Come Get Fat With Tom Segura | Your Mom's House Ep. 837

Hey everyone, I have some exciting shows coming up on Saturday, November 29th. I will be in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen Casino. After that, I'll be in Oakland, California at the Paramount Theater on November 30th. Tickets and all info is at tomscura.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. ["Mama's House"] ["Mama's House"] Ciao. Come stai, benvenuto. Yo soy perpetario di Chichobomba. Oh! Welcome to another momma's out of your momma's place. Bienvenido. I love your shirt. Thanks. I am very excited. Some of you know that I've been a long time super fan of croissants. Well, you said that so nicely. And I try them in any city where people go. You've got to try them. But my all-time favorites were at a place called Cinque Terre West in Los Angeles. I used to go there and I would buy a pizza box worth of croissants. You did. And then I would walk around and I would give people free ones on my walk. I was like, you can want one, you want one. True story. And then I would only bring home the remaining 42. Anyway, I was such a big fan of that place. I still am. And I befriended the owners. And then about a year and a half ago, we started talking about opening a place here in Austin. And so we broke ground and that place is under construction. It should be open sometime after the new year. But in the meantime, we have a pop-up location. And it's at the Fairgrounds downtown underneath the Wells Fargo building that's on the corner of, I think, Second and Brazos on this side. And then Congress is on the other side. Yeah. So anyway, I stopped by today. I picked up some pastries and brought them in. But if you're listening to this show, the day that it comes out or anytime after, that pop-up is open. Oh, and jeans. We're open for business. So if you want to make your way to downtown ATX and go to the Fairgrounds, like I said, the Wells Fargo building, you can hit up our pop-up location. And it's really, really good. Your croissants, all the pastries that I've tried, are outrageous. I can't believe that your love of the croissant was such that you brought this guy from LA. Yes. He's from Italy. Yes. And then he's lived in LA for many years. And he had a place there. But this place that we're opening here, I'm telling you, I was just there. And they had just baked plain chocolate. And then they had the pastries with blueberries, pears. Oh, my fuck. They had a raisin one. And they had homemade focaccia with onions. Unreal. And then he did pizza with prosciutto and another one with burrata. You're going to like the way you look. And it's real Italian. It's from Italy. They're from Italy. So if you guys have never been to Italy, this is a taste. Giambi, Dante, Luciano, they're off the fucking boat, man. They're sitting there spitting their Italy into each other. Well, what's the place called? I don't know if you said the name. Did you say? Chichobomba. But how do you spell that for the? C-I-C-C-I-O-Bomba-B-O-M-B-A. And it means little fat ass. That's what you call a little fat ass kid in Italy. Oh, a gordito. A little gordito, you call him chichobomba. He's about to explode. He's about to explode. You little fat ass kid. That's such a sweet little thing. It's really cool. It's so authentic, too, which is what's so special, because the pastries you eat here in the US sometimes are just dog shit. They are. They're just like, I don't care to European stuff. I do really watch what I eat these days. But if I'm going to indulge, I want it to be worth it. Yeah, dog. Sometimes you go, oh, I'm just going to eat this dog shit pastry, and then you have the calories without the taste. You're like, I just wasted this. That's so angry. So what I'm going to say to you guys is if you want to get fat, get fat with me. That's right. Come to my fat place. Get fat with Tom's cigar. Yeah. Chichobomba. By the way, we're going to show this footage in about six months and be like, wow, Tom, you put on 45 pounds. I open a bakery. And now I'm fitting in my shirts no more. You don't see the danger. It's like. Even there, they were like, you look skinny today. Maybe not in a few months. No way. I know. That's so exciting, Jean. I cannot fucking wait. And we have a coffee, of course, espresso. Oh. Jean, you have what you want. You have it's your life. You live your life. You eat what you want. Live your life. Speaking of cappuccino, I'm drinking this coffee here. And watch this. This is my new lipstick I'm wearing, the liquid lipstick evermore and Nocturne. Watch it. Oh, look at that. Not a goddamn bit of lipstick on this cup. That's how strong this liquid lipstick is. It will stay the F. There you go. Own. So this is the first shade, Nocturne. Oh yeah, there's nothing on the cup. Tutto cheche. E italiano è migliore. ChristinaP.com for all my lipsticks are available and my blush, which is to die for. You're going to like the way you look. Buy it now for the holidays so that you don't forget. You heard it here, stroked that thing and four strokes. All right. Oh my god, I forgot the four strokes. Oh, we can revisit it at some point. He came in for his dick had become so sensitive. That's what he said, right? His dick had become so sensitive. Oh, my bad. Oh, his mind. Fuck. I just fucked this up, man. I don't know how to stop it. Chaos. There you go. My bad. It's fine. It's fine. Sibora. Toss. Toss. Absor. And ChristinaPajitSib. ChristinaPajitSib. ChristinaPajitSib. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow. That's good water. Meow, meow, meow. Meow and your mom is a horse she likes dicks. Your mother. I realized I was looking for this for you. He jacked off and four strokes. I hit the wrong button. And dick had become so sensitive. I've forgotten all about him. He was the man. But can I tell you what these cool guys, like I go full circle. Like I go through repulsion. Yep. I go through anger. I go through depression, sadness. It's called the stage is the cool. Yeah. Those are the stages of being cool. Yeah. But now I'm in full acceptance of him. And I'm ready to revisit if you are anytime soon. What's going on? You getting a text from him or something? Yeah. He's got an important text. Don't worry about it. Who's it from? It's... I can't believe how big his dick was. Yeah. It's from him. That was his brother. Yeah, his brother. Yeah. Yeah. No, he was jacking off with his brother. Yeah, cause they smoked meth. Yeah. And then he's like I can come so fast and you don't eat Viagra. You don't eat Cialis. You don't eat lube. You don't eat spit. No. I'll let anybody below me. That was another like fun detail that he gave. Like I like blowjobs but I don't even care who it is. I'll come fast. Yeah. I'm a meth. Yeah. But see that's cool. Like now I see the coolness in that. Yeah. Before I was repulsed and now I've accepted. That's wild from you because you really never liked it before. No. Cause I've changed. Forever changed. That's so cool. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna see if I can find my guy here. Where is he? Oh, here he is. God. Yeah. Yep. There he is. If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm gonna tell you. Forget about Viagra. Forget about Cialis. Forget about dick and plants and all that stuff. Yeah. So I don't know if you believe me or not. I don't. But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick. Yes. Then get harder in the way. Damn. Watch me harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. Unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Hold on. Pause for one second. Oh yeah. Did he say it doesn't get harder any other way? Yeah, it doesn't get harder any other way. Well, this completely, this is like when you see something and then you see a new layer to the painting. I got a Kubrick film. Yeah. You go back and you're like, oh wow. I didn't know that. I didn't realize he had erectile problems. He does. Yeah. He found the solution. But he has no neuropathy issues. Yeah. Well, that's your, you know, you're kind of giving away one of the big points coming up. Yeah. It becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit. Okay. Yeah. Just stroke that dick head. Just up and down. Just the head. Just stroke the head. Just stroke the head. An enormous amount of very thick. It's thick. Hot white. Yeah. Well, I like it thick. We knew it was going to be white. Yeah. We didn't think it would be green, but yeah. But it's thick. And I think that's the crucial point with meth because you're very dehydrated when you smoke a lot of meth. How are you? I'm fed of me. Yeah. It makes you thirsty as shit. How do you know that? Because I have family members that have done it on me. