stop dating for butterflies

Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of Christ with coffee on ice. I am your host Ali Yost. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys today. Happy Friday everybody and happy new year. I did not acknowledge that last week. We had our episode last Friday, which was the second of January. And when I had recorded that, I honestly don't think I realized that it was the beginning of the year already. So happy new year. I will acknowledge it now. Oh my goodness. We are in the year 2026, which is crazy to me. I am approaching three years now of, I guess, because I don't, it's so funny because I'm like, when is my actual one year with Jesus? Like, do I count it at the beginning of the year because it was at the beginning of 2023, where I made the decision that I wanted to give God a chance, but I wasn't fully sold out on him yet. Like, I wasn't fully in. And then I didn't get baptized until like a year into my journey. So I'm like, do I count it when I'm back? Like, I don't know when to celebrate, but I really do. I don't know. I honestly think a majority of me actually celebrates it in the beginning of the year because that is when I was like, okay, God, I'm giving you a chance. You know what I mean? So anyway, I am approaching or not, I don't know, I could be in the midst of my three year anniversary with Jesus, which is so sweet and fun. But happy New Year, guys. I hope that you are at least getting into the groove of life again. I feel like it's really hard to get on the horse again after the holidays. This time of a year is weird. Like, I actually think January is like the weirdest month of it all. Like, January, February is just kind of like, where are we? What are we doing? What's going on? You know, and obviously we have our resolutions and like our goals for the year, but I don't know. January is like whack in my bed. I don't know where I am in January. It's like, I'm like in it, but I'm also not like I'm exhausted, but I'm thrive. Like, where are we? Anyway, guys, I love you. Hi. Welcome back to another episode. We have our Christ. We have our Bible right here. First off, we have our Christ who's living and dwelling inside of us through his Holy Spirit. Thank you, God. But then we also have our sword here. Okay. We have the Word of God, which protects us. And so thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus for the Word of God. So we have our Christ and we do have our coffee on ice barely. I know that I promised you guys that you would never see a gross watered down coffee from me ever again. Now that we're recording in my home, there really is no excuses considering my refrigerator that's filled with ice is just downstairs. Why isn't already melted and gross and soupy? Yeah, it's kind of soupy. Dang it. I took too much time between making my coffee and recording. It's already melted. But anyway, we do have our coffee on barely any ice. You guys, I am just so grateful. I really want to start this episode with gratitude. If you are new here, welcome. I don't know what I'm doing more than half the time here to be honest. It is beyond me why the Lord has given me a platform. Maybe I shouldn't say it's beyond me, but it's a surprise. It's a surprise because I think in a lot of ways it's just like how? How does he allow me to do what I do? But I am humbled by the Lord every day and just so grateful for what we do here. And I'm grateful for the community that we have. And so welcome if you're new here. If you are a reoccurring listener and you've been listening to the podcast, I am so grateful for you. Thank you for being here. And I want to also say that I'm so proud of you guys for adding and encouraging such a sweet and healthy atmosphere and community here at Christ with coffee on ice. I don't know. I just, it actually blows me away. I get this question. I got it just this past week. I was talking with some friends where they're like, how do you do it online? Like, you have to get so much hate and granted like, yes, there are definitely some hateful comments that come through. But at the same time, there's so much more positivity from you guys. And it actually, it blows me away. Like, truly, I think the ratio of hate versus love and compassion is like 98% love and compassion and 2% hate. Like, I don't know why I don't understand it. But you guys blow me away in your kindness and your hunger for Jesus and your humility and the way that you even show love to each other. Like, I see all of it. And I, I'm just so proud of you guys. I'm proud of your character. I'm proud of the way that you truly want to know Jesus and you want to become more like him. It's just like my biggest desire for you guys is to just experience more of Jesus and to become more like him. And so I'm just proud of you all. Like, I have chills about it. I'm just like, it's really cool. And it's an honoring thing to be able to do is to just walk with you guys in this and then also witness how incredible you are as people. And so anyway, I just wanted to honor you guys and express my gratitude. But I would really love. And hopefully like this is fun. I know we ran a little bit of a poll last week. Obviously, I want these episodes to feel fruitful for you guys and to feel like you're really taking away wisdom, not only from, you know, my errors and my mistakes, but also just from the spirit of God and through scripture too. Like, I want everything that we share on this podcast to be rooted in the truth of the word of God. And so anyway, last week was a lot of fun for me because I got to just share all of my messy mistakes of my 20s and not share it out of a place of self-condemnation