What The Hell Is a DOG COMMUNICATOR?! | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos

what's up everybody welcome to Chrissy Chaos surprise surprise we're doing video yep we gotta do video why because as I've been saying for the last two weeks I bit off more than I could chew with this house Jasmine wanted to go to West Elm to get the outdoor furniture she wanted to get married two months after I gotta pay taxes and I need the money and the money comes with video. So here you go. We're on video. This is Josephine. Okay. She's here because Jasmine had to go to Staten Island to get a crown put in. It's going to cost me another three grand so she can get fake teeth. Okay. That's what I'm paying for now these days. She's taking out her fake boobs and putting in fake teeth. So Josephine, you can't mess this up. Okay. Cause I got to do video. So just be quiet. Josephine, Josephine, Josephine. And Vito, Vito Baby Teeth is over here and he's allergic to fucking dogs. What are you doing? I need to get you back in frame. All right, get me back in frame. There's Vito. But ultimately, folks, we're back doing video. Okay? We're doing video because we need to do video. because you're right. We heard the fans were upset. Audio only stupid. I get it. So I said, we're going to do video today. I said, I'm going to wash my hair. I'm going to take my BPC-157 peptide. I'm going to take my Salanth peptide and I'm going to drink my ketone IQ. And I'm going to come in fully bricked up, ready to go. And are you done? Thank you. So, and then I didn't think that we would have Josephine up here. Because Vito can't go near the dog because he's allergic to the dog. But then Jasmine wanted to go to Staten Island to go two hours away. She wanted to go to Staten Island to get fake teeth put in. So now I'm stuck with the dog. So the bottom line is we need video, OK? The bottom line is if your wife-to-be wants to go to West Elm to get outdoor furniture that the kids are going to mess up, that the rain is going to ruin, then you know what that price take is. You need video, OK? You need video. I need to push, mow my lawn, and we need video. Okay, Josephine, stop. Are you, what are you? Are you a husky? Are you a German shepherd? Well, I don't know what you're doing. Are you a Malamute? Josephine, do you think this is good for the audio-video quality? Do you want to go back in the crate? Because that's what will happen to you. I don't want to have to put you back in the crate. you know what I've been doing I've been putting in the crate and then I feel bad so I smear peanut butter on the bars of her crate and Jasmine tells me that's so dumb you seem like you're in a good place with her you post her a lot now do you like those videos I'm doing Josephine come yeah you like to make dogs come yeah I was doing that I was doing that yesterday with sex with Jasmine I was like Jasmine come and then she was just looking at me the same way um let me ask you this Vito yeah because I was I was a bit frantic this morning I had to go to the bank I was running around veto you're in my house you're in my house unsupervised alone in the house with the guys with the real men who are working on the house so you're here with the real men and you did you feel safe in this house alone or did you feel the presence of a spirit so i forgot they were here because i came up to the third floor and they're all the way down in the basement right and there's like there's a bunch of them yes i had to keep going through the basement to go get things and they were down there what are they even doing they're just cutting wood they're cutting wood because jasmine again this is why we need video congratulations we have video okay and there will be video audio every week just like the old christy chaos we're back okay because we need video why and why are the guys cutting wood in the basement that's a good question but we're still doing it remote sometimes we still are doing it remote sometimes just because veto uh has to do his other job because veto has a child and he has to pay so um the reason why is because jasmine the laundry room that we had the washer broke um and she wanted to move the laundry into another room and it couldn't just be okay you know it's enough to pay for the piping and the this and that to put the new washer dryer in a machine that wasn't hooked up for a washer dryer that's already a cost but then she wanted a custom made laundry cabinet so that's what they're building the wood on. So we had to do it. Now, I know this is all making Jasmine sound like Jesus. What the hell? To be fair, I also wanted it too. But the reason why I want it is because I want to make her happy because of because if she's not happy, then things get bad quick. But and I also to you want your wife to be your W2B. Are you scratching through the floor? You want your wife to be happy and she's happiest when she has a laundry room that she likes because the basement in this house is a cellar from 1899. So it's creeped out down there and she gets crickets. And a lot of times she'll give us our laundry back and there's dried up crickets in the pockets of our shirts because crickets jump into the washing machine. So up here, we figured this is a better washer dryer for her. I figure if she's happy, it'll flow through as they say, happy wife, happy life. so I figure if she's happy with a nice laundry room then that will flow into us and the kids so Josephine are you okay? I mean what is are you alright? what do you want me to do? I can't let you go because Vito's allergic to you what are you mad? you're mad because you're stuck under the chair? Jesus do you feel close yet? so every week I feel like we should check in on how you bonded like on a level from 0 to 10 I feel like if last week I was bonded with Josephine of 5 now we're up to about a 5.8 i'm i'm more bonded with her and i would say we're about one week away from hiring the stripper who's the dog trainer and who's is she like delilah's dog or is she the family dog delilah begged us to get her my 10 year old daughter um and of course you know delilah's in school delilah my kids do actually do well with her they really do i did see delilah last week like doing everything she possibly could the best with her because she was you know we've told her honey you wanted this dog this is your responsibility obviously when you're in school and you know late at night we'll walk her of course but other than that she's your responsibility and I will say she's mostly good with that she really actually is mostly good with that my stepson Tristan doesn't I doesn't really care I don't think I mean I think he pets her and likes her Violet loves her and Violet and Josephine are BFFs but Violet like fully sticks her head inside Josephine's mouth and I'm like one day she's gonna bite you or like Violet will wake up josephine from a dead sleep and just start like squeezing her face and josephine just gives her like little puppy nibbles but i'm like one day she's gonna bite you and i kind of feel like jose i kind of feel like violet doesn't really understand that or accept that and it's like it's going to take violet's face to get bit by the dog it's gonna take violet to come into school one day looking like she was just mauled by a chimpanzee for her to understand you can't squeeze Josephine's face. Yeah, Violet got some growls at her the other day. And this is aside the point, I don't think Violet likes me very much. I think Violet blames me for the podcast. Right. And looks at me as somebody who takes you away from her. No, what Violet is upset about is because as a joke, because I forgot that she's four, I told her right before you were coming over again when we started this podcast again, which was audio, now it's video and audio, I told her Wreck-It Ralph is coming over because we used to call you Wreck-It Ralph. And she was very excited to meet Wreck-It Ralph and then showed up and it was you. It was you limping in here with a stress fracture in your foot. I don't have a stress fracture. This is the third time you've said that. I've never had a stress fracture. You have a stress fracture. And she was upset. And I remember when you left, she was like, that's not Wreck-It Ralph. I was like, I know it's Vito, but doesn't he look like Wreck-It Ralph? And she said no. And then she walked over and pinched Josephine's face. So Josephine got abused extra by Violet because of you. Yeah, Josephine was under the table and she was giving some growls to Violet. And I was like, I don't think this is going pretty well right now. Yeah, Josephine, listen, here's what I love about Josephine because she's 75% Siberian Husky, 25% German Shepherd, according to the vet. The thing is, is she's very friendly, right? She's very friendly with you. She's very friendly with new people. But the other night, somebody came and rang the bell at like 1030 at night. and for the first time ever in our life, I think she felt like it wasn't an Amazon. It was just like a guy at the door and she felt very, I think she felt, Josephine felt like we were a little like, what is that? Because we were just sitting watching TV and she got up and started growling and barking at the door. She's chewing on the wires right now. Okay, well, that's probably not good because if we're going to do video, honey, we need the wires. So she started growling at the door and barking and the guy walked away. So it was a very protective growl. So she has that in her where she senses, hey, these guys aren't being nice to mom, dad, and the kids, I'll attack you, which I really, really, really like. Because you know what's crazy is my yard. Sometimes we'll just let her run free in the yard and she'll hide behind a tree or you'll just look over and it looks like a wolf is patrolling our yard. Like if you didn't know that this dog was a husky and you just came into my yard, you would say those people have a gigantic wolf in their yard and that'd be scary are you okay what are you grabbing for your ass crap what are you phone oh you just like i think you were digging in your ass no you the fucking problem with going like video is like i had to grab all this equipment from your basement you fucking don't have anything anymore oh so i'm like really running on bare bones right now i'm like a three inch headphone yeah i have to use like two laptops combined because like you don't have certain pieces we need i know i left that all at the other houses so what do we have to do do we have to get more equipment for next week there's a few things we could use that i'll like send over your way and ask what you think but like i'm not trying to go crazy but like a few simple things would make this a lot easier maybe even a fucking table in here a table in here would be nice should we just go back to audio wasn't it so much easier it was so much better dude i had my little pocket recorder yeah we could just be fat and just have our assholes out it was i mean look i'm not putting myself on camera this is the chrissy chaos you're not on camera at all oh i like that there's only two cameras oh yeah oh yeah true i just noticed that hey eventually maybe i'll put myself on camera but right now the people want you they don't care about me mr old producer do you think it's like i always feel kind of weird and tell me this is a genuine question like what you think of this like she's a puppy yeah she's five months old six months old actually she might be seven months old now but she's a puppy but do you do you think like i is it is it weird that I feel weird rubbing her belly near her vagina because she's a minor. And once she's a little bit older, like in dog years, like I can rub her belly and her vagina and it's no problem. Is it because it makes you feel good? No, because it makes her feel good. And that makes me feel weird that I'm rubbing a minor dog's vagina. Just ask her for consent. Josephine, am I allowed to rub your vagina? Okay. Stop pointing. Stop pointing. Should I, uh, should I open up the, the waiting room so the people in the room can listen? right now. Yes. So what we're going to do is the reverse advice hotline was a massive hit last week. So again, if you want to join the show, call 929, what is it? 929-266. Hold on. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Here, here's the reverse advice hotline number. I'm going to give it to you right now. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Just keep listening. Keep listening. Keep listening. I'm going to find it. Okay. 929, Josephine you just pulled up Josephine you can't bite the wires for the mic call 929-266-7934 929-266-7934 this is the reverse advice hotline where you call into the show and you actually get zoomed in you actually are live on video now because this is a video podcast um now and you can be on the show and give me advice for my life most other podcasts we give you advice you're giving me advice the host and it's on the show Josephine stop biting the wire or it'll put you back in the crate with peanut butter okay hello welcome into the waiting room into the chat room we have video we have audit last time we had Heather the yoga instructor um a lot of people thought she was hot and I'm sure that some of the fans dm'd her and tried to sexually engage with her and um and uh So she said she was welcoming it. I'm not sure if the boat guy had an affair with his wife on his wife. What was Jazz's reaction to the clip and to Reiki? So here's the thing with Jazz. Here's what's interesting about Jazz and here's why it's fun. Is she's really not on social media like that anymore. And she doesn't look at my clips or YouTube and watch things with a fine tooth comb. Fine tooth comb. Fine tooth comb. She doesn't watch it anymore. So she didn't even really see it. But if she did see it, Josephine, stop. If she did see it, I bet you she would be upset because Heather was hot. And had her detas out. Yeah, I think that was strategic. Oh, yeah, 100%. I get it. Low-cut cleavage. Just like I remember one time one of the girls who was working for my podcast, she wanted a raise and she came in with a low-cut shirt on. And she got that raise. Vito's now pulling away his wires. Vito is allergic to you, okay? Vito's allergic. You also said one of the girls who worked for your podcast. I'm pretty sure you've only ever had one girl work for your podcast. Yeah, true. You can figure it out. Look at my dog's asshole. Alright, so do you think we should bring in the first person? Let's bring in the first. Now, who's the first person? Give me some background on this guy or girl or baby. Well, I think so I'm going to bring up the thing. So I'm going to start recording first of all. Yeah, start recording. Josephine. All right, so the first person we're going to go to is Crystal. Crystal. Now, Crystal is an expert in real estate management. Okay. A home management, and she has some advice for you. So now I'm going to hand you the computer. You're going to put in the headphones. Well, I have to plug in the headphones? Yeah, so we don't get feedback. Okay. All right, hold on. Coming up. But wait, will there be a better way as time moves on to, like, get, like, on the camera? Yeah, if we put, like, a... No, the camera's gonna be our camera. Like, should we get like a TV or something in here? Yeah, we can get a TV. No, Josephine, stop. All right. Wait one second. Why did I stand up? What? Vito just stood up. He doesn't know why. Oh, because I want to make sure that this still looks good. So put the computer, like, get the computer. There's a guy named Seabass in here. Put the computer lower because we don't want to block your face. Lower here? Josephine. Why don't you put it on your lap? Put it on my lap? Okay. Okay. Okay. And now I'm going to bring in Crystal. All right. Crystal, Crystal's about to come in and I can see. This is a paid message from GoFundMe. My name's Ashley Kane. I'm the daddy of a little girl in heaven and a father to two boys on earth. I've got an incredible relationship with GoFundMe, both personally and via my daughter's foundation, the Azalea Foundation. GoFundMe has allowed me, the foundation, and thousands of people out there to give hope to others in need. You'd actually be surprised how many people out there are willing to show love and support you in your time of need. My advice for anyone that needs to start a GoFundMe would be do it. You don't need to feel shame. You don't need to feel guilt. You don't need to feel embarrassment. If you need GoFundMe, use GoFundMe. Start your GoFundMe today at GoFundMe.com. That's GoFundMe.com. G-O-F-U-N-D-M-E.com. This message reflects one person's experience. ...that she's a white woman. She spells it with a K. Most Latina women spell it with a C. So I was thinking that she was going to be Crystal. I have multiple cousins named Crystal with a C. Yeah, Crystal like... But this is Crystal with a K, so she's a white woman. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the Chrissy Chaos Reverse Advice Hotline Show. Josephine, can you stop? Because Crystal's trying to give us some advice. What advice do you have for me? My goodness. Well, I know, but the thing is with these Huskies, they're hard. Okay. My advice is keep your house, plant your roots for your kids. They will thank you later. Put money into it. You don't have to do it all at once. and any room that you're not using, just rent out to the unhoused of New York City. Okay. I feel like I do do that, renting out rooms to the unhoused of New York City, a.k.a. members of Jasmine's family. I mean, we got T.T. Jerry is living in the guest room. Well, you got to charge them and you got to get real ones from the city So your kids learn how grateful they should be and you can get money from them. You can get some sort of tax incentive from Mondami. You'll have lots of prayer rugs, as you mentioned. So I think it's a win-win. So basically, it's a win-win and pay for my renovations. That's a good idea. And also, it will test my kids because where I'm living right now, my kids don't really, you know, they're around kind of the same kind of people. at least I will test my kids vaccines. I'll test to see, does your hepatitis vaccine work? Does your polio vaccine work? Because now we have an unhoused person in here that's eating their own feces. So let's see, does it work or does it not? Exactly. And you can have them set up all the cots in the basement and just have it like basically a basement full of dirty people. You can put a little corner of like a brick wall so they can pee on it, make them feel like they're at home. Now, Crystal, let me ask you this. I live in a very old home from 1899. The windows in my home are original windows, okay? And my bills for my heating, which is oil-based heat, were through the roof, TTR for this winter. And I want to get new windows, but the problem is, because they're original to the house, so they're single pane, not efficient. But does replacing the windows on a very old kind of historic home, does that devalue my house? No, it will never devalue your house. No one cares about old windows. They just want the charm of the old house, but they want windows. Unless it's in a historic home. So in other words, no, it's not. So you're saying getting new windows and getting the house insulated to make it feel more efficient while keeping the old vibes is the right move? Yeah. You don't have to get, like, the updated frames. Like, you know, everyone has, like, black window frames now. You can get something that matches. Right. Like, the only companies are, like, Pella or Marvin do historic windows, but they're very expensive. Like I can't be getting crystal windows, not your name, Crystal Window Factory from off the side of the highway in Queens. Right. Well, you could get some of Jasmine's family members to install them, too, at half the price. Well, that's true. That's true. As long as, you know, I was giving them drug tests. Actually, they might actually do put the windows in quicker on meth. but yeah because the one company I looked into said the thing that they would offer me is 0% APR for four years so I wouldn't have to put any money down and I could just pay for four years but that would be making my monthly expenses go up but I'd have more money did Crystal die? what just happened to Crystal? is she dead? imagine she got into a car Dude, I literally thought, are you okay? Because now it's very loud and the screen is black. We see a black screen and we've heard carnage in the background. Like, have you seen the movie Mid-90s? It could have been. What'd you say, Vito? Have you seen the movie Mid-90s when the car crashed? Like, it felt like that. I thought she was dead. I literally just thought you died, Crystal, and then I wouldn't have been able to get your advice about the 0% APR. We dialed 911. You really need to get some unhoused in there. Teach your kids a little lesson of being grateful and yourself. And, I mean, listen to Jazz, too. Like, if she wants to stay, figure it out. I also had an idea that if you don't want to tour much, you should do a 13 Original Colony tour. and do it in the summer when your kids can come and you're staying local you're not going too far you have the right demographic of people that like you and you can use it as a history lesson too for the kiddos you know what you know what wild is last month last month i brought that up to my agent i said what about the chrissy colonies tour and this way everything can drive to and