246: Thankful It's Not Me?

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I've heard rumblings of it and you know it's competing with Wicked for good. And... Are those the two? The two blockbusters? I think so for the well-and-then Marty Suprem is coming out as well. Why do I not know what that is? It's the um, Timothy Shalamy ping-pong movie. It's coming out on Christmas. Ping-pong? Yeah, he plays like... Well, he plays Marty Supreme. I'm doing paddle motions. I don't like... Never mind. It is hard sometimes to remind myself that not everyone is watching the video version of this. Yeah, should be. We got video on Spotify now. Like, you should be. Well, I can't believe you had audio. Marty Suprem on Christmas Day. No, are you going on Christmas Day? No, probably not. I think I'm going to a football game on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day. That sounds like actually really fun. That feels Christmasy to me. My good old, Minnesota Vikings. How are they doing? Yeah, not good. That's hard. Not good. Yeah. You know, I'm just chalking this up as a building year and let the Packers and the Bears have a good year and the Lions and Yago Lions. Actually, I would love to see the Lions win a Super Bowl. I think it's overdue and would be well deserved. That's a beautiful sentiment for the people out there who are Lions fans. Yeah, we're going to think so you deserve it. Anyone but the Chiefs. That's how I really feel. They've just had too many. It feels too scripted at this point. Speaking of like football conspiracies, this is like deep football conspiracy. But did you see the Browns game the other day where they were like 29 yards out and they decided to punt it? No, I've been like, I've been missing, I went, I've been busy these weekends. So there was a huge bet in Vegas like that the over like the over under and what it would be. And so if they would have gone for the field goal and made it, like Vegas would have lost millions. I've been seeing, I've been seeing this on the internet. People saying like they're only doing this because of Vegas. And I don't know. Yeah, I need, doesn't sound crazy to me. It doesn't sound too conspir- No, honestly, don't say it. Don't take me out Vegas like, now I got to have like a little look over my shoulder. But that's a very niche like sports conspiracy. And I'd be very curious if anyone else what your thoughts are on it. But today's stories, I'm really excited to get into. I kind of just have a theme of chaos like no real theme overall. But you like shared a meme or something with me and you're like, what was it? It was like when? It was like thankful it's not me. Oh yeah, thankful like parentheses that this isn't me. That yeah. So like that's kind of what I'm going for today. Like thankful it's not me. Yeah. So just like no real theme just overall. Tiss the season. Tiss the season. Yeah, we're getting a little bit of mix of things. I'm putting together a full holiday kind of episode. So that not your nice, coal or toys. Coal or bust. Yeah, so that'll be a vibe later in December. But this is, you know, kind of kicking us off. Yeah, love it. Yeah. Thanks giving this week for us because we're recording this probably well in advance. And so thanksgiving just kind of has brought out some crazy. But overall the holidays, the holidays, people are on their worst behavior. A genuinely. I was talking to one of my team members at Spotify last week, Megan. She's like, okay, like everything's in retrograde and we're some things in retrograde. She's like my little astrology guru. Like she's on it. She's like, and then this is doing this and then like it'll be a cleanse. And I'm like, get me to the cleanse. I don't understand. I feel like there's always a retro. I feel like is it true that every other month or so there's a retrograde of some sort? We're going to have to phone a friend named Megan. Okay. Yeah. Or some astrology. But like if I'm a Pisces Gemini sage, maybe I forgot the last one. But I'm definitely Pisces main and then Gemini's my rising. Like tell me what I should expect for the rest of December and going into the new year. I need a good reading. It's going to be positive things. Okay. Are you ready for these ones? Yes. Okay. Let's dive in. Oh. This episode of Two Out Takes is presented by Decerano. This holiday season, I'll be raising a glass with Decerano. The world's favorite Italian la Cour and mine. One of my go-to holiday drinks has Decerano in it. Decerano 7 Splashacran and it's so so good. Everyone loves it. It's light. It's refreshing. And it just has this smooth almond with a hint of vanilla flavor. It tastes so good. You could just drink it on the rocks if you want. It's sweet but not overly sweet. Just super sophisticated and good. And to mark 500 years as an icon of the Italian Dolce Vita, Decerano has released five limited edition bottles. Visit Decerano.com to learn more. 1525, The Legend of Decerano Begins. Okay. This is first one. It is coming from Amity Ashold, two days old, titled Amity Ashold for Keeping a Family Cookbook that was previously thrown away. More than 10 years ago, my sister-in-law's mother-in-law passed away. The family cleaned out her house, took what they wanted, and then decided to toss the rest. Before it was tossed, my sister-in-law said to see if there was anything I wanted. All I could find was an old cookbook, which was in plain sight on the kitchen table. Fast forward to this year when I posted a photo of my island with cookbooks all over it. I was looking for a certain recipe. My brother-in-law saw the photo and his mother's cookbook, and then demanded its return. I refused. The whole family is in an uproar. Half are on my side, half are on his. I've had to block quite a few of them from being able to contact me as they were getting really rude. Am I the asshole for not returning it? If I hadn't taken it, it was going to be thrown away. So this is his wife's mother's? Whoever's writing in? OP. Yeah. It's sister-in-law's mother-in-law. My brother-in-law saw it. So I feel like it's OP's husband's brother or sister. Okay. So there's a decent removal there. Right. Okay. And they were going through. They were going to get rid of everything, pick what you can. They're not asshole for taking it. I don't think so. I mean, if they are fairly removed, I feel like it'd be different if this person had come to them and be like, oh my god, can't believe we missed this. It would actually mean a lot for us to have this. Is there any way we could? Because if that is this person's actual child, then I would see why maybe they should have it more than the same big use relative. Yeah, because it is an heirloom. I look at cookbooks like heirlooms. Like baking is really, really important to me in my grandma. It's like our tradition in the holidays. So like, I understand wanting this recipe book. Like that is an heirloom. But at the same time, you were going to throw it away. Yeah. And it's the energy that you came in with. It's like, I didn't do anything wrong by grabbing this thing that anyone's going to throw away. If you like genuinely missed it and didn't see it, that's fine. We can have a conversation about it. Like family recipes are really important. That's like a huge thing. But why are you yelling at me when you're asking me for a favor, actually? Yeah, like you're coming out guns blazing. Like now I don't want to give it to you. A little rude. Yeah, no. It could have been more of a conversation too. Like, oh my god, I don't know how that got into the pile. Thank you for keeping it safe all these years. Could we at least make a photocopy of it? Right. Like we'll take it to office max. You can come with. Let's photocopy it so we can still have that. That's honestly like that's one of the first things that I would want to grab. If I don't even want to say it. No, it's it. I'm really bad with that. No, so I completely agree. Yeah. First thing in a box. Yeah. If I was going to write like one question, OP though, I would say info was the other piles of trash on the table too. Because OP does say before it got tossed. They want to check to see if I wanted anything. All I could find was an old cookbook, which was in plain sight on the kitchen table. Right. And then everything else was in trash piles. Oh, this is an interesting catch. Because I'm like, wait. Maybe they put, yeah. Because OP isn't mentioning. But maybe they did put that aside and just like didn't think someone would take it. And then they were like, oh, wait, where did the where did the recipe book go? That's what I'm like, what was the distinguishing thing? Like was everything truly in one spot? Was there multiple stuff spread out and there were other items on the table? Or was it like, hey, yeah, check and see if there's anything you want. Like the rest we're getting rid of. And that was just solely sitting on the table. Someone had already set it aside, but hadn't plucked it yet. That's it. I could easily see that happening with clearing out like a parent's house. Have to put their own stuff down to the side. You find something like where is a safe place that you can put something where you know someone won't take it before you leave? I'm interested. This is why I wish I could talk to both parties. I know. Because then if it was like at that time and you were the one that set your mom, whatever, whoever it was to you, if you set their cookbook on the table and you're like, okay, I'm going to get that. I've set it aside for myself. I'm going to keep rummaging through things. Yeah. But I'm going to set it there. I wonder if afterwards they like reached out to the family and was like, did anyone see mom's cookbook? Right. Does anyone have mom's cookbook? Because I understand like in 10, like 10 years ago, addressing this and being like, oh, no, no, no, I wanted to keep that. Like can I have that back? But now you've gotten 10 years without really noticing. Or was this like a tragic thing where she was like, I set it aside. Yeah. And it got thrown away. Yeah. And then like, you know what I mean? Totally like thinking that it somehow got mixed up in the trash pile. Yeah, I feel like, oh, Peter, I don't think OP did anything wrong on purpose. But I in this situation, if I were sort of a distant, dissonally connected relative of the deceased and I found like the family cookbook, I would probably be like, hey, just making sure that this is something none of you guys want. Because clearly they did. Because I don't think this is a situation where it's like they intended it to be trash. And now all of a sudden they care? No, I think it like accidentally, I think it's a mix up. I think it's a mix up. Yeah. Regardless, I don't think you're the asshole. Like you've had it for 10 years. I think at this point, it is yours. Even though it isn't heirloom and they've got sentimental value to it. But I would 100% say you would be the asshole if you don't at least make them a copy. Yeah. You should do that bare minimum. Yeah, because I don't know, I guess, how close OP also was to the deceased. It's like, I feel like they could have the copy of it. And then the direct children could have the original. Because if you just want it for the recipes, like you don't need the sentimental aspect of it. True. But I don't know. I know. Top comment on this one. Quote, look and keep what you want 10 years later. No, not that. Not the asshole. They're being ridiculous. You could offer to maybe let them copy the book or give them recipes if they want. But you're not obligated to give a book away that they specifically didn't want and let you keep for 10 years. But again, I don't think they knew that she had it or they had it. But yeah, I mean, it's possible. People can be crazy. But I think the issue is that they were coming at this person with such anger. That. And that's what someone picks up on to because someone replies to the top comment and they go, you're responding as if the person who said the first thing, take what you want, is the same person who said the second thing. Please give it back. Maybe it was overlooked. Maybe he wasn't given the opportunity to get it and thought it was just lost to the situation. It does seem like the brother-in-law is making this out to be a bigger thing than he should and really should have gone for calm negotiation instead of whatever this is though. And then someone responds and goes, we don't know that brother-in-law is being unreasonable. Quote demanded it back makes one think of someone storming over angrily shouting. But it could just as easily have been a message saying, quote, that looks like my mom's cookbook. I thought it was lost forever. I was supposed to have it. When's a good time for me to pick it up? Not sure I trust the phrasing of the kind of person who thinks it's reasonable to start a family feud to keep a dead woman's cookbook away from her son. Damn. I think I fall in line more with that comment than the first top comment. I think so. Because again, with these stories, we get OP's perspective and it's always going to be sprinkled with a little bit of bias. Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure most of them tell it to the most of their ability, but it's like still subjective. Again, saying demanded or like whatever it has. Yeah. Yeah. There's a chance that that's not exactly how it went. That's a really good point. Because demanded, like the word you choose totally changes the meaning, the context, the implication. If he had just said he asked for it back, there wouldn't even be a question. No, we'd be like, oh my god, yeah. If he really wants it, it says, moms. Yes, I can't imagine. Even if it's been yours for 10 years and someone told you to take whatever, a dead woman's son was like, I would really love my mother's cookbook back. Oh, okay. There's no way you can keep it from them and be the person in the right. No, and that's where I'm like, I guess you made a really good point where you're like, make a copy of it. Like it doesn't have the sentimental value to you. So if you want it for the recipes, you make the copy and you keep it. Yeah. Because it's not the physical thing that you're attached to. Like it is his mom's. It's her hand writing. Oh my gosh, the most like prize possession I have is my mom like got me this pie plate and it has her chocolate pie recipe in her hand writing etched into it. It's like, holy shit, that's so cool. It's so sweet. It's like my best gift that I've ever gotten. That's such a thoughtful gift. It is like gift season right now and that would be such an easy DIY. I think you do. I think it was exy or something like that, but yeah. Totally. That would like anyone could do that too for a loved one. Like I'm like, okay, wait, I want to do that for my grandma or something. Well, I want my grandma to do it for me. Yeah, but having it in their hand writing. That's so so beautiful. So yeah, okay. I don't think given all of this, I don't think any assholes here. Like no assholes here, I think would be my final final vote after all the chat. I think that's fair. I think this is like a mix up. I think it's both parties are confused. I think when someone passes and things are being given out, like there's so many moving parts and so many different people involved, I think, yeah, make a copy, give the original back to the sun, keep it for yourself. I'm curious to see what OP actually does though. I know. There's no comments from OP, no updates. It's only two days old at this point. Does look like a real account as far as it goes right now, like has commented on other subreddits, like am I overreacting? It's a year old account and there's nothing inappropriate on it right now. So leads me to believe it's genuine. So hopefully we'll get an update. But I think that would be the plan, because you also have to consider when they were cleaning out this house. Was it right after his mom passed? Right. I'm like, who said, oh yeah, like sorry, I wasn't the sharpest I've ever been in my life that week, you know? Yeah. Well, and I, okay. So it is the brother-in-law's mother's cookbook. Here's where I get confused. So my brother-in-law saw the photo of his mother's cookbook. Maybe they're siblings. Maybe because sister-in-law was the one that said, if you see anything that you want, take it. But then brother-in-law, who it's his mom, said, I want the cookbook back. But it's also my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. Why is like this family tree really messing me up right now? No, I'm gonna, it's right. So is OP married also to a child of the deceased? Is that how that would work? I don't know because it says my sister-in-laws because this person's being mentioned at all. You'd think that that would be mentioned if it's like my spouse really wants this as well. I know. Because if it was also your mother-in-law, but I still think her son in the hierarchy, like it's your mother-in-law, this is his mom's cookbook. I still think he's more up in the hierarchy of things. But my sister-in-laws mother-in-law. And then my brother-in-law, and it's his mother's cookbook. Can someone please drop me if it's the brother-in-laws mother? Yes. Is he married? Then that means that but sister-in-law's mother-in-law. Is it like a stepmom to your partner? We need someone with a PhD. People are gonna be like, these girls are really dumb. Do I swear to God if I had like a paper? I'm having a day, okay. If I have paper and a pen, I think I could figure this out. But we're gonna come back to this. We're gonna move on to the next story. And then at the very end, we're gonna get a piece of paper and we're gonna try to write this out. And like, maybe insert a photo of it. No, because honestly, when you were reading this story, I kept in my head going back. I'm like, so who? But who is who to whom? Yeah. My sister-in-laws mother-in-law. So it's your partner's sister, okay? And then that sister is married to this guy. And it was his mom. There we go. Oh my gosh. There we go. I could have never gotten there. In my wildest dreams. It hurt. It hurt. Are the comments confused about that at all? Like, are we the only ones not like? No one's mentioning it. So far, someone does say, agreed I would return the original and buy myself a replacement copy or photocopied if a replacement purchase is impossible. It's the kind thing to do. I really couldn't imagine keeping something of my deceased mother-in-laws if one of her actual children requested it back. And they go, edit, Jesus. This isn't even OP's mother-in-law. It's apparently her husband's sister's husband's mother. Right. OP has no tie or relationship to this woman at all. Give the damn book back OP. Okay. I can't believe this is even a question for you. That's what I initially thought is that OP was like pretty fairly removed in this family tree. But then as we kept going, I started to question myself and wonder, am I reading this wrong? No, I think now we're on it. Yeah. And so I want to respond to that comment and goes, I would return the cookbook. Several months after my dad died, my mom did a big clean out out of the house before listening it to sell. She was tossing so many of my dad's things, including photo albums from his childhood. She was still grieving in such a zombie-like way and just tossing everything in sight without really seeing or noticing what she was actually tossing. I went through the pile and pulled the photo albums and other items I felt were important. She didn't even realize she tossed those things. Chances are, no one realized this cookbook was in the toss pile. Make a copy and return the original. Absolutely. Oh my god. I feel like have a little bit more empathy for that period of time. Yeah. Also when a family member passes or when someone passes, it puts you on such an immediate timeline to do the funeral to get so fast. And if children are inheriting a house, if they can't pay the mortgage for instance, they have to sell it really fast. And all of this stuff is really hard to do quickly even if you're not grieving. And then when you are grieving one of the most important people in your life, you can't hold that against them. No. No. And it also, I don't know. I would have maybe cleared it with your sister-in-law's husband, aka your brother-in-law first because maybe it wasn't even your sister-in-law's place to be like, yeah, take anything you want. True. Like it's not her mom, it's her mother-in-law. True. So I don't know. Like maybe she was trying to be helpful. Her husband, it was dealing with a lot, you know, the loss of his mom. But this is clearly important. And important enough where you post a picture of your kitchen island with a bunch of different cookbooks on it and he's able to look at it and be like, that's my mom's. Right, that's so true. After 10 years of that clicks in his head, amongst a bunch of cookbooks, just seeing it and immediately give it back. Yeah, no assholes here, but you would be the asshole. If you don't give it back. If you don't give it back and make a copy and just like, best of both worlds. Like, come on. You can get like a beautiful new book made of, like you can send in things like that and get, you can send in like old, like photo albums and get beautiful, like digital ones made or like, like you can, I don't know. No, you could literally have this like, photocopied but then like bound in a new book. Like it doesn't have to be a binder with like photocopied pages slipped in or like, you know, three whole punched and you have the little tax that you fold over. Like this could be a really nice book for you still. And last thing I'll say also like, OP never mentions. She was really important to me too. Or like, I understand that this was this person's parent, but like I also really cared. Like there's, I just feel like if there were a little bit more emotion here of like kind of making me understand more why there might be a sentimental reason for them to really want to keep the cookbook, maybe that would change my opinion a little bit. But it's like, it's not even saying that. No, no mention of any attachment. Yeah. Like you described it as my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. So it really makes me feel like you didn't really know her. Yeah. Give it back. But curious what you all think, moving along. Yeah, that was interesting because I feel like my opinion changed the more and more I thought about it. I know. Because it was like, wait a minute. Unreliable narrator maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I love that. Unreliable narrator. Okay, this next one is coming from our very own two outtakes subreddit. Nine hours old. Titled, My boyfriend calls it radical honesty. But it feels like public humiliation. Oh, I already know. I hate him. Oh, I know. I, 26 female, have been with my boyfriend, 27 male, for a year and some change. When we started dating, he told me his friend group is brutally honest. And I thought that just meant they roast each other a lot. Nope. Apparently they have this rule where if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. Okay. I did not fully understand what that meant until last weekend. We were at a hangout and his friend casually said, quote, So did you ever fix that thing where you cry every time a plan changes? Everyone laughed and then started listing stuff they think I should work on. Like quote, You apologize too much. It's kind of manipulative. You act shy, but actually you like control. You talk about your job too much. It's boring for the rest of us. All delivered, like they're doing me a favor. My boyfriend just sat there nodding and occasionally adding examples. I felt like I was in some live, Yelp review of my personality. When I got upset later, he said I was being dramatic and that I should be grateful they, quote, care enough to be real with me. Is this actually some healthy communication thing that my thin skin can't handle? Or is this just a circle of people who enjoy tearing others apart and slapping a self-help label on it? No. I... Oh. This went exactly how I thought it was going to go because there is just this obnoxious type of person who thinks like honesty is an excuse to be horrible to people. Honesty in itself is not this like moral, all good thing to do. Like especially when it's you don't know this person. You don't know like what has caused them to have these issues in their past. Like a therapist might be able to help them with this, but you just making fun of them for it isn't going to help them with this. Like what's the end goal here? I don't know. I don't know. This just sounds like such a toxic friend group. Yeah. Because there's one thing too. Like I feel like what they said aren't really things that like can be addressed or they're things that like maybe stem from something else. Like trauma or PTSD. Like we don't know. Yeah. But like you apologize too much. It's kind of manipulative. Well, I don't know. Maybe I just want to make sure no one's mad at me because whatever you cry every time a plan changes. Maybe they're on the spectrum and that is really jarring for them when things that have been set in stone are then changed. Like not everyone can be fluid like that. I don't know. Yeah, it's certainly not on purpose. I'd love to not cry. I'd love to not be stressed out if things change. I'd love to be more adaptable. But like maybe for her, she can't. Yeah. No, I don't like this. I think that this is also just an indicator of again, a lifetime of being gasslet by not only your partner, but also all of their friends. And like they will try to hammer into you more and more that the way that they act is actually good and you're the one with the problem. This is just what making fun of someone in elementary school or bullying is. Like the things that you might bully a kid for when they're five years old or whatever, it might be true. Maybe like, oh, you have glasses or like what? But that doesn't mean it's like not mean or like not something to make fun of someone for. Well, it's also, it's not like none of these are something to make fun of anyone for. And like at this point, like they're 26, 27, probably in their late 20s. Like you're beyond bullying people and having that rudimentary elementary, your glasses are big, like jokes. Like you're beyond that. You're too old for that. And I think one of these here that like really pisses me off too, it's like you talk about your job too much. It's boring for the rest of us. Maybe you guys are all fucking boring. And so she feels the need to talk about work to like maintain a conversation because no one else can carry a conversation. Yeah, this is all just really mean. If they were like, they're just love for jobs. Maybe she fucking loves it. And she is happy. And like in her dream career and is excited. Yeah, have they ever considered that's actually a them problem? I don't think so, God. Like maybe you just don't care about her. And so anything she talks about is boring to you. Yeah. And anything that makes her excited is just like, annoying. I think it'd be one thing if the friends were like coming to her about an actual bad thing she was doing in their relationship. And they were like, hey, we've noticed that our friend has been you know, acting differently lately. You know, if someone was like treating their partner badly and the friends came and tried to intervene about that, sure. But yeah, I don't think that this is their business and they don't seem to know her well enough to be like, like she didn't ask for this. No, I've asked sometimes my friends to tell me what I do. That's annoying because I'm like, I'm prepared to receive this information. You're brave. And then, and then they'll tell me and it hurts a bit. Damn. And I've had that happen. Like most for the most part, I don't know anyone else who likes to get that back unless they're like talking to a therapist. I think therapy because that's kind of a safe place where that should happen. Yeah. But no, I feel like there are some people that can handle stuff like this. I think like criticism in regards to like your work is different than like personal attacks on you. Yeah. And these were all very personal attacks. They're like very demeaning of her character. Like calling someone manipulative, like that doesn't feel good where it's like, you apologize too much. That's manipulative. Well, so do most women. Like this sort of just like a learned behavior. It's kind of hammered in. Yeah, well, also like, I think it is. Yeah. Yeah, it is very hammered in. I'm like the things I apologize for. Someone will bump into me and I'm like, sorry. All the time, a lot of it is like Midwest Minnesota nice too, where it's like, oops, sorry. Like you just like, if you just spit it out. Even things like I know I'm not wrong to ask for or like I had a team