S1E13 - 'Monday Morning 7.45am' REMASTERED

Prime Video offers the best in entertainment. The end of the world continues with Fallout 2. A global phenomenon, inbegred by Prime. I heard you about what to do in this situation. Look at the epic end of the unwritten story of The Witches of Oz. Buy or buy? Wicked for good now. I'm taking you to see The Wizard. There's no going back. So what you also look, Prime Video. Here you look at everything. Prime is advised, especially to buy or buy. Inhoud can be advertised 18+. All the rules are used to be used. the following podcast contains adult themes sexual content and strong language basically all the good stuff jamie why are we here we're here because my dad's written a porno your dad's written a porno erotic literature why Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. Even if it were being served by the very sexually fulfilled night receptionist called Sam. Who? Is that the youngish man? Oh my God, Sam. He just slips in the name of the youngish man. The Duchess started to sob softly and reclined. I do not blame her. And they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together. Yay! Hello guys, welcome back to the final ever chapter of Belinda Blinked. It's my dad right at corner. Let me wipe those tears, Al. Guys, we've made it. Congratulations. Well done all. We can just enjoy Christmas now knowing we'll never have to listen to bad porn again. It's great, isn't it? It's just out the way. You know, that burden, that weight's lifted. Yeah. It's like when you're in a weekly food shop. You're like, I've done that now. I don't have to worry about it for a while. Like Belinda wished she had on that Saturday, but she didn't, did she? That's true. There's something I want to bring up. I want to get resolved. Oh. We had an email. Oh God, I dread these. Do you know what? I love that James is the only person that knows to log into our email. Didn't even know he had an email. It's just something I want to resolve. It's from Eric. Hi, Eric. The title of the email is, As a Virgin. Okay. So the title of the email leads into the email. You've caught my attention, Eric. Go on. As a virgin, it is nice to have apparent virgin James Cooper in the studio. To represent us and say stupid stuff while pretending he knows things. Eric. James, you are rumbled. And also studio. He wishes. We're in a kitchen. Eric is an anagram of Alice and Jamie. Does everyone think I'm a virgin? Well, Eric does. I mean, I wouldn't say everyone. But you're part of his team. Right, I'm not a virgin, just to clarify. Don't feel like you have to say whether you are or aren't. Don't feel pressured. He has a right to respond. Eric, I'm not a virgin, all right? So we don't know whether James is a virgin or not. Let's just say that. We don't know. It's ambiguous. Nothing wrong with you being a virgin, Eric, obviously, but I'm not. So I just wanted to clear that stuff. Have you ever heard someone protest too much, more than this? The fact that he felt they need to bring it up in the first place speaks volumes, James. This is obviously because of your perceived lack of knowledge about, I presume, the female form. Although not your area of expertise and you never said it was. No. But your naive charm is what draws people to you. Other virgins. But maybe people don't understand that you're actually gay. Maybe that's the thing. That is true. Thank you for asking. Oh, wow. So I've outed him as a virgin and now is gay. I'm a gay virgin. And that's why I don't have that much knowledge about the female anatomy. Because it's not what he enjoys. I enjoy it. Well, I'm glad that we've cleared that up. It's not to my taste, so to speak. And also James's mum listens, so that's the first time she'll know as well. Okay, bye mum. I'll talk to you when I get home. So thanks for getting in touch, everyone. We have really appreciated throughout the series that you guys have been asking us questions and chatting to us. It's gone crazy, hasn't it? Rarely do we have the answers because we are asking as many questions as you, but it definitely is good to know that other people are struggling. Yeah, and definitely. And also, just a quick reminder, this is the last chapter of the book, but on Christmas Day, we will be having a special episode all about Rocky and his answers to your questions. So hopefully people will understand a little bit more about why this book came into the scene. A literary Q&A. Yeah, exactly. Imagine people sat around the table on Christmas Day, they've just had your dinner, you put on on, Belinda blinked. I wouldn't recommend it post-dinner. Or