Spray Tan Supremacy

so we're supposed to start the podcast ready one two three patriots gay triots they triots black triots brown triots and all of the triple trumpers can do what pumps that's so much better you know i filmed with hassan in austin in new york and i told them beforehand i was like okay so i'm gonna do this thing and then y'all have to say fuck off and they were both like they sounded like these little wounded birds that mom knocked out of the nest and it was a very lackluster fuck off for the two leftists that lead the younger generation um so i was a little disappointed in that well here's the thing i have very few talents but I consider the fuck off as one of them. So I just have to think I might be the, I might be what makes fuck off so great and nobody else replicate. You're the common denominator. Yeah. That's the one thing I'm really good at. All right, pumps. What have you had it with? Okay. What I've had it with, and I know I've browbeat this before, but there's a little twist on it this time. I've had it with delivery window times. When you have somebody that says, we're gonna come from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. Okay, that's a huge, broad window. And I've had it with that forever. But in my most recent experience, what I've had it with is they tell you the delivery window is after lunch. And I had a plumber coming out and I called the plumbing company. And I said, are you sure it's going to be after lunch? Because I'm going to go to the gym. And she says, absolutely. It's going to be after lunch. You have plenty of time. Okay. Sounds good. So I run up to the gym. I have no more picked up a weight than the plumber calls and says, I'm 15 minutes away from your house. And I'm just like, why do we have fucking delivery windows if we're not going to come during the delivery window time? because I made a special effort. Then my internet went out, AT&T came out. They said, we'll be there between one and four. 6.30, I'm still waiting. Here's my thing. Just let me know you're gonna be late because I'm trapped. I'm chained to the house when this happens. So I've had it with delivery windows. I've had it with how long they are. I've had it when people don't stay inside the delivery window. Yeah, I can't stand this either. You end up being a hostage and a prisoner of your own home. And I think it's disrespectful. And I think that doctors participate in this a lot, too. You have an appointment at 2 p.m. You arrive at 2 p.m. You don't even get called back till 3 p.m. People have jobs. People have kids to pick up from school. And you're just a hostage there. And I think there's just so much consumer abuse across the board to favor corporate, you know, profits and the consumer abuse is just on steroids and Trump's regime. I mean, it's just unbelievable. Yeah. And you're desperate for the service at the doctor. You can't leave because you need the service. The plumber, my toilet was broken. So I needed that service. AT&T, I didn't have internet. So they make you desperate. Then they come in and fix it and you're just so relieved. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Um, I've had it with, um, Trump's makeup. And I know that this is something we've talked about a lot, but I just feel like at this stage in fascism, they've taken off the white KKK hoods and they've replaced them with MAGA hats. I think just something tangible that I would like to campaign on is I want a makeup free Trump's Trump. Now, let me just state, I am not opposed to men wearing makeup. I actually quite like it. I'm not opposed to men having fingernail polish. I don't care. What I'm opposed to is the hue of the makeup, the application of the makeup and how it's not discussed in right wing media. Like the void of talking about his makeup in right wing media as they are promoting this form of toxic masculinity is both intellectually dishonest and patronizing to people in the populace that have a triple digit IQ. you. And so I just think that at this late stage in capitalism and this late stage of makeshift democracy, I want him to go, I want him to be the age that he's supposed to be. I want to see no makeup. I've heard he's not dying his hair anymore and it kind of looks like he's not. But that's what I want to see. I'm tired of him wearing bad makeup. If we have a president that wears makeup fine, but I'm tired of the bad makeup. Well, and here's the deal. Let's see the bald spot. I want to see what's under that rat nest of hair because you hear all about his failed hair implants in the eighties or early nineties, whatever it was. Here's the thing with the makeup on Trump. Can you imagine what his clothes are like when he takes, you know, like sometimes your makeup gets on your clothes, like your shoulder. I mean, it is. Imagine his pillowcase. Oh, my God. I mean, there's some there is some American that works at the White House that has to make his bed and change the sheets. And this is what I would call a forgotten American. Like this is she has to go she or he they have to go in there to his bed. And it's been credibly reported that he eats his dinner in bed, that he's