You're listening to Comedy Central. For the last year, Donald Trump has been fiending for a Nobel Peace Prize, like a humanitarian award addict. He's tried everything from whining to pretending that he ended eight wars to offering to suck Norway's fjord in the parking lot. But the Nobel Committee gave the prize to Venezuela opposition leader, Marina Corina Machado. And Trump was so butthurt, he said that she should give her prize to him. And because that's the stupidest possible thing that could happen. Guess what happened? Venezuela's opposition leader and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Maria Corina Machado, saying she presented her prize to President Trump. Wow. This is one of the saddest images I've seen in months. And I follow one of those hairless cats on Instagram. You know the medal is only a symbol, right? Like just because I steal ASAP Rocky's wedding ring doesn't make it so I marry Toriana. Unless it would. I mean, I guess it's really what she thinks. Like it's kind of her decision to make and I'm waiting. So look, earned or not, his or not, Trump has the peace prize. And who knows, having the peace prize might make him a man of peace. What if he spends the rest of his life devoted to living up to it? President Trump turns up the heat on Greenland, the president refusing to rule out military action. You just got the peace prize. It's insane to immediately do the opposite of what you get a prize for. That's like if right after the Olympics, Michael Phelps drowned in the shallow wind. But when I saw this, I thought, all right, that's insane. But it's also Trump. Maybe it's just one of his jokes. I'm sure he'll back down. Trump refusing to back down overnight posting this fabricated image of himself planting the American flag with a sign that says Greenland US territory. I love how even the AI version of JD Vance and Marco Rubio are still like, yo, this is a bad idea. No, we're going to get in trouble. And I'm not surprised AI Rubio looks like this because AI is trained on real images and every image of Marco Rubio looks like this. This man's body language is consistently screaming, man, f**k! When it comes to Trump, you might be thinking to yourself, why is Donald Trump so gung-ho about going to war over Greenland? And I promise you, the answer is dumber than you would have guessed. President Trump's escalating push to acquire Greenland now, linking it to a perceived Nobel Peace Prize snub and a text message to Norway's Prime Minister. Dear Jonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped Eight Wars Plus, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace. There are a lot of reasons to think Trump is out of his mind. The first one here is, who starts a text message with Dear? Because you know this dude is also sending completely blank voice memos too. You can tell Trump doesn't deserve the peace prize because no Nobel Peace Prize winner thinks this way. Let's say MLK didn't win it. He wouldn't have been like, oh, so that's how it's going to be. All right, I'm coming for that ass, Whitey. It's crazy to have someone admit that they were only being peaceful because they thought they were going to get a trophy. This is some in-sale shit, all right? Trump is basically like, I never would have bought the Nobel Committee dinner if I knew they weren't going to give it to me. Peace isn't even hot anyway. So it doesn't look like Norway can calm Trump down. France, you want to give it a shot? Trump now revealing private text messages he received from French President Emmanuel Macron, saying, we are totally in line on Syria. We can do great things on Iran. I do not understand what you are doing on Greenland. These are the same texts Kanye got. Just like, hey man, great album. One question though. So Trump is posting the French President's text. He is reading Marco Rubio's notes out loud. The only secret he can hold on to is how he keeps those ankles so juicy. But fine, Trump, you want to take this argument to the streets? That's cool. Macron will take it to the streets, by which I mean the world economic forum in Davos, the nicest street in the world. So President Macron, time to deliver a speech that is focus and clear-eyed. We need more stability in these words, but we do prefer respect to bullies. I'm sorry. Those glasses are very distracting. I can't tell if you are the President of France or the lead of CSI Paris. Now to be fair, he said he wore sunglasses because there is something wrong with his eye, which is disappointing to learn. Like, why can't you just be cool for a cool reason? That's like if you saw a bulge in someone's pants and just as you were getting impressed, they were like, I see you've noticed my diaper. But this shit is getting out of control. Trump is threatening an invasion. The top gun is saying we won't be bullied. Does Donald Trump have any way of getting Greenland without a war? The Trump administration is reportedly considering paying the people of Greenland to get them to separate from Denmark. White House officials are discussing the possible lump sum payments of up to $100,000 per person in Greenland. $100,000 to join America? I joined America. I've been joined America. Where's my signing bonus? I thought the reason we couldn't have healthcare and stuff is because we were broke. Like, if you think Greenland needs this money, let me introduce you to a place called Detroit. Because I know America would do a lot of strange for that much change, but let's see how the people of Greenland feel about it. So I think Trump doesn't know about Greenlandic people. We don't really value cash and Kardashian lips and fake boobs and stuff like that very highly. Damn! That was on call for? First thing, we're not all about fake lips and boobs. I'll have, you know, we're mostly into butts now. It's one thing to dog Trump, but you're talking about America. Americans could slam you too if we, you know, knew anything about Greenland or where you are. Soon as we find you on a map, consider yourself roasted. But if the bribes don't work and the invasion doesn't pan out, Trump always has his fallback plan. Trump has threatened eight NATO countries with punishing tariffs, 10% in February, jumping to 25% in June, until a quote, deal is reached for the complete and total purchase of Greenland. Of course it's tariffs. This man has no other moves and no imagination. This is