What Your Wife Wants For Mother’s Day (Besides No More Fights At Dinner & Bedtime!) #588

24 min

•May 1, 202630 days ago

Summary

Kirk Martin discusses meaningful Mother's Day gifts and relationship strategies for fathers, emphasizing that emotional growth and breaking generational patterns are more valuable than material gifts. The episode features a listener's email about how the podcast helped him recognize his dismissive behavior toward his wife and commit to personal change. Martin provides actionable advice for husbands on de-escalation, active listening, and supporting their wives' emotional needs.

Insights

Emotional maturity and behavioral change in fathers is more valued by mothers than material gifts, as it reduces household stress and allows wives to stop managing their husband's emotions
Men often lack relationship skills because they were taught to compete and win rather than connect emotionally, requiring intentional learning and humility to change ingrained patterns
Dismissing a wife's concerns—even subtly—can be devastating, especially for women with childhood wounds around being unheard, and can eventually lead to her giving up on communication entirely
Practical relationship tools like structured conflict resolution (sharing perspectives without countering, waiting 12-24 hours before responding) are more effective than traditional couples therapy for resistant partners
Consistent small gestures throughout the year (flowers, cards, one night weekly of solo parenting) demonstrate genuine care more effectively than single grand gestures on Mother's Day

Trends

Growing awareness among fathers that emotional intelligence and relationship skills directly impact family dynamics and children's long-term psychological healthShift from viewing parenting as primarily a mother's responsibility to recognizing shared emotional labor and the need for fathers to actively manage their own triggersIncreased interest in breaking generational trauma patterns, with parents seeking tools to avoid repeating their own parents' dysfunctionRecognition that wives often carry invisible emotional labor (monitoring household temperature, managing both children and partner emotions) that goes unacknowledgedDemand for practical, non-clinical relationship frameworks that appeal to traditionally-minded men resistant to formal therapyEmphasis on vulnerability and admitting weakness as signs of strength rather than failure in modern parenting discourse

Topics

Emotional regulation and anger management for fathersBreaking generational trauma patterns in parentingActive listening and dismissive communication patternsConflict resolution strategies for couplesEmotional labor distribution in marriagesDe-escalation techniques at dinner table and bedtimeBuilding father-child bonding through bedtime conversationsWife validation and recognition of progressVulnerability and admitting personal limitationsChildhood wounds and their impact on adult relationshipsDefensive behaviors and withdrawal tactics in conflictMother's Day gift-giving beyond material itemsSolo parenting nights as relationship investmentTap-out signals and non-verbal conflict preventionStructured communication protocols for couples

Companies

IXL Learning

Online K-12 learning platform promoted as solution for students struggling or tired during school year

Cozy Earth

Bamboo bedding and clothing brand featured as gift option for wives, emphasizing comfort and quality

Rakuten

Cashback rewards platform mentioned as way to earn rewards on shopping at major retailers

People

Kirk Martin

Host discussing relationship advice, personal experiences with anger management, and strategies for fathers

Mrs. Calmon

Kirk's wife, referenced throughout episode as example of relationship dynamics and gift preferences

Casey

Kirk's son, used as example of bedtime bonding conversations and father-child relationship building

Quotes

"Kirk, when my wife first sent me your podcast, I was skeptical and you irritated me... over time I found myself changing and my kids began responding differently to me."

Listener/Email contributor•Early in episode

"I never knew relationships could be this gratifying... I've always found my work really gratifying and I'm into fitness and investing and I get a lot of satisfaction out of that. But I never knew relationships could be this gratifying."

Listener/Email contributor•Early in episode

"The best apology is to actually change. So put as much effort into changing yourself as you have into your career and sports, investing your hobbies."

Kirk Martin•Mid-episode

"You don't want a critical wife, but to have a wife who will come and say, you know, that's BS. You're better than that. And they can see through some of our immaturity."

Kirk Martin•Mid-episode

"If you don't change, this is exactly what's going to happen. You and your wife will begin drifting apart... The kids will gradually stop connecting with you."

