#733 - ROB SCHNEIDER + DONNELL RAWLINGS

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Yep, we've done it again. Mixed with our Brian Red Band ladies and gentlemen. What the super likable co-host of Kill Tony. And one more time for the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! This is Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace, PrizePix and Tacobas. That's the great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Balejo, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar behind me, the great John Dees on the keys, and believe it or not, live in the flesh. That is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! Wow, the energy in this room is unbelievable. The air conditioner is working. It is a beautiful 71 degrees in this room tonight. And we have an amazing episode for you. I'm so excited about it. I'm in a really good mood. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Wow, wow, wow. We are, we are by all measurements, the number one comedy show in the world right now. Colbert is out. Howard Stern is out. It's us. 12 and a half years every Monday, and yet I've never had one of the guests that's on tonight's show, and I've always wanted this guest. The other guest has famously been on numerous times and leads the all-time record of walkouts by a guest during a taping of the show. What a chemistry match we have here tonight. Two comedy legends. One, one of the biggest comedy movie stars of all time. Two, literally one of the biggest comedy television show stars of all time. Famous for being on the number one comedy show of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our guests Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings. Yeah, let's fucking go. Rob Schneider. Donnell Rawlings. Yes. Yes. Abs the fucking losing. Donnell. Donnell Rawlings. The Donnell Rawlings show, available everywhere. Rob Schneider is on tour. Rob Schneider.com. Rob, welcome, welcome, welcome. Fresh off of Happy Gilmore 2. Rob motherfucking Schneider. Thank you, Tony. You can do it. Number one show in the world. Yeah, you did it. You did it. You did it. How exciting is this? We've always wanted Rob on the show and we got him looking stunning tonight. We win for us, dressed up for us. We love it, Rob. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. I got this. It's Neiman Marcus in the gay bull fighting section. Fits the right. I love it. That's my favorite section at Neiman Marcus. Everybody knows it. Donnell Rawlings is the best. I don't want to fucking be here. The walk off king of the show. You did that. You don't give a fuck about Black Lives. Oh my God. He gave me a shirt that says Black Lives do not fucking matter on this show. And this is a funny thing. We started as good friends. And I had a situation where people say I crashed out. You was one of the motherfuckers. You was one of the motherfuckers. And they've been torturing me for the last fucking five years. They said that you even came to my park as I said I was Christopher walking off the show. And he's fucking, I love y'all but y'all assholes at the same time. Don't give a fuck. Tell them what else I called you on that episode. Your favorite one. Which one? What did I call you? What? I can't remember. I called you Dave's. Oh, no. And this is my friend. He said Dave Chappelle's butt plug. I called Dave Chappelle's butt plug. What the fuck was that about Tony? That's a good one. That's what we call that. That's a good one right there. Yeah, and I'm telling you these motherfuckers don't give a fuck about me. Yeah. Why you laughing nigga? You don't give a fuck about me either son. And then I'm a father. I love being a father. And I deal with these killed Tony fans for the last fucking four years. They keep fucking with me Tony. They don't give a fuck that I'm a father. I'm a black man. What the fuck is that? We're not going to do this. So listen. These motherfuckers are so fucking ruthless. I posted a video of a core moment in my son's life. I'm teaching him how to ride a fucking bike. And then somebody, one of your fucking fans, says a good thing he looked toward him and how to ride a bike so he can walk out of his life instead of rolling out. Tell him about the top ten video on YouTube. Oh no, this is what you did for me. Thank you for the engagement everybody. But you know he's the biggest name in comedy right now. So he's short fucking kill right? So I was like this. Oh I just googled myself one day. And I wanted to see how people felt about me right? I was like I know they loved the episode when I did with David Lucas. I got a stand-upation. I know that. I was like I'm going to put Tony Hinchcliffe, kill Tony and Don Aarallans in a search engine and see what happens. You know the first thing that popped up, this the first thing that popped up, the ten worst guests in kill Tony fucking history. And I'm letting y'all know I'm proud to say fuck Rick Flair. I'm number one. I'm fucking number one bitch. Woo. So there you have it. You don't care about me Tony. No I care so much. You don't really care about him. I heard he's in a burning role. You had a 20 minute conversation. Yeah. And this is your friend. You said, Red, how can we make you more likeable? More likeable. No one knows about this. And I looked and I said, it's not going to happen. Okay. But this is all about for me. What is that? Is that a siren because I'm a black man on this panel? Oh it's a fire truck because when you walked off that one time we have pictures of you. Stop saying I walked off. I removed myself from the situation. Alright. With your feet therefore it was a walk off. So Rob Schneider is here. The number one ranked worst guest of all time, Don Aarallans is here. Thank you. It is Rob's first time so if you don't know Rob, over 300 people signed up for the chance to be on this show tonight. Holy shit. No doubt about it. They are at a bar next door. If I pull one of these names and hand it off to our trusty assistant Colt over here, he goes and wrangles the person, they're backstage. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to impress us with their hopefully stand up comedy talent. And you know their time is up when you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview with them. We all have fun together. The entire thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well here we go. Your first minute tonight. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool is from an illustrious Golden Ticket winner. One of the best Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Martin Phillips everybody. Here we go. Cool. You know, a lot of comedians, they do jokes. They get the bop-bop at the end. But I don't always have a drummer so I use the robotic cut. So here we go. I stay at hotels. Nice hotels can be expensive. It's like dating $400. The prostitute was $800. I'm losing money. I soda. My favorite soda is Sprite with Cops syrup. It's in a quieter taste. It's like sure I'm fucked up but I don't have a cold. I take my dog places. He's not an assistant dog but you know, it's kind of like me. You know what's going to question that. I think I can bring any animal with me. I think they'd be like, oh yes, that raccoon helps him. He has hands. Wow, Martin Phillips has done it again. He has a brand new harmonica. This is brand new. Guess what? I don't know how to play harmonica. Wow. I have no experience. Wow. I wouldn't even guess that. You sounded fantastic. I think if you add cocaine, it's Uncle Laser. That's true. Can you imagine doing cocaine with him? The cocaine will be everywhere. All right, who's ready? No way. No way. Who's ready to hit this shit right here? Okay. No, this is right. You have a girlfriend. I know you got a girlfriend. You know why? Because I'm watching and your fingers are just going crazy. Bitches, he was like this, I want to make you come. He sounded like Audrey Hepburn or Golden Pond. I want to make you come. Take this finger bitch and do this line of cocaine. Hey, Darno, how about you take a walk? All right, all right, I will. I will take a walk if you walk with me. It'll take 30 minutes to get out this goddamn building. Something's got to hold on to me lately. Wow. Funny stuff though, brother. Very funny stuff. Thank you. That was fantastic, Martin. Very funny. Yeah. My favorite part of that diss on Donnell was that you called him Darnell. Oh, okay. Oh, he did. He said Darnell. Okay. You know, it's funny. Well, as an episode, I thought I was disappointed in my mitten. I thought I was kind of mad. The episode just struck. I was looking at reviews. Turns out nobody could understand me anyway. So I was like, okay, cool. Okay, I'm still good. Ken, when I say something, Tony, even I know that's a joke, but what I understand about you just watching you, the passion that you have for comedy, I know it's not easy to come up here to deal with the things that you deal with life and still want to put a smile on people's face and have a good time. So whatever, we can crack jokes or whatever, but I respect that. I see it in your face and I can just tell how hard you go. So that's all. Good job. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I thought that it was really funny and I would have chosen instead of a raccoon, a ferret. Okay. Four. Four. Yeah, yeah. And then I think, you know, as a closer, you can, you just think about it, I'm just suggesting you could pull the ferret out of your ass at the very end, you know. As a closer, you don't want to do that early because then you can't follow it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you also have a ferret with shit all over it, which is another problem. You're out. These are just ideas, you don't have to use any of them, I won't take it personally. You're out. You just, it's up to you, I've just put it out there, you know what I'm saying? You're out. You're still dressed like a male jiccolo. I normally charge $10, but I'm willing to negotiate. That's a huge bitch. You got, you had sex with the crippled lady in the movie, the wild lake lady. So, yeah, it's like, you know, you are an early outlier, I guess. You know, you didn't like the jacquard wig, but it was the movie. I originally wrote it, I wasn't sure if she had one leg or a penis, I wasn't sure at the time. That was really way ahead, if you think about it now. I have both legs and a penis. So, Martin, you are absolutely on fire. What a fucking way to start tonight's episode on Goddamn believable. Make some goddamn noise one more time for Martin Phillips. And we are off and running. Holy shit, and to the bucket, we go. Oh, shit. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. See, this has starts, Tony. That's how it starts. That's that walk off juice right there. Red Bull gives you wings, that gives Donnell legs. Your first bucket pull tonight, you guys know how this works. If you don't, anything can happen. It could be a crazy person, it could be the next great talent of the show. It could literally be the next best comedian on planet earth. Or it could be someone that's put no preparation into this whatsoever. Could be someone super stable, could be someone completely insane. Anything can happen, there's no show like it. Your first bucket pull tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, Brandon La Caruba. Brandon La Caruba. What's going on, everybody? I got cut off by a Waymo the other day. And I didn't know what Slur to say at it, you know? It was confusing. It was empty. But then it occurred to me that the whole time I've known about Waymos, they've always had Slur energy. I look at this fucking Waymo. And I was like, what type of people is a Waymo? And it kind of made sense. It's very fat people. Because they Waymo than you. I lost about 60 pounds doing the keto diet. Which you guys are in Austin, you know what the keto diet is. It's high fat, low carb, two at a raw all day. And you'll lose a lot of weight. And I was like, what are you saying? It's like having a bacon egg and speed in the morning, you know what I mean? Worst part about being formerly very fat is the stretch marks don't go away despite this one demographic that's constantly like trying to weigh in. You know, formerly pregnant ladies. We like to call them moms. No, they're always like, Brandon, Cocoa Butter makes the stretch marks go away. And I've eaten so much Cocoa Butter and they're still there. I'm done. Thank you. I'm done, la, Karuba. Am I saying that correctly? Perfect. Is that Italian? Italiano. Are you 100% Italian? 75. 75, what's the other 25? Ukrainian. Whoa, look at that. Oh, yeah, we got a Ukraine in the audience. I don't understand why that 75% Italian just doesn't completely take over that simple 25% Ukrainian, you know what I mean? Such an easy pushover. He did a minute on Waymo jokes and half these motherfuckers only know what Waymo is. I would expect you to have Waymo jokes in there, but it was... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Brandon, how long you been to one standup? Six years and change. Six years and change? Where are you from? Long Island, you know, for five years, moved out here about a year ago. Nice. Got on last October, and just been having a good time. What do you do for a living? I am a professional game show host. Wow! And yeah. What kind of game show? Shout out Game on ATX. My employer. They do survey style games and wheel word puzzle style games. The last time I was on, I said what we're directly based on, and I almost got in trouble. So... Okay. But it's cool. It's a dream job, X-rated, family feud questions, or they're really fun. Nice. That sounds like fun. So that happens at like bars and stuff. No, it's a brick and mortar, a lot of company team building exercises, and then a lot of bachelorette parties and people at night, and just hanging out. It's a fun thing. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened at one of these tapings of yours? I was producing for a game, and someone threw a mostly full beer can at the person that was hosting. And then that baller was like, no, we're going to keep going. We're not kicking them out. We're not ruining this person's birthday. That was pretty ridiculous. A lot of people make their name tags, because you got to have like a fake pretend game show name. A lot of people make their name like a slur. Okay. A racial slur? Oh, no, the other type. I'm just checking. Yeah, the regular ones. Inward doesn't mean neighbor. Okay, good. No, we've recently had to start screening people for the N-word specifically. Sorry about that. Did I laugh too hard? Are you really? Rob? Did I laugh too hard at that? Well, first of all, you're very professional. You could tell that you have very good, your voice, that you're very confident up there. Thank you. Now, you don't have to end with this. It's just suggestion, but you could. You could have a ferret come out of your ass and just putting it out there. Now, these are just professional suggestions, but I want to thank you. I want to thank you. And I do think they're for not showing your stretch marks, because I do think there was a curiosity, at least from this side of the room. No ditty. No ditty. I mean, I'm just saying, these are just suggestions. This is my first time on the show, so I don't know how far I'm supposed to go with these. I love it. I love it. Rob Schneider, by the way, is on tour. I don't want to give away what his closer might be, but tickets are at robschneider.com. Pretty sure you could watch a pull of ferret out of his ass. I'm like 85% sure right now that show ends with a bang, dude. So Rob is on my soundboard at work. I'm sure you can imagine what the button is. You can do it button. It's cool to meet you, man. Adam Sandler's calling. I don't know what's the button. No, it's you can do it. Oh, you can do it. Yeah, that was cool. Hell yeah. Thank you for that. Hey, thank you. Very good, man. All right, guys. Brandon. Oh, night long. Wake her ass up. We're going to win tomorrow. Brandon, what do you do for fun? Tell us something crazy about your life or something. You're in the interview part of Kill Tony. You've had some time to think about it since last October. Yeah, for sure. I'm a huge dork. Like I love anime. I love Transformers. I got a little Autobot. Whoa, man. Okay. I play Smash Brothers for money. Wow. Which is fun. Yeah, a lot of women. Smash Brothers. That sounds like something in Atlanta. Yeah. Yaaah! Yes! Dono, Rob. Yaaah! Yeah! From three. Get this fern out of my ass! But I had a lot of fun this weekend. I was working on a friend's show called The Hamburger Club, a comedy game show at the Creek in the Cave. Okay. And I had to shout them out. It's a great format, super fun. They'll be back in Austin for sure. Okay, well, there you go. Look, I'm sorry. It was just the best comedy thing I was a part of in a long time. It was cool. You're a pro. You've got the great technique, great mic technique. I think you should dress up. I'm gonna say gay bullfighter for you, necessarily. But I think, you know, that would be a good thing. I agree. You can do a button down. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, I appreciate that. Real pro, man. You're gonna do great. Yeah, that's like a free t-shirt that you got from a Green Lawn family restaurant. What's that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. They don't sell these. I had to ask for this from my favorite diner before I moved out of New York. And I was... You are the shout-out king. Can I tell you that? Yeah, it is. If they see one extra customer from this, I would be very surprised. No, it's just wearing something that, you know, gives the audience the feeling that you give a fuck, you know, is one of the things. I mean, that's what... Can I add... Rob, can I add to that? And I agree that you wanted to be sent, right? Like, the way you look. And I was gonna wear a suit today, right? Yeah. I was like, just because as comedians, we got the flexibility to do whatever we want. A lot of times people dress down, but I understand what you're saying about the importance of it. But I didn't want to wear a suit because I didn't want people like this. I was probably gonna walk off and go to court in that same suit. So that's the only reason. No doubt about it. Brandon, did you get a big joke book last time you were on? A little one? Well, guess what, Brandon? Hey! A little upgrade for you. It's a big one. Brandon La Caruba was your first bucket pull of the night. It's the most wonderful time of the year. On the beach, on the beach, on the beach, on the beach. And the walkers, are you ready for the drop? Because on the beach you're dropping... POOP POOP POOP! With our price drop protection book, if you book a holiday and it gets cheaper later on, you can claim credit back for the difference. What a bargain. So get booking now. Terms of exclusion supply. Ate up to 60 days before departure. Excludes cruises after an atoll protected. And here we go. We're playing with fire. Pure momentum as we come into bucket pull number two. We're going to keep it moving right along. This is a minute uninterrupted for Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Bell. Any fans of foreplay in the crowd tonight? Yeah, I like a little bit of foreplay. Guys ever heard of Irish Dirty Talk? Yeah? It's when you're both in bed, right? And she's already asleep, but you're having trouble getting to sleep. So you tap her gently on the shoulder and say, are you awake? And before she can answer, you're already in. Hey, hey, I also have a version of that for you ladies. Okay? Ladies, if you're in bed with your man, he's fallen asleep, but you're awake. You can just lean over to the side table, open the drawer, grab something out of it, tap him on the shoulder and say, are you awake? And before he answers, you're already inside him. Okay, Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen. Listen, doing a special kind of... I just want to say I don't think a ferret wants to go in your asshole. First of all, that's one, two. I don't know if rape jokes are quite back yet, but it's an interesting area that could be opening soon. And you're there early. That's all I'm saying. Very early. You have arrived early indeed to that one. He looks like the poster boy for what is that called? Cuckold? What is that? Something like that. Like, oh, you can fuck my wife on her birthday. He just looks like the poster child for that guy. That is some creepy material you have there, Eric Bell. How long have you been to stand up? Two years. Where at? Central Texas, Bell County. Okay. Yeah, you never heard it. Okay. And what do you do for work up there? I am a medical courier. What exactly does that mean? Well, I drop off... Why pick up medical specimens such as... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I've got to do this before I do my show. I've got five minutes. Oh! Do it for Ditty. Oh! Oh! I think I have an image of what you do for a living now. Oh, Jesus. A courier, huh? Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay, how long have you been doing that for? Uh, four months. I have one special delivery! I'm tired of ribograft. I was just going off with you, though. That wasn't mine. That wasn't his. Oh! That works for anything. Oh! I thought I had one. I thought I had one. I thought I had one. I thought I had one. That works for anything. Oh. Four months of transporting bodily fluids. What were you doing before that? What were you doing five months ago? Auto parts. Auto parts. Wow. It's all over the place. Oh my god. What made you want to get into the medical courier business? They just paid $4 more an hour. OK. Wow. Were you a good mechanic? I'm like a C plus mechanic. What does that mean? I kind of made like I could change oils, rotors, brake pads, you know, just middling shit. OK. How did you learn how to do all that? You have a dad growing up? Yeah. Yeah. Grandfather had a lot of antique cars and shit. OK. Are you ever transporting a kidney sometimes? And you go, you know what? I'm just going to stop and have a beer first before I do it. I did have a co-worker that had to transport a human leg. Whoa. What was that for? Where were they taking the leg? She didn't tell me she quit. Wow. But she had one leg she couldn't just walk off. I think you got an area here for jokes that you could use, my friend, with your own life right there instead of, you know, with the wife putting something up the man's ass. Yeah. Rape jokes, thumbs down. Yeah. Yeah. I think the audience responded appropriately material. Exactly. No means no. Not really. You got some no's like this, Tony. No. I'm going right through that no. I still don't understand where were they taking this leg? No, it's, first of all, it's no. Is it no, Papi? No, Papi. That's the difference. Papi, no, Papi. That's a yes for me. That's a yes. That's a clear yes. And maybe even a little choking in there. Shout out to Shana Sharpe. Where were they taking this leg? I can't get it off my mind. Is there a leg transplant or something? Yes, I assume it was. A leg transplant? I assume it was. Is that a fucking thing? I've never heard of such a nice. I mean, like I said, she quit. So I didn't get to hear the whole story. No, that was a movie that they were bringing it over. One of my movies, Doos Pigolo, we had the leg transplant. This is incredible. A leg. Like from the knee down, do you know how big the leg was? We didn't get into a lot of specifics. Is there a thigh involved? Leg thigh? I don't want to make Donnell hungry over here. Leg thigh. I can do this. I call it diabetes. Leg thigh, was there any waffles, including with the waffles and the thigh? So no rape jokes, but moderately racial jokes. No, your rape jokes are completely insane. Our jokes are 100% fan approved. Your shit is frightening, dude. I'll retire it. It's unbelievable. Eric, tell us something crazy about your life before I get you out of here. Okay. I'm a songwriter. What kind of songs do you write? Medical songs. Rape me. Rape me. Hi friend. Mostly songs about my hands. She said no. She said no. She said no. She said no. She said no. I said yes. Hahaha. She said no. She said no. She said no. She said no. She said no. I said yes. She said no. She said no. She said no. She said no. I say bitch. Yes. Hey public public public public public What kind of songs do you write? I don't, mostly songs about my ex. Okay. Do you have a song about your ex that you'd like to do right now? Actually, we're gonna go for broke here. Yes, I do. Okay, okay. I don't write my own music though, none of that hack bullshit. So what are you saying? What does that mean? Well, I take already existing music and just kind of sing my own lyrics. Just sing, nigga! Yes, just do it. Sorry, dude. No band, don't play with them. Let them live, die. I'm in neighbor, sing neighbor. There we go. Do you guys remember the music? Just sing, just go for it. Just sing the fucking song. You win these questions. My god. All right, Tegan, this one's for you. To the tune of Lone Ranger. Sing, bitch. Suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big fat dick, suck a dick, suck a big fat dick, suck a big fat dick. All right, I'm gonna stop you right there. You don't write shit. That's not songwriting. Oh, boo. Here's a little joke book, Eric. Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket. You were the second bucket pull of the night, Eric Bell. All right, congrats. I wanna do something fun right now. Donnell had an amazing opener with him all weekend, and we got to hang out. We had some drinks together, and all of us were listening to music, having a good old time. I wanna give this guy a little bit of stage time. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Adrienne Washington, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Anybody got nieces and nephews? You don't know their real name? Like, I come from a big family. I got, like, 40 nieces and nephews that I know about, right? One of my sisters called me one day, she said, Adrienne, I'm running late. Can you swing by the school? Pick the kids up for me. I said, yeah, sis, don't worry, I got you. I was excited, because they didn't know I was coming, so I wanted to surprise them. I got to the school, and the principal was like, hey, who you here to get? I said, uh... That is a very good question, sir. I said, uh, I got to sit by the side and make a phone call, because I was like, there's no way I can tell this man I'm here to pick up a fat daddy in book. But I tell this motherfucker I'm picking up a fat daddy in book. They gonna call CPS on my motherfucking ass. I walked outside, I called my sister, I said, hey, who are these niggas that I'm looking for? And another time I was coming off the road and my wife called, she said, hey, what you want me to take out for dinner? I said, them titties. Just like that. Didn't think twice. I heard my daughter say, oh, dad. True story. My wife said, yeah, you on speakerphone. I said, why you ain't say that when I answer the fucking phone? You know ain't speakerphone material, right? But as a parent, you gotta try to fix it. So I was like, hey, put my baby on the phone. My daughter got on the phone on awkward and shit. She's like, yeah, dad. All I have is this, y'all. I was like, hey, listen up. I said, one day, somebody gonna say that shit to you. I said, we just hope you don't fucking live with us when it happens. Thank y'all very much. Fuck yeah. Adrian Washington. Fantastic. He's a pro out of the great state of Minnesota, correct? Adrian, Minnesota, right? Yes, yes, sir. Welcome, welcome to the Kill Tony Universe. It's great that Donnell travels all around the world with his own stuntman. I knew I'd sit in the awarding fucking glass. No, no, no. I got ashes all over my hands. I'll do it. I'll walk the fuck off. I'll do it. Hey. I grabbed Donnell by the elbow. Now it looks like my hand is burned. You are the ashes human. Can we get some lotion? Hi, do you have any lotion? Tony, here's the good part. My preference is brand new. Rob Schneider. Here's the good part. If Donnell walks off, I'll just take that seat. You're out of this one. Another difference. Let's check in with Rob. Our chief ferret correspondent. Now you're from Minnesota? I'm originally from Mississippi, but Minnesota's been home for very long. Minnesota? Yeah. It's changed so much of the immigration. I mean, Minneapolis has so many Haitians now. It doesn't even resemble Somalia anymore. Rob done his homework. Yeah, they are. You hang out with any of the Haitians at all? Nah, I like niggas, I understand. Sapasi! They scare us too, white people, just, you know what I mean? They're not eating pets, the Haitians, but they are considering it. So what's going on in life up there, Adrien Washington? I'm a, we empty nesters now, man. Like, so we just fuck wherever we want to. So I love that part. Like, yeah, everybody's like, is it weird not having your kids home? Fuck no. I don't fuck with my kids like that. Wow. Kids think we need them. My daughter said something smart to me one day, and I said, I'll fuck you up. And she was like, ooh, you going to go to jail too? I was like, guess who been to jail before, bitch? That's what they need to know. I was just admiring Dean Madness doing his Don L. Rawlings impression there for a second, unless you guys saw that. He'll be chilling outside of the fire department in no time. This is called bullying L, Tony. This is abusive and enough is a fucking enough, OK? Adrien, I love it. So all your kids are fully grown. Yeah, my youngest just turned 18, man. Just got his license. He's graduated on the Dean's list. I got a son that'll be fucking 30 next week. Wow. So they're all out of the house. All out of the house, bro. My daughter lives a little too close. So she thinks she can just swing by any time. I'm like, get that key up, motherfucker. I got to call you before I come to your house, but you can just swing over any time? My wife's super dope. I've just made 11 years married. You know what I'm saying? So yeah. I got a fucking dog who changed my life five years ago. So I love him way more than I love the kids. It's dope. That happens. That happens. What do you do for fun, Adrien? Comedy, man. Just live. Honestly, I'm getting up there, man. And I've been doing this for a long time. So this is super dope because where I live, there wasn't comedy. So I started comedy where I live at. You know what I mean? I started my own company. That's actually how I met Donnell. I booked them to come there. And I actually met Red Band eight, nine years ago. And I ended up hosting for him at a club. He's the best thing in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I appreciate that, bro. Is he more interested than you? That was just a question. I love it. How do people find more of your work, Adrien? I'm on Instagram, my funny man, Adrien W. That's funny man, Adrien W. There's some other nigga who just want to be funny man, Adrien. Yeah, I put a W on the internet. Adrien, I love it. And I got to, this is my company, One Mic Entertainment. So my website's on here, funnymanadrien.com, man. Austin, you guys have been fucking dope. Hell yeah. Great stuff. Thank you, sir. Make some noise for Adrien Washington, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one. We go back to the bucket. No, come on. No. No, no. Oh my goodness. They really didn't know the difference. It is incredible. The resemblance is striking. Stop it. Y'all really do look alike. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Jose Ayala, everybody. Jose. Yo, what up, Kilton? How you guys doing? Hell yeah, hell yeah. I'm pretty happy, even though I don't look too happy. I'm pretty fucking happy. Yeah, I've been dating a lot lately. I've been dating a lot of Latinos. You guys fuck with Latinos? Fuck yeah. Yeah, I date Latinas only not because I'm a traditional Mexican. I just like the way their mustache tickles my mustache when we kiss. That shit's dope as fuck. You feel me? Just me? Yeah, you feel me? Fuck yeah. No, no, yeah. Fuck it. No, yeah. It reminds me of home. It really does. You feel me? Yeah, I fucking miss my dad. Yeah, my dad fucking hates me telling that joke. He tells me all the time. He tells me, hey, Jose, can you stop telling that joke? But he tells me in Spanish. So it sounds more passionate. So he goes, Jose, you know? And I go, of course I can stop telling that joke, but you got to stop biting my lip when we kiss, you motherfucker. Yeah, he's leaving Mark, stuff like that. All right, my name is Jose. Yeah, that guy's been wonderful. Jose Ayala. Welcome. Have you been on this show before, Jose? No, never been on. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You are sweating bullets. Yeah. Look at you. First time. He must think it's about to be an ice raid up here. All right. Home Depot's been faking for the last six months. Come on. Amazing stuff, Jose. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender, actually. OK. That's believable. Believable. Yeah, here on Sixth Street. Yeah, I'm at a Cheers shop bar down the street. Oh, wow. Yeah, they said I get $100 if I call them out. Wow, look at that. Amazing. I'm sorry. I fucking need the money. It's OK. Serious question, Jose. Are you sweating because you're nervous tonight performing in the number one show on YouTube, or are you smuggling drugs in your ass? Both. I think you're right. Follow-up question. Are the drugs stuffed inside of a ferret? He got up there somehow. You're damn right, buddy. You're damn right. I think he's right. Damn right. I think I just can say, Tony, that incest jokes, apparently, are back. What? That means we're right around the corner from Eric Bell being the best comedian in the world. We are just coming around the corner. Cheers shop bar, by the way, has some one-star reviews. Like, you could never believe. This is a little segment on this show that we call Tony reads Yelp reviews. You know, Cheers is one of those bars. Let me just tell you, Sixth Street is massive. Austin famously has more bars per capita than any city anywhere in the world. And Cheers is one of those places that I've seen the sign 2 billion times. And I've never gone in there. I have no idea what goes on in there. And probably for good reason. I have a lot of friends in this city that were here before me. And they've never recommended it to me. I'm going to read some one-star reviews. Let it begin. This is David S. visiting from California, says in all capital letters, fraud. Make sure to check your credit card statement. 18% gratuity was included in the bill. And they had the courage to write in an additional tip when I crossed it off. Do not go to this bar. That sounds like me. Sorry. Yeah. Whoops. I mean, allegedly, allegedly sounds like me, right? It could be anybody. Yes. OK. Diego Z from the University of Texas says, absolutely abysmal experience. Bartender got us in by offering free shots of Buchanans, in which I took him up on his offer. The fuck is Buchanans? I've never even heard of that. Like Bad Whiskey or something? No, it's Tequila. But it's Top Shelf. I don't know. Tequila called Buchanans? A tequila named after a white guy? It's Bucanas. Oh, OK. When you say it like that, it's totally different. I'm just reading the writing here. It really needs your accent. They need those little Latino accent marks over this. Buchanans. Free shot of Buchanans. Free shots of Buchanans. See the difference there? Anyway, I took him up on his offer. Later in that same evening, I went to the bathroom, and he followed me in and accused me of offering cocaine to other patrons. I was threatened and escorted out. I was the only Hispanic male in the establishment and felt racially targeted. If you see a 6 foot 4, 225 pound male. That's him. That's him. Bartender with a beard. Don't go in if you're Hispanic. You would think that an Austin establishment would be more progressive in their offerings to non-natives. But sadly, this is not the case. Save your money and go to a much better establishment, such as Eisenhower's or Peckerhead's. What the fuck? These are all bars I've never heard of. And I have a drinking problem. So that's very interesting. Much better crowds with bartenders that aren't on a personal vendetta of the power trip. Wow. OK. Let's see what we got here. Maybe one more. Fuck, I'm getting fired. Oh, wow. This is great. OK. I really need this job, Tony. Oh my god. I got to tell you, this one, we're going back. We're going to March 2020 here. Let's go back in time. Joanne L. from Pittsburgh, PA says, walked by. Bouncer sees we're Asian and yells, come on in. No coronavirus here. Then proceeds to offer us kamikaze shots. Wow. How long have you worked at this establishment? Only nine months. Only nine months. And I- Absolutely incredible. I hope to continue to. Oh, my god. Oh, it's over, bro. This is it. Oh, yeah. My god. It's so hard to say goodbye. Able-O says in all capital letters, racist staff. This is the worst place that I've come to on 6th Street. The bartender tonight services to me and my friend for no reason. We are two educated, well-groomed Latinos. Why does everybody have to say their race when complaining? It's like everything has to be racially charged. We asked if there was a bar at the rooftop, and the bartender said no. The rooftop is closed and will be open at 8.30. Meanwhile, there were a lot of customers upstairs having drinks. When I went inside and asked him why he lied to us, he didn't have a word to say, and his face looked really dumb and stupid. I still like to think this is you. All right, let me read one more here. Let's see if we got one more. Wait, what was that? What was that? The kamikaze does sound kind of racist, but there's another drink at that establishment called miso hor mi. It's also- Hold on, go back. Two parts gin, one part soda. All right. One last one. Let's see if there's any newer ones. Where's the newest one at? Four girls got their phone stolen last night out of their purses and pockets. All right. OK. $10 for a fucking Smirnoff ice. It's OK. That's enough. What do you think the worst part of Cheers Bar is? You're the one getting side cash out of them? Oh, shit. All right, the atmosphere kind of sucks. OK, perfect. No, it's- I'm not going to lie. It's kind of dumpy in there. I'm not going to- yeah, it's- I work there, and I fucking have to see it every day, dude. Come on. You know he's going to be collecting medical specimens after this shit, right? Ski-ee. Well, Matt, I'm honest- I'm answering honestly, you know? Like, what can I do? Well, honesty is going to get you fired, but it's OK. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. It hasn't helped me in my life at all. It's a great place, guys. All right, just go. Do you do drugs, Jose? The sweat? I've never really seen anybody sweat quite like you. No, I'm just- I'm just naturally sweaty. OK. You're always like this. Wow. Do you have your green card? Yes, I do. I'm not a fan of drugs. Do you have your green card? Yes, I do. I see I was born here, actually. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. All right. Just- OK, I'm just going to have a read-in and a say. No, no, I'm going to say. Now go ahead. I just say you just look like you still can be rated, but I- it's true. It was born here. I guess it's OK if black people do it. Wow. Yeah, it's not- never racist. They can't be racist. They're black. So none of that can be interpreted as racist, because they're incapable of being racist, as you know, because they're black, or as my Asian mother would say, black. You know, Rob, I own a black ferret, too. I just want to- We'll be right black after these messages. Jose Ayala, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book, ladies and gentlemen. Jose Ayala. We're having fun here tonight. There goes Jose. Absolutely soaking wet. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi. Look what she has. That's real lotion, everybody. Real lotion for these elbows. I mean, I mean, Rob Schneider's doing some of his famous lines from movies, and Donnell is doing real life Ashy Larry. Oh, my goodness. What an amazing moment in the history of the show. Look at that one. Heidi is- slower, Heidi, slower. I mean, it is absolutely- Oh, we got- Can we get a little- Can we get a little on Rob Snipple there? Yeah! Shut the- This is the number one show in comedy right now. And this is what it takes. This is what it takes. A powerful white woman- un-ashing Donnell. Rob Schneider's nipple getting a little residual residue. You gotta love it. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, as we get a minute uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for David Womble Jr. Here we go. I'm a single dad. My daughter is 14 years old. Just finished ninth grade. The entire year, I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid that the upperclassmen are gonna try to fuck my daughter. One day she came home, she said, Dad, this guy came up to me and he asked me if he could hit it. And I thought to myself in ninth grade, pretty good line. But I have my dad hat on, so I said, How did it make you feel? She said, very uncomfortable. She said, Can you tell me some things to get these guys up off me? Absolutely. I said, Tell them your daddy is gonna rip their dick off. Now children never say what you tell them to say. A couple of months go by, she comes back. She goes, Dad, I got something to tell you. Dad, the dude came up and asked if he could hit it again. But this time, I did what you said. I looked him right in his face and I said, My daddy is gonna bite your dick off. I said, Wait? Who ever said bite? And I be at the school every now and then and I fuck with the kids up and I bite them. Thank y'all very much. David Womble Jr. What's up, Tony? Welcome. Thank you. Rob Schneider, what you think about that? Underage sex jokes are back. I think that's a confirmation. We have our finger on the pulse tonight of what's happening in comedy, incest jokes. Back, underage sex, back, rape, not quite yet. What's great about this show, you can really see what's happening in the world. David Womble Jr., have you been on before, correct? Absolutely. And this went much better if I remember correctly. Am I correct? You're good, you're correct. Yeah, I'm good, yeah. I'm correct. Okay, David Womble Jr., tell us, how long you've been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Okay, where at? Started in Colorado Springs, then in Tampa, and then now here. Okay, how long have you lived here? A year and seven months. How do you make a living? I'm an IT technician. Wow, look at that. You don't really see that with your people very often. No, Donnell, no. Oh, my favorite thing right now is Donnell's fresh elbows are leaving a little pile of moisture grease on their face. Pop ice pack. How you gonna let them say that shit to you, dog? What, about that? What? What did you say? I said, how you gonna let them say that about us, dog? Mr. Joe, you just told the joke about eating another man dick. I don't even know what you're saying. I don't know where they do that. I'm still street, man. I still got a homophobia in me. And he even did the impression, I bit his dick like, ah-ha-ha. And then you're like, how you gonna tell them to talk about that? You just chewed a dick on the kill Tony. It's true. It's true. It is true. You know other people will see this. Right? And they're gonna want their dicks chewed off too. David, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life. I play racquetball. You play racquetball? Wow, you people really don't do that option either? This guy, if I told you, if I told you his dating profile, just I work in IT and I like playing racquetball, that is the last face you would guess would be behind that avatar. But it makes sense. You like chewing dicks and playing racquetball. They go together, son. You guys usually make a lot of racket, but playing racquetball. That's a whole different thing. What do you say after this game? We chew some dicks. What do you guys feel about that? Ferrets, ferrets, ferrets. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Racquetball. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. Wow. What else? Tell us more about you. You whitest black guy ever. Racquetball, IT. I lived in Japan for four years. You lived in a van for four years. Japan. Oh, that's... Wow, again. I mean, wow. Not a van. Just throwing it out there. Maybe not a dancer either. Uh... Wow. You know... Yes, I could dance. My buddy, Ace Henderson, who we did comedy with, not much of a dancer. Simmel situation. He chewed dicks? No. I have no idea who that motherfucker is, but all right. So you can dance. Let me ask you this, David. This is a little segment that we've done before. Do not make a black man dance. Thank you. No, no, no. Don't do it, Steve. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. Don't suggest. I'm not gonna do it. Okay. I'm not gonna do it unless he wants to. But if he does... I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm gonna just ask you... No, don't give him a dance. I'm gonna rumble you. Don't give him a... BAM BAM BAM BAM! Just a little shake it up. Uh-oh, here we go. Yeah! Ace! Hey! Churretin, churretin! Churretin, churretin! Churretin, churretin! Churretin, churretin! Churretin, churretin! Churretin, churretin! Ah-ah-ah! Churretin! Yeah! David Womble Jr. No biting of any dicks happened. No fairs were harmed in that dance. David Womble Jr. So you're a junior. Yeah. Are you close with your father? Um... Yeah? I'm not great. Um... Yeah. That was not cool. You know what I'm saying? We're having fun here, David. For sure. We're having fun here. Yeah, my dad was in the military. That's why we were in Japan. Okay. I was in the military. Did you know that? Yeah. I did not. Yeah, I was in the Air Force for four years. That's a song. Thank you for your service. I used to thank you. I used to be a military police. Yeah. I used to curse out that I had a Korean police friend of mine, right? Yeah. We would teach each other different languages and shit, out language. And we would get married each other. We would curse each other out, right? Mm-hmm. I would curse him out in broken Korean. And he would curse me out in broken English. Mm-hmm. And I would like this motherfucker up. I'd be like, I don't know what I said, but I said that shit. And he would curse me out in all the black shit he knew. Mm-hmm. And I would say, shut the Newport N***a mouth. Wait. You are limit pepper chicken wing, fuck a n***a. You'll stay well done every day. You are n***a, baby father. Oh, my goodness. That's what we did. Tony, it was fun. Check in with Rob Schneider. The brothers love Japan and Korea. They do. When I was there, I was with performing for the troops. But I did say, very hard working people Asians, and as I'm half Asian, I can say we're very hard working. Koreans, a little lazy, to be honest with you. No, you go to the Korean barbecue, you know Korean barbecue. You go in the like, welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome to Korean barbecue. Here you go. The special, the top solo. Very good mobbing. Very good mobbing. You talk very good mobbing. And I said, okay, get the top show. And then two minutes later, they come back and it's like, dude, this is fucking raw meat. What is this? Oh, yes, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it. Hey, I'm going out to dinner. I'm spending a hundred bucks with my wife. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You know, so late, I hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. Come on in. Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob. This is the room. You suck your own dick. You suck it. You suck it. You suck it. You suck it. Then you come over here. I gotta say this, me being in Korea, do you know how to say how much for the pussy in Korean? How do you say it? This is how you say it. You say, poji omayo. That's how much for the pussy. But you can't be like, bitch, poji omayo. You gotta be like, poji omayo. And how I'm hungry, how you go pekapok, taksan, they got kyeongnam, taksan, pekapok, money, mucka. That's like, I'm hungry and I'm going to eat. Now if you want to know how you go pekapok, money, poji, mucka, that means I'll eat the pussy. That's what it means. My, John L. Shout out to all the Koreans out there. Don L. My story was a joke, not actually in a whorehouse. You were in a whorehouse in Korea. I was 18 years old. I was making a joke about a whorehouse and they thought it was funny. They didn't want to actually hear an experience of a man in a whorehouse fucking whores like you did. Anyway. You didn't fuck whores. I participated. Okay, never mind. He's definitely fuckable. I was 18 years old. It was a cross-cultural experience. I get it. My kids are half Asian. There was money and fluids exchanged. My kids are half Asian. Their grandma's going to hate this shit. Your kids are half Asian? Yeah. Wow. So your baby mama is Korean? She's Thai. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Poor boy. Don't get that when they play it back. Exactly. No, I get it. Did the Asian grandmother ever eat the dick? She got to America, so obviously she ate somebody's dick. Gobble, gobble, gobble. I don't know if you guys know this, but when Donnell was in Korea, he was part of a cooking show called Walk Off. I like that. W-O-K-O-F-M. You can the walk of the walk. Me so horny. David Womble Jr. Fun times, my friend. And it's amazing to watch your growth. I remember for a fact that's a better set than before. David Womble Jr. Getting better, ladies and gentlemen. That's what it's all about. All right. This is going to be a fun one. This young lady is what we call Kill Tony Famous. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of the one and only Juanita. Everybody, Juanita is back. Any Catholics in the house? New Pope, yeah. No, I didn't grow up religious. So it was very strange when in 2006, I dropped out of high school and to hide it from my mom, I joined a touring Catholic ministry. They made me pray to Themes, one of which was Queen. I'll show you guys. You're going to have to help me a little bit, okay? Jesus was a cool dude, 40 days without food, giving his life for the golden rule. He died in our place, amazing grace, spreading his love all over the place. And we will, we will praise you. Amen. I did that for nine months. That's the gayest thing I've ever done. And I do ain't all that. Believe it or not. Juanita. Hey. Welcome back to the show. I got to do a remix of that song for any black guy watching her right now. Yeah. We will, we will, fuck you. It's probably true until you find out she has a dick, Donnell. That is a joke. That's how it happens, ladies and gentlemen. They can't tell. No, Donnell, come back. No, Donnell. The brothers, the brothers can't tell. The brothers can't. They will, they will. They never, the last place. I was trying to be nice so you set me up. Donnell, the last place the brothers look apparently is the Adam's apple. Whereas white guys know. That's the first place the white guys look. You ruined me. It is. I'm going to say, Charlemagne's going to find that clip. Have you won? We will, we will, fuck you. You are, you are fucked, Donnell. I'm getting word from the streets. I was being nice, son. I knew it was something different, son. I'm sure this happened. I didn't want to get banned like Dave Chappelle, nigga. Donnell, I'm sure this happened before in Korea. Stop touching me, son. I'm sharing Korea as an 18 year old boy. This is a memory coming back to you. This is usually how black guys react. It's pretty. Juanita, have you been with a black man before? No. Okay, are you just saying that so that he doesn't find you and kill you? No, I was raised right. I'm just kidding. I mean, that's a joke. It's a joke. No, I have been, I've been with Juan. He was half. Half a black. Okay. My career is over, nigga. It's over. I knew it, nigga. No, it's done. Donnell, this is... I knew that back was too big, son. Rob Schneider. It's not just that your career is over. This is also an opportunity to educate other black men tonight. You have to look at it that way. Shit, it's over. It's never too much. Black guys out there, you know what to do. It's between the chest and the chin. It's called an Adam's apple. If they have one, they have something else. That is true. This is a special moment for you people. So take that for what it's worth. It's worth a lot. That's so nice. It is. It is. The more you know. Juanita, Juanita, Juanita. An interesting set tonight. Let's just talk about it. Tony is really over for me. It's okay. I know. I know, Donnell. But it's all right. You can pick yourself up. You know, who knows? It's 2025. Maybe the streets will forgive you. Maybe they'll go, wow, you know, Donnell, you know, took a chance out there. He's a progressive, progressive person. I mean, I'm sure when Chappelle sees this, he's just... Shut the fuck up! Donnell. You might like how it feels. Donnell. Shut the fuck up! Donnell, don't touch me! Donnell, I want you to emotionally pull the balls aside. No! Can you do that for me? I think you can, Donnell. You can actually spread them out on one on each side. Shut the fuck up! Donnell, we're here for you. Shut up! Yeah, it's okay. This is going to be good. Shut up, please! Can I get a tissue? Oh, my goodness. You tricked Donnell, and that is going to... He didn't trick me! He didn't trick me! I mean, he to see whatever, nigga! You're fucked. We will, we will fuck you. Yeah. We will, we will fuck you. Oh, yeah. He's going to be mad in the band. We will fuck you. Oh, my God. I see that on your next tour, Donnell. Yeah. Someone's got entrance music. Someone's coming out of that on this next special. How exciting. Oh, now that your glasses are on, maybe you can see more clearly. Yeah, it's exciting. Ashy Larry Meet Ashy Harry. It's very exciting. So Juanita, how has life been going? Let's talk about it. Great, great. What's been going on with you? I have a show in Tyler, Texas, and I've been getting booked a lot more since the show. So that's fun. I moved in with like a really awesome comic. He's awesome. And just life's been good. I love it. Last time you were... I didn't say I would do it. I said they would do it. No, you said we will... No, I didn't say that. We will fuck you. That's not what I said. It's all his group fact. That's not what you would do it. There you go. There's Red Band trying to save you right now. So, oh, the last time you were on the show, Juanita, with the great Jimmy Carr was here, and we found out about Whiskey Hole. Yes. Now... That guy's going through a divorce now. Oh, the guy that you had Whiskey Hole with? Yeah, I didn't realize I said his full name. Oh, shit. Oops. Wow. My God. Does that make it easier for someone to find them if you say their whole name? Yeah, if you're a Turkish-Australian... Oh, my God. ...we'll specifically... Oh, my God. We're learning a lot of things this evening. Yes, we are. Wow. So, his wife found out about that from someone sending her a clip or something? Yeah, but he told me he was single when I met him, because I asked him, I was like, do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a wife? He said, no. Yeah, it's a problem. So, I accidentally had sex with him. Oh, my God. And now I'm not on this show. I noticed a crazy question. Was he black or white? No, he was Turkish. He was like brown, kind of... Pshh. A little... It was in the area, she's saying. Shut the fuck up, man. It was black adjacent. Yeah. It's true. It was dick-lose. Wow. It's over for me, Tony. Oh, it's gonna be crazy. Out there, this is the comeback, Tony. And I'm right where I started when I walked up the first time. Oh, you're a legend now. Now you're a legend. I can just open for you if you want. Would you say wanna eat us? I can open for you if you want. Oh, yeah, that's what he wants. It'll just fix everything. Open your ass. Oh, yeah, she'll open for you, Donnell. Shut it out! So progressive. Better than... Donnell only likes openers that look exactly like him. Can you... All right. All tan. One eat tough. Anything else crazy going on in life that we should know about? Oh, I have an impression prepared for you. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. So this is... It's Charlie Plainmue from There Will Be Blood, explaining birthday pizzas. They're grimoaldies. So we get our birthday pizza, like, every year. Well, the thing is that we used to give out the birthday emails for free, but now you have to download an application. Yeah, but we get it, like, every year. You get no birthday pizza! Wow. Was that a good... You know what's interesting? Now I can see the Adam's apple now, right? All it took was for her to do a spot on Daniel Day-Lewis for Donnell to realize. Hell, yeah. Oh, there will be blood. Or when they fuck you, Juanita, it's called... There Will Be Mud. You know, like, I prepare, fellas. Juanita. Shuffle butter. Fun times. You've been on this show numerous times. It's, uh, you know, wasn't your best set, but always a legendary interview with you. We love your sense of humor. Proof that some trans people can roll with the punches. That's another appearance by the great Juanita, everybody. It's a stereotype, some people say. Oh, yeah. We do have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's only been on the show one other time when he famously came on with children's books for adults and changed his life forever. This is the second-ever appearance from Charlie Mack, everybody. Make some noise for Charlie Mack. Okay. Fuzzy. Fuzzy. Fuzzy. Okay. Okay. Fuzzy. Um, first off, I want to thank the Kill Tony Universe. Y'all really did change my life, you know? Thank you, yes. Now I'm able to buy a lot of lavish shit. Like, I just bought a new $1,500 shelf. I put all my clothes on and everything. Some of y'all know it as a treadmill. I've never touched it. I don't know what the fuck it does. Last time I touched it was to balance myself to put my shoes on. I don't... It's crazy. Now my ex let me have sex with her again. Yes, yes. I like it because she likes the role-play. You know, I be hitting it from the back. You know, I throw on her wig. She throw on my CPAP. Y'all ain't never had CPAP sex. It's like fucking Darth Vader. I'm like, who's in it? She go, yours. I'm like, damn, Luke, I guess I am your father. Charlie Mack. Done it again. Rob Schneider. Congrats. You're gonna make it. You are. You're gonna make it. And for the rest of your life as a comedian, I mean, the next six years are gonna be great for you. No doubt about it. Charlie, fantastic. You said you did role-play. What was the scenario? I threw on her wig and she threw on my CPAP. That's not creative. If you're gonna do role-play, I do role-play. If you're gonna do role-play, think outside the box. When I play role-play, I play plantation. Damn. Ooh, want any to get back up here? Is it okay if we laugh at this? Are we okay? We're all okay? We're okay? No, we can't. We can't. Okay, good. This was not the best decision. Charlie Mack, the last time you were on the show, you told us about your adult children's books, and I guess it blew up, right? Oh, hell yeah. They started calling me the hood Dr. Seuss. I love it. Yeah. Now I have to make up new names, you know? So I'm thinking of a couple. I was thinking of the crackhead from Crumble Street. Pookie and the Stimulus Check. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. The hood Dr. Seuss. That is the only kind of doctor you could be, by the way. Charlie Mack, tell us about how your life changed from that, though. Like, what's going on? Oh, white women look at me now. Ooh. Yeah. Well, yeah. But no, I really, I got a world tour. I'm going all through Europe. Tokyo, everywhere. Wow. International House of Pancakes. My goodness gracious. Look at you. Unbelievable, Charlie Mack. Any plans for when you're over in Tokyo and places? Anything you're really looking forward to doing? Any places you could recommend to your Indonesia? Yeah, exactly. There's this one little place. Just remember, poji, oh my oh. I'm just looking for the other black people, because I don't go nowhere if there's not other black people there. Okay, well, have fun in Tokyo. That's what, yeah. How the fuck do you get on this show then? Man, it's like 12 black people in this whole audience, and I'm four of them. Charlie Mack, you are fantastic. Where do you live again? I live here in Austin, about seven minutes away. Oh, sweet. Hell yeah. And what do you do for fun? When you're not writing books or performing stand-up, do you have any side fun things? The best thing that I really do if I'm not doing anything is I'm on daddy duty, you know. I respect that. Yeah, it's me and my three year old. We be kicking it, robbing, she sell crack. We do a lot of fun shit. Get the money, son. Yeah, we gotta start a family empire. Hell yeah. Can we laugh at that one? Is that all right? Yeah, it's okay. Selling crack! I think Rob greed! Black selling crack! Black selling crack! Daddy duty is also what would have been on Donnell's dick if he fucked Juanita. Duh! Duh! I got something to get out there. Don't laugh! Don't laugh! I got daddy duty! I got daddy duty! Stay black, don't laugh. We all we got, bruh. Rob is gonna breed ferrets after this show. Oh my God, Charlie, you fantastic set. You've done it again. Thank you. You're a rock solid comedian. We're excited to have you and have you back on again soon. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna keep it moving here. We're keeping it moving. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it takes a while for Charlie to get off stage. There he goes. Holy shit. That's a big boy. That's a huge bit! Yes, that's it. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is Michael Hines, everyone. Michael Hines is next on Built Home. Wow, this is exciting. Believe it or not, this is the second most exciting thing to happen to me today, though. I saw UFO on the way over here, an unidentified flying object. Really, it was a non-binary person jumping off the bridge over there. But they didn't identify as anything. Went from she heard of... she heard of see her lit... they, them, to she heard later. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, more of an unidentified falling object. But for a second there, for a second. Ozzy Osbourne's finally in hell. Do you think it's everything he dreamed it would be? I'm sure it's not that bad, though. With all the scientists there, they got to have an air condition by now. You know, it's probably a party. I voted for Trump guys, and I regretted it week one. Week one, he took away my food stamps. What the fuck? He said I got to work 40 hours a week to get them. If I worked 40 hours a week, I wouldn't need fucking food stamps. Michael Hines. Fantastic set. Edgy, funny, current. I loved it. That's great. You've been on the show once before, right? Twice, Tony. Twice. Fantastic. Please tell me why Nita was the one that jumped off the bridge. I wish. I wish, John. That's the only thing that was safe. Donnell, you did my favorite episode of Kill Tony of All Time. I just needed a suicide. What was that, Michael? Donnell was on my favorite episode of Kill Tony of All Time. Which one was it? You don't know? I love you, Donnell. You're my favorite. Look what you've done! I know. Rob Schneider. I've learned that laughing at the suicides of nine non-binary people are back. Yes. That's what I've learned. No doubt about it. So much coming. You got to hang out in Austin more often. You'd really love it here, Rob. By the way, President Trump wasn't taking away your food stamps. He was just making sure that you weren't buying like sodas and fucking Reese's Pieces with it. Clearly. Yeah, guilty as charged. No doubt about it. Michael, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years, Tony. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. Fantastic stuff. What do you do for work? I'm more real-itters assistant. Okay. Open houses and stuff. Don't tell her. Wow. Can I say something? I don't think they like you, Tony. What? I don't think they like you, so if they know I'm here, I might be done for. Realtors don't like me? Those two. Well, they can go fucking, go fuck themselves. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? I'm sure they're so much fun to work for. You wouldn't believe it, Tony. I would. I know what people that don't like me. I know what their mental health is like. Rob Schneider. You don't care about us. Can I say something about you? Okay, yes you can. No, I watch the show, but I watch the show, but everybody else come up here. They're like super nervous and like sweating. You seem so composed, and I want to say this. You just feel like a natural man. Like in a short period of time, you hit enough jokes, and even in your interview, you was likable, you was personable, and you did it in a short period of time, man. Thank you, Sam. I'm just saying. I see a, I really see a future for you, man. Thank you. A Realtor's assistant. That's just my question, because in my experience, even a half retarded person could be a real estate person, so. You cannot say that, Rob. A half a Realtor's assistant could be a full retard, I'm thinking. Could that? Well, she pays me 30 bucks an hour, so if I do two 10-hour days on open houses, I have the rest of the week for comedy. Yeah, there you go. You're gonna do great. You're very funny. There you go. Fantastic stuff. Did you get a big joke book last time you were around? I did not. You got a small joke book? Yes, sir. Well, I got news for you, buddy. You're getting an upgrade. A fantastic minute and a great return for Michael Hines, everybody. We are flying through it now. We are cooking. I gotta say, I gotta say, I gotta, normally I don't do this during an episode, but I gotta tell you guys, this is one of my favorite episodes of the year so far. I'm gonna hand for Don Allen, Rob Schneider. I had a feeling that this chemistry would be crazy in a while. Did I say something? Okay. So, that is one of your favorite episodes and it's not a good feeling for me right now. Wow. Don Hill got canceled tonight. I talked about fucking the trends. Whatever you call it, this shit is over for me. No. Austin has been really weird to me. No. If I can appear to be racist right now and interrupt you. No, this is, this is really, it's really been fun. I've enjoyed this. What about this audience here? Yep. We're having fucking fun. Fantastic. We're playing with fire and we're gonna keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll, one minute uninterrupted, going to James Carrigan, everybody. James Carrigan. I went out with this girl a couple of times and then the other day she sent me a text and started with the phrase, after some reflection. I didn't read the rest of the text. I didn't read, because nothing good ever happens when a woman texts you after some reflection. It's never after some reflection, I think we should try anal. That has never happened in the history of women or anal. It's always after some reflection, I realize we're two different trees going in two different directions and you're poor. Now if a man sends you a text that starts with the phrase after some reflection, it's a picture of his penis. Followed up by we should try anal. Big dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick crowd in here. No. I've never been big on dick. I'm drunk, sorry. I've never been big on dick fix myself. All right, that came out wrong. Thank you guys so much. My name is James Carrigan. Hey. A fantastic set. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be 11 years in September. Wow, I love it. You perform like a guy that's been doing it 11 years. That's great stuff, James. Great stuff. Even though you were tripping on words, you got a lot of big laughs. Yeah, I was just drinking over there and playing chess with this homeless girl and it was cool. I didn't think I was going to get pulled. They were like, you need to go now. Amazing stuff, Rob. I will say your timing though was fantastic, but you also had a chance instead of saying you'd been doing it 11 years, if you had said 11 months, everybody would have fucking went nuts. Well, that would be lying, Mr. Shrine. Talking to Rob Schneider-Mann. Fuck, god damn, this is crazy, right? This is fucking insane. Very, very funny and you started out really strong. That's a really funny new, I'm telling you, you had the audience and you never lost them until you couldn't figure out how to end it. I know how to end it, I'm just saying. And then all the good will was gone forever. No, no, no. No, you did great and it was really funny and you really made me laugh hard. Really good job. Congrats. Great stuff. Thank you. I don't know what to say other than you was funny as shit and then I really believe you look at dick pics because once you brought that up you was like... Juanita, come back! James, what do you do for work? I actually sell air conditioning out. They're playing the other one where the air conditioner was broken on the... You work for them? I don't work for airco. We do air conditions. Air RS? Oh, I'm sorry, I got nervous. Air RS. What? Air RS? A-R-S. American Residential Services. Wow. ARS. Yeah. ARS. Odd name for a company. Yeah. ARS hole. Yes. Sure, I guess. You put in the ACs, you do everything? You're looking for comfort? Check out ARS. We'll cool you down. ARS will. I actually bother people at Home Depot, that's what I do. I go up and talk to people at Home Depot, that's my job. Okay. How drunk are you right now? What exactly did you drink before this? The biggest opportunity of your 11-year career. Tell us what you've been sipping on, Tony. I find this all so intriguing. Nothing like watching 11 years of hard work and all of a sudden... And here you are, you're doing great and you're handling it well. But I can tell, you are fucked up. Like if this was not kill Tony, if this was a random show where it's like a special show where you pull out drunk people and it's a DUI checkpoint, you'd be fucked right now. You would be so fucked. I mean, it's incredible. So tell us, just honestly, truthfully, what exactly did you drink today? We just bought a soda. But I had the pictures, I had the pictures. You had a picture? Yeah. Okay. They sell them next door, you should go check it out. Yeah, no, we have alcohol here. Well, I'm just saying, it's a good deal. Okay. All right. No more reviews, Tony. So you had two pictures? I had two pictures and a beer, yes. Two pictures of vodka soda and a beer. That's an interesting choice. After two pictures of vodka, you go like, hmm, it's not hitting me. Where, where is my beer, motherfucker? This hasn't worked. That's when you get your money back for those fucking pictures. Juanita! That is... Save us, Juanita! Rob brings up an unbelievably great point. You had the beer after the two pictures of vodka? God damn! I didn't think I was gonna get pulled. That's what everybody says. That's what everybody says, especially when you're that blacked out. My goodness gracious. And wow, do you normally drink this much? No, but I don't normally come here, so, you know, that's how good. Okay, you don't really, how many times do you think you've signed up before? I think this is my fourth time. Okay. That's pretty fucking good. Yeah, I appreciate you. Should we do a special segment called DUI Checkpoint right now for the first time ever? What do they have people do? What's one of the things? You have to stand up on like a one foot, like right? And what do you do? Is there any police officers here by any chance? Can we get a police officer up here? Yeah! For the first time in the show's history, I would like to make some noise for a real APD police officer. This is Oscar everybody. Yeah. Yeah! Yes. Oscar, this is what I love about Austin. Rob, when I was in LA, you couldn't find a fucking police officer. If they're lighting a grocery store on fire, you couldn't find a fucking police officer. Here, I'm like, hey, let's try a little... Oh, fuck, there's one right there. This is unbelievable. Oscar, Donna, what is it? Are you scared because there's a police officer this close to you? When I was in the military, when I was in the Air Force, that was my job. I was a police officer. Oh, wow. You never mentioned that you were in the military. I was the worst police officer. I made zero arrests in four years. Wow. Yeah, that's a true story. I was a military police officer. Wow. You used to choke yourself? Shut the fuck up! Red Band. Red Band. Red Band, you can't... You dirty motherfucker! Red Band, you can't ask things like that. No, that was funny though. Did you used to choke yourself? No, no, no. Let's check in with Rob Schneider here. I still can't get over the beer after the two pitchers. I mean, what's the next thing next? Was there a gun at the name? Not tonight. Where did you get that drink from? Some guy just handed it. Give that back. Give the... Get the fucking drink back. You guys are crazy. All right, Oscar, if you don't mind doing us a favor. This is the first time in the history of the show we've done anything like this before. Thank you for playing along. How about one more time for Oscar? Step on up. Step on up to that microphone real quick that he has. Give him the mic there, James. Give Oscar the mic. Would you mind giving a quick little DUI test to James Kerrigan? Talk right into the tip of that mic. Just take us through it. Pretend like we're not here. You just pulled this guy over and you got him out of his car. Let's see what happens here. James. James, where are you coming from? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, do not sit the fuck down, these assholes. All right, I need another microphone. Do we have one under the table? Oh, damn. We have one under the... Where under the table exactly? What's that? Very far right. Is there one more under there? There it is. There's one more. There's one more? Yeah, we got one more hidden there. Oh, this is so fucking... This is podcast history, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. James, he asked you a fucking question. I've actually come up from a comedy club. How much have you had to drink tonight? Two drinks. Two drinks, I mean. Yeah. Honest. Just not specific. Hey. The specificity of the officer's question opened up some vagaries. And James took advantage of it. Advantage? James. Continue. How big were those two drinks? Uh, there was like a shot each. Again, slightly vague. Shots could be fucking huge, apparently. Where are you headed to? Uh, I'm just going home. I'm just going home. I'm just going home. Oh, yeah. Such a suspicious answer. That's all I'm doing. Not doing anything else. Just driving home. James, you seem way too familiar with this experience. It happened four months ago. You got a DUI four months ago? No, I didn't know. You got out of it? Oh, you ain't getting out of this one, motherfucker. Oscar, let's do it. If I can hit him with it, what do you think? Oh, if I get arrested? By the way, I'm not gonna get arrested. Oh, if I get arrested? By the way, let's just take note. Can I just say, when Oscar talks into the microphone, I've been doing this show for 12 and a half years. I've never seen anyone so commanding and clear. It's like a specific type of police fucking... Like, where are you coming from? I just have to say, this may seem racist-y, but you're drinking tonight. We should still arrest Donnell. He's good. Let's do the black-white version of it. What would it be? What would it be? All right. Yo! Get the fuck out of that car! Black lives matter, nigga! I ain't do shit! This went from DUI to DEI real quick. I'm gonna get shot at! I'm gonna get shot at! Rob Schneider's moving to Austin, I can tell. We're having fun tonight. We're getting him. We got another one. Oh, yeah. We're doing it. Oscar, you cool with this, right? Are we good? Okay, Oscar. I'm gonna tell him we can do this. Oh, I love it. Fucking fantastic. How about a hand for Rob over here, the man? We love him. Best squad here at the mothership. Can you give him a little test for me? Can we see a little something? What would you have him do if you wanted him to fail real quick? Black lives! Stand with your feet together. Hands down by your side. Look at my finger. I'm gonna move my finger from left to right. Keep your head still. You understand? Oh, shit. Oh! What do you think, Oscar? What's the verdict? Oh, yeah, for you. Go to the gym. Oh, my God. Oscar, you're leaving here with a big joke book. Make some noise for Oscar. The APD, the greatest police department on planet Earth. James, you had a fucking fantastic set. You rolled with the punches every step of the way. You are truly an 11-year comedy veteran, and you have the jokes for it. You have the stage presence for it. Here's a big joke book. Sign up. We want to see more of you. Come back, James Kerrigan. Wow! The first ever DUI checkpoint in Kill Tony history. He's getting hair cut. We got a new segment. We got a new segment. Oh, my God. I didn't even know that was possible. I mean, what other show in the world has a serious-ass police officer just waiting in the fucking helms? I mean, unbelievable. That was the best... You know what's great? He's going to have to keep his car parked outside and not drive home at night. Yeah. Oh, he's fucked. But, Tony, he was giving him the test. Look at that, me. It's awful. It is. It's going to be James Kerrigan, Donnell in the back of the police car, and Juanita. That's going to be a long drive to the station. Stop it. Donnell's going to get his... Shut the fuck up! Don't do that, son. Don't do that, son. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that, son. Black Lives Matter. Don't do it. Oh. What an episode. We're going to keep it moving here. We're getting there. We're coming around the corner. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. This lady, very funny. She's been on this show before. I'm excited to see a new minute from Sherry Vesedji, everybody. The return of Sherry Vesedji. Thank you. Thank you. I am originally from Iran. Yeah. Where women traditionally don't have dicks. Yes. No! Just mustaches. Yeah. You know what the safe word is for Middle Eastern women? Hashtag... hashtag not all lives matter. Keeping it real. I have a friend who's so obsessed about the size of her boyfriend's dick. She's so happy. Do women who care about size, do they have a measuring tape in their nightstand? Every time a new guy comes along, they're like, let's measure that. They go, oh, oh, oh. You know who I know for sure? Has a measuring tape? No, no, not me. Not me. Kim Kardashian. What do you think she uses? A Dewalt, Stanley, or the circumference of her mouth? Sherry Vesedji has done it again, Rob Schneider. Sherry. I just want to say I look forward to your first tour in Iran when you get beaten to death. It's going to be special. Absolutely. Normally when a comedian... Very funny, very funny. That first joke out there, fucking killed me. Just really, really funny. It's just put more of those jokes together and boom. That's really, really funny. Very special. Thank you. It is true what Rob says. If you ever do a show in Iran, you're going to be the first... not the first comedian to get stoned after a show, but in that type of way, no doubt about it. Right. I have a question. Can I interject now? Of course you can. Yeah, you're a guest. How long have you been doing comedy? About two years. This round I used to do comedy years ago. Can I say this? In this business where it's all about ageism and I'm not trying to be disrespectful or anything, for you to have been doing comedy for two years and have the energy, like all these people that are probably younger than you, what that tells me is that you had a time of your life, you did something, and comedy was your passion. Am I correct? Yes. And you said to yourself, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to do it. Yes. I'm going to do it again. Your energy, the jokes is funny. And then in this situation where it's so competitive, it's all about you're not relatable, you're old school, whatever, and I'm not trying to call you old, but I'm just saying that your energy, everything, your jokes, and I can look in your eyes and tell that it's something you want to do, and you say, fuck it, I'm going to do it. So, with that said, I really appreciate what you did. Thank you. Oh, yeah. And I just want to say, I think there was a black man hitting on you. Yeah. It's not the first time. Yeah. Let's walk on, fucking, we out of here. Hey. Let's go. I ran. We didn't get you tonight. I ran, meet, I walked. No, I want to just add to that, like, I've seen, like, these comments have come up. I'm not knocking nobody. I've seen the desperation, the nervousness, but you feel so fucking calm. Like, this is what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. And that resonates with me. He's trying to fuck you. I mean, you remember that roleplay plantation? Do you know how hard you get fucked if somebody fucks you for their freedom? I'm going to let that marinate. I'm going to let that marinate. And you can use the N-word. I'm going to let that marinate. It might be time for another relotioning of these elbows. Something's got a hole in me lately. Sherry, how's life been? Tell us more about your real life. You know, ever since I've been on Kill Tony, you know, I get hit on on Instagram, you know. But the quality's gone up and the age has come down. I love it. Yeah. Have you taken advantage of any of these situations? I have not, but, you know, all these young guys trying to show me their best minutes. You are so funny. I love you. You are, you are fucking adorable. You really are. You really are. What are some goals for you, Sherry? You are holy. How much time do you think you have all together? A lot. Not in life. Not in life. I give it about 80 months. The clock is ticking. I need to hurry up with this career. But as far as the set goes, like, what's the longest you could do? I think I can do 20 minutes. Okay. But I have more material. I just need an opportunity to do my material. Absolutely. Well, if you come down to the plantation, I could take care of that. You're going to get it. You're going to get that. Good, great job tonight. It really is. You are, they all said it, and I've said it every time you've ever been on. You're so charismatic. You're delivering and executing your material. So goddamn likeable. Thank you. It's unbelievable. Sherry, you've done it again. Red Band? Sherry, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show. Thank you. Boom. She just got booked on a real show this Thursday from the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sherry Beseji. How about one more time for Sherry, everybody? Okay. All right. We have another return of a