Repair Is Not Conflict! How to Repair Without Breaking Safety!

We know this, but we still question, even doubt it. Peace doesn't mean nothing ever needs to be talked about. Come on, and repair does not mean something is wrong with your marriage. But a lot of couples confuse the two. They think, if I bring this up, it'll ruin the peace. All out the window. That's it. If I say something, we'll end up fighting again. And if I leave it alone, it'll just go away. Poof. Gone. Right? So couples stay quiet. They don't yell. They don't argue. And they don't even bring it up. Just shh. Right under the rug. And on the outside, everything looks fine, almost perfect. But slowly and quietly, something starts to thin. Connection cools. It cracks. It crumbles. It fractures. Intimacy fades. Where did it go? Where's the love? Where's the attraction? What happened? And distance rose, even in marriages, without a single explosion. And that's why today matters. Because the skill that keeps peace from turning into emotional distance, what is that? What is that thing? Do you know what it is? It's not avoidance. It is the art of repair. And many of us are not taught how to repair safely. But today, we're going to talk about it. This is a conversation you can't afford to miss. Uh, no. Ooh, that's better, right, babe? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a $100 million clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to Becoming Unshakeable, the Legacy Conversations bonus series, a special edition brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parent Podcast, a community of strong families building unshakable legacies in marriages. Just want to add that in there because this one's really, we're really talking about the marriage in this one. And if in case you don't know, I almost forgot to tell you, I am your host, Ildiko Ferenzi, and it is such an honor to be here with you guys today. I feel so blessed. I'm so grateful, and I'm excited for this conversation. Over the last few episodes, we've talked about peace, how to recognize it, how to protect it, and how to stay steady once your life finally feels calm and peaceful. And today we're talking about what comes next, how to live from peace without shrinking, without hardening, and without quietly pulling away from each other emotionally. So this one's really powerful. So we were facing outwards on the protection part, and now it's the work that we do with our spouse. That's the kind of protection we're going to dive in today because peace protects the home. But listen, and this is so important, it's the repair. The repair is what deepens connection inside of it. And I'd like to say this really gently as your friend, that every marriage, it really does need repair. And it's not because it's broken. I really want to make that clear. But it's because when two nervous systems are learning how to stay close under stress, there's a lot that goes into it, especially in this new season of our lives. I mean, the seasons, they just keep changing. Once you get married, that's a season. Once you have the children, the first baby, that's a different season, right? And then the children, they start coming and it's all that, all those blessings. Some people may call stress, but how do we navigate that together? Okay, conflict, conflict isn't what damages a marriage. Do you know what damages the marriage? Unrepaired conflict. That does. That damages the marriage. When things aren't repaired, they don't disappear. You could pretend they do. Sure. There's so many people that do that. We've all been guilty of that, right? But it doesn't disappear. It just goes underground. I love you. I heard you. And listen, what goes underground, it doesn't stay neutral. Guess what it does? It slowly turns into distance. And that is a terrible feeling. That is a terrible feeling in a marriage. Okay, especially when you used to be best friends, especially when you used to lean into each other. Avoidance can, it can actually feel peaceful in the moment. Okay, it's the easy thing to go to. But over time, it erodes trust, safety, and of course, intimacy. Healthy marriages aren't the ones that never have tension. I really want to be clear with this because that's not, there's going to be tension. Okay, let's just be honest. We talked about it. There's all the different seasons. There's things that come up. I know in our marriage, there was a lot of different pressures. Elderly parent getting sick. There's our own struggles with health. Just so much stuff. And that's not, I know we're not the only ones. We're not the only ones. So listen, so we have these tensions. And just because we have these tensions, it doesn't mean that the marriage isn't healthy. But do you know, do you know what the important part is? The important part, But the important part of this journey is those couples that have the ability to know how to come back together after the tensions come up, after the misunderstandings, after the conflict. And I see this play out with our children all the time. when my little girl gets overwhelmed or emotional. I'm just trying to think of an example, and I think this is the best one that comes to mind. Her feelings, they come out loud. She's got big feelings, big reactions. She's so passionate. She reminds us so much of her grandmother, or angel grandma, she calls her. And sometimes, especially when my husband, when he feels triggered, because he's going through stressful things right now too, the instinct is to raise his voice, to talk over her or to shut it down, just shut it down, whatever it is. Bang on something, be louder, louder than her, just snap her out of it. well, I see where he's coming from. And every single time that that happens, things escalate. So what I do, this is how I handle it. I step in, I lower my voice. Okay, this is how I always do it when it's just the two of us. But in the instance where he's stressed out and he does the thing that he does, because he's a