TDS Time Machine | The Winter Olympics

This episode is brought to you by Ninja Luxe Cafe, the three-in-one machine that makes espresso, drip coffee, and cold brew. No barista skills required. You're listening to Comedy Central. But the biggest news today is not, in fact, coming out of West Coast Synagogues, but rather Salt Lake City. Let's get you updated with our expanded Olympic coverage. Yes, Nina Hartley went to the Olympic Village. No, the Olympics are on. There's no debating that. You saw that little produced open there. But the real surprise so far is they're actually interesting and fun to watch. And most fun of all has been the Paris figure skating scandal surrounding Russia and Canada. Canadians Jamie Saleh and David Pelletier, no he's not, and yes they're doing it, received a silver medal despite clearly outperforming the Russian gold medal duo of Yelena Beresnaya and Antov Sekarulidya. The Canadians definitely outperformed the Russians, especially considering the part of the Russian program where a crab-walking Beresnaya shot ping-pong balls into the mouth of partner Sekarulidya. Just crass. Canadian officials now allege that the French judge, Marie-Renée Leganier, might have favored the Russians in order to pick up first-place votes for France in pairs ice dancing. But the French Olympic official denied the charge, telling reporters, quote, Some people close to the judge have acted badly and have put someone who is honest and upright but emotionally fragile under pressure. She is a fragile person! Leganier has proven to be fragile because, like all French judges, She is made of delicate pot de choux pastry, held together only by caramelized sugar. But she is delicious. But good may yet come of this, and there is now hope that the figure skating scandal will result in some changes. Indeed, it has led many to imagine a future in which figure skaters will have the right to be judged not by some faceless tribunal, but by a jury of their skating peers. It's a dream we can't let die. And that's the big story coming out of Salt Lake City, but it's also been a couple of very busy days event-wise. So with highlights on that, we're going to check in with our own Steve Carell in the Olympic Village. Steve, are you there? You keeping warm? Oh, man, it's freezing here, John. Whew. Do you have any results for us on the events? I do, John. Been here quite a few days in Salt Lake. Let me get right to some of the best action. It's official. Men's 10K cross-country pursuit. American Chris Freeman in the seventh position, well behind Allsgard and Mulek, coming into the final turn. And do you believe in miracles? Yes! Yes! He won? He won? No, no. He finished 15th. What an effort from the great American. Any other results to report, Steve? Yes indeed, John. Results are in from the women's combined Alpine, where American favorite Caroline Lalive fell, leaving the door wide open for fellow American Lindsey Kildo, pushed by the Swiss and the Germans. But oh, do you believe in miracles? Yes, American Lindsey Kildo finishes ninth. Oh. Not, ninth? Yes, John. Steve, I understand you want to prop up the American results, give them a bit of excitement using Al Michaels' famous call from 1980, but, it's not really working, I mean. Well, John, to be honest with you, there's not a lot to report. I mean, do you believe in miracles? Yes, yes! What? What happened, Steve? Oh, I found my cell phone. Yes, a young reporter thought he lost his cell phone in the wilds of Utah, but inexplicably, the hand of God has come down and blessed this youngster from Acton, Massachusetts. Yes, yes, it was in his pocket all along. Woo! All right, Steve. All right, Steve. All right, Steve, well, can you, at the very least, can you tell us about the women's downhill winner? It's quite a story there. Caroline Montelet of France overcame so much. She was a real dark horse there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the French. Croyez-vous en miracles? Thank you, Steve. Steve Carell, everybody. We'll be right back. Cafe Quality Brews without a barista. That's the Ninja Lux Cafe. Yep, no skills needed. Rich espresso, balanced drip coffee, rapid cold brew. All made by you because barista assist technology handles the details. Grinding, weighing, brewing, so you don't have to. Finished with silky microfoam made with dairy or plant-based milk. Hot or cold, hands-free, still no skills needed. From first timer to full-blown coffee fan, you can brew it all. Brew it all with the Ninja Luxe Cafe. No skills needed. Cafe quality coffee without the guesswork. Make espresso, drip coffee, cold brew, and more with the Ninja Luxe Cafe. Listeners of this show get $60 off the Ninja Luxe Cafe premiere