Are you feeling emotionally stuck? Here’s how to get past it (w/ Yowei Shaw)

This is your business. This is your business. Super哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎 Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. And James A. Caster here. And you know that we're food boys, James. We love food and we especially. Speaking for myself, love barbecues, James. And this summer when I barbecue, I'm going to be using Saint Pierre French brioche buns. They're sponsoring us at the moment, but I use them anyway. It's the perfect storm. They're great for barbecues. They help elevate any meal and I make it magnifique. Look for the orange packs in bakery aisles in stores. Saint Pierre eats a wreck respect. This is how to be a better human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy. Today's guest, Yowe Shah, is one of the most respected writers, producers and hosts in audio. I feel really confident saying that. But all of her talents and abilities and accomplishments and accolades, all of that couldn't help her from losing her job at NPR's Invisibilia. And here's a clip of Yowe talking about how it felt to lose that gig. I've been with Invisibilia for seven years, worked my way up from producer who did admin to reporter producer to senior reporter producer to co-host. I felt really lucky to get paid to do the thing I loved, making stories about ideas and emotions, stories that I hope helped our listeners understand how to navigate the world. I love my team. I love my job. So I knew that getting laid off was going to hurt. But I was not prepared for how much it hurt and how long the hurt lasted. I was not prepared for how the layoff turned me into someone I didn't recognize. I mean, objectively, I knew I had it about as good as it gets. I got severance, I had savings, I didn't have kids, I had a partner, I had parents I could rely on if things got really bad. And I knew the layoff wasn't about me. NPR had made a strategic shift and shows like mine weren't part of the new strategy. They specifically told me it was a business decision and had nothing to do with my performance. So why did I keep cycling through old mistakes, wondering what I could have done differently? Why did it feel like NPR was rejecting everything about me? Why did I want to hide from everyone? Why was myself worth on the floor? And here's the difficult part. No one in my life had been laid off before. So while my friends and family tried to be supportive, they all had trouble understanding exactly what I was going through, which made it hard for them to give me the advice and comfort I needed. I just felt really alone. And that's where my new show comes in. Yowe's new show became Proxy, a groundbreaking podcast where Yowe practices what she calls emotional investigative journalism. She tries to get to the bottom of how we feel about a situation and why. On Proxy, guests talk through their emotional conundrums and Yowe finds them the perfect stranger to talk to, the person who can help them get less stuck. Today on our show, Yowe is going to talk to us about the power of conversations, about what it means to investigate our emotions, and about how radical a change it can make to realize that we are never the only one going through something. We're going to get into all that and so much more after this quick break. In a world of noise and uncertainty, IG is the investment platform that backs you. Take a reflexive stock size, which gives you the freedom to withdraw funds anytime and replace them in the same tax year, all without losing your £20,000 tax-free allowance. And if that's not enough, pay no commission on your stock shares and ETFs when you invest with IG. IG. Trade. Invest. Progress. Your capital's at risk. Other fees may apply. Tax treatment depends on individual circumstances and is subject to change. Hi, I'm Kritika Adhata and I'm an accountancy educator. When you're trying to be productive, you should get up at 4am, do 1000 press-ups and lock in for six hours with no breaks, right? Wrong. In the latest episode of On Your Marks from ACCA, neuroscientist and broadcaster Dean Finne digs into the productivity hacks that are actually worth your while. This is On Your Marks because you'll never know until you try. Tap to listen now on Spotify. Hi, this is Jessie and Lenny from Table Manners and we're sponsored by Sampierre. There is nothing like an at-home barbecue. Good food, good company, and hopefully good weather. And as always, we take the food pot very seriously, don't we, mum? We do. Then we always pick up a few packs of Sampierre. Their brioche is so buttery, golden and authentically French. I love a juicy burger, especially with cheese on the top. Whatever you're serving, it's just better in a brioche. This barbecue season, don't settle for sad, squashed little buns. Just look for the orange Sampierre packs in Bakery Arles in stores to elevate your next bill. And we are back. We're talking with Yo-Ae Shah today about how to understand our emotional conundrums and why we're never the only one going through something. Hi, I'm Yo-Ae Shah and I am an emotional investigative journalist. Let's start with what is an emotional investigative journalist? So I think of myself as an investigative journalist, but the thing I'm investigating is not politics or corruption. It's feelings. So someone comes to me with an emotional mystery, like, how is it that I can't forgive my mom even though I really want to? Or why do I as an introvert dread hanging out with my extroverted friends? Then I as the reporter use my skills to try to find an answer. I look to research from sociology, psychology, I talk to practitioners, but probably