This is the Jocko underground podcast number two zero one sitting here with echo Charles. We have received Questions from you the troopers out in the field and we will respond with answers Recommendations or courses of action that may help you Make good decisions and move forward or all three on the path On the path. Yeah, hell yeah. Okay, first question. Hey, Jaco Echo. I've been with my wife now for 11 years, since freshman year of high school. We've been married for two years and have a nine month old. I found the path in college and have rarely strayed since. My wife can get on the path for short bursts, but often sizzles out, means fizzles out, before seeing real motivational results. I've been trying to trust, respect, influence, and care for a few years now. But this has often led to miss my goals, workouts and lose heads of steam versus bringing her up. If I bring up the slightest hint of this subject, it's often met with, so you're saying I need to work out more attitude. I understand. I've tried leading by example without being too hard charging. I have also tried doing things with her at her pace like pickleball and walks, etc. If she doesn't have the same goals as me, I get it, but it has come to the point where I get judged for waking up early to get to the gym before family is up because my alarm disrupts her sleep, saying she wishes I could just spend time with her in the morning. Then I do that, workouts get missed, and I feel like I'm setting a bad example. What are the next steps of influence when a person disregards all potential they have to make a difference? Thanks for the constant advice and motivation Um Well, I'm glad you mentioned Trust, listen, respect, influence, and care Because we definitely want to have a good relationship With our spouse That's the mother of our child You know, I think Broadly speaking I would be trying to get things done That I need to get done And I would give her space, right? Dude, she's got a nine-month-old She's tired She's got a lot of things going on What can you do? How can you give her some space? Can you get a vibrating alarm that you wear on your wrist? It doesn't wake her up when you get up in the morning. Yeah, that's good. People have always asked me like, oh, you know, don't you wake up your wife? No, I have the blessing that my wife is a heavy sleeper. And she just, she gets up pretty early now, but back in the day, like she would just sleep through, you know, and I would, I would shut my alarm off quick or whatever. Yeah, maybe it's a vibrating watch or a vibrating pillow or some way, like how can we give her space? And then let's not talk about it all the time, right? You got to give her some space Get the workouts done when she doesn't really know it You know what I'm saying? And then spend time with her in the morning That's what we want to do It sounds like the trust, listen, respect, influence, care They're kind of outbound right now You know what I mean? You're on send mode instead of receive Like receive some of this stuff How can you And I get it You did the pickleball thing Like, you know You did the walks letting her influence what the workout's gonna be but even those things you know if you if you label it as a workout it dude it doesn't it doesn't help you know i'm saying if you put that label on it in her mind it's a it's a workout yeah it's not it's not what she wants to be doing so you might have to stretch that a little bit more you have to figure out what she really wants to maybe she wants to you know go to a movie with you maybe she wants to play a board game with you Maybe she wants to go birdwatching with you. I don't know. But let go beyond something that has to be a physical thing and anything that we can do to stretch her thing to make it into a workout like pick a ball right so that just that kind of not really being influenced by her uh i don't mean this how i mean it how it's going to sound but like do the workout stuff kind of behind her back you know what i'm saying not not like a thing not sneaking around but like kind kind of behind her back where it's, you know, it's, she barely even notices that it's going down on your own time. Yeah. There's a bunch of things that could be happening here, right? She, like most people are a little bit intimidated slash guilty slash jealous about someone else getting after it. We all are. Do you ever, do you ever like you're whatever, for whatever reason, you're doing something early in the morning, something not physical. Let's say you had to drive to work early in the morning one day, and it's 4 o'clock in the morning. You're going to catch a flight, and as you're leaving, someone's running. You know what I'm saying? Someone's out on a run, and you go, dang, dude. If you didn't proactively say respect, you reactively would say, what the hell is wrong with that guy? You know what I'm saying? Get a life, bro. Jealousy. Little jealousy little little intimidation a little guilt so And these you and me bro, we work out a lot, you know, and we still get that little bit of twang So so so for someone that's you know just had a kid nine months ago and is trying to keep life together Maybe wasn't that physical before and now she sees the dude running in the morning. So what's wrong with that guy? It's really a little bit of intimidation. That's a little bit of guilt so we need to kind of massage her through those feelings because they're there and bring her slowly on board is a plan right what can you do stuff what can you do stuff with the baby you don't like even going for walks the baby those those kids fall asleep in the rock in the thing right um we have to let her find the path on her own We have to let people find the path on their own We cannot force them on the path We can't force feed them the discipline Because they will throw it up all day long When you force feed people discipline, they hate it They hate it Look, they already kind of hate it when they force feed it themselves When they voluntarily drink discipline They already don't like it, kind of, right? They might like their feeling afterward They might like the results If they can think strategic for a little bit of time But most of the time I'm just like no dude I don't want this this tastes bad to me Right now and therefore I don't want it What do you got For a home gym again this is kind of violating What I talked about of like doing Things kind of behind Her back but have you Talked about a home gym have you Maybe thrown a little You know A stair stepper In the garage with a Squat rack you know what I mean Sure, we're like great that just just make it a little bit easier make a little bit You know even for you you said you got to go to the gym in the morning Waking up early to get to the gym To get the gym in before so I don't know how far you have to drive to the gym But it is probably at least eight minutes Maybe even 17 minutes to get to the gym by the way you got a park you got to walk in through the door You got to show your past you got to go into the thing you got to get your clothes on There's a bunch of things that are going on and that that's gonna take I think minimum I mean, it depends on where the gym is. Yeah, I mean, unless it's around the corner. Yeah, it can be 40 minutes for sure. Yeah, so 40 minutes. By the way, 40 minutes, you're done with your workout if you have a home gym. It's just done. Here another big thing I mean I think it a