or like shame. But being like, yeah, if I had a second chance, I would have done these things different. And so because I do these things differently, my biggest hope is that you guys could take that into your own lives. If you are currently navigating your 20s or you're about to navigate your 20s, to not do it the way I did it. And obviously, you guys also won't do it perfectly, but at least just don't do the things I did. And I believe that that is a way that God, one of the many ways that God will redeem my 20s is one of those things that comes out of that is that it could help thousands of you guys to not make them the same mistakes that I did. And so because it was so much fun, I really want to do a part two of that this week. And we did run a poll and a lot of you guys were like, yes, we would love a part two. So hopefully you were honest in your feedback. And you didn't just do it to make me feel good. But yeah, it was a lot of fun. And it seems that you guys enjoyed it. So I would like to continue that topic of things I wish people told me before I entered my 20s or things that I just wish I had done differently in my 20s now that I'm officially out of them. I'm 30 years old now. I've been 30 for however many months. It hasn't been that long. But there are a few more things that I'd like to share with you guys if things I wish I had done differently about my 20s. And the thing is, when I reflect on my 20s, I think the thing that caused me the most pain and regret is the way that I navigated relationships. And last week I shared with you guys, that was like a huge burden of my life. And that was like a huge weight that I was carrying. That was something that was so highlighted in my mind. I put so much emphasis on it was relationships. And I know there's probably a lot of us that can relate to that. I just think that when it is such a desire of your heart, there is a pressure that we can put on ourselves. And something that I had admitted last week is that because of how much pressure I was putting on myself and how much desperation I had in needing that part of my life filled and putting it all on me to make it happen in that I allowed myself to settle because I was like, I got to get this part of my life filled. What do you mean? Like I need to have a partner. I need to live happily ever after. Like I need to have my forever, you know? And in ways, I probably idolized that part of my life. And something I had shared last week too is like I think the, I know I know that the ways that I navigated relationships then was because I, there was such a void of God in my heart. Like there was such a void of like wanting God to be a part of it or believing in him. Like I just didn't have enough faith in God. And I only knew how to have faith in myself for the most part, you know? And so when I look back on my 20s and I look back on the things that I regret, I think the things that I regret most and the things that caused me the most pain were the ways that I navigated relationships which was so poorly. Like I did not navigate relationships with true wisdom which could only come from God. I was, I was navigating and discerning on my own understanding, my own wisdom and also what the world was telling me. And I just made a lot of, a lot of mistakes. And I think I, I caused myself a lot more pain by allowing things and accepting things because of that. And I don't mean to like harp on these things. Like hopefully we haven't talked too much about this kind of stuff on the podcast. But I also just know that this is like a burning, like this is just something that it is what it is. Like in your, in your late teenage years and into your 20s, it's like it's all about, there's so much emphasis on your future husband or your future wife. And I just want to bring ease and peace to that area in your life. If that is something that feels really big and loud and emphasized in your life right now. And how to make it easier on yourself when it comes to dating in your 20s. And I'm just going to share all the things I did wrong. And basically when I'm asking you guys is just do the opposite. Like I, I'll tell you what the opposite is, but just do that and trust me, please. Another thing that I wish I took more seriously in my 20s is trusting the words of people who already lived through the things that I was actively about to walk into or was walking in. Like what I wish I took more seriously. The things that people who were older than me, even my parents, like people who warned me about things like I truly wish that I didn't take them so much with a grain of salt and wasn't just so like, ah, well, you know, like I'll figure it out. Like I think in a lot of ways, we can be so prideful regardless of like what other people say and be like, yeah, but I'm going to navigate it better. But like I know what I'm doing. You don't. That's just the truth. Like you don't, you don't. So humble yourself and say, okay, I'm going to listen to the people who have walked through things that I have yet to walk through. And I'm just going to trust that what they're saying is true because they've walked through it. So the first question I would like to answer regarding my 20s and relationships and what I could have done better and differently. How do I know now? Because I don't think I knew this at the time. The difference between chemistry and compatibility. Because those things are actually very different. And I think that while I was dating in my 20s, I cared more about chemistry and attraction than I did about compatibility. And I don't think I even really knew this is the thing. It's like I just lacked so much wisdom at the time. And I didn't