The Reality of Outgrowing Friendships

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to another Sunday session of Call Her Daddy. Guys, I feel like a different person, okay? Because I have been so consumed. I have been so just not focused on anything in my life other than reading this one goddamn book series. And I have turned into a monster. Matt at night is like, I know I'm like still working, but like, like, to put your book down, like pretend you're paying attention to me. And I'm like, but you're working. He's like, I know, but like, you never look at me anymore. This book is consuming your life. And I'm like, it's amazing. It's everything I need right now. Let me just tell you, it's called fourth wing. I am so late to the party for all of the fourth wingers that are like, babe, like this has been out for so long. I know, but to anyone that is has not read this book, I just want you to know that like it has changed my life. And I was, okay, I love Akitara had Sarah J. Mass on the podcast. You guys know that, but I had never read fourth wing for some reason. And Lauren had told me like, you need to read it. You need to read it. It's one of my favorite series. And dumbly, I could not sleep one night. It's like 1230. Matt's dead asleep, annoying as fuck snoring in my ear. I'm like, I will ruin your life. And I'm trying to not scroll on social media. And I'm like, maybe I just need to open a book. And so I'm going through to look at downloading like what can I download? And I see fourth wing on the list. I'm like, you know what, that's probably like a really long book. It's like romantic, but it probably will take a while to get into probably bore me to sleep. Perfect guys. Eight chapters, three AM eyes wide open. I literally went into work the next day, like, hello, everyone. I looked so tired. I was obsessed. The first sentence had me hooked. And that has been consuming my life. So it just ended. I read the third book and now the next one doesn't come out for like a year. So I'm kind of like tweaking out. I'm going through withdrawals. I feel a little bit like unsure of myself. I'm weary. I don't know who I am. But let me just say having a good book in your life, I am someone who goes through spurts of reading, and then I will stop reading and I will just go through like a couple months where I just don't read anything. But when you have a good book in your life, your mood is up, your vibe is up, you're glowing, you look more gorgeous, you sound more gorgeous. Everything in life is less annoying. No one's annoying me that much because I'm like, I'm just like, I'm barely listening to you because I'm just focused on when is the next time I'm going to go pick up my book and read. And so there's just this happiness that I find whenever I have a really good book. So this is your sign. If you've been in a book rut, if you want to get back to it, pick up fourth wing or if you're not into like romanticy. Although let me tell you, girl, it's steamy. It'll, it'll impact your sex life. It'll impact your life. Like you'll be good to go if you read it. So enjoy Violet and Zaden are the main characters and I'm obsessed with them. And I don't care if I'm coming off like a dork right now. I don't care. I need a new book guys comment down below. What romanticy book should I read next? And it needs to be romanticy. I don't want something that has like human beings that are don't have any type of like power. I want dragons. I want fairies. I want smut, bitch. Okay, so comment down below what is the next book I need to read. I love that you guys are loving the Sunday sessions lately. And a lot of the times I open with kind of just a topic. But I felt like today was important to just fully pour me into you and just give you guys as much wisdom as I can. Good advice, maybe bad advice. I don't know. I just want to talk through what you guys are going through and do a full episode of questions of the motherfucking week. So let's get into it. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious, or unsure, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we honestly think. Whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Daddy gang having someone with you to listen and understand can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night therapy with BetterHelp can provide you with tools to help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. You can also feel confident knowing BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully qualified. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash daddy. That's BetterHELP.com slash daddy. Our sponsor today is Brothers Cider. I think we all can agree at this point that the best memories are made in person and not on screens. There's nothing better than when one text turns into a group chat, which then turns into like, okay, everyone time to come over and suddenly it's a whole thing and you're having the time of your life. No overplanning just everyone showing up as they are. And that's exactly the vibe that brothers bring. Brothers Cider is all about real fruit and real flavor and that IRL energy you just can't fake. It's a little unexpected, but it always makes for a refreshing addition to any get together, whether you're throwing a last minute hang, a house party or just something that somehow ends up being way bigger than you ever planned. It's intentionally different in the best way possible. Seriously, Brothers Cider has joy in its DNA. It was born at Glastonbury Festival, so it's rooted in music, spontaneity, and just honestly having a good time with whoever's down. Next time plans come together out of nowhere, look out for brothers and bring a little more real life joy into it. Grab brothers for your next get together. It's a brothers thing. Question number one, I feel like this is so relatable to probably everyone watching depending on the side you're on, but here we go. Hi Alex, I feel like I'm in a weird stage with my friends right now. I don't know if I'm the problem. I'm 25 and honestly still having my fun era. I like going out, traveling, meeting new people, and not taking myself too seriously. But a lot of my friends have started to move to a more serious phase of life. They're settling down with long-term partners, focusing heavily on their careers, talking about buying houses, getting engaged, all of that. And lately when we hang out, I can feel this subtle judgment from them about the way that I'm living my life. I love my friends and we've been close for years, but lately we've been in