I Started A New Joke

Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colours of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavours in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy, they're colourful, they're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Ever wondered if the magic was real? Well this is where it was made. The wonder of the Hogwarts Express. The chill of the forbidden forest. The secrets hidden in Gringotts Bank. You don't watch the films here. You feel them. Every spell. Every creature. Every detail. Immerse yourself in the filmmaking magic at Warner Brothers Studio Tour London. The making of Harry Potter. Tickets must be booked in advance. WBstudioTool.co.uk And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Carson and Robert Kelly. Beep-a-beep-a-beep-a-beep-a-beep-a-beep. I've been telling you, I told you the time me and Patrice went dancing in Amsterdam. We went to a nightclub. And they had this music on. Everybody was dancing. And I went on the dance floor and me and Patrice weirdly just started dancing together. But like, just like we were doing. And I felt, it felt good. This song, it takes me to one place and one place only. And two songs do that. What's that? Um, Fancy Show Bar. Black Horse Pike, New Jersey. No longer exists. It was a strip club. You can go when you're 18. No booze. Full nude. We found such a scam with the internet when the internet first started. To get in for free. And just get everything you could possibly want to do in there for free. What do you mean? Not knowing they hated us. Oh. Because we also didn't tip. We had no money. We were teenagers. So we would go in there with like three bucks and just walk out of there and seen everything. Everything. Amateur night. Oh, it was so fun. There's nothing worse than a non-tipper when you're showing your couch. They hate us. What are you, and my friend Glenn used to come in with like fucking... How's Glenn doing? Glenn's doing great. Great. Tell me so what's up. I will. He messaged me the other day. Glenn would go in and wear like novelty funny t-shirts that would make them even... You'd see how annoyed they'd be because we weren't paying also. When we had a shirt set, I don't smoke crack. I lick it. And they'd be like, it's funny. You know what else would be funny? Couple dollars. Couple dollars. And they're not even asking for much. Just a couple bucks. And then Glenn would just laugh. He'd just laugh at it. Yeah, broke. So broke. We would go... But it's this song and... What the fuck? Like the desert missed the rain. And I miss you. It's called Miss You. Step out the train. Find the club mix though. That one. Yeah. And I miss you. Like the dead. What did we go? Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. The strobes would be going for the girls. Same album? No. Oh, okay. I thought I saw the same screen. The first song, Play At Your Own Wrist, came out in 1982. No shit. It was cranking at that place. That was fucking... And I'm talking about 95. 95. I was... Yeah, right here. Yeah. Turn it up, blue. Slap it right in my fucking stupid face. You can't help but feel sexy inside when this is on. This is like my middle school dances. Yeah. High school. My AA dances. Friday night, St. Mary's, Lynn Mass. Ooh. Look across the room. Girl still shaking, drinking a cup of coffee. Alcoholic puss. Yeah, the best. Lick that makeup off her neck. Ugh. And I miss you. You. Uh-uh. Like a desert, Mr. Rain. How about this move? Will you keep it tight? And I miss you. Not me, dude. And then you go back down? Oh, not us, dude. We were staring at tampon strings hanging out of snatches. It was amateur night. It's only one night a week. You gotta go. There was nothing worse than when I was first coming up. I had no money in comedy and they would go to strip clubs and I had no money and I had stained shirts. And you just go to, you just, I don't want to go. And then you go and you just look down and you see some type of mustard stain on your shirt from the black lights. Absolutely. And then the girls would come over you. I'd have like maybe 10 bucks that I, and I'd have to like wait for the right one. No, I'm good. They're saying no, I'm good to a stripper sucks. That was the worst when you knew you had enough. Cause there'd be some times you were like, you start realizing that you're like, Hey, maybe we shouldn't go. Yeah. Unless we got a couple fucking bucks. Like you got to get a lap dance. If you go back with one girl. You got to pay. But you know, you at least like show them like, no, no, we're, we're here. We're doing it. Yeah. You get me a little bit of cash. And you pick the one that was the thing. Exactly. Now you're shooing away. You have to cause you can't. Well, we used to shoo away forever and then they hate you. But then we start being like, all right, we each have to get like a fucking dance. Cause we got the other thing, the thing that the free pass we would print out and then rip the sides off. So stupid. Cause it was that kind of printer paper. You are Jewish. But it was just 96, five. Well, it was good to be Jewish. Yeah. But we'd print out these things and it was so dumb. The fancy show bar had, it was even like there was pictures written in like arrows and stuff when you printed it out. You know what I mean? Like they, they was just everything. The screen was just green and whatever. And it prints out this thing and it was free entry. Huge. It's 10 bucks gone already. Yeah. You don't have to pay. When you walked in, you had to tip a girl. They have a girl standing in a booth with her tits out and you have to put a dollar in your mouth and smashing her tits. What? You have to. You're an asshole if you don't. So you, you didn't have to, but you had to. You'd be in a weirdly weird situation, but no, I'm okay. That you'd already be setting such a bad tone. We knew that. We liked that they were great to us until about 30 minutes into us sitting there. So is it like a fucking pervert test to make sure you're a piece of shit? Maybe. And then we would go, Lou, I need that music in the background. So then. We should play this song during the whole show. Even when, even when TJ comes in, not tell him. Drink some popcorn. We're free. Ugh, you ate popcorn. Okay. They make you eat popcorn. They give you popcorn because they want you to drink. They make you, they make you do a lot of stuff at this place. Well, the more you thing is that you drink, there it is. Fantasy show. Wait, that's, uh, that's the one. Is that black horse pike? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm told this is closed wire. There are three cars there. That's so funny. It's to being young and going, I'm sorry, underage to a strip club. Well, you started going out with 17. You had to be 18. But I looked enough. They didn't ask. But the things you'd think of that you're like, Oh, these are why they have security that when your intentions aren't creepy. But you know, it goes, that girl's so beautiful. Like, I bet if I could talk to her, like I was, you know what? If we're here till it closes, I'll just like walk to her car with her. And you're like, no, you can't, you really can't do that. No, you can't do it, especially with no money. I'm gonna see you two in the morning not tipping. You could if you were laying 20s down all night. You're not wrong. They let you stay all night. You're not wrong at all. You get to take them home, Jack, too. If you have money. You're so not wrong. You're just shoveling popcorn like a crane in your mouth. And I go, can I have a cranberry juice? Can I have only soda and juice? Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. Because they didn't have alcohol, which is so weird to me. I love it. It makes so much more sense to me. Why? Well, they're saying if you're going to go have people complain about it, I should say, I get it. You want to have drinks. I do not. I don't not get that. I'm not an idiot. But I'm saying at the time, the age I was there too, the concept of like one or the other, would you rather go see girls in bikinis and topless maybe, but you can get boozed up or you could go see girls fucking literally like split and lip to show you have a Diet Coke and popcorn. Diet Coke and popcorn. 100%. I'm fine. I'd rather because I'm like, if we're going to go to the strip club, I want to see the most we can see. And but if we're going to go out and like have drinks, like why don't we go have drinks and like try to talk? That's like the loosening up and talking to people. That's the engagement. Strip club is not for engagement is to see live snatch. You can't get in real life. See some snatch bent over in your face. We used to drive to Rhode Island because they had no rules or cheetahs in Rhode Island. They had no rules. Well, they know age rules particularly. Oh, dude, it was great. They had like I said, the whorehouses were legal. Go to the strip clubs. You could touch them. You could do all kinds of shit. Boston was not legal, but not well, you know, they just existed everywhere. Pretend to be. Yeah, exactly. But the thing that fucked me up is when I went to Vegas for the first time and went to those huge, amazing, crazy strip clubs. Oh, not Vegas. You Oh, strip club strip club. So when I went to this first strip club in Vegas, they had like two of them or three of them and they were so big and so enormous. And so like we went to the one that I love was what was it called? I forget what it's called. Frank's Chicken House. No, it was called the I think a duet. So it's like bucket. But the slogan was the best. It says we have a hundred sexy girls and two ugly ones. And it was right on the money by the way. So well, let me tell you also with our free pass to get in. Yeah. What you got was free entry and shower show. What's the shower show? I know what the shower show is. It was so good. They would take they would be they'd be hocking it the entire time on stage. Yeah. Every time the guy who got on stage, which by the way was the job at one point, I was like, this is what I'm made to do. It was a black muscly guy who were a tuxedo shirt tight vest. He was jacked, but he was the up there like ladies. He's inspired all the words I say at the end of at the end of hustlers when he told me just go wild lines. Yeah. And I'm talking over the credits. What is this guy? It's it's everything he said. I just changed maybe like New York instead of like because one of you go couch dance, couch dance, put me in that couch trance. The ladies here at the show bar, blah, blah, blah. He had all these like spills. And then one was the shower show where these girls get wet and wild and blah, blah. And when it was was a way till they get like 25 people or so to buy it. And every hour next shower show is starting lineup. You take it a different room like a movie theater room almost but instead it was like just bench seating, maybe three four rows diagonally, you know, like angled in like amphitheater almost. That's it. And in the corner was a fake, I guess real shower booth. And the girl and there was like a little two little stools and they would sit and you could pay extra. So it was $25 to go into the shower show and then another $10 you could pay and you get to soap them up. They put soap on them and you go up and take your turns like rubbing their tits and bodies and asses and everything. She used to wash them like cattle. Yes. But we never did that. We were just like, oh yeah, we're good on being the soap guys and we were because we had no money. So we would just sit there. You watch everybody soap them up. Then they would take turn as long as it took. Well, that's naive. I guess I'm sure it was time, but whatever it was we were buying into it was they one would sit in front of the other one. The one who was behind would hold the shower head on her like firing water or pussy and the girl would play with herself until she like fake came or came and if you're a lofty I think her and then they would switch and then the other one would do the same thing and then you let you out of there. We tipped nothing on that at all. So we just watched that for two and three bucks. Dude, we would have this amazing night every fucking Wednesday. It was so good until they started to hate our guts. Yeah. And visibly would be like these guys and you're like, what? I thought we were the fun guys. Get out. Get out. I thought we're all fun and funny. Yeah, they talked about you. They knew. They knew your faces as soon as you walked in. Where the fuck is Jacob? Ah, he's sick today. Oh, he got very sick. Really? Yeah, he's sick. He he's not coming in today. He's on zoom. You think that's because I French kissed him? I French kissed him on zoom somewhere. I think it's funny though when they add stuff like that with a, you know, the shower. It's like, you know, just to clean these bitches off. Why don't we just make money off of it? Instead of going in the back room to take a shower, we just come in a shower room. Oh, you guys clean your snatches off from the VIP finger popping. You just got I told you they used to have a good lady that would come down and her whole act was she had Windex and paper towels and she would just clean the pole and clean them the glass on the back from all the ass smudges from the other strippers. That's really sweet. I thought it was a sexy unique way and multi-tasking. You know, Lou, common misconception. No one stripped of this song, the songs from the movie and in the video, they would show her doing the dance. But there was a different song. The song that she actually danced to was all right actually. Wasn't it? What a feeling at the end? No, no, nothing. Nothing. She strips to actually. Yes. She had a couple of cool ones. I just recently watched it and did you notice the stunt double looks nothing like Jennifer Beals? No, in the final dance. There Jennifer Beals doesn't dance at all. What's this for you? Yeah, this is the song. Whatever this music is not from the soundtrack that she dances to. No, no, no, but that song is not guys name like Michael Saratello or something. Sam Bellow Maniac. Oh, yeah. Michael Sam Bellow Sam Bellow. Why did you really think that she danced? I would have thought yes. Yeah. What about this wig wearing? Well, nobody knew. Nobody knew who Jennifer Beals was. But they that's her. That's the only shot that they did. Close up. They just closed. It's very possible. Yeah, it's true. At the very end, you