[Tavern Tales] Infinights Interns and the Rules of Chaos

Welcome to Inside the Art House, the go-to destination for cinephiles and the number one place for art house cinema and filmmaker conversations. Each week, today's most visionary filmmakers pull back their curtain on the art of cinema, sharing how stories are made and why they matter. Hosted by Greg Lemley of the legendary Lemley Theaters, a family that shaped the movie business for over a century, and Raphael Sparge, actor and award-winning director. Together, they explore the creative process, the struggles, and the triumphs behind the camera, and the bold ideas shaping film today. From indie debuts, documentaries, to international art house cinema, Inside the Art House dives deep into a world where passion meets craft and where the love of film lives loud. Inside the Art House, conversations with today's most visionary filmmakers. Listen or watch wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the Stinky Dragon. This week's special is a Wild Magic Mystery Mug made of one part mimic muddle, whatever was left of last week's special, liquid time with crush time, some confidence, a dash of regret, and an ounce of arcane backwash from miscast spells. One sip of this curious concoction could literally do anything. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. Maybe it's just delicious. This week, we're returning to our friends, the Infinite Interns, for a little side story you might not have heard before. It takes place in the middle of their adventure back when they weren't real heroes yet. But boy, were they trying to be. Shoot. I've got to go deal with some unruly goblins, so I'll let the bar back take it from here. Hello and welcome to a very special Tavern Tale, written and hosted by me, Chris Stiamaris, as part of StinkyWary, our month-long celebration to thank our patrons for supporting Tales from Stinky Dragon, and to show off all the fun, ridiculous stuff you can unlock by signing up at StinkyDragonPod.com. We've got more Tavern Tales like this one, bonus podcasts, gameplays, an ad-free feed, and a whole horde of other goodies waiting for you. In fact, This story was made with the direct help of the Stinky community. During an intimate hangout with our Super Stinkers, I pitched the idea for the story and workshopped it live with supporters. Then, we took the collaboration even further by crowdsourcing a Wild Magic Chaos table by taking suggestions from both paid and free members at StinkyDragonPod.com. By the way, did you know you can get access to a lot of cool stuff just for signing up for a free account? Hmm, think about it. Finally, this story was recorded live during our StinkyWary kickoff stream. And every time someone joined or upgraded their membership at StinkyDragonPod.com, we rolled on that chaos table and immediately forced the players to deal with the consequences. Now, this version that you're listening to has been edited down to remove all the livestream banter, but the effects of that chaos echo throughout the entire tale. So, whenever something absolutely wild happens to the players, just know that's the direct result of support from stinkers like you. So, without further ado, get ready to enjoy The Infinite Interns and the Rules of Chaos. It's night. We're inside a cluttered room lit by the flicker of half-melted candles. The air smells of old books, ink, and fear. At a pockmarked desk sits an elderly woman. Her back is hunched, her breasts shallow. She's desperately trying to write a letter, but her hands wriggle unnaturally. Tiny feathers fly everywhere, accompanied by a cacophony of high-pitched honks, because three of her fingers are ducks. Whoa. Small, angry ducks that chaotically peck at the ink pot and snap at her quill. Despite this unusual handicap, she scribbles onto the paper. Infinites, you protect and keep order in Phaser. Honk, honk, honk. We need you in the village of Kethmar. Honk, honk. An evil plagues our town. It threatens our very existence. Please help us. She rushes her note to a nearby carrier pigeon cage, and despite her finger ducks actively fighting the rival bird, manages to attach her note. There's a hum of magical energy. She looks up, afraid. As it grows louder and louder, rattling shells, knocking over candles, She grabs the pigeon cage and lifts toward an open window. She has a bad leg. She's slow, and the ducks aren't helping either. There's a crackle of magical tension. She knows she doesn't have much time, but she's almost there. She reaches the window just as the room explodes in violent colors as reality folds in on itself. She screams. Thank you, Blaine. Thank you, Blaine. What does fear smell like, Chris? Sweat. I was going to say urine, but okay, I'll take sweat. It could be. A little bit of both? The sun shines down as four travelers come to a halt on a long, winding road. A halfling wipes sweat from his brow and pulls a folded letter from the pocket. Smells like fear. The edges are singed, the ink is smudged, and there's a small feather stuck in the wax seal. The halfling glances from the letter to a stone monument before him, the village of Kethmark. It's not the heroes requested, it's the ones who showed up. It's the infinite interns, Bart, Mud, Kyborg, and Gum-Gum. And ahead of them lies a quiet village, suspiciously quiet. Too quiet. As you enter Kethmark, a large wooden sign is the first sign that something isn't right. I see what you did there. Yeah. Town rules. No loitering in groups larger than three. Unscheduled events are prohibited. Citizens must report unusual behavior, speech, or beliefs. Curfew begins at sundown and no outsiders. The problem is that instead of paint, the text is written in wriggling worms. And where one might expect a wooden post to hold up the sign, there's instead a giant hairy leg. What? As you continue into town, a territorial cat barks from a porch. In response, a dog hisses before retreating up a tree. There are oddities everywhere. Strange colors, hair where it shouldn't be, parts where they shouldn't be, and sounds where they shouldn't be. Besides that, the city of Kefmark is meticulously ordered and well-maintained with buildings of stone and timber, inhabited by seemingly no one. The windows are closed, the shops are locked, and the town square is devoid of town people. On one side of the square, there's a sheriff's station, guardhouse, and prison. On the opposite, an arts district with a library, tavern, and boarded-up pavilion and stage. I should probably take notes, but in the spirit of Kyborg, I refuse. Nah. overlooking it all as a large stone key. Being a rules follower, Mud would immediately turn into a camel so that we're not a group of larger than three people. And to continue role-playing, I will treat Mud as a camel and be really mean to it. Why are you mean to camels? Because we gotta act the part. These people think that you're our camel. Yeah, but who's mean to their camel? I guess Kyborg. Camel jockeys, I guess. I don't know, like dudes that drive camels. I guess I want to see what Kyborg thinks animal cruelty is in a moment, but right now... Suddenly, there's a hum of tension in the air before a blast of magical energy surrounds you. It seems your party is susceptible to the same wild magic chaos that it inflicts this village. Bart, to the others, you look the exact same. But now you believe that you're a vampire. Oh my gosh, I have no experience with this whatsoever. Barb's brain is breaking between the two voices that are now feuding for this character. Hello, it is me, Bartholomew Finn. I am now a vampire. What's wrong? I don't know, Gum-Gum. I have all of a sudden this lust for blood, more so than usual. That happens sometimes when I rage. but I try not to drink any. Also, do my teeth look kind of pointy at all to you? I don't know. They kind of look just like teeth, but sometimes teeth are pointy. You've got some spinach stuck in there, Bart. Bat. Bat. Bat. Your name is Bart. Your name is Bart. You're missing the R. Bart. Bad camel! This camel is going to kick you if you touch this camel, just letting you know. I'll stab that camel. This camel will unleash every spell slot on you if you fight me. So what are we supposed to do here? So we got a letter. Vampire Bart got a letter that had tiny feathers. Have we read the letter yet? Yes. You've all read the letter. That's why you are here. Okay. Smells like fear. It does smell like fear. And it had a little feather on it right from the duck fingers. It feels like if we were to enter this town, the easiest thing to head towards directly would be the stone keep. Yeah, go ahead and do a perception check. Okay. I can do a perception check. Also, are you DMing and playing? Yes. Well, I'm an NPC. Okay. Okay. I was like, are we leaving Gum Gum here conveniently with the three-player max? Should I kill Gum Gum? Do I stab Gum Gum? No! 26, perception check. 