pre, actually. Maybe just get up really and listen to it in the morning and then go back to bed. Yeah, with headphones on, when no one else is around. Precisely. So what is the final chapter called, Jamie? The final chapter is called Monday Morning, 7.45am. Anything to add, James? Well, he does love a timed chapter, doesn't he? Any questions about whether that's the correct day? Definitely the correct day. 7.45. She's got to get her work by nine. and I feel like she's about to have a session with the Duchess. Oh, God. Do you think? And then glicky. In and out, like it all, now. On your way. Okay, well, are we ready? Do you want to hold my hand? Yeah. This is it. It's the last time we're ever going to do this. Go team! Woo! Belinda Blinked, Chapter 14, Monday morning, 7.45am. I can't bear it. I don't want to say goodbye. I know. My lady, I feel I need to fulfil your strongest desires. Oh, we're straight in. Straight in. Dialogue. That's Belinda. They're talking to the Duchess. Very rarely with the dialogue. Okay, good. Yes, Miss Belinda. Please do what you need to me. And then if you so desire, please fuck me with the black leather dildo. She keeps saying it. She's not leaving anything to chance. She's like, do whatever you want. But I will mention again, do quite enjoy that black leather dildo. I mean, it's going to happen, surely. It's like when someone goes, get me whatever you want for Christmas, but here is a list of links to specific things that I'd really like. What's on your Christmas list? Please fuck me with a black leather dildo. Hard. Up my vagina. And don't stop. If it pleases you, Miss Belinda. Up my vagina. Up my vagina. Go on, love. Well, up as opposed to what? Yeah, sideways? I don't know. Jesus. my lady it does please me and i shall fulfill your needs oh get on with it then stop saying i'll fulfill it will you fulfill it yeah fulfill it literally every time we fill it up with a every time they speak i feel like they curtsying to each other like my lady miss If it pleases you my lady it like oh yeah whatever My lady it does please me and I shall fulfil your needs but then you need to drive me back to my car so I can get to work. Always getting a bit madman, but then can I have a lift? There's Uber pool now. She doesn't need to worry about it. Hitch a lift with Jim Sterling. Is he also somewhere milling around? Yeah, he's probably at the Horson Jockey store. Yeah, he's somewhere looking for his penis. My lady, it does please me, and I shall fulfil your needs, but then you will need to drive me back to my car so I can get to work and end this very strange weekend. I mean... It's a bit rude, isn't it? Well, it's an understatement. Yeah, at least she's acknowledging that it was a weird and strange weekend. But wouldn't you feel a bit offended if you'd been part of that weird weekend? You'd be like, call it an adventure, but weird weekend, I'd be a bit miffed. Yes, I accept your terms. please buckle on the dildo and fuck me slowly buckle up scream if you want to go faster Miss Belinda we have said in the past that certain people are like old school carnies and now the Duchess very much sounds like one sounds like she's on the waltzes give that dildo a safety check she won't quite make sure everyone's got the correct safety equipment on but I do feel like she's like yep I agree to your terms but now fuck me with the dildo like she's really insistent don't know if you heard me before Belinda walked over to the closet and took out the dildo. Thank goodness. Hint taken. She carefully strapped it on, making sure it was tight around her ass. It's carefully like with a high-vis vest. She's got her allen key out. Goggles. The leather straps and chrome buckles, chrome, took the strain and the dildo was ready for action. The strain? She's like bulging out of it. How tight has she got it? She has been eating a lot. She's got those turkey sandwiches. Turkey sandwiches is the least of what she's been eating. The Duchess smiled and opened her legs wide as she lay back on the bed and let Belinda enter her slowly. That's good of her. Very obliging. I mean, that is what needs to happen if she wants that black leather dildo up her vagina. Belinda lowered her head. Her long black hair fell over the Duchess's breasts. she found the still extended nipples. They'd be a good leap, like something to hold on to, wouldn't they? Like some bit of leverage. Talking about safety, yeah. She found the still extended nipples and started to chew them gently. Like a rat. As she increased the friction on the Duchess's clitoris. The friction that she needed to achieve her ejaculation? So dildo, no