the most important source is usually another human being that's just been through the same thing and lived to tell the tale. I think of myself like on the emotions beat. I love that description. I also love your show, Praxie. I think it is so interesting and different. And I think one of the things that is cool about it is you're investigating emotions, but you're not trying to do therapy. No, that is an important disclaimer. Thank you for saying that. I am not a mental health professional. It is not therapy. We're not trying to fix anyone. Well, the other thing though that I think is so interesting about the conversations that happen on the show is a lot of times it is people working through something that has to do with someone else, often an important person in their life, but they're not putting it on that person. Instead, it's the person understanding by someone who is not in their life what they actually feel more deeply. Yes, sometimes I think a stranger outside of your direct situation can help you see the situation more clearly and also help you hear what they have to say with less defensiveness because they don't have all the baggage that your actual person does. I have two things that I wanted to ask you about. One is a headier philosophical personal thing, and then the other is just a really practical one, which is when I was thinking about my own version of Praxie, right? I mean, do you have a niche conundrum? Like investigated by Praxie? I don't think it's niche, but I want to share this thing with you to hear how you would think it through. I had a really close friend, and we are no longer friends, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I have unpacked to them in therapy and gone to it, discussed it many times, and it's been several years. I still feel this lingering openness and sadness that this person is not in my life anymore. And I think part of it is we have a lot of structure for a breakup that is romantic. And I just don't have that much structure for a friend where you are no longer together. And that's something that I struggle with, and I don't really have the answers to. But I wonder, talking to someone else who had been through that exact same thing, right? Maybe that would be helpful in some way. And so, I'm just curious, your initial reactions to my specific experience? I would ask you a lot more questions about what went down in their friendship, because I think that it would be important to know, was it a ghosting situation? Was it a betrayal? I would want to know exactly what happened, what kind of thing broke it up. And then, I would try to look for a proxy, I think on the other side. I would probably go looking for someone who could stand in for your friend, but it would need to be people who are interested in the other perspective. It can't just be a proxy who's like, Chris is a terrible person. And he's like, I don't ever want to talk to him again. I will never heal from... He's a terrible person. He shows me that the world is a terrible place. You know, it needs to be someone who's interested in what went down. And maybe they don't want to reconcile with the friend, but they need closure. And they don't just have a black and white way of thinking about it. Then, I might go to a researcher who has studied friend breakups and has a lot of insights to share that could be helpful to you. And any listener going through a friend break up, who's also... I mean, this is the ideal, who's also gone through friend breakups themselves. Whenever we turn to a researcher, we really want them to have lived experience too. It's cool. It's really cool to hear you think it through. One of the episodes you recommend people start with, if they're just new to proxy, is called Bisexual Life Guy. And it's this very sweet man who has separated from his wife because she came out and understood her sexuality in a different way. And they separated. He's trying to process that, but he doesn't want to process it through her. He doesn't feel like it's appropriate. And so he gets to have this conversation with someone who he's never met before, but who was in a similar situation. Yeah, that was my old boss. That was the rare instance where we get an email from a listener, and I know exactly who the proxy is going to be. Because usually it takes a lot longer to find the proxy. Yeah, that was a really interesting episode because it felt like... I hadn't realized before that proxy conversation how meaningful the process could be for the proxy as well. It's like this reciprocal process. So George has questions he wants to ask of his ex-wife that he can't, that he's going to ask Hannah, the proxy. And then Hannah never got to have the conversation with her ex-husband. And so she got to ask him all these questions and also say these things that she never got to say to her ex. So that was a real, I don't know, magical moment where I was like, oh, this is pretty smart, this proxy idea. It's smarter than I even planned. I totally agree. And I think it makes me think about this idea, which is that investigative journalism is about finding the truth, like an objective truth. And a lot of these conversations that you are now doing are about emotional truth. Can you give us a little bit about how you think about truth and emotional truth and objective truth, whatever that might be? I think that emotional truth tends to get a bad rap these days because people are like, well, that's not factual. That's just how you feel about the situation. The story your nervous system is telling about what happened. But I think we know by now emotional truth drives a huge amount of human behavior. There's a bunch of research