Exes And Oh NOs | Reading Reddit Stories

Hello and welcome to Smoshreads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane and today's theme is X's or people who are on their way to becoming X's. In fact, most of the stories we got today come from the subreddit, Am I the X, which is a fave of mine. I am joined by two people who are, they're not X's. They're here right now. They're in my life. Ian and Damian. Hello. Hey. I'm great to see you man and hey, sometimes you can be friends with the next two. Oh, totally. But also sometimes you don't want to. Sometimes no. And if you ever want to play two true split live with me, you know, yeah, I know. Sure. At some point you gotta forgive yourself for that. I never will. Okay. No, it'll stay with me till the end of my days. We just gotta get someone to do something way worse. Yeah. It'll, that's balance. Yeah. Call up Thanos. I was gonna, as all things should be. Yeah. Look, this night I got a gas station. Oh. I think I'm always amazed when people do things that they don't realize is going to end their relationship. Yeah. When they, like, we'll read so many stories where people do something so heinous. And they're like, yeah, so do you think my girlfriend's mad at me or my boyfriend's mad at me? It's like, they're not your boyfriend anymore. They're gone. Yeah. It almost scares me. Like people are so unaware sometimes. It's also the level of unaware that like, well now I'm gonna go ask the internet about it because something can't be right here. Yeah. Like, right. Yeah. It's like a main character's kind of thing, maybe. Yeah. When everyone knows that we are the main characters. Exactly. Exactly. We're the protagonists. We all dress the same color scheme today. That blue matches your eyes perfectly and I just want to say that. Thanks, Damien. All right. So shall we hop in? Yeah. Ready. Hey, let's do it. I love me some relationship drama. So it's, let's go. Uh, toxically, I love it. Oh god. We're gonna fix some things here today for these folks. We're gonna do some good today. I think so. All right. So our first story comes from Am I the X and also Am I the asshole? This was posted in February of 2023. Mm. Am I the asshole for demanding my girlfriend tell me her author's pen name. Okay. I, a 32 year old man, have been dating Shavon, a woman who's 32 for six months now. She's always been very vague about what she does for a living, saying things like writing and working from home writing. But recently, one of her friends mentioned something and I finally dragged it out of her. She's an author. She writes and self-published romance and erotic stories and novels. And while not rich, she's able to make a living out of it. I googled her name and couldn't find anything so I confronted her about this. She said she's writing under a pen name so I demanded she give it to me so I know what she does. She refuses saying she doesn't want it to be leaked even by accident and no one knows. I accused her of not trusting me and she still refused which was really annoying. I tried a nicer approach and told her that I want to know her fantasies so I can try it out with her and she told me that what she writes aren't her fantasies but her readers and she's still not going to tell me. At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen names but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn't trust me and it's not fair because I have a right to know what she writes, especially since it's a sensitive topic and I don't know her if I don't know her pen name. She was furious that I tried to look on her laptop and told me to go home. Before leaving, I told her when she calls to apologize I expect to get her pen name with the apology. She called me an asshole on my way out. I thought she'd call by now but she hasn't. My sister told me I was the asshole and I should apologize but I just don't see it and need a second opinion. Was I the asshole? I don't know if we get the answer on this but should we take guesses on what the material is? I'm going to say it's either Bigfoot or We're Wolf. Bigfoot? Yeah. Bigfoot, erotica. Yeah, it's really big. I never thought it would have to be. I never thought about that as a genre but I guess that would make sense. The problem though Ian is that you're displaying the same morbid curiosity that this asshole is. Yeah, you can't do that. She doesn't want us to know. I mean, I don't think it's necessary. It's not his business really to know exactly what she's writing but I would be very curious but I wouldn't try to break into her computer to find out. How he started was I demanded she tell me. It's like, well, you've already lost. Like, you've already failed. You will tell me. You failed this already. And then yeah, she didn't trust you. You told her like, oh, you have trust issues. So I invaded her privacy by checking her laptop. To be fair by proving her point. Yeah, I think she was on to something by not telling you. Yeah. And look, I would understand the feeling of insecurity or the feeling of her if you were dating, if you were with someone or married to someone for like a decade. You're like, oh, you're writing stuff under a pen name and you weren't telling me like, oh, what is that? Like, I want to know everything. I want to know. Six months is still to me early on when like you're getting to know each other a little bit still. Yeah. And yeah, that trust isn't fully there. Like, I think that's fair to say when you're dating someone for six months, you maybe don't fully 100% trust them yet. Like, that is what dating is. Is that a wild thing to say? I don't know. I don't think that's a wild thing to say, but I think she brings up a good point there where it's not just about trusting the person. She's like, I don't want it leaked by mistake. I mean, I've had things where people will look like at a story on Instagram and zoom in and zoom in and zoom in and see something on someone else's phone and be like, oh, that's the info. Like, it's so hard to keep things private. And like as actors, we sign NDAs. You know, it's not wrong of the writer here to be curious. It is also not at all wrong for Shivan to want their privacy. Yeah. But it's that kind of conversation where it's like, all right, can you be in a relationship where you don't get to know everything about your partner's professional life? Like, it kind of sounds like it's up to that as opposed to like, I deserve. I deserve to know it. Yeah, absolutely. He also goes on to say, oh, yeah, I want to know what your fantasies are so that I can try it out with you. It's like, that is not how this works. I mean, not reading a book. Yeah. You can talk to her at best. Yeah. It's like, oh, I like the Fast and Furious movies. Oh, should we go 150 on the freeway? It's like, no, like that's a movie. Yeah. I want to watch the movie. That's different than real life. And I feel like a lot of, frankly, just from the stories we read, it seems like a lot of guys seem to really not understand the whole approach to reading erotic novels. Like they are like, oh, this is something you want to do. It's like, not exactly. This is something I want to read. Right, but this is, but she's writing. She's writing. She's writing, and she makes the point. She makes the point of, these aren't my fantasies. These are my readers' fantasies. Yeah. She's writing something that she's selling. She's got a market. I mean, big foot, big market. Trust me. Trust me. And this is how she's making a living. So she is probably past the point. I'm sure she started writing from like a real place. But now she's probably got demands to meet. Like she's like, this is my living. I got to write what I think people are going to like. Yeah. You know? She's probably trying to find her own fantasies there, but yeah, she's making a product now. So also, yeah, starting with demand is crazy. E-lost, yeah. Yeah. I demand. I don't think of anything that I've ever demanded from a partner unless it's like, no, I can't even think like, you can say like for myself to stay comfortable in this, I need us to make these changes. Are you amenable to that? Right. Demanding something is crazy. It's, well, it's that's transparent blatant controlling behavior, right? It's like, hey, you have to do this. I'm telling you to do this. That's just not what I'm saying. And it's kind of crazy. Yeah, that's a huge red flag. Yeah. In this house, we write dragon smut. I demand you to write dragon smut. I think he's the ex already and doesn't realize it. Vertict was, he's the asshole. Yeah. Comments, you're the asshole. I have a right to know what she writes based on what you want to know what she writes. Don't confuse that with having any sort of right to the information. 69,000 upvotes. Nice. Let's go. Let's go. And Reddit kept it there. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody else liked it. Thank you for the gold kind stranger. Well, someone said, I can't believe she doesn't trust me, he said, as he attempted to break into her laptop. Someone said, you're the asshole with bells on. She wants to write erotic up from the safety of anonymity. You don't get to remove that. You're a double asshole for expecting an apology. If she were here half the sub, more like 95%, would be urging her to dump your controlling ass that would probably dox her in the event of a messy breakup. Someone said, you're the asshole and you spelled ex-girlfriend wrong. Nice. Got him. My ex-girlfriend. And that's why you'll never be a writer. Yeah. Truly. Wow. Okay. All right. That's a nice, that's a nice easin. I'm sure things are probably going to get a little, a little, uh, tossier. Cause he did. Yeah. Cause he was demanding. He tried to do something fucked up. He didn't fully succeed. He sucked at it. And thankfully. So I have a feeling these are going to get worse. Yeah. Where people actually do some heinous thing. Yeah. If you guys were to write Smut, what would you do? Morning glory. Yeah. Morning glory. I'm looking for my, I read it. No, like truly, I need more suggestions from people cause I'll read anything. Wait, was that like a minus? So is it a minotaur? What was it? A minotaur? Minotaur. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't know. Mythological piece. They're minotors. They're minotors. Yeah. It's a fantasy world where all these fantasy creatures exist. And that author goes on to write a bunch of novels about all sorts of monsters that people be fucking. But really, just the minotaur was what, really. That's the first one. At least that's the one that I read. I've not read any other. I've not read any other erotica. But I'm just that one. I'm down. Okay. I'll read anything. I actually on purpose when, in my reading, I'm just a fun fact. I try not to repeat genres. So I'll read a horror novel and be like, okay, next I'm going to read a classic lit and then I'll have to that'll be like, oh, I need to read a mystery and then after that I'll be like, I'll read a sci-fi. I like to jump around because I'm not like I'm not a genre of person. Where's Waldo? Yeah. Oh yeah, I'll jump to like Good Night Moon. Yeah. Yeah, I feel good to have John. What would be your smut topic of choice? Because I feel like you asked us and that's great. Sure. But I feel like you want to be asked. Oh, I never really thought about that before. Like the embodiment of a highway. Yeah, oh yeah. Like someone probably says, oh car smut. Car smut. Well that exists. Yeah, you're right. You've told me about a movie about someone fucking a car. She talked. Oh, well, it was my strange addiction of a guy that was fucking a car. But I'm thinking anthropomorphic cars. Yes. Oh my God, cars, cars, cars, cars. Like the Pixar movie, but then a people. Yeah. Hey. Well, they're not people. Right, but they're, oh, so you're just saying in the cars universe them having sex with each other. Yeah, of course. They gotta do something. Well, how else are they gonna make more cars? All right. We bailed them out. Anyway. You didn't ask me. Damien, what would you do? Damien, what kind of smut would you write? Oh, well. No, I think I would probably, it would have to be like, someone is super obsessed with a video game, but all the characters are like, man, that guy that plays this game is like so attractive. I wish we weren't stuck in this game. Ooh. So it'd be like someone like playing like a hero shooter, like an over watch or something. And they're like, oh, I sure do like this character and the character's like, wow, we actually like you too. Okay. Is that like Ready Player One? No, this is a new one. This is a different one, man. Don't work the show. Our next story comes from Am I the Ascle and Am I the X from about May of 2025. So earlier this year or last year, depending on when this is released. Because we're filming this in June of 2025. Yeah. All right. Am I the Ascle for adopting a dog after I thought my boyfriend broke up with me? Okay. My boyfriend was going through a tough time and he said he needed a break. He said he was going to press pause on our relationship and go visit his family in Washington. I asked how you pause a relationship because I don't understand how that works. He said he needed some time to work on himself and ask me to respect that. After he left, I reached out to him a few times via text asking him to let me know he arrived safe and to say hi to his mom for me. I received no response. I tried to call and left a message asking if he had broken up with me. I came to the conclusion that he'd ghosted me and my friends agreed. I was bombed and my best friend recommended I find something like a new hobby or a new show to watch that wouldn't make me think of my boyfriend. I decided to get a dog. My boyfriend is horribly allergic to pet dander so I never even considered getting a pet. However, since he broke up with me, I decided to get one. He's a senior dog from the shelter that needed rescuing. He's low energy and likes to lay with his head in my lap while I read, work or watch TV. Here six weeks away, my boyfriend texted me that he was back and coming over tomorrow, which was yesterday, so we could talk. I was shocked and texted him back asking what he was talking about. He said he was back and ready to unpause our relationship. He said he would talk to me about everything the next day. I texted back asking what relationship? He didn't answer. Yesterday, he showed up and told me he had done a lot of self-examination and was ready to move forward on his life path. He even wanted to talk about moving in together. Then he saw my dog and started freaking out. He asked me how I could get a dog when I know how sick he gets. I told him that since he broke up with me, I didn't think it mattered. He said he didn't break up with me. I said he ghosted me. He said he communicated with me telling me he was pressing pause and visiting family. I said not answering texts is ghosting. We argued in circles and then he said he had to leave because he was getting an allergic reaction, even though he was standing in the doorway, not inside. I feel like he broke up with me and it was okay that I got a dog. He says that he never did and therefore it's a horrible act of disregard to have gotten a dog. Which of us is right? My best friend said I should break up with him because he's a jerk. I don't think I should have to break up with someone that already broke up with me. If I break up with him, I'm basically agreeing with him that he didn't break up with me and therefore I was an asshole for getting the dog, right? Okay. The semantics of it of like, I didn't fire you. You fired me or whatever. Who cares? I'm kind of at that point where I'm like, it doesn't really matter. You just don't want to deal with this guy anymore. And you got a head start. But he pressed pause guys. It's like a video game. Life is like a video game. You know? The system will overheat if you leave it on for six weeks. And it'll burn in on the screen. Yeah. When I read the title, I was thinking or when it first started and he was like, oh, I took a break. I was like, oh, it was a week and she got a dog. Yeah. Six weeks. Like, oh, the next day you went and got a dog. It's like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Six weeks? That's great. That's a breakup. Of like, no context. Six weeks. No context is great. No. No context is great. No. You get to pause for two months. Doing something like a break is so, so, so specific. Whether it's a break, whether it's taking space, taking time, you have to put the boundaries there. You have to have the until when. When is it safe for us to come together and talk? Are we going to have check-ins? Whatever. For him to just be like, okay, Don, block for six weeks is nuts. Also when he says like moving forward to his life plan, if he was visiting family out of town for six weeks, does the man not have a job? Like, what? Yeah. What's going on? He put a pause on his job. Okay. I put a pause. Hey, boss, I got to put a pause on the job. Yeah. No, no, no, no, I'm actually not fired. What do you mean? No, no, no, no. So you'll keep paying me. I'm not coming in for a while. Yeah. And that's how it goes. Yeah. The audacity. But I'm going to have to put a pause on pooping. Dude, that would be so bad for you. Oh, well, you know what? I put a pause on it. Okay. I think there's the middle, I mean, she's putting all these stipulations of like, oh, well, I don't want it to be that like, I'm agreeing that we didn't break up. It's like, no, you kind of did. Like, he worded it so badly. He communicated it so horribly. Like, you guys did break up. Like, if you believed you broke up then, and you were moved on, then you broke up. Yeah. Like, that's fine. And he didn't text you for six weeks. Yeah. And she has- And there's no agreement either. No. I'm leaving. I'm putting a pause. And then she's like, what are you talking about? And then just got nothing in response. So there was no agreement on- Yeah. Plus the like, I'll be here tomorrow. Like this guy sucks a lot. Yeah. Like, I'm doing this now. Yeah. Yeah. No, she absolutely dodged a bullet because he has- he's just showing such disregard for her and