series with the code Stuart, exclusive on SharkNinja.com, while supplies last. That's $60 off the Ninja Luxe Cafe premiere series with code Stuart, exclusively on SharkNinja.com, while supplies last. I'm awfully happy to announce that the controversy that threatened to turn Paris figure skating into something we'd have to keep hearing about is finally over. That's the focus of our coverage of the Olympics, which, as you may or may not know, are still on. Yes, the International Skating Union broke from Protocol Sunday and awarded a second set of gold medals to Canadian figure skaters David Pelletier and Jamie Saleh after tossing out the score of the French judge. That's her right there. Canadian supporters gushed with pride, eh? It's great. Great for Canada. It's about time. We deserved it right from the start. And then it was back to Prince Edward Island to await death. Alone. You thought we were going to go for the hat, didn't you? The correction did not sit quite as well with officials from the Russian delegation who warned that the battle is far from over. This is only beginning. Cold War now start again. We will bury you. But this time in tight sequined pants. You know what, Chad? I don't even know if that was the guy from the Russian delegation. We just... He could have been speaking, uh... The debacle has led Skating Union President Ottavio Cinquanta, whose name actually means 850, to propose sweeping changes in the way events are judged. Cinquanta proposed 14 judges instead of 9 and having a computer randomly select 7 whose scores will count. He also wants the perfect score to be 600 rather than 6.0. If implemented, these changes will revolutionize the way people numerically conceal their subjective opinions. In a related story according to a press release issued by the Zamboni guys in the Rink Crew break room an agreement has been reached on an objective judging system to score the ice dancing routines on a scale of gay so gay, or gayest routine ever. The Zamboni Guys scoring system. Meanwhile, the games march on in Salt Lake City, so we're going to take you out right now live to our own Stephen Colbert. He's got a look at today's highlights. Stephen, how are you? Thanks for joining us. Well, John, it's about 8 o'clock here, and the Apres ski is in full swing. The Captain Morgan is flowing, and the snow bunnies are in from the cold, though I admit I'm kind of partial to those crunchy snowboard chicks. They got an androgynous quality that keeps me guessing. Any minute now, local folk duo acoustic bobsled will be taking the stage. It's no secret their version of Cheeseburger in Paradise is a lock for a gold medal in crowd-pleasing. That sounds like an awful lot of fun, Stephen. How about giving us some results from today's Olympic events? Well, here's a result. After a few hot toddies, everyone here becomes a bi-athlete. If you know what I'm talking about, I think you do. You remember the conventions. Listen, I'm thinking more along the lines of the sporting events that were there. Figure skating, for example, I believe the women started tonight. Michelle Kwan skated this evening. She's a heavy favorite. Right, right, right, right, right. Old lady Kwan. Yeah. She's dragging those rickety old bones across the rink yet again. Steven, she's not that old. She's 21, John. There's an eight-year-old from Belarus who's not getting any younger. Well, what about the cross-country? Yeah, they do that here. Well, you know, it starts pretty early, and I haven't seen much daylight yet, John. I hear those guys are pretty in good shape, though. You know, the ladies seem to like them. I should get into that. I'm fat. Am I fat, John? You look fine, Steven. Tell us, what sports have you been to? What have you observed there? Well, I don't know if you'd exactly call it a sport, but from what I've seen, all previous records have been shattered in the hot tub free-for-all. Filters on those things can't take anymore. They've had to fly in some backup tub skimmers from Squaw Valley. Well, Stephen, you don't seem to care too much about the Olympic spirit, but that's really what the games are all about. That's not true, John. That's not true. In fact, I've come to learn that the Olympics represent a broad panoply of peoples and cultures coming together, mingling, joining as one great musky cloud of monkey stank. These people are animals, and I love them for it. John? Thank you, Stephen. We'll be right back after this. Obviously, I've been at home trying to deal with Uh, our second child was just recently born. I'm a little tired. We've been up all night. I'm fighting the flu a little bit, a little feverish. I turn on NBC Friday night, and I thought I saw this. Here come the tree men, entering from various parts of the stadium to form a forest. You guys saw it too, right? Yes, it was the opening ceremonies of the 2006 Winter Olympics, featuring such glorious cultural offerings as art, dance, plastic cows. Not sure what that is. Really don't know what that is. Have no idea what that is. That looks like gay robotic cage dancing. Yes, Italy. The land of the Renaissance. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Ancient Rome, the bottomless well of high culture. Spent six years putting together an opening ceremony that even Fellini would have found a bit much. Capped off, of course, by the nations entering the stadium. Interesting that all the nations are marching in to the accompaniment of a seemingly random collection of 80s American pop tunes. Yes! The world hates us until we make them dance. For instance, Iran, a fundamentalist theocracy in the Middle East, arrived at the stadium to the strains of... Funky Town. I guess because Death to America-ville isn't a song. Uzbekistan entered to Disco Inferno. Mongolia entered to Video Killed the Radio Star. They may get some comments about that. But perhaps, most appropriately, Denmark, home of the infamous Mohammed cartoons, entered to I you not, 70s remix of Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. I'll let you be, besides. I'll let you be, besides. I'll let you be, besides. It was a last-minute replacement for their original choice, Don't Let Me Be Left Alone With The Pakistani delegation. Meanwhile, throughout the festivities, newsman Brian Williams wanted to make sure nobody forgot the world is a sad, sad place. As we bring out Bosnia-Herzegovina... Bosnia-Herzegovina. Bosnia-Herzegovina. Bosnia-Herzegovina. Most members of this team have only known Sarajevo as a pockmarked city in part, recovering war zone. The day after they learned they would be hosting the 2012 Summer Games, that was the day of the subway and bus terrorist attack in London. The nation of Poland still coming off the year of mourning. The new president of Iran, at this moment, he has called for the destruction of the state of Israel. Oh, and here comes Liechtenstein. My guess is a lot of those people are going to get AIDS. The evening ended with the official lighting of the torch and the reading of the Olympic invocation by... Oh, no. If one billion people in the world think peace, we will get peace. Remember, each one of us has the power to change the world. Moving words. Ono then broke up. Britain's four-man bobsled team. Canada. The great white north. America's snowy sombrero. Currently, they're hosting the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Unfortunately, not everything has been going to plan. There is a snow shortage at the Winter Olympics. It's been tainted by the idea that the extreme sports athletes aren't really amateurs. Lack of money, lack of budgets. NBC says it could lose hundreds of millions of dollars. The fourth leg of that cauldron assembly just didn't rise. How do you feel about having to look at the Olympic flame through this chain-link fence? I think it sucks. Can you imagine the kind of torment a Canadian has to be in to drop the S-word? I'm being told that type of language hasn't been used in Canada since legendary comedy duo Wayne and Schuster declined to favor the Stratford Festival with their famed Hamlin and Macbeth-themed baseball skit and hold for applause in Canadian rest homes. Let's move on. Is it too late to fix the Winter Olympics? Luckily, our resident expert John Hodgman is here to help. John Hodgman, thank you for joining us, sir. John why is Canada having such a difficult time with these games Well it not fair to blame the Canadians although I admit it fun to blame them for things like snow and hockey and maple sugar swastikas What? They have maple sugar swastikas in Canada? Oh, I don't know anything about that, John. All I know is that they have maple sugar, and that is the main ingredient of the maple sugar swastika. But as it happens in this case, Canada is just a victim, just like NBC. NBC is not a victim. The ratings are tremendous. How are they losing money? Well, they overbid. They paid $810 million, forgetting that they were not buying the good Olympics, the one where people run around in the sunshine and wrestle each other like the ancient Greeks intended. They were buying the bad Olympics, the one where people slide stones into painted circles. I think there's a little more to it than that. Oh, right, John, the brooms. Yes, I forgot. Now, the problem here are the Winter Olympics themselves. This is not a true global competition. It's a series of elaborate sliding contests between a very small group of ice-bound