completely different wavelengths. Is it just a normal phase that will pass or are these friendships at the end of their course? This is such a huge topic that I feel like you could do a million different episodes on just because it is the most, I just feel like honest and relatable topic to probably everyone in their 30s and their 20s and even their 40s. So I don't think that you are insane for feeling this way. I do think my first bit of advice is when friends start to all go in different directions because someone's like, yes, getting married and buying the house and they're doing that part doesn't mean they're ahead in life. That's just where they're at. And then you're still enjoying your single life and you're partying. That is going to obviously cause a little bit of division within a friendship just because you guys are on such different pages that the relatability of like topical conversation when you see each other, it's just not there. And so if anything, it's more just like listening and trying to understand and be supportive rather than being able to relate which friendship most of our friendships are built on being able to relate. Oh my God, we're in high school together. We're going through this or oh my God, we're in college together. We're going through this or we're at the same job. I think sometimes people even experience it. If you meet a friend that you're at a job with and they leave or you leave, it kind of can disrupt the friendship because so much of your relationship was built on being at work together. And then when that is not the case anymore, you're like, what is our friendship based off of if not what it was originally started off of, right? And so I think you saying that these friends are phasing into this. Clearly, you guys were at one point on the same page. And so I want to validate you that like, this is a huge separation to some capacity of your genuine, honest start to the relationship of what you guys related on and now it has completely diverted. What I will say is to give my personal little anecdote, I am relating to this because I have two friend groups essentially. And in one of my friend groups, I am the kind of like oldest-ish. And in terms of like life, I'm the more like serious settled down, I guess you would call it like you just referred to like, I got the house, I got married, I am very serious about my career. Matt and I have been talking about kids like these are all things that we're working towards. And then I all my other friends and that kind of friend group are a little bit on different pages, whether they're not married yet, but some of them have boyfriends or some of them are fully single, enjoying clubbing life, all the good things, or some of them are kind of getting more serious thinking about marriage. But like, I'm the one that has kind of gotten all of those pieces of my life that I don't even, I don't even want to call it more established because it's just not like it's all subjective, right? But in that category, I'm there. Then in my other friend group, I am the youngest. I am the person that is like, every one of my friends in this group has kids, and I'm just constantly sitting there where they're talking about, oh my God, and I have to bring him here, and I have to get my daughter here, and this, and this was a disaster, and this, and oh my God, and the babysitter, and I constantly am like trying to remind myself that my problems do matter. I'm like, whenever I'm around them, sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I don't even want to complain because they have so much going on with these kids, and I don't have kids. So I'm like, uh, yeah, they're like, what's going on in your life? I'm like, oh yeah, Bruce and Henry were really stressing me out last night. Like, no, it's not even comparable. But I recognize that I still can exist as me, and still share things with that group of people. And I do, but I do get it. Like, I'm a little bit like, oh, like you guys are so much more ahead of me in that department. And I kind of like, it's not that I don't matter, but it's just a thing that we go through, right? My advice to you is, with that group of friends who is more like established and has kids around me, they have never made me feel like I am less than because I don't have kids yet, or because I'm not in that preschool phase of life. If anything, what I love about them is they're so not threatened and in their life, and they're happy with their life, that they always ask me like, okay, wait, what's going on? What's happening? Like, tell me the hot gossip, like, tell us everything. And they enjoy almost like, sinking their teeth into my part of life, because they're not jealous, they're excited to find out about what's going on in my life. And I feel for you that you can differentiate pretty quickly. Are your friends making subtle jabs? Or are you insecure that you feel distance from them? So you're taking them talking about their situation as them being insensitive, which is so fair, because you're internalizing it. But maybe they're not being actually assholes, you're just getting insecure. Or are they actually making comments like, God, Krista, like, you got to get it together, like how many more club floors can you like throw up on? And you're like, I plan a couple more, I think, like, I'm having a good time. That I think you have to decipher and really try to get objective. But the overall, I guess, advice in this situation is, I think sometimes with friendships, we have this really intense need to hold on to the best part of the friendship that sometimes evolve and change. And we want to get back to that place that it started. And it's sometimes just not possible. Sometimes people grow, people change, circumstances change. And it's okay if you are not as close to someone as you were. And maybe it will swing back around like, I've had so many friends where we started so close. Then we had a little bit of distance because, similar to what you're going through, she ended up getting married. I was still on the streets in New York doing my thing, like we kind of didn't have much in common anymore. We'd catch up lightly, but it wasn't the same. And then when I met Matt and I got married, like, we had so much more to bond over. And then we got closer again, not that we weren't friends, but just the actual closeness and the relatability was there. I also think we have to remember that in your 20s and your 30s, everyone is like having to be a little selfish, right? Everyone has to be focused