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty parched. My brother didn't believe me. Yeah. But when he smoked with me, he put at his dick, I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes. Yeah. He shot the most cum. He'd get every shot in his life. Did he say that? 49. And he's fine. He has no neuropathy problems at all. He's fine. But his dick gets even harder and thicker and even more cum. He believes me now. Yeah. I think one of the things you're getting from there is that he has neuropathy issues. Correct. That's why he's making the qualification. The point. He doesn't have any. You know, my brother doesn't have neuropathy issues. What do I do? You know what that is? Deductive reasoning. Yeah. And you said, therefore, I have it. And that's why he chose meth to help him get hard-honds. Yeah. It's amazing that this show has been out this long and this clip and no one has been like, oh, Ted, you know, like no one's ever hit us up about him. I do not believe that he is still with us on this earth. That's my guess. But yeah. Does anybody know who this man is? I mean, we've asked for years. I'd be very surprised if somebody... Oh, this and the Benadryl guy. He's dead. That's confirmed. Yeah, he's dead. He died a few years ago. Benadryl? Yeah. Yeah, he's dead. Very dead. I feel like I didn't even get a chance to mourn. Where is he? He used to have a thing, I thought. Oh, there he is. Oh, there's four strokes. Yeah. Well, that looks like any. Where's any today? Maybe there. Sick. Oh, he's sick. Well, here's the clip I was going to play for you. Would you like to see it? Here you go. Can you tell me what category of fat I fit in? So it's based on your shirt size. If you are a 1 or 2x, you are small fat. 3 to 4x, you are mid-fat. 5 to 6x, you are super fat. It's based on what level of privilege you have in the world. Well, that's based on privilege. Yeah. The sizing. Yeah. I mean, she further explains. Sure. So someone in a small fat category may not struggle getting on an airplane, but someone in a mid-fat or super fat may not be able to use even the airplane extender. So that's where that comes in and like the privilege levels of like what fat means to different people. That's pretty cool. I didn't know that. I've definitely been small fat and I think I've been mid-fat too. So I've had different levels of privilege. You've had to use the, you couldn't use the extender? I've never had a seat belt extender, but I'm saying she's based on her shirt size thing because I was definitely XL double X. I think I was a 3x a couple times too. But yeah, now I'm fully privileged. Yeah, I think privilege, I don't know if the, I think what she's trying to say is like levels of living you can do because privilege to me sounds like it's unwarranted. Like, doesn't that connotate like just because of your birth, you're born a white blonde lady? Can I tell you something? You sound like a real bitch right now. I sound like I'm full of privilege. Yeah, you do. Yeah, I know. The holiday season is right around the corner and that means prolonged visits with family and if you're lucky mentally preparing to host them all. Whether you're in need of new cookware or fresh linens and sheets for your guest bedroom, Wayfair has you covered. I freaking love Wayfair. Everything you need, want, desire is on there. It's got everything from quality items and then they ship it to your front door, man, with plenty to choose from in the holiday decor department. Wayfair is your one stop shop for all things home this season. There's something for every style and place no matter your space or budget. Wayfair makes it easy to tackle your home goals this holiday season with endless inspiration. No more huge delivery fees for furniture. Get the big stuff like sofas, dining tables, beds, desks and more shipped free from furniture and appliances to decor and cookware. 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If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into... with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash mom's house. Go to Shopify.com slash mom's house. Shopify.com slash mom's house. So she's saying that if you're a four, five, six X, you don't have the privilege that people who are not that size have, right? The opposite is true then. There is privilege to being... No. There's privilege to not being five and six X. Oh, I know. And I have that. So you're a fucking asshole who has privilege because you're not a six X. My invisible knapsack of privilege that I carry around with me, that's one of them. Oh, yeah. You can fucking walk up these stairs. Must be nice. You can fit in a booth real cool. But I do think if you're heavy, there's a certain way you should dress. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. And the hair is not it. Like if you're going to be noticeable because of your size, I would try to make my style less vol... By the way. Volume, you know? She's close to not being fat. She's not that big. Yeah, I don't think she's big. No. I wouldn't say she's... By her own privilege. Well, by her own list, I think she's small fat. She's small fat. Yeah. So she's got all the privileges. You better hand over the reins to some super fat because you're not going to be there much longer. Is anybody there super fat? I don't think they had a super fat. I mean, I was just looking at the room. Let's see. Well, in the previous one we saw, well, the one who was asking... Tell me what category of fat I fit in. So she's small fat? I mean, yeah, probably 2X, something like that, I think. Yeah, that's not that big. I mean, look, it's so easy to be fat. It's like... It's... God, it happens so fast. Well, that guy on the left isn't fat at all. He's probably like, ha-ha, you guys are fat. I'm not. Yeah. He's like, oh, I'm checking my privilege. Isn't that guy there? He's probably an XL or maybe 2X. And I definitely think that crocs are a bad shoe when you're fat. Those types of items accentuate your heaviness. Yeah, but I think they're comfortable. Exactly. So when you're fat, you shouldn't dress comfortably. You should be less comfortably dressed. Because you're fat. Because you'll look shittier. Let me say this. Interesting. I was at the track meet with the kid the other day. And there were people wearing sweatshirts. Universally, sweatshirts look like shit. No matter if you're thin, young, old, you look like a fucking garbage bag. It's in sweats. You look like... As Carl Lagerfeld would say, somebody who has given up on anything. You have given up on life. So you'll already look like you've given up. Sorry, you've already given up. Don't look like you've given up. Try to reverse the trend. That's interesting. It's so easy to get fat. It's so fucking easy. And the order you get... It really is, man. God damn it. Every day is a battle to not be fatter. Every day. It's so hard. Every fucking day. It's so hard. I woke up today and just was like yogurt, protein, fruit, some white fucking oatmeal, bullshit, and then honey. And then I worked out. I came home and I ate eggs and berries. Yeah. It's all just like, don't be fat. Don't be fat. Don't be fat. Eat this food and don't be fat. Live longer. And then I opened a fucking bakery to get fat as fuck. I'm going to be so fat. So fat. We just can't go there, Gene. I know. Mommy, we cannot go to... Come by my bakery. Change your bum. Change your bum. I'm Tom Schiller and I'm plus size fat. Come and change your bum. I used to be regular size and now I'm a six X and I'm super fat. Do you want to have a corneti with me? They're so good too. I did sample bites and I was like, I got to get out of here. Of course. It's disgusting. Can I tell you to these French where they say, oh, the French women, they have croissant every morning with their cappuccino. Bullshit. These bitches have two little bites, the morsel, and I'm so full. That's kind of the key. That's how you do it. That's what you discover. You're not going to get fat if you have a couple bites. Two bites. You're going to get fat if you have four whole things. Yeah, dog. If you're middle-aged, just smelling it. You're destroyed. You can't even. You just can't. I could see my future when