we'll do like the northeast ones first so he said he's working on it because i am gonna i'm actually doing shows in New York on April 30th. I'm back doing stand-up. Basically, what's happened to me is I realized that, you know, you wanted to do TV shows and sitcoms, and it's like, no, stand-up and podcasting has been the only thing that I've ever found relative success in, so I'm just going to go lean into those. So if you're in New York, April 30th, I'm doing two shows at New York Comedy Club. I hope you have fun. Ooh, I'm going to come to Philadelphia. I'm going to come to maybe Helium. I saw you in Orlando I'll come Okay now thank you What'd you think And I lived in Jacksonville at the time I loved it Because I'm pregnant AF I did a 5 o'clock show for you Yeah it was great Seven months Nice how old's the baby now Yeah it's a girl and her name is Nora what'd you name him yeah Nora Rose but yeah ooh I like that Nora Jones my husband Zach who's the father what's his name we moved back up here from Florida so yeah he's a big burly boy ooh A semen. Oh, I like that. We like big burly boys. Send him a, tell him to DM me shirtless pics. Oh, like a continental soldier. Yes. All right, Crystal. Thank you for the advice. Stay on the line because at the end, we're all going to get, everyone who gave me advice, we're going to get you guys together. And even though you're happily married, we're going to play dating. We're going to maybe play a dating game and we're just going to see what happens. All right. Thank you, Crystal. Thank you for your advice. All right. That was a good one. This is CBass. This is CBass. Now tell me about CBass. What's his advice? So CBass' advice is CBass is an expert in weight loss, I believe. Oh, okay. And CBass, I'm going to let CBass take it from there, but I believe he can help guide you in intermittent fasting. and maybe you could ask him about peptides and all the stuff you're really into right here. Here we go. Let's welcome to the show Seabass, who looks like a, he looks like he could be Native American. He looks like he could be part Cherokee or something like that. Thanks, Chrissy. Yo, happy to be here, man. I'm actually Polish, but respect that. Oh, there you go. Oh, there you go. My daughter's godfather is a bald ski. Word. Respect. Where do you live? Where do you live? In Greenpoint, funny enough. Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Where else? Polish neighborhood in the world. In Brooklyn. All right, so what's your advice for me, Seabass? Yeah, so, I mean, I used to be really fat. I was like 300 pounds. I'm like at 200, so I lost like 100 pounds. Keep it lean. I mean, the only way to, you know, lose weight is permanent lifestyle change. But intermittent fasting and fasting in general is a big part of that. I know you were into that for a moment there. Like, I don't know if you're still about it. I feel like it's the way that you can have your cake and eat it too, literally. I know you struggle with the sweets and stuff. And I feel like if you just, you know, shorten that window of your day, you could really just fucking ball out. Sorry, can we curse? So, yes. Are you? Oh, my mic's muted again. No, you're good. We're good? Okay. It says mic is muted. I muted you, but I put my mic on. Oh, so you can hear me, C-Bash? Yeah, I can hear you. Fuck yeah. Okay, so my question is, okay, I get the intermittent fasting. I've done it, did it. what about peptides? Are you on any juice? No, I'm not on any juice. I'm actually a long time vegan, so I've been vegan for almost 10 years now. Vegan and gluten free and rock it with the fasting. Work out a lot. Drink a lot of water. Keep it basic. All that peptide. It's too futuristic for you, boy. I'm trying to bring it back to the basics. What about, how's your cholesterol and blood pressure? What are your numbers? I got the fucking lowest blood pressure in the game. Zero cholesterol. You know how we do. no cholesterol on the vegan diet you know you do chrissy so then what's an average day of eating for you josephie shut up i'm trying to get healthy so i can live life and take you out and stuff sea bass is trying to help me yeah so um i fast throughout the day um i mean my problem is like most people is like i got to eat like late night like i just like can't go to bed hungry i got a snack and so my way to set myself up for success and i just wait to eat as long as possible so i just wait to eat as far into the day as possible. I try to bake my fast around six or seven. And then so it's important how you do that. So try to start off like a little apple or tangerine and then start cooking dinner. And then so, you know, get the body, start rolling, get the engine running. And then I cook dinner, you know, I cook probably every single meal I eat. So, yeah, lots of, you know, tofu, tempeh, vegetables. I go to the farmer's market at least twice a week. I'm, you know, blessed to be in New York City, like Union Square Farmer's Market is probably one of the best in the world. So, you know, it's a good time to be alive. So what's an average day? Like, what do you like? What do you eat? Like, what'd you eat for dinner last night? Last night, I had like some gigante beans I made. And I made that with tomato sauce. And I made that with some vegan cheese. And I baked it in the oven. And I had some leftover like baked tofu with some spices. And we had some yu choy, some Asian veggie I got from the farmer's market. Can you pop the shirt off? Can we see what's going on? No, that's Patreon only. Yeah. Nice. Now, what, do you got wife, kids? What's going on? I got a girlfriend. We live together. Yeah. Nice. It's hard not to eat meat. That's the problem. What if I can just eat fish? I mean, the problem is what we're doing to the ocean is so horrific. if you would really understand what we're doing. So I would say it's honestly more ethical to eat meat than to touch the ocean. I mean, you know, everyone's saving straws, but no one wants to stop eating fish. So it's a little silly world we live in, but, you know, I don't want to get into too much of that. This is going to be a downer. I don't want to be a downer today, Chris. So chicken and red meat is better. I mean, like, is it? You know, Chris, how would you feel about seeing a dog on the plate? You'd be horrified, right? Like, that's kind of how I feel anytime I see any animal on the plate. It's just like, this is so sickening. It's like a roadkill. It's like, I don't need this to eat. You know, it's like a death decaying thing. You know, if I, uh, if I get some spinach from the farmer's market, I plant it in some dirt in my apartment, like it will grow, you know, but if you take a leg of lamb, you stick it in some dirt, it's not growing. It's death. It's decay. You know, it's, it smells inside of you, makes your farts stink. It makes your poop stink. It makes your feet stink. It makes you aggressive because your body thinks you're like, you know, this carnivore, which we aren't meant to be. You know, we're all sitting on the computer all day. So, you know, you lash out. It creates this unjust morality within kids where you teach a kid that one animal is okay to eat, one animal is not okay to eat. That translates into human. This human is okay to kill. This one isn't okay to kill. You know, it goes on and on. Do you, if I checked right now, do you think after that rant you have a little cum coming out of your butt? No, I'm trying to, I'm Kegeling it in. I'm holding it in. Nice. Yeah, stop eating meat because only Asian people eat the dogs. And we, you know, we want to stop the Asian hate. Well, to an Indian, that's like a cow. You know, the cow is holy and we're eating the cow. So that's like an Asian eating a dog is us eating a cow to an Indian. Same thing. So it's all relative. All right. Yeah, so we're going all veggies. You know what has a lot of protein? Chickpeas, right? Oh, hell yeah. Just eat a bunch of chickpeas. Hell yeah, yeah. I want to eat chickpeas for nothing but 30 days, and I make a documentary called a chickpea on me. Really? That's been my plan. Dude. I used to work for a company that was everything made out of chickpeas, so I had this running joke in the office, but no one thought it was as funny as I did. Well, we thought it was funny here at the Chrissy K's podcast. Oh, yeah. All right, Seabass. Well, thank you. So we're going to go vegan. Oh, yeah. We're going to stop eating animals. And shore in the window. Shorten the windows, you can go nuts, Chris. If you make the window three or four hours a day, you can go nuts on the muffins and the butter and whatever else you want. But do you feel a little weaker in the gym because you're not eating as much? No, I actually feel like I have the most energy in the gym when I work out when I am fasted. I don't know if you do the faster workouts, but that's when I thrive. That's when I'm mentally sharp. That's when I'm physically sharp. It's all inverse, the world we're living in. It's crazy. do you drink a lot of water oh yeah tons of water lots of electrolytes what about coffee black coffee so i used to like be a lot big coffee guy but i was like going too much so i switched over to matcha in the past like year um and that's it's good it's working for me it keeps me zen so all right all right well thank you c bass stick around i appreciate the advice we're gonna get everybody uh who gave me advice on the call at the same time uh after this next caller we have two more there's one more person that hasn't joined yet i'm trying to help them figure out the problem so one person doesn't know how to join yet but right now uh we do have our next person now this this was the uh this was the the voicemail oh that's right this i heard this voicemail this is yeah yeah oh josephine hey who do we got on the line we got vick we got vick What's up, bro? What's up, man? Good, man. You look like you're calling me from Rikers Island. Fuck you, mi reina. Vamos a hacerlo. Let's do it. I'm hyped. You got me hyped today. Good driving while doing this. I appreciate it. Oh, par. Park in Borough Park. Oh, nice. I'm in Borough Park with the chinos. Oh, yes. Borough Park has also got a lot of Hasidic Jews, right? Not anymore. It's got to be a war between the two, because the Chinese are running things out here. So what do we got? What's the advice, baby? I'm trying to get you to tap more into your machisto, you know? Right. I need you to reflect more on the Spanish side. You're embracing a culture around you that could spiral you. I'm spiraling right now, and all I did was come in one when I was 23 years old, and she was the wrong Puerto Rican. Right, right. So you've got it made, dude. You've got it made. I've spent thousands of dollars to go see you. And meanwhile, you got this