S25 Ep17: Chapter 4: Weaponizing the Patriarchy

Oxford Montessori School is now Oxford Millwood School. A new name, the same genuine care, academic ambition and belief in every child. Set within a beautiful rural campus, just 20 minutes from Oxford City Centre. Our small classes, personalised pathways and strong send expertise give pupils the support, challenge and confidence they need to succeed, especially those who may not have thrived in larger settings. Find out more at our Open Day on May the 21st. Search Oxford Millwood School Open Day. Hubba Hubba There it is, the feeling of food hub. Hubba Hubba The feeling of your favourite takeaways delivered to your door. Hubba Hubba The feeling of one app, one tap and all your favourite restaurants in one place. Hubba Hubba Get that hubba hubba feeling when you order your favourite takeaways with Food Hub. Download from your app store today. Hubba Hubba Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences and discusses topics that may be upsetting. This season discusses sexual, physical and psychological violence. Please consume the following episodes with care. For a full content warning, sources and resources for each individual episode, please visit the episode notes. Opinions shared by the guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of broken cycle media. The podcast in any linked materials should not be misconstrued as a substitution for legal or medical advice. Thank you so much for listening. In our fourth and second to last chapter of season 25, we meet survivor Allegra. Allegra was a ballet major and member of Greek life at Western University when she was sexually assaulted. Multiple studies and surveys have found that Greek affiliated students often experience higher rates of sexual assault or harassment than non-affiliated students. For example, a large 2009 survey of undergraduate women at a public mid-size university reported that sorority members experienced sexual assault during college at about four times the rate of non-sorority women. Relatedly, as a 2005 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence Highlights, men and fraternities are roughly three times more likely to commit sexual assault than non-fraternity men. Also eye-opening is the fact that fraternity houses themselves are frequent sites of assault. In the same 2009 survey, more than one-third of the rapes reported occurred in fraternity houses. In 2016, the trial of Brock Turner drew national attention after he sexually assaulted an unconscious woman behind a dumpster following a fraternity party at Stanford University. Two graduate students intervened and held Turner until police arrived. He was later convicted on three felony counts, but what followed shocked many. Despite the severity of the crime, Turner was sentenced to just six months in county jail. He served three. During sentencing, much of the public conversation and even the court proceedings focused not on the survivor but on Turner himself. His father described the assault as, 20 minutes of action and warned that his son's life had already been deeply impacted. The judge cited concerns about the impact a longer sentence would have on Turner, a promising young athlete. This response is what some experts refer to as empathy, a cultural tendency to extend disproportionate sympathy towards male perpetrators of violence, particularly when they are seen as young, successful, or having a bright future. Meanwhile, the survivor, who later became known to the public as Emily Doe, delivered a powerful victim impact statement that was read by millions around the world. Her words shifted the national conversation, drawing attention back to the realities of sexual violence and the harm survivors endure, not just in the assault itself, but in the systems that respond to it. The trial sparked widespread outrage, led to the recall of the sentencing judge and renewed scrutiny of how institutions, including universities and the legal system, handle sexual assault. Experts believe heightened risk in Greek life settings can be attributed to a few factors. Some include increased alcohol consumption, male-controlled social spaces, power imbalances, and peer and social standards that can normalize harmful, misogynistic, or abusive behaviors. Allegra's experiences were also highlighted in Dr. Nicole Baderra's book On the Wrong Side, though in the book, Allegra is referred to by a different pseudonym, Marissa. Dr. Baderra's book highlights how common the deep institutional betrayal is that Allegra faced while navigating the Title IX process. I'm Tiffany Rees, and this is Something Was Wrong. Hi, my name's Allegra, and the reason that I wanted to participate in this podcast is multilayered. First, I've been a long-time listener of the podcast since Season 1, and I absolutely love what you do, Tiffany. I think it's really amazing. Secondly, I wanted to put my voice to my story again and reclaim it. Being a part of Dr. Baderra's book is a great honor, but I wanted to bring my voice back into it rather than have my story be told by someone else. And finally, I always want to help and support other survivors in the hopes that I can make their experience better than mine was. I love that, and I think it's fair to say that your experience and your understanding when the book was written is very different than what you now know because you learned a lot about your own experience through reading it back in Dr. Baderra's book. Oh, absolutely. There was a lot going on behind the scenes administratively and with different people that I just had no concept of because it was so nefarious and underhanded that it never really occurred to me that people would move in those ways. What were you excited about thinking about college? What were your hopes that the experience would be? Well, I wanted to become a professional ballerina. Many dancers opt not to go to college at all because of the limited time that we do have in the profession. Our bodies only last so long, but my parents were very passionate about education and I am glad that they instilled that in me and made me go because I'd use my education and what I learned in college on a daily basis. I became interested in Western University because they had a great ballet program and I could receive a BFA in ballet specifically. That was really attractive. Western University was far enough away that I could get some independence. It was not in the same state, but it was close enough that if I needed something or if an emergency happened, I could get home quickly or my family could get to me. Western University, that's also a pseudonym for the college in the book and a pseudonym we'll be using in the episode. How were you feeling about living away from home? I was so excited. Oh, I was so ready. I had been to multiple what we call summer intensives in the ballet industry before. So you leave home and you study ballet intensively as the name suggests. So all day long for the summer, for multiple weeks in a row. Some places offer four weeks, five weeks, six weeks. I had been away from home before and as an only child with older parents, I just felt a lot of pressure and scrutiny and focus on me all the time, which I do appreciate all the resources that went to me and all the activities that I was able to do as a result of being an only child, but I needed the space to develop my own sense of self a little bit more and not be so defined by what they wanted