know what it was like to actually truly be compatible with somebody. Like I only knew what it was like to have chemistry with somebody to be physically attracted to them. Yeah, that's it. So those were the things that I thought in my mind meant that that person was good for me. And that couldn't be further from the truth. The best way that I could describe compatibility versus chemistry. Chemistry is more of like a spark. You know, it's kind of just feelings, which the Bible so blatantly tells us to not trust our feelings, to not rely on our feelings, to not lean on our own understanding because feelings are fleeting. They're not stable. It's not a sturdy foundation. And so if your relationship with somebody is founded on a spark is founded on chemistry is founded on feelings. That is not a relationship sturdy enough to last. It's just not like that is not a foundation. You want to build any relationship on. And so that is chemistry. A spark is definitely important, but it shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. Does that make sense? And so compatibility, if I would compare that to chemistry, is longevity. Instead of a spark, it is stability. So I think because I lacked such wisdom on finding my foundations on something that is stable, something that has substance, depth, weight, gravity to it. There's tension. There's energy. Like it's all feelings focused. And that is just like a poor judge of how to be with somebody. And I think the truth is, is you can actually probably have chemistry with a lot of people. Like there can be good vibes between you and a lot of people. But I don't think that it's often that you will find somebody though that you are compatible with. And I do believe that those two things are important together. And I'm definitely not saying that chemistry is a bad thing. I think chemistry is actually very necessary when you are finding your future partner. Like you actually have to have chemistry with that person. You have to have those feelings and that attraction. And you know, you find yourself thinking about them all the time and you get butterflies and you get excited to see them. And there is that excitement and electricity. Like all of those things are so important, especially when you're in love with somebody. But I do think that it's the order of how those things come. And so I think something that has to come before chemistry, not in absence of chemistry, is compatibility. It's stability. So now what I know about compatibility that took almost my entire 20s to understand is that compatibility looks like shared values, shared faith, emotional stability, emotional availability. There's healthy communication. You guys have similar life goals and priorities like your character is aligned. How can we determine someone's character? Biblically, right? Because we're doing this not off of our own understanding. We're not going to discern somebody's character off of what the world says or what we think or feel. We're going to determine somebody's character off of how God tells us to do that. And so how can we determine these things? Biblically. How does God tell us to do that? A classic example, one Bible verse is Proverbs 31 30, which says, Charm is deceptive and beauty does not last, but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. What that scripture is saying is that attraction fades like physical attraction. Okay. Somebody can be charming. They can be beautiful. They can be handsome. They can be smooth with their words. But what really matters and what never fades is somebody who has a reverence for the Lord, somebody who loves God, somebody who prioritizes Jesus above all else. We talked about this a little bit in our episode about modesty a few weeks ago, but a quality that will make somebody attractive in the eyes of somebody who is godly, which is what we if we're here right now listening to this podcast, that's the goal, right? Somebody who is godly and is looking for another godly partner to spend the rest of their life with will be attracted to somebody who fears the Lord that that above all else above Charm, above beauty, above style, the way that they carry themselves, the way that they speak like whatever it could be above all else, it is somebody who fears the Lord and somebody who fears the Lord is going to carry the fruits of the Spirit. Matthew 716 says you can identify them by their fruit. That is, by the way, they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can't produce bad fruit and a bad tree can't produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions. Something to watch for in a person, because we love words, the lower words are lovely and they do hold some gravity, they are important. It says in scripture that the Lord says that we do have the power of life and death on our tongues, meaning there is power in the words that we say, but what is more powerful is how we live our lives, is the fruit of our characters, the fruit of our lives. It's the way that we walk, it's the way that we talk, it's actions too. Watch their patience, honesty, humility, self-control and kindness. So when it comes to determining whether somebody is actually good for you or you are good with a person, is by watching their patience, their honesty, their humility, self-control and kindness, not just their words. Luke 6.45 also speaks to this. It says, a good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart, what you say flows from what is in your heart. So this also emphasizes words, actions we've spoken about, but now also words to listen carefully to the things that people say, because eventually, you will start to notice that the words that come