15, perception check. Okay. You see a pretty clear path up towards that keep, and on the way you notice a dwarf between you and the keep, who appears to have a donut for a head, lowering a bucket into a well. When the dwarf talks, is the hole the mouth? Absolutely. Well, you don't know yet, but yes. Okay. When you notice you, he quickly lowers his sprinkled head to avoid your gaze and hide his glaze. Hello. Hello. he's a donut head okay things are weird don't call him a donut head that might be offensive in this part of the country you actually might be right hello I'm just I'm just getting my water here how you doing I would be sure to keep through the town as quickly as possible okay speaking of the town things do not look normal I actually do want to kick Kyborg can I kick Kyborg That is, I find very offensive. I cannot help. My face looks the way it does and I can't help it. And I tell you, I've been trying to find a cure, but there just ain't nothing. Chris always defaults to that one guy. What's that old Hollywood actor that you always do the voice of? Oh, Jimmy Stewart. I can do it. Okay, yeah, we'll just make him full on Jimmy. Oh, I don't know about that. Yeah, there he is. So what's going on in your town, Donut Man? Oh, my name's Namor. Namor. Namor Haddle, all right? Well, we reckon we've been cursed. Oh. Cursed. Yeah. There's a lot of, I don't know what it is. Some say it's an evil sorcerer, but I just don't know. Is it like a curse that all the townspeople are, like, they have donuts for heads? I wish, because then I'd fit in a little better. It's just stuff happens and we don't know why or how or when or what. Did you recently have like a new person come into town? Yeah. Well, you guys. Well, I mean, you seem to have the curse before we even showed up. That's true. That's true. And as if on cue, the magical chaos haunting the village erupts once again. Now, Mud, you feel strangely compelled to include a meow every time you speak. Mud turns into a cat. Oh, that works. That works. Easy way. Oh, I'm sorry. It looks like the magic, the curse has turned your camel into a cat. How recently did things change here? It started getting weird. It's been gradual. I don't know how long. It's six months, five months. It's hard to know. It's just gotten worse and worse. I see. Meow. Who lives in that? Oh! Okay, I'm a cat. I made a cat sound. You can calm down. I'm a talking cat. I was talking camel a second ago. You weren't freaked out by the camel? You weren't freaked out by the camel. And you're a talking donut. Can we get past all the weirdness, okay? You're saying out front with being held up by a leg, right? So you got a stone keep over there. Who lives in that? Oh, that's the... that's the Max's tower. There's the elders. They help keep track of the town and keep us safe and run everything. Yeah. Can I get a perception check from you guys? For all of us? Yeah. Anytime. Ooh. 12. I love Bart. That is a 23. He's so perceptive with his little eyes. I love Kyborg. He's so perceptive. That's a five. Bart, with that roll, you see four city guards marching in stiff formation, armor-polished, expressions tense as they straighten signs and check for oddities. One of them wields an umbrella instead of a spear, and they don't see you yet. I mean, uh... Guys, I don't want to alert anybody, but there are four guards just over yonder. Now, are those guards parts of your community? Do they work for the elders? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the city watch. I better be going. I don't want to cost no trouble. And Namor rushes back into his modest dwelling and you hear the door shut and a clank of the lock. Did you guys know that guy was the first mutant ever? That's really kind of cool. Oh, really? What does that mean? You didn't say meow. Meow. So the city watch is getting closer and closer. Are y'all doing anything? I say we just go up and talk to them. I mean, I guess. I mean, I guess because we could probably help them. Worst thing comes to worst is they take us into custody and we get to see who's in charge. I don't know. I just regret that I didn't target practice with Namor. I could have shot an arrow straight through his head and it wouldn't have killed him. Well, his mouth, technically. I mean, we could find out about his biology if we get back out here. So much to learn from his confectionary body. Whoosh. Suddenly, the wild magic erupts again, this time affecting Kyborg, who suddenly develops an insatiable itch that's incredibly distracting. Okay, Kyborg drops to the ground and starts scooting his butt. And about this time, y'all have delayed enough where the guards notice you. Meowdy, partner. They rush towards you, spears and umbrella drawn. Well, hello, gentlemen. Mighty fine day, isn't it? What is this? Some kind of party? We said no unscheduled events, no loitering in groups. Well, let's see here. One, two, three. Well, there were four. There's only, okay. you're a good three of you in this cat. Following that rule, yeah. Wait, who's that cat just talked? He just said meow. Yeah, that's just a cool little trick. We like to throw our voice and our cat looks like it's talking. Yes, we're but traveling ventriloquists. Yes. Okay. Watch him do it now. Now, how did your town become so a bit chaotic as it is? Did someone build this town on maybe someone's burial ground? The only thing about to be buried is you. If you don't get out of town, we say no strangers. No strangers in this town. Well, that's not good for your economy. Yeah, how do you, like, stay populated? I don't know, I feel like... That's not really your concern. Are you worried about their genetic pool here? We're actually... Well, I can't say anything because I'm supposed to be a cat that's not talking. No, I said that. mud the cat uh paws at kyborg's uh leg to try to get him to come down so mud the cat could tell him something aim for my butt it's so itchy i can't it might just start scratching it's like perfect it's the perfect unison of the two needs if you guys if you gentlemen will hold on i need to practice my ventriloquism with my cat um hey where where the infinite now where the infinite I'm just talking, I'm whispering to you, stop with that mouth Okay Okay, if we're the infinite interns We should use that as clout For the reason why we're supposed to be here So try to intimidate them Into understanding that we're here Like as officials, okay Bart, follow my lead I can also I can command them to let us through Oh, that's way cooler Hey, this is official Infinite business and we have a right to be here as local law enforcement. Just listen to my friend Bart here. First of all, we're local law enforcement. We're bigger than you. It's federal versus state, okay? Yeah. Could Bart cast command? How does that work? So it's technically just supposed to be a one-word command to a creature you could see within range. the target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or follow the command to its next turn. Wisdom saving throw, the DC on that is 14. Wisdom, 14. And I think he would go, chill. Well, I rolled a 15, so. Dang it! I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing chill about here. Y'all got to get out of here unless you got a reason to be here. Well, we got a letter. So someone summoned us to help out because things are... Zany! A letter? Let's see this letter. Yes. I'm going to reach for the letter. I don't want you to bite my wrist, okay, Bart? Bart hands it to Kyborg. Okay. Why would I want to bite your succulent, juicy wrist full of all that pumping blood? Okay, Bart, that's enough of that. This letter! Now show him the letter. I'm going to get to that letter, but also, real quick, a burst of magic. and fart. You now must speak in caveman. Ooh. Okay. But you no longer think you're a vampire, so. Okay. Town guard, he looks over the ladder, and he's like, huh. Well, this is on Namax's stationary. Yeah, we were called here. We're not just goofing around. We don't mean to cause a ruckus. Oh. We're here to help, bro. I don't know why the elders need a team of intriloquists, but that's above my pay grade. Come with me. Okay. All right. Bart, anything to say about that? No. Me no have anything to say. Well, why don't you just chill? Okay. Chill, me will. Trying to do Bart voice with this. Complicated. You sound like you've been hanging out with Gum-Gum for too long, Bart. I don't know. I don't think there's ever too long to hang out with me. It's just the perfect round of time, no matter how long it is. So let's have you all go with them to the tower. Yes. Yes. You four are herded through the gates of the big tower and into a vast stone chamber that feels uneasily split between a church, a courtroom and a throne room. It's solemn, it's judgmental and it's reverent all at once on the walls, tapestries. are hung with the stark symbol of a perfect square. And though some of the walls, the tapestries are used to kind of cover up weird anomalies and magical chaos, like they're trying to hide it. Mud jumps on the nearest one and starts scratching it. Get your dang head off him! Meow! Meow! Gosh dang it! I go up too high, they can't get me. Where's my bone arrow? Kyborg is flossing with one of the tapestries. just rubbing it through every crack you could that is a holy symbol for our town you get that i'm using it on my holy symbol as you do this several men and women in gray robes look up from a wooden table deeply concerned at what they're seeing. And I say several men and women. One of them does have the head of a puppy. Hey, no, mine too, friends. Not feel good. This is our spokesperson, Bart. He's our front man. Take it away, Bart. Tell him why we're here, bud. We here to help you. Is K-Man just speaking in one syllable? Monosyllabic. We here to help you Town folk Doing good, doing good Are you guys the elders? Well, yes we are And I'm confused as to who you are Is that the puppy talking? No, this is just It seems to be the leader I'm Elder Uzair Now, who are you? I got something Mud on the tapestry Does a backflip off the tapestry and mid-backflip transforms into fear bulb mud to then land in front of the elder to present our party. Dude athletics. 