There's somebody who's listening to this right now and needs to have a conversation that they've been avoiding and I'm going to tell you and The point of this episode is if you're choosing not to have the conversation then you're choosing the result that you're getting There's not going to be some aha moment in this episode what this episode is going to give you is a perspective and the courage To say the thing that you've been avoiding that angst that thought that you want to say something in all of a sudden It just makes your stomach churn. I have had difficult conversations Like you so many times in my life in the perspective that I'm going to give you is one that I use every day when I have to give hard Advice I need to give a hard truth to my legal clients or I need to say something to a judge or to a jury And there's a process in which I Go through in my mind that I want to share with you. So listening to this episode is going to give you the I mean, I want to put some air in in your balloon. I want to put some air in your lungs That's going to encourage you today all that more coming up Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation The one that changes everything wherever you're listening It would mean a great deal to me that if you would press the button that says Subscribe press the buttons that says subscribe or like or comment What it does is tell wherever you're listening that this is good quality content and that's my promise that wherever you're listening If you if you listen to these episodes and subscribe, I'm going to make you a better communicator. Thank you very much Before we keep going I want to take a moment to tell you about cozy earth Not only is cozy earth one of my favorite sponsors of this podcast I'm also wearing their shoes their house shoes in particular right at this very moment That's how much I like cozy earth not only do I like their house shoes which Sierra's like my wife is like hey You know you have other shoes you can wear. I'm like, I bet they're so cozy is the towels. All right They come in blanket size sheets. I'm not talking like your ordinary hotel size like it's really dry my body size I'm talking and taller than me over six foot towel that you just wrap up your body And if you want a secret sauce Throw those bad boys into the dryer and get them nice and hot or if you have a towel warmer if you're real fancy And just be prepared to be enveloped in some warm cozy goodness I can't get enough of cozy earth here in our household. We love them as a gift We love them for our own home and I know you're gonna enjoy it for years. They have a 100 night sleep Trial as well as a seven-year warranty, which is just incredible. So how can you possibly go wrong? Go to cozy earth comm slash Jefferson use the coach ever sin to get up to 20% off That's cozy earth comm slash Jefferson use the coach ever sin for 20% off and now let's keep going. It's a hard thing Knowing that you want to say something And all of a sudden you feel it in your in your body just something pressing against you that goes I don't want to say that I need to say something but I can't What are what are some categories of things that we often avoid and maybe that's you right now? Listening one is boundaries say hey, I'm not okay with how things are and I need to I need to to to Put up a boundary a wall. I need to draw a path here to do something else Maybe it is something sensitive and hard like hard news something that's going to be sensitive to talk about because There's a lot of places where you can get burned if it doesn't go right. The other is the truth That to me is probably one of the hardest ones the truth It is absolutely true that the truth will set you free and many times there are things that even listening you think man If I shared that with somebody They wouldn't that would change everything that would change everything if I actually told somebody the truth Let me give you what I have learned in my own life By avoiding the conversation You are Changing the relationship. Let me say that differently people think That the natural default is oh well if I tell them this If I have the conversation, I'm gonna change the relationship. It's it's it's backwards Are you avoiding it is changing the relationship? Because now you're not allowing them to live in the reality of the relationship Instead you're just allowing them to continue to exist in this alternate reality that you now have a truth a Reality of what's really happening in your life that you're not choosing the share and here They are living in the alternate the multiverse Because you can't get it out you haven't gotten it out and I know Trust me. I know that is way easier said than done So if it is you with boundaries or hard things and change or something that you know just even listening to me You're you're feeling nauseous in your stomach because there's a truth that you need to get out By avoiding the conversation you are choosing to accept the result of it and maybe you go. Yeah, Jefferson That sounds great. I'm just gonna continue to live in in this. I'm gonna I'm okay with living in this result if that's you I'm going to Push you a little bit Alright, I'm gonna push you a little bit in the same way. I'd want myself to be Pushed and that there is a fine amount of time that you're gonna be on This earth like everybody else and I would much rather you live in the truth in the reality of what is Rather than living in the yeah, it would have been nice ifs and so How do we start to compartmentalize us into some sections that are workable for you? I'm gonna give you my mindset when I go into a difficult conversation When I am about to have to deliver hard news to somebody or give them the truth I usually have the mindset of they want me to tell them this even if it's hard They're going to want me to tell them this but if I put myself in the position of On the on the opposite end of the chain Of knowing that hard news is about to come to me. I want to know it I want to know it like when somebody goes you want the good news or the bad news What do we almost always say typically just give me the bad news first? I need that anxiety out of my life What do I don't know ignorance is bliss that that all that mentality is I need to know the information That's going to affect my life And so if I get in my head that I'm about to have a hard talk with the client Maybe it's that they don't have a case Maybe it's that the case law now that we've done some legal research. It's not in their favor They're probably gonna lose the case or I need to give a percentage of hate like if you want to move forward this you have about a 69% shot of The court and maybe if we go to an appellate court and we submit this and we argue this Then maybe so but I have to give you the full spectrum of what your truth is because how wrong would it