could tell it a lot. Yeah. At the very end when the sexy dance. Yeah, she looks like she's wearing a mop on her head. Yeah, dude. Wild. Did you ever see I'm going to get you sucka when they have the fist fight and they do the purposeful like the she's got like a must. It's like a guy obviously in a mustache. I love that. Big. That show. So that was good. A funny show. Movie movie. When they brought her back when he brought the girl back and she started taking just revealing all her flaws. She took her leg off. Fill her hair off. He just kept screaming. But yeah, the body double being that's so funny. Yeah. She's a man wearing a fucking diner waitress dress. That movie gets not enough credit. I don't want to get you sucka. Nobody brings it up. It will fall. Make a gun and all that fall by the wayside because black people. No, it's just like the young people. There's there's not a lot of history that kids have nostalgia anymore to even go back. And so now people will think the first of those kind of movies actually you're lucky if you get naked gun. You actually will say a scary movie. Yeah. They don't even see Dumb and Dumber which was dumb and Dumber was pretty great when it came out when it came out does not hold up. No, I don't think so. Yeah, that goofy face is you know who it's it's what's his name not Jim Carrey the other gift Daniels. Yeah, he's just you have a hard time with him. Um, little bit the first time I didn't but now you rewatch it you like oh he's just oh he's just doing Jim Jim Carrey. Well, that's what it is. Yeah, the problem is like that's Jim. Like that was just a classic Jim Carrey character for a change and it looks like he was trying to keep up with the Jim Carrey character. He's great Jeff Daniels. He's great. Um, there's Jacob right there. Hey Jacob. Look at him. Flash chance was great in his environment. And then funny enough like what a feeling actually also was used that was fame right? Did you hear Jacob's voice yet? Hi Jacob. Yes. Hi, how are you? What is he have a filter on? No, that's his voice. I woke up with this. You should keep it. You sound like a man. I mean that's crazy how you sound. I know I want it to stay but I have to be in pain for that to happen. A sexy son of a bitch. He is. I know. This is the voice you've dreamed of. It really is. Say Christine, stop your yappelin and start your stop your cackling and start your snacking Christine. Stop your yapping. Now stop your cackling and start your snacking and actually you pull your penis out. Stop your cackling and start your yapping. I'm sorry. What was this? Never mind it. So you ruined it. I'm sorry. Jacob came back. I'm sorry. Just say this. Hey Don, shut your face and suck it. Hey Don, shut your face and suck it. God damn it. Can you give me that? I'm going to send that to Don. Oh shit. I forgot to tell you. We look at the hero music you'd up. What? There's another hero in our midst. Here? Yeah. Right now. Right now in the room. There's a hero in our midst. Really? Yeah. I went out today to hit the old major fitness v52. Yeah. Clang it and bang it a little bit. Of course. Just throwing around some plates. Still what I do in the gym. And that was very cold out today. I was in there for as long as I could take it and then I left and maybe an hour later or so. I was in the shower. And Christine comes knocking on the door and opens the door. She goes, she goes, Hey, I went out in the garage and you left the space heater plugged in and running. I turned it off barring what could only possibly been a very rare freak accident fire. I know you're saying Bobby that think could have been running for seven days and it wouldn't cause a problem at all. Or that Christine shut it off. But Christine did. Shut it off. So she maybe she saved what could have been a very rare case possible fire. Now there's a thousand other things plugged into the house. Of course you're saying it. So it's probably no different than that. However, yes. And space heaters have actual shut off. If they shut off, they shut off. They fall down. Yes. Everything it would just automatically shut off. All those things. Yes. But but. She unplugged it. She unplugged it. There's now three heroes. Three heroes in the room. Now I don't I know you can't be a double hero. I know that. No, you can. Now once you're a hero, you're just a hero. You're expected to be a hero. I'm your as we found out a couple weeks ago when I had to save that guy's life. When I went to go get dressed. Yeah. After my shower, Christine had left. And she left on the electric fireplace heater. Outside. No inside. Inside. Electric fireplace heater. So I I turned that off. Hero begets hero. It's a household of heroes. It's a household of heroes. Woo. Amazing. Now Dawkins has never saved our lives from anything, but I will say she alerts us if anything is anywhere within I think a hundred yards of the house by barking aggressively. But in her own way, she is also here. Can I just say this? Yeah. I think all dogs are heroes. Even doodles because she does the same thing. Now if someone does break into the house, she'll run back into the bedroom with me and not do anything to get scared. But it's not heroics, but she will alert me. She'll alert me to the person. So sometimes the biggest heroes are one who just lets the people who need to know know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now you know to run because your dog will not win the fight. I know to run or get my shot. Or get your peace or just hide in the closet while Don gets murdered. Yeah. Then you blast them with the jammy. And then yeah. And then, you know, me and Mac share the house together as men. You get you get them twisted with the biscuit. I get them twisted with the biscuit. That's just smack him with the Mac. Christine, that's amazing. Now when you walked in, I'm sure your tone was great. Like when you were like, hey, you forgot to shut that off. I turned it off. Right. I don't know what her expectation was. It seemed like she was looking for negative pushback from me. And all I had was I was like, oh, yes, I forgot to turn it off. Thank you. Yeah, because you're a hero, dude. Yeah. You're not going to. I don't know what she was looking for. Maybe a maybe a little like attitude from you. Maybe. How would you? We're like a real like it's like, hey, hey, dunderhead. Fucking. No shit. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But I was just like, yeah, maybe a good for you. Yeah. Yeah. It was not a yeah. Yeah. It didn't feel like the didn't take my appreciation. She didn't handle that part heroically. Can I ask her? She was almost like defeated that I wasn't like. I don't know if she was looking for me to give like I was going to go check and turn it off. I wasn't. Yeah. Or oh shit. I'm stupid. Oh fuck. You're the best. She had when we had one the other day too. I think she's looking for a fight that's not there. Maybe maybe. I don't know. We have I left the back door open and I yelled up there. I thought I closed the back door. I yelled up to her specifically to say I closed the back door. So it's okay. Then she went down and she was like, I guess she goes the back door was wide open. You gotta go. Oh really? I go. Maybe I meant to close the back door. I didn't whatever was I fucked up. My brain's going though. I pulled out of a gas station. They with the things still attack the car. I swear to God. You one of those. Well, my car paid the price. What a truck. It's just something to be buffed out of. Scratch. Yeah. They'll be buffed out. Now when you got out, did you look around and make sure nobody saw it? Oh no. The guy saw it. I had to help. Oh you're in Jersey. Yeah. Wait a minute. Because in Jersey, you can't pump your own gas. No. So there was a guy. It was this situation was its own thing. I pulled up. I went in. I went in to the store to buy some. I was waiting in line in the store. I only had to fill about like less than a half tank. And so I was in line in the store. I got a couple of things at the store came out and just the way I walked around the thing, I just didn't like see the hose was still, you know, I wasn't looking for it. If I saw it, I'm sure it would have just registered that it was in. But I just got my car without even just turned the car on. I started driving and then I right when I look in the rear view mirror, I just like to think but it, uh, but you know, thank God. I should maybe not thank God. Maybe my car would have been less damaged, but I've done it once before in my life ever years ago and I pulled away and it was an old pump where the actual thing came out like when I pulled away, it ripped out the, uh, you ripped the whole thing. No, no, no, no, no, the thing was fine. The nozzle thing just the nozzle just kind of pulled out. It was more probably like it probably did bending on like maybe my gas can or something, but like who knows. But that wasn't a big deal. What happens now? They just change these pumps when I'm so happy because it's fixable for sure. It gives it like it break away. Right. In the middle of it, it like breaks off, but when that broke off, that metal part that connects is what dinged my car. But, uh, I watched the guy get it back on and I was just standing. I'm standing. It's like, it's around the corner from my house. So you can't just go like, all right, well, hey, sorry, bye. You had to, you got to wait. So, um, I'm like, well, let me know. Like you fix it. He's like, it looks like it snaps back on. Like it does look like it snaps back on and he goes and he pushed it and he got it up and it did it clicked back in. And then I go, cause he's like, yeah, man, he's like, sorry. Cause it wasn't finished yet. And I was like, no, all right. I go, well, let's make sure it works. Like I'll back up and like see if we can fill it. See if we can finish filling it up. And then I go, all right, I back up and he puts the thing in and he goes tink. He goes, it was full. Why can't you, why don't they trust you to pump your own gas in Jersey? I don't understand that. I don't know. Well, they don't, they don't trust you to pump your own gas and they don't trust you. Trust. They don't trust you when you can pump your own gas to like click it. They take the click thing off. Take it off. I don't know what the fuck happened where they don't trust us to pump our gas and then. Have you ever seen the one time, I remember I was in DC coming home from DC and it was a time that I was like, oh nice. This thing has the click, the click and hold. Yeah. And what was beautiful about the click and holds where they were automatic. Whereas when your tank got full, clicked off, it came off by itself. Yeah. This one I went and I was waiting. Thank God it was David's hell actually. And in my car and I finally go over at one point, it's like shooting out of the thing. I was like, oh, it didn't stop on its own. It just kept pumping gas. It was just an old school one. I guess. Yeah, there was no stop. Oh, great. Now we're going to be on fire. Yeah. Should I not smoke? Thank you all so much for being here. It's our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams. Have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colors of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavors in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy. They're colorful. They're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow. Taste the rainbow. Ever wondered if the magic was real? Well, this is where it was made. The wonder of the Hogwarts Express. The chill of the forbidden forest. The secrets hidden in Gringotts Bank. You don't watch the films here. You feel them. Every spell, every creature, every detail. Immerse yourself in the filmmaking magic at Warner Brothers Studio Tour London. The making of Harry Potter. Tickets must be booked in advance. WBstudiotour.co.uk Yeah. Oh, Danny boy. Everything Irish is tragic. Alcoholic puss. That's right. That was my mother's nickname in high school. Alcoholic puss. Alcoholic puss. Nice. Oh, an alcoholic puss Kelly. I like that. Suck it bitch. I like the sound of that. It's the bonfire. Faction talk, series 6M103. I think a peanut M&M is the best little chocolate snack when you look at them with something. Just a little chocolate. It's the best. Peanut M&M's pretty good. It's pretty goddamn good. Better than an M&M. I'm not into peanut M&M. Regular M&M's boo. We got some. Okay. Yeah. I already see. Let's take some of these calls because I'm going to let them tell us just so everybody know. If you're just tuning in. We're looking for premise. We're going to look for premises. Me and Jay are doing new joke night. Monday night. Will's events next Monday at the Pussycat lounge. I never do spots in the city ever. Well, I mean weekends sometimes when I'm home and you can call up and give us our premises. I'm going to pick three through a draft 866 969 1969 call up. And where's new jokes upstairs room right now. Yeah. Where your show is. Pussycat lounge. Yeah. Where my show is on Tuesdays. Right. Thanks. And it was packed last night. You didn't go in but it was it was sold out. No. You walked in the room. I walked in the room. I was just standing there looking at Will. And. Do you say why are you looking at me Bobby Kelly. He didn't. He didn't acknowledge me. Why are you looking. He he why why you why why why why why why you standing there Bobby. Now I'm going to warn you if it's new if will hosted every weekend. He'll be every Monday night he hosted. Yeah. He owes new joke night. Yeah. Will's going to stay in that room and he's going to he's going to want to back and forth with me. Yeah. Just so you know. He might even be on stage come up on stage with you. It's possible. No that was never a thing but he'll be in the audience but he'll want to talk. So I'm going to have to get we're going to do three jokes a piece. Yeah. I'm going to have to be like Will. Let me get my jokes because here's the thing I got. I don't want to if it's new joke night. Let's do his new joke night. Hey everyone. So I got a couple new things here. I want to try and then start doing your jokes. Yeah. If I ingratiate them with talking with Will and the crowd and stuff. Not going to be fair. It's not going to be fair because like or even if you did that it wouldn't be fair because I go well they're going to like it. You set a tone. That's almost the point of that kind of crowd work. You're setting a tone they're going to like you