17. What an amazing display of stupidity. Now, why are you here? You're very judgmental for being the elders of some sort of town. We're here to help you, okay? We got the Ladder of Distress. we're official infinite interns and we are here to help your town get through this chaotic you got a puppy at your table it's not supposed to be here trust us we know what we're doing and then i do a double backflip do athletics okay yeah 11 uh so you know what you doing The first bat flip goes really well The second one crashes into one of the elders. What are you doing? Pay no mind to, friend. He a lit a bit. Mud just takes his hand, puts it on Bart, and just, like, starts pushing Bart back. Help me, please. I'm here to deliver your letter. That's why I crashed into them intentionally. Yes. I give them the letter. We got this in the mail. Uzair studies it. Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize. Yeah. We're expecting the infinites, not this. But, yes, I appreciate you coming. Our leader, Elder Miriam, she wrote this letter, but he looks upset. Did she die? No, she's not well at the moment. Oh, that's better than dead. Yes. What happened? This curse has not been kind to her. What food is her head? This is not food, but listen, she prefers not to be in public or speak of her until she can recover, but this curse is... We need your help. Any aid or counsel I can give in her stead, let me know. Meow, in your recent past, did you guys, like, I don't know, like, upset an old lady out in the forest? You, like, stepped on her special flowers or you killed her cat or something? Did you guys make a no-no with someone with some voodoo out in the forest? Well, I have our suspicions. We believe that this curse is the work of a tabaxi named Twin. What is tabaxi? Too many syllables. Take it again. What is tabaxi? Ooga booga. Another burst of magic. I think it's John's turn. John, your butt switches place with your face. Oh, my God. Mud. You look exactly the same. Oh, got him! Mud kisses Kyborg. Now that's what I call a stinky dragon! Oh, disgusting. No, we suspect there's this tabaxi named Twin. His name is Twin? Twin, T-U-E-N. What is a tabaxi, just out of curiosity? I think it's like a sauce that you put to make things spicy. Wacky Tabasco. What is that you speak of? Tabaxi. It's a common race of cats, people, large humanoid cats. And he calms down the puppy-headed elder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no need to get excited. Oh, furries. Yes. but uh did the elder who's a dog react to mud as a cat at all yeah he probably would have but he didn't until now now he's sniffing his face um although yeah i don't know if mud is now mud with butt face or if it's cat mud with butt i turned into mud with a butt face now mud's face is where his butt is and mud's butt is where his face was twin this tabaxi uh-huh they moved to kethmark 10, 11 years ago. They're a vagabond, a vagrant. They would never be allowed today. They had no real job or trade. Just working when they pleased them, peddling trinkets or doodles in the market, begging, just worthless. But not everyone saw this tabaxi for what they were. Some heard his ramblings and mistook them for wisdom. Doted on his every word. viewed him as some sort of prophet. Are we talking to Twin right now? No. Okay. It sounded like someone they were going to make part of their official elders at that point. Twin would never be allowed on the council. Okay, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. They started a cult. Dozens and dozens would gather every night just to listen to him speak and their rituals and chants. Twin had them brainwashed, preaching anarchy and lawlessness. And we always suspected that there was magics at play that Twins' spell over his followers was exactly that, just a spell. Twins sounds kind of cool. I don't know. I like him. That's what they would say. He sounds cool. That's when it started. The curse. This chaos. Because the Church of Twins started? Yeah. Yeah. So he's been here for like 10 or 11 years. But it only became more popular in the last six months, year. Okay. Mud turns to his compatriots and says, hey, come down here. What's up, butthead? I think we need to get information on the twin side of things, so maybe we go find where the twin charge is. Good idea. Good note, Mud. Here, I'll translate what Bart just said. Good idea, Mud. Um, me, uh, Sir Elder, what's your name? I don't know at this point. Um, where is the cult of Twin? Wait, do they hold congregations somewhere nearby? Oh, it was in the arts district, but it's been shut down. Most of the people who live there have been arrested, put in jail. So? So, if you're looking to speak to them, I suppose we could escort you to the prison. Wait, I'm confused. Is Twin in the prison? Yeah. Or are just some of his followers in the prison? He was. Oh, but he escaped. We don't know where he is. Oh. He was in the prison, and he's escaped. He's a dangerous, powerful sorcerer. We find for you for cash? Speaking in one syllable. You're doing swimmingly, Jimmy. You're doing so well. I'm impressed. All right, so then I think our next place of questioning would be the prison. Could you please take us there or point us in that direction? What the butt said. What does the butt say? We'll have to escort you to the prison. And then in that moment, there's a giant hum of energy and boom, you're blinded by magical colors. Okay. As the glow dissipates, a bizarre creature emerges, a platypodamus. And a natural fusion of platypus hide and the hulking body of a hippopotamus and the towering antlers of a moose. The creature is dripping with arcane energy as its powerful duckbill gives a confused haunt roar. And then its mismatched eyes dart wildly as if searching for something before it charges forward in a ground-shaking sprint right towards Elder Husser. I want to take a shot with my longer bow of crystallina. It might. Well, okay. I mean, it's made its intentions clear. It's an animal. I feel for it. Well, you have a butt for a head So what do you... How about this? Do y'all want to roll for initiative? Sure 17 I rolled an 8 9 for mud 14 for gum gum I'm still here, don't forget about me Don't worry, we will Alright, Kyborg You're up first What do you do? I use my longer bow of crystallina Shoot, shoot her Shoot her That's a 22. All right, that's going to hit. You nail the platypodamus right in the butt as it's racing away, and it quacks angrily. Nine points of damage, by the way. I also had two attacks per action. You have another attack? Yes, one more. I'll take another shot with the longer bow. Go for it. Take the shot. 16. Yes, it hits. Okay, that's 12 points, so 21 points total of damage. All right, and now Gum-Gum rages, and in a blast of wild magic, he is surrounded by multicolored protective lights and gains plus one bonus to AC. And while within 10 feet of you, your allies gain the same bonus. Gum-Gum's going to run with this defensive bonus, run and put himself between him and the platypata moose. Leave! Leave the old man alone! and then just kind of ready from there. And that puts the platypoda moose up next. The platypoda moose is seeing someone jump in front of him. He's startled and turns and charges the opposite direction. Let's see. That would be right towards Kyborg. I mean, he did just shoot at him. Yeah. And he's going to roll real quick for him. Kyborg, you're getting attacked by a platypoda moose. No, I'm not. I'm going to beat it. He can't beat me. That's a 22. Oh, God. I'll allow it. And that's eight points of damage. So he just spears you with his antlers. And then also he has this thing called Savage Assault. So once per turn, he adds its level and extra damage to attack. So it's going to be 13 points of damage. so an additional 13 or 13 total okay okay i'm making the same noise but it's because the wind is knocked out of me that probably helped your itching though my butt oh yeah yeah yeah i use his antler to like all right and then that would put the turn at mud hmm mud would does mud have at this point I think I do have I can talk to animals yeah speech of beast and leaf alright mud goes up to the platypodamus and goes dear creature sir but mud has to be turned around because mud's butt is on his head is on his butt you don't have to be fighting these people we can understand it's a bit chaotic right now and you might be a little