#745 - JAMES MCCANN + JEFF DYE

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's the Ernie for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Fuck yeah, mixin' with Brian RedBan. Oh my god, have a one more time for the best stem band in all the land. The great Matt Mewling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys, and that is live in the flesh. The one and only demadness, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Zipper Cruder, and Tacovas. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode we have for you before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The song's that strip. Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out RedBan's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what, huh? Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show this week, absolutely no different. In fact, it's amped up to my favorite comedians in the world right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guests. It's the return of James McCann and Jeff Dye. Oh yeah, James McCann. One of the best guests in the history of the show. Same with Jeff. Motherfuckin' Dye is back. James McCann's new special black Israelite. Now everywhere it's got a new poetry book. The Desquiting Loads of A. Desquiting Levels of A. Levels of A. New Book of Poems by James Donald Forbes McCann. The number one best selling book of poems by an Australian. Now, right now, Desquiting Levels of A. New Book of Poems. He has poems out there. Without replacing Huckleberry Finn in American school syllabases, because there were too many end words in Huck Finn. There were 52 end words. My book of poems, 38 end words. We got it down. That's a gift for the people of this country. It's perfect. Jeff Dye. Jeff Dye loves it. Jeff Dye has the new Dye Hard Podcast. He's on tour all the time at JeffDye.com. Yeah, we're in it. You guys have both been here before. How you doing, honey? Happy to be here. Good job with Y'all, Capella boys. Yeah. Yes. First time I've ever seen the band nervous. Yeah. They travel light those ocapelas. Yeah, we're always sizing up the other comedians again. Fuck, but it's first time the band was on their toes. Yeah. Like, who the fuck are these guys? Yeah, they were. De Madness was looking down for the first time. Yeah. So we're going to have a lot of fun. You guys have both done the show before. You know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on Tonight's show. If I pull one of their names out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds on Interrupt. Do you know their time is up and you're the son of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. Very exciting. I'm going to let this soon to be deported illegal immigrant. Pick the first name out of the bucket here tonight. Very exciting. Right off the top. Very nice. I double checked it. And it is on. While we go wrangle that comedian to start tonight's show, I have One of our esteemed golden ticket winners has just arrived on a Plane to come to this show for this spot. You know him as a man from Toronto, Canada, who's a variation, Who famously sits around eating ramen noodles all day. While his girlfriend is a waitress at the ramen place, this is the Long awaited return of Conscience. Thank you. Hey guys. Did you guys know that most of the fentanyl was manufactured in Japan? I was surprised at the beginning, but it kind of makes sense that They were making it in Japan because Police in Japan would never realize if Japanese people are High on fentanyl or just being really, really respectful. Speaking of fentanyl, any Chinese people in this crowd, if there is as a Japanese person, sorry for everything. I think Japan did terrible things to China, back in World War Two. So I think in my opinion as a Japanese person, I think Japan deserved First bomb. But second one is too much. So I never understood the second one. Never did until just recently I figured out I was using a microwave. I put my food out and my food wasn't piping hot enough. I was like, Vandice hot pocket not surrendering. So I had to nuke it again. Thank you. Welcome back, Kansai. Fantastic set to get things started tonight. I appreciate it. We missed you. What's been going on in life, Kansai? What have you been up to since the last time we saw you? It's been amazing. But I just have a one concern. Yes, what is your concern? I think I have a fake accent. Oh, really? And it's true. I speak really good English. You do? Can I try? Yeah, let's hear some of the really good English from Kansai, Yusuda. It was a variation and eats ramen all day. Hi, my name is Kansai and I speak really, really good English. My favorite color is blue red and white. Thank you. Thank you. It's pretty good. I mean, color, you said color, in the middle of all that. I don't know if anybody else noticed that. If I said my favorite color, you'd be like, well, Tony got Asian is fucking the middle of that. It's perfect, Tony. I'm sorry for lying. It was almost perfect. The color. My favorite color. My favorite color. My favorite color. My favorite color. My favorite color. Watch, watch me say it, ready? My favorite color. My favorite color. Somehow more Asian than all the times before that. My favorite color. My favorite color. You were so focused on the color that you forgot about favorite. Watch me one more time. My favorite color. My favorite color. It's getting more Asian, ladies and gentlemen. This is unprecedented what's happening here. We've never seen anything like it. He's getting more Asian while trying to sound less Asian. It is happening in front of our eyes. My favorite color is blue. What are these extra beads? It's like you're skipping like a CD. It's my favorite color. Call it color. Watch me one more time. My favorite color. My favorite color. It's like subtitles. Damn it. My favorite color. Every color is blue. It's hard. Who thinks you are faking this Asian accent? I don't know. Other Asian people maybe. Other Asian people think you're faking your Asian accent. I don't know. Maybe people in reddit. Oh. Reddit. Wow. Reddit. Reddit. Reddit. Very. You say that well. Reddit. Okay. Very good. That's enough shout outs for reddit there. Federal. Liberal psychopaths. You're giving way too much attention to. So, uh, Concy. Tell us about your actual life. What's new? What's different since the last time we saw you. Different. When you're thinking we can hear a specific noise. If you, when you go like that and you try to think of something. A long time ago. I was eating ramen. I'm alone in my den. And I met my girlfriend. All right, what's been going on? What's going on my life? I finished a tour. I finished a tour. A tour? A tour. Yeah. Wait, how did you say it? A tour. Oh, very good. A tour, yeah. A tour. Yeah. And yeah, I went back to my high school. Oh. Yeah. I went to high school in Philly. Oh. Yeah. Philly Roll. Philadelphia. Yeah. The home of the Philly Roll. Yeah. Philadelphia Roll. Yeah. What are your thoughts on a Philadelphia Roll? Sushi with cream cheese and salmon. That's not sushi. There's a different type of sushi. The American sushi, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a sushi burger, like, yeah. Yeah. It's different. Yeah. But I like it. I fuck with it. I fuck with it. Dark. Okay. Okay. So tell us about going back to your high school in Philly. What was that like? It was. Philly was not, I mean, I was, it was my, I meant my dean, Councillor. Uh-huh. He didn't remember me. You were probably on the honor roll there, right? Is that your favorite sushi in Philly? I will have a number three, the honor roll. I got, I got, I got, I got, I have to transfer that score because I, I got beat up. Whoa. Asian hate? No. My dad made me have. Oh, perfect. That makes sense. What did he beat you up for? Getting a B? No, because I was hugging out with a bunch of black people in Philly. Oh. Wow. My goodness. My dad didn't like you. If they don't beat you up, dad will. Dad will. So how did your dad find out you were hanging out with the blacks? Or is you call it the bracks? The black. Black. My, uh, I was Skyping. It was my dad. Skyping, you guys remember? A Skype? Skype was a thing when you were in high school? Yeah, I was, how old are you? I'm 29. Yeah. Yeah. Skype was the, the best thing. Wow. You guys must have had it first. You must have made it. Do you make it yourself? I don't know. Maybe. I created a Skype so that I could talk to my phone. Right. It's hot in Japan though. If you Skype the wrong person because it can take like two or three minutes to figure out that you're talking to someone you don't know. Oh, it's, but I want that. Is there pressure on you now that, you know, Japanese people are considered to be the best at baseball now? That's huge. Sorry. What? Uh, baseball or, you're a really good at baseball. You've dominated baseball. Like America got you with the nuclear weapons, but you're coming back with the World Series. Yeah. The nuclear energy seems to have created a lot of hit baseball players with extreme powers. They can pitch. They can hit. They can do everything. They're winning championships. We're seeing the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, fucking. Yes. The evolution of the Japanese baseball player. You guys used to be very small. We hit you with nuclear bombs. Now you're huge and hitting home runs. Thank you so much. Well, yeah. That is what we did. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I noticed in your set, you know, I've watched a lot of World War II documentaries. But I didn't know a lot about, uh, Japan attacking China and that, that's a big part of it. Yeah. I skip over that. That's the boring part. The Asian side of World War II. I'm like, who the fuck is like, it's like soccer to me. I'm like, I don't really care. I watch actual football. Let me see those Germans versus the fucking English over here. You know what I mean? I shoot a lot. Uh, what are the Japanese due to the Chinese? You, I'm sure in my local historian James McKinley. It was a lot of laps. It was a lot of laping. What do you, what the fuck are you saying? How do you have the thickest accent up here, all of a sudden? What are you saying? There are a lot of lapar. What is that? Laping? What the fuck? We were lapping older women. Yeah. Got it. Yes. A lot of laping. A lot of lapar. Yeah. It's really the Koreans are very upset about. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was so upset about it. Yeah, Korean. He's Korean. Oh. Yeah. So it's like, they. Oh. Yeah. My mom is Japanese. Oh. Yeah. If it's the other way around, people aren't too happy about that. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like, yeah. That's an unlikely pairing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How did that happen? Yeah. So my dad didn't tell my mom that he was Korean. Oh. Seriously? Yeah. And they got Korean. And I was like, I thought racism was just like white guys. And then I was like, I don't know why everyone thinks racism is exclusive to white guys. And there are like a person that was with us. She was like, that's true. We hate the Koreans. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. I did the so like the fact that the parents did that. That's honorable. It's a yeah. Thank you. Thank you. It's good to see you. Thank you so much. So are you the only child out of this Korean Japanese bibimbap family? Yeah. Just me. Just me. Well, you're an only child. Yeah. And they have me late too. They were like, 78 years old. How old? 38 years old. I thought you said 78. What did I say? I said, God, that accent is juicy tonight. I said, there were 78. Or when they heard of me, I, uh, chef die. Wait. So your dad's Korean, your mom's Japanese. You flew in from Canada. Are you wearing the Canadian bullshit there? Yeah. You said you went to school in Philly. What the fuck's going on with you? Yeah. So confusing. So my dad was born in Japan, but he was, he's like kind of Korean. Yeah. I don't know whether to call ice or rice right now. This is absolutely incredible. We're cracking a case right now. Then I was born in Japan as a baby and then a little baby bulgogi. A little baby barb. I was a baby and a croncog and then, uh, after that, I went to, I was really doing really bad in school. You were doing it? Bitty barb? Yeah, I was, no, it wouldn't. All right. Bitty barb? Very, very, I was doing belly bar. I was very bad in school and then, uh, and I went to, uh, and my parents sent me to school in Philly. So like, your life is the opposite of Tokyo Drift. Yeah. The Japanese people sent you over to America to learn how to drive in a straight line. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, how is school better in Philly than it is in? It was like a detention school. Yeah. They're better at punishing you. Yeah. There's a lot of black, and then, uh, and then your dad was like, what a minute there's black guys here? I didn't know. I didn't know that. Let's go to Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Where can we go where there are Noah Brax? Canada looking very good. All right. Concy. Are you close with your family or is it like a normal Asian thing? Like, okay. Do you love your mom or anything? Do you love your mom? Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Very good. I have a red band trying to shoehorn to love you long time. Audio joke. And then you want to hit it again. Nice and clean. there you go Red Band. I was wondering because that was the worst question I've ever heard. Yeah. Does your mom love you? Love in your family? Does your mom love you a little bit or perhaps? Very good. All right. Yes. Welcome to the lowest point in Kiltowne history, ladies and gentlemen. Consy, this interview has gone on so long. You're so entertained. Oh, yes, go ahead. I have a one more before I go. Yeah, before you go. I have a gift for you. Oh, I brought the ramen. What are you? Where are you reaching for this gift? You're pulling it out like a samurai sword. Hold on. Oh my god. What is going on? Is it up your ass, Concy? Wow. You had it taped to your back. Yeah, how did you have it on there? What an amazing reveal. I can't wait to eat out of this bowl. Wow, it's a real Shinman Tundau Roku Shinman Tundau from Toronto. We've read the Yelp reviews. You made the place famous. Is it still packed all the time? Packed. Wow. Because of Kiltowne and your girlfriends making a lot of money, right? Yes. Wow. What's that? One of our black dildos? What do you got there? It's the ramen. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh, it's actual ramen. You brought ramen from Toronto? Oh, that is. This was a crazy idea. It is hot. Oh my god. Eight ounces of ramen for you. Steaming hot. Wow. Concy. That is amazing. Is that real Roku Shinman? Yeah. Wow. Oh my god. Oh, you have the toppings and everything. Wow. This is incredible. When was this made exactly? Two hours ago. Okay. But you made it? It was frozen. It was frozen. Really? Yeah. Put it inside and it got really. Yeah, that's a real thermos. That'll hold it pretty long. Yeah. It seems like it's really hot. You know what? Why don't you want to see what you're doing? Why don't you take it to the back and I'll eat it afterwards and I'll totally enjoy it because I'm glad I didn't ask. I saw a bump on your back when you did the bowing thing. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. Maybe he's got fucking scoliosis or something. I'm so glad I didn't ask. That would have ruined everything. Tiny, it would be very dishonorable if you know what to eat. Let me have a bite of the fucking ramen. Get it over here. 17 fucking minute long interview over here. His accent is so thick. He's the most fun person to talk to. There's no suit. Okay. It's scorching hot by the way. I mean, this is literally, I've never seen anything quite this hot before. It's new. It looks nothing like ramen. If I get food poisoning from this, I swear to god, I'm going to be very mad. Chopstick. Alright. This is... This is for red-bent. Oh, extra noodle. Yeah, just noodle. You need diet. It'd be very dishonorable if you didn't eat that red-bent. You guys all want a bite? There we go. We have a starving cat. For the band. I don't know what that is. Yeah, it's good. It is so good. One more time, plug it right down the barrel there. Where's the red light over there? Say the name of the restaurant. Okay, photo-rass. Very good. That is Kansai Yusuda. Thank you. Representing Canada, Japan, Korea, Philly, and Austin, Texas. How about one more time for the great Kansai Yusuda? There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Kansai. At Betweikasino, stake 20 pounds and get 150 free spins for new customers. 18 plus, TizenC's apply. Bet the responsible way. gambleaware.org. There once was a woman who lived in a shoe. Assize to snug book. What could she do? But that's not where her story ends. Thanks to a little help from her experience, friends. She got her score into much better shape and relocated to a box fresh new place with room to grow and a mortgage to suit. Now, she lives in a space whose four-bedroom cowboy boot. Better your experience credit score to help get mortgage ready. Experience better your score better your story. All right, so the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You guys probably know how this works. But we get people the opportunity of a lifetime where they probably the only show in the world in which anybody that signs up can get on the show. And here we go, ladies and gentlemen, your first human being doing a minute of uninterrupted comedy out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. Goes by the name of Terik Morales. Everybody, here we go. Terik Morales. Terik Morales. Haru. What's up, guys? I talked to my mom recently and she said I should try being more black. And no matter what I do, it looks like I drive a Prius with a Hellcat sticker on it. People see me coming. They're like, oh yeah, this guy knows both of his dads. I do. I do know my dad. When I grew up with him, he would always give me fatherly advice. He would always tell me, never fuck a bitch with your whole dick. Only give a half the dick or the bitch gon go crazy. I had to be like, hey, dad, I'm 12. Oh, sorry. Are you talking about my mom, motherfucker? What you mean? Half the dick? That's my mom, bro. Give her the whole dick, right? I don't know. All right. Thank you. Terik Morales. Very fun. Very good. Great stuff. Nice to meet you. How long have you been on stand up? It's actually like a year this month. Where are all here in Austin? Boise Idaho. Boise Idaho. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Are you the closest thing to a black guy that they have there? This is it. This is it that we hit it, dude. This is as black as it goes. Wow. And are you mixed? Yeah. I'm half black, half putter-eakin. Okay. All right. Yeah. Clap it up. Yeah. And the Idaho, and the Idaho means you're somehow half white too. It's very exciting. Yeah. It's a Malcolm X and Malcolm in the middle situation. Yes. Malcolm X and the middle one would say. That's how you should say that from now on. Thank you. So let me ask you, Terik. Your dad is black, mom's putter-eakin. Mom's black. Dad's putter-eakin, but I grew up with my stepfather. He's black. Black as hell. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That makes sense. When you say black as hell, can you give us an example of exactly what you mean? Yeah. Sure. He like a little bit of that, not too much of that. He would take like massive shits when I was a kid. Oh. Okay. Chain-smoke new ports at the same time. It was, it could have been any race until you hit the new ports there. Yeah. And they didn't make me stand there, so we had someone to talk to. Oh, this is pre-cell phone? This is pre-cell phone. Wow. It's like a fucked-up way of getting Pavloved and so like, and it's smell like shit and cigarettes. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. That's him. Yeah. Okay. And what do you think the blackest thing about you is? Really impressed by close-up magic? Yeah. Wow. Amazing answer. That is correct. It completely checks out. If you had to guess what the whitest thing about you is, even though you're not really white, the Idaho really has you. Yeah. Speaking perfect English. Ah, fuck. I know like almost all the lyrics of Mr. Brightside. That's. Wow. That's a man-said-draws-mosis. That checks out. That's white. And if you had to guess what the most Puerto Rican thing about you is, what would that be? You also can't vote? Yeah. There. Oh, okay. Puerto Ricans can't vote. That's okay. I thought you were going to say you don't recycle. They have a recycling problem there. Got me in trouble a year ago. Turns out I was the one of the only people that knew about it. Anyway, James McCann. Thankfully, there was a don't vote solution for you as well. There was a what? Well, they don't vote. That was also good. Don't vote. I was being silly. I'll do some close-up magic to make up. Yeah, let's do it. What do you got? Whoa. That's his cell phone. How'd you get his phone? Wow. But the microphone all the way down his throat there. Tereek, what do you do for work? I used to work at Omni. I was up there doing Omni shit and then I worked from home. The hotel? Yeah. Yeah. What were you doing at the hotel? Front desk guy. Horrible. I was doing so bad and I had to get a new job. Can you give us an example of the worst thing you ever did at that job? Apart from not doing it, I don't know. I saw... There was an old white man who gave his grandson to a Mexican lady that worked the day here and then he just forgot. And so he comes to the front desk and he's like, there's been an abduction. There's been an abduction. I'm like, just because he's Mexican, you know, easy. And yeah, we had to like show him the video of him passing his grandson off to the lady and it was like, wow. That was the craziest thing. I don't know. Wow. Did that remind you about your father? Did you back in the day? Passed me off to my mother and... Yeah. What happened to the original Puerto Rican father? Oh, man. He was a drunk guy in the military and he got kicked out eventually. And you don't communicate with them at all anymore? How much? No. I haven't talked to him in years. Okay. Why is that? You just don't... I don't know. I just feel like I don't really need a dad right now, you know? That's true. You know, you kind of missed the window on the dad part. Yeah. But I need a daddy alcohol, for sure. Okay. But you consider your stepdad your actual dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you had to guess what age you were the last time he made you stay in the bathroom while he shits and smokes the new ports, what are we talking about? Was this like last Christmas or something? Seventeen, yeah. Wow. Oh my God. That is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing, for you. Anything else we should know about you? What do you have any special skills or talents or anything? I don't know. I've been getting into gongs lately. Dude, I've got to... I just bought a gong. A gong? A gong? Like an Asian instrument? 28-inch Vietnamese gong. Yeah. Wow. So stoked about it. We should have started with that. All this dead tug is way more interesting than you're into gongs than you're into gongs. Yeah. I'm glad you're glad. Yeah, they're badass. One of the old sentiments. Yeah. I keep it on me. It's in my car right now. It's great. I fucking love that thing. What do you do with the gong? Exactly. Hit it. Yeah. You just... Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it's sweet. You got two dragons on it. Yeah. Wow. Okay. It's incredible. We have... We have black Puerto Ricans playing the gong and we have Japanese Koreans in Philly. Something's really backwards about the beginning of this episode. James McCann. I said, Red Band had so many gongs and a fix ready to go with the Asian Philly. And with you, I see him over there scrambling trying to get the gong. He does. He is an entire set of gongs. You wouldn't believe it. Yeah. Okay. Well, you better not hit too many of those gongs or Red Band's going to think it's time for dinner. Oh, sorry. Tariq, I love your style. Sign up again. How long you been town for? I live here now. Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Tariq, Marales, has made his Killtony debut. There's a big joke book. Thank you. All right. Let's keep him moving along. A little update. A little fun back for you. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. HeidiRajina.com to catch the new podcast love on the line. She is hot. She's hot, everybody. A little update for you. My stomach is already oddly rumbling from the single bite of ramen that I had. I may have it. Okay. Something to keep an eye on is the show goes on. It's only been five minutes. Perhaps a bite of frozen Toronto ramen wasn't the best idea. It's been taped to somebody's back. For anyway, let's keep it moving along here. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Diego Del Gadillo, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? You guys look confused. You heard my name. You're like, oh, the kitchen staff can put their name in the bucket. I know that. I know, man. I'm trying to figure things out, learning a lot. I just found out that if you ask enough questions in the Uber, you get a free caron. I know, dude. I want to three carons this week. I started making a game to see how many questions it takes until I get a caron. Turns out you don't even need to ask that many questions. If you like the other day, I walked in an Uber just like stressed out enough. I sat down. I just went he turned around. He's like, my brother. What's wrong? I don't know, man. Just all these people eating pork and shit. It's really stressing me out. He handed me one off principal. I'm going through some things with my family. I got a cousin that does only fans, which I honestly, I found out when I was proud of her. I was like, if you cousin do what you need to, make money, I get it. Then I found out she was charging me full price. What's up with that? Because you don't have no discounts, no promo codes. It's cool, though. We worked it out. She sent me two different websites called Only Friends and Family. That was for us. Diego Del Gideo. Am I saying that right? Diego Del Gideo? What a cool name. What ethnicity are you? I'm Mexican and Colombian. Oh, wow. Okay. Welcome, Diego. How long you been on stand up? Like four years? Where out? San Diego and then New York. Okay. You live in New York now? Cotton. No. I mean, okay. I've been living here for like three months, but I've been living with my girlfriend. She's kind of kicking me out. No, it's not like that. She's just like, you don't, you need a job. But you don't want to get a job deal? My, I don't, my, I need one. It's bad. When's the last time you had a job? August 28th. What happened on that date? I, that shall live in the infamy by the way you responded. I mean, that is an exact date. I, uh, I moved here. I, I mean, I flew here. I took a flight here. Okay. What job did you have before? I was, I was a barista in New York. Yeah. Okay. How long were you a barista for a year? Okay. What did you do before that? Anything? I was a news producer. I produced local news in, in San Diego. Oh, wow. What did you learn from that job? Let people know how the news worked. I was 19 years old telling like the whole county what was up. I shouldn't have been doing that. I was lying sometimes. My boss would be like, you sure this happened? Be like, yeah, you good. You good. Just run it. They had me translating. I don't speak Spanish. I speak Spanish, but not enough to be like translating for the news to be right like broadcast. How old are you? DA go Dell? Good to go. I'm 22. 