Defiant 3-Year-Old (The Mistake Parents Make)

You got to mean what you say and say what you mean. He simply won't listen. We tell him to do something over and over, and he still does the opposite every single time. It's important to know what you're doing wrong. It's like everything in life though, right? If you don't know what you're doing wrong, you're not gonna know what to do right. Do you find that some children are just naturally more defiant? Of course they are. They're more fiery. They just come out of the womb that way. And from your perspective, what are some mistakes that you think parents make around this age? Welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. And I'm Amy Bunnage. Lisa's daughter and I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what are we talking about today? Today is all about defiance from three-year-old specifically. Three-year-old defiance. Yeah, we're going into this because we do get quite a few questions around that three-year-old age because especially you approach toddler parenting and then like three to 12 parenting quite differently. That's why you have your boot camp split up that way. Do you want to go into what you discuss as that fork in the road? Well, the fork in the road is when they hit three and they stop and think. They think, do my parents know what they're doing or not? If they, if you're a leader, they get easier. If you're not, they get worse because they're going to try and take over. So that's just how I frame it. And it's sort of true. It's when they have the ability to stop and think before they act. They stop and think about a lot of things that they've learned the last three years. And then how does the parenting shift specifically? The parenting shifts, all of a sudden, you're not just in the moment with the consistent corrective actions, which is what you do with toddlers. Now you're using a behavior board because they can, they can see it and they can think ahead before they act or they can learn to do that. Okay. Doesn't mean they're going to right away, but now you're going to teach them, wait a minute, everything you do has a consequence, good or bad. Okay. So it's just about teaching them to be responsible for their own actions. And you're not expecting a 16-month-old to be responsible for their own actions? Of course I am. Of course I'm not, of course. No, no, no, no. Okay. So yeah, three is when they start to become more little people. They're not just running around all feet, no brains. Cute is a button when they're toddlers, but yeah, there's not a lot of thought process that goes into it compared to as they get a little bit older and three years old. And, but yeah, you can just see them putting stuff together. They just start to really stop and think about how things are happening around them. And from your perspective, what are some mistakes that you think parents make around this age? They give too many choices, I think. You know, what do you wanna wear today? And then they fight me, they make a choice, and then they say, no, I want that. It's because you're giving them too many choices. Choices are good, but you wanna give them, like if it's not going well, you can give them as many choices as you want, if it's working well, but if it isn't, you wanna just say, okay, here's what we're wearing today. So I think it's more of this giving them too many choices over things. They don't always wanna have choices. They like for you to be in charge sometimes, because they're not old enough to make all the decisions in their life yet. That'll happen quite a few years from now. It's a rude awakening when you move out on your own, you have to make all the decisions. I'm like, I don't like this as much. That's right, that's right. So yeah, they don't actually want that. They don't wanna be leaders yet, but they wanna be in control of play and a lot of stuff, but they don't need to be in charge of everything. Like what sort of things would you start to give them more control over? Well, what we play, what sports they might wanna join. You say, do you wanna join soccer, or do you wanna go to an art class or something? So I ask them what things they might wanna try. I might do that. I might ask them, we're gonna be planning the next week's meals. What meals do you want mom or dad to plan around? But then on the day, I wouldn't say what do you wanna eat tonight. So I might help them plan stuff ahead of time, and if they're being really polite and reasonable about it, then let them keep doing that. That's great, but as soon as they start to argue and change, no, I want this, I want that. No, see, we've already planned something out, and then they argue it. Then I would pull back on that decision-making. Meals start looking like those meals from that movie, Elf, where it's like spaghetti with M&Ms. That was such a good movie. That was good. Now, I've seen some parents approach this, where for example, with those sorts of things, where you're like, well, there's some, you can't have brownies for dinner, but would you maybe give them choices? Be like, which of these options would you like? Not day to day, no, not at all. But what I mean is, I meant, let them plan out the meal around things that we like. So we know we're gonna have spaghetti one night, so do you wanna have that Tuesday night or something? They might wanna get in on planning when