the direct to the forehead. I kind of thought your foot was going to go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just sidekick yourself. I think we could all do that, by the way, just know numbers would ever come. How many? You want to see Red Band try that right now? Yeah, come on, Red Band. You can do it. Red Band. He's here. To make kill Tony history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own dick. Oh, you just had. Coming about three and a half feet away from his head on the first ride. The physical limitations are incredible. and sorry, barely. I was like, oh, we're in, oh, we're in, oh, we're in, oh. He's like, I could do that. I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cord. That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive and just flailing to the bottom. Oh my God, are your belly hurts now? Oh my God. He pulled my belly button ladies and gentlemen. Not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stu is over here. Thank you. Guys, been kicking himself in this? How long you been kicking yourself in the head for Big Stu? We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this. As long as I can remember. Wow. Like the family has you doing. Hey, Big Stu, show him your trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow, that's a big thing in Tulso, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that. Yeah, yeah. What's the biggest crowd you've done that for? This one? Yeah. Yeah, before that, how about this? Bro, you know what? I'm not going to make you think that hard about it. What do you, did I ask you what you do for work? Yeah, yeah, I make flags and that's right. You make flags. What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make? In which you're like, God, damn, we really have to do this? Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about ketamine. Ha-ha! Very good. Very quick on those Mario. You got that Mario board figured out. You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he'd quit comedy to manage a little Caesars. Yeah. It is true. Yeah. You ever get that like, who do you get like with the beard and stuff? You have like a 90s movie character look, right? You don't get that? Like you worked at a video store or something? No, I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know a lot of that. Yeah. Porn? Porn? Yeah. What's your love life like? I gotta know, you seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something. Okay. I'm not dating anybody, but back home, it's also I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me sane. Ooh, we have few reliable booty calls. So like the last booty call you had, like can you walk us through that? What's that like? What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stu? Hey, big. Hey, whoa. All right. There's a crickets for no reason. No, it's a frog. Okay. There's a frog in your house. Go ahead, Big Stu. Just a hotel, a little bit of tequila. Wow. That's all. Why do you get a hotel? Take us through the pop process of getting a hotel. You didn't like your place in Tulsa? Not up the kind of place. No, I mean, I, I mean, it's whenever I go back to Tulsa, I get a hotel for the hookers. For the hookers, yeah. So you hook up with hookers? No, no hookers. Okay. How about here in Austin? Have you hooked up with a girl in Austin since you got here in March? Okay, so like where'd you find that girl at? I was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy. So kind of where were you a door guy at? I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside. This is all here on Sixth Street. So how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess, you did a show at Narbar. And the thick Latina comes up to you, because clearly she will fuck anything. Yeah. No, I had seen her around a few times, and then one of my off days I had cocaine and I asked her if she wanted something. Only if you kick yourself into head. Yeah. Was it a thick Latina? No. Oh, there's a white girl. Black. Whoa, I would not have expected that big stew. You look like a racist. No, no, quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. Is that your style, that's your flavor? I do like black. What do you love about black? What do you prefer? Why do you prefer black women over whites? Take us through it. Take us through the process. It tastes like honey. Ooh, damn. All right, look at that. We'll be right black. Yeah. Yeah. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis? The black women tastes like honey. It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women. But the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stoop. But yeah, so you like black women? I do. Is it because you're like a redhead, and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind? No, no, I'm not just saying. Redheads like me, too. Redheads like you, too? Yeah. How often do you even see a redhead? I don't know. Every once a week. Wow. Amazing. I know they be out here like that. So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine and then what happens? And then we went upstairs to my apartment. You went upstairs? So she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building. Well, yeah, it's six streets. Oh, you live on six streets. The apartment is on six streets across the street. Was it one of the homeless women? No. And so you take her up to your place? Let's reenact it. Adam Ray is now a black woman. Yeah. Big stew. Big stew. Mm. Mm. That's the right lighting here, Keena. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. I don't know big stew is going to. I don't know big stew is going to have such a big room. She acknowledges the unfreamed poster on the wall. Oh shit, Jurassic Park 9. I thought they were meant for them motherfuckers. You got some cocaine, big stew? I do, yeah. I know you do. That's all. Yeah. I saw you hiding that shit in your shoe and not Bob. I got you. Yeah. Well, bust it out, pray, let's do it. Let me do Bob Ball for your Teddy. Ooh. Say what? Bob Ball for your Teddy. Bob Ball for my Teddy. Yeah. All right, let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off. All right. Yeah. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Where's Teddy you want to know? I had a surgery so the left one spawned and the right one. Which one you pointing at, Sue? One on the top all the other side. Be definitive motherfucking. This side. Huh? This is the one on this side. It's a roommate. I'm leaving. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That's fine. That's fine. We a mother fucker standing in my titties. All right, big stew. Go ahead and do that, bum, baby. Look, you can stay right there. Shit. I said, all right, fuck it. Fuck it. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, shit. I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there. Yeah. There was no need for you to nod on my actual titties. But now that we're here, you want to turn those last time big stews, maybe show me something bigger than just your name? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you. Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine. Oh, shit. I thought you laughed. Nah. It's out of the stick around. Why are you here? You might go make me a sandwich. That's awesome bread and meat on the... Next to the kitchen. All right, I got you. Thanks, baby. Big stew, what do you say after you finish with a black woman? Why are you still here? Wow. Unbelievable. Man, that post nut clarity kicks in hard for big stew. And did she spend the night or did you get her a car? I passed out drunk and when she woke up, she was gone. Wow. Amazing. You nailed it, big stew. Good job. You check her house to make sure everything was there still? Does he look like he got something to steal? There's nothing worth stealing. Huh. Yeah, exactly. All I walked out with was a gang boi and some worthers original. De Madness is going to find that woman right now. Man, this guy could get pussy. Now I can definitely fuck this bitch too. All right, big stew. All right, here's a medium-sized jokebook. Good job. There you go. We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's going to do a minute. A good friend of the show from the comedy store, one of our old pals just swinging into town. So we're giving him a minute. And we love him. It's a good friend of ours. For many years, a friend of everyone. And a cool comedian, ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody. I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of him because I found a woman. And I could tell she really wasn't a heroine kind of gal. She was classy. Growing up though, my parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction, just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. Because my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd, who would take it forever. Just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd. And there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat the same way, OK? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately. Anybody else? Take the whole thing out and meet him? That rolled up to a little ball. Yeah, rolled up to a little ball. Parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction because of my fruit by the foot. I would take the whole thing out. I'd rolled up a little ball. I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down. But I would inject it in my last remaining good vein. I was 10, anybody else? Thank you. Taylor Boss. Hell yeah, melting down your fruit roll. Welcome, Taylor. How's life going? Great. Tony, thank you very much. I've been out here for almost a week. It's been having fun. Tell us about it. What can someone expect their first week? Lot of walking, a lot of eating, ate too much. I almost terry blacked in my pants. Yeah. A lot of eating. Yes. We do that around here, right, Red Band? Ha, ha, ha. Da. Red Band's recovering from a torn belly button. It's fucking hurts. It doesn't really hurt. Yeah, I really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling shit, because we're getting old. I really did pull this. Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, before, when we used to know Taylor in LA, you weren't really doing comedy much. Not at the time. No. I mean, I've been doing it for a while. I've been doing it for like 17 years. But in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures. Yes. He is one of the great painters. You can recognize his art all over. Right, Chris Rogers. Rogan Studio. And you've seen it in the background of Rogan Studio and other places. What else is going on, Taylor? Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you. About 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will. Nice. Yeah. Why? I was using my room as my studio. And I was accidentally huffing paint 20 hours a day. I was having grandiose thoughts. I was telling people that I'm God. And in fact, Tony, I'm not God. Oh, I know. Because I am God. No, I'm kidding. I've been huffing sharpies for 12 and a half. Anyway, what was the mental hospital like, Taylor? I was a little bit weird. They put you in with the craziest person just to kind of like scary a little bit. See how bad you want it. And after I started scaring the shit out of that guy, they put me into actually the first activity was a dictionary. And I don't know if anybody here has ever played mental hospital dictionary before. Not a lot of participation. It's just me and this guy Peter. I just met him. Don't get me wrong. I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half. He's memorized all the dictionary cards. So we put on a show nobody in that room will ever forget. It's crazy. Then they had us do karaoke. And then I tried to escape. I only made it to the parking lot. Then they put me back at a room. And this time my room did not have any windows in it. Yeah, but I was in there for about a month. Yeah, did they give you medication? They did. How did that make you feel? Terrible. I got off of it. But I got out. I kept a journal so I didn't kill myself. There you go. Look at that. Thank you. Yeah, something clapping. Not killing myself. Or journaling. Thanks, man. Adam Ray. Taylor Salarius, known you for a while, he's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it. Once in her most of the 20th in San Diego, ripped it. What's really cool is, and I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through, shows like this or anywhere is just how much he's been grinding. And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones and to somebody and he crushed it both times. It was awesome. So yeah, hilarious. And you're hilarious just now. So you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah. And I'm just like the second that this more of a fucker's funny as shit. When I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage. And I also own some of his art. He does, he own a couple of pieces of my hair. And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die so the value of it would go up. Yeah, the value. Skyrocks when they die. But I like him alive. I'll take the law. It's so hard. Tell people so they can find your work. Where can they find your art? Just on Instagram, Taylor Boss, 1S. B-O-S. Correct. That is right. Taylor, you had a great set. Find times. Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen. Love you, bud. Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot somehow. I was just handed this. You got it. Go melt it down. Eat it out of a spoon. There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art. He is unbelievable. All right, back to the bucket. We go, this looks like a fun new name. Make some noise for Mohammed You All. Mohammed You All is next on Kill Tony. Lord and Savior, Joe Rogan. You got a trouble for saying, I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with them saying, if you can exit the Earth's atmosphere, you can say, if you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere, you can say, you're nigger. You're nigger, sphere. Nobody cares. I've been kissing, sleeping homeless people on the forehead. It's my way of giving back guys, next time, next time you see a sleeping, kind of go ahead, I want to know how this ends. Next time you see a sleeping homeless person, tuck them in. Mohammed You All, making his Kill Tony debut. I mean, wow, I got to tell you, we are going to be bleeping those anwers. YouTube has a rule. We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube. We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times, even a black person can say the N word and I asked, what if they're really black? Like, what if they're darker than pure black? Can they say the N word and they said, no, you have to bleep it and somehow, and I know because you are that guy, that we are going to have to bleep four times. So if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N word. And it has proven Ann Edwards who looks like milk chocolate compared to it. This is like watching. Fifty shades of black over here. This is the first time I've ever been light skinned. And I appreciate it. He's white to me. Oh, I know. It is incredible. Even demonness is like, hey, that's what I see. You're the only guy demonness has ever seen before. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck? That's my guy, the motherfucker. I had to come back outside. I could see that shit. Muhammad, tell us what life is like being quite that shade. I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and fucking automatically? Like, what's the situation here, exactly? Call me the outline of a talk black dude. That's incredibly racist. No, I don't know, bro. OK. Welcome. How long have you been to withstand it, Muhammad? 10 years. 10 years. Where are at? Iowa and Austin. Iowa, wow, you must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy shit. Is that where you're born and raised? I was born in when Sudan was whole Sudan. So Khartoum Sudan, now it's south and north. OK. How old were you when you moved to America? 10, 10 years old. OK, 10 years old. All right, 10, 10. Perfect. And what was it like acclimating in Iowa? That was the first place you moved to. I didn't come out, I moved here in December 2004. And I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, shit. Terrified in the snow. Yeah. Well, like a, yep. Ian? He's coming from war torrents to then. I was like, fuck this snow. I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time. I can't even imagine. So, Muhammad, what do you do for work? I work at Target. You work at Target? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What do you do at Target, exactly? I do, you know those sampling cards? Yeah. Yeah, I do samples at Target. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here. Oh, yeah. Big sample guy. You are? What, what are you pushing on the people? It could be anything that you can buy at Target, basically. Right. What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for? Why do you have to say bananas like that? Why'd you say that? Yeah, why did that's racist? Yeah, Adam over here. Hey, what are people going ape shit about now it is? I knew I should have done a character. I can't trust myself. Listen, listen. No, you know what I meant? Bonkers. Crazy. What do they go? What do they, what do they, what do they, what do they, what do you bring out and people, you know, what was the food that, that, uh, uh, uh, last week I had, uh, fucking, uh, peppermint chocolate. Yeah. Okay. What's your love life like, Muhammad? It's terrible. Tell us about that. That doesn't seem to make any sense. You're a handsome guy. Well, uh, I moved out here to do comedy and I had a girlfriend in Iowa. Uh, and then that was over with. So you miss her? Yeah, I do, I do miss her. And how long have you been in Austin? Two years, two years. Have you talked to her at all? No, no. No. Is she sad when you left? Yeah, I was supposed to get married. She was, yeah, really. Tell us about that. Like you proposed. I didn't propose, but, uh, I was, was it arranged? No, well, my mom does, she has, my mom has a couple, uh, girls arranged for me, but, uh, no, the girl, the girl that I liked, she, uh, she did stand up. She did stand up? Yeah. I don't know. Wow, you really just don't, even, right? Is she Sudanese? You'd be shocked about the dance or you'd shock you. Oh, he's a girl. She's a white woman. Wow. Oh, that is correct. Over under, over under 170 pounds. Under under 170 pounds. Under 170 pounds. Now I'm actually shocked. That's amazing. Ooh. And you, have you been with anyone in Austin? No, no, no, I haven't, I haven't, uh, a CD. Oh, what is it? Genital wards. Wow. Amazing. Tell us about that. Do you remember when you got that? I caught it in Cairo, Egypt, in a balcony. Wow. Let's go to a clip. Yeah. All right. Don't have it. Where, where in Cairo, did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genital? I was 10 years old. She was 16. Wait, you were 10? Yeah. Oh my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old? I don't know. It just felt right? Yeah, it felt right. You're like, I'm going to put this there. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. That's crazy. Wow. So do you just have those all the time? Is that a thing that just stays? You have it your whole life. You can't get rid of it. But you can get rid of the symptoms. But it always stays with you. Just an SCD class. No, this is great. We find out what's different about everybody here. This is amazing. Did you bring this up during the target interview? This feels like a pretty personal. No, no. No, yeah. Wow. So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time. Yeah, basically. Yeah. All right. Did a couple or just one big, gross one? It's a good question. Red Band wants an actual description. There's three. The big three. Like, wort remover owner. You try to do any home TikTok remedies for it? Red Band, that's enough. Put down the microphone. Again, what were you doing in Cairo exactly? I'm kind of confused here. So in 2004, the Sudanese government was they were killing a lot of people. Just randomly, or was there a specific reason or type of people? It was in South Sudan where they had resources where the government would hire rebels to go to remote villages and kill the population and get the resources. And my mom wanted to get the fuck out of there. What were the resources? Like blood diamonds or something? Is that right? That's very funny, guys. No, I'm genuinely curious. That's very funny. What is that? I'm just oil. Oh, OK. Yeah. All right. So my mom decided to get the fuck out of there. And we seek refuge through the United Nations that a refugee program where if you're in a war-torn area, they'll rescue you and take you to better places. So she applied. And then we moved to Cairo, Egypt. I lived there for four years. Then I came here. Right. Amazing. And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world, Iowa. That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right? Yes, yes. Whole different situation. All white people around you, basically. I mean, I lived around white people my whole life. Yeah. Egypt. Oh, they have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt just to fun. Oh, OK. All right. General Soes meet General Wards. That's how that goes. You see that's a Chinese General Wardshoek. Figure that one out. General Say. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I love it. Muhammad, do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy? Double-jointed. Ooh. Can you show us a trick? Wow. Oh, my God. The exorcist. Anyway, I could do that. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, I would. No, do not. Oh, man, I pulled my shoulder blades. Muhammad, I like your style. Congratulations. Thank you for signing up. Come back again. Let's do it again. Wow. There he is. Muhammad, you all, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's only been on for a few weeks. I think he is the future and the present. This is a brand new minute from the great, Dead Trick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, man. What? What? God, I love this shit. Honestly, I said Texas, I owe y'all apology. I was shitting on y'all wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. Because I'm from Atlanta. I don't have the time. You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people. And then I was on the, as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga, y'all got great sunsets. Y'all, this is the most booming city in the world, right? And this is, ask me my favorite comedian. Tony Henscliff. Tony Henscliff, I'm my fucking favorite comedian. I love being out here now. I just needed to, because the problem was, I was on the bus most of the time. So I never got to see the beauty. Because they, y'all put the homeless on the bus. And I know where they stop at. And it's nearer I live. But the beautiful, because what, this was what happened. One day I was walking up here. The first time I wanted to sign up, me and my friends was walking. And he asked all of my friends for money. And then when he got to me, he was like, keep your head up. But now that I got killed, Tony regular, when I'm riding my girlfriend, carcass, I got that much money in. We would stop over here and do what to go clean the window. And then when she tried to give her money, he said, nah, you got something good on your hands. All right, he gonna be so, but thank y'all so much. I'm Daddy Flint. Fuck yeah, that's your Flint. Ha ha ha ha. I love it. Is that truly you rode the bus in Austin? Yeah, all the time. I didn't even know that was a thing. I guess I kind of really... Not real buses, but you got a walk. Like where I got a walk is like a two mile walk around the inner state. And then you get on the bus. Like there's no like real bus lines like nowhere anywhere. They don't really go through downtown. I don't really ever see them. It's, well, that's because you got money, Tony. Ha ha ha. I see them all the time. I'm like, oh, there's the A to 1. I was on there. What? Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses, very often. So come up on your camera. Ha ha ha ha. I love it. Dedrick, how's life going? You're episode came out. You're officially Kultoni Famous. Tell us how your life has changed. Yes! Yes! Dude, everything's changed. You know how like when you get a new haircut, and you got a... You got Aaron's, you know what I'm saying? Like Nick has got to say I'm cute. Like that's how I feel right now. I got new shoes and shit. My shit popping. I've been taking longer shit than public. I guess Nick has got a city. She sometimes only taking shit. I just put the lid down, and then I screamed. So that way when he come outside, he like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now. That's amazing. That's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes. That's the time I just slapped my foot in they stall. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That was you? Yeah, it is. It's just as hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do a recognizing. I was going to ask you what you got in front of me. That is awesome. Other than new shoes, what else? You're financially secure now for the first time in a long time. Yeah, man. This shit is crazy. My phone on. I don't need to Wi-Fi no more. Shit, it's like, I actually, I get to go home this week to do killers of Killtoni at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is what I'm dreaming of. Right. Dasco, I just get to go home. I don't even know how I feel all the way yet, because I haven't been home. I haven't seen my mom. I haven't seen my brothers. I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen all of my friends that have been there since day one. All I know is the phone calls, but I haven't got the hugs from it. So I'm probably going to come back and fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight. I love it. I love it. I love seeing that. This is beautiful, man. How does it feel to be Robbable? Yeah. You've been fiora chiming in, I don't know. We got a different frame. You bald. You look like five cigarettes put together or black in my eyes. I'm not very robbable. The home is only looking me in the eyes. They give me respect off rib. They know I got a gun. Tony knew I got a gun. He said I could bring it in now in my regular. It's true. All regular is a lot of guns. That's why William has four attached to them at all. I love it. Dead, jerk, jerk, jerk. Adam Ray. Yeah. It was really moving the moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you. What did you do after that, I guess? How do you ride that high? Man, I had so many people. Because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call. So my phone was like blowing up. And then after I got the regular, I ran out of here with Jay Legend, bags and boxes of Jay Legend, you're seeing it. Because he was going crazy when I got called. So we're crying walking back to the Shakespeare's, and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs. I got my fucking regular bitch. And in the old crowd, we're crazy. And it was fucking sick as fuck. And then I've just been, I don't know, like in a, I'm not even in the driver's seat right now. Everything's happening that I wanted to happen. All I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams. All right. Follow your fucking dream. Never doubt about it. He's huge. No, you're right. Because not even, it must have been four years ago, I saw you on the street, and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your sleep bag. So now to be here, no, it's a callback. But no, I don't want to take away from your stomach. You're exactly right, dude. You said 39 times until you got called up, right? Yeah, 39 times. That's wild, dude. It is what's possible. You went from 39 times signing up to not, with nothing, to getting on, to opening for Joe Rogan two days later, to doing the Fox Theatre three weeks later. And he's going to be in the arena. Yes, open for Ron White. Going to be at the arena here on New Year's Eve. Come on! You got to get ready to be ready, right? Huh? So you get ready to be ready. Yeah, that's it. He's been ready. He is hilarious. We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible. Find him, follow him. Ladies and gentlemen, Dejrick Flynn. The dark storm of Atlanta has arrived. And on to the next one, we go, I got to tell you, this name looks amazing. And I hope it is anything like what it seems to be. No doubt, the first time for this bucket pool, let's see if the carpet's matched the drapes with this one. Make some noise. First, Stevie One Lake Wonder. Stevie One Lake Wonder. Okay, indeed. It is Stevie One Lake Wonder. Hey, Austin. I did a 23 in me the other day. I found out I'm Chinese. Yeah, I'm from China. Yeah. Oh. Hold it up to your mouth. My bad. I didn't realize. Oh, no, no, there's a lot of my trying to thought. I was outside last Monday. I signed up. And I was looking at the homeless, the homeless guy in the street. He had a vacuum cleaner. And he was running back and forth on the line. And I was just like, wow. Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It's super awesome. What do you guys call black guy that flies a plane? Call him a pilot, you fucking racist. That's all I was prepared for. There you go, Stevie One Lake Wonder. Welcome to the show, Stevie. How are you? Uh, nervous. You're good. You're doing just fine, Stevie. Uh, how long you been on standup? Uh, this is my first time. I just moved Austin two weeks ago. Your first time ever doing standup. First time. Wow. How old are you? 40 years old. 40. And what made you want to start now? Um, I wanted to start since I was 13. And, uh, I went and fucked around at 16 and had. Kids and more kids until I was 21. Got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself. So how are the kids? 18, 20 and 22. Wow, you did it. You raised three grown kids. That's amazing. No felonies. All drivers licenses. No felonies. All drivers licenses. Maze. Lane records. Amazing. So, uh, okay. Let's jump right into it. Shall we or not jump if you're you? Uh, how did you lose the legs, Stevie? Uh, which story do you want to hear? Like if you're not taking the candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy That's right, Ben. How old were you when that happened? That was almost four years ago. Oh, OK. So that was recent. Yes. To take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by? Fun facts about having one leg. You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes. Uh-huh. You get a leg up on the competition. Yeah. You put your best foot forward. Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold that. Yeah. I mean, it's good to have one leg. Yeah, Ian Edwards. I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head? You don't even know. You don't even know. You don't even know. He could beat himself in the head with that fucking thing. Oh, my God. Wow. What are the odds? And he didn't tear his belly button. Cheater. Absolutely incredible. Wow. I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely very excited when he did that. Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it. Did you unscrew part of it to... No, I just got to tickle my knee and then it works amazing. You just tickle it with this button right here. Wow. Whoa. I just got this. This is a new leg. It was, uh... I think it's about four or five weeks old. Wow. Little baby leg. Sure. Conversion. Where'd it come from? Uh, the store. Is there a leg store? Where do you get a new leg from? Amazon or what do we... Evergreen prosthetics in North Carolina? Bob and wasn't giving out leg samples? A target? No. Um... All right. Stevie, what do you do for fun? Um, you know, I don't... I don't know. Since, uh, since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much, but, uh... What did you use to do for fun? Uh, everything, dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats. Uh, can't bin, all kinds of stuff. You could still do those things, right? You just haven't tried? Yeah, but I got whiteboy money, so I don't have boats no more. What do you mean whiteboy money? I'm broke. Is that whiteboy thing that you mixed it up for? Yeah. My bad. Okay. So, um, you still with the baby mama? No, absolutely not. Uh, I was married for seven years, and out of that we were together too. Wow. And then, uh, did, uh, what the divorce cost you an arm and a leg? Uh, just a leg. I was really good at negotiating. Amazing. Uh... Okay. Um, so what's dating like? Um, here and there? Uh-huh. Um, I get around. Do. Sometimes I get in my wheelchair, it goes faster. You have a wheelchair? No, I got rid of it before I moved here. Right. Yeah. Okay. But how long have you lived here? Um, Thursday will be two weeks. Got it. Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet? Nope. Okay, Ian? It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him. Yeah. He is. Demand's doing his scoffing thing. Back it going. Damn, that's cold. Yeah. Four years ago, shit. Are there any specs on that leg? Like, when you ordered it, like, can it do? Like, you did the thing. Well, I mean, yes and no, it's more of the accessories that I can put below the knee versus, versus, uh, anything else. I can put the running leg on here. It's just like a big spring. It looks like, looks like blade runner, you know, like, but I don't run. If there's a bear, I guess I'll fight it. Well, there's no bears here and us. So where were you up before this? Um, Raleigh, North Carolina. Right. How's Austin different than Raleigh? Tell us about it. It's got a cleaner downtown. Yeah. I was actually surprised. I watched the show a lot. And I've seen all the comments of the homeless population down here. And I was thinking Denver, you know, like Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there. It's true. And people talk about the homeless population. It's really, it's two or three blocks of homeless people. Yeah, but a few shelters, right? They're all cool, you know? Yeah. They just wander around circles and... There's a lot of liberals here in Austin. I can tell you lean to the right. How does it, uh... All right. Uh, I fucked up. You said you've been here two weeks? Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet? Uh, I don't know. The plane's been canceled. Well, Stevie, keep... Yep, Adam, go ahead. I just want to ask you a... You said your kids like, know you do comedy? Are they like supportive or they like... Well, my youngest daughter was supposed to move out. And that's why I decided to move to Austin. And she didn't, because some shit happened. But I asked her to come with me tonight. And she's like, I don't want to. So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah. She said, Dad, I'm 18. I don't want to... I don't want to go hang out in a bar, watch drunk people get drunk. So... That makes sense. All right, I'm gonna take a sip. That checks out. She's not wrong. Let's respect a boy answer. For my daughter, thanks. Stevie, uh, congratulations. I'm gonna give you a big joke, book, buddy. I like your style. This is amazing. Fill it up, work it out. First time, I move. You're living your dreams. Stevie, one leg wonder, has made his debut here on Killtony. Come back, sign up again. Break a leg. Don't do memes. What does that mean, Red Band? Yeah, they can't. What do you mean? It's a big joke. Oh. Oh, look what it is. The very controversial. Paulie, sure. Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro? I'm so sorry. We don't need to hug. We don't need to... We really... We don't... Okay, all right. If you insist, there he is. Paulie Short. Coming up a very... a very polarizing episode of Killtony with Roseanne Barr. I thought we'd ban... And when... Somehow, he was the wild one. I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience. Very different. Yeah. And I just... I was not... Thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was, but I was going through a lot of... Going through a lot of stuff. And I've been taking some meds. And I said that I got banned when... Whoa! Don't fuck... Look who it is! The silver goat of Killtony Universe Brian Holtsman is arrived. No, let me finish my apologies so I can get accepted back here with the Killtony Camp You Cogsucker. Please, Paulie, let Brian talk for a second. Let's see what Holtsman has to say. I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his mind during that. And I'm sorry about this. I turned around. I had to use the bathroom and... He ran up here. I mean, I just want to say I lied. I lied. And I never got banned from his show. And I was just saying that because I was... Fuck, you know, I was not meds, but I'm okay now, so. Okay, Paulie. Thank you. I love you guys. I apologize. There. He's in good hands. His new caretaker, Brian Holtsman. Wow. What a moment. A double character cameo by the great. How about one more time for Paulie's show and Brian Holtsman? Brian. Brian. Brian. You have any... Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Paulie, don't do anything. Just, just, just, just be part of this set, Paulie. No, Paulie. Paulie is going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place. And they kind of want to... His family wants me to keep an eye on him, you know? And... And... I hate everybody too. So, I just got back from New Orleans and... My asshole is still sore. And we had a good time and everybody's happy about that. And I'm happy about that. And everybody's excited about that. And I wasn't expected to be up here. So I don't have any canned anything to say. But I will tell you this. A lot of retards at the airport. I tell you that. I mean, you're in the airport. Can anybody get on this plane without help? Is there anybody to get on the fucking plane without help? Family's traveling with children at the next time. Get on the plane. You retarded family of Paul. There's no steps on the jet. Wait, just get on the fucking plane. We're here. It should be a separate airline for retards and handicapped people who are kicking on the fucking plane. Retarded air. Pain a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know. This plane goes down. Nobody cares. You mean we can get rid of this van with the work bench on the back? You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house? The front of the house is a skateboard park. Why would you put the ramp in front of the house? You want to let me know you got to. Somebody not doing well in the house. Put the ramp in the back of the house. I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back. Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest ever in the Kiltzone universe. About one more time for Paulie Shore and Brian Holtzman, everybody. What a crazy world we have around here. We're Paulie and Holtzman just come stumbling in. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. Who knows the next Paulie Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull. Anything can happen. Make some noises. A minute uninterrupted for Owen Gallivan, everybody. Owen Gallivan. I'm a first generation American, you guys. Both of my parents are from Ireland. But my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland. With like 40 people on it. Didn't really dawn on me till I visited their last summer. That just makes me in bread as fuck. Who were they having sex with? No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors. I just have ancestors. Since I've come to this realization though I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being in bread. That's been fun. I'm like, dude, you're lucky. I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now. That's my time. Thank you. Owen Gallivan. This is your first time on the show, right Owen? No, I've been on a few times. Oh, okay. When was the last time a year ago? A while ago. Was that a crazy rapid fire bucket pull episode? No interview, yeah. Oh, okay. Were we found Martin Phillips? Are I being Aaron Belial? What was that? No, I don't know. It was here. It was bad. Perfect. Gotcha. Owen, so you had a rough set last time. Not great. Okay. Well, welcome back. It seems to be getting better for you, Owen. Congratulations. You've been working hard at this? I have. How long have you been on standup? About six years. Six years. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. Ooh, what kind of engineer? Mechanical by degree, but right now I work as an industrial engineer. You making good money? Pretty good. You live by yourself? I do. Nice. Yeah, one bedroom. Hell yeah. What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us? Right now I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday. So right now it's kind of full. Got a bunch of chicken broccoli health right now and made yesterday. Ooh. Not too bad. And some lamb chops, some thinking about making maybe tomorrow. Wow, you're going to broil those? How are you going to prepare the lamb? Are you going to bake the lamb chops? If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to look up on YouTube, had a cook them and just do what YouTube tells me. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. Oh, and what's your love life like? Uh, you know, it's a relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year. We broke up a couple of months ago. And since then, no real dates. Why did you break up a couple of months ago? I broke up with her. She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it and I figured. Break it off now. When you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing? Um, just a feeling, it was just a feeling thing. You know what I mean? Couldn't feel it like deep down. You know what I'm saying? Hmm. Hmm. All right. She didn't feel related to you. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Amazing. Oh, and what do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumb ass cricket noise and that got vulgar. Let's hear the cricket noise. Red band. I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise. So when you hit the sound effect, that's insane. A lot of pressure here. Here he goes with his cricket noise. No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. That was a quick joke. I choked. I choked. Can't do it. Try it. Try it as hard as I can. You have any other one more time. Okay, here we go with his cricket noise. Can't do it. It is. Trust me, it is good what I'm not in front of 200 people, staring at me. It's all right. Okay. All right, Owen. I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time. Yeah. All right. Okay, you're leaving with a medium. Very black. Awesome. Jokebook. It's a medium black. There he goes. Thank you, Bob. Owen Gallivan. We're going to keep a move in here. Some of these people that really struggle with the interview part of the show. It's very interesting. Stuff, right? It is tough. Tough words then you think to just talk about yourself. For some, yeah. For some, yeah. Yeah. I really try to help these people. Yeah. You ask questions. I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. You still haven't found out there? All right. Make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria. Sebastian. Santa Maria. Yo, yo. How's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So, I believe it will this is happening. I'm not sure if it will happen. I'm not sure if it will happen. So, lately, I've been having some crazy urges. I guess everybody has urges. Mine have been at night. Honestly, I'm going to jerk off or not. Whatever I jerk off, man, I have terrible fucking dreams. I think about, you know, like, well, I dream about getting stabbed and bleeding out. His track is a part man. He's stabbing me. He's absolutely horrible. And then if I don't jerk off, it's just you know, I have epic dreams. I'm like smashing Fiona. It's awesome. Dude. It's awesome. And I'm not talking about the skinny bitch. I'm talking about, you know, like, green hot swampy pool is feeling a hood. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah. You know you like that shit, though. So, you know, and I wake up at three in the morning. I'm absolutely freaked out. And what do I do? I jerk off. Terrible idea. Because guess what happens, dude? I'm back with Shrek, and he knows that I just smash his fiancee or his wife, depending on what movie. Jesus Christ almighty, Sebastian Santa Maria. What the fuck was that? Oh God, man. Holy shit, Sebastian. Don't do that to me, man. How long have you been on standup? I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past six to eight months. I don't really have a handle or anything like that. You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what? A handle. Like IG. I thought you made like a handle of the craft. Yeah, I handle of the craft. I think on that second turn of the night, dude, I'm going to have a good handle of Shrek, you know? Yeah. I always love a good. It's one of my favorite things. I think I even did it too, starting out in comedy. Every new comic does it when they do a joke. And it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go and they go, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Like this guy into your Shrek swamp pussy joke. And he was like, I do know. I'm sorry. I don't, but I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself. Yeah. I can see what sex is when I see it, man. Yeah, yeah. Sebastian. Yes, sir. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. Wow. What made you want to start standup now? Dude, why not, man? I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore. So I figured, you know, I have to get a rush somehow. And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed, Tony. Why not, dude? Why not? Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this. It's not like the house has better odds than you or anything. Everyone wants you to do good. So it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out, it opened mics and stuff. Yeah. OK. Do you have any other special skills? What have you been good at in your life, your 26? You're a good looking guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you. All right, answer the question, Jesus. Just fell in love after that. Good, guys, guys don't get that many compliments. So I had to take your little breather, dude. That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome once you start talking. All the pussy's dry up. All the hard cocks go soft. No swamp pussy in here. I can see what other skills do I have, man? I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while. Jesus. These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh? OK. What else? So you good at anything? You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while. Something like that. Man, totally. I'm out of here with the bean bag suit. I'm Argentinian. So number one. What does that mean? There you are. Number one at work. We won the World Cup. I didn't win it, but Argentina did. And as our senior soccer correspondent, believe it or not, the rare black soccer fan. OK. No, they won. When did you win? Like two years ago? 2022. Oh, 2022, our double senior soccer correspondent over there. Amazing. You said you can't do drugs anymore. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs? I mean, I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm just in most fun drugs that you did. Fuck, dude. I went to Texas Tech, man. Reckon Tech. They're quite a bit of them. They're quite a bit of them. You want me to listen? I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did? Fuck, dude. You're going to put me on the spot. I'm not trying to lose my job. You're OK, Sebastian. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Sebastian, here's a little joke, Buck. There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Another bucket. So I'm going to tell you what. We're going to do something special here. This is completely unplanned. This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day. We are coming off of Skankfest weekend. I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe DeRosa. And we drank all fucking day yesterday, starting with screwdrivers on the plane. We landed into a fucking bar and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night. I got an IV drip today, been drinking water, coffee, this, that to repair myself. So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes. So what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it, and if Adam wants to do it, why don't we do a little fucking little Tony Hingecliff. And I go pee. And I'll let you call up this bucket poll. Is that sound fun to you guys? Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me while I step out to the bathroom for a couple of minutes, make some noise for Tony Hingecliff, everybody. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yippee. Oh, my God. One more time. Thanks. We're really doing it, Red Man. Oh, my God. Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now, by the way? Unbeat-leave-a-ball. Don't play that monkey noise anymore, Red Man. Your next bucket poll. I don't believe he's been on the show before. But he goes, he has a name, and I'm going to read it right now. Here on Kill Tony. Oh. He goes by the name of fucking. Brandon Raris. Keep it going for Brandon Raris, the Kill Tony debut. Here he is, everybody. Disney adult, am I right? You. My kids dress, and we have an excuse. OK, guys, Joe. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My wife's loving. She's quality time. We're like trapping her room, trying to skate. An argument in the car. That's right. Just one argument away from winning. Woo. Keep going. I want to hear where this goes. Here. Here. Oh, we'll be right back. Oh, my God. We're good. Here. Hello. How are you? Hi. What's going on? You want to... He was going to finish the rest of his joke. Oh, you're still... You're still doing it? This thing called momentum, it's gone now. We're good. Go ahead, finish it. Finish it. Yeah, come on. Finish it. Finish it. Finish it. Finish it. Let's hear it already. Finish it. Finish it. Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it. Finish it. Finish it. More of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it. There we go. Oh, is he? Okay. Sorry. Oh. I'm more of a blunt guy these days. I want to take your seat back. Yeah, let's swap. Swap, I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil. Don't miss it. December 18th. I love you. December 16th. December 16th. We'll drink theater. I love angels. Oh, I love being back to me. Okay. How did that go? I'll tell you. I was just out back peeing. I'm just out. I'm just out. I'm just out. I'm just out. I'm just out. I'm just out. I'm just out. Didn't hear a lot. I felt like they're laughing at me. Not with me right now, but. No, it's good. Was this fine? Were you once the catcher in the movie The Sandlot? Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up. Been in a little bit of weight loss journey. I've gained 30 pounds. That's not going good. This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir. Brandon. You've been on this show once before. Yeah. You got a little emotional last time. Yeah, I lost it like a little girl. No, it's fine. It's good. You showed your true feelings. Yeah, I'm holding it together right now today. Yeah, how's life changed since you were on Kiltoni? Yeah. Go ahead, bring up. Yeah. Answer the question, Bri. I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but it's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show. Love the community. It's been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft. Can you say you've been hitting mics? Are we talking about Jersey mics? Or... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I'm not... Yeah, maybe. What else has been going on in life, Brandon? I've been doing VR comedy. So like I actually won $1,000 contest and got paid to do comedy in VR. You won $1,000? Yeah. You're doing VR comedy? Yeah. Wow, Red Band is our senior VR correspondent. Yes. Cool. OK, there you go. LAUGHTER The keyword being V there, in actual reality, not much going on, but in virtual reality. You guys are living your dreams. It's trying to. Yeah, it's been fun. I've been away from me because our family can't get out to mics as much. So I'm trying to hone the crowd for a lot more jokes. And there's like real people in the thing, most of my furries, but you know, work with you, work with... LAUGHTER What's your avatar? Spider-Man, from the Spider-Verse in the pink robe. LAUGHTER I'm going to kill everybody in this room. I'm sorry. This is unbelievable. This is just... This is what fat guys do, by the way. They go to VR and like, I'm Spider-Man now. I can jump around in virtual world. Look at me. I can run in virtual reality. Oh, if I just press down this toggle button, I can do what I can't do now. Oh, watch. I'm going to kick myself in the head. Pain-free kicking the head. Thanks for showing the last one. That was good. No. What am I missing here? What would you ask, Brandon? You saw his set. Yeah. I missed the first couple jokes. Is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess, that you feel like maybe you... Because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out of here, right? You might forgot something you wanted to do. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I was planning on going into another joke from there, but then the last... Well, it didn't lose a moment. It just felt like the room was laughing, so I just kind of soaked in that in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you kind of like just kind of milk in a mouth. Is it... Can we hear one more joke or...? Yeah? Yeah. Let's hear one more joke from Brandon Ferris. I've been wanting to start this new thing called Only Dad's. It's wholesome. Hear me out. That's why I say things to you like, Hey, Tony, I'm proud of you. Well, Red Band, we probably shouldn't do that. And then just like your real dad when your subscription expires, I leave. Bye. LAUGHTER All right, Brandon. Got a reaction? That must kill in virtual reality. I take it. LAUGHTER All right. What does he get? What did you end up with last time? I got a big one because I cry, but my daughter wants me to get a little one. Okay, guess what? She wants. There you go. Daughter gets... I've been... What Daughter wants. There goes Brandon Ferris, everybody. I've a... Oh. My daughter's been doing comedy. Would you be open to giving her a minute? What are you talking about? How old's your daughter? She's eight and the other one's 11. No, we can't. We're not allowed to have people... Not at this venue because it serves so much alcohol. Secret show, Red Band? Whoa, Red Band. Yeah. Red Band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Is it still flatters? There's a little something there. You should might get the spot. What's your avatar? Yeah. Huge. She's got huge knockers. There you go. There you go. Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding. We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody. LAUGHTER Final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kendall Jr. Everybody, here we go. Kendall Jr. APPLAUSE So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva. LAUGHTER Many hands. LAUGHTER So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. So the two crazy, just something where the dude and my perhaps have is cock out. But it's mainly from my mom's reaction though, because you know, she'll be looking for my dad like, honey, is that real? My dad's like, don't worry, baby, he just fluffed that shit up. That's what they do. My dad is a small penis, apparently, which means I got mine from my mom. LAUGHTER I've been thinking about a, if they made a gay porn parody of men in black, but they just called it men in black. Men. All right, there you go. Kendall Jr. Wow. Tea Madness with the bass riff that says it all. Kendall, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is a million dollar question here. One year. One year, okay. Yeah, last October. Yeah. Okay, you work hard at it? Do you do it like a few times a week? Yeah, yeah, like every week, like two to four. How many times have you signed up for this show? Five, this is my fifth time. And then your first time on this show, correct? Yes, yes. Okay, what do you do for work? I'm disabled, I don't know. What's disabled about you? I have, I had like bad back surgeries since I was 18. Why? What was wrong with your back? I had chifosis and scoliosis, so they had to do the spinal fusion, like, top to bottom, type of thing, kind of. He has a little, it's a lot. Okay, but you're on disability. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into, I had a, like, yeah, pretty a lot to talk about. What do you mean? Oh, like in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of like material. Like I used to be like a fat heroin addict because of it. Oh, not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the, so like there's a lot of material. Sure, how did you stumble into heroin? How did, well, it was, well, like, prescriptions over prescribing and it feels really good and then you're like, well, I have a bad back, I could just kind of, you know, but no, it, so it started as a pain pill addiction. Yeah, pain pill addiction, you kind of, and then it got out of control. It got out of control, you know, and then someone's like, hey, this is like 25th, yeah, try this. Yeah. Who recommended heroin to you? A buddy of mine who was a good friend. He's dead now. How did he die? No, I think he's, his soul died long ago. This guy's not, no, no, no, I'm talking about it. Sorry. All right. No, he's still out there. I don't know, man. A couple of people have died of, yeah, but, you know, neither here nor there. I got out. I'm seven years clean. Confilled. Yeah. Wow. That felt better than heroin. I'll say that. Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back. Pointing to your back. So easy, easy. Pointing to the back. You'll be right back. You see what I'm trying to. All right, it's not easy. It's not easy going back jokes. You'll be right back. Well, I kind of was like four hours late. I had to do emergency surgery. So he was like, yeah, you'll be right back. Your arms are big. Is that from because you used to be fat? It looks like you have a little bit of both. I've like exercise, you know, diet and exercise take you long. You're like, you're like, like, pop-eye or something like that. You have an interesting build. You have like a small head for your big frame. Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah. Okay. Working on it slowly. You used to be a rounder. You know, they had to like roll me around. Where are you from? I'm getting like a West Virginia Virginia vibes somewhere around there. Houston. Oh, yeah. I'm a West Virginia of Texas. Perfect. That's funny. Okay. So disability all the way. You don't make money anyway. You don't have a gambling problem or... No, I try to stay away from... This is only a adrenaline type of, you know, wise-ish. How old are you? 34. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. She's kind. She's really... Yeah, it's awesome. Oh, she's kind. Yeah. Wow. Nothing gets me quite as excited as kindness. Yeah, no, no. She's... Yeah, yeah. I have a... Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, how kind is she? Great question, Ian. Spinal tap. Spinal tap. It goes to 11. You know, it goes... All right. So, what's the scale? Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier. But no, she's like... Did you guys lose weight together? No, no, no. This is... I met her a few months back. Oh, you aren't heroin now? No, no. How heavy were you at one point? I was almost 360. I say 355. Wow. I know. I say three... Because it's like... You know, I'm on my fat week. I'm a little fluffy this week. I'm like, gosh. See, you were 360. What was she at one point? She was, I think, like 260. She's like... She's well under that now. But I didn't meet her then, so... I would have been... Wow. I know what it takes. I know what it takes to get out of the gutter, yeah? Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each others? Hers is... No, no, it's... No, it's good. I'm just kidding. All right. Kendall, before I let you go, craziest thing about you or your life? A craziest thing. I want shit myself walking into an H.E.B. While trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. I want to go to the hospital. Like if you walk around with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters with paupsters Well, I mean I could say that I did say that but I'm asking you say that was it because of the Prescription or it's the withdrawals you know the withdrawals just like make everything fucking there's like diarrhea plus you're probably relaxed Yeah, yeah, but then you're like uptight so it's like Sounds like a red band Red band bit on a Thursday night at the secret show Diaria mixed with all right. What was the kind of one thing? Heroin is like when you do it. It's not like we where you're like this fucking Xbox like you do heroin and like What's the go-to activity? I've cleaned before you know It's like one of those things where it's like after a while it gives you energy it makes you normal but at first you're just like I want to like put on a Film or something What film? No, I used to I used to like putting on Rushmore like bottle rocket or something stupid You look like me if I started doing heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't yeah, well don't tell me I had to live my life, but yeah Well Kendall you did it here's a little joke book there you guys Kendall Jr. Ladies and gentlemen well What an episode it's been who can forget Martin Phillips amazing opening and And then a lot of fat military people and then the darkest man in the history of the show Muhammad you all Derek Flynn and Stevie one leg wonder so much happened There's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen And it is with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show most interviews ever on this show the reigning defending Super regular of Kilt Soni Some people call them the vanilla gorilla the Memphis Strangler the Prince of Pancakes The Big Red Machine this is William Montgomery Hey Red Man, I'm still thinking about your fat ass kicking your leg up bitch Just in case anybody was wondering I still haven't heard back from medical school yet So I'm coming out to Smoky and the band at remake but the truckers are all wearing turbans and side swiping many vans and cutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour Hey red band I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering it didn't hurt when they put the tube in your nose What if instead of playing it earth we watch planet Jupiter? That would have been such a long show Okay, that's my time. Thank you Wow William Montgomery gracing us with not one but two red band jokes To tonight I couldn't believe his fucking no crazy ass. I can't believe you were able to do that red band kick your fucking head Well, he wasn't He tore his belly button at one point You imagine that can you imagine what red bands belly button muscle like what do you think that looks like William? If you get a trolley as a bunch of purpley veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside Because I've seen his ass naked many times. I believe Bubba Fett fell into it in episode three of Star Wars and return of the Jedi of the The what is that the snarlack? What is it the Sarlack pit Sarlack that's what many people describe his belly button like which is now torn William, let's talk about it. You are two weeks out of being super viral now The world is talking about it I basically think it's a fucking a lot of people and it was it was heavily talked about at Skankfest You were talked about what it people say everybody says everybody there every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing They've ever seen in their entire lives. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery People are said the comedians are like that's a brilliant special is do your stuff in front of a hip-aunt You know audience that's literally there to see something else. I heard it compared to Somebody there said that it was like oh God. What was it? It was like a if tool opened up for pink Somebody said something like that And it makes perfect sense Because you just are totally different. You're a different type of thing. It was the right thing Yeah, at the beginning Tony, he was kind of hurting my feelings, but I've been good. I don't really look at really look at anything It doesn't really matter, but I start thinking about it Tony. I'm thinking Well, what is the props? So what if I do comedy? I'm not allowed to bomb people just never bomb I just that's that's all I didn't understand and then that's confused That confused me just because I don't know it doesn't bomb William that audience bomb you did it bomb William God Red man seriously, you're the last person. I want to hear anything nice from you dumb ass You're the last fucking idiot. I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now Just generally speaking so I don't really want to hear you right now seriously Seriously I've kind of been feeling down today. So seriously. I don't want to hear you again. Thank you Thank you, though. Thank you He's very great. I think you mean well. I think you mean well Wow, I love it, but yeah, Tony I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi on Thursday and thank God it felt good It's so I was able to get the other set out of bed and then I ended up going