#743 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE DEROSA

! Howdy this is Red Rat Company Live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony! It's Glenn! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Mixed Roofs with Ryan Red Band! Oh my God! And that right there is indeed the best band in the land. Make some noise for Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anatoz Valgarande, Ouevos Rancheros, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and believe it or not, live in the flesh, that is de-madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God! This episode is brought to you by PrizePixQuo and Shopify. Such a fun episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? I book this thing every single week. This one's for the boys, this one's for the fucking pigs, this one's for the fucking homies. Yeah. You guys like that. Let's just do it. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best comedians, two of our favorite brands. Make some fucking noise for Joe DeRosa and Louis J Gomez! Oh yeah, baby. Let's go. Both of them have brand new specials on YouTube. Right now, I never promised you a rose garden is what a lot of people are saying is the best stand up special of the year by the great Joe DeRosa. He's also on tourjotaroosa.com. Louis's special is out. You're making this worse. Louis J Gomez comedy on YouTube. Of course, one of the founding fathers of the Legion of Skanks, which is right around the corner, Skankfest 2025 in New Orleans, Louisiana, one of my least favorite cities. But I'm going there to drink myself into oblivion just for you. I'm happy to be here, Tony. One of the best live experiences in the world. How are you guys feeling tonight? Good? Thank you for having me and thanks for coming back to Skankfest. Both of you guys this year is going to be a blast. We are going to have a blast. We're not doing a Kill Tony there, but we're going to have a lot of fun. We're no longer doing Kill Tony at that dilapidated... ...drudge. It's the most fun festival in all of comedy, but we've outgrown you. Tony says this every year to me, but every year I convince Tony to do a secret Kill Tony at Skankfest. Every year. I swear to God, mark my words. It's not happening again. But no, we love each other. We always have fun. Louis is the man. Welcome back to Austin, Texas. Your show Tuesday sold out, right? Thursday. Thursday. Story Wars right here. Oh yeah. Perfect. Yep. Sold out. Perfect. Fantastic. Welcome. One more time for Louis. Chodorosa is back. I'm also going to be at Skankfest, despite Louis turning his back to me completely. Talking to the other two people that are going to be there. I have not outgrown the festival. I just don't really want to go, to be honest. What are you going to do? New Orleans. Yeah, exactly. It's a fantastic place to drink yourself into oblivion while trying to forget the fact that it's a graveyard of flooding and sadness. It really is a dark place. It really is. And it's one of those cities that looks like Dracula after 5pm, no matter where you are. Just fog, rolls across the roads, ghouls, inspectors everywhere. And these are just the people at Skankfest folks. That's the lineup. Alright, you guys know how it works. Fun fact, I do believe Louis has the record since Brody killed himself. I do believe Louis has the... You guys say it like it does... Oh, Jesus. That's not even how he did it. Don't you have a hanging sound effect on there? Here it is, red band looking forever. Here's your set. Oh my gosh. Alright, Jesus. Whoa. Whoa. Yes. Red band. Hit the button that says Robin Williams. That'll be the... Alright, alright, alright. So you guys know two of the most used guests in the history of the show were 300 souls crammed together in a bar next door, hoping and praying that we pull their name out of this bucket. I'm gonna let this... What appears to be a pure dying alcohol, like, pick the first name. This guy has complete liver failure. And he picked the first name. That's how lucky he is. Oh, wow, look at that. You did a good job. While we wrangle that person who's actually in the room and very close to us because she's very close to our hearts, I'm going to... I'm gonna bring up a special treat. This guy actually... Oh, yeah. They get 60 seconds each and another time is up in the other sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So this guy that's going up first tonight, that's doing the first minute here tonight, actually won this spot on an episode of The Legion of Skanks. When I was in New York City, right after I did stand up and to kill Tony at Madison Square Garden, because that's what I do when I go to New York City. I do Madison Square Garden and then I get on a flight and come back here, but I stayed extra long. When I come to Austin, I do the creek in the creek. Pretty sweet. The garden, the creek, it's all nature, you know what I mean? But this guy is one of the interns at The Legion of Skanks. He did impress us with his minute on a fake, goofy episode, short little episode at Kill Tony that we did on The Legion of Skanks episode. I know this is all very confusing for you, but no reason to overthink it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian doing a minute tonight goes by the name of Josh Sussman, everybody. Here we go. The show has begun. The intern, Josh Sussman. So I was adopted at six years old and adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It's mostly leftovers. I mean, your choices are typically dark or darker. Never any white chocolate. It's fine. But lately I've been really connected with my roots, right? Like, I've been working on my impressions. This is an impression of LGBT MLK. I had a dream. That dream was pretty gay. It was a gay dream. It's not great. It was not great. But, you know, I've worked a lot of strange jobs as well. I used to work with mentally handicapped orphans. It's a true story. And now I work with The Legion of Skanks. Some things never change. Alright, Jeff Sussman. Wow, really showing off some of that amazing comedy that you've learned from your mentor, Louis J. Gomez. I mean, absolutely. Josh, what the fuck was that? You're going to come on one of the biggest podcasts in the world representing The Legion of Skanks with that whore shit? Yeah, Josh, you know, they told me upstairs that I'd remember you from your weird face. And I said, I'm not going to make fun of his face. And then he did that set. I'm going to make fun of your face. Goddamn, D-Magnus, be happy. God has blessed you. I mean, it is haunting. It is incredible. Lisa makes Halloween easy for you this week. What do you do for Halloween? Sometimes a little bit of face paint. That's about it. Right. Okay. Very interesting. What happened to it? Did anything ever happen? Were you ever in a horseback riding accident or something? Or is that all natural? Well, my birth mother did a lot of cracks. So that helps. Absolutely. So your mother was the black one? Yes. Okay, that's good. He's Puerto Rican. He's allowed to ask those questions. You look like, you know, when they make a bio pic about somebody and a good-looking person plays the guy, and then you see the real guy. You look like, you look like if the movie was about you, but Michael Anthony played you in the movie. And then you'd be like, wait, that's the guy. Oh, geez. All right. Well, no. Thought that. All right, go fuck yourselves. Josh, do you do a lot of stand-up? I do. I do. How long you been doing it for? Three years. Three years. Did you really used to work with mentally ill? I did. What exactly? How did you end up with that job? I, it was... Did they bring you in to hide under their beds and scare them or something? Like a scared, strange situation. No, it was, there is a program in Peru, so they take all the orphans that people super don't want, the mentally and physically handicapped ones. Wow. And yeah, so I just, I spent a few weeks there building stuff. What were you building exactly? Just repairing. It was like a big orphanage. There's a lot of them in Peru, apparently. What were you doing in Peru? It was like, it was affiliated with like a mission strip and stuff. Mission strip. I grew up very religious. Oh wow, tell us more about that. Because when people see your face, they go, holy shit. Oh, Dios mí. Es la vorna. Where should we send this guy? Let me see his face. Per you. Oh, jeez. Per you. I liked, dude, I mean this sincerely. I liked, I'm adopted too. I met... Oh, my pal, Palinstin won us. Fuck you. At least mine got rid of me on purpose, not through neglect. I'm more mad at Michael. I'm more mad at Michael on that one. We're starting out in huge fucking bambis. At least mine didn't live two blocks away. Ouch. Ouch. God damn. That one actually hurt. Woo, I need an ice pack or something after that. God damn. It's true. My father didn't visit me very often and he lived two blocks away. Thank you, Joe. I'm so glad I shared that with you. It's one of my truly very close friends. Wow, just been holding on to that, huh? Just waiting for the right moment to strike down the dragon with your fucking evil slingshot of truth. Papa. Papa, where are you? Where are you? I really did... I thought he had an interesting take on adoption. I thought it was funny. Well, hopefully our other adopted listeners felt the same way. Josh, what else about your life? Tell us something interesting about you. Well, one of the strange things I've been learning is that I was adopted into a very strange family. So, for example, I'm a mixture of things. Like, I'm half black, quarter... it's mostly Spanish, and then a quarter Native American. And then my adopted dad is Jewish. Oh, wow. It gets worse. God, what's next? 30% Lucifer. I'm a 10% warlord. I recently found out that my grandfather, so he was Jewish, he was in Chicago, and he ended up becoming part of the mob, which was, I guess, the Italian mafia, which was a very strange thing. No, they need accountants, too. That makes sense. Italian mafia, toruously would bring in Jews to help them where they needed it. Or else they would just have invested all of their money into gold necklaces. All right, go ahead. And then I... yeah, so that I thought was interesting. Then my birth mom, of course, crack. Birth father, gone. Who knows, you know, naturally. And then my mom's side of the family are written houses, so straight shooters on that one. Wow. Amazing. Who molested you the best out of all of those? Red Band. Why would you... this is an innocent, adopted person. He's had a tough life, and then there you go asking questions like that when you're supposed to be just goofing around on the sound effect board. Who was your favorite molester? Were you ever molested? Um, not that I can recall, but I have six years. Oh, damn, they got you so good you blacked out? Holy shit. That's how you know that uncle has a strong mouth, dude, when you're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, man. You said it was like a box of chocolates. Everybody took a bite. So I actually... I can't remember the first six years of my life, so... who knows. Wow, do you ever have flashbacks or anything? Does nothing at all ever... No, I met a hypnotherapist once, just a friend of mine who offered. They offered to unlock those memories for me, but I was like, no thanks, I'm good. Keep it, keep it locked up. It was unlocked for a reason. Amazing. And then also on my mom's side I found out I have like four Olympians in that family, but I'm adopted, so no genetics for me. Wow, do you know what type of Olympians they were? Yeah. Oh my god, Jesus. Uh, swimming, diving, synchronized diving. Swimming and diving. This was the black side. Exactly, yeah. My mom tried, she tried to get me in. Right. Well, Josh, uh, frighteningly, a frighteningly rough performance, but the interview's great. You're a very likable guy, you wear that face well. I love that you enjoy the process and that you're smiling and enjoying yourself. That's really what it's all about. And while life may be so hard that you don't even remember the last six, first six years of your life, I like to think that your best days are ahead of you, my friend. Can I add one thing? Absolutely, go right ahead. You're 12% evil. All right. Well, this week actually marks a very special week for me because, so I actually, I spent the last seven years in Switzerland. That's where I started doing comedy. And I realized that if I want to take this comedy thing