on their own life, be focused on their careers and their romantic relationships. And if they want kids or don't they want kids or if they're struggling to have kids like, there's so much and family shit, don't even get me started. So I think the weight of life really comes at us in our 20s and 30s. And I think friendship is something that has to kind of ebb and flow because it is inevitable that so many people are going to be on different pages. And if you are not willing to just like lightly adjust as it hurts, it sucks if you're not as close with someone. But if you're not willing to recognize like, oh, we're just not as close right now, because like we're on different pages, it stings a little bit. But it's worse when you try to like fit the peg in the round hole or whatever the fuck it's called. And you keep trying to force something that just right now, maybe it needs a little bit of space. So I'm sorry you're going through that, but just know I feel like that's literally every one of my friends and I talk about this and we have so many different friend groups that you can kind of put yourself into a different scenario for like the fact that I'm you and one of my friend groups and then I'm the women you're talking about in another friend group. It's all it's life like that's what's going to happen. And you just have to not be too hard on yourself. And maybe find some more friends who are in that phase of life with you and how beautiful like that will be a fun new group that you can hang out with doesn't mean you have to get rid of your old friends. Okay, next. Hi, Alex, I'm a 42 year old woman living in North Carolina. The dating scene is pretty bad here. But I was at the gym last weekend and this guy was checking me out. I didn't think anything of it until he asked for my number when I was leaving. Okay, just pausing there like so proud of a man actually fucking approaching woman don't love that is at the gym but I love that you specify that it's when you're leaving not when you're like mid rep and he's like, Hi, Janice, want to want to bang in the bathroom. Maybe that would have been hot. I don't know. You said as we were texting to set a date I found out he is only 25 years old. I don't get hit on by hot guys often anymore. So I don't want to pass up the opportunity but is it insane to still go on a date with this guy? Girl, no, are you kidding me? This is what this is what life is about. I mean, listen, I don't know if I'm 42 and single like what I'll be looking for but I'm sure it would be like a hot fuck. Like, if Matt and I got divorced, I was 42 and single. Like, maybe you're looking for something like that. You just said you haven't been hit on like you want to explore. You're not making this man your husband. Please for the love of God, don't make this man your husband. But have fun. I think that sometimes when you are single, no matter the age, we sometimes need to get outside of our comfort zone. Like you probably go for the same man. You probably always go for the same type and this will make you maybe this will make you come alive. Like maybe you can teach this boy something, right? I also just think like men do it all the time. Like why can't women? He's of age. This is not creepy. It's a hookup. He approached you. You were looking hot at the gym. Imagine how hot you're going to look on a date. I think we bang him. And I mean, we, I think we bang him and you let us know how it goes and you're in your milf era. Like there could be a world where this reignites something in you. Like maybe you squirt on his face. I don't know. You never know until you try. So Janice, that's not your name, but you know what I mean. Get out there. I love that for you guys. Remember the other Sunday session I did where I was like, nobody is approaching anyone in person anymore. I used to say a man approaching a woman at the gym was a cardinal sin and it is, but you were leaving and there's something that we're going to take men approaching women. We're going to take it. We're going to take it if you're not creepy and you did it in a right way. I am going to say go on a date with a man if he ever approaches you and you're not repulsed by him and he doesn't come off as creepy and you're like, huh, go on the date. Next question. Hi daddy. I have been dating someone for about three years and he is obsessed with his morning routine. He has a 5am alarm every morning followed by a meditation app cold shower, 30 minutes of journaling and a green juice. There are no off days. When we first started dating, I pretended I was into it. I'd wake up early, drink the juice, do the meditating. Oh girl, you're strong. But now that we're actually in a relationship, I'm exhausted. It makes me dread sleeping over at his place. How do I admit I'm not into this without disappointing him? Oh my God. Oh my God. This is my fucking nightmare. Oh my God. Okay. You should never dread sleeping over your boyfriend's house. This should be a fun activity. This should be a, oh, I'm taking an everything shower kind of night. You know, I'm going to shave my legs for this man. I'm going to shave my underarms for this man and the bush canush. Like this is supposed to be fairy tales, rainbows, butterflies and sex. And instead you are like sleeping at night. Literally so stiff, praying to God you're like, is it 5am yet? You're like tweaking out because you're so anxious about his 10 alarms that he fucking sets. And then he literally wakes up at 5 and he's like, let's get after it baby. And you want to cry, but you've committed to the lie. Oh my God. That's the worst. It's like when I lied about like liking EDM to this one guy in college. And I was like, oh my God, me EDM. He's like, have you ever been to Firefly Festival? I was like, obviously. And he's like, wait, who's your favorite performer? And I was literally like, everyone, how could I pick who was yours? And then he names him EDM or that I don't even know. And I was like, no, wait, that was 100% my favorite. You're so right. And I kept on this lie to the point where he invited me to a concert and I was like, Hey, I didn't know a thing about EDM. Okay, I didn't even know. I don't even know what EDM sounds like. And I went so far, so far down this, I changed my Facebook settings to be like EDM girl music. I was like stalking him, putting some of the songs that he had that he liked on his Facebook into my legs. Like, I was deep in the trenches. Thankfully, I never made this man my boyfriend. So I wasn't like, in that car listening to EDM on our way