man and he has testosterone. And when he does that, and I'm not saying all men have that reaction, but this is something he's really, really working on. I lower my voice. And I learned this from my mother. Thank you, Jesus, that I learned it from my mother. Because this is the way that she would come to us. I get down to eye level. I meet her eyes. And sometimes I hold her hand. If I feel that that's, I put my hands out. And sometimes she'll put her hands in mine. I'll ask her, do you want your space? Do you want a hug? She's little. She's little. I'm helping her navigate her emotions. And I explain calmly what happened, why it happened, and what the consequence is. Not to shame her, not to make her feel bad in any way. Absolutely not. But to teach her how emotions work, how to roll through them, how to understand them, rather than shut them down. right? Or tell her to go to her room and be quiet. That is not something that I allow happen in our house. Because if I were to just shut her down, if we tell her to stop crying without helping her understand why, she never learns how to regulate herself. okay and that is going to haunt her later on in life and she will repeat that with her children she's just going to learn to suppress and and here's the part that we don't always want to face right? The way we repair with our children is the same pattern we bring into marriages that even come out, right? Like the things that we learned as children, how to either suppress or express, we had a European home. We would express the things that we would feel Sometimes it would get louder and quieter Okay We very passionate We say exactly how we feel in a kind and loving way, never mean or hurtful, but we would say what's on our heart. And I'm so lucky to have that so I could roll through these emotions with our children. My son, my gosh, he's incredible at this. He's incredible. He knows it's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to be mean. It's not okay to throw things, bang things. It's not okay to not just hurt people, but it's not okay to break things, okay? He can talk through frustration without exploding in a way that's toxic. And he didn't learn this by accident. It's because of how I would handle his emotions. It came from investing in him during tough moments. And honestly, it would be so much easier to avoid. Tell him to stop crying, go to his room. It would be so much easier because we're in it together when we're fighting, not fight. I don't want to say fighting because it's not fighting at all. But when we're navigating, that's the word, navigating through the emotions. Okay, it's tough. It's not only tough for him, but it's tough for a parent. to navigate through these things because it really tests you. And I like to think of it biblically. The things that you feel, and everybody's different, but the things that you feel triggered, the things that trigger you as a parent, I feel that those are the things that God is trying to make you work on. So I always say this to my husband, that those are the things that God wants us to work on. If you feel triggered, good. That's something that God wants you to work on, right? It feels funny right now, but really think about it. What triggers you and what do you want to do in those moments? You got to fight through it. You got to lead that ship, you're the leader. They're going to learn from you. They will mirror the way that you help them repair. And they will mirror the way that a marriage that you and your spouse, me and my spouse, how we repair, they're going to mirror that or avoid repair. and generationally, this is going to get passed down just as easily, right? The things that we learned, we're going to invest that in our children, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right? Whether it's healthy or not, right? So we need to open our eyes and really think about this. What are we giving them? What are we blessing with? What are we blessing them with? What skills, what skills, what skills of repair to either build a healthy relationship or a toxic one? Do we want that to keep going generationally down the bloodline? It is our responsibility as parents to break chains if we need to and avoid the cycles if we need to. Okay? Only you know that. Only you know if there's something that you want to do differently, that you need to do differently, that is urgent to do differently. And I want to sidetrack for just one more second, because you're going to notice from the talk that your children give you. Okay, my children always do this. They used to do it to their angel grandma when she was really sick. They would give her the positivity talk. You could do this. You could do this. You're going to get better. Daniel did it to me when I was sick. And just tonight, I'm just bringing this up because just tonight, I was thinking things in my head. You know how as moms, we talk in our head. We're not talking out loud. I was helping prepare dinner for them. And Daniel goes, Mommy, what's wrong? And I said, nothing. Of course, nothing. Everything's great. He said, you're doing a really good job, you know? You're really amazing, Mommy. You're doing such a great job. And maybe sometimes you don't feel like you are, but you're doing a great job. And there's Destiny nodding her head. Yes, Mommy, you're doing an amazing job. but it wasn't made up. It was from the heart. And it was because sometimes, and I'm so grateful for this, that they could just read people because this is going to help them so much in life. But because I notice my children, I can tell when things are a little bit off and I go over there and I ask questions and I genuinely want to know. I want to know what they're thinking about and how they're feeling. And if they're just a little bit down, hey, we're in this together as a team. I want to lift them up. And I love these conversations in our home. So don't for a second think that that energy and that love and the effort that you're