Kirk Martin•Late in episode

Full Transcript

Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jumpstart your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. You know our kids love that. Your kids can explore any topic at any grade level. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership. When you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk, visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. There are some days when Mrs. Calmon and I just spent an entire 24 hour day enveloped in the heavenly softness of cozy earth bamboo from her stylish dress to my comfy shorts and a jogger set we sometimes sleep in under our cooling cozy earth bamboo sheets. The jogger set is what we crave to throw on 24 seven. I've got mine on now with a tapered fit and relaxed waistband that's stylish enough to wear while running errands with the kids, going to soccer games or just hanging out with friends. Everything from cozy earth is lightweight, breathable and soft as a cloud. Mrs. Calmon says her cozy earth clogs make it feel like a comfy bed for her tired feet. Plus you get a 100 night trial and a 10 year warranty. If you're looking for a cozy earth, go where your day goes. Head to cozy earth.com and use code calm for 20% off. Please mention you heard about cozy earth from the calm parenting guy. That's cozy earth.com code calm for 20% off. You're going to love this. Don't you wish everything was more rewarding? With a racket and almost everything is. You can earn cashback on those new shoes you've been wanting. Just mash in on groceries. Just join shop your favorite brands and save. Boots, Sephora, Asos, Selfridges, M&S, Sainsbury's. The list is long. Save online at over 550 stores and when it's time to redeem those rewards. Get your money exactly how you want it. Choose bank transfer or PayPal. So go ahead, take a trip. Fill a cart, get a new outfit. Rakuten is a world of rewards. Join today for free. Go to rakuten.co.uk or get the app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Kirk, you irritate me. That was the subject line of an email that I got that is the inspiration for this episode. It was a father and husband who emailed this. He said, Kirk, when my wife first sent me your podcast, I was skeptical and you irritated me. I told my wife, he has too many ads on this podcast. She just smiled and over time I found myself changing and my kids began responding differently to me. Then my wife said, hey, we need to take this to the next level. We need to buy the downloadable programs. I, of course, said we don't need that and I dismissed her concerns. But we bought them and I saw that there was a program called Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms. And I was curious. So I began listening to that on my commute because I've only ever looked at things from a dad's point of view. So it was enlightening. And one insight that jumped out to me is that my wife's voice was never heard when she was a kid. She was always dismissed and her parents never really listened to her. And then she married me and I'm afraid I've been dismissive until you told me to grow up. So now that I am aware of that, I am actually helping my wife kind of find her confidence in speaking up and being assertive as a person. So I'm actually involved in helping heal this childhood wound instead of making it worse. And I'm helping her break the pattern. And so he said, this is interesting and I can relate to this as a guy. I've always found my work really gratifying and I'm into fitness and investing and I get a lot of satisfaction out of that. But I never knew relationships could be this gratifying. That's a really good insight and that is amazing. And I should just end the podcast here and say go listen to the programs together and help each other break your patterns. But this dad also asked for ideas for a meaningful Mother's Day gift for his wife, besides stopping those fights at the dinner table and bedtime. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Irritating Kirk Martin. You can find us on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. I'm very active there. And we have our special PDA Parent Podcast at celebratecalm.com. So look, I'm not going to speak for your wife or the moms out there. Ask her. Ask your wife and then listen. Really listen and then get her something she's mentioned in passing or told you directly that she wants. And at some point you need to step up and surprise her. But be vulnerable. Take a risk. Get your wife a gift that she didn't have to tell you to get. That shows you've listened to her. And I remember the first few times I tried getting creative gifts her Mother's Day and Christmas and her birthday. It was scary. What if I get her something stupid? Well, that's a distinct possibility that happened. But what she most appreciated was knowing I wasn't going through the motions. I was putting extra thought into it. By the way, I tend to think in themes. So I like coming up with a theme for it because then I can get different things that all relate to that. It just helps me with kind of piecing together things a little bit creatively. So one of the best gifts I ever did was I organized a getaway weekend with a few of her good friends. But that was only after I'd learned how to control myself. So she didn't have to spend the entire weekend wondering when she'd be getting calls from home. I also began getting a sure thing like a safe gift. Now that's anything from cozy earth. And I just just use code column. You'll get an extra special discount. But she loves everything from there. And so do I. I'm actually wearing my cozy earth right now and then try something a little more risky. Look, I had some bombs, but she was gracious because I tried one more