they're gonna eat things, but not in the day. Like once you've set out the weekly meal plan, they don't need to change that every single day. So it's the daily stuff. Like you might say, hey, what do you wanna wear next week? Or what do you wanna wear tomorrow? But then once they've decided tonight what they're gonna wear tomorrow, they can't change it. That's the problem, it's those last minute changes. That's where a lot of parents get into trouble. Because oh no, then they changed their mind. They said they wanted that. So I gave them that, and then they changed their mind again. Of course, because you overwhelmed them with choices. Or even could it be if you're out shopping and they're choosing the lunchbox? Could it be like, what color would you like? Would that be kind of a choice you would give them? No, that's okay. You can say what color would you like. And if they pick one, say okay, that's it, and then take it home. That's it. They can have a tantrum because they changed their mind. They're going home with the one that they picked. And I might even say, look, I'm gonna give you one whole minute. They're three years old now. You can set a little timer on your watch. I'm gonna give you a whole minute. And then once you decide which one you're taking home, that's the one we're taking home. And then follow through. Even if they're having a tantrum, follow through. What if they have buyer's remorse? I'm thinking, I'm like, sometimes it takes me more than a minute to choose. I know, well, I'll give you two minutes then. Yeah, no, you've just gotta sort of take charge sometimes. But you're still giving them choices. You're saying you got a whole minute to pick which color you want. And then once you decide, then that's it. My kids learned that from a really young age. I would give them choices, but then I'd say once you've chosen it, that's it. And then they never seem to argue because they knew mom meant it when she said that. That's the difference. Parents say one thing and then do another. I'd say that's probably one of the biggest mistakes parents make is they say one thing. You choose that and that's it. And the kid will have a tantrum and then you'll say, okay, fine, pick the green one. That's where you get into real trouble. You gotta mean what you say and say what you mean. And what that means is you be careful what you say. If you're not willing to follow it up, don't say it. You've discussed that it's almost essentially lying to your children. It is because you said, that's it. This is the one we're getting. And then they know you're lying because they can manipulate you into getting another one. It's a lie. Anytime you say something and then you don't follow through with it, it's literally, they don't understand the difference between you just messing up and giving in and lying. They're the same thing virtually. You gotta mean what you say and say what you mean or else they'll lose respect for you. Now, before we get into the parenting questions, do you find that some children are just naturally more defiant? Of course they are. They're more fiery. They just come out of the womb that way. Some are really laid back. They don't really care what goes on. They're okay with anything, right? It's just different temperaments. And some kids are born to have tantrums and others aren't. So it's just a different temperament. Do you wanna talk about the perks of children who are more defiant? Well, not necessarily more defiant, but a little bit more feisty. They're the more active kids, the ones who maybe just forget what they're supposed to be doing and run around. They're often the real leaders of tomorrow because they really have a lot of energy for all that sort of thing. And also they're often, if they're really, really like racing around and they're super active and can't listen to you when they're really little, they're often the athletes of tomorrow. They've got all this energy and it can usually be transferred into something healthier as they get older. So a lot of what's really annoying about toddlers makes them can become their best qualities later on. So long as it's sort of harness so that they're not rude and disrespectful and hitting people, that kind of thing. I just wanted to touch on that because I think that sometimes these like specific words can be used to describe children in like not the most positive light. Yeah, like defiance and all that. They might really know what they like. They might be the kid that tomorrow they're gonna be the entrepreneurs because they know what they like and they don't give up and they fight for it. So, but right now it's annoying as anything. But yeah, when they grow up they're gonna be those real goers, right? So it can turn into something really good down the road. But I know a lot of stuff with toddlers is really annoying because you can't reason with them. They don't make a lot of sense either. They might even stick their hands down their pants and some your poop on the wall. Try and figure that one out. Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Sure. And just a friendly reminder because we've had some questions. If you're looking to submit your questions if you go to the show notes, we do have the link if you wanna submit for a chance to be in a podcast. So the first one is Abigail from the United States. I have a three year old boy who loves nothing more than to be outside. Now the weather is getting nicer. I've been letting him play outside and now fence backyard with the family dog while I make dinner and care for his eight month old brother. I periodically go outside to check on him and watch through the window. But sometimes he does something destructive. So damages a rose bush, throws toys on the roof, starts stinging a hole in the yard. When this happens, I immediately tell him to stop and bring him inside, which makes him really upset. We also take away screens for the rest of the evening but the destructive impulses continue. What kind of corrective actions would you suggest in this scenario? Okay, that's the behavior board. You're just going straight to the second consequence. I always start out with the first one. The first one is, it's a, I forget what it is. So it's a positive action. So I say these things so often. Sometimes I say it without being able to think about it even. Anyway, there's always two consequences for the kids. So if he does something destructive, you say, okay, so I'm going to get you to do this. So you get them to do the positive action and it's on the behavior board. So he already knows what it is. And you say, okay, I'm going to get you to do this as the positive action and give him a certain amount of time. The behavior board is completely free on the website, bratbusters.com. Anyway, and then if he won't do that positive action, then you resort to the negative deprivation. Because once you've gone there, you got nothing else you can do. Cause you said you take away TV, then it all hell breaks loose. Well, of course you got no other leverage. If you give him the first consequence and he gets it done, then he doesn't lose TV. You see? So you always want to have two consequences for the kids. A positive one, then a negative one. If they won't do the positive one, then you resort to the negative one. Okay. Next one is Sarah. I'm a stay at home mom of two boys, one who's eight and mildly autistic and a three year old who thinks he runs the house. The three year old who's almost four is the issue. He's defiant in every sense of the word, doesn't listen to my husband or I, tells us no one he doesn't want to do something, or he'll say in a bit, mummy, or no, you do it, mummy. He also tears up the house that we rent. He picks up the walls, unlocks and opens windows. We fix that with child locks, but still bangs on them, moves the couches around, smears stuff on the TV, steals and hides whatever he stole. Lies, teases, breaks toys and furniture, messes with his older brother and the cat, the list goes on. He simply won't listen. We tell him to do something over and over and stop doing something over and over and he still does the opposite every single time. We've tried rewarding him for good behavior. We have tried timeouts. We've tried taking things away and nothing works for this kid. His behavior has been a real breaking point for my husband and I. We just don't know what we're doing wrong. Well, there's three things that you said you do. You said you repeat yourself, I never do. The second one is your reward for good behavior, horrible. A reward chart for good behavior says, you're normally rotten, but if you should happen to do something good, you'll get a reward. It sends the wrong message, it's a disaster. Like I never reward for just normal behavior, which I consider is just being nice. Okay, and the last one is timeout that you do. I can't stand timeout, I hate it. It's like you go over there because we don't know what to do with you. It's a very weak way of parenting and they're not really learning anything. There's no lesson in timeout, I just can't stand it. So anyway, I would set up a toy rotation system. So he's got more, it just tends to help them focus. If you've got all the toys out at any given time, they're not even gonna see one of them. Okay, they tend to focus better when they've only got a few toys out at any given time. I've got lots of videos. If you just Google Bratbusters anything really, but Bratbusters toy rotation, there'll be lots of videos on that. We'll explain how to do it. Also start with the free behavior board. It'll teach you how to discipline effectively. So it starts at the age of three, everyone's on there. And you said you've got an eight year old with autism. I'm assuming, if they're okay to be on the board, put them on too. The whole family should be three years and over. And then just start there. It teaches you how to set up a system where you know how to discipline effectively and the kids know what's expected of them. Start small, sounds like he's a little bit of a terror right now, but you can fix this, okay? He's still really, really little. So it's very fixable. But you're not a medical professional and you do often say that when it comes to autism. Yeah, any kid on the spectrum, that's usually just coaching, but generally I'm teaching parent-child relationships here. So it doesn't matter what challenges the kids have, we're still teaching parent-child relationships. But yeah, it depends on where on the spectrum that the child is with autism, whether or not they can be on the board, but that's up to the parent to decide whether or not that's appropriate with their child. I think that that is something just to note on is, you talk about the parent-child relationship and I think