Bert Kreischer

So my dad doesn't find me funny. He does not find me funny. Like in this moment or at all? At all. Okay. Like he doesn't get me. So like I made him laugh. We went, this is a good wrestling story. And I'm going to let you know that this will probably be in a special. And it will be a lot better. But you're getting. You heard it here first. You're getting the skinny story. Oh, what's your story? Don't you dare be sour. Clap for Stephanie and feel the power. The hardest thing about having blood clots is this. You can't do that? You can't cross your legs. Really? So in bed, I'm a big leg crosser. Right? And so it's almost. Do you know that's usually because of your back? I have sciatic problems. Yeah. So we thought my blood clot was sciatic for real. Really? Initially, I was on, the day before I went into the hospital, I was in my recliner and my sciatic got so bad I couldn't move my leg at all. And so. That's a terrible feeling. You know, you don't, I'm sure you're familiar with this. You don't know how precious your mobility is. there are things that I didn't know were precious in life mobility anonymity like I stole my daughter's anonymity like I just took it I'm sure you're somewhat familiar yeah I never had any anonymity I don't even think I could say that word it's like your life was out there always I did that to both my daughters did you ever change your name no I didn't my daughters did they go by Kreischer if you talk to them. Really? And in school, and their mailing address, it's a different last name. Wow. It was creepy. A UPS driver pulled up for a delivery, and he was like, to Isla, and he was like, Isla Kreischer? She was like, yeah, and he's like, Isla Kreischer who put her finger in the ass and put it in the dog's mouth? And he was like, she's like, yeah, that's me. He's like, Isla Kreischer, that like, was with that Vietnamese family that went ziplining? She goes, yeah, that's me. Yes. Isla Kreischer, the one that had the period party? And she's like, oh, I get it. what is it? He's like, I have a package for you. Yes, thank you, sir. And then he's like, can I get a picture? And she's like, no. Yeah, certainly not. Yeah, so they changed it to Hitler. Oh, great. Well, I mean, you know, it says a lot about you. No one talks to that person. Here you go, Hitler. Yeah, they just want to stay away completely. Yeah, nobody's asking questions when they deliver packages at that point. Just a pile of mail. So I wanted to ask, you look great, by the way. Thank you. I mean, are you feeling better or no? Sadly, I feel phenomenal. You do? I feel so good. I'm so crisp and clean on stage. I am so, I mean, really, honestly, I'm eating very clean and I'm sleeping amazing. I mean, I sleep so good. Even without your feet crossed. Even without my, that's the only thing that stinks. I'm going to uncross for him. No, no. It won't last. I'll just constantly cross. We're trying. Sorry. You can live vicariously through our... I'll manspread. Okay. No, I feel phenomenal. And my workouts are better. And, you know, when the doctor said to me, when I got the blood clot, for everyone who doesn't know, I found a blood clot in my leg and then I had blood clots in my lungs, which is the scary part. So scary. Yeah. And my daughter... But you caught them. We caught them, which is the... I mean, you hear so many horror stories of people just dying instantaneously. And I have to say this, just so I know we may touch on this moving forward, but our dog passed away instantaneously yesterday, like within two minutes, just on a couch and then dead. It was horrible. It was a horrible experience. I'm so sorry. That's okay. Thank you very much. Izzy. Izzy, yeah. Oh, the best goddamn dog. I don't know. We'll save that. But what you think, you forget how precious life is. And then when they caught it, they're like, you know, this is great. You know, we got it. And so we're going to get you, we have protocol to help you get healthy. And so there's a moment where you get this CAT scan and they find the blood clots. And there's a moment where you wait. There's a lot of moments in a hospital. When they roll you past everyone to go to the CAT scan and you're like, thank God I'm not them. And then when they roll you back and you're like, I'm worse than them. that's the weird part and then there's um then there's the moment where you don't know what's happening and then they come in and they're like good news it's not as bad as we thought and you're like oh thank god and they're like but you know you're gonna be on blood thinners and you can't drink on them and i'm like no no not a problem and they're like for six months i was like hold on oh not forever i go no not well my cardiologist said i wouldn't mind