confused I am your friend look at me I'm confused as well We can help you Down boy You just a butt It speaks It speaks I used to have my face where my butt is But now things are all weird I can understand Lashing out in confusion And this guy over here this elder Yeah he's kind of a tool We've only known him for like 30 seconds But I already don't like his vibes I just want to get out of here I'm afraid. Oh, God. With your magic shoes? I'm afraid. They called hooves. Yeah, well, hey, you follow me, and I'll take you out of here. And we're going to, and then, hey, this is a mud promise. We're going to figure out what's, you probably didn't look like this all the time, right? No, I've always looked like this. And you're gorgeous. But I wasn't here until just a moment ago. Okay, well, we'll get you back to your mom and get you some chocolates, okay? Sorry for shooting you. I didn't realize you were a sentient person being... He can't understand you. Okay, so I'm the one who can talk to you. I turn to my group and I say, What's your name, Platypottomus? So I make sure I'm using the right title. Do you have a name? My name is just Small World. All right, team, this is Small World, and they're just as confused as everybody else, okay? They didn't mean to come here and be in this party, so we're going to escort them out, and we're going to de-escalate the situation. Got it. Mom, did you also pull the arrows out of my behind? Kaipur, could you please retrieve your arrows? Um, yeah, sure. Okay, fine. I was going to say what's in it for me, but he's helping us, I guess. You're supposed to be a hero. Bart, tell him. You're hero. Wow, Bart, I'm so sorry. Those words really struck deep. I'm going to pull those arrows out for Bart. Yes, deep. Mud, you're able to usher this frightened flattapodabos out, and it just thanks you. I give up, Mud. and then runs off out of town into the woods. Okay. There you go. Thicktown guard and Elder Uzair, I'd like to thank you for ridding us of that wild animal. Do you want an escort to the prison? Honestly, I don't want an escort. I'd like you just to tell me where to go. No offense, but you've got bad vibes. Yeah. Well, I wasn't going to escort you myself, to be clear. That's fantastic. Who was? Oh, my deputy, Sergeant Murat. I'm over here. You remember me? Definitely can't have an escort. I'm sorry. You're good. It's over here? It's this direction? Got it. Got it. We'll be back when we've got everything fixed. Thank you, Council Elders. Namaste, namaste. And he writes you a note that approves your entry into the prison to inspect and interview prisoners. Does he kiss the note? Kiss it. Yeah, seal it with a kiss. So they know it's from him. XOXO, council elder. He doesn't kiss it. Sorry, in our land, it's customary that when you hand over a letter, you have to kiss it with red lipstick. Well, thankfully, we're not in your lane. Well, but if we're here to save you, you need to abide by our traditions and customs. Please, I insist, kiss that letter for us, sir. Mud just crosses his arms and like nudges Bart to join him just to look intimidating. They're very offended. You must do this. You simply must. Roll for persuasion. Yeah. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Do it. I dare you. I rolled a six, but I'm going to roll it. I'm going to use a lucky. When did you get lucky as a feat? Probably a five. Dang it. That's a two. I'm going to roll it again. That's a zero. Oh my God. I got one more lucky left after this. Okay. That's a two. I'm going to use my last one. Hold on. Oh, my God. Persuasion and just for a kiss. 16. Kiss it. He looks at it. I'm not kissing you for your pleasure. But I'm very persuasive. Is he holding it out? Yeah, he's holding it out. I go and I just push it up to his face. Punch him with the letter. There. Was that so hard? Just get to the prison, please. I'm not trying to be ungrateful. We appreciate your help. It's just, it's a very stressful time. I apologize if I've been rude. You have been very rude. But we will save your city. It's fine. I take the letter. Okay, we're going to the prison. Going to the prison. Is this the first time we've gone to a prison not as prisoners? Guys, are we, what is this? What's happening here? No, we technically went to the Pius Pass one before we were prisoners. But we were also prisoners there. Yeah, but the night is young. You never know. So, using the pass that you were given, you step from the town square through a thick iron-branded wooden door. Okay. The prison is clean to the point of discomfort. Stone floor, scrub, pale, and walls and irons polished. Three prisoners sit in three cells. There's one empty one. Cell one and two on the left. Cell three and four on the right. and it looks like there are prisoners in cells one, two, and three. Do we recognize any of them? No. Why? Glad we've known prisoners, you know. No, no. The one that's closest to you, I guess, would be cell one and... Well, we don't want to go to that one. Okay. All right. Which one do you want to go to? No. I think we want to go to cell four, right? Okay. The empty one? Yeah. That one seems suspicious. There's an invisible person in there? You know, we're in a prison and there's just one cell that's empty. We should check that out first. Okay. You fart. Maybe all them are law-abiding citizens. Oh, no. That's not caveman talk. How do you say? Maybe everyone here just follows the law, guys. That's what I'm saying. That's me, Barbara. All right. So what's in cell four? Okay. So you walk over to cell four and it's open and empty. Do you want to do an investigation check? Yes. I think I would like to investigate. Yeah. We send in our smart guy, our data. Okay. I'm going. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Go check out outside so that you don't have to talk again for a while. Okay. I just feel like everyone's trying to kiss your butt. Go outside. Okay. Bart, do your thing. I'm luck now. There you go. Yeah, that sounds caveman. Wow. One and three. Two. Oh. Together. Thirteen. Okay. Oh, okay. I thought you rolled a one and a three. Thirteen is just two syllables. I can't say it. I got you. I got you. Okay. You search the cell, and it's empty. It looks like it's been cleaned since whoever was last in it. The one thing you do notice, something that wasn't able to be cleaned, was a carving in the stone on the wall, which was twin was here. Oh. I think twin was here. Very good. Yeah, yeah. Is there like a latrine of any sort in this jail? Like a toilet? Kyborg, I told you you should have gone before we left. Yes, there is one. I'd love to see Mud use it. He just leans over on all fours. I can't tell if he's throwing up or pooping. Gross. Also, Kyborg, to get here, drug his butt the entirety of the way. Is he still itchy? Yeah, he's itchy. you're a caveman and i'm a butt face i mean we should keep that one that's a permanent feature in my mind what happens if i turn into an animal i think you would keep animal butt and still have animal face okay so yeah what do you do now you search the toilet oh yeah no is there any lingering uh things i don't know like did he leave any clues or anything there's nothing it's It's D like it's been cleaned, ready for the next prisoner. Oh, you did mention that it was a super clean prison. Okay. Well, then, guys, should we go question Prisoner 3? And, I mean, I feel it in my heart of hearts, but I feel like Bart has to lead the interrogation. Yes. My butt's too itchy. Mud's butt is his face. Yes. Gum-gum is gum-gum. Bart's our best communicator, right, Bart? Ready? No. Put me in, coach. There you go. Let's go. You find an elderly human male who's just kind of sitting there on his cot. Take it away, Bart. Hi, I'm Bart. Who are you? When one door closes, another opens. When one door closes, another opens. When one door closes, another opens. When one door closes, another opens. Very cool. When one door closes, another opens. Yes. What does that mean? When one door closes, another opens. So, prisoner number two, then? Can you hear me? When one door closes, another opens. Hey, guys. Yeah? Try open other door. I open cell four and then close it. and then I just start just closing and opening yeah okay when you close when you shut the door are you in it or out of it out of it I know better I'm not a butthead not like mud here okay when you close it it just closes and then the the elderly human male's like oh when one door closes another opens and points to uh the kind of the space between like the the bars but there's nothing there. It's just pointing to the bars. Okay. I'll go into the cell and then close it. Okay. When you close it this time, you see materialize a very ornate wooden door in between the cells. Like between three and four? Yeah. And the elderly goes, one door closes another opens and then nods. Okay. Open the wooden door. Okay, I got this. I shoot the wooden door. Do you know what? The prisoner in cell two sees what y'all are doing and kind of yells like, You're not supposed to do that. That's against the rules. Is that a little boy? No, it's a female gnome. Oh, okay. What's against the rules? Oh, you're not supposed to