From Hooves to Haute with Trixie and Katya

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We're not doing that many dates and my New Year's resolution is quality over quantity. And we're doing it. We're doing it. Can you believe we had to add a second show to Boston and Toronto? Queen. We sure did. So you f***ing Bostonians and Toronto in Torontites or whatever the f*** you call yourselves, you better get some tickets. Yeah. Snatch them up. We do have a few seats left for some of these cities and we are not doing that many of these this year. No. It's going to be hot. it's going to be exclusive it's going to be fabulous tickets available now at TrixieandKati.com Queen A2 Uncigarette that's what I got you know I'm at this weird way where I feel unreasonably swollen and huge but people people have been saying nice things to me so I'm trying to just understand that we are not reliable narrators about ourselves people say trust people I know we're not supposed to listen to people but how are we supposed to listen to ourselves? Baby, no, no, no. No, it's the opposite. It's the opposite. Don't listen to people. I'm like, have you heard me? Yeah, I know. Do you want to hear what I say to myself? It's like, I don't care what anybody says. You should. You should not care about what you say. Yeah. It's like, I, yeah. No, people, I always felt like, I don't give a fuck what people say, well, then you're a sociopath. Yeah. It's the, can I be vulnerable? Please. It's, it's, it's, it's been a, it's been a struggle time. And I have been back to therapy twice. a week. It's a high-risk environment. Let's get something prescribed. You need to be protected from yourself. From yourself. Should we shackle you to the chair? Have you seen that 9-1-1 clip? Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, God. You need to apologize. This is your camera? Yeah. You need to apologize. This is a video I never thought I would have to make. Except when you did this last... The time you chewed gum, you would have thought it was like Steve Harvey reading the wrong Miss Universe or whatever. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was like a gun went off in the universe. It was like, where were you when the world stopped turning? It was like that woman drove 90 hours, 90 miles an hour into the gas station and killed the little baby. And you did it on my birthday. It's like when I came to your birthday party and then just lit everybody on fire. That was almost as bad as the gum. Yeah. Almost as bad. It's your birthday soon. What are you talking about? Yours is in the spring. It's about to be spring. what's the plan? It ain't about to be spring. Yes, it is. It ain't even February. It ain't even February. We got to get over that hump. Once we get over the February hump, then we'll talk in March. Well, the day after your birthday, we're starting on my birthday. So like... Okay. Well, I mean, yeah. It's basically the years divided into my birthday and your birthday. I've completely changed feelings about becoming an adult and people who say, I don't like to make a big deal about a birthday. Birthdays don't matter. I'm sorry, bitch. Does your life matter? You're alive. Yes. However Tell that to the people Who didn't reach 36 Tell them it doesn't matter Thank you Go into the grave Get the Long Island medium No Why is she dead? Oh she's talking to the people In the grave Okay I was like She drowned Does that make sense? I would love to get The Long Island medium The Hollywood medium And The extra large medium Ross Matthews Extra large medium charge Yeah And then I want Sylvia Brown And Tyler Henry In the same room Oh my god Agreed Free cough Tyler you love who you love he's like he drowned well actually he lives in Reseda well he will drown is it raining in Reseda have you talked to him today he drowned does that make sense he drowned does that make sense incredible let me tell you I have a hard time telling you this he's not your father but you love who you love she said that like a P flag mom you love who you love but wait celebrate our birth absolutely We don't do birthday months. No. We don't do birthday weeks even. No, that's, you know what that is? That is perpetuated by big balloon. Big hallmark. I was going to say it's big sorority because it's very sorority girl energy. It's my birthday month. Can I say there's a special provision? If you had a very long labor, if you were halfway hanging out with your mom for 30 days, it is your birthday month. Yes. But most of us, it's kind of more of a one day thing. If your mother was in labor for 30 days. If my mother was in 30, girl, and frankly, we should be celebrating her. Thank you. Thank you. That blown out ran through pussy. One time I was watching Roseanne. Before. It was a long time ago. Yeah. But I saw. And Roseanne, there's a part where Jackie's a week overdue from having her baby. And Roseanne's like, you just need to relax. And Jackie's like, I have a one week old child living inside me. And after due date, you do have some kid. Yeah. Squatter's rights. I was late. Oh, no. Yeah. How late were you? Three months. No, I. No. Yeah. She was pregnant. Twelve months. Yeah. 12 month pregnancy. That's why, I mean, I came out about four years old. Yeah. I, I, I think I was late. Um, I could be the last baby, right? But you know, moms have all this, moms have all this to the moment information about the first birth. Wow. Like my mom, the rest of us, I feel like no information. I'm always like, whenever we're talking about like, like astrology, what time of morning, my mom's like, what time of morning? Yeah. I was, I don't know. I was pregnant the next day. Who cares about you? I'm sorry if I can't remember the time you just, ripped my pussy apart. You know what I mean? Well, also all the chemicals, the forgetting. Baby. The trauma. The epidural. The enemas. Yeah. Well, my mom did, I was C-section. C-section is different. It's a surgery. Of course, you don't remember. It's funny because that to me, I read that as like section eight housing. Well, that came later. It was C-section. I was like, oh, got it. Yeah. Sectioned. C-section. And that's, is that a, that's, that's when they cut. No, I know what it is. Is it how, yikes. So there's a lot of reasons why people might do it. Of course. My mom, I think, had a difficult first time. So then the rest of us, three kids, they did the surgery. And of course, I mean, it didn't work with Ashton Kutcher when he tried to strangle himself with that umbilical cord and the butterfly effect. That's right. Isn't that wild? I read the Wikipedia. I didn't see the movies. I couldn't, I don't think I could handle that movie. By the movies are back. You're just on Wikipedia. Your cliff notes in movies. The movies are back. My internet kicked in again. I saw the poster. I follow the main actress on Instagram and I read the Wikipedia. So yeah, I have seen it. strangling myself in the umbilical cord to undo all this like soon to come tragedies Cunty Back to my mental health? Not that I haven't considered it Could I back to the future myself and go up to my mom's baby and say Don't come out Don't come out I'd probably have to be a swimsuit model work with Adriana Lima All that pressure As what, her driver? work with her as her emotional support dog. You're going