to the Grove to Oxford on Saturday Ole Miss was playing Florida and I was wearing Florida stuff And Tony I walked down the sink called the Walk of Champions and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was doing me so bad It was horrible. I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence and they're all screaming and they were all screaming at me They were saying oh you spent money on those clothes and kept on saying stuff like that they were talking about My mom that yeah, they're spending money on the cut that hurt me for some reason They were just screaming at me and then this one guy one guy recognized me and we shake hands at the midst of all of this chaos And then the guy next to him He also goes out to shake my hand and then he pulls his hand up and they all laugh real and I'm thinking okay I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible Situation I felt literally like a Jewish person going to Say it say it But no, I mean that's really what I was thinking like he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd and he's like helping me kind of but then he can't because everybody else hates me Wow This guy knows what I'm talking about That fuck fuck damn dude first of all I saw that clip It made me so happy because I adore you and you were so you stayed in the pocket you stayed you you committed you Powered through and yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time But you know just fucking that audience didn't pick up on it. Yeah, it's their fault. Yeah, fuck them Yeah, I don't give a shit. How many people you bring joy to all the time? Yeah, I don't give a shit Oh You hurt you hurt yourself. No, oh So what else you've been doing this week you wrote a new smoky in the bandit joke in between two red band jokes Yes, did dad wrote that all where do you want what makes you write a smoky in the bandit joke? Watch smoky in the bandit this best week down in Mississippi. Oh, and I was and then Yeah, and then I'm thinking okay. Let's make it let's It's for the people. Let's think Turbans just turbid just saying people with turbans. I think it's funny And it's like okay, what's some dangerous you do in a car. Okay, sight-swiping people 75 miles an hour Stuff like that. So that's the process. Yeah Just smoking a bunch of weed is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing a snack on or drink Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now Tony I think that's why today I was feeling a little down and red band. Don't shake your head Yes, it that seriously don't even look at me right now seriously don't even look at me right now I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding. Don't look at me right now But yeah, I've been able to do the row machine in three weeks. I got to get back on that. Oh you he's eating his glasses Right now he's like he's got edible edible. Oh Jesus red band. Okay, it's gonna like my dick and his mom's mouth the other Just got a so yeah, she's so old so it's just gonna Wow, what else does his mom do in near with her? I'm kidding. That was me. No Rebe is gonna go to me crying after this So I'm like a little bitch. That's why I thought I get off on him on that one. He's gonna cry about that one after you think so Yeah, you're so funny. Oh my god I love it. I just love it. Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned you? perhaps Opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future Any big paydays coming up you are opening up for perhaps the at the school for the Deaf or something. Oh, Glowma City. I'll be an Oklahoma City and Tulsa, Oklahoma in middle of December Then I get to figure out stuff for next year and there there's stuff going on there. Oh, like what? What's it just different stuff going what kind of stuff is going on dressed at it? What are you? Struggles. I'm not talking about her right now. Oh boy really. Yeah. Yeah, no way. No way. No way There's no just no way. Yeah, kind of big things going on. You have great ducks on your shirt. Thank you so much We're in a shirt like the Z-bay. Yeah, you get a lot of stuff off eBay. Yeah, recently I begin a bunch of Oriental Rock-O-Fee-Bee What else you been getting off eBay Mainly just Oriental Rocks, Tony! Wow, how many Oriental Rugs have you gotten? 15 Wow, what are you doing with all these runs? Yeah, I've going through it right now, Tony I'm real sad so I've just been getting fucking Oriental Rugs off of fucking eBay Like a really cool looking ones like they look very cool like I'm proud of that. I feel good about them but Everything I want to get in there smell I fucking open them up out of the package and they fucking smell like mildew or something And I just think God I'm gonna jump off of the building tonight Wow, this is a sign Wow And what's explained to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an Oriental Ruggers? Do they come? Do they? Did they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the box? Like the ramen noodles do What's the difference between a regular rug and an Oriental rug? You're the master of it you've bought 15 of them according to you So it should be a pretty easy question Is it the design? Is it do they come with Tony? That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know Wow, just a look thing. It's a touch thing. I get them shipped to my door Oh and by the way, do recently this is a little thing I want to get off my chest Whoever the piece of shit who's working at FedEx Who refuses to walk up my steps you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment? You're a dumbass literally today. I was getting something delivered to the apartment and The person just takes a picture from the outside somebody fucking with me. That's what I have a getting girl paranoid Tony I'm thinking oh they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible sad Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God. That's where I'm at right now Have you thought about getting another escalator? No, no no People get on fights on them. Oh, they do. Yeah, that's a thing. Yes Adam Ray you said you had you have 15 Oriental Rugs Yes, but I'm I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm gonna ultimately end up with 15 Do they pad tie the room together or does it? All right Not everything is gonna cross tonight Did you Did you buy them like first specific reason or is it just out of like boredom like a boredom purchase? Oh, it's just some It's a hard one. I'm dear. I'm working with hardwood floors. And I have to Getting rugs. Yeah, it's been fun. I spend hours Just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff And then I look back at the pictures and then I look at the dimensions and then I go measure stuff for three hours That it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun Wow Amazing William. Is there anything else you want to say to these people? Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring. I'm not even getting what what do you have a you have a tape measure? Yes, and you use a little one you have a little tiny one. Yeah, it's a little small one So I have to make little marks on the floor and I'm doing like 15 feet. I have to make like 15 different marises like a foot long Wow, that's stupid kind of yeah, that's crazy So like making a carpet out of all the rugs Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of each other You'll love it. Tony. Who comes to you? I can't wait to see your compilation of oriental rugs Is there anything else you're passionate about this week? A rugs okay being called oriental or Is that cool? Yeah, yeah, that's what they are oriental rugs. Yeah, yeah, just checking I don't know now I'm thinking maybe some of the people that show the couple weeks ago They would hear me say oriental rugs and they wouldn't even like that. It's just like I mean nothing I mean nothing by it and That's this guy gonna be oh he's saying oriental and I Don't think you're right. I don't know what my mom's season him like really like I Like I ask her all the time like mom. What do you think you told me? Make some of it to the great William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen. We did it That's another episode. Thank you to blue shoe and quote Adam raised new special or new theater tour who is me is happening tickets are on sale at Adam Ray comedy dot com the final doctor Phil live from the one and only What is it the fucking will turn theater? That's right December 16th. That's the final doctor Phil show I mean it is an absolute blowout. I would be able to make it there, but it's on a fucking Monday On a Tuesday, but I have the Monday thing. It's crazy Ian Edwards new special untitled is out now check out Ian Edwards stand up on YouTube. That's Ian Edwards stand up One more time for the best standband in the land red band check out sub set strip atx.com secret show every Thursday We love you guys your last chance to get tickets for The one and only Moody Center New Year's Eve all you people that say I try to get tickets It's your only chance new year's Eve live from the moody center. It's gonna be a hell of a blowout wait in 2025 live audience Thank you so much God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night everybody You The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over Check out red band secret show every Thursday go to Sunset strip atx.com for tickets You