fine Puerto Rican that listens, that doesn't bust your balls. Does she bust your balls, Chris? I really don't know. Of course. Yes. Okay. Is she aggressive and nasty? Would she take away your kids? No, she wouldn't do that. I mean, she would physically throw swings at me, but she wouldn't take away the kids. That's all right. The swings are all right. That's when you grab them by the throat and you go, mira, ven acá. And that's what I'm going to teach you, the ven acás. the baby mommy i'm gonna teach you some spanish riz so when you're in the bed she's like oh wow like this fucking guy i can't tell if he's a dominican light skin or if he's just a italian german gay kid inside but right on both yeah okay yeah so get the machismo back have you ever spoken spanish to her have you like tried taking classes in like spanish or dancing salsa bachata anything um no i've tried rosetta stone once it didn't work dancing no uh we have we haven't danced um much okay you you hire the private uh tutor for you and the kids that's important because i know they're they're mixed they're hybrids uh but we got to get them in tune i've got hybrids that don't know anything um my son unfortunately that puerto rican she's the one that got fired from the academy, actually. I want to know if your boy that's the cop actually knows the story of a cadet riding a train, saying nigga over and over, and a black dude going to her precinct and basically reporting her and getting her fired. And then there goes her career. And then she takes me to court, and the court basically has me as a weekend dad. Wow. So she got fired for saying the N-word. Oh, yeah. Big time. Her whole career. Like, you know, when a kid's a cadet, Like all they're training to is become a cop and basically jump the gun ahead of everyone else So obviously I was with her for the right reasons and then when we broke up It was just like swim doesn't cook clean doesn't do any of the shit that like we need to do as a group And that's why I want you to be in your machista to look at another Latina and go. I don't really need you I don't really need you. You were great together. We push together our family thrives together But if you want to dismantle this, it's on you. Like, my son loves me. He's awesome. We go to Islander games. We go to Mets games, Yankee games. He already wants to go to DR with dad to get some toots. I've already been in trouble. I was telling Vito, like, we've been through a lot of the same thing. Caught chlamydia off of two pumps. That wasn't fun. Got a Puerto Rican pregnant. Now I'm with a Dominican. You figured, but that's the thing. You figured out what you want to do in life. Like, you know that you got this shit. you know that like it could have been funny guy or a therapist you chose to be the funny guy and you're fun fun fun fun i'm a history hyena fucking like queer for you guys i go nuts i go to all the live shows and that's where you got you got men by the balls so you also have women you know like trump said right by the pussy you know right by the pussy and you know what what an interesting world we live in right and kind of sad i mean you know your ex-wife here gets fired from the nypd you're right or your ex-girlfriend gets fired by the nypd for saying the n-word when all my friends got promoted for it it's a white privilege papa you see that that's what it is all right so that's good advice get the machismo dance with the puerto rican um don't say the n-word on the train and yeah okay i get it i get it get your hair braided you gotta bring her in and rub her down that's it all right thank you stick around we appreciate it brother that was good advice joseph it's going nuts over here now we got our final uh reverse advice person we have ann angelo webb this is the dog if weight management is one of your new year goals quicksilver scientific's glp1 amplifier can help this science-backed formula supports metabolic balance curbs cravings and promotes healthy blood sugar levels making it easier to stay consistent and in control it helps give your body the boost it needs to keep you on track feel confident and energized this year with quicksilver scientific's glp1 amplifier get 10 off and free shipping at try qs.com slash podcast again that's try qs.com slash podcast for 10 off and free shipping these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Communicator, I was telling you about. Yes, this is who we need. Hi, Anne, what am I supposed to do with this? Help me. Hello? Josephine, can you hear it, Angie? Yes. So before, well, it gave me a little time to connect in with her. So for people, real quick, if people aren't familiar with animal communication, it's basically understanding what animals are thinking and feeling. People do it all the time. They don't even know they're doing it. So pet parents, you know, they do it and they don't even know they're doing it. When they recognize their pet needs something, maybe needs to go outside or needs a certain kind of food or something's wrong with them and they pick it up and there's nothing really there that would have indicated it to them. It's the same thing as knowing who's on the other end of the phone before you pick up the phone. Right. That kind of thing. I mean, can you just take a look at, can you just take a look at my dog? Is she retarded? So no, she's just, she's the husky. You don't think she has special needs? Look at her. She's gorgeous. Thank you. She's very much a husky. So this is what, if, if you have specific questions that you want to ask me, but I can also tell you what I picked up on while I was waiting. I just sort of tuned in with her and picked up what I picked up on. Okay, yeah. I mean, can you tell me what you picked up on? Sure. So animals have a lot to say, and they come into our lives to help us, and for a lot of different reasons, and we come into their lives for a lot of different reasons. But this is kind of the arc that I got from her. And it'll come in, like, pieces, so you're getting, like, a lot of different pieces, and you put them together. So the first thing she showed me was backyard, and she's luring you out in the backyard. And you're chasing her, and she's trying to get you to play with her. And I'm not sure if this is get a fence or if you have a fence. I'm seeing the fence. But I'm getting a really strong thing about be very careful, by the way, about cars and her and make sure that she's secure. I just don't want something to happen to her. Unless you want to simplify your life and get rid of her. Yeah, we don't want to do that. But the arc here for you is she is trying to get you to be more like her. So basically she's in your life. She wants me to eat my own shit? Sorry? She wants me to eat my own shit? She... Nope. She wants you to get out of your own head at times. So she shows me you, you're kind of looking like, I don't know, you have that like, what, a thousand yard stare or whatever. Like you're looking off, like, kind of like, concerned about things. Like you're just sort of staring. I'm switched off. I'm checked out. Yeah. And she's like, get out of your head and let's go. Right. And she takes you outside and you're playing. And the interesting thing is she shows me your wife, or I'm not sure, she's soon to be a wife, and she shows me her, she's like standing at the kitchen sink, that's probably irrelevant, but she turns and looks, and she's like smiling, and it's like she's got it. Like she's kind of got the Josephine way, and she's tuned in in that sense to that piece of Josephine that you need to be sort of co-opting. You need to be tuning into more. And she's kind of saying like, she's like going with the flow more. And the message is like, go with the flow. And just have a little bit more fun. Oh, I think we lost you. I shut the laptop off. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, damn it. Did you? I can still hear you. It's shut because Josephine knocked it over. What do I do? Just pass it back. Trying to go play. Oh, hold on. Oh. Wait, Josephine, you knocked over the laptop and the dog communicator was communicating with us, telling her that she sees you getting hit by a car. If you don't listen. She says that she is very smart and very trainable. so if you take the time to work with her you know she's going through stages in life and she's you know it'll get better um she's biting my arm right now she mentions a couple things and I tell my clients anything that I give you I don't it may make no sense wait people pay for this shit they do pay for this yes oh wow um yeah they do okay okay go ahead go go um so she where was i so information will just come in and you basically give it to the person and it may make no sense to me in fact the most important things often don't make sense to me so she shows me um her wearing a flower uh it looks like a pink flower on her um collar could that be one of the my daughter's socks that she swallowed i don't think so it looks more to me like she thinks she's going to be wearing a flower okay um or somebody put a flower on her and there's something about that that she likes there's something i don't know turns in okay she likes the pink flower okay um do you have any specific questions that you want me to ask her i'll see if there's anything else i remember she said um um um Yeah, what questions? I mean, she's... How do we get her, when we're walking with her in public, to just not go crazy and jump on everybody? Well, I mean, I definitely defer for certain things. You know we definitely want to use training But I do get that she very trainable So in other words you can tell a dog to do certain things through animal communication and it works but there are certain things that when they're just being a dog i mean their dog brain is going to forget that conversation and just be a dog so you do have to use training i definitely defer to trainers i defer to vets for you know i don't i don't claim to do i don't want to go sing she's trying to communicate with you what is she saying to you pretty much just i'm ready to go like that's kind of the vibe i'm getting is like like she's gonna die there's a what like she wants to kill herself i'm ready to go No, like play. There's definitely a lot of obviously, you know, energy in her body, but I feel like it's the same thing for you. And that's like kind of the message that keeps repeating. It's like, you can understand her and the two of you can work together to, there's going to be work to be done. But there's like this nervous energy and she's got to get it out and that i mean it's definitely her breed and it's it's worth it though i mean the work that you put into her is going to be worth it 100 100 uh it's just going to take some focus and and work and training