Rachel Uchitel: The Power of Authenticity, Tragedies, and Being Misunderstood | Motivation | E18

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Hello, my name is Tim Story. Welcome to Miracle Mentality. It's for the dreamers, the doers, the believers in something greater in each episode, I'll invite you to rise above the mundane to push past the messy and learn to live boldly in the Miraculous. Every episode will have practical wisdom, spiritual insight and my guests will explore what it takes to activate your Miracle mindset. Remember to subscribe, follow and like. I'm excited about today's show. You're watching the Miracle Mentality and thank you guys for doing what I've asked you to do. Like and subscribe and you're telling friends and to quote Sally Fields, you like me, you really like me because you guys are bringing a lot of people in and we are ranking very high in many of the different platforms. Today I'm so excited about this interview because this is not just a regular interview, this is two real friends talking about issues that are hot topics that you hear about in the news, but there's so many things talked about. Sometimes we don't get a chance to delve deeply into these subjects. My guest today is Rachel Yukatel. She is a podcaster. She has an amazing podcaster will tell more and more about. She is writing a book and I'm going to tell you in advance it's going to be a best-selling book because I've even read parts of what she's writing already and she is a person that's not just a survivor, but she's an educated woman and knows how to take people through challenges. Rachel Yukatel is rising very, very quickly in this whole space that I've been in for years and that is speaking, sharing her story and helping people's lives get better. Good to see Rachel. Thank you for having me. When we look at a lot of things that are trending, it is in the area of where you went. So let me just look at a couple names. We look at Army Hammer and everything he went through. We look at Amanda Knox that was a while ago, but now she's getting popular again. We look at Sherry Papini who was the original Gone Girl. So when you think of a story like an Army Hammer and how it came out and how the media didn't know what to do with him and then decided to just label him a certain way, what went through your mind when you first saw that story? Well, specifically with Army Hammer, you know, it was interesting because we all knew him as this clean cut actor. So I didn't really know what to make of it. I think a lot of us that didn't really know him didn't really follow that story. Kind of happened. I think at the end of me too or after the fact. So what women said finally was taking hold. I think this is why as soon as women started to come out saying Army Hammer is a cannibal, everyone started to listen. Because by the way, it was so unbelievable. And then when the text started coming out and the DMs and all that, people believed it. Here's my personal thoughts on it. And it might not be very favorable, but I will say as a female, of course, I believe the women. I don't think what the women said was not true at all. I totally believe them. But do I think that it was a crime? No, this didn't go to the police. He didn't get arrested for anything. This wasn't a crime. This was a man who had a specific fetish. Yeah. A fetish that I have. Maybe you don't have. Most people don't have this cannibal to bite someone to breathe whatever it is and to be eating blood. And when the fetish was found out, they canceled him. I didn't know how fair I thought that was. We didn't get to hear his side because he immediately disappeared. He was immediately canceled. And we never heard from him again. And all you heard from was the women. And they were in magazines. And they had a lot of airtime. His wife came out and now has a platform. I really liked her. And some of these women, I really like a lot about them. But I didn't get to hear his side. And I didn't think that was fair. So I have been in touch with him. I've talked to him. And I do find him to be an interesting guy. I find that there's a lot of stuff that happened in his past that we don't know about. And we know why he is the way he is. And to me, that is interesting and fascinating. As long as he hasn't committed a crime or heard anyone, then I'm open to hearing from him. I think he deserves a second chance. But I think the media really had a field day with it because similar to the story of the person I was involved with, it was such a fall from grace. It was a different personality and vision than we all had of army. And the reality of who he was behind the curtain was something totally different. And I think that's what that shock factor was. Yeah, I agree with you. And that's why there was such a cancel. And I think the contrast was so much. So I've known him since he was like 10. So his dad, Michael Hammer, was my buddy and was a big donor to my nonprofit. I'm friends with army's mother. I've been to their houses. I think they're quite religious, aren't they? Very religious. And that was the next place I was going. I know them through the church world. Right. And then the fact that army became such an attractive guy plays both roles in the Facebook, plays the brothers. And I think it was just so different because people saw him as a whole different, look, whole different image, religious background, preppy, and then to hear these types of things. Now, so your podcast is called misunderstood. So in this case, would he be misunderstood or what category then do we put him in? Well, I think he is misunderstood in the way that we don't know from his version. I mean, he's come out on a couple of podcasts, right? And said, I'm not a cannibal. We don't know why he did what he didn't said what he said. He's different than, let's say, a Sean Combs because that was something that was harmful, abusive, illegal. He's in jail. All these things happen that are not okay. So good reason to cancel him. But I do think that people should give army a second chance. And I think he should be allowed to speak because, again, it's something that was a personal thing that got brought into the public that the girls may not have liked and were not into it. Yeah. From what we know, I mean, again, I wasn't in the bedroom. I don't know. It didn't sound like it was something that he should have been canceled for it in his world and his business. I mean, there was a time when I was originally talking to him to be on his show, he was filming his podcast out of a very tiny apartment where he essentially had a couch, a little tiny living room. I mean, I think I was on his show and talked about how bad the neighborhood was and no shame about it, but just to show the huge fall from grace for him. Yeah. And a very, very wealthy family. So it's an interesting thing. So let's say with Sean Combs. So I've known him for a long, long time. I've had long conversations with him and his family, including his