that actually shows that once your brain comes up with an emotional story of what happened, your brain's really good at discounting any evidence that doesn't conform to that story. So when people are arguing about the facts, quote unquote, often what they're fighting about is the emotional truth of the event. And so that's why I'm proxy. I really wanted to take emotional truth very seriously. And instead of arguing with somebody's emotional truth, we find a proxy who can help you understand the emotional reality of the situation. For example, we did this episode about a mom whose kids had cut her off and she didn't understand why. And instead of trying to investigate the facts of the estrangement, we paired her with a daughter who had cut off her own parents. And I think hearing that perspective from someone who wasn't her own kid, accusing her of being a bad mom, helped her be less defensive and be open to hearing that emotional perspective, the emotional reality of what it's like to need to estrange from your own parents. And this is where the ethics policy comes in. So that's why whenever we're dealing with a conundrum or conflict that involves more than one person, we anonymize because that would be a problem if we weren't anonymizing people's details. I think it's important too to note that you have a lot of respect for the idea that there are facts and reality. There's an emotional story, but there's also a factual story that's really important. I really love proxy. I think it's so great. And when I listen to it, it is so nuanced and special. And I think if I just think about the idea without having listened to it, I have this kind of reflexive thing of like, but that's naval gaze. That's like, we're focusing on the emotion. We get so stuck in our own feelings, we need to get outside of our head a lot. But what I realized listening to the show is so much of this is people feeling like they are the only ones who have experienced something, feeling really alone. And that your show in such a vital way breaks through that so that people understand that whatever they are experiencing, someone else has experienced something quite similar. My hot take is that I think we need more emotional investigative journalists, because I think that if we paid more attention to the emotional dynamics beneath our problems, not just personal, but like political, social, like literally every problem, there's emotional dynamics going on. And there's like all these disciplines of scholars who study those emotional dynamics. There's like a whole sociology of emotions. There's like a science of emotions. There's history of feelings. And those scholars never get any play. So I just would like to make the point like, I really respect traditional journalism. And obviously, it's not a good time for journalists in general. But I would also like us to pay a little bit more attention to emotional dynamics when we're reporting on like hard fact news or whatever. If you are feeling alone with a problem, and you're not talking to anyone about your problem, then you are literally just tunneling, tunneling, tunneling into the same interpretation of your problem. And it's hard to break out. And that's why on proxy, I'm trying to report on feelings, bring a different perspective where you can talk to a researcher who's studied your issue and has like context to share like for why you're feeling so bad. So you're like, oh, I'm not such an alien. It's I don't have to blame myself. Or you can talk to people who've lived through the same thing for an outside perspective. It's really just like, you know, taking the regular things we do as a journalist talking to sources and just like applying that to emotional conundrums. But I do think like if you're just kind of stuck looking at your own emotions and not sharing and not getting support and not talking to anyone else, I think it can be navel-gazing and not super helpful. So in this podcast, you're diving deep into a niche emotional problem someone's having. And then you offer them this proxy just to step back for a second so that people, if you're not familiar, you know, you offer a proxy. So it's someone who has had a really similar experience and they're going to help guide a stranger through the conundrum that is related. So how do you think about the best way to find a proxy for someone? What's the what's the process of discovering a proxy? Well, sometimes it just falls in my lap and I'm like, I know someone who exactly went through that. That never, that only, this has only happened once though. I've only gotten lucky once. So sometime, not sometimes. Yeah, sometime. Other than that, I really just rely on my usual tricks as a long form journalist and I scour memoirs. I scour personal articles, like personal essays, news articles. I do a lot of creative googling. I talk to researchers, practitioners. I just make a ton of calls and try to find people who are like in the ballpark. And then once I find those options, then I do a careful vetting process where, you know, we do a pre-interview and I just like ask them a bunch of questions to see, like, does their set of experiences line up enough emotionally and like fact pattern me with our guest. And then I'm also like checking to see, like, are they asking me follow up questions? Like, are they like giving like, how are they holding space and even this call with me? And that's usually a good indicator of like how they'll do an in actual proxy conversation. And then the other part is like just enthusiasm. Like, sometimes I found someone who I think would be really, really great, but they just, they just don't get the idea. Or they're just too busy