9.04 - Bad Heir Day

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Welcome back to Dum Dums and Dragons, where improvisers who've never role-played before journey into the world of Dungeons and Dragons. I am the great wizard Portal Snorts, your host. Our heroes are making sure Ginny is alright before moving on to their other tasks. Butthole is doing his best to keep the kingdom running. Gartok received a potion that will let him shape change without wolfing out, and Quinny successfully talked with his daughter about her relationship. But what message did Baba Yaga send Quinny in the case of her death? Find out next on Dumb Dumbs and Dragons! Quinny, you are hearing the voice of Baba Yaga, the dead hag that had been powering your warlock powers, former enemy, now frenemy of the Dumb Dumbs. Recently killed by Captain Toriel, who's ridding the world of pests one at a time. After watching a man rip out his tooth and giving it to you, you had a heart-to-heart with Ginny about her super cool ex-girlfriend. And now you are holding on to a bloody tooth and hearing a message left for you by Baba Yaga. You're gazing into the past. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If only Fallenmeyer Pink Blossom were here, she'd have such a nice time with us. No, you know what? She doesn't need to be here. You sure? I'm sure. All right. Well, darn. So I'm dead. And this happens once every few centuries. Someone comes along and has the audacity to take a run at me. And every so often they get it right. And it would seem that this is one of those times. Now, with each time this has occurred, I've had a different person in mind. A certain, uh, someone to take care of things for me until I'm able to return. You see, it does take a little bit of time on my end to regenerate this incredible youthful visage. So this time, Quinny, as the only one of my current clients who isn't either directly indebted to me in a way that leads me to think they would seek out my ultimate demise, or just too incompetent to do anything other than break their own tooth out and hand it to you, I choose you. You, for a time, will be my heir. There will come a time when the moon is full and the night is dark, when you will hear a door slam somewhere and it is imperative you step through it. It will lead you to my delightfully cozy abode, which for a time shall serve as yours. From there you will encounter more instructions As well as learning how your beloved gifts from me will begin to return You will be bereft for a time And of course I have no doubt you're desperately sad that I'm not there to chat to Or to give you magical little zappy powers out of your fingers When you're feeling particularly cranky or murdery Rest assured you'll get some of that back in time But I will need your help between now and then And after you have fully assisted in my revival, if you decide you would like to break off our arrangement, I understand. You may go free. Nothing is of more value to me than the protection of my assets, my indentured people, my contracts, and of course, my own being. If you take care of me, I will set you free. so wait for the door hear it oh and if this somehow found its way into the hands of someone other than quiddy brown barrow i will find you in time and i will feast upon your very soul but if this is quiddy see you in a bit also my apologies some of this will get a little bit messy Ta-ta. Avenge me. He's become the Quinny Yaga. So what did the haunted... That's very good. So dad, what did the haunted tooth say Ginny says sitting across from you in Gary's house? You didn't hear any of that, huh? Would you have had your eyes closed? Closed, yeah. Yeah, you were just kind of sitting there with your eyes closed for a bit, and I didn't really, I don't want to, you know, bother you in case there was like magic going on, and you seemed fine. So at one point, I went, hmm, so like, I don't know, something interesting seemed to happen. What the hell was that? Can I try? I don't, I don't know that it's safe. I was going to let you listen, but there was a little bit at the end there of like, if anybody besides me is listening to the message, then their soul is kind of forfeit. So I don't know how binding that claim is and I don't want to put you in any kind of danger. This is where this is what happens. Look, if I'm going to be as like a dad to you in like the big kind of stereotypical dad ways, I'm not going to tell you about like what to do with like your broken heart or anything like that. Like you got to figure that stuff out for yourself and I want to support you with whatever you do. okay i'm gonna tell you to do is not to get into any infernal pacts you got to steer clear you got to steer clear of bargains they are like this is a good there's a no bargain house young lady do you understand okay it's no infernal really funny when you try and be put on like a dad voice yeah i'm not good at it no but you you guys all gave me shit about trying to sign that contract that one time anyway just trying to save all your lives so like that's how they get you yeah they love it when mortals get all worried about their lives well okay i'm gonna be real with you you don't really need to worry about this because bucky talked about how cool and easy it is to sign contracts and that led me to believe that it is probably more complicated and dangerous yes because i i love i love him but his judgment sometimes is he's just too trusting so no i'm not gonna sign any infernal contracts or anything i mean also uncle butthole told me that like he has a scroll that does meteor so like why would i want to sign a contract with some like spooky asshole who hands out teeth. I mean, just read a book and blows