The Dentist: Episode 1

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is The Interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life. And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on bbc.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Limelight. You're about to listen to The Dentist. Episodes are released weekly wherever you get your podcasts, but if you're in the UK, you can listen to the whole series right now on BBC Sounds. The Dentist by DC Jackson. Part 1. No blue line, no blue line, no blue line. No blue line, no blue line. Or is it one blue line? Or two blue lines? What am I looking for? Oh, good. There should really be a universal standard. Restriction. Right, one blue line. One blue line, one blue line. One blue line, one blue line. Kerry! What? I need in. Wait. I need to get in. Wait. I'm not saying I want to get in. I'm saying I need to get in. Wait, Bob, please. I was up playing Elder Scrolls and I was feeling a bit, eh. So I thought I had to replace my electrolytes, but I've drank two sashes of that orange stuff and now I realise my isotonic drink actually already had electrolytes. So what I'm saying is, have I taken too many electrolytes? Am I overdosing on electrolytes right now? Because I'm not sure I actually even used any electrolytes. What actually are electrolytes? Bob. I feel it. So, I need to pee them out. Bob, please. It's my mum's funeral. I know. That's why I need to be on good form. Oh, no. Don't notice the test. Don't notice the test. Don't notice the test. Don't notice it. Oh, God. One blue line. One blue line. One blue line. One blue line. No. Don't notice the test. Bob, are you setting up direct debits in there? No. I got a notification. Weird. What's wife life, Bob? What? I don't know. Nothing. Are you paying for pornography? No. From the joint account? No, it's not pornography. Bathroom's all yours. Wife life? That's not what it sounds like. Don't worry about it. What's wife life? It's not what you think. Trust me. The joint account isn't yours. Well. Well, what? It's both ours. It's to cover our bills, not random sex direct debits. It's not sex direct debit. And you don't contribute anything to it. It's only joint in the sense that you jointly take from it. You're a joint liability. Where is this coming from? I thought everything was great. Is everything not great? I thought we were great. Not great. Chill out, we're great. Two blue lines. Oh, God. Yeah? Do you know where my black tie is? Oh. And my trousers. And my jacket and my white shirt. And my smart shoes. Firefighters have now tackled the blaze which started at the Rennie Brothers Cash and Carry in Traitston in the early hours but roads in the area are still blocked off so better find alternative routes into the city. Next up it's Frankie Miller with Darling. You, eh, you have something on your nose. No, I don't. Where? You got him. What? Are you OK to work? Yes, thank you. It's 9am, Dr Denny. Thank you, Kasia. I know today is your mother's funeral, but... You don't need to worry about that. She's showing concern for my colleague. Your boss? As I say, nothing that needs to concern you, Kasia, if you could just prepare the tools, thank you. We'll be done with Mr Mowat in plenty of time. I'm very sorry to hear that, Your Honor. That's very kind of you, Mr Mowat, but she was very old. It's for the best. How old? 63. Now, I'm just going to get started. How are you bearing up, Dad? Look, you know, just terrible. Yeah. I just don't know where she kept anything. Right. Where's the sellotape? I think it's in the drawer underneath the TV. I see, I didn't look there. I just... I just can't believe she's gone. I know. I turn round to talk to her, to tell her I know who's done it in Vera, or, you know, what have you, and there's just an empty chair. It'll get easier. I hope so, darling. It will. When you move in, I can tell you who's done it in Vera. Sorry, what? Because it's never the one it seems like it's going to be. Often it's a family member. Now, what did you say about me moving in? And Bob too, eh? Can't forget Bob. We're not moving in. Oh, it's just for a while. No. Now, look, I'm really struggling on my own. And it isn't just the sellotape. That was just one example. I'm not moving in. It's not forever. But you'll move in for a few months, eh? Help me acclimatise. I'll come over and see you most days. This is very difficult to hear. I can't move in with you. I'm 42. You just left. Exactly, I'm 42 and I just left. I can't move back in. I'm a widower. I will do everything I can to make sure you are safe and well and comfortable. Like I always do. But I can't move back in. We're burying my wife. She wasn't your wife, though, was she? It's good as. Is this about wanting Bob to marry you? Because I tell you, marriage is a trap, Kerry. I don't want Bob to marry me. Believe me, I want the opposite of that. Your sister doesn't even have a boyfriend. Yet another way her life is genuinely aspirational. And where is she? And there is she. Chatting to Aunt Jim and Uncle Gemma. Sharing memories of Mum. Running through the order of service with the vicar. No. No. She's late. She's late. Yeah. Ah, hello, Minister. We're about to begin. My sister isn't here yet. It's Leanne, her twin