out of a person's mouth is what actually is flowing from their heart. It is a reflection of what is stored in their hearts. So also listen carefully to the words that people say. We're not saying, you know, bypass all words and only look at actions like I said, words are important. So listen carefully to sarcasm, manipulation, obsession with status, bitterness, gossip, like slander, those reveal roots, those reveal what actually is in somebody's heart. And of course, I do believe that in the beginning, people can always put their best foot forward and you might not see those things right off the bat, but I believe within a few months, you that nobody can really keep an act up forever. So do pay attention to the things that people say and the way that they treat people around them, the way that they talk about people behind their backs. Is it praise or is it judgment? Now when we talk about the fruit of someone's character, it honestly should reflect the character of God. And so what is that? What is the character of God? The character of God is love. And the definition of love is actually literally in the Bible. A lot of us are probably familiar with it already, but it is 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7, which reads, love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable. And it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. And so if the person carries the character of God, which is love, definition of love that comes from God is this 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7, then it looks like that could be a good person for you, especially if that's that's also the this is core values. This is core values. This is belief. This is honestly should be the foundation of how this person walks through life. And I think a big mistake that I made was this this wasn't a priority to me. I just wanted to know that it felt good with that person. I think another thing that I just I was thinking too small. I was thinking way too small when it came to relationships in my 20s. I I really like when you think about it, I mean the standard I had that part of my life was so minuscule. My standard was like as long as as it feels good. And we have fun and this person makes me laugh and we're attracted to each other and the chemistry. Then that's that sounds good to me. That's like bear bear bear bear bear bear bear under the earth under the ground 10 feet bajillion feet under the earth. About like bear minimum. I don't even know if I want to call that bear minimum. It was bad. It was low. It was like there's just no how could that be the standard alley. I wasn't seeing the big picture enough. And I think that having a lens of compatibility and prioritizing stability has now broadened my horizons of how much bigger the picture actually is when it comes to choosing my future partner. It's not just about me. Like I think again I was so focused on myself so focused on getting that part of my life fulfilled. That I wasn't also thinking about the gravity of what that means. That also means that this is the partner to my future children. Like I don't even think I really thought that far. Like is this the kind of person that I would want to father my children that comes down to character that comes down to values that comes down to is this person strong enough to help me lead literal lives into the world. You know, like babies kids teaching them giving them wisdom like I didn't think that far. Maybe I thought I was but I now that I'm looking back I wasn't like the only priority to me was that I just didn't want to be alone and I wanted to finally have a partner and I disregarded how much bigger the picture really was like this was actually also the fate of my bloodline. Like not to make it to but it is like like choosing a partner is so much bigger than just being in love and living happily ever after. This is the future of your family tree. This is the lineage of your this is the bloodline of your family that comes after this. This is the life of your children. Like the father figure the head of the house the person that should be leading your family. That's a big deal. You know, if it's we're coming from a perspective of a woman, you know, one last thing I want to say to just help clarify the contrast of chemistry versus compatibility is chemistry is feeling compatibility is function chemistry is attraction compatibility is alignment chemistry is immediate but compatibility is built over time chemistry is emotional spark but compatibility is shared values and maturity chemistry is temporary or unstable compatibility is sustainable and steady which is why it's the thing that needs to be founded on. Chemistry is exciting but compatibility is trustworthy chemistry can exist with the wrong person but compatibility only exists with the right person. So I think that where I really messed up and allowed so much hurt in my 20s is I would just go by things like I'd feel so strongly about them but I feel I feel so strongly about them. Meanwhile, there was no consistency my values did not align with these people the relationship drained me there was anxiety and confusion instead of peace God was not honored in my relationships they definitely were not centered in the Lord and strong feelings can blind you to weak foundations like if if you are letting your feelings take over and be the very thing that you are looking through it will lead you to a place of putting that relationship on a weak foundation which is just feelings so moving forward if you are looking to date or you are dating these are some questions that I would encourage you to ask yourself regarding chemistry and compatibility because