I was there today. Oh yeah. They're like, this is yours. You're the owner. You eat what you want. I'm like, I should go. That's how I feel if I owned a bar. Yeah. That's lights out. Like a wine bar, like a dark, moody wine bar that I owned. I'd go there and just drink the place out of business. Every day. And then I got to order some hummus with that or whatever. Yeah. You have diarrhea. It's top-less. Yeah, I would just order pizzas and shit and god damn it. You just can't have fun anymore. The fun is over when you're 50. The fun ends. The fun and when you get older is telling people how it is. That's the new fun is that you get to tell people how it is like this guy. Kids with autism are not my fucking problem. You take care of your fucking problem. I got to manage mine. There's your fucking autism help. Take care of your own fucking losers. Okay. I already have a tough enough time handling my own shit. First of all, take your little fucking autistic kids. Go fuck yourself. Figure out your own fucking problems. You had that kid, not me. You raised that kid, not me. He's responsible for raising that kid but you. Take your autism and shove it up your ass. So it's just a cool, kind of well-balanced guy, member of society. He's in a limo. What is he in? Some kind of car? I don't know. He's on his break. He lit it. He backlit it. How do you get that fired up about an autistic kid? I mean, he's going to be bummed when it's the autistic doctor that's saving his life on an operating table because lo and behold, a lot of those autistics are pretty fucking smart. You think the guy's about to save his life and then he just takes his phone and he goes, do you remember this? I'm going to let you die now. Fuck you. I wouldn't put down autistics. They're highly intelligent. I know. They're in so many facets of society. This guy is unhinged. This is one of the wilder rants that I've seen. Fuck your kids. I don't know, man. This is a dark one, too. He's really, really angry. He must post shit like this all the time. You know what? Okay, here's what it is. He's the kind of guy that's like, oh, this new tax thing came out. Our money, our tax money is going to help autistic kids in Rochester County or whatever and he's pissed because his tax money is going there. Some stupid shit like that. Proposition five. They go out to the council meetings and they wait in line and they walk up. They go, fuck your kids. They're like, thank you for voicing your concerns, sir. That's him. He's mad about some shit that doesn't apply to him. Nothing to do with him. He's angry, man. Could you imagine, though, displacing your anger that hot? Actually, I can. I'm pretty irrational. The thing is, when you post it on social media, you really are just like, you're just yelling at his phone. Yeah. You upload and you're like, oh, that feels better. But I mean, you're not. All you're doing is making sure everyone knows that you're an asshole, right? That's what he did. But is he looking at the comments and then hoping to start a fight? Maybe. I don't know. It's real. This is probably what fuels him is saying crazy shit like this. The autistic kids. You want to see someone who's also kind of off a little bit? No lipstick on the cup. Still, Brew. Pretty crazy. Check this out. This is insanity. What do you think you lost lifetime gambling, including that 30 million? 250? 300? He's drooling. Yeah, no, I know. How does he have that much money? I don't know. But look, he also seems like he's like. Touched. Yeah, he's touched. If he were a kid, the other guy would be yelling at him. I was going to say that. But you did so that I didn't have to. 150 million. The bulk of that probably to the seizures corporation. The seizures corporation. Wipe your mouth. It was in two and a half years. No. Yes. Yes. He's just drooling thinking about gambling. That's just normal. And you were living here at the time or you're still living in a suite? Living in a suite. 2000. On property. That affected. In 2007, seizures corporation. Listen to this detail. 5.6 of its entire gambling revenue came from you alone. Yes. 5.6 percent. Of their entire money came from Terry Wantanabi. Yeah. So what is he? Just like a Japanese inheritance? Terry Wantanabi. He is an inheritance guy. Came between 2007 and 2008 at Caesars Palace and the Rio and Vegas. He was the billionaire so lost in Vegas that casinos allegedly kept him wired on booze, painkillers and cocaine. Betting 200,000 a hand once offering 50K to open in and out at 3 AM. Just to feed his entourage after an all night gambling binge. After selling his family's company, Oriental Trading, his word, not mine. Wantanabi became an ultra high stakes gambler. He reportedly gambled almost every day betting millions of dollars per session on Blackjack and other casino games. Casinos extended him enormous credit lines, sometimes tens of millions and treated him lavishly with private suites, staff and luxury perks to keep him gambling. His spiral was fueled by a combination of addiction, depression and the casino's encouragement. He was known to drink heavily while gambling and later alleged that casinos kept serving him alcohol allowing him to gamble when he was visibly impaired. He ultimately lost over 200 million, one of the largest individual losses in history. Caesars sued him over unpaid debts. He countersued claiming that casino exploited his addiction. The case was settled privately. Since then, his story has become a cautionary tale about casino practices and gambling addiction among the ultra wealthy. Just to get this straight, he cashed out the Oriental Trading Company, which was a huge deal. I mean, I do think they probably were like, this is wild. Give him another fucking tequila. This guy is… Of course. They were loving it. But that's what they do to everybody. He's not special. No. And then nobody could get him away from there because they were having a good time. If your friend is the guy doing that, you're just hanging out and you're like, do it again. Bet another 200 grand. You'll get it back. God, that's the problem with being rich. Nobody tells you no. No one says no. Nobody's saying no to you. And that's mega rich. I mean, that's 200 grand a hand. That's so nihilistic. So you go through the shoe and you're like, whatever, I lost $4 million. Let's just do it again. It's like fucking crazy. It's crazy. I know. This time of year can be challenging to stay on budget between all the traveling, gift giving, and entertaining. Don't make the mistake of losing sight of your finances so much that you have to choose which family members you love enough to risk your rent money for. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch, Rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025. Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface on your laptop or your phone. And right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50% off your first year. I believe that Monarch truly is the greatest app to track your finances. It really is so handy. It's so useful. You just link your bank account information into this one app and you can see how much you're spending and on personal needs and on this, that, and the other thing. And you can say goodbye to the guessing, the hiding, and arguments that start with, I didn't know we spent that much. Let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code YMH at Monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with code YMH. Rural Britain, is there any greater value out there than giga-clear full fiber from only 19 pounds a month? It's out of this world. Speed and reliability. It's upload and downloadiness right here in rural tranquility. Saturn dreams. Is that a bull? Gigaclear, faster broadband for rural Britain from only 19 pounds a month. Season C's apply. 18 month contract. Prices may rise during contract. Check availability at gigaclear.com. I don't enjoy gambling so I don't get this form of addiction. Yeah. I kind of get it, but I've never had the real... I've never had the urge to really go hard. I've done a few hundred bucks. I think I've bet $1,000 on something, but that to me was heart outpatations. I don't like how it feels to lose hard earned money. It hurts, man. It sucks. It doesn't... Guess what, guys? The saying is the customer always wins, right? Right. That's how it goes. If you're into gambling, the expression is you're definitely not going to lose. That's how they say. Winners win. So you know. That's true. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in Vegas. I was doing a gig. Before the gig, we went to one of the rooms to gamble. We were playing Blackjack. I was winning and betting a few hundred dollars a hand and I won $7,500. I was riding such a high. I went to the show and I was like, we got back and I was like, let's go back in there. Don't you? You won. I was like, no, man, let's go back. I lost what I'd won. I lost the 7,500 within minutes. Then I went to my room and I stared at the ceiling for an hour and I felt so empty and depressed. That was for $7,500. I had won two hours earlier and it just killed me. I hated it. I hated the feeling. It was so depressing. I can't imagine. I know. If you're talking about tens of thousands or millions of dollars, I can't imagine what you do. I'm wondering because his reaction, he's drooling and he doesn't seem to have that level of self-reflection. Yeah. I don't want to be at that level. He's like, I would do it again if I could sell another company. Yeah, of course he's a hardcore addict. He would do it again. See, there's no sense of remorse. He just doesn't have anymore. He's like, you don't have any more money. He's like, oh, okay. Okay. I go back now. I go home. Poor guy. He's really in his suffering. He really hates himself. I want to say that I feel like fats might feel attacked by the house and I just want them to know that you can still find love. You can. Can you give me a while we in this water? Let me see. I'm trying to be hercally in this water. Hercally, hercally. My boyfriend, Wendell and I have been together for six years. He slid on my DMs a couple times and I ignored him. But once he wrote me and said, hey, could I take you out to dinner? I was like, oh, well, you should have started with that, sir. Yeah. Ain't this how it went? Yeah, you got it right. So far. I was so far. God bless Black men. They love fatso's. Otherwise, this woman would not have love in her life. Well, we saw a couple one time and that was a white guy. Oh, right. A white guy with a white lady head. With a orca. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's very rare. That was something else going on. Beluga Whale was beached and this guy, she was like, Harold. And he needed assist. They had a crane that came out and then helped her up. It was wild. But Jean. Tell the listeners how long ago that was. That's before we had kids, babe. We saw that couple. Yeah, it was over 10 years ago. That's how much that stuck in our memory. So that's an anomaly, babe. He was fit. He wasn't fit. He was just a thin guy. Okay, so he was thin, but the wife was Shamu. He was middle aged and she was, yeah, it was like a manatee. I had just like kind of swam up on the shore and she was stuck. She was stuck in the shoreline. She was like, Harroff. And then he was like, get me up. But I remember that he had to go with the waves and then use the momentum to get her out and you and I were like, what the fuck is happening? I feel like that's some sort of kink though, right? I mean, I think the guy that is with that size isn't just like, oh, I find that attractive. They like the feeling of the need for them, the care taking is part of what you get off on because you're like, this person can't do everything by themselves. Or stand up from the ground. Or you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, we were in a, we were in, it was at Turks and Caicos. It was somewhere. Yeah, it was on a cruise or something. Yeah. Your parents took us on a cruise after we got married. Right? Was that the one? I don't remember. And so we were, it was a fancy island. Like you needed some scratch to go to this island. This isn't like Margaritaville and, you know, Jacksonville, Florida. This is a real place. Maybe she had money because I do recall a weight kink. There was one other lady. We saw that dynamic in a different place too one time and I was like, oh, she's got to have money. She's got to be an heiress or something. Maybe that's not so much money as that that's what he gets over. Makes his dick hard. Yeah. Dopamine. He's just like, hmm. She needs me. I wish you had that. Like, so I could just let it go. You can just take care of me. I'll tell you something. I'll take care of me. That's not coming. So don't even worry about it. I know it. Oh, I love them. I love me drumming. This is a little... Oh. Would you do that for me? Oh, no. It's just something about bigger women like heavy set women that I like. I like to play with with the arms. I'll be grabbing my feet. You know, play with the building, the rules. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You love it. You know what I'm saying? You love it. I feel like, okay, this a whole lot. So if I get something else that's a whole lot, that's going to be hot. But he is the smallest I have ever dated, ever. Hey, he's super skinny. Yeah. I'm guessing he's probably around maybe 140 pounds or something. Easily. And then I would say that she's probably like, probably like getting close to 500, you know? Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, she's probably like around 500 pounds. He's like runner skinny. Yeah, he's a real skinny dude. He's a real skinny guy. That's really cool. I'd like to see that. I'm sure there's porn for this. I just don't watch it. Of course. Can we look it up? Just curiosity. I just want to see what it looks like for like a skinny guy to have sex with a really big lady. How do you even do it? Yeah. Because they have to do it. Think about it. She can't, if she's on her back, she has to hold her stomach up. Yeah, that's hot. She can't get on top. She probably can't get into doggie because remember when I was super pregnant and we tried, it was so, so fat. I couldn't really do it. I mean, she has to lay on her side, I guess, or lay on her back. If she's that big, and whoever's that big has to. Yeah. What happens if there's two super fatties then? That's what I'm saying. Because a real big guy can't mount you if he's that big. No, because I know somebody that was married to a great big fat person. And she was normal sized. And she said they had to do it a certain way, like that too. Of course. Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up. Did you find something? You found your rugi? Yeah. Where'd you throw that rugi? Because it's making me feel sick talking about this. Did you put it on the floor like you do in our house? No, I put it in the trash can. I find those rugies by everywhere. Not just masturbation. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, okay, there we go. There's a doggie style, but she doesn't seem super fat. Oh, bees and mature. Yeah, but she's pretty big. She has to lay on her side. These are privileged fats. I want the non-privileged. You want a super fat. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't buy this. Doggy style. With her, she can't get on all fours. Yeah, these are not. They're not super fatties. I want real fats, Neona. Oh my God. You need a boy to help you look. Yeah, okay. Girls are not. You know what? We're good. You can take that down. Thanks very much. Appreciate it. Let, like, get Cougar to look or whoever's in there. You know who else is fat? Yeah. Any pet we ever get. Stop. It started with my family of origin. I know. Rocket. My parents, every time, they had multiple dogs all my life and every time we went to the vet, they'd be like, hey, so this dog's really sick and we're like sick and they're like, well, it's super fat. It's going to die. What are you feeding it? Do you feed it just like bacon? My parents would be like, oh, we're like, do you walk your dog? That was my favorite. They'd be like, yeah, we let him out. I'm like, no, do you walk him? They're like, yeah, we've been meaning to. Yeah. You're like, hey, you're not a good dog owner and then they would get super affected. So mad. They'd be like, what? We love these dogs. You're like, no, not just the feeling you have. What do you do for the dog? Nothing. Nothing. Was a beagle, which beagles are supposed to be really thin because they're not like greatly built dogs. They have to stay thin, but yours was morbidly obese. Yeah. His stomach, when he sat on his hind legs, his stomach would hang to the side and on the ground. For rocket. And they were like, oh my God. I remember the vet being like, this is wildly obese dog. And then I remember one time you went with your mom to the vet and