her life. It's like, oh, you're this thing that I get to like- I get to make all the decisions. Right. Yeah. I'm back. Yeah, actually we're doing this. When it's convenient for me. Yeah. And six weeks is a lot of time that- Time's long, too. That it's like, oh, so you're going to come back after six weeks and you're assuming she's the same. Yeah, she's mourned for however many weeks. She's gone through all the stages. She's called her friends eating ice cream on the phone at night being like, why would this happen? She's moved on and gotten a dog. And now it's like, even on her end of like if she wanted this, I don't know how you reconnect after that. Also though, even if they had communicated a break and she goes, I understand, we're going on a break, we're putting our relationship on pause for six weeks. He goes away, he goes, you know what, I've grown and I've learned and I've realized I want to do this, I want to move in together. She had six weeks to do the same- Same. To go, you know what, and I've decided I want to move on. I was really happy when you were here. And I see that happen a lot. I've heard about that happening and then the person who initiates it is blown away. Yeah. Like, oh yeah, because you weren't thinking about your partner. You're so focused on yourself. So yeah, maybe you do have to work on yourself and figure some more things out. I also just like, I don't know. I guess I'm a little suspicious of people if they're like, I'm going on a break and I'm leaving town for six weeks. Yeah. It's like, what are you doing during that time on this break? Yeah. And then there's also, I feel like when people go on breaks, there's also, there's maybe I feel like people don't always communicate. Okay, but are we seeing other people? Right. Can we do that? Are you just going off to like- It's a good point. Go, you know, get- Are you telling- Are you testing something else out there? Yeah. It doesn't work so you're like, oh yeah, no, let's move back in together. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if there was something like that going on here. Yeah. Little hometown hottie, you know? Yeah, I was going to say a little hometown hottie. Little hometown hottie. Little hometown hottie. Written by Ian Heakus. All right, that's my smut book. Oh, hometown hottie. It is Bigfoot. We're here in Oregon. My summer with Squatch. No. Yeah, yeah, because like a week or two is like, okay, yeah, you were going through something. Six weeks is like, did you go have a full-on relationship somewhere else? Yeah. Somewhere back. Yeah, I would never be able to handle that. No. Like I'd be like, no, we're done. The hometown, like the fact that it's hometown just like, because you know- High school ex. Yeah, there's just those things where you'd like, when you were in high school, you'd always wondered about this one girl where like the timing just didn't match up. And then now she's single and then you're kind of wondering. It's a whole hallmark movie. Yeah. Like is it Caleb Herron or Mateo Lane? One of those like popular comedians you see a lot on TikTok that's like, a hallmark movie is like a girl with a guy whose whole problem is just like, I have to close this deal. Or it's, you know, it's going to set us up for like 10 years and we're going to be totally fine. And then she goes home and it's just like the first guy standing there. He's just a guy. And I'm like, he's wearing a flannel shirt. Oh, he's always a shopping flannel. Shopping shirt. A court of wood. A hundred percent. Yeah. So it's like, I feel like that kind of happened. I was like, I'm going to go to my hometown and then wow, she's there. It's always been after six weeks. It's like, no, hallmark movie suck. He's a little sweet. He fully ghosted her, right? This isn't just like he was minimal contact. Whatever. He fully ghosted her. And she texted him, leaving a message asking if he had broken up with me. And he did not respond. And that, if I'm in her situation, I'm taking that as a yes. You'll be broken up. And her friends clearly did. So if he comes back and anything, I'll just do a show him that text and go, you didn't respond to this. And then I didn't hear from you for six weeks. I have no choice. I don't get to sit here forever. I will say this might not even be necessary. But like the only benefit of the day is that I'm going to be able to do it. I will say this might not even be necessary. But like the only benefit of the doubt I'd ever give to somebody like that is I have had a legitimate situation before where in a dating situation someone was like, you haven't been like responding to any of my stuff. And I'm like, I didn't even notice that you texted. And it was like, I don't think I'm getting notifications for you. And I literally had to get, I had this moment of like, can you text me right now? And I like held up my phone. I was like, it's not popping up. Oh, no. I had to like turn off notifications, turn it back on. Like it fixed it. But there was, there's always like the half of a percent chance that something like that is going on. But for him, not even try on his end. He's not even reached out. He sucks. And to go, and to go therapy speak for five seconds, it's giving a voidant. Yeah. I think that's giving a voidant attachment style. Vertic, verdict not the asshole. Comments, which of us is right? Do the semantics actually matter? Six weeks of no contact. And he just decides to magically show up again. And he thinks you should have unpaused your life just because he said so. Block him and move on. He does not have any right to disappear without communication. Reappear as if nothing happened and expect you to be okay with it. I'm willing to bet good money that if you accept this behavior once, it will become reoccurring for the rest of your relationship slash life. Nobody has time for that nonsense, not the asshole. Someone else said, from what I've seen of breaks, there are rules discussed about what is and is not. Okay, during the course of a pause for the play button to still work, he wouldn't even answer a text clarifying whether he'd broken up with her or not. If he'd really wanted time to think and to protect the relationship at the time, he would have answered that text. The dog is the best. F you were done response. She gets a lovely puffer and he has reason to stay gone. Someone said, I wonder who he was trying to get with that didn't work out during those six weeks. Tell him to shove his gas light right up his ass. Yeah, a lot of comments also went along with that line of like, the six week amount. That's so much. I try not to jump to cheating. Right. Like they're cheating on you. But six weeks is a lot of time and it's a specific amount of time. And it's out of town. It's out of town. It's a sp- it's a sp- it's a sp- it's a sp- it's a sp- it's a sp- it's a sp- it's hell. And like taking time apart or like taking a step back can be fine, but the idea where it's like, even if there weren't someone else involved, if you don't want to talk to this person even a little bit for six weeks, you should be in a relationship. I think he straight up blocked her or silence notifications, which again leads me to think the cheating thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think in my real life when talking to people with anything related to this type of situation or just suspicious behavior or whatever or just red flags, I don't bother with the concept of them cheating. If it doesn't even matter. Yeah. Because I'm like, what he did, even if he went and he wasn't cheating on you, is still enough to break up with him. Absolutely. You can ponder if he cheated on you. Does it make a difference? No. I think you're gonna go about the same decision moving forward. You're looking for an answer in situations like that. Like what is the reason? What's gonna make this easier? But you're just trying to find control in a situation where you have none. And to the day, he screwed you over big time. Right. So, finally, someone said, Guy reply, you're not the asshole. You replaced him with a far more stable and emotionally mature partner. Well done. Give that dog some hugs and go out on walks, scoping for a new guy with your four-legged wingman. Nice. God, when it suck of the dog was like gaslighting her too. She's like, you got a way better dog. It's just like, you're acting crazy and everyone's the dog. Whoa! Don't say, hey, I need to go to another house. You actually didn't give me dinner. Yeah, yeah. My cat's gaslight us. I will feed them. 20 minutes later, Courtney will come down and they'll start meowing. And I'm like, they're trying to trick you. They're trying to trick you. And they'll look at me like, how dare you fucking betray us. We're trying to get second dinner. You're not a hobbit. You're a cat. They're bastards is what they are. Next story. This one comes from relationship advice. We got this, buddy. It comes from mid-2023. Good year. This is pretty mid. A fine year for Reddit stories. Yeah. Okay, this is a 40-year-old woman, my husband, who's 41, together six