and they'll work with you. You want to go is this funny is this shitty joke I wrote this weekend funny. Right. Yeah. You want to go up and just go right first joke. Okay. Here you go. I've got a couple of things here. A couple good ones. So we're taking we're looking for premise ideas. I'm a side. We're going to get a pool of premise ideas. Yes. Maybe 10 12. Well hopefully and then we'll now for sure. I mean the lines are filling up but they always do. The listeners are the best. The best. They wish we had guests. Except for that one guy who ratted us out to that one guy. But he didn't. Well he loves us. Loves us but he fucks. He's just got an evil spirit inside of him that wants to hurt David David Vox more than ever I wanted to. Never wanted to hurt him ever. Never. But we're going to take a bunch of suggestions and then we'll do like a draft where me and Bob you're going to be picking each other's topics. Yep. So if just know if Marshmello is the subject it's probably going to come this way 100% going to come my way. How do I plug in Marshmello's. Hop chop a lovelace and hot chocolate obelisk. Oh man you guys got a fun show coming Thursday. I'll let you know that today's our double day show Thursday early show was funny. Hey David you should tune in Thursday if you're going to tune in at all. DVM tune in. You want to see somebody go to work on somebody. You got off easy compared to Bobby. That one's for you buddy. We owe you and we're going to find me eating shit somewhere too. I'm going to do that. Not that you ate shit. That's not what I'm trying to say. That's not what we're saying. I'm going to stop talking. You can be confidently not funny. That's fair. You're still going to get away with it. That's what I'm saying about Monday night. If I go up there I'm going to be confidently not funny. If I start yapping to the crowd first. Yeah you don't want to do that. No. You don't want to use your your 30 year skills. No. Yeah. Just. Yeah. I wanted to use my one skill I never developed. Joke writing. Apparently after Thursday show neither did I. Classic joke writing. All right. Let's take some of these calls. Bobby what do you think? All right let's go. You want to throw some darts Lou? Yeah let's go to Michael and Pennsylvania. What's up you're on with the bonfire. Throw us a subject. Is that good. That was fantastic. Thank you. Hey what's up J. Not Dan. What's up buddy how are you? You had a lot of stuff. Oh we're hanging in there. Do you have a good idea for a joke we should do? Yes absolutely. Roadhead in modern cars. Oh I had a thing about that already. I had a thing. Oh really like yeah the center console being so big and the ding ding when you unbuckle the seat belt. I didn't even think of the ding ding though my thing just goes with my I don't know how I did it when I was a teenager because I did get it done to me when I was a teenager but now there's no way that it could be done without a unless I was leaned back like a Puerto Rican gangster there's no way that my belly isn't making her right ear lay on the horn the whole time. I do like the he actually thought the joke got a little bit he wrote some of it for you the ding ding from the seat belt. Well that's good. That's good concept. I'm gonna put it down Bobby because we can always throw this to you. Yeah. Roadhead. Oh right there. Modern cars suck my dick ding. He gave it to you. Oh my God. Can you please click that. Can you please click your have another one too. Fire dude. Okay so we have a big names of these. This is Michael from PA Mike from PA. Yep. Do we have to announce that when we do the joke. This is from Michael and we should let people know the ones we picked they should be able to get credit later on for what they did at the end of the joke. If it doesn't good we should go that's from Michael and PA Michael and PA. Yes. Michael and PA says do joke about roadhead modern cars and here's my response. Hey people have you ever gotten roadhead modern cars. Stuck joke. I will. What's the other one. All right so the next one is the difference between like you remember back in the day when you were with a girl and was like hey first base second base third base. So the difference between when you get older. And what the bases are. Yes it all changes. Yeah you just become the umpire and you watch. More position becomes like second base. You know touch of titty you're probably gonna get in there. I understand we say I like it. I like it's in there we have those two from Mike and PA. All right thank you Mike premise Michael good premises. He's just warming us up to he's going to try his own thing then we're gonna see like joke thieves. Real nice. Who else you got who else you got for us there Lou. Freydo in Texas. Freydo Freydo Freydo I knew was you Freydo Freydo what's up buddy. Yo. Deppma man. What do you got throws a couple of joke concepts here. Okay so when I was young we're always in the backyard hanging out and I was always wondering why my parents keys they were smelling the keys I thought the keys smog it and to me they just like to smell the metal. But after that they got all turned up and they got excited and then playing on that. They always we never had a bank account never had credit cards but they always had cards on them and they always turn them out so they always had a compact and they always had credit cards and same thing every time they take them out they go disappear together but then they come back with their keys and a credit card they never leave home without them but we never had a car. All right. Our concept Jacob did fall apart from that one. Good job Freydo. I will say the concept we're doing here is not hitting the way we wanted to. We're looking for premise basic premise. If you're giving us constructed jokes about their family doing cocaine. Yeah we need a premise like on the first year like alligator farts having sex in modern cars. That was good. Roadhead in modern cars. Yeah thing. Was the other one he gave that was the right one to difference between the bases young to old. Yeah that was a good premise. We're looking for a premise. This was all worked out. Yeah we don't want to flushed out joke. And I'm sorry about what your parents did in front of you. Yeah that was your job. None of that was your fault. Nothing. Whatever happened you wasn't your fault Freydo. Don't blame yourself for that. So yeah we're looking for more like exactly like going to the zoo with a kid. Yeah doing the thing. We're looking for more of the setup than the punch lines and we'll knock it down. That's the skill. Can we take your premise. Yeah. And spike that ball. Yeah by Monday. Can we do it. Who we got low. Now I know what you say. Seven million people do it on Kill Tony every Monday. Sure. Yeah. But can me and Bobby do it once. Yeah here's the thing we're doing hours every weekend. We're always headlining. Yes. Can we go back to our roots. Can I go back to my roots and just go on here and just pop in and go yo here's some new thoughts. It's only my new thoughts not a set not designed into a set. Yeah go up. Hey guys got a couple things here. I want to try out for you. Okay how about this. Right. Exactly. What do you got. I got Mike. It seems to be another