to do tiling in her guest house? As emotional support dog. Wait, what about Candace Swainpole, baby? Who? Candace motherfucking Swainpole. Is that the girl who was on Fuller House? No, that's Candace Cameron, and she is a trumper. No, this is a woman who, when she walked down the Victoria's Secret one-way, one-way, the Victoria's Secret one-way, I said to myself, baby, I'm not gay anymore. Oh, wow. Who is it? Mama Kent. I'm going to show a picture. Also, I have another thing that I have to gripe about. Fake weenies on the television. We've talked about that. No, we didn't. No, we didn't. We talked about it in the hallway just now. Maybe we talked about Netflix. We talked about fake weenies. We can't see a weenie without you bringing up the fake weenies. Maybe there's an epidemic and it's called fake weenies. I need you to take it. Maybe that's why your sex drive went away. Because you think they're all fake now. Look at them. Oh, wow. Egregiously fake. Egregious. I mean, I can't tell. Excuse me? You can't tell. Or are they all looking at the wieners? AZman.com. Love that website. You have a privacy screen. Oh, well, you know why now. Porn. Fake weenies. If I want to check in on the fake weenie on the subway, I don't want to be on that list. Yeah. So the Victoria's Secret whatever, whatever show. I hadn't been aware of this model. She's in her 30s. if I were able to Oda Mae Brown into her body force your way in and just inhabit her physical frame for even 12 minutes I just can't I can't overstate the fact that you, you, you and everybody at home all your life chances would evaporate in milliseconds oh wow, okay because the way the tidal wave of of unbridled, unparalleled and unprecedented eroticism and sexuality that would just like a tsunami. If you were her, if I were her for even 12 minutes, 12, 15 minutes, but you're not. So I got pulled over. We got to do a graphic of Ms. Wayne pole. Put it up there. We don't have guests. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take that much power. I would be blinded. I would have to gouge my eyes out. She's so beautiful. Yeah. So you're pulled over. yeah I'm pulled over I've been being more hip I've been being more Gen Z so I got pulled over and I was like not the pull over you're like not the registration not the pull over license registration they said license registration you know that thing they do what is that I hand over the mouth thing I don't know what it is yeah they're vibing their mouth is open I hate that I like this that's more full body and it suggests that there's boobs which I like too so did you show your breasts to get out the ticket no so where was I going oh if you cry onto cleavage it's instant I was going to a doctor's appointment already don't want to go there alright going to a doctor's appointment and I'm in the middle lane in the back of traffic cars all around me been at this light for probably 45 seconds and I go I'm going to look up this artist and listen to them I pick up my phone I type the first three letters. Immediately, a police officer on a bike is next to me filming. On a bicycle? No, a motorcycle. Oh. Is filming. Goes, is filming me. And goes like this. So I go, all right, I guess I'll do what I thought was good. Take my top off. Which is, I went like this. I put the blinker on. I pulled over off the busy street to this side street. I think that's what you should do. You got so mad at me. You pull over where I tell you to pull over. On the busy street? And pull over on what? Go parallel? Yeah, just pull parallel on Cahuenga, block both lanes. Like I'm getting away. Right. Who has fled the police in a Volvo? Like that's, we're not doing that. Right. This is a car about safety. Yes. This is a car for boring people. Right? Love the Volvo. For texters. Yes. So he goes, you were using your phone. It's illegal in California. And I'm like, I was using my phone. It's illegal in California. Give him the license to registration. I sit there quietly. Did you cry? He gives me my ticket. Did you cry? No. I just was like, I haven't had a ticket. I haven't been pulled over since 2010. It's time. Whatever. Yeah. So I did feel bad about changing music at the stoplight. You know about Siri, right? Yeah. I could have done that. Yeah. Yeah. So that happened. And I have to pay the ticket. It's fine. No, I don't think it's fine. I think that you should. The officer was very polite to me and I didn't say anything. I didn't talk. I don't believe that that officer should have been polite. I think he should have taken you out of the car by the scruff of your neck and fucked you. It was pretty obnoxious. It was a bad way to start the day. That sucks. I'm sorry. I was pulled over, oh God, twice, once. And by the way, you shouldn't use your phone while you're behind the wheel of a car, even if you're in park. Like, don't do it. Sweetie. So I get it. I'm not saying I shouldn't have been pulled over. I'm very, you know, I have the thing. I have the driving thing now on my phone. Like, if I'm, it's, I'm driving. Oh, okay. You like that? I do, except when I'm in the passenger side of car, I say I'm not driving because I'm not driving. But sometimes that, whatever. I did pull out the phone to change a song. And I felt like I was committing. I felt like I was basically taking my whole family and then chopping all their heads off. Don't do it. I mean, I was, like I said, in the middle lane and the back, like probably six cars in front of me had a red light. It doesn't make it better. No. But you did, it was all things considered, you weren't going 95 on the 101 with your eyes closed. Right. Which I've seen many people do in like those Jeeps that have no doors or windows. Right. Oh, yeah. Isn't that crazy? What's with that? I don't know. What's with the car with no doors? Maybe they love the breeze. Girl, I'd be on the freeway with my leg out. Don't you think? Squirting. Oh, do you ever drive barefoot? No. I won't even drive in Crocs. It has to be a shoe. It's about safety. I love feeling it. What? It's a skin on pedal. Sometimes I put the leg out, but once I saw death proof, no more. I bet the bottom of your foot looks like. Whodunit? Cornmeal. Something textured. No, because I don't know what this says about me. Probably that I'm disgusting. But you know I have a foot rasp. And that baby works over time. A foot rasp? You know what a foot rasp is. It's like a cheese grater for your foot. Oh, the pet egg. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no no I think you wrote about it in our book I read about it I read you said that you empty it out and it's like a parmesan yeah and I go from like a size 9 to a size 8.5 that's great you ever get a pedicure and you leave and you're like 3 inches shorter I don't like a pedicure I love to give them really I'm ticklish and I've almost kicked them in the face and that's not fun feet I just feel like it's one of those things that really a before and after worth a thousand words. People look great. Monet. Monet Exchange? Yeah. Foot feminization. Remember? Remember she got her feet feminized? You don't remember that? They're all lying. What are you talking about? Are you on drugs? You don't remember the most important cultural moment of last year? Monet Exchange getting a foot feminization and live streaming it? Are you lying? You're lying. Roll the tape, Rodney. I mean, it's all there. What are you talking about? Monet Exchange. I need everybody here to shut their house for one second. Call Monet Exchange right now. And say what? Did you feminize your feet, bitch? And did you do it at my birthday dinner? I'm calling her right now. I going to prove you know what These fake dick jokes I not by the way this isn a look of shame I didn even let that existed Hey Siri call Monet Exchange What is foot feminizing We about to find out We're about to find out. I just think it's wrong to say that all women have one kind of foot. Well, let's hear it from the horse's mouth. Why is she a horse now? She's not going to pick up. She hates me. She's probably in this building. It's just unbelievable. Hey Siri, call Bob the drag queen. What? there's just four other calls I'm going to make before I foot foot the foot feminized why are you acting brand new do they make it slimmer because women's shoes are slimmer are you serious is there risks involved I feel like hey Bob quick question we're on the pod so Trixie was unaware that Monet exchange got foot feminization surgery can you corroborate that I guess Monet actually had an FFS for feminization surgery. That's 100% true. Not even a bit, 100% real. Why do I feel like you all got together to pull a prank? Is this real? Trixie is convinced that we are all in cahoots with each other, you, me, that we have discussed this prior, and that we are pulling a prank on her. Does her phone work? Does her phone work? Does she not have Google? I guess, no. She has a fat back TV that she... My therapist told me to stop Googling medical stuff. Yeah, that's all. But thank you so much for... For yourself, Trixie. Oh, okay. Thank you, Bob, for the fact. Thank you, Bob. Love you, bye. I mean, I trust Bob. People in the program don't lie. Well, usually. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. All right, listen closely. I am Jason Statham. Low voice, no hair, maximum sexiness. People ask me all the time how to speak like this. slow, calm, gravelly enough to stop trapping in Piccadilly Circus. So I made a course, not yelling, not whispering, just pure confidence vibrating at a reasonable volume. And when it came time to sell it, I needed a website that could keep up. That's where Squarespace comes in. Squarespace has this thing called design intelligence, two decades of design experience mixed with smart AI. I put in what I wanted and it built something sharp, sleek, and tailored, like a perfectly fitted black suit, but not for my amazing body in one of my action movies, but for the internet. 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Go to roe.co slash bald to see if you're eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on Roe. That's roe.co slash bald to get started on Roe. Go to row.co slash safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. Oh, mama. Baby. Sweetie. No, no, no. Mama. I wish you were an alcoholic for one day. Because this. Am I a Mickey fan? I'm not a Mickey fan. No, not a Mickey fan. I'm a Sri Lanka. Don't do it. I'm a Mickey fan. Mickey Rooney. He called Jojo Siwa a faggot, remember? Who? Mickey Rooney? Mickey Rooney. on Celebrity Big Brother. He called her a faggot. Mickey Rooney? Who am I saying? Mickey Rourke. Oh, no. Nikki Blonsky. Nikki Blonsky. He called her gay. And by the way, he was wrong. Am I a Nikki fan? Nikki Tutorials? Absolutely. I love her red eyeshadow. Love Nikki Tutorials. That bitch can paint. I wish she could do you. She'd blow you out of your mind. Of course she would. Nikki, please. Please. I'm desperate. Step down from your tower. this meeting, I know, beginning of whatever, went to a meeting, it was like Thanksgiving or holiday. Mary, the way the speaker was spinning yarns that were so, mama, you- What do you mean? I will tell you. Or like lying yarns? Baby, it was like, it was like, Ginger could never. Baby, this is Kimi Palmer. Robbie Turner could never. It was like, they were, they would, they would be lucky to enter a introductory course that this woman could teach at a college about how to spin a fucking yarn in front of people as if it were the truth. She was... You know what it is? When a show has a second season unexpectedly and they have to make up story and they never imagined the show would continue. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. This woman was pulling things out of her ass like a fucking... Mad Libs. Oh, pursued by the CIA. After her modeling career... Well, that gives Pookie, though. Well, we were in. But what do you think it is about the Pookie that makes people go straight to conspiracy. So, but so, so she, for all intents and purposes, I don't believe that this time that she was, I believe she was sober. Right. And that's why you go to meetings to fact check. No, but like I, I, I was looking around. I was like, I was like, I was the only one incredulous. I was like, wait, everyone else was like, pretty much, pretty much say that period, period. I mean, after she was pursued by the CIA during her modeling career, maybe this was not no model. when I say no offense to this woman but modeling was not something on yeah it was the Russian mob the Russian mafia then the Greek mafia and then there was she's in the middle of a world war locked in a trunk, locked in a car car goes up a hill I mean it was like literally what were you doing? nodding? I was like I was literally like and people were like and then they were like oh thank you so much for sharing your story, you're so brave I was like, am I losing my motherfucking mind? I could not believe it. It was just so far-fetched, doesn't even begin. It was like, the challenge was, think of the most unbelievable, outrageous series of events that could never have taken place in your life, and then say them over 45 minutes to a crowd of strangers who are looking to get recovered. Interesting. Cunt. Cunt. Because people have war stories. I mean, I've never been to a meeting. No, but people have war stories. They call it a drunkologue. And sure, you know, you hear everything if you go to 30 meetings. You hear it all. You know, like I missed my daughter's graduation, so I was smoking crack on the floor of a crack house, whatever. All this horrible war stories. That's really hard. But this was Mission Impossible, Dead Reckoning Part 2. You know, not to make it serious, but I bet one of the worst consolation prizes of getting sober is the realization I missed my daughter's graduation. Like realizing retroactively. Oh my God. My, my old slide show in your mind, Mary, not, not just like, and it's also like, it's like in the movies you see, it's like, Oh yeah, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Oh yeah. Oh, Oh, I missed my, what's with that? What's with the tweakers doing the, I'll be right there. I'm just leaving the house now. What's with that? I love it. I don't know. Cause I've never been that tweaker. I know people where it's like, Oh, she said she'd be right to, you know, show beer till 10. She's going to call us every hour all day. And then say, sweetie, I had drug dealers back in Boston who there's I'll be there I'll be there I'll be there 10 on which day on which month you gotta specify because they say a 10 I use a 10 on Tuesday 10 tonight