own mother. I think Sean realized that he was damaged, probably not how damaged that he was. But in that case, it seems like society puts it in categories where in a situation like Sean, it looks like it's going to be very, very difficult to come back in most people's eyes. Do you think so? So because I am a come back coach, I'm always looking for the best in someone. So I know the Sean Combs who was doing a lot for inner city kids. I know how great he is with his mother, who's actually my friend. I know how great he is to his children, who I know his children. I've been in his house many times. But I think that one of the things that was so blatant is the video when they see him abusing somebody at that level. It's not so much that somebody doesn't deserve a second, third, fourth or fifth chance. It's just what we see through what I call either our eye gate or our eargate. The eargate is what we hear, but we saw it. That's hard to erase. I agree with you. Listen, I think there are going to be plenty of people that do not forgive him, do not believe he deserves a second chance. And I understand their perception of that. I will also tell you, listen, I do not know him personally. I went and I lived in similar circles. I hosted a couple of his parties at the nightclub that I worked for. I dealt with him as a celebrity, but I did not know him personally. I will tell you that I watched that video of him hitting Cassie. And it was devastating and it was terrible to see and it was terrible to see the lead up to that, which was that nobody really believed her. Thought she was going after money and he even came out and said she was asking for money and she was full of it. And until we actually saw with our own eyes what happened, then we were all on board. Then we were like, because again, it's another situation, the fall from grace or the vision we had of somebody was so different than what the reality was. And the cover up, people had been covering it for so long. Right? So the thing is that I've had people on my show that worked with him that said until I saw that video, I was like, there's no way because I know him really well. And this is not the guy that I ever saw. I had someone who was his personal publicist coming up and he's now in his 60s, I guess, but he worked with him for so long. He said he taught him how to be a publicist. He taught him how to be good at what he does. He credits Puffy for being the guy who changed the level of the game for him. He never saw anything terrible. He said that if it was raining, Puffy would send his car for him. He really got home at night. He would make sure he was safe. So there are plenty of people that are behind him and realize that if you make a terrible mistake, it doesn't mean that you are a terrible person. And you could learn from it. And hopefully he learns from it. My issue is that he didn't take responsibility right at the beginning and tried to blame everyone else. So it's kind of like, what else don't we know? What else is there that he's covering up? Very good point. That he will feel like, well, I got away with that. I continue to. I'm hoping he has a change of heart, maybe finds God. Whatever it is for him works with you. It doesn't mean he has to work for charity. It just means maybe he has to slow his role and realize relationships with women have to be different or men or whatever. It's an interesting thing because I feel like with your brand of misunderstood, it's like society has just backed up into your brand because so many people are going through situations and you talk about this idea of becoming a discount version of themselves. And some people really, by their choices, are discounting themselves. And some of these things are going to be really, really hard to come back from. So I'll give an example. So a big story this week is what's happening with betting. So in the NBA, we have a Hall of Famer, Chancy Billups, who is a great basketball player. And then he went on to be a coach and we have other stars that were making his highest $20 million a year. They're involved in sports betting and it's really, really not a good thing. Not a good thing because people are trying to trust sports anyway because it's shifting so much. So now there's just big stigma that we talk about me and you and the NBA is getting labeled. Other sports are getting labeled. I'm going to say it's not the only one. Yeah. So what goes to your mind when you hear about what's going on with something like that? Well, I contacted you a few months ago because I did an episode with Matt Boyer, who has now since been incarcerated. He's serving a year and a day for being the bookie for Otani Shohei, who is the biggest star in baseball. What he did last week, I mean, people are still talking. And I personally believe it's going to be known as the biggest cover up in baseball history. I firmly believe it. Yes. No one is talking about Otani and his involvement. They're saying it was his transmitter. And that he used to bookie now. OK, here we are. Fine. But that started to crack, right? The feds gone involved. They're now going after Las Vegas, a year apart and allowing it and allowing that money to flow through even though they knew something goes up. So now here we are talking about the NBA, talking about other sports. I'm sure are going to come out. And I'm sure it's been happening and it happens all the time, but to hear that people are throwing a game to make this money. That's where it gets incredibly crazy. So betting, I think, is one situation, but then betting in sports is a whole nother situation where you're getting into a distrust of something that's supposed to be fun, right? The game, your team that you love. And it's crazy to me that people are actually spending their lives training for a sport to be a hero in. Then it's about money. I find that crazy. Yeah, so I see it as a therapist in two different categories. So I think sometimes people make choices that may not be the best choice. And it has to do with maybe being in a relationship they should not be in at that time or doing something at their job that maybe they should not have done, taking too much money, tax evasion, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I think some of these stories that we're talking about are so blatant that they're really thought out. But do you think it's because people like this think they're above consequence? Yes. No one really cares about people that are not up here doing that stuff. These seem like little problems down here, but we're here. A person of a certain stature and you're making a certain amount of money or you have the power to be making decisions and you're so blatantly doing something that you know is wrong. That's a different level of psyche. That's a different level of. That's actually a great way of saying it because I think that it's almost like in muscle building, you can build up a muscle to such a point you think you can get away with it. And