and repetitiveness um and don't give up like if you you know you have to repeat these things when you're doing training you do have to i mean i've done some training so you do have to it's a matter of repetition um especially when they're young she's pretty young right she's She's six months old. Yeah, yeah. I put up the pictures of her skydiving and doing activities. What'd you say? I put up all the photos of her skydiving and doing activities. If that helps. What do you think of those photos over my toilet? She's pretty amazing. She's made major accomplishments in the first six months of her life. Look at that. Yeah. Yeah, she's already went skydiving and skiing. She's been to the moon. She's done a lot more than I have in my life, I'll tell you that much. Now, do you think, through her communications, does she like me? What does she think about me? Okay, she does. There's a strong connection. Again, she's here for a reason. But she's a little frustrated. She feels like there's a little bit of a battle of the wills. Like I'm getting this feeling of like, she really needs you to spend more time doing. First, you need to run her. Like when you, before you do any training, you've got to get that energy out of her before you really are going to get anywhere. So not just leaving her, letting her run around my yard and me, you know, just going, coming up to the second floor and masturbating in the laundry room. Like actually participate with her, like run with her, be with her. I definitely yeah you definitely got to be with her I see you throwing a ball you you need to get the energy out before you do your training sessions um can I give her peptides you know we hopefully at some point we're going to be able to do that with our animals because we're we're looking that way too hey Josephine which I'm trying to do the dog communicator and you're yes crying you had a question you wanted to ask about the belly rubbing too oh yes oh yes I did have one quick question about the belly rub she's six months old so when i rub her belly and then get very close to her vagina i feel like i'm assaulting a minor will will i be able to rub her belly and vagina when she's of age which in dog years because she go by sevens i think would be three you know it's funny you say that because i actually have the same reaction when i'm a massage practitioner for animals. And before I had a boy dog, I only had a girl to girl dogs before boy dog. And I would go to work on boy dogs. And I would sort of forget that they had this thing there. And I would be like, ah, like, and I used to work in child sexual abuse. I'm a social worker by in my background. So I'm like, pretty like, I'm a little bit like, I don't know, overboard with that stuff. So I understand where you're coming from. But I think you'll get past it. I I think you'll get, you'll learn her anatomy. You'll get used to it, you know, and you'll figure out how to avoid. Will you be able. Well, it's pretty far back on a girl. I mean, it's kind of, I don't know. Yeah, but I'll find a way. Do you think, just looking at her, communicating with her, if she could speak, is she more pro-Palestine or pro-Israel? She says she's neutral. She doesn't want to get into that stuff. She said she's very cautious. She's trying to look out for you. Got it. Um, she's, she thinks, you know, you should just talk about playing, playing with the ball in the backyard. Okay. So she doesn't want to get too political. No, she doesn't want to get, she doesn't want to become like, you know, in the middle of a whole thing. Like one of them. Like one of them. Yeah. Right. Yeah. She's going to end up on Twitter and whatever that is. Yeah. She deleted her Twitter actually. And if someone's talking about her and other people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did notice that when we take her out to the coffee shop, she barks at Middle Eastern people. Okay, well, that could be a friendly bark or it could be a, you know, we don't know. We don't know yet. Josephine, come. Josephine, come. No, don't go out there because I don't, there he goes. Thank you. Josephine, where are you going? see she's community the dog communicator is getting her um to come see josephine by the way she mentioned something now now that we're she said did show me children your kids like on the floor coloring or doing something i don't know okay and she was there and the message came across i got a very different vibe when she was with the kids it was like i heard the word like buddha like like she has like like she's very serene she so could that just be though because my kids have been eating a lot of chinese food recently so they're more buddha like they're in like well i thought i meant they were in like a coma from the chinese no i meant because buddha Vito is Chinese. He's a big fat Chinese guy. Yeah. She could be picking up on that. It could be that. Okay. You know, there's a lot of possibilities, but I do think that it's something about the kids just being more... Wait. Animals and kids are more in the same way. Vito's allergic to the talk. Wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, my God. You're going to kill Vito. Wait, wait, wait. Come on. This is crazy. Oh my God, look, the mic fell down. Okay. All right, wait. All right, wait, because she's going crazy, and this is wild. Let's just let everybody else in the chat, and then Angela will... Angela will communicate with your pets with a low fee of $1,000 a month. Wait, hold on. We got everybody in. okay so we got angela the dog communicator c bass the polack name is an angelo annie angela the dog communicator c bass the polack uh yeah it's actually c bass the vegan dj c bass the vegan dj um uh crystal crystal the real estate agent and then the dirtbag Someone's making a ruckus. Was anybody feeling each other's vibe? Anybody feeling anybody's vibe? Anybody want to communicate, have sex? I guess that's a no. We're always feeling the vibe, man. Hope everyone has an amazing life. Hope you guys get everything you ever dreamed of. Thank you, CBass. I appreciate it, CBass. Thank you. CBass is vegan, CBass is a DJ, and CBass is in the closet gay man. Yes, yes, yes, yes to all those things. And shout out CBassVeganDJ on Instagram. Shout him out. All right, thanks, CBass. We'll see you later. Yeah, I gotta go. Crystal, the real estate agent, any parting words? Hi. Hi? Okay. She's high. All right. Thank you, Crystal. Now, Vin. Right, Vin? Vic. Vic. Vic and Annie, the dog communicator. I do feel a connection here. Annie and Vic seem like, because, you know, Vic has Puerto Rican children running around. Annie can communicate with them. So what do we think? Vic, what do you think of Annie? No, didn't they say they have pets? I know how that sounds. And I didn't mean to say it like that. Although my children are Puerto Rican too. I guess that did sound like that. Does Vic know we're talking to him? I don't think Vic knows. I think Vic is robbing a bodega at the moment. Okay, so Vic is about to commit a crime. Vic's walking around the corner. Can you hear me? Oh, Vic can't hear us. I can hear you, Vic. I can't hear you. I read your lips. Are you just reading my lips? Whoa. All right, Vic. We're asking if you want to go on a date with Annie, the dog communicator. Well, I'm married, so that might be a problem. Yeah, but what about your husband? He doesn't care. Is he into cocking? I don't think so. Vito, call me back, dude. Don't fucking kick me off. Can't hear you. All right, Vito, call. Disconnect, Vic. You want to see the Chinese people behind me? Victor, there's Chinese people behind him. Annie takes offense to that because she's like, are they eating the animals? OK. Well, thank you, Annie. We appreciate all this. I think your communication with Josephine has worked because she stopped barking. She's laying down. She's calmer. I don't know. It might've been Vic. She seemed to calm down after the bodega scene. So that's true too. Yeah. She's calm around Puerto Ricans. That's what she's used to. That's probably what it is. And I'm not, I'm not Puerto Rican. So. All right, Annie. Well, where can people get your services to communicate with their pets? You can find anything through my main website, intuitive. There is intuitive touch animal care.com. The name is Ann Angelo Webb and I have a YouTube channel. the animal intuitive channel and chris if you'd like to dive deeper if anyone in your family would like to uh learn how to communicate with animals i can always send you let me know if you want me to send you a link to one of my classes thank you appreciate it vick sorry sorry you got cut off there annie uh the dog communicator was just um signing off we did find out she has a husband um but i we feel like that won't stop you vick it's in my blood but i've tamed it that's what i'm here to teach you papa i love it well vick where can the uh where can the lucky ladies and fellas dm you no no social media uh my daughter will be an olympian in the future so look out for that smart man all right guys thank you so much for calling into the chrissy chaos reverse advice hotline love yes thank you all right so here i don't need the laptop anymore right no no so should i put this just shut it no just hand it to me okay because i need uh i need the people who are in the room to stay why do they need to stay no they didn't it's okay okay when is it when does this episode come out tomorrow yeah oh yeah well what could we talk i mean that was the reverse advice hotline some good somebody josephine um did you feel like you got good advice today because this is the whole point is we're trying to get advice for you we want you to be able to i did feel like i got good advice i i felt like um the the uh the the advice on the real estate was very good invest in your home because you're really investing in your children when you invest in your home you know um so that is good vick gave me good advice to just dance more and be more machismo with the latina woman which i i know that that to be true because i noticed like today for example i have because my windows are very old and they have these storm doors on them. And I noticed that I took off the storm doors at like 7 a.m. this morning because there was like spiderwears behind them. And I noticed that just me doing a very simple task of taking off storm doors was, I noticed that she told me like how hot I was, even though like, because I didn't get another guy to do a simple task, you know? Yeah. I'm going to take her and put her in the crate for the last 20 minutes. just because I feel like she keeps yelping and people are going to complain about the audio. Okay, that's an hour in. So. Really? Yeah, we're 56 minutes in right now. Why don't we do, should