could be 10 next month diabolical and they love to say like you just said I'm leaving the house I'm on my way on my way I just had to stop by blah blah blah no no no not even that on my way you haven't even opened both eyes yet from the bed right it's crazy I don't know what that I mean, I know with lying, obviously, I've lied a lot. But I don't know what that particular lies about. So where does that accomplish? Because it doesn't make anything better. The flip side of that is the pookie always goes to the greater conspiracies about God, the government, aliens. In 5G. What is that? 5G. That's just psychosis. That's just straight up psychosis. Yeah. That's magical thinking from psychosis. But it's always based from a place of, well, I've realized something that nobody else wants to accept. girl this dude who used to drive used to get in his car drive me around and it was like you guys would just talk i wouldn't talk he would and we have to we have to be hot uh no but he we would have to i i'd have to get we'd have to get past this uh area of we hope because the 5g was so strong that he was pulled by the gravitational force of it love that see if i was in that situation you'd lean i'm not saying i'd make the most of it but my inner monologue i gotta have my here up and I would be like in my mind like she was crazier than him and she was his queen. Like I would have a whole story. It would be very Lana. I drive fast. I just drive. Leg out the window. It would be very Quentin Tarantino. Leg out the window. And just this too. It would be squirting. Now with the guy, if the cop pulled me over not for texting but for juicing out the window in the 101. Juicing it hard and juicing it. Squirting it. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know what you're saying. You know when the... Oh. You know that gif? Jif? Of the girls squirting it on the... No! I have watched a lot of videos of the men jerking in the car, though. Oh, yeah. I mean, I saw... I love the men jerking in the car. Love the... Is someone going to see me? Of course, someone does. I saw that on La Brea, walking home from the gym. Happened to me on Santa Monica. Crazy. And he was live streaming. I was like, so if one hand's on the dick and one hand's on the phone, I'm getting pulled over for playing Bon Iver in a Volvo? throw me in fucking Shawshank. Fuck. God forbid. I want to listen to Bonnie Raitt. Best of. Bonnie there. Not Bonnie Raitt. I know, but I'm just saying anybody. Love Bonnie Raitt. Oh yeah. This is a Bonnie Vera type of day. What is Bonnie Vera? There's an artist from Wisconsin. Bonnie Vera. Local. Bonnie Vera. French for nice winter. Good winter. Bon Iver. Oh, sure. Sure. I wanted to oh fake dicks right let's talk about it why not use the real dick because the actors don't want to do it well I think because yeah I think the because those dicks you show was the point of it that they're all so big and normal actors what are they going to do I'm going to fluff I'm going to fluff well Jason Segel did that in forgetting Sarah Marshall he is forgetting Sarah Marshall he fluffed before the full frontal scene but I do believe he is well endowed right I think that I love Jason Segel yeah he's nice but that i think the the thing about it is like well you get the pussy and you know the woman's crotch is a little bit it's not so much like oh my god you got a huge bush well of course you can shave it oh you got these giant you know we're not seeing that it's more art it's not splayed yes it's not archaeological also the breasts are like they're there they're they're in the shirt too you know what i mean it's like it's a different sort of like i don't know no i'm imagining no hollywood actor wants to be like oh yeah that's the guy with the peanut pecker? No. Because then they always have it. I would also allege that if you do have a peanut pecker, you might not want to show it. Well, yeah. If you have the huge dong, you're like, where's my full frontal? Let's do it. I mean, I, I, I, I, isn't it a very actor's dream to be in like a hot, like a really deep, wordy, character-y, Oedipus, serious, and you get to show your cock. Oh, like Equus. Yeah. Isn't that the dream? It's like, you're doing serious acting and here was my wiener. I don't think that's the dream at all. I think that's a nightmare. Oh. Would you show your weenie on camera? Depends what for. Science? I've been going to the doctor a lot. People see my under thing on a weekly basis. Under everything. They see everything. They see every hole. Every hole? Every hole. All four. All four. All four. That's how many holes you got. Well, people think men only have two. but you really need to think outside the box a little bit here she was dragging that horse to that restaurant and i thought yeah something um would be careful driving don't text and drive i wasn't even texting i was playing a song don't play a song i i feel so passionate about this and listen i sometimes i feel like i'm the only person on the road paying attention oh yeah yeah ironically me too i feel like that now characterizes my driving but i drive like a grandma. People give me the finger in Los Angeles every day. Because I'm driving the speed limit. But see, that's... But I'm driving 65 in a 65 and people drive by like this. Are you on the highway? On Coenca Pass. Get out of here. The speed limit. That's the street where people drive 100. Mary? Well, see, I don't fuck with the highways like that because people do not know how... I'm not going on a fucking thoroughfare where people are driving 90 texting and sexting. fuck that shit. That's what they're in LA, of course. Doing rails off the fucking dash. Yeah. And then texting their grandma, whatever. I just I don't like it. Afina's an aggressive driver. Oh, we always get there very quick. Oh, yeah. My friend David Mason is Maserati, which was recently totaled. Andrew Yang. Ah! Death Wish. Death Wish. That's the terrifier. The killer. But if we ever need a ride, Andrew, forget we said that. Yeah, yeah, I am. If we ever need a ride, Andrew's going to be like, interesting, I heard the pod. apparently I don't drive well. So now what? No, he knows. Take the bus bitch. No, but, um, David would, um, go downtown. I, you know, usually for an average person, it's like 40 minutes from where I live. He gets there in 12. Yeah. Brandon not dangerous Brandon is engaged He an engaged driver He going he going if there no window he taking it You know what I mean But he not crazy I feel the same way I am a active driver Brandon's active. He's a good driver. I'm not skittish because Mary, the way that my hypervigilance kicks in when there is a left green arrow present, baby, you know I made that arrow. You're already gone. I made that arrow. You rear end someone. But those motherfuckers, if I were the mayor of the city, I would just green arrow. Left Green Arrow would be my passion project. My raison d'etre would be my absolute number one platform. Right. You wouldn't focus on ice or anything? No. No, no, no. It's really important. Right. The arrows. Right. No, no, no. The homelessness. Right. Yeah, yeah. Right. No, but active driving. And sometimes I'm reckless. Sometimes I whip and I maybe shouldn't have, but hey. It's tough. I mean, it's hard. I don't like grandma drivers. You don't like what? I