remember, I'm going to get the details wrong because I was younger and not as interested in it, but remember with all scandals where everyone was taking steroids. And the thought process after was, well, everyone was doing it. How was I going to keep up if I didn't also do it? I think that was a Lance Armstrong thing. It was kind of like, well, I might have been the only one that was caught, but how would I even compete if everyone's on steroids? So a similar idea. I mean, I just think that the gambling thing, everyone's probably doing it. It's just the level of blatancy that they're doing it with. So you know firsthand that you could walk through a process that looks like you're going to be stuck and be overwhelmed by making better choices. Talk to us a little bit about that. We've been talking about famous people or famous scandals that you read in the media about, but you don't have to be famous to feel like you're stuck in a situation where you might be misunderstood or maybe you made a choice. You're not misunderstood about, but you know, everybody thinks something even more so. You think that your reputation is just done because of it. It could be something in your community. It could be something within your marriage that people have found out about whatever it is. So I think it's a universal feeling, feeling stuck because you are in a situation that you're not living your best life. We talked about this before that you were on vacation and you were around some people and they were talking about that within their little society, within their neighborhood, that there was some type of scandal and they felt shamed within that group and that is a very common thing. Yeah, I was this group of women that were traveling. I was in the middle of the Caribbean somewhere and it was a group of women talking about a situation that was going back in Montecito, the shame or the anger depending on who you spoke to within that group, they were still talking about it. And the woman who was in the center of this scandal was just someone who was involved in an extramarital affair and went in the community, hated her. She ended up marrying him and I guess the daughter was getting married or something was the end of the story, but they were talking about how difficult it was to like her because then the ex-wife would be upset and how she actually was a really nice woman and when you got to know her, you felt for her because of her own issues and her own marriage that she ended up getting out of. So anyways, without digressing into that rabbit hole, just sit there in a pool and listen to the gossip of a small community that was being so infected by this one scandal that of course no one else knows about besides this had gone across the country. And this little pool where we are talking about it and it occurred to me, this is just a small thing magnified, but when you're a celebrity or it's a scandal, how much more magnified is that? But it's happening everywhere and everyone knows that feeling of making a mistake or being misunderstood and how do you get out of that? Because that woman, she was explaining, felt stuck. She felt embarrassed. She felt like you could tell that her head was down. I know that feeling where you think everyone's talking about you or they're just not going to like you because you've made this mistake or you've been involved in something and feeling like your life is just never going to change or that's going to be your asterisk. Yeah. Whatever the word is haunting. It can haunt you and the work is getting out of that because they might be stuck in it, but you can be stuck in it. See a take that I have on you is that you went from really being labeled and people misunderstanding you as we talk about with the podcast, but they picked on the wrong person because you are so damn resilient from the things you went through in your childhood to literally being almost part of a cult and having to fight your way through that through what happened in 9-11 that will touch on in a little bit through so many challenges being stereotyped for being a beautiful woman in a man's world in the night life world. This Rachel you could tell that walks in now into this studio is like a whole different person like you have your stride back, you have your energy back. I don't even know if you've had it at this level that you have it now. So tell me what got you to the point where I see this stride that you have. Well, it's so nice that you call me a survivor or that I'm resilient. But it's funny when you're in the moment, you don't feel that way. You feel like your whole world is crashing. The lesson in it is learning how you get out every time because you could go through 15 different things and say, why does my life suck? Why are all these things happening to me? Why do I feel like I can't get to that next step or can't get out of this hole? Literally don't want to get out of my bed. The lesson in that is getting out of the bed. The lesson in that is climbing out of that barrel and seeing sunlight again and figuring out those steps one by one because the next time something happens, you'll say, oh, I know how to do this. This is super easy. I talk about this all the time. I always say it's wax on wax off like Arati. You might not know why you're going through certain things in life, but they're all lessons. So one day something will happen and you know how to make all these moves because you got through it before and you're like, oh, this is so simple. I didn't need to go to college for this. I didn't need to have any sort of education. I had life education. I know how to get through this one terrible crisis because I have the skills. So there's no reason to let a good scandal crisis mistake go to waste because it's good life lessons and it builds your confidence. To move forward, you also have to realize that at some point, you have to be honest with yourself. That was another stage that I think a lot of people miss or skip. It's been a lot of time and trust me, I've done it too. So good. Denying, defending, making up half truths. The only way you're going to move through past around is to just admit to everything. Yes. Whether you're not you've made it to a group to yourself, however you want to do it is fine. But to say, all right, look, here's my responsibility in it. Do this as a writing assignment. Yeah. I think it's important for you to know like what was my responsibility in this and why was that wrong? And when you finally can look inside lights off, laying on the pillow and be like, I'm not a terrible person, but I made a mistake. And here's a good wrong. And here's what I will never do again. Something as simple as you heard people apologizing all the time. I think about this with my 13 year old daughter. She's always doing shit. I apologize. And I'm like, why it, you know, if you're just going to do it thinking you can just apologize later, you're not learning anything. You're not getting anything from this. You