leave. We're in prison. We're not supposed to leave. We're in prison. Yeah, but this guy's chanting about doors closing and opening. Yeah, well, I just know we gotta follow the rules. We gotta follow the rules They're just kind of like Their eyes are unfocused Their voice is kind of flat They just don seem like they all there We just gotta follow the rules Gotta follow the rules gotta follow the rules Okay Cowboy opens the door Before you can open the door there a burst of magical energy And Bart has lobster claws for hands. Whoa, cool! You speak normal again. Oh my god, guys, I have so much to tell you. I've been just keeping all this in for the longest time. It feels so good to say multiple syllable words. I'm free. Give us a good one. Multi-multi-syllable. Go on. Well, I once heard this word that was called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is simply quite atrocious. Also, check this out. Wow, that's amazing. It's like those dancers who make noise with their hands, but you don't have to do it. All right, Gum-Gum, give me a little jig. Gum-Gum, I told you to go outside. Go outside. Okay. Okay, you're supposed to be keeping watch. Okay I'm gonna open the door But I do it by itching my butt against it So Kaiborgi, open that door And you see something that they don't You see a long hallway But the others from outside the cells don't see anything What if I went into the hallway? You disappear Okay, look what I can do Jump back in and out, jump back in and out Kai Bark, what you looking at? I see a hallway, but not in like the crazy way that these guys are like saying nonsense. There's actually like a hallway in front of this door that just appeared by closing that door. I betcha that's where Twain went. Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. Mud wants to go over and talk to cell number two, if that's okay. Yeah. Hi. My name's Bill. Hi. So were you part of Twins' little special group of people? Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. I was a very close friend with Twins. But not anymore. Now I... Not anymore. Hey, it's a safe place. I'm a safe person. Why are you acting like this way? What happened? Who hurt you? Everything's great. I'm having a great time. Hey, sorry to interrupt here. this emotional little situation you got going on. I hear there's a little conversation going here. You sound a little emotional, buddy. Do you want to hold my hand? It's okay. She reaches out to hold your hand. Oh, sorry. Here, why don't you just hold around my hand? I won't hold your hand. Sorry. Everything's just... We're just trying to get things back to normal. Yeah. And everything's just, it's gotten out of control. And Twin, he just made everything go nonsense. And we're just trying to get things to normal. And I just want to go back to normal. Okay, okay, okay. I hear you, I hear you. Well, you know, step one in getting things back to normal is maybe something, you know, we help you, you help us type situation here. We're looking for a guy named Twin. I know he's a lobster, but he's talking about Squid Perk Quote. Dang it! No, it was Squid Perk Quote. You've been quiet this entire time. Bart's trying to have a conversation here Squid pro crawl Wow that's hard to say We talk for a living Are you done consoling this person with your mutated hands? I was saying that if they help us find this twin person That's our next step I don't know I think twin disappeared I don't know where they went They were in that cell Since you seem to be someone who's been here this whole time With this weird twin stuff happening have you seen the chaotic stuff that's happening around I mean look at my friend's hand here that's not how he came into the village he had beautiful hands had a future in hand modeling this here halfling so have you been here since all that started oh yeah it's gotten really bad it's even happening here at the prison that's where we just needed to stop did twin start it or is that did they blame him You can blink with a yes. What? A twin started it. Twin started it. Oh, okay. That's why I'm in trouble. I don't know why, but the whispering way you talk is making me uncomfortable, so I'm going to go talk to Cell 1. Yeah, hey, it's Kyborg here, Cell 4. I really hate that guy's voice. I'm just kidding. If these bars weren't in the way, five arrows in his eyes, I promise you. So you go to Cell 1? Yeah. In Cell 1, you find an elf who's sitting on his cot and playing an invisible lute, humming softly. Oh, fellow man of music, if I do say so myself. What instrument you got there, buddy? He seems not to even hear you. He's just kind of like in a trance, just playing music. Bart, Bart, do you have your lute? I do have my loot mud but I might be a little challenged in playing basically what you've got is you've got a capo for one hand and you've got a pick for the other hand so you're set Bart pulls out his loot and attempts to at least do some type of chord and strum just snaps the neck off of the loot Elf looks at you and smiles and then goes back to playing. Is it mean if I break his loot? No, why is that your first thought? Give him a loot. Give him a loot. But he's already playing a loot, isn't he? No, he's just humming and strumming something that isn't there. But if you give him something to strum, maybe that completes his loot that he's dealing with. But this is my good loot. Okay, well, don't you have other loots? Do I? I thought you had a bunch of instruments. I'll give him my pan flute. Okay. He's strumming. Well, first of all, in a burst of magical energy, a cloud of magic around mud, suddenly mud finds itself unable to finish speaking unless you end your sentence with over, like you're on a radio. So you have to talk like you're on a radio. I can do that over. Meow. So you hand him this flute, and then it holds the flute in one hand and then continues to strum like it's a lute. Hey, Mud, what are those triangle pastries that sometimes have apples in them? I know what you're doing. Turn over, over. Got him. Anyway, so pretty nice pan flute you got there, huh? You're incorrigible. Just hand over the lute. You'll get it back, I promise. Okay, fine. Bart hands over his lute to... He immediately breaks it over his leg. The elf just starts playing some really beautiful music, but doesn't even seem to realize that it wasn't before. Wow. a nice isn't it such a nice gesture that I gave you that to play temporarily only for a moment that you'll keep in pristine condition until you give it right back to me immediately they're just playing this instrument they still don't really even okay Borg grabs it back and puts it away yeah looks at you and goes and gets back to playing I hate all three of these guys I'm so glad they're in prison yeah I actually agree with you K-Borg I'd like to leave. Let's go through the tunnel door. I don't care to talk to any more of these people. All right, so you open this tunnel door. Is it a secret? Secret tunnel! You discover a long hallway. At the end of the narrow walkway, you find another door, this one with a warning sign. It's time to raise the stakes. I am quite hungry. And then in that, there's a magical burst of energy. Kyborg. Yeah, my butt. Imprint on the next NPC like a baby duckling does to their mom. Or like a werewolf does to a weird vampire baby. Okay. Do you guys want to go through that door? Are there any other doors other than the stake door? No. Guys, I think I'm going to open this door. Just do it. Yeah, just do it. Want to do it together? Over. Yeah. Over what? Over what? Over, over. You open the door and there's a burst of magic and a large piece of meat materializes in front of you, Kaiborg, and slaps you in the face. Is it sentient meat? No. I need you to describe what kind of meat this is because you're just being very generic. It's a steak. Thank you. Guys, I will say, is this a meat cute? So, yeah, you take a... Oh my god, Gumbo jumps out of my bag and lunges at the steak and starts eating it rapidously. Okay. It's just a steak on the ground. Oh, I thought it was like a giant thing that was slapping Kyborg. No, it's just a steak slapped him and then fell to the ground. Does Gumbo count as the NPC? Yes. Oh. Okay, then I start tearing up and I go, I haven't had a mom in so long. and then i i nestle up to gumbo guys you know a steak pun is a medium very rarely well done i think we're in the part of the adventure where i still am questioning why i'm with these guys i haven't quite fallen in love with them as like lifelong partners in adventure over sorry i'll Zap, zap, zap, zap. That's okay. Now that I can say everything I want to say, I just got verbal diarrhea, you know? All right, so you open this door after being slapped by the stake. Is that all that warning sign was for, was just for an opportunity for you to throw a T-bone at one of us? Well, it might come back. You don't know. I hope it does. I honestly don't care if it does. I don't. If you take too long, the stakes might get raised. again. Everybody, don't move. I want to see what happens. Alright, you sit there and you wait for a second. All of a sudden another steak appears and slaps Mud in the face. In the butt. Another T-bone? I'm not a butt face anymore, remember? Over. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it slaps you and you take 1d6 bludgeoning. 1d6 bludgeoning? Yeah, I took a 1. You rolled, you got a 1 and then Mud got a 3. Did y'all go through the door? Yes, but I cry gently into Gumbo's fur. I look down and Gumbo is thoroughly confused. Alright, so the door opens and beyond it is a warmly lit carpeted dining room. A buffet table overflows with food. Steam rises invitingly. At the front of the room hangs a sign. Please help yourself. No shoes on the carpet. No yelling. No elbows on the table. Help yourself. Bart takes off his shoes. Kyborg will also take off his shoes. Okay. What have we got here? You have a buffet table. Well, if I know anything about mysterious magical food in an empty room, we should just eat everything possible, and there will be no repercussions. I look to Gumbo's guidance. Mama! I haven't fed Gumbo today. I'll do whatever Gumbo does. All right. Well, let me see. Here, I'm going to roll a gigi. Is there a little potion that says, drink me? that's going to make us ten times our size. Gumball lunges for the table. Does Gum-Gum, you make Gum-Gum take his shoes off. Oh, Gum-Gum's still with us? Yeah, he's here. Okay. Gum-Gum, take off your shoes. Okay. Oh, God, I catch the smell. Put them back on. You can keep your socks on, though, if you want. Okay, thank you. As he takes his shoes off, it's like the sound when a Coke bottle opens. It's just a release. Yeah, so you take your shoes off and nothing happens. Yeah, I take my shoes off when I walk in. Okay, nothing happens. Well, I laundered the food with Gumbo. Yeah, his mama. His mama's doing it. He's got to do it. Before we eat it, can I just give it a smell? It smells delicious. Anybody want to do like a detect magic kind of situation here? Your friend does that. Oh, hey, Gum Gum. Before we eat, we have to make sure it's not poison. So if you want to just do some like detect magic. Show me the magic. The food isn't magic, but it seems like everything else is. Wait, what do you mean by everything else? Like the chairs and the... Everything is just glowing around here, but the food just looks like good food. Okay. Well, dig in, I guess. Wait, everything is glowing, but the food just looks like good food. So then everything is magic, then, if it's glowing. Except for the food. Except for the food. Oh. Okay. Have you caught up? Over. I'm continuing to eat. All right. Yeah, Mud reaches down with a big old fear bog mitt and just takes a big bunch of food and shoves it in his mouth. It's delicious. It's just good food. Nothing special as far as you can tell. Okay. Mud throws some at Kyborg. I catch it with my mouth athletically. Yeah, you can try. I guess acrobatics? 26 on acrobatics. You jump and catch that food in your mouth like a Sunday night football thing. What was the food? What was the food? You catch the food in your mouth like a Sunday night football thing. What? Chris Damaris. What? Ba-ba-da-ba. I think it's very telling that Barbara and I both had the most confused looks on our faces. Blaine not skipping a beat was just playing with Chris, his friend that he speaks Chris language. Nothing surprises me with Chris. There's a flash of wild magic, and Bart, you take on the appearance and smell of the undead. But you're still alive A steak appears and slaps Bart in the face And does six points of bludgeoning I feel real bad right now You also smell terribly Mud grabs one of the steaks The one that just slapped Bart And then raises it up over his head Raising the steaks, nice Yeah, nothing seems to happen But that's clever I'll give you that. You can take an inspiration. What? You can take an inspiration die for that. I'll take an inspiration die. Thank you. Okay. I was just trying to follow Chris' logic. Okay. And there's a door on the other side, like, to exit this room? No, there's nothing to exit this room. All there is is this buffet table and then the sign and the carpet. The sign says raise the stakes. The sign says please help yourself. No shoes on the carpet. No yelling. No elbows on the table. I'm putting my elbows on the table right now. Oh. John, no. As you put your elbows on the table, a light lights up above a place on the wall. Wait, what? Like a thing. Like a little light pops up on the wall. Like a light source appears on the wall. Yeah, like a little light. Oh. I go and grab my shoes and I put them on my feet and I stomp around on the carpet. And a thing. And then I. My name is Mud. Over. And this is my brunch. Over. La la la la la la la. Alright, thing. Now there's three lit up things on the wall. How many rules were there? Help yourself. How do we not help ourselves? Abstain. Just say, ooh, I'm full. Couldn't possibly. Mud, feed me. Oh, sure. I shove some food into Bart's gob. No, nothing happens. I throw the food at the wall behind me. Nothing happens. Bart, help me. We just burn over the entire table of food. Nothing happens. So you need to do the opposite of helping yourself. So, like, I guess give yourself a disadvantage. Stab yourself. Do it. Yeah, you stab yourself. Stab yourself. My mom said I can't play with sharp things. Right, Gumbo? I pick up Gumbo and I go, stab yourself. Stab yourself, Carver. Whatever you say, I stab myself with an arrowhead. You take three points of damage, but then the fourth thing goes... Yeah! We figured that out all together. The door materializes. So we were supposed to break the rules. Yeah. Thank you for catching up with us, Kaipor. Interesting. And then you enter a new room, a brand new room, and discover a large hall with instruments lining the walls, leading to a stage. Got this one, boys. Excuse me. You crack your fingers and then they all fall off of you undead. could bart walk up to the stage and try picking up an instrument yeah absolutely he picks one up and tries to start playing it what's the instrument uh what's what is there what are the options everything you could imagine i'll tickle some keys all right piano keyboard yeah it sounds awesome and you know you just feel good doing it yeah all right this one goes out to all the ladies out there. There aren't any ladies in the room over. Who are you talking about? Well, surely you know, someone will hear us play and be, you know, maybe come watch us perform. Can I play with you? Where did Gum Gum get here? Sure, Gum Gum. Here, there's a tambourine right here. I think you'll be great at that. Yeah. And then Gum Gum starts playing the tambourine. I told you we should have put a bell around his neck. Here, guys, why don't you join us? Get the band back together, you know? I have to get permission from my mom to participate. I need a signed permission slip. Mud picks up Gumbo and goes, Kyborg, you should play an instrument. Play whatever your heart desires. All right. Time to play the harmonica. Is there a harmonica? Yes. Wow, beautiful. All right, Mud. Get on that lead guitar. Mud grabs a calliope. Okay. The perfect lead guitarist. With the eye thing that makes rainbows? That's a callioscope. Anyway, here's Wonderwall. And so y'all playing? Yeah, on the stage playing a beautiful song. And y'all play just this great music and have a great time. and so well that the room seems to come alive and just light up, and suddenly there's a door that materializes on the roof. You raised the roof. Oh. Stupid. Bart, do you want me to hoist you up to the door? Tell me. Oh, God, I forgot how heavy you are. I also smell really bad right now. Am I touching the bottom of your feet? Just going, oh. Mud, gum gum, why don't you help him? Everyone touch me. What a weird request. Over. Okay. You're kind of stinky. Mud turns into a spider, jumps up to the ceiling, leaving a streak of web for the team to climb up. Smart, smart, smart, smart. Climb my web, Kyborg. Oh, God. But Bart will start climbing up. Okay. Climbing through this door, you stumble and fall out the front door of the prison as you crawl through this door. You're back into the town square right where you started. And something moves. At the center of the square, the air bends inward like reality itself is just breaking and reveals a demon of pure chaos. It's vaguely humanoid, or at least it maybe once was. Now it's only in the loosest sense. Its body is constantly shifting and reassembles from mismatched parts, a deer leg, a chair leg, a fish flipper, and stone parts, loose feathers. They're all just like this amalgamation of everything. And its head cycling through bone, bark, skin, and what was once possibly a humanoid is now the manifestation of pure chaos. And it looks right at you. Roll for initiative. The twin? Twin? Twelve. Seventeen. Nine. Okay, that's going to be Mud, Blaine, Bart, and then... Mud, Blaine, Bart. Oh, God! Where am I? Blaine? Mud, Kyborg, Bart, and then this creature. We lost Gum-Gum. Oh, and me. Gum-Gum is last. All right, Mud, you're up. Oh, we're just fighting this thing. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so Mud will cast... Hmm. Kind of fight this thing that is a pure creature of chaos, and I don't know how to fight it. I cast... Wait, I'm a spider. Yeah. I said that. Okay, dang it. Mud does the thing that spiders do which is bites. He goes up and he bites the creature. Can you roll for attack for that? Yes, I can. 17 plus 4, 21 for hit. Yeah, that's a really good hit. It does connect. But it doesn't seem to impact this thing. Almost like it sees you approach and then it just like transforms to metal right as you bite it Ooh You little spider teeths Ooh Kyborg yes Your real arm falls off. Oh, no. Wait, really? Well, that's a... Dang it. So you got just your one robot arm? I just got the one. That's going to be hard to shoot a bow. Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. then as my bonus action I'll turn back into Fear Boggma and I will stand there and say what are you doing here I just grump it's like doesn't really speak I thought you said Chris Damaris wasn't there and it was gum gum okay that's the end of my turn then I got no ideas biting doesn't work tell you something else it is Kyborg's turn All right. Well, I'm looking at my arm in disbelief, kind of bummed out. I guess I'll pick it up because I'm assuming it dropped on the ground, and I'll stick it into my quiver with all the other arrows because I'll need that for later. And then I pull out my bow and arrow, but then I pause and look at Gumbo and ask for permission. No. I'm nowhere near Gumbo, so Gumbo is just there probably. Sniffing his butt. I guess I sniffed my butt, too. I don't know. There's nothing. Wait. Follow their lead. The arm falling off breaks the imprint. That's true. Oh! So you just lost your mom again. No! Okay. Well, then, having lost an arm before and having trained myself to shoot one-handed, I know how to shoot a bow with one hand. It's just opposite day. So anyways, I'm going to shoot the longer bow of crystallina. Roll for that. Okay. That's a 30. Whoa. 18 plus 12. Okay, so that hits. Your arrow flies true. And then right before it comes to this creature, it changes and bounces off. It hits stone. Kayborg, when I tried a melee attack and it did nothing to this creature. There's no point in your brain where you're like, maybe I should try thinking out of the box. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think I have magic arrows. Are these not magic arrows? Hold on. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I hadn't thought that one through. Hey, you know what? Don't worry. I've got two attacks. I'll shoot another arrow just to make sure. Yeah, do another arrow. Way not. There we go. Forever one time. 20. Dirty 20. And what does it do? 13. Well, it's got ice damage. So you draw your bow, shoot this icy arrow, and then as it approaches... 1, 2, 3, 4, D6. So that's 13 plus 12. All right, go ahead. 25 damage. As it approaches, the creature morphs into, like, fire, and the arrow just melts. All right. You know what? I don't need this. We're not even getting paid. They didn't even agree to our contract. Give cash now. All right, Bart. Your turn. Is it my turn? Excuse me. Maybe gum gums? No, definitely Bart. Yeah, that's Bart. All right. Did you say this guy has any metal on him? It has everything on him. I fear that conventional attacking is not going to do anything, and we need to think something wild, because we're fighting something that's just a demon of wild energy. You've got to fight chaos with chaos. Go crazy, Bart. Well, I don't know anything more chaotic than a cloud of daggers. Maybe if you cast it while going. Go on. Or. Okay. Cloud of daggers. Whoa. He's chaotic. This will surely hit. Yeah. But are there any like objects like lying around the ground anywhere? Yes. You're in the middle of town square. There's several knocked out townsguard from this creature attacking. There's, you know, closed up shops. There's a well with a bucket. Are there any, like, hot dogs? Yeah, you could say there was a hot dog vendor who had set up, but then whenever the monster attacked, he ran off. So there's just, like... I want to cast my cloud of daggers around this guy, but I want to toss in a whole handful of hot dogs to put in with the mix. Crazy. Crazy! Mud is just standing there confused, and Kyborg is just like, let him cook. Let him cook. So, yeah, this monster turns itself into metal or things to protect itself from the daggers. But then whenever you throw in the hot dogs, it starts turning itself into hot dog buns. And then, so half of it's metal, half of it's hot dog buns. And then the dagger slices through the buns part, doing roll your damage. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. That does. 14 points of damage. Okay. And he goes, That's the noise of ice. It is now the chaos demon's turn. He glares at Bart for his hot dog barrage. And from his arm, a dozen icicles fire directly at you. And they do 22 points of fire damage. No save. and I think it's Gum Gum's turn now. Gum Gum will... Hey, look to my dogs! Why didn't you give them all to him? I kept one here for you, Gum Gum. Don't worry. Oh, thank you. I always need my Gum Gum reserve. Don't you worry. Gum Gum eats the hot dog, rages, and he'll, I don't know, say two, which means I teleport up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space. I can see... Yeah, so I can teleport now as a bonus action. So Gum-Gum charges forward with his axe to attack, and then as he gets closer, teleports up to try and eat some of those hot dogs that are floating up in the air. Okay. And then lands and bounces off of the creature. Chris is playing with himself right now. You can't tell if it was effective or not. It's hard to tell. Everything was pretty confusing. And that takes us up to Mud. Oh, okay. Do something chaotic, bro. Go crazy. Go crazy. Think outside the bun. Drink a white monster. Go nuts. Four loco. Mud would use what can be chaotic. I'm going to cast Conjure Animals. I can cast that with a third level. And so, let's see. I'm going to just actually say it is just a, let me see, eight beasts of challenge rating one quarter. So I think I would just have it turned, instead of all being the same beast, it would be just a bunch of other random beasts to, like, confuse the creature as much as possible. And so, like, it'd be like, you know, insects and a cat and an owl. and you know just all kinds of stuff like that. I'm trying to get the thing to tell me CR ratings that are one quarter but it's not. Oh yeah, a boar and a cave badger and a constrictor snake and a cow and a draft horse. What? A giant bat and just everything under the sun and I cast it and it's And a swarm of these creatures are swarming the chaos. Okay. The chaos demon looks around. The cat charges at it. It turns into a dog. But at the same time, that dog is exposed. And it gets kicked in the face with a horse. And then as the boar charges, it turns into a hand slicer. One of those, like, shh. Oh, from the jelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A jelly slicer. And what were some of the other? Giant bat and a draft horse. Yeah. But then the bat flies through the slicing hand thing into the throat of the monster, and it coughs up and is choked on a bat. Perfect. All those types of things are happening all at once. That's exactly how I imagined. And I'm going to roll some damage for that, but he did not like choking on bat. Yeah, I figured not. Most people don't. Choking on bat. It is now Kyborg's turn. Oh, dang, going to get crazy. crazy, I'm I'm gonna run up to it, and then before I do, I do like a little juke thing, and then I spin around. But instead of spinning left, I spin right! Whoa! Who is this guy? And then I shoot the long bro of Chris Lena! He still uses his bow. He said... 19! the most chaotic this guy can get is just turning the wrong way you fly you shoot the arrow at it it sees it it's coming uh-huh um and it turns into a wind pipe that goes and it sucks the arrow in and fires it right back at you oh hey kaibari explain to it how you normally only go left i'm sure that will help as it's going through a series of pneumatic tubes i say well you have to understand this is like against my thing i am normally a left guy it's like my slogan i turn left and what was the uh damage on that i didn't roll it i didn't think it was important well go ahead and roll it okay yep you know 13 kyborg gets hit by an arrow it takes the 13 points of damage 13 damage yeah all right good hit kyborg you should totally do that again Try adding some hot dogs I have another attack What's around me? What's near me? I mean, you're in a town square So you tell me what you see Hey, Gaiborg You have my permission to use gumbo Precious Do I attach gumbo to an arrow? Wow Not everything has to be added to your bow He knows no other way, bud. Uh, okay. What about your arm that fell off? That's a bit chaotic. Okay, I pull out my arm and shoot my arm, which is in the form of a fist. So you fire your arm at the creature. Yes. Okay, so it turns metal because it thinks the bow's coming, But then it gets confused and it sees a fist coming. So it sees, oh, and it thinks you're playing rock, paper, scissors. So then it turns into paper. So it turns into paper. And then your fist smashes through the paper. Yeah. There you go. We got there. So do I do damage