Punishment v. Discipline: 10 Ways to Get Unstuck From Endless Consequences #564

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How can you finally get unstuck from that endless loop of having a child who continually messes up is Given consequences, but keeps failing while everyone grows more frustrated How can we apply this to different situations for toddlers all the way through the teen years? That is what we're going to discuss on the next two episodes of the calm parenting podcast This will be a really good one to share with your spouse. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin You can find the following three resources at celebrate calm. We've got our winter sale going on Our new podcast to help kids with pda and an ad free version of the podcast It's easy to subscribe to celebrate calm calm. So huge shout out to our friend Dylan who listens to the podcast Because it makes them feel understood Dylan has ADHD and really likes the fact that he thinks differently And I love that too Dylan you have a great future of head of you and I'm proud of you my friend So I was speaking at this men's summit a dad asked what's the difference between discipline and punishment? That's a really good question and that answer leads us to very different places So let's look at 10 essential differences I think you'll find this to be a helpful guide and If you've got a spouse who's not always on the same page or might be a little bit more old school and Tends toward punishment. This might help. So number one punishment is based on this false Expectation the kids are just going to make good choices all the time. They're not then we act surprised Even though our own history says we continually make mistakes That's why I think it's all so about inconvenience and our own immaturity It's almost like I was telling my son you were making my life tougher If you would just do what I say and how I say it everything in our family at home would run smoothly But now I become dependent My mood is now dependent on what my child does and that puts too much pressure on them and at backfires So I was talking to a dad who said you know I can't believe our son would do this and my blunt response Or some else was why why can't you believe that what in your lived experience during three or four decades on this planet Leads you to believe that imperfect little humans would all of a sudden begin making positive healthy choices Without messing up to me that attitude leads to punishment But discipline is more like the parent who says yeah, these are little humans who are experiencing life for the first time so they are going to mess up I recognize that I'm 30 40 50 years old and I'm deeply flawed I have my own insecurities my own people pleasing nature my own anxiety and fears my own control issues So why wouldn't my child struggle? I've had decades of life experience to work on these things So I assume that a five year old and a 15 year old are going to make short term Impulsive decisions. They're just figuring this stuff out Just like I'm figuring out my stage of life for the first time So that means when I discipline I'll be patient and I'll teach and I'll walk alongside and you know from listening to our podcast Discipline means to teach Number two when I used to punish Casey It was usually out of my own frustration because my view of relationships was skewed while I'm the authority figure who needs to be obeyed See I needed my son to behave so that I could behave and control myself In some ways it was very self-serving and you'll notice that in many authority figures today But the purpose of relationships is Transformation you change you grow you mature and your strong will kids are going to be an instrument of this because they know All your buttons to push why because you have too many buttons to push just like I do they will provoke your immaturity It's human nature to tend to like the easy kids more I get that they listen the first time You don't have to repeat yourself 14 times. They just kind of do what they're expected to do But think about this in some ways we are punishing the child who's actually causing us to grow up and be patient The onus is always on the one with power and authority to be more patient and teach Number three punishment is usually characterized by the parent being angry and frustrated I'm mad about your behavior It's an inconvenience to me because I have to keep telling you and you don't seem to listen See the parent takes the child's behavior Personally and tends to lash out Punishment sometimes feels like it's 80% about the parents frustration I can't believe they just what is it going to take to get through to you? How many times do I have to tell you? Why can't you just listen or obey when I was a kid? See that's all about you if you're doing that. There's no blame or guilt unless you keep doing it I'm just well, I'm not kidding. Just stop it. But I get it. You're understandably frustrated But now you're acting out of frustration and that multiplies everyone's frustration See discipline is more about me helping my child. Look, I'm not mad at you I'm frustrated for sure, but I'm not mad at you I step out of how this impacts me or makes me feel So I can see clearly how to help you not just punish you I become a trusted resource you seek when not if when you struggle with anxiety depression Disappointment vaping or drinking or drugs as kids get older when you want to do something you know you shouldn't and You want to run that by someone see I want to be the person that my kids come to not are afraid of Punishment you don't I'll just add that one. It's not on here punishment. Just tends to use fear That's how my dad got good outward behavior from his four sons. It was pure fear and intimidation But here's the thing it didn't change us inside Just changed our outward behavior and we didn't have a relationship with him So for punishment is me trying to change the child's outward behavior externally