got to make the change somewhere. Yeah. So again, I think that taking the responsibility and knowing where you went wrong when you went wrong to go right is really important in there. So that was another step. So I have to stop you there because I think that that is probably the most positive and powerful things that you do that I do not see in even powerful people that I life coach. Most people want to fix the blame rather than fix the problem. Tell me how only half of it's my fault when you have gone through things, you have owned it at 100% like shit that probably wasn't a great decision. That says a lot. And I really mean that with all my heart. And I think that for those that don't understand, you were involved in one of the biggest stories that we had going in in America where you had a relationship with a man that was married. Now, what some people don't understand is all the opportunities you turned down from other men. Oh, true. No, but no, you need to think about this. Yeah. Okay, it's like there was this one pastor who told a friend of mine who's quite good looking. He's an actor. The pastor said, you got to really watch this. I noticed when I came to see your play, there were a lot of women that were there in the back room. And when I'm under temptation, I just stay close to my wife and I just stay close. And my friend, who's very attractive, said, the women that go after you, those ones I could pass up to. That's hysterical. Okay, but do you get my point? I totally get it. Okay, because the temptation, listen, I worked in a world way back when where I ran the number one nightclub in the world. And my job was to be the liaison for the high rollers and the celebrities. So I've met everybody. So sure, I've been around people and I've been through things or around things again with different people. But I did make a mistake and I was aware that someone was married and I made the choice to be in that relationship. And it obviously was terrible in the way that the aftermath of that. I wasn't thinking about it when I was in it. The aftermath was amplified because it wasn't just any extramarital affair. It was an affair with extramarital affair with the most well-known, I mean, probably more so than the president at the time. Everyone knew him and he was beloved, right? Yeah. So I was the monster in that scenario because he has to have one. And that was devastating to me as a person because, whereas I made a choice. I also was very misunderstood on my intentions who I was, what was happening. And that, the after effect of that was what the terrible part was for me. I had to learn a lesson from doing something wrong. And to go back to what we were talking about, part of learning is also you get some very bad qualities from it. I learned a lot from being in that school that was occult. And I have some very good qualities from that. But there are bad qualities you get from going through these things. I'm very guarded. I have very serious boundaries. If somebody disappoints me, I don't really forgive and come back. I am a little bit ice cold with people that maybe I shouldn't be. I am all about the underdog, but I'm not impressed by many people who probably have gone through lots of stuff. A big story to tell, but it doesn't sway me one way or the other. I am definitely very empathetic, but I don't let it affect me. So I seem and do feel cold and I'm very sheltered where I have a big life, a big show. I talked to a lot of people. I know a lot of people. I am very much a recluse. And that is a negative from being involved in so many things that I felt misunderstood and from allowing myself to feel misunderstood for the greater part of my life. I mean, now I'm coming out of it, but it still affects me on a daily basis. I have to remind myself to continue forward to not get shy in certain circumstances or whatever it is because there are people that know me. My name will walk into a room before I do still sometimes. I'm believing that you're enjoying this podcast, the Miracle Mentality. And so the best way to help other people is to share it with a friend, a family member, even a colleague. You record on getting the right types of guests that will make your life go from the mundane, the messy, the madness into the Miracle Mentality. Don't forget your mindset is yours to set. So make sure and share this with someone else. And then tag me at Tim's Story Official. That's Tim's Story Official. Thank you for making this one of the most listened to and watched podcasts out there in the world. And guess what? Get ready for miracles to come your way. Yeah. So interesting thing happened to me one time is that I'd say 10 years ago, I used to upgrade on miles in this one particular time. It was a long flight. It was going to be L.A. to Miami. So I'm sitting in first class because they've upgraded me on miles. And then a flight attendant very nice comes up and goes, Mr. Story, I'm so sorry. The person who purchased the seat has now shown up. It was late for a flight and we are going to have to put you in coach. So I said, OK, well, I didn't know what seat in coach. It was the last seat in the middle. Oh, God. And the toilet is right here. So I go from the third row aisle, which is super nice all the way that I'm going to go five and a half hours to now I'm in the damn center seat. It's almost what life tried to do to you because when I knew of you, I always saw the beauty of always had style friends of mine there in the business would talk about who you are and what you did in Las Vegas. And then I then remember TMZ chasing you through airports and you're just being shy. Did you ever feel like you were in the first class and then they put you to the back of the plane in the center seat next to the toilet? 100%. The feeling of it is shame. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I just feel like I know that so well. But the thing about it is that going back there throws you off. You lose every bit of your credibility that you may have worked on your whole life. So again, you make a mistake that you feel like that encompasses your whole life. It's just one mistake, right? So for me, that sense of losing power, losing credibility, the shame, the loss of voice is kind of what that reminds me of and talking about it. But I want to harp on credibility for one second because I worked in a field where I had a major voice. I had a voice as strong as any man in a field where I was dealing with the most powerful people and they would do what I said and they trusted me. And to lose trust, to have people be like, I don't want to associate with you, you're a bad luck. That kind of thing. How do you rebuild that? People trusted me to keep their secrets and now my secret was out. I mean, I was just down here. And still, you know, just even talking about it gives me a little bit of a neck pain because it physically reminds me how hard I have had to work in the last 25 years since 9-11 and having some people see me in