sister. I'm afraid we have a full book today. We can only really wait a few minutes for the inconvenience. Well, let's wait a few minutes. We have waited a few minutes I thought you meant a few more minutes No I sorry I meant the few minutes we have already waited Right They identical twins We gather here not only to grieve for the loss of... Ashley, but to give thanks for the gift of... Ashley. As we reflect on Ashley's life today, we remember Ashley's kindness, her faith, and the countless ways Ashley enriched her lives. Carry on, Minister, don't stop on my account. I'm sorry. Would any of the deceased's relatives like to say anything about them? Hello, I'm Kerry, Ashley's daughter, one of Ashley's daughters. well she would give you the shirt off her back literally one time when we were 14, I think me and Leanne my sister, she's a dentist she is a dentist now but she wasn't when this story takes place because we were 14, it was the summer and the Cullen brothers from 19, we stayed at 17 so they were next door because that's how it works anyway the Cullen brothers had a super soaker they'd filled with pee. Sorry, Minister. I don't know why they did. They were manky. Sorry, Minister, but they were. And they soaked me with it. Leanne was OK. She sort of somehow ended up masked by me and didn't get any on her, but my top was soaked in the stuff. Anyway, Mum, Ashley, she just took her own T-shirt off and gave me that so I wouldn't have to walk home covered in the pee. It wasn't great. walking home with your mum in her big taupe BHS bra and nothing else, and I think me and Leanne probably put about ten paces between us, but that's who she was. She'd do anything for anyone. She worked herself to the bone, providing for her family. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm going to miss you so much, Ma. Thank you. Thank you, Kelly. Kelly! Kelly. Now, as we dispatch... Sorry. Ashley, into everlasting life with our Lord, we remember that in God's presence and guidance, even in the shadow of grief, we can trust that... Ashley, Ashley, Ashley... Ashley is now at peace, resting in the arms of her saviour. In the words of Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul. Amen. Amen. Amen. That was the wrong song. I'm sorry? That was the wrong song. What was? The song. The song you've rolled her off to. No, I don't think so. No, but I know because it was me who told you what song she wanted. She wanted I Could Be Happy by Altered Images. That's what we played. You played Happy Birthday. Is that a different song? Yes. It's by Altered Images and it has happy in the title. Sometimes we have to accept when something is good enough. For everything God has created is good, and if it is received with gratitude, it is sanctified. It is not received with gratitude. I cannot change that. It's not her birthday, it's her funeral. It's actually the opposite of her birthday. Oh, I thought that was a lovely send-off, Minister. Thank you, Stuart. Dad. What? It was a terrible send-off. You played the wrong song. Ah, Kerry, your mother liked them all. I thought as much. And happy birthday is more well known. Well, it's a crowd pleaser. Exactly. It was a funeral. The crowd doesn't need pleased. Can I introduce you to my other daughter, Minister? This is Leanne, the dentist. Leanne, the dentist. A pleasure to meet you. You two are so alike. They're identical twins, Minister. Leanne. Kerry. Are you not having any food? No, I'm not hungry. That's good. The catering costs 500 quid, their steak pie. I'm not hungry, Kerry. She'd want you to eat. She's dead. I spoke to the minister. Oh, right. About the song. Right, yes. Happy birthday. He said it was good enough. It's not her birthday, though. It's the opposite of our birthday anyway It's what I said Good It's too late to change anything now Yes I thought I might have seen more of you Why? With mum dead There's not much I can do now Is there? Just checking on dad, that kind of thing You know I find him a bit He is a bit That's not a unique experience you have with him Oh, you're just better at that stuff than me. You always were. You're an empath. He would benefit from seeing you. I spoke to him after the service. I would benefit from you seeing him. I've just got a lot on at work right now. Don't you just have the usual stuff on? Teeth? Oh, you wouldn't understand. Right. Well, you wouldn't. Have you ever run a small business with a turnover in the millions? I don't make millions doing fast eat deliveries, no. Oh, sorry. It's just annoying sometimes. People assume that because I'm a dentist, all I do all day is dentistry. That's actually quite a small part of what I do. Right. There are some particularly tricky stakeholders just now. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a vice. Do you ever feel like that? Yes, I know exactly what you mean. How is Bob? He's the same. A pathetic idiot loser rat man. He's not a pathetic idiot loser rat man. Well, at least he isn't any worse. Oh, he is. He's worse. Just leave. Is Manny flat? He's not even on the lease. Oh, you know what I mean. It isn't that straightforward. This is your problem, Kerry. You have all these explanations for why you're beaten down and put upon, but the only person who's really responsible is you. You have not changed. Neither have you. And honestly, it grieves me to say it. I don't think you ever will. Can I have a minute of quiet, please? Oh, God. What is this now? He's not going to start beatboxing again, is he? Kerry! Oh God he getting down on my knee Oh no Bob No it my mum funeral I want everyone here All our treasured loved ones What The women from mum work No Bob don do this To witness me asking you to get married. What? She's pregnant, everyone. I saw the test, Kerry. Yes, I will marry you. Let's do it. Let's have an absolute remour, baby. Bob, why are you kidding? I didn't say yes. I didn't say yes. Yay! I love you! Well, I should get back to work. I choose to be positive. I am doing my absolute best. I am capable. I can do hard things. I trust my decisions. I treat myself with gentle understanding. Oh, Jesus Christ! Ah, hello? Hi, Paul! Hi, Paul. Sorry, I'm not avoiding you. I realise it would seem like I'm avoiding you, but I'm not avoiding you. I'm just on my way back from my mother's... Well, I'm just on my way back from my mother's funeral, if you must know. Oh, no, you don't have to. No, really, don't come to the surgery. I haven't forgotten I owe you the money, Paul. You don't need to worry. I am not going anywhere. I promise. Well, if you kill me, you won't get your money at all, will you? I choose to be positive. I am doing my absolute best. I am capable. I can do hard things. I trust my decisions. I treat myself with gentle understanding. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is The Interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life. And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, yeah. I'll have a wee sit, then I'll go up. You've already had a lot to drink. I don't need to drink just because I'm not going straight to the bed. Give me a drink, Bob. Just a brandy and ginger ale. Yes, boss. Care? What? Do you want a drink? Go on, have a drink, Carey. I have to go to work. We've just got engaged. I know. I need to earn some money to buy myself a ring. Kerry? Hi. I didn't order any food. Oh, the bag and the jacket. Right, no, I'm not working. I just said I was to get away from everything. So, keeping up with pretense sort of thing. Right. So, can I help you? Are you not going to ask me in? Do you want to come in? Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, come in. Oh, this is so nice. What? The vestibule. The whole place. Ah, right. I always meant to have you all round, but... It's amazing how the years go by. Oh, it's... It's just so tasteful. Oh, do you think? I wouldn't have thought it was your cup of tea. Well, because I don't have any taste. No, because you have different tastes. It's all subject. And here's the sitting room. Jesus Christ. Please don't touch that. And this is the kitchen. Your kitchen is a joke. What do you mean? It's a joke. This whole place is just madness. Do you mean it's nice? Uh-huh. Thanks. No one really sees it. I spent so long picking everything. Do you want a drink? Have you got any gin? Is that a joke? Because you're pregnant? No. Right. Can I have a gin and tonic? Of course not. Coming right up. Oh, that bloody ice machine. It spits ice out like projectile vomit. What's this counter made of granite? I think it's quartz. It's not granite. I think granite is grey. I thought you might get white granite. No, I bet that maybe you do. I don't know much about masonry. Thank you. Here we both are. Do you mind me coming over? No. Should I not have? No. Only I didn't have anyone else to go to. Maybe next time text ahead, just in case. No, I'll go. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't. It's fine. This time, it's fine. Everything is a disaster, Leanne. No, no, I'm sure it's not. No, you were right. And you said I always talk about changing things and never make changes. No, I was very rude. I'm 42. I'm pregnant by Bob. I somehow got non-consensually engaged. I work about 50 hours a week doing food deliveries and then come home to operate a smaller food delivery service for a single customer who never tips. Yes. I am repeating mum's life. And I am sorry to say that. I don't mean it in a bad way because that woman was a saint, but I don't want to be a saint, Leanne. I don't want this life. It's a mistake. I just... I just wasn't paying attention and it happened. It's easily fixed. Have an abortion. Give him his ring back. You didn't give me a ring. Even easier. Have an abortion, kick him out, dye your hair. We have the same colour hair. He looks different on you. Actually, can I recommend a shampoo that will change your life? No, a shampoo isn't going to be enough. Can I ask you a really big favour? Oh, well, do you think? Are we there? Are we in a position to do each other really big favours? We are literally identical twins. But I don't know, we're not close twins. Are we? You've never been to my flat. You've never invited me! Sorry, I didn't realise I was saying anything that wasn't obvious. Fine, forget it. No, no, ask, ask, ask. No, I don't want to, it's fine. No, please, I insist you ask. Are you sure? We're twins. I want to help you. Could I come and stay with you? Just for a couple of weeks, maybe. I just need out of the flat, away from Bob. It easy to say kick