me to do, what they wanted me to be. I was definitely eager to forge my own path and not be so supervised all the time. The girl that I roomed with was from the island of Tonga. The area of the United States that Western University is located in is very connected to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or LDS. A lot of missionary work is done in Tonga and in that geographical region. Tonga is just something I had no concept for. We didn't really even do beach vacations when I was growing up, so I was like, wow, that's really cool. How did you get involved with Greek life and what would you say your experience was like overall? Well, I went through recruitment in the fall of 2015, so my freshman semester right when I came on to campus. My mom and my cousin were involved in Greek life. Over the years, I'd met a bunch of their friends from Greek life that have become lifelong friends. I just admired those close bonds and wanted that for myself. Initially, I was not happy with the house that I got into, but it's so funny how things work out in that way. If recruitment is done right, it should be about the shared values that you hold with your sisters and identifying that through the recruitment process and looking back now as an alumni going through all four years of active life in a sorority. It was very positive for me and was a thousand percent where I was meant to be. When did you initially meet Justin? We matched on Tinder the spring of 2017. I don't even remember his Tinder profile, but I think I thought he was handsome. We ended up connecting on Instagram as well and following one another and then doing some DMs. There was a chapter of his legacy fraternity at Western University, and so he was in the process of trying to join that chapter. Legacy means that your father, grandfather, brother in the case of a fraternity, were in this Greek organization, which isn't something that's widely used anymore due to the DE&I initiatives that we've implemented in Greek life, which I think is a good thing. But at that time, legacy was very important to us. I was planning on staying for the summer, so I was looking for friends and other people in the different communities that I was a part of, like Greek life, for example, who were around in the summer and making some new friendships or continuing with my old friendships, just having a good social dynamic set up for myself for the summer. My experience was that if someone was a part of a fraternity, I felt like they were vetted to some degree, which looking back on it now, that makes no sense because it's not like they were getting a background check or anything like that. If you portray yourself to be a certain way and have a couple beers with the guys and they think you're cool, then you're in. From what I recall, it was weird that he was a student athlete at his first university and then transferred to Western, where he stopped being a student athlete before the spring semester had even ended is when we just had a couple messages back and forth. The messaging was very brief and maybe a few months prior to when I actually met him, that finals and other things I was preoccupied with, he just kind of slipped my mind. Fast forward to the end of May, which is when my assault took place. The only time I ever met him in person was the night that he raped me, which is so crazy to say. Can you walk us through that night? I don't know how I learned that he was going to be at this party that I was going to that night. It was hosted by my sorority sisters. All of the Greek houses, sororities and fraternities at my university were all in the same geographic location. We had what we called satellite houses. That was where a bunch of people maybe in the same sorority or fraternity lived together or multiple different sororities and fraternities lived together. Because sorority houses are not allowed to host parties, the satellite house is kind of the way around that. My sorority sisters, a few of them lived in this house together. They had a satellite party and invited all their friends in different Greek organizations, including myself and my pledge sister, who I was spending the day with. I don't know if she brought it up, but somehow I knew that Justin was going to be at that party that we were going to that night. We were talking about him. We ended up going our separate ways to get ready and then met up back at the party. I saw him inside the house, maybe in the kitchen living room area. We kind of waved at each other. This is the first time I'm ever laying eyes on this person in person. I've never seen him before in my life other than a Tinder profile and his Instagram profile. We approached each other and said, it's nice to meet you in person and stuck up a conversation. How would you describe him to a stranger, his personality, his appearance? Tall and handsome, I guess is how I would say it. A nice tan, dark hair, very tall over six foot. I'm not sure his exact height. I'm five, six, but very petite. He towered over me, even though he wasn't doing his sport of choice anymore through the school. He was still quite athletic and billed. He worked out clearly, very charming, but also kind of unassuming. He didn't rush up or shout to me across the room. He let me make my way over to him. I guess cool, calm and collected. If you're cynical, looking back now, maybe calculated. We met in that kitchen living room area and then went our separate ways. How were you feeling about that night in general? What were your expectations of the night? What were you hoping would happen? At the time, I was on with my on and off again boyfriend. I was interested in getting to know him as a friend first and maybe seeing if there was dating potential, but I was not looking to hook up in any way. I was having a good night. My friends were there. All my pledge sisters were there. My big sister was there. We were having fun and being social. At some point, we made our way outside of the house into the driveway area where there were a lot of people. I was talking with other friends and then we came back together outside. If you took me to that property today, I could show you the exact spot in that driveway where I told him that I did not want to have sex. I didn't want to really do anything because in the back of my mind, I still had that on and off again relationship that I did want to respect. He said that he understood and invited me back to his house, which was up the hill a little bit just to talk and get to know each other better. He kept it very casual, very cool. I didn't really suspect that there was an ulterior motive. We left the party together. I had left my car parked by the satellite house and we walked to his house up the hill. I remember I had these wedge heels on, so he offered to give me a piggyback ride up the hill so that I wouldn't have to hike it in my little heels and I accepted and I thought that was kind of fun and playful. I was very unassuming of what was to come because of the way that he was acting. There's a moment right before you try something new, whether it's launching a business idea, starting a side hustle or finally putting something out into the world where your brain just fills up with questions. What if it doesn't work? What if no one finds it? What if I'm not ready? That hesitation is real, but usually the hardest part is just getting started and having the right tools can make that part a lot easier. That's where Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. Whether you're building something from scratch or growing something you've already started, it helps you do it all in one place. You can build a beautiful online store with ready-to-use templates, manage inventory and payments, and even create email and social media campaigns to actually reach your customers. And if you've ever felt stuck, Shopify has 24-7 support to help guide you through it. It's time to turn those what-ifs into tch-tch-tch with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com slash SWW. Go to Shopify.com slash SWW. That's Shopify.com slash SWW. There's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think. Wow, you need to relax. I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood? I think it's limited. Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough. Car selling without a catch. So your car today on Carvana. Pick up these may apply. Mom, can you tell me a story? Sure. Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car. Was she brave? She was tired, mostly, but she went to Carvana.com and found a great car at a great price. No secret treasure map required. Did you have to find a dragon? Nope. She bought it 100% online from her bed, actually. Was it scary? Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be. Did the car have a sunroof? It did, actually. Okay, good story. Car buying you'll want to tell stories about. Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. We make it all the way up to this house and we walk in and there are some people on the couch talking and so I say hello and then he takes me down the stairs. It was a multi-level house, but he lived in what you could consider the basement level. When we got to his room, I was like, oh, this is not a room. This is a closet. It didn't even have a lock or a doorknob. It was a sliding door. So he slides it open and we go in there and there is nowhere to sit. One of those cheap wall or door mirrors that you get at Walmart or Target, Fair College dorm is on the wall, a dresser is next to that and his bed takes up the whole room and that's it. That was the first time the hairs on the back of my neck kind of stood up. My first inkling of like, maybe I'm not okay here. I had that sense of feeling trapped and knowing what I know now about Justin. I feel like that was by design, but nothing has happened and he's been so conversational and fun and playful. So I kind of pushed past that first little red flag. We sit down on the bed and we start talking and then he starts to make his move. He started kissing me and filling me up, which I was fine with. A kiss is not sex. That wasn't pushing my limits at all. But then as he started to undress me, it was clear that he was looking for something more and eventually he wore me down into allowing him to perform oral sex on me. I acquiesced because he seemed into it and not because that was something that I actually wanted or was enthusiastic about. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, you shouldn't be doing it. I didn't want to disappoint him. So I was like, okay, I'll just fake my way through it and then beyond my merry way. I don't think I was super comfortable with what was happening, but I definitely at that time period had a problem with people pleasing in my personal life as well as professional. I think the combination of being an only child to older, stricter, more traditional parents who expected a lot out of me and whom I did not receive praise, validation and affirmation from frequently if at all, then created a situation in my personal life where I craved those things and was looking for it from all the wrong people and all the wrong places. And then you compound that with the ballet industry where it's easy to live and breathe for what my professors thought of me. It's easy to see how that would become my paradigm through which I filtered everything in my life through. Did you have a lot of dating experience prior to college? No, not a whole ton. I had only really ever had one boyfriend prior to college. A lot of confusing things, relationship adjacent, but never a relationship. I was still figuring out this is what I want, this is what I like, and the things that I didn't want and didn't like. If I could go back, I think I would do almost everything when it comes to my dating life in early college differently. I definitely think I walked into a situation where maybe there was an opportunity for me at the beginning if I had said, I don't want to sit on your bed. Let's go back up to the couches. Maybe something could have been different. There is that guilt but that's normal. We're always our hardest critics, I guess. I don't blame other women if I heard my situation on a different person. I would say you couldn't have known it's not your fault, but internally it's a lot harder for me to say that to myself. I wasn't being discerning enough, in my opinion, at that time frame with who I was willing to give a chance to. And now I'm much more cautious and much more discerning. Yeah, we just have so much more practice as we get older with all things in life. As a young woman just starting out, you're operating in a different place and he shouldn't have raped you and it's all his fault. Yeah, and both things can be true, right? That I was seeking the wrong things from the wrong people and he was just come back. At what point that evening did it turn violent? I was tolerating this oral sex, not enjoying myself in a closet, on a bed with a man that I had just met in person. And then all of a sudden his penis is out and it's very close to my vagina and so I said, what are you doing? I don't recall if he really responded. He kind of blew me off. In that moment I was trying to remind him we talked about this. I don't want to go any further. And then just like that, he was penetrating me. And very quickly after putting himself inside of me, he got on top of me and put the heels of his hands together over my throat and put his full upper body weight so I couldn't breathe but it wasn't like a traditional strangling so that it wouldn't leave fingerprint bruises that we see with a lot of regular manual strangulation. It was pushing down on my trachea. So I was no longer able to breathe, say no, cry out for help since there were a lot of other people in this house. I don't know for how long that lasted. I definitely had an out of body disassociative experience in that moment. I kind of saw myself from above. I saw my life flash before my eyes a little bit. I was like, this is very bad and I could die and how am I going to get myself out of this? I had never experienced any sort of violence in my life like that ever. He did remove his hands from my throat and I think I said something to the effect of can we take a little break or something like that to kind of try to de-escalate. Obviously, I'm very scared, freaked out at this point because of what had just happened and who had the power in the room was abundantly clear to me. So I was just trying to do what I could to appease him for long enough that I would be able to safely get out of that closet, out of that house and back to home. I think he asked for me to perform oral sex on him and obviously when that level of violence has already been perpetrated against you, I said yes as a means of survival but I don't want anyone to perceive that as actual consent because that was a yes under duress because I