pouring into your children, that it's not noticed, even from a young age. Okay. They will become who you say they are. Okay. So talk to them like they are the most precious little humans, which they are in the entire world. Okay. Just keep building that up because that is going to be the voice that they use to pour into others. And right now we really see it with our family or at the playground or with other children or, you know, other members of the family, but just really watch for that. What is the voice that they have. And you can change. You can change things about it. What do I need to say more to my children? Anyway, back, back, we're going to reel it back in. And so I just, I just felt that that was valuable to share with you because it just, it's a confirmation about what the community, we talk about, we share these stories all the time. And it's such a beautiful community because we all have children and we all have the experiences. And, and we're actually talking about this the other day. And it's just so beautiful to connect with that. Right? Listen, from therapist, from some, let's get, let's get into some therapist back truth here. Okay. from decades of relationship research, including the Gottman Institute. Okay, we know this because we've talked about it, but unrepaired, if in case you don't know, because I want to share it with you, because I feel like this is really valuable, because unrepaired emotional ruptures, they don't fade with time. Those emotional ruptures do not fade with time. Okay. They compound. It's not a good thing. They resurface later as emotional distance, resentment, resentment, guys, irritability, shut down, loss of desire this one's applicable to my mamas out there a lot of the women we hear of this often more often than we want to but the loss of desire or the painful confusion of I don't know what changed right And this part is important, especially for women, because many women, they don't stop desiring intimacy. It's not, it's not, they, how do I say this? They don't stop desiring intimacy because they're checked out or interested elsewhere. That's not the case, okay? They stop because emotional safety broke too many times without repair. That's the conversation that I was talking about that happens in the community, that women don't feel that desire because emotional safety had been broken. They don't feel safe in the relationship. And at first they cry and are upset, of course, of course. And then they ask and they even beg. They even beg for change. And then they try different tactics. And when a conversation doesn't work, when nothing changes, their nervous system does, it just goes into this protective, this protective mode, which means that it numbs, it numbs. And it's not out of spite or anger or any of those malicious types of things. That's not what we want in our marriage. But it's out of survival. It's literally out of survival. Okay? And avoidance, it's not going to preserve the intimacy that our gentlemen, that our husbands want. okay so avoidance is something that is not going to benefit us gentlemen and ladies avoidance will quietly dismantle intimacy and that is not what we want that's not what we want in a marriage we want to feel chosen we want to feel important we want to be seen we want to be heard, right? And this isn't about right or wrong. It's just about different nervous systems. Therapists consistently explain that many women process stress through connection. This is important to know. Talking helps us women feel safe. I was saying seen, heard, and emotionally safe, protected. It's how closeness is restored. And many men, and many men in our community, those of us or those of us those who have unresolved childhood stress or criticism patterns they regulate through distance This is a very common thing. Pulling back, it helps their body, helps their body feel safe and calm down. A simple, just a simple call out, not a call out in a negative way, but just calling. I want to be called out. We all need to be called out, right? But sometimes just a simple call out can feel like an attack, even if it isn't. So when repair is needed, when repair is needed, a woman will reach out to reconnect. And then our gentlemen, sometimes they pull back or leave to self-regulate. And without understanding this, we actually misread each other. Our couples misread each other. She'll be thinking he doesn't care. And he thinks she's trying to start something. In reality, it's two nervous systems that are trying to feel safe. using different strategies. Repair teaches couples how to meet in the middle without triggering either side. So then what does repair actually look like? What does it look like? Why don't we take the pressure off this word? Let's take the pressure. Let's do it. Let's take the pressure off the word repair. There was a gentleman in our community that shared that he felt like he was in a courtroom interrogation because that's how he felt when he was a little boy or a teenager growing up in his home. And he wanted to avoid that at all costs. He never wanted to feel like that again. So for him, the repair felt like, and this is not everybody's view, but this was for him a hard thing to do. But listen, you need to look at it in a different way. don't look at it in the thing that you hate or fear or want to avoid. Just listen to repair as just this, as just this. Simply repair is simply saying, I don't want distance between us. Just that one simple line, I don't want distance between us. That right there in a tone that is loving and caring is going to open the door to beautiful things even during the hard times. It's acknowledging impact of the pain, the hurt, and moving on to the goal of restoring the marriage, the safety, reestablishing connection through the conversation. Remember, it's not an attack. if you could just sit in it and stay there and listen and remember how much you two love each other. And it's going to sound like, hey, can we