ejaculation to be found, unfortunately. They're still Titanic bolts Someone tweeted a picture of the rivets from the Titanic Did they? They are huge Were they as big as a mare? Literally, they're not just long They're really thick They're like penis size Phallic She's got two nipples I mean to quote Jamie It was the ship of dreams Doesn't look any bigger than the Mauritanian a low moan came from the bed from the bed who's in the who's under the bed looks like beauty and the beast the bed can talk a low moan came from the bed which increased in intensity as the two females maintained their rhythm females getting a bit nature documentary again yeah back to david attenborough the dildo was strapped on so tightly that belinda felt its Surging movement hit her pubic area each time she penetrated further into the Duchess. Down to the depths of the Duchess. Deep in the abyss, which is the Duchess. Oh my God. You know when they do those major documentaries where they go into the depths of the sea and they're like, nobody ever sees this and then they find all those crazy creatures. You know, in Home Alone when he goes down to the basement and sees that really scary oven. Oh yeah, the coal grate thing. yeah yeah that's the duchess's don't look inside the duchess's vagina you don't want to also can i just stress he's suddenly spelt the word dildo with a capital d i don't know if this now means it's a character oh sure it will be in book two it's really going to come into the fore meanwhile the duchess had found belinda's tits and was massaging her nipples as strongly as belinda was chewing her own they're not hard to find though they're always in the same place it's not you don't have to go hunting. And they're not small. Yeah. The Duchess suddenly climaxed. Oh. Out of nowhere. I'm so sorry, I've just climaxed. I don't know if you noticed, I just climaxed. I don't know where that came from. Her orgasm was even more infectious on Belinda. Ew. Don't like the use of infectious. Get that checked out. Yeah, seriously. And she pushed the dildo harder into her cervix. Oh my god, can you? Oh my god. Cervix again. She's obsessed with this cervix thing. It's like Belinda's like drilling for oil. She's just going deeper and deeper. Eventually, Belinda came out as gently as she could, realigned the dildo and went in again. Is that the equivalent of straightening the thong? Everything must be straight. Yeah. Just calibrating the dildo. Yeah, is it like GPS? You know, when you've got your tom-tom and it's like, oh, it just needs to find the root again. The Duchess steadied herself and let out a long sigh as the dildo hit her ovaries. No. Wow. No, it didn't. It didn't hit her ovaries. Is that further than service? That's further north. You're going like left and right as well. You're like turning corners. It's like Liverpool. It's northwest. It just didn't happen. So let's pretend, let's just stop believing that that happened. Oh my God. Again, not sexy. This manual is meant to turn people on and get them in the mood for sex. How is that doing that? Can I ask a question, which I know none of us will be able to answer, But does Rocky just think all lady bits are inside, but just like jumbled up? Like if you go high enough, you'll hit the heart. If you go high enough, you'll like tap a kidney. You can't access it all. Just from one entrance. Exactly. Suddenly she's just like one big pinball machine. Yeah, he believes that it's all just, you know, within arm's reach. Gonna hit anything. Exactly. If you care enough and you want it enough, you can reach it. If she is a pinball machine, how much are the ovaries worth? They're like a hundred. Yeah. They're hard to hit. Belinda pushed it further and further into her vagina. She leant forward and sucked the Duchess's tits again and started to ride her hard. As instructed. Please don't stop, Miss Belinda. No, please do stop, Miss Belinda. Yeah, seriously. Sorry to veto you, Duchess, but please do stop. Shall I just stop? Miss Belinda, get in your car, go back to work and pretend this never happened. She's wasting a lot of time, isn't she, to get back by nine. Please don't stop, Miss Belinda. this is so good the duchess cried out in ecstasy so is crying yes my lady even I enjoying it for a change no seriously and soon it going to be even better hang on what's gonna happen next what could be better than the black leather dildo god i dread to think oh not that crop again belinda had no idea how she was going to improve but she was up for it for at least another 10 minutes in the moment then as usual she's so specific hello so i'll give her 10 more