putting you on putting you on blood thinners forever on a different dosage and different protocol maintenance but they're like six months and i where what month are you in one oh yeah and so i'm gonna i'm a i'm a negotiating type of person right and so i was like i was like okay cool six months and i go can i drink on them and the doctor's like no and i was like like like no nothing at all not at all she's like i just said no and i was like no i'm saying like like on what scale of no is that just the weekend. Yeah. She was like, what are we talking? She goes, do you need to drink? I go, that's an open-ended question. I go, do I need to drink? Can you put it in my IV right now? I was like, yeah, wait, what are we talking about? Like my family's coming over? It's a Sunday night. The sunset, the witching hour. What are we talking about? The sunrise I saw also. Oh. And so she goes, no. And I said, okay, well then I can do that, but can I smoke pot? And she goes, you have blood clots in your lungs. I was like, okay, can I eat edibles? And she looked at my wife. She goes, what are we doing? She's like, you have blood clot in your legs and your lungs. There's nothing. I need you to be 100% clean. So what happens if you fall? That's the big... So of course I got a second opinion. There's no way I'm going to fucking listen to this ER doctor. What do they know? I got a cardiologist who does concierge work on the side who tells me what I want to hear a lot of times. We love those on the side doctors. Only thing he's ever said to me is, dude, you gotta stop taking Xanax. He goes, it melts your brain. Like, that's the only thing. I'm never gonna let you take Xanax again. He's awesome. And did you stop Xanax or is that now back in the rotation? No, I would love if Xanax got back in. By the way, I could do all this with Xanax. No, I said to him, I said, how serious is this, you know, not drinking on blood thinners? He's like, listen, I know you. And he was like, if I tell you what I'm supposed to tell you, you're just gonna start drinking again? He goes, or I can just tell you what you need to hear. I said, what do I need to hear? And he goes, don't drink. He goes, you have a health problem. Let's get rid of the health problem, and then we'll figure it out then. He goes, hey, how bad? He goes, I'll tell you what. Let's give it like three months and see where we're at, and we'll address it then. Give it a month. You don't want to go in and get an ultrasound too early. You want to let the medicine do its work. Be as healthy as you can. Be workout. Feel good. Let's do it. And he goes, it would not kill you to do six months. I've been your doctor for 10 years. it wouldn't kill you to do six months but he goes let's let's revisit it in three months and he goes look there's no real correlation with the alcohol and the blood thinners like that but he goes but with you there is because you're gonna you're gonna the wheels will come off you'll let it you'll just start partying again and your blood pressure is gonna be high and yeah he goes none of that's good for you so let's do it then my daughter isla she's like yo you're fucking with my dad as if i'm a different entity as if the guy who parties is also responsible for the guy she loves right like it's a weird there was a weird conversation she's like you're fucking with my dad she goes and if you drink and i lose my dad i will be fucking angry at you for the rest of my life that's all you needed and then i was like oh god going six months it was like it was like when uh when we had Georgia, my youngest, I was like, had her. Such a great feeling. Bring her home. Put her in bed the first, put her in the, in the crib the first time. Leanne's in bed. And I go, Leanne's like, what are you going to do? Open a bottle of champagne? I go, nope. I'm done drinking. She went, really? I said, that little girl will never see me with a drink in my hand. And Leanne went, really? And I went, nope. She goes, well, you know, right now, technically she can't see within six inches from my face. And I went, oh, cool. And then I just started drinking. So did you crack open the champagne? That day, that day, I was like, I'm getting fucking wasted. You got this. Right in the room. I'm getting wasted. Yeah, I'm a dad. Dad's drink. That kid's seen me with drinks my whole life. Cold days, big goals, no time to cook. Factor makes healthy eating easy with fully prepared meals designed by dieticians and crafted by chefs. So eat well without the planning or cooking. 