thing. Your wife will appreciate this even more if you do it consistently throughout the year. Not just one day as an obligation in May. So set a calendar reminder. Bring home flowers. You forgot to do that. Send her a card in the mail. Letting her know how lucky you are that your kids have the best mom ever. Now for the dad who emailed this and all the men out there who are actively working on your own anger issues, being emotionally supportive of your wife, learning how to deescalate situations and breaking those generational patterns, kudos to you. I am proud of you. This is harder, more taxing work than your job. But it is an indescribable gift. You're giving to yourself because you're becoming someone you respect and can be proud of. It's a gift to your wife because she no longer has to walk on eggshells around you or manage your emotions or mother you. And it's a gift to your kids because they're not going to grow up with the same wounds and dysfunction you and I have had to overcome and that it was likely sabotage some of your relationships and success in life. My guess is that for most moms, this is the greatest gift you could ever give her. To know that when your intense, strong-willed child begins to melt down or act out, her nervous system doesn't have to be on high alert, wondering who to calm first, you or your child. She doesn't have to be the referee between her child and the man she married. She doesn't have to be afraid to bring up some uncomfortable issues knowing that will be met with denial or anger or a dismissive or manipulative tone. So keep doing this, keep changing. Everything else is likely just a bonus for your wife. But let's do a little straight talk and some helpful strategies for all the guys out there, especially those who are a little bit resistant to change. Whenever mom emails about her husband, my first questions are, hey, what was his father like? And do you think he feels helpless to change? Because I had a horrible role model as my dad and I felt helpless at first. Like, how am I supposed to acquire these relationship skills when no one has ever shown me as a guy? All I've ever been taught my entire life is how to compete and win, and I'm good at that. But no one has ever showed me how to be good at relationships or to actually control my emotions. In fact, I'll just say like, I was taught to use my emotions as a weapon to get what I wanted. That's what I have three brothers. That's what we were taught by our dad. So that's not an excuse. I just want guys to know I know how hard this is and I'm always willing to help any guy who humbles himself and says, I mean, I really need some help. So let's go through a quick list of things to stop doing as a husband and father. And everything I'm going to mention, I was guilty of doing myself. I used to react and start escalating with my son, and then my wife would step in. When that happens, we as men are tempted to say, well, she's undermining me. She's undermining my authority. No, you are undermining your own authority because you abdicate your authority and leadership role when you're not leading. You are reacting. Your child is in control of you. She wouldn't have to be forced to step in if you could control yourself and she's not coddling your child. She's probably coddling you. So look, no blame or guilt. Just own that when your wife brings something up. How often do you dismiss it? Oh, honey, you're just overreacting. There's no reason to be upset or worried. I don't do that. And I will tell you that hurts your wife more than you know. And I used to do that because I couldn't handle hard emotional things. So I dismiss or and or ignore it, but that will catch up to you in your relationship. So many of us have wives who are never allowed to speak up at home. They were made to be the good girl and the people pleaser. So when you're think about this, when your wife takes a chance, it's a risk and tries to be assertive to tell you that something needs to change. She is battling a lot of fear and overcoming a lot of childhood pain. So when you dismiss her concerns, it's devastating. And what you don't want is when she eventually stops asking, that's a bad sign because then she's given up and you don't want that. So ask her, just ask your wife, does this happen? Do I dismiss you? And then don't get angry when she says yes. By the way, notice if your wife says things to you sheepishly. That's not the way it's supposed to be. You didn't get married so that your wife has to come and say, honey, I really need to ask you something. No, you want someone. Look, you want someone who's confident and will call you on your BS. You know why? Because we as men are really good at BS and we hide behind that. And it is such a gift not to have a critical wife, but to have a wife who will come and say, you know, that's BS. You're better than that. And they can see through some of our immaturity. That's a great thing when you can do that for each other. So you have an opportunity to help your wife like the dad who emailed to be the confident person she was meant to be. How cool would that be? To be instrumental in the growth of your wife and yourself. Stop apologizing and promising, right? Because we say, oh, I'll do better. I did that. It became empty words just like threatening your kids with consequences you can't keep. Eventually your wife and kids don't respect what you say. The best apology is to actually change. So put as much effort into changing yourself as you have into your career and sports, investing your hobbies. And I'm ashamed to say I used to do this really manipulative stuff, right? I was good dad basically, but I ended up somehow sabotaging every evening somehow. Whether it was nitpicking my son at the dinner table or yelling