to church in the morning. I never went to church in college. But you know what I'm saying? This is your boyfriend. Like you committed to this man, you're sleeping at this man's house and you are green juicing it up, wellness, hitting hard, left, right, smacking it harder than ever in the morning. You want to die. You literally want to die. You want Cheetos and a bagel and you want to be hungover in bed watching sex in the city on your Sunday. And instead you're doing burpees. This is my, this is my personal help. Here's my advice. Oh, what would I do? What would I do? Because to his credit, he is thinking you're, you're, you're one with him. Like he's thinking like we're both getting swole together, bro. So the problem is how far you've taken the lie. What I do think you can just say is like, Hey babe. Hey babe. I am so always the sandwich, right? I'm so inspired by how serious you commit to and take your morning routine. And I love how healthy you are. But I think I got on that flow with you and I really have enjoyed a lot of the moments you start crying. You're like, no, I really haven't enjoyed it. It's like, it's stop. Um, you're like, I really enjoyed it. But I think I'm realizing that I have just like a different need and want for my mornings and for the way that I approach my wellness journey, let's say. And I think sometimes it's getting to the point where like, there are some mornings where I want to lay in bed and relax and enjoy myself after like a long week of work. And I feel like I have to get up and go, go, go with you. And I was wondering if it would be, no, don't even ask this man for permission. So I think I'm going to do some mornings where I don't participate. And if you don't mind just like being a little quiet in the morning and just like sneaking out and going into your thing. Of course I don't want to tell you not to do it, but I think I'm going to like, think I'm going to chill a little bit here. I'm getting a little burnt out. If this man is like, wait, so you're not coming to the gym with me at five? What do you mean? What do you mean? We just went to Lululemon together. We bought new, we bought new Spanx. Like we got matching outfits. Like, what do you mean, babe? What do you fucking mean? As he's like doing another ginger shot. This may be not your guy, but I do believe that like, because you've gone along with it for so long, maybe you just need to break the fucking and start eating like a bagel in front of his face and be like, I'm not going. Okay. Okay. Fuck off. I think you can do that. I don't imagine a world where this man would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you. I think if anything, like I said, girl, I've been there, you just built the lie out a little too long and a little too hard. You committed so hard to the lie. You're now reaping the repercussions. This man's kind of done nothing to you. And thank God he's not the opposite end where it's like big, belly, beer, Bob, who's just like 18 cases deep watching the fucking sporting event never gets off the couch. Literally is pounding beers. His whole body is just like desiccating before your eyes. And you're like, Oh my God, this man is so unhealthy. And he like never does anything. Like at least this man's like taking care of his body. Like this is someone that will have longevity potentially in life and cares about, well, let's make sure he doesn't care about his appearance too much. Like are there like mirror selfies that are going along with these five AM jumps? Because if there are, oh, oh, Sarah, I fear, I fear this for you. Let's reel it in. Look at him. Look at the actions and look if you just ended up basically getting involved with like a soul cycle instructor. And you're literally like, I think I got a little too carried away. I think a little too carried away. I got hooked. I feel like I'm living with goop and I got to go. That's for you to decide. But damn, guys, there's nothing better than like hitting them with like a little one, two punch of like a little white lie, a little white lie in the beginning. And you're just like, Oh my God, that white lie just made us actually go to the next level. And like it's so white lie, like it doesn't matter. And then they like fully commit. And they're like, Oh my God, you do like that. And you're like, mm-hmm. Yeah, I love that. And they're like, Oh my God, do I have plans for us? And you're like, Oh my God, no way. And then you actually are four years in and you're doing something you fucking hate. But then it's like, you can't blame them because you're the liar. Oh man, I'm actually crying. This is so funny. Oh my God, I used to do that all the time. It's such an easy thing. Like men are so stupid too. So like you can like white lie to pretend like you like something with them. And like there's obviously like the innocent one like, Oh my God, you like the cowboys. I love the cowboys easy. You buy a fucking jersey. You shake your tits every Sunday and you watch Peyton Manning or who's the nuts on you, whatever, whatever fucking quarterback, he's retired, whatever quarterback and you're fine, you're fine. But when those lies, baby girl impact your life to the point where it takes over your life to the point where you're trying to run so far in the other direction, like you're like, like I wanted to listen to heavy metal by the time I was done with that man. Okay. EDM was so taking over my life. I was like, I want screamo music. How about that? I want to fucking bash my head into the wall and I want to go listen to Metallica. It really can drive you somewhere where you didn't necessarily intend to be, but you're kind of fucked. So take a care of yourself girl. And honestly, like get a sleep mask, some earplugs, set the alarm for your normal time and let's see if this man can respect your fucking boundaries. Oh, that was a good one. Please comment down below. What are some embarrassing lies that you said to a man that like seemed like so innocent at the time, like, oh, this will just make this a lot easier. And then you were so far down in the live train that you're like, Oh my God, why did I ever lie to this man? Now I have to pretend to like this for the rest of my life. Our sponsor today is Brothers Cider. I think we all can agree at this point that the best memories are made in person and not on screens. There's nothing better than when one text turns into a group chat, which then turns into like, okay, everyone time to come over and suddenly it's a whole thing and you're having the time of your life. No