people up. Yeah, well, good. I'll tell you right now, it's not when you've got options and things are fine that the bargains seem attractive. It's usually when you don't and when things are bad that the bargain seems attractive. Yeah, but like I'm the pranks of this nation. So like if things are really bad and I need power, and the only way to do it is to sign one of these contracts. I think I kind of have to do that. It's about more than me. I mean, you signed one, right? You didn't have any other options, so you signed one. So I get what you're saying. I'm not going to, like, seek it out. Besides, I'm better, pulls out a knife, flips it around, I'm better with this anyway. This is what I want to do. I'm a sneaky, sneaky girl. That's my jam. but if times are desperate then who knows but also can we talk about the I'm not going to tell you what to do with your broken heart thing what the fuck is that I want you to fucking tell me things you've been through stuff and you have been super chill about this conversation which is great and Uncle Butthole was like really good about it but like I didn't go to him I wanted to I didn't want to talk to you but I wanted to talk to you and he came in and talked to me and it was good but like i just ended up crying a lot and you're saying a lot of stuff that makes sense but also it sounds like you're kind of clueless about it which is helpful because if you don't know it then it's kind of cool that i don't know it because it's fine but like i want you to talk to me about stuff even if you're bad at it oh yeah i want to talk to you but i just don't want to tell you what to do about this specific thing you want me to tell you what to do well no i just want to know what to do i don't know it's tough because like i don't want you to be like telling me how i should like live my life or whatever but like i don't want to tell you how to live your life yeah but sometimes i don't know how to live my life i'm like running a country or something yeah and like i have a bunch of people who think i'm really cool and attractive but they're sycophants i learned that word the other day it's pretty good right that's yeah yeah they're like sycophants and i was like following me around be like oh you're so cool like there's this new like bodyguard guy in town who's like he's not like romantically into me or anything but like he's just like he's really into the chivalry thing and he's like i'll protect you my lady i'm like all right cool i guess that's nice i could use a meat shield i guess and and you always talk about how good it is to have someone fighting someone so you can like sneak around and get like i think i'm gonna call it like stealthy attack damage you know if i like you know the sneak it's not you should you should call it sneak attack damage attack that's better okay yeah so like yeah so i'm like so that's fine but i also there's like i don't know i get a lot of like people who are clearly only interested in me because i'm i'm a ruler and then when i meet someone like lee who's like kind of not but kind of it's it's just rare and i realize i'm gonna have less of that there's not gonna be much of that for me because i'm a public figure and it's it's scary so it just i don't know how to do these things and okay yeah so sometimes i kind of need some advice not a lot though because like i kind of got it and so you want to know what i think then yeah yes do you because i just like just like don't just don't be a dick about it i'm i'm i'm legitimately trying not to but and i'm gonna keep trying no i know i'm sorry but i think i've been like this with the grandparents too i'm sorry go ahead you're fine i think lee talks a bigger game than she can actually play i think lee bragging to you about traveling around and living in water deep is pretentious. I think Lee talking about having a dream of painting every city is a dumb dream. Wow. I don't think there's any problem with you liking that. I don't think there's any problem with you having feelings for her. But Lee's a flawed person just like everyone else. what's really nice about love and feelings is when two flawed people come together and stay together or even drift apart but do so in a way that is amicable and peaceful and acknowledging each other's flaws you don't have to make up for each other's flaws that's called codependence don't do that either no contracts no codependence dad the rules that's just too big i'm kidding i'm just too big that's all i'm asking so far i'll come up with more but that's all for now okay so what you're saying is i should have told her her flaws it's not like no but like you said like two flawed people and like maybe i put her on a pedestal you did put her on a pedestal so like i had to maybe like talk to her less like she was like above me even though like that she's so far out of my league it was crazy it was crazy pranks yeah it doesn't matter that doesn't make me cool or hot this lady's pretty cool hot but the city thing you have my jeans that's what makes you cool and flicks her hair back a little bit she like yeah i know yeah okay all right no i think i understand what you saying and and i i try i try to that next look i think it really sweet next time i guess yeah or or that you know you know this time maybe things like if things change and maybe she changes her mind or something then like we can you know i'll put all like uh you know look maybe you don't know what next time looks like yeah maybe right okay right there's a maybe there's a maybe yeah i also think it's really sweet uh that you definitely did way too much way too fast yeah but that's but i'll tell you that's your mom do you know that about her you know a little bit yes you