all fluffed up with his orange makeup on, eating a filet of fish and a quarter pounder, cramming French fries down his throat, slurping on like a big gulp Diet Coke, right? So it's just a, you know, there's salt, a quarter pounder with cheese sauce, you know, magic Big Mac sauce in the bed. He didn't give a shit. He just flops around in it. And can you imagine the smell of that McDonald's permeating in that room, plus the smell of him, plus the makeup on the pillowcases. So somebody goes in there that needs the work, right? They have to go in there to this crime scene and change that bed. And I imagine, you know, there's, it has to be changed every day. New sheets every single day. There's no way. Number one, he's not pissing in that bed. Number two, there's credible reports that he poops his pants. And so, I mean, I just, I, here's the thing. I get crazy people. I understand it. I understand a singular crazy person. I understand a singular narcissistic person. I understand a singular sociopath. I will never understand the millions of people that support this man. I will never understand that this is the guy that we're losing all of our shit for, that this is it, that people that want to lecture us about moral values and family values and freedom and democracy have anchored and tethered themselves to this disgusting human being. And what's fascinating about it is MAGA women, they think he's hot. I heard that someone You know, it's not. Of course. Absolutely not. We, we, they think he's hot. I remember at the conventions, uh, these MAGA women would be like, Oh, president Trump, you're so handsome. You're so attractive. And then that net, she was a congressman for a congresswoman from Minnesota. She went off to the past pasture and now she's resurfaced again. Bachman, Michelle Bachman. Oh, yeah. She was just recently interviewed and she said that she thought Trump was really attractive. And here's the thing. I think they do. You don't think it's propaganda? I do not think it is that big of a connection to say, I'm going to lose my moral compass. I'm going to sell everything down the river. I don't think it's that big of a jump for the same people that think he's smart to also think he's attractive. I don't think that those two things are separated from one another. If you listen to him speak and you go, oh man, this guy's sharp as a tack. I would think it's a foregone conclusion that the same brain could also go, he's hot. I don't see a distinction between the insanity of the cult member. You're probably right. But even, okay, let's just say a normal 80-year-old. How many 80-year-olds do women run around and say, God, he is hot. he is so hot i mean it's just it's so gross and they pump him up this is a cold right sure that's true six three 215 pounds you bet all over it yeah and then you know he then they also photoshop there's also like all the men in maga that have like this is the weird shit they have all the like their posts on their Instagram page. You always know the person's a nightmare. Like you always know this person's gonna be a fucking nightmare when you see their social media account. And it's like, patriot, dad, Christian, you know, warrior, you know, like, oh, this person is a fucking disaster. And then they have all of this homoerotic shit posted of Trump online. And there's this component of American culture where they're really into all this shit, you know, like all of this like faux spirituality. And I can't even call it spirituality because it's so transactional, this Christianity and this masculinity. And it's it becomes their entire identity. It's wild to me. Wild. Read a book, go to an art museum, go for a walk. like there's a whole lot of really cool things in the world and this guy ain't it. Well, and what's so funny about it is they, all they talk about is alpha male. We are alpha males. Trump is an alpha male. All these guys are alpha males. And it's just like, this is your alpha male. Okay. That tells me everything I need to know about you, just like your truck nuts and your oversized tires and your flag. That tells me everything I need to know. Yeah, it's a really wild time. And on top of everything, I just think that Trump has given so many people this permission structure to take the hood off. And I'm talking about the KKK hood, because Barack Obama being president broke a lot of white America. It really broke them. And not only was he resoundingly elected, I mean, popular vote, electoral vote, he was a good person, a family man. And I'm sure some of our leftist listeners are going to be like, wow, God, he did this or that. All of that's irrelevant as to what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a very competent, very intelligent, Ivy League educated Black man that became president despite you, not because of DEI, despite any sort of advantage. And his wife, who Ivy League educated, beloved. And some people are so dark in their hearts that it just broke them. They were unable to objectively say, oh, you know, like this is a really cool moment in American history, especially after our 400 years of racism. This is a really cool moment. I disagree with him