at bedtime or overreacting. And I'd see the disappointment, disapproval on my wife's face and then I'd get defensive. Fine. You know what? You guys would be better off without me. And then I'd storm out to the garage and stew in my anger, my confusion, my embarrassment, my helplessness before having to kind of slink back inside like nothing happened. And you might be a master at that, right? Fine. Everything I do is wrong. Why don't you just do everything with the kids and I'll just go earn the money. And you can tell when you're saying these things, you're like that helpless six year old. So catch yourself and just own it. Now, if you're too passive or withdrawal while your wife is forced to be the bad guy, then learn how to step up and support her. You just need some new tools and skills. And I used to think, well, if the kids would just stop, would just listen and do what I said, then I wouldn't react in yet. Well, that's BS. And you know it. Stop making excuses and blaming a child. Just be honest and own it. Look, I have anger issues. I'm too reactive. I yell and I shouldn't. I'm immature and expect the kids to control their emotions, but I can't control my own. It's like I need my kids to behave so that I can behave. This is just honest statements. This will actually cause your family to respect you more. And it's a way to then hold yourself accountable. No blame, no guilt. We're all flawed, immature creatures. Everybody struggles with something. So just own it. Wives, I just encourage you, when you see your husband making progress in an area, recognize it. Short and sweet. You know what? I've noticed. I noticed how you caught yourself at dinner tonight. That saved the whole night. Hey, I've noticed you being more patient with the kids. See, we're accustomed to being validated in our jobs and sports and finances, but not usually with emotional or relational things. So it's really meaningful. So what can we start doing now? One thing we do control around here is the quality of the water our family drinks. 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That was three years ago. We immediately noticed reduced allergy symptoms, better sleep and cleaner air for our family. Air doctors powerful three stage filtration captures extremely small particles about a hundred times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove. Air doctor captures airborne contaminants. You don't want to breathe in. Dust, pollen, mold spores, pet dander, bacteria, viruses and more. It's partially why Air doctor won Newsweek's Readers Choice Award for Best Air Purifier. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code calm to get up to $300 off today. Air doctor comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a three year warranty and $84 value free. Get this exclusive offer now at airdoctorpro.com using promo code calm. You can also get a free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psychos psych That was my entire childhood was fearing is my dad going to come home and hit my mom or start yelling at us. Be that guy who when you're driving, you don't hold your family hostage like I used to while we're raging at other drivers and your family is kind of white knuckling it hoping you don't crash or flip someone off. It's kind of funny. I began emailing with a guy whose email inspired this episode. We were talking about this dynamic, how we as guys get sometimes we get really intense and we'll rant about money or politics or little things. That can put our wives on edge even though inside we're not really that upset. It's kind of like listening to Italian people talk. You think they're fighting and it's like no, they're just kind of intense and they're doing it like this. He said, yeah, I kept complaining about your ads on your podcast and my wife finally said, seriously, this guy's basically saved your marriage and family. You don't want to get paid to give you free advice and you won't blanket spending $500 on your hobbies, but you'll get all worked up about spending $5 per month to get 500 episodes with no ads on them. He replied, well, I have to complain about something, honey. That's how a lot of us are, but we don't have to be like that. By the way, if you want, you can subscribe. We have an ad free version at celebratecom.com and I priced it low just so it's easy. So here's one of my favorite gifts to give your wife. So go to your wife and say, hey, honey, every Tuesday night or one night a week or once every two weeks or once a month, I'm going to handle homework, dinner and bedtime with the kids. You can go out by yourself. You can go out with a friend. You can just sit in the car all alone. I don't care, but I'll handle everything. And you don't have to worry that when you get home, you're going to have to clean up an emotional mess with the kids. Ask her how she'd like that as a gift because the truth is she probably does that for you all the time and you never look, I'll just make it me. When I was a young dad, I never had to worry. Like if I had to work late or if I went out with some friends, I was never worrying about getting a call from home right of saying like, oh, the kids are all wound up. I don't know what to do. No, I didn't have to worry, but sometimes our wives have to do that for us. There's that constant taking the emotional temperature of the home, even when they're not in the home. So do that for your wife. Okay, two new traditions to handle conflict because a lot of guys get defensive when their wives speak up or point things out that need to change. So here are a couple of new traditions you can practice together. So have a kind of tap out tradition, a code word, a signal, a nonverbal, a nice touch on the shoulder that you two give each other before things