call the other day with like a group that I'm doing a project with. And one of the ideas that a creative agency person involved brought forward, like I didn't really resonate with, they're like, let us know, you know, all of these are flexible. If you don't love any, that's cool. Just like let us know and I'm like, keep it in. Keep it in. It's fine. Just it's not yours. Like keep it in. I'm like, yeah, I don't like that one. Like I'm so sorry. But it's like that wasn't even a thing that they're asking you for that in that situation. I know. It's like, why do we do that? Yeah. Like why? And so I understand being a people pleaser and apologizing and that's okay. Yeah. I also, if this were me, I would go home that night and to my partner, I'd be like, do you actually like me? Like this makes me feel like there are so many things about me that you don't like. And you know, some of that, you know, maybe crying every time plans change is something that I would benefit from talking to a therapist about and working on or blah, blah, blah. But most of these things are like actually just innate personality things that aren't even due to trauma or whatever else. They're just how I eat, like talking about work because I like my job or, you know, whatever else it is. Apologizing, that's just how I am. And if you don't like that, you shouldn't be with me. And like I said, when I'm asking my friends about things that are annoying about me, there are things that they could say where it would be like, oh, well, that is just the way that I am. And if you don't like that or like you can't get past that, then we're probably just not meant to be friends. Yeah. But I don't know. I would just, I would just not think that this person actually appreciates me and likes me. Now, because if they're saying this to your face, yeah, what is getting said behind your back? And so happy when his friends are like going after her. And this all started because apparently this friend group has a rule where if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. So if I'm understanding their rules correctly, he's gone to the group and complained about her. Yeah. Which, that's fine. Like you can vent to your friends about your boyfriend and partner, but it's not open season then on your partner. Right, because the partner isn't the one who did anything. They're not asking for this. Just because he complained about her. It's like, oh, now we get to talk to her however we want. Nope. It's like, aren't you forgetting to ask one person? Nope. Yeah. As whole. Diabolical. Yeah. As whole. And I would do what the top comment says, which is this. Give him some radical honest feedback. He is a shit partner and he is single. Yay. Break up. Let's do it. Break up. You're probably listening to what takes up right? To what takes up. Please find someone who likes those things about you. Like, oh my god, there are people who will think it's endearing. There are people who will think like that you're just a really thoughtful person that you really enjoy your job. There are people who will see that as a positive. So it's actually not just honesty. It's your interpretation. It's your subjective interpretation of her actions. I know. And like, you just look at all of the feedback they gave her. I mean, getting told you're manipulative, controlling. You're a crybaby. You're also boring. It's just like, it's just so toxic. They call it a boring. Oh, and she doesn't want to. Yeah. I mean, I'm reading between the lines here. I'm inferring some things. But there is a comment here that says, I grew up in a toxic family with three bully brothers. It was a game called Make Her Cry. And your boyfriend group calls it brutal honesty. Yeah. If you want to see all hell break loose, try brutal honesty on them because 100% those who dish it out can't take it. Mm-hmm. No, it's interesting that the rule is it becomes open season on everyone's partners, but it's not about any of the people in this friend group who get to have open season on them. Well, and when you're so taken aback in the moment, my brain never would have been able to come up with anything to fire back. Yeah. And you also shouldn't have to be on the defensive and firing back at these people. Like, they're not the one dating you. You don't even have to be my friend. You're my boyfriend's friends. Mm-hmm. So if you don't like me, that's okay. But my partner should like me. My partner should have my back. And so if he doesn't, especially in front of other people, you don't have a partner. I think that's some of the best advice I've seen going around online right now, is like always a united front in public. And then like you can deal with that shit when you get home. Like if you disagree, you get home and you talk about it there. And that's for relationships. That's for parents and their kids. Yeah. If your kid gets in trouble at school, you go in and you have their back and you defend them. Yeah. And then you go home, you're like, hey, that wasn't cool. Like totally, I mean, everything. There's like a chain, I mean, unless the child is being terrible. Yeah. There is like a chance that there are times that she's apologized and it has been manipulative. That is like a thing that people can do. But again, yes, when you get home, you can say to be honest, there was one conversation we had. And this is the feeling I got from it. But like this is an open discussion and we can talk about what your actual intentions behind that were. And if you really just were feeling bad or trying to like get the peace early. But yeah, in public, in front of everybody, and like he's the one causing it. So obviously he's not going to be the one defending her. Mm-hmm. No. Okay. I really hope we get an update on that one. There's nothing to tell you guys about right now. Nine hours old. No comments. No updates. If you're out there, OP, let us know. Please leave him. Please. Please. All I want for Christmas is my two-friend teeth and for you to break up. Oh my God. Okay, I'm moving on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Just like choosing which picture makes the grid, State Farm has options to choose from to help you find the coverage that best fits your needs. Back to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. Also, my friends switched to State Farm and saved a lot. Just a thought. Okay. Number three here. Coming from our slash, am I overreacting? Nine days old. Am I overreacting by being hurt when my husband looked at me with disgust when he was coming out of anesthesia? Oh my God. I know. Yesterday, my husband had a minor outpatient surgery. It wasn't anything life-threatening or super serious. Anyways, before his surgery, we joked about seeing videos of husbands coming out of surgery and being so do-eyed and loving when they see their wives. He wanted me to record him and his reaction when he woke up. As he woke up, I got my phone out and started recording. He looked at me and he couldn't remember me at first. He asked who I was and when I replied that I'm his wife, his lip curled and he had a look of utter disgust on his face. He even said, ugh. I stopped recording and just sat in silence while he went in and out for a while. I got him home and comfortable and then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. Is that what he really feels? Is he disgusted with me? Is he showing his true feelings? Now I'm questioning our whole relationship. Did he settle for me? I am so hurt at this thought. He asked to see the video today and I lied and said I forgot to record it. Oh my God, sweet. He doesn't even know that he did that. I think you showed him the video. But I keep wanting to say he was under anesthesia that wasn't him. But I also, it would be so impossible in this situation to not have feelings about that happening. Yeah. You can rationalize obviously that he was not in his right mind, but that is so hurtful. I think she has to show him and have an actual conversation about it. Because people do and say crazy things coming out of anesthesia. I, someone that had it recently, I don't really remember much and I was wrapping happy feet, like penguin songs. I was so out of it. But that was still true to your heart, I believe. So in that, you would kind of wonder to be like, is this his subconscious coming out? I don't think you need to reconsider your whole relationship, but I can understand why you would be really deeply hurt by it. Like your feelings are so valid. I always think honesty in these situations is kind of the best way forward and just be like, hey, I did record it. However, I stopped recording because of how it went. And now I'm just kind of worried that maybe you just don't think of me the way I thought you did. So I'm going to show you the video and then like, can we talk about it after? Yeah. And then I'm going to show you the video and like see what he says. Absolutely. I mean, this is sort of a nightmare scenario. Like imagine your partner gets amnesia and they wake up and they don't recognize you and they're like, ugh, I'm married to you. I would do it. Oh my god. That would do. There's so many movies on this too. Yeah, because even if that chanting Tatum won, yeah, even if someone doesn't recognize you, they would still be like, oh, but that's a beautiful woman. I don't like, I don't know you. I don't remember you, but like, that's the hope. Like I'm married to you. Oh, god. Yay. Scary. Scary. Which of course, like, they're unlocked. There is still a world in which he was just so out of it and like, maybe couldn't even really see and like, maybe was just having some kind of dream about being single. I don't know. Never know. And it wasn't even about you. It was just like, oh, I'm not actually a bird who can fly through the sky. I'm a man, a normal man who's married. I don't know. It's tough. It could really be nothing, but it would be very hard to get over this and it would be almost impossible to get over this if you don't have a conversation about it because the only person who can make you feel better is him and like having a conversation with him about it. I agree. I wonder if anyone though is going to be on the opposite side of it where it's like, he clearly doesn't mean that. He was coming out of Anastasia. He loves you. How about all of his other actions over the years? Like, you guys are married. Right. So he clearly loves you. I wouldn't even bother. Like, don't even show him that. It's only going to make him feel bad and, you know, just move forward knowing that he was fucked up from the Anastasia. I feel like I could see someone feeling like that's the healthy advice and that's like the advice that I'd love to give. But then the reality of it happening, like once again, I'm just like, that would, that would hurt. If this were me in this situation and it happened with me in Justin, I also know that like Justin would want to know so he could be like, no, I was messed up. Like, that was not me. I'm really sorry. Like, Justin would want to make the whatever between us like better. Yeah. He would want to make sure that like, I'm not hurt. Absolutely. No fault of his own. Like that's not on him. He got Anastasia. And I think but there are some people who, if they experienced this, maybe they wouldn't even question if that was a real thing because they're so confident in their relationship and because they feel so beautiful with their part. I mean, there's a chance that they're already was a dormant fear here or something like that because maybe some of the people giving this advice are imagining this scenario and being like, oh, that would never worry me. Yeah. Like, I know my husband doesn't would never feel that way. You know, I mean, you don't know how you're going to react. I saw a video of a girl the other day and her mom was in the room with her after Anastasia. I think she must have got her wisdom teeth out or something or tonsils. She got her tonsils out and she's just like the whole time like, I'm so mad at you. I don't like you. I love you, but I don't like you right now. Yeah. And her mom didn't do anything, but she was just like, she was pissed. I mean, I could handle that more. Sounds better than, yeah, you're my wife. Yeah. Top comment. For every rainbows and unicorn video, there are 150 moments like this. Anastasia is absolutely wild and his wake up response has nothing to do with how much he adores you. Okay. Good. That's good to hear. Next comment. To add to this, a lot of people have adverse reactions to waking up from Anastasia. I remember when I had my first surgery, they explained to me that the process of waking up from Anastasia can be difficult for some people and they can have a semi-violent reaction. Mm. Generally, it's just people being upset, but it runs the gamut from happy and silly to angry and upset. What I'm really getting at is the reaction is generally one outside of the patient's control. O.P., your husband coming out of Anastasia and looking at you like that almost certainly is just their brain reacting to the medication of sedation, not you. That's true. There is like absolutely a chance, or maybe even more than likely a chance, that the reaction doesn't even directly to her. It's just like to maybe the pain he's experiencing or the confusion or something like that. It's not like looking at you and thinking you gross. I agree. There's so many comments on this of people sharing their stories. Someone says, I woke up from one procedure in love with my doctor. I didn't want to leave without seeing him because I thought he was so beautiful and amazing. This guy was 30 years my senior had a bad ponytail, a dead tooth, and no discernible personality. Oh, God. Long story short. Don't pay attention to TikTok trends. Anastasia is nuts and cannot be used like a truth serum. Wow. This is a very informative comment section. They are on it. They're really on it. They're really trying to like, hey, don't worry about it. Yeah. Someone also says, the major feeling I had coming out of anesthesia was one of nausea. I threw up several times. You may have a mistake in that look of feeling sick to one about you. That is true. That's a very common side effect. Coming out of anesthesia is like nausea, vomiting, crying. A lot of people just cry. Oh, yeah. I think when I got my wisdom teeth out, I was crying about wanting to get chick-flay or something like that. Yeah. What did I want? All I