Discipline is getting to the root of what's causing this behavior Punishment is trying to get you to behave Discipline is me Learning how to behave myself and then modeling appropriate behavior for you its leadership Punishment features ever increasing Consequences with no real behavior change. You're just stuck in this loop Well, discipline gets to the root of it and It gives the child tools to be successful so you don't have to keep addressing it That's the goal right not just to constantly correct kids But to constantly create successes and Competence where the kids know okay, I can handle that situation because that also breeds confidence Five punishment tends to feel like a parent flailing about this was me when Casey was young Just barking out generic sweeping consequences. I was that guy who threw out consequences out of frustration in the moment That I couldn't actually keep you know what you've already lost your screens for one week one more word And we'll just make it a month and that's just a road's trust and credibility Discipline is always more specific and measured and has a defined end goal You give the child tools or a consequence that's directly related to their choice That teenager who you discover is drinking of course they have immediately lose their driver's license That's decisive that makes sense But you always want to go to the next step and discover why are they drinking is it to fit in socially to alleviate Anxiety which it will be for many of your kids or is it because of a broken relationship With you or your spouse see once you get through the root of it You can address the underlying reason rather than just being kind of whack a mole with behavior I like the tone that says hey Here's what happened and how it affected your sister Let's do an act of service and restitution to show remorse Repair the relationship and make it count Number six punishment separates Discipline draws us closer when we punish we often say you need to go to your room We're actually sending our child away from us and sometimes that's okay But it's not optimal because over time it sends the message Well when you don't behave like I want I send you away from me and now we are separated See discipline draws my child to me because I can handle your behavior I can I can handle whatever you're going through and I have wisdom to help and teach you see That's a huge difference even when Casey was defiant or disrespectful I tried to resist the urge to angrily send him away from me or stop off. I get that instinct But I would often remove myself for a minute Hey, I need to go use the bathroom. I need to get something to drink and then I'd invite him to be with me If we wanted you many of you have heard like hey if you want to grab some chips I'll grab the salsa. I'll meet you on the deck right? Hey, I'm a little hungry if you want to go grab a couple tacos with me case I'd love for you to join me See there's an invitation that says I can handle you at your worst. I can show you a different way to handle this I don't want you feeling guilty if you're not there on this yet But do make progress in this area progress over perfection number seven Punishment usually feels reactive and immediate and rash and that's not usually a good combination Discipline weights and de escalates first discipline is also proactive So if you have a child who's constantly getting in trouble and you're constantly giving consequences I'd encourage you to slow down step back and reset I would put a lot more energy into proactively giving your kids tools to succeed So let me do a couple examples to tie together some of this now You know your child better than anyone So when something shifts like there's suddenly anxious around meals cutting out foods losing weight or their personality just feels different Something more serious may be going on when eating disorders show up They can completely hijack a child's brain that moodiness with draw combative behavior isn't them It's the illness the good news is that earlier you get support that easier recovery is and that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class evidence-based care right to your home Every family gets an entire team a therapist dietitian medical provider and mentors who've been through this themselves They're experts in treating all eating disorders even lesser known ones like arphid There's no weight list It's covered by most insurance plans and you can talk to an expert right away to get answers So something in your gut is telling you to look deeper listen to it visit equip.health slash calm to get a free consultation with equip that's equip.health slash calm So a couple emailed and man they just nailed what got me to ultimately change and I could tell the email was from a very productive couple Because the subject line was stacking wins So they said this we were both compliant kids so when we had our strong will child it throws for a loop We kept asking and demanding that he follow our rules and live up to our expectations and he continually failed Leaving all of us frustrated and out of options. I feel bad that it took this but our frustration let us Let us to finally say hey, let's listen to your programs And they said you have a simple line on your discipline program that says The next time you want to give a consequence Instead think what tool to succeed could I give my child instead? So the next time you just kind of we Immediately respond with like oh, we need to give a consequence think about this Well, what's a tool we could give the child to succeed in that moment instead And the couple said it was like a light bulb went off. We've been trying desperately to shoehorn our son In detowing the arbitrary expectations Weed had his kids, but once we said okay, let's proactively work with his nature He's started to stack wins like you say all the time. He's not great at kid things But he loves the adult world So instead of the standard morning routine we asked