years, snooped on my phone and found out about something I did years ago before we met. Does he have a right to be mad? I'll get straight into it. For some reason, recently, he started to think I'm messaging and meeting other men. I'm not. I've never messaged anyone since the day of our first date and I've certainly not met anyone. I don't know where this has come from. We have each other's passcodes for our phones, but I've never once felt the need to look at his and I don't mind him using mine. But reading my messages, I do mind, as I don't think it's fair on the people I'm talking to. On to what happened. I went to the shops the other day and I left my phone at home. When I got back, my husband got in my face and called me a slag and a tramp and all sorts of other nasty names. He went through my Facebook messages and found a message from 16 years ago. Come on, brother. At the time, at the time I was so poor having just lost my job and having bills to pay. I applied for hundreds of jobs and needed my card to get to interviews. It broke down not terribly, but it needed a new alternator. I messaged a couple of friends who were mechanics and both wanted over 100 pounds, which was a good quote, but I just couldn't afford it. I offered one of them, I'd send him a couple of nudes for now and pay him when I got a job. He agreed and within a day I was back on the road. Once I had a job, I offered to pay him and everything was fine. The mechanic is sadly dead now, so my husband has nothing to be wary of. That's... Okay, I must have meant some real bad bitches. I was thinking that. Or so good. That he saw me and he was like, oh, yeah. I was like, I'm trying to get out of the ass to the stage. Yeah, it turns out he exploded. Like a holy grail or whatever. Yeah, yeah. In the Jones, like, based melted. Okay, after he had finished ranting and raving at me, I told him I'll never forgive him for looking through my phone and invading my privacy. I asked if he'd found anything else and he said, no. I said, see, how many times do I have to tell you? In fact, I'm done telling you. I picked a few things and I left for my sisters where I still am now. Is what I did 10 years before I met him really that bad? I'm starting to think he's projecting with all these accusations constantly and now I'm starting to doubt him. Once trust has been broken like this, can it be repaired? Okay. The projection thing's interesting because that does almost make me... And, you know, I guess I shouldn't always assume cheating. But it is kind of weird that he was like fishing for something to be like... See, you did this because I don't know, maybe it's... It's very common. It is unfortunately a big telling song. Yeah. It is. As far as my understanding and certainly anecdotally, it's very common of like, they become suspicious because it starts to be like, well, I'm doing this thing to them. Yeah. Maybe doing it to me. Like... It's something to justify it to and like, I guess I don't know fully why it happens but it seems to be the case a lot of the time here. And also to like, answer the main question, no, she shouldn't feel guilty. She shouldn't feel guilty at all. It's her choice on what to do with her body. She did it in a way that was just like, person to person. You know, is it right of the guy to accept that? At the same time, she was in a place of need and she had to do what she had to do and she did it. And you know what? I applaud her ingenuity. I mean, whoever thought of doing a layaway like that, you know? Like, being like, I can't pay you yet. Well, this hold you over. Brilliant. I mean, look, yeah. I agree. Wow. It happened 16 years ago. Yeah. Right? And I would let things slide far beyond that for what you did 16 years ago, right? Yeah. And especially like, as she's describing it, like, hey, I was in a bind. And I didn't know what to do. And she was a young person, like trying to figure it out. Yeah. But her husband's coming at her with inexcusable things, right? Like, it's one thing, I would say it'd be one thing if he was like, oh, like, you never told me about this. And I'm curious. But she doesn't owe him that. But just I could see him being like, oh, like, I didn't know this. But the problem is how he found it out was in a way that already just completely destroys everything. Absolutely. And like, this is the math year kind of hurts my feelings a little bit. But when you think about, like, it's like, yeah, 16 years ago, it's like, well, she's 40 now. And you're like, yeah, it was whatever. It was back then. She was 24. Right. That's a young person. Yeah. And as she said, she was like, I was in a bind. I was going through a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I think she's talking about once trust has been broken, like, this cannot be repaired. She's talking on her end. I think, and I've said this before, when you're already in a place where it's like, I need to stoop through my partner's phone, I'm like, this is already so bad. Yep. If you're feeling that way, either, yeah, he's already cheated on her. So that's why he's that way. Or it's like, if you're feeling that way, you need to go to a couple of therapists. Yeah. That is so hard to like just, how do you fix that, right? It is a massive question. And I don't know what the answer is. I don't know. Also, also, slag. Is that some crazy, yeah. What the hell is that? It's your turn. It's your turn. It's like your turn. It's like your turn. It's like your turn. Oh, it is. It's British. It is. I knew it. I don't know. He's going through something. Right. I don't trust him. I don't really got to ever call. No matter how angry I'd be, like, you don't call someone, let alone a partner, like, a slug, like, whatever. That's not. Yeah, that's verbal abuse, right? Yeah. I mean, he's gone to that realm. That's enough now to be like, you should not be with him. No. Because where is this going from here? There's only getting it worse. Also, he's 41. isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation isolation for sexual stuff from before a relationship, right? Where it's like, because there's been other stories where people are like, oh yeah, I found out my partner slept with X amount of people before we were dating and like, I have a huge problem. It's like, but you're here now, like, I don't know. Like that was years before you guys were dating. Like, you're in the relationship now. How do you feel like if you're having trust issues, then that's its own thing. You gotta figure that out. This, I mean, yeah, I am contradicting myself from the previous one. This is making me jump to he's cheating. Like, hardcore. I'm like, this guy's cheating on her. I'm feeling like. He's the slag. Yeah. Like, how far back on, like, messages was he's squallagged? There's gotta be something in here. Like, 16, you have to go back 16 years of messages? That's, it's true. You think about that, man. He is snooping. It's almost like he's trying to find a reason. He's also, yeah, he's looking. He's looking for like, you're not as bad as I am. Or like, I need to break up with you and I need to find a reason. Yeah. Like, the human mind does a lot. Come on, update. Comments. I'd be more upset with the name calling than the snooping, but I'd also be questioning his sanity for flipping out about something from 16 years ago. When you didn't even know him, fucking batch it. He's probably cheating on you, dude. Oh, he said, I was upset about it all to be honest. I've said a few times, is he projecting? Someone said he's definitely up to something. And when he found that, it was the only thing he found that he could accuse you of. Not that it matters because anything you did before you even met him is none of his business. Someone else said, your husband is looking for reasons to divorce you. It's time to give him what he wants. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. What? Update. Yeah. All right, one month later. OK. Lots of happy and happy to meet him. What do I think he was cheating? I think, yeah. I feel pretty confident in that bet. But I don't know if she'll ever, I don't know if she's figured it out. But I don't think they're together. Oh, I think the mechanic is back. Oh, back from the dead. Back from the dead. He chases the husband around the house. And once the husband's in the corner, the zombie says, like, the moods were good. And then just like, the yeast, the nose was like, oh, there's a heart attack in the ass. That's good. All right. I like it. Back story. For months, my husband has been suspicious that I'm cheating. Even though I've never even messaged another man since before our first date. He snooped on my phone and found a message from 16 years ago, 10 years before we got together, where I was short of money, so I sent a mechanic some nudes in lieu of payment for supplying and fitting an alternator. He called me all sorts of names, and I got mad back and said, I'll never trust him, and I think he's projecting. On to the update. And like many of you suggested, he was projecting, and he's the one who's cheating. Oh, poor thing. There it is, ladies and gentlemen. That sucks. I left for my sisters for a few days when I wrote that post, driving past a premiere in near her house and saw his car outside, waited by it for three hours where he eventually emerged with another woman. He said it was the first time, and he thought we'd split up. She said to him, what are you talking about, and who is this, referring to me? He literally ran off like a coward. I spoke to this woman who turned out to be lovely, and she said they'd been seeing each other for over a year. Oh, no, no, don't step up. He told her he was living with his religious parents after leaving his wife, so that's why they can never go back to his place and had been staying in hotels. She was such a lovely young woman, and I ended up having to console her and took her home myself. As for us, I'm back at home, and he is now back at his parents, who were very disappointed in him when they heard the news and have been lovely to me. I've started divorce proceedings, but that'll be about a year away, I'd imagine. So he's just a time traveler, because he got his timeline mixed up, because now he's living with his parents. Yeah, he is living with his parents. And he divorced his wife. He's been in a divorce. Yeah. He just messed up the timeline. That's really what happened. That's how he went 16 years back in time to read those messages. That's right. It happens to the best of us. What if he killed the mechanic? I think I found my smut both to write. Time fucker. It's a fucking time fucker. Yeah, I can't be too shocked by this. The timeline adds up that for a few months he's been suspicious of her. It's like he started cheating, and then it's just like, for a year. I don't know the logistics are like the psychology behind it, but I have heard that when people cheat, they grow resentful of the person they're cheating on. And I'm like, that's so interesting how that works, but that seems to be what happened here. Yeah. I mean, he lost his mind, right? It poisons you. And I think he probably was looking for an out, and if he could blame it on her, then that would put him in maybe a more favorable position for the divorce. Yeah. Yeah. Donnie Moore. Yeah. My favorite genre of Reddit story, if it involves cheating, is like, I met the other person and actually they were sick and we high five all the time. I'm like, yeah! I'm like, I just, I love that. It's very nice that she did not blame her, because this woman didn't know. No. And hopefully this other woman is not going to stay with him either. Well, I would imagine not. She has also been cheated on for a year. Yes, correct. In the comments, that was very nice of you to console her. Please be sure to tend to your own emotions as well. Gotta look out for number one. Oh, he said, to be honest, I was already 80% certain I was going to divorce him after the name calling and snooping. So this didn't devastate me as much as it normally would. Someone said, I really hope his mother and father know that he abandoned the girl he conned into a relationship at the motel, and that you were kind enough to take her home. What a man. Oh, he said, I told them he abandoned a 23 year old, 30 miles from her home. Talk about age gap. You got to say age gap. When she said lovely young woman, I went, because I was like, God, she sounds like she's talking about like a 24 year old. He's doing the midlife crisis thing. He really did. He's 40, dating a 23 year old. Yeah, brother. He did it. He did it. He did it. And now he's alone. Well, no, he's not alone. He's with his parents. Oh. I mean, his parents. Cresson T'N'Hant, I was with my parents. This story, this comes from Emma the asshole and Emma the ex. It was posted in spring of 2024. All right. A fine year. A room spring. Emma the asshole for photoshopping my boyfriend's ex out of pictures when he was at work. All right. OK. This is a 27 year old woman. My boyfriend, who's 36 of a year, was married in his early 20s and has two kids with his ex. He has three family pictures in his house that have her in the pictures. In one, it's her with the kids in the middle of the two of them. In another, it's him with the kids and her off to the right sort of in the background. In the third, it was him and her together with the two kids and Mickey Mouse, Disney. She put in parenthesis, Disney. Disney. Oh, I was thinking of the other Mickey Mouse. Yeah, just so you know, Princess Disney's. Yeah, Disney's. Yeah, Disney's. She has been awful to me and I hate seeing her face. I've asked him to take the pictures down several times, but he says they are special memories with the kids. Well, yesterday I had enough. I used a scanning app on my phone to scan the photos, then paid someone on Fiverr to remove her from the photos. All three of the photos look professionally done. It's the same photos just without her. I then went to Walmart and had them print new pictures in the same size. I put them in the frames. I put the originals in a desk drawer. When my boyfriend came home, I asked him if he noticed anything different. He didn't, which is what I suspected. The photos look great now and still have him in his kids. I pointed at one of the pictures. He got livid, telling me that I was being a jealous Nancy. I admit that I laughed because what is a jealous Nancy? It's kind of like a slag. Yeah. Well, the laughing really set him off. He asked for the originals back and said he was going to put them back up and gave me an ultimatum to either accept his past relationship or move on. I said, I guess you don't want to be with a jealous Nancy. And he said, no. I laughed again and he asked me to leave. I have not heard from since but expect him to get over it. Really, this woman has been terrible to me. I'm not going to get started on it, but she has been cruel to me to the point of him breaking contact with her, except by text to talk about the kids. I think I have every right to not want to see her face. One of the pictures is in his bedroom, even. Maybe I should just get over it. I felt like I was doing him a favor because at least I didn't just cut her out, which was my original plan. Am I the asshole? Edit. The great relationship with his children, much to the ex's chagrin, several of you have assumed that I was the other woman in the relationship. I was not. They were divorced long before I met him. You are right that there was infidelity in their relationship. She cheated with two men that we know of. That's why they divorced. Also for the people calling this fake, I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm starting to wish that it was because that would be easier than all of you calling the names. Besides, jealous Nancy, which is still funny. All right. There is one keyword in there that I think is kind of important. She said, his bedroom. This is his place. They don't live together. It's been a boyfriend of a year. They said yes. I guess that's the one. I think that's weird behavior to be honest. On her part. Yes. It's super immature. Yes. And it's clearly his things. It's his place. If somebody came into my house and started changing my photos, that's weird behavior. Right. But also to be like, did you notice anything? Did you notice anything? Yeah, what's the fault? Yeah, I'm not going into my house and going, that picture looks the same. That picture looks the same. Yeah. Like, why did you... It's kind of the thing that I feel sometimes where I'm like, okay, if you're going to do something shitty and secretive and deceitful, to do it well. Do it all the way. What are you doing? Why for long? Like, I'm like, okay, so hold on. You did this huge deceitful thing. You went through this whole process while he was gone. Only for him to show up and go, anything looks crazy to you? I feel like I panic. Why did you do it? I haircut new shirt, new dress. Yeah. Yeah, why did you do it all secretively if you're going to just tell him immediately after? Right. If you're so uncomfortable by these photos, then you need to just talk to him. Yeah. You go, hey, I feel really uncomfortable with these photos. She's been horrible to me. It's triggering for me to look at her. Look, and if he says, no, I want these up. These are real memories from my life. You got to accept that. It kind of sounds like they did. It sounds like at the beginning... He drew the boundary. Yeah. And that's the problem. Look, I can understand being uncomfortable seeing the face of someone who's been absolutely awful to you. At the same time, it is a little... I want to say immature of her, and there is that age gap. He got cheated on by his now ex-wife with potentially multiple, multiple people, and still has those up because it's such a special memory to him. And she's just like, yeah, she sucks to me. Like, I bet she did. I bet that person was really awful. Well, she's still like the mother of his children. Yeah. I feel like they're just kind of at an impasse here, where she says, this makes me uncomfortable. He says, too bad. Yeah. And at some point, do you just deal with it? Or is this