wanted was belly. Pop belly. Yeah, which we had. It was so good. It was ready for you. Oh, my gosh. There's only one response from OP in all of this. I've got to do some digging to find it. But all it said is capybara. Oh. I'm expanding every comment, you guys. What could that possibly mean? I cannot find what capybara is in response to. Wow. If anyone has a guess, but I'm not finding it, I've expanded every comment. I don't see OP anywhere in this mix. So I do hope that this comment section was reassuring for OP. I hope. Because again, this is such a good point in the second comment I think it was about how TikTok isn't real life. Yeah. I think the reason that this hurt so much is because this was led by all of these videos of husbands looking so sweetly at their wives coming out of anesthesia. Yeah. And then you're comparing to that. So you're thinking like, oh, all of these men really, really love their wives. And this must mean my husband doesn't love me in the same way. And that's hard. Oh, comparison, man. It reminds me of a groom sobbing as the bride walks down the aisle or something. And then it's like, oh, if everyone doesn't have the exact same reaction every situation, then that must mean this love isn't as strong or the attraction isn't as strong here. That's true. A lot of people do judge based on stuff like that. Yeah. Like what other people do. That's a really good point. Don't judge. Don't compare. There's some is the thief of joy. Don't do that. But definitely, definitely have a chat with him. And I think it'll get better. Yeah. I think so too. I think they could laugh about it. I think maybe this is one of those situations where a few days go by and like obviously in the moment, it was like, oh, my God, that's not what I was expecting. But a few days later, you bring it up. He's like, oh, I was thinking about. I remember waking up and thinking about being in a dumpster truck or something. I don't know. Like you can laugh it off. Definitely can. I mean, I think that like this isn't divorce worthy. No. Not divorce worthy. You guys will work through this unless there is a court like unless there is a chance that actually he was waking up and disappointed that that was his wife. But that might come out years later. I don't know. We're not going to cause her to spiral totally. It's all good. It's going to be so good. It's fine. It's totally fine. You're not overreacting. Your feelings are valid, but chat with them. Don't hold it against them. Okay. We're going to get into some stories about presence. Okay. You know, I love a good present. Yes. I just like, gift giving is my love language. But for a lot of people, I feel like giving gifts can be really hard. So we're going to get into this. We will have some tips, tricks. Yeah. Some of the people about to come up. Yes. This is coming from the two hot takes subreddit. Six days old, titled, My Husband keeps buying cheap gifts and doesn't get why it hurts my feelings. Hmm. How do I explain this to a man? My husband loves finding a good deal. But his deals aren't like an amazing deal on a good item. He finds cheap versions of the thing and thinks he's saving money. For example, when we were dating, he asked my friends what I would like for my birthday. My friend sent a link to nice paint brushes that I would have liked. Think like a nice brush equals $20. Instead of buying one or two nice brushes, he ended up gifting me a craft store set of kids paint brushes because more brushes equals better deal. As an artist, I couldn't use them for my art. I guess I did get to use them with my nieces though. Another year, we went on holiday and I mentioned liking a beautiful piece of jewelry at an art market and passing and how I regretted not buying it. Again, it was like maybe $60 max. He saw the ring too. He got me a different piece off of Amazon for $15. I told him I liked flowers. He buys me really cheap wilted ones from Walmart. I tried to explain, I don't like generic flowers, I like fun unique flowers and you can buy pretty affordable cool flowers at the farmers market that are actually in season. He still gets Walmart flowers. I appreciate him giving me gifts but it honestly kind of hurts my feelings that he goes cheap every time. We're married and I love him and in every other aspect he's great. I honestly wish he would just save his money and let me buy my own gifts. This year for Christmas, I noticed an Advent calendar was purchased under my Amazon account addressed to his name. I guess he used my account by accident. It was a $10 jewelry Advent calendar. $10 dude and to add salt to the wound, its original price was listed at $20 and he got it on sale for 24 pieces. $10. That's like kids jewelry that turns your skin green. I'm upset how cheap he went and honestly I'm more upset that he wasted $10. That could be a box of donuts. I would rather have donuts and the jewelry are like butterflies, horseshoes, reindeer which aren't my style. I'm hoping it's for our daughter but we already mutually agreed on a book advent for her and I feel like he would tell me if he got her a second one. I'm not the type to care about the dollar amount but I would appreciate it if he put more thought on the gift and not all of his brain power on finding the best discount for himself. It feels almost selfish. Like it's not about what I'd like but instead it's about the satisfaction for him in finding these crazy deals. So how do I bring this up? Do I ask him to return it? How do I let him down nicely? I've brought this concern up before and he says he understands what he keeps doing it. Has anyone else experienced this with their partner? How do I get through to him? This kind of reminds me of how I was at age like 18, 19 and then I feel like there came a point in my life like with clothes or something like forever 21 clothes and then I was like getting trash basically and it's just very wasteful actually to buy cheap stuff that you're never going to use and like isn't good quality. I think buying like one or two really nice quality like the brushes like there's probably streaking off the little the brush hair is when she's using it if these are kids brushes. Yeah. No, you're not going to be able to get a smooth line or like if you're an actual artist the kid brushes are joke a lot of times they're like plastic bristles not actual like horse hair and like nice brushes. Yeah. You don't have to keep buying the same thing every year if you just spent a little bit more money on less one year you could have that for like a decade. It's just it's such a childish way of looking at purchases. It's really weird. I just like and I don't understand. I think across the board I think a lot of people struggle with this when someone very clearly tells you what they want. Hey, this is what would make me feel good. How do you feel the need to not listen to them? Yeah. Like Walmart flowers. I honestly I think you could save money if you went to Trader Joe's and like three different kinds of cool looking flowers because Trader Joe's has really cool flowers a lot of times and you put those together and made a little bouquet. That's going to be cheaper than the bouquet. Typically granted you could go to Walmart and find one on sale discounted ready to go out the door because it's almost dead and it's been there a while. But like typically those bouquets are way cheaper than what you'd find in a grocery store. Like why are you going against what she wants and it's almost it's harder. It's worse quality. Like I wonder if there's any way she could explain this to him that would like if there's any parallel she could draw to something that he uses where it would make like hey you know how if we got plastic forks for all of our meals and they might break and not work well. But if we get one nice metal fork it could last us a very long time. A million years. The same thing is true of my paintbrushes and my jewelry and she's not like a $60 necklace that she thought it was so lovely. It's like yeah that might be a splurge but it's it's something that she could now have as like a key part of what she wears for years to come. And jewelry is like something that you do have a while like it typically lasts for people. Yeah I wonder if there's something he's into where like maybe he's a deWalt tool guy and a biobi like if he had to get a biobi no chance he wouldn't buy a biobi he's a deWalt guy or he's a Milwaukee household like yeah that's his jam. So maybe there's something like that where you could kind of flip it where it's like hey certain times you do splurge like when you got that Milwaukee like drill set. That was really important to you because you recognize the quality behind that brand versus buying you know just the generic lows brand. Like it also doesn't even seem like it's just about it being cheaper. It seems like he's also thinking more equals better and all these like yeah. Like get an advent calendar of cheap jewelry I'm going to get a big box of children's paintbrushes and it's like that is not the key like he it's almost like it's like a scarcity mindset almost where it's like it is cheap but also he's getting a lot of it. Yeah. So then it's like double whammy it's like oh my god cheap. Yay. Also more so you won't run out like right it's like a weird like scarcity mindset in a way. She'd have to be like hey I have done the research on what I want and you might find more more smaller items for less that isn't because I overlooked it. Yeah. That's because it is not as good of a quality it's not going to get the job done that I want. Can you put you know bad gasoline in a nice car. I shouldn't you really shouldn't it hurts it hurts it. That's a good example too. I don't know. Try to think things you might understand. That one would fit. I think this year I would make it kind of a test too where you're like this is what I want for the holidays. Yeah. Here's my list. You can get anything off this list whatever you find meaningful and special to you but like these are items I would really want. Yeah. And if he cannot stick to it this year like I don't know go just go buy yourself your gift after the fact like just take it out of his hands but at the same time it's like why don't you see me. Why don't you see me. Why aren't you respecting me. Why aren't you listening to me. And I saw this tech talk today. It was a girl that works at Ulta and she's like telling this story about a customer that came in and this guy comes in and he's like hey I need to get my wife mascara. What do you recommend? And she goes oh this essence brand or whatever it was. This is great. Another woman stops him and is like no you should get the tart mascara. It's way better. Anyways the lady leaves he goes what should I really get. And she's like well what is your wife like. And he goes oh well you know I've gotten her this essence one before and so the Ulta girl was like we'll get her this one and then also do the tart mascara in the travel size. So then she can try it and she'll have both. And then he's like okay can you help me. I'm going to get my wife some other makeup. And she's like well what is your wife where. What does she want this year. And he goes well you know she told me that she really really really really only wants an Ulta gift card but I'm not getting her gift card. Oh I'm going to get her all the makeup it's fine I'll pick what she. No no no no no no no no yeah stop right there. Oh yeah stop right there. You've been down this road with her for. Right exactly. She wants the gift card because you've botched it before. Yeah. You just need to follow instructions and get her the gift card. But when you're a family, it's like the money that they spend is also your money. So it's like now our money is wasted on makeup that I don't want. If you can just give me the gift card, I can get whatever I want. I don't have to feel bad about it. I'm getting the things that I'm actually going to use. And he could also like, he still doesn't know what to get her. He could go through her makeup drawer. Like he could find out like, I have notes on all my friends of like, do they wear gold jewelry or silver jewelry? Like what do they get from different places? It's like, what's their shoes? Like I'm trying to like, I tried to remember like you have to remember things about people. And if you don't care enough about your wife to like, to know those things, but I don't know, did the lady tell him to just get the gift card? She said that she really tried to convince him to get the gift card, but he refused. And that happens so much, which is like, just please stick to the list. And it's like, I know a lot of people have problems with buying gift cards. Yeah. I love a gift card. Love it. I love the need like that you can't get a gift card. Then I don't know, like maybe get a gift card and a little something like a little cookbook from TV Max or like, hey, maybe a candle and the gift card. Like if you feel the need to physically gift me something, that's not just a gift card. There's other meaningful ways you can do it. And I think you can also go very affordable. Like something I'm doing for people this year is I'm going to make everyone little stockings instead of like doing a bunch of like big gifts because like this year's has been crazy. So I'm doing like little stockings and I'm getting like each person a little gift card that they can go pick out something for themselves like my brother's going to get best by because he's in the video games and whatever. His wife, I'll get her like a spa gift card. And then just like little things like a vintage deck of cards, a vintage matchbook, just stuff you can find on Etsy and eBay that are really cute and thoughtful and also not junk because people don't love junk. Yes. Like the fuck to $24 jewelry pieces for $10. Nope. Now she just has to like either throw that away or like find the bottom of a drawer to clutter with that stuff. She's not going to use that. It is, it does suck when someone just asks for a gift card. But I think, you know, I've done this with my mom like before the holidays will go to the mall together and like I'll be like that and that and that and then she'll like secretly go buy it for me and then like she'll be like, forget what we did here today. And then she'll box that up and that's what I wore open for Christmas, which is like, I, she would ideally just pick stuff out for me, but