talk so we can feel close again? can we talk so we can feel close again that didn't land how I meant it that didn't land how I meant it just really get into what you are trying to just be honest Just be honest. Right? Hold our hands. And here's another one. I don't want this sitting between us. I don't want this sitting between us. Rather than running away and walking out and leaving, I don't want this sitting between us. Let's have this conversation. I know it's uncomfortable, but dang it. we love each other. We got babies and they're watching us. They watch how we repair, right? Or even help me understand. We're in a different place as fathers. We're in a different place as mothers now. Help me understand. What is it that I'm missing? Help me understand because I love you. I love you. What are you going through right now? What do I not know? Help me understand. That is not weakness, gentlemen. That is not weakness. Okay? She's going through so much, especially in postpartum, the children all day, all the things, the mental load, all the things. I know that as gentlemen, there's so much, that there's so much stress and so much that you're going through. But remember, you're the leader. Okay, you're the leader. We have other gentlemen in our community. But if you talk to her, It could be just bounce back and forth, bounce back and forth. It's not sweeping it under the rug. That's toxic. This is not weakness. This is the leadership our homes need. This is the leadership our homes need. Real strength in marriage isn't about who wins. Why do we have to be reminded so many times? It's not about who wins, the argument. Aren't we a team? right? We're a team. This is a holy covenant. This is our marriage. This is our way to heaven. This is the way to heaven, how we handle this, right? It's all a test. It's all a test. We were talking about it before, those triggers. Obviously, those are lessons we need to learn. those are the things those are the things that god wants us to work on if it triggers us right overcome it it's not about being right or wrong it's not it's being about about how about we we look at it in a way where it's not not about the right or wrong not about winning, but who's going to be the one to protect the connection? Let that win. Let that be the goal. Who's going to protect the connection, right? Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells? I challenge you to swap your morning coffee for Shilajit by Symbiotica. And here's what can happen. No crash, no jitters, just clean, sustained energy, plus mental clarity and trace minerals that our bodies actually need, that are actually starving for, to be honest. 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I'm just smiling I just had this image of how as husbands you get to spend time with God's daughter he trusted you with her he trusted you with her and just remember the conversation that you're going to have with him when you go to heaven okay we have to be leaders we have to be leaders and in your heart if you think about it not just think about it, you get down on your knees and you actually pray I get on my knees all the time, all the time all the time, how can I be how can I be the mother that you want me to be how can I be the wife that you want me to be what can I do what can I do what can I do differently thank you for giving me this beautiful blessed journey thank you for choosing me to be a mother to be a wife I'm so grateful okay we got to get on our knees and I know it's hard I know it's hard I know it's hard because it's incredibly intimate and I hear it from the gentlemen in our community all the time that haven't gotten down on their knees but the best gift that you can give your wife is to get down on your knees and pray over your wife and put yourself in that uncomfortable position and then it gets easier and then it becomes a habit and then it becomes a daily routine that you do morning and night. And it's going to change your life, I promise you. If you could do one thing, just one thing out of all the things, that would be the thing that I suggest for you. And I want to, I really want to say this as well as someone who cares deeply about your marriage, because I know sometimes it's hard. It's hard. It's hard because there's a lot of people that don't care about your marriage. Okay. They care about the things that they care about, and they're going to put pressure on you to do the things that they need done. I'm telling you this as someone who cares about your marriage and I want the best for your marriage. Any other thing that you're fighting for, the number one thing is to fight for each other, okay? Build together and put God first place. Always, always, always. So let me say this as someone that loves you as a couple. And I love, I want to see you live the best marriage. Okay? Repair that does not threaten peace. No matter what you thought before, because I know. Repair it feels scary It that uncomfortable conversation it going to protect the peace Avoidance is what shatters your marriages what fractures your marriage Even if it feels like oh, it's peaceful because we don't have to talk about it, right? That's a lot of stuff being swept under the rug and that's incredibly toxic. Silence is the thing that creates distance. and distance erodes intimacy. We were talking about that. Intimacy doesn't fade. Just remember, intimacy won't fade because you're talking too much. Quite the opposite. Okay. Intimacy fades because you don't repair. Because we don't repair. I don't like to say you because I don't want anybody to think I'm coming at anyone, but it's because we, why don't I just say we as a community, because we've all been there, it fades because we stop repairing. And if you can, if you can continue this pattern of repair, it is, it is guaranteed that intimacy will return. Okay. And if you don't, what is it going to do? It's going to fade over time every time. Grab your journals. It is time. It's time. So