seriously, I've got to move to America, which means that I left behind, you know, the safety and security and all of that. Can we call an ice agent real quick, huh? You don't. All right, go ahead. Because my wife is Swiss. So that is why I was over there. Yeah, she smells like cheese. I wish your set was Gouda. And so when we... This is incredible. I'm getting word, I'm getting word, Louis has put you up for adoption. They're sending you to a different podcast to be an intern somewhere else. You've been picked up by... I don't fucking know. So basically... Okay. Yeah. Holy shit, Josh. Yeah, okay. All right. Anyways, long story short, it's been a dream come true coming here because I moved exactly a year ago. Are you going to cry, you homo? YouTube, he's going to fucking cry. Not gay if he cries. He's just a woman. So I just wanted to say thanks for the opportunity, of course. Of course. Josh, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. Come back sometime. Josh Sussman, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Josh. He's adopted and... And... He's got a face. Looks like the inside of a grilled cheese sandwich. All right. Wow. Let's not forget that the man with full-blown liver failure in the front row picked a very special name to get this show started. You know her as the queen of the horse noise, a woman that literally became a full-time fucking employee of everything that we do. One of my favorite people on planet Earth. And a rising comedian here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for a minute by the great Sarah Sloan. Hello, everyone. Hey, guys. I recently did one of those new things that I've never done before, which is getting in those waymo cars. Yeah, that was kind of cool. I get into the car and the computer turns on and asks me, where would you like to go? And so I was like, take me on an experience I've never been on before. So I took me on a date. I really hate when people brag about how many black friends they have. Like why are we bragging about how many bad friends we have? I've been working on other animal impressions. So I'm going to do a nasty and rude giraffe. Are you guys ready? All right. Hey, guys. I'm Taylor Swift. And I just released a new album. Wow. Sarah Sloan. Absolutely amazing, Sarah. Thank you. It's so fun. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. It's so fun. This fucking guy pulled you out of the boat. We don't ever get to see him. I spend days with Sarah, Monday through Friday, and I never get to see her sad or really talk about stand-up with you. We're always focused on my never-ending growing empire. And to get to see you, especially these last two times, absolutely crush. It's incredible because we just loved you for your horse noise and your story early on. And one of my favorite things is when people get pulled out of the bucket and we get to see their unbelievable growth. So one more time for Sarah Sloan. That was really good. Oh, thank you, Joe. Yeah, that Taylor Swift joke is great. Yeah. Seriously, it was all great, but that one's really, fuck her. That's a great one. It really is. It's amazing. And I do believe, weren't you here when that? It was my fucking idea for you to hire Sarah Sloan the last time I was here. I love you so much. Thank you. I love you so much. You better suck my cock after the show tonight. Wow. I don't take that L word lightly, OK? Now, Sarah, great. Honestly, the confidence, the last time I saw you, you did good. Those were fucking legitimately great jokes. Seriously, three bangers. Just like the confidence is through the roof. Was that from working on the show? I honestly, like, I know it sounds like a brown-nosing thing to say, but like, I think when you're around someone who like knows how to do it and is good at it, like, I think you're just naturally... Is Tony helping you out on your jokes? No. Like, he's... It's literally... Tony doesn't even look at her. Red Band, she said someone that's good at it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you bastard. Why? It's all love up here tonight. Oh, no, you son of a... Give me some love. Stop it. You son of a bitch. I used to think Red Band hated me actually whenever I first started working for you. That's actually... That's just his face. That's not that... Oh, shit. Look at this little cow-cow over here. Look at this sad cowboy. Oh, my God. Sarah, what else is going on in your life? Oh, man. I've been drinking too much coffee and it's been affecting some toilet stuff. Ooh, tell us more. It's actually because I get coffee for Tony every morning. That's part of my job duty. And so I naturally will get one for myself, but that means I'm drinking way more coffee than I ever used to and... A Red Band. Tony requires coffee that opens up his asshole. Let's just say that door never closes. You know what I'm saying? It's like an old Western in there. It's like a breeze bloweth. Swings both ways. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wow, wow. Hell yeah. 24 hours a day. So you've been drinking too much coffee. Yeah, because then I'll also have some drip coffee and then that, my maker makes like five cups. So I'm having like a latte on top of the five cups of coffee. At least I'm awake. You know what I'm saying? You're the best, Sarah. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about before I let you out of here? I don't know if this is actually interesting, but I've never told you this before. The only way I was allowed to get into the public school that I got into in a small town was my parents lied and said that I needed to be in English as a second language. Wow. Yeah. Amazing, fun fact. So I tested out in the third grade, but I was in all these classes with Mexicans. But you knew how to speak Spanish because your mom was? Yeah, so my mom, she's Panamanian. Panamanian. So yeah, like my whole life she's spoken in Spanish to me and I speak back in English. So yeah, our communication skills with each other really good. We get along really, no, actually I really love her. But yeah, yeah, so that's always something that I realized I had never told you before. But can I say one more thing? Yeah. Okay. So basically, I'm talking to a guy for the first time in my life. Whoa. Wow. Oh, she's dapping ladies and gentlemen, a 2011 specialty. You've never dated a guy before? Are you being serious? I'm not being funny. I'm really. No, I'm being serious. No, she really hasn't. Yeah. She's your first guy on Kill Tony. Yeah. And it was kind of forceful and aggressive. It was Michael Gonzalez. Oh. Kind of, kind of the only kiss in the history of the show that I could. It was a forceful kiss. I was going, well, they're not sending their best people up here. You know what I mean? I went, I went close mouth because I didn't know what I was doing because it was my first kiss ever in my whole life. I was 20, 27 years old and he went, he was like, like he went. Yeah. It was. It was my language. Yeah. I didn't know Spanish until after that kiss. Yeah. Look at that. Sarah Sloan, give us one horse noise for the road here. Oh, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the trademark. Wow. Unbelievable. This is Kill Tony. That is the great Sarah Sloan. Oh my God. Look at my boy Heidi. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Love on the line comes out every Tuesday. It's released her new podcast with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl, we're going to meet them all together. Looks like a new name to me. It's like some noise for Thomas Love Mountain, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. What's up? I just got a new cat. I just got my first cat actually. She's a beautiful orange cat named her macaroni after my favorite kind of necklace. Yeah. She's a great cat. I love it. But she's my first cat, so I'm still trying to figure out like how to raise her. So I decided to raise her the way that I was raised, you know. So like every morning I just call her a pussy and remind her I wanted a dog, you know. Yeah. No, but she's a good cat, you know. She's been doing this weird thing though where a macaroni has been throwing up a lot, which I think is weird because who does she need to look skinny for, right? You know? It's just weird. Is there like a Tomcat calling her Garfield or something? I don't know what's going on. But she is, she's doing, it is weird though because like before she throws up, she has like a different meow before she throws up, you know. Like usually when she throws up or before usually when she meows, she's like meow, you know, cats, right? But before she throws up, she kind of like revs it like that, you know. But before she like throws up, she kind of like revs it up like wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Which I don't know, it's weird, but like it is kind of comforting to know that even cats are like oh fuck no, no, no, no, oh fuck I'm gonna throw up. So I can just hold back her ears like I got you girl, come on, get it out. Get it out you pussy, you know. I'm talking to the mountain. Alright, Thomas LeMountain. Welcome to the show Thomas. Thanks for having me. It's your first time? This is my first time. I love it, a great set. How long have you been on stand up? Three and a half years now. Where at? Miami, Florida actually, but I'm from Nebraska. Okay, makes sense. How long good did you move to Miami? I moved to Miami, well I just moved here about three months ago, but I moved to Miami for modeling like four years ago. Okay, let's stop it right there. What type of modeling were you doing? Dude, anything that will give me money to be pretty I guess. So what? If you want like- That's the fucking plot of urban midnight cowboy shit. You got it? Yeah, yeah, you were selling your body in Miami. Pretty much, yeah. If you want me shirtless wearing a backpack and saying it's for a taxon, you got it, dude. You can't wear Harry Potter glasses and go, I moved to Miami for modeling. That's- what do you look like with these specs off? That's what I want to know. Whoa. Ooh, actually. Whoa. Not bad. Wow. Unbelievable. As the senior gay representative on this stage, I have to tell you, it's amazing. I'm shocked that you were able to make- how much money did you make modeling? Oh, not enough to make it full time, that's for sure. Yeah. Barely, I mean, it pays good, but it's only like, I get a job like maybe once a month and it'll be like a thousand bucks for a day. And then that guy comes and then what are you going to do? Yeah. But if he comes quickly, usually they kill hire me again, you know, it's nice. I get a lot of repeat customers. Yeah, every job ends with, you got any friends? Now on my knees, like, am I not enough? What's going on? Okay. What was the weirdest thing you ever got called in for? The shadiest modeling job? Did they ever have you do anything weird? I mean, nothing like- nothing crazy. Like I definitely- but like, Molly's weird because like you just go into like a warehouse and your agent will just be like, hey, go to this warehouse for this cast and you'll get there. They'll be like, take off your shirt and you have to. And then they'll be like, no, bye. And then you just leave. They pay- They never know what that's for. They give you a little money for that? No. So if you don't get it on the spot, you get nothing. Yeah, you go- it's like four, like almost like an audition thing. And then they'll be like, your body is not right for this, leave. And you go, okay. And then you have to like put your shirt back on in front of like a panel of you guys. Yeah. You have to do like the walk of shame. That's how women feel after we fuck them. Pretty much. Sometimes you have to do like these things called digitals, which is truly just you're in your underwear and you just have to like stand there, take a picture like this and like this and then like this. And then- You're trying to get a golden ticket from Tony right now. Joe DeRosa. I'm going to ask the question. I feel like we're all wondering- Go ahead. Can we pop this shirt off and see what he's got? I mean, I think we need to. Kino, give us that single spotlight here. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're wondering what a Nebraska supermodel looks like, he moved to my- Wow. I mean, yeah, they were right. Put it back on. It's not great. Wow. My goodness. Your nipples are too small for us. Yes. This is as you could tell. Yeah. His agent, his agent's like, they're looking for a Joe List type. I'm getting where the Matt Mueling thinks he's hotter than this model. Is it true, Matt? You want to take your shirt off? Oh, I think he does. I think he does. The normally very shy Matt Mueling is threatening to steal the show from a credited model. Thomas Little Mountain. Maybe a little faster, Matt. Maybe a little faster. This guy's- Take off your shirt. The show's gone, gang. Take off your shirt. This is a gay show. Whoa. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wow. Your nipples are so- This is Kill Tony, the gayest show on planet Earth. All right. Who's next, boys? Fernando Castillo. All right. I nominate Heidi. Heidi, get out of here. No, let's put a shirt on her. Let's give her a hoodie. Cover up, girl. All right, Thomas, how do you make money now? Right now, I'm actually- It's a shitty job. I work for CBS right now. Wait. Yeah, I don't like it either. What exactly is that? It's child protective shirts. Oh, hilarious. Wow. Yeah. Maybe you've met Joe DeRosa or Josh Sussman because- They thought he said CBS for a booing cold beer. Right, yeah. Yeah. He's a protective clerk. So what happens is like children who like were in foster care, they'll like ask for- Like Joe DeRosa. Like Joe, were you in foster care? No, I was just adopted. Yeah, no. They didn't want him lingering around. He went straight to a consumer. No, they- A farm-dump. They cut off ties. By the way, I was adopted at nine days. They got me the fuck out. Bad. Yeah, it was a hard cut-off. You're like a Nebraska model in Miami. I got a kid, we need to get you out of here. I can be honest, I'm not sure I'm an American citizen. So what exactly is a redacted clerk doing? So I pretty much get the entire case record for someone who was in foster care, and I have to read all the horrible things, and then I take out all the things that they're not entitled to see, and then I give it to them. But honestly, I don't think I should be entitled to see it either. So let me get this right. Yeah. There's a foster home that like- and they have like a report on the kid. So like, you know, like yeah, so like why were you adopted? Well, I mean, look at them. Why did your parents not want you? I'm sure everything was going really well on their end. Yeah, they fucked up. I don't know, I think they just, you know- He cried too much. He came out of the womb crying, and he never stopped crying. I can do my first adopted joke. Ask me if I ever look for my real parents. Have you ever looked for your real parents? No, I pretty much took the hint. Jodorosa, everybody. Thank you. That was my minute. Jodorosa comedy on YouTube. On YouTube? Okay, so can you give us an example of something that you had to redact that you wouldn't want a potential foster parent to see about a problem, the type of problem children that you're trying to push on people? It's mainly like the kids asking for like their records of why they were taken from their home. So it's a lot of like, I just get to read a lot about, you know, fun stuff like child abuse and people getting molested, and that's not great stuff. So you don't let them see what happened to them? No, they can see what happened to them, but they can't see like what happened to their siblings and stuff like that. Or like medical records. It's mostly like social security numbers that I take out, but I still get to read all the horrible stuff. Do you do the Shub shirtless? It is work from home, so yes. Wow. But you're like a publicist for babies kind of, like you're making- Do you want to say to the kids, I'm a model, I get rejection, I get it. No, but that's the thing too, why I don't think I should be doing this job, because when I send them back their case, I have to like put my name on the bottom so they could just like easily look up my name and see my Instagram where it just like stand-up clips and shirtless pictures of me. Right. And they'll be like, this guy redacted my shit? Yeah. This okay looking, okay fine guy. This Jeffrey Dahmer looking ass guy redacted my stuff. This guy who probably shouldn't be a model and is an okay joke writer. Too far. I want to compliment your stand-up for a second. I really do, because I thought it was very funny. But I really, I mean this, I really admired that you got the meow and you had the poise and the confidence to know you were going to land the rest of that joke before the second buzzer went off. Thank you. Well, I do got to tell you, I backed Red Band off of the berry. Very rare. Very rare that I do it, but I could tell that he was at the end of the thing. We gave him a four or five seconds. Didn't really. Appreciate you. Of course. It was blatantly the end of your material. What's your love life like? I got kind of like a little friends with benefits thing going on. It's his cat. Old macaroni, huh? Yeah. Great pussy. No wonder it's throwing up so often. So tell us about this friend with benefits. Where did you meet this friend? I met this friend in Miami, and then I was like, hey, I'm going to move to Austin, Texas. And she's like, oh my god, me too. Wow. And I was like, you shouldn't do that. And then she did, regardless. Amazing. And that just goes on and on. And it goes on and I was like, oh, I want to kind of do comedy. And she's like, okay, do you want to like still have sex? And I'm like, yeah, that'd be awesome. So how often does this happen? Like once a week. Okay. And she comes to your place, so you go to hers? I go to hers because I do a lot of snap downtown and she lives closer. I live way up north right now. Perfect. Okay. So you go in, do you hang out for a bit beforehand, or you guys just get right to it? Oh, no. You really friends or is it just benefits? No, no, we're actually friends. I enjoy hanging out with her a lot. We watch movies. We were just watching the James Bond movies recently. Wow. And stuff. Okay. All right. That's an odd thing to drop. I guess you're, I guess you're really hoping she watches this. And I'm really hoping she doesn't actually. Yeah. It's going to be great. So where do you see this friendship with benefits going? Hoping it probably will just turn into friends soon. There you go. Why is that? Are the benefits wearing off on you? You kind of used to the benefits? No, I just think that, you know, she probably has more feelings for me. And I'm like, oh, and that's not healthy. Right. That's not good. And I'm a people pleaser at my core. And I'm like, I got it. This needs to stop. We just saw you with your shirt off. You don't have much of a core. Yeah. Or nipples. Got him. No, you're great, Thomas. Fun times, my friend. I loved your set. Great stuff. Congratulations. That's a big joke book. Thomas Lamonton, everybody. His Kill Tony debut. Back to the bucket we go. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we lost so long. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Priya Bluntz, everyone. It's Priya Bluntz. Make some noise for Priya, everybody. Make some noise if you love your mother. Hell yeah. I love my mother, but that bitch is crazy. I overheard her on the phone with customer service the other day, and she was so pissed. So pissed that they had given her an Indian, somebody with an Indian accent. And she was so pissed that she demanded an American. Yeah. And then that American did not understand her Indian accent. Yeah, when I was 17, I got arrested. And like an Indian mother, her first instinct when she saw me there in the precinct was to just slap me across the face. And the cop had to pull one of these. He was like, nope, didn't see it. Didn't see it. And then she slapped me again. And that's when the cop was like, ma'am, I'm gonna need you to stop, because if you keep going, I do have to pay you and give you a badge. I remember before my wedding, my mom threw a tantrum because she told me there's no such thing as a traditional Indian bride with bangs. She told me... And so together on the spot, we had to Google Indian bride bangs. Hey, and you know what? None of those girls had bangs. Good job, Priya. You've been on this show before. Just one time, yeah. But that was much better than the last time, right? Oh, you think so? Okay. Yeah. It did. Yeah, that was good. I don't really would have just said yes on that. Don, with the momentum that I was gifting you. Thank you. But if you want to argue about whether or not that was better than your last set, we can. No, I'm kidding. Great job, Priya. You've been working hard. Hell, yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? It'll be six years this December. And the last time you were on was a couple years ago? No, it was about a year and a half ago. Okay, that's basically a couple years ago. Perfect. Wow. Wow. You seem like you'd be a real friend with benefits. So, Priya, what do you do for a living? Right now, I don't do anything for a living. I've been trying to do stand-up and acting full-time for the past three months. I do a lot of background acting work. I do some man-on-the-street content. So, if you see me harassing people on the streets of New York, no, you didn't. So, you're in New York City? Yeah, I've been between New York and here. I've been between New York and here. And I'm looking for a roommate in Austin if anybody else is looking. Yes, if anybody wants to be a good old Indian roommate. I will make the place smell. I will. I swear to God. I cook. I cook a lot. Yeah. I love it. I love it. Nothing better than that. We knew that joke was coming. Indian roommate. Okay. So, Priya, tell the people what would be, what makes you a great roommate. Let's see if we can't get you a fucking roommate here tonight. I'm actually a really shitty roommate. I keep really, I keep terrible hours. I cook a lot. I don't do the dishes. So, it's just vibes. I have a lot of weed. That's my redeeming quality as a roommate. What do you cook a lot of? Give us some of the menu of Priya Bluntz. You know what I've been really into right now is making tuna ceviche? Oh, perfect. I mean, again, I see a lot of people really, I see some couples, even some couples are talking about inviting you to live in their household right now. Tuna ceviche with dirty dishes in the sink. D-Madness is literally leaving. He can't stand. He can't stand. Well, his sense of smell is extraordinary. Yeah. It's like, tuna seya later. All right. Priya, how much is the rent Matt Mueling wants to know that you're paying right now? Wait, well what? How much is the, how much, wait. No, you don't have a, do you have a place here? I don't. So, you're, we're like on a night, like tonight, where do you sleep? Uh, in an Airbnb. Oh, okay. All right. Matt, get in there, man. Yeah. Matt, wait, you do kind of have a type, don't you? I swear to God, I'm not homeless. I swear to God. I do live out of a suitcase, but I'm not homeless. Wow. Okay. He lives out of a guitar case, so you guys can be basically equals. I know, I know Priya. We're friends and, uh, but I, I've never been on the show when you've been on the show. So I wasn't expecting to see you come out here. But I was very relieved that you had such a good set, because it sucks when somebody you know comes out and they eat ass. Uh, that was great. I thought it was great. I'm not just saying that. I thought it was great. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. I've been working on this. I've been working on this. It's very good. Hi, Lewis. Hi, how are you, Priya? I'm good. Yeah. You guys all know each other from New York City, huh? Yeah. Okay. World friends. I've never met Priya in my entire life. I just, anytime somebody says hi to me, I act like I know them. Uh. I did Skankfest last year. Oh! It's a matter of Skankfest. What's with the bangs, though? Have you always had those horrible bangs? Great question. I've had them since I was literally two years old. Literally two years old, and I never got rid of it. You have a big forehead or something? Actually, it's a pretty normal-sized forehead. Well, you're not pulling it all the way back, exactly. Oh, there it is. Alright. Yeah. Okay. It's kind of misshapen. Alright. Uh, Priya. So, um, what is a fun fact about your life? Are both your parents Indian? Yes, they are. Okay. And what do they think about you doing stand-up? They really don't like it. They think it ruined my life, and they think it drove my ex-husband away. Okay. What did your ex-husband do for a living? What's he like? Tell us about him. Uh, he's a crypto bro. He was a Russian crypto bro. He was Russian? Yep. Wow. I speak fluent Russian. Can you say something? He was Russian out of that relationship. Yeah. It was me. I left him. I left him. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. I speak Russian, and my name is Priya. Duh-duh-duh-duh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! That was John? John Dees! Wow! Holy shit! Oh my god! Damn! I feel like that was cute up for anything I would have said. Damn! I gave Red Band such a slap of approval. He's literally like, it was amazing! Love that. Amazing. Holy shit! So did you only learn Russian because you were with him? Uh, yeah. Why the fuck else would somebody learn Russian? I mean, I don't know. It's like a chicken or the egg type of thing. Maybe you knew, maybe you learned Russian somewhere where you were. No. Could have been anything. No, and now it's the most useless language to know for no reason. How long was that relationship that you learned for Russian? Uh, I was married to my high school sweetheart. Yes, I was. That, okay. So you went to high school with him? Yeah. So we were together for a total of 14 years. Holy shit! And how long ago did this end? About two years ago, two and a half years ago. Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head. Mazel tov. About two years ago. So it must be hard learning how to date and be with new people. Yeah, I'm not really doing great. I'm not really doing great. Actually, I'm doing not so bad right now. I'm seeing an older man. Okay. Yeah. We're getting through these daddy issues one blue shoe at a time, goddammit. Yes. Okay. Wait, what? I said we're getting through these daddy issues one blue shoe at a time. Okay, one blue shoe at a time. So it's an older guy, white guy? Uh, no. Whoa, black guy? Yeah. Okay, wow. We've been through her class. Damn. I'm just surprised they're, surprised they need blue shoes. I always picture them being fully operational, but that reminds me, if you do need blue shoes, use promo-cote-tony at bluechoo.com. I love it. Perfect. Yes, we love it. It works all the time. And remember, boys and girls, if you're about to come too fast, picture a red band and a red cowboy hat last much longer. Both ways. Blue shoe and red band, a perfect combination. All right. Supriya, tell us about this older black man. What does he do? Is there a reason why D-Madness walked away when you came up on stage? Uh, he's an older, you know, he's an older dude. He, um, he actually did spend some time in prison. That is a... Wow, what did he do to get put in prison? It was gun charges. Gun charges. Okay. I shouldn't really be talking about this. No, it's great. It's fantastic. It's very compelling podcasting. Um, so you've been with him for about how long? Uh, it's been about four or five months. Where did you meet him at, exactly? Uh, I met him backstage at a show. He's not a comedian, but he's a writer. Um, yeah, that's all I'm gonna say. Wow. Is that what he said to you when he met you? Yeah. Yeah. Hey. He actually did suggest today that we elope, and I don't know how to feel about it. Wow. Uh, I do. It's not a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. The fuck? Gun charges writer, five months. Don't elope. Just... Let it breathe a bit. You know what it is? I feel like I did everything right. I did everything right the first time. Married my high school sweetheart. Picture perfect. Everything, you know. And it just didn't work out. So why the fuck not? That's not the right thing. You're not supposed to marry your high school sweetheart. You're supposed to date them and then break up with them in college and fuck a bunch of people and experience life and then get married when you're like 35 to somebody you've settled for. Well, that's why I... That's true. That is, Luis J. Gomez should be writing a book right now on how to live life. Yeah. So I do feel like in some ways I'm doing my 20s now because I feel like I did my 30s in my 20s. Does that make sense? Uh, are you talking about his prison sentences? 20s to 30s? All right. I'm making all the mistakes of somebody in their 20s. No, I got it. I was trying to make a prison sentence joke there. It didn't really come across as clear. How long are you in Austin, Texas for? I'm leaving tomorrow, actually. Oh, okay. And this boyfriend of yours, does he travel with you? Uh, no, but he's between like New York and L.A. a lot. So I move around a lot. He moves around a lot. It works out. Okay. And final question. What is your favorite thing about being with a black man that's different than a white man? It's a pretty easy question, so... I mean, there's definitely a lot of things, but I want to say his confidence. Wow. That is not what I thought you were gonna say. Emphasis on con. And you know what? I was gonna give you a normal, big, regular leather jokebook, but Boneside just so happened to make a black one. So congratulations. That is aged, fine, black leather, which is exactly what you're going home to tomorrow. Thank you, guys. There she goes, pre-uplunt, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having a good time? All right. I'm gonna fly through another bucket pool here. Ladies and gentlemen, for Davy Jackson, here comes Davy Jackson. All right. What's up, y'all? I was at a party in Los Angeles recently. Boo. I was there with my friend. She's a Chinese immigrant lesbian. And that's not important for the story, but I just need you to know I'm a good person. So we're at this party, really fancy party. They had drink menus and everything, and Ling Ling walks up to me in the middle of the party, and she goes, hey, Davy, she had an accent, but I'm not gonna do the accent, obviously. She goes, hey, Davy, what's this drink on the menu? A Negro knee? Jesus Christ, Ling Ling, lower your voice, first of all. All right. It's called a Negroni. All right. She goes, oh, Negroni, is that a drink for black people? No, dude. It's not a drink for black people. That's Hennessy, and they don't have that at this party. That's why it's such a quiet party, all right? We don't name our drinks after the people that drink them. You know what I mean? Except for, like, white Zinfandel, white claw, white Russians. But aside from that, dude, that's it. Thank y'all. Davy Jackson. All of that checks out. Welcome back, Davy. You've been on the show quite a few times. Welcome to the show. Four times, yeah. How's life been going for you? What's new? It's been pretty good, dude. I almost got arrested at the airport recently. Tell us about it. I had a gun in my backpack. Ooh, that'll do it. Yeah, I forgot I was in there. They got me. And you didn't get arrested? No, dude, I'm white. I'm gonna say, it's racism and action happening right now. Yeah. I'm not sure if it's wrong enough. It'll happen to you, too. You end up with a gun in your backpack from a trip that you took or whatever and then you accidentally forget to take it out and it ends up somewhere and then you're in the airport. And then you just have to take it to your car. And then you go back in through TSA. Even if you're me, they just take you right to the front. They're like, well, thank you. And then you're good, right? You had to take it to your car? No. They took me down into the airport dungeon and they interrogated me. I guess there's levels to whiteness. There's levels to this that I don't have to worry about. So how long did you spend down there? Did you make your flight? I did, yeah. I actually made my flight. They confiscated the gun. I mean, seriously, if I was a black guy listening to this, I'd be like, fuck this fucking shit, man. Made his flight. That's even impressive to me. Yeah, one of the cops gave me a number, too. They gave me a number, too. Punching air right down. Okay, so, and you made your flight and, wow. They fined me. They said it was going to be ten grand, but actually one of the TSA people recognized me from this show. And I only got fined 1500. I was pretty sick. Didn't catch a felony either. That is a huge deduction. Amazing. I got a coupon code. It is. Bringing a gun to an airport. Remember, Blue Chew used the promo code Tony and if you get caught with a gun at TSA, promo code Kill Tony. Save 85% on your fines at an airport. Oh shit. Look at this, motherfucker. D-madness. All right. So, Davey, what else is going on? Are you still trying to hang out with dangerous Latina women? I remember that being a fetish of yours. You got stabbed before by a wild Latina. You know what? She died. Whoa. Yeah, dude. Holy shit. Yeah, she did. It's very sad, very tragic, obviously, but she's dead now. Wow. Amazing. How did she die? Drugs. You had a pain pill problem. I didn't do it. I had nothing to do with it. It was cancer. Wow. Regular old cancer. She's got her, dude. Out of nowhere. Karma's a bitch, you know? Interesting. Interesting. What kind of cancer? Uh, cancer cancer? Boo. No, no, it was not boo cancer. Thank God. Wow. Interesting. Okay. You don't know the type of cancer? I wasn't with her. Like, I just found out that she died. Oh, yeah, he might ask a question or two. She stabbed me, bro. Oh, she did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, did you say that already or was that from last time? Tony knows that. Last time, yeah. Oh, okay. What'd she stab you for? Being a white guy with gold teeth. She went through your phone when you were sleeping? That's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds right. Wow. Where'd she stab you? Uh, right up in here? Yeah. Again, all of this. If anyone's ever dated a Latina woman before, this is just very common. You simply have to pro tip. Put your phone in between the mattress and the box. Spring while you sleep. You can't hide it under a pillow. You can't leave it on a charger. Lewis, you know about this. Oh, I know. Well, I put it in my pillowcase and then I wrapped the pillowcase up. She has to jerk my entire fucking body off in order to get it. Oh, those are going to hit her with it. Okay. Nice. Now, that's the right thing to do. Yeah. That's how you give them cancer, hitting them with a pillowcase with an iPhone in it. That's how you get brain cancer. Davey, anything else crazy we should know about your life before getting out of here? No, dude, I just got back from Portland in Seattle. That was kind of weird. Yeah, I saw all the protesters out there. Yeah, that's all they do. They were all... They have a lot of time on their hands, these protesters. Pretty crazy, right? Yeah, it was weird. It was really, really weird. I interviewed some fat ladies. They were actually pretty cool. Yeah, no one threw anything at me. But there's definitely some Antifa shit going on out there. It's a real thing. And that's where they exist. Thank God. Right. We like to keep them up there in lower Canada. Portland and Seattle. Um... Yes, where they belong. Getting cleansed by God himself with never-ending rain and clouds. And there's a wolf there for some reason. And an alien... All right, very good. Thank you, Red Ben. Wow. Davey, you already have a big joke book? I do have a big joke book. Oh, yeah. All right, here's another one. There you go. Davey Jackson, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. On to the next one, we go, everybody, and we are in for indeed a special treat. This is one of the elite Golden Ticket winners of the history of the entire show. He took a Golden Ticket here, which is a great show. This is watched by Howie Mandel, who decides who's on America's Got Talent, got on America's Got Talent and was the runner-up. This is the return and a new minute from Aaron Belial, everybody. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Fuck yeah. It's just going to be another 7 1⁄2 minutes, everybody. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. You guys got to keep playing when that time it takes a while. Oh, shit. Aaron. Who wants to see me do some crowd work? Well, I can't talk, so you're not fucking gonna. Fine, I'll give it a try. Hello, random person who I'm never going to see again. What's your name? Aaron Belial. What's your name? That's a stupid name. I'm gonna talk to someone else. What about you? What's your name? Abby. Hello, insert name here. What do you do for work? Just so everyone can hear, insert name here said they work as an insert job here. Do you like insert job here? Hello, insert name here. What do you do for work? Depending on what you said, I'm either happy for you or sad for you. Just kidding, I don't really give a fuck. My crowd work is great. It's just people. I'm not gonna be a fan of you. I'm just a fan of you. I'm just a fan of you. I'm just a fan of you. Okay, it's just people awkwardly staring at me, waiting to hear what next fucked up thing will come out of my mouth phone. My mom fucking loves Tylenol. Aaron Belial. Wow. Amazing. Fantastic. And a great analysis of what crowd work is. Let's check him out with the great Joe DeRosa. Aaron, this is the only time of my life I will ever be allowed to say this. You are pushing the boundaries of iPhone comedy in ways I didn't know were possible. It's very good. It's very good. Now say the n-word. Aaron, it is incredible. That is amazing. Aaron's been thriving. He's doing comedy all the time, selling tickets. He's on the road. He's got a whole new swag to him as well. Like, what's going on? You got a sleeve on your arm, you got a nice watch on, a gold necklace on. What is happening with you? Are you Puerto Rican now? He's been on the road with Stevo. Yeah, he's been opening for Stevo. Can I suck your cock? Wow, look at that. I've got it up already. It is amazing. You've been on the road with Stevo, and continuously, I mean, every day it seems, Stevo has an incredible work ethic. And he came back, indeed, with a giant gold chain. It is incredible. And now he's going to respond. I got to tattoo Steve Oh's assistant on tour. We duct taped a tattoo gun to my claw, and I went to town. Oh, my God. You did it with that hand? Jesus Christ. What's it look like? Yeah, what does the tattoo look? I mean, we know what it looks like. Shit, I'm sure. What was it supposed to be? I'll send you a picture. All right, perfect. Amazing. Does Stevo just like, does Stevo just put you in shopping carts and push you down half-pipes all the time? I remember we were hanging out with Stevo. It's incredible when Aaron is, this is all, isn't how we all thought Stevo would end up. We were traveling in his RV, and we can't use the bathroom in it, and I had the brilliant idea of getting Indian food at 11 at night. Oh, shit. So we had to use the bushes. I can't squat, so Stevo had to hold me up while I took a shit in the bush. My God. It sounds like you guys have a lot. True story. Yeah, no, we believe it. We definitely believe it. It's easy to believe Stevo's stories. We love Stevo. He's been on this show numerous times, and you guys are just a perfect match for each other. It seems like you guys really have fun. Your service dogs get along with each other. It's a match made in heaven. It is incredible. Oh, he has something he really wants to fucking say. Look at this shit. Look at this motherfucker type. It looks like he's getting in the last second bets before a UFC fight. Real fucking degenerate. Draft Kings. By the way, Draft Kings, use the promo code killtony. Oh, shit. Wait, what? No, clear. Oh, clear. Whoa. I don't think we were supposed to hear that. Go ahead. My fucking dog sleeps in his bed. Not with me. Wow. Even your dog knows about those residual checks that he's getting. What is? Seven and a half jackass movies. I put him down yesterday. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Amazing. Anything else crazy we should know about Aaron? What else is going on? I got a fullback tattoo like an hour ago in a hotel by some big Mexican guy. No, you didn't. Really? No fucking way. This guy's living a wild life right now. I see the tattoo tape. Drum roll, please. Oh, my God. He really did. Aaron has five times as good of a body as that model. But those nipples. You could be a model in Miami, Aaron. That is an incredible observation. Oh, shit. I want to see how this next part of the... Oh, yeah. There it is. What do you want to do? Service dog, Joe DeRosa. It's gonna be... That's a good boy. DeRosa's never had to put a guy's clothes on his body. There you go. APPLAUSE Amazing. I can't get over how fast he can type. I'm able-bodied. I can't send one text without a typo in it. Every text I send, I'm like, fuck, fuck, no, not that, fuck. This is crazy how accurate you are. He's gotten really good at it. I have a really bad fever, man. Wait, what? Wait, what? You have a fever right now? What? That hotel was a bad idea. The hotel? No, the back tattoo. You have an infection right now. You have a fever right now for real? John Dee says he's foaming at the mouth. He's always does that. That's a normal thing. That's part of the condition. Oh, he's making a noise. She said you had a fever. Hold on. What? He's pointing at John. Is it jungle fever? Hey. Say the word. No, Aaron, no. We're not saying the N-word. Make some noise for Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. An unbelievable set. Raining, defending, undisputed, golden ticket winner. Does he really have a fever, though? You really do? What the fuck are you here for? Maybe we should switch this mic out. Jesus Christ. Every fucking time there's a sick person I'm on the end. Yeah. God damn it, man. It's true. And by the way, we don't know exactly what he has, but I can tell you, last week he was a professional bodybuilder. So you'll be just fine. You just might lose your voice and have a curled up arm. All right. We're having fun here tonight. We're back to the bucket, and this looks like a fun name. Make some noise. 60-second uninterrupted set. Going to soda pop, everyone. It's soda pop. All right. Austin, you having fun tonight? Let's go. This city is gorgeous. I mean, you guys are absolutely beautiful. I just left that dump they call Knoxville. Let me tell you guys, that place is dirty. I mean, there's trash and garbage all over the place. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, the streets are literally riddled with litter. But not here, though. Not in Boston. As a matter of fact, ever since I've shown up, I haven't seen one Puerto Rican. Yeah, I know it's a little insensitive. I might have a couple of screws loose. You know, I'm working on my own. I've got a therapist now. Come to find out I've got this whole multi-personality schizophrenic thing going on. So, you know, I've got that going for me. Hey, that reminds me, if you or a loved one is experiencing some type of existential crisis, perhaps it's time you try... What's the toxin? Toxin. Toxin. Perhaps it's time you try toxin. Toxin will match you with a licensed therapist within minutes. Don't forget to use promo code killtonie at checkout. Love you guys. Thank you. All right, soda pop. Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know, boy. Sorry about that. The guy's fucking an inch away from me going. I'm a skitsunoy fucking parent. I'm fucking scared shitless right now. No. I'm just sick. I'm sorry about that. It's okay. Jesus Christ. I flipped the on-off switch on that monitor. You would just miss something, guys. So, soda pop just flung his headband at this hot chick in the front row, and she caught it and made his face of disgust and threw it back at it. Wow. That is incredible. Thank you. Can we get Heidi and some towels out here before this whole table explodes? There is a lot of electricity running through this thing. I'm feeling electric tonight. No, soda pop. You suck soda pop. Let me just tell you. I'm just going to wait until the cleaning was over. But I'll tell you, since you wanted to jump on and say you had an electric set, that was crazy bad. You went through it like you've rehearsed it a specific way. Maybe. Yeah, I have. Are you new at stand-up? Literally, yeah. Just started, man. I'm looking for a mentor. You know, I'm trying to develop this whole multi-skid-so personality. I got news for you. You're looking for a mento. Because he stinks. Come on, folks. Makes perfect sense. Okay. A singular mento. I've never even heard it called that before. Okay, soda pop. Have you been diagnosed as schizophrenic from a professional? Um... Or is this... I'm going to say that. Somebody, you know. It's a doctor, you know. Actually, you're familiar with this. Doctor Jordan Peterson. Have you heard of him? Yes. Yes. So I was spiraling down the depths of hell, and I came across a book called We Who Wrestle With God, which is on sale at Amazon.com. Don't forget to use promo-co-kill-tony. But I came across this book, and that inspired me to kind of just come out here and give this a shot. Okay, so you read a book. I did. And that... He didn't... He didn't diagnose you with this. No, but if... No, no, no, no. You read a book. This whole idea with, like, this... Just follow me here. So this whole schizo thing is part of the bit of developing different characters that I can incorporate on, because the soul soda pop thing comes from me being a white bucking greaser, white trash piece of shit. Right. Orlando, Florida. Of course, yeah, get that down. I actually got riled by Ken Patterson. You know what I'm talking about? Okay. Soda pop. Let's check in with Louis J. Gomez. I don't know what it is, dude. Like, you're the most hateable person I've ever met in my entire life. It is kind of crazy. I hate... I hate every one of your personalities. Yeah. You sound a lot like my doctor, dude. But you don't have a doctor. Actually, I do. Thanks to Talks Boost. Do you? Yes, I... Do you really talk to somebody on an online therapist platform? Well, I mean... I know. I currently know. Have I? Yes. I don't know what kind of question you have. It's a very easy question. I'm gonna ask you another easy question, soda pop. Let's check... Oh, wait. How old are you? I'm 35. 35. That's a straight answer. I'm getting warmer here. How do you... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. How do you make money, soda pop? How do you make money? What do you do? Well, recently I got a job at the Lucky Duck. I also recently got fired at the Lucky Duck. Okay. All right. Soda pop. This is a true fucking story. Is it a story? Dude, I'm telling you the truth. I walked in there and asked them if they needed a doorman. They were like, yeah, we got you. They put me on shift. I did well. I was taking out with chicks and finger-banging them in the speech. All right. All right. Here's a little joke book, soda pop. There you go. There goes soda pop, everybody. Absolutely inconsolable. Can I, uh... Oh, man. Yeah. Can I, uh... Soda pop might be one of the worst of the year. Can I explain what made me spill that drink? Oh, no. We... It made perfect sense. If you notice, I'm not a bad flinch or anything. I'm like, it would have happened to anybody. You're sick, man. No, first he said I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, and then during his set, he dropped the mic fully down and just started talking without the microphone. Yeah. And it scared the living shit out of me. Yeah. It was so fucking crazy. It made perfect sense. Meanwhile, you know, Aaron Belial built his little mountain of Bluetooths and there was no spill whatsoever. But that guy, it made sense. Uh... Yeah. No. All right. Moving on. You guys still out there? Yeah. Anything can happen. As you know, clearly, this show, anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Deidre Flynn, everyone. Deidre Flynn. Yeah. What you know about being able to beat the last level of the game is that you're not going to be able to beat the last level of the game. You're not going to be able to beat you're not going to be able to beat it's really irrelevant to you. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. What you know about your Uncle Gig caught with a felony amount of stolen for breeze plug-ins that he stole from the local target? Like thousands and thousands of them. And the only reason why the cops found them is because he had them plugged into every single outlet. So his light bill was $10,000 and his house reeked of ocean breeze. Yeah, you know shit about my life. Y'all know me, fuck you. I'm from Atlanta, Georgia. I moved to Austin to take down Tesla. Y'all fuck with Tesla's. And I know it's a lot of white people in here. Y'all love Tesla, cause most white people is robots. All right, that's not me being racist. I saw 13 Terminator movies. I never saw a black robot. I never saw a Mexican robot. I ain't in here. I see that shit. Hell yeah. Yo, what we do is, what we do is we meet every Thursday. Y'all come meet me this Thursday. We go to rich neighborhoods and we unplug Tesla's. What's happening? Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen. What's up, ladies? Wow. What's up? Oh my God. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Get these bitch. Let's go, bro. What a difference five minutes makes. We went from soda pop to diabetes. Yeah. Holy shit. The black storm from Atlanta, Georgia has arrived. Deedrick Flynn. It's Deedrick though. Oh, okay, Deedrick. Deedrick, my student loan name. Okay. Oh shit. Deedrick. Oh my God. Yeah, that was fucking. How long have you been in comedy? 12 years. 12 years, you're a beast. Don't, I'm telling you, you're a beast. Don't fuck it up with drugs or alcohol. Being an asshole, I'm serious. That's the only way people fuck it up. You're so fucking good. You have so much to do. The Rosa's talking to himself right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't got them kind of problems, but I appreciate all that nice shit she was saying. Listen, don't be like me. Okay. No, I'm serious, dude. You're a fucking demon, dude. Oh, yeah. I gotta tell you, Joe, that was one of the most accidentally racist things I've ever heard in my life. He's like, you're doing good. Don't fuck it up with drugs and alcohol and too much Kool-Aid and, don't go choking on chicken bones or anything like that. I really, I mean, it's sincerely, guys with immense talent can only fuck it up by getting in their own way. Dude, you're so fucking good, dude. That's incredible. I'm serious. You are fucking incredible. I agree, dead trick. You're a great guy. You're a great guy. Yeah, I'm telling you. Thank you, dead trick. You're like legit, like, it wasn't like what you were doing. I don't even know how much of that was like in your act, but it was like, it wasn't like refined standup. It was just genuinely funny. Like you can't teach what you have, which is just like, you came out, you just fucking own this room. That's the type of confidence that you need to really fucking blow up. And congratulations, because that's a fucking great- Thank you so goddamn much for that. Yeah. Yeah. Nah, but I wrote that shit. I ain't gonna let you get away with that. I wrote the fuck out that joke. I just perform as good as a motherfucker. All right, I work hard. You're damn right, dead trick. That's the brilliance of it, is when you make it look that organic, when it's all written, and it looks like it's up there, but it's not. You were fucking amazing. No, no, let's not discount. There was a train wreck disaster out here before you came on stage. So that helped a little bit. It wasn't, and nobody in front of me I was gonna rip this bitch. You're damn right. 39 motherfucking times, across the fucking street. I ain't fucking around this shit. I'll give a fuck. Hold on a second. Fuck. You've signed up. You've signed up that many times? 39 motherfucking times. 39 times you've signed up? I'm not 38 of them. I'm a cry kid tonight. Wow. I'll rip this bitch. Wow. I'll rip this bitch. Yeah. Dead trick. Fuck yeah. Flynn, this is absolutely incredible. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point? God damn, I fucking been cool as fuck, been busting my ass. Yeah. I moved here because I wanted to come do this shit. So I wanted to get the pop from this. And then I work at a red band over there at Sunset. You work at Sunset? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Sunset! Sunset! Wow, represents Sunset. This is the greatest ad you've ever had in your life. You know, if you look at all the Sunset employees that come on this show, they're always killing it. Oh, they're really cool. Yeah, well, I mean, not quite. His heart is dead trick. But yes. They're all solid, but dead trick is something special here. I'm dead serious. It's the highest compliment, a comedian, a campaign of the comedian. If I had to follow you, I'd be nervous. I'm serious. You're that fucking good. I'm really serious. It's true. You're that fucking good. Joe would also be nervous if you were following him. This is a ski mask too. So I didn't know how the night was gonna go. Wow. Dead trick Flynn. So what's the longest set you've ever done? Hour 30. Hour 30. And that was in Atlanta? No, that was up in Memphis. I've been headlining for about 10 years. Makes perfect sense. Yeah. Absolutely. Just traveling. Tell us more about your life in Austin. What's your living situation? Shit, I got a motherfucking roommate. Yep. And they got a cat. I hate the cat, but that's, you know. But I respect the cat. So you know what I'm saying? If you're a cat person, I don't know. You just look soft. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know. Wow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's my bad. Dead trick Flynn, you can follow me. Yeah, follow him. So I'm about to, for coming out. Follow him on the internet. Amazing, Dead trick. I mean, I gotta tell you, you are just a fucking storm. And if you can do that, then that probably means you could do it again sometime. So instead of doing the big hoopla, and no, no, no, it's even crazier than you think. And I've never met you before. I know people think, oh, he works at Sunset. They probably know this guy. I had no idea you were going to be here. Clearly you've signed up 39 times and you've never gotten on. So I have some really special news for you. I have a job if you want it. Yeah, I want it. You're going to, yeah, you're going to bypass a golden ticket completely, and you're going to be a full-time regular here on Kilt's Island. Yeah. Yeah. It has not happened in years. All right, now you've been made in my space. No, I'm kidding. The last regular appointed was Ari Maddie, but for him, Cam Patterson. So literally, you can do a set every single week if you want to. I want to. We just lost our, we lost our resident black to SNL. So, you know. That's my cousin. Yeah. Cam, that's my cousin, for real. I know, I get it. Y'all are cousins. And now you're part of the Kilt Tony family. So we're all cousins. We are cousins in here. A star newborn, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, cousin? The Black Store from Atlanta, Georgia. And I love to have you on the Secret Show. Oh, yeah, you're going to have him on the Secret Show. Wow. A little... One more time for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. You are here. 39 times. Wow. Months and months and months of signing up. And now you were here. You saw it live. A brand new regular, bigger than a golden ticket. It's been years since we've done that. We'll see. Hopefully, hopefully stays away from the drugs and alcohol. All right. Clearly anything can happen here. You've seen the lowest lows and the highest highs possible. Make some noise for your next bucketful. It's Alessio Esposito. APPLAUSE How are we doing, everyone? CHEERING I'm Alessio. I'm Italian of Jewish descent, which means I like my salami without the skin. LAUGHTER Also means that while half my family were hiding in World War II, the other half were seeking. Yeah, that's true, by the way. My granddad fought for the Nazis in World War II, which was not good for his LinkedIn. Yeah, but it did make for pretty good dinnertime conversations. You know, I could ask my granddad questions like, Granddad, did you ever commit any war crimes? And he'd just look at me. With those big blue eyes. Nine! I was like, is that no other number? Because it makes a big difference. But, you know, I never believed him. Granddad said he was a gaslighter. Yeah. Yeah. That's my time. APPLAUSE Thank you. Alessio Esposito, welcome, welcome. Thank you. APPLAUSE Welcome, welcome. Thank you. Welcome, Alessio. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Where at? In Manchester, in the UK. OK, that's where you live? That's where you were born and raised? No, I was born and raised in Italy, and then I moved to Manchester when I was six. OK, because, yep, that makes your parents move there. Why did your parents move to England? My dad's job. Your dad's job. Where in Italy were you born? Genoa, if anybody knows. Yeah, that is the home of a very fancy salami. It is. You guys specialize in salami. So many of you are an expert in all salamis. It's true. And sausage. And balls. You f***. APPLAUSE So, Alessio, how long are you in America for? I'm here till the 3rd of November. The 3rd of November, but when did you get here? I got here on the 10th of November. I love that, even when they're saying it, they put the date above the month. Here. Instead of November 10th, it's the 10th of November. My be wrong. How are you... Is this your first time in America? No, it's like... I don't know, quite a lot. I like it here. Yeah, of course. It's pretty good. Compared to England. What do you hate about England right now? Tell us about the life in England, while these good Americans are sitting here and people around the world can hear your unbiased take on it. It's better than Twitter says. Yes. I would say it's better than Twitter says. Yes, better than Twitter says. Everybody, for those of you keeping track, Twitter. OK. How do you make money, Alessio? I work in marketing. OK. Yeah. Is that... Do you like that? Yeah, I do marketing for comedians, so I get to meet cool people. I quite enjoy that. All right. Cool. Joe DeRosa. That was... I'm so impressed, man. That was a great fucking set. And for you to come out as a two-year guy, following a 12-year guy that's slaughtered like that and still have a great set, is really fucking impressive, man. Good shoot. That was a great point. Seriously. The old reverse soda pop is having to follow Dedrick Flynn. Not easy at all. Alessio, tell us something crazy about your life. Oh, where do you want to start? Dad's Italian, mom's a Jew. No, granddad was a Jew. It doesn't fully follow down the line. Oh, OK. So you just say Jew so that it increases your chances of making it in show business. Very smart. Very smart. But you don't practice. I...Catholic. Oh, OK. Yeah, that's the opposite. Ladies and gentlemen, we're really finding out the truth here. OK. So tell us a crazy fact about your life, Alessio. I once flew from England to America. Oh, wow. That's a D's again. Keep going, John. No, that's the right... That's perfect. I once flew... Fuck, man. I've never wished I had an Italian accent more than I did. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah, man. You want... You once flew... I'll try again. Yeah. You guys, eh? I once... I once... These guys are good. I once... There's a talented team around me here. You once flew... To America. I'm skipping that part. I once flew over to... Fuck, I started it again. I once flew over to America to try and sleep with someone. After I met them once on spring break. Wow. Yeah, it was a bad choice financially and... Okay, so hold on. Let's get this right. You're talking to the person online, right? No, I met her in Cancun. I came to your spring break. You guys know how to do Easter holidays. Oh, okay. Yeah. And we had a great time, but we never kind of, you know, had the fun I was looking for. Right. You never got to Manchester, or England. No. I did not. And so she was like, oh, there's a cool party happening. And I was like, fuck it, I've got 300 pounds left. Let's get it right. Wow, 300 pounds is a big bitch. Yeah. Jesus. I mean, wow. To get on a flight for 300 pounds. Jesus Christ. When it converts to American, she's only a buck 75. Okay, so you met her in Cancun, but you didn't get to close the deal. So, yeah, so I came over. We had a big night out, and I woke up in the morning. Hold on one second. Where was the big night out at? In Michigan. Oh. Disgusting, dude. She's from the magical land of Michigan. That must be where all the beautiful women are. Oh, what a magical place. How come I don't get the music? Hey, oh, Michigan. A land of the most beautiful people. She must have a secure job and an amazing family. 300 pounds that lives in Michigan. Do you fly over here to fuck Michael Moore? Oh, Michigan. I bet the water there is as fresh as it flows. Oh, may have a sip of your tap water. Oh. All right. So you landed in Michigan. Then what do you guys do? We went on a night out. I don't really remember much of the night out. I got completely black out drunk, and I woke up in a bed in the morning, and I was like, this is good. I was like, did anything happen last night? She was like, no, no. You got in the bed and you passed out. Expensive. But then I also realized I'd pissed my pants. Ah, yes. Wow. Michigan shit. Oh, my goodness. Yes, that's what people, it doesn't matter where you're from. And when you are in Michigan, pissing your pants while sleeping is just a normal thing. Good to know. Yeah. OK, but then you had to leave that day? No, I went and stayed with a friend, and we never spoke again. Hold on. You went to, this is an unbelievable tale. This is an unbelievable tale we have come across on this evening, boys and girls, for what we have learned. No, OK. So you, where's the friend in Michigan? Yeah, I did. I worked at a local restaurant. Yeah, I did. I worked at a summer camp there, so I knew some people. You went to summer camp in Michigan. Hell yeah. I don't know if that's a cool thing here. For us it is. How do you end up going to summer camp in Michigan if you live in Manchester, England? Because they export or import English people to be camp counselors. That's up. Damn. Do they have you guys vote Democratic when you're here too? Some shady shit going on with America. All right. OK, so you just said that one night, and all you did was piss the bed. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You didn't try to hang out with her again or anything? I didn't want to know if she'd figured it out. How did you find out that you pissed the bed? I thought. You felt it. Yeah. Wow. My goodness gracious. Incredible. Did you fuck your buddy from summer camp after that? Not that one. OK. All right, Alessio. Well, fun times. And yeah, following the powerful Dedrick Flynn wasn't easy. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Alessio Esposito. We're having fun tonight. That's great. You guys having as much fun as I'm having tonight? I love this show. I gotta tell you, not only am I the host, I'm also a big fan. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Buffy, everybody. Buffy. Come on, make some noise for Buffy, everyone. I was on one of those family tree websites the other day, and I discovered that I have at least three generations of pedophiles in my family. You can find us on ancestry.com. Some families came over on the Mayflower. We came over on the D-flower. I was running out of material, so I started dating again. This time outside the family. Just because somebody can make you come doesn't mean that they're your boyfriend. They could be your grandpa. Wow. Welcome, Buffy. Hello, welcome. Are we done? One more? One more. We were a family with benefits. Instead of dental and vision, we had oral and anal. Wow. It just gets darker and darker with the comedy stylings of Buffy. Darkness served with a smile. Hi, Buffy. Welcome. This is your first time here, right? It is. Okay. Hell yeah. Let's jump right in. Louis J Gomez. You look like Hot Roseanne. Thank you. Hell yeah. So Buffy, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six years. Okay, where at? LA. All of it in LA. You're just visiting Austin? I live in Austin now. When did you move here? It'll be a year Thanksgiving. What do you do for work? I'm a stunt driver. No fucking way. Are you serious? Yeah. That's one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard anybody ever say they have. One of my favorite movies is Death Proof. That must be like your main favorite movie. Yes. Yeah, that's incredible. How long have you been a stunt driving woman? I started out as a precision driver for about six years. As a what driver? Precision. Okay, so that's just like background. Yeah. Well, we drive with and around the stunt team and stunts and accidents and stuff and car chases. Yeah. But now you do the actual shit. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? About a year and a half with that. Okay. You get a lot of work doing that? Well, I moved here. So I'm here now. I wasn't kind of dried up. Right. She's talking about a vagina. Yeah. Anything we would know like any famous stunt driver? Yeah. Where can we see your work out? Is there anything out there that we could see? Buffy driving? My personal reels. Okay. Well, and I want a stunt car. You did. How'd you win one? It was a giveaway. I commented. Oh, perfect. Well, I guess any of us could have done that. Amazing. So Buffy, what made you start stand up six years ago? Robin Williams. I felt like he helped to raise our consciousness with laughter and I wanted to do that. That's an adorable answer. Amazing. Do you have a family or anything? What's your story? I mean, other than the family that clearly fucked you through all your material. Right. Like, do you have kids or anything? No, just two dogs. Okay. And they came with you to Austin, the dogs. And what's your love life like, Buffy? I want a date. I'm trying. I, what? Everyone's trying to hook up Matt, the newly single lead guitarist here. What do you have a type? I did like a lot of situationships in LA. A lot of men fooled me. So I hung up my hoe hat like two years ago. Oh. And I came to seriously date men in Texas because I feel like they do that. Yeah. All right. I don't know where, but not here in Austin. They don't. You hung up your hoe hat when you were 50 years old? Fluids. That's mean. By the way, there's nothing a new guy you're dating loves you more than I used to fuck like crazy, but not anymore. Oh, sweet. That's fun. Can you tell us about the one perhaps you've seen this show, right? You know how wild the interview portion is, right? Yes. Okay. Perfect. Can you tell us about a crazy sexual experience of your life in Los Angeles? I mean, you're out there driving stunt cars, wearing the hoe hat. Okay. It's on. It's my favorite story. Let's do it. I was with four guy friends. Slower. Red Band. Red Band wants you to tell the story a little bit slower. Red Band is currently wearing the hoe hat. And it was beautiful and lovely. They all serviced me, but no one penetrated me. So they all ate you out? Well, like sucked my toes, kissed me. Like I was a buffet, except no penetration. No penetration. Luther? So at one point. And I didn't have to do anything. You just laid there. And received. Wow. So one guy on the toes. One guy making out with you. She probably has bunions to be fair. Jesus. Also, I love that even when she's talking about fucking, she talks in car terms. I was serviced. Yeah. Yeah. I had one guy was under my hood. One dude ate my muffler. I got an oil change. I got an oil change. Wow. Incredible. One guy put his dipstick in red. Put it back. Incredible. I was on empty. Right. Wow. Amazing. That's the sound of red band coming. Out of a kazoo. So why do you think none of the four penetrated you? That's the part I don't understand. That's like going to a four guys, going to a Chinese restaurant, just eating appetizers. No entrees. No one wanted to compel your chicken ding in this analogy. They were Canadian. Oh, now it makes sense. What are their names? Pussies. Wow. Do we know them? Canadians. Canadians. I thought you said comedians. No. Yeah, it was the kids in the hall. The entire community. Wow. Amazing. So have you been on a date since moving to Austin? Yeah. How did, how's that gone? It was a one and done. One and done. What'd you do? Would this guy pick you up? She told him that hoary story. No. I refrain. I don't overshare like that anymore. Only on TV. Yeah, perfect. That's the way to do it. So this Austin date, that was just like a, Michael relax over here. Michael's trying a new percussion instrument during this. Okay, go ahead. It made me sad that he was my age and he'd already written off a bunch of things that he did physically, like, you know, snow skiing just because of his age. And I want somebody that's active. Right. Absolutely. Wow. That makes sense. Have you tried, have you been on a date with anybody younger? Um, no. I'm trying that too. A lot of 20 year old men are after me on the dating apps and I'm like, am I a fetish? Cause I don't want to. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. You're a fetish and he's a fetish. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been with a young Latino man because speaking of, you like them? When, uh, okay, uh, like six years ago I had a 21 year old boyfriend. Wow. Okay. What went wrong there? He was Latino? You had a 21 year old boyfriend when you were 47 years old? I was 43. Okay. Yeah. He's kidding. I know. It's okay. He's a real. You want to, you want to dry run? Whoa. Yes. I'll fuck you. Dry is not a great word to use. Yeah. When a friction fuck me later. It was intentional. Amazing. What was? Oh, the dry run line. Yeah. My age. Yeah. You're killing it. You're owning it. You're doing a good job. You're doing great. Tell us one more crazy thing about your life, Buffy, before we let you out of here. Fun fact about Buffy. I used to be an erotic beat poet. What does that mean exactly? Does that go along with music or is that just acapella? I wrote erotica poetry and I put it on top of beats. Okay. What exactly is the beat that you remember that you can do erotic poetry to? Pull out your stupid sticks that you had before. It turns out they were perfect for this exact moment. It's got little vibrators with them. And here we go. A one, a two. It was my space day. A one spotlight and three. It was my space day. Three, two, one. And erotic poetry starts now. Oh, I didn't even mean to do that. One of my songs was called Tongue Fuck. Here we go with a reenactment of Tongue Fuck, ladies and gentlemen. This is Buffy, everybody. This guy's got to go jerk off real quick. She is Buffy. It was my space. I don't remember my own lyrics, Tony. Oh, okay. That's all right. Give her her phone. Someone said, all right, all right, Buffy. Well, do you like anal? That's the thing with red band. You can't, you can't do that. It has to be like a comedic effect to it. You can't just like literally ask somebody if they like anal. You have to say it in a joking way or something. And do you like anal? See, that's how you do it. All right. One was like Tongue Fuck me as if it were your dick. Wow. That was one of those. All right. This is some heady stuff. Joe DeRosa gave up snow skiing a few years ago. All right. Buffy, fun times. I like your style. You're different. You're cool. You fit in. Welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book. Ready? Yeah. Woo. It sure is. Catches it with her face and a smile. Buffy. All right. Let's do one last bucket pull, huh? You guys having fun out there? There goes Buffy, everybody. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Andrew Hac. Hake, perhaps. Double A. That makes the noise for Andrew Hac, everybody. It's an honor to be at the show. However, I'm a little sad. A couple of years ago, we lost my favorite comic. He was a legend. So I thought I would do an impression of him for you all tonight. When I was a little Jewish boy, my mother always told me to eat my fruits and vegetables. But I don't think she had in mind the sloppy, disgusting, filthy, threesome with Tony Hingecliffe and Fiona Collie. I've never seen this many black men on a stage since Tony Hingecliffe tried to buy slaves. And look at this beautiful audience. I haven't seen this many pieces of garbage since Tony Hingecliffe and I took a trip to Puerto Rico. All right. Andrew Hac, everyone. Andrew, welcome to the show. Do you do stand-up comedy? Do you just do impressions of other comedians? I've been doing stand-ups. The first time I did it was 18, 30. I've been hitting it real hard since I've been in town, so like five, six years. Okay, but we have no idea what your stand-up's like after doing an experiment like that. You have another minute you want to do, maybe? All right, here he goes. Do you want another minute? No, it's not up to them. Now that you said that, I don't want to give it to you. I don't think you've been doing stand-up. What's the math on that? 18 and what? You did it. Is that 12 years? Perfect. Where at? New York State, Chicago and here. Wow. New York State. Yeah, what? Why do you say New York State? Rochester Buffalo. I never performed in the city. Okay. Wow, never? Well, why would you when you're in hotspots like Rochester and Buffalo? Who needs to go down to Manhattan where all stars are born? Do you live here now? Yes, sir. Five years. These are almost six years. Wow, been here a while. What made you move to Austin six years ago before everyone else? COVID. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, that's slightly before COVID, but I mean, you got it. That makes sense. All right. It was literally two years before COVID. Yeah, it's about a year before COVID. I'm doing the math now. I think you are. No, I guess five years, five years. You're right. You're right. All good. That's right. That's COVID. All right, Joe. This many. Do you always do the Gilbert Godfreight impression or did you just do that for tonight? That's the one I'm best at. But I'm saying do you do it in your regular stand up? Oh yeah. Yeah, I weave all the impressions into the jokes. How many do you do a lot of impressions? What other impressions do you do? I like Scoob. We got to get out of here, man. All right. What other, what other, what other impression do you do? Yeah. Do you do any impressions from this century? Yeah. What else do you got? No, you guys, we got any immigrants here tonight? Yeah. Yeah. I know there's some of you out there. Where are you from, sir? Is this Mark Normand? It is? That joke was over the line. But so are you. Well, yeah. All right. What else do you got? He guessed it. He knew it. Yeah. I can't believe I was right. I was like trying to be like funny, but that's amazing. It's an odd choice to only have material that works if you're on the show with the guy that you're doing the material about. Do you do a Jojo Rosa? Can you do a, can you talk like a fucking frog with a cock stuck in his throat? It's like... What the fuck is that? The fuck is that? The look on your face. The look on your face. You should see your face. It matches the color of Red Band's hat right now. Would you say a frog that was with a cock stuck in his throat? Can you do that? Can you do one? Oh, well, I'm a bit of a frog myself. There you go. Oh, gosh. You're not good at impressions. You didn't like that one? No. Heard that. Heard that. Did you like the go-bergon for that? The go-bergon for it was pretty good. Yeah, it sounded good, but the thing is, doing impressions of other comedians can be really tricky. It's a treacherous territory. We would love to know more about... Can you do one joke that you're proud of as Andrew Hack, all these years you've been doing it? Yes. Okay, here we go. One joke from Andrew Hack. I was on a run the other day, and I saw a person who I didn't know could exist in America. A black father. Yeah, he had his little white collar in his Bible. It was so cute. Oh, he's a priest. He's a priest. Nailed it. All right. Can you do one less joke as a... All right. Well, Andrew, tell us something crazy about your life, Andrew, before we get you out of here. Tell us some redeeming quality about you. I'm a bartender for F1. I don't really care about the cars. They just kind of send me around and I make drinks for them. Do you do reports on YouTube about the new amusement park that's about to open over there? Oh, down at Kota, yeah. I saw it happening, you know, being built. So you work there, literally at Kota, full-time? Well, the other races, you know, Vegas, Miami, Abu Dhabi, so they fly me to... Oh, interesting. So you literally are a bartender for F1? Yes, sir. Amazing. That's actually interesting that they don't get local talent. Sometimes, but then they save the good ones, you know, they take us along. Andrew, he looks like that tri-guy that got canceled, Ned Fulmer or whatever. I look like him. What guy? Ned Fulmer, the guy that cheated on his wife that had a whole cookbook and thing with his wife. Never mind. Is this like someone you knew personally or someone? You look like Ned Fulmer. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You look like my old neighbor, Travis Edelman. You son of a bitch. I almost... I don't know what... I feel like you're much funnier than this is coming off. I agree. I agree. I feel bad for her. And just to let you know, you know, we had a monster coming out of nowhere. We had the first-ever appearance of a guy named Dedrick Flynn, so maybe we're kind of numb to it. Maybe it's not you. But keep signing up and come back and next time fucking do you and come out fresh. Because I think Gilbert doing Tony Hinchcliff jokes is kind of polarizing, perhaps. Heard. Will do. Sign up again. There he goes. Andrew Hack, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. Indeed, like I just mentioned, what an episode it's been. A lot to it. A lot going on. And... And yeah. So we did it. Really bad news for you guys. William Montgomery is sick. And unfortunately, Ari Maddie couldn't make it here tonight. Cam Patterson is on SNL. Which leaves you with just one option. Ladies and gentlemen, this man was made a regular in the year 2020. Let me remind you how big of a deal would happen with Dedrick is. Many golden tickets lately. Zero regulars. The last regular was Ari Maddie two or three years ago. Four years ago was Cam Patterson. Five years ago was this man in May of 2021. And sing it if you know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hotskip. Hey. I'm gonna be here. I am also a stunt driver. There's a stunt over there. You can might have seen my work on I-35. Trying to make a U-turn. Something I've noticed about comedy audiences is that a lot of people are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes. I think that's because you don't get to come after a mass shooting. Unless you do it right. Yeah, I'm a pretty good guy. I don't have any problems with the Jews. Okay, I think they're human beings equal to Mexicans and gays. My girlfriend is Jewish. I love having a Jewish girlfriend. I can just give her money for her birthday. They love old paper, these Jews like the Torah or a lease agreement. One last joke. I think it's fucked up that somebody shot Charlie Kirk. Why can't he just shoot up a bunch of kids like a normal person? Alright, thank you. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Hans Kim. The power of Hans Kim. I mean, 30 seconds of straight laughter just off of acknowledging the stunt driving of another person. I mean, incredible. That's what a true comedy veteran does. They listen to what's going on before them and the tone of the room. And they acknowledge it and utilize it like a real pro that you just did. A woman driving? Yeah. You better notice that it's like imperatives for your safety. You notice women drivers. This is what I love about you, Hans. You think out loud. How's life been going, buddy? One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show, Hans Kim, cannot tell a lie. Very honest. Famously an over-sharer in the interview portion of the show. So this is exciting. It's been a while since we've had you. Very exciting. I've been doing great. I've been on the road with the Killers of Kill Tony tour with Ari Maddie. And, you know, someone's ex, Kim Congdon. She's a great gal. That's right. Louis Jacob is his ex. Kim Congdon is on some of those dates. It's been years. An awkward thing to bring up, but you just did it. It's been many years. I still have a restraining order against him. I guess, I mean, that's a Puerto Rican relationship, right? That's actually... You know, if all the time's a Puerto Rican woman should have stabbed somebody. What else is going on? How's the road treating you, Hans? Where do you like to go? What's been happening? It was an Elkhart, Indiana, named after Joe Rogan's favorite food. So that was cool. All right. That was your opening joke there, I'm guessing. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. I love it. Uh, you know, just great time. Uh, you know, found out that, uh, you know, Ari is a great guy. Uh, he really is. He's a lot of fun. Tell us more. What do you mean? I mean, I found out he's half Ukrainian, which is, uh, you know, like, kind of a loser gene, but, uh... Wow. I didn't know that about him. That's an interesting, uh, interesting reveal. Yeah. He's, uh, vulnerable from the... Yeah. Ukrainian assassin doesn't have the same ring to it at all. It seems like a guy that got killed by a Russian drone 30 minutes earlier. He was a Ukrainian assassin. We're gonna stick with a Stoney and Assassin. Stop ruining Ari's brand up here. Does explain why he's always asking for help, though. Oh, wow. There's an illegal poker room right next to my apartment. Ooh. And you love it, don't you? Yeah. It's kind of loud, and we were talking shit, and we realized that if we can hear them, they can hear us. And so they just heard us being like, we should just have sex really loud one day next to them. Yeah. You and Ari? Yeah. Yeah, I mean it. I know. Do you make a lot of noises in bed? Yeah. Can you give us an exact... Can I get the spotlight here, Kino? Um... Can you just do an impression of the noises that you make while having sex? But do it for real. Like, we want the actual noises. Okay. Ha-Dookin! Yeah. Get over here! Oh, yeah, baby. Call me daddy, please. I, whenever I'm about to come, I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa. That's what you do? You're like, is it okay if I come inside you? Whoa. Wow. What does she say to that? She says yes. Wow. Is she on some kind of birth control? Yeah, she's heavily medicated. Oh, wow. Perfect. That is amazing. That's good to know. Wow. Sure. So you just always finish inside of your girlfriend? Every time we do it. Do you, when's the last time you think you pulled out? Why would I do that? Yeah, exactly. I think that's bad for your little vein down there. Really? Yeah. It's an interesting thing, but most of you people are doctors, so I trust you. Does she keep it inside of her for a few days? Like, what happens? Yeah, she, when I, uh, yeah, I don't know. Red band. Usually after we have sex, she's like, eww, come. And then, uh, we have sex towels by the bed, a little. Sex towels. Yeah. What's the difference between the sex towel and a little wash cloth? They're crunchy. Perfect. Oh, red band. Red band. Oh yeah, there's some love-making saxophone over there. All right, tell us more about your personal, personal, personal life, Hans. She caught me watching TV while we were having sex. Oh, my God. What was on the television? The show Sense 8. Great show. Is that anime? No. What is that? What's that show? It's real Americans running around. They're connected. They're, like, sensory connected. It's a great show. It's underrated, and only one season. Check it out, Netflix. Wow, look at that. Uh, but yeah, I was watching Sense 8, you know? It's like, hey, if you want to have sex, like, watching TV, I might watch TV. So let me ask you this. Is she on top of you, and the TV is straight, like, over her shoulder? Or are you in missionary position? She was pegging him, so you can see the towel. Yeah, we do the sideways sex a lot, where she's just, like, laying down, and it's like, oh, it happened. Right. Yeah, that's what happens. You're with the same girl for years. Yeah. It's the old, let's just do this without looking at each other, putting in any real physical effort. It's not like an Asian joke, because I can't see. No, we only have sex sideways. It's Christmas. I want fuck you sideways. Let me come inside you. All right. Hans, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything? We have the regular show at the Vulcan every Tuesday with Harry Maddie. It's a great point, yes. Hans, by the way, every time you're on the show, you constantly kill it, man. Like, you are really one of the best regulars we've ever had. It really is true. There's just a difference between the regulars and other people, and tonight another one was born. You're going to see the debut set of Dedrick Flynn? Dedrick. Yeah. New Cam. Yeah, you guys are family now. Yeah. You loved him long time, okay? Okay, yes, sir. There he goes, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, and we did it again. Indeed, this episode brought to you by PrizePix, Quo and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan Jebelt is in, and it is incredible. Jodorosa and Luis J. Gomez, everybody. Jodorosa.com for tickets to his tour, his special. I never promised you a rose garden. It is on YouTube, a Jodorosa comedy on YouTube. At Luis J. Gomez comedy on YouTube, you can find his new special. You're making this worse. Also, the founder of the Legion of Skanks, Legion of Skanks podcast, and the founder of Gas Digital, an entire podcast enterprise, Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen, Encho D'Orosa. What an episode it was. Ryan Jebelt's drawing is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, little Martin Phillips. All right, fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, carrying us through a very fun episode? I think everyone kind of got a laugh tonight. We had fun with everybody tonight. Red Band. I just want to thank YouTube for many, many years. You have made so many careers and helped so many people out. And you guys are the fucking shit. We do love YouTube. Thank you, YouTube, for being here for the first time ever. And we love you all. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. You can watch the show every Thursday.