they're like, he's wildly obese and then you go, should we put him down? In front of her? She got so mad. So mad. Too mad. No, too mad. What? He's dying. He's dying because he's under your care. And then then we got bitsy. But hold on, backing up to rocket. Rocket was also in your family's defense a shitty dog, meaning that fucker was licking dinner plates like your mother would clean off the dinner plates, put them in the dishwasher and he'd be like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, licking those. And then he was one of those dogs that would get up on his hind legs and eat anything that was on the counter. I know. And they didn't train, they've never trained a dog. So they're dogs, all the dogs always misbehave and you're like, this is horrible. And then she would say like, oh, you don't like dogs? Like, no, no, no. You're supposed to train your dog. Like you can train behavior. You can train them not to do that. You can train them to not all be chaotic at all hours jumping out. Like you can train them if you actually spend time doing that. And they were like, what? So the dogs were always just like, it's always chaos. Feral. And then they're constantly barking anytime someone rang the door. Phone rings or a fucking, yeah, a wind chime blow. The dogs would just go in case. But then the dogs bark and then your mother and your sister and everybody would go shut up. Shut the fuck up. And you're like, that's not how to train a dog. So it's a cacophony of like ding dong. Shut the fuck up. Here's a steak. Yeah. Yeah. It was just chaos, dude. And he was fat and even the dog. And useless. So useless. Dude to no tricks. You could feed him like green beans. As many as you wanted. And then she did it for one day. Remember the day they're like, yeah, he ate a bowl of green beans. I'm like, well, he's allowed to. That's cool. And then the next day they were like, we gave him his treats. I'm like, it's good. Well, that's the thing. He was a treat hound. So they let him do the stupid things. They just let him do that. Okay. So flash forward to Biscay. So Biscay was our. Fief was never obese. No, he wasn't. Biscay though, got fat with us eating too much. And she's a little tiny Brussels. The Brussels were fun. But when we had to give her to my mother, because our youngest has a very high dog allergy, Biscay wanted to die and she starved herself. That's true. The dog has an eating disorder. Yeah. And we were like, oh, it's because of my mother. Like anyone that spends time with my mother just loses the will to live. Right. Starved wants to starve themselves to death. We're like, what's going on? This dog was fat. And now it's like bones. And it's like, it gave, it gave, she, she gave the dog anxiety and was like, hi, I can't do this. Literally the dog got ill. Yeah. We're like, well, this is not, this never happened with us. No. Biscay, sweet little Bitsy was the opposite because we had two babies at the time. Yeah. I remember the babies in their high chairs, you know, kids spill half of their food on the floor. So Bitsy was there licking up, which is fine. I was too tired to clean up macaroni and cheese from the floor. So I was grateful that we had her do that. That we had a vacuum, a dog vacuum. Yes. Let her do it. So that was Biscay. And now she's barely hanging on. She's skin and bones. Yeah. Well, she gained a little bit more weight. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And she was your mom. No. And I wish we could take her back, but I had Julian's blood tested again. The doctor says, no bueno, the allergies are out of control. Can't do it with the dog. So we have one cat, Munchy. And then of course, about a month or two ago, we adopted another cat because I'm mentally ill and so your son Alice too and we, and the kids and we love them and we throw up. So here's my problem. Let's see, maybe we can figure this out together in real time since we never talk about this. We don't have time to talk about this at home. Are you ready? Yeah. So here's the problem. I got, here's why cats are great. Everything's automated. The litter box cleans itself and then I got cat feeders that automatically so that they're not meowing at you at six in the morning for their meals. Okay. So it's automated. So here's the problem. The little guy needs to eat a certain amount. The big guy, Munchy, needs to eat a certain amount. So there's biscuit, who's the kitten and Munchkin, the full grown cat. So what happens is the food gets dispensed at the same time right next to each other and now it's a free for all and who's going to win eating the food? The big guy. So now Munchy is two pounds overweight, which in cat weight is what, 30 pounds? That's a lot. You can tell he's a big boy. Yeah. He's a super fat extra. Oh, it's a sagura pet. Yeah. Exactly. So what do I do? I don't want to lose the automation. Yeah. Because I don't want to wake up to meowing. What the fuck? I got to separate them. You're not asking the right guy. I don't know. Do you guys know how to do this? Because the kitten needs to eat. The cat needs to eat. I think the answer is going to be one that you don't like. Which is me feeding them, fucking separately. In separate rooms. And then what? Eventually the automators I can do once Munchkin's weight is stabilized and they get used to eating in these areas. And biscuits a little bigger. So you can go like, hey, fuck off, that's mine. Because right now he's like, oh. Poor biscuit. Yeah. The little biscuit is just like, okay, I guess we can eat mine. So cute. And he breast feeds on me constantly. But if you want. It's, have you had a cat do that? Oh my God. So he does biscuits, which is why we call him that biscuit. But then he starts sucking my shirt. Yeah. It's really sad. It's the saddest thing. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen. I know. Yeah. He's just like every night like sucking on a sweatshirt. And I'm like, babe, this is the wrong mom. I cut him to its fucking I'm sick of doing this. He like tuckers himself out. Like I've tried to get milk out of this bitch for a month. Yeah. Yeah. And then he gets full and then he falls asleep. But I've tried getting the bottle feeder because I was like, oh, maybe he, he doesn't know how to, he won't latch on. Why don't you put the bottle feeder through your shirt? That's what I'm trying to do. I've done it. Really? That's what I've said. I've tried, but he doesn't know to suck that. Yeah. And now I got cat breastfeeding issues. I got a morbid, morbidly obese cat. I got two hamsters that won't fucking die. They're not dead? No. I thought they were dead. I've been waiting patiently. Why don't we give them two biscuits? I would fucking love that. And let them just see what he can do. I would love that. Because the hammies, everybody was like, they're going to die within like two months. It'll be easy. And then they just keep living. They keep living. It's been a year and change. And I'm like, fucking die, dude. I don't want to pay for this anymore. Fucking hamsters. They suck. They hate us. Every time I put my hand in there, they want to bite me. And it's my fault. I'm a shitty owner. I don't fucking train it. Give them to my mom. Give them to my mom. They'll be dead in a week. Gene, mommy. Dude, this is such a great idea. We got it. Bro. We got an early Christmas present. Hi, Tommy. It's a hamster. It's a hamster. She has dogs over there. A couple of crazy ones, too. You know, they'll eat it. That's a fun plan. You know what we should do, dude? Put it in one of those balls. You know what the exercise balls? And then she'll be like, oh, hi, so jolly. I love these. Take it home. Why don't you take that home? Take them. Take them. Take them. Give them an eating disorder and then bring them back. Yeah, the hamsters are so well fed, well taken care of. They're not dying anytime soon. I got something you're going to love. Oh, you're going to like the way I look? You guarantee it. My ex-boyfriend loved it when I farted right in his face. I don't mean just a little too. I mean wet, loud, messy parts. He loved that. He loved that. Pretty cool, huh? I'm sure he loves you putting a video out there about that. Yeah, everyone knows who your ex is. Yeah. Well, that's cool. I mean, I've been waiting for this my whole life. I know. You're not into it. I'm not into it. I don't know why. It sounds really nice. Imagine it'd be a win-win for you and me both. Oh, my God. It's not a win-win. What