getting sad, and I mean, sadder than Marco Rubio holding one of those hairless Instagram cats. Yesterday marked one year since Trump's inauguration. That's like one and a half popes ago. RIP to a real one. I will find your killer. So Trump decided to crash the White House press briefing to tout his accomplishments, but also to do some prop comedy. Here's the book on accomplishments, and this is something, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that. That could have done some damage, but you know what, I wouldn't have shown the pain. And I would have acted like nothing happened as my finger fell off. That was a nasty, I think somebody did that. Wait, wait, wait. First of all, is finger falling off something you think could happen to you? Is that on the menu? Like, I thought you had the best health report of all time. Now you're telling me fingers are falling off like it's autumn? Now you might think this is just a stack of blank papers, or maybe if you're feeling generous, pictures of boobs. But this file was actually filled with Trump's accomplishments, which is why Trump treated it with the respect, care, and pride it deserved. But look at this. These are all, each line is something that we did. Nobody did that before. And it's big stuff too. Look, we have the hottest country in the world. Wow, okay. Turns out Trump hates reading more than he loves bragging. But look, whether you love what Trump's done the past year or hate it, he has been busy. Let's hear about some of these incredible accomplishments. With bullet points like number 243, stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail. Notorious crackhead? That may seem harsh, but name another famous crackhead from the last five years. I'll wait. To be fair, the bar on crackhead notoriety is pretty low. Most people don't know the names of too many crackheads. Hell, most crackheads I know don't even know their own names. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Most of the crackheads I know don't even know their own names. But look, Donald Trump is not about the past. This man is about America's future. Bringing one crackhead to justice may have been Trump's biggest first-year accomplishment. He's been very clear about what his second-year biggest accomplishment is going to be. We need Greenland. All we're asking for is to get Greenland, including right title and ownership. We're talking about acquiring, not leasing, not having a short term. We're talking about acquiring. You need ownership. You really need title, as they say, in the real safest. Right. You heard the man. We need Greenland. We need it like, well, like Hunter Biden needs crack, all right? We're notorious Greenland heads. And that's the type of dude he is. If Trump wants something, he gets it. It's like if you went out to a bar with your friend and you saw a gorgeous woman across the bar and then he turned to you and said, I'm going home with her tonight. You may need to pay the tab because your boy's about to smash. That's just the kind of confidence Donald Trump has. And that's why today he flew to Davos to explain to Europe why America should own Greenland. No nation or group of nations is in any position to be able to secure Greenland other than the United States. It's the United States alone that can protect this giant mass of land, this giant piece of ice. Develop it and improve it and make it so that it's good for Europe and safe for Europe and good for us. That's right. It's huge, undeveloped, and a strategic location. It's like if your grandma had a Manhattan apartment she bought in 1950, once she dies in it, you're going to push her down the trash shoot and live like a king. It all sounds great, but I do have one problem. We already have a treaty with Denmark that lets us build as many military bases in Greenland as necessary. I don't know why we need to own Greenland to defend it. You need the ownership to defend it. You can't defend it or at least. Number one, legally it's not defensible that way totally. And number two, psychologically, who the hell wants to defend a license agreement or at least? I guess I get what he means because you do care less about things when they're not yours. Like, a parent will do anything to protect their kids, but if I'm babysitting. You know what I mean? I'll give it a good college try, but at the end of the day, he don't look like me. But look, it really doesn't matter why Trump wants something. The point is he wants Greenland. And you can tell because his focus is 100% on Greenland. The president referred to Greenland as Iceland. I'm helping NATO. And until the last few days when I told them about Iceland, they loved me. OK, anyone can slip up. All right? Obviously, he doesn't mean Iceland. He's not going to make that mistake three times in as many sentences. They're not there for us on Iceland. That I can tell you. I mean, our stock market took the first dip yesterday because of Iceland. So Iceland's already cost us a lot of money. I'm just glad we got rid of the last guy whose brain didn't work. But you know what? It doesn't matter what he said because when the man wants something, he gets it. We are following even more breaking news. President Trump now says he has reached a, quote, framework deal on Greenland. What did I just say? All right? That crazy finger losing son of a bitch did it again. He got himself a deal, and you know that deal includes owning Greenland. Does it still include the United States having ownership of Greenland like you've said you wanted? Wait a minute. That doesn't sound good. That's not the uh of ownership. You at least got a deal, right? Trump, tell me you got a deal. Well, we have a concept of a deal. Concepts of a deal? You flew all the way to Davos for concepts of a deal? This is so sad. Remember that friend at the bar who went to approach the beautiful woman? This is like if he just walked back up and you're like, OK, well, what did she say? And he's like, oh, her? No, no. She a ghost. Well, did you at least get her digits? I got concepts of digits. I know there's a seven in there somewhere. You know what? This is all my bad for thinking Trump's word is worth his weight in gold because it's definitely not gold. It's more like whatever material they made that Titan submersible out of. What was that, graham crackers or something? But maybe what Europe did here is a lesson for the rest of us because Trump bars into Davos like, I want to own Greenland. And Europe just said no. And in just six hours, they worked him down from owning Greenland to concepts of a deal. So maybe saying no is something more of us in America might want to try. Instead of complying in advance, college presidents, law firms, media outlets, whoever keeps giving Trump that tacky gold shit to put on his walls, just tell that man no. Right? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In the meantime, good on Denmark for standing its ground. You did it. Although if he changed his mind, you might want to bulk up your defenses with some of those binder clips just to be safe. This week was a major milestone because Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I gotta give him a hand. Literally. I think he needs a new hand. Because that hand's got one unopened pickle jar before it slides right off. So tonight I thought we'd do a progress report, you know, what Donald Trump promised during the campaign versus what we got so far. We'll see how he grades out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus? Does that sound good to y'all? No! Okay, damn, fine. A plus. I didn't realize y'all were such fans. Let's start with maybe the biggest promise Trump made during the campaign. I'm telling you, you're going to become very rich. You're going to become rich as hell. You're not going to know what to do with the money. Yes we will. It'll be 10,000 years before I run out of ideas for what to do with the money. You give me unlimited money and I run out of ideas for how to spend it. I'll just start eating it. Americans will always figure out what to do with extra money. Have you ever seen how many cyber trucks we've sold? How much can any of you drive over loose gravel and I still see one every day? Now the question is, one year later did Trump make us all rich? Considering your nana asked the whole family to subscribe to her only fan so she could pay the light bill, I would say no. If I'm being honest, I don't know anybody who's feeling richer. Go to the New York Times, Trump has used the office of the presidency to pocket more than $1.4 billion for himself. Wait, $1.4 billion? So if you're talking about being the president, that's so rich it makes every other president look stupid. Like, what was up with George Washington's wooden teeth? You broke bitch, you should have had the molars iced out. So I'm going to say that promise was not kept. But you can't win them all. Let's look at another one. So we're going to have more jobs than we've ever had. You will have more jobs. We're going to create a lot of jobs. We will take in so many jobs. Millions and millions of new jobs. We're going to do it like nobody else. Now did we get millions of jobs? Well if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your nana is giving to pay the electricity bill, then yes. Look job growth across the country has actually been down. But there's one specific block of Washington D.C. where job growth is through the roof. President Trump of course serves as the chairman of the board of peace. Donald Trump naming himself chair of the other Olympics task force. Trump is also the chairman of the Kennedy Center. For the first time ever, the president served as the on-stage host of the annual honors event. Tal did himself as the acting president of Venezuela. Whoa, Trump, Trump, leave some work for Steve Harvey. All right. Trump has taken everybody's jobs. He's basically AI with even more f***ed up hands. Hey, hey, don't look away. This man needs hands. But this is crazy. Trump promised us riches. Then he got rich. He promised us jobs. But then he got all the jobs. Wait, what if when we heard all of Trump's promises we thought he was talking to us, but maybe he was just talking to himself? Because if you look at it that way, he might be keeping his promises. Look at healthcare. He's been promising to improve healthcare for like a decade now. And things are so bad, the only healthcare most people can afford is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wiley tells a patient how to treat eczema. But Donald Trump has more healthcare than he knows what to do with. President Trump says he has no idea which part of him doctors were looking at when he had an MRI in October. What part of your body was the MRI looking at? I have no idea. You have no idea? Are you getting so many MRIs they just blend together? Like, do you just get in tubes that people tell you to? I'm starting to think that if you got close enough to Trump, you could probably just give him a colonoscopy. This guy's presidency is going great for himself. Just look at free speech. We will restore free speech and we need free speech in this country. Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free speech. Not for you. They'll put you in jail just for posting memes. But Donald Trump, his speech, whew, it's so free. It seems like it's lost in the woods. She's a documentary, yes. Only if you buy a Tesla. Uh, Abra, by Jean, go, now, F. So it's go to left. Is that a proper pronunciation? I would say Abraham. But it's so much nicer when you say Abraham. I said, well, let's see how we say that. I said, I'm menophen. Pergoverious. Pergoverous as a linguist, translator, and cryptologic technician. Whoa. Listening to Trump makes me feel like I'm having a medical event. Which is especially bad because he didn't fix healthcare. But you know what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise isn't even about a specific policy. It was deeper and more meaningful. We're going to dream big again. We haven't been dreaming big at all. No, we haven't. But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough for all of us. We're showing a picture now of Donald Trump with his eyes closed, battling to keep his eyes open, struggling to stay awake. Slumped in a chair in the Oval Office today, appearing to nod off. He may have dosed off a few times. Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right? Leave that poor man alone. He got like nine or 10 jobs. So bottom line, when it comes to Donald Trump, there's no you in us. And once you understand that, things will go a lot better for us. And by us, I mean Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, unfortunately, we're all in his hands. Look at it. There are more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