on certain things, but he seems to be a decent person. It just broke them to the point that they, it primed the psychological soil for them to just fall into the arms of this diaper wearing high cholesterol, cankles out the wazoo, horrible makeup, eating filet of fish in bed, lazy, lazy motherfucker. You know, and that's the trope. They always want to talk about black people. These white racist black people are lazy. Trump is so lazy. And here's how you know he's lazy. When the White House has to say he keeps a schedule of a 15 year old. Right. You know, he doesn't even report down to the Oval until like 10 or 11 or noon. Famously shuns off meetings and then goes up, back up. He does some press conferences. I think they're getting jacked up. And then as Adderall wears off, he snoozes through them. Even he is bored with his staff heaping praise on him. Yeah, I mean, he's bored of the cabinet meetings, which are nothing but a kiss my ass dick fest for all these just miserable humans. Okay, you know what? I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but you talking about Obama and how he was just everything that Republicans say they want except that he was black Remember the biggest like scandal other than the brown suit was when they were talking about him smoking a cigarette. Do you remember that? People were like, oh yeah, he's smoking a cigarette. This man, Donald Trump, is running around knee deep in a pedophile ring and people make excuses for them, but yet President Obama smoking a cigarette was scandalous. I mean, it's just, it blows my mind. And I'm with you. I just do not understand the people that are just still on the train. And they are abundant. I mean, it's, I think that I'm seeing some polling that he's upside down on stuff, but then I'm also seeing polling that he still has 90% approval rating within the Republican Party. And so that is just a stunning revelation to me that he is still with this advanced stage dementia, with this incompetent governing, with the clear and obvious corruption that even the Wall Street Journal reports on all the time, the economic corruption happening with the personal enriching of Witkoff, his pro-Russian advisor, with Jared Kushner, his son-in-law. And it's all to just enrich themselves. And these people are still laser focused on supporting him. And I just think it goes back to something about, I think the Republican Party was moving towards this. There's no question. But it accelerated after Obama. And he came down that escalator saying something that they were dying to say the N-word out loud for those eight years that Obama was president. And he came pretty close and he said, OK, he's not American. And they were like, oh, yeah, that's right, because we're heritage Americans. And this whole country has just still has a huge racist problem where people would rather vote against their economic interests if that means that black people will not get anything. And it's just it's a really stunning, stunning thing. You're exactly right, because you cannot tell me that 90% of the Republicans that are polling that saying they're all for Trump, that they believe, you know, that their groceries are down, that they have more money in their pocketbook because of Trump, because that is simply mathematically impossible. But they just know he hates who they hate. So it's all, it's high times. That's, it's a stunning revelation. It really is. All right. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. All right. Let's check in with Kylie. Hi. Hi, Kylie. I've got a couple of reviews for you. We're going to start with this one. That's five stars titled Authoritarian Botox. And Luke writes, Jen has a siren's voice that captures millions of listeners. Her power is nearly unmatched. Her repudiation of neoliberalism and MAGA cultism is so powerful that, dare I say, if she discontinued Botox and allowed her eyebrows to move, she would become an unstoppable force. We cannot allow Jen to do this. No one can ever have that kind of power ever. Hashtag no queens. Okay. No queens. Luke, I have some stunning development. So I let all my Botox wear out. and then I went and got something called micro Botox. And so as you can see, I have movement here. Did you model your eyebrow? Yeah, there they go. There you go. Well, and I'm going to let y'all in on a little secret. Pumps and I on, when we stream like this, we put filters on and it's a low key filter. So I am going to take off the filter here on Instagram because it's dishonest. I've taken out the filter. I have one I'll take off with you, Jen. Take it off. I'm not taking mine off. Let's go natural. I'm going natural. I'm taking mine off. I will be authentically loving my Botox and my filter until they put me in the ground. Let's see. Move your head. I've never been able to say I don't get Botox. Move your forehead. Move your forehead. Oh, yep. oh there's none none i like to look like a terrified heroin addict just be frozen that's what i like see i'm thinking about starting my botox journey soon i'm getting really close and i've got some some things i think that could just be helped a little yeah i don't know