him if he could run the morning shift in our home See, I love that with pda kids. That's fantastic. Hey, you're gonna run the morning shift So they said their son is actually asking us What we want for breakfast and laying out things the night before Little side note all the things he would never do for himself or with regular chores But when our kids have more responsibility sometimes It's amazing how they step up so this couple said we're giving him more compliments and relaxing on how he gets ready We're letting him do homework underneath the kitchen table while listening to music He asked if he could brush his teeth in the shower Fine with us. What prompted us to email is that last night he told us I finally feel like I'm good at doing things at home So you're happy with me and that's just about crushed us inside Then he asked if he could be part-time shift manager in the evenings partially because we think he's angling For later bedtime But we're up for it because he's actually being more responsible now Even if he struggles to always follow directions precisely That's a really interesting isn't it and so what we always talk about with Casey We didn't really want an obedient kid We wanted a responsible kid so I love that story keep stacking wins And I think that ties into the next point perfectly so number eight Punishment tends to breed shame and helplessness the child feels like I'm just a bad kid How can I possibly change or be successful? I'm always in trouble losing stuff This will lead to kids picking on their siblings kind of out of resentment toward the good sibling They'll brood. They'll shut down Discipline breeds competence and confidence. Ah Now I know how to be successful and how to make better choices because you just showed me how Punishment says I want a quick fix to stop this behavior right now Discipline says hey, I care enough about you to take extra time to show you a different way It's more long-term. It's akin to that analogy of Giving someone a fish versus teaching them how to fish and we were just at a wedding And I thought it would be instructive to slightly alter this famous text So think about this Discipline is patient discipline is kind discipline does not boast. It is not proud Discipline does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking Discipline is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs Discipline always protects You know that one when I said it almost made me like my voice crack a little bit when you think about it Because usually our disciplines like frustration on anger would you please stop that? Was like discipline always protects and that changes how you view your child Always trust always hopes always perseveres Perseveres discipline never fails. That's kind of cool. I like that Number nine punishments punitive discipline is restorative Punishment erodes trust discipline should always lead to a closer more trusting relationship Discipline is something you do for your child not to them is actually a very selfless and loving act Because it takes emotional strength patience and time So mommy emailed and I love this quick story She said her family was watching a movie where the kid got caught doing something wrong and the dad went ballistic ballistic and I asked her kids if you got caught like that Which parent would be the one to act like that and my oldest said neither of you you don't lose your cool And the mom said I started listening to your podcast a couple of years ago I bought the program shortly after I started listening is radically changed our lives and answered our prayers Thank you and look I tell you that I always appreciate the kind words But you are the one who was doing the hard work you are breaking generational patterns So thank you your kids will notice number 10 punishment tends to take things away from the child Hey, you keep that up, you know, you've lost your screens your play date your drivers license And sometimes there's nothing wrong with that you have to do it But while they have lost use of their phone or video game we have to teach them new skills like delayed gratification Self-control so it doesn't keep happening while punishment takes away Discipline tends to be additive. You're giving kids new tools and skills to be successful It's one of the main themes Throughout our programs and and podcasts and especially that new pda program is it's it's it's just see just giving kids accommodations Or lessening demands isn't the big win. It's giving them tools to do hard things and gain confidence from doing so So here's how a couple said it They said we let our kids eight and ten listen to your discipline program And the kids won't from Casey over the holiday break And we said what would you change around here? And they said that was a dangerous question But they came back with two ideas number one mom and dad you talking yell way too much So mom and dad said we owned that and they said number two you just take things away from us so quickly Without giving us a chance to fix the situation or do it differently So we just give up trying anymore We want a chance to do better, but mom and dad you have to be more patient And show us instead of assuming we always know what to do So the mom and dad said we've been slowing down and having such great talks with our kids We're realizing there are a lot more capable than we realized When we slow down and we give them tools so definitely let your kids listen to the programs Let them listen to the podcast You will learn a lot by seeing your home life through the eyes of your kids Okay, this week let's practice some new skills and in the next episode We're going to go through very specific examples of how to discipline not punish Discipline kids of all ages from toddlers through the teen years So thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast if we can help you in any way reach out to Casey at ca scy at Celebratecom.com. All right much much much respect to you all