we just do like 10, 15 more minutes? Without her? Without her, let me do the topics. We're going to pause right here and then Vito will seamlessly edit this back in. Hold on. Hello? Hey, you're live on the Chrissy Chaos podcast. Ugh. How is the crown? Oh, bad news. What happened? I didn't get it yet. It was for the impression for the crown. What the... So, like, how many more times are you going to have to go to Staten Island to do this? Like, one more time. Did we get confirmation that we paid for the crown yet, or we haven't paid for it yet? No, I haven't paid for it yet. So it's another how much? how much? It's $2,200, babe. Guys, this is why we have video on the podcast. Okay? We are going to explore Patreon, and the Patreon will be solely to pay for Jasmine's teeth. You should ask Saint Sinatra if he has any advice. And why are you telling everybody that I have to get a tooth? That's nobody's business. Because I said those are the only fakes that you have now. It's teeth. Oh my god. We just had advice people on. People giving me advice and I had Josephine up here and she was going nuts. There was a dog communicator on that said that the vibe that she gets from Josephine is that she sees a pink bow around her head. I was like, that's one of Violet's socks that she ate. But anyway, I hired her for $1,000 a month to communicate with Josephine. Is that okay? You better stop right now, but I can't get a tooth. You can't get a tooth. Why don't you just take one of Josephine's teeth are falling out. Why don't You just put one of those in. Where is she? Where is she for my baby? I put her back in the crate because she was barking and yelping. Jess, I had her up here for 55 minutes. She's yelping over the audio. You just used her? Yes. Wow. You just used everybody. Why did you send me a picture of Royal Crown Bakery? Because we used to go there. We went there like once. We went there on Staten Island. We went there once. We went there a few times. Did you get a bagel? I didn't go in. Who's driving, Jerry? I was just driving by. Jerry's driving? Yeah. Hey, Jerry. Oh, you can't hear us. Oh, I thought you were on Bluetooth. No. Hi, Chris. Hi, Chris. Hi. You want to say hi to people on the Chrissy Chaos podcast? Oh, hold on. Go ahead. Jerry, you're on the Chrissy Chaos podcast. You want to say hi to the people? Some of them, they said they miss you. Oh, hi, everybody. It's me, T.T. Jerry. I miss you guys. I love you. Are you driving with high heels on or regular shoes? Oh, nice. Easter. Easter, Colin. Oh, yeah. Happy Easter. Colin. Jesus, the Lord has risen for you. The who? The Lord. The Lord has risen for you. Oh, the Lord has risen for me? Yeah. One of our fans, a big, big, big black guy, wanted to know if you're single. I'm very, very single for a big black guy. Nice. All right, good. All right. Give him my info. I'm going to give him your info. Tell him to come pick me up. Yeah, I'm going to tell him to come pick you up, baby. I don't know, mommy. All right, I'll talk to you guys later. All right, bye. Bye, love you. Bye, bye, love you. Bye, bye, bye. I forgot to tell you, Jerry, I 100% thought I was breaking into your house because we've never met before. I told him Vito was going to be coming over because I was going to be at the bank. He was like, what he looked like. I said, he's a really big guy. He looks like Wreck-It Ralph. I opened the back door, and that's where Jerry was just standing behind there. He was like, who are you? And I was like, ah, Vito, I'm early. What do we got to talk about? Well, UConn, Michigan last night. That was, I watched that game. I had told a friend of mine. You a fake UConn fan, too? No, no. I actually, well, I was, my family was going for UConn because of the Huskies. but I was going for Michigan, the Wolverines, because I'm taking the Wolverine peptide stack, which is BPC-157 and TB-500. So I said, I have Wolverine in my body. You didn't tell me how Easter was because you switched it to Saturday. We switched it to Saturday and my mom was mad at me because we showed up an hour late. My daughters ate pasta that Jasmine's mom made the night before. They ate that in the car and didn't eat any of my mother's cooking. And then my mother said to Delilah, why aren't you eating? She said, because I ate Nana's food, which is Jasmine's mom. So that pissed them off. And then my mom, because she was just mad at everything I was doing, I was sitting there eating a chicken cullin, and she was like, you don't even cut your meat. And then she walked away. Were you eating it on a fork, just a hole? Yeah, I was eating it on a fork, and I was going like that. And then I put it down. I was just like chewing. And then she was just staring at me. Do the grandmas beef? No, not really. Not really. they all pretty much get along but she was like she literally told me that i don't cut my meat and she said that that i need to start cutting my meat i was like i'm 41 years old and then jasmine was like why does your mom keep talking about your meat i was like i know um but easter was good how was yours how was um what do you do for jewish easter well i mean i'm my i'm catholic on my my side so but your kid is jewish because it came out of a jewish yeah that's the rule and we're raising her jewish but we like no yarmulke though right no yarmulke i don't i don't think girls wear yarmulke if it was a boy would you put a yarmulke on it i don't think so i don't think we're that jewish if you had a boy though like would would you so you if you eventually did have more children had a boy you would not have him be a yarmulke person i guess on like the like if maybe the holidays when they do it like i think sometimes you got to wear it on like one of the holidays but like not like daily now if your son was wearing a yarmulke would you then also wear yarmulke in solidarity with him no unless it's the holidays like i wear it on the house i wear when i have to but then i fucking found out dude i go to some of these things and some people just wear fucking hats and i'm like why can't i just wear a hat then truthfully yeah i mean on the history heinous podcast we call them frisbees why don't you just put a frisbee on my like my lingo when i'm like saying uh i'm like saying if i'm asking if one of them is i go i give a head tap and I give like a questionable. Yeah. And she knows now. And now she's like, yes or no. Yes or no. Nice. Now. But with Easter, did you find out why your mom made you do it on Saturday instead of Sunday? Because on Sunday, my mom and my aunts were going out to a restaurant that they always go to in Ridgewood. And so because of that reason, they basically didn't even invite the rest of the family. They wanted to keep it small on Easter Sunday and just go out to eat. and so they made it on a Saturday. But I still actually don't know what the official reason is because that does sound like a BS reason. So I really honestly don't know but I will say actually on Easter Sunday we had it here at the house and all Jasmine's family came over and it was very, very, there's like a difference that I've been noticing and this is just family. Everybody's got a different family and I love my family and her family for all different reasons. But what I do, what is palpably different is I explained to you, we were an hour late. You know, she ate, my daughter ate the food, you know, in the car, whatever. So there was tension at my mom's house. My mom was upset, pissed off, like there's tension, like you have to be at things on time. They'll ask you a hundred times, where are you coming? Who are you bringing? All that. Jasmine's family is so completely different. We were supposed to have everything ready at 3.30. So Jazz had me and the kids cleaning the house. She was like, like she was like a prison warden, like making us do things that she was going to give us the electric chair if we didn't clean the house and everybody had jobs and it was like woke us up at 7 a.m. like she was drill sergeant. She's like, the people are coming here at 3, house is ready, blah, blah, blah. Her sister, Jasmine's sister, and her mom NTT Jerry showed up at like 1 o Everybody was still in their pajamas The house was not clean at all Now that would have caused a massive issue on my mother side It would have been tension and problems and this and that. But in Jasmine's side, it was just laughed about. And the tension was zero. And everybody just filtered in and kind of had a great Easter celebration with the house half clean. Jasmine went upstairs and then got dressed. I didn't even take a shower. I had my ass dirty for Jesus. and Jerry and Liz and Jessie, their sister showed up with all her kids, people that we didn't even know were coming. And it was just so easy and peaceful and people just hung out, no alcohol. Everybody's sober in Jasmine's side of the family. So I didn't have any alcohol, nothing like that. We just hung out and ate and the kids played outside and Josephine. And I was like, this is so, like I didn't realize like how much of my life I've grown up with so much anxiety and stress that's unnecessary. Like to the point, like I, Christmas Eve is humongous on my mother's side. I understand why it's Christmas Eve. But Jasmine actually brought it up to me. She's like, you know, we're getting married in a couple of months. She was like, I want to do Christmas Eve with my family sometimes. Or now we have this beautiful home. Like, why don't we have it here? But traditionally it's always been, it's at your aunt's house. This is what you do. I actually want it to be, you know, one year of my life. I want to be in Germany for Christmas. I want to see what a German Christmas looks like. And every time I brought that up to my mother, the dejection in her face makes me feel a lot of guilt that I can't do that. Where Jasmine actually said to me on Easter, she was like, we're gonna get married. We're our own little family. She was like, you know, it's like a Russian doll, like the inner sanctum. She was like, we're the innermost sanctum for our little Russian doll. She was like, so if we wanna go to Germany and we think we can afford it and that's something we wanna do for our family, then we're going to Germany during Christmas. And every other year, we'll celebrate with your family one year, and then my family or whatever we want to do the other year. And that's just the way it's going to work in a marriage. And I was like, you got to tell my mom that because I'm not going to say that. So, you know, I just noticed, though, like the stress and anxiety that I've lived under my whole life. I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. I'm really not. I'm not blaming anybody. I'm not blaming my mom's side or my dad. I'm not blaming anybody