thought it would keep me alive not because I had any interest in what was happening. And so I ended up performing oral sex on him. He raped me again. We put our clothes on and he had the flashlight on his phone pulled up and I kind of felt like maybe he was taking pictures of me or something. I don't know why I felt that. I don't think that was the case though in the end. We both got dressed. My car was still parked blocks away and down a hill. So he drove me to my car and said something about like we should go out sometime or we should do that again. Something to that effect. I just was like yeah sure. Got in my car drove home to my on-campus apartment and showered which I guess I'll just put out as a PSA is if you've been sexually assaulted it's really best to try to preserve that evidence that DNA and go to the hospital and get an exam done as soon as possible. I was not really educated about those things at the time and obviously in shock and not really processing things. I think it's really hard to take ownership of a word like rape and sexual assault. I think it's worth mentioning that my freshman year I had experienced sexual assault with a photographer that had worked with other dancers at my university so I thought he was a safe person and he was not and he came on to me during the photo shoot and offered me alcohol as a 18 year old and just things that shouldn't have happened. After I'd come to terms with what had happened to me I went to the department heads and said hey this happened to me would you be willing to put out something to the other dancers saying don't work with this guy he's not safe and they didn't want to do that because they were worried about defamation. I had felt very powerless and like I just had no options and no way of proving that experience. I had told Justin about that situation so he knew in that way that I was vulnerable to call it what it was was very challenging for me in that moment. I was very much resisting that because at the time this was a person that I presumed was going to get into his legacy fraternity. Greek life meant a lot to me at that time and it still does so just knowing that he was going to be a part of that environment I didn't even know how to go about navigating that and then he texted me I hadn't even really decided how I felt or hadn't come to terms with labeling what had happened to me with the correct term and he's texting me wanting to go out again in air quotes. We didn't go out the first time I had a fawning response which still to this day is one of the hardest aspects of my experience for me and I can give myself a little bit more grace about it now because I don't think I gave enough credit to how scary and how life-threatening of a situation I was in so I texted him things that alluded to the fact that I wasn't thinking that I was raped wasn't thinking about what happened the night before negatively when I did definitely think I was not okay with what happened. I had felt threatened and afraid for my life so I just wanted to continue to appease him and keep him at arms distance until I could figure out what I wanted to do but by the end of that Sunday I had come to terms with what had happened. What do you feel was the turning point for you to come to that realization? He was talking about the fact that we had gotten together and framing it as like this wonderful hookup to people the rumor mill was starting sorority sisters were saying like hey what happened between you and Justin we're hearing stuff people pointing out that doesn't really sound like something that you would consent to are you sure that you are okay we're talking 2017 so like 50 shades of gray was big at this time I feel like he was trying to portray it that we had kinky sex and that was so not what happened I was being portrayed as someone that was easy and fast and I did not like that because that's not what had happened I did not choose to give myself to him he took it I was processing through things with college friends and getting acquainted with the word rape as it relates to what happened to me and trying to be okay with that label by that Sunday evening the 28th of May now I had come to terms with it from processing through with friends and was ready to take steps the first person you spoke with that was an authority figure of sorts was someone involved in greek life that's correct I spoke with the president of Justin's fraternity that he was trying to join because I thought I don't want him in this space that was my main reason for fawning and trying to appease him in the first place is that I thought I was gonna have to see him and if he gets a spot in this house their house was down the street on the same street from our house you could walk there in about a minute I was just like he's gonna be close by if I don't do something in my sorority we were required to go to other greek organizations philanthropy events like we had to do a certain number of those every semester so we were all very interconnected and I just didn't want him around or around other women and if he got into this fraternity he would have unlimited access when you went and spoke to the president of the fraternity he was trying to join what was that experience like for you he was a pretty sweet guy he was surprisingly easy to talk to and very gentle with me and basically portrayed to me that this was the final strike in a series of red flags that they had already felt from him there was nothing that had been reported to them that was obviously as extreme as this but other women in other houses had had kind of strange interactions with him that did get back to the fraternity they weren't super keen on having him join and this was the nail in that proverbial coffin I think the only thing that had been holding them up in letting him in or not was number one it wasn't recruitment time yet and two because he was a legacy when I think about what I bring into my home I want it to be something that lasts and actually feels good to use every day sleep is such a huge part of that choosing something that's supportive comfortable and made with intentional materials just feels like a better long-term decision and that's why I'm excited to tell you about our sponsor avocado green mattress their certified organic mattresses are specifically designed to relieve pressure points support your body the way it needs and help you actually get the deep restorative sleep that you've been missing every mattress is made with thoughtfully sourced materials and built with real care so you can get incredible sleep night after night and because they're made with real certified organic materials they're built to hold up over time which means fewer replacements and less waste avocado really focuses on quality and sustainability in a way that feels practical avocado products are made not manufactured thoughtfully crafted with real materials to deliver lasting comfort and support go to avocado green mattress dot com slash s w w to check out their mattress and furniture sale that's avocado green mattress dot com slash s w w avocado green mattress dot com slash s w w thank you so much I sold my car in carvana last night well that's cool no you don't understand it went perfectly real offer down to the penny they're picking it up tomorrow nothing went wrong so what's the problem that is the problem nothing in my life goes to smoothly I'm waiting for the catch maybe there's no catch that's exactly what