over planning just everyone showing up as they are. And that's exactly the vibe that brothers bring. Brothers Cider is all about real fruit and real flavor. And that IRL energy, you just can't fake. It's a little unexpected, but it always makes for a refreshing addition to any get together, whether you're throwing a last minute hang a house party or just something that somehow ends up being way bigger than you ever planned. It's intentionally different in the best way possible. Seriously, Brothers Cider has joy and it's DNA. It was born at Glastonbury Festival, so it's rooted in music, spontaneity, and just honestly having a good time with whoever's down. Next time plans come together out of nowhere, look out for brothers and bring a little more real life joy into it. Grab brothers for your next get together. It's a brothers thing. This is an ad for Shopify. Guys, starting a business can be so intimidating and lonely and you're like, I don't even know where to begin. What do I do? And looking for a tool that not only helps you run your business, but simplifies everything. 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Sign up for your one pound per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.co.uk. That's Shopify.co.uk. Next. Hey, father, I have been no contact with my mom for almost a year after realizing in therapy that my anxiety came from being her emotional support growing up. My brother is also no contact, but my sister still has a close relationship with her. My sister understands why we stepped away and even acknowledges the unhealthy dynamics, but she refuses to set boundaries or be honest with our mom. It's starting to strain our relationship because I don't understand how she can see the issue and still stay so close. Do I confront her about it and try to convince her to go no contact or just let her have her own relationship with our mom? Okay. Whoa. That is, damn. Going no contact with a parent is from what I understand. I've never done it, but I've talked to friends who have done it and I've talked to therapists. It seems like one of the most painful decisions that you really have to make in your life because that means that you're at one point primary caregiver or lack thereof should have been, has pushed you so far to a point that you have essentially had to cut them off in a way that literally feels like death. It feels, and it's almost harder than that because you're like, they're still out there, but I am actively choosing to not engage in a relationship with them and the strength that it takes to do that, I commend anyone who has been able to do it because from what I've talked with therapists and everything, it is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make in your life because it's hard to not give in to a parent who raised you, no matter how toxic they are. What I feel like with your sister, and I had a situation in my life recently that's not fully applicable, but when it came to grief, we were talking about it and I was watching two people grieve so, so differently and so it was just such a significant difference and they were just as close to the same person and it was a whole thing and you're watching these two people and you're like, wow, how can two people grieve so differently, but that's life, right? Like their relationship to the person clearly was different in their eyes and their reactions are different and their emotions are different and that's you and your sister. This doesn't mean that your sister is not so wounded on the inside and in so much pain and wanting your mom to get healthy and to not do what she's doing, but your sister has not been able to go into contact for a reason that I almost think you can empathize with her while still maintaining boundaries. I think you going no contact is your decision, but to try to like pull your sister into that, I actually think it will only make you feel like you could, she will feel resentment almost towards you if she decided to do that for you and not for herself. I also think what's probably really painful for you is like, this is your mother and in some way you made the hard decision to go no contact, but your sister is still speaking to her and so I don't want to speak for you, but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. There also could be some subconscious thing where you're also feeling guilty. Like she has an abandoned mom even though we all should abandon this woman, but I have and the only tie I still have to my mother is through my sister and so you're seeing still the dysfunction through your sister and that's understandably so triggering to you and so you want your sister to get removed from it, so you are fully removed from it and I think the answer to this is you need to just set boundaries with your sister. I never want to tell you what to do with mom. I know we all have such different situations with her and I know it is beyond complicated, but I have made such a painful decision for myself that I knew I needed to go no contact and in order to maintain a relationship with you, I need you to respect my no contact with mom, which means I don't want to hear about her. Like when we're together, I need us to talk about our relationship and what's going on in your life and my life and I do not want to know or talk about mom because you're the only thing in my life that's threading me to her and I have actively made the decision to remove her from my life. Overall, I just will say like and I talk about this all the time with my mom and my therapist and my friends like family, shit when it comes to parents who are dysfunctional and immature, toxic, abusive, it is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience in your life and I have so much empathy for I've watched so many of my friends go through this and it is it ruins families, it ruins parts of your life until you're able to be like oh my god I can't let this fucking person control my life anymore. Yes, you were my mother or my father growing up, but like this is my life and I need to take ownership of it and get away from you because you're so fucking toxic, but saying that about a parent, it's close to impossible right? Especially a mother, you came out of this woman, this woman is a part of you, you are a part of her, there's so much complexity there. If you guys would ever want me to have a therapist on to talk about the specifics of dysfunction in families when it is stemming from one of the parental figures, I would be more than happy to do that and even if you guys