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New subscribers only, varies by plan, one free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active. it seems like isla is the most like you that's what they say at least your show sort of depicts that a little bit yes here's the deal george is the most like me we're the most emotional george is way more emotionally evolved than me um uh georgia is george and i are so similar we butt heads leanne and isla are like a dog barking in a mirror like they are really yes Isla is Leanne if she had had a support system and love in her family. Like Leanne just had to raise herself. She had a mom that was off the rails and a dad that was working on him. And she was just like a feral cat. And so Isla really. Did she have brothers and sisters? No. Single. Only child. And only child like only latchkey child. Right. And so like. She really had to learn a lot by herself. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, look, you know, she's consistently reading self-help books. She's in therapy. She could probably write one. Don't say that out loud. Here's an idea. Yeah, she... Well, experience is your greatest teacher, right? It's so funny. She has this thing called her Bible that at an early age she started taking. Anytime she saw a quote in a book, she'd just rip it out and put it in this notebook. So she has, like, all these great quotes. And, like, I remember there was one. when I first got famous, I got embarrassed of my house. I had a normal house, like an 1,100-square-foot house that I loved. I loved that house. My happiest house I ever owned. And then we got the big house, like 5,600-square-feet on an acre in L.A. It's like crazy. And I got embarrassed of it. And I got embarrassed of me. I got embarrassed of my success. They had this great quote that she just pulled out her Bible, flipped over and she's like denying yourself the right to sparkle uh denies anyone else the right to sparkle like if you don't allow yourself to be your most beautiful thing then what you're saying to other people is you shouldn't be beautiful you shouldn't sparkle and I heard that and I went oh yeah you should really just like what you that's why I don't read comments or anything because I don't want anyone to take away what makes me really feel great and wake up with like a pep in my step and and and feeling good about myself you know you earned it yeah you work hard to earn feeling good about yourself and it's so silly that someone that you don't know can take that away for a day you know yep i know exactly what you're talking about yeah and why in a string of however many comments you can read 10 positives and one negative and like you just fixate on that one negative comment i don't know what that is about human nature but that seems to be what we do yeah and then and by the way like this is a great moment of georgia like georgia how emotionally involved georgia is i did uh netflix obviously there's a part of netflix we're here tonight i did the um netflix christmas day game and it was a great experience working for netflix has always been a great experience and i have a blast i have a few cocktails take the shirt off for for i wasn't sure how you were going to show up today oh yeah just saying well i got my belly button back now that I've lost weight, so I take my shirt off way more. Isla told me we were in Hawaii, and she goes, buddy, you've got to start losing weight. And I said, why? She goes, I know you can't see it, but you're losing your belly button. And I was like, what? And I couldn't see it. I was like, is it bad? And I have a belly button phobia. Like, I have a few phobias. Clowns, balloons, and belly buttons. Oh, yeah. And I do not like my belly button touched. And, oh my God, what's crazy, what's crazy is Isla was like, I had gotten so fat, it was starting to become an Audi. and then you know when like women get pregnant and so I could feel it touching my shirt oh and that just wigged you right out and Isla would know when it was touching my shirt she was like uh oh are you sensory overloading and I was like ah you gotta lose weight, get your belly button back that was the first thing Leanne said when she saw me naked she goes you're getting your belly button back I was like that's not what you want to hear I feel like it's a compliment it's not that bad you look so great Look at you. Flat stomach. Well, I sucked in. I got hairier. When you get fat, your hair spreads out. Right? So you don't look as hairy. And then when you lose weight, it gets hairier. Super hairy. Are you going to wax it? No. No. No. Leanne, I shaved my chest. Look, I'm from Florida, okay? So I'm like part meathead. So we used to trim up our chest to make it look nice and neat. No, groom. I still caesar out my tits. Like I cut a line. What's your grooming tool? I have a liner. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's the best thing. Probably the best thing I ever learned from black men is about liners. Okay. Because they do sharper edges, and they're a real thin razor with a longer blade. And the ones I use are, I forget the name of them, but they're really great. And so what I do is I get out of the shower, I comb my breast hair down. Right. While it's wet. You shave while it's wet. This is a tutorial. Okay, here we go. I go up under here and then right to here. And it looks like I have breasts. The worst is I did that to Thompson Girl one time. As friends do. It's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. We're in Hawaii. It's our first day in Hawaii. We're down at the beach. And I go, buddy, can I hook you up? And he goes, what's that? What do you mean? I said, listen. I said, I want to shave your back. It's really hairy. but more importantly what I'd like to do, I go, your underarm hair is connecting with your chest hair. I go, if we can hollow that out. Just separate it a little. Give you a distinct underarm so people think there's a pit there and not just underarm fold. Shadows. It's all shadow work. It's all shadow work. And I go, and then what I'm going to do is I'm going to hollow out your breast and I'll line it so it looks like you have muscles. Oh, yes. And this is a very different Tom Segura. Now, the Tom Scurry you know and love right now, this is a different one. This is fat Tom who always had hot sauce in his pocket. You'd go to dinner with him and he'd pull out his own hot sauce. Okay, that's commitment. And he was dumber then. He was so much dumber. And we'd go up to the room. I'd shave his back clean. He's dumb because he lets you do this. I know. That's what I was going to say. He trusted me. Because you're, of course, a master manscaper. Yes. And in Hawaii, so zero drinks. I've been drinking pretty aggressively Did you cut his nipple off? No, no, no, no By the way, you can find the footage You can find the footage It's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life So I trim out the underarm And then I go up under And I get the first breast All I get is one breast And as I start the next one I'm really close to the fourth And I pull back and I realize It looks like his tit is wearing sunglasses And I'm like Oh, this isn't good. And it looked like they're wearing a mask. Like it does. And I go. Like a superhero mask. Like the Lone Ranger. Like he's about to rob a bank. And I said to Tom, I go. I started giggling. And he looked at me so vulnerable. And he goes, does it look good? And you're like, no. I laughed so hard. I thought I was having a stroke. I was on the toilet, sweating, crying, laughing. And he was like. With him standing in front of you. And he's standing in front of the mirror. I'm off to the side He's like It looks like He goes This is why guys Shave their balls and dick To make it look bigger He goes I just look fatter That's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life I mean I've like I've like the top five hardest That's by far one of them Right up there Oh my god What's another one? I'm trying to think I have I have one One was like Just silly We were in Catalina And And Movie We were, uh, we were, we were, we used to be big family vacations with these families that we're all friends with. So we all had kids the same age. So it's like, maybe it's like 12 of us, 15 of us. It's the Schmitz, the Gillens, the Chrysler's. My sisters were there. My old roommate is a big group, big, big group of like young nuclear family. And we had the girls and what we'd had just gotten popularized again. And so we're in on Catalina and we see a Buffalo in Catalina. For those of you that don't know, the Cubs, the owner of the Cubs used to own Catalina, and he'd hold spring training out on Catalina. And as we're experimenting with marijuana for the first time since college, right? It just got legalized in LA. With your kids. Medicinal. My kids are there. Leanne's sober. Me and these guys are all smoking weed. My sisters are with me. It's a great group. My sisters make me laugh so hard. And we see Buffalo, and someone goes, wow, there's Buffalo out here? and someone goes, yeah, the owner for the Cubs brought them out. And my sister goes, oh, for a scrimmage? And I laughed so hard. You know when you visualize it and then all you can see is the owner of the Cubs in a seersucker shoot with a big cigar looks out to left field and his team is warming up. And then he looks out and sees buffalo grazing and he looks at his assistant and he goes, I meant the fucking team. and he was like, oh, I brought the real buffalo, sir. And I couldn't stop laughing. It's one of those laughs where you, as you visualize it, you keep laughing harder and harder. This message is sponsored by Raycon. With the Winter