EP 67: Still Standing: Abby’s Story

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. Well, we are back to another episode of Two Addicts in the Moron, and I am so sorry guys. You missed us last week. Yes. There was a good reason for that. I'm a father and I was out of town. We had scheduling conflicts. So I'm a piece of shit. Piece of shit podcast guy and a good dad. Okay, dad. A dad first. I'm on all right. You know what I'm saying. Anyway, we are back to another episode of Two Addicts in the Moron. And we have a very, very, very special guest. There's a big story with us and her and I couldn't be any more excited to have her on. But ladies and gentlemen, Miss Abigail Jackson. Yay. Yay. It's been a long time coming. It is. I was in treatment this time last year. Yeah. I watched the episode where you talked about it. Yeah. And you cried. Dude. I've never cried. It's coming. We don't cry on here. There's no crying. We're sorry for the pluses. Yeah, we cry all the time. We are the cryers. So like, and you know who doesn't cry is that one back there. He sits there just stone face. I go, you guys are such bitches. Like you're such bitches right now. That's toxic. Toxic. Toxic masculinity right here. He is. He's a very toxic masculine man that we have running Two Addicts in the Moron. You'll get to know that. So Abigail. It has been a long time coming for you to come on here. And like I said, we have a bit of a story with Abigail right after we started this. You got into treatment and. And he helped me and Mike was a pretty big part of that. But I do want to. We've talked about this story before on here several times, but I want to talk about it again because I think it's important to know, but your guys is introduction to each other in the elevator that day is. You mean the first introduction when I was like, yeah, the, yeah, like I, now that she's here, you know what I mean? We brought it up. But I like tell the story because. Yeah. So this is something you always talk about. Like, you know how in recovery, there's I always say you never know. In addiction. In addiction. Yeah. Right. You never know what someone's going through. Right. So I had said something to you. I don't remember what I said. Oh, you weren't smiling. You look like you were mad or sad. And I was like, I just said, Hey, how's it going? And you looked at me like the fuck are you? Who are you talking to? Cause we had never talked. There was just a look, right? It was just a look. It was like a go fuck yourself look. Yeah. And I was like, Hey, how's it going? And you like, it's fucking going great. It's fucking Tuesday. Big deal. And I'm like, the old me would have lost my fucking shit. And I was like, I was going to say you fucking. Yeah. And I didn't. I was like, and then you walked out, you went to where you were. And I looked at our secretary and I was like, damn it. She was a bitch. And she's like, no, she's never done that before. And I was like, I just, I figured maybe you were just going through some shit further of the story though. Cause I come into play in here. You come in and you tell me this. Yeah. Cause it bothered you. Like, you know, we're pretty, we're pretty sociable people. We like talk to whoever when I'll talk to that fucking wall right there. If you give me enough time, I'll just start to do that. So I could put my, so I think you were like, am I tripping? Like, should I be like, I'm upset and I don't feel like I should be. And I didn't even really talk to you about it or talk you through it. But you kind of, it was one of those where you, you just needed me to be the audience for you, but you, you go, you know what, man, I'm, I'm going to reach out and just, I don't know what she's going through. Yeah. And, um, so that then you go do that. You reach out. Yeah. Teams to you. I messaged you. And then I don't even think you're even remembered. Like you're just like, I must have been just going through something that day. Oh, did you message me a different day? Yeah. I messaged you that day and you didn't respond back for like two days. Like this chick really doesn't fucking like me. Yeah. And then you messaged me back and he's like, oh yeah, I don't, I don't know what I was going through that day. I'm sorry. And that was that. I don't scratch that. You didn't say you're sorry. I would never. Yeah. You would never. I wasn't. I don't know what I was going through that day, but my band, whatever, it wasn't apology. And then, um, and then you fast forward to probably like a week and maybe, maybe a little bit longer than that. There was a little bit of time and we would occasionally talk in the break room. And I remember you mentioning that like, oh, there were quite, there were quite a few sober people working with us. And at the time I hadn't relapsed yet and I was, I was coming up on three years sober and yeah, so I did that. That was all me, that attitude in the elevator. Yeah. Um, and then. Shortly after that was the next elevator situation. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll get, we'll get there. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, we're, we're going to get there. But the, the point was, was at the time we had just started doing this. Yeah. We had just started coming in here and filming and stuff. And I know it definitely in a very short period of time changed my perspective on things and I can only imagine it did the same for you, maybe not so much because you were already involved in the recovery community. But I know that that got you to react in a different way. And, and because of your reaction, I think this ended up being, you know, one of the first people after doing this podcast that we might have helped out. You specifically just kind of took the reins and made all that happen. Well, something you used to always say is like, if, if I would have reacted a different way the first time that you and I wouldn't have gotten to have the friendship that we had, like, fuck them in the fucking bitch. Have. Whatever. Are we going to correct each other now? White trash to the fucking core. Okay. I'm not going to say a lot of shit. I still say you're, you're instead of you are. Yeah. Yeah. You don't know about? Yeah. You don't use apostrophes, right? I didn't know that. I didn't know that was such a thing. I literally thought you're covered all the bases. Somebody skipped fucking third grade, I guess. Like covered it. I didn't show. I didn't know who I was. I covered all of them. Yeah. Yeah. This you are. Didn't even have to spell it out. But he used to always say like, if I would have responded a different way that we wouldn't have got to the friendship that we were to where he was comfortable enough to reach out to me when and we'll get to that. But well, I think it's a good time to bridge into it. Let's go. So, um, the OC, my drug of choice is heroin and cocaine. Okay. And, um, how long were you in the struggle? Um, I see before I moved to Texas to get sober in 2021, where'd you move from? Mississippi. Oh, God. Shout out, Mississippi. Hey, yeah. It's a lot going on there. To below. So much. Jack, I just know Jackson. I, I, yeah, I grew up right outside of Jackson's like same county in Clinton, Mississippi. Yeah. And I moved here in 2021. Um, it was August 31st and I came out here for treatment. And before that, I had been using consistently for about eight years and I was 20 at the time. Damn. So eight years minus. Opiates. Yeah. Well, you were using when you were 12 years old. Yeah. I started, I started on pain pills when I was 12. Yeah. Where did you, did you, was it like a parents pain pills or you were getting pain pills at 12 years old? Um, so that's like sixth grade, right? Yeah. Seventh. It was the beginning of seventh grade. Um, and so I had been homeschooled all the way up. Until middle school. And so this was one of my first years in public school and, um, I had finally gotten a boyfriend, right? And his dad had just passed away from cancer and, um, he just had an excessive pills and was like, Hey, I take these sometimes and they make me feel good. Do you want one? And I, I said yes. And then I just took them. I mean, there was no turning back. Yeah. I started taking pain pills before I ever even had a sip of alcohol. Really? Mm hmm. It's a little different. It's kind of crazy, like how it kind of for women, how it kind of like stems starts with a boy, like how often, you know, that is the case sitting in that chair. It always kind of starts with a boy. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think every, so that same boy. Four years later introduced me to cocaine. Really? And I just happened to see him for the first time in years and he was like, Hey, do you want some coke? And yeah. And then that started that. It's crazy. Cause what you were saying with women, it starts with the boy. Right? Yeah. But in my experience, most guys relapses starts with a girl. Yeah. Right. So for whatever reason, yeah, that's, I would imagine it, it'd be this probably the same probably the same for women. It's probably that'd be, that always starts with the boy as well. Uh, just something that I, I don't know. I was just thinking about that as you said it and thinking about other women that we've had sitting in that seat and just how many of them kind of starts with a boy 12 years old on opiates. When did you know that you had a problem? Well, I was in denial for obviously a very long time. Yeah, for sure. But you're doing opiate. So you're probably going to figure that out the hard way I would imagine. Yeah. So I, when I was about, I don't know, I, by the time I was 13, 14, I remember I would, I would get dope sick and it took me a little bit to figure it out. Like it took me, it was probably like the, the first time I thought I had the flu and I was like out of school for a week. Um, and then the second time I was like, Oh, okay. And then I had figured it out and just started. I just felt I had to have pain pills all the time. Um, I knew that it was not what everyone else was doing. Cause, uh, like anyone had to hide it. Like this is not normal. I party correctly every single day and everyone else is only partying on the weekend. So, uh, and I knew, I mean, I knew to hide it. I guess, uh, I didn't really start accepting that I had a problem until I started, until I started shooting up, uh, when I was 18. So because I always felt like, Oh, it's fine. Whatever. Like even when I first like started getting into harder drugs, uh, I still was like, Oh, I can stop whenever I want. Yeah. Even though I could post moving to, yeah, you just keep it's, I won't do 18 things. Yeah. There's 99 things I won't do for drugs. And after a year, there's 80 things I won't do for drugs. Yeah. And then at the end there's like three things I won't do for drugs. Yeah. Yeah. So can you, I mean, what was it just you were comforting your boyfriend, your little boyfriend at the time or were, were you trying to cover up something on your own too? Was there something going on that? I had a very sheltered childhood. So, um, my dad was at the time he was a Russian Orthodox priest. Whoa. He is not anymore. Obviously. Yeah. My parents are divorced now. Um, and my, my parents were teenagers when they had my older brother and then there were 20 when they had me. And so we like moved around a lot from family and, um, I had a lot of, I guess, untreated trauma. Like I, there was a lot of sexual abuse in my childhood, uh, with me and I know for sure one of my sisters. Um, yeah. So that was definitely, um, I was, I always also felt everybody says this, I know, but like, uh, very out of place. I always felt so, so out of place and like, like I just never belonged anywhere. And, um, and I mean, I was, I was the fucking weird kid when I started going to school, like my parents had five kids. My mom drove a rape fan. Yeah. One of those giant 12-seaters. Like, and the one I'm one with that said free candy on the side. It was maroon. And, um, and, you know, my dad was a priest. It was just, we were pretty poor. Uh, like I didn't, we didn't have a lot of clothes. I had this, I only have like one pair of shoes at a time kind of thing. Like I just felt, and we didn't like grow up in a well, I didn't grow up in like a wealthy part of, I mean, there isn't really a, yeah. I'm about to say you're in Jackson, Mississippi. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it wasn't wealthy, but I always felt like I stuck out. And so, um, it was the first time that I was like, that I felt like I could breathe. It was like I'd been walking around holding my breath my entire life and, um, I could finally like shut off the switch in my head. Yeah. Um, it's like you found yourself. Like I found, that's how I felt whenever I first started like doing drugs. It wasn't that I ever felt out of place. I never felt that way, but like drugs made me be able to, um, I haven't always been so outgoing, especially talking to females. Yeah. I was always like real nervous about talking to females, but if I had some G H B in me or something, I can definitely talk to anybody. And that was what it made me feel like. So I think in this, I think this is universal between. And normie to normie here, Sydney, but I think it's universal men, women, addicts. And I think I've said this before, but there is a need to belong. And I think that even still exists in the community that you guys are directly in and me indirectly in, but. You know, the community is kind of what gets you through. Mm hmm. In the sense of belonging. And when you're 11, 12, and you're going through all this weird shit, like you, you want to belong, you want to feel like you belong and it's it bullying and shit like that comes becomes, um, pretty prevalent, I guess. I was bullied relentlessly growing up in school. Yeah. Me too. And there's always defense mechanisms for it. And that's just one of them. Like I can't say that I wouldn't be an addict if I wasn't presented with the same opportunity. You know what I mean? Like I just think that it's like sense of belonging and the cross road of drug hitting you at the right place at the right time is like, that's kind of what creates the attic. That's what I kind of feel like does it. I think probably everybody has some kind of like attic mentality. I think everybody. I think everybody does. I think it's what you said. The opportunity comes with the drug and the right time, right place at the right place, right time. It's like, fuck it. I'm in. I'll do it. And then once you feel that different feeling because like I tell anybody like I don't, I will never sit here and say I hate meth because I love drugs. That's the reason I can't do them because they make me feel different. They make me feel a way that I've never felt before. Now, once I start doing them consistently, it takes over my entire life and then I'm fucking picking up a lot of pieces. But it was, it was, you know, I think everybody has that attic mentality. For sure. Just some people just aren't presented with it the way that we were at 12 years old or whenever we were going through a hard time in our life. No. I know for me, like looking when I look back at me like as a child, I mean, even if it wouldn't have been that opportunity, like I have no doubt that I would end up. There's another one coming. Yeah. Like an addict or an alcoholic. I mean, even like as a kid, like with food or just like anything, just to make me feel different. Yeah. It was definitely there. Definitely. Yeah. And I mean, I don't know. I think there is some type of sometimes there can be like a genetic predisposition also. Yeah. I'm not saying this to be like, I don't mean any disrespect, but I do feel like it's all mental. And like for a 12 year old kid, you don't have the tools to be like, I am depressed. I have this trauma. I need to work through that. You know, we're not going to pick that up until much later on in life. Shit way later way later on in life. Right. Like, and so that's why I feel like it's got to be a lot mental too, because when you're picking up a drug at 12 is you talk about kids at nine 1718. It's like, you don't know that you're depressed, anxious, don't belong. You don't know all that. You don't know what you don't know. Right. So it's easy. Hey, I found this other thing. It's like candy food, sex, drugs, whatever it is. You know, I mean, it's just kind of, I don't know why I'm like figuring all this out a fucking year and a half into doing this thing. And we're just saying it out loud. No, it makes a lot of sense. Like I think about my daughter. Right. She's nine. She's almost 10. And when I hear people in the rooms talk about how they did their first drug when they were nine and some of them did their first drug with family members, dad, things like that. And I'm thinking like I've educated her a lot in the drug game, but I can't imagine a nine year old. She under, she knows a lot. I know, I know, I know what you mean. Regular nine year old. But I've done that because I know that time's coming. I know there's going to be a time very soon and me and her mom going back and forth about this. She's like, she doesn't need to know about all this. And I'm like, but yeah, she does. And she's like, but she lives in a really good area with those. There's a lot of the times the areas where kids have money and their parents aren't around and they have this whole house to themselves to do. I've, I've, I've had some of those friends. Those were some of our best party houses because their parents were never around and they always had money to buy everything. So, um, yeah, I think, you know, but I think about her at her age and I'm like, if I just, I don't even want to think about her trying something, you know, because I know that she suffers with anxiety. She suffers with girl stuff. She suffers with not bullying yet, but I know that that's coming some, some time, you don't have to show up for that. But you know, anytime you can take that edge off in a way, and it's way easier, way easier than dealing with it, then dealing with it or coping with it or trying to figure it out. So you're 12 years old. I've got to ask your parents. So they were in the midst of a divorce. Okay. When this happened, they were distracted. Oh yeah. Like my, um, and five kids too. Also, yeah. You five children. So where, where are you in the hierarchy of kids? So I'm the second oldest. So I have an older brother. Um, and now my dad has since remarried and I have two, two more siblings. So now there are seven kids and I'm, but yeah, I'm the second oldest. And then I have two, I guess now I have two younger brothers and three younger sisters. Okay. All right. And so they were distracted. So they couldn't pick up the signs that you were doing anything. Did they ever figure it out? So when I was maybe 14, 15, I would get in trouble for like, I would, I started to get in trouble for smoking weed or, um, or drinking. I got a DUI when I was 17 for drinking. Um, and it was kind of, that was kind of the extent that they knew until, um, until a few days, it was Christmas Eve and I was, it was right before my 19th birthday. And they still didn't know the extent cause I lied. Obviously. Yeah. I'm not going to tell you that I've been using heroin every day before class for last year. Um, but, but yeah, they, I nodded off at Christmas dinner with my dad. My stepmom, she, um, she's 10 years younger than my dad. So I guess she's 10 years older than me and she definitely, um, did not live a sheltered life. And so she was able to, if it weren't for my step parents, I would probably be dead. I mean, she finally was like, let's talk, let's talk to my dad and told him there is something going on. Like, I know that look like this is not, she is not okay. You need to say something to her mom. Um, my mom was in denial and my stepdad, he stepped in and was like, you need to get help. Like you were not okay kind of thing. And, um, yeah, they definitely opened my parents' eyes. I guess it wasn't until the first time I, uh, kind of, I was kind of forced to get sober, I guess, and it was about, it was around that time cause I was still living with my parents. Um, so you're in your teens. So I was, so I did my first Suboxone induction on my 19th birthday. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And happy birthday. Yeah. Yeah. And so, um, hell of a birthday cake. And so I stayed, I stayed at home to go to community college. Uh, my mom was like, it's because of this boy. Like they, they thought it was because of a boy, but it was because I was, I was addicted to drugs and I didn't want to have to find it somewhere else. Basically, I was comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can only imagine dude as a, as a parent of someone, I mean, I've got kids. And we were talking about a little bit earlier, denial is a motherfucker. Right. And especially for your own kids. It's like, no, they're, I mean, no, not mine. Not, you know, that's gotta be a hard thing. So I'll give your parents some grace on that, but also, I mean, you do have to recognize signs as a parent, you know, yeah. Well, thank God for your step parents. Yeah. That's, you know, and I go through that here with, you know, my little one, cause I'm always like, no, she's, is in destiny will bring things to my attention. Like no, like this or that. And I'm like, oh shit, she's like literally getting away with something right in front of me for sure. Running all over me. And I'm like, not Klan's never do that. So I can only imagine like if it drugs, you know, but the good thing about a step parent is they get to kind of step in and say, Hey, look, they get a bird's eye view. Yeah. Right. Like, you know, I got a girlfriend and she's basically my kid step parent and I'm hers. And I mean, we brand, we do that too. Like there's things that I can't see and they're older. Yeah. And I'll bring it up and then vice versa. And I even still am like, yeah, right. You know, but it, but it's real. It's like, you have to appreciate that kind of perspective. And, and like that. I'm looking at this up here. Right. Having almost that disconnect. Well, them also having a good relationship too, because there was a lot of times where for me, when destiny would tell me something, I would fucking like have resentment towards her because I'm like, how dare you like try to say that she's doing this or that. Yeah. Right. So that, that good on your parents and your step parents having a good relationship to further one of them to listen to a step parent. You know what I mean? Yeah. At least in those moments, you know, that is, it's pretty cool. Yeah. So talk about first stint to rehab. You got moved to Texas. So that, okay. So before I'll back to you. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, yeah. Let's do this step by step. So one of the times leading up to me eventually getting to rehab was I was on God knows what I was on so many different substances and then I ended up, I was not on meth. I ended up staying up for five, five or six nights and I had psychosis and I went to the middle hospital and that's when I started like, I mean, the doctors knew I was a drug addict. Yeah. I was a fucking liar. I'm like blood test is wrong. No way. No way. Yeah. Um, and I don't know how that got in there. It's like you mixed my, my blood up. You mixed up my piss with somebody else's. Yeah. And, and so that was, I mean, that was, I was there for I think nine days and that was the longest I've been clean since I was probably 12. Honestly. Wow. Um, but, and then so when I did my first suboxone induction, at 19, um, then I went and dropped off college because it was about to be, cause it's like that'll happen over what Christmas break or winter break or whatever. Um, I dropped out of college and then I, I didn't, I never thought I needed, at that point at least I was convinced. I was like, I do not need impatient. I've held a job for almost five years. Like I've done all these things. Uh, I'm fine. Like, uh, I was paying the bills. I did have, I mean, I was a kid. Um, and so I did outpatient. I, so I did three different outpatient programs and got kicked out of every single one of them before, um, before finally going for the people that don't know, that's when you just go for a few hours a day. Right. Yeah. So like it ain't, then you leave it three and this is rehab that you're doing. It's, uh, it's, so they call it IOP, so intensive outpatient care. So I want to say it was four or five days a week and it was, yeah, I was like from eight to, I don't know, yeah, eight to two or something like that. Yeah. And so I did that. Um, I went to this, the first one I went to, I went to twice and then ended up going, no, I'm trying to think. Yeah. And then the third one I also got kicked out of and yeah. Okay. So, and that was forced upon you. The outpatient. Yeah. I mean me living in my parents house was contingent on me staying sober and except for one of the times every time I got kicked out of outpatient was because I could not pass a drug test. So, or I would, I would pass it was flying colors. And then there would be no main, none of the mat medication in my body either because they also tested for that. And so then I would get kicked out for using somebody else's P. I would have my, I, I'm trying to think he was in. Sorry. I'm talking. I know. I know. I know. I'm fucking this all over. I'm so sorry. Oh, I had, uh, my younger brother, which at the time he must have been like 11 or 12 piss and a water bottle. I was waiting for you to say he's five or six. Pissing this bottle. No, the first time I had him pee in a bottle for me, he must have been eight or nine. Oh man. What'd you tell him you needed to piss for? Did you, you were just honest with it? Yeah. I said, I'm smoking weed. Oh yeah. Okay. And then later on, um, I would ask him for piss and he would go, oh, well, I have weed in my system. I'm fucking pee in a bottle for you. And I would go, it's fine. They know I smoke weed. I just need, uh, I don't know. I would say something like I took an Adderall three days ago. Yeah. I had to or like, I don't know. I would just pull something. So it's everything else that you're worried about. You're like, we need child's play shit. Yeah. And see, and then I, I'm trying to think. Let's wait and hear you. You were ringing out a baby brother's diaper fucking into a bottle. No, no, I would have. I bet. Absolutely. We just gave that idea to a lot of fucking people out there. Holy shit. We can use diapers or probably better. Yeah. More more piss comes out. There's less absorption. Yeah. So find the crunchy parents and steal some fucking diapers. People are going to be trading their diapers for fucking dope. I got some used diapers for piss. Yeah. Man, I completely blanked on what your question was before. It was just about the forced rehab upon you and yes, how it didn't stick. So like so many others like that don't sit there. It's like, oh yeah, when you're forced to do it. I went to outpatient, right? Outpatient. That's yeah. The company made me, right? The first time they found out I was using. Yeah. And I went to outpatient and I want to say I had to go from eight to 12 and then I'd go to work afterwards. And I was able to get sober for about two weeks. And then I went out of town and when I went out of town, I got high with the people that I went to see out of town because it was only Monday through Friday. So the weekends, you didn't have to show up. So I went out of town and then I come back that Monday and they're like, Hey, going to P test you know, oh, no problem. And I knew I was fucking about to pop this thing. And of course I popped it and I'm like, I don't know what kind of test y'all have, but that's not right. I didn't know. Somebody is setting me up. I didn't do shit. I swear to God, I put that on everything that I own. And she's like, yeah, like that's what everybody says. And then I come back the next day with fake piss and pass that one. So. Yeah. This is the story of carrot sticks and gummies. No, that was a different time. Yeah. I know. But the creativity of people asking a nine year old for their pee. That's like, it's pretty wild. They didn't have itself. That's a like wild. Come impressive. You're like, okay. And I would actually, he would pee for me regularly. Yeah. Like on and on, like for years pretty much. Um, I'm serious. He would. And I would always piss on the bottle and I'll get it later. I would always keep pee. I always had something. Like I always had it. Um, I was ready. I even used fake piss when my mom would drug test me sometimes. Um, for weed, she would only be drug testing me for weed. And I was over here like, fucking. I use those hot hands and I would put those around my little five hour energy drink bottle to keep it warm. And I would keep it here. So if I ever got drug tested, I could just pull a little pee out and use that. And it always kept it. Temp body temperature warm. Yeah. I would put it inside of me and I would like have a Bobby pen like like in your purse. Yes. My in my prison purse. Yes. No. And then like, I would be like, mom, I can't, I can't pay attention and like pop it and like, oh, there we go. Or I'm like, I'm, I'm shy. I'm P shy or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, like she never, my poor mom, she never caught on. I mean, I'm sure. Well, she doesn't know. She does now. Prison purse. Yeah. She's going to know now. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm shocked. Shocked at all. Yeah. I bet you one time. I was talking about you the other day. My mom goes, who is this Mike guy? I have you've never let me meet him. I was like, bitch. I didn't make it an impressive impression. Impression. See, you said prison. Something like it. It didn't make an impression. Yeah. So move along to what brought you to Texas. Okay. So because this is how old are you? I'm 24. Okay. I'll be 25 at the end of this year. Okay. So you got the Texas in 2021. You said earlier, see, I pay attention. I know what you're talking about. So what brought you here? Okay. So February of that same year, February 20th. I, I basically, I was in a situation where I finally was done and I was staying with a co-worker and his wife and, um, and they, I was lying to them initially and then they, they were like, if you detox, like we'll make sure you're safe and everything and you can stay. Um, that did not last. I was kicked out for other reasons though, not drugs, but they, uh, I did. So I detoxed there. Um, and then I started drinking a lot. Um, so I was drinking a lot. I successfully drank, you know, for about six months and then I had gotten fired for my job and all of them, what I'm about to say happens like within a week. I got fired for my job for coming in drunk after my 20 minute lunch break. That's pretty successful drinking. I would say. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty. I was underage and they like, I was getting served at the restaurant next door. Yeah. And, um, so I get fired. I had worked for that family, um, since I was 16 at that point and I, and then essentially I, I, yeah, I, I, well, I'm sorry. I'm all over the place. No, that's all right. I got fired for my job. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and I was in the process of moving all my stuff out of his mom's house cause he lived with his fucking mom at almost 30 years old. Should have known. Uh, I know. And, um, it was just like, I felt like my life was playing part and I just like somewhat mended the relationship with my parents that had been, I had destroyed years before and I was moving back into my mom's house. And one night, it might have been the day I got fired. Actually, I stopped and picked up some coke and I started just, and then immediately drove to Walgreens. I was like, I need to get. So when you do, you don't snort it. You shoot it. Yeah. I started shooting up coke and then I went and got some, some press. I mean, I knew they were pressed, but some pressed, um, proxies. Okay. It was, they don't, I don't think they make rocks anymore, but, uh, it was fentanyl. And so I was, I just started shooting up pills and, um, and coke again. And that went bad fast. I mean, like I, I had an app set. I ended up with an abscess on my arm and, um, yeah, it was just terrible. And I, I finally, I called, um, I had the bat in my entrance card and I called the back of it like the hotline and I was just sobbing and I was like, I need help. And I was picking up dope with them on the phone. And the guy was like, what are you doing right now? And I was like, I can't stop. Like, and I wanted to so bad. I'm sure that happens more than you think. He wasn't shocked. I mean, I'm sure he hears that fucking all that's like, I'm literally fucking getting high right now or I'm shooting up right now or I'm picking shit up right now. It's kind of like when someone drives to rehab a lot of times, they're using the last of their shit before they get to rehab. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? And, uh, the guy actually told me he was like, don't tell your parents if, if they're going to make you stop or kick you out because like, we want you to be safe until you get there. Yeah. Um, and so my, my youngest biological brother and sister are two years and two days apart. So on my sister's birthday, August 29th, um, I told my parents I was using and then I gave them my keys and then changed my mind. And wanted to leave. Nice. And it was my car. I bought the car myself because, because I had just been California sober or whatever, right? And, um, my mom refused to give me my keys back. And so I called the cops because that is my fucking property. Yeah. And, um, and they made her giving my keys back and they escorted me inside to get, to get a bag, whatever. And, um, I was leaving and my stepdad was like, you are done. Never come back. Like he was rightfully so. Yeah. Uh, like he, he was so, he was so disappointed because I was, yeah. And he was like, you're not going to rehab. There's no way. And I ended up going, but so two days later on my brother's birthday, I ended up, um, because there was a hurricane and the people called me and were like, um, the closest airport is Memphis. That's like no way I'm making it to fucking Memphis. Yeah, it's pretty far. So I slept on my dad's couch. Yeah. Um, especially in a hurricane. Yeah. I slept on my dad's couch, um, cause I didn't have anywhere to go. And then he drove me to the airport. Yeah. Uh, and the rehab paid for my ticket and I flew out here and I, I didn't have like a plan of stanging. I didn't know what I was going to do. I just knew. You're just trying to get sober. Yeah. Cause I mean, I had been try, I have tried, I had tried to get sober and stay sober. I mean, for like a year and a half or so, but I just knew like everyone everywhere. Or, oh my gosh, I'm nervous. I can't talk. Stop it. Everyone in that area I was in, like we, everyone knew everyone and everything. It's not the, I mean, compared to here, it's a small town, but it's definitely like a small town mentality. Um, and I mean, people, places and things I had to, I had to get away. I think that's smart. I think unless you have like really some roots tied in somewhere, I don't think it's a bad idea for anybody to leave the spot where they've been using for years where they know each and every corner that they can get it from or each and every person. Like if I didn't have my daughter and I didn't have the job that we have, then I would have, if I would have had no job, no nothing, I'm like, fuck it. I'll go to Oregon. Fuck it. I'll go, I'll go to Washington. I'll go to went anywhere. If it was to get sober. It was either here or well, the one guy, the first guy I talked to, um, his name was Jason. He, uh, he said, I went to this rehab in Wembley, Texas. That's where I went. This is where you need to go. The second person I talked to, his shift ended and like it was later that day or that next morning I talked to you. They were like, Oh, we might send you to California actually. And so Jason had given me his cell phone number and I called him and he was like, fuck no, they are not ruining this for you. Like, and so he, he made sure I made it to Texas and I did. So, and yeah, at that point, like I thought I had, because my parents, I mean, I doubt they believe I'd be able to stay sober. I think they want, they wanted me to, but I had just said that so many times. And you know, can't blame them. No, absolutely. Yeah, I can't. At all. Do you think the odds would have been if you would have stayed in Mississippi? Oh, for you to get sober. If I would have stayed in Mississippi, especially in that area. I mean, I probably would have died or ended up in prison. Yeah. Yeah. Like definitely. I think that's why it's so important for people to make that decision. Some people that if you don't have much going on for you here, fuck are you here for, you know, even if you do, I mean, it's, it's your life. It's your life. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I didn't, I didn't have a job. I didn't think my family was ever going to talk to me again. I mean, you just left your 30 year old boyfriend's mom's house. That's right. You know, I can check that one off. Yeah. I just, I, I needed a fresh start. Yeah. Basically. It's amazing that you had that foresight at fucking 20 years old, 19 years old. You know, 19, 20 years old. That, I mean, that tells you how fucking doing it from 12 to that point is, I mean, how much that'll knock you to your knees that you make a grownup ass. Kind of decision. Well, yeah, decision, but a grownup ass like idea of where you're at and what needs to happen in order for you to even have a chance at getting better. Yeah. Cause you were just kind of even at that point, I can only imagine it's a wing and a prayer like you're coming out here with nothing, really nothing. Yeah. Here's and your only job right now is to get sober. That can be a good thing too, though. Sure. That can be a really good thing. The only thing I got to worry about is getting sober. No, I think it's all very good. I don't want to say that it's not. What I'm saying is is at 20 years old, it's fucking wild. Yeah. That you had at 20 years old. I would have still been saying I don't have a problem. Yeah. And that like this is just normal. This is normal shit. We do. No, but you understanding that you having that understanding of yourself when needed to happen, I give you big time kudos on that. So that was your first stint in rehab. Yes. My first like it was inpatient. I was there for 25 days. Like my first. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Was like a full like it wasn't a half ass attempt. It was like I am. I'm doing you also wanted to go this time too. Oh, yeah. Yours was a one to this was a huge deal too. Like we have so many people come in and the times that they were forced to go. I was forced to go. I didn't want to go ahead to go. It's like those times like I don't know what the percentage would be, but it can't be fucking big for the for it to go right. It's smaller than the other probably going to be 2% or some shit. It's smaller in the other way. You know, for sure. So how did that rehab stand? God did that set up any kind of foundation for you? Oh, yeah. I mean, it was a way for me to, you know, like it was a controlled environment. I was able to get off of everything. I, I didn't know anyone there. So like that was also a plus. And I, I decided like, I think that going to sober living after that is definitely what like really set me up because like, I don't know. I compared to the last rehab I went to last year. Like this one was like a glorified summer camp kind of thing, the first one because they just didn't have a lot of education. They're shut down now, but, um, but it was what I needed at the time. Yeah. So just to get away. Yeah, definitely. Get your mind right. Yeah. Yeah. And so I stayed sober up until, uh, it was April of last year. Did you make it three, four years? No. It was close. So it was like two years and almost nine months. Cause the first time that you and I really ever talked after you pretty much told me to go eat a dick. And I didn't, but you told me that. But when you and I talked, you had mentioned like you seen the podcast and that that was the first time that you ever opened up to me. That you used to be homeless and that you was a heroin addict and this and that, and that you were almost three years sober. I don't know if you remember talking to me in the kitchen then. And, um, I was like, man, that's, huh? I brought it up way earlier. And, um, and I was like, oh, that's awesome. You know, you should come on the podcast sometime. You know, so that, did you say that I fucking did. I've asked you multiple times. I wasn't there. Yeah. So maybe they can count. I don't know. We didn't get the full approval, but I do remember you talking to me about that conversation. Cause I didn't know that about you. I was like, holy shit. Like, you know, it's, it's always crazy to me when you find out what someone's went through because I would like, I don't ever look at somebody and say, man, I bet you that my father's been through some shit. Yeah. I do sometimes, but I didn't about, I didn't do that with you. I just figured out she's just having a terrible day today. Maybe she's going through man problems or something when you yelled at me. And then when you told me that in the kitchen, I was like, oh, that's crazy. That like she's been through that and you was almost a three years. Now was that a dry, you weren't going to meetings and stuff during that time. Were you, were you still going to meetings? So you had a sponsor and all that. Oh yeah. Nordy. Um, I was very dry. I was sponsoring women and when you talk to me around that time. Yeah. I stopped sponsoring shortly before going to treatment. Yeah. I, I should not have been though. Like I was, I was dry. Were you working a program? Or were you just going through the motions? But I was not all in. I was so depressed. Um, I mean, you know, I had put on a lot of weight. A lot. Like I was miserable, like a hundred plus pounds. Yeah. So that's something that I, I definitely want to bring up too, because you today look way different than this time last year. Oh yeah. And I'm sure that that probably played a role in your, um, recovery this time around. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like keep your mind focused, keep your mind on something. Yeah. Well, I just, um, I was very focused the first time around the first time I, like when I originally moved here, I was so focused on just staying sober and like getting right on my psychiatric medication. I was also, I don't know. I was, I was just, I wasn't also focused like on taking care of myself and being healthy, um, healthy body, healthy mind. I didn't get that at that time. Um, and so this time around, I was like, man, if I'm going to do this, I would rather die than do it the way I did it last time. Like, cause I, I was so, so, so miserable. Um, and like my, my self-esteem was shot. My self-confidence was non-existent at that point. And so yeah, I just wanted to, I wanted to feel good really. Like that was what, like I was getting out of breath walking up. Three steps. Like I just, I was very, I was like, I was, no, but I was, yeah. They go over and pick up a sock and fuck. Like my asthma was really bad because I'm serious because of like my weight. Like I was, I'm not a very tall person. Like I was heavy. I was very heavy. Um, and yeah, I just wanted to, to feel good, to not be exhausted all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So what prompted the, the time that brought us to this time last year. Okay. So when I, when I went to sober living, right? A little bit after I went to sober living back in 2021, I met a guy in DAA. Oh wait, can I say that? Yeah. What is DAA? Drug addict synonymous. Yeah. You can say. So I met, I met a guy, you know the guy. And, um, and we, we, I moved in really fast. We dated, uh, we're not together anymore as of earlier this year, but we were having, we were having some, some issues and just not seeing eye to eye and I felt, we were not on the same page, but we weren't communicating that to each other. So we both had these ideas of like where the relationship was going and I felt betrayed because I felt like I had been upfront and honest and communicating. And, uh, yeah, I was, it was all, so I relapsed and I used the relationship issues as an excuse. Like this is finally a good enough reason for me to get high. A boy. We're in a fucking boy. Were you, were you like, um, I've heard a lot of people say that they had their relapse set up in their mind months ahead of probably over six months. Really? So you were thinking about it for six months. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like fuck if this happens, I'm getting high. Yeah. Like, well, I was thinking like I was basically waiting like for something to happen so that I could get high because I felt like, I, who's going to blame me if I don't know, you know, I have a good excuse. Right. I think, um, so it was a long time coming for sure. Like I was dry for like probably close to a year, if not more. Really? Yeah. Um, yeah, just going through the motions, really depressed. Like I just was not in a good, good headspace. I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable too. Like my coworkers, my partner at the time. Being assholes to people at work. Yeah. Yeah. Being a dick to Mike. Yeah. That was great. So nice of you. Good to do it. Like my arm hit pot showing right now. Shut up. So just. So all that was happening and then just the opportunity presented itself and you were like, fuck it. Let's go. Yes. Um, yeah, I, well I started, I went to, uh, a vape store down the street from work and they had like those, what is it? Like the synthetic. Kratom. Yeah. No. Marijuana. Yeah. And it's like Delta eight. Yeah. Yeah. So I started using that. Um, I started drinking and one of the times I was drinking with a co-worker who is, she doesn't work there anymore. Yeah. Um, yeah, a guy showed up who I didn't know one of her neighbors and he had Coke and he sold Coke and I was like, this is my end. Yeah. This is yeah. Yeah. You have the stars are aligning. Yeah. Yeah. And so, um, I bought some and then I, I shared an Amazon account with my mom. I still do, but I logged out of that one and made my own and paid for prime so that I could get needles delivered right to me. Yeah. But not at the house. It was that it was that like the, the gas station on the street that has a fucking. Uh, yeah. One of the boxes, the yellow box. Yeah. And so I, um, so that I could start shooting up again. Same day. Yeah. Sometimes. I think I had, you didn't just want to go to the CVS or the Walgreens and fucking buy some, you know, the, the main reason I didn't do that. Well, in Mississippi, it's very, well, I don't know how the laws are here, but in Mississippi, like it's basically up to the pharmacy tech. Yeah. Whether or not they're going to sell it to you. See Walgreens will hear CVS will not. And there was only one lady who I knew, who I knew would sell them to me. And it was at the 24 hour Walgreens in my hometown. Um, and she worked the overnight shift sometimes. And I was very nervous that I was going to run into a situation where they wouldn't sell it to me. Um, and then also like I was just, I was all over Reddit cause I was blanking. I was like, which ones did I used to buy? What did I say? Cause I used to like have it like, I'm taking care of puppies. Yeah. Well, no, like which ones do I need? What, what gauge and like I was, I was overthinking it and I was like, it'll just be easier if I just order it myself like this. And like, yeah, just I won't have to give them my ID. Yeah. She used to give me your ID and they like whatever. I don't know. I just. So they delivered them the same day and that was all she wrote. The needles, you got the needles the same day. Yeah. And then you were shooting up the same day. Yeah. I, so later that night, um, yeah. And then I parked my car somewhere and started shooting up and then later that same night I ended up in the hospital. Why'd you end up in the hospital? I know he knows I broke off an insulin syringe in my arm. You got the wrong gauge. Did you get the wrong gauge? Yes. Well, yeah, but also like I, I was like, oh, I haven't shot up in years. Like I've only just gotten like blood work done. Um, I'll be fine, but like I had a fuck ton of scar tissue. I broke off an insulin syringe in both of my arms. This one came out on its own. This one, I had to have emergency surgery to get removed. So what is that? Fucking what is that phone call like? Like, do you call somebody or you just show up at the hospital and say, so