a catch would want me to think wow you need to relax I need to knock on wood do we have what is this tablewood I think it's limited okay yeah that's good that's close enough car selling without a catch so your car today on carvana pick up these may apply hey sweetie your mother uh showed me this carvana thing uh for selling the car I'm gonna give it a try wish me luck me again I put in the license plate it gave me an offer unbelievable okay I accepted the offer they're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway I haven't even left my chair it's done the car is gone I'm holding a check anyway carvana give it a whirl love you so good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it so your car today on carvana pick up these may apply I ended up telling my parents next that was another thing that was really hard and a component that held up my processing of it all I think they had known about the photographer and I didn't want to say hey something happened again because it's embarrassing and it's exhausting I didn't want it to come across to them is like I don't have it together I was concerned that I would be blamed for getting myself into another sticky situation but I did end up deciding to tell my mom because I thought she was gonna figure out something was up because I was not my normal self how could I be she encouraged me to get an exam done she just wanted me to make sure that I was medically checked out he did not use any sort of protection so she was concerned about STIs and pregnancy I was using a former birth control at the time but we all know nothing is 100 effective I was adjudicating a competition team audition for a local studio in the town that Western University is located in so we were on lunch break and she called me and said I think you should get checked out and I said okay I'll go tomorrow so it wasn't until the 31st of May so I believe that was a Wednesday that I went in to the hospital by myself where they took my insurance and I said I'd like to request a rape kit please so they had to call a sexual assault nurse examiner or say a nurse this was a more metropolitan city that Western University was located in so it didn't take too long but they do outsource that at this hospital and I think all the hospitals in the area at that time they had to call the police to take a police report so that there was a case number to go along with the rape kit I gave my statement to the police first and then went through with the rape kit it was a female cop from my recollection who seemed deeply disinterested in everything I had to say very flat affect did not want to be there but I was kind of too sad to care read into that too much she did let me know that if I wanted to open up a criminal investigation once I opened that box I couldn't close the lid which kind of scared me and deterred me from that option to be honest because my family lived in a different state I didn't feel like I had the support and I didn't want the police digging through every aspect of my life and I thought that past assault with the photographer I was worried about being believed and I was worried about that hurting my credibility because that assault was very hard to prove she gave me her card and then she left then the same nurse came in after the police officer left we had to go through a questionnaire about what happened and you have that documentation it's just like a series of questions one that stood out to me is did your perpetrator bathe you wash you clean you with anything because I answered yes to the strangulation question we then had to go into a separate questionnaire about strangulation and document all of that so then after the questionnaires were done that's when the physical exam comes which is the hardest part in my opinion it is a bit dehumanizing because your body is a crime scene and the evidence has to be taken off of your body and that doesn't feel good and there's no way to show your code it they swab everything they take pictures of everything you had to disclose if you had had any recent consensual sexual activity so that that person's dna could be eliminated if it did come up it's definitely not an easy process and it takes a long time and it's uncomfortable and it's sad but at the end of the day this is going to give you options if you are not sure about the steps forward at that time that's okay but you have evidence collected and you've been given prophylaxis for STIs I was given plan B the other thing I thought was interesting which was also mentioned in Luna's experience the cart that they use for the rape kit that has all the different tools on it is the same cart they use to deliver babies I guess it was just poetic in a way or a moment of stark contrast that this cart that's used to bring life into the world which is usually so happy is also used for something that's so dark and life-altering in a different way they sent a confidential advocate with the same nurse as well this advocate happened to be male which didn't bother me too much or I felt like well I can't really ask for a different advocate so here we go how long do you think the process took overall six plus hours I was there anytime an assault is reported by a mandatory reporter at Western University at this time frame it would trigger an email that gave you all the resources including the title nine office if you wanted to file a complaint somehow that email was in my inbox that also got sent to me when I reported that photographer these were not resources that I specifically sought out they just appeared in my university inbox and that's one of the big misconceptions that the administration or people had about me that this was a way for me to get attention or display attention seeking behavior and it was not something that I was seeking out I was given this resource but what's interesting is that somehow I went to the advocacy office first and I don't know how I found out about them if that was something that was on the list of resources in that generic email but thank goodness that I got connected with the school's advocacy office because that turned out to be such a blessing my advocate was so sweet and thoughtful hardworking that office and that job at Western University ate her alive but she was a really great advocate thank goodness that I had the advocates there to guide me on how to file a complaint properly or I could have ended up like many of the women in Dr. Baderra's book that just never heard anything I made contact with Title IX because the school's victim advocate's office directed me to them they explained all my options to me and I was attracted to the Title IX process because the burden of proof needed to find someone responsible on a Title IX was more likely than not if it was like 51% certainty that he did this versus in criminal cases we have beyond a reasonable doubt these varying degrees of proof thresholds that's what attracted me to Title IX I was like oh this is like the lowest barrier to entry and if this goes well which I was like why wouldn't it because he did rape me I thought that telling the truth was enough and I was telling the truth I didn't hold back I didn't mince words I didn't delete my fawning texts or anything like that I gave them everything even the things that made me look unattractive or could have hurt my credibility I filed my paperwork June 3rd or June 4th they told me that it would take 60 days to complete and I was thinking