or like, you know, for any number of good reasons, they're not like jazzed about doing it. And I think it's really important for the proxy to actually want to get something out of this experience too, so that it actually feels reciprocal. Because at the end of the day, even when our proxy is like a therapist or like a researcher or like somebody with like professional expertise, not just lived experience, I wanted to feel like a conversation between two peers. Like you just happen to sit at a bar next to someone who has like the exact right experience for the thing you're going through. And then you just start talking, you know, it's not a workshop, it's not a training, it's not a coaching session. We're going to be right back with more from Yo-A after this quick ad break. Working across teams is tough, but Asana helps you handle it. That's because Asana is where humans and AI coordinate work together. AI can spot roadblocks and assign work in a snap. So everything and everyone stays on track. That's how work gets handled. That's Asana. Visit us at asana.com. That's a s a n a dot com. Hi, I'm Kritika Adhathya and I'm an accountancy educator. When you're trying to be productive, you should get up at 4am, do 1000 press ups and lock in for six hours with no breaks, right? Wrong. In the latest episode of On Your Marks from ACCA, neuroscientist and broadcaster Dean Venet digs into the productivity hacks that are actually worth your while. This is On Your Marks because you'll never know until you try. Tap to listen now on Spotify. In a world of noise and uncertainty, IG is the investment platform that backs you. Take a reflexable stock size, which gives you the freedom to withdraw funds anytime and replace them in the same tax year, all without losing your £20,000 tax-free allowance. And if that's not enough, pay no commission on your stock shares and ETFs when you invest with IG. IG. Trade. Invest. Progress. Your capital's at risk. Other fees may apply. Tax treatment depends on individual circumstances and is subject to change. And we are back. Today, we're talking with Yo-Way Shah about how to sort through and understand our emotions, even the tough ones. And one of the things that I admire the most about Yo-Way is how open and vulnerable she is with even her hardest moments. One day last March, I was sitting in my home office with my cat by my feet. I brazed myself as I clicked open my work email. Ah, there it is. Honestly, I feel nothing. Okay, now the tears are coming. In one of your very first episodes, you talk about the pain and the stigma and the emotional roller coaster ride of being laid off from your job, a job you really cared about and invisibility. I mean, you have like this incredible audio of you hearing that you're being laid off and you're crying and you're really distraught. I mean, this is being an audio journalist. You knew that this was an emotionally important moment, so you were recording yourself. But you talk about how there's one moment where your husband hears you find out that this project that you've been working on that was like the big thing post layoff that mattered, that it got canceled and you're wailing so loud that he runs in naked from the shower because he thinks something like he thinks it's a disaster because he's never heard you like that. I have never been in that exact situation, but I had such a vivid memory of in one of the hardest times of my life, I was applying for this job. I had written a packet to apply for last week tonight with John Oliver as a writer and I had worked so hard on these jokes and everything was going bad and I had like a person on the inside who was recommending me and I just felt like it's lined up for me to get this job and I was so in my head I had built this other future, right? And then I found out I didn't even get to the next round. I didn't even get to like the interview round and I wept so unbelievably hard and the thing that made me really understand that moment differently is you and your husband are talking about it and you say some version of that was the scaffolding that was holding everything else up. It wasn't really about this project, it was about the grief of losing your job and all the stress and everything else and he gives the parallel of when he cried so deeply about an older cat being put down, what is actually about his grandfather who he had grieved. I just had never so clearly seen that experience of my own articulated and I wasn't even a guest on the show, this is just as a listener. So I wonder if there's some way that people can really access deep understandings of themselves just through listening to other people talk about their issues. Thank you for sharing that and I'm sorry you went through that team layoff not getting what you want solidarity. I'm holding my fist. I mean also it's like so funny because in retrospect I'm like oh no you didn't get a job writing for an HBO show. So sad Chris but it's like in the moment it felt like life or death and now I'm like oh yeah that was not really about that really was it? Yeah I kind of feel similarly about my layoff now now that I've healed. Well so when I got laid off I felt really bad and then I felt really bad about feeling so bad because I was like shouldn't I know better? Like boo-hoo I lost this job like I don't have kids, we got severance, we had a really good union contract, like I had about as good of a layoff as you could have and I just I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed, like the double whammy of the shame and then when I started looking into like the research around layoffs and like some of the narratives we have about layoffs it really made