because I'm my own adult. I have my own experiences. I have my own ways to handle things. But I have noticed like, hey, there's a lot of things that I make a big deal that don't need to be that. And Jasmine's very helpful for me with that because she's like, hey, you're piling. You don't need to pile on anymore. You don't need to pile on. Just if we're a little late, it's okay. Like, don't work. Seriously, don't work. That's their problems. That's their stress. We're a different family now. And I'm like, interesting. What do you think of that? I mean, look, holidays are tough. the best thing about marrying somebody that's a different religion than you is that you don't really argue over holidays. That's a good point. That's pretty sick, man. Like Christmas is never a problem for me. Passover and everything's never a problem for her. She ain't doing shit on Christmas. Thanksgiving. We just like do something together. Yeah. So I, I don't know. I mean like that shit is tough. Like I can't even imagine having to say to my mom, like no more Christmas Eve for you. Right. But does, do Puerto Ricans like, cause Italians Christmas Eve is like the one, the one day, but we're not even Italian. We're German and Irish. So, but you, You were Italian presenting for most of your life. I am Italian. Italian presenting is funny. That should be the name of my next special, Chris Estefano in Italian presenting. I think that... Like, weren't you raised thinking you were Italian? Yeah, in my whole first five years of my comedy, I presented myself as Italian. And you thought you were Italian. I thought I was fully Italian until I did the Ancestry.com on History I News and found out I'm 98% German. Or did we do it on Chrissy Chaos? But your mom knew she wasn't Italian, right? My mom knew she wasn't Italian. My mom knew she was mostly German. Okay, so your mom knew... It was my father not knowing that he was also mostly German. The smallest part of me is Italian. It's just coincidentally my last name. Oh, dude, also, just like, because we buried the lead with it, you like, this is the first time you've, like, Jerry's been talked about on the show, and you spoke to, she's probably update. Yeah, Jerry, Jerry, so Jerry is back. Jerry's driving Jasmine home right now from the dental appointment. Jerry, I don't know if Jerry's gonna come on the pod as much. Maybe, I like with Chrissy K.S. keeping my family, I like, I don't mind their voices. I don't like showing them just because it can create a multitude of issues. And I just, you know, I'm not doing a reality show. And if I am, you know, my podcast, their voices are okay. I think that's fine. I like to do things a little different. You know, my family comes on the show, but it's just their voices. People give advice, but they're giving me advice. So Josephine's not family. Damn. Wow. The dog communicator just fucking shot up out of her bed. Dude, the dog communicator. my bill from the dog communicator is going to be so high this month. We have so much things to talk about with the dog. Did you think she got pissed off when people paid for this shit? I was going to say, man, I feel like... Was that a crazy thing to say to her? I mean, it's her job. I shouldn't have said that. She could say that about this podcast. She also mentioned, I think she has a dog communication slash barbecue YouTube channel. Interesting. Okay, let's look at that. I feel like our Asian fans were like, oh, I'm going to go. That was my Asian accent. How would you rank the callers today? I would rank the callers. Unfortunately for this case, and I know that some people are going to be upset about Josephine barking and yapping in the background. The dog is a dog. We're working on it. I would say definitely dog communicator presented herself as the best. She had the nice studio. She had preparation. So I would say on presentation, she was number one. on who I thought was the most interesting. I liked the vegan DJ guy. Seabass. I like Seabass, and I like that Seabass was kind of like, you know, kind of letting us know who he is and kind of laughing at me saying that he was kind of gay for having vegan rants. And even when I called him a Polack, he very quickly corrected me. I can see he's got a good heart, Seabass. He wants to do the right thing. I respect that about Seabass. Vic, I liked a lot. Vic seemed like he's going through some stuff. I appreciate that Vic's a fan. I like Vic. Vic, I identify a lot with Vic. Vic looks like the kind of guy who will be in my pool in jean shorts coming in the summer with Newport cigarettes coming out of his pocket. And Crystal, I really like. She's not in fourth place at all. But I just think we spent the least amount of time with Crystal. But I did enjoy her as well. I think all the fans were great. Now, do you want to quickly, do you have a cop friend you can call and ask if they heard about the cadet who got banned for saying the N-word on the subway? Yeah, let's call Tommy Gallucci. Oh Jasmine just said you look so handsome and sexy in this pick. Oh wow. I don't look like that anymore. Okay let's call him. let me call Tommy see if he picks up maybe I'll say a slur yo what's up bro you're on the Chrissy Chaos podcast 30 seconds we wanted to know we just had a caller come in and they said did you ever hear this story about the cadet, female cadet, Puerto Rican, Puerto Rican cadet, NYPD got fired for saying the N word on the subway? I didn't, I never heard that. No, I never heard that one. Is that true? I don't, well, that's what we're trying to find out because we never heard that story either. We felt like that was big news. And he said his ex-wife was a cadet. She got fired for saying the N word on the subway, but she's Puerto Rican. I'm like, I thought Puerto Ricans were allowed to say the N word. Did they get the pass for that? That's what I thought. They got the pass. I thought they were good with that. I mean, you're just the only ones who couldn't say that. Exactly. I said my friends get a promotion for saying the N-word in the NYPD. That's fucking crazy. They fight her. All this shit they let go and they fight her for that? Yeah, thanks, Mom Donnie. He's the worst. True. Now, let me ask you this. Last question. We also had a dog communicator on. This person came on and said they can communicate with my dog. They're dead serious. Very well-knowledged. Would you ever pay? They're not well-knowledged. They're fucking shot. Go ahead. You think they're... Wait, you said this person's well-knowned and they're talking to dogs? Get done, bro. You think? What would you do if your wife came home and said, Tom, I'm paying $500 a month for a dog communicator to come over? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I saw you... You know what I was doing communicating to dogs? I saw you post that. They said, Josephine, 9,000 times. I won't even look at you. Yeah. I said, Josephine, come. Yes. The dog communicator... Dog communicator told me for a small fee. She can help me out with that. How does she prove that it's working? She was talking to the dog. Does the dog give feedback? Yeah, she was talking. She was closing her eyes and talking to the dog. Yeah, she was closing her eyes and communicating with the dog on the show. Who the fuck had he had? See, she's probably making money doing this. A hundred percent. She has a dog barbecue channel you could go check out. I'm fucking done. I'm working three jobs. I can't make a dollar. This one's talking to dogs and she's rich. Hey, do you think Tommy was also my real estate agent? What do you think? Should I sell this house and go back to Staten Island? What do you think? Tommy, honestly, be honest. When we were working together, how many inspections did I get? And how many contracts did I pull out of with you? At least four. There had to be at least four. Was he your agent for the fucking Chinese tumbleweed? Tommy was my agent for the Chinese tumbleweed for that house. Oh, my God. How about the one in Forest Hills Gardens when he went for the walkthrough and the whole thing was covered with molds because he had a leak and they said, don't worry about it. It's fine. That's fine. That was after the one in Forest Hills with the Roaches, right? That was after the one in Forest Hills with the Roaches. But that was the only one that Tommy was like, you know, because that house was not cheap. He was like, he would have made money on the deal. He's like, I can't, as your friend, I can't let you buy this house. This is going to be. I never understood that whole, that house was my least favorite. I didn't get it why you liked that house. It wasn't nice at all, right? It was shit. It was just the whole way they designed it. It was just terrible. You got to come up to, when are you going to come up to my new house? before we sell it? Yeah, let me know. When's the moving party? Actually, let me ask you this. This is actually, because Tommy's a real estate agent. He's very knowledgeable in this. We asked, somebody else called in and gave me advice. This house built in 1899, so it's got a couple of problems. So do you think getting new windows, this house that says original windows, could that devalue a historic house or new windows are always going to increase value? You know what? It all depends on who's going to buy it. some people like all that original stuff and then someone else will walk in and be like, this whole house needs to be gutted. It all depends on personal taste, you know? Some people will think you ruin the place if you do something like that. They'll be sick, you know, like some yuppie bitch. Right. They'll cry. Right, right, yeah, so, but, yeah, but if I'm gonna do it, you gotta do, for a house like this, you can't do, I can't do fucking crystal factory. You gotta do, like, Pella or Marvin windows, right? It's not gonna be cheap. No, it's gotta be high-end. You can't do renewal by Anderson. That's not going to work. No. Bro, forget it. Just sell that fucking thing. Just fucking sell it. Jazz wants to move anyway. Yeah, how about Jazz on Staten Island right now getting a new tooth put in? Oh, what happens? That's the worst. Getting a crown tooth. What's Staten Island for that? Yeah, $2,500 for her to get it. That's good. I'm the only guy. I pay for her to take her boobs out and put fake teeth in. How's the health insurance with comedy? Not good. I'll tell you that. I've had a skin tag on my eyelid for the past three months and I can't afford to get removed. You're growing that one out, right? Yeah, yeah. I tell my family look, guys, either you want new windows on the first floor, daddy can get his skin tag removed. So they pick the windows. The skin tag or the windows? What's it going to be? Alright, bro, I'll call you later. Later, bro. Bye. Go