write in like really specific scenarios because I bet a therapist would be so helpful in breaking that down of how to handle those situations. I remember back back in the day one of my episodes I did was cutting off a parent who is narcissistic and I had a therapist on and so many of you really related and it broke my heart because I think it's more common to have a parent like that than to have a healthy parent and that is so unfair to the child who is now an adult and you know experiencing the repercussions. But I believe you can do this and I really, I think that your sister will understand, I think it's just going to take a couple of hard conversations. Okay next, hi Alex, I need some help. I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, I love him and he's my best friend, but I feel like I'm not sexually fulfilled by him. In the past I've been with toxic men and the sex was really good. I can't tell if I'm just settling now or maybe I'm not recognizing a healthy connection. I feel like I need a dominant man and I can't communicate that to my partner without killing the vibe. Help, oh fuck. It's so hard when you go from like toxic men to like a healthy man and you're like all right, you're like cracking your neck, you're like this is good for us and your brain is like toxic and you're like no, this is stable and they're like let's go back to Johnny and you're like shut the fuck up. Johnny was horrible to us and it's like but the sex was fun and we were on the edge and you're like stop it. Your brain does such crazy things to you when you've been in these like toxic push and pull relationships. They're toxic and they're toxic for a reason but when you get out of them there's a romanticization, I don't know if I just said that right, and a glamorization that happens in our brains where it's like we lose all of the negativity and then we just like remember the good and then all of a sudden we're like that was such a thrill. Hey and then we turn on like a movie and like the bad guy and the girl fall in love and you're like hey maybe Johnny wasn't so bad and it's like he was just as bad if not worse than you remember and going back to him will only ruin your self-worth even more but we remember those things and I think sex when you have a toxic partner that is the one thing that becomes really really fucked up when you get out of a toxic situation is the memory of the push and pull and your literal brain going from oh my god I'm in fight or flight and I think I'm gonna lose this person and we just had a fight and then we got back together and then we had crazy good sex. That's not normal to constantly be going up and down and up and down in a relationship but it is then normal for your brain to get a high when you guys get back together and have that makeup sex. So then when you find a normal partner that's stable and sweet and kind and is not going to fuck with your emotions and scream at you for what you're wearing and get in a fight and then you don't go out with your friends and then you make up and then you have sex and you're all over the place emotionally your dysregulated emotions cause sex to feel so heightened with a toxic partner that that just doesn't exist with a normal partner and what I know is like you have to retrain your brain you guys because you also can't survive forever on that toxic partner you're going to literally self just deplete yourself and then you're going to self abandon you're not going to be an individual anymore so like you also have to go through okay is this partner actually someone you love pause on sex for a minute because you obviously have such a negative connotation towards it even though you think it's positive do you love this partner they're stable you're saying what did you say you said like I can't tell if the like I'm sexually fully fulfilled by him I want a dominant man do you want a dominant man or a toxic man don't lie to my face do you want a toxic man a dominant man I mean sure you could ask him to throw you up against the wall and like he can still be a nice man that treats you nicely right I think that if you genuinely have this healthy connection the first part is you should feel safe enough to express this to your partner babe I love you I you know I was thinking about our sex life and I'm like I want to spice things up I want to try some things new and like I really want to do XYZ I think there's more times than not a partner's always gonna be like oh okay I'm down if you position it like I was thinking about you I don't know I was like at work I don't know what the fuck I was doing I was bored and I literally just started thinking about our sex life and I was like I really want to try this like where you're more dominant and I'm kind of submissive and blah blah the guy he's gonna be like whoa like okay like where did this come from you're like I don't know like I just I want to try something new together great but if you feel like you can't tell that to him or if you actually think no he'll do that it's just you're missing the toxicity then you need to get into therapy because poor Garrett is gonna be like I just flung you over my shoulder I walked us up the stairs I threw you against the bed I handcuffed your arms to the headboard I spread your legs I did it all I brought the toys I brought it and and and you still were like thinking about Johnny therapy or have the conversation with him and let him tie you up let's see what happens let's see what happens um sex can always be improved I genuinely believe the last statement though is there is a chance that you're just not physically connected to this man and it has nothing to do with that he's a good guy like he could be toxic for all you no I'm not even gonna go there there's a chance there's just no physical connection and you don't physically enjoy him that's fair you have to figure that out for yourself is it because you want him to be toxic or is it because you literally don't have a connection with him I unfortunately can't get in bed with you do and answer that for you so you are gonna have to do the hard hitting on the ground research and then get back to me our sponsor today is brothers cider I think we all can agree at this point that the best memories are made in person and not on screens there's nothing better than when one text turns into a group chat which then turns into like okay everyone time to come over and suddenly it's a whole thing and you're having the time of your life no overplanning just everyone showing up as they are and