some people are shocked when you focus so much on the actual parent themselves. I think that some parents think that you're going to approach it with the child's behavior. Never, because I teach leadership and leadership is you lead and they will follow, right? That's the whole idea. I've worked with hundreds of kids and teenagers and I'm still the same personality with all those kids. I don't change any of my methods. I might tweak a few things, a few little details and et cetera, but generally I'm the same with all those kids. So it's all about me, you lead, they will follow. I want to present them with someone that they can look up to because I know how to make them feel good about themselves. And that's the key to all this. When they like themselves, when they feel good, they do good. When they feel bad, they do bad. So my goal is always to make them feel good about themselves when they're with me. Therefore they tend to treat me like gold and think better of themselves. And I also just want to note, because you were going through each thing of like, I don't like that, I don't like that, I don't like that, but I think it can be so confusing navigating parenting because there is so much information online, so much conflicts itself and conflicts, contradicts, I don't know. Contradicts. It can be really overwhelming to navigate. It can be, and that's why I say, if you're going to look for parenting advice, just follow one person for three weeks, could be me, could be someone else, because we're all going to be so different. And it doesn't mean that like timeout might work with someone else's method, but it's a disaster with mine. If you were to throw timeout in, because I consider it very disrespectful to mean, so if you were to throw that into my methods and the way I look at parenting, then it would just tank. So you've just got to follow one parenting advice, parenting person for three weeks, follow what they say, if it doesn't work, say, oh, well, they're an idiot, and move on to the next, okay? You cannot pick and choose what you like from different parenting methods. It just doesn't work that way. It's like dieting. You can't pick and choose what you like from 10 different diets and expect to lose weight. You can't expect to be a leader or really enjoy your kids if you're going to be picking and choosing from different parenting coaches or whatever. I do want to note though, timeout between my mother and I, it works beautifully. So she gets really button happy on a computer, which means she loves to push buttons even when she doesn't know what they do, which can be dangerous sometimes. So I have to put her in timeout and it works like a charm. Yeah, she says, get a get over it. So she says, what do you say to me? I say, get out of here. Get out of here. So I go sit in the corner and poop. But yeah, it works without it with the parent, but not with the child. But yeah, she's 31 and I'm 65, so it's a little bit different. A little different dynamic. A little bit different. Basically just get out of here, mom. You're getting on my nerves. So, but anyway, yeah. And I did say all the things that you're doing wrong that I didn't like, because I got to point those things out, right? It was funny. Sometimes they'll be working with a client and coaching and then they'll say, do I do anything right? And I say, when I'm finished with you, you will. I'm here to point out what you're doing well and what you're not doing well. That's my job. I got to pick apart what I don't like, what you're doing that I don't like. And then I'm going to replace it with something. I already replaced it with something. I gave them toy rotation and the behavior board. Yeah. I gave them two things to do. No, totally. And I just want to make the point though. It can feel like maybe a little like, oh geez, okay. Like a little defeating. Yeah, but it's important to know what you're doing wrong. It's like everything in life though, right? If you don't know what you're doing wrong, you're not going to know what to do right. Like you can't replace something. Like you got to replace what you're doing wrong with something that you do right. You got to know what you're doing wrong first though. I know. It's like pickleball. I'm like, oh, I'm going to do some lessons. And boy, was I doing everything wrong. Turns out we were doing everything wrong. Yeah. Actually, my methods, probably my style was a little bit, probably in some, you're a better player, but a little bit better than you. Do you know why? How come? Because you're a tennis player and I'm not. A lot of tennis players bring tennis sort of stances and all that to pickleball. And you're not supposed to do that. I'm lousy at tennis. So I turned up to pickleballs if I've never, you had never had a racket in my hand, which is probably true. If you've never parented before and you just fill in with all the right stuff, then you're never going to sort of trip up or hardly ever. But if you've already been doing it wrong, it's kind of frustrating. You kind of kind of erase that and unlearn a lot of stuff. So that's usually what parents are doing by the time they come to me. They're trying to unlearn a whole bunch of stuff. So I like to get that identified right away. Stop doing that. Stop doing that. And let's focus on this. They're going to make tons of mistakes. That's part of the process. That's