be if I just said No, this is a great case. You're good. Everything's golden and they get all the way up to the very end of trial We've already gone everything and they've lost and say why didn't you tell me go? Ah, yeah, you know what? I was gonna tell you but you know, I didn't I didn't think you could handle it there right there It's that I didn't think you could handle it In reality if I do some self-reflection in that it's that I didn't I Couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take Giving that piece of information that they needed to know and so I take it on myself to feel their feelings for them Listen to me stop feeling other people's feelings for them That has to do with I'm afraid I'm gonna disappoint them. I'm afraid I'm gonna upset them I'm afraid they're not gonna like me as much. I'm afraid they're gonna have some kind of negative feeling towards me The answer is yes and Yes, they will and they get to choose what to do with that Yes, they're gonna be hurt and they get to choose what they're going to do with that Let them decide what to do with that information Rather than you avoiding it for the hope that they're going to continue living in the multiverse All right, so if I am going to give somebody difficult information in my law practice It is I'm gonna give you the difficult news and then you get to decide you want to continue the case not continue the case You want to do this you want to do that you have agency Before we continue I want a quick word from monarch tax season Oh, it was one of the only times I actually stop and look at everything what came in what went out and then I start to catch Myself thinking where did it all go? I don't want to just look back. I also want to make progress That's why I use monarch it shows me where my money's gone and where something like a tax refund can actually make a real Impact pay-down debt build savings what actually moves the needle? Simplify your finances with monarch monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier It brings your entire financial life budgeting accounts and investments net worth and future planning together and one dashboard on your phone or Laptop feel aware and in control of your finances this tax season to get 50% off your monarch subscription with the code Jefferson what I like is that it shifts you from tracking to planning you can see your goals your net worth your next moves all in one place and It surfaces patterns you normally miss so you're not guessing You're deciding achieve your financial goals for good with monarch the all-in-one tool that makes money management simple Use code Jefferson at monarch.com for half off your first year That's 50% off at monarch.com code Jefferson and now let's keep going When you're having a heart talk with somebody Trust and remember that they have the agency to choose what they want Whether it's in a relationship they get to choose do they want to stay in the relationship not stay in the relationship They get to choose that do you rather than you not giving them the truth just for the sake of afraid they're gonna leave or I Want this kind of something to happen at the workplace or the job and so I Try to control the narrative in a way that's going to protect Their feelings so to speak rarely and ever in history has that gone well And it's probably not gonna go well for you either And I mean that whenever you try to couch things in a way that It's I don't want to disappoint them you're feeling their feelings for them and You don't get to do that. That's not something you get to do They they get to do that. So your role in this is that you? Speak what you need to speak. What is the truth? What is the the boundary the change the hard topic you get to say that that's your part in this this dance their Part is getting to decide what to do with that information Rather than you trying to control it you can't do both can't have your cake and eat it too So what's my mindset number one when I go into these hard conversations of knowing? I'm trusting them that they can do with this information what they want to do with it But I'm gonna get it out because if you continue just to store up Conversations and you're in your head you get to store up these things where you know You could be more honest and transparent, but you're not It's it's just living in your head rent free and that rent is going to come do no matter no matter what so I have This mentality in my mind of that I'm going to trust that they Can handle what I'm going to tell them and the truth is they can't they can't you're not gonna like it And it's gonna make you uncomfortable But the truth is they can they can certainly handle it and when you're choosing not to tell them You're deciding for them that they can't handle it and that's that's not your job. You can't do that number two what I Try to emphasize is the quicker I can get to the end of the line meaning The quicker I can get to the truth rather than the starting all with the context You know what this is like when somebody's trying to tell you a story about something and they go okay? Remember that time that day remember when I told you this and they start backwards and What that does when you start backwards it injects in Anxiety into the conversation Ever heard somebody start that slow roll backwards and you and you're neatly thinking okay. Where are you going with this? What's what's what's happening here? Okay? What am I are we breaking up? Are we something wrong? Did I do something wrong and you're continually looking the whole time? What did I do what is happening? What is wrong because we always go to the default of the negative rather than allowing that anxiety can to continue to breathe breed and to Create panic and put more strain and stress on a conversation that's already going to be stressful for you Start with the end You start with something that just can kick open the the front door so to speak and so what I Phrases I like to use rather than trying to sugarcoat is something as simple as I need to have a difficult conversation with you You see how much cleaner and more direct that is Then me going okay. Hey, you remember that time, you know, and this is Okay, let me let me back up you remember that and I'm just losing them But if I can start out with this is going to be a difficult conversation Hey, this is going to be hard for us to talk about I need to tell you something that you're not going to like I Need to tell you something Because it's the truth You hear how as soon as I get that out front. It's like a snap there. They're in it. They're they're engaged They they now know this is the label I can put on this conversation and this is the room that I'm in They don't have to worry about X Y and Z and things that are totally outside of it. Have you ever had somebody? You know text you that we need to talk You