if I was into your smelly, stinky farts? Would you be okay with that? I've never farted in front of you. I've never farted in front of you. I'm never going to break that barrier. You're such a liar. No. Every day of my life, I woke up yesterday to the sound of you irrigating your asshole with a todo because you ran it on multiple. Yeah, that's not farting though. That's cleaning myself. Yeah, I know. But then the farts that came after, I hear it all the time. I don't believe that. If you get up to pitch in the middle of the night, and then pitch and then back. No. No. Fart-com machine, that's all you want. Oh, my God. Fart-com used to be food, but now it's just farts and cum. Okay. And sweat. Now you're like, I'm working out, baby. I'm working out. Hey, I take a good deal. I take a good deal. It takes you to the gym. Kettle bells. Kettle bells. Did you do cold plunge? Not today. Did you even plunge, bro? No, I didn't. Fucking loser. Fucking dumb bitch that I am. Yeah. What about sauna? Did you fucking? I haven't done it today. You call yourself a fitness guy? No, I don't. You're not even fit. I'm just trying to be less fat. Did you hyperbaric? No. No, did you? Not today. Okay. Good. Yeah, but I'm just trying not to be disgusting. I'm not trying to be fit like you. Same. That is the goal. I'm not trying to be fit. I'm trying to be not gross. I'm trying to fit CEO mode now where you want to look like. Fit CEO mode? That's the new thing. It used to be fat CEOs and now everybody's a fit CEO. That is a thing. You're a fit CEO guy now. That is a thing. Yeah. They used to be just, the thing is the boss would just be like, oh, I'm a pig. I'm the boss. You're earning a privilege. Yeah. All the CEOs of the 80s and 90s and even early 2000s, you're like, oh, that pig, that's the CEO. I got 90 million in stock options. Yeah. And now there's just like. Everybody's jacked. I mean, the Bezos one is the best transformation ever because it really is if you were like, what happens if you give a fucking dork a hundred billion dollars or whatever? And then you're like, oh, you can see that now. Like he was thinning hair. Just kind of like. Can I see him before? Because I don't think I know what it looks like. It's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. There he is. Oh, I like him better as a dork. That's him. I like him much better as a dork. I don't like Fitzio. Oh, I like him better as a nerd. Style. He's got muscles. He's got the veneers. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at that. Bezos before the billions, reading his book with his fucking brown weave belt. Yeah, love it. Now he's on a yacht. Babe, you need to get veneers next. Hell no. Those guys look the craziest. Well, that's what he did. He got veneers. Yeah. That's insane. Look at that. Look at that 98 photo. I know he's a terrible. Look at that. I know he's just a sweet guy. He's like, hey. Hi, everybody. Do you like books? You want to have one shipped to your house? I'm Jeff Bezos. I got a new idea. Oh, he looks so. He does look so sweet. I know. And on the right there, he's like, look at him. Jesus. I know. Now he's a tough guy. He's like, we can kill people. That's fine. I know. Jeff, I like 1998, Jeff. Sweetheart. Because you come up to you and you'd be like, hey, Christina. Like you try to talk to you. Yeah. And you'd be like. I notice you wore your shirt with hearts on it today. I know. I'd be like, thanks, Jeff. I'm trying to talk to me. Yeah. Fucking dork. Now he's fucking plowing puss and just buying yachts. He's only plowing one puss. So you got married, which is, I think, a big stupid move when you're this wealthy and like, he's been married his whole life and then you just got remarried again. He likes her. You gotta go plowing hose, right, babe? I mean, you would think so. But anyway, my stepdad, you know, my Indian, my Indian stepdad, his whole thing was like, yeah, I got rich in America and now I can get fat. That's what, that's the whole point of being rich is being fat and shitty and enjoying food. But now it's the opposite. Zuckerberg, another one. Oh yeah, he's a dork. Let's look at him. Big fucking dork. And then now he did it also. Let's see his, I haven't seen him fit. Yeah. He's still pasty. He does need to get a spray tan if he's going to. Oh, yeah, but look at that. The hair, the beard, his whole steez. He did the fake facial hair. It's fake. No. Stop. No, that's gotta be a. That can't be true. That's hilarious. And his fake facial hair. He looks great though. It looks so much better with facial hair. He looks so much better now. Period. Everything. Yeah. He's got no eyebrows before his creepy haircut, bad haircut, bad teeth. Why does it say that it's fake facial hair? Does it? I don't know. It's restricted. Okay. All right. That's really insane. But yeah, he was that guy. See the right, yeah, that's the photo. Yeah. I like the gray shirt one. That was really him. With his little bitch tits. So long. Or him in the suit right there. Yeah. That's fine. That was him. But now he's going surfing and he does jiu-jitsu. I know. And he just, he leveled up. His glow up, I guess you would say. But the thing is too, if you're a CEO, like you don't have a lot of time. So these guys have to wake up at like 4 a.m. and do that whole thing. I'm sure he has a pretty crazy schedule. Yeah. From hoodies to high fashion. Yeah. He's a. He did it. He did it, man. Yeah. Look at his getting leather jackets and shit. Oh no. He's doing the cool writing shirts. Yeah. Cool writing shirts. You know the, what is that called? Like Tom Hardy? Is that a gold chain? Yeah. I can't see it. Of course. Yeah, right? Like wasn't Tom Hardy the official douche bag brand? Yeah. Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy. Tom Hardy's an actor. What is he doing? Poor Tom Hardy. I'm like what a douche. Oh, sorry Tom Hardy. I meant Ed Hardy. Yeah. That was like. Look at the progression one there. Yeah. I liked 08. I liked the intensity of the autistic nerd. Oh, and 04. Like I like when he's kind of a pissy nerd. Pissy nerd is hot. It's when you try to be nice nerd that you suck. Yeah. Like he was a mean nerd. Like I liked him in the Facebook movie. Now, do you have an issue with Elon? Yeah. Well, do you have an issue with Elon being super, super wealthy and then also out of shape? Because I think it's inexcusable. Oh, shit. But it's kind of what we were saying. Like that's the point of being the CEO. I kind of like that. World's richest guy. Yeah. Right? Because what's he look like right now? It ain't good. No, he looks like hot shit bag. Yeah. What is it? 10 pounds of shit and a 5 pound bag. In a 5 pound bag. Yeah. He totally does. See, here's the good thing. He tries to hide it, you know, with like clothes and the way he sits. Everyone does. What the fuck is going on? But here's why this works for him. Yeah. He is so disliked right now. Yeah. That that is going to be in his favor. That makes him likable. He's majorly like dissociative. Like he is totally well on the spectrum. Like he doesn't. Oh, he's full circle back to our first guy. Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't like to take care of the autistics. Yeah. He's not. It's crazy though. Like you should. You know, he looks like shit. Hot shit. And that's the thing is if you have all those resources like why? I agree. Why? You can afford a chef. You can afford a trainer. You can afford everything in the world. You got to do it. You got to do it. And just have this. You can have every meal just kind of go like here you go. This is what's healthy. There's no excuse. So is he doing well now? Is this what this is saying? Because I just saw a clip of him and it didn't look good. Didn't look good. He is so hated. Mr. Rocket Man. Everybody hates him so much. I know. I can't believe that people like him. That sucks. I find him highly unlike him. You know, I find him to be one of the least likable human beings on the planet. And I don't admire him and I feel like they'd give him a look at this fucking. That sucks so bad. Here's the problem though. Could you imagine being on vacation and then having paparazzi snap those ghost. No, it's horrible. I know. That sucks. Like he didn't want that. Yeah. That sucks. Okay, wait, but I do want I want fit Elon and I want tatted Elon. Like I want him getting sleeves. That's the next step. You know who I respect their look wise. I've always liked Larry Ellison's look. No, it's