22 years old. Look at you. And how I don't stand up four years? Yeah. So you started at 18. Yeah, like graduating high school. Incredible. And when did you move to New York to do that? Uh, last August 28th. You move every August 28th? We'll see how it goes. It's looking like November, December 1st right now for here. We'll see. Why? What's going on here? Not working out? It's not not working out, but like, you know, New City, my girlfriend's getting tired of me. But your girlfriend's in New York? No, she's here. She lives in Austin. She came with you. What is she lived here? She lived here. That's why I came here. Okay. What does she do? She works in commercial production and she wants you to get a job. How long have you been here again? Like three months. Three months. And have you paid any rent or anything? No. Which is like, it's a good thing, right? We got a good thing going. Sounds like you. It's kind of going. James McCann. You're going to want to be careful next August 28th. Because you've gone from presenting the news on television to making coffee for people to make stuff for us. I was making more money to make coffee for us. Well, still there's pride and dignity in both of those things. I'm sure. But I mean, what happens next August 28th? Just head down to the bridge and get to work. I want blue collar. Next year, blue collar, 2026. Who's in? What does that mean to you exactly? Something where I'm working and what do you get? Blue collar. You guys got like hammers and shit. Are you doing crowd work right now? Are you like asking humans in the audience for a job? Yeah. Actually, if anyone is hiring, anybody here, you know, you want to go down to Home Depot because there's less people there now. So you will stand out. Listen to your call. Have you tried coffee shop? Good about it. I honestly, I brought resumes. They made me leave them at the door. They were like, you can't bring them in. You brought resumes here? Not really. I got a higher deal. You're sure with a bunch of fucking noodles. Yeah. So what is your girlfriend said to you exactly? Like it's pretty consistent. Every Friday, she's like, so you got a job yet? Are you banging her? You going down on her? Are you pleasing her? Yeah. Are you sure? No. So I'm giving you like the worst performances ever. Yeah. Like it's pretty laughable. Tell us about it. Describe it to us. I'm like, I'm thinking like, okay, let's get her off. Then she'll leave me alone about the rent situation. Uh-huh. What do you do? I'm fucking, I'm thinking, I thought I was going to like fingering. I'm not. Show me a show person on an iPhone. Just fucking general movements. That's how you do it with your palm? No, no, no. These fingers. Show us exactly how you do it. No, come here. No, come here. I just want to talk. Oh, she's across the room from you still. You got to get her over there. That's usually how it starts. Baby. Come here. Okay. All right. Now let's say she's there. Then what do you do? I just want to talk. I just want to talk. No, it's fine. Oh, yeah. I see why she wants you out. Yeah. This is crazy. I just want to talk, baby. Wow. Diego Delkadillo. This is incredible. I thought Latino men were known for being romantic love mates. No, we're known for lying. Oh, okay. Are you kidding me? Come on. Even I am offended by that. You want to try it? Are you? Have the Hispanic community not suffered enough with that? You coming out here and calling their fingering into distribution? Yeah, we're suffering because I lie. It's because we lie. Why don't you lie and tell us you've got a job there. Maybe she'll come. Bring her a W2, baby. Look what I got. Well, Diego, hopefully you finger it out real soon. Here is a medium-sized joke book. Welcome to Austin, Diego. We'll see you around soon. On to the next one we go. Diego Delkadillo. It'll be interesting to get an update from him next time he signs up. Because I don't think the girl's going to go for that much longer. I don't think he's you know. All right, we'll see. You can't require UK residents 18 plus TCC supply. Borkers, are you ready for the drop? Cause on the beach you're dropping. Buka five star holiday for 2026 and you get a free loan jacksets per. So get booking, no. Conditions apply. Seven night to minimum stay outbound only from slated airports for up to six people. Subject to lounge availability. Excludes cruises after an at-all protected. This is a one word name coming up. This should be interesting. Make some noise for Frank. Everybody Frank is next on Kill Tony. So I've recently been on the internet dating and been spending an African American female that I've been hanging out with. And she's about as Caucasian as they come. And so I introduced her to my family just straight down the middle until about I don't know five days ago. We're making love and she she said, oh, and it was the first it was the first time at that moment I realized that there was something deep inside that had not been released yet. But you've woken up a monster since last time because you mother fuckers on Reddit are unbelievable. The death threats and shit that you gave me priceless worst bucket pool. You've woken up a monster. You have no idea. I wasn't even entertaining comedy until now. It's it. This is for you mother fuckers. Oh Frank, no one no one even remembers you. I bet the different. No one remember I we didn't even remember you. You had another chance. I don't even know what happened last time you were on or and you're out here like some kind of gangster rapper like y'all motherfuckers thought you could hold me back. But like you're like a gangster rapper that didn't rhyme or didn't have a beat or anything because you didn't really do any jokes this time. Like you had us you had us at the you we were waiting for a joke you fucking you had like a you had like a left jab that was set up and then it's nothing and then you're like and by the way do you mother fuckers on Reddit fuck all y'all like of course they're gonna say that if it went anything like this. You wait till you see what they say this time. I don't even know what happened last time none of us remember you. Okay I was the most least or the least interesting guy on stage that you that you claimed. Does anybody remember this happens. It's the whole pan. Literally the band and never before have me red band and the band not remembered a human being. It was whatever you did was so terrible that we like men in blacked ourselves like fucking can you take us through can you remind me let's check it with Jeff Dian James McCamp. Maybe was the most forgettable game pull ever. Yeah you're like the opposite of 9-11 you're like August 28th. What the fuck is going on here James McCamp. No but we'll remember this one. I like this one. 30 seconds to stand up 30 seconds are responding to death threats. This is an art form. I think that's good. I think lean into that death threats. Also was anyone else genuinely kind of like he might pull a gun out or something. Yeah. That was a little like I love you buddy but I was like oh fuck I'm not gonna look. There was a period of time when he was just straight performing in my eyes and I have to remind them that there's 300 fucking humans this way. You were just performing for me. You got to look at them. You think I'm the guy from Reddit? I'm Crackerbrill Kid 55. What? Crackerbrill Kid 55. Okay. Okay. What does that all mean? Did you plan on coming out and responding to them and you held yourself back for a while? Yeah it was the longest that I could. What was the snap? What caused you to? Yeah. What exactly was the death threat that you think you got? They, well it's a different crowd obviously but I should have maybe kept that in mind. Not well thought out. I love all of you. Debanis just went to post on Reddit right now and he's literally never read anything his whole life but he's gonna start right now. Jeff died. Doesn't a little part of you kind of get it though. These Reddit motherfuckers are pretty mean. I mean yeah if you look at it. Yeah. I mean if you look under a rocket find your buzz. I had never gone. I had never gone on Reddit. I didn't know there was a Killtony Reddit where people just so wait so then what are you even referencing? All of my friends and family that watch the video and reached out to me and because the whole the whole crowd booed me the entire time. Oh my god. No, no don't start that Jesus Christ. What did you say or do the last time that was this terrible? I was short-witted or I wasn't quick to I wasn't quick to answer your your prompts and you put me on the spots every time I was in. Yeah it's an interview. Yeah. You're doing good this time. Was there a reason why you couldn't answer my questions last time? Yeah I just spent 25 days alone in Idaho with a there was a guy from Idaho here just a moment ago who did just fine. He lives in Boise's half Puerto Rican half black half white. I know isn't an excuse buddy. No I just I had been speaking for 24 hours before getting on this stage. I hadn't said another word. Do you have any jokes? Did you prepare a joke for this? Who wants to hear a joke from Frank? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen doing his first joke of the night it's Frank. What kind of jeans is a ghost where? What kind? Boo jeans. Oh my god you you really saved yourself up for that one you literally have the word boo in your punchline. They're saying boo. Yeah they're big fans of the joke they want you to make merch they want you to make merch. Boo. They love the joke. Yes they do. Them sir. Yes they do. Have you kept dying? Can you explain the joke that you bailed on about the you I thought you were suggesting the woman you had sex with and went ooh that's dad had awoken a monster but then you know you were saying that they have awoken a monster. Yeah. Let's get back to that girl you were fucking. Yeah are you sure she didn't say boo. Yeah okay. Frank have you been practicing stand up at all? This is my second time. See your first time was on Keltoni. Yeah. Frank you have to try this other places. I understand that I've been watching the show and I ran here I ran I just I did not why did you why did you run why didn't you walk. I ran eight miles and stopped in for a pint at Shakespeare's put my name in. Wait you were just having a drink at Shakespeare's and you're like sure I was lying up. Well I mean I've been watching the show I love comedy I love everything at this stance. Okay you're getting more interesting I'll be honest. Yeah. Do you really have a black girlfriend. No. Oh wow. Amazing. All right Frank what I know you Frank thinks this is like his like getter done. Frank thinks the boo is them being these you guys liking him they like you. Okay Frank you have to try other places you have to like get good at this you can't just be the guy people love to hate on Keltoni. I understand that. Okay what did your friends and what tiny that's gone pretty well for you on the reddit. What? I was a silly joke you said you can't be the guy people left to hate on Keltoni and I was hey listen we're all having fun. Yeah all right we're all having fun you've got the fight in you you've got a terrible work I think but look at you. Frank think you can be something. You said that your friends and family reached out to you after your appearance on the show. What did your family say about your performance? Did mom or dad talk to you. My mom yeah what did mom initially was not a fan of the crowd because she blame the crowd too. No no it was yeah well yeah because she's it runs in your jeans your boo jeans. All right. For no they just reached out because it was my first time it was terrible. I know it was just Frank Frank. Imagine it being worse than that. Yeah I think it was. I think I think I can't imagine it being all right Frank did I give you a little joke book last time you were on. Yes you did. I did. Yeah. Do you have it on you? Can I have it back? It's for red bands got a great idea. Do you have it on you? I want you to bring it back. I want you to I want you to leave it at the ticket booth of the mother ship next chance you get. You're the first person in the history of the show that I've ever repot the little joke book. Frank you have to do this other places. If you if you plan on coming back you have to do at least three to five open mics somewhere else. This isn't just it do fucking kill Tony. A lot of people spend a lot of time. There's tons of people in this bucket whose passion in life is this and they're waiting to get pulled and be a star and you're clonking it up for them because it's just a bucket you're taking an opportunity from someone that's truly ready and prepared. There goes Frank everybody with absolutely nothing. He has to return his little joke book for the first time in the history of the show. 12 and a half years we've been doing this show the first man to return a little joke book. I got bad news for you. It's another one word name but as you know anything can happen. If you thought Frank was bad you may love the comedy stylings of Bob everybody. Here comes Bob everyone. Uh oh we know Bob. What a very beautiful audience you all are. Everyone is beautiful in the dark and in the rain. When you look at me you may be thinking I know where the good stuff is. I