how you learn. Just going to take some U-turns and go along. I always say, you're going to mess up. Everybody does. We'll just laugh at it and move on. Like no big deal. We're all human. We're all make mistakes. Okay. The next one is Nicole from the United States. My first will be three and a couple of months in July. What do you recommend we have in place by then? I know you say this is the fork in the road and I would love if we're on a smoother path. What key things would you have? Try my best with calm leadership. I can feel a bit of a shift happening with him. He seems to be moody lately, lots of ups and downs throughout the day and more demanding with requests. Right now I ignore any tantrum and model how I would like him to ask for things instead of demanding. My other question is, I'm a stay at home mom and have a six month old. My almost three year old does well during the day with me. He still has his moments, but as soon as my husband gets home, he seems more challenging. Same goes for weekends. Any indication as to why and what we should change? Well, oftentimes it's because the other parent might be the pleaser and giving in more or they haven't got your attention anymore because now you're talking to each other. When you're training a kid who's acting out, you want to give all the attention to what they're doing rather than being distracted by someone coming home. I'm just going to read out my top five parenting methods for toddlers just to make it general here too. And number one is child proof your home, so you never have to say no, you probably passed that. Number two is set up a toy rotation system so they're never bored. You might want to look into that. The other one is you want to connect with a toddler in their world, not yours. In other words, you don't take them to the nail salon or the cafe with you. You go to the park and roll down the hill with them. Number four is you discipline toddlers in their world, not yours. None of these discussions, you said something in there, I think you said something about discussing something with them or explaining something to them. I don't tend to do that. Their world is not about discussions. It's not about therapy. It's not about discussing all the big feelings and big emotions. That's your world, it's not their world, okay? So you just use the consistent corrective actions when you want to discipline them. And number five is stop trying to figure them out. They're not figure outable. They're brand new, fresh human beings and they're just forming, okay? They don't always make a lot of sense. But then what did she say in there? Can you read the first, I think it was right at the very start, she asked something. He seems to be moody lately, lots of ups and downs throughout the day and more demanding with requests. Right now I ignore any tantrums and model how I would like him to ask for things instead of demanding. Okay, stop there, that was it. So he's demanding a lot of stuff. So he's being very rude and when he's demanding, I would say, if he says, I want that, I'd say, well, if it's something he can't have, then I would ignore. I would just say, nope, and then ignore it. But if it's something he's asking for that you know you wanna give him anyway, like I want lunch now and you wanna give him lunch anyway, say lunch please, and if he doesn't say it nicely, just give it another couple of minutes and then you sort of wander away and then look like you've come up with the idea yourself. You don't wanna give in to those demands. So you wanna, and you already said you do that, you model how you want him to say stuff, but then you're probably hanging around too much. You kinda wanna look like it's just kinda casual, you're not too invested in it. I know it sounds silly, but he's testing you when he's doing that. He's like, how are you gonna react to this? So I wouldn't give it a lot of attention. I'd just say, say lunch please, and then I might sort of wander off sort of getting stuff done or getting stuff ready. So then when he might start to put that together, that yeah, you know, when he says lunch please, then maybe he will go and give him lunch right away. So just drag it out a little bit more. But it's gonna take time by the way. They're not gonna learn this overnight. Sometimes I'll have a parent say, can you give us the short version on how you do all this? I actually had someone who said that a while back. It wasn't that, it was the cliff notes or something. And I said, well, I don't have any. I said, it just takes time, especially with toddlers. They don't learn overnight like an older kid can. Unfortunately, there is not a ton of fast tracking. Fast tracking, yeah. And what I just said was toddlers, and when they're older, they can learn overnight just because they know what to do doesn't mean they're gonna always do it. Oh, I'm guilty of that. Well, we're all guilty of that. We all know what we should be doing. We just don't always do it. Or we all know what we shouldn't be doing. We just don't always not do it. Okay, the next one is Kayla from the United States. We have a three year old who turned three in January. For the last couple of months, he's been screaming when he doesn't get his way, when it's about time to leave somewhere, when he doesn't wanna do something, et cetera. We've set timers, done timeouts, ignored him, removed him from the