know i i miss her a lot yeah me too she'd fucking hate living in the city yeah she would she absolutely would i think she would have hated lee too you think so yeah yep yep yep mom was always a little too good at seeing past cool well yeah yeah she like wipes under things and comes away with more makeup she's like i did the makeup actually hide that i've been crying a lot or did i just give myself raccoon eyes for no reason uh it made it really obvious that you'd been crying shit okay all right well you know we all you can do i mean i can't give you much makeup advice but you can do a little bit of you know the the dark makeup you can do a little bit here across the cheeks and stuff like that it makes great camo night night camo yeah okay that's good just want to eliminate the shiny facets of your face yeah okay yeah well i bought a lot of this makeup from the market so i did you need to do something with it so that's that's good forehead and cheeks chin a little bit too okay bridge your nose a little all right and then and then you're a shadow okay yeah okay um is the dead hag gonna kill you no she needs my help oh she's that's worse this is a message it's not a line of communication like i'm used to she's dead she's gone but apparently this has happened before and she's come back before she's baba yaga so but if your dad can put things i don't want to say right but put things back to the way they were put baba yaga back together or complete the tasks she has for me she says she'll release me from my contract i thought aren't you kind of paying month to month on this at this point like i thought you kind of were you guys were kind of chill kind of chill doesn't mean anything she holds all the power kind of chill doesn't mean anything she could change the terms basically at any time this is again just sounds likely are you sure you aren't dating the dead crone at this point you're just kidding yeah okay yeah yeah uh that's i'm i'm dating baba yaga yeah you got me gross yeah okay yeah well that's that's great well you let me know how i can help i know you don't want to like put me in danger let me sign any contracts or anything but like no contracts but you're old enough for some danger so i'll keep you in mind all right um thanks for all this you don't have to thank me yeah you're dead yeah well i just uncle pot hole was talking about how like rulers talk to each other about this sort of stuff and like it's important for rulers to be able to talk about this sort of stuff and um i think it's important for like you know like you know the fathers and daughters will talk about it and stuff too. So if you ever want to talk about vintage, oh my God, Ginny. And with that, she, uh, get out and leaps, leaps out of the second story window and scales the wall down. I'm just shout out the window, like go see your grandparents. Bye. It runs off. I'm going back to finally talk shop and business with, uh, the people running the kingdom. Ready for your business? Start with the Handels Platform for the Undernemers. Shopify helps you start, run and spread your business. With an enjoyable theme you can build your brand, marketing tools let your products upvallen and integrated present-up plans to be able to start your business and grow. Both online, personally as under the way. Shopify is made for entrepreneurs like you. So we cut back to the castle. Knowing there are a bunch of meetings on Hall, but Hall would kind of preemptively head down to the meeting area. There's the morning, not quite bagels, other things. You know, Gartok would be there. Annan would have time to organize things. But it's just like, oh, Annan can get everybody lined up. And once Quinny arrives, we can bring him in and do kind of the easy formal meetings that we need to do. Cool. Who's up first? Cormium. This sounds like a big plan, a big swing. And once we've got this, it might help us solve other issues. Okay. So you're waiting in the room and there's a bang on the door and the sounds of swearing outside and you hear a glass bottle fall and break. Patty, is that you out there? No. Who is it? Cormium Planteer to see His Royal Highness, Bottle Fudge, King of Asks. You don't got to be formal. You're a minister. Thank you, Malish. Come on in. Bottle goes and gets the door himself. Like, let's have it. Cormium Planteer rolls a cart in, and he is dressed in, like, full old-timey popcorn vendor attire. He's got, like, a little pork pie hat. He's got a vest. He's got red and white striped pants. and he rolls in a cart with like a jangling cups and like a punch bowl on it. And he just says, salutations, ruling council of Asgard. Thank you for agreeing to see me. Welcome back. I hope your adventures out in the world were fruitful and excellent. Yeah, I don't know. You don't have to be formal. You're part of the ruling council. Yeah, what's with the outfit? Quinny, Quinny, come on in. Quinny's in the hallway. We'll get him in for this meeting. Hey, what the fuck was up with the elevator? Oh, there was an issue with the door getting held open and then a fruit basket. Don't worry about it. Quinny's here. He closes the door and he's like, all right, what's going on? I've brought refreshments as a sign of goodwill and thanks for the accommodations and all of the wonderful learnings that I've received since arriving here in Asgard. So can I just ask Corbiam? Gartok rolls up to him, puts his hand on his shoulder. He says, hey, buddy, why are you going so hard on the gratitude? Well, Goblin. I'm Gartok. Gartok. Lord Gartok. In one of the conditions of my sanctuary was that I would make myself a useful and valuable member of the Asgardian situation. And so I have been observing and trying to learn how to better fit into