on that one then? Yeah, yeah. Roll some damage for it. I did it. I did it. With your bow. 11. Oh, suddenly, in a blast of magic, You hear just like... And then a giant over the horizon. Tidal wave starts approaching the party. A brown, wiggling... Oh, no. Tidal wave. Oh, no. Is it poop? Is that a tidal wave of squirrels? Whoa! Yeah, a tidal wave of squirrels just slams down into the middle of the battle, and the squirrels just everywhere. Squirrels left, right. Things just got nuts. Everyone takes six points of squirrel damage. That's not that much. I mean, you say that, but I'm real low on health. And that's just for the initial impact. And then everyone make a dexterity save. Yeah, why not? 17. Okay, you're good. 15 for mud. And kyborg? That's a seven. That's a seven. Hey, use your lucky. Yep, they're all used. Several of the squirrels latch onto you and are biting you. You take seven points of piercing damage, and you now have several squirrels attached to you, just gnawing and just attached. Very cool, very cool. Hey, squirrel friends. Hey. Hey, girl, hey. Hey, squirrel, hey. Bart, you're up. I'm up. Or maybe you're down. Hey, guys. Do I have any hot dogs left? I'm kidding. You have a lot of squirrels. Could I cast a thunder wave towards these squirrels to kind of get them off of us? To be clear, the squirrels have landed on you. Now they're just running around them. They're not necessarily like, they're not like on you. They're just running everywhere. There's just lots of squirrels. The wave has landed. The squirrels are everywhere. Yeah. Okay. You can totally thunder wave the squirrels, but they're not like. All in one spot. It's not like an area of effect type situation. I mean, it could. There's enough squirrels that it would still knock a bunch of them. Let me try to see, like, wait for the moment they're all gathered in one section and thunder wave them towards... What's the name of this thing? Chaos Demon. Chaos Demon. Towards the Chaos Demon. But his friends call him Chuck. Yeah, so all the... Do you need to make a roll for that thunder wave? No, it just does damage. And does it push? It pushes? Yes. So wave of thunder is forced, sweeps out from under you. Each creature in a 15-foot cube originated from me must make it... Oh, Constitution saving throw. Constitution of 14. Okay. I'm just going to say there's a lot of squirrels. They don't have very many. I'm going to say most of them get pushed. Seeing a bunch of squirrels, the creature morphs into the form of an owl. and flies, but then it gets struck by the thunder wave, and it takes whatever that damage is. It would take 11 points of thunder damage. The creature is starting to limp and fall. It looks over. It's its turn now, and it just shoots out a blast of spaghetti at Gum-Gum, and he's just covered in spaghetti and incapacitated, And then it howls and growls in Yul's direction. Gum-Gum died doing what he loves. Eating spaghetti. And now it's Mud's turn. Mud would go to where all the spaghetti, the beam of spaghetti hit Gum-Gum. And he would take the Piscetti and he would rub it all over his fear-bogg fur. Chaos. and just cover himself in sauce and oils and noodles and all that kind of stuff. And then Mud would run towards the Chaos Demon, but then would slip and slide through the Chaos Demon's legs. Okay, so here's what it does. It thinks you're spaghetti. Yeah. It opens a giant mouth to eat said spaghetti. Perfect. That's exactly what I wanted it to do. Oh, I think I know what you're doing. Yes, yes, yes. You're going to explode inside of his belly. Delicious. If only I had an arrow that exploded upon impact. Do you want to shoot you? Take the shot. Take the shot. Hey, Blaine, never change. Never change. Never change. You're perfect as you are. Okay? You heard him, guys. Yeah. Here's what Mud's going to do. It's got a mouth, right? A mouth is coming down? Yeah. Mud jumps up into the mouth. Excellent. Excellent. wild shape into a plesiosaurus. Wow. Looks like he made up more than he could chew. Nice. Thank you, Gum Gum. Inspiration die to Gum Gum. It explodes in a mess of all sorts of materials. A burst of magic happens and Kyber has to talk with a lisp. Well, I guess that takes care of that, gang. Let's go back to the infinite castle for some celebratory drinks. It's Kai, baby. Yeah. Suddenly reality snaps back with an explosion of creatures, feathers, foods, liquids, bones. My dogs. It's very gross. Arms. But as the warped air settles back into place, there's a deep silence. And a pleasant breeze blows through the town. Oh, that feels nice. Citizens emerge from their homes. Citizens emerge from their homes and see a giant dinosaur covered in spaghetti sauce and noodles. The town guard pick themselves up and run from the giant dinosaur. Yes, fear me, for I am the great spaghetti dinosaur. God, throughout all the chaos and the mess, it feels like there's a nervous kind of calm in the air. Okay. Back at the keep of Namaxis. Uh-huh. Elder Uzair and several other council members are thanking you, shaking your hand. Flipper. Well, are you still the dinosaur? Yes, I didn't say I turned back to mud. Yes, yes, it's no problem. We are the infinites. Happy to save you. Well, thank you for destroying the twin. It seems his dark magic finally took control of him. Oh, that was him? I assume so. Oh, yes. No worry, Namaxis is safe. I'm surprised you remember the name of this place. Namaxis is the name of the tower. Kethmark's the town. Oh, that's awkward. Kethmark is safe. Let's swim in. Shut up, you stupid dinosaur. It seems that some of the magics persist. He gestures to his puppy-headed elder, which whimpers loudly. But tomorrow is a holiday in our village. We will honor our guiding hand, O Maxis, and pray that these things are righted and to bring peace and order to the town and to cure us of these terrible inflictions. What kind of inflictions are you talking about? You four are guests of honor. Wow. So, please take some well-deserved rest, and we shall reconvene in the morning. Does that count as a long rest? It does. Wow. Thank God. Do I still smell like a corpse? Yeah. It seems like one of your friends was killed. Which one? The zombie. Oh, no, he's got a little bit of halitosis, is what he's talking about. Yes. Halitosis. So our four infinite interns are set up in the finest rooms in town. And after a long day of adventures, sleep comes easily to all of you. Until the screams. You hear screams out from your window, just chaos. And just sounds you don't know how to describe. Let's keep it down on you with the screams. I'm trying to sleep. I just saved this town, Nomexis. Kessmark. The screams persist. We walk outside to see what the screams are. You walk outside and you see violence, destructions, and a lot of frightened villagers and dead city watch. You see not one, not two, but three of the chaos demons you just defeated. Looks like twins was actually twinlets. And they are creating absolute chaos and warping the reality around them. Despite all the chaos, you notice something else. An absence. An absence? Someone is missing. Is it Gum Gum? Gum Gum is gone. It's Gum Gum. Yeah, we saw that one. That is the conclusion to part one of... What's the name? The Infinite Interns and the Rules of Chaos. Yes. Wow. Thank you to everyone who has helped make this adventure as chaotic as possible. This is just a start. This is just a start of a month of chaos and fun that is Stinky Wary. All month long, we're going to be doing special live streams. We're going to be releasing content that's normally behind the paywall to everyone so you can get a taste of all the great stuff you're missing. And we have special stuff that's exclusive to our Patreon, like webcomics and lots of weird stuff that Blaine is making. Please tell your friends, tell your family, tell your enemies to go sign up at StinkyJuggenPod.com. Also, do not forget, there's a link in the description that has a link. If you sign up for free on Patreon, you can submit your own elements for part two of this chaotic adventure. We've been pulling from them the entire time. They're great. And yeah, thank you, everyone, for joining us and looking forward to the next month. Thank you. Bye. Thank you for joining us. Bye. Thank you, guys. We love you the most. The Infinite Interns and the Rules of Chaos Part 1 was written by Chris Damaris. That's me. Produced by Ben Ernst and edited by Philip Spann. Elder Miriam was brought to life by the very talented cosplayer and model Shelby Eileen, who you can find more of on Instagram at ShelbyEileenCosplay. The NPC Namor Haddle was named after Patreon supporter Full Metal Knight. Twin was named by Patreon supporter C. Liang. Sergeant Murat was named by JackDWR on Patreon. Small World, the Platypodamoose, was named by Small World on YouTube after they gifted several Patreon memberships live on the stream. And don't forget, that's Saturday, February 30th for the finale, part two, our mega stream, our StinkyWare explosion of fun. And thank you so much, everyone who supports us at StinkyDragonPod.com. And also, don't forget their special StinkyWare merch at store.stinkydragonpod.com. Thanks. Okay, bye.