i have any wrinkles in your forehead just that little tiny line yeah we'll see i'll keep everyone updated on your botox journey On my Botox journey. Document it on your Instagram nonstop. Yeah, I have no wellness journey, but I'll do a Botox journey. This podcast is supported by FX's love story, John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bissett, the new limited series from executive producer Ryan Murphy. It explores the complex courtship of the iconic couple considered to be American royalty, whose love story captured the attention of the nation. Their fairytale romance would unfold in front of the public eye where their private love would also become a national obsession. FX's love story, John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette. Watch now on FX, Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. A lot of you know me as a podcaster, but for the 20 years prior to this, 20 plus years prior to this, I have been an interior designer. And one of my favorite companies is Article. Their furniture is dynamite. The service is unparalleled and the quality is fantastic. Chic. We ordered for the podcast studio a curved boucle sofa. Plus, they have meticulous packaging. The weight and feel of the product is that of something super high end without the high end price and the fact that it comes mostly assembled. 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Go to cook unity.com slash had it or enter code had it before checkout to get 50% off your first order. Again, that is 50% off your first order by using code had it are going to cook unity.com slash had it. Okay, this one's five stars titled Jen and pumps are my moms now. And Anna E writes, I just cut off my MAGA mom after she callously taunted the murder of Renee Goode, who is strikingly similar to me in many respects. The estrangement was 18 years in the making, and this was the final straw. One of my silver linings is that I also just recently discovered Jen and Pump's pod, and it is both a cathartic outlet for my angst and a safe place to have a giggle and find little moments of happiness amongst the angst, which is why I'm declaring them to be my new moms. I think this means Kylie is my cousin. Keep fighting the good fight, ladies. I just, I think that is so sweet and sad at the same time. It makes me so mad that parents shun their kids. It makes, it grosses me out that people cheerlead the homophobia and murder and racism of ISIS activities. And most of them do it with impunity because nobody in their fucking group has the balls to stand up for humanity and stand up against murder and stand up against homophobia. So good on you, as sad as this is, good on you for telling your racist, murderous supporting mother to F off, because this is different. This whole thing right now is not political to me, you guys. This is moral. These are moral differences. And I feel, and Angie knows this about me, like when I am in MAGA circles, I feel physically my body is off. Like I know what these people support. I know the homophobia that they support. I know that their thoughts hurt the people that I love and they use their white privilege to do it and provide cover. And I want to always be the person that uses my privilege, both economic and complexion, to stand up for the most marginalized people. And when I am dead and gone, I want my children and grandchildren to know she stood up to people when it was not popular. She stood up to people when she was ridiculed for it on Fox News, received death threats, threats of sexual violence, but she didn't give a fuck. That is super important to me that I teach my children that they have that type of iron clad conviction. And I have shunned so many people in my life, so much so that I moved away from Oklahoma City because I can't handle the hypocrisy. It physically, I feel something in my body around hypocrites. And I just, I can't do it. I literally cannot do it in this stage of how depraved MAGA is. It makes me sick. It makes me so sad that somebody would cheerlead a murder in front of their children. Like the parenting skills in MAGA is so disgusting to me that somebody's racist in front of their kids. Somebody demeans other people in front of their kids. It's just gross. Somebody's homophobic in front of their kids and they're just teaching them to be that way. just generational fuckery on top of dysfunction. And it grosses me out. And I can speak to just the grief that you feel when you realize someone that you love, that is a family member is devoid of empathy, that they can easily separate what is happening to other people and they can't apply it to themselves. I mean, I've had sleepless nights. I've had, you know, very upset thinking about this person that I love has no fucking empathy. And there's a grieving to it. So I, here's what I want to ask you, because I think this is interesting. This person that you're talking about has never had empathy. What happened is you had an awakening, 180 degree turn where you had empathy, and you left the pack and they didn't join you. But in my mind, in my mind, that person always, I, I bestowed upon them empathy when I should not