she wants me to be as happy as I can be. Yeah. No, and it's, I know like you shouldn't have to be dictated what gift you get someone because it is a gift, but it just feels nice to be seen. Yeah. Especially by your partner. Absolutely. It knows you. Maybe the best, hopefully the best loves you, wants to make you happy and feel cherished. And if you're getting someone junk, especially like this story, they're not going to feel the love. And what is it that makes someone think like, oh, they asked for this, but I know better and I'm going to get something else. Pollution. It's just like, yeah. Like in both of these cases, they couldn't have been clearer about like, specifically what they want. And he even like, in the story that we're reading right now, he saw her point out the necklace and based what he purchased off of pointing out that piece of jewelry, but still didn't just get that piece of jewelry. Yeah. No, this is crazy and so confusing. I like, I think there's just like, I think you, you in this story, because this is a listener. It's too hard to accept it. Ooh. I think you need to have a conversation and just like really articulate your feelings. But in the same breath, like don't settle. Like do not keep settling for these gifts. Like he does need a little bit of a wake up call. Like last year Justin did an Advent calendar for me. And your Advent calendars that you do for your partner, like they do not need to be expensive. They can be thoughtful. Like he in one, like of the days would get me like a gift card to go get coffee. And then the next day would be a puzzle piece to like a big present at the very end. I had like put together this puzzle to then get the key to unlock the treasure chest. That's so fun. He put so much effort and love and thoughtfulness into this. Like another one of the days was a t-shirt of like my horse on it. And like that can, you can do that. That's attainable. He still made sure I was getting things that like he knew I wanted. Like the very end, it was a little bit of a splurge for him. It was like a tennis bracelet because mine had been stolen in like one of our house robberies. So it's like just like you shouldn't have to settle. Like that is what love and gift giving should should feel like. And I know everyone's not a good gift giver. It does take practice. Yeah. So start putting yourself in like put me in coach tap in. Right. I know what I want. I'm telling you what I want. I probably. And again, it doesn't need to be insanely expensive or like don't tie finances to it. Because I know everyone right now like a lot of people are in hard spots this year. Yeah. It's the thoughtfulness. It's making sure that person feels seen. Go thrift. Yeah. I'm like, I'm literally thrifting my mother-in-law's Christmas present. Because I know what she wants. And I'm only going to find it at a thrift store. Well, and it's actually better for your money if you buy one thing one time for $60 than like spend $20 this month and $20 again next month. And then you know, like you have to keep trying to cover it. I agree. I'm with you. Top comment. Ask him if he changed his mind about the book for your daughter because you saw the purchases on your Amazon. And that it has to be sent back nonetheless because cheap jewelry is dangerous for both kids and adults. Also add that you save money for your family, not on it. Whoa. Next comment. Gift him things that you want. Quote. Here, babe. A nice set of new bed sheets in the quality I like. Oh, be your swans. Not a bad idea. Someone says, ah, my oldest daughter and you would get on well. LOL. Her partner loves a bargain. One year for her birthday, he gave her a mop and a bucket set, a really cheap nasty set. He was extremely lucky. He didn't get the handle of that mop dot, dot, dot. Well, you get the idea. LOL. My daughter would then shove an advertisement pamphlet under his nose with what she wanted circled. He was told in no uncertain terms that any deviation from that circled item would result in a mop handle coming in a play. Seriously though. You told him how it made her feel like he didn't value her at all. He has slowly learned. He got down on one knee last year and proposed with an expensive ring. So he's learning. There is hope. Yeah. I mean, maybe these people can just get into extreme couponing when it comes to groceries and then when it comes to gift giving, hey, that's when we spend money on those that we love. We can save on triskits and biscuits. Oh my God. I like really the extreme couponners. That stuff's crazy. Yeah. But that's a good area to do it. You can save in all other areas in life that aren't gifts for your family and friends. Let those savings spread to items that like really matter. Yeah. Absolutely. So it seems like this next comment is responding to like, has anyone been through this? Like, what did you do? And they say, I was finally unpleasant about it. He now buys exactly what I asked for. I just got tired of getting almost what I wanted. I think it's worse than nothing at all. Yeah. And I think that's what's hard is like, you don't want to be mean about a present that was given to you. And you can tell that like, with these gifts, there is some thought to it. It's not like he's getting her these completely random things that she would never want. They're within the realm of something she would want. And in his mind, it seems like he's thinking, oh, I'm going to do something really awesome and actually get her 24 brushes for the same price. And that's hard to be like, oh, I didn't want this actually. Don't get me this. Don't do this again. But I think eventually after like trying to give that hint gently and not being taken, like, yep, being a little bit unpleasant about it might be what you have to do. Like, I'm not going to use these. This is going to create more waste. I really would have just liked one pretty necklace. Yeah. Well, in response to that comment, someone goes, how did you go about it? Details, please. And that person responds, I flipped one Christmas day. And I told him to take it all back. That I didn't want these crappy things. And that if he didn't want to buy me decent presents, it was better to buy me nothing. Not my best behavior. Someone responds, proud of you. Next person goes, but it worked. Yeah. Yeah, it has to be like that at some point because you're both, I mean, you're just going to continue being unhappy and suffering in silence and like, they're going to continue to not really understand. Someone does comment here, I had a boyfriend like this. He didn't buy me things but always bought the cheapest thing for himself. He only bought grapefruit juice when I was on sale. I had to convince him that he has enough money and if he prefers grapefruit juice to just enjoy his life and get the juice he likes, he grew up very poor and every penny mattered. He wore his clothes until they had holes and then added patches to them. It was hard for him not to think this way. OP responds, I think you nailed it. My husband grew up poor and although his parents are pretty well off now, they all sort of kept that mentality. I just don't know how to make him realize that buying super cheap things isn't good in the long run. Yeah. Sounds like they have to have a serious conversation about adult spending. We get an update. Oh, yeah. This has popped up since I opened this post. My God. Update edit. This got so many more replies than I expected. Thank you to those who provided actual advice and shared your pain with me. People good knowing others went through something similar and figured out a solution that worked in your relationships. So a day after posting this, I did what a lot of you suggested and brought up the mysterious advent calendar that popped up on my account. He looked nervous and tried to pretend that it wasn't him. I think he meant it to be a surprise for me and got caught a lowell. I told him although it was a nice suggestion. I'm a 30 year old woman and I have no use for cheap jewelry. At first he was a little hurt and offended, but I tried to explain to him that he basically got me jewelry that's cheaper than the toys you get out of a gumball machine. Yeah. Wow. That's a crazy comparison. Like less than 50 cents a piece. His thought was it would be fun to open for advent and I could wear it for the day and throw it away. And I replied that that is super wasteful and I would never enjoy a gift like that. I told him next time for $10 I'd prefer something edible instead so we can all enjoy it together and it wouldn't be a waste. I asked if he would enjoy 24 watches that cost 50 cents each and he agreed that sounds crazy when I put it like that. Yep. Yep. That parallel. I told him all future advent we should discuss together and decide what together as a family so we can enjoy it all together. I could tell I heard his feelings a little bit but after mulling it over for the remainder of the night he came and apologized before we went to bed. He admitted he just wasn't really thinking saw the deal and bought it and thankfully it's Amazon so he returned it. We also discussed making wish list to share with each other and keep it strictly to the list. So we'll see if that works. I know you guys wanted some more drama but we do love each other and he is a good guy. We both grew up in poorer families and that does affect how we view purchases and etc. I just swung to the other spectrum of buying really nice pieces but few of them and he swung to the other end of let's find the best deal we can. So that is all hopefully this will be a more permanent solution that works. Well I'm happy. I don't think anything was ever ill intentioned. No. I really I did not read this update and I just could feel the scarcity mindset but if that's if I could use the why is he like buy something that you throw away each day. I don't know. It's something dude psychologically like me and Lauren both really struggle with this. Like we talk about it quite a bit but like we have a lot of like trauma surrounding money because of like our childhoods and like things that happen growing up so like money for us it's like it's just a really hard conversation. It's a hard thing to navigate. We have a lot of like scarcity mindset, mentalities, like food like I will I can't throw food out like I have to eat it like I'm just like it's just I'm goofy. I would fully recognize him goofy so I feel like I probably recognize myself and him a little bit and like there's just something psychologically about getting a deal. I don't think really in the moment necessarily consider like how cheap it could be or like maybe it won't work as good. Like I think little things even like a swiffer like a wet jet versus the swiffer and you're like well that one saves me 40. But if you invest and get like something a little more expensive it'll last a lot longer. I think vacuums are a good example of that. Yeah. A cheap vacuum that's a hundred dollars versus meh you ball out and you maybe get the Dyson. Mm-hmm. My Dyson's lasted me six years. Yeah. Still going strong sucking a lot. So sucks everything sucks at all. And I so good at that. I like post on this on my stories like maybe two years ago when I needed help buying a new vacuum and everyone like was raving. They're like team shark team Dyson team a different one Hoover like vintage hoovers were getting thrown out there. And recently I bought a shark for my house in Minnesota because like the vacuum there broke. I went to Costco and I buy the shark. I don't know how you shark girlies are doing it. That shark did not suck up anything. I'm loyal to Dyson Dyson. I'm here if you want to sponsor me. Wow. It's like her. Send some air wraps. I do. So that was on my that's on my Christmas list. That's like the one I said I want one thing. This is it. And it's at Costco right now. Really good black Friday sales on that too. Really. Yeah. Really good price at Costco. With Costco you usually get I don't know if it counts on that. But if you buy like appliances or like like a vacuum or whatever you get an additional year warranty on top of the manufacturers. Oh. I know that through Costco. It's awesome. Costco. Costco. Rocks the call. I love the call. My dad kicked me off his membership finally at the age of 31. Oh my god. So I need to go get my own membership now. I have my roommate as my plus one on my Costco membership. That's really good. Nice of you. Thank you. That's really nice of you. I didn't realize you could do that. But I added my mom on mine. Mm hmm. I'm going to I just got to go in and take my new picture. And then I get my new card finally my own account like a big girl. Oh my god. It's like health care all over again. Yeah. Health care. Especially right now. Woo. Marketplaces and nightmare. If you want to save a few quid British gas have a way you get half price lucky and it's called peak save. On every Sunday it's the smart thing to do if you're regular folk or furry and blue. 11 till 4 let the good times begin. You could charge up the car or take the dryer for a spin. Half price electricity. What joy that brings with British gas peak save we're taking care of things. And see supply eligible tafs and smart meter required. Okay. Let's get into this one. Okay. Well turkey day drama. Wow. Gobble gobble bitches. This one's coming from am I over reacting three hours old. Oh my god. This feels I need to read I'm scared to refresh. I'm going to I'm like three hours. That's it. It is six hours old now. Wow. I found it a couple hours ago. And it's titled am I over reacting to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I'm an embarrassment or not having a husband and kids by now me. I'm 35 female and single for three years. I was engaged but he Charles was doing weird sexting role play with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It fucked me up and yes I've been in therapy. I've dated since but nothing serious. I have never had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way that she said don't shoot the messenger. It's clear that the rest of the family have been talking about me and she was the one elected to say it. I don't want to drive two hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch. Would I be overreacting for not going is that too much. I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you ever say this to your daughter like I have a good job. I'm educated. I have friends