fun, et cetera. It isn't a crying scream, just a high pitched outburst of a scream. My husband and I are at a loss of what to do. My patients gets so thin since I deal with it all day. What do you recommend we do? It's embarrassing when he does a church or in my mom's group in his class. An all out scream. You said you've tried timeouts. I won't milk this one too much, but get rid of timeout, I can't stand it. Start with the behavior board. Now, the behavior board, don't put screaming on there, by the way. Put something else on there. Start to sort of get some leverage going with this leadership, okay? So start with something else. Like do your chores within 10 minutes of being asked to do so. It might just be make his bed and put his pajamas in the hamper. It might be something that simple. Okay, so just put something simple on the behavior board and start there. The screaming is a result of not respecting you. And when you start setting yourself up as a leader using the behavior board, that's the training wheels with all this stuff. He'll start to respect you more and the screaming might sort of slow down. So yeah, generally I just ignore it. I just go, whoop, too loud. And then I just ignore. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my boot camp courses. If you wanna learn how to become a leader. Okay, the next one is Marissa from the United States. I have a three-year-old daughter and she's been playing with her cousin that just turned two. My daughter will be playing with a toy and her cousin will have a fit because she wants to play with the toy my daughter has. Her parents will ask my daughter to let their daughter have a turn, but I don't feel like I should make my child share so that her cousin will quit having a fit. Looking for clarity on if it's the right approach to sharing. Oh, that's a tough one because it's someone else's kid. That's the problem with that. Is you never discipline or really get involved in other people's parenting. So they ask you, no, they ask your child or you to share. What was it? So it sounded like her parents will ask my daughter to let their daughter have a turn. Yeah, I think that's okay. I think that's okay. She's three and I would say, okay, you can have a turn, but they're just trying to control their daughter's fit is what they're trying to do. So yeah, that's kind of nervy. Actually, it's kind of nervy. So I'm stuck here. I know what I'm thinking. I don't want to say it out loud. Like they're telling you how to parent. Yeah, I don't do that. Yeah, you know what? Just to get along, I'd probably do it and I'd give my daughter something else, but then I wouldn't make her share that. I would have something in my back pocket that my daughter would like and I'd say, okay, can you give her that and you can have this instead? That's what I would do is to manage those other parents because that's their problem. I think it's nervy and rude, but anyway. Sorry, how do you feel about it? Well, it's not how I feel about it, but I'm being very, I always say that I don't have a filter, I'm filtering myself. Yeah, it's a tricky one, I think, especially if it's like family and it's... You got to get along with some people. It's just part of it. So yeah, I would give in a bit and I'd make sure that I had something real juicy for my daughter that she would like and I wouldn't say, nope, you wanted to share that? Nope, this is hers now. I would put my foot down. I'll bring out the mega toy. That's right, I'll bring out the better one, the big shinier one. Yeah, and then I'd say, nope, she wanted that, she's got that. I would put my foot down at that point. Yep, yep, I would, but then that's me. Okay, the next one is Skylar from the United States. Boy, age three and baby girl is age nine months. I find it hard to be consistent on having my days be routine. How important is it for your days to have routine and how strict should that routine be? Pretty strict. Like school morning routine, let me see, three. Okay, this is three year old we're focused on here. Morning routine, like get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, whatever. So that one and then meal time routine, you come to the table when you're told, when dinner's ready or whatever, you don't get up, no toys or devices at the table and you can put your dishes on the counter before you leave the kitchen. So meal time, so morning routine, morning routine, meal time routine and then bedtime routine. Those are three things to have routines over. And then the rest of it, you can just have set up times. Okay, we're gonna have blocks today and throw all the blocks in the middle of the room and they can play blocks all morning. And then you say, okay, now we're gonna put that away, we're gonna do this. Classrooms are set up that way very specifically for the reason that it tends to teach children how to focus and also how to clean up. If they want that next activity, they know they've gotta clean up the big activity that you've got out already. My kids didn't have a lot of little toys. I just don't like that junky sort of stuff. But they had activity stuff that was creative. They had to make something out of it. So they had a lot of blocks and Play-Doh and race track sets that joined together kind of stuff. They could put it any way they wanted or Lego or Duplo or all that stuff. So they had more creative stuff or