somewhere... Something where you just can't reconcile this difference and you just have to... It's a weird hill to die on, and this is a weird behavior to try to fix it for yourself. Right. Like, you'll never guess what I did for us. Yeah. Once again, when we're talking about the other one was six months, this is the first year in. That's how the behavior, it's like, all right, I think maybe this isn't going to work. And same too, if she was writing in being like, hey, I'm really uncomfortable by these photos, this ex has been horrible to me, and I can't handle this. Is it my ennastel for breaking up with him? It'd be like, no. If it's too much for you, you can leave. Yeah. But you can't control him, and you can't change his place. And what he chooses to do with his things. I would only argue maybe they could find a balance by adjusting the placement. It's the first thing you see when you walk in the house every day, that sucks. If it's in, you know, she said he's... You take it out of the room. You don't want to look over at that if you guys are being romantic, that would suck. But I don't know. Otherwise... I feel like there's a compromise. Move it somewhere where you feel like you don't have to constantly confront it. I struggle with Reddit stories like this, where all we have is what they wrote. And she's leaving so much out. And she's like, I can get into this, but I'm not going to. And I'm like, well, then I have no choice but to like... I'm not going to add my speculation, but now I have nothing to go off of. And you're also not saying what the conversations were. So I don't know how those conversations sounded. I don't know how many there have been. Like, there's so much that's left out that's so key here. Yes. Because I'm like, I'm like, your behavior's not sounding so like... Yeah. Nice and kind and respectful. But you're saying how cruel this X is, but you're not sounding particularly... It's giving Nancy. It's jealous Nancy. You're not taking like a pop of jealous Nancy. I'm jealous Nancy. No, I think that's a really good point where... She's saying like, she's been horrible to me. She's been horrible to me. And it's like, well, you've only been dating this guy for a year, right? And you're probably interacting with this woman's kids. There's going to be some friction there. It's also tough that this is anecdotal. But like, in Reddit stories and in real life, some of the biggest assholes I've ever known claim everyone around them as an asshole. Yeah. And I'm like, that's always the problem. Is that they go, well, everybody sucks. It's like, you suck. And she actually has the information that her boyfriend was cheated on by this woman. So, yeah, do you think she's really going in with the nicest attitudes to this other woman? Probably not. And how soon is she going to Photoshop herself into those photos? Right. And she picks one kid she likes better and makes them a little taller. Yeah. Where does it stop? No, but Emily pointed out, and this is so true. This is probably the biggest reason she's an asshole in this situation is, this is the place where his children definitely are at. Yeah. And they see these photos too. And they're going to see their mom removed from them. Yeah. And that's horrible for them to see. Like, that's, that is, I would say that's borderline traumatic probably for a kid to just be like, oh, sorry, mom is removed from all these photos with us in it. Like, that's a horrifying sight. When you get someone that like could be a step parents, like, no, I'm not trying to replace your mother. Yeah. Then what's that? What's going on? Or what's going on? She never existed. Like, yeah, it's, that'd be terrifying as a kid. Take a new photo with the group of them and hang it up. Exactly. There's so many better avenues. Yeah. The verdict is, she's the asshole. Okay. Yeah. So, someone said, you're the asshole. Imagine if the kids go over to visit and they see the pictures without their mom. I get that she was mean to you or whatever, but what you did was immature. 2000 upvotes. That's the key point here. Someone said, you're the asshole. She's the mother of his children, whether you accept it or not. Photoshopping her out is psycho. Someone said to that, honestly, it would have been even better if she photoshopped the wife out and photoshopped herself in instead, LMAO. Like, if you're going to be crazy, you got to really commit. You're not going to be crazy. You're not going to be crazy. There's no half measures in being crazy. Yeah. I'm like, do it well. Don't go on five or go on flippin' tenor and do it right. Yeah. Like, that's like pickpocketing someone and getting five feet away and be like, uh-oh, did you notice? I photoshopped your wife out of this picture in your wallet. Holy crap, you did that so fast. She could have at least scratched X's over her eyes, you know? Yeah. And some like, yeah, been scary about it. Put out the face and put it up to her if isn't going to go out of that. Yeah. Hey, go full crazy. Yeah. You can always tell when we film to try not to laugh before a Reddit story's. Yeah. Yeah. Make a people suit out of the X-Watt. Wear it. Run around. Do crime. All right, our next story. Oh boy. I have been told to buckle up. All right, I'll produce hers. That's not what she said. Uh, she inferred it. Okay, our next story was posted on Am I the asshole? Am I the devil? Okay. And Am I the X, the unholy trinity. Ooh. Ooh. You know what's going to be bad, Am I the devil? Yeah. Yeah, the assholey trinity. Yeah. Nice. This was posted on the Matrix. Yeah. This was posted in about summer of 2023. A good year. Yeah. Am I the asshole for making a joke about my wife in my speech at our wedding? Oh, you probably. Only if you slam the cake in her face right after. I love this slag over here. She did, right? This jealous, Nancy. Yeah. This is going to be so bad. Okay, let's get into this wild ride. Hi, everyone. I'm writing this on here because my new wife has been upset with me since our wedding, which took place last week. She has even threatened divorce on me. Many people in my personal life don't think that I was in the wrong while others are taking my wife's side. So I need some unbiased perspective. This is a throwaway for obvious reasons. So over the four years that we have been together, my wife, then girlfriend, has been pretty active with our intimacy, so much so that our friends and even my parents have talked slash joke about it. This is well known in our inner circles and we have many jokes around this topic. Many of which my wife herself thought were funny and joked about with our friends as well. One of the nicknames my wife received. Oh, here we go. I need a second. Slutty Nancy Hoover. There is nothing that's going to prepare you for this nickname. Okay, hold on. Oh wait, hold on, let me try. I want you to guess one. Big hole. One of the nicknames my wife received. Guess. Throw out a couple guesses. It's going to be like the something, something. It's got to be the thing. It's got to be the vacuum cleaner. Yeah, that's why I've moved her. Ball tosser. Big old caves. You guys think you're being funny, but just wait. Okay. All right, throw it at us. You get nine more guesses. I'm so ready. One of the nicknames my wife received around this topic was that she was a cum dumpster. I didn't want to say it. Okay, okay. We all thought it was hilarious and fitting for her given the circumstances. Given what circumstances? Given what circumstances. Well, she's all full of... All right. Okay. Let's flash forward to the wedding. Well, during flash forward. I mean, I feel like we need more context. Well, during the wedding reception, many people were giving some questions. I mean, I'm just going to say a few words. I'm going to say a few words. I'm going to say a few words. Don't. Oh, no. I think everyone for being there, everything was beautiful. Yada, yada. And then I wanted to talk about my new life with my wife. And I decided to throw in a joke towards the end. I said something like, I am so honored and excited to be spending the rest of my life with my beautiful cum dumpster. I love you, honey. All right. Bye, guys. Bye. All right. It was good today. I can't face no way. No one's ever said that. No, because there was a video. There's a video with this guy basically says that, but in like a long speech where he's like, I can't wait to come in your pussy for five, four years. No, no, he's a... Weddings do something to people. I feel like this one is... But you don't want to know what's right. I need to pull out the phone and show it to Amy. Also, we're also far into a reception and people get drunk. People get very drunk. Like, that is... It's wild. And people just say, stuff. I can't believe what people say sometimes. What world... I know there's this thing that was like, my 103 year old grandmaw was in the audience. Like, there's no way that was... I also think you have a dude who thinks he's being funny. And that... That stuff happens. You can't let every dude who thinks he's the funniest one at your office think he's that forever. You