a certain way all the way to now. It's like it has taken so much work and 15 years of that was just finding myself, figuring out that I don't have to hide and lose my voice. But then figuring out how to gain credibility and work for credibility again is what kept me silent and pinned as a discount version of myself for a really long time because I didn't think what I said mattered. I didn't know how to find a purpose, you know? So I know that's all that answer is wrapped up in a lot of things, but that is my experience. It's a powerful answer. So I think that when we're little, we think that life's going to be more alignment. Like there's going to be, as I say, alignment to your assignment. And then you find out that life truly is a lot of delays, detours, distractions and sometimes devastation. So in your case, yours became a devastation that could have just stayed there. Right. So at your lowest point, what were some thoughts that were going through your mind of what you would do with yourself? Is beautiful as you are and as smart as you are because you are like smart, smart, smart, smart, great business woman, what was one of the lowest thoughts you had about what you might do to yourself or with yourself? Well, people have talked to me about this before and had a conversation about suicide. I'm too much of a coward. And at the time, I had two dogs that I had gotten, you know, about from 9-11, that I was convinced nobody could take care of the way that I took care of them. Yes. Honestly, my dogs were the reason that I did not find the courage. I know that sounds terrible. It's amazing. Say it. Yeah. But to kill myself, I wanted to start there. But to say that it wasn't super dark and I didn't feel like I had any friends, I didn't know who I could trust. I didn't know who to talk to because I've been in two situations, I mean more than that, but two situations that I could say to you, I can't just have a normal conversation because they won't get it. Even though I was talking to therapists about 9-11, unless you have been through losing your fiance as a young girl to terrorists in the middle of a situation like 9-11, people can be sad for you. They can be like, oh my God, it's not the same thing. Talk to someone who's lost a wife, a husband, a kid, it's different. They get it. But there weren't a lot of those that had been through where I was. And then to be involved in one of the biggest sex scandals of our time, you know, my girlfriends thinking it's so cool and fun or thinking I was embarrassing to be seen with because of the press that came with it. It was very dark and lonely and I can recall numerous times that I had to leave situations. I was on a trip in Jackson Hole with four of my girlfriends. We ran into some guys who were on their version of a trip and the girls wanted to hook up with them later in the night to meet up. And I felt like there was going to be some press involved. I just knew I would get caught, sit with some guy who probably was married. I wanted no part of it. And the girls and I got into this fight because they were like, why do you think that people care? Why do you think you're so important? But they didn't get that for me. I didn't think it was important. I didn't think people cared. I thought that they cared about making me fall as hard as they can because that was a story that the press wanted to hear. And that's what the people wanted to hear. So interesting. Yeah. How terrible is Rachel's life? Let me see what happened to that girl. She's still this big whore ruining men's life, whatever it was. So I didn't talk to some of my closest friends for three or four years because they didn't get it. And I was like, I'm going to get out of this room. I stayed in this really nice, expensive hotel by myself for the rest of the trip and flew home because I chose to become a recluse because I didn't feel like people understood how hard being misunderstood was. Yeah. How that feeling of being lonely. And I didn't want to meet anyone new. Oh, who are you? What do you do? Well, I don't do anything because I can't get a job. And oh, you're Rachel, you could tell, oh, shit, what's that person like? It was really hard to get out of that. I spent like a good seven years in that position and not knowing who I was, not knowing how I was going to get out of it. So to get back to your question, the darkest of the dark was just feeling like I had no way out and that there was no way out. I was at a conference that you held. Yeah. Someone got up and talked about the people that really are able to survive are people that know that it'll pass. I have that tattoo on it. Oh, yeah. And the ones that never get out of it and don't survive are ones that think it's the end. There's just no way that they're going to get passed whatever they're in. Yes. As I said earlier, I think the lesson is in the scandal, in the downfall, in the terrible times, so living it, but know that it is going to pass. Just like I firmly believe from the tattoo on my arm, the good times are going to pass. So you have to marinate in those, be in the moment, not on your phone, doing whatever, talking about what's going to happen next week when you're so popular and famous and you're doing so well or you got promoted, be in the moment because they all pass. Yes. So interesting thing in the world that I live in in counseling and then speaking is that what the world is looking for is authenticity. And that's what you have brought from the very beginning. So when you spoke in Bel Air at an event, it's like the room just stopped. So whether they knew some of your story, half of your story, all of your story, or none of your story, you stopped the room because not only do you have a gift, but you have answers. You're giving answers and you're being extremely honest. So that is now opening up doors for you in the speaking, in the writing of the books, and all the different things that you're going to be doing. So who are you after? What's your target group when you're going to speak to these people? Who do you think your target group is going to be? Well, my target group is anyone that's listening. I mean, everyone has felt stuck or like they have a story that they haven't been able to word or get out, right? I mean, I loved being at your event because it was a room full of 50 random people all from different walks of life. A long guy stands up and talks about how he feels like such a loser because he's dyslexic. Well, had he not said that? No one would have thought of that. They would be like, oh, this great looking guy, not a care in the world. What's his problem? What does he? But the communication and the act of everyone sharing their story is what makes people vulnerable and it's what allows you to get out of that discount version of yourself. Yes. Because all of us, no matter if you're CEO or you're the most famous person, but you have a million insecurities in your own head. And most of them boil down to, I'm not good enough