legendary performer here. This man famously is part of one of the most viral clips in Kill Tony history when he said that he was molested multiple times as a kid. And Dr. Phil famously said, because he wasn't paying attention, I said, Dr. Phil. And Dr. Phil said, who was your favorite? He does a podcast with Tony Hawk. You know him from the Hawk and the Wolf. This is a minute from Jason Ellis, everybody. The return of Jason Ellis. What's up, motherfuckers? So yeah, I'm a f***ing... I know what you're thinking. I don't look that gay. Pitching me naked with a guy's penis in my mouth. Yeah, I know. That's it every time. But I'm not gay anymore. I retired from that shit. F*** that shit. It's hideous. But because I've done gay shit, people think that I'm weaker. Like, that guy's a pretty big guy over there. Just so you know, dude, I can f***ing suck your dick and there wouldn't be shit you could do about it. So how am I weak? Some other people might be like, I don't like your gay talk, Jason. Maybe you're gonna jump me in the parking lot. I am a professional fighter. I will kick you in the head, knock you out and suck your dick. I'm not finished. I'll film it and then I'll put it on the internet and then you'll be gay, but not gay. Just like me. And you wake up and be like, I'm not gay, bro. I'm like, pretty sure this video says otherwise. Thank you. Wow. Jason Ellis, with the best minute he's done on this show. What a special episode this is. Somehow I'm scared to death and turned on at the same time. I feel both soft and hard right now. Absolutely incredible performance. Jason Ellis. Jason did my podcast. Remember that? He did my podcast. And I'm looking at him. I didn't know that he was a f***, right? No, that's what you said. That's what you said. No, no, no. That's what you said. But I'm telling you, this is a scary moment. Like, you know, I mean, whatever. But, oh my God. Apparently the word... Don't let me say this, son! Apparently the word f*** is back, people. He said it and I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't know it. It didn't mean anything. Hey man, I paid my dues to say this. It's so good. But the shit is like, this is a black man. This will make me nervous. I'll f*** you up and suck your dick. Okay, that's horrible. But I could do it. But it could have been the other side. I'll beat your ass and f*** you. I was like, oh, I can't do that. Oh my God. You like that shit. You might be gay than me, dude. As someone... What I'm saying is... The black guys interrupting me again. What I'm saying is... It's true. Here it goes. It is true. I know. They can't be racist, so we all know. They can jump in whenever they f***ing want. And demand whatever they want, apparently. They love... What I tried to say... That shit gay, son. Is that when I met you, you was a guest of my podcast. You was dope as sh**. I forgot what we talked about. And I didn't really give a f*** about sexuality or anything. I didn't know it, but you was cool. Thank you for doing my podcast. What the f***? That's what you interrupted Rob to say. Thank you for doing my podcast. You know what? We're gonna bring Juanita back up here right now. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No one even remembers the white... You're being mean to me, Tony. You didn't see the other day you told me how much you love me. Let's check. I do. I do love you. No, the other day you was like this. I remember when we first met, our connection. You said all this and now you're just leaving out... Leave me out here for people to f***... You don't give a f*** about me. No, Donnell, we love you. I can tell you have that look in your eye. I've seen this before. Bob the grass out, nigga! I got 10 minutes left to show before I go to the bathroom, nigga, you know it! I will say, I can't get it out of my head, but I would like to see you, Jason, beat the shit out of Donnell while he's f***ing Juanita. That is true. That would be the world's greatest threesome. As someone who enjoys nonviolent sex... Where the ending is not a punch in the face, but come in the face. It's different. I just want to say I learned something tonight from you and I won't sleep well. Thank you. You're welcome. I think. Jason, Jason, you are a scary guy. How's it been going in normal life? Really good. Better than ever. I love it. Tell us about it. I got a girlfriend, she's got a vagina, she was born with one. Wow! Look at that. Thank you. Thank you. I'm confused. He was gay, now he's no longer gay. I was never gay, I was just a sex addict. Oh, okay. I just f*** everybody. Okay. And like, when you f*** a lot of women... Stop f***ing my eyes! The other one, look at a me f***ing schedule. But when you try to f*** a lot of ladies in one day, it's a lot of talking, you know? I know that. So, dudes just suck it and leave, it's pretty convenient. The only bad thing about it is, it is pretty gay. Yeah. Yeah. It's in this moment that I realize I'm on the wrong f***ing show. This is the moment? I think it might be... I think it might be time for the audience may need a shower at this moment. Jason, what's the gayest thing you ever did? That's f***ed up. I'm trying to move past that, like the dicks of Christmas past. But I guess, like... I love the music. Whatever you can imagine. I love that the horn players have a song for this. The gayest thing that you've ever done. What's the gayest thing that you've ever done? It's the gayest thing Jason's ever done. And everyone wants to know. Gayest thing. I know how it's done. So f***ing gay, we wanna know. I rola-bladed once. Yo, that's so f***ed up. I used to rola-blade in Brooklyn. You're f***ing gayer than me, dude? You're f***ing gayer than me. That's insane. Sit back down. You can't tell a black man sit back down. You can say take your seat, but you can't say that. Well, if I tell you to take the seat, you're gonna leave, would take the actual seat. I think one question that the audience is thinking is, what is the tattoo that's on your dick? That is a good question. I'm gonna ask the last spot, I got one more gap, and that's it. I probably, I haven't decided what I'm getting on there, but everything, I just want one tattoo, and there's a few gaps, and one of them is my dick. Oh, so there's no tattoo on the dick? That's interesting, right? It's also pretty gay that you guys give a sh** about that. Yeah? Hey. I didn't ask the question! Believe it or not, believe it or not, this isn't even the gayest part of the show. Donnell took the gay cake earlier. We will, we will, f**k you. Oh, you're never gonna flip it down, buddy. Oh, my God. They're gonna come up to you with the airport singing that one, baby. Man, I can't believe you didn't see that she was not originally she. Yeah, even Jason Ellis is like, yeah, Donnell, you're gay as f**k. Oh, he will f**k you? Oh, my God. You sang it with such f**king passion. No, I didn't! He did. No, but black guys think anything white or white adjacent is hot, and that's the fact. Right, fair enough. That's what was proved tonight. Oh, f**k. Stuff has got a hole in me in the l- Guys, can't. Jason. How many times did I tell you I'm no good at? All right, go ahead. All right. All right, Jason, that was by far the best minute you've ever done on the show. So funny, so great, such a great set. Again, it's my favorite part of the show is literally watching people get better in front of our eyes. One more time. Anything else you want to plug? You got the hawk and the wolf. That's close. That's shut down. Oh. Yeah, Tony, Tony's not as good at skateboarding as he used to be, so he has to like get a job. I just like saying that in case he sees it. You're f**king old and you suck, Tony. That's Tony Hawk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, wrong guy. But I'm a comedian on the road, so thejasonellis.com is where all my two or dates live. Perfect. Make some noise. One more time for Jason Ellis. He is gay, the gayest thing. We want to know what's the gayest thing. Hey, he taught me how to fight on my podcast. He taught you how to fight? My podcast is down there, RawlingShow.com. He taught me how to fight. Not fight, but he gave me suggestions on how to handle people. And I really appreciate the fact that, you know, my podcast, it's okay, it's druggling, whatever. But he pulled up and showed me love. Well, it's great that you know how to fight this way. You'll be able to get Juanita off or I'm on top of you later. How much time before the show's over? We're going to do. Don't touch me, Rob. I'm sorry. You went down with the man, Rob. No, I'm just, I have to cancel being on your podcast, I guess. I'm sorry. Call me back, though, when the numbers go up and I want to go. But thank you for being honest. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make it the final bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Tom Anderson, everybody. Tom Anderson. Oh, yeah, mothership. So I'm going through a bit of a transformation. I'm getting fatter slowly and there's nothing I can really do about it to stop it. So I'm leaving it to my government. I'm going to put it in the hands of RFK Jr., our secretary of health, to stop me. And I don't know what it is about him. I really trust him. He's got like a lot of battle scars health-wise. You know, he's got that voice and he had a brain worm, which is, I think that's a disease that kills wizards. I don't really know how you get through that. I'm so curious how that doctor's visit sounded, you know. He's like, doctor, my fucking head hurts. And then he's looking at the chart. He's like, oh, well, it appears you've got bugs in your mind. We need to get those out. So I can only really think of one solution, Mr. F. Kennedy. We're going to have to blow your head off. Let it too close to home. I know. Tom Anderson. Lots of laughs. I could hear them over Donnell talking in my ear. Shut the fuck up! Tony, I didn't come here for this. They don't know the history, Tony. Can we break down the history? Yeah. Be honest. During the pandemic, when you move your shit here, nobody wanted to come on your podcast. Because they were scared to catch COVID. Am I lying? That was, let me tell you, they would come here, they would do Rogan shit. They would like, fuck it. I'm out of here. You asked me, Donnell, can you come? I did. Yo, shut the fuck up. I did. I don't know how to say, ask, nigga. I don't know how to say, amalaze even. Shut the fuck up. Please help him be more interested in format as a square guard. I'm going to be racist and interrupt the black man. This is what they don't know. You called me very different. And you were like, you said, Donnell, could you come and do my podcast? I said, you know, I don't fuck with this shit. I'm too sensitive. I will crash out. Did I not say that? Yes. And I sat here. And we didn't have this desk. You had, you're right. You didn't have this band. You're right. We had a tablecloth and it was on a wobbly table. We did have the same exact band. Okay, sorry. I know, I would have, I would have. You know, all y'all looking like, but listen, Tony, I have to say. Let Rob jump in for one second. I would have done his show then, but I still wouldn't have done your shows now. That's awesome. Just because the number of viewers you admitted that you did that earlier. Imagine the number of viewers once they see him hit on Juanita. I mean, it's going, it's going down. I didn't, you know, Juanita, I had a misunderstanding. You had a Mr. Understanding with Juanita. You thought it was a misunderstanding. That was a Mr. Understanding. Tony! Tony! Let's do this. That's a fucking great choice. Let's just do this. And this is the thing. This, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A Mr. Understanding is like one of the greatest jokes I've ever done in my life. It's all moving so quick. No, that was funny. People didn't even notice. No, that was funny. But this is what these people don't understand. It's not time to joke. It's time to be serious. We're going to get some, we're going to... Don't touch me, Rob. I'm being serious. We're going to get some Adam's Apple juice. I was there for you! I was there for you! I was there for you! I was there for you! Tony, I was there for you! I showed up! Look at me, motherfucker! You said... I was there for Tony. And it was in a time where nobody was there for Tony. Let me snot rocket come out of my house. Let me get this. And you said, Donnel, would you show up for me? And I said, it's a friend. I would show up for you. And I did the show. I was here for two and a half hours. He did the show, he did the show, he did the show. Oh! It wasn't popular. No one wanted to do it. I'm a tip. Donnel took the time to come down, to come down, to come down. Even though he wasn't going to benefit in any fucking way. He still came down. And he never, he never, never, never let Tony forget it. Yeah! Oh! Thank you. And I'll tell you why. It rained in the snow. You were there. You were there. Oh! Who the fuck are you? How'd you get up here? Hallelujah! I'm so sorry I walked Donnel. That was really bad of me. I'm so sorry. Two hours ago you performed. How did you feel it went? I don't remember. What joke did I do? I have no idea what I said. It was a great song. I think it was interesting basing your whole act on the health and human services secretary. That's different than what else we saw tonight. I will say we have learned a lot from our health secretary that our government has been lying to us. And now it's all coming out. Apparently fruit loops is not good for you. No fruit in the loops at all apparently. Got my ass. Thank you Robert Kennedy. Junior. What happened on the first one? I didn't read up on him. What happened to him? His daddy. Yeah. Never mind. We ran out of big joke books to give away Tom. But I'll tell you you had a fantastic set. What do we have for Tom? Anything? That thing, yeah. But that's a big bomb. That's like for people like bomb in a great way. We don't really have anything to give you. Why don't you give him a spot on the secret show real quick? I don't know. That'll be great. I'll have to be on the secret show. Amazing. Tom Anderson you got a spot on the secret show. Thank you. You saved us. Red Band with a big save. Thank you Tom Anderson. Great stuff. Sign up again. And then we'll talk more. You just have to understand you're on a crazy climax of one of the greatest episodes in the history of the show. Also if you want, you stick around later, there's a gay guy who'll beat the shit out of you after he comes on you. If you want, it's just I'm saying it's an option for some of the performers tonight. If they didn't know. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it has been indeed. And there's only one more performer ladies and gentlemen, but it is not William Montgomery. Let it be known, William is out on vacation tonight. However, there's only one other human that could possibly end an episode like this. A fucking freak of nature. Widely considered without a doubt one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Soon to be one of the greatest American comedians. For now he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty. So, when are we getting these wamos to kill the homeless at night? Robots are supposed to do the jobs we don't want to. I see them driving around all empty. They should get together in an H.E.B parking lot fucking. Everybody picks one alley and you just fucking. Help us out robots. Or if you want to be like vegan about it fucking get a car full of them drop them off in Houston. You know what I'm saying? Dude I am. I moved here a year ago. I used to be like no they're all human and snowflakes. Fuck you. Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza. Homeless in Austin every time I see these motherfuckers they're getting stronger and stronger. They're fucking getting D vitamin during the day. Going through photosynthesis. They're fucking fasting. They're avoiding social media. They're cold plunging a lady but like. Homeless in Austin are doing everything Joe Rogan talks about. Thank you so much. Wow. Absolute fucking rock star and you get to watch it in real time mesmerizing. Ari Matty ladies and gentlemen. What's up guys? What's up Rob Schneider? So good to see you my friend. So great to see you and I would tell you I was fucking dying. Wow. Yeah I noticed from the corner of my eye that was awesome. I don't take up a lot of space in people. Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza. It's such a beautiful image. Because you could see what's happening in the pizza parlor. Yeah. A crazy fucking person comes in and nobody wants to deal with it. You get your pizza and he fucking bleeds on your pizza. Keep Austin weird. You're a gigantic fucking star. Oh thank you. Gigantic. Gigantic. And you might get fucked by a crazy guy in the back after too. I gotta say it's so great to hear Rob get to finish his thoughts completely uninterrupted. It almost seems like something's missing. That seems almost racist what you just said. It is interesting a black guy didn't finish the job. Oh. Oh. Enough is enough. Tony in front of your fucking audience. And I always respected you and I told you there is not a platform in comedy that gives motherfuckers an opportunity to go from nobody knowing you to superstars. And I know what that podcast isn't yours. Just saying. I mean that's very racist I know. It meant a lot to me to be here Tony. Can I tell you some emotional shit? No one's ever turned their chair around like that. You we were supposed to this is what the fans. I want to I'm seeing a therapist now right. Because I need to go. Teddy swims is my therapist. And I'm gonna tell you this this is the real shit I'm gonna be honest. This is the real shit. Rod I need a moment. Teddy swims is your therapist the musician. Some of this guy in the hole in me lately. I want to say this. Your teddy can't swims. I feel like Obama chef. This is what I want to say. Obama chef try. This is abusive right now. Tony. You told me. It's nice being interrupted. Okay. I'm learning my lesson. Donnell's not going. Can you do this? Can you do this? Yeah. Tony. Can you give me one minute uninterrupted? Yes. Start the clock. If you give me five fucking seconds uninterrupted. How about that? Is that racist? Give me it. Give the Filipino man something. This is what I want to say. One minute uninterrupted. You got it. The clock starts right now. Okay. Listen. I was there for you. You was there for me. My pockets. You was there for me. And the one thing I regret about our relationship is after you deal with that shit with the RNC or whatever that convention and you was hot. Everybody don't say what make it shut the fuck up. No, you was hot. I'm saying this is a real shit. It's not a joke. Rob. He was on fire. One thing I regret is because you wanted me to be on a show. He was like, Donny, let's go put it into this shit. Come to the show, right? And I was excited about coming to the show. He was excited. I worked with it, but you was hot. You was hot. When Trump, you was hot with that shit. It is true. Donnell is referencing that 24 hours after the Trump rally when all of the news would shut the fuck up about me. They wouldn't shut the fuck up. Donnell was the booked guest. Let's hear this, please, guys. And with 10 minutes before the show started, he told me that he can't be on the show, that the block is too hot. He can't be associated with me right now. No, I didn't say I couldn't be associated with him. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do it. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like that. He is. That's what he meant. He is. That's what he meant. That's exactly what I meant. And I know, I know, I know. I was like this. That was super fucking racist. Yo. I know, I know, I know, I know. I was. I am in love with Rob Schneider. Let the record show. I love you, babe. He is, you babe. I love you. And let me say this. Yes. It was the hardest call to make, because we talked about it. And we said, D, you can just come up there and walk off. It was the hardest shit. I called my publicist nine times. I said, what if I do this, whatever she said. I don't know if that's a good idea. I was like, but that's my nigga, right? That's me. That was his. That's it. Yeah. That's right. The Filipino man just used the N word. On the biggest podcast in the fucking world, in the world, in the world. No. I know we having fun, but I just want to tell you this. It's one thing to regret, because I was like this. I put somebody's what they, I said, it's not it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to say this. That was one minute. You say through my minute. I just want to say this or just say whatever. Because he just wants to say, he's going to say, he's about to say, he's interrupted while he's saying. But I think he's going to squeeze it in because he's standing up. He's over his fucking minute, but he's going to say it and here it fucking comes. We can do this. Hold on, hold on. You go ahead. We can clown all we want, but I'm telling you. No, no, no, we're kidding. We're kidding. Go ahead. Getting a taste of your own medicine here. Go ahead. It's whatever. I just want to say this. You can sing whatever, but I'm saying it's the one thing because I said, and I told you, I said, yo, I wanted to be there for you and your show. I said, but right now it feel like it's going to be political. You know, he was a coward. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, the block was so hot. It's a joke. You guys don't understand. I don't blame anybody for not making that episode. That's what I respect about you. He was a pussy. Hold on. Rob is getting, I'd love for someone, can we get a statistician to go through the episode and see how many times Donnell interrupted when Rob had more to say. And then we will see if Rob actually caught up during this part. No, he's destroying me. Because I think it's going to be neck and neck. I think you guys are going to break about Betty even here. I am trying as a black man. Oh, well, in that case. Oh, no, don't do that. I'm trying to have a moment. You're in Texas. Don't say it as a black man. You're in Texas. All right. What I want to say is I felt bad because in this way I respect about you. I said, you said to me, you said, Donnell, I understand. But that understand, you said like, yeah, nigga, you got scared, right? And I was a little nervous about this shit. And I felt bad about it because our relationship is that when you call for me, I pulled up for you. In my little bullshit podcast. We can cut this part out. We're not. It's editable. You just take a little bit. You cut this shit out. An episode still works and it's funny. This part could go. I'm here. This part could go. This part could go. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I want to say this. Yes. It's funny. We can be funny all the time. You can do that gag all you want. It's still working. It's going to work. And guess what? It's going to continue to work. Yes. Because it's funny. But the point I want to make whether you know it or not, the thing I felt bad about is because when I called you to do my shit, my little podcast, you showed up for me, bro. And that thing that I fucking was mad about is that in that situation, you and I have. No, I'm telling you. I promise you when it gets bigger, I'll show up too. You watch. I don't give a... You watch. What I tell you? Get big. Quick. I don't care about that. No, I know. I don't either. I'm talking about... That's why I'm not going on your show. I'm sorry. I know. We're even now. We're fucking even. Tony, you told me when to chill out. Can you tell this nigga to chill out? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. You're a legend. I respect that. I'm not the guy on the show's name, Rob. Isn't this weird? No, this is what I want to say. I can man it up. I can man it up. This is what I want to say, T. This is what I want to say. And I mean it. Y'all can crack a joke or whatever. But what I'm saying is, what I'm telling you is that I respect you as a friend. I feel bad that I couldn't show up then. And I appreciate... Stop it, Rob. Please. Keep going. Keep going. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I appreciate what you are to comedy. Nobody has a platform like this when you give people opportunities like this. And I apologize that I didn't stick to my guns and beat it for you because you've always been in for me. Yo, yo, I mean, after Juanita, people going to think I'm sus. After Juanita. I'm talking post-war. I'm talking post-1, need to now. What I want to say is this, Tony, I appreciate our friendship. I appreciate what you mean to comedy. I remember a time when you went to that bullshit when they tried to cancel you. And everybody was to fuck with you. You stayed to your guns and you did this shit. And right now, you have won the biggest fucking show on fucking whatever. And thank you, the Cintra is the hell. The Cintra is the hell. The fact that when I called you, I said, Bruh, I'm trying to come back to your show. And you said whatever you want to do, D. I mean, we can joke whatever. I love you, Bruh. Thank you. Don L. Rawlings. That's beautiful. You know what? That was so good. I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book. Don L. Rawlings. This is a red band on that gag, by the way. Unbelievable. And let me tell you something. People are going to say, Don L. interrupts, Don L. this, and people make their jokes about Chappelle and this and that. But let me tell you something. The reason why people make the Chappelle jokes about Don L. is because he was on the greatest comedy show of all time. And more than that, if you haven't, you absolutely have to see Don L. Rawlings live. He's always touring Don L. Rawlings.com. And the Don L. Rawlings show available everywhere where shows are possibly available, because he is a true fucking comedian. Can I say one last thing? He wants to say one more thing. Harish, bitch! Don L. Rawlings. Talks, bass, prize, bicks, and Togovas. How loud can this place get for first-time guests and nominee already for 2025 guests of the year, Rob Schneider? He is on tour at robschneider.com. It has begun. Rob Schneider has entered the Kill Tony Universe, and there's no going back. Future Austin resident Rob Schneider. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Guys, he blended in like camouflage. How loud can this place get for one of the greatest comedians in the world, Ari Matty? Let's see what Chris Rogers cooked up over there. Oh, it's Ari Matty! Unbelievable. Rob, is there anything else you'd like to say? Unbelievable first appearance on the show. It's an honor to be here, honestly. Austin, they said it's the best audiences in the world, and I get it. You guys are the best. Thank you. You are the man, Rob Schneider. I love him, man. This is, by the way, a fun fact. This very rarely happens, because I've worked with and met almost everybody, but this is the first time I've ever worked with Rob Schneider in any way, and my God. It's an honor to be here. I love you. I'm just fucking whatever this is. Unbelievable. If you want us, I know you can't do it during the show, but Matt Mueling and I have been on tour singing together, and we can put a song together if you want. Yeah. Play us out. Play us out. Playing us out tonight. Guest of the year 2025, nominee Rob Schneider. Thank you to Talkspace, Prize Fix, and Togovis. Thank you to this audience. Red Band. Love you guys. One, two, one, two, three. Maybe a little sister. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You can