coke head from Texas. Okay. Okay what's up Mike. Mike what's up. What's up slow down. Hey you know Frato's parents sound like they party so I'm down with that. Hell yeah they did. My premise is just those rogue little ass nose hairs or beard hairs are getting your nose when you're just no matter how fresh it is. Wait say. The beard beard hair on nose hair. The beard hair. Yeah so like your mustache where it flips up in your nose and you just can't get rid of that shit. Okay. Okay write that down. We both have moustaches. Goes into nose. There you go. Mike in Texas. Okay. Do you got anything else or is that it Mike. It's not simple. I'll let you guys. I'll let the pros in. Oh we're gonna thank you. Oh we're gonna thank you. I appreciate that mustache goes into nose. Love that. Okay. Who else we got Dutch in Tampa. Good name. What's up Dutch. Hey what's up boys Bobby. I'm sorry I missed you in Sarasota. I am too Dutch. Where were you. I was at the cigar lounge waiting for you brother. Sorry about that my bad. That's all right buddy next time. What is this Dutch in Tampa. Yeah I got two for you. Nice. One running out of toilet paper in a public bathroom and possibly having to use a sock. Love it just alternative toilet paper alternative toilet paper where to get where you going with it. Alternative toilet paper. Been there. And we gotta say also we also acknowledge me and Bobby I don't want you guys think a lot of these things we've been given to us already are extraordinarily hack subjects. It's now our job to make how do you take this running out of toilet paper and you got a blah blah blah. Yeah. How do you bring that up to a professionally funny level. Right. And can we can we might not. I might just say you the same thing like what's with the grill marks on the airplane food. What is there a little tiny grill up there. Am I supposed to think there's a thing to running out of T.T. The best part about this is that they film all these shows. Oh well have that's right. I forgot. Yeah. Don't I think fill us some kind of like they can use it forever in perpetuity. No you've actually filled that up by walking through the door. It's dangerous. It's a comedy. So I love that. Yeah. Okay. Running out of T.P. We got that one Dutch. Do you have a second one. I do but I'm still worried about you call me a hack and now I'm going to know. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no premises. Any subject is any subject. Every subject's been covered. Leave it to us. We're going to take your subject and bring it to another level. I'd expect nothing less. All right the second one is returning food on a date. Oh okay. Damn I kind of hope I get that one. Maybe you will. I kind of like that one. Yeah that was a good that's a great. That's a fucking great premise. It's a good great one Dutch. Good premise. That's not even hacky even sort of. No that's going to go to Jay's act. That's going to be his next hour. He's gonna be my next. This is my one man show. He's gonna have to pay you $50 for that joke. That's genuinely it would probably great if you did that in a dinner show maybe in a diner somewhere in New Jersey. No any places. I do. Well there's one place I'm gonna be performing a lot. It's coming around the pipe pretty soon. It's a Greek. Thank you Dutch. Those are too good. Those were great Dutch. It's great. One person just wants us to know that David Vox moms are spying the comments. I know we know we know we know listen on Thursday. We know he's having fun. We're enjoying it. I tried Don and Pittsburgh. Yeah. Don in the Berg. What's up Don. Don what's up buddy. It's a real honor to be talking to you guys. The legends. He's got a good little romance here. Science. What's your premise. Fluence in the science. Fluence in the science in the house. Fluence in science here. I'd recently heard that Cardi B is planning on removing her BBL and I was thinking now something you could work with or maybe even throw it the fluence way. See where he goes with it. It's we could we could see one of us isn't that's another good one Don I gotta give us another good one. Thank you very much Don Don and Pittsburgh. I mean I'm already be removes BBC already got a thing or BBL BBL BBL. What's a BBC. Big Black Hawk. Oh big black. Well it's also the British Broadcasting. Yes. Whatever. But more importantly. But but more importantly Big Black Hawk. If it's typed into my computer. It's Big Black Hawk. It's Big Black Hawk. Yeah. This type of Jacobs computer. It's the BBC. It's definitely the BBC. Something about ties and suspenders. It's just like of the other take on the Titanic that has been done yet. Yeah they're doing a documentary on on hound hunting. What else do we have here. Weas brother weas and PA. Oh brother weas. The weas. Weas. What's going on brothers. What's up weas. Weas and PA. Hey man. I've been listening to you guys since day one and you guys rocked. Oh thank you so much for a man. You got a joke premise for us. Here's the obvious. Uh huh. Bunch of people calling in to give you jokes. It's meta. Jesus Christ. He's being met right in front of us. It's right in front of us. We were walking by that penny and we never got to pick it up in to give jokes. Never did. It's fucking meta. Get down the road. It's meta. This is one of those things. This is good because this kid working in an alternative room. Well, I don't know what they call those now, but like an alternative room where you can kind of go in there. They call those rooms. Oh just rooms now. Yeah. Now you can just go and people because that's where you go. It's like dude because this is a joke. I wrote by people calling in about the concept of people calling in to give me jokes and they're just going to be like whoa. Head to explode. This might involve the audience snapping and rhythm. Yeah, but I don't know yet. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm brain-stirping early. It might have more claptor than laughter on this joke. Which is fine. You'd be surprised how quick I could turn this into a fucking free Palestine message. Is that it? Blow mines, brothers. You blow mines. Punch it out. Thank you, Weez. Weez. Weez. Weez. What's the take one more here? Take one more. We got Jerry, Jerry in Kansas. Jerry. Yeah. You're on the bonfire. What's up, Jerry? Hey, I really enjoyed you guys. Thank you. Thank you, my man. You got some joke premise for us? Yeah, I expect every person on a scale and a police officer gets up on side of his truck with the clock to him and he says, Ow, now you got to come up with your reasons. What? Wait, I didn't understand almost 100% of that. I didn't get it. Black Lou act as he knew but then he didn't know at all. Do you say the gambit's slower and a different accent? Um, that's the only accent I have. I try a white guy accident. This guy couldn't be a writer. Yeah. Not your white guy like New York white guy like a rich white guy from New York. Like, Hey, how are you like that? Eddie Mer, talk like a black guy, white guy. Hey, how are you? There you go. Now say it again. All right. A truck drivers stops on a scale and the police officer gets up on the side of his truck and he says, Ow, now you come up with the reason why I have a story for it. Okay. Don't tell us that. That's not what I mean. Next week, we're going to have to get the actual thing we write a joke about. Why does the police officer? I'm right. You step up on truck, skate on truck. That's on scale. Truck is on the scale. Please have a step up on the truck to check it. Officer says, Ow, officer says, I get it. I get it. I get it. That's a challenge. That's a challenge. It's a bit of a riddle. I like that. I believe in you. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you, sir. Jerry, thank you. And you did a perfect black guy doing a white guy, by the way, really clear things up. My daughter was married to a black guy. So I think that's why. Oh, that's why you stay on that road truck and dude. That's why you stay on that road truck and oh my God, what are you going to do? Sitting there and tell them to turn their music down every single night. No way, dude. You know what they're doing in that room. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My wife, a daughter, I just ran away from her life when she was 12. So I never had to worry about those things. I was just with mine. So that was the problem. Oh, more. Thank you, Jerry. Thanks, buddy. You worked that one out. Can I tell you a story, please? Sure. I was in St. Louis delivering the X-ray machine at the airport one time. A what machine? X-ray. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I forgot. I forgot. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Thank you, Jerry. Walk out of the airport with a very well groomed standard poodle. Okay. So she's high end. Your dog's high end. I'm standing there with the police officer. She walks right over to the grass and lets the dog crap in a paper towel in her hand. Ooh. And the dog was looking back at her like, what in the hand are you doing? Oh, I feel like the dog is aware that she does this all the time. Yeah. That was the craziest thing I've ever seen. It's caught in a paper towel. What did she do with it though? Did she eat it? Or did she wrap it up and throw it? She did sniff it a little bit. I don't know what that all is about. Oh, man. She's into some sick shit. She's so sick. Those rich people are into some sick shit. I bet that goes back to the Epstein files. Oh, P. Diddy. Or at least P. Diddy. Yeah, P. Diddy paid her. At very least the punishment. Well, it's sad. Take that. Take that. Thank you so much, Jerry. Have my stand up put a shit in her napkin and smit it. Yo, shit my poop. It's the only way I come. Yo, I have to hire a male motherfucking stripper to come over here and doogie my girl's paper towel hand. Give me a favor. I want you to take the dog downstairs, have a shit in her paper towel in front of the cop. Damn. And then sniff it. If the girl lets you shit in her hand that she's got a paper towel and she loves you. Yeah. For sure. She loves that dog. Here's what we got so far, Bobby. Yes. We have Mustache Goes Into Nose. There's a premise. Okay. Running out of toilet paper and alternatives for that. I like that one. Running out of toilet paper in a public place. Yes. Which matters. Sure. Returning food on a date. So good. What? That's okay. Returning food on a date. The very meta idea that people are calling in to give us jokes and then we will be in fact doing a joke about people calling in to give us jokes. So it's people calling in to tell us. The joke itself will be about people calling in to give us jokes. When this joke in fact will be the joke you wrote. It's like one of those like, it's like when someone takes a picture of someone looking at a mirror, there's a thousand of you in that picture. It never ends. Never ends. And it got the whole world laughing. It's still my favorite thing ever, the weirdest when the guy on, was it Australia's Got Talent? The kid who came out with the big teeth and like he, I guess he stole jokes. The first, he did one of the first We Can Killed and then they finally stole jokes like before the next episode came out. And when he came out the next episode, he got the game, you know, he's moved on so they couldn't disqualify him. So then he comes out, they should have actually disqualified him, but they didn't say they had him come out and try again. And he goes out and he did instead of doing, he did like two or three jokes, bombed and then did a full stage production of I Started a Joke and sang the whole song with the background singers and everything. It's fucking crazy. You never seen that? Now. Now. Do you have that Christine? It's so worth it while I talk about these. I'm going to assign you one of these. So what, can we go through them all first? Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I thought we did. My apologies. You're right. Why? We have the riddle of why would the police officer who jumps up on the truck that's on the scale at the way station for truckers cop jumps up on the truck says, Al. Why? Um, yeah, we have a roadhead in the modern era, modern cars, modern cars, modern car between the sex basis from young to old, what they were when you were young to what they should be now. Difference between the sex basis between now and when you were young. When we were young. You're kidding. Yeah. Cardi B removes her BBL. Cardi B removes her BBL. That's what we heard so far. Not her BBC. Not her BBC. What do you say it removes her BBL? That's an implant or they just raise your ass? No, they just take out all the fat. It's all fat. So what, they put her fat? Well, because they got implants or if they got like just like that fat injection shit. So if she removes it, she's either getting fat sucked out or silicone, some balloon taking out. Something, yeah. She's getting something taken out, maybe. But therein lies the ha ha. Also, maybe this isn't true at all. That's right. Right. Therein lies the. She's undergoing further procedures to remove her remaining butt injections and implants. Okay. There you go. She's had to fix some issues from past illegal biopolymer silicone injections. Good, good, good. That's permanent. Yeah. I know. How about the people when it's like, didn't you see people got like a BBL and it's like, they put cement in my ass. Like cement. It's crazy. Easy. You just come out of that and you go, if they're a week ago, I don't think this is right. I think this is cement. Why, why don't you think it's right? I don't know, man. Because like, like local kids keep coming by and putting hand prints in there and they're just stay. I just watched, there's a documentary coming out on penis enlargement. Yeah. The girth only, girth only. Yeah. I bet you are. But there's two versions that you can do. You can either get some, it's kind of something acid that they put in, make your lips blow up. It's the same thing. They'll make your dick widen. Really? Really widen out. Yeah. I think it's going to change the way it feels though. That's the safest one. You have to do like multiple treatments. The acid is the safest one. That's the safest one because it dissipates. Okay. It's a filler, that natural filler that goes away. It'll go away. So your dick will be fatter for a little bit. Yes. You have to keep maintaining it. This is like when you're meeting a new girl. They're guys, they said that they're, a lot of