don't I don't know where anything is. Whenever I go anywhere I make sure I sign the guest book. You sir you may never know when you need an alibi. Whenever I cross the street I look one direction and then I pretend to be a squirrel and I go for it. I really like excitement. I dated a short bisexual woman and she said to me I want to tell you something but I don't want you to get upset. Whatever it says is a really good thing. It's really good. She said to me that I eat pussy like a girl. So I've got that going for me. Fuck yeah Bob. Welcome back Bob. It's been a while. I remember you. It's been three years. It's been three years. It's signing up for three years. Iram you've been signing up for three years continuously. It's continuously. And this is your first time on it three years. I just changed my name to Bob and it's fucking people. Wait what do you mean it? What do you mean you what was your name before? It's Robert. Robert. Wow. We went back to Bob. Oh my god you got lucky. This is their first time going back to Bob. Yeah first time. Unbelievable. What are what are the odds? I wish Frank would change his name and not get pulled again. I don't want to be frank with you. What? I can't be frank with you. I love that. You're not frank at all. You have punchlines. You're one of the funniest Native American comedians we've ever had on the show. What ethnicity are you Bob? I'm 100% slalocchi in but my mom lied a lot. Okay. There it is. The squawking eagle means that you are indeed slavocchi. I love eagles. You do? Yeah. What do you love about them? They're at different heights above all the shit. You're the man Bob. Thanks Tony. What do you do for work Bob? I'm a world champion handyman but I'm transferring into a new trade right now. What's the new trade? I'm giving it my fourth try. I'm starting a beverage company. I've failed at it three times and doing my fourth now. What is the beverage that you're making? It's a top secret at the moment but it's it's every form of beverage you can imagine with some twist you'll never imagine. Wow. There's a lot of imagination. Yes. It's every beverage mixed together. Everything you can imagine imaginable. Wow. All right. Pretty stoked. I've been decking out this warehouse for it. I think I'm three weeks out maybe Do you have oompa loompas working for you or anything like that? I have other ultra personalities working. Okay. I love it. I can't wait to drink some. I'll drink to I'll drink. I'll wash down some of that ramen with it first. Are you feeling the ramen a little bit? What do you mean you're smelling it? What do you mean? Have you fart been farted? No, I haven't farted. I have no idea what you're talking about. No, I've not been farting continuously throughout the show. I'm not suffering from food poisoning right now and just plowing through it because I'm an unbelievable host. The adrenaline takes over perhaps every once in a while. No. All right. In any way, my farts smell like hibiscus and eucalyptus by the way. So you don't have to worry about that. Okay. So, uh, Frank, Bob, Bob. Not Frank. I know. You're not Frank. How many times have I called you Frank? Any? Just once. Okay. Perfect. Bob. Bob. What do you, what do you do for work? How do you survive? How do you make money? I can fix or build anything. And uh, so I, what's the craziest thing you've ever built? Uh, I'm trying these petty cab. You built a petty cab? Yeah. I've retrofitted a petty cab with some electric batteries. Okay. Yeah. It's pretty dope. I'll be driving it out next week. You'll see it. You haven't done that yet either. It hasn't been driven yet. Oh, yeah. It has. I drove it today. It's actually just got the battery in today. Do you petty cab? No, God no. Oh, Jesus. All right. Why not? I have other things to do. Like what? I pay quite well. Like what? Like, do you electrical plumbing? Uh, you name it? You do it all, huh? Yeah. Wow. What's your love life? Like, um, it's uh, it's just the, what? It's dry. That's why I like the rain. Okay. Do you have your electrical license? No. All right. No. He's completely on license. This is a guy that's making a beverage with everything mixed together. That's right. Wow. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Bob? You seem how old are you? I have no concept of time. That makes sense. That makes sense. You seem like, you seem like you could have fought in every war that's ever happened. Vietnam, civil, the Mexican Indian War, the command cheese versus the Apaches perhaps. I actually feel that I was a pirate at some point. Really? I have a ship on international waters. And I have Amazon women guarding my ship right now. Wow. But then I change them out every nine months because they're all impregnated after. And then I ship, put them into the homelands and bring in another crew. Wow. Bob, you are amazing. You're so stoic in your delivery. You're such an interesting man. So crisp. As a very crisp delivery, the way you said that was the way you kept your cheekbones up high. I can't help that, Bob. I can't help my cheekbones, Bob. I can't help my cheekbones. Red dance. Red dance. I can't believe a fart noise gets that type of roaring. Just a roaring lap. This is the fan base that I've accumulated. All right, Red Banko. Okay, very good. You know you're not all I'd have two fart noises in episode. Okay. Bob, give us one more fun fact about your life. I shoot for fun. I shoot roadkill. Wow. Yeah, like I go for a leisurely drive and look ahead. There's a dead crow on the side of the street. So I pull out of my car and I look at the crow and it reminds me of my second grade school teacher, Mrs. Crow. She used to pull me out of the chair by my ear and stick me in a corner. So I get out of the car and I shoot Mrs. Crow with my little cannon. I love animals. I shot her. I shot her with a cannon camera. Wow. Bob, you are something else. I love it. Congratulations on getting pulled again. Did you have fun? It was a riot. Thanks Tony. It's great to see you again. Last time I saw you was San Antonio. San Antonio. Yeah, we did it. Killed Tony there. You did a shoulder. I did stand up there. Yeah. And you went to my son. My son. Nice. Yeah, you met my son at that time. I did. Yeah, you did. Okay. Little bear. He remembered you. Yeah. Red band. Well, here's the, here's a big joke book for you, Bob. Just because I like your style. Here you go. Boom. There he is. The return of Bob, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not a lawyer. And neither am I. But this is the deep breath. A podcast where we catch you up on the latest legal drama, whether it's a real housewife caught in a lawsuit, a reality scandal making headlines or a trial the whole country is talking about. We break it down in plain English with facts, commentary and even reactions from our audience. No law degree required. Just your love for pop culture, courtroom tea and a little bit of drama. So join me, Melanie, AKA, I'm not a lawyer, but and me. Goose Bear. Your hosts bringing you all the court and chaos. So grab a drink, settle in and join us every single Friday for the debrief available now on Apple podcast, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcast. All right. It's a real interesting, uh, set a bucket pool so far. Let's see what happens with next with the stylings of Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen, Benny, Benoit's next. Here comes Benny. One more time for Benny Benoit. Hey, what's up guys? It's good to be here. I'm Benny Benoit. That's French. I'm from Louisiana. I'm what you call Louisiana sober. I mean, I drink, I smoke and I fuck my cousins. Now I'm kidding, man. As both of y'all do assume, I got hot cousins. I'm the hottest girl my family's ever produced. If we're being honest, I would never fuck my cousins, dude. I got two sisters in a dog. Why would I, you know? Not in bitches ugly too, but uh, speaking of ugly bitches, when I first moved to Austin, I got hit on by a gay guy. That was nice. He said, he thought that I was hot and I was like, oh, thank you. He goes, yeah, can I get your number? Something I said, no, I'm sorry, man. I'm straightening. He goes, yeah, I bet that's because you never had good dick before. And I thought to myself, you know what? Maybe this isn't my Uber after all. But I figured winning Austin, you know? I've been Benny Benoit. Thank you guys. Benny Benoit I'm making his kill Tony debut, correct? Welcome, welcome. I got pulled once, but I missed my spot. You missed your spot. How did you miss your spot? Well, I had a date who failed to tell me that she was crippled. And so I felt bad. Wait, wait, hold on. You scheduled a date at the same time as you signing up for Kill Tony? Look, it's lonely when you first get here. And when you don't get called for Kill Tony, you spend five hours by yourself if you don't know anybody. Uh-huh. So I invited a Tinder date and I got catfish to say the least. You invited a Tinder date to Shake Spears, the local whole thing. It was holding poor choices. Sure. But you invited her to wear all the comedians and everybody was just waiting around. Yeah. And we, uh, uh, so when you say she was crippled, you got crippled catfished. What? Got the catfish down at cripple creek. Well, so what exactly kind of cripple was she? So she, it was a fat injury. She, she did say that herself. She broke her leg because, you know, the downstairs couldn't support the upstairs basically, but she didn't tell me that she was on crutches. So I thought she was going to be able to walk to the venue and she couldn't. So I felt bad making her cross the street by herself. I went out, came back and everybody was like, dude, where the fuck are you? I was like, so wait, where did you go? Literally across the street, to where? To where? Where? This is across the street from poor choices. Where did you go? The corner, the sidewalk. But why? Why would you go to the corner? She was hobbling along the sidewalk and I felt bad. So I went out, oh my god. Okay. I didn't think in that 15 seconds, my name would get called. Well, that's when it happens. She didn't think that she'd break her leg being a fatty boombalani, but life happens fast. Yeah. So you missed your opportunity while at the exact same time realizing that you were meeting up with a fat crippled lady. And I didn't feel like I was allowed to be mad at her. I feel like that's the worst part. I'm, I'm going to yell at her for something she didn't do. Yes. Yeah. She catfished you and she must have been fat if her legs break. All the pictures were tits up. All the pictures were tits up. It was my fault for believing them honestly. James McCann. Oh, he's from Louisiana. They love catfish. No matter where I come from. Ah, very good. Yeah. Very good. Wow. So the crippling was just a broken leg? Yeah, she, she just had a broken leg. She had a cast? She had a walking boot. That's why I was confused. What are you doing? What not walking on your walking boot? Did was she wearing the boot? She's wearing the boots. So what do you mean? I had crutches. Oh, I got it. And that's why I felt bad. So I, I didn't want to make her. Did you end up? So what'd you end up doing with this lady? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Doss booting over here. Oh, yeah. You had that boot up in the air, didn't you? Look at you. The Subaru saw some action in the backseat that night. Really? The Subaru saw some action in the backseat. I was parked on like red river or something. Oh, my God. That's the car. Did you put the emergency brake on? I'm trading it in tomorrow. The shocks are fucked. Okay. She, she kind of been that big if you fucked her in a Subaru. She wasn't that big. It was more of like the way things were laid out. Okay. A lot of shape. Very top heavy. Right. Right. And then, you know, the whole missing out on Killtony, the whole. She had to. There was a lot of factor stacking up against her. Did you know at that point when you were hooking up with her that you had missed your spot? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This was like after I missed the spot, I was like, well, we might as well get shit face now. Like, what the fuck is the rest of my Monday now? Right. So we just kind of went out and had a few drinks ended up in my backseat. It. So exactly. Take us through exactly what happened in the backseat. I really didn't think we were going to talk about this. Well, there you go. Expect the unexpected Benny Benoit. It was a lot of like, all right, let's do this. And then it was a lot of no, I'm scared. So like, what? Wait, was that you saying you're scared? Yeah. What we said, what were the ideas being proposed that you were scared of? She was really weird about like the fact that we were hooking up on the first date in the backseat of a car. She was not really stoked about that. And I was like, did you rape this poor lady? I promise you I did not. Okay. I was just, I was really focused on the. You want to catfish me? Bitch, I'm showing you. Now you're getting fucked. I miss my goddamn Keltoni for this. No, I was really, I was kind of focused on the fact that I'm definitely never seeing her again. So we might as well get it in while we're here. Wow. Good Lord. You might be the worst man with the last name Benoit. I've ever heard of. Wow, Benny. So you live here in Austin full time. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a pool boy. Oh my God. Look at you. You're just out there fucking everything that moves, aren't you, Benny, Benoit. I've knocked down some questionable creatures. I'm not gonna. I bet. Tell us more about it. What have you done is a pool guy. A lot of, a lot of single moms out there. It's kind of weird. I'm not gonna jeopardize my job for. You're okay, buddy. I'm pretty sure you just admitted to raping a fat cripple. I don't think you can lose your, I don't think you can lose your job as a pool boy on Keltoni. I mean, I'm at like in person with the women. They draw, like I don't know if you've talked to women a lot given. Very good, Benny. You got me there. Very good. You fat fucking. You fat fucker. You really pulled that one back. I liked it. Yeah. But no, I mean like women are very cryptic whenever they drop hints about the pool boy making a move and none of them have been worth losing my job. I get a couple of like tips that I don't deserve here and there and then you know like, oh, I'm alone a lot. It's like me too. I still have a pool to clean. All right. Okay. I did. There was an older lady that I thought was hitting on me, but she turned out to be a multi level marketing like scammer. You got sold on a scheme. No, I didn't fall for that. She had not again. Well, yeah, yeah, that can't happen. It was like promising trips to Hawaii and going out to like lavish dinners and stuff like that. Yeah. She had a time share for you. Yeah. Wow. I was going to have to earn that money myself. Okay. So, Benny, do you have any other special skills or talents before we let you go? Made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago. This guy's afraid of losing his pool boy job. Just admitted to a federal offense. What do you mean you made a chemical bomb? So I got two dogs and where I? It's a weird way to start this. That can't have anything to do with this. No, there's a, you know, I have to take the like the poop bags pretty far away and I'm trying to make it to work, open mics, all that stuff. So I just took a bucket and put some of my chlorine right there and would just put the bags in there. And after a while, it stopped working so good. So I added a pound of some slightly different chlorine. I did not realize that those two were not supposed to be mixed together. And they were fine for like two months. And then that big rain storm we had like two weeks ago filled the bucket with water and it went boom. And wow. So I woke up at like 12 30 in the middle of the night and my dog was on top of me like fucking shaking and I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. It was like, it was a complete disaster. So I jumped out on my balcony to like, so me and my dog could breathe and my neighbor came out freaking out and she's Jewish. So I got really nervous at that point. Right. The fire department showed up. We ended up evacuating. Wow. Shit storm. Yeah, it's something like that. So the chemical bomb just before I let you go. This was like outside on your balcony. It was right outside my front door right. So it all came like underneath my door. So it wasn't there anywhere else you could put the poop bags. I don't know. How big do you think apartments are big enough to have a trash can? No. Well, with a lid, the trash can is inside. If you had a trash can sitting on my front door step, I feel like that'd be it's not as weird as the bucket full of shit and chemicals. Yeah, you are correct about the point there. Benny, I like your style. Very funny. You're a funny man. Welcome to Killtony. Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new regular on the show. Uh, it is absolutely incredible. You guys are going to love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the newest Killtony regular. Write some performs the new minute every single week. This is the dark storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dejric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, man. What you know about waking up in the morning to eat a dry toast of streutal because the night before you got too high and drank all the streutal juice. Not my day, man. What you know about missing your dead best friends so much that you want to talk to them so you go get a Ouija board in the street witch and then you start talking to them all and remember that nigga can't spell good. That's just crazy. I'm 35 years old and then I realized the other day I could fight, but I can't heal. I'm like a reverse woman. We can just got to die after this. I can't. I don't got no ACLs. Now I get why would Jesus was 33? He was like kill me. I like kill me because if you get acid reflux one time, you like nail me to the cross. I was, I'm, I'm blah blah shit. Even God was like, yeah, my son shouldn't be 35. That shit, it shouldn't happen. All right, I'll allow y'all. Deadrick Flynn, the dark storm of Atlanta has arrived yet again. Everything 100% spot on acid reflux is real. I hate it. Shout out toms. Yeah. Toms saved the day. I take two almost every fucking day now. It's a nightmare. It's a little bit. Let's go with our, our, our senior acid reflux correspondent Brian Redban here. Chewable Alcassel sir. I recommend it. It's like a fucking skittles. It's great. Right. Okay. Thank you. Yes. Braykmerz doctor Redban. Yes. Absolutely. So dead. You are the fucking man. Tell these people something about you. We don't know dead. Drick. Oh, man, bro. I'm a big fan of monster truck jam. I fucking love monster trucks. It's like Olympics for red necks. Yeah. But you know, I'm there in the truck. I think it should be in the Olympics. Honestly, if you want to get, I just like to see shit go flip. Yeah. You know, I, and that it mean a lot to my soul. This space suit I got on, and a space suit is from one of my favorite hardcore bands. Oh, but Tweeta bearer to me. I just want to shout that out because I, yeah. You know, I was at because I'm the official captain of the mothership and I'm flying y'all. Yeah. What's the name of the band? The neighbor between the bearer to me. And, and that's like a, are they white? Yeah. Yeah. So they're in a screamo band, man. I can't picture you going to a white band like that. Oh, bro, Masha man. You just said he likes monster trucks. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, he's from Atlanta though. That's like a thing. Yeah, man, that's a mass of dogs from there. Like that's, uh, yeah, Brian, that's my homeboy drummer, master, it's my bad man partner. We we ain't won a game yet, but it's been fun. You played badminton too? Oh, yeah, I do everything fucking cool, Tony. I got a, I do cool shit all the time. I'm just poor. I just, I just, I just, you know, I'm saying theme parts and music parts. I'm in there water slides. I'm in there. You know, I'm saying above ground swimming pools. I'm in there. You know, I'm saying arcades. I'm in there. Uh, pinball holes. I'm in there. God said if they got some fun, I'm in there. I said, if you're going bowling, I'm in there. You go to six flags. I'm in there. And you go to a party. I'm in there. Then he can't be a party. I'm in there. Then he can't be a party. I ain't in there. Thank y'all. God damn it. Good dark storm. I feel touched it. Touch it. What you know about? I'm just playing with you. Oh my god. Wow. I love you. I love you. Oh, that's the archipelago niggas. What's up, die? That's it. Then you're going down the train. I don't know. Y'all know that one. Y'all know that. We did have you hot to know that one. I just made it up. They played the pre-show straight no chase. Probably the best archipelago band of all time. They're on tour. SNCMusic.com on social media at SNC Music. They're unbelievable. You got to see them? I saw them. We was up there chilling them. They had a little, we was up there bopping and jigging. And then I had borrow his shoulder thing to massage. I got a knot out so my shit was real loose. I was out there getting it. They was chucking the job. Y'all the moody center. We're just y'all giving me some tickets to go. My girl like musical theaters. I'm a kiss for pussy that night. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Let's check in with the great Jeff Dye. Do you guys ever sing a Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? That's a good thing. That's the only archipelago song I fucking know. Do you guys do that? Do you want to sing a little bit of it, Jeff? No, I don't want to sing it. I want to hear it. No, don't worry. But we're not going to put them on the Carmen Sandiego spotkey. I don't know. I just want to hear it. Son of a bitch. You are unbelievable. You are perhaps, I mean, you truly are a fucking storm. It is incredible. You come in and you take over every single week. We love you. Thank you. Thanks for the god damn noise to the great and powerful deadrick Flynn ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket. We go. Ooh, la la. That's some noise for Heidi, everybody. Wow. Yes, indeed. Auga indeed. All right, your next bucket pool. We know this one makes some noise for Charlie Shee. Everybody here comes Charlie Shee. Hello, everyone. Here's your daily dose of racism. Sometimes I wonder if Jews wear tiny hats is because they miss having a tip again. And sometimes I wonder if, well, if hip-hop artist likes to hit women because they love to beatbox. But that's the thing with racism, isn't it? It's like, why does it always have to be something for evil? Like, why can't it be something good? Like, um, recently I gave a white guy a ukulele. And now he can't stop playing. But that being said, you know, not being said, racism is a two-way street. I just wish I'm driving on the right side of it. Thank you. Charlie Shee. Welcome back to the show, Charlie. I must have been used my real name, so. Okay. But it's fine. What's your other name? Oh, Chen, you know me. Yes, yes, I know you. Okay. Yeah, you've been on the show multiple times. Yeah, about a year ago, three times. Okay. Okay. Very good. So, how's life been going? It's been doing better. Okay, right, Ben? We get it. There are Asians. Maybe Native American. I mean, I did grow up in New Mexico, so close enough. Okay. All right, there you go. So, Charlie, what's going on in life? I got laid off for five months, and then I was able to find a job three weeks ago. Where did you get laid off from? Oh, I was working for a bank in Canada, and then the tariffs happened, and then US employees are considered to be risks. So, yeah. So, now where do you work? I work for a particular university here in town. You work for what? A university. A university. Yeah. Okay. What do you do at the university? I fix computers. You fix computers. Okay. All right. How's life been going, Charlie? Are you still? Well, yes, I'm still trans. It's just that. Yeah, but, but. Yeah, I mean, you wrote down Charlie today. What are we going? Are we going backwards? No, it's because I had a long day of work. I was on the phone for four hours. You were on. You worked on hold on a second here. This is breaking trans news. Hold on. I didn't know this was possible. But it turns out if you're trans and you work too hard, you go back to the human that you were before. This is the first time we've seen this before. We're always learning about the trans community here. This is interesting. You went from a Pocahontas to Pocazontas. Real quick. Well, Charlie, did you have a broken leg a few months ago by any chance? No, no. Yeah. Yeah, the third leg is alive and well now. Oh, wow. Okay, Charlie. All right. So you worked so hard that you've signed up as Charlie. That's what you're saying. I guess I wasn't all here when I signed up. I'm sorry. No, yeah, I mean, there's no reason to apologize. I find it so interesting. Well, now that I guess the cats out of the bag, so to speak. So yeah, or the dogs out of the bag or something like that. So how's transitioning been going for you? I don't know if you guys can tell, but this used to be Charlie. And now it's Chen. That's my first time on the show. Yeah, I think we're on the show. Yeah. Hello. Nice to meet you again. And you kept the penis. We spoke about that. And you made a joke about it. I mean, being laid off and taking a 30% pick, there's no way to get to the point where I need the money for it. So yeah. Well, I also imagine that would also compromise the week. You know, if you get laid off and then also you have to recover from having a penis cut off, that would be a very bad. I was both dying at that point. What? No, I mean, not? Are you sure they didn't give you a pay cut because you were transitioning into being a woman? Well, when the woman can get paid less. No, because when I told my parents about it, that's the first reaction from my stepfather. But that's what he said, too. Yeah, but it wasn't it because... What ethnicity is your stepfather? Why? And what does he think about all this? He's fine with it, but my mom is angry because he's fine with it. Tell us exactly how your mom who's very Asian? Very, very Asian. Yes. Tell us exactly what she says to you about you transitioning into a woman. She visited about a week or two ago and she pretty much just says that I'm on the wrong path in life and I should reconsider especially with the current government pressure and everything. Wait, what exactly... What is the government pressure exactly? You know, the whole talking point about cracking down on DEI or whatever. But the thing is, I never relied on DEI to be who I am today. So it just felt weird that she's talking like that to me. James, basically... I mean, Asian mothers traditionally really do prefer having sons. So it might be... I don't know if you've seen the statistics on that, but it's very... It's very good that you were born as a man because otherwise you might not be here with us tonight doing stand-up and... Do people not know about that? I'm sorry, I won't make a joke about that. But that's... You don't need DEI. Yeah, I don't rely on... DEIT, maybe. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought that was okay. My fat, I'm a fat person. Do you think your mom loves you, though? There you go. He finally got it off clean, ladies and gentlemen. No, not in that way, but I know that despite her limited capabilities, she's doing her best. You guys are kind of dressed the same tonight. I gotta say, if you look really closely, you can't stop which ones would. It would be mad at her, you know? So, Red Band and Yellow Band up here. This is incredible. Well, people call me Yellow Band because I do soundboard too, but yeah. Where do you do soundboard at? Oh, Shakespeare's. We're after this show. We have an open mic there. Oh, I'm sure these people want another four hours of bullshit open mic after this. Okay, so can I call you Charlie? Sure. What have you been doing with your personal life, Charlie? Tell us more about what you do and you're not performing comedy. Oh, so when I'm not performing comedy, I've been, oh, I picked up new instruments like bass and things like that. Although, I'm better with a piano. And then I also joined a group where we perform every Friday night. And then I played a lot of video games, but and I also look into video development, video game development, such as Unreal 5. I think you're an Asian man. Everything that you say sounds like you're an Asian man. Because I'm in the bass guitar, like an Asian woman plays the violin. Oh, okay. You don't know about this? I mean, I, I guess those Asian bass player ladies are not ladies anymore. No, they're really hot actually when you... Charlie, what do you, what are you fucking nowadays? What's your sex life like? I mean, like I said, I'm in a long distance relationship, so I'm essentially celibate until he visits like three times a year. And that's it. Okay, when's the last time you saw him? Actually, maybe summer break? Summer break. Yeah, before I got laid off. Jeff Dye. I don't think that's called celibate. It's called monogamous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... Yeah, you're not just, yeah. Yeah, I'm just not going... Maybe I'm nitpicking, I don't know. Yeah, I'm not just going around fucking injury thing, I see. Good for you, yeah. You're a good man or lady or whatever the fuck's going on. No, you're honorable. I find this about you. Very nice to your mom about it. You're, you're probably the most reasonable trans person I've ever met. Yeah, we have a few of those fucking show only very reasonable trans people sign up for this show. We're yet to have an unreasonable trans, which is crazy because anytime I'm out there, it's almost always an unreasonable trans. In here for some reason, very reasonable trans. You're the second Asian up here tonight that loves raw men, by the way. That'll fun fact. I mean, luckily I'm not going to have to try yours. Because my butt hurts. That's the talk of someone who has his shit pushed in. Oh, you son of a, you son of a nice lady. A very reasonable woman. Why do you want to be trans instead of like a pretty gay guy with nice tits? Good question, Red Band. A lot of people are expecting Red Band to win a Nobel Prize. The questions that he asks. This one will go down in the history books. Why do you want to be trans when you can be a dude with fat tits? Why won't you be exactly what Red Band wants sexually? Why do you want to have a dungeon when you have those awesome dragons, dude? It's a good question. What makes you feel like a woman? Man, he feels like a woman. The only one that heard that, okay. This is actually a thought I had a while back. And I think it's something like it's unfortunate that you see trans people are closer to straight people. But they keep on lumping us with gay people and we don't know what to do with it. So because we're, we're not going to be talking about gay people. We don't know what to do with it. So because we like somebody of opposite gender most of the time. It's just that we're in the wrong body. It doesn't mean we don't like someone of opposite gender. But you guys lump us with gay people and then we are like, oh. Well, I mean, are you pivoting to homophobia? Well, I just put it up in two. I just like you might be like, that lump I see in with these. Yeah, people over there. Well, I do. It's not a bad strategy. The trans are making a move. What an unbelievable move. Trans people, I think I can. Oh my god. This is incredible. When you hear that train horn, you know. Repent things that says train. I guess what I'm trying to say is. Repent's not the best spell. It's like train horn. I've been waiting at this set of it forever. Incredible. You have it turned out. Not all trans people are gay. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Okay, but when you're but fucking your boyfriend with your dick, you must understand why you're clumped with gay guys, right? You don't butt, you take the, you wait, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I take care. I don't. What do you do with your thing? Women, we stumped. Oh, jeez. We stumped it. You know, hard it is to stump an Asian boy with an easy question. In the classroom, you guys rattle it right off. Ah, man. Most of the time, I don't do anything with it. You don't do anything. You don't like to come. I do love to come. What makes you come? What's this? A good fucking, okay? I mean, I'm so nice to get. I like the kind of good. Kings where the hips meets the butt. It feels like he's slapping me while he's thrusting. Okay? It's great. Yeah. I don't know why people clumpy with the gaze. There's nothing I love more than getting butt so hard that it feels like dude's beating me up during it. Anyway, not gay at all. during it. Anyway, not get it all. Totally just Charlie getting butt. By it did. Why do you clump me with the gaze? America's come a long way since Johnny Carson. You know what I'm saying? Johnny Carson used to sit in a suit and tie and have a nice conversation with the moves so we're so we're Charlie. Yeah. Yeah. Let's all leave a little something to the imagination. That's all I've said. Wow. Wow. Nothing beats a gentle gentle. Well, Charlie, I like your style. Great interviews always. The minute you know, you went with it. You committed to racism. It was good. It was okay. It's fun, you know. But really the interview, you just crush. You're such an interesting person. Thank you. Whatever you are, you're interesting. Here's another big joke book. There you go. Catch his like a man. Catch his like a man. Right off his tits. That's right off his tits. They're tits. They're tits. It's tits. Speaking of real tits, there's the lovely idea, everybody. So real. Yeah. Oh, real tits. Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. If you want to save a few quid, British gas have a way. You get half price leaky and it's called peak save. On every Sunday, it's the smart thing to do. If you're regular folk or furry and blue. 11 till 4, let the good times begin. You could charge up the car or take the dryer for a spin. Half price electricity. What joy that brings with British gas peak save. We're taking care of things. Tis and C supply eligible tariff and smart meter required. Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just... Speaking into the void. But with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. A network of 130 million of them, in fact. You can even target buyers by job title industry company roles, seniority skills, company revenue. And did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. Spend 200 pounds on your first campaign and get a 200 pound credit for the next one. Go to LinkedIn.com slash lead to claim your offer. Terms and conditions apply. All right. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Asher Casson, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Asher Casson. I was on a date with this girl and she started talking about her ex. And I know where she started talking about his dick. And for some reason, she felt called to mention... He wasn't even that big. He was like, maybe your size. And yeah, that's not the fucked up part. See, the fucked up part was she said this during the move, the previews. So I got to sit through Twilight now while I'm thinking about this shit the whole time. Okay. It's fucked up so much for the whole I cut in the bottom of this popcorn bucket. You know what I mean? I guess we're not using that anymore. I got to walk down from Il J just trickling little kernels the whole fucking way down. Pist off. Okay. I ended that date and I went home and I did the old fashioned confidence booster fellows. You know where you measure it up against the TV remote. This is like 2012 though, okay. So it's like the big ass con cast remote. I don't even reach the guide button. I start fluffing it, trying to get every inch I can. Next thing I know, Disney channels on. I got my weener out. It's not good. Kids these days are lucky though. They got Roku remotes. Roku remote. Have you feel a real confident? I'm Ashley Kassen. Thank you guys very much. Asher. Kassen. Welcome, Asher. Thank you. How long have you been on stand up? Just about a year. Just about a year. We're at. L.A. All of it in L.A. that you still live there? Yep. 100%. I drove out for this. You're born and raised in L.A.? I was born in Seattle but lived in L.A. my whole life. Perfect. Amazing. What do you do for work? I just got fired actually. From what job? I worked out a place called Nutra Shop. I like so protein powders, vitamins, stuff like that. Why they fire you? Because of this. Actually, I drove or excuse me. I flew out the first time. I called the time off. I didn't make it back in time and they said, you know, we're firing you. But that was two weeks ago. Okay. Yeah. How many times have you signed up for the show? Just twice. This is my second time. Nice. Okay. So, Asher, I'm going to ask the question that everybody wants to know here. Yes. How big is that dick? I mean, you know, every good joke's got a little bit of truth to it. Small bit. But, you know, it's a solid six, I think. Solid six. A high-do you have a tape measure over there? Yeah, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. And this was your ex-girlfriend? Or is it... No, it was just a girl I was talking to at the time. You have a girlfriend now? I do. What does she do? Are you making her up as I ask you questions? Well, I'm in a transition. Okay. So... So, it was the last comedian. Yeah. No. My last... My last girlfriend just left me. Yeah. You hit the Trann horn button. Your last girlfriend left you. Why'd she leave you? It was because I had a porn addiction. Oh, okay. What type of porn are you watching? Black. Okay. Black porn, for sure. What is it about black porn that you love? This entertain like they talk during sex. I didn't know, as a Caucasian, I was allowed to do that. What are some of the things that they say that you like? Just give me a little spotlight here, Kino. Woo! Tell me this Dremons, pussy. I like that one. Oh, okay. Okay. Another one. You can take all of it quit running. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. I like that. Okay. I haven't had a chance to use it myself, but... Wow. I have something that I use though. What do you use? Someone called PETA, because I'm killing this pussy. PETA. PETA, but... PETA, like the... Oh, it's actually a cat, goddammit. Are you free-styling during the sex intercourse now? Yeah. Yeah. Whatever happened to a good old fashioned kiss on the cheek, and I love your baby. Yeah. That's gay. Wow, yeah. Gay? Yeah. That's really gay. And don't run away. You can take all this dick. That's not gay. Yeah, but you're the one saying it, and you sound like that. You say, when a black dude says it, it's different. Yeah, it's fine. Say it. How dare you come here and question how black I am. Don't you know this is J. Monz pussy? LAUGHTER Oh, my tea is boiling right now. What do you say, James? Oh, my crocodile's hunting. Oh, I have one to didgeridoo you all night. LAUGHTER We have a beautiful sex life, my wife and I. We connect emotionally and physically. You should try it. I'm not going to go home and jump on top of my wife and start giving her one-liners black pornography. We don't need that. We have three children. We're just having to get any time together at all. We don't need to spruce it up with some open mic comedy. If you want to make a fourth teller, then it's J. Monz pussy. Fun fact, if you teller, it's J. Monz pussy. When you make the fourth child, you're allowed to leave. LAUGHTER J. Monz ain't sticking around to raise the child. Wow. Is there anything else other than the talking that you find about black porn? I mean, you know, the size is pretty cool. That's interesting. Yeah. Of the penis. Yeah. Yeah. Well, clarify. Yeah. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. So, Asher, you lost your job. You're now unemployed. What's your big plan? I just recently applied to vans at the mall just something to keep me, you know. Yeah. LAUGHTER Let me tell you, I reckon you could get that job at vans at the mall. That being to that van in Austin? No, in Santa Clarita in California. Oh, I don't have a mean to that one. But the van's in Austin at the mall, terrible service. Really? Some of the worst shoe... I tell you, if you want to move to Austin, you get undown to that mall and try one of those shoe shops. Is these people? I say that with love and respect. No, no, no, no, why? These people are some of the worst shoe shop employees I've ever encountered. I go in this damn shoe shop. I say, I need a size 12 of this, and they come back and they go, well, we've got a size 11 and a size 13. I say, well, that's not good for me. Yeah. So, this is the most important part. That's what his next girlfriend said. Yeah. Right here. You know, it was black, too. Really? Yeah. Wow. And we have a kid together. Oh, hell no. Oh, my God. You made a baby? A black one. You made a black baby? Yup. Oh, my God. That's why we separated. He needs the black experience. Wow. Alright, I'm sorry. You made a black baby and your name is Asher. Asher made an Ashi? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. That is incredible. How old is this black baby? Um, he's just creeped over a year. He's like a year like a year. Why'd you have to say creep like that? Why'd you say it like he's plotting and planning something? He's just creeping over a year? That's Pikachu. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. That is absolutely incredible. Is that why you want to work at a shoes door? No. Well, my actual job is I produce a comedy show at the ice house. But that's, you know, once a month and it's not sustainable all the time. Of course. So how often do you get to see this a little black baby? I mean, like, is that a picture of him on your shirt? This is Darth Vader. I know it's Darth Vader. I'm making a joke about it having a black, it's black. Darth Vader's black. Yeah. For those of you that don't know. Yeah. I am your father. And I'm leaving now. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Okay. It did happen and so. Yeah. He did abandon his child. And Luke turned out great. Yes, he did. That is true. It is true. And he. Oh, okay. I mean, he didn't turn that right for Darth Vader. I'll be honest, but. Yeah. He's on, anyway, he's sky walked out of his life. You got Star Wars jokes over here. Alright. So. Do you only hook up with black women? No, my current girlfriend's white. Oh, wow. What made you make the change? She. She. She. She's. She's. She's. She's. She's pretty thick. Ah. Like I'm a little bit. My goodness. Around. There's some real. Hood traits. Do you like thick white women? I've been told that. What else? What do you think's the blackest thing about you? We know it's not your penis. Yeah. No. Probably my black scent. I've been trying to get rid of it, but it's here. You hang around a lot of black people. Yeah, a lot because I see my mom. She did like drugs. Uh-huh. Yeah. She did heroin when she was pregnant with me. Whoa. I got Exema now. So that's fuck. Oh, shit. Wow. Nope. Wow. Exema is your baby mama's name? No. Exema. Drankins per heart. Finkie's daughter. Wow. Yeah. I was told this would be good for my career. Wow. This is so, so interesting. So your mom did heroin, so that forced you to have a lot of black friends growing up. Yeah. Well, I mean, when you say it in that order, it sounds like I'm making... How old are you? I am 23. 23. Yeah. My goodness. One of the oldest people to ever apply for a job at a van store. Um, this is incredible. If the van's doesn't hire you, what is your next maneuver? Um, I was gonna full dive into comedy. That's the reason why I started producing is actually because your advice to people is produce a show. Control your own stage time. Right. So I was gonna just dive full on into that. Well, you know, as much as you've hung around black people, I wouldn't recommend diving into much of anything. Find yourself drowning. There might need to be a lifeguard there. Yes. Can you swim? Yeah, not well though. Right. Yeah. Okay, so you're 23. You might want to... Okay, diving all the way into comedy, I didn't dive all the way in when I was 23. And I started at 22 like you. I was hustling for a couple of few years there. Um, so what's your actual next plan? If the van's doesn't hire you, you're gonna have to make some money. You have you to take care of. You have a child to take care of. Are you giving money to the baby mama? Yeah, every month I give her. I'm not on child support. I just... That's my kid. I gotta take care of my kid. You're damn right. Yes, that's good. Cuts me some white guy. Yeah. But, um, I used to detail cars. I know how to detail cars. I would go back to door to door trying to, you know, wash people's cars. Wow. Okay, very good. Wow. All right, Ash, or anything else crazy? We should know about you. You know, you have any special skills or talents? So, you know, on a rap at all, you a white rapper? No, I used to play basketball. I played basketball overseas in Puerto Rico. Really? Yeah. Overseas. It was like... Some... Some of the pounds ago, like, yeah. Oh, wow. There's a sea, like, it's American territory, but I play it. You know what I mean? Oh, oh. Oversteer. Water. Yeah. So, what was your basketball career like in Puerto Rico? Oh, it wasn't good. I was the only white. Yeah, but I was there. My name was on the roster. Wow. I had one good game of, like, 30. You had 30 points? No, I had one good game out of 30. I had like eight points. Gotcha. But I was throwing those assists. Right. Right. Yes. Absolutely. Anything else other than basketball, comedy? I mean, gambling? I love to gamble. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not the best for my current situation, but I stopped over at a... That little place underneath sunset, they got, like, some slots back there, and I played $20 before I stepped on stage. You do? Yeah, you didn't know that? Yeah, there's slot machines underneath their comedy. For comedy, for real. Yeah. They're right next to the bathroom of main chicks. I spent 20, and I won, like, up to 30, and then I blew it all all off. Yeah. But I only played 20. That's good. Ever play with more than your willing to lose. That's right. James McCann. Ashley, you're saying a lot of things that are making me scared for your future and the future of your child. But I believe in you. You've got a good energy. Thank you. Absolutely. Asher. I wasn't going to say anything, but you asked me, and I... You know what? Look, comedy takes a long time to get going. Yeah. And kids have expensive really quickly. Oh, yeah. I know. What's the most expensive thing that your kid has contributed so far? Like, uh, like, uh, that you've had to pay for any... It's really just the... The buildup of diapers and the food and everything. No one item is that expensive. What is your baby like to eat? What is he eating? I mean, baby food. What flavor... What flavor, baby food? I like... Again, I'm not that much in his life. I have no idea. You don't know what type of food he eats? No. I just give her the money and she buys it. You don't ever see the kid? All the time. I don't feed him. She feeds him. You've never had the urge to... De-Madness is loving this right now. I think he just tried to choke you there for a second. I think he tried to rape... I've seen him get fed. Uh-huh. Been there. Mike. I love my son. You paying me out to be a villain? Did you give him a white name or a black name? I named him after my grandpa. What's your good? Demetrius? No, it's Italian. It's Rocco. Oh, okay. Yeah. I could see why that would work. Yeah. He doesn't look black at all. He looks like Filipino. Like, I don't know how. It's not hidden because you can't see him, but yeah. He's Filipino. Whoa. Did you talk to your wife about this? Did your wife know that you consider your son Filipino? I don't have a wife, but... Right, your baby mama. Yeah, no. Yeah, and she hates it. She's like, stop talking about our son like that. And I'm like, he looks fucking Filipino. You know, if they ever bring that Mori Povic show, that could be a good way to get some money. Yeah. I can see you doing the dance. Who's Mori Povic, though? I don't know. It was a little bit before your time. I'm sorry. It was a little bit before your time. Six, seven years ago. You kids don't know. Oh, the crowd's turning on. I'm quick, folks. This is a very pro-Mori crowd here. Ashur, Casson. Congratulations. Thanks, Fun Times. There he goes. Ashur, Casson. Thank you. You guys have fun out there. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Josh Canada. Everybody here comes Josh Canada. All right. Thanks. Thanks. I'm having a great month right now. I actually is odd timing, but I just celebrated two years of marriage. So that was fucking dope. Oh, thank you. Thank you guys. It's a weird time in our marriage. Because we were talking. I wanted to go see the new Superman movie. It just came out on HBO. I was explaining. It's really interesting because they changed directors. They're like revamping the universe. She asked me, how long do you want me to pretend to care about this? That's a new level of honesty. I didn't know that I didn't want. You know what I'm saying? But I did see the new Superman. It was pretty good. If you want to see it, I'm hearing a lot of people say, but I did see the new Superman. It was pretty good. If you want to see it, I'm hearing a lot of weird stuff about it. People are like, there's one nation, right? That's like oppressing another nation. And it's an analogy for like Israel Palestine. But if you want to see the movie, that's not at all true. It's not. And I know that because in the movie, Lois Lane is a reporter and she lived the whole time. So. That's right. Thanks. That's my time. I'm pretty sure. Hey, Josh Canada. All right, Josh. How long you been on comedy? Coming up on two years. Two years. Okay. And where are you at? Colorado, mostly. Colorado. Yeah. Okay. How's it going there in Colorado? Is it better than it just went here? Yeah. I moved here in March. And yeah, usually. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm between jobs, but looking for a barista gig right now. Looking for a barista gig. This might be the fanciest unemployed crew of comedians ever pulled out of the bucket. A lot of people hopeful for jobs taken by 15-year-olds. Damn, I'm not fair enough. Was that your best minute of comedy? You think? Definitely not, but yeah, it was what it was. You know what I want to do? You know what I'm thinking? I want to do here. I want to check in. I want to check in with our friends straight, no chaser over here. Can you light them up real quick? Guys, what did you guys think about that performance? If you don't mind. If you don't mind. We're here on Kill Tony. That set was not funny. You shouldn't quit your day job. I rather hear bags and boxes. And we are straight, no chaser. That's straight, no chaser over there, ladies and gentlemen. Just checking in. Just enjoying the show over there. No big deal. How does that make you feel? Have you ever been demolished by a nine-person acapella group before? Have you ever had your soul taken? With such great tone and rhythm? No, that was new. Yeah, it feels good. It's unbelievable from my angle. I got to tie. I think I had the best scene in the house for this. They're just loving it. Look at the smiles on these guys' faces. They all seem like the nicest guys, but they are loving just destroying you right now. Let's check him a Jeff die. I felt like that was a little out of character for the acapella guy. Yeah, it was. Also, he seems like a nice guy. Why didn't you do it for all those other fuckers? Well, I mean, I couldn't have. Why this one? I couldn't have him do it for the trans or the... Yeah, I missed it on Frank. You guys remember Frank was rough, but it was Frank's second time, and this guy's been doing it two years, so it really works for you. Because you've really had a lot of time to practice. This means more to you than it did for Frank. Josh, let's talk about it. It meant so much to Frank. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything, Josh? Like I said, I was living in Colorado, so I loved to snowboard. Yeah, I got really into like pit grilling, which was a lot of fun. But what is it like smoking meat and stuff? Yeah, rock and roll, dude. Fuck yeah, smoking meat. Fuck yeah, dude. Snowboarding and smoking meat, dude. Yeah, dude, fuck yeah, dude. When I'm not snowboarding, I'm not that smoking meat. Fuck it. Have you got to send this and you fucking super bad mood in it? All right. Okay. Josh, when you do stand up, what else do you talk about? When you're not talking about the Superman movie? It's a 60-second setup for the lowest journalist survivor, thank you. Fair enough. Yeah, I talk a lot. My dad's from Mexico, and yeah, I talk a lot about dad's funny, because I don't, people tell me I don't like look Mexican or sound Mexican. Right. And your last name is Canada. Yeah, that's your dad's last name? It's, so it's Canyada. It's a CAO. Oh, I do see an accent, Mark, there. I thought you drew like a funny mustache above it or something. But which I guess works both ways. It's just an end with like that weird ass sombrero. Yeah, it's a good time. Canyada. Yeah. Wow. My God. That's a name that makes you want to close down all the borders. Yeah, no, ever since the election of mine going by Canada, which is better for some reason. It's a good time. Amazing. Amazing, Josh. Okay. So let's try this again. You've been doing it two years. I don't want you to, after, there was something. I didn't think the Acapella group was going to let you up quite that hard. I feel, even I feel kind of bad. Even me, a writer of like 13 comedy central roasts. Right. I mean, I do this every week. There's something about being told, you're not funny in which I'm like, oh, God, that is as icy cold as it gets. Just nine guys hitting different notes and making it sound beautifully perfect. So I'm going to give you one chance here to redeem yourself. Two years in the game, I want you to do your best joke right now. Like a little quick, fast little like baboo. All right. Move the mic stand out of the way. Move the mic stand. All right. I think mental health is important. Just because, you know, depressed people are so annoying. It's like, it over, you know what I mean? And I'm not trying to like make light of suicidal people either, you know, because that's very serious, you know, with suicidal people. It's never who you want it to be, you know what I'm saying? Still not funny. Oh, gosh. My sweet, sweet, Josh. Do you have any other special skills or talents? I've been snowboarding and smoking meats. Oh, geez, man. Fuck it, I'm a fucking, a girl in a pit. I'm a girl in a pig. They all are not at it. Awesome. Yeah. I still like to act a lot. That was a lot of fun. So that was, you know, something I enjoyed doing kind of before COVID. Do you live here now? Yeah. Okay. Well, Josh, you know, we need you to sign up again sometime, Josh. Okay. In the meanwhile, what do you got there? What are you taking out? Here is a, here's a little joke book. It wasn't a great day, Josh. It gets better. Sometimes the story, sometimes people grow on this. Appreciate you, man. Thank you. One more time for Josh. Kenyatta, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be back. Ian Quentin. He'll come back. He's just got a fucking smoke some meats. He'll be back. All right. Well, what an episode it's been. How could we forget it? It started with Kansai Yusuta feeding me ramen. Uh, Dedric Flynn, absolutely destroying from the middle position. We've seen a lot since then. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And if you ask me, it is with the reigning, defending record holder. For all time appearances and all time interviews. He's a kiltoni hola-famer. That God himself said, I love that, man. Somebody will call him the vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Tijuana Tarantula. The Bernie Bush. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine. The one and only lights out William Montgomery. Remember when you could wish COVID on your worst enemy and it meant something? I'm Donnie, and by the way, I hope I'm pronouncing that right, so I don't get jihadied after the show. With just elected mayor and conservatives are pissed. Meanwhile, my ass is handing out hitchhiking directions to the Austin Homeless Population. You're free! Go live in prosperity! Hey, Red Band, kiss me if I'm wrong, but if you blow bubbles, can that spread hepatitis? Tesla shareholders approved a trillion dollar pay package for Elon Musk. That lucky son of a bitch is going to be able to retire at 55! Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Lights out Montgomery. Has done it? Again, I gotta tell you, William, I think we should just jump right into it. Right? You went a little viral this week. I think everybody saw it. It's like a big deal. You want to talk about it, William? Donnie, I'm just going to use the word exciting. It was the most exciting show I've done years. Not even kidding. I did this some festival, little festival here in Austin, and I'm doing 25 minutes, and within the first two minutes, some random person joins me on stage. He gets right beside me, think I didn't have a gun or a knife, or he would have killed me. He was standing right beside me, and he asked for the microphone, and I'm just confused. I don't know what's going on, so I do the microphone to him. And he's like, you're garbage. This is garbage. So that's a really good tone for the other 23 minutes I had to do after that fucking guy. I'm literally, people, this hasn't happened. And towards the end of it, thank God I was able to just kind of relax and try to appreciate everything, but it was a whole bunch of kill yourself. Get off the fucking stage. Where are the tomatoes? That's one that hurt me the most. Some idiot kept on yelling, where are the tomatoes? But I had to power through, because I'm like, oh my God, I have to get paid. I have to do the time. So I had to do it, but it was scary. But in the first 30 seconds, I could tell it wasn't going to go great, and then the guy joins me on stage. And I didn't know who Morgan J was, but I learned a couple things this weekend. I really did. And one of the things is just see who the headliner person is. And it was a guy named Morgan J, and I never met the guy. He was very nice. He came up to me and he said hello. But I guess his whole thing is, is he does the auto tune microphone and does crowd work the whole time? He goes out into the crowd. So it's a little different than the comedy that I do. Yes. Without a family night and day different than what I did. There's a lot of his fans, I think. It could have been worse. You could have had an aqua pullaband tell you they did shit. Yeah. If the whole line was... That's a whole lot of people. I don't get it. Don't mess. I'm kidding. I know that would have been bad. That would have been bad. That would have been bad. And let's be clear here that your comedy style doesn't go that bad. Ever. Never. It's impossible because you... The general headline in your own shows, people come out to see you. And sometimes you're on some of my shows in which everybody knows you. And for this festival, you were paid a very handsome amount of money to do a gig that you normally wouldn't do because you normally... Let's just be honest, you normally don't perform in your hometown very often. You work very often. You love making vast sums of money for your art. And which... Saying that. But you do. I mean, this... It gets artin' all the way up. Yeah. It's gonna be as good as this year, Tony. Well, yeah, because you're... Yeah, okay. Yep. Okay. Let me just plow through what I'm saying here for a second. Oh, no, you go ahead, James. I was gonna say, I think after that video tickets might turn around. I think, honestly, that was a big viral thing and people are gonna want to do that again. And that's quite scary, but financially, that's good. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, he's a lot without a doubt. We all love it. The Killtony fans love it because the jokes are rock solid. But, yeah, I do my Paul Walker, Paul Crash, or joke. And it is an authorious boo! Just this barrage of booze. They came, so they love Paul Walker. I guess the Morgan James fans love Paul Walker. I had no idea. See, if I knew that, I wouldn't have done that joke. And there were other jokes, too, that I wouldn't have done. I don't know if there's any way to say this without being slightly political, right? But, guys like that, that literally kind of like saying about that, like very... Talk about Indian guys? No. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I mean, the guy, you know, I mean, it's funny to... There's Killtony fans, right? And then there's... Oh my gosh, you see Mondefile's watching his videos. And first I was confused because it was like, oh my gosh, what's going on? Where's the jokes? But then I'm watching him, I'm like, oh, this is funny. Right. It was funny. Yes. It was. There's one thing where it's the older guy sitting next to a young kid. And he's like, how do you know this good? And that made me laugh, because it's like... And then the guy's like, oh, it's my cousin. And it's like, oh my gosh. And it's an author, too. And he's like, that's your cousin. And that's your... Yeah. And like, so that fan base that this guy has built is let's just say, very, very clean, right? Very clean, not anything of any like, you know... It's woke church shit, pretty much. Well, I mean, you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, he was real nice to me. I'm not saying anything bad about him. Why don't we do this? Why don't you describe what the audience was like? If you could describe what you were looking at out there, what did it look like to you? Mainly Hispanic people. No, I can't. I can't. Okay. But yeah, no. It seemed like a lot of Hispanic people, but in the past... What did you tell Serbian wonderful night? What did you tell me on the phone when I called you... Love it. ...when I called you to make sure you weren't going to kill yourself. What... How did you describe the audience to me? Do you remember? They looked very... Non... Oh, non-binary. Non-binary. Right. And I say that. Oh, and seriously, and that's just a descriptor. It means not that I don't care one way or the other. But for the record... Look, you're not going to... You're not going to win them back now, will you? No, I'm not trying to say I don't give a shit, but for the record when I'm going to the person, a slut, and a bitch, that was a non-binary looking fucking... Nasty-looking bitch! Now it's fucking for my death, literally saying kill yourself. And I feel weird, Tony, because I literally see a hundred cameras up there, so I'm like, uh, this is awkward. Because it's like I got to try to defend myself a little, I guess. Because it's all the people, but it's all these idiots filming, and it's, I don't know. Right. So I just powered through it. But it's just a different type of... Like the joke. A different type of audience. It happens. Yes, and it was scary. It scared me a little bit. There's people that if I, if I was in that spot, it would have been the same thing. Like there's certain audiences that literally, perhaps have never seen a real comedy show before. They see someone that's famous on Instagram, they go, and they just want to see them sing auto-tune crowd work. You know what I mean? And you're up there doing actual jokes. I bet you win at the... I bet you didn't see a single corn t-shirt or an Ozzy Osborne t-shirt. Right? Like you do out here. It's a little bit different of a crowd. Correct, yes. Very totally an agreeance on that. Right. So what did you, what did you learn from this experience? William. Yeah. Yeah, let's play a little clip. Red Band has a little clip. Get him out of here! Holy shit! What the fuck did you just say to me bitch? Don't throw a bit! Yikes! Wow, so that's a... That's a little bit... Yeah, yeah. When we get that one. We have a little bit more. Hold on, let's play a little bit more. This is playing well in this room. Oh, that's a flavour. So I started taking weed via agri, but the only problem is whenever I smoke it, my eyes get hard. It's... It's KING, you all just need a buckling, because I... Zero laughter. Zero laughter. And there's a lot of people, hundreds. In fact, booze. It was not only not laughter, it was also booze. Wow. Like the entire time. Crazy that your jokes destroy here and get booze there. My recommendation is they should have, perhaps, Frank open up for Morgan J. Next time, because he gets booze here, maybe he would get big laughs there. Maybe Frank is third appearance ever. He should make thousands and thousands of dollars to do 25 minutes. All right. William, you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost? Thank you. I don't know. It's the... Munchoro, I'm on. Oh. No, it's... Yeah, well, I've been able to do the Rome machine in two weeks. It's very sad I'm getting into a weird thing. God, after that said in the past, if it was when I was... Sorry, I was looking at your bosoms for a second. Oh my gosh. See, really, as I'm out there, I'm kidding. Those are big. Yeah, those are huge. Uh... Those are... Those are giant bosoms. What was I talking about? I don't even remember what I was talking about. Wait, seriously, what was I talking about? I'm not being meaner in... What was I talking about, though? Oh, yeah. No, after the... after the said, normally, if it was when I was drinking and doing cocaine, I would have gotten all fucked up, but I just ate a large Papa John stuff, cross pizza. So I'm doing better. Wow. What did you have on your Papa John's large stuff? Just a little sausage! Don't! What else? What else was on the pizza? It was just sausage. Oh, well, uh... You did it again, William Montgomery. You might get Boots and Silence other places, but here he is, beloved. Guys... Let's see what Ryan J. E. Belt drew tonight during this... Wow, look at that. That's James McCann and Jeff Dye. RyanJ.E. Belt.com for those Prince, Chris Rogers. What do you draw tonight? Oh, shit! The new regular dead-drick Flynn over there. Guys, how loud can this place get for our guests? James McCann, whose new book... Book of Poem... Desquieting levels of egg is on Amazon right now. His special is a wild hit on YouTube. Black Israelite, he has the James McCann, Katamaran podcast. James McCann. Don't forget that new book of poems, Desquieting levels of egg! There you go. You've forgotten a bit. They love poems this crowd, perhaps? Perhaps Morgan J. can tweet about it. I think after that, what are you doing, crowd? They're gonna love poems. They're gonna love it. Those people are sick and disgusting. Can I say? Fuck them? I love you! That's right. James McCann, ladies and gentlemen. Chip Dye is on tour at ChipDye.com, he has the new Die Hard pod. Thank you, Chip. Thanks for having me. How about one more time for a straight-no-chaser over there? Their pre-show performance was unbelievable. Love the cameo during the show. SNCMusic.com. They're on tour everywhere. Follow them on social media at SNC Music. They are unbelievable. Thank you to Talkspace, Zypacruder, and Tacobas. HeidiVirginna.com, RyanJeebelt.com, red band. Check out my fake band. I got a couple new songs, Capred 7 on YouTube, Capred Music. Love you guys. That is AI Music for those of you that literally will listen to anything. He's got a new AI thing. It's my poetry, Tony. That's right. It's really amazing. If you love anything, you will love Capred Music. Whiskey hole. Check it out. Yeah. All right. Have a one more time for the best standband in all the land. Live audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Add simply health. We know that workplace health care can feel like. We're currently experiencing a high core volume and you're in a queue. But now's the time to untangle it and go from inaccessible health to simply health. 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