Bley’s Fastballs Part I

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Blay, you started, you pitched an idea and you were like, oh, you guys could talk about and I said, yeah, I don't know. And then you went, okay, another idea. And then I said, well, I'm not. And then you said, hey, and a third one. And I said, hey, just slow your roll, man. You were like someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour. And I was getting hit by fastballs left and right. And I was like, calm down and let the creative process happen. And then I said to Sona, you said, well, I'm not going to say anything. And I said, well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea. And then can you just clarify something? This is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode. Yeah. So we're trying to cover like, yeah, but you know, and listen, we ran out of fans. We should just tell people right now. Worldwide, done. We're done. Yeah. We talked to all 111 of our fans. That's right. Worldwide, some of them three times, then they would put on mustaches. And different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we could. And then we officially talked to the last fan. And we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that. Yeah. And then we should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode. We were first pitching ideas. And then it got into the talking about pitching. And then I have a quick question. What the fuck is a pitch machine? Yeah. Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine? Yeah. It's also like, it can be double because he's pitching things. Yeah. Yeah. That's a double meaning. But I think you gave it more than he ever intended. No, I'm sorry. I think he tried it. Yeah. It's not about his words before he put them to the page. I mean, can we, can we then talk about what Eduardo said? Well, just a second. There's a thing that I'm, there's a thing I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writer's rooms and been in them all the time. You would get sometimes in a situation where one writer is like, hey, we could do that, that, that, that, and it's a little like that, that small dog straining against the reach. Well, here it was a large dog with a gray hair and a beard who was saying, we could do this. We could do that. And I was just trying to say, slow it down just a little bit. You are, you're forcing all the groundwater out. And we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill. And that's a, I'm a master of analogies and that's good. And so that's all I was trying to get to play. And I respect your ideas and occasionally there's a good one, but I just thought you had to slow it down a bit. Okay. I do. What was your third idea that we didn't, that I didn't want to discuss your first two? Well, I don't want to hear that first one. Those weren't good ideas. I see you see it as, as let's let the groundwater fill up. I'm saying, I'm trying to throw kindling like I, I see, here's how I see it. Here's how I see it. I see it as, here's how I see it at 10 times. But then you never say how you see it. Well, I see it as, because you don't let it out. Yeah, how I see it is, this room is full of creative, smart people. I don't see that. What are you looking at? And we're a bunch of mouths trying to have a mirror. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Put it back. Put it back. Put it back. Put it back. Oh my God. I don't want to give it to you. Come on. Come on. Come on. You got me right now. It's not funny. Yeah. Oh my God. He's dancing. Oh listen. And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mouse trap room. Yeah, but. And then something bounces off something and then something bounces off something and then you come up with something. Yeah, you could also, just how do I this? Pitch an idea, Blake from now on. And then count to 70. 70. And I mean 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about that? You come from the no bad ideas brainstorming school and I appreciate that. Yeah. And I come from the mostly bad idea school because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it does everybody down at any turn school. Yeah. Well listen, I think that's a little unfair. I'm ready for your apology now. See, shut me down. So what we had talked about right before we were rolling was, Sonya said, you know, I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes. Eduardo actually said that. Eduardo said that. And I agree with that. I think you like Eduardo's ideas. Where the mind is listen to right now. They're the same. No, listen to yourself right now, Blake. Okay. Listen to the tone of your voice. You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a tea-bond steak and you shout. Yes. has something called EQ and Riz. I would do him in a Mississippi minute. Oh my God. Well now we have our pitch. Is this a person of heated rivalry? I'm saying the people here that work for you that you want to do them. You have to stop doing. I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I do. Yeah. Why do you go around the office, start telling people you don't want to do it. Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch. But a rivalry podcast, a podcast heated rivalry. Oh man. What could you do? I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera right here? This is, this is Blade. Look at that. This is Blade right now. And if you can get our video, check it out. Blade grabs it and he looks at me and he says, Hey, here's an idea. Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of central charm. Eduardo says things quietly and he says them with a sense of self respect. He says he has a sort of changing yourself. He says he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this. Whereas Blase thing is I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Blade, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? I used to work at Kmart and I did do that. Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore. You weren't also worked for Leach Meers, Sears, all those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s Blade worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet. You would have done so well with the gap. I worked at the gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that. And I was so uncomfortable I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people. I would respond to that. You would? I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things. I like that. I'm much insurance if you buy. I have like 12 time shares. He was enthusiastic. I had to. Blase and I'm not putting you down. No. I don't think I've said, I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you. I'm not putting you down. I'm passionately insulting you. Do you agree that my impersonation of Blase's body language in tone is not far off? Do you agree? I feel like it's a mean version of that. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. No, I'm a, I'm on team Blay here. And you know what you do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy and then when you're talking about a Eduardo, you kind of take on a Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly. Yeah, which is not how you talk to him. Yeah, which is never. You're not that guy. You're not that guy. You're more like that guy. You're not that guy. You're that guy. Sonah, your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hated. And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress your spectacular. Oh my God. Oh my God. He's just got the days. And guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me. Oh. That's how much of an Eduardo fan I have. And you know what? I'd like to put on a sweatshirt. You gave me Blay. But there is one. I see what's going on here. It's all about bribery. I get it. I get it. So I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to get you a couple sweatshirts. You do grab. You're not helping. Oh, okay. You just grab the mic. Yes. And you swivel it around to. And guess what? It's not even a swivel mic. You bent the iron bar. And you pulled it around to you. But you grab it. Well, Eduardo and I have to share a mic. And it's very... Why are you shouting? Seriously. I don't know. I don't know. Seriously. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the myestro. Does Blaze shout? Does he... Is he... Can he be a little loud? I mean, that's... It's not a question, of course he is. Of course he is. Of course he is. I mean, there's a empirical evidence. We have... It's a fact. We don't say... We don't say... We're not saying he doesn't shout. Eduardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery when Blaze grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus? You have to ride Blaze levels constantly. Yeah. That's just technical proof. That's all that is. What am I? Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much. Not as much as... Not as... You know what? Blaze consistently laughs. What's the spectrum of level riding here? Hey, Blaze, you're consistent. Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level riding here in this room? Like who... Blaze at one end? Well, it's probably Conan who I'm riding. Because you can get where you're quiet. You're a great idea. Yes. And then it happens a lot. You're dynamic. When I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder, to really knock it out of the park, and it might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved, possibly, or it could be our ads. I don't know. Take your pick. But yes, I know that I... I'm painting a picture, and I'm using a wide range of colors in the palette. Yes. Meanwhile, Blaze, like I said, consistently at a high level. You know what you would have been great as if you could time travel an air raid warden in World War II in the Blitz. You know what I mean? You would... People would immediately know we've got to get out of here. Or a town cryer. Yeah. Well, no, because no one would get to sleep. Town cryer had to ride the levels too. So these are... This is a complicated conversation, and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic. Do we fight? Yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win? Because I am Stalin? Yes. I do. So moving forward. Oh, look at that. Thank you. Could you give me some tips? Because I want to learn. I want to learn. Keep it down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to learn and be better. One of the top three things. I could just write them down and have a little post-it note here. And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note. What should be on the post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better? Where are some tips? Well... Oh my god, there's a big sign. Be Eduardo. Yeah, it's Eduardo. You should be asking Eduardo not Conan. Yeah, okay, too shak. Eduardo. What? Eduardo, what are some things I could do to be better? To be better and not as annoying? Take a deep breath. Oh, that's good. Okay. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe or they get breathed, tattooed on their hand. Okay. I think you push a lot of air out. And look, I'll admit, am I that different? No. Is there some thought that goes into it? Probably. But you're constantly pushing out. And I think you do need to take a breath. Okay. And there can be a... People can miss a perceive that there's a desperation involved. Oh. Which I don't think there is. You're not desperate. You've been employed by me for how many years? Since 2001, so that's 25 years. That's good math. I just take the current year and take one away. That's how I did it. So you... You're awful. I'm a... I just listened to what I said. I just... It's a true story. I just listened to that come out of my head and part of my brain went, you're a dick. You have a thing you smiled. Yeah. You took it as a compliment. You took your home. Oh wait. That part of my brain is high five in the other part of my brain. Oh my god. Wait. This is crazy. Two synapses just formed little hands and high five each other. That's so crazy. I don't think it's ever happened. If I was in... Did those avatar tailfuck? Yeah. And they were just... No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go... Form two glove hands. Like Mickey Mouse, four fingered glove hands and go... Good one. So anyway... Good God. Yeah. I just think that's a really good... Okay. It's take a breath. All right. This isn't gonna last. You know that. You're gonna go have... You who get a sugar high and start yelling again. Let's test it out. Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us tonight. Eduardo. Yeah. And wipe all the sweat off your pants. I'm really sorry. Well, Eduardo's not sweating. You look like you just talked a seven-fourth... A passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely and you're like... Oh! Okay, let's go. Here we go. Okay. Okay. I'm in the new play. Hi, Blake. You have put it up. Put it up one. Yeah. Okay. Let me wipe off the beard drop off. I got it. Wait, don't say beard drop. Button. Up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing a tour of sets. Two loose. Hey, you know what I love? He is the sensei now. Eduardo is your sensei. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce... Wait, not the top one. Oh my God. He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button off. Why don't you do both buttons? Okay. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet... The new 2026 play. Hi, Blake. How are you? I'm doing great. Good. Thanks. Thanks very good. Not an asthma breath. Yeah. Really off mic. Oh, I'm good. Yeah. I'm doing great. You're doing all right? Yes. Thank you for having me. And do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future? Yes. I do have a thought. And recently you reported... Now you just seem depressed. I can't do this. I can't do this. You're very depressed now. Okay. What I was going to like about... Hey, you know what? I loved you and hammed it. You were great. Lean back, not into the mic. Oh. You know what the mic doesn't go that far back. The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth. Oh, yeah. It's not... It's not... It's not natural. I had an idea. Oh my God. That was too loud. That was too loud. I don't know. Just try. Okay. I had an idea. Which was... You said you're not looking for any more... After... If I had legs, I would kick you. You weren't looking for any more dramatic roles. I thought it'd be fun to come up with a segment where you are like... Daniel Day Lewis, you're in retirement. What kind of roles you would come back to... Back to acting for? Oh. Okay. Well, I think that's a... That's a fine pitch. Yeah. I really do. I think that's a fun... He came back to acting because... Oh, no. He's gripping the mic against... It's so crazy. You cannot... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge. Okay. When I saw Blake leaning back, I was like, oh, this is... This is actually... No, no, you should... We should get duct tape soaking wet with sweatbots. Just let the... Let the sweat... I'm so sweat- You're sweating about your sweat- I'm sweating about your sweat- You should get duct tape and tie him to his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair. That's my idea. Okay. That's nice. Okay. I think that's fine. And just to bring up people up to date, I... I... Small part of a movie? I'm a fine part of it. Yeah, pretty big part. Pretty good part. Yeah. Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing directing of Mary Bronstein. Yeah. And the performance. And the performance of a lifetime by Rose Berm, which is really saying something because I adore her. Yeah. So, yeah. I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well and there's been some question, would I do another movie role? And I say, that's a good idea, Blake. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice calm tone. If they have any ideas of the kind of role I should play. And I mean, serious pitch is not your rooster, your woody woodpecker, that kind of stuff. Hey, I have an idea because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do it too part of this episode? I love it. I love it. I've got the pitch settled. By this time, Blake, he's just rolling in trim because he's so cool and collected. Rollin' in trim? Yeah. You mean gash? You mean that sweet slid? I'm talking about some serious trench. Jesus. I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute. Are we off PBS now? Do you want to apologize to Blake? You mean I'm sweat a lot. No, I don't think I did. Oh. I was. He's really. I'm so glad. You made him very vulnerable. I was entirely. This was a, you know what this was? It's good. I was a very, very good, tough, but effective therapist. And I think I made a big change in Blake's life. Thank you. I hope a big change in my life because you'll stop. I think you did. Yeah. I helped him. You really feel like you think he helped you? Yeah. He did it. So, if I didn't care about Blake, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him. There we go. Oh my god. I think that's right. Okay. Let's wrap this up. And next week, let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft spoken play had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie role. So we'll see you soon. Okay. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Liyah, incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien, needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are down.