them, they're already huge. They're just, they're crazy. They won't go. A lot of them are going broke doing this. They just can't stop widening out their, their penis. A lot of girls do that. Well, it's only going to get so wide, but you'll get to your maximum possible width. Well, what they do is they give you, they actually make you keep holding bigger sized dildos or something like that to say, this is what I want my penis to be. And then the doctor says, well, that's going to be seven procedures or seven injections. Well, can't they just make something up that actually makes a vagina smaller and tighter? Yeah. Instead of their big disgusting pussies that make my leaner feel small. Yeah. Can they just make that tighten up? Can they get like a- Can it be their fault? Can they get the stuff you put under your eyes to make the bags go away? They just rub it inside of a pussy so it tightens up. Yeah. We already make them get abortions and shit. Like, can't you just deal with all of it and shut up already? Yeah. Their body, their choice. Yeah. I think you can get your puss tight. But your body, your choice is just enough, shut up and make your pussy tight. Yeah, man. You can get your puss tightened, I think. Really? How? How'd you get your puss tight? Vaginal rejuvenation, they call it. Yeah. You can tighten your puss. It's in the Godfather book. I don't read the book. I saw the movie. But anyway, the second version of that is- You knew I didn't know that you'd get that asshole. You knew we both didn't know that. No, I said that before. I don't like the way he's saying it. He goes, you know that? No, I wouldn't. No, you know I didn't. You jerk off. You knew both of us didn't read the fucking Godfather book. That make you feel good? Yeah, you feel good now? You feel like a big man, Mr. fucking US soccer team? Yeah, Mr. fucking, we're not good enough to talk to ladies. The movie's much better. Okay. You're fine. But the other version is silicone and it's permanent. Silicone injections. But the problem is the silicone moves with time. So they end up like having a lot of them, it just clumps into like a pyramid at the head of the penis and it just looks like mangled. Oh yeah. And they end up having to have surgery and some of them can't be fixed. So it's a silicone injection. The permanent version of the silicone. And then your head turns into a pyramid? All the silicone travels. Look at all the bottom. It's just like, because your penis is down so it just, all the silicone just drops to the head of your penis. Like one of those, like, you know those monkeys with the big long noses, like one of those dicks? Like a monkey nose dick? Like a monkey nose dick? Worse, I think. Really? Yeah. You never saw those monkeys with the big dick noses? Mm-mm. Well, all right. Big monkey dick noses? You never saw the big monkey dick noses? Thought you were a documentary guy. Yeah, I thought you were into that stuff. I thought you were in the nature. I didn't make the documentary. I thought you were in the nature bird. If it's not written, you don't check it out. I thought you were a nature guy. Yeah. There you go. I thought you knew about nature. What is this? Is this their dicks with the thing with the silicone in it? Is that what it is? No, this is with the acid fillers. Oh, yeah. I'm going for hyaluronic acid. But do you have to have those lumps on your dick? I don't know. What's the girth change? It changes a lot. It varies. The more you do it, the thicker it gets. Could have fucked your bone or up. I don't think so. They said it's the safest one. I don't like that. Oh, that doesn't look good. Yeah, it looks like a missile dick. Yeah, I don't want. Yeah, that's the problem. I don't want my fucking, my shaft to get much thicker than my dick head. My dick head doesn't get thicker. That's what I'm saying. We're looking at picture. The guy's already got a big piece. Yeah, the guy had a solid dick already. I don't think you can get your dick head bigger. I think your dick head, the cake is baked. I think the dick part is flexible. Possibly, but that's what I'm saying. So I definitely would not want substantial girth change. First of all, that guy's dick right there was perfect, may I say. He's got a fantastic dick. Fantastic dick and then he ruined it. Now it looks like. That's what they said. Most of them already have a large penis. Now he has a water balloon dick. Yeah, but now it's ugly. Yeah, it's an ugly dick. That guy shouldn't have done that. Is there another example? Oh, God. It just looks odd. I only want foreskin dicks, please. All right, now here you go. Now this guy did the, what's the difference there though? What is his girth difference? Sorry, it keeps jumping on that. Where'd he go? Where's this guy's thickness? That's a, I don't know if you can, if there's pictures of the mangled ones, but apparently it's disgusting. Let's see. He had a four point, seven. I hate this sight. I hate it too. Well anyway. I mean, it can go like a two inch difference. The mangled took me to like a surgery thing. I'm trying to find just a, I think like that's it. God. What's one is that? Where the silicone all goes into the head. Get that out of here. Get that out of here. Yeah. I don't want to see it. No. No. Why are you scrolling? I hate it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Why shouldn't it have been taking the guy's full cock off? Oh, fuck. They talked about one guy apparently. He lost his entire family. He just kept going for injections. They had no money. They couldn't afford food, but he kept going for injections. That looks good. He had to move back with an ex-girlfriend and then move back with his mom. And he still goes back for an injection. So you get addicted to it. I want this in theory, but I gotta be honest, none of them look good. You get addicted to it. Nice. I think the thing is to stop. Like one or one might be alright. Well, let's, Jay, we gotta pick these jokes right now. No, we don't. We can get more suggestions. I'm not coming in tomorrow. Oh. I'm going to work on my jokes all day. Shit. Well, I'll tell them to you when we get the more tomorrow. Bobby's going to be at Comics Roadhouse April 17th and 18th. Let's not forget this Thursday. Oh, that's right. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. My apologies. You can catch them in Cleveland, Ohio, Uncle Vinnie's in New Jersey, New Orleans, and so many more at punchup.live slash Robert Kelly's YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy and every Tuesday night, 7 p.m. the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge right at the Comedy Soap. But I will be at the Roadhouse the 17th and the 18th. Yes. I will be there. And Big Jay, this weekend, Comedy on State, Best Club, one of the best clubs in the country and the world, this weekend 19th through the 21st. After that, he'll be in Phoenix Tempe, St. Louis for all tickets and tour dates. Go to bigjacomedy.com and go to his YouTube page, youtube.com slash at Big Jay, Ocasin. This crazy train, Irish. That's it, baby. Happy St. Patty's Day, everybody. Happy St. Patty's Day. Go get drunk. Thank you all so much for being here. It's our wedding. 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