can't... This place is different. This is a funny office of funny people. I'm talking about in general, it's like, God's bread. He always says... And that's crazy. Like, no. And you guys always tell me when my jokes aren't funny. So... But I think also... Most times. But I think also, like, a lot of times, like, guys misinterpret like when somebody like when like a... Like, women laugh at their jokes. Like, sometimes it's more out of like being uncomfortable. Right. And maybe not. Like, that's actually funny. So maybe he, like, in drinking with like a small group of friends is like, oh, my wife's a condomster. And everyone's like, yeah, I need to know what context this was said. Because he's saying amongst friends, I'm like, all right, cool. You're in front of both of your families now. Yes. There's probably kids. There's definitely people who just have never heard that before. There's probably a minister. I feel like your wife is for sure there. I mean, look, people can be funny, whatever. My take, at least from the vibes, the weddings that I've been at, is like, the bride and groom are kind of there to like, be the genuine one. Like, let other people be funny. Yeah. And say funny memories. But like, you don't have to hit with a joke. Especially if you've had a couple drinks, that joke you think is funny, pull it back. I learned that over the years. Like when I'm out, and if you drink at all, and you're, especially if you're giving a speech, it's just like, hey, just don't worry about taking that risk. If I ever get a wedding, I'm going whole hog. You know, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going all in. Okay. So he goes, he goes, let's, let me restate. Let me. Just wind it back. Let's wind it back. Roll it back. Roll it back. Roll it back. We can fear this again. I said something like, I am so honored and excited to be spending the rest of my life with my beautiful cum dumpster. I love you, honey. Oh, it's got chills, that's awful. The entire room roared with laughter. All the groomsmen were laughing, and a few of the bride's maids were as well. My wife, however, did not look happy, and pretty much avoided me for the rest of the reception. When we got back, my wife yelled at me about how I completely embarrassed her at the wedding with my joke. I told her that it really wasn't a big deal since many of the guests were well aware of the joke, and won't think anything of it. The next morning, I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me about how I humiliated her daughter. I tried reasoning with her, but it was no use. I have been texting the other groomsmen and the bride's maids as well, and they think that my wife was just overreacting. A few guests that I am close with feel the same way. However, one of the other bride's maids called me as well, and called me a dick and an asshole. I feel conflicted because I was just trying to joke around in my speech. So am I the asshole for making a joke during my wedding speech? Yeah. I would love to be a fly on the wall for that phone call he had with the mother-in-law being like, no, no, but you don't understand. Your daughter kind of is. So really using facts and logic, it was actually a good joke. It's a genre of dude that when offending everyone saying, it was just a joke, what do you mean? It was just a joke. I tried to reason with them because they're overreacting. It's like how many people have to tell you that you affected them before you believe it? We got a band that it was just a joke thing. We got to move past that. I think it was a joke and then calls it like I see it guy. Those have to both go. I don't love the, I said something like as if he doesn't fully remember what he said, followed by, and everybody laughed. Yeah. And it was laughing. I was like, were they? I don't fully trust you right now. Yeah. Again, if I heard that at a wedding, you're right with laugh because it would be like a, haha, fuck did he really say it? Yeah. You're right. I don't think that's like a good thing to say in front of. Right. Family. Right. That's crazy take. Yeah. I thought you were woke. Verticked. Yeah. Asshole. Sure. Very clearly. Yeah. So there's a TikTok that was circling around of a groom who said, only two things are required to keep me happy. Keep my belly full and my balls empty. Yeah. Those were his vows. Yeah. Those were in his vows. His vows. In front of the ordained minister or whoever. Well. I watched that video and he goes on. It's not just those lines. He goes on and then like the wife had to like jump in on the TikTok and be like, no, actually, I was okay with this and it's actually fine. And it's just like, all right. Brother. He said. All right. Comments. I got to the nickname and thought, oh no. He did. He really, really did. What a dumbass. Someone said, you're the asshole. Forget even Reddit's judgment. Your wife thinks you're the asshole. Why would some internet strangers opinion matter? Have you even apologized? Someone else said to that, that's the thing. I really hope this isn't real. Lastly, someone said, you're the asshole. A normal joke does not always translate to a wedding friendly joke. That is the first thing I have to say. Second of all, does your wife even like being called that? You reduced her to nothing more than something for you to come in at the wedding. Heck yeah, I would be going through with the divorce if I were your wife. You didn't even refer to her as a person, but as a thing. Yeah. Ugh. You've lost words. That's one of those, but I'm just like. Yeah. I don't know how you talk to someone like this. I'm like, you weird, so it's not the same language. I don't know how to explain to you that you calling your wife that is not a good idea at a wedding. It's one of those moments like, if you watched that in the office, you'd be cringing watching it. If it was fictional. That would probably take that. Yeah, that michael Scott moment, but like, look I hope it's fake too, but I also know I can totally believe that just because of the other skills that I really can't skills. Also wedding receptions are dubster fires. But that normal skills that I've had in isolation with that skills that I've had in isolation Smalled up, little monster. We all know one film wouldn't catch on fire. We don't know. We need to ask Hank Green. LAUGHTER Hank Green, well, the human body has a lot of salt, which is sodium chloride. Here's the thing. So the amount that's on actual reactive. Yeah. OK. We love you, Hank. Yeah, man. OK. Anything else? That was it. Man, I'll ask someone. No, that's not a lot. That's the end of that story. Anything else uncomfortable? Any other thoughts on that? Yeah, I think you should... You know how we have a driver's head? Or you need a learner's permit. You need a permit to drive. Yeah. I think we should probably need permits for making jokes. Right. Because I think some people, they just completely misread the situation. They're telling jokes that are just like... Things that are just mean or offensive. And they're like, whoa, why can't you just take a joke? OK, because this is actually one of the realms where I think we have a little bit of expertise, right? Because there's so many realms where I'm like, I'm not an expert at this. But when it comes to roasting people, I've said this before, and I think we did a really good job with a lot of our funerals with this, is when you're roasting someone, or when you're saying a joke, right, at a wedding reception, and you're like, I want to infuse some humor in it. I think your intention should be the person who is the target of your joke that they are going to love it, and that they're going to... But laugh, but more importantly, that it's going to make them feel good. Sure. Right? Like, especially a wedding reception. Like, if the joke should be a joke, as actually the second part of it, the ultimate thing should be that it's a compliment. Especially your wife? Especially your wife. And it should be some funny way of saying how amazing they are, but that's not what you are doing. Also, they did say that, like, oh, I wanted to jump in for a couple of words after everyone else gave their speeches. So not only is he putting down his wife in this crazy way, but he is also centering himself in attention. He did not need more attention, and then he's just like, you know what this needs? A joke from me, an awesome joke so that everyone is laughing at me with me at her, and then I win. Like, it's... It's so funny. The last thing I'll say is, it's one of those moments in life that it's a tense moment, it's probably nerve-wracking, and makes people want to say something that will get a laugh, it'll get a response, it's like, but it's also one of those easy slam dunk moments. Yeah. Because I've had a moment like that in one of our celebrations of our wedding, where I was like, it was like my whole family there, and I was like, I don't say I love you all. I'm like, that's it. Oh, and we got it. And we're done. Like, that's all we need. I don't need to say a joke. And it's like, it's like I got to do man, but