for what I am going to say is not going to be good enough for the story I've had in the past is boring and not good enough. Whatever you think, everyone else thinks that too. About something in their life. So being able to go one-on-one with people or speak in a group like that was so amazing and I loved it because everybody is my target audience. Yes. I think you said Rachel, get involved and give this guy your thoughts on it. And I was just like, why does that matter? Who cares? If you're dyslexic, all right, don't read something. Right. I remember. Like, you just have to find the things you're good at. Why are you harping on things that you're not good at? And it was so easy for me to see that. I don't have to be a doctor to know no one cares that you're dyslexic. You seem like a great guy. You're going to get married. You're going to find someone. You're going to get a job. The things you don't do, okay, work on it a little bit, but put that to the side and find the things that you're good at. The thing that I love that you're doing is you're not trying to overcompensate for a wrong that you have done. But a lot of people do if they don't feel like they've been forgiven. They don't forgive, forget, and go forward. So they retain, remember, and they regress. So what you are doing is you are saying, you know what? I forgive myself. So therefore, if you don't get it fine, because I know my opinion of me and I'm moving forward. And I think that's part of the boldness that I sense in the energy when you walk in a room, how you handle yourself, how you carry yourself. And this is one reason why men and women are listening to you. Because you're not playing hide and seek like please like me. Please vote for me. No, you're like, I voted for my damn self. And I'm moving on. I love that you bring that up because it's something you started off this interview with where you talk about Sally Field and her acceptance speech. Yeah. And I really like me. That always brings me to tears. I love her and I love that speech. And I think the only difference between me and some other people is that I have learned that I really only care about what I think. Of course, I want to make sure that I'm presentable and then I'm kind and then I do all the right things. But at the end of the day, if everyone in the room does not like me, I really don't care. Because I know the important people do. I want to be understood for sure, but only by the people that I let into my life. Because you're so much more valuable when you have that small group of people that really know you. Why do you need everyone to like you? If they all like you, then they probably don't know you because they don't know all the things that you can do. I can be terrible. I'm sure. Which my fiance will tell you. But someone who really knows you is what I'm going for. Right? Yeah. The confidence in myself to say, when am I getting uncomfortable that I'm trying to please the room or please other people because then that's not being authentic anymore. Yes. Let's make the transition of your marry my friend, Dan, who is a businessman, he's a thinker, he's a man. He's like a real man. He's a leader. So how have you been able to make room for Dan when many men have not been able to play that role for you? And you had to play the role. Yeah, we've talked about this in the past that I felt like I had a life interrupted. I was always looking for that superhero or a cancer to like catch me before I fell. Have been in enough hardships. Let's call them that I've learned that I'm the only person I can trust. That's had some bad qualities that came with it because I'm very alpha. Now I don't mind being alpha. I like it. I will always be alpha. But I think finding someone that I changed what I was looking for and actually I wasn't looking at that time. I made it very difficult for him to get to the point where we were actually dating and for me to actually get to know him, I think I took a longer time than I would have because I thought I was looking for something and then I thought, oh, I don't need anybody. I'm fine. And he came along and then I saw as a friend his good qualities. So I think all my girlfriends who are single are so set on. Here's what I'm looking for. Here's what my perfect picture is. Or girlfriend of mine just wrote me last night. Everyone she meets is an alpha and they're all terrible. They're all me and narcissistic. And I was like, but that's not even true. I get it because that's what I thought. But listen, I think first and foremost, we were friends and then started it off. And I knew him for three years. I met him on a dating app three years before. And we never actually physically met. We just spoke on the phone. So it wasn't this rush to like, I need to date somebody. I'm on a date so we're either in or we're out. It just wasn't like that. And I think this time around the reason why it did work is because I'm a different person than I may have been two years ago or eight years ago or 15 years ago. I am okay alone. So the addition of having someone in my life is a plus. It's totally something that I was surprised about. I was surprised that with every day I could let go of having that male energy more and more. So even though he would tell you, I'm over the top with my male energy and handling everything and being all over him or whatever, I also know that if I wanted to be in my feminine, which I try to do more, that that doesn't offend him. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make him think that I'm not being helpful. You know, I grew up in an household, I was thinking about this the other day where my mom was a boss also and she constantly told everybody how busy she was. So if I'm not busy, I feel like I'm a waste. Yeah. I'm wasting the day. And that's a negative. I definitely think there's something to be said for a female being in their in their feminine energy, finding what makes them happy, but also you don't have to fill up your time with all sorts of nonsense just to not settle in the moment you're in. So here's a thought for people watching or listening because a lot of people have felt this way. So I'm wondering, are you finally making place for the right man to come in and be the man in the relationship because it was always there in you, but you were not able to let yourself be vulnerable because you had to step up. Or is it something that you had to learn for the first time? I think there's both aspects to it. Again, I was talking to somebody at the conference, I was out with you. She's a beautiful woman. She has all these things going for her, which you can't find a boyfriend. I think for me, when you're really looking for something, I have to be honest with myself, I don't know what the hell I was looking for. I just wanted somebody to like save the day. Yeah. And I wasn't in the right place to be saved because I didn't know what the hell I was going through and what the chaos was and whether for women, the issue is