talk to you in three months. Officer Gallucci. That's Jalen Brunson Dap Guy, right? That's Jalen Brunson Dap Guy and he also if you check an old History Hyenas episode, he was on History Hyenas. He made famous on a clip called, he told us about the Dookie Cannon, where guys in jail would shit and piss or when he would go arrest people, guys would shit and piss in some kind of soda bottle and just spray it at the cops. Dude, I know this is weeks old, but what did you think about the guy, the Brooklyn guy, fucking talking about ICE and TSA? Oh yeah, that guy was wild. Bahamas. Yeah, Bahamas. Now, that guy, I recognize him from the neighborhood. And you said you know him, too? I went to high school with his brother. Amazing, dude. That's the thing about New York, even though we're nine, what is it, nine million people, I think, in the city. We all, like, everybody knows somebody who knows somebody in New York City. All right, wait. Let's real quick, before we go, let's see. Jazz just texted me, we're a hot couple. Interesting. Nice. I'm telling you, dude, all this is just because you did one thing. Just because I took the storm windows off the window, off the regular windows and cleaned off the spider webs. That's all I did. Dude, you got to like put on a wife beater and just go start shoveling outside. Seriously. Even though it's 80 degrees out. 80? No, what? Today? No, it's about 40. Today it's like freezing temperatures. But there's no snow. No, no. I just mean just like shovel fucking like dirt. You have a yard. Just go out there and do work. Let me ask you this. what should we do for the patreon should we start a patreon or that's crazy i don't know man i feel like you bamboozled me i did right well here's the good news if this increases the revenue on the podcast because now we have video and more advertisers will get in the fans like it it'll do better on youtube we can increase your pay so i'm not even talking about that i just mean you were like dude i was like i know you got a kid i'll make this so easy for you no video we'll do it melt sometimes yeah and then we're at video we're gonna add another show yeah maybe we shouldn't do the patreon let's just let's just like focus on the let's focus on the core product for now it's a good point let's focus on the core product right now we got the reverse hotline going yeah okay we need more single people to call we do need more singles we want more single hotties to call because we want this to be a reverse hotline slash speed dating round yeah and also i'm fucking sick and tired of the calls where people are saying like asking you for advice they don't understand the concept or people are just calling and saying like oh hey chris i got advice let me know call me back just fucking call us tell us what you're an expert in all of these people they all had clear paths tell us that's how you get on the show if you have a clear path of advice and let me remind you of that number one more time it's 929-266-7934 i'm just gonna write it on a board over there we're going to enhance the studio um and uh i have an idea i see you have a bunch of stuff downstairs when i was looking for the camera so you have some hats you have some shirts and stuff right what if best caller of the day we send a hat or a shirt are you going to do that though i'm not doing that yeah i'll do it you'll do it yeah you'll mail stuff out yeah you'll you'll pay for the the posters yeah yeah yeah voice me yeah all right now uh this episode's coming out um tomorrow we're recording a day before Trump has said by 8 p.m. if Iran doesn't give in to his demands, he's going to wipe a whole civilization off. Dude, he was on one yesterday. He was this whole weekend. The fucking Easter Bunny pictures were crazy. The Easter Bunny picture. Then he said that Joe Biden's a retard. No, he didn't say it. He was quoting Kim Jong-un. Quoting Kim Jong-un who said that, which we have no proof that Kim Jong-un never said that, right? No. Yeah, it's so funny. But Iran said he Trump said he's going to blow Iran. He's going to kill a whole civilization of people. So I've said this on other podcasts and I'll reiterate it here. If you are an Iranian babe, you can come to the house. Going along with Crystal's advice rather than unhoused people from a reverse advice hotline, she said to use the unoccupied room in my house for unhoused people. I'd like to house Iranian babes. If you're a babe of Iran, I'd like to house you in this home because I don't want you to get hurt by the weapons. I actually have a Trump video I saw last night after we went over today's show that I'm going to try to find. because uh i think we have an all-timer here yeah oh what the trump video yeah all right here we go i'm gonna i'm gonna just send it to you send it to me and let's let's check it out dude i can't wait to eat this oatmeal do you want to split an oatmeal with me or is that gay uh i'll split an oatmeal with you i'm gonna put some protein you know what i'm not eating anything in this house ever again why because i had diarrhea for a week after that's right you're the only one who got diarrhea dude you had diarrhea for five days after one meal at this house i had diarrhea from is this the most amount of time is this the most diarrhea you've ever had in your life my wife wanted me to like go to the fucking hospital by a certain point because she was just concerned of what was happening that you were dehydrated i mean dude it was crazy like that we we recorded this show on i think tuesday on uh on tuesday and from wednesday until sunday I was fucking 20 times a day. Diarrhea could not keep anything down. Anything I ate came right back out. So did you go to that thing in Astoria, that medieval night fest with full diarrhea? I did. It's two blocks away. That was Saturday. So by then I was like easing back to the other side. I went for like 15 minutes. Because you just, you had the diarrhea. Well, no. Okay. I went for an hour. But like after 10 or 15 minutes, I was pretty bored with it. Right. But it was so unorganized. like one of our friends was there and it took him an hour to get on the beer line. Right. So I didn't want to like, in the middle of it, be like, I'm leaving. Right. But I was there for an hour. 10, 15 minutes was enjoyable, like actually watching it. But like they didn't have any like speakers. They didn't like, there was no show to it. Like it wasn't like medieval times. I sent you this Trump video. Let's see this Trump video. Okay. Let me see it. All right, here we go. Mike, we use the auto-pack. He'd have an auto pen follow-up. He didn't sign it. He was incapable of signing it, so they'd follow him around with a thing that he would call and auto pen on him. And he'd have the auto pen sign sign. He'd take the paper and hand it to his guys, and sign it with that auto pen for the phone. He's got to be good. Right? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Telling the kids at Easter about finding his auto pen. That's, I mean, it almost, it makes you like him, doesn't it? I mean, it's crazy. Isn't it extremely likable? Come on. It's funny. Like. The kids are just looking at him. Yeah. It reminds me of you talking about how your dad, like your kids are like grandpa's annoying sometimes. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where he would just, he flicks their heads and just talks about stupid stuff. Like what would your kids do if Trump sat down and just started telling him about Biden? Like, why is he always like, also like he's obsessed with Biden. He really is. Like he's, he's saying Kim Jong-un. Yeah, he hates Biden. But I mean, Biden, you know, according to conspiracy theories, has been dead for years anyway. Yeah. Who knows? There was a thing that Trump was dead the other day, wasn't there? No, he ain't dead. No, I know. But there was like a whole theory about it, wasn't there? Well, yeah. And you know what? I haven't really looked into it. But I really want to hear the story of how they found this pilot. That they rescued that pilot who got downed over Iran. How did they find him? I guess he has GPS trackers in his uniform. Oh, yeah. This is the one that Trump said that they should make a movie about him and hire the most handsome man in the world. Yeah. Who would that be? Who would we hire? Well, Trump said, go find the most handsome man in the world. And if you can't act, that's okay. Dude, you think I could get it? I think you could do it. I have bad skin I've been looking at. Does my skin look bad? You don't have bad skin. I think you have very nice skin. I've never seen you have acne. I appreciate that. Yeah. Somebody told me I had wrinkles in my forehead the other day. Who said that? Just somebody. Who? Somebody on Instagram because I'm back on. I run my own social media now. So I'm back on. So I see when people tell me that my forehead's wrinkly. What made you decide that you wanted to run your own social media? Because I think that in this day and age, even though we all know social media is a cancer and a poison, and I get that, I think it's the really best way to communicate with the people who follow me and to make content. And if I can try to make content that makes someone happy and helps them with their life, then that's worth me getting a little addiction, you know, tendencies out of it. I just want to So you're responding to people I want to respond I'm responding to people I'm online I'm on my own social media And I just feel like In this day and age It's like We're only going to live once Like you got to take ownership Of your own life I really believe that Alright so you're on social media You're touring again soon I'm touring again So we haven't announced We have some dates in November I'm in Syracuse And I'm in North Carolina That's up at Christy Comedy.com Syracuse in November Woo It's going to be cold It's going to be Chilly chilly cold Chilly chilly cold That's what my mom used to say When she would wake me up she would go Christopher Paul DeStefano come on you gotta put on your sweater it's chilly chilly cold are you gonna go see a basketball game while you're there? I would love to see a basketball game because you're a fucking Syracuse fan yes I am Syracuse fan and then I'll be in North Carolina these are in October and November but just announced April 30th New York Comedy Club I'm doing a show at 6pm and a show at 8.30pm tickets at christycomedy.com I'm gonna be warming up getting my material ready for a special so come be intimate with me you're doing a special? I might be doing a special yeah christycomedy.com April 30th 6pm 8.30pm these tickets will sell out in advance because it's a small room it's New York City so get the Tiki Wikis now if you want to see me baby girl I love you