nations. It's meaningless to most of the thawed world. Any Olympics that can occasionally be dominated by Finland is clearly broken. My first solution? Why not introduce some actual sports? Now, John, let me just stop you right there. First of all, Finland's a fine country, and second of all, these are sports. No, John, these are not sports. These are drunken dares. Hey, go down that hill on a sled. Oh, now try it on two sticks. Now do it with a rifle. I mean, you're overthinking it. Why not just break it down to the essence of winter sport? Fine. What would the essence of the winter sport be? An international competition in which we throw people off of mountains. For example, here's champion snowplanker Sean White doing whatever it is he does. And now here he is again at the John Hodgman Games, falling through space with only his wits to protect him. Now see, John, that's a sport. The ancient rivalry of man versus gravity. I give him a 9.8. Now bring the picture back up there. I'm sorry, I saw Sean White there. Who's that guy? Who's that guy right there? That's the chucker. Chucks him off. Don't you know anything about snow falling? What about figure skating? Figure skating does not meet the drunken dare idea, your definition of winter sport, but it is still extremely popular. It is still very skillful. That's a good point, John. And in fact, I'd say figure skating is the best place to deploy my second recommendation. Add a little glitz for once. You believe that figure skating needs more glitz? Yes, glitz, glamour, zazz. Something to bring in the non-sports fans. I mean, look at these squares. No one wants to watch a bunch of macho alpha males and drab business casuals spin around for a bit before punching their time cards and presumably returning home to their wives and children. And really, Johnny Weir, a crown of red roses? Is that really the gayest thing you could have come up with? I mean, this is the Winter Olympics. We're putting on a show here. Look, look, I think your standards... You're clearly upset. I think your standards for glitz may be somewhat different from the rest of the world. Are they different, John? Or are my standards merely fierce? Finally, most importantly, I'd like to suggest no more athletes. No more athletes. That's your solution in the Olympic Games. No more athletes in the Olympics. That is your solution. Honestly, what's the point, John? Olympic athletes are boring. I mean, look at Lindsey Vonn. Where's the it factor there? Americans don't want to watch automatons who've robotically trained their whole lives for this pivotal moment. What would we get at the Hodgman Olympics instead of these highly trained athletes? First of all, you mean the Hodgmaniad. You would get all the pageantry of top-level international athletic competition combined with all the squalid human theater of the kids from Jersey Shore. What are you suggesting, John? It's simple. I'm talking about taking the situation, dressing him in a flamboyant sequined leotard and throwing him off a mountain. What problems are you solving again? All of them, John. All of the problems. You're welcome. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. You stopped it! When a news story falls to the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black. The Winter Olympics haven't even started yet, but I'm already sure they're going to be one hot mess. It really kicked in last week when I saw the ceremonial 2014 uniforms for Team USA. looks like a cardigan the American flag with Lee Greenwood's the games are being held in Sochi, Russia, and it turns out that might not have been the best choice. A town best known as a beach resort. It's also in the warmest place of Russia on the Black Sea. Yes, those are palm trees next to the brand new speed skating arena. It's a Russian club med! It's like holding the internet The International Bacon Festival in Iran! What possible justification did Russia have to pick Sochi? Sochi is one of President Putin's favorite vacation spots. Oh, that's what I love about Russian corruption. They don't even try to hide it. The only thing in Russia that's more exposed than their corruption is their president's nipples. But what's important is that the Olympics are a celebration of the human spirit and a showcase of world unity. Three different countries get emails warning of a terrorist threat at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games. Sochi, just 250 miles from the border of Islamic terror hotbed Chechnya. 