don't like grandma drivers. That's me. That's me. Listening to Bon Iver and a Volvo going 40 miles per hour, getting pulled over and ticketed. It's fine. I want you to give me a ride somewhere. To be honest, the only part of me that was like, I don't deserve this was, have you been on the roads in LA, Mr. DJ? What did he look like? What was he wearing? Very handsome. Beautiful black guy with a mustache. Very handsome. He looked like a police officer from a movie. Like the outfit, the jacket with like a fur collar, with the helmet. did you say did you say under your breath what the dong do no no no no no no no but what I wanted to say was I thank you for pulling me over thank you for your interest um at this time I want you to know that we're at America's second largest city where people drive like they're trying to die yeah so I don't know just thinking big to small right now you're worried about like one deck chair on the Titanic yeah yeah yeah I'm I encourage you to take this motorcycle and go get one of the people naked crazy driving 100 miles per hour on Cahuenga Pass. That's the only thing. I'm not a good... I mean, I'm going to pay the ticket, but whatever. How much was it? Fuck the police, by the way. They told me I have to wait three weeks and scan it and then find out. In Milwaukee, a ticket for something like that probably would have been $35, $50. I'm assuming here it's $11,000. Honestly, I bet it's going to be... I bet it's going to be $800. Each minute you don't pay after the due date, $500. I got pulled over in Marlboro where I grew up driving my mom's car through a stop sign, just rolled right through it. That can happen. That sucked. It's an accident. No, I was just like, and then I was like, I looked and then I just went. Big mistake. Huge. I was home for Christmas and I don't know why I'm the family driver now when I'm like, oh no, I was home for Thanksgiving and I was the family driver because I like to rent the car because I want to pick the car and I always get a white F-150. I put nuts on the end of it and I'm like, you think it's tractor sexy? Oh yeah, love it. Love it. You put lumber in there? I get the big trucks. I get the four wheel drive. I get the duallys. You can't touch me. Can't touch me. I get so red state and a neck cracking speed. You don't even know. And, but so I'm always the family driver. And I, you put them all in the back and the, in the bed. Oh yeah. Nobody's allowed in the cabin with me. Everyone's dragging behind like the cans just married. Um, I know they're Marty. I'm flying it. Everyone's on, everyone's on, um, rollerblades. Yeah. Rollerblades. Rollerblades. So we're, I'm driving and I take this left turn and I guess I didn't realize it was a red light. and my boyfriend's mom just goes, oh. And I went, what? The whimper. It was red. And I went, oh, well, you know, but we're okay. If I had a nickel for every time Miss Andrew Yang would just... Well, I was like, do you want to get to bingo or not? We're going to church bingo. Do you know about Catholics doing bingo? I do, but you know what else? How are Christian people doing... Gambling? Lottery, yes. Mama, Christian people. What do we know about Christians? And by the way, this is the kicker. It's a fundraiser. For what? So gambling is evil, but we'll take your money. So if you come to church, we'll tell you how bad gambling is. This is made up by big church. Let me clue you in. Big bingo. A big feature of mischristianity. Hypocrite. Hypocrite. Hypocrite Marie. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by Green Chef Obsessed. You guys know I'm a green chef person. I sometimes pause my green chef for touring or work or whatever for the holidays of busy. and I miss it. I desperately miss it. Okay? What I love about Green Chef is healthy meals can be very easy. I will film all day at Netflix. I will come home from shooting, and there will be a refrigerated box at my door with all the ingredients still cold like they came fresh out of the Cooler to grocery store, except it was quick, and I didn't have to go there. 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And I got these great pink glasses that I think are technically women's at Warby Parker, but I mean, they fit me perfect. I love them so much. I've had them for years. They're in perfect condition. Do you guys ever see me with pink glasses on? That's them. I just love Warby Parker. All three pairs of my glasses are from Warby Parker. it's easy quality price. I mean, selection, one of my pairs of glasses, the pink ones, I actually was on tour. I think I was at like the mall of America or something. And I just ran in there and found them. I mean, I always got to peek my head and just see what they got. Cause especially since I don't have hair glasses really is a way you can really change your look. The other great thing is prescription glasses of Warby Parker start at 95 bucks. You can get quality stylish frames for an affordable price. I also love that because you could leave in your car. Like my glasses, when I go on tour, I bring them for when I'm reading at night. They just sit in my bag and I have an identical pair at home. I have three glasses and two styles, like one of them, the pink ones. I have two of them. Love them. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com slash bald. That's 15% off when you buy two pairs of glasses at warbyparker.com slash bald. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent to you. I'm heading to Austin this month for South by Southwest. And while half the country is still feuding with winter coats and dodging slush puddles, I'll be packing light layers and celebrating the beginning of allergy season. It's time for that beginning of spring energy when the sun is out, the air feels optimistic, and everyone collectively decides make out in a public park season has begun. Austin just understands this moment, Especially when you booked an incredible place on Airbnb right next to the city's best barbecue joint. I'm talking morning coffee outside while the city wakes up, walks where you don't need gloves to avoid frostbite, and plates of brisket eaten outdoors with the Texas sunshine highlighting every bit of flavor in your dry rub. I booked my stay through Airbnb and honestly, it's doing a lot of the heavy lifting for this trip. I get space to sprawl, a real couch to decompress on after screaming lyrics with strangers, and a table where I can eat like a human instead of balancing food on a pillow in a hotel room. I can close the door when I need silence, throw open the windows when I want light, and enjoy privacy that feels like I actually live there, even if only for a few days. And if I'm traveling with friends, we can all stay together instead of coordinating lobby meetups like we're in a low-budget spy thriller. And while I'm dancing my way through Austin and riding that early spring glow, I'm already plotting the next adventure. This summer, it's Lisbon. Think ocean breezes, late night dinners that turn into midnight desserts, and perhaps a moonlit stroll with a charming local who teaches me exactly one Portuguese phrase and then disappears forever. Trips just feel better when you book through Airbnb, and I already know I'll be booking again and again. With Airbnb, every journey feels like it was made just for you. Hi, today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by Chime. I saw a TikTok that said that people are very disturbed by the little girl voice. And so... Hi! It's me, little girl! Chive is changing the way people bank. Fee-free and smarter banking built for you. 