have. I bestowed that on myself. The big lie. The big lie. Yeah. But I mean, it's really, really disappointing And I understand feeling that way And we happy to be your mothers Yeah that is it really that the really there all the economic stuff and all of the erosion of civil liberty stuff the not talked about a lot are like these gay queer black mixed race people that have been treated like shit by people they thought they could trust Yeah. And I've been privy to this for a really long time because in the 90s, when I first went to college, I had a lot of gay friends. I could either hang out with a Bible study, girls, or I could hang out with gay men. Naturally, I picked gay men. And the torture that they had to go through to tell their parents they were gay because they knew that their parents were going to reject them. It's just this horrific, you know, cinder blocks on their shoulders. And to know that like these people that made me, one could argue they made me gay, if you're the gay person, and then they just get rejected by their families. It's just so sad. And as this keeps building up, the remnants and the breadcrumbs as to what MAGA is doing now have been there for decades. Republican culture supports ostracizing others. And then they try to say, oh, we're all about cancel culture. It's like, yeah, we want to cancel fucking racists. Goddamn right we do. They deserve to be canceled. But that just, there's a real sadness to all the relationships. And more than anything, the moral rot that people can't wake up and speak up for decency and speak up for the marginalized. And here's the thing. I know I bash on religion all the time. And I want to be crystal clear. I bash on the organized religion people. Like I've been going viral and somebody sent it to me like Christian talk. And they're like, Jennifer Welch said white evangelical Christians are cancer. And I want to say, yes, I do. Double down, triple down, quadruple down. White evangelical Christians are a cancer. Full stop. I will never not say that. If you same white evangelical women that are using my voice and my brand and my face to go viral on TikTok, number one, you're welcome. Number two, if you actually became Jesus-y and you actually became Christ-like, I would be the biggest Christian ally on the planet. But you're not. You're not. You're homophobic, racist, brag about triple Trumping. and you i mean like when you see a child in a little bunny hat and then you and you don't have this incredible empathy that god that's a five-year-old he doesn't need to be detained your instinct is well it's parent shouldn't blah blah blah blah blah and then you want to lecture me on christianity go fuck your selves all the way to the imaginary hell that you think i'm going to because I will put my atheism up against sure feigned faux Christianity all day, every day. And I know I'm going to win because it's the moral depravity that breathes inside evangelical Christianity anchored by racism, anchored by homophobia and tethered to this fuck face president that rapes people and is a pedophile. like and then you're like oh jen's jennifer welch says we're a cancer like um no jennifer welch just put a mirror up and again you're welcome for the viral video kind yeah exactly okay i've got some voice on those today and up first we're gonna listen to emily good morning jessica pumps kyle's and Seth the little bitch. This is Emily from Littleton, Colorado. I am calling to report that I have had it with self-service kiosks at which they have employees stationed to assist you with said kiosk. What the fuck do you have a person standing there for if I can do it myself? If I wanted some help, I would go somewhere that isn't self-serve. If I wanted your help, I would ask for it. But these people come up and try to help you at the self-service checkout, the most egregious of which is when I go through the car wash and some motherfucker comes up to the drive-up kiosk and is punching in the buttons for me. I can do it myself. I'm not an idiot. I am a grown adult who is old enough to drive So therefore I think I know how to read and push buttons and scan a credit card So why don't you fuck all the way off and leave me to it Okay Thank you I think this is something that has not gone Talked about nearly enough So I hope that you ladies will bring it to the attention of the general public So maybe the egregious offenses will end i completely agree patriot yeah i mean that's yeah yeah that that is that is some shit that the double dipping with hey this robot can help you but also we know our robot's incompetent so we're going to also send an incompetent human being to help you in the most patronizing way the double incompetent incompetent human here's the thing i've had this exact same thing happen to me at the car wash it's automatic like why the are you here why are you talking to me this whole thing was going to be just me going through it it's the most bizarre situation on the planet she's so right thank you for bringing it straight from Littleton, Colorado. I liked how she said, I'm reporting from Littleton, Colorado. See, but that's a patriot right there. She