escalate. So at the dinner table, right, dad's getting kind of upset. It could be something where your wife gets up and she goes to the cupboard and says, oh honey, could you come help me reach this? See, it gives you an out and she doesn't have to correct you in front of the kids. Here's another one in our call. If you do get the program, it's part of the calm parenting bundle. There's a calm couples program. So you don't have to go to couples therapy, which most guys hate or guys go and they end up charming. Watch how we do this stuff, guys. I did this too. I'm guilty of all of it. You go in and you'll charm and disarm the therapist, right? I don't want that anymore. So we go through our ways to handle conflict without withdrawing. So practices. So a situation comes up. Each of you, you share your perspective, but you don't try to counter it or prove your point. You can ask follow up questions, but only for clarity. You're just laying out your thoughts and your opinions in the open with neither of you, neither of you get to react. Then you take 12 hours or 24 hours or when both of you are ready before you respond. And during that time, your goal is to seek to understand what your spouse is saying, to see where there's a kernel of truth, while also better defining what you disagree with or what needs to be understood better. And this takes the pressure off of trying to decide who's right in the moment and then withdrawing or running off. And it eliminates that defensiveness. It allows you to really think through things overnight. You both feel heard. You both have time to step into each other's shoes. And it prevents that dynamic I was always guilty of. When my wife was telling me something, I was too busy formulating my response to actually hear her. So I'm just going to do this short and sweet, a blunt talk with men. I want you to know if you don't change, this is exactly what's going to happen. You and your wife will begin drifting apart. It may have already started. The respect will be gone. The kids will gradually stop connecting with you. That's what got me to change. I noticed my son wasn't coming to me anymore to play or ask for advice. And many guys inside will be like, well, this is too hard and I'm not good at this relationship stuff. So I'll just throw myself further into my work because that's the one thing you feel like you have control of and mastery over. But then you're beginning living divided lives. And when the kids get older, the divorce comes. And now 50% of what you put all that effort into is gone. But the worst part is the regret from not ever really growing up or having a close connection with your kids. I promise you, you do not want that. So let's do the relationship work. So I want you to ask each other this, what is one thing I could begin doing differently that would make a difference in the home? Just one, something small and simple, and then begin doing that. So here's a real life example for a dad who would end the day by getting upset at his son every night at bedtime. So look, have a plan. I wish I had so many of these nights back. I could have bonded and built so many great memories instead of kind of making it so everybody went to bed upset. And I know you're tired, but so is your child. And that means you're more emotionally vulnerable in a good way. So you walk in and you lie down next to your child. And then you bring up a topic your child is interested in, or you ask your son or daughter their opinion about a current event, or even a business question like, hey, what do you think? How should I do this? Casey and I would have talks, hey, who's the best classic rock guitarist? Why do you like this team? This car, this food better than others. You could tell stories from your own childhood. You talk about history or war or cars, whatever your child is interested in. And then you listen to them. And I promise this could be start of a tradition that becomes extra meaningful to you both. That's the time of night. You can have a lot of influence and plant lots of seeds. And can you imagine how gratifying this would be to your wife to hear you talking quietly to and bonding with your son or daughter right before bed? So the cool thing about this email from this dad I mentioned at the beginning is that he said his wife listened to the dad's program and told him, it helped me understand actually how far you have come, given your own dad's anger issues. And I think it's also helping me support you better. Now that is cool. It's a fantastic idea. Listen to the downloadable programs together and then discuss what you can begin doing to support each other. And then if your wife has mentioned listening to the podcast or getting the programs, then get them. Begin listening on your own and making small changes. She will notice. She will respect for you that for that. And as you go through the programs on your commute or during workouts, you'll notice your responses become more natural. You become the man you want to be. And if you have specific triggers that you still struggle with, you can email me. I will help you. Okay, let's make these changes this week. Work on some small things. Learn to de-escalate. Okay. Much respect to you all. If we can help you in a way, reach out to KC-C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm calm and we'll help you with whatever you need. Okay. Love you all. Bye bye. In the race to scale with AI, you need data infrastructure that can match your pace. EverPeer's data storage platform brings all your data into one hub. No silos. No scrambling. Just instant access to tame your data chaos. The world moves fast. You work day, even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. 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