grab your journals. Take a snapshot if you can't commit to writing in your journals right now. But I think that these are some really great questions. So sit with these gently. And the first one we're going to visit is what did repair look like in the home I grew up in? This might be easy. It might be difficult. It might bring some stuff up. Were there certain topics off-limit even when they hurt us as children? Or did you see that there was certain topics that were off-limit for your parents? Just let it come out however it comes out. Don't judge it too much. what patterns from my childhood show up in my marriage today do I confuse peace with avoidance this one this one's different for everyone I mean they're all different for everyone but how do I respond when closeness feels uncomfortable this one's an important one what helps my spouse my partner, my love what helps my love feel emotionally safe during repair what helps my spouse feel emotionally safe during repair and this is the final one what would repair look like if it didn't feel threatening beautiful no shame just let it come out however this is just bringing awareness this is just bringing awareness with love I feel when we journal we learn so much about ourselves. It is so underrated, isn't it? I love it. Now listen, if peace has entered your home recently, we need to nurture it. Okay, repair is so important. And it's going to lead us to the goal, to the goal that we have for our marriage. Learning how to repair safely is one of the most powerful skills a couple can build. So I love to call it the art of repair because it's not easy. It is a skill that we need to master. It's a skill we need to master. that is for certain that is for sure okay my dear friends let's put a prayer over this one okay take a moment with me Heavenly Father teach us how to protect peace and pursue connection give us the courage to have hard conversations with love, the humility to repair when safety is strained, and the wisdom to lead. Give us the wisdom to lead our families with grace, with love, with kindness, with all the things, with all the skills, with all the knowledge that you have put within us and blessed us with. Help us to lead our families in that very way. Help us to break cycles that no longer serve us, no longer serve our children, our marriage, and help us to build marriages that will strengthen our marriage and our children can learn from. And we say this in your name, amen. Amen. I'm so grateful I'm so grateful for you guys I'm so grateful that you guys are putting in the work I am so proud of you guys for putting in the work in your marriage in your family, in your legacy I'm so proud and if this episode gave you language for something you've felt but couldn't name, please share it with someone who may be struggling quietly. And subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next because we got some great conversations. And leave a kind review. And five golden stars, as Daniel would say. because that helps this message reach families who are searching for connection. And as always, we celebrate the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. These little ones are on fire and they have this incredible community of little leaders. I'm so proud of all the little ones in this community. they're learning and growing and leading and doing incredible things and again daniel and destiny have been working so hard with their their screen free learning show teaching leadership and faith and emotional strength to our next generation of leaders these are all of our little ones we're just, we just, we're just so grateful. The little, the little, little ones, Daniel and Destiny, they're just so grateful. They're so grateful to be able to just have, I always get, always get emotional because it's just, there's so many of these beautiful little, beautiful little ones, just, oh, they've got so many goals and so many plans. Do you remember being little? Do you remember? Like it just puts a big smile on my face. Do you remember being that age when you believed anything was possible? And I don't know what happened in life, but sometimes life, people around you, negativity kind of talks you out of it. But this little community of like-minded kids It's just, you can do it. Wow. That's an amazing idea. Like I just, I love their conversations in their community. Anyway, if you haven't listened to it yet, join the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. Subscribe. And hey, if you want to help produce the show, you can do that. You can do that with your family. You can go to buymeacoffee.com backslash entrepreneurkids and it's also in the show notes. So if you want to help sponsor the show, they're using their own savings to produce this show, but it's always such a, they're always so grateful. We're always so grateful when we have part of the community support and produce. It's amazing. So listen, peace protects the home. Okay, remember that. repair protects the heart, the heart with intimacy and the connection. That's where it is. Peace and repair, right? Repair is where connection is built. And when safety is restored, You guys are unstoppable. God bless you guys. Glory to God always. This is how we become unshakable. God bless you all and we will see you soon. Good work, guys. I know this one is a tough one. It's a tough one. Repair is tough, but it's needed. God bless you. See you soon. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this important message from Mama. Share with someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future leaders ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the Entrepreneur Kids. Legacy Show! We know you'll love it. Be bold. Be kind. Build an unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the first. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only. And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight. and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business.