again they're both important but to start with chemistry is do I feel drawn to them yes or no do I enjoy being with them yes or no do we laugh and connect yes or no and if you said yes to all those things that's amazing that's a really really good start okay but compatibility do they love Jesus and pursue him honestly be honest do they actually love Jesus and pursue him and again this is going to go back to the scripture where it's like no it's the fruit of their life it's not just the things they say so does that reflect in their life do our values and lifestyles align and be honest be honest with yourself when you observe this person and their lifestyle and the values that they have does it actually align with yours do you feel safe being yourself around them do they treat people well do they treat their family well do they treat strangers well do they love their friends are they supportive and kind and loving are they patient with the people around them are they sacrificial are they generous do they show emotional maturity and a little side tangent on what that means because I don't even I didn't even I didn't even know what that meant in a man until honestly I started dating the man that I'm dating now what does emotional maturity look like let's just like a look a side little tangent because that could actually be like a really big question is like yeah but like how do I know that they're actually emotionally mature because I don't really know what that means I think number one is that this person actually takes responsibility rather than shifting blame that's bearment but like actually takes responsibility and I think the only way that somebody can fully take responsibility for their actions and for their mistakes this goes for all of us this is the standard that we are all held at I am to you are to but since we're talking about dating and you know looking for a partner taking responsibility is repentance it is owning up to it and saying yeah no that yep I take responsibility for that I take ownership for that that wasn't okay shouldn't done that oopsy boo boo don't want to do that again and then there's change repentance is not just in an apology or admitting with words that they've done something wrong it's that there is also a shift and a change there's a change in their action moving forward Jesus thank you god I have witnessed this so much in my in my relationship now never seen it in another man before that's also how you know that this person is rooted in Christ because like repentance exists in their life it is a part of their lifestyle where it's like I don't just say oopsy I say oopsy and I go mmm that wasn't right and then there's change so are you actually seeing change is there real repentance in their life okay and they don't just shift the blame on other things on you on other people circumstances what like whatever that there's just like always an excuse certain well it's because of this well it's because of that well it's because I didn't get enough sleep last night and so I you know and they're not taking full responsibility for it or like I only acted this way because of you or I only acted this way because of that thing those I don't know those things could be partially true but like humility's gotta be in the room there's gotta be accountability they own their choices and it's not just when it's convenient another really good sign that somebody is emotionally mature is that they regulate their emotions instead of dumping them on others this is something the Lord's grown me in actually this is something the Lord has grown me and I believe it or not I know crazy um I was not good at always regulating my emotions I'm still like I still have moments where I'm like ooh that is not healthy Ellie but I have I have gotten so good at this I I can't explain it other than Holy Spirit like it's it is just God um instead of dumping them on to others that's really good sign it's a really good sign that somebody is emotionally mature they don't explode they don't punish with silence they don't guilt trip or manipulate they calm themselves rather than making chaos it is safety over drama this person also communicates honestly and respectfully they know their triggers they are aware of the things that trigger them and are working on them like they recognize that and when triggers come they shift they don't expect you to carry their emotional baggage and an example of that could be just uh communicating and and even saying in the moment hey so this topic or this thing is hard for me and this is why or this is something I've practiced is I've realized that I'm being triggered in a moment and I don't actually know why but even just the awareness in that moment is enough where I'm like hey I'm actually being really triggered right now and I don't know why but I'm feeling really emotional like I'm like something is being triggered out of me like I'm feeling something's happening I'm definitely being triggered don't really know why even that alone is healthy that is somebody who is on their way or actively in emotional maturity I don't know I don't not hear like hype myself up this is like literally glory to God it's the only reason I'm even capable of these things is because of the Holy Spirit but yeah I think even that is fine I've been like hey um I'm being triggered this is weird don't like it feeling funny don't know why but even just letting the person into that moment I think is a really good sign the self awareness is a green flag and so if you are with somebody who has enough self awareness of knowing that they're being triggered in that moment even if maybe they don't have an answer to why or if