great that was one of my motivations for getting my complaint filed so quickly as I wanted it resolved before the summer semester's end the majority of Greek Rowan campus would come back in August and no one would be the wiser as to what happened over the summer but the fine print was could take longer than 60 days my initial investigator in Title IX left the office over the course of my investigation so I was assigned a second investigator who was female first investigator was male and I liked him better somehow she told me that she had also experienced sexual assault in college and interacted with her Title IX office and that's what inspired her to become an investigator so that really lulled me into a false sense of security because I was like oh my gosh this woman gets me and she wasn't the only one come to find out who thought she was this awesome feminist and was just like the biggest internalized patriarchy asshole one could ever meet that was another aspect that really hurt my feelings because I thought she was in her way showing to me that she was on my side and she just wasn't at all while I was getting in touch with my school Justin was going around to all of my friends within Greek life spreading horrible rumors about me because now that I had changed my tune and wasn't fawning anymore and had cut off all communication with him and had spoken to the fraternity president was doing my rape kit getting things in motion coming to terms and owning that what had happened to me was rape he was mad and I think it was a case of if she's going to take me down I'm taking her down with me I think the fraternity president spoke to him and was like hey this is not going to happen we can't have you and our fraternity so I think it tipped him off Title IX they were the ones that suggested that I get a no-contact directive it was basically like you have no recourse for what he's doing right now but if you get this no-contact directive signed and we can get him to sign it it'll benefit you both it's like the school's version of a restraining order more like a gag order what's maybe surprising for some folks to learn is that the same accommodations and no contact order and all of that applies to both parties in these circumstances so he can't talk about you and you can't talk about him if you need academic accommodations those can be given to you and also to him yes apparently which is something I didn't even really consider at the time that's the first time that I heard the phrase due process if I never have to hear that phrase again it will be too soon because so much about this is packaged as due process but it's not it's really like perpetrator he also has rights and we have to be respectful of those rights and treat you both equally the no-contact order went into effect fairly quickly after I filed my Title IX formal complaint he was breaking that agreement pretty much from the moment he signed it after the no-contact agreement was signed he was still running around telling anyone who would listen what a crazy slo- I was and why would she do this to me my pledge sister he was snapchat messaging her about what a crazy whore I was users of snapchat will know that if you screenshot something it will notify the user which I think is a good safety feature to have but she was like well what am I gonna do she got a different device and took a picture of the screen of the device where her messages were on so that he did not know that screenshots were taken and so those were some of the pieces of evidence that I submitted in my retaliation claim one of the pieces of evidence that he submitted was from current members of the legacy fraternity that he was trying to get into but was then barred from entering they got together and they wrote I refer to it as the whore letter it was essentially a whole letter of them defaming my character and my integrity in every possible way saying what a slut and whore I was on Greek row that I'd slept with or hooked up with all these guys that I was not a credible source I never got to read it but that was the summarization that I received from the title nine investigator they let me know that it had happened that it was submitted but they wouldn't be keeping it as actual evidence which like throw me a bone but I felt that even the fact that had been submitted and that they had read it I was concerned that that had already clouded their perception of me it seemed like in reading dr. bedera's book that justin if anything seemed to be favored by the title nine office in your circumstances the way he was treated by staff etc do you think that's fair to say yes I do think it's fair this region of the country that western university is in has a high population of members of the lds church which I think really does contribute to inherent patriarchy and bias towards men and a hard wall to come up against or high moral scrutiny for women women should be moral they should be chased and their highest calling in life is to have many children and be a good wife the perception of justin is that he was this nice guy athletic handsome he wouldn't need to rape anyone to get some action because he was traditionally handsome and attractive and in shape and so just adding this layer and weaponizing the patriarchy and the societal pressure for women that already existed is not lost on me the retaliation piece took so long because I kept on telling the title nine office he's violating the no contact agreement and they just wouldn't really do anything about that because at western university the title nine office initiates the paperwork for a lot of things they drafted up and made us both sign the no contact agreement but if I have a problem with the no contact agreement being breached I had to go to the office of the dean of students for recourse I did not know that nobody told me that I finally was able to get to the right person to tell them this and this was the only formal justice from western university that I ever got which was such a load of bullshit he was put on some sort of probation which basically meant if he did anything again then they would pursue a more formal suspension or expulsion I sold my car in carvana last night well that's cool no you don't understand it went perfectly real offer down to the penny they're picking it up tomorrow nothing went wrong so what's the problem that is the problem nothing in my life goes to smoothly I'm waiting for the catch maybe there's no catch that's exactly what a catch would want me to think wow you need to relax I need to knock on wood do we have what is this table would I think it's limited okay yeah that's good that's close car selling without a catch sell your car today on carvada pick up these may apply if the world were like a sleep number mattress everything would adapt for your comfort because as your life changes and your body changes sleep number mattresses adapt and shift to give you personalized comfort night after night and now everything's on sale during our memorial day event save up to 1200 dollars on mattresses for a limited time to experience a whole new world of comfort visit a sleep number store or go to sleep number dot com sleep number to a good life sleep august was the kickoff for our recruitment season in greek life recruitment is very much for sororities anyway and all hands on deck type of situation because recruitment impacts the chapter for the next four years if you have a good year if you