artwork. So I'd say, okay, so we're finished. As soon as they start getting bored, I'd say, okay, so let's pull this out. And then they'd play with that for maybe an hour or two or three. And then I'd say, okay, so let's put this away if you want because then they'd say, can we please do that? I'd say sure, but let's pack this up first. So you're teaching them how to focus too. Okay, the next one is Casey from the United States. My son just turned three and is very verbal. He's very used to the brat buster's techniques and we have quite consistent boundaries in our home. There are a few things. So for example, popsicles and television where as he ages, we're becoming more flexible. And as a result, he's asking for them more. When he asks, he's being round about, instead of saying, I'd like to watch TV, he'll say, I need to do something with the remote. Instead of saying, I'd like a popsicle, he'll say, I'd like something cold. When we push, he admits he's indirectly asking because he thinks we will say no, which is probably right. We tried a variety of techniques to shift the behavior, but it's happening 10 to 15 times a day. Any ideas, we honestly appreciate his attempt at sorting out where the boundaries are, but it's driving my partner and me completely nuts. Okay, with TV, I would just say, well, you can have, you only get TV between this time and that time. So you control when TV happens. That's an easy one. With I want something cold, maybe give him a glass of cold water. Here's something cold. Yeah, or an ice pack. Here's something, nice ice pack from the fridge. Here's something cold. What if they start asking for something sweet and cold? Say, no, no, just say, you don't have to explain yourself. Say, no, not right now. Yeah, he's trying to manipulate you. It's a very manipulative tactic. So yeah, he's just learned how to work around the system. So, and I don't understand why kids ask him for popsicles. Aren't treats supposed to be something that you offer kids? Like it's not, I used to say to my kids, if you ever ask for anything, you'll get nothing because that, because a treat is not something that's like you get on demand. It's a surprise. So I don't understand. I thought a popsicle was like a treat. So if he's asking for it, I would say, no, you don't get, if you ask for it, you don't get it. But I would offer him one every, whenever you want to have one, you know, probably no more than once a day or maybe once or twice a week. I don't know, depends on what they are. And I used to make my own popsicles and my kids, to be honest, weren't that big on them. They weren't very good. Yeah, you're not a nutritionist and not a, No, but what I mean is, why is he demanding this stuff? I don't understand that. Have a set time for TV and outside of that, no. Then he wants something cold. Say, sure, here's a cold face cloth or something. Give him something cold. And then if he argues, say, no, you asked for something cold, that's it. No, but I want something cold and sweet. No, not now. Don't explain yourself. Parents want to explain themselves all the time. Makes you look weak. You got nothing to explain. You don't want him to have a popsicle. He doesn't need to have a popsicle. Why are you letting him manipulate you into discussing this stuff? Parents do this all the time. I want him to understand, he already does. He just wants it. When he wants it, that's it. But you're just saying, no, you can't just have a popsicle whenever you want. And I think the word manipulate, I feel kind of jarring, but what I'm gathering from what you're saying is that it's more just like, he's working the system. Like he's realized that like he knows what. Yeah, but it obviously was working, right? He knows what's working. Whereas they know if they asked me for something cold, they would get a cold cloth. So yeah, he's learned that he can get around that. And I don't know why, like why are you just giving him a popsicle? Like it must work is what I'm saying. They only do what works at this age. So it must work. You know, like you feel like he's being so clever by asking for something cold, so you give it to him. I don't understand why it works. It only, they only do it because it works. So why is it working is what I'm, that's my question to you. Why does that work? If you don't want him to have a popsicle, why is he getting one? I can understand the desire to have a little bit more flexibility as your kids get older. And so I think that that's kind of where this, possibly this question stemming from is like, how do you introduce flexibility while also holding boundaries? Okay, here's the thing. And I sound so strict with this, but if my kids had asked for, and they might, for sure they might have asked for popsicle, but the difference is if I'd said no, they wouldn't have argued. That's when you know you're a leader. But if you say no and they argue, then there's no freaking way they'd get it, you see? So, or they wouldn't get it the next time they asked either probably, so they knew that. So yeah, if I say no, they know it's for a good reason because popsicles generally aren't healthy, but I did make healthy ones, but they didn't taste very good. But anyway, but yeah, it's when you say no to something and they accept that, that's when you know you're a leader. So if you say no to something, then he says, well, I just want something