they do whatever green that's good that's somebody who is emotionally mature somebody who can say I am getting really overwhelmed right now can we pause and revisit because they're sensing that they're being triggered and if they were to continue to go down that path with you they are going to react in a way that they don't want to explosive manipulation punishment like all those things that we were just saying before they even get to that place they go I'm overwhelmed I don't like the way I'm feeling I don't like the way that this is leading me actually can we just take a second revisit this I just need a second emotional maturity yes yes anyway going back to our list okay of questions that you're going to ask yourself we're still on compatibility do our futures point in the same direction and so if Jesus and the vision that he has given you and your life and the gifts that he's given you the way that you see your life going with the Lord does that also align with this person does it look like it's in the same direction and that doesn't mean that it has to be exactly the same but I think that's something that would be really good to look at is that does your vision at least compliment each other where it can go like this if you're listening right now and you're not watching I'm putting my fingers together in there perfectly aligning and you know like a puzzle piece whoop like do they compliment each other do they flow well together last question would be do I have peace or do I have anxiety do I have peace or do I have confusion now I don't always think how can I word this wisely because this is just something that I've also learned in relationships now versus BC alley in her 20s where she didn't know what that she was doing I still don't but now I have my shepherd you know I'm talking about I'm still a sheep okay I was a sheep then and I'm a sheep now it's just now I actually acknowledge my shepherd then I wasn't I was just a lally galleying all off on my own hopeless clueless little sheep okay there are times in relationships now healthy ones healthy relationships driving love these relationships where I've had moments of confusion and I think that sometimes in those moments I've been like oh I'm confused see this isn't it oh I knew it this isn't from the Lord it's not working we actually don't have compatibility ah this isn't okay God like freak out alley you're freaking out so like times where I've been confused sometimes I've realized that it's actually myself I've inflicted confusion on myself by making it too complicated or over analyzing things too much and I think I will then put myself into a place of confusion rather than the situation actually being confusing like I think there is a difference between going through a moment of confusion and the entirety of the relationship feeling confusing like from start to finish where you're just like I am confused all the time actually it's actually rare that I have clarity versus confusion I would get freaked out the minute confusion would come thinking that I was supposed to have clarity the entire way through and only if that was the case then it meant that it was from God and I've learned that that's not the case it's okay it's okay if you kind of go through a little moment of being like ah I'm confused God wait what's what's happening I thought this was supposed to happen and now this is happening and then I go down this rabbit hole and I honestly confuse myself by like over complicating it so I think it's okay to have little bumps in the road of feeling confused and being like oh God what's going on what are you doing um that was weird didn't expect that what's happening but like that's okay I've learned that that's actually quite normal so it's not in those moments that means I all all of a sudden it's not God but I'm saying that if a majority of this relationship confuses you like you are only feeling a majority of confusion that's not from the Lord I think I can confidently say that that is not from the Lord if you are mostly confused well a majority of this episode was really just off of that one question if you guys don't remember this is how we started the episode off of just one question which is how did you know the difference between chemistry and compatibility and that was the entirety of this episode so I don't know I kind of thought I was going to go through more questions but I actually really like what we've concluded in this episode guys that is it for today's episode I think that's where we're going to put things to a halt let me know if this was a helpful episode for you this is something that you've been wanting clarity in if this is an area of your life that you've wanted um based some big sister advice I really hope that it helped you and again I just pray that you guys learn from the mistakes that I made and spare yourselves from a lot more heartache and heartbreak than I allowed in my life and in my 20s and so I love you guys and just as I started this episode I'm so proud of you I'm so proud of the people that you are and the ways that you are pursuing Jesus and I know that he is so proud of you and he just adores and loves you so much guys happy friday have a beautiful rest of your weekend and the rest of your week until we see each other next time but guys hey before we go before we do anything else I almost forgot my outro there for a second can we show somebody how cool Jesus is can we do something cool today and show somebody how cool Jesus is I think that's what I say can we walk more like him talk more like him be more like Jesus today let's be the example let's be his hands and feet I love y'all and I will see you next time bye