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When I was riding home, when I was driving home, almost in tears from that Cutco MLM group interview, and doing 90 on the 495 in Massachusetts, just can't wait to get home. Pulled over, belittled, berated, and yelled at by the cop. Did you take fucking driver's? I don't think he said fucking. Did you take goddamn driver's ed? That's unnecessary. I didn't. what I can appreciate by the guy who pulled me over it was a police officer truly almost reading from a script transactional no one was mad at me he said have a good day he said drive safe like we don't have to be mean I think that's mean it was extremely mean it was bullying and then I started fucking crying I would have cried I couldn't believe I didn't cry the other day well when I so when I was my friend Annalise would drive me to school sometimes and we got pulled over she drove this huge fucking boat we got pulled over right as we got to school she had heaving breasts right right and she started first she started was anal ease she started to cry and those big juicy droplets fell on the cleavage and she started to cry and of course the titties started bouncing a little bit and then you better believe that ticket was waived w-a-i-v-e-d got scot-free why didn't i do that hot wet jiggling titties it's catnip for those nasty cops well i was like you're worried about my phone i have an open flame grill in the passenger seat. Like what? I'm shaving my legs. I have three bodies in the back. I'm getting LASIK. What are you talking about? You don't see my doctor from Turkey putting hairs in the front of my head? I just had eye surgery. Oh, I have the double LASIK glasses on. Oh yeah. I'm looking straight up. And I'm possessed so the eyes are rolled back. Like my boni-ver. Boni-ver. Boni-ver. Not the white refrigerator. Wait. Not the black bulb. Wait. More fake dicks. So, yeah. So it's just these. So this is from Spartacus. Of course, I saved a few clips and then I edited them just for reference. They are egregious, these fake dicks. I would implore Hollywood. Maybe they don't have a huge budget. I don't know what the deal is. But if you're going to go to the fake dick route, because it's a full cod piece with a fake dick and balls and pubic hair, right? Full thing. Okay. I just would say. Why do you care? Can I ask why you care? Well, I'm passionate about on-screen nudity in mainstream film and television. I love the lighting. I prefer it to pornography. It's important to you that the actor who's cast shows their real dick. No, absolutely not. No, I don't want to actually do something they're uncomfortable with. However, I would love it if the prosthetic and costume department would somehow maybe step their pussy up a little bit. Literally. So to speak. Set their dick up too while they're at it. Step their dick and balls up. Right. I guess I could see what you're saying. if it's going to be not real, you want it to be uncunkable. Yes, because look, I mean, we all saw the substance. Margaret Qualley's breastplate was pretty well done. A lot of people didn't even know she had a breastplate. I didn't know. There you go. There you go. I don't think it matters. You don't think it matters? Like. Well, I think what we're showcasing is a huge dong, right? Right. In that instance. And the other version, the other season of Spartacus. What if the actors don't have huge dongs? Like, are you mad? No. Oh, you just want it to be really convincing. That's it. If it's not convincing, don't show it. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying because it takes you out of it. It takes me out of it. It's like kid actors. Make them really good or don't have them. Don't have them. I mean, there's so much you can do with an off-screen yell. Oh, my favorite thing is, I love this. You know babies on sets, it's like they have to be twins. They can work for eight minutes per day. Like it's crazy. And I love to watch for the actors having the fake baby. Because whenever it's a non-moving baby, they'll do a lot more of this. Oh, yeah. And you can be a rubber hand. Love a shaken baby. Yeah. It's pretty. I love that shit. Yeah. When I'm entertainment star, my platform will be, of course, realistic fictics. I'm going to be an agent with an entire roster of reborn babies. Reborn? The silicone babies. Oh. So it's like, oh, you're casting the baby. Let me see a picture. I've got a match for you. And then I got one of my, I call him. I'm an agent in this scenario. I'm like, we got a gig for you. you know it's very like an old school TV agent I call the reborn baby I'm like we're gonna need you on the universal lot tomorrow dress casual you gotta be able to pee and poop on command no problem yes and then I come in with the baby sort of as the handler do you know what was so crazy have you ever worked with a cat like in a TV setting no so I did this thing for that movie Argyle a few years ago and I shot my shit alone like you know they interclipped it with clips in the movie Obviously I not there with Dula Peep And you know I on another shoot day You were on Argyle the movie No, I did some commercials for them. Oh, okay, okay. Like during Drag Race. With Henry Cavill? No, during the Drag Race hour. Got it. One of the ads was me talking about Argyle. Gotcha. Nobody knew I was there, including me. I'm just happy to be involved. Not even the cat. Yeah. Right. But there was a cat, a real cat. I don't remember his name. His name was like Gandalf or something. It was a crazy name for a cat. Roger, yeah. But all cat names are crazy, right? So they had the real cat for certain scenes. And up until literally action, they had a long stick with a plastic lid of cottage cheese that they would smear liver pate on. So the cat would stay in one place. And then as soon as I would say my line, they would yank that out. Because the cat, of course, when I start monologuing, is like... Like the cat just leaps. So they got that scene a few times and then they had a fake, so believable cat that they put in for the wide shots in the same place. And I was like, when can we get the fake Trixie involved? No, it just was stuffed. Yes. In the same outfit because they had a little hat on it. It was pretty cool. I think that's kind. And I think that that is a wonderful second act, a business entrepreneurship opportunity for me. As a cat? No, no. As a background actor. Yeah. As a stuffed. No. I want real looking pussies, genitalia, and animals. No, I'm going to provide all those. So I'm going to provide the ultra. Real stuffed. You're going to have to go to a lot of carnivals. No, no, no, maybe. And win a lot of. No, these silicone babies are going to be so unclockable. Oh, we're doing babies again. Yeah. Okay. And fake dicks. Everything's silicone. You and I can get some babies. Some silicone babies. Reborn babies. Yeah. And these also, these dicks, unrelated to the babies, these dicks that I'm going to put on these men are going to be so unclockable. These men are just going to, they're going