know and it's just immediately pit in your gut and then they start talking later and They mentioned something you're like oh that oh, okay like that oh geez Okay, why didn't you say so like because the whole time you've had that pit in your stomach So when you can get to the beginning sooner, it's going to go better for you How does that sound that means I'm gonna say I need to tell you something that you're not going to like This is not a case that I'm gonna be able to continue to move forward You see how I'm getting right to the point right after that So I'm gonna label the conversation. This is gonna be hard for us to talk about pause give them a second to Breathe and most likely they're gonna kind of nod and give eye contact with you deliver the line Whatever it is the boundary the change the sensitive topic the truth That's what you do then you can deliver the context, but don't do it right away So you have to give time for things to breathe in difficult conversations like you if if I were to take a Bottle of soda and just shake it around and then try and open it terrible things But if you open it allow it to breathe allow things to settle Probably a bad example but it's it emphasizes that point of there are certain phases of The roller coaster of a hard conversation and you have to give enough time To allow that to sit and to settle and that does not mean that all of that is going to require you to talk Silence is a great way of allowing things to breathe Especially in hard conversations, so if you label it this is gonna be a hard conversation. I Need to let you go Pause you don't go I need to let you go because you know all these things you've done and all these things It's just a pause They're gonna allow that to breathe there might be shock there might be anger Whatever it is they get to decide that you don't try to curb that into what you want. That's that's going backwards So once you have that in mind, I want you to let it breathe then Give context because most likely they're gonna ask questions of why or how come or how does this start? Or what's my options? What do we do now? There's always going to be a question that comes from that. That's where you are able to to succinctly clearly give Context right so that's that's to putting a label on that and getting to the point way sooner Before we keep going I want to take a moment to tell you about notion You know it eats up more time than the actual work all the little things around the work It's the status updates the task assigning the quick questions that somehow never stay quick That's what I've been using notion and especially their new feature called custom agents now I can say personally I viewed notion both in my law firm and media company for several years now and I felt like I Used notion before anybody else had heard of notion notion is an AI powered connected workspace for teams Notion brings all your notes documents and projects into one space that just works It's seamless flexible powerful and actually fun to use which I can attest to with AI built right in you spend less time Switching between tools and apps and more time creating great work and now with notions new custom agents the busy work that seem to take hours Or it really never Happen at all. Let's be honest runs itself one of my favorites is a status update agent every week It scans what I've been working on pulls all the key updates and turns it into a clean report Automatically no chasing notes no rewriting the same thing every week and trying to memorize it It's just right there custom agents automate repetitive workflows right inside of notion and unlike most AI They don't wait for you to prompt them in some way instead They run on schedules and triggers like real teammates with specific jobs So try custom agents now at notion comm slash Jefferson. That's all lowercase letters Notion comm slash Jefferson to try custom agents today and when you use our link you're supporting our show which is pretty cool Notion comm slash Jefferson. All right, let's keep going Three this is my encouragement to you and it's and it's simply this The very thing you're avoiding is Is the very thing that's going to reveal the actual reality of the conversation Whatever whatever you're avoiding it's is what's preventing the reality of the conversation and I want you to be in a place where Whatever the conversation is it needs to be something that you know is going to continue to move your life forward I know way too many people And I've spoken to a lot of people who are avoiding a conversation Because they're afraid of what their life is going to look like afterwards and my my Word to you is this I'd be much more afraid of what my life is going to look like if I don't have that conversation So wherever you are in life Whatever the topic is if it is somebody you're married to or in a relationship with or if it is a son a daughter an Uncle a mom somebody a co-worker a boss a supervisor Whatever it is be way more concerned with your life of not having that conversation Than having it because when you are avoiding it, that's when you're actually changing The whole thing It's it's it's not the opposite. So what can we do? There's a conversation most likely if you're still listening to this that you're you're avoiding right now and And if that's you I just need you to nod wherever you are just nod to yourself And I want you to start formalizing in your head. It helps to write it down What's the goal of the conversation? How can I get to the beginning as fast as I can? How can I make sure there's enough time? How can I set time to allow the conversation to breathe? For this when Sierra 90 to have hard conversations You know sometimes we have to do it usually before the kids are awake or after the kids are in bed usually we like to have them in the mornings because That's when we're kind of energizing ready to go not exhausted in our batteries already, you know at 2% Emotionally and mentally so making sure you have enough time to have these conversations is going to do you a whole lot of good. All right I'm telling you on the other side of the conversation is a world That's going to be much better for you. Don't feel other people's feelings for them They have the agency to do that your job is to communicate their job is to understand and if you don't have understanding If you've only just said it if you've only just talked to talk, that's not real communication Are you there are two parts to it? There is the speaking and there is the understanding just because you said it does not mean They understood it so be very careful of thinking just because you said it out loud it automatically results in communication They need to understand it as well. So give enough time for that to happen you with me. All right I believe in you go say the hard thing. All right, try that and follow me