a lot of sense. Like why I was feeling so bad and it just like put took the pressure off it made me feel less it helped me stop blaming myself. The main thing I learned was talking to this sociologist Hofer Chiron who studies long-term unemployment and he talks about how our culture really personalizes work you know not just like through our identity through the myth of meritocracy but also our hiring system is very personalized you know it's all about like the interview and whether you're a good fit for the team and so when you get laid off here as opposed to like some other country where you know the culture and the hiring system is really like it's much more bureaucratic the interview doesn't really matter it's really about checking boxes and it's more formulaic like in those places people don't blame themselves as much when they get laid off they're mad at the system whereas like in the US like it makes sense why we would blame ourselves and feel terrible for all of these reasons that was really freeing you know to realize the context of what was happening and that I wasn't alone so that's like the context piece you know which I think really helps but then there's also the like listening to somebody else who has been through a similar thing tell their story and I was noticing in these proxy conversations there's like this moment of magic that happens in every proxy conversation that works where like the two people really see each other and they hear each other and then like after that moment everything starts flowing they trust each other the guest is able to take an insight from the proxy and when that moment doesn't happen that moment of recognition emotional recognition then like it's it's not going to work like the conversation is stilted people don't trust each other and then we have to find another proxy and so that has really taught me like the importance of emotional recognition in like the stories that we tell and the conversations that we're having with people one of the reporting quests that I've been going on is like so what is going on in these proxy conversations like why did you Chris feel so viscerally seen in a situation that actually is not your exact situation you know like what is that about and so I've been like reading a bunch talking to like researchers and like there it turns out there's like a few core emotional processes that happen in healing emotional healing so one process is telling the story of what happened so telling a coherent story and organizing all the like fragmented bits and feelings you're having just telling a coherent story about what happened helps you feel better having another person recognize your experience that also helps hearing a new perspective that helps you reinterpret your experience that's another thing that helps so proxy conversations I think they bring all three of those processes together I think what's unique about the proxy conversations is that it's happening between two people who share the lived connection to the issue which makes the recognition and perspective taking just like you know to the nth degree like on steroids you know because it's like embodied perspective taking and so I'm still trying to figure it out honestly but that's where I'm at so far it's interesting because I've spent a lot of time both as a comedian for and so professionally but also personally thinking about about humor right I like I wrote this book about humor and one of the things that I always say about it is that like when you laugh with someone else you are so locked in in that you both are in that same moment it's really present but also you know like they see that thing the way that I see it I'm not the only one that sees it and so you know so often when we're laughing hard we say something like that's so true or like oh yeah I never thought of it that way but then the laughter means that there's this connection and this is kind of in in some ways that same thing of oh my gosh they actually understand I'm not the only one that sees it that way so it's not necessarily real resulting in laughter but it is that same kind of a connection it reminds me of this um research finding I found in neuroscience where when you're listening to someone tell a story your neural circuits get aligned when you're telling a joke and I laugh because I see the world the same like I feel seen in the way you are observing the world or whatever like I wonder if like that's also a moment of like our brains being linked you know and like seen and like I think that recognition is so so important and that's why like being alone with your feeling that is I think it's just really it's dangerous you know and like I think that's like the one thing that I have learned from doing this show is like no matter how specific somebody's conundrum is no matter how weird or you know niche they think it is like there is probably someone else out there who gets it and you don't have to feel so alone you know there's probably support groups you don't have to just like write into my show I mean please write into my show that'd be great but also there are support groups there are all these support groups out there that I think proxy is sort of trading on the mechanics of why that works we're just doing it in podcast form and I think that that is something people could try is going to support group and sticking around even if it is awkward you know for a while until you find someone you know you click with it's interesting to think about what you do and what I do as podcasters because I think people often feel a very intimate connection you know people often call this like the parasocial relationship parasocial is