minutes of this then i've got to go 10 minutes of your ecstasy go the duchess lasted only two minutes when she orgasmed and belinda felt it was time to change tack what she lasted it was a two minute orgasm yeah wow oh no no sorry i think she lasted it was two minutes until she next orgasm so she's orgasm twice now. Quite a good rate though. Two minute rest. Yeah. Two for two. Two for two. By now, she herself was feeling extremely horny and standing up, she unbuckled the dildo and threw it onto the floor. Okay, my lady. It's your turn to please me. That wasn't the deal. Suck me all over. Oh! Like a lollipop. Treat me like a lozenge if you've got a sore throat. Like a chuppa chupp. Or a calippo. Sorry, I'm just thinking of different things you can suck. James, don't go thinking any further I think we found them all, shush Belinda lay down on the bed as the Duchess got onto her knees Needing no further instruction the Duchess started to lick Belinda's breasts Her tongue snaked down to her pubic hair It snaked down from breast to the pubic hair As in like She hasn't moved her hair It's quite the journeyman She's a serpent There's a nomadic tongue Oh, she's got the cat tongue, hasn't she, the Duchess? She's got that rough tongue Furball Her tongue snaked down to her pubic hair and followed the trail to her vagina. The trail? Now it's a nature trail. I was going to say, it can't be that long a trail either. Unless she's got one of those... Does she have a hairy chest that leads down to the pubic area? Like men have. Oh, gross! Has Belinda got a hairy chest? Meanwhile, Belinda grabbed her servants' ample tits and started to rub them hard. Rub them? I never know what rub means in this context. No, and can people get some different techniques? I feel like they just do the same rubber tit, lick the trail. But those tits are like paper thin. So he's really just scrunching them, really. Yes, because it's like a paper napkin. If you were going to throw it. You're like in films when writers are really distressed and they've got a writer's block and they just screw up the paper and throw it. That's kind of what she's doing. Or maybe she's just like drying her hands like one of those towel dispensers. Those ones that rotate. Yes. The Duchess groaned. Belinda groaned as her clit started to be punished by the Duchess's tongue. We all groan. I'm not surprised because the Duchess's tongue is rough as you like. Rough as. Of course it's been punished. Good for exfoliation, though. I bet Belinda's like, oh, lovely. I put some moisturiser on after this. Oh, yeah, yeah. Her skin will be buffed. Yeah. A few minutes later, Belinda orgasmed. Not once, but twice. Her mind went into turmoil. Oh. Did it? Oh, God. She's like, what have I done? what does what's the meaning of life why do i keep making these choices turmoil the deep sensations were too much for her oh she struggled to regain consciousness and all she could murmur was thank you my lady thank you my lady i hate jamie's post orgasm impressions awful but why is she always so tentative after an orgasm like she's always She's quite well brought up though, isn't she, in terms of like politeness. Very polite, yeah. The pleases and thank yous and that. The manners are there. Is it written like that or are you adding that as for artistic effect? I don't like the quiver that you do in the voice. I'm just trying to give it a bit of context because she just said all she could do was murmur it. I'm not going to read as like, thank you, m'lady. Thank you, m'lady. I'd rather you did, to be honest. Thank you, Miss Belinda, was the only reply she received as the Duchess got up and went to the closet. I mean, what other reply would you expect? I'm also, what else is in that closet? it oh god it's like narnia in there just pulling out things mr tumness pops out do you know what i wouldn't be surprised it's time we finished this crazy weekend so let's get back to our real lives before we're missed oh right that was it it's over is that the end of the chapter it's like you talking to us let's get back to our real lives Yeah, exactly. Oh, a bit meta though, isn't it? Oh, no. I agree. But what are you looking for? Replied Belinda. My riding gear. I know I had it with me. Uh-oh. Embarrassed. Oh, my God. Belinda was like, cool. I've got to go. Dum-dum-dum-dum. What is that over there? Maybe you want to wear something else. I think you'd look lovely in that black dildo. Just wear that. Ever's a slimming, that black dildo. Takes you from day to night. Literally for Belinda. I know I had it with me. Did you? Did you definitely have it with you? I don't