fill your quota if you get a good pledge class that's going to bolster your chapters so it's very important time for us at western university we had a greek recruitment kickoff barbecue so it was like a pre-recruitment event and something that i attended as a freshman it's essentially like get to know all the houses scope some girls that you're really interested in recruiting it was an important time for me because i was representing my sorority justin was not picked up by this legacy fraternity that he wanted to be in as we know he decided to show up to the greek barbecue because he knew there was nothing i could do but that it would antagonize me and disrupt me and further hurt my credibility and my sorority's ability to recruit because i was wearing letters i was wearing a shirt that said the name of my sorority on it and i'm crying and distraught not to use his word but looking crazy in front of all these potential new members all the people that are already in other greek organizations and my own thinking what the heck is her problem in your opinion he would have known that you're gonna be there absolutely and does he approach you no i started panicking and crying and a pledge sister who i'm still good friends with to this day pulls me aside because she knew what was going on so we were like around the corner hiding as i'm sobbing freaking out by this point i had figured out that if i wanted to report a violation of the no contact agreement i had to report it to the office of the dean of students so i called the office of the dean of students and they sent people from their office down to the greek barbecue to see what was going on but what i did not know at the time was that justin had an advocate because i was allowed a victim advocate in the victim advocates office so because of that sexy little due process his advocate came through the office of the dean of students and i did not know that until i've had dr bedare's book you felt like in that moment she was there on your behalf correct or at least to assess the situation like okay we got a call that a no contact agreement is being violated i'll go down there and take a look i didn't know she was his advocate because that completely changes the tone of that for me and the reason that it's a conflict of interest is because the office of the dean of students is the one who is adjudicating these breaches of the no contact agreement if he were to be found responsible and get a sanction it would be the office of the dean of students who would be actually executing those terms so if he were to be suspended it would be the office of the dean of students who would be overseeing that suspension if you were to be expelled same thing they were overseeing his probation from the first time that he violated the no contact agreement within days of signing it so to have your advocate in the same office that is also overseeing your punishment doesn't seem like the wisest choice to me the email response from the greek barbecue incident basically stated because it was a public place i had no recourse because justin had just as much right to be there as i did this is dated september 23rd 2017 dear alegra thank you for meeting with me on friday september 1st 2017 to discuss the allegations that mr justin violated the no contact directive issued to him by the office of equal opportunity and affirmative action and the office of the dean of students on may 31st 2017 specifically you alleged that justin violated the no contact agreement in two specific instances first justin reportedly shared text messages between him and you with another student after the no contact order was issued on may 31st 2017 the second allegation occurred when justin was reported to attend the welcome back barbecue hosted by fraternity and sorority life on friday august 18th 2017 based on the preponderance of the evidence standard and after reviewing the no contact agreement interviewing witnesses and considering all other currently available information i have concluded the following justin has been found responsible for violating the no contact agreement when he shared text messages with blank on or about friday june 2nd 2017 the rationale for this decision is that during my meeting with justin and the other female student both parties confirmed the sharing of the text messages additionally justin has been found not responsible for violating the no contact agreement by attending the welcome back barbecue on august 18th 2017 the rationale for this decision is that the event was a public event and was open to anybody who was interested in joining the greek community the no contact agreement as currently written does not limit justin being in the same public space as you but does prohibit any contact with you during the course of my investigation no information was provided to confirm that justin directly you or interacted with you during this event this fact was also corroborated by you during our meeting a violation of university issue no contact agreement is also a violation of the standards of behavior section 3a of the code of student rights and responsibilities and then he linked it specifically student code slash behavioral misconduct slash 10 violation of published university policies rules or regulation the student conduct administration process is based on an educational philosophy as per section 3c of the western university code of student rights and responsibilities a resolution regarding this incident is the next step towards resolving this matter to end i have recommended the following sanction to justin as a result justin will be on university probation for the next six months this means that if he is found responsible for any further violations of the student code during this time he may be immediately suspended or dismissed from western university the terms outlined above reflect justin's behavior and violating the no contact agreement and the western university's interests in providing an appropriate response to student code violations the resolution of this investigation is being shared with you as the complaining party the sanctions discussed in this letter have been shared with you and justin and are not shared with others additionally justin has agreed to not have any contact with you in person electronically etc in the future thank you for your time in cooperation during the investigation please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about this process or the investigation respectfully associate dean slash director of student conduct and community standards six months and that's all he ever got which is basically a warning yes if he messes up anymore in a six month time period that's not very long to have to keep it together then that began the next phase of justin's retaliatory behavior because i think that experience of the greek barbeque emboldened him he both got to me and suffered no repercussions to your understanding did he continue to break the no contact order or speak about you negatively behind closed doors so to speak yes september 28 of 2017 i first received the initial finding after recruitment season was over fraternities would throw a party for their new pledge class to like present their pledge class to the row i was at one of those and i got the email at the party which i think is so weird because this was either friday or saturday night late so that was another moment of the world standing still around me i'm in