him out But where would he go He like Paddington Bear absolutely bloody useless And I just need to get a bit of space and work out what I going to do Ah, OK. Look, first thing, the super objective could not be more supportive. Right. So that's on the record. OK. So can I stay? Well, look, here's what I can do for you. I can give you £1,000 in cash right now. £2,000? Oh. You can go to a hotel. OK. OK, cos it was just... It was just that I didn't want to be alone. Stay with Dad! That was a joke, obviously. Unless... No, no, no, it was a joke. I'm sorry, Kerry. I wish I could. You can. But it's a boundary. I can't cross a boundary. I'm not Julius Caesar. My home is my sanctuary. I can't come home to Canada. We are sisters. I know. but I just don't have the bandwidth We just buried our mum It sounds stupid to say but it feels safe here It doesn't though It feels safe to you because it isn't yours I have to maintain it It's a big drain It's an obligation If you listen closely to the walls they're saying you can't stop now keep earning, keep going can't stop, keep earning, keep going Look, things at work are It's a very stressful time Oh, please, Leanne. We're sisters. Sorry to have to say this so bluntly, Kerry. Really, I am. But, so? What is wrong with you? We have 100% of the same DNA. Humans share 99% of their DNA with bananas. Am I to open my home to all the huddled masses fleeing the man from Del Monte's gulags? I am not a banana. You only have all this because you were able to walk away and you were only able to because I didn't. That's not true. I was able to get away because I saw with a clear eye what our circumstances were and I did what I had to to escape. I modulated my accent. I ingratiated myself with our teachers. I didn't just flick a switch. I had to make repeated good choices. You climbed over me to get where you are. You are a snake. And your Glasgow Uni accent sounds ridiculous. I do not have a Glasgow Uni accent. I do not have a Glasgow Uni accent. Stop that. Stop that. You're being very, very immature. You're being very, very immature. Repeat this. I'm a loser. I've always been a loser. And I'll always be a loser. I like to blame everyone but myself for my terrible life. But in reality, I've got the life I deserve. Because I am a pathological coward. Whoa. Kerry! You shoved me! You slapped me! Oh, just get... Oh, Kerry! Oh! Oh! Oh, are you all right, Leanne? Leanne! Wake up! You slipped on ice as you were shoving me. I think you found your head on the counter, Leanne. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, God. Oh, God. Are you dead? You're dead, aren't you? This is classic Leanne behaviour. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. You're dead. You're really dead. Oh, God. You're actually dead. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hiya. What time will you be back, Kat? Eh, I'm not sure. Could you grab my Xbox and two controllers on your way back? We're staying at your desk tonight, right? Seems like the right thing you do. I know. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is right now. Well, I'll be here. So can you bring my Xbox, two controllers, and maybe give me a couple of vapes? Any berry-based flavour or grape. Nothing iced, if possible. I know what vapes you like. Oh, and could you grab some toilet paper? They don't have toilet paper. Well, look, this was meant to be a surprise, but I used it all. Okay. I've been making a papi-mashi effigy of your mum to set her chair for your dad. I'm going now. What service do you require? My sister's dead. My sister Carrie. That bloody ice, that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That bloody ice machine. I just have projectile vomit. Projectile vomit. It's quartz, not granite. Quartz, not granite. I have a shampoo that will change your life. I have a shampoo that will change your life. I have a shampoo that will change your life. Well, let's see, will we? I'm Leanne Denny I'm Dr Leanne Denny Dr Leanne Denny Dr Denny Hello? It's the police Oh thank God officers come in I'm Leanne Denny Something terrible has happened In part one of The Dentist by DC Jackson, Leanne and Kerry were played by Gabriel Quigley, Bob by Grant Rourke, Kasia, Leah Byrne, Stuart, Jonathan Watson, and The Minister by Gavin Mitchell. Original music and sound design was by Fraser Jackson. It was a BBC Audio Scotland production directed by Kirsty Williams. Listen to the whole series of The Dentist right now on BBC Sounds. Just search for Limelight. As part of Limelight from BBC Radio 4, this is The Betrayed. The story of a family torn apart by a political extremism sweeping across Europe. You see this guy in the red T-shirt? I allowed myself to believe that this moment would never come. Do you remember the looters outside the sports shop last year? The one guy who'd let a scar slip? I think that's him. My brother Frank, standing with a group of angry men, shouting abuse at the police. It's the same guy. I now knew that Frank was an anti-immigrant activist. Listen to the whole series right now. First on BBC Sounds. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is The Interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life. And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.