remember that. I know I had it with me, but don't worry. I've got my white linen suit right here. Oh, phew. She's back to wear a man from Del Monte ways. I'll wear that instead. The midday meeting at the jockey club doesn't require any formal wear. She's just completely nonplussed by the fact that she's lost all her riding gear. It must have been quite an expensive outfit. Yeah, but she's rich. She's a duchess, isn't she? The jockey club doesn't require any formal wear Unless it's a dinner of course She laughed And Belinda joined in Another corker from the Duchess I mean this should be a comedy Oh it is Please tell me we're doing a comedy game Certainly not a drama She laughed and Belinda joined in Totally unaware of the etiquette of horse riding circles Oh what? Well because like us she didn't get the dinner gag Like as in Right. I think that was like a kind of dinner reference for the horse riding set. But also, Dad is totally unaware of the etiquette of the horse riding circles as well. Oh, clearly, yeah. I think we can all tell he's done no research. That's not fair. I'm standing up for Rocky here. He probably went on a horse riding website or something. Has he ridden a horse? I've never seen him on a horse. Has he seen a horse? Well, he grew up on a farm, so. Oh, okay. So he's just applying what he saw with sheep and pigs to horses. Sure. Another little fun fact about Rocky there. Grew up on a farm. love that insight you know I do and it explains so much and yet so little it's why it looks all the mud and you know yeah what do you think yeah and the town hall clerk you know he probably used to check the time by the town hall clerk oh yes it's a simpler time for everyone simpler times pre-Belinda Blink simpler times a much simpler time for my family so why do you make it so complicated by writing this book and just making all our lives way more complicated and yours I feel your pain James then treble it Belinda and the Duchess showered separately That's it Oh no I don want you to see me in the shower My rivets are my own I think they all prudy now I know when they getting clean it like they last each other clean and naked children And didn they already shower together So, I mean, same, same. Yeah, they washed each other. Exactly. Maybe they're just so attracted to each other that they couldn't control themselves if they were together. Yeah, I mean, the Duchess does sound... Hat to track. Self-control is the Duchess's thing. So, Belinda and the Duchess showered separately, then dressed and prepared themselves for the day. While Belinda hooked up the horse box to the 4x4, the Duchess packed the leather dildo safely into its special zinc-coated case. Zinc? It's not kryptonite. Why is it in a special lead-lined case? What does zinc do? I don't know. Does it, like, protect the leather? Zinc-coated case? That is stupid. The Duchess packed the leather dildo safely into its special zinc-coated case, much like a professional photographer's camera. Oh, sure, yeah. you know when you see a securitas van yeah i feel like she's like packed it off with actual security and it's been driven off separately like when celebrities wear like really expensive jewelry on the red carpet that's how she treats the dildo yeah do you think it looks like one of those cases that you have like you know loads of money and when you open there's loads of money and then she surprises people she's like oh jesus i thought that was going to be money i thought that was the like 25 grand no no wrong case that's my dildo it's got lighting in there and everything and she's just like it's the Ark of the Covenant it's just a dildo with the motel room cleared the Duchess locked the door left the keys at reception and started the engine of the big vehicle in fairness she only scuffed one corner on the journey back to the country house where Belinda's Merc was parked what? she clipped it well I think this is a reference to the fact that she's a terrible driver yeah but if you scuff a corner that's like that's a mini crash isn't it? yeah you'll have to get that sorted She'll lose her no claims. Oh, no. Belinda jumped out of the front passenger seat and said farewell to the Duchess. They had swapped email addresses and planned to reunion at a hotel on the Isle of Wight. Spoken up an inappropriate level of correspondence. They've exchanged hotmail. So weird. Find me on MySpace. That's so odd. They've been so intimate. And then they're just like, you'll be able to find me. Like, probably, we've probably got a friend in common. Yeah, not even a phone number. Arms-length email address. Awkward. Maybe Rocky doesn't