sweet, I just want something and they start negotiating. You know you got some work to do on your leadership. It means that you don't say what you mean and mean what you say. You must not follow through 100% of the time. And that's that consistency that he's playing off that because you're inconsistent. He's using it against you, that's all. And that's where the manipulation comes in. He's using your lack of consistency against you. He's using it to his advantage. I want to give you some credit though, because those chocolate milk ones that you used to make, those were great. You would like, you'd put it in the containers where they were, they had like the little straw attached because it's in Australia and everything melts so fast. So melt down then to get some chocolate milk that you can do with the straw. It was good. Oh, I'd forgotten about that. Those were delicious. Oh, that one. Oh, I remember those. They were good. They were so good. I made the odd good thing. I hate cooking, that's fine. I take no pride in it. I cook with hate. But anyway, so yeah. Yeah, he's just learning how to work, how to work your weaknesses, that's all. Okay. If a kid had argued with me, I would have said literally, if I'd said no, not right now. And if they'd say please, I would have gone, are you kidding me? I'd have just been dumbfounded that they thought that would work on me. I'm gonna have a fit, go right ahead, none of my business. Like that stuff just doesn't work on a leader, right? Once you're a leader, you'll know when you're there and they'll just treat you well. They'll just be nice to you. That's just the way it goes. You gotta earn that though. You gotta work for that. Okay, we have one final question. So, Larissa from Canada, boy's three years old, very reactive, has a hard time at daycare drop off even though he's been going for two years now. He cries and tries to delay the process of demands for hugs and high fives. Recently, he started to reject me at pickup time, running away and saying he doesn't like me anymore and at times refusing to put on his jackets and shoes to get home. Once he pushed me and says, go back to your work, or he throws himself on the floor and saying he wants daddy, even though at home I miss go to normally. Additionally, I'm seven months pregnant without second baby. I feel awful when these episodes happen like I'm the worst parent and afraid of judgment from teachers and other parents. Would love your advice on how to handle this. Oh, he's playing you like a fiddle. He's using your emotions against you. Yeah, okay. So you drop him off and then you said he wants more high fives and kisses and hugs. I would say, no, that's not love he's after. That's delay. That's manipulation. He wants to control the goodbye. That's all he's doing. That's all he's doing. He wants to control when you leave. I would say, love you, see you later. And then I'm gone. Oh, well, I need a hug. That's not a love hug. That's I'm controlling you, mom. I'm controlling you. So I would just, I've already hugged him goodbye earlier. Good bye. Love you. Have fun. See you later. And I am gone. Once I've said I'm, I'm see you later. I am out the door. He, he's learned that he can manipulate you. Now think about this. If you had someone who was just saying love you, hug, see you later and walked out the door, you would give up hope of continually negotiating. At some point they just give up. Okay. They just realize, you know what you're doing. Now when you come back, he's punishing you because he's just working your weakness. Right. And then if he says, I don't love you, you don't love me. I'd say, Oh, well, let's go anyway. Like I wouldn't play into it. See my tone. That's what shuts that down. And then if you say, if you start to look embarrassed, well, I love you and I'm sorry and blah, blah, blah. He's got you by the conackers and he knows it. He's just playing like a fiddle. That's all he's doing. I would say, Oh, well, you hate me. I can live with that. Let's get going now. Off we go. See my tone. I'm in charge. I know what I'm doing. I'm a leader. I'm going to follow through with what I say. And he just will give in eventually. They just do. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay. So it was three year old defiance. And I think basically a lot of this was transitioning into the three year old phase. Like the toddlers are just such a hard thing to put a hard age on it, but it really is right around three when that, I don't know if it's a frontal lobe or whatever it is. I've always said it was, but I'm not a brain surgeon. So I don't know. But anyway, it's when they start to have that sense of reasoning, they can stop and or learn how to stop and think before they act. So it's up to you to teach them to do that. And that's what the behavior board's all about. Before then they don't, they don't expect too much from a toddler with that. You just discipline them right in the moment and it's about actions, consistent, corrective actions. But yeah, three is a real turning point. They can really start to think things through and you really want to use that to your advantage. Okay. I think that's a great place to end. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses and private one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom and grandmother. 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