like Larry Ellison. He looks like, hey, fuck you. That's what his look is at all times. It's he has contempt. I love it. Yeah. You know? Smug. Smug rich guy. So smug. Yeah. And it's fantastic. Yeah. And I think what this was in the Simpsons, if you're going to be a rich, be a rich. The problem is you're trying to be a likable rich person. Nobody likes you. No. Nobody fucking likes you because you're too rich. Now, Larry loves Elon. And he's been super rich for so long, but he always has that look of like, hmm. Tempt for the poor. It's so funny. So good. Yeah. And who I always liked and who was severely out of shape and ironically, Tomula Sorda. Oh, yeah. I loved the Dottles Doiers. Yeah. Slim past. Yeah. He did slim past commercials. Tomula Sorda. Yeah. Was he the coach for the Doiers? The manager. Yeah. The manager. Yeah. Look at him. Look at his fishy right there. Such a piece of shit. Yeah. I just love. Yeah. He died at 93. Yeah. He loved to eat. Yeah. He loved Tommy Lasagna. That's what they used to call him. I might have something amazing of. But he's one of those guys that was like, look, fuck it. I made it. I'm going to eat. I'm not going to try to be fit. I'm a baseball guy who cares. Let me see if I can find this because I think you're going to get a real kick out of this. He was known for being fat in the 80s and the 90s. Like Tommy would do the slim fast ads because people knew how fat he was and he couldn't control his weight because he would yo-yo and then they're like, why don't you just do slim fast commercials? He was up and down. He would do that. He would do it. Yeah. That's what he was known for was going. He was like me. He'd lose weight and then he'd open a bakery. You got to do the volume. I don't give a fuck. I got left hand here. I got it. I got it. I don't give a shit, Dougie. Well, I may be wrong, but that's my goddamn job. I'm not fucking hurting. I'll make the fucking decisions here. I'll make the fucking decisions here. Okay? I love these guys. I miss this. That's great. It just kills me that we don't get to hear this on the broadcast. I know. I don't give a fuck. I'll make the fucking decisions. Give you a fucking mouth shut. I told you. I love Tim. So great. I love it. You talk about it in my fucking office. Okay. We're good. You can take it down. I love this kind of stuff. It's so great. I know. But see, this is it. If you're going to be that guy, just be an unlikable piece of shit. Do it all the time. When you try to be likable, this is love. Well, the funny thing about him is he was beloved. Beloved? And in public, he was like, hello. You know the Tommy Lasorda? I've told you this before. When you're cat, you know, Jewish people have a bar mitzvah about mitzvah. When you're Catholic, you have... Keynes in year. No. What's it called? Confirmation. Confirmation. Thank you. When I had my confirmation, there was 15 of us. We were in a small town in Florida. And the person that gave our confirmation speech was Tommy Lasorda. That's right. Because the Dodgers used to do spring training in Vero Beach. So lucky. They're like, all right, y'all are Catholic adults now. And to welcome you into adulthood, here's Tommy Lasorda. Fuck yeah. Tommy Lasorda. God, you're so lucky you got him. Yeah, it was great. Damn, dude. It's pretty cool. And then you could tell that eight of them were like, who? And they just sat there like, who's this guy? Idiots. I grew up in LA, I never got Tommy Lasorda to talk in my school. I am fucking wild. So unfair. That's pretty crazy. That guy's a legend. He's a pretty cool dude. I miss him. You miss him? I miss... I just miss guys like that that are like, I want a piece of shit. Like everybody's fit, everybody's perfect, everybody's striving for excellence. There's no sense of like, yeah, you can be excellent, but maybe you fucking hate yourself too. And that's okay. Maybe you're a fat piece of shit. And that's okay because you're not there yet. Like not in this life, dude. You're just gonna be fat and shitty in this life. Speaking of people who can't read social cues well. Me? No, we were just talking about that. Sorry, was I talking too much? No, no, you're a little attached. Oh, I dashed down. Yeah, but this guy? That's pretty sickly. I just had a business discussion with the people that need to hear it. So whatever you want to say, please proceed. Yeah, I'm dressed up. Dressed up? Yeah. I know. Yeah, I got tattoos. Yeah, please keep on going. That's it. That's the whole video. I don't know. Is he, oh, so he's practicing for a business call? No, he did one. He did his business call and he's telling you that like, I had just had a business discussion and, you know, just keep talking. Yeah, I'm dressed up. This is funny that he's like, this is dressed up. I know. He's got two crosses on. He's a doubly Catholic. Yeah, that's a weird double. I've never seen a double cross. I got to keep talking. What's going on? He's like a teenager. He's trying to show you how cool he is. Can I tell you something? Yeah. We all talk? Yeah. Ugh. If there was TikTok. Fuck. If there was like this stuff. I hated that so much. I was not fucking doing that. It was awful. I hated it. Hold on. Can I talk to you for a second? Is that making so much noise? If social media existed when I was a teenager, do you understand how embarrassing my shit would have been? All of us. Because all goth all day, I would be like, welcome. You know, I would just have done the most, the gayest goth stuff. Yeah, you're gay. So, he's too old to be doing this. Is he wearing a bald cap or he's really bald? He's really bald. Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's touched. He's too old. He's touched. You think he's TikToked? Yeah. But he hasn't looked touched in the face. You can tell by the way he communicates that something's not happening. Not every, you know. Should I pay for him? I'm gonna pay for him. His parents should pay for him. He's autistic. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Fucking guy. Fuck you and fuck your kid. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm so proud in my ear. I didn't like that. Good. You deserve it for everything I've been doing. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck it. Holy shit. I liked that. That was great. That was great. Take the doors off. Oh my god. I like that. That bounce, a bat bounced from the windshield right into his face. Yup. Yeah, he's fucked up over that. Yeah, dude. That is fucked up. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. So there's a guy that is scaling a wall that he shouldn't be. And there's not a lot of ledge there and then he falls. I don't want it. I don't like it. Look at that knee. No, I don't want to look at it. It's just right there. Nope. It's right there. It's frozen. It's frozen. Just look. I don't give a fuck, mate. I don't want to fucking see it. I don't want to. This reminds me at it. No, I don't want to fucking look. I'm going to puke. Why do you have to do this? Why do you torture me? Because I want you to feel stuff. I don't love you. Okay. Check out this next one. No. Next one. No. Put your fucking phone down. No, I want to plug something for my friend. Just let me find it. Okay. Speaking of mites, Connor Swindles, friend of the show, British actor, has a movie on Netflix, I believe that's dropping today actually on November 19th called Jingle Bell Heist. Check it out. He's a mommy. Okay. He's really sweet. He is very sweet. He's a talented actor. He's done a bunch of shit. He's done a Barbie movie. He's done it. Odd choice and placement of the ad, but yeah, he's a great... Because we are doing English accents. I know. I put it together. I put it together. I fucking hate you so much. You're like that. You know what, Jeff Bezos? Shut up. Shut up. Okay. Just as bad as him with your fit Canadian... Oh, fuck. Holy shit. I didn't like that one. He might not be able to talk anymore. Holy fuck. Oh, shit. You can get a helmet on. Yeah, that's not going to help your neck. He hit that so fucking hard. I hate this segment. It's the best. It's the absolute best. This is why they watch, Shane. This is what it's all about. This is not why they watch for my TikToks. Everybody knows. I've been waiting for this clip my whole life. I like what someone's just like, that guy's like, come on, man. That's India. So they're all like, okay, big deal. Move along. Look, no motherfucker stop for you when you die in