they just want somebody to support them or they want somebody to handle everything for them or they're just dying to get married because they think it's the right time in their life. And they have to get married, they have to have a kid, whatever. If you set all that stuff aside and you really just look for someone who's accretive to the situation, who's part of the deal, who like gets you and you really enjoy sending time and there's no rush to it. Again, going back to everything happens for a reason, don't force it, be who you are. Yeah. Like if I started dating somebody in a time where for me, this is not everybody. If I didn't have a job, if I didn't know what I was doing, if I was really struggling, it's not the time to date me either because I'm just going to use that person to help me figure that out. Yeah. I feel like I was in the best place when I happened to meet him because I didn't need anything to complete me. The fact that he completes me is like the best part of the thing, which is why I knew that he was a person I was going to marry because whatever I end up doing, I now know who I am. I don't need him to tell me who I am. I don't need the credibility of being with him to define that I'm worthy of marrying. I know I'm worthy of marrying. Yes. So I know that if it didn't happen with him, I was worthy of that. And I think that's something that women struggle with. It's a very powerful story because I think that a lot of even men that did not have to love from their fathers, they become narcissists, assholes. And that's a lot of guys that I coach and I try to bring them out of that. Well, also, and I'm wondering, it's a question for you. These guys who have that personality, if they're just overcompensating because they think that's what a man is. You know, I think the misconception is to be manly and to be alpha, you kind of got to be a dick. And that's just not the case. That is 100% it. And we're younger. It's maybe through sports or dominating or dating a lot of women. But now there's other ways to do it. And that's by the cars we drive, the money we make, the girl on your arm. The girl on your arm, right? And so I see the overcompensation, but also see the big giant damn void in their life. They will never be filled. Yeah. Okay. What I do see by being around you and Dan is that I see in you, one of my best friends, the void has really been filled. And to be honest with you, it's almost a little bit surprising. Like if we'll be at dinner and then I don't know where you just grab his hand. I'm like, that's a new one. Right. Because I'm not very affectionate. I mean, I am, but I'm not. Yeah. You know that. Yeah. No, it's different. It's a different version of me. And maybe it took me 50 years to get there. Maybe I did the work. Maybe he was just the right person. I'm not sure. It's probably a mixture of all of it. But I think it works because it again adds to my life. And because that's the thing too that I personally have struggled with. The essence of me not feeling known yet the whole world acts like they think they know me. Mm-hmm. Whereas this one person and just my close friends really do know me and appreciate me and want to see me grow. I mean, this is the end, right? That's the other problem that I think people end up having. They get to a certain spot. And they're like, well, this is it. I got married. I had a kid, whatever that benchmark is for them. And then they either get depressed, like, well, what's next? Or they think this is it and they can plateau and don't do anything more with their lives. That's all really dangerous. Yeah. Like, whether or not, and God willing, my life works out with Dan, I will always be striving to find another project, do something else, find myself in a different way. And hopefully that's with the partner. Because to have a witness to your life is fucking awesome. And that's what I've always wanted. Yeah, I agree. But I think Dan understands that. And I think part of that is the calling will always call us. Yeah. So your calling is calling you. And I think that your calling is taking you beyond what you ever imagined that it was going to go to. Because if you look at a lot of the people that you grew up with, they are not really in the limelight. They are just many times living obscure lives. And they did not want to be obscure where you just keep shining bright. So let's go there for a second. The podcast is doing so well. Part of it is you're still number one. And part of the reason is the fact that you're being so honest and you're willing to dig deep with your guests. I see that. And that was one thing that was great about Larry King. He would cultivate a question. He would go deeper, deeper, deeper. And you're really getting to the bottom of things. Yeah. So we have the podcast. We have the book that's going to come out. What are your thoughts on maybe when your book will come out? I think it'll be in the beginning of next year. I'm going to go on the final edit. And I don't want it to come out before I think it's perfect. Yeah. So many people for a long time said you got to do a memoir of your life. And there is so much to talk about. But this book that I'm coming out with is really more about something that can, I hate to use the word self-help, but something that can really touch people in the way that they can learn from it. And there is a little bit of help to it because I didn't want to miss the opportunity to talk to people about these are everyday things that you can do to change this feeling of shame, being misunderstood, being branded, because here's how I did it. So I sprinkle in my experiences with it as the expert. Yeah. And I have to go to school to know what all these things are like, but I'm the one that gets you, right? So that's what the book is. And on things to realize we are all in the same boat no matter who we are. It's okay. And how to get out of feeling like being stuck. Yes. And I think it will resonate with so many people because everyone at some point and probably today feels to talk about one thing or another, whether it's their relationship with their parent or their work or how they're being represented and their narrative that's being told for them or the mistakes they've made that they don't know how to get away from. You know, so I'm loving writing it. It's hard for me. You know, there's that stop and go. And you're a very good writer. Thank you. But when you write a book, you know, like sometimes you'll write chapters and you'll go back and read it and you'll just throw the whole thing out. At least that's what I'm doing. Because I'm, wait, this isn't on us. There's a hint of it in there, but it's not the whole thing. And for me, I find my process has been to just say, okay, I'm scrapping that whole thing. Let me start over from scratch and see where I get with it. And each time that I've done that, it's been better and better because I know myself more and I know the content better. Yeah. So as we wind