the society here. And even though, of course, we all know each other from ethereal prison tents and iron zoids, I'm simply attempting to observe the decorum of the town and the court. I was assured by the tailor I spoke to in the market that this was the height of fashion here in Asgard, and I wanted to respect the local customs. And to show my gratitude, I have attempted to make punch, which is a drink I understand. I found a recipe in the market and bought some ingredients, and I've mixed them together. Butthole's already drinking it. It's chunky and generally terrible, but you're a strange kind of fellow when it comes to eating and drinking, so can you roll me a, I don't know, I need a Flavortown check, really. Let's just call it that. That's a three. He spits it out. He's like, whoa. Oh, oh, oh. No, no. I assure you it is not poison. I wasn't expecting chunks. That's all. Chunks? Oh, yeah. It's chunky. Yes. The recipe said that you needed the juice of fruit. So I chopped up the fruit that had the juice in it, and I put it in the bowl along with the rest of the liquids. All right. So if you chew them, then the liquid will come out. It seems, it was not to my taste. Can I try? Wait, what fruit have you got? Oh, God. There's like just chunks. It looks like a sangria pitcher, except he clearly has just put like water and some other base juice in and then just dumped chunks of fruit in it. Okay. Looks delicious to me. Okay. Well, then you can have some. And what I would say for you, Cormier, is perhaps if you spend some time talking to the staff around the castle, they can show you how to make things. And then you'll have the practical experience. Because there is a difference between the menu or like a recipe on paper and actually having the practical experience and knowing what goes in it. Of course. Of course. But thank you for the effort. Well, I simply didn't want to bother the castle staff with such a menial thing. I wanted to prove that I could do something on my own without bothering any of you because I don't want to be viewed as a burden. I'm here to assist and to help. Okay, but I heard you were here with like a big plan that would help us. I was not expecting you to be the cart punch guy. You are Minister of Communication. Shouldn't you be like spending your time doing that instead of going around getting – this is delicious, by the way. If you're expecting the chunks, it's great. Yes, this is what I did in my leisure time. I was simply attempting to show gratitude to all of you for helping me find a home. I do have plans for the kingdom. He takes off the pork pie hat and holds it in front of himself. If you'd like to skip the pleasantries, we can simply get to that. Oh, sorry. Anon told me it was like a big plan and we had a bunch of stuff we needed to move. So I thought we were flying forwards. But I appreciate pleasantries. What's up with the hat? It's the height of fashion here in Asgard, apparently. We've been away for a month. Fashion moves quick. Is it not? Is Anon in the room with you guys? if she showed up for this, I assume so. She's always welcome in any fucking room in this cafe. She just leans over to Sean and says, fashion hasn't changed in a month. Oh, I think he got scammed by a local tailor. What? Yeah, yeah, that's not really the fashion here. That probably was just really expensive, I bet. Tremendously. Did he sell you the recipe? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so he probably scammed you on the recipe too. To think I wore vertical. No, those I bought from a different vendor. Well, you can get some good junk fruit. I bought and wore vertical stripes. This is tremendously embarrassing. You'll have to forgive me. Gartok puts down his like fourth drink of the punch. Just rolls back up to Corbium. Hand on the shoulder. Corbium, chill out, man. You're doing great. Yeah, and I think it's one of those things. It seems like you're really determined that doing stuff by yourself is like the only way to do things. Which honestly is a pretty admirable way to do things. And you're learning a lot very fast. You just end up learning a lot by making a lot of errors. But I think the one thing that you probably haven't experienced in Planteerland is there's been a lot of either doing things yourself or commanding someone to do it under some kind of threat or power ranger. If you ask someone to help you, then they can decide to do it or not because you have no leverage. And that could be a good way for you to learn things that are more practical. But won't that just put me in their debt? No, because those kind of things are not transactional. They could say, I'll help you with that if you pay me this amount, and then you can decide. or they could just help you I see it kind of depends on what you're asking hmm yeah if you're asking like give you a boat then that might cause money unless they have a boat to spare I can give you my opinion on that hat if you asked for it for free he's not what is your opinion on the hat it a silly hat it truly is it is heinous you you look fine without hats and like he looks like his hair grown out a little bit He still like very handsome but you can tell it's... You have to know what you're about here. Yeah, he just doesn't really... You have to know the effect you have on people just with your face. Well, yes, but I don't want it to just be that. I want it to feel like an Asgardian, you know? But clearly I have a lot to learn about. I mean, based on how we're experiencing things in this country, if you don't know what you're doing, are wearing the wrong thing and bring the wrong thing to a party, that's about as Asgardian as it gets in this first two months. Brilliant. Well, then consider