goes in, this is who I am. I'm reporting on the fuckery that's happening in the United States of America, venue today, Littleton, Colorado, because this fuckery, if we had a normal government, these are the things that we could talk about. These are the things, the forgotten issues in the fascist takeover. And these are still very real issues because during this fascist takeover, it's so weird. And I know you guys can relate to this. You get on your phone or you watch the news and it's like, you know, he's stealing ballots from the 2020 election and these training eyes to murder people. And you're like, oh my God, we're so fucked. And then it's like, oh, I'm going to go to the movie or I'm going to go to the store and then you live still this normal remembrance of what your American life is. And I wish that we lived in a place where the government was moderately good. I'm not asking for like genuinely good, but moderately good. I'll take it. You know, so, so, but they're fine. So that we could really hone in on these things. So I think it's a nice respite from all of our IHIP News episodes to focus on this stuff because it still exists even within the fascist takeover. these grievances still exist and are very real yeah they're just compounded by fucking crazy ass person okay up next hang on filter back on kylie this is just my natural that's a 30 year old right well why would you even need a filter i think it makes me look tan it adds a little color put it back on okay let's see i'm gonna crank it too cranked all the way up here's all the way up i can't okay i'm gonna no it's still like the same i think that's all the way okay i'm gonna put mine all the way up let me see skin enhance skin appearance see that just looks so fake it just blurs it a little too much. Yeah. I just think that's fake city pumps. What level is yours on? It's halfway in the middle. To be fair, I had it all the way up. Like I was all the way. I noticed one day when we were it off. I noticed one day and I hit moves. You look, it looks a little Mar-a-Lago pumpers. All right. Here's one degree. Yes. Yeah. I think that's not super noticeable. I'm going to go natural. yeah we're on a strike today i'm going natural i'm going you know why because nothing feels better when you see people in for the first time and they go oh my god you look actually pretty good see pumps you're fucking yourself right now because you've got that filter up like four notches and then we're going to go on tour we're going to be somewhere and people are going to go god Jennifer, you really look great. Are you okay, Pops? You're so old. You're so wrinkly. You don't glow. So you've got halfway filter. I'm halfway. I'm at the halfway mark. It doesn't have a number on it, I don't think. No, I definitely have. Yeah. What did you say? Are you natural? This is all natural. You know, youth, youth, truly is wasted on the young. Now I've had it with Kylie putting a fucking filter on to begin with. You're 30 years old. Your skin is perfect. You are gorgeous. Shut up with your filter. I did it so you would say all those nice things about me. Well, it wasn't a compliment. All right, parents. One of the best lessons we can teach our children is money management. That's why I partnered with Cash App in teaching my sons how to be fiscally responsible. For all the parents out there with teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control. Cash App is here to help make sure your teen's money and their spending isn't adding to that craziness. Cash App is designed to meet teens age 13 to 17 where they are with intuitive educational tools available through sponsorship by an eligible parent or guardian. 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Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honeylove. All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay, up next we've got Joseph. Hi, Jennifer. Hi, Angie. I love you guys so much. You're my favorite parasocial relationship. and your podcast has really helped me gotten through these really really dark days so i just appreciate you guys being a guiding light honestly and giving us laughter but i'm gonna tell you what i had it with i have fucking had it with the way men do handshakes they grab your hand and squeeze it as hard as they possibly can and i just want to look at them and say ow you fucking piece of You really just injured me right now. And now I going to have to apply makeup like our piece of shit president to cover up the bruise that you going to leave me with And the thing is when you shake hands with a woman it calm it gentle it feels professional it feels cordial And it makes me understand why Trump's hands are so bruised because he's around a bunch of wannabe alpha males that just sit there and squeeze each other's hand as hard as they possibly can. I just wish I had the card to say, you motherfucker, don't ever touch me like that ever again. but he's got to smile and take it. So that's kind of the fucking country we're living in at the moment. Handshakes are weird. I agree. Like there's a whole, I would say I hit the Goldilocks handshake, not too tight, not too limp. I like to