that's exactly the vibe that brothers bring brothers cider is all about real fruit and real flavor and that IRL energy you just can't fake it's a little unexpected but it always makes for a refreshing addition to any get together whether you're throwing the last minute hang a house party or just something that somehow ends up being way bigger than you ever planned it's intentionally different in the best way possible seriously brother cider has joy in its DNA it was born at Glastonbury festival so it's rooted in music spontaneity and just honestly having a good time with whoever's down next time plans come together out of nowhere look out for brothers and bring a little more real life joy into it grab brothers for your next get together it's a brothers thing this is an ad for Shopify guys starting a business can be so intimidating and lonely and you're like I don't even know where to begin what do I do and looking for a tool that not only helps you run your business but simplifies everything let's try Shopify okay the commerce platform behind millions of businesses worldwide Shopify helps you use premade templates to build a beautiful online store plus Shopify's ai tools can write product descriptions page headlines and enhance product photography you can easily create email and social media campaigns too and take advantage of Shopify's expertise spanning everything from inventory management to international shipping and processing returns I have told you guys but the minute I started selling merchandise for call her daddy on my own when I left barstool I immediately started using Shopify and it literally changed my business they were the one-stop shop for everything it was like I had a complete back end without having to actually have a back end of a bunch of people working for me and it was pretty incredible so turn your big business idea into reality with Shopify on your side sign up for your one pound per month trial and start selling today at Shopify dot code dot uk that's Shopify dot code dot uk okay next oh god okay hi daddy I need help because I think I'm jealous of a dog okay let's listen I've been in a situation ship for a while where I'm constantly wanting more attention and reassurance from the sky and barely getting it he's emotionally distant from me but with his dog he's obsessed baby voice cuddling Instagram stories constant infection the dog is treated like royalty so I know this guy is capable of what I'm looking for but I'm just not getting it how do I stop feeling insecure over a literal terrier first of all you guys know I'm a dog mom I love oh he takes Instagram stories constant infection cuddling I love this man with his dog yet this isn't about the dog though put the dog aside let's pretend there is no dog you just sadly have something to compare it to and unfortunately it's a four-legged creature which is even more sad this man unfortunately you're watching him give attention to a dog being like I wish I could get that cuddle that's really that's really this we're we're bottom of the barrel right now we are low we are low Brittany we are lower than the bar is low it's one thing if you see him like with his mom you're like oh that's weird or the sister or a friend we're talking about a terrier okay a little terrier who has no ill will towards you okay that he shits and he pees and he eats his dinner and he cuddles his dad what you're upset about is he's not giving you any reassurance because there's nothing to reassure you about it's a situation ship he's coming and going as he pleases and he doesn't clearly like you enough to actually give you the energy that you are looking that his dog is even getting I just think you have to always look at yourself when you're yearning for more from a man when you're like oh I want more I wish he would give it stop don't ever wish a man would give you more if he's not that's your answer if you're like but I just feel like if he could just I want to uh lalala ooh ooh ooh no if he wanted to cuddle you and take instagram stories with you like he's doing with his dog he would you'd be right in between the terrier would be right in between you and him okay frank terrier britney boom a fucking sandwich it'd be a it'd be a heavenly sunday you're all just cuddling together you're not there you're not even getting the invite like I don't think that this is the dog's problem I think that this man is fully showing you where his allegiance lies and it's not to his dog it's just not to you it's not fun it's not fun I know and I know some people be like god that's so harsh this is the harsh reality we need to whenever we write in saying I feel this and I feel like I wish he would do this and I wish he would do that wish when you wish upon a star I don't know what the rest of the song is and if it's dreams come true well cut that okay because dreams don't come true when you wish for anything with a man if he wants you you will know whoa let's get a load of this one help all caps I accidentally hooked up with my building's doorman after a holiday party I'm so obsessed with you okay we haven't addressed its sense but I have to see him basically every day and it's so awkward knowing I have to face him when I go down to get my hungover breakfast burrito delivery in the is the bane of my existence right now I'm attracted to him and down to hook up again but the vibe is really awkward right now and I don't know how to move forward oh my god first of all you lucky dog I have never in the history of ever had a hot doorman there has never been a doorman in my life that I was like Bert you want to bang like never oh my god and also the best part for you is you didn't wake up and be like oh my god look at Jerry he's like 65 but when I was hammered he looked 35 and I thought his cane was like his baseball bat from baseball practice I was so fucked up I fucked I fucked this old man like no you woke up and you said I would again and now it's just about finding that rhythm I kind of love this there's something really hot that could go down here because ooh what if he goes on his little break but his break is to go up to the sixth floor and go into six oh two and do you imagine the things that you could do now the problem is if this doesn't work out then it's just going to continue to be awkward so I think that this is what you're going to do take the risk you know take a risk take a chance and break away I think you're going to go down next time you're going down because it's you got to go outside um and I think if he's there you could