me localized. Yes, you wanted to know. Oh, can I wear that hat? Yes. He takes it off, he puts it on. Let's continue. Very good. I don't know why it kind of works on him. i didn't simply want to bring punch as as a thank you uh i have been working with some members i have actually been asking plenty of people for help but in matters of state in personal matters i've been attempting to do it myself uh but now i shall i suppose also ask people uh that now first and foremost i wanted to ensure that uh that i was able to express my gratitude to each of you individually. Punch is a communal treat. I want to make sure you each had an individual treat to show you how much I appreciate you continuing my education here and welcoming me in as a member of the council. So I thought about what each of you needed most, or would enjoy the most, or that would benefit the nation the most. Gartok, when we first met, I encountered you in the field you were having, and I was not entirely put together. You were doing rough, buddy. I was. But I could see that you valued writhing in dirt and soil in some kind of very deep and meaningful way. And so I spoke to Mr. Dirt, the potion mixologist, about ways that perhaps we could enhance the fertilization and growth of your flora and fauna. Back in the Plantier Nation, we have obviously a lot of magic dedicated to this. And my sister who controls the earthen powers is very good at just doing this naturally. But some of what she has spoken about, I thought could perhaps be transmutated into potions. And sure enough, Mr. Dirt was able to help to synthesize a slightly better fertilizer. It is not unnatural. It will not bother the life cycle of the plants. I assume that kind of genetic intervention would be abhorrent to you. And so we have begun a test project under the careful eyes of Miss Blaze. And I believe the results are rather good. That's what that was. I was like, what's wrong with my plant growth? It's gone haywire. Oh, dear. We can cease all operations. No, no, no. It's great. No, I was like, my plant growth usually works a certain way and enriches it over a season. But this was like so far beyond that. Wonderful. I'm so impressed. And people aren't starving anymore. Also, Gartok thought we were only away for three days, not a month. So Gartok was very confused by the rate of plant growth in three days. Oh, my gosh. Whoa. What a day I had. And Cormium just like, you see an earnest smile just break through the joy of this goblin at just like everything. That would indeed be quite a day. Yes. Well, excellent, excellent. The fertilizer is available for you to use. It's easy for a Mosephius to formulate. It even has some of the apprentices working on it. It's a very easy, basic thing. And I thought perhaps it would help in the general re... Forestation is the wrong term. I don't know the natural terms, but bringing more of the plant life in and around Asgard back to life. Yeah, improving the biodiversity. Yes, the biodiversity. particularly given that I understand a site has been located to house the displaced members of your old community that are going to be arriving soon. I thought perhaps if there were things from there that you would like to, you know, tastes of home, perhaps you'd like to grow. Oh. Yes, for whatever you choose to do with the new settlement. Oh, wow. Oh, geez. Yes. I'm not sure what, what do they call it? Coffin plate or anyway. Huh? They said you used to manage a small town of some sort, like coffin plate or. Oh, tomb slab? Tomb slab. Tomb slab. Tomb slab. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Well, I understand from speaking to the portal wizards that the residents are expected to arrive here in some time, a new colony is to be built. Have you heard any of this? Incredible. Well, I mean, we found some of them along the way and be like, come on over. but yes apparently the rest have been located and what well i just assumed as you would know that yes there's a settlement planned wait what they shall be arriving you know i'm not the correct person to end wait what and annan's like i feel like i gave like the barest loosest plans and like yeah they had a month it's been a month yeah and then and then kind of leans forward and says the fuck are you talking about? And he says, oh, sorry, I don't mean to be speaking out of turn. Perhaps you should speak to the little boy wizard who runs the portals. He seems to know what's going on here. Oh. Do we need to bring Seamus in for a meeting, Anon, or just somebody can go to? I mean, apparently, if they're expecting that we have a settlement ready for them, we absolutely don't. We could make that happen. But, I mean. Oh, yeah, I mean, we got to find place for the refugees. Well, but have we considered building a settlement? Well, I mean, I only found out about this right now. Me too. Considering it currently. All right, let's add Seamus to the list, and then we can figure out how many people are coming, and we can manh out some kind of settlement. It just seems to me we are, it seems to me that as a nation we could maybe build outside. We don't need to just shove everyone into Asgard if they'd feel more comfortable in their own place. But like, I mean, they're desert folk, right? Oh, yeah, I mean, yeah, they're used to, you know, the Wild West. and like, you know, we have deserts. What are they called? The things that fly, the tumblewings and stuff. You're supposed to know. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm pulling from Old West Moss and stuff. She's like y'all and I'm like, I'm not the y'all person. It's hard to get the, anyways. Would you be able to design such a settlement, do you think? Oh, I mean, yeah. I have all of Old West Moss' memories. Okay, well. I mean, I kind of am, I'm like half her. It's confusing, whatever. Look, I'm just gonna, tell you all, I'm tremendously sorry I didn't know anything about this. I will talk to Seamus. I will ask Seamus why Cormium knows, and then we can have a meeting collectively. Agreed? Okay, great. Yeah, you want to sort that out? We'll get you to draw, basically just draw a tube slab again, and maybe we can put it at some sort of point where highways are meeting. We know we've got some highway robberies and stuff going on, so if we could set up a little town along the way. Do we have any architectural experts or like neighborhood design experts? No. Cormium raises a hand he says I actually perhaps have a solution to that also I apologize if I'm speaking out of turn I've had a lot of time to talk to people and I heard that the tomb slab people were coming and well it's not so much out of turn as it is just it surprised everybody okay I was like three people are coming so far and suddenly they're all coming it's whoa all right well between the punch the hat the stripes in this this is not going quite as cleanly as I'd planned anyway we made you fertilizer Quinny, I understand that you've been tasked with sorting out the illustrious Mavis Silverwater, who my... Sorry, should I be leaving for this one? I just want to check. Okay, I'm going to go out in the hall. Oh. He just goes through the door, opens it, closes it behind him, and he's outside. Sorry, my understanding was we are simply to deal with... King can't know that she's being dealt with. Oh, I see. You mean assassination. Yeah. You didn't know that? Oh, I didn't know that that's something that you people do. Yes, yes, quite. Killing her, she'll just be replaced by someone equally terrible. Ruining her at a key juncture in her campaign is perhaps the better play. You can certainly kill her later if you want, but killing her doesn't change the message. changing the message ruins and his face melts he's like like pulls in his mouth and slowly comes oh right you're still in the throes of that yes um dealing with her would make it difficult for someone else and perhaps really derail things for someone else particularly if someone else had uh image issues okay well put a pin in the kill thing because i still like that idea quite a lot and there's no reason we can't kill her later. But as long as you don't bring that up while the boss is around. I was not suggesting that. I have something else. Something a little more personal. Go over the door. Knock, knock, knock. Butthole. Yeah. It's all right. You can hear this. All right. Okay. Open the door, comes back in. As you all know, I was the willing recipient of a potion, the doo-doo mouth potion. Yep. And I must say, in my previous life, nothing would have been more deeply shameful than if someone were to accidentally end up with doo-doo mouth in the middle of a rather large and impressive moment. Sure, yeah. Yeah, the doo-doo dose someone. From what we're seeing on the Toriel portals, it would seem that Miss Silverwater will be introducing some kind of new, wonderful gift from someone in the near future. If we could find a way to dose her before she gets on the broadcast to the entire world, I think that would probably do quite a bit more than a blade in the dark. Not that we would ever do that. Right. Yeah, I literally don't allow that. Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's not fully getting out our message, but it's kind of stopping the other message, which I guess we got to do. To be clear, I have plans on getting the message out. This is just ruining hers. Well, yeah, we need to stop what's going on there because they've started just killing people that are hurting us in a secret way they make look good for everyone else. Yes, that sounds about right. It's right out of the playbook. But again, in thinking about what would best benefit you, Quinny, I thought a devious plan to deal with an annoyance would be the best gift I could give you. I gladly welcome it. Thank you. So, Your Highness, two things. You wanted us to get our message out. I've been talking to various people around the kingdom about ways we can start to do that. The problem you have, of course, is reputation and image. You have changed the name. You are doing good deeds. but at its heart this is still a war nation that worshipped tempest had made war on the entire planet uh raised zombies and still looks a bit spooky so it will take more than a fistful of good deeds for for some to to come around to it first and foremost i thought about what i've observed at this place of you butthole of the way you inexplicably treat people with kindness and care regardless of their various foibles myself included he nods and fixes his pork by head so i thought perhaps we could lean into that uh if we're speaking of i'll save my gift for you to the end of this little spiel but if we are looking to rebrand asgard as something uh you have made this a home for the broken and i think that's something that nowhere else in this strange realm embraces you have places like boulders gate that are very happy to be an assortment of scumbags and weirdos and they kind of proud of it but that not what they put on the card you know So if someone, myself, for instance, were broken and looking for a home, they come here. And I look at all of you, and I look at the rabble you've assembled. Oh, yeah. Everybody's your wreck. Yes. And so this is somewhere where either we could present ourselves as the home of the broken or where the broken matter. I'm thinking innately both. Yeah, that checks out. I agree. So I think if we start attaching that to everything, it's going to be very, very difficult. Particularly