big thing I mean I think it a big thing I mean I think it a big thing I mean workout if you have a home gym It just done Here another big thing Habits instead of goals, right? Habits instead of goals, meaning, and this is the opposite of what a lot of people say. Like, you need to set goals, right? I need to lose weight, or I need to get toned, or I need to whatever. because he mentioned that she sizzles out before she sees the results, right? So instead of saying, here's what you need to achieve, just say, no, it's just about today. It's just about feeling good today. Let's go for a walk. You know? Oh, I got done. Do you want to put, let's get the baby in the stroller. Let's go for a quick, you know, little around the block. By the way, let's do something. You know, like what can you do where we're just doing a little something today? Make it about the daily habit instead of these long-term goals Which you know is like When you say it she does it for short bursts if the short burst she's gonna feel good when she does the short burst But then she looks at the mirror in three weeks. She goes do I've been getting up early every day. I don't see any difference So then why do it? So instead let's focus on oh, yeah, didn't you feel good today? Then you feel better today. Hey, thanks for spending time with me hey, that was cool to go for a walk with the kid. You make it about the effort and the process instead of the outcome. So that's another thing. By the way, all this might take a long time. You've been married for two years. Your marriage and your relationship is going to go through all these different phases and it's going to take a while to figure out how to make all this work. It's no big deal. No big deal at all. But you got to play the strategic long game. You think you're going to change your wife overnight? You're not. You're not going to change your wife overnight. You're not even going to change her in a month. You're not going to change her in six months. But you're going to look up in eight years and she might be working out more than you. Right? I don't know. So you have the rest of your life to get this figured out. and I would take and focus on backing off, listening more, doing stuff not in her face, let's focus on habits and daily things that we can do together that are kind of fun, that have nothing, no inkling of, I mean, literally, if you can get her to do knitting with you for 40 minutes a day right now, I would do that to start with. Or improv. Let's do improv game. Or let's play a board game. Whatever the thing is. Chess. Let's do chess.com. Do something that's just. And let's just start getting. Let's just start building things that we're going to do together that are going to be fun. And eventually. And by the way, those things are primarily her things. And then eventually we get to add in something. And then we can add in whatever. We add in a little something. Make. Let her. Find the path on her own you can you can you can kind of like put a couple crumbs out on the trail But you can't grab her by the arm and pull her down the trail she's gonna resist Put some crumbs out Occasionally not not big like giant crumbs not little cupcakes where she's like oh I see what this is No, don't do that. Just let her find the path on her own. That's what we're doing Yeah, you're right about that thing where it essentially make the process enjoyable. I wouldn't even see it as a project. I don't know. Everybody's different, different relationships. I get it or whatever. But he said something like really quick where he was like, if she has, if she doesn't have the same goals I get it So it kind of like almost like it this foregone conclusion that she has like goals with fitness not everybody like that but like you i think sometimes we we have this vision of like oh yeah my wife or my whoever my kids whatever they're gonna get on the path with me because i know the value of the path and you know once i get them to see that oh man there sky's the limit for them you know kind of a thing and you know it seems like our hearts are in the right place when we think that or whatever but brady some people the idea of like a gym like i go to let's say i go to target which i did and i see some and you know how you you know when you're a kid you walk down aisles and sections and stuff you want to go to the toy section or the candy section yeah i'm walking down the aisle i see this aisle of dumbbells yeah i have dumbbells at my my house by the way a full set yeah i see dumbest up to 120s 120s yeah i see and these only went up to like 40 yeah yeah and i'm still stopping i'm looking i'm browsing but to me that's like that's my you know like interest or whatever and i was with my son he was into it too but bro some people they're gonna be like bro why are we here like those dumbbells in fact i'd rather not look at dumbbells because just like how you said sometimes it can reflect a little bit of guilt or something like this or like i said it's just not their thing don't assume she has these fitness goals that just they're just different than yours right yeah so i i'd uh i guess this is a bad uh example but nonetheless so i joined the 24th fitness you know when i moved here san diego you know i could join my gym or whatever and the guy's like oh cool hey what are your fitness goals i'm like bro i don't have fitness goals i just want to freaking live you know like bro leave me low yeah stop with the whole goals thing you know or like um like let's say you over you know you move to a new town you open a bank account we'll just say because you need a banker right you need checking account that's kind of what we're doing and you're let's say a 20 year old kid whatever moderately squared away we'll say and the guy goes hey so what are your financial goals like bro i don't have financial goals right now leave me alone with that stuff all right look i might find that in the in the future 100 you know and you know when i change my mind i'm glad or whatever But get off my back about these financial goals. I'm saying no So I'm just saying we like when you start treating your wife like that like no No, you need to do this, you know, and then you know, like if you don't you're kind of you know It's like a bad thing or whatever, but I think that's kind of the wrong direction So I was with my daughter coach Rana. Yeah, yeah She was out of you to do competitions this weekend and she loves jujitsu Have you ever watched her train? You just you seen pictures of her? She's in the middle of a crazy match. You got a big smile on her face. Yeah, she absolutely So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to jockounderground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms so we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko podcast, which will remain. As is free for all as long as we can keep it that way. But we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors. And we're doing it so we can give you more control. More interaction. More direct connections. Better communications with us. And to do that we're building a website right now. Where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's Jocko underground calm it costs eight dollars and eighteen cents a month And if you can't afford to support us We can still support you just email assistance at Jocko underground calm and we'll get you taken care of until then We will see you mobilized underground