either get your food delivery so it's a little bit more of like a pause so you have a reason to like stay there for a second or if there's like the males near him and like make sure you like wear those yoga pants but I think you just be like hey how have you been I think it's that fucking chill this man think about this from his perspective doorman manny let's call him manny oh manny you sexy little thing doorman manny is not trying to get fired bro doorman manny is like damn I fucked that bitch in 602 and she's hot as fuck and I can't believe that I fucked that bitch in 602 that's hot as fuck and manny's not trying to get his job whacked from him okay so manny's just trying to man the desk and manny's trying to keep his eyes above you know the neck level he's not trying to look at your cleavage when you're coming down he's not trying to make eye contact with you because you got to be the one to initiate right now that there's an HR I wonder if there's HR issues when it comes to doorman and residents regardless yeah he could make you like feel unsafe in your home you know so you could like whatever but you're not unsafe you want more from manny so I think you just have to approach him because he's not going to approach you because that think about it he's being so respectful doorman manny is like I'll wait for my queen to come back to me I'll wait for my princess to get up from her slumber she must have had a hard night last night and I think you have to be the one and I think it's going to be as easy as a hey how have you been and it may take a second he may be so thrown off he may be like not knowing if it's a trap so he may be like yeah I've been good how are you and then you're like good and then you can like walk by or you can have the balls and you can be like good like what are you doing this weekend like do you have any um like I don't know what their times are called like do you have any time off like from from the building do you have any time off like want to hang literally go for it manny man what is that song manny doesn't know that's not a song what's not a song you are so in it's crazy it's now just fully on you and I think that it's more awkward to skirt around man dog then just get in there and fuck his bones again and you can also establish I know that this is awkward you're literally in my building like this could go wrong but like let's have fun while it lasts and don't they rotate like doorman rotate okay so like while you're fucking him get his schedule so if things do go south hmm girl you know his every fucking move and you will beep boop boop around whenever he's down there you're taking the south exit or you know you're crawling on the floor to get past manny or you're just not leaving your home for four days so you don't have to see manny it's a classic I love that for you so much everyone well the story this week is fuck your doorman and get in there where you need to get in there what else did we talk about really good stuff today really good important stuff I am feeling so inspired I hope you guys enjoyed this episode I wanted to just be a light fun bright episode with a little sprinkle of family trauma it's a classic on call her daddy I love you guys so much I hope you have a wonderful wonderful upcoming week I know you're probably sitting there thinking oh god tomorrow's Monday no no it's not it's only a Monday if you make it pretend it's Friday tomorrow and then after you realize it's not Friday then you can tell yourself but don't let yourself get the anxiety and the stress of the Sunday scaries we're not doing it here on call her daddy today okay um love you guys so much I will see you fuckers on Wednesday goodbye our sponsor today is brothers cider I think we all can agree at this point that the best memories are made in person and not on screens there's nothing better than when one text turns into a group chat which then turns into like okay everyone time to come over and suddenly it's a whole thing and you're having the time of your life no over planning just everyone showing up as they are and that's exactly the vibe that brothers bring brothers cider is all about real fruit and real flavor and that irl energy you just can't fake it's a little unexpected but it always makes for a refreshing addition to any get together whether you're throwing a last minute hang a house party or just something that somehow ends up being way bigger than you ever planned it's intentionally different in the best way possible seriously brother cider has joy and its dna it was born at glaston berry festival so it's rooted in music spontaneity and just honestly having a good time with whoever's down next time plans come together out of nowhere look out for brothers and bring a little more real life joy into it grab brothers for your next get together it's a brother's thing this is an ad for Shopify guys starting a business can be so intimidating and lonely and you're like I don't even know where to begin what what do I do and looking for a tool that not only helps you run your business but simplifies everything let's try Shopify okay the commerce platform behind millions of businesses worldwide Shopify helps you use pre-made templates to build a beautiful online store plus Shopify's AI tools can write product descriptions page headlines and enhance product photography you can easily create email and social media campaigns to and take advantage of Shopify's expertise spanning everything from inventory management to international shipping and processing returns I have told you guys but the minute I started selling merchandise for call her daddy on my own when I left barstool I immediately started using Shopify and it literally changed my business they were the one stop shop for everything it was like I had a complete back end without having to actually have a back end of a bunch of people working for me and it was pretty incredible so turn your big business idea into reality with Shopify on your side sign up for your one pound per month trial and start selling today at Shopify dot code dot uk that's Shopify dot code dot uk from countryside escapes to seaside breaks and plenty of open roads in between there's a Mazda for every kind of summer get 0% APR on selected models when ordered by the 30th of June and keep your mind on the really important stuff like trying to eat that ice cream before it mounts search Mazda available on PCP when financed by Mazda financial services by the 30th of September 2026 indemnities may be required terms apply see website