get it right, but he's right. Sometimes I'll shake hands with a man and it's like this complete tight squeeze. And I imagine that, you know, these men that feel the need to do the compensatory handshake are compensating for other things that we've reviewed multiple times, which is pump's favorite subject, you know, the small wiener regime. Um, but I think Trump's, uh, bruises on his hands. I do not buy the white house narrative. I think it's from, uh, IVs. I think he has to go get all dosed up on a bunch of medications because I think they're basically just like intravenously keeping him alive. I totally agree with that. Here's my thing. I'm going to disagree with the caller because here's the thing. I would rather somebody put my hand in a vice grip and shake it, even though I think it's toxic and it's showy and all that trying to compensate. I agree on all fronts but what i hate more than anything and i feel disrespected is when i shake a man's hand and it's like a limp it's like a flaccid penis there's no grip it's so soft and i just am like what the fuck you can't just shake somebody's hand with a normal amount of pressure and and i don't think it's i feel like it's disrespectful i don't think that it probably is, but I just, it gets on my nerves. So I would rather have a super hard vice grip than a flaccid penis any day of the week. It's interesting. The, uh, correlation you make from hand to penis from soft to rock hard. And this seems to be a recurring theme for people who have listened since the inception of this podcast are asexual hostess. A lot of, you know, we can start with a very intellectual subject and I'm not saying the handshake thing is, but it doesn't matter, whatever it is. It starts here and then it all goes down and it filters down to penis size and soft slash hardness with it. And I'll let the armchair psychologists do with that as they may. My synopsis is that pumps needs to get laid immediately. Because if we're shaking hands and thinking about cock. Flaccid dicks. Yeah, exclusive flaccid dicks. Let me ask you this. you're probably not wrong have have you been served soft served quite a bit in your life so that this is some ptsd are you seriously asking me that i am for the listener's benefit okay yes i have i was married to soft serve and so i just i i'm repelled by soft serve totally repelled And then as a percentage of all of the MAGA men in the White House and in Trump's orbit, what percentage of these men do you think are, in fact, soft servers? Like percentage wise, I would say 85% are soft servers. 85% soft servers. It is the biggest group of soft servers I've ever seen. Or gyrators, which, I mean, half a dozen ones, six the other, they both fucking suck. Yeah. All right. Last one, Kylie. Okay. The last one is from Nick. Good morning, my favorite podcasters ever. So listening to your podcast today, I have been inspired to submit and I've had it. And I've had it is related to restaurants. so it actually I thought that Jennifer was gonna say this during her I've had it but it was a little bit different with the text messaging which is total bullshit so my I've had it is when you go to a restaurant and you say you know there's three of us and you clearly don't have a reservation and the restaurant also is not that busy and they'll ask do you have a reservation and i'm like no and i want to ask like is this a problem because i can see eight fucking booths open so why do i need a motherfucking reservation it's two in the afternoon who the fuck makes a reservation right now i i completely agree with this there is a uh i was a hostess once when i was in high school i was a junior in high school i was a hostess and so i do not want to diminish or demean the profession of being a hostess at a restaurant. I don't. However, I don't know if it is in the instructions or a shared trait of hosts slash hostesses that sometimes when your job comes at you fast, meaning party of three walks in the front door, you've got nine options that you can see them at, that it becomes incredibly complicated. And this happens a lot. It happens a lot to me where I walk in party for, can we get a booth? And then they look down at the seating chart and it's just like, you just see, it's like, Oh my God, overwhelming. Like, Oh fuck, where am I going to put them? Whose section am I going to put them in? And then you start walking and you can tell the person is not walking with like, this is where I'm going to see them. I feel 100% confident on it. You can tell it's this tepid tiptoe. Am I going to pick the right booth or not? And when I have an assertive host and or hostess, I feel just such profound appreciation for the confidence in which said host and hostess looks down at that chart, grabs the menus, walks with just rock ironclad conviction, seats us, says your waiter will be right with you. I just think, God, you fucking nailed it. You nailed it. This has been one of the most under talked about. And for some reason, over complicated job and confidence seems to have eluded the profession. And so I think we as a nation need to lift up these confident hosts and hostesses that are able to with