often kind of thought of in a negative way I wonder if there's a version of the proxy that is like the positive sort of parasocial where you cannot necessarily have to have the one-to-one direct in-person relationship and still get something out of emotionally connecting with this other person I guess you could argue that it is a kind of parasocial relationship um but I guess since there's strangers meeting for the first time maybe it's like a really fast parasocial relationship developed like yeah yeah yeah really fast 40 minutes so when I started working on the show a friend was like oh proxy conversations you know that's a thing in restorative justice right there is a tradition in restorative justice where if the survivor victim and the offender don't want to like meet for that healing conversation maybe because they're just like not ready to take accountability maybe because like the survivor feels like too trauma like feels like that would be too traumatizing to them maybe somebody's dead sometimes a proxy will be used somebody who has like experienced the same harm either as like the victim or the offender and so there's like this whole world of like proxy conversations that are really really intense so I talked to this woman the other day who'd experienced sexual harm and um she couldn't talk to the the person who did it um because he wasn't willing to take accountability so like she told me about this proxy conversation she had with this guy who committed a similar sexual harm and like she says that like she got what she like she got the apology she needed and like there was something really healing about just like hearing this person who didn't do the thing to her but take remorse and take accountability and say like this should never have happened I'm so sorry it is a kind of parasocial relationship but like she's getting to have a positive experience with the person with like a stand-in that can like help rewrite her meaning of what happened you know yeah I don't know if it counts as parasocial but I just maybe think of that I'm curious what you've learned about honesty and self-awareness through this process because so much of what is required to have a conversation or to get useful advice or takeaways from someone else's experience is to actually understand your own experience and what you're feeling I think what can be missing is like having outside perspectives that help you not just be self-aware but sort of like I don't know what the word would be but like more collectively aware of your situation you know like it's so easy to get stuck in your like one interpretation of what's going on and to feel like that's the only that's the only thing that's the only possibility most of the people that come to the show are like incredibly self-aware already so that's sort of like the baseline but it's like are you willing to consider other perspectives and integrate them into how you think about what's going on I think that's not everyone's ready to make that jump because that I think that does take a level of humility and also like openness like are you ready to like hear some things that might be challenging or might you know question the way that you're thinking about things and also might be helpful you know not everyone is ready to like consider new possibilities um and that's also something that we think about on the show when we vet people is like have you already gotten like a bunch of resources are you seeing a therapist I like to think of ourselves as like we're like the third or fourth responders you know you know like we're like a year out after the thing happened I think there's also you know a big piece in our culture that is does not want nuance it does not want things to be messy or unresolved right it wants clear easy answers it wants black and white it wants here's these three simple tips that your doctor doesn't want you to know to kill belly fat right like it's like that that style of processing the world is really dominant and I think when people are left with these like lingering questions or the lingering uncertainties or unresolved pieces that there's no space for that I like to think of what we're doing on the shows hopefully is hopefully modeling a different way of like connecting with other people and like relating to your own stuff can you tell me a little bit more about that like the modeling a different way of connecting with people how would you articulate that that connection well not blaming anyone I think is number one I think that's like one of the first things that we look for when we're vetting guests is like are you in a place where you're not blaming the other person for what happened and you understand that things are complicated and like they had probably a lot of there's a lot of reasons that they did what they did and you want to understand more and I think that like uncertainty and humility and like openness and wanting to help other people is how I would I feel like that's what I would like that's what we're trying to model and being respectful but also like real with each other like that's something that I tell people like you can push back in these proxy conversations you can interrupt you can challenge you can be like I don't actually understand what you're saying like can you make it clear to me like or like I disagree but like we're going to keep things respectful it's interesting you know thinking about the the arc of proxy and and what you've done and what you're continuing to do you started with examining your own emotions and complicated ways of dealing with the the grief and the uncertainty and the pain and the self reevaluation after after a layoff did