I can broken needle off in here and I need you to get it. So I called my friend who lived like 10 or so minutes away and she knew that I was drinking. She's sober. She's still sober. Um, I met her. This is your bestie, right? Yeah. My bestie. And she knows I'm here. Her name. Do you? I don't know if I can say it, but it's up to you. Well, it's up to her, but I didn't ask her. So I don't want to, you know, but, um, but yeah, so she came and got me. No questions asked. Um, I told her, I said, I just broke off a needle in my arm. Can you please come get me to the hospital? And then I called the hospital to make sure and they were like, obviously you need to fucking come in and say that, but the lady was a bitch to me on the phone. She was like, oh yeah. And then every single fucking person who I talked to in the hospital was like, so how did you do that? You know how I did that. You have me on it. You have me on so much at event right now because I was losing my shit when I got here. You know how I did that. Yeah. And I remember telling the guy, was it the anesthesiologist or one of like the scrub nurses or something? He was, it was the last person who asked me that and I looked at him and I was like, you fucking know why don't ask me stupid questions. Yeah. And I told him that and yeah. So when you break a syringe, I don't know because I've never shut up. When you break it, did you can't just pull the motherfucker back out? It like, well, this time I couldn't. I have done that before, but I don't know. It's too deep. Well, I was like digging. I was like digging for any for a vein of my arm. Okay. Yeah. And and it snapped off and it was a brand new needle. I just started hurting or were you on coke and it didn't matter. Um, it didn't matter. Yeah. I was on coke. It didn't matter. Well, I think I was well, no, yeah, I was already high and I didn't care. Like I got over the fear of needles and my arms being painful a long time. I don't know. Like I wasn't, I didn't care either way. Um, yeah. So they pulled it out. They had to put me under. So what they did is they, uh, they like numbed me up and like opened my arm up in the ER, like in the room. Yeah. Yeah. And he couldn't get it. Like he could see it with the ultrasound, but he couldn't because it was such a small gauge. It was like, I don't even want to say it was a tiny, it was too small of a gauge. Yeah. And, um, they had to call in. Somebody come get it. Somebody to come get it. And so they put me on and under anesthesia and yeah. And so my tattoo back together crooked. That's fine. Not a big deal. Hey, yeah. Worst story. Yeah. Yeah. Got a cool story about that one, about that crooked tattoo. Yeah. I don't like to tell it typically to average people, but. So then you're like, I need to get back in. No, no, no, not yet. No, I was like, I can do this on my own. I'm fine. Yeah. Um, and then I kept using and that brought us to the next elevator story. You used during this time. I know that you were smoking Delta eight, which is terrible and you were drinking. So you were shooting up for three weeks. No, I shot up for three days. Okay. That's what I thought. Yeah. No, no, no, but like that from start to finish three. Cause one thing that I always appreciate about you and anybody else that ever relapses. Is I'm so scared to relapse because I don't know how long I would be into it or if I would ever come back. Yeah. Right. I mean, there's other reasons like I made a promise to Kaylin. Kaylin told me the other day that if you ever do meth again, I will never talk to you again because you made a promise to me and I'm like, well, I guess I'm never doing nothing. Yeah. But I always appreciate, I always, I appreciate you so much because you recognize it so quickly and you're like, I fucking need help where most people would be like, fuck it. I'm out. I've already relapsed. I'm going to stay because that's my biggest fear is I wouldn't just do it once or twice, which is a reason I could never do anything again because I'm going to fucking be out there for a long fucking time, if not ever until I die. Well, I made the decision before I started shooting up again that that time that I was, um, I had made the decision that I was going to go back to treatment. I got you. I knew that there was not going to be a way for me to stop on my own. I was so, I was, I knew it. I actually, I never thought I would get out of that spot at that time. I was like, I had everything in my life looked great by my emotional sobriety. My mental health, everything was like down the drain. Yeah. And so I knew, um, to get out of this, I'm either going to have to go to rehab and like attempt or I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Um, I never, I mean, I thought about it for a long time. About the relapse and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to just stop on my own. Like I, I knew that wasn't really an option. That was a delusion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and that's what I always appreciate about you and other people that can figure that out that quick. Like I got to stop this right now because I can't stop them all and I need help to do that. So the second elevator trip. Oh yeah. So I. Have you talked about using that word? No, like have me? Oh yeah. I just, I just never say where I work. I never use that name. Okay. So I, uh, was walking to the elevator so that I could go to a different floor to use their bathroom to shoot up. Um, I get on the elevator fucking Mike. Got on the elevator and I was like, God damn it. And I, I don't even know if we talked. I don't, I think yours like hi, bye. Kind of thing. Like I was more if I'd yeah. And I texted you and I got in there. Well, part of me was like, he knows. Yeah. Did you know? And then the other part of me, I didn't want to stare at her in the face because fucking she might tell me what the fuck you looking at. No, we were friends at that time. Yeah. But you can switch. But you knew about the surgery. Yeah. And the relapse already. Yes. Before like when I was still like the week that I, I went back to work after surgery, right? Yes. Okay. So I was like, he knows, he knows I'm using again is what I thought. But also when you say surgery, you're talking about when they pulled the thing out of your arm. Yeah. I knew about that. And you knew about that before I went back to treatment, right? Like I had come back to work. Okay. So it was like that few days, less like a week or whatever. Hold on. No, I didn't know. You actually told me all this in one go. Oh, yeah. Great. I didn't know. Oh, okay. So when you told me, I think I just thought I knew. Elevator, you assumed that I knew, holy shit. I was also tweaking. Yeah. I was also fucking coked up. Yeah. And then you texted me. Go ahead. Yeah. I texted you. I don't remember what I said. He said, I'm, I need help. Oh, yeah. I need help. I've been using and I relapsed. Did I tell you that I, did I say I'm getting high right now? No, you didn't tell me that. Okay. I would have been like, what floor are you on? No, you, um, and then that's when I found out about you breaking the needle off in your arm. Cause we talked for hours. I talked to you for fucking, then we talked. Well, I texted you and ended up going back to my desk. And then when I got off work, I picked up more drugs and then called you. Yeah. And that's when you told me about breaking the thing off in your arm. Cause we talked for like two or three hours. Yeah. On the phone. We talked and I was getting high the whole time. Yeah. And I was cheering you on. Do it. Do one for me. No, but, um, but yeah. So you were, you were the, one of the first people, you were the, the first person that we used this podcast to help find you a rehab, find you somewhere. And I didn't know how to really do it because we had literally just started. Yeah. We didn't know what the fuck we didn't know. And I talked to more on about it. And I was like, you know, the, I remember though, the one thing I asked you is, do you think you can quit on your own? Or do you need to go to treatment? And you said, I absolutely need to go to treatment. And I said, are you going to go to sober living afterwards? And you say, I don't know. I just know that I need to go to treatment. So I made some phone calls for you. And I know that you had insurance. Right. I think it was your stepdad's insurance, right? Yeah. Good stepdad. And, um, I made some phone calls for you to a guy that I know and to a woman that I know. And then somehow I thought you had found the place on your own, but I think it was the woman that actually found it for you and linked you up with that place. So yes. Well, she had mentioned it. Miss Karen. I'll say it. Miss Karen. Okay. I was sure. Yeah. So she, I want to say she suggested it. She was like, if you don't go to like the place she was at or wait, no, the one she was at at the time was only like, it was only for mental health kind of. Well, also it wasn't. Inpatient. Like I, I couldn't have gone to detox there. Basically. I don't think they do talks there. So, um, she suggested it and, uh, one of my other really good friends, um, she came, she came over to be with me while I was calling rehabs and crying and she brought me Sonic and yeah, I cried in eight months, realistic. And, um, she called one of her friends and her friend was like, I can't remember if she said she had had a spon C or if she had gone there or something. She was like, I highly recommend this place. Um, I think that you should at least look into it basically. And, and I think she had looked up numbers or the friend who was at who I was with at the time, she looked up the phone numbers and I don't know. Yeah. It all just kind of fell together and that's where I ended up going. Yeah. Cause