conviction and confidence walk and see their guests at a table that they arbitrarily choose and they're willing to take whatever smack talk from the waiters or the manager whatever decision they make and likewise you know i do think we need to do a lot of non-verbals on the not so confident hosts and hostesses like kind of lean in when they're looking at the seating chart go have you made a decision yet what do you have it narrowed down to like i see six booths there and then these kind of bar tables what are you honing in on because i'm thinking this back corner booth looks good what do you think do you think it's gonna take two three four more minutes you think we're gonna go 10 minutes i think we could put some pressure like involve ourselves in the table selection process as a way to kind of publicly shame slash also have hostess guests interaction, an interactive restaurant experience, I think could be kind of exciting. I think that that is so funny that you said that because I do, I like a hostess or a host that just just like, boom, we know exactly where you're going. What is so funny about that is one of the things that just I've had it with all the time is when you walk in and you say, Hey, I want to, you know, I have a table for three. They're like, do you have a reservation? This restaurant's empty. Like, why are you asking? Why does it matter? And then when they say, well, it'll be 45 minutes. I'm like, there are five people in this restaurant and 867 tables. Why on earth would I have to wait 45 minutes. I mean, it's just, it's just a minefield being a host or a hostess. It's a minefield, but I agree with you. Just fucking let's go. You've got it. You can do it. Don't take any shit. And I would even appreciate it. You know, sometimes the hostess is completely empty restaurant, maybe one to two tables and they overcomplicated by the seating chart at the hostess stand. And then they tepidly walk you back and then they pick the worst available table to seat you at. And then you're like, can we sit in this booth instead? And they're like, you know, you can see it all. I want a hostess that intentionally and purposefully fucks me in the table selection with confidence that says right this way and walks, I mean, darts so fast. My heart rate's getting up over a hundred and walking to the worst table in the restaurant, throws the menus down and says, your radio will be right here. And while I'm like, hey, can we, she's gone. I want, I want the dick over to be perfectly and diabolically executed in a sociopathic manner. I want her to walk away and think I fucked them over so hard and I feel zero guilt about it. I picked the worst table in the most efficient way imaginable. I gave them a mini workout on the way back to the worst table in the restaurant and I feel nothing about it. I'm going to go bake cookies for my children right now. I have absolutely zero remorse. That is the confidence I want in seating at a restaurant. If you're going to dick me over, do it. Own it. And don't feel bad about it at all. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Get your heart rate. Run off before you can change the table. It's hard on a host or hostess when you say you want to go to a different table. when they've got one. I mean, it, it, it really throws them off. I've done that on more than one occasion. Yeah. All right. I think that's all we have for today's episode in MAGA America. Um, we know that there's a lot of like serious shit that goes on. We address these things all the time and our other podcast, I have news. Um, you know, this podcast was first started for petty grievances, but we both, when we see injustice, it's difficult to just talk about normal things. So we try to blend the two together and build a community because this is tough shit. It's really, really tough shit being an American right now. And I just also want to give a shout out to all the American Olympic athletes that are exercising their first amendment right, that the majority of us, overwhelming majority of us support you completely and completely agree with you criticizing your country and your uh fucked up federal government is about the most American thing you can do it's can you I just never thought I'd live in a country where the president of the United States would bad rap Olympic athletes like denigrate I want to remind you though they've been bad rapping black athletes for a very long time yes this has always been there And it's important that that we we notice that our neglect of black America led to this this moment. I just think it's super, super important that we be the allies that say we get it. You're 100 percent right on that. 100 percent right. All right. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. Listen up, patriots. Gaytriots and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called iHip News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcast and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe, and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw! A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw! That's it. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.