Olympics this month, there is no better time to get inspired, push harder, and upgrade your workout routine. The active noise cancellation blocks out distractions so I can fully lock in no matter what I'm doing. My music stays crisp and powerful. my podcasts are crystal clear, and I stay focused from start to finish. Podcasts like this one. With the quick charge function, 10 minutes of charge time gives me 90 minutes of playtime. And right now is the perfect time to grab them because they're 15% off. Here's the kicker. Raycon delivers the same premium audio quality as the big brands, but at half the price. Add in over 3 million happy customers and a 30-day happiness guarantee, and there's zero reason to overpay. I've been using these earbuds pretty much every day since I got them, and they've become a part of my daily routine. The Everyday Earbuds Classic are here to help you go for gold. Go to buyraycon.com slash W-Y-S to get 15% off. Thank you, Raycon, for sponsoring. The hardest my dad ever, I'm gonna do this, this is a little bit of a bit, but this is the hardest my dad's ever laughed. Feel free So my dad doesn find me funny Oh He does not find me funny Like in this moment or at all At all Okay Like he doesn find me funny he does not find me funny in this moment or at all at all he doesn get me I made him laugh this is a good wrestling story I'm going to let you know that this will probably be in a special and it will be a lot better but you're getting the skinny story we went to a Disney resort for a luau long story short my dad did not want to go to a Disney resort the alcohol was minimal and they said they had a special guest coming and I look around, I see Moana and so obviously as a wrestling fan, I go, it's the fucking Rock. Naturally. And so I make so much noise going, they're going to bring out the Rock and they're like, who's ready for a special guest? Me! And I'm like, I can smell what's up my head! Shirts off, whipping around my head and they're like, put your hands together for Mickey Mouse and my dad's like, oh my God! Doubled over. He's like, they think you're a Disney adult, they think you're a molested. And my dad, the hardest I've ever seen him, The hardest he's ever laughed. The hardest he's ever laughed. This is a bit, but it's the truth. Christmas, probably 15 years ago, I'm in D.C. I call my wife, and I go, hey, what do you want for Christmas? She goes, pajamas. I go, oh, cool. So I hear pajamas. She wants pajamas. She gets pajamas. Now, the D.C. improv is right next to a gap. So I go in the gap, and I go, I need seven pairs of pajamas. And the guy goes, do you want them wrapped? I go, yeah, individually wrapped them. So I get seven pairs of individual pajamas. and I'm like, my wife wants pajamas, my wife's got pajamas. I'm so excited, I nailed it. She said what she wanted, I got it. Seven pairs. I fan them out like a deck of cards under the tree and I'm so excited because I know what she wants and I'm going to kill it. All Christmas, I'm like, open my gift and she's like, I'll get to it, I'm working with the girls. My dad's next to me and goes, you must have killed it this year, buddy. I go, you'll see. So my dad's drinking eggnog and whiskey on Christmas morning. So finally she gets to mine. I've been talking about this present for an hour. The whole family gathers around to see what I got my wife. I maybe built it up too much. Maybe. She opens the first pair and just goes, oh, pajamas. And I go, ooh. Ooh. That's how she reacted to pajamas number one. I can't imagine it's going to build, you know? Two percent. My dad just goes, who the fuck buys someone pajamas? And I'm like, oh, this is going to get bad. She opens the second pair and just goes, oh, more pajamas. My dad looks at the five unwrapped gifts, does the math, and I thought he was having a stroke. He goes, oh, you're a fucking idiot. He starts wheezing. By pajamas number five, I thought we were going to have to call an ambulance. He's like, eee! The pajamas number six, the whole family's going, come on pajamas! Come on pajamas! pajamas number seven they are pissing themselves not knowing that i also bought my mom and sister's pajamas also the hardest i've ever seen my dad the other time my dad laughed the hardest was uh one one year um one right after i got written up in rolling stone magazine i was i went to orland i was gonna move to new york and i was my last hang out with my girlfriend I'm at her family's house and we have a big dinner and we're in Orlando, we go out and that night I got pretty fucked up, we drank a six pack on the dock, me and her sister's boyfriend I ate a joint I ate it I got locked in their pantry because it was a pocket door so like as I closed it I couldn't find the