think cell phones have caught on yet. So they'd swapped email addresses and planned a reunion at a hotel on the Isle of Wight in three weeks' time. I feel like she's planned a lot of trips. Yeah. Hasn't she agreed to be in Belgium in three weeks? Maybe it's going to be a stopover. Oh, God. What, Isle of Wight via Belgium? It was a gala ball and the Duchess had promised to introduce her sexual mistress to some new acquaintances. Oh, these are the connections she was talking about earlier. Oh, the sexual connections. So the Duchess doesn't live where the tombola was held? No, I think they both are out of town as they came to. Okay. For just the tombola, I think. Right. As you would. Belinda took out her car keys and opened the Merc. It started first time. I mean, it's brand new. You'd hope so. Jesus Christ. Also, is Belinda prone to stalling or something? Like, what the hell? I love the stuff she congratulates herself on. And to start the car, yes. It started first time. She waved goodbye to the Duchess, who promptly accelerated off in a cloud of gravel and dust. And crashed into a tree. It's like Mad Max. The Duchess is like totally over it straight away. See ya! Belinda's just waving. She's like, whatever. Belinda lost no time in following her and was in the office for a very respectable... Hang on, hang on. What time do we think she got in by? 9.30. Yeah, I think she's about half an hour. Because that's respectable. Yeah. A very respectable 9.30am. Yay! Guys, you finally found Rocky's rhythm. Well done. Oh, God. You're now in sync. Congratulations. I feel like I'm in his head. Chapter 14. As she sat down at her desk, Belinda could only wonder what the next two weeks would hold for her. If they were anything like the last 24 hours, she would be truly fucked. Oh, my God. I mean, seriously. Is that the sign off? Guys, that is the end of Belinda Blink. The last word of Belinda Blink is fucked. Wow. I love that the last word is fucked. She didn't blink in that chapter, which I'm a bit disappointed about. How's everyone feeling? I don't know. It's like a weight's just been taken off my shoulders. Well, put that weight back on. Why? Because we're going to do book two, right? Are we actually going to do book two? have we decided to do this? I feel like the story's not over. Well, there is no story. We get to get a story. Hopefully book two, there'll be a story. Yeah. Yeah. So that was the prologue. Shall we agree now? We'll do book two. Let's do book two. 2016 is all about book two. Okay. Do you know what it's called? Well, it's called Blinda Blink 2. Brilliant. Lost in New York. Back in the habit. And do you know what? There is actually something at the end of the book that Rocky's written. um the next page just says i know time is precious but belinda and i would love you to write a quick review on belinda blinked one oh come on people have got to write reviews for him there are a few reviews on his amazon page already they're all quite funny guys write some reviews yeah some reviews and also i was actually going to say this in our christmas episode but i'm going to say it now if you guys have enjoyed my dad wrote porno go and buy the book like throw a couple of quid to dad because it is let us rinse him he has let us rinse him i still don't know if he knows that we're rinsing him but he's let us rinse him and all hail rocky for that because we have had the best time yeah this has been the best 14 chapters of any book just go to amazon buy belinda blink one on kindle throw rocky a bone and and he just says if you enjoyed belinda blinked one then belinda blink two will be just up your street more of the same more of the same Can hardly wait. So yeah, so that's it. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. Raft is a word that I won't use. What are we going to do next Monday? No more porno dates. No more porno dates! Apart from Christmas Day. Oh yeah, we've still got that, that's true. And also, just re-listen to them. You know, listen again, re-live. They really stand up to age. I really do feel like they age well. And what's great is that they are completely standalone. Because there's no plot, nothing happens, you can't miss anything. Oh yeah, why don't you do a little remix? in a different order. 10, 2, 8, 4, 1, 11. And finish with the regional sales meeting chapter three. That's for the end of the day. Send you off to sleep. Yeah. So guys, as emotional as this is, from me, Jamie. From me, James. From me, Alice. And of course, from Rocky and Belinda. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you in 2016 for Belinda Blinked 2. Semi-colon. you