to want to take them home. I've been seeing a lot of TikToks of people taking their reborn babies to meet. Could you clarify what exactly that is? So it's a fake baby. I don't know if the word fake is offensive. It's a baby that they care for. A synthetic baby. That they care for, that they love. Non-human baby. Yes. And it's not real. And I think it's, for some people, it's a form of play. For some people, it's a form of maybe therapy. A mix of both. Maybe they left their baby in a hot car. Yeah. And they feel guilty. You and I dress like fake people for a living. I'm not criticizing anybody. I don't want fake babies. Probably compared to a real baby. But they take them to like Disney and like push them in a cart and stuff. And I think it's fun for them. Maybe the attention's fun for them. It's a victimless crime. Yeah, like, oh my god, how old? Like, don't ask me that. How old? 20. Ageless. I've had this baby for 20 years. It depends. Oh, 90. It's actually a Benjamin Button baby. We've only got a few days left. Speaking of Benjamin Button, what in the world was that? I thought it was really moving. Is that awful? No, I don't think it's The end when she's caring for him as a kid with dementia. It was just. I found it. I want to know the elevator pitch for that movie because that was Mama Juicy Birth. But by the way, we're speaking of babies. Well, do you know what's coming up? The like 20 year anniversary of Brokeback. And they're doing showings. And I want to go, but I'm telling you, I don't think I can handle it. Why? Oh, because the no lube in the tent and all that shitty ass. The crying. Oh, the crying. Shit ass in the tent. The scene at the end when Heath Ledger, who's dead now. What? I'm just kidding. when he is talking to Anne Hathaway about like, oh, well, he always wanted his ashes scattered at Brokeback Mountain. That came up on Reels the other day and I threw my phone like a horror movie, like threw it across the room and backed against the wall and slid down it. I was like, I can't go back there. I cried so hard at the movie theater. I've only seen it once. Wow. And it completely shattered me. Ugh, I love that. It is a beautiful movie. You know, yes, and Ang Lee yanked it, but I just, you know, the eaten beans on the mountaintop, no lube, just spitting and sliding. Have you ever fucked with no lube? Oh, you're actually brand new. I have never fucked with no lube. Oh, come on. I'm sorry not ran through. To be honest, sometimes the chemicals in any lube irritate me. Sometimes the spit is better. And you ran through. I wish. I mean, no. Not ran through. You haven't watched Heat of Rivalry, huh? No. Once the zeitgeist settles down, take a look. Yeah. Maybe I'll watch it later. Like in years, honestly. It's like I'm going to wait for the dust to settle with Wicked. No. You know, it's like I'm just- A hundred percent. I need time and space. If it's good, it'll be good. It'll be good. Yeah. It'll be good. I watched- Money Exchange. Let's hear about it. Hi, girl. You're on the pod. Sorry. I just called to confirm that you did indeed have a foot feminization surgery. I did. I had FFM. It's the best decision I ever made. They melted my bunions. They fixed my hammer toes. And I have the most beautiful feet on the internet. I currently have a 4.7 on WikiFeet. Yeah. So Trixie, why don't you take that down to Fiorucci Boulevard and sell it? I thought everybody was pulling a prank. It sounded like they all made it up. I didn't know about this. That's what I did. Yes, girl. It's a fact. I love it. Yeah. You better work. She's housing you on WikiFeet right now, bitch. So why don't you step up your foot game? That's good, though. Because you do be showing your toes in drags. That's a good thing, right? Like if you and I had a surgery, we don't ever show our real toes, so it wouldn't matter for us. Mom, it's hammer time on these tootsies. Right. Do y'all have mangled, ugly, nasty drag queen feet? I have those. She does. I do not have mangled, nasty. Girl, she has yoga instructor feet. They look like they're made of fucking Legos. Yoga instructor feet, though? Those are eagle talons that can grip a girl. She looks like she moonlights as a grape stomper. It's fucked. Stop it. All right, that's it. Thank you, Monet. Love you. Bye. Who is that? I'm just kidding. It's awful. Who else can we call about feet? Oh my God, check your wiki feet. No. No, upper control room? Wait, let's take a wager. Who do you think has a higher rating? Obviously you do. But if it's about size, do they like big feet? Because that might help me. It's a mystery to me. I have no idea. Because we're 13s. There's a lot. What? What's the rating? Wiki feet. There's like young photos of people. What? What's the rating? I feel, can I say? I feel so pillaged. Yeah. What? I'm out of here. You know what? I need the officer who pulled me over to go investigate that. Yeah. Excuse me. I know I was texting and driving, but what about WikiFeet? I was on WikiFeet. Yeah. That's crazy. You know what, though? People love everything. Listen, I'm deductive fierce and I have some questions. They do. And they always say don't give it away for free. Do you realize the way that I would have killed to have a foot fetish? Are you joking? Most people have feet. You know what I mean? I think sometimes, though, the foot fetish is attached to, I want a picture that I'm not supposed to see. Is it? I don't know that. Nobody's ever like, can I see it? They're like, can I secretly get it? Don't you think? I have no idea. Because it's all about accessing a celebrity foot if we're not supposed to see. You know what I mean? People must be busting at the beach all day. But I think it's fine. Like, love a foot. Love a foot. I put them in my mouth. And foot go through hell walking. I go through hell walking. You know what I mean? I watched walk a mile on these wiki feet. Do I, am I not even on there? Shut the fuck up. Are you joking? You're kidding me. I beat her on wiki feet. I'm putting that in my Twitter bio. Her feet look like they're made of paper mache. Gorgeous feet. Cause I, Mary, I do have gorgeous feet. That's good. Well, all the toes, they're, they're not like, you know, they're, they're taper. Right. They're, I have, I have a beautiful arch. That's good. Dancer. That's good. Dancer. I'm going to remember that next time we're in choreography rehearsal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. All I said out was a beautiful arch, like a dancer. I had the arch of a dancer and my movement. No, no, no, no. Right. Still, it's kind of right. But the toenails look like little guitar picks, like lacquered coin chips. Right. So I watched this other documentary and the problem is I keep getting really high and watching. watching documentaries that I'm sure I think are going to be fun and getting high and watching the Susan powder documentary. I was like, my anxiety can't handle that. So the other one I watched, and this is like not a funny thing. It's called. No. Yes. Kind of. I watched the documentary about the boy Scouts of America. Cause I was a boy scout for, from like five to 50. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about the Ohio state one. So I was a boy scout for 10 years. Loved it. I loved boy Scouts. My personal experience. I quit before Eagle. My personal experience is I loved it. I loved spending time with people. Loved going out in the woods. Loved the activities. It's fierce. The adults, Mike, everybody was nice to me. I loved it. This documentary, there were some other things going on. I'm not saying that Boy Scouts is evil. Men are evil. But people are evil. Let's say Boy Scouts could have done possibly a better job background checking, etc. and notifying police when things happen. 82,000 people have filed claims against the Boy Scouts of America. And I feel bad because I know from the bottom of my heart when I was in Boy Scouts, I had leaders and scouting and all that who were good to me. Yes, of course. So the people who wanted to do good and they wanted to do it through the Boy Scouts, it's kind of overshadowed by these horrible events. Yeah, like for example, great priests who are actually servants of God, great gymnastics coaches are actually wonderful leaders. That's what was heartbreaking is like these people saying like, I love scouting. Then this happened. My life ever changed when this happened. But up to that, there was like scouting for these people like they loved it. And then something like this occurs, permanently changes them for the rest of their lives. There were people giving interviews who their wife and kids didn't even know about this. This is the first time they'd ever talked about it. And it was so, obviously these people are very brave and it's just complicated because I love, I personally had a great experience in watching it and be like, why do you join when you're a kid? Camaraderie, you want to learn to do things. Yeah. You don't join for anything bad. The mission statement is actually wonderful. And they're so young, they don't know what happened. They don't even have a word for what happened to them until much later in life. It was a really hard thing to watch, but it was gripping. Gripping. I couldn't, I hardly made it through the Ohio State. I would like this world to run out of material to make sex crime documentaries up. out mama i would like us to run all that athlete when the the larry nasser well there's about two or three documentaries that came out i think maybe during the pandemic or around that time about the gymnastics controversies i have never had so much like the like the empathy i've never been i've never felt more empathic like i would the rage i felt it was as if it happened to my sister. Right. It was so, yeah, that's good. I mean, yeah, it's good. But I mean, I've, this is like, I feel bad for people go through stuff. If my friends go through stuff, I suffer too. But like, this is, I don't know these girls. Yeah. But you're putting yourself in their shoes. I'm a fan. I'm a fans. I'm fans of them. They're so incredible. And just like the way that that all stuff, that all the stuff shook down and, and the, the, the, the, like the, you know, the gaslighting, all the manipulation and everything is like, it's so diabolical. It makes me, I don't have, like, I can't even compute. My brain can't compute the anger. I know. The anger is so visceral that like when that, when one of the fathers tried to rush him in the stand to, I was like, yeah. Right. I, you would have had to hold me back. Yeah. It's like, it's so fucked up. And it's just like evil. I know. Don't fucking, don't fucking do that shit. god damn I mean I was watching it thinking like everybody coming forward somebody even wanting to make this movie like a lot of people had to really put themselves out there for this you know no amount of money about what they would win in a lawsuit or what they get paid to talk it's not about money you really got the sense that these people were freeing themselves they were letting something off their shoulders it was very sad but very beautiful you could see them sort of grappling and just like the level of honesty in this documentary was gratuitous. And wow, it was, it was, I'm not going to say good. It's not a good movie. It's not a feel good film. But it was, but it really was well done. Yeah. And I think of like when I was in the Boy Scouts, I mean, I listen for my home life situation going on Boy Scout trips, but I looked forward to it. Yeah. And so for me, it was like such a positive experience. And there were people in it who talked about all the positive things about it. There's 82,000 people coming forward. They said when they opened up this website, they thought maybe they get a thousand, maybe 5,000, 82,000 people. That is so fucked up. You know, there's more. And then what happened is the Boy Scouts of America, when all these claims happened, went bankrupt so that there's no liability. And they're explaining like bankruptcy is not created for people to escape sex crimes. Yeah. closing a business should not be a way that you can get a removal from the events that like and so in some ways bankruptcy can be used for people to not have to be liable for crimes which I thought was like I never even thought about that yeah that's why anyway kind of a fun thing to bring up on the pod on our comedy pod 251 baby let's talk about sex crimes but you know what all of you driving out there you better be careful because you better not pick up your phone you better not change songs you better say Siri play Bon Iver you better do something else and if she doesn't put it on honey you listen to whatever the fuck else she puts on anything yeah or you can on your steering wheel you can go volume down right or you could go over to Apple Music and listen to Trixie Mattel mix that just came out yes you could do the Little House one you could do the J-Lo one oh my god Jennifer Lopez it's just coming out this week wait Jennifer Lopez the J-Lo the 25 year album comes out this week and I thought what remix did you do play play play it all night long cause I wanna be dancing all night long so I was so excited they let me pick the song and I picked that and I'm waiting for tonight I thought it was gonna be like an album of all remixes and I would be like one of 50 whatever and I I'm like the remix on it I couldn't believe it are you fucking kidding me I'm gagged it's like the album with an extra song and then a Trixie remix I couldn't believe it you know this is funny this is a faded thing because I actually I don't know if you know this I actually you also no no no I got I got this this is so funny I got those wheels in motion because I remember years ago when I put on my Instagram I'm performing with Jennifer Lopez tonight her team of course contacted me to take it down that's how she got to know you and then asked you to do the remix so you're welcome I'm performing with Jennifer Lopez tonight you just tweeted that yeah I tweeted it and then and then and then about 25 minutes later I get a call from our manager says could you please take that down JLo's team got in touch with us see now if you did that now to a pop star if you did that to like Zara Larson, you get a call and be like, well, you better be here, bitch. Yeah, I know. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Because now they're going to expect you. But so, you know, you're welcome because, I mean, you would never have been on her radar if she hadn't Googled you through me. Right. I appreciate that. You're welcome. Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.