down, I wanted to just say that I remember having to talk with Elizabeth Gilbert because we were on a tour together with Oprah Winfrey. And she was talking to me about Eat, Pray Love. So she wrote it. It was almost like a diary, slash, just writing thoughts. And then she was telling me Tim, could you imagine that I wrote this book? I was just finding myself going through this journey. And then one day I find out that Julie Roberts is going to play me in a dog movie, just wild. And I think it's going to get interesting on how many people are trying to find themselves. It's feel misunderstood of what comes out of your story because I don't think we've properly really, really told it in your own documentary or many series or movie or what. And I don't even think it's something you need to chase after. I think it's just something that's going to happen for you. I want to just say how proud of you I am that you have not settled for just being okay because a lot of people wanted you to just be okay. Just be okay, your wife's mother. Just be okay. You have enough money. Just be okay. But that's not in you at all. No. And the one thing I just want to say that I thought of when you were talking is that everyone at some point has been on a mission to find themselves and one way or another. I remember I'm 50 now. I remember being in my 20s before I met Andy, my fiance and after going on trips by myself to Morocco to Prague on like these biking trips to find myself because there was a sense of not depression, but it was sense of there's got to be more or I need to meet a guy and I'm not. So maybe it's not New York City or whatever, whatever my issue was. And I would go on all these trips and through the years of doing this, I realized the lesson in it as I talk about finding lesson in the down times was that I'm my own common denominator. Yeah. Better like myself because if I don't, if I don't have the skills to get from one place to the other, I know 20 year olds, 25 year olds who don't know how to like get on a plane and if I don't know how to actually travel and do these cool things on my own, what kind of a partner will I be? How will I handle myself? So as I've gotten older, I looked back on it and I realized, God, all that time I was looking for something. I was looking for myself, you know, saying in quotes, all I had to do was look inside. All I had to do was figure out what am I missing? What am I not loving about myself? What am I not loving about my life? And change it and literally just change it. The fear is in the not doing anything and you waste so much time sitting around not making that choice. Get uncomfortable. It's the worst that can happen. I mean, barring doing something that you're going to get hurt with, but make that change. Do it today. Because tomorrow's another day wasted. And to me, that was the biggest lesson in finding myself, finding the steps to get out of being stuck because being uncomfortable is the first step of your second chance. Yeah. Well, you become a problem solver. So talking to Rachel, you could tell best way for people to follow you would be which way? Well, you can listen to my podcast anywhere that you get podcasts. It's called misunderstood with Rachel. You could tell spelled my SS understood. Also, I'm active on Instagram. It's Rachel. You could tell NYC. I try to read my DMs all the time and our website is misunderstood podcast.com. It tells about upcoming guests. Yes. And it lists all of our past guests. And we have so many interesting people coming up. So many people, if you haven't found our podcast yet, you could sit around for a year. Yes. To catch up. Agreed. Agreed. So many good people. Know their name, which you'll know a lot of the names. You'll be floored to hear some of their stories straight from their mouth. And then I have some ordinary people with incredible, extraordinary stories that you won't be able to stop listening to because they're just as important. So make sure to watch the podcast. I also want to say last thing is if you have events, if you have conferences, they can reach out to you through a website or what's the best way. Yes. So I have a website misunderstood podcast and we do have a company called Miss You Media where we do podcasts for other people. We produce them. We promote them. We do media for people. So all of that is part of Miss Understood podcast. And thank you for willing to do that because that is a task. You got to get on the airplane sometimes and go speak places. But I think that your gift and your message is helping so many people. So it's a privilege to watch the growth and I'm glad you have Dan. How many dogs do we have now? Three. We have three dogs. Thank you for our four. And then we have children and an amazing house and many great things to come and we'll talk about that another time. Yeah. And I'm so honored that you will be efficient at my wedding. Yes. And it's so special to me. And as I said throughout this show, I really have a very small network of people. That know me and you are one of a handful of people who is literally his family. And that's time I mention you people, you know, talk about your name. Like you're such a famous celebrity. Oh my god. You don't know that. And even when I first mentioned you to Dan, like, oh gosh. And the fact that you are so close to me and I'm so close to you. And not we're so close. You got me out of such a dark time. I don't even know why or how. You know, it was like, it's just an automatic friendship because people have to pay for your services. And like, you've never asked me for that. And it's just been such an amazing thing that you brought me along on this path and on this ride with you and believed in me when I had no one that believed in me. It is a privilege. So now only do I get to officially at the wedding. I'm also walking you and taking that position of the man and walking you into the arms of an amazing friend, Dan. I'm so excited about what's going to happen between you and the future. Okay. So I told you this would be one of our favorite podcasts. So the Miracle mentality is working, guys. I just feel like people are working through things. And what Rachel was talking about today is so powerful. So make sure and tell a friend to watch this podcast. She'd also follow hers misunderstood. She gave you all the information. And if you're looking for a great speaker for so many great conferences out there, reach out to her. She's fantastic. And as I often tell you, you may not be what you want to be, but then God you're not what you used to be. You've come a long way and life is still good. Thank you for sharing space with me on this episode of Miracle mentality with Tim Story. If today sparked your courage or helped you understand why you're created for success, I invite you to carry that Miracle mentality forward. Visit me at TimStory.com. That story with an EY on the end. Until next time, walk by faith, embrace possibility and create your own comeback story.