you turned it into a dumpster fire. But not that kind of dumpster. You're not that kind of dumpster. Not that kind of dumpster, but not that kind of dumpster. Am I the asshole for not knowing all seven episodes of We're All Gonna Die are now available to stream in my own home, and they even extended the VODs availability until January 31st, 2026? Yes, O.P., you are. I don't even need to read the rest of this. I don't even care. Now watch the sick trailer our editor put together. We're gonna start pulling some blocks. Let's see what you got. cheering cheering cheering Live.smosh.com. Live.smosh.com. Live.smosh.com. Back to the show. Back. Our final story. Ooh. Okay. This came from earlier this year, 2025, March. My ex constantly locked me out of the bathroom, so I took matters into my own hands. Okay. This comes from petty revenge. Ooh. I was with my ex for a while. It was an unhappy relationship. I had bladder control issues and IBS. Whenever I needed to go to the bathroom, they would run in first and take their sweet time just to irritate me and make me suffer. That's weird. Oh, God. I went on for a long time and one day I just about had it. We had two cats and two litter boxes. One day, he went running to the bathroom and was just playing on his phone and he was talking his face hair and refused to let me go. So I decided I would just go poop in the cat's litter box. Not only was it a big poop, but I also peed a little. The cats literally wouldn't use that litter box after. And then my ex came and was investigating it and saw and he goes, wow, they pooped a lot. No wonder they want their box cleaned. And I just sat there and watched him clean up my shit and piss. That was near the end of our relationship and he never found out. He went to the bathroom and he was a gamer and pot-ed. When he would run to the bathroom, he would take his phone or Nintendo switch in with him. Oh, so he was just like a fucking sadist. Like just loved. Yeah, that's actually super abusive. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't understand. He was torturing her. Yeah, it's just like a control say. Oh, he's bathroom. I'm going to hop in there and just not use the bathroom. Ha ha. I will say bringing in an Nintendo switch or a phone with a game on it to the toilet is great, but you got to be careful about things like hernias, hemorrhoids, stuff like that. You can't sit too long. And you want to because you're playing the switch and your pants can be off and it doesn't matter. You can just let everything go because you're in the bathroom. Especially for playing Hades 2. And it gets really intense. Do you? I hear you. Um, yeah, this is what I think I've heard about this type of stuff with boyfriends in particular of like, I'm like teasing my girlfriend. It's like, nah, this is abuse. Yeah. Yeah, you've teetered into another realm here. Like, oh, playing this funny joke on my girlfriend. It's like, nah, you're being really horrible. What's the joke? Yeah, what's the bit here? Your bladder explodes like Tyco-Blohi-Broggy? Oh, nice. Yeah. She's a good Tyco-Broggy. Hey, thanks, man. Appreciate you. I, the only thing I want to see here is the cat's expression because you know they were watching. The cats were like, yeah, yeah. From that on, you see that like stand up, put their hands on the wall, and then let go. They're like, this is how you do it. No, that's how we get that much. Do that. Um, holy crap. Someone said, somewhere, those cats are still telling the tale of the day the giant Mark Dark Territory. Probably why they won't use that box anymore. You asserted dominance in the most primal way possible. Someone said, I worked in a place where one of the co-workers in Nick's names was Cat Box Bob. Bob and his wife got a new kitten, and Bob thought it would be hilarious to take a huge dump in the cat box. His thought was that his wife would be worried such confused if the kitten had a poop the size of itself. That's awesome. At some point, I guess Bob would laugh and confess what really went down, literally. So Bob takes off his drawers. You did it earlier, really? Yeah. Dude, nice. Tyco, right? So Bob takes off his drawers, gets into position, hovering over the litter box, and starts to materialize his plan. His wife happened to open up the door where Bob was mid-hoop and freaked out. The joke was on him when he got caught. Good. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Also, like getting caught versus like, remember a week ago? No, I shouldn't. That's not a better own. Did you notice? Like, you don't do that. Someone said you couldn't make it to his car. Nice. Nice. Nice. Someone said, what is it with abusers and the toilet? My ex-dad did that to me as a kid a lot. Talking to others in this group, et cetera. It seems to be really common with bad dads and bad husbands. Weird. Someone said this is a little more than petty revenge, but well played nonetheless. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Whoa. That's, that's wild. I guess that's, other people are like, have experienced that. What do you, what do you think is like, where do you, where do you draw the line at like silly cruel things you do to a partner? Like, when you fart on a partner? No. Okay. I think it's like you wouldn't just be like, hopper. Like you never done that. I, I, I never, just like it's silly. It's like, it's like, it's silly. Again, if it makes them laugh. That's what it is. And you know that it makes them laugh, then it's fun. If two people, it's kind of a Schrodinger's box situation, right? Where it's, if there's two people in the room, don't poop in it. And there's two people are, they're just the two of them. And one person does something to the person that just makes them upset. It's not a joke. It's just, you're just making that person upset. Right. Farding can be really funny, but you have to be on the same page about it. And it is like a roast. Is it going to make them laugh? Is it going to make you both laugh? Great. Yeah. And I think Ian, when you fart on somebody and they laugh with you, I think you found someone very special. You know what, Damon? You're right. I hope I find that person. A roast little guy. Because none of them had liked it so far. Oh. He's scaring him away. But, uh, yeah, that's really, yeah. Yeah. Can I pitch a different vibe for that? Okay. Don't like fart on them. Make it like a big moment. Like, if I can stand up here, like literally like, walk away and be like, Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, yeah. And then like, I'm just like walk away. Like do something weird. Okay. It's a good little twist and no one has to be happy. Okay. Thank you for that advice. Yeah. I need to work your way up to what you want to do. Okay. Well, you can start with that. You got to stretch first. Okay. You'll press. I'll pull clean off if you don't. Okay. Yeah. But yeah, you got it. Okay. Okay. Well, guys, this is where we're leaving it. This is the cap of the video. I talk about farting on people that I've dated. All right. I don't fart. Would you like to talk about it? I just want to be clear. I have not farted on all of the people that I've dated. I just want to make that clear. Not every single person that I've dated I've farted. And now I'm just... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. See, like, this is all joke, guys. I have never farted. I've never farted on any of my partners before. No. I know. That doesn't sound very believable, does it? Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've never done it. Okay. I've never... It's never happened. Okay, we trust you. It's never... It's never happened. We trust you. It's okay. You know, it's another fun one. Farting really loud, but then looking at the person scared immediately. You were dead too? Yeah. It's a good one. Yeah. But only if they also want that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hey, everyone, go home and fart on your partner. You don't have to do that. Pokemon Swinter don't do it. Not in their face, because that'll give him a pink guy. Speaking of farts, Gasly. Gasly. Gasly. And then there's phantump on the back, which is sort of like a two-part fart that you sound like. All right. I can't believe this is how we're ending it. Oh, my God. I've got your rod of gums. You can call it. All right. Oh, that's your erotic novel. The guy who farts on people. Oh, I don't want to make it as farted. But he got you. All right. All right. I think there's, yeah. Okay. I think there's some legs to that story. These have been some X's. They have really been some X's. Yeah. Thank you both for joining me. And thank you for watching. Let us know down below. I don't know. Comment whatever you want. What's your erotic novel? Yeah. What kind of erotic novel should he eat? Oh, right. Yeah. Let us know in the comments. I like that. What type of things should be involved in Ian's novel? Yeah. That he'll get started on very soon. And also let us know what other subreddits and themes you'd like to see on the show. And we'll see you next Saturday. Goodbye. Bye. Bye.