this loud party it's dark but all i can read and see and think about is this investigation result that's in front of me and they found him of course not responsible due to insufficient evidence conclusion based upon the evidence gathered throughout the course of its investigation as set forth below and weighing that evidence according to the preponderance of evidence standard the oeo slash aa concludes that in all caps insufficient evidence exists to find justin responsible for a violation of university policy one dash zero one two university non-discrimination policy yeah mic drop right what more is there to say what was it like for you in that moment reading that unbelievable i was just so strong in my conviction that he would be found responsible because this thing truly did happen one of the hallmarks of my rape kit for me a standout piece of evidence was a laceration in my genital region that was quite large for a laceration and given the time period between assault and rape kit i was told that it was quite noteworthy and it ended up being a big piece of evidence in my mind it wasn't portrayed well by the same nurse when she spoke with the title nine investigator which i do think the way she phrased it hurt me she said yes there's a vaginal laceration that could have come from a multitude of things period and it made me resent her and i don't want to because we had this very personal experience and she saw me in arguably the lowest point of my life certainly a low day within the totality of the experience i feel like it hurt my case i think the policy stated that if i wanted to appeal this decision to a hearing which was either party's choice if he had been found responsible he could have appealed to a hearing too but i think it was something like three days that you had to decide if you wanted to do a hearing or not you're at a party and you receive this news and then you're essentially expected to prepare your appeal within three days am i understanding that yes i have to decide if i want a hearing within three days and the hearing committee at western university at this time was made up of staff faculty and other students that attended or worked at western university which in some ways is kind of problematic i notified them that i would like to appeal to a hearing and they said okay we'll begin working on a date i ended up dealing with the office of the general council which is a big office of lawyers that work for western university at this point we're up to what four different offices the title nine office office of the dean of students the advocates and now we're adding in this fourth entity because they are the ones that scheduled this fake legal proceeding i was told that that timeline would be a pretty quick turnaround it was not my hearing was around thanksgiving time of 2017 did you meet with the attorney prior to the appeal hearing yes i did not know until i spoke with dr bedera years later that he does pro bono work for survivors but his main role in his professional life is a defense attorney for rapist so i don't know if like pro bono work for survivors is his guilt relieving activity or what the victim advocates office recommended him or they gave you like a list of people they chose him because i wasn't from that state or area so i don't know where to start what was that meeting like i would say it was a very vulnerable experience because my parents are with me and i don't even want them to know that i've had sex before i don't want to talk about that with my parents we're talking about like a violent rape i remember at that meeting being very concerned about the witness list that justin had compiled because it listed my former roommate and her boyfriend who was a member of that legacy fraternity that justin wanted to get into and another member of that fraternity who i had had a brief relationship with my former roommate and her boyfriend we had a decent relationship i don't know what she would have to say and what he would have to say it was just very odd the one that really consumed me was the guy that was also in that legacy fraternity that i had briefly dated we were able to see the members that were going to make up our committee at the hearing the staff and students their names i reached out to them because i recognized a name on my hearing one of the other activities that i was involved in all throughout college was student government i did it all four years it was a great experience for me but the student on my hearing committee was a member of student government as well and i knew him in a acquaintance type capacity but still i knew him i had considered asking him to a sorority formal and stuff like that in the past i thought he was a handsome nice guy and so then i see that i'm gonna have to tell this guy who i know who is a co-worker essentially what happened to me on the worst day of my life and intimate details about lacerations on my vagina and all sorts of stuff was horrifying to me so i immediately reached out and i said hey i know this person and they said he notified us that he is acquainted with you as well but if you don't want this hearing process to be drawn out even longer you'll have to deal with it and he feels he can be objective so he gets to determine whether or not he's objective apparently but it was presented as if you don't want this to go into the new year you're gonna have to deal i was just like okay and maybe what i should have done is say i don't care if it goes into the new year i don't want someone i've worked with on my committee but i was so sick of it dragging on and on and on then i just decided to go with it because he knows me in this professional setting a part of me thought well maybe this wouldn't be to my detriment after all next time on something was wrong apparently three other dancers in the dance department came forward and reported that justin had perpetrated some sort of sexual assault against them the administrator in the dance department brought it to the office of the dean of students but because they were so biased against me they did not report those assaults through the proper channels thank you so much to each and every survivor and guest for sharing their experiences with us and thank you for listening something was wrong is a broken cycle media production created and executively produced by tiffany reese thank you endlessly to our team associate producer amy b chesler social media marketing manager lauren barkman graphic artist sarah stewart and audio engineers bekahai and steven whack marissa and travis at wme audio boom and our legal and security partners thank you so much to the incredibly talented abayomi lewis for this season's gorgeous cover of glad rags original song you think you from their album wonder under thank you to music producer janice jp pocheco for their work on this cover recorded at the grill studios in emoryville california find all artists socials linked in the episode notes to support and hear more if you'd like to share your story with us please head to something was wrong com if you would like to help support the show you can subscribe and listen ad free on apple podcasts purchase a sticker from our sticker shop at brokencycle media dot com share the podcast with a loved one or leave us a review want to stay up to date with us follow us on instagram and tick tock at something was wrong podcast as always thank you so much for listening until next time stay safe friends