and hobbies. I own my own condo and I have three car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids. I don't know. I'm pissed. Yeah. This is this is so mean. It's also just like have you considered that I'm happier now than I was back then. Does that matter to you? Would you rather I be miserable and have a significant other than be happy and be alone? I think it's really hard as a 35 year old woman and any age woman when you start going home and I don't know the years are passing and you're still not bringing anyone back. But I think especially because she was engaged. I think they like saw her so close. Yeah. But it's just like, I know. I was like, how do you even know her goal in life is to have kids. Maybe she doesn't want kids and that's okay. Like, not everyone needs to have a kid. Like, I hate like how much pressure we put on people to like do these like traditional things. It's like, that's not a measure of success for me. That's your measure of success. That's what you wanted for your life. But it's okay if I don't want that for mine. And there's so much pressure put, I think specifically on women like your biological clock is ticking. Oh, you're 32. Like, are you getting ready to have kids when you have kids? Like, as soon as getting married, that's been like everyone's question now. It's like, when you have kids, are you going to start trying? Are you having kids yet? Yeah. What are you thinking about? Oh, you don't want to glass a wine? Are you pregnant? Are you pregnant? Yeah. Are you craving a little extra chocolate today? Are you pregnant? I think today I'm organ, are you pregnant? No. God damn, I'm just in my bloat era. Like, no. And I just like, men's biological clocks tick too. Yeah. In a different way. In a different way. Yeah. Everything basically, all issues basically increase as men get older because their sperm quality goes way down. So, I know. Come at him. Come at him. Honestly? Come at everybody. Going home the last couple of years. They're harassing me about this, but they will make comments about, oh, it would be so nice, you know, to see you with also someone here. If you were bringing someone home. And I'm like, finally starting to understand that in all of those holiday movies where people make some kind of contract to pretend to be in a relationship to go home for the holidays, like, oh, I actually get why they did that. Like, I've always seemed like such a funny random concept when I was growing up that they would do this. Like, can you just be, pretend to be my girlfriend or my fiance for the holidays when I go home to see my family? And I was like, that seems dramatic, but now I'm like, we ain't it. I can't why they're doing that. Michaela might be hiring this season. I might be hiring this season. She might need a little buddy. A little face. She might be my partner. Yeah. They would love that. Oh, my God. They'd be so happy. They'd be like, Michaela, you're finally dating again. This is all we could ever hope just kidding. They would be really, they'd love it though. Yeah, I just think, I think it's hard because especially in this last sentence, she's listing all of the things that she's doing so well right now, which I feel confirms that like, she's living the life that she wants to be living. Even if she really did want to be partnered right now, these comments still wouldn't help make that happen faster. Nope. And it's like, I can't force like a beautiful relationship upon myself. I could try to date more, but like, ultimately you're kind of trying to get me to settle for someone that's not going to make my life as good as the perfect person could be. Oh. And also, I'm like, yeah. If I started dating, right? And I waste two years, let's say on maybe someone who isn't my perfect person, maybe the perfect person was a year and a half away. And I'm actually just in yourself to make something work. And now I'm 10 years out from my perfect, because I missed that one and a half year one. That's a really good point. I think that's what a lot of people don't realize too when it comes to like, sunken cost fallacy. Like the opian, this story is so on it. Like yeah, the fact that they were like, why would I have wanted to stay in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch? Literally. She's like, I'm not going to waste any more time. But I think there's also the flip side of that where someone could have been like, I've been in this relationship for two years. I'm in this deep blah, blah, blah, blah. You can't think sunken cost fallacy and like hope and like bank on potential because being with that person could be blocking you from a bigger blessing. Like don't block your own blessing. Like don't do that. Yeah. Bye, bye, bye. There's such a like thing of if you've suffered for something, you in your mind have to make it have more value, which is like true of fratts and like hazing and like all of these different things where because you had this tough initiation into it, you're like, now I want to hold on to it tighter because who am I if I let myself suffer for something that isn't even that great? Like how stupid must I be? And we don't want to think that way about ourselves. It's like almost like a cult mentality. Yeah. Like getting sucked in a little bit. We do, I will say. We do have a screenshot of mom sent. So this is all coming from mom. Okay, there's like four different text bubbles here. Oh my God. Sorry, this hurts your feeling. It's time for some tough love. You made a big mistake when you broke it off with blank. I know you don't like what he did, but giving up over it was stupid. Everyone else has a family. Your sister, your brother, cousins, doesn't that make you feel embarrassed to be the only one without a family? Doesn't make you feel lonely. Fuck this one. Oh my God. To be the only one without a family. Oh, I sorry. I actually kind of thought I did have a family. I don't know though. Doesn't it make you feel lonely? No, actually I feel less lonely than I ever did. You are too old for roommates. It's time to grow up. Just my two cents. Don't shoot the messenger. Love you, sweetie. Just something to think about. No, she shouldn't go to Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be this person. They will your mother being this person. Bitch. Oh my God. What an awful way to talk to somebody. Doesn't that make you feel embarrassed to be the only one without a family? Are you not my mom or those on my brothers or those on my sister? And it's so sad. That is my family. Like OP actually seems pretty proud of herself. She's talking about all of her accomplishments. She's made a good life for herself. And actually she should be. Car cat. She should be so proud of the fact that she left that guy. Yeah. And it sucks. It sucks that the people around her aren't actually that something you should be proud of instead of you should be ashamed of it. What treatment are you okay with? Sorry. I actually want to be happy more than I want people to see me as having one in life because I have the traditional partner that everyone thinks is what I'm supposed to do. That's so despicable the way that she spoke to her. It's so bad. It's so bad. Like just not her fault too. She wanted it to work out with that guy. She didn't choose for him to do that. No, I'm sure she loved him. But why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and is cheating and doing whatever online? Like no. Oh my god. On a video game though. So this come on. Come on. Like love is so, so magical when it's equal and balanced and like you just feel like good. Love shouldn't make you feel bad. Shouldn't make you untrustful. I don't know what the word is. Distrustful. Yep. Yep. You think it should all be like positive. Like is it going to be hard at points? Yeah. Are you going to fight? Yeah. Are you going to have health issues? Probably. Like, yeah, you're going to go through all this shit. But like make sure you're with the right person when you go through all this bad shit because if you're with the wrong person, the bad shit will be 20 times worse. I remember going through a really hard time in my life right after I had a breakup and thinking, thank god I went through this breakup before this happened because if I were still with him right now, the situation would be so much worse because I'd feel so much lonelier and like I would just feel so much like sadder if I still had this person in my life, which feels counterintuitive. Like the having someone would make you less. It makes complete sense. Yeah. It really does because you have that thing that you're going through on top of dealing with this like other person. I think that like you see it a lot with moms. Not like have kids, but then they're also like parenting their partner. Yeah. And then it's just like you don't have two kids. You've got three. Rope your husband in because you're doing everything. It's like your life becomes easier, co-parenting, then being his mom and doing everything yourself. Like I just, it's, I totally yes, that makes so much sense. I think it's hard because again, this is OP's mom. So it's like this is some of the only family she has. I think in the ideal scenario, you would like make her understand and see things from your perspective, but it's just so hard to reason with someone who fundamentally doesn't get it. But it's like talking down to you and being in the life of someone who wants to make you feel bad about yourself is just like now she has to, I don't know, just she have to cut out this person too. Like she has, she's already had to cut out this horrible partner. Now she has to cut out her mom. Like how many people does she have to cut out who are just like dragging her down? I don't know. So sad. I think mom definitely needs a timeout. Yeah. Like maybe you don't have to cut her out completely and go to contact, but maybe it's a low, low contact situation. Yeah. I know mom was like, don't shoot the messenger, but I don't think you should automatically assume everyone in your family feels the same way. Like your mom could just truly be deranged and also like, whatever. Like don't maybe cut everyone else off so quickly unless you feel that no, everyone is talking about you. And yeah, but I agree with the top comment, which basically just says, not overreacting. I would not attend any holidays or other events at her place. She's not the messenger. She's the problem. I know I, I think I would in this situation have a serious conversation with her and maybe my other family members of like, look, I know my life may not look like the life you would want to have, but I'm proud of myself and I'm happy right now. And the things that you're telling me I need to do are the things that would actually make me less happy. So if you can't understand that and if you're going to keep looking down on me, then I don't know how we can have a positive relationship. You know, you really need to like set the boundary with her and like, hey, this is not appropriate. Like this is not okay. This is cruel. This is, and I'm not sad. No. No. A lot of people are in the comments saying 100% I'd be screenshotting this and sending it in a group chat to the whole family. Sorry guys can't make it this year. Next comment came here to say exactly this. I would screenshot send it in a group chat to everyone who will be attending and make plans to be elsewhere on Thursday and not responding to your phone. All the other guests should either feel like shit and or let mom have it for being a jerk. Next comment came to say this share with your siblings and sit this year out. I would put money on them being horrified by this message. Next comment, I would be sharing this with the entire family all caps, siblings, aunts, cousins, grandparents, everyone. Damn, that's so funny. I probably wouldn't be that messy, but like if she did, I'd be cheering her on. I'm kind of down for it because I feel like you should almost know one way or another because that this place. Yeah, the mom's pulling everyone else into it and acting like they're co-signing this. Yeah. I really feel in my gut. She's just kind of like delusional self-centered and like just like don't shoot the messenger. Like I already know everyone's thinking it. Like she wants to almost have that protection of like kind of splitting the blame on everyone else. But I really don't think everyone else has been this dramatic. Like I mean there's a chance one or two of them, but it's like not the whole fucking family. Like surely someone or at least a couple people in the family would see the way that the mom is talking and be like this is not cool or understand that like that guy sucked. And that's what I'd be talking about. Yeah. Like Kayla, I'm so glad she got out that guy was a puke. Yeah. Hopefully she finds someone else that's better. Someone so lovely. That's the extent that you would talk. Like God, thank God she dodged that bullet. Oh, he has a lot of comments. Oh, wow. A lot of comments. And I was like, yeah, your mom's right. You shouldn't live with roommates. And Opie's like, I'm guessing you don't live in a city because 35 with roommates is completely normal here. What you said, is this the six hour old one? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Opie I think like immediately just kind of was like, I need to talk to people. Right. Like just anxious or something because like, I mean, that's going to be. That's what I'd be talking to. Talking as I relate to it. It basically kind of highlights what he was doing. He was spending his time doing creepy nasty gross sexting shit through a video game with a bunch of strangers straight up. Unforgivable, degenerate shit. Not Catholic. Someone knew what he was actually involved in and Opie goes, yep, that's the one. He got really into it and had a whole secret discord account for his disgusting behavior. Wait, what is it that he was into? They name a game and the person is like, was this game blank? I don't even know what it is. FF XIV Final Fantasy Final Fantasy 14. Yes. There you go. I love Final Fantasy. Wait, what are they doing on Final Fantasy? I'm not sure what just disgusting behavior, but the person does say, because I role play on there a lot and have met people that would hide it from their partners. You're definitely not overreacting. Also if you read your partner's messages to people and they're saying very gross sexual things to other people, I think it's very valid to be like, I cannot look at you the same. This was an end point for me. Yeah, Opie does say, you're right. I don't have proof that it's all of them. I'll probably end up talking to my sister after the holiday to find out. It scares me to think about her saying that she agrees though. I'm not child-free. I'm just child-agnostic. If it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. Child-agnostic is like funny. Really? Why do I love that? Someone was like, is your mom drunk? I know P's like, it's entirely possible except I hope not because she texted me this morning and I want to hope she doesn't drink before noon. My mom is definitely someone who's male-centered. Her entire life is all about my dad and every single thing is oriented around him. I've gone out shopping with her to catch up and all she will talk about is your father this and your father that. I'll ask her what she is up to and she just turns it right back into what she's doing for him. It did kind of feel like I do feel like there was this weird mother-in-law, son-in-law thing that she had about her daughter's ex-partner that was like, oh no, he was so great. You just don't understand him. He was amazing. You really screwed up losing that guy. It makes me almost wonder too. Hey, mom, what have you put up with? Yeah, no. Oh my God, I was thinking that too. What have you put up with for you to give me this advice? I'd be like, oh, that's totally fine. Goofy. You're the one who's in the wrong for leaving him. Yeah, I'm not seeing. There's a lot of other comments just kind of in response to people. Again, still keeps calling their ex-sojourate little bitch, but says that they doubt he's a peto. Oh, that's positive. That looks good. Oh, doubt. I doubt he's a peto. When did that even become a part of the... I think people are being like, oh yeah, I don't know. I think people are inferring. Oh, because it's on a video game and a lot of people might be younger on the video game. I don't know. Jesus. Wow. We're moving along. Well, I'm happy for her. I feel like, I think, yeah, I think this will be good. And it sounds like this is someone who's actually a very strong person with good boundaries and respects herself. And ultimately, she's going to have her shit together. I think so. I think this is a growing thing. Is it hurtful? Yes. Is it right, your mom said this? No, but I think now going forward, you'll have better boundaries. Don't respond to her. Don't go to Thanksgiving. Just move on and just try to be happy. Life is too short. Fuck it. I also hate when people just put pressure on you and like, when are you getting married? When are you doing this? It's like, fuck, I don't know. If it happens, it happens. I'm fine for now. I'm not agnostic. That one's going to sit with me for a while. I like that one. Peace. It's time to have another go. Another morning. Another reminder, there's a gap to be careful of. But maybe it's time to bridge the one between your nine to five and your dream of living life on your own terms. At HSBC, we know ambition looks different to everyone. Whether it's retiring early or leaving more for your family, we can help. Because when it comes to unlocking your money's potential, we know wealth. Search HSBC wealth today. HSBC UK. Opening up a world of opportunity. HSBC UK current account holders only. OK. This one is coming from AITAH 4-HOURZOLD. Titled, Am I the asshole for not taking down pictures of my family in my own home to make my son's new wife feel more comfortable? I late 50s am a picture person. I have hundreds up in my home. It started when I was caring for my aunt with Alzheimer's and has just gone from there. I have three kids and four grandkids, and as you can imagine, I love having photos of them up in my home. My middle son, Gavin 27, is no longer with my four-year-old grandson, Tommy's mom Helena. They're still friendly and co-parent well, and I see her often enough because I help with Tommy. Last year, he married Chery, also 27, after only being together a few months. But she seemed sweet and like she makes him happy. We had no issues until this summer, when my son asked me to take down any and all pictures that Helena was in to make Chery more comfortable. I don't have any of her alone, just a few of the entire family, and a few when Tommy was younger that my son is also in. I said no, it's my home, and I like having them up. I certainly have added many with Chery in them, but it's silly to take some down just because Helena and Gavin are no longer together. It's still a part of our family history. He asked again a few weeks ago, and I gave him the same answer, and told him that I would be happy to explain that to Chery, but he dropped it. He called me yesterday, and told me that it was the last time he was going to ask the pictures needed to come down, or Chery wouldn't come to our home anymore. I told him that was ridiculous, and he said that I was important to him because they made Chery jealous and it was affecting the way that she was treating Tommy. Oh, I am appalled. Apparently Tommy mentioned a picture in my house and Chery threw a fit, and Gavin says that it's making his life difficult. He brought it up around my daughter, the oldest, who told her younger sister as well, and they both agree Chery is being ridiculous. I told him, if your wife is treating Tommy poorly because of some pictures in my home, then you need to rethink if this is the right person. Obviously, he disagrees, but has been hounding me leading up to Thanksgiving. My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists, but has also pointed out that they are married and we should pick our battles. I'm wondering if I'm missing the forest for the trees. I don't... If Chery can't even handle a picture of Helen or Helena. Helena? Helena? How is she going to co-parent with her? This is a part... Not even just a part of your family history, it's a part of your current family. This is the mother of your stepchildren. You're going to have to see her. This mindset that if you can just get rid of photos of her, you won't have to think about it anymore. It's only going to get worse and worse from there. She needs to get used to the photo. She needs to get used to the person. Unless Helena did some terrible, terrible thing and was abusive and awful, then I would understand wanting the pictures being removed. No, if this is just a normal, former relationship, which sounds like it is, there's no mention of like, oh, they ended poorly and maybe she's trying to defend my son, Gavin. No, this sounds like a jealous and secure witch. And if you start changing your behavior and taking things out on a baby, he's four. Oh my God. A little nugget. Yeah. Like, come on, grow up. Also because of how is it like because of the photo? Like this is a real person who actually is the, like, how is a photo, the line that you're drawing at like, now you're upset about it? You have to co-parent with this person forever. Yeah. Like, this person is in your life. Why are you threatened? You won. You're married. You have him. And if you feel so threatened that you have to worry about him, you probably don't want him. Like, that's just a good rule of thumb. I understand where OP is at, not wanting to take these pictures down, especially because like a lot of these pictures didn't sound like they were of just Tommy and Helena. Yeah. Like, it sounds like they were old family photos. And, you know, I would say like, hey, maybe move those pictures of Tommy, Helena, Gavin. Maybe those ones could go in your office. But sure. If they're full family photos where it's like, it's all of your kids, all of their partners. That's the only photo you have of them at that age. You're not going to then take every photo that's like that off your wall over the years. Yeah. And Photoshop, Helena out. Like, it's Tommy's mom. She's in all of your lives. And if you are this threatened, you need to go and get some help. Yeah. It's not going to be me. It's not going to be me taking my pictures off the walls in my home, my own home. Yeah. This sounds like a dangerous person. Just to the point of taking it out on the child, like, I agree. There is something very wrong here. Very, very wrong. Like, I'd deeply unhinged. And OP does have an edit, just a quick edit. If there was abuse, I would have already called CPS. Sherry has decided that when Tommy is there, she will make herself sparse and not be involved with him anymore. I have told Gavin that's not acceptable. And he says he's working on it. But there's nothing to report. And Helena knows all of this. Oh my God. Team Helena. Fuck it. Absolutely. Gavin. So when the child is at like their house, she's just ignoring him. Doesn't help if he wants to snack, doesn't engage with him. You signed up for a marriage with someone who has a child. And an ex-wife. If you didn't want to be a stepmom, you couldn't handle being a stepmom. Yeah. Don't sign up to be a stepmom. You're 27. You could have found someone who didn't have any past entanglements. Totally. You could have found a virgin if you wanted. You could have dated someone who has been saving themselves until marriage. So you had no one to worry about if you're that insecure. Maybe. I haven't met one, but I bet that. We also, I don't know. I'm like, we live in LA. I don't know. There's people saving in LA. No, they're for sure are. I kind of like, I wonder what that experience would be like. Like in hindsight, I had sex way too young. I do wish I would have waited longer, like a lot longer. I mean, I was in ninth grade when I started having sex. Like, that's just so young. I mean, it's young, but it's not unheard of. Not unheard of, but I just wonder what it would feel like to be, to have your first time be in love or I don't know if I can wait in love. I mean, I was in love, but like where my prefrontal lobe was maybe a little one to be loved. Oh. Yeah. I don't know if there's anyone out there that's waiting until married. That is a strong person. Strong. That is just that, what will power? They must have a lot of toys, I would hope. Good for you. It's hard. It's really hard. Top comment on this one. Quote, my husband is also on the side of, we do not negotiate with terrorists. Fucking MVP. I love that saying. I say that constantly. Mm-hmm. I love it. I'm like, I just like, I hope that one is never at a point where we can't say because it is a good one. Next one down. The rotted wench is treating her new steps on like trash and using pictures as an excuse. Even if the pictures come down, the terrorist will ask for more. And the next thing you know, Tommy won't even be able to mention his mother. Then it'll be Tommy's mother can't come to the house to pick him up finally. Tommy should go live with his mother. Gavin married an asshole. Yeah, absolutely. That's the thing is like, if you're having such a problem with the pictures, it's not going to get better just by removing the pictures. No, because if you give in to that, it's, you're going to be given into other things. It's like, if you give a mouse a cookie or, yeah, if you give them an inch, they take a mile. Like she's not going to let it end with this. And these are pictures that are not even in their home, right? And it's okay if Tommy wants a picture of his mom in his room, Tommy should be able to see his mom in pictures around a house where he lives. Absolutely. This is like such a recipe for a toxic co-parenting situation. It's like, how is Tommy going to feel hearing like his mom is a topic they can't talk about half the time? Kids pick up on it. Like kids pick up on this. You feel it? I was this kid. I've talked about this on the podcast, but like I made a comment when my stepmom was cutting my French toast. And I was like, oh, my mom cuts it like this. It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I still remember sitting at the table. Like I remember the table and what it looked like. I remembered the chairs. Like I remember everything. Yeah. And it's just like, I was little. I was like, maybe the same age. I wasn't even in school yet because I would go down there and like stay down there long periods of time. But it's just like, what? It's disgusting. Like what? And then it hurts the kid mentally, emotionally. Yeah. It's not good. So no, I wouldn't take the pictures down. I just, I will hold you fast on that. Yeah, you have to make your stand. Do you have to make your stand there? A lot of people are worried about like OP getting cut off from Tommy, like the little one. And OP's like, that's not going to happen. Like I see my grandson daily and have a wonderful relationship with both of his parents. I'm not worried about him cutting me off like everyone else says. Someone goes, do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your son and grandkids? Take the damn pictures off the wall and make your son's life easier. No. Or the asshole. No. And OP goes, no, that's just giving it into her piss poor behavior. I'm not trying to start a precedent that Sherry can hulk over the slightest annoyance and get her way. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. I think you got to hold strong. Um, OP's like, I'm not holding any money over his head. Like, it's all good. I picked Tommy up from preschool every day. They depend on me. There are pictures of Sherry up. Yes, I don't have any pictures of just Helena or just Helena and my son in them, just larger family shots. Like again, kind of hammering at home. And like, I wouldn't touch those fucking pictures. Yeah. Her shooters off in the foot and destroy her own relationship. And I hope your son wakes up and sees it. I mean, and also, didn't they say this was like, like a very short relationship before they got married in like a couple months? This just seems like a disaster. Wait. Yeah. I like, I know everyone kind of chimes in and has their own stories about this. Like, I really do think you should wait at least a year before marrying someone. Like, you don't really even know them until like nine months to a year. And I know everyone always has like their like exceptions to the role of like, well, I'm ever husband after two weeks and we're still together 14 years later. Yeah. That's cool. But for the average person, they don't get that lucky. Yeah. And I would rather be safe than sorry. Mm-hmm. I'd wait a little bit. Absolutely. Just seems like a disaster that's not waiting to happen. It's like begun happening. And it's just going to get worse. Yeah. I think so. Okay. We're moving into this next one here. I'm going to give you a choice. Okay. Okay. Option one. Am I the asshole for freaking out after finding a secret group chat between my boyfriend and my mom? That sounds like a pretty good one. Or option two. Am I the asshole for not allowing my daughter-in-law to join a camping trip and doubling down on it? I think the first one, group chat. Okay. Here we go. I am 27 female. My boyfriend is 29 male and we've been together for three years. We do not live together, but he stays over a lot and we're pretty serious. My mom and I are close, but she can be kind of controlling and likes to know everything. This weekend, she asked a borrow my old iPad so she could watch Netflix and bed. I had not used it in months, so I just handed it to her no big deal. Tonight, I picked it up to charge it and saw a banner from Messages pop up at the top. It was from a chat with my boyfriend and my mom. Title was literally helping her get it together. I know I should not have, but I opened it. Come on. There were weeks of messages. My boyfriend venting to my mom that I am too sensitive and spiraling again when I get anxious. I'm telling her I hate my current job and they need to push me to apply for something more stable. My mom sending long paragraphs about how I need structure, how I am messy, how I never finish things that I start. Oh my God. At one point, he wrote that sometimes he feels more like my babysitter than my partner and my mom replied with a laughing emoji. They also talked about how to present it so she doesn't melt down. Oh my God. I feel humiliated and weirdly ganged up on. I get that people vent, but this feels like two of the closest people in my life building a case file on me. I also struggle with anxiety and I have been in therapy, which they both know. I have not confronted either of them yet because I honestly feel shaky and kind of numb. Am I the asshole if I call them both out and say that this crossed a massive boundary? Or am I overreacting? And this is just normal carrying talk behind my back? No, because the laughing emoji response, I feel like confirms that this is not just like concerned carrying talk about her. That's like, oh, we're talking shit. We are gossiping about this bitch. Oh my God. This reminds me of honestly, like the story where the mom was mad that her daughter broke up with her partner because it's like, why are you on my partner's side and like not on mine? And I guess this is neat, like in the same way, like an issue between the partner and OP. This is just like a completely shocking thing. But I can't imagine this. This is like there's this can't be healthy. There's a way if you're like, if you're genuinely worried about some kind of like addictive behavior or something like really serious, I can understand, you know, talking on this side and being like, we might need to have an intervention or blah, blah, blah. But this again sounds like it's just making fun of her personality. Yeah. Kind of everything about her too. And like the minute my partner goes to my mom and says, you know, I feel like her babysitter a lot of times. Whoa. I mean, this person is 27. Like, are they not an adult? Yeah. Everyone like has their own struggles. Like she says I have anxiety. I've been a therapy. I'm working on it. It's almost like I don't want to be with someone who starts looking at me like I'm a child or like I'm their burden. I don't want to be a burden to you. I want a partner. I want to build this life and go through life together. But if you feel like you're my babysitter, that's kind of a problem. And the group chat name, what was she needs? She needs to get it together. Quote. Helping her get it together. That does not sound like genuinely wanting the best for someone. That sounds like they talk shit about her and it makes them feel good. And this is funny to them. I mean, I'm, this is labyrinthic of the things they're saying to each other. This would break my heart also. Too sensitive, spiraling again when I get anxious. She's messy. She never finishes things that she starts. She needs structure. I am an adult. Like also is this my parents talking about me and am I like 12 years old? How is this a conversation between my mom and my partner? What is so weird? That is bizarre. He almost like, I mean, he's two years older. Like their age gap's great. They've been together three years. So like solid footing, all the way on age wise and like maturity wise. But it's almost like he kind of like looks down on her. Absolutely. Like he's very almost condescending where it's like, oh, she's spiraling again. Exiting. Like, yeah, both of them. It's very condescending in a way. Yeah, absolutely. They're in there laughing about it. Dude, no. Not the asshole if you call them out. It really would. I think this is like a big breach of trust between you and your partner. Yeah. If your partner feels like you're not carrying a load fairly or, hey, you know, like, you're not handling your stress well. I think you need to continue with therapy and develop more positive coping skills. Like that's fine for them to feel that. But they should be communicating with you about it. Yeah. Not venting to your mom. Absolutely. O.P. was again, like actually doing something really bad or really dangerous. And they were genuinely concerned. I think this could be a very different story, but it doesn't feel like that's true on either front. Like they, I don't know. No, no. So I've got comments sorted by best. Okay. I think when this post was starting out, because it is only six hours old right now. And I think I said it comes from the two outtake subreddit. I forgot. Maybe I didn't. This is from the two outtake subreddit, guys. Someone posts this response into here, because I think people were questioning like, is this even real? Like, this is crazy. And someone says this, I mean, this might be a bot, but I'm 1,000 percent a real human. And I just found out that this was going on with me Saturday night. And it's been for years. And my mom just wildly shares the most insane personal details, like, quote, remember when she used to cry all the time? Now she's crying watching Toy Story 3. Oh my god. It was my first time. It was my first time seeing it. The end is emotional, the hell. So I don't know if this is a bot, but it really does happen. Someone responds, this sounds so violating. I'm really sorry you had to find out like that from your own mom. This is terrible. And I do, I don't think this is even that far, Fetch. No. Like out of all the things we've come across over the years, like, I could see, you know, I don't think so. Because again, like, this reminds me just like of a dynamic between like a mother and law that's just way too close with the sun and law and like sort of starts taking his side. Yeah. And I mean, like, I've talked to Justin's mom about like, yeah, you know, something came up with work and it's just like a really stressful time. You know, I wish he wouldn't take it like it was a music tour that he did and it was right before the wedding. I'm like, oh my god, I'm drowning. And he ended up like after we talked. He only did a couple of shows and not the full tour. And like it made sense, like the decision we came to. But like before we came to a decision, like the news, like kind of got sprung on me. And I was like, I don't really like this. Like I just, I wish he would like, yeah, no, that's so normal, I think. But I was like, it's not like I'm like talking shit about Justin. Like no, Justin so inconsiderate. I wasn't like doing anything like that. It was just like, and you start trying all the time. LOL. And I feel like his baby sitter. And when he was watching Toy Story, he started crying. Isn't that so embarrassing? Like, no. This crazy talk, that's so different. It's so different. Like I think a lot of people when they have healthy relationships with their in-laws Yeah. Can have conversations. And like, I don't know, like I don't know if venting is the right word, but like, just like discuss things, but not have it turn into dog piling on the partner. Totally. Especially to the extent that you have like a chat specifically for it. Like that's crazy. Yeah, I mean the title alone. Yeah. That shows the intention there. How do you, can you put a title on a chat just between you and one other person? I don't know. And then I would wonder what, because they called it a group chat. Is there like another person in it? That's what I would want to know. Because like you can't change your text message. Like I'm trying to drag someone to the top. You might be able to on like Instagram or stuff. Like on WhatsApp. Like a what's app you can. You can change things. Maybe that's what it's like. And stuff like that. So maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe it's not whatever. And she was on the iPad. Right. So she probably like logged into some kind of account, which, ma'am, it's not your iPad. Why are you logging in your eye messages or whatever you want to get caught? Like, I don't know. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe she wanted her to see it. Evil. There's another comment here with a few votes now. They formed a secret alliance about you instead of supporting you directly. It's a major boundary violation, not caring. And what does, yeah, it feels like a lot of it's against her. Dude, that's crazy. No comments from OP. No update yet. So we'll have to keep our eyes peeled. Yeah, very interested in that one. Wow, there is some poor behavior going around right now. What is wrong with people? Why can't we act normally and speak to our loved ones with kindness? That's what I'm taking away from this episode. Why are we speaking so harshly about those that we should love the most? How's that field goal? What the heck? Just exasperated. Yeah, tossing up your hands. I don't know. People need to get it together. Yeah. Embrace some happy ho ho ho holiday spirits. I mean, gossiping does feel good, but god damn. I've been there. I've enjoyed some gossiping. Yeah, yeah, this was a good gossip. Yeah, that's true. Good gab. That's true. We gossiped about these people. Yeah, sure did. We sure did. It's all I got for you guys. Doosie have an episode. Doosie of a month it's gonna be. I already know. People are coming out of the woodwork. Reddit has finally felt like juicy again. Ooh. I know, I'm like, I was really, I'm gonna be honest. I've been dealing with a lot of burnout. And I also genuinely think like, I don't want to chalk it up to like, well, it's wedding blues, but like, I've been a little like in the dumps. Yeah. A little blue, a little down in the dumps, not feeling great. And I just think it's a combo of like burnout. And then like, I planned, like you planned something for two years. Yeah, I was like, over and it's done. You had such a thing that you were like putting everything into and then that came and went. Yeah. So that makes a lot of sense. I mean, myself again. Yes. I don't know. It's weird vibes, weird vibes over here, but it's gonna be a good month with stories. And November Patreon was in Sane. We had some really good episodes. Michaela was on, not just one, but two episodes. Whoa. Yeah. You were on, I forget what theme. We kind of were all across the board on like unique experiences slash like some other stuff. Yeah. Like the leftovers from, but like really good. And then we had a really good half with Justin's episode, that final story. The wedding. Yeah. Oh, that is really good. And then Lauren's bonus episode on Patreon for November and that, that's like a two and a half hour long episode over there. So if you've run out of content and you need some long stuff, go over there. There was actually a story from the people are ill theme that I deleted. I just never made it into editing. Somehow I like removed it when I was setting up the episode to then pass off to my editor Jenna and my silly self deleted it. So there's some really good stories from the people are ill theme over there along with just a bunch of other chaotic ones. So how do we there if you want more? We need a little extra this holiday season. Yeah. The Patreon isn't like just leftover stories. Like some of my favorite ones are over there. I know. Like I, I honestly feel like I, I try to like make a very balanced between, you know, what's over here on this side of the things. Yeah. And this is what's behind the paywall. I don't know what it is, but I feel like every co-host like we kind of like recognize Oh, no, no, we're like we're behind the wall and like things get a little more chaotic over there. Things get a little rowdy. I think you're rowdy here, but Patrons a lot of fun, super intimate community. I'm doing a live show with Patreon actually December 11th. If you can't make it, it will be posted on Patreon. It's a live show with me. This Clemens is one of the co-hosts and Lily from another podcast that's really big on Patreon. So it's going to be really fun month over there. And that's going to be for everyone on Patreon. Oh, that'll be so fun. All members, even the free tier. Oh, cool. Yeah. So just come over and join. You don't even have to pay. There's a lot of content that gets put that's totally free. Yeah. And then you get a little community over there. Yeah. The comments are so nice. I know. It's really fun. It's really fun. But that's all I got guys. Thank you so much for being here. Being here another year, it's crazy. Next year is 2026. I know it's not an even number. Well, in the sense of that. Yeah, no, like 2025 just feels like such a like, that's a year. 2026 is like, is that even a real year? I still remember being a kid and like doing New Year's Eve and the glasses were 2000 or 2001. Yeah. And the glasses were the zeros. Like, hmm, those are the best years. And now here we are, 2026. What does that look like? I guess you could have a six hole and a zero hole. And you make the two in the between really tiny. Designers as a reach out. Yeah. She's got it. But it's crazy. It'll be five years if two outtakes in February. Oh my god. Insane. 2021. So when you started? Wow. February like 11th or something. Time flies. Time flies when you're having fun. And you got a good family on board with you. It's all sure though guys. Until next time. Bye.