as long as your actions continue to sync up with your words, which I imagine they will. But, you know, if you go and conquer a nation, it's going to be kind of hard. But if you continue to do what you're doing, if rather than ask God formerly a car, it's like ask God home of the broken. It's hard to be a dick to people who are taking in broken people and giving them a home, not trying to fix them, but just accepting them with all of their bullshit at face value and giving them ways to feel loved and to move forward in their lives however they choose to. Great. Right. That makes sense to me. I mean we might want to figure out if Call Everybody Broken is the best way to go about it But I like the theme What about more like Home of the Hopeful I get what he's saying And it's like we gotta make sure that we're Home for rejects We gotta have an outsider philosophy on this The island of misfit toys you know The city of losers That is what we used to call this place The nation of future winners Again I don't think We can put a positive spin on it it will not make sense. I'm not going to come. Okay, we're going to figure this out. But yes, I like this. I like this a lot. Yes, sold. All right. And finally, for you, Butthole, I tried to think about what you needed most, what would be the best gift I could give you. And what I see more than almost anything else is the weight you carry of this nation, of ruling this nation, of trying to rule this nation with your friends, who are admittedly a quite capable liar and murderer and a transforming bag of amazing powers and strangeness. Oh, that's nice. An honest murderer. Yes, an honest murderer. May we all aspire to be such. What you need are more helpers. You need help. And I appreciate how willing you are to give titles to former enemies turned, like, blushes a little bit as friends, or into allies and other people you've collected. But it occurred to me you might wish to employ and welcome in more people can assist. You mentioned earlier, do we have an expert in architecture and in city planning? You should. Yeah, and we need an economy. We need a lot. Yeah, you do. We don't have a deep bench in terms of leadership. And I would not advise waiting around until they arrive or just hoping you meet them on your adventures. because the odds of meeting the best city planner while just, I don't know, knee-deep in shit in a tunnel somewhere fighting a dragon seems very... He's going to be the best city planner I've met. He may not be the best city planner. And this brings me to my gift. And he reaches into his robes and he pulls out a worn deck of cards. And they're like battered and very time-worn. He said, this is one of the few things I brought across with me. Your paranoid super murderer, Reginald, confiscated them but returned them to me eventually after he realized they were nothing but a deck of cards. But in the Plantier Nation, we have many enemies. We have people who are perceived as possible enemies. They may not be openly aggressive to us, but they present a problem. If they are not allied to our nation, they might prove to assist our enemies. They may be philosophically opposed to you. Yeah. Correct or simply unaligned, but in a way that we can't control. And our beloved leadership places their names and pictures on these cards. And he starts to deal out cards. And he says, and the bounty on each of these people is not small. But we're like a pretty sadistic and cruel thing to do. That is how we roll in the plantier nation. However, it is also of great value, I believe, to all of you. because what we took as a bounty hunting hit deck, you can use, and it continues to deal with cards, as a recruitment deck of the most plantier-opposed, brilliant, scary people in the world. So my gift to you, butthole, and he slides the deck across to you, is help. Track these people down, hire them, and they can help Asgard rise to greater heights. You can do the things the plantiers never could do because admittedly a nation of scary super wizards is not exactly the most welcoming of places. But for you, and he points to a card, he says, architect, city planner, finance, weapons, so on and so forth. Great. Butthole looks at all the cards and says, this is great, and he scoops them up. And then he turns to Anne and he says, hire everybody. And she takes the deck and she goes, we'll keep our people watching over them to make sure they're not like super evil or whatever. but all of them. And she pulls her card off the deck and holds it up. She says, even this one? And it's Quinny. Wait, how much am I on there? She flips the card around and says, don't worry about that. Oh, piss. All right. Yeah, we'll keep them. And she smiles and says, yes, I will sort through these, make sure there are no monsters or murderers that we wouldn't be comfortable with. And then, yes, I can send out word immediately with the portals up and running. Oh, on that note, Lord's Alliance was very grateful for your assistance in dealing with the dragon threat and saving Daggerford. We now have portal access to Waterdeep, Neverwinter, and Baldur's Gate. No way! Great. That's super. I love what's going on with the Lord's Alliance. Cormier, you're giving us some incredible stuff here. And I also got to say, if you find any monsters who we would not want to employ, maybe let them know about the deck. Let them know about the card. Let them know about the price. Maybe they can make their own choices about the planteers. And Cormium leans over and says, if you want to know any of the mean things we say about them to include, just to really piss them off, let me know. I've got some good ones. I'd like to keep all of those as well, Annie. Can we just put together