250 miles from Chechnya? Even TripAdvisor knew that was a bad idea. But what's the big deal? I'm sure everything's gonna be fine. The U.S. military has plans to put transport planes at European bases on alert and is deploying two Navy ships to the Black Sea in case Americans need to be evacuated. Jesus! I hope those Lee Greenwood sweaters are made out of Kevlar. And finally, let's not forget another little problem Russian is having with certain people these days. In June, Russia passed laws that ban promoting gay rights and public displays of affection by same-sex couples. So how does the mayor feel about gay people in Sochi? We don't have them in our town. I should know. I've f***ing every guy in Sochi. and not one of them seemed to enjoy it. John? Thank you, Louis. Louis Black, everybody. Return now to the Olympics, where, like Donald Trump eating KFC, athletes push their bodies to the limits of human endurance. But this time, one country has pushed itself too far. An unprecedented announcement today from the International Olympic Committee. Russia has been banned from the Winter Olympics in Korea, a heavy price for Russia's massive doping operation. The ban means Russia as a country will not be represented at this winter's games. But, yeah, apparently, when Russia hosted the 2014 Winter Olympics, it was systematically doping its athletes, which, in a way, I totally understand, right? I mean, you don't want your Olympic team getting beaten in your own country. That would be horrible. It would be like Beyoncé showing up to do karaoke at your birthday party. You'd be there like, yeah, no, she's really talented, whatever. I mean, yeah. I mean, I was gonna sing that song, but whatever. But still, it's amazing how far Russia went to cheat. Russian intelligence agents posed as maintenance workers, entering the athlete testing lab, then breaking into tamper-proof collection bottles and swapping dirty urine for clean samples They built a secret lab right next to the room the storage room where the urine samples were held with a hole in the wall Whoa whoa whoa whoa yo forget the doping How did they get the little bottle to float like that? That's the real story right there. And this is true, this is true. In one case, right, when they were switching the urine samples, a Russian female hockey player ended up with a male's urine sample. Yeah. Imagine being the Olympic inspector who had to give her those test results. Just came in and was like, well, Svetlana, the good news is your urine is clean, but the bad news is you have testicular cancer. Yes, yes, yes, good luck in your race. And how do we know that Russia did all of this? Well, because the person who snitched is the dude who ran the entire scheme. The man who ran the scheme says the order came right from the top, Grigory Rodchenkov. Big boss, Vladimir Putin saying, We have shown the best result in Sochi. How dark a room does this guy have to be in to not wear sunglasses? He's just like, can somebody please turn down that candle? Yeah, bright. Now, of course, we should point out that like everything Russia has ever done, Russia denies doing this. State-sponsored doping is vehemently denied by the Kremlin. Tonight, Russian television channels are vowing not to show the games. President Putin claims it's an American attempt to influence his election next year. Oh, that's hilarious. Vlad acting like he has elections. Oh, my word, that's so funny. Have you seen the Russian presidential ballot? It's like Putin, Putin again, or prison. That's what it is. It's... It's also funny to think that there are Russian voters who were gonna vote for Putin until they got banned from the Olympics, or the people are just like, I don't know about Putin anymore. Next year I will vote for Jill Stein. Meh. But you know who I feel bad for? I feel bad for the innocent Russian athletes, right? Because there had to be some who didn't dope or didn't want to dope, and they just dedicated their lives to training for the Olympics. The good news is they can still go, but not the way that they were hoping. Individual athletes with no doping history can apply to compete, but as Olympic athletes from Russia, no anthems will be played at ceremonies if they win. Russian athletes who test clean can compete in February's Pyeongchang Games with a neutral uniform. Oh, that's cold, man. They can't even represent their country? Like, what, they're just gonna have to wear to wear some generic neutral uniform, yeah? I mean, that doesn't look like you're competing. People will be watching that like, are those athletes, or are they gonna CGI Gollum onto them? What's going on? And if they win a gold medal, they don't even get to hear an anthem? That's the best part. That's the only reason you want to win. They're just gonna stand there on the podium in silence? It's like, you're gonna hear, like, someone fart in the crowd? That's heartbreaking. Well, it won't