you feel like oh I am I am perfectly suited to unpack this or did you feel the kind of like flailing what am I doing or or both or something totally different well honestly I've been relying on this trick of reporting on your feelings for years like I was sorry NPR that I was like healing on your dime but like you know I a lot of the stories that I did at invisibility were like born out of personal conundrums like niche emotional conundrums that I could not get answers to from the people in my life because I felt alone with it no one could relate and also not from my therapist you know like the therapist was helpful but also like I was still there's still an emotional puzzle that I needed to crack and so I found the process of doing a story and talking to experts looking for research to help explain the context of what was what I was going through and talking to other people who'd been through the same thing like I was like oh every time I do this by the end of the story I magically feel better and so I wanted to like give that to other people because I was like I think that there is like um there is a hole here to be filled that people can avail themselves of using you know a microphone using like research skills and and honestly like having the guys of like like I'm a reporter we're doing a podcast episode like it helps sometimes to have a container like that to ask these questions that maybe you wouldn't normally ask or you know yeah to get this researcher to talk to when like you're like when you're not a reporter like I think of what we do on the show at the end of the day is like service journalism like I think one of my kinks journalism kinks is probably like I like to be useful just like I want to help um and so I feel like yeah maybe we're like providing a service that is not being provided at the moment it seems clear to me that you feel this real um duty to the listener and to make sure that you are not um misrepresenting or causing harm and I think that is a level of care that not many people bring or are even aware of so I wonder if you can talk a little bit about that as the intersection with the service journalism I mean that might just be my anxiety talking um I mean like as a reporter who like grew up at MPR like that was the number one fear was like well the number one thing that we were afraid of was fucking up you know like that's the number one fear is like getting something wrong like you're reporting not being tight and so I think that like my just like my general anxiety like has kind of made me a better reporter just like because I'm like I really don't want to fuck things up and like I have fucked things up before and that really sucked and you know that's something that we talk about on the show is like every proxy conversation is an experiment and we are always iterating and getting better because we're trying something new and I also want to be really cautious about dealing with emotions this is tricky territory this is why we we take on niche emotional conundrums not like um serious actively traumatic emotional conundrums because that's like a different show and that's for like a professional um I don't think we're well suited uh well equipped to take those on I don't know how you can be a journalist and not like have nightmares about fucking up just like I don't know doesn't everyone doesn't every journalist have those nightmares and so I guess I'm like bringing that hardcore MPR ethos into like this new beat and I understand that like we are charting the territory ourselves um and I'm like pretty much a one woman shop and I don't have you know like we don't have a lot of resources and so that's why I'm trying to be as careful as we can be but I'm sure we will get things wrong and we will learn from them and that's like the process of being human and like that's okay and I think our listeners will be okay with that if they if they're fans of the show well yo a shot thank you so much for being on the show um thank you so much for the work that you do on proxy and and thanks for just this great conversation I really appreciate you making the time thank you for having me that is it for today's episode of how to be a better human thank you so much to our guest yo waisha check out her podcast proxy it is a fantastic show and I cannot recommend it more highly a good place to start if you're looking for an episode to start is mike chooses the wrong life it's about a comedian who can't stop wondering if he should have become a doctor instead and it's about how we make peace with the lives we didn't choose you can find proxy wherever you listen to podcasts and new episodes from their latest season are out right now I'm your host chris duffy and my book humor me is out right now too you can find more about my book my live show dates and all my other projects at chrisduffycomedy.com how to be a better human is put together by exactly the kind of team that you want investigating all of your emotional conundrums on the ted side we've got daniella ballerizzo band band chang michelle quint clowy shasha brooks valentina bohanini lani lot tansika sungman evang antonia le and joseph de brian lash put together the video no proxy needed and this episode was fact checked by matea salas who investigates all claims both emotional and factual on the prx side all audio both proximate and bygone is handled by morgan flannery norgill patrick grant and jocelyn guenzalas thanks to you for listening please send this episode to a person you know or a stranger who seems like they would be relevant we will be back next week with even more how to be a better human 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