we did a podcast that day after I talked to you and when I sat here and talked to you and I talked to Jay Klein and I was like, I have a friend that needs help and I don't know what to fucking do. Yeah. It was a topic like I mean, back then the way, I think we might have had a podcast about it. We didn't say your name. We didn't say your name or anything. It was just kind of a situation. Right. Yeah. Cause I reached out to Taren cause Taren's always the guy that I call. Anytime someone needs rehab, I always call Taren and then Miss Karen is the other two. Well, those are the two that I always reach out to. When we started doing this, it was topic based. It was like, I'm like kind of, yeah. Yeah. I'm kind of like scripting the way the conversation is going to go. Not script it, but like questions and this is how we're going to, this is what we're going to talk about. So when your situation came up, it was like, that's a great fucking thing to talk about, right? Like, there's got to be a lot of people in that same situation all the time. So we talked about it at the round table for a little while and like, it was just a lot of advice basically on you. Did you know it was me from work? I did. And I, I'll tell you that now because I know you a little bit. But at the time, Mike was like, look, don't, I can say anything, but he really needed to talk to someone. Yeah, yeah. That's about like what was happening. And I kind of, I was able to sort of put it together and piece mail it myself based on the first conversation, like what, what the fuck? Like, you know, like he was like, dude, that girl Abby just fucking lit me up. It's, you know, and then I was like, yeah. So then fast forward to the needle in the arm and the you opening up to him before that saying that you had a pass with addiction. And so yeah, I did. I knew it was you and, but I, I mean, I kept my mouth shut. I was just curious. I'm not, I'm not going to be like, fuck you for telling him a year ago that I went to read. The only other person I knew from work was our lawyer. I won't say her name on here, but she helped me too. Oh yeah. Cause I talked to her. She helped a lot. She was fucking awesome. So supportive. HR was like amazing. Yeah. We're blessed to have her. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that's how it all came about. And then what was awesome about that, I think we did this on Saturday and you were fucking there on Monday. Like you were there quick. Like you didn't fucking play around. Yeah, you were there very quick. No, I was there too. I was supposed to go. They gave me like a timeframe. I think the earliest I could have gone was like Monday evening is what the detox told me because I had to go to detox first as a formality even though I hadn't been for very, been using for long. I was there. I was there on Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah. I used Sunday and Monday like to pack. I talked to my stepdad and asked him to tell my mom. Yeah. Just got all my ducks in a row. I went over there Tuesday. Make sure my bills were paid and everything and yeah. And then I wrote you when you was there. I still got your letter. You like called up there to see if you could put money on my books. I didn't fucking know. Like you could put money on my numbers when I was in rehab. I was like, yeah, I didn't. I'm gonna like a fucking state paid like it's basically never know. You got to buy vapes and shit. I didn't know if you had any money trying to help you out dog. Yeah. Well, I was very, very fortunate. I I was able to like keep my job. So I had money on I I had saved up a decent amount of money and I was able to to pay for myself to go to treatment this time. Yeah. Which I was actually, yeah, that's what the other thing that impressed me when when you got out and you told me like I was like, like, I was like, do you need any money? Do you need help with anything? And he's like, no, I've got everything taken care of. Like you you did really well for yourself. You know, yeah. Like, dude, I start using fucking my money's going to go quick. Yeah. I mean, when I when I I've been sober for a couple of years before that and so I I definitely have a fear of being financially insecure or not being able to eat or whatever from yeah, from like, uh, from sleeping in my car and whatever, right? Like, or sleeping in a motel or behind a motel, whatever, right? Um, and so I definitely that is still my biggest fear to this day. Oh yeah. I I'm doing some stuff work on it right now. Yeah. That is my biggest fear is a and it's it's crazy because destiny so much younger than me and like destiny to destiny a thousand dollars is five hundred dollars is like so much money. And when my bank account gets to a certain level, I'm like fucking tripping and stressing and not in a good mood. Like I'm an asshole and she's like, bro, how much money do we have? And I tell her and she's like, what are we? What are you worried about? Like what? But that's not that. And she's like, baby, all of our bills are paid for the next four months. Like we're fine. But that is my biggest fear. Yeah. It's financial insecurity. And a lot of people's. Yeah. I think that's a universal one. You know, I know when I hear people in the rooms that talk about relapsing that time they relapse, it's normally a relationship or it's something happened financially where they just fucking. Lossed. I'll out or fell out or fucking just said I can't do it. Yeah. That is still my biggest fear. Money and sex or. Two biggest fears. Not fears. Is that a fear? Yeah, that's fucking. I am. Yes, I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid. I've been a virgin this whole time. My mom, you want to hear a great story? My mom's 75. She just went through a divorce. I think I told you this. And I'm like, you didn't tell me that she was. Listen, so I'm like, mom, get on a dating app. Start fucking throwing that monkey out there. And she's like, mom watches this. Love, mom. Love you. My mom's like, Michael, you fucking idiot. I'm like, mom, that's what you got. You're 75. Like it's not like you fucking you're going to have to throw it out there. You're going to have to give it to whoever wants it. And she's like, what a fucking cool conversation to have with your mom. This fool doesn't say anything else except Michael. What about AIDS? I don't want to get AIDS and I'm like, mom, you're 75 fucking year. Who gets a fuck? If anything, you'll just get HIV and it won't ever. Yeah. It's by the time it really starts kicking in. You're fucking gone anyway. Yeah. Throw that fucking monkey. Give that monkey to whoever wants it. What about AIDS? So she calls my brother to tell my brother, let me tell you what your brother said. And my brother told her the fuck, mom, get fucking throw your monkey out there to whoever get it out there. Why are you calling it monkey? I don't know. I figured she's 75. It's probably. It's in a Chris Brown song where he refers to it. It refers to it. Are you saying your mother is ungroomed? I mean, she's 75 and she was born in the 50s. So I'm assuming she's probably not Brazilian wax. I don't know. I've never really went down there. Well, you will not be finding any company for her monkey right now. Yeah. Well, that's not in anymore. Company for the monkey. That we should get her on like a fucking reality television show. Company for the monkey. Company for the monkey. Yeah. It's a great fucking title. It is a great title. My bestie who you were talking about earlier. Yes. Her dad found his his second wife who was married to still on a dating app. He was like, I know what I want. Put everything in there. And the only thing that didn't exactly work out how he wanted it to is he put no smoker and she does smoke cigarettes and she lied about it. So they weren't married anymore. No, they're still married. She's amazing. So. But when he found it out, he was fine. She was on a dating app and was he was on a dating. They were both on a date. They met. I want. Oh, they met on a dating. I didn't catch that. Okay. Okay. Yeah. They met on a dating app. I didn't know that. I thought you were you were like, he found her. They're married and he found her on the dating app. And I'm like, that means he was on a fucking dating app. Yeah. Okay. One wrong makes one wrong equals a right. I should have started from the beginning. My apologies. Yeah. I jumped around a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Mike's monkey's mom aside. Well, now she's on four day moms. Nice. She's on every dating app out there. Even farmers need dick to know. Have you been on that one? Not not within the past hour. I'm like, mom, you're not even a fucking farmer. I am. I'm out here forming that seed. Far this monkey. Farming that cock. I mean, so so around a hedge trimmer. I think you and the letter you wrote to Mike was probably the first time we ever cried on this podcast. Yeah. I had an emotional moment. Yeah, it really was. It was still have it. We should put it somewhere. That was a pretty, that was pretty heavy when you writing that letter. I remember writing it. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't every I mean, not even just getting into treatment, but like afterwards, like you let me stay with you for a little bit. After sober living in between where I live now and like you were a big, no, yeah, you were a big part of me, like learning how to be healthy again, like what to eat. Working out discipline was a big thing, but also like balance, like you're not going to shame me for eating chips and queso or whatever. You know, I don't know. Just like it was you're a huge support and like also my biggest cheerleader and you definitely like have a lot of connections and you were like, I'm going to introduce you to every sober woman I know. Yeah. And he still hasn't helped me a husband yet. I don't know what the fuck that's about. Yeah. I haven't found the right one for you. Yeah. Keep looking. There's they got it. They got to hit a bunch of levels. My standards aren't that high, but you help me just as much as I helped you. But I know for a fact my life wouldn't look anything like it does now. If it weren't for it's a fucking Tuesday on the elevator, right? Sure. Well, that's what I was. That's what I've brought up in the past was and we led with that, but it was. It was like so many times somebody's sobriety and let's remove sobriety, but maybe they're maybe they're just fucking day. You know, we can start with that. It changes with the little moment. Right. It's a baby moment that has changed a lot of people who has sat in that chair in their sobriety, but. You just extended that in a big way by saying. My life is changed because of a moment where if he would have reacted differently and quite frankly, like 99% of people, 95% of people would react and be like, fuck out of here. I'm fucking. I just don't want to talk to you anymore. I guess, you know, he was relentless. Did I do dog? Yeah. He forced me to be his friend. No, I think the next time you talk to me in person, you come up to me and go, my girlfriend, because y'all weren't, y'all weren't engaged yet. You were like, my girlfriend said I'm saying your name wrong. Abbe Gale, Abbe Gale. And you just kept and I was like, if this guy doesn't shut the fuck up and leave me alone and you are still the only person allowed to not like, I. How do you say it? No, that's not what I will Abigail, but I don't care about that. But like, I'll correct people on the work emails. Have you heard about that? But you call me abs and I have to act in a way, right? My coworkers like, I cannot believe that he thinks he can say that and email it's so important. Like, and I have to be like, I know he's such an asshole. I've got to say something to him about that. And like, I don't actually care. I'm like, uh, he's the only one allowed to do that. But anyone else, I'll be like, thank you so much. My name is actually spelled. I'm like, nice. Yep. I try. I've done it less and less. I have a fucking signature on there. Like, what's the problem now? Now you get why it's a fucking Tuesday. It still hasn't left you Abigail. It's still there. It's still there. It's still wonderfully there, but that's never going to lead. Yeah. That's not going to be sure. And it probably shouldn't because that's person. That's part of your personality. This is who you are. Less miserable now though. Yeah. Yeah. This is the best my life has been probably ever is how everything's going out for sure. Well, and you deserve every bit of it. Yeah. Like I when we were going to work out, the only reason we don't work out anymore is because they changed our fucking lunch times. I know. We had the same lunch times. I loved going to work out with you. Me too. If I, it was awesome. I got to fucking see you start where you started and to see where you are now. It's fucking like, it's amazing. Like, and to like, when I get to talk to you now, like, there's no more fucking Tuesdays really, like you're always in a good mood. Like even on the days that you're aggravated, like when I talked to you today, was it today or yesterday? Yesterday, probably yesterday when I went up and gave you a hug from behind and you were like, let me tell you what this motherfucker said. Right. But it was like the old Abbey would have fucking went off a fucking deep end. Right. But you were able to tell me what it was and we were like, well, fuck. Fuck them. Yeah. Yeah. All of them. Every single motherfucker in that department. Fuck them. And that's, that's how we ended it. It wasn't nothing that you have to go and get high from or fucking go and lose your shit from. And that's the way that, that I've got to see you grow in the last year. And shrink at the same time. And shrink. Yes. Yeah. Smaller. 110 pounds down and maintaining. Yeah. You have to say that out loud because without drugs, that's a big deal. Yeah. And it was like, I mean, that's where I would, every time I saw you, you know, we wouldn't see each other every day, but I was like, yeah. Yeah. She lost like another fucking 30 pounds. I'm down 23 pounds. I'm down 25 pounds. I'm doing 27. That was, I loved updating you. I would weigh myself like every other day or every few days and I'd be like, Oh my gosh. Tell Mike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I have a fam. But you deserve every bit of what you, what you're getting. You deserve the greatest life that you can possibly have. You still have so much more in front of you to wild how, I mean, it's fucking nuts that you're 24 years old and you've already gone through so much, I mean, to get here. So yeah, I feel you're built for, you're built for the, for what's coming. You're built for it. All the, there's going to be ups and downs, but nothing's going to be like the downs you've come from. So. Um, honored to know you, honored to, you know, have you as, I mean, you really were a pretty big part of this podcast and it getting up and running and stuff. We, you were, you were a topic several times and. Y'all, it would have been the same place now without my topic. No, the thing that you would started this, it was to help people, right? And you were the first person that we could legitimately say like, holy shit, this thing can help someone, right? And that we were like, for you to have the, the trust to reach out to me, even though you thought it was hot youth, you thought that I thought you were high as fuck, but for you to reach out to me and let me know what you were going through. I was honored to get that text message. It was an honor. It was like fucking like I cried when I got the text message that it, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do for you, but I knew that we were going to help you any way that we could. So and I, and I love you. You're, you're, you're my bestie. You know, I don't say, I don't say that lightly. I tell everybody at work. That's my best friend up here at work. That is my, that is my home girl. That is my number one. Yeah. That is ruining my reputation. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Finally, I'm honored. Yeah. You've been, you had to invite me and I am though. You invited her to fucking 18 times. No, seriously though. Yeah. Definitely an honor. No, it was an honor. The honor is all ours and we've been trying to run you down for a little while to do this. And the other day it was, it was funny when it kind of came together last minute. It's total two addicts in a moron style. You're like, still haven't asked me to come on and we're like, you know what? Fucking tomorrow. We're doing it tomorrow. You were like, and I'll probably shitting your pants all day. She called me last night. And he declined it. It rained like once. I told you that. You should have answered. She's like, why do you decline me so? And I said, well, I can call you back. I'm taking a massive shit right now. Yeah. I really was. I was taking a bad shit. Yeah. And she calls and I'm like decline and I'm texting her and she's like, wow, you fucking declined me. I'm like, bro, I'm taking a shit right now. But she called, she texts me. She's like, Hey, so do you really want me to come on? Or was you just, I was like, no, I've wanted you to come on ever since you we store ever since you went and ever since we wrote each other a letter. I've wanted you to come on. I knew that you were coming on one day. I was checking that. I wasn't stepping on any toes. I wasn't trying to be like to invite myself on or anything or I just, I just wanted to check like you're looking at the three bosses right here. And you're this is it. And there's also this, like I say it to everybody who comes and sits on the couch, but for you, I would, I'm going to extend it even more. You never need an invitation to come here. Like you have a key. You should have a fucking. Yeah, you can, you can invite yourself on here anytime you want because like I said, you were a part of this in the early days. You really were. It was a big part of us having another topic to talk about that probably helped someone else. So anytime, any place you never need an invitation from us. You can barge in that door anytime you want. There's an open seat for you anytime you want. And we're just going to need you before you leave to sign the wall. Okay. Make it official. Gotta take some pictures. Yeah. Sign it. Kegels like just do that. You taught Mike something new and he was a new as mine. So various. You taught Joe something new too. He's Googling Kegels right now. Yeah. He's doing the workout. I was wondering what you were doing. Well, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Abigail abs abs do addicts and more on love you Seth and Joe and we recently lost a co-worker. Yes. Daniel Arlikowski just thought some prayers to his parents and family and his son and his son. Everybody good dude is a really good dude. He was so dear in my during my addiction. We didn't have anywhere to go. One Thanksgiving. And he was like, y'all come to my house. So I went and got to hang out with him and his family. Yeah. Family was awesome. My daughter was probably three three three and a half and at that time she could name like 24 New England Patriot players. Nice. There are numbers and their names. Yeah. So I had her go through the whole lineup. Yeah. His whole family was like, holy shit. She was like four. I still got the video. Yeah. But yes, Daniel, we love you. We miss you thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Yeah. Sweet heart of a dude. So with that two addicts and moron we're out.