be, because don't worry, athletes from Russia. We at The Daily Show have written an anthem just for you. An anthem you can proudly sing when you take the gold. And it's got all the pride of a national anthem, but it's generic enough to get past the Olympic band. So please join me as we sing, Oh My Homeland. Oh my homeland, which has a history and many physical attributes. Our people are the best because they were born or moved inside its borders. Let's remember that big military victory and forget all the bad stuff we did. So praise to my homeland! And et cetera, et cetera. Generic stuff. And then we act like we like these songs that we sing. Right now, wherever he is, Colin Kaepernick is taking a knee. He's like, I'm protesting that as well. The Winter Olympics wrapped up last night in South Korea. So to look back at all the exciting events you didn't watch, we turn to Roy Wood Jr. and Michael Kosta in our regular sports segment. I apologize for talking while you were talking. Roy, Roy, I love the Winter Olympics. You know, skiing, skating, luge, all sports Roy and I grew up with. We, yeah. And what a year for Norway. Top of the medal count with 39, and Norway only has 5 million people. That's like if you go to Norway, Roy, statistically, your barista probably has a gold medal. I get what you're saying. Props to Norway. But let's be real. Their whole country is a snow course. These aren't sports for them. This is just life. I mean, if there was an Olympic event where I could watch Real Housewives of Atlanta and eat SpaghettiOs out of a can, I too would be a world-class athlete. You are world-class. Now this year, the US only finished fourth place. Which is respectable, very respectable. Respectable? We're the United States of America. We didn't invade Iraq so we could place fourth in the Winter Olympics. Why didn't we invade Iraq? Losing is unacceptable. Just ask this Canadian hockey player who was so pissed about coming in second, she refused to wear her silver medal at the ceremony. She's like, oh yeah? Get this garbage out of my face, eh? To be fair, that might be the least Canadian thing I've ever seen. I'm not even sure she is Canadian. They're doing a blood test right now. You know who was happy with the silver medal? Ivanka Trump. Borrowed one off US bobsledder Lauren Gibbs. You think it's OK for Ivanka to wear a medal she didn't actually earn? No, I think it's fine. It's just a medal. It's not like it's a job at the White House. I still want to know why the US didn't win more gold. What's up, U.S.? Because they didn't have their eyes on the prize. They had it on the speed skaters junk. Look at these uniforms. I mean, that is confidence. Not only are you in Spanax, your clothing has genital bullseye on it, right? It's like, get right there. Bullseyes. Look right there, you're distracted. You're a distracted speed skater. Oh, also, if we're going to talk romance, we've got to talk about the Canadian ice dancing couple, Scott Moyer and Tessa Virtue, who are definitely boning. The greatest dancing team. Boning? Oh, dude, they're boning. Come on, boy. Dude, Moyer and Virtue, just listen to their names. Moyer and Virtue. Sounds like a Hallmark movie about two dancers who boned. I'm just, I'm not sure. I mean, I... Okay, look, look, look, just look at somebody's poses. Relationship status is none of your business. That doesn't prove anything. Come on, man, look at them. Roy, get your head out of the boning gutter. Is this the Olympics or Kama Sutra on ice? You know, why do you care so much? Because love is a drug, If they're in love, it may as well be doping. Love is a terrible poison that once it's in your veins, you're left alone with nothing and no money, and she takes everything from you. I'm sorry. You know what? Speaking of cheating, the Russian team was punished for doping in the last Olympics, so their athletes went out of their way to show that they were playing fair this time. The problem? That athlete in the I Don't Do Doping shirt tested positive for doping. That'd be like wearing the I Don't Pee Myself on Roller Coaster shirt when the facts say otherwise. Can't you keep any secrets? Also, Russia, can't you go one day without cheating? Why would you dope in bobsledding? It's the only sport that's just sitting down. If you really want to cheat, you know, bring a neck pillow with you. That would be cheating. So that was this year's Winter Olympics in South Korea. Can't wait to see all the action again next year. It's every four years. I did not know that. I was watching Black Panther all month. I ain't seen that shit. Black Panther, huh? Yeah. Have you seen it? Explore more shows from The Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.