a little package here? Like a fruit basket in combination with the planteers want to kill you. Here's the price. Here's what they say about you. Just to the ones we don't want to. What mean stuff do you guys say about me? Does it say anything on the back of the card? No, it doesn't say anything on the card, because Cormium personally would never carry these cards because he's at court and he says, are you going to Zone of Truth and Doodoo Mouth me again for this? Nope. He can't legally. Roll me a persuasion check. Me? Mm-hmm. Dirty 20. We said he's the third best thief to ever live. Ooh. Ooh, that would upset me if you weren't already on our side. third best thief who are the better ones uh it doesn't matter it's the fact that i'm the third best that oh no that's what matters to you who are the better ones i want to know we didn't have any we just know we'd piss him off yeah it's so even they don't know they know they're out there but it's such important information they wouldn't even know to call me listen one that's probably stop but who's the other focus i'm trying to focus on who's better than you but i need your focus on Who do we know who's better than Quinny at stealing? I don't know. We'd have to maybe come up with some kind of challenge or something. We can use the portal access to Neverwinter in the other places. Maybe we could send where the thieves go. Oh, maybe we could have games. The nations can play games against each other and one of the events could be thieving. Well, I mean, we've seen the thiefies before and that could go really bad. You already did that. Sorry, I wasn't around for that one. Do you know what? You're making good points. We don't really need to have our own thiefies. We'll just accept that there are two people who are better than Quinny and we don't know who they are. But I don't think that's true. That was just something that they made up to get to Quinny. I was better at stealing hearts than Quinny. So there's at least one better thief. Oh, that's interesting. Of course, I don't have a card. I can see that. You got a very pretty face. Thank you. Thank you. It is. Okay, so we're going to hire everybody. And if we can find out who those two thieves are, I think we should hire them. Sure thing. They'll help us with the maybe silver water thing. But hope they don't exist. That's what you think. Because they're so good. If they're so good, how do we know they exist at all? Exactly. No, not exactly. Explain it. Exactly. No, I'm not making your point for you. I'm challenging you. That's what you think you're doing. I know I'm doing that. That's what you think I'm doing. Or did somebody steal the knowledge you need to know what I'm doing out of your head? Guys, I've been talking with Dr. Martha, and we're going to have to get you into therapy soon. Well, thank you, Cormium. I think this is all great, and we should move forward with this. And maybe we should go to therapy. Is that on your list? I mean, no, but I just moved these numbers around. Anon, sitting there with the deck of ne'er-do-wells, rubbing her temple, says, Yes, go to fucking therapy, please. Yeah, butthole. I'm ready. All right, let's go. I can't wait. I've got no secrets left. Do you still have some? Oh, I don't know. We'll see. Maybe they've been stolen out of my head by the two best thieves in the world. See, I'm glad that you're admitting that that's possible now. You've learned a lot. Humility looks good on you. Maybe I have. or maybe they've stolen my ability to be... Exactly. Oh, wow. I already have a headache. All right, well, the therapist doesn't like us. That's always a good first step. Let's go find a couch. I don't blame him. This episode of Dumb Dumbs and Dragons features the voices of Ryan Laplante, Tyler Hewitt, Laura Hamstra, and our dungeon master, Tom McGee. This episode was edited and mixed by Laura Hamstra, and Dumb Dumbs and Dragons artwork was created by Del Borovic. Our theme songs are And Now for That Massive Coronary, and Skipping Through the Orchestra Pit Part 1 by Peter Gresser. And our ad breaks used the tracks No Control and Chiefs by Jazzar. All of their music was provided by freemusicarchive.org. For all things Dum Dums and Dice, including merchandise, you can visit dumdumdice.com or find us on social media at Dum Dum Dice. If you want to support the show, get an ad-free version, or add your own character to Dum Fae Rune, go to dumdumdice.com slash join. That's D-U-M-B-D-U-M-B-D-I-C-E dot com slash J-O-I-N. One more time, dumdumdice.com slash join. And don't forget to tune in next week for more Dum Dums and Dragons. Dum Dums and Dice has to give a special thank you to the supreme beings of our Patreon at this time. George Dolby, Gavin and Abby McDonald, Grandma Legs D&D, Alan. Alorain Okapi, Madre de Gatos, Garbo Ape, Sam Schaefer, Waffle Marine, Dia Delos Hoodless, Squishy Werewolf, Funky Head, Accent Therapeutic Services in Florence, Kentucky, Lael, Jordan Oliver, Richard Wright, Brittany Fenwick, Megan Werner, A Man Out of Time. Curtis at fingertechrobotics.com, your homeboy bones, Ellis Hatch, Odiginous, Kai Koa, Squire Solaire, Sandy Sassy Pants, Amira Lockhart, James Molina, Nick Hemsing, Mickey Blake, Corpse Knight Silver, Adam Mear 101, The Dankler, Lady Destiny Stormbringer, Randall Eberle, The yes, but of improvisational comedy, Lord Taser. Funky Stevie, J. Robert the Mad Fox, Optimus Omega, The Workaholic Mr. V, LMX, Emilio and Minions, Flea Unit, Drama, Biggs, Magical, Tyler Hewitt has the hottest voice known to man, King Kato, and Jill and Noel Laplante. If you want your name to be added to this list, you can join our Patreon too at patreon.com slash dumbdumbdice. Thanks to them, and a little bit of thanks to you.