India. Yeah, he's not dead. He's okay. He's okay. We checked and he said he's okay. This fool bounced off the dirt road, whatever fuck he is, Calcutta. He's dead. I don't think he's dead. I think he's okay. I love how no one gives a shit. Look, that guy's not even looking his way next to him on the motorcycle. That's how little life matters. It's a lot of people, man. It's a lot of peeps. Yeah, you got to care less. You have to. Yeah. And even if you do go to the hospital, good luck with that. You think so? That's not going to be good. Well, fuck no. No way, dude. I want to go to the hospital in like second world shit. Like in Budapest, Hungary and the 90s, you didn't want to go to the hospital. Yeah. And that's, no. There's no way that's a good stitch. I mean, they have to have good hospitals. They have to. There's not, there's too many people. There's no way. There's no good hospitals. In India. Yeah, of course. In India. Every town, but like you don't think Mumbai has a decent hospital? Maybe, yeah, maybe, maybe. Yes, maybe in Mumbai. Maybe Mumbai, when next to the four seasons. I mean, they have to. They have one, they do have four seasons, I've heard. First of all, who are the best doctors here? But they come here, Bru. Yeah, but some don't. They get their degrees here. And then? Not abroad. I don't think so. Yes, they do. You cannot practice medicine. What are you talking about? In America, unless you pass the American. I know, but I'm saying that there's still got to be excellent medical care there. Sure, sure, sure. Of course. I don't know. I'm so racist. I know, this is terrible. I just don't trust it. I don't trust, it's not, it's because my stepdad, my stepfather told me so many awful stories about this country. I have so much sadness for them. It's that terrible time. Yeah, I don't, I don't think it's as bad as you're saying. I think it's actually. Would you Google Google? Bombay Hospital. I mean, just, okay. Aww. Are there good hospitals in India? There's 12 kids in one bed. Okay. Yeah, there they are. Crammed in. There's a COVID image. You don't think, come on. Just actually write how good are the hospitals in India? Nope, that's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. I think it's actually, there has to be good ones. I don't know dude. They have open defecation. It's so many people though. They can't just have poor medical care in a nation of a billion people. I don't believe that that's. I just think you're too American. See it varies significantly between the private and public sectors. Top tier private hospitals offering world class care amenities. Okay, good, good, good. Okay, so go to India for your fucking appendicitis. See what happens. You don't have to be so goddamn crass, Christine. Okay, there's people there that they need help and they're getting it. I hope so. Okay. Look, I love the Indians. You're just, you know what you need to do? You need to get on a fucking dating app. You need to meet somebody. You want me to tell you how to do it? I'll tell you how to do it. What's up Niggas? I have a way to fix dating apps. Number one, ban Indian men. Number two, ban fat women. Number three, ban single mothers and their baby daddies. There you go. Wow, this chick's got it figured out. Yeah. I don't seem so bad now compared to her. Well, that's why I played it to help you. Thanks. Yeah, she's a, and also the confidence. Yeah, she said it dead faced. Dead and just ready to go and she's just like, Secondly. That's how we fix things. I'm sweating. Does she post stuff like this a lot? Do we know this broad? I don't know. Her name is Brittany Venti. I don't know her dude. It says that she's a biological black woman. Okay. Is this true? I don't know. Shit. Is that her? There she is. I am a biologically black woman, but the black community revoked my card. That's a strange angle. Well, she doesn't fit into the black community. I thought that was Niana's profile. Who is this person? I know. She's pretty though. Yeah. Is that you? A lot of pictures alone. No, not black. Oh. A lot of pictures alone. Do we have TikToks? Do we have time for them? We can do a couple. Let's do it. Ready? Yeah. Here we go. There's a freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze Oh, no, no, no. Oh. Oh, it's so slow and embarrassing. I know you have to be like, yeah. I know. That's how I feel watching Madonna dance. It's all bad. Don't just don't try to do the same exact. Yeah. Do something different that you can do. Do what you can do. Oh my God. Yeah, you can't do the same exact thing you did when you were young. Oh, here's another mic trick here. Let's see. Oh, that one was OK. All right, he spun it. Yeah, it's a cordless mic. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. He's like. I can't tell if that was intentional. Yeah, that felt like I'm going to fall and then act like I was trying to fall. You know, that's what I would have done. Yeah, that's what I would have done too. I'd be like, huh, huh, huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down here now. Somebody rushed up like, you OK? No, there's no way he meant to fall down. Who did he throw that to? Side, some stage hand. Jesus. He's like, God, Jesus. He's throwing the mics. Throwing the mic stand again? Yeah, you break that. I have to fucking fix that again. It's a wireless. It's going to be a problem. Replacing that shit. Yeah, that's good. As you go off, you see this blur of green and blue in the background because you're going really quickly. And that's when I came to a sudden stop in the air. That was my safety harness, which actually snapped. I opened my eyes underwater, seeing all this murky brown bubbly stuff so you can't really see anything. It's like being in a washing machine. You don't know which way's up, which way's down. Originally I was looking at going to Europe and then I remember that it's actually cold over there, so I decided I'd head somewhere a bit warmer. I started off in Egypt, so I spent two weeks traveling around Egypt and then headed down to Zambia from Malawi, where I was starting my life. This is as long as fuck. Is this this person's life story? That's far. I didn't mean for it to be long. I just meant for that bit where she gets snapped. That was horrible. And then she was like, it's my safety harness and then that snapped. She's like, then he's in the water and he's washed around like he's in a washing machine. I'm like, really? I don't know what's up or down. That's cool. It would be, I mean, I never bungee jumped. Did you ever do this? Never. I've never bungee jumped, no. I never trusted the equipment on that one. It was never of interest to me, really. No, me neither. They tried to get me interested. People were trying. I'm like, I don't. Tried. I don't think so. Not I think so. Nah, dude. Fuck you bungee. I love this song. Do you? Yeah. It's a nice studio too. Yeah, of course. She's been, Claire Alexander has been blown up fucking. By Claire Alexander. Yeah. Congratulations to Claire on your new hit. Yep. She's great. Yeah. I love the way you. She's been plugging it and really working it. That wasn't your best line I've ever seen. Just, she's great. Well, she's been selling CDs. Good. CDs are popular these days. And, you know. I'm sensing a theme to this batch. Can you guess what it is? It's awesome talent. Yeah, talent. That's what I was going to say. What do you think her dance moves? It reminds me of older Chinese people in the park. Oh yeah, I know you're talking about. They do their tai chi. Okay. All right, buddy. Let's see if you can fly today. Oh. There he comes. It's actually working. Look at him. He's cruising. The weirdest thing I've ever seen. All right, bring him down gentle. That's pretty rad. That's pretty fun. Cat flying with drones. It's AI, right? I'm sure. Yeah. It's pretty cute though. Yeah. It's fun. That's why you should use AI. Make fun videos like that. Yeah. That and, yeah. Highly inappropriate ones that I'm really liking. Yeah, yeah. There's some fun Nazi ones out there. Let's see what else we got here. So they're saying, I guess in China, it's like old people are just allowed to blast. Yeah, he, that was wet and it had different stages of it. Pretty crazy. All right. I got to run. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Please check out Chichobomba here in Austin, Texas Currently the pop-up is at the fairgrounds in downtown Austin, and we will see you guys very soon Horrible I I I