doorknob and then I was like well if this were a good place to be locked in there's a lot of food I get up in the middle of the night and I urinate on their dining room table oh that's a good move her dad sees me her dad wakes up sees me I then David Blaine the tablecloth lay on the table in the piss and I go back to sleep he moves me to the bed he gets me to the bed I'm still hammered I'm so out of it puts me in my bed wakes up her. She comes out and she goes, he must have just spilled water. I gave him a cup of water. It must be water. And he goes, I think I saw him pissing. So I wake up the next morning. Everyone's at breakfast and they're like, how'd you sleep last night, Bert? I'm like, good. Oblivious to the fact that I've pissed on their dining room table. Everyone leaves breakfast. And tried to go back to bed. And slept in it. Mind you, I smell like urine. I have not showered. She's like, did you piss on my damn... my family's dining room table? I go, no. Of course not. What are you talking about? I'm a grown man. I know. That's what I said. My dad said he saw you pissing on the dining room table. And you know how when you kind of recollect a dream? That sounds familiar. I had a dream about your dad last night. I'm carrying me somewhere. Does your dad wear tighties whiteys? And she goes, he does. I go, I think I'll piss on your table. So I don't go skiing with them. I don't go water skiing. I drive home. This is before cell phones. Yeah. So I stop halfway, like by, there was this circus, circus. Circus World used to be outside Orlando. Right. I forget what it's called, but it's like a circus thing. I stop right by there at a gas station. I call my mom and dad and I go, hey, I'm coming home. Coming home and I'm flying to New York the next day. And they're like, you're not going to spend the day with the Meddox? And that's their real name. And I said, no, no, no. No, you're welcome. It's a long story I'll tell you when I get there. I walk in and my dad it's like it's funny the visual I remember my dad is standing we had a hook where we always kept our keys right when you entered the kitchen in the garage laundry room into it and then right where you kept your keys and my dad has his hand on the hook by the keys and he goes hey buddy what are you doing here and I went I came home early and he goes why I said I didn't feel like water skiing and he goes hold on what's going on and I said We partied last night and he was in. And I go and I pissed on their dining room table. And I watched my dad go. And he's holding on to the keys. And that's the only thing holding his body up. Tell me more. Tell me more. And I go. I guess I got up in the middle of the night and pissed on it. And I go, Mr. Medoc found me. He goes, he found you. He found you. And I go in and I took the tablecloth. He goes, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. And I said, I laid in and he goes, have you showered? And I'm like, no. And he smells me. It's a true story. Oh, God. That's the hardest I've ever made my dad laugh. It's a good bit. It's a good bit. It's going to work. I've never told that one on stage. That's a good one. Yeah, maybe I'll tell it this way. I mean, that's a really good one. Did you just, why did you not tell that one? Did you just remember it recently? No, I just. I was just remembering the hardest time my dad left. I, I, uh, standups weird in that it's funny. Like a lot of times the, your best bits, you won't know their bits. You're just like, Oh, it's a story I tell my friends. I don't know how to get it on stage. And then people like, you got to tell that on stage, but you don't know how to get into it. You don't know how to like, like, like, uh, yeah. Like that's the beauty of being around standups. Like I remember one time I was just talking to Joe about this the other day. I was at the comedy store and I was like, we were doing a new material night where people yell stuff out and then you riff on it and someone said uh Anne Frank and I was like oh it's so funny I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person and the room's like what and I told a story of how I found out at the Anne Frank house that they're not and I got off stage and you know Rogan has like many faces but his best face he has is when he's confused by you. It's almost like if you ever watch him listen to stories about aliens, it's the same face. Okay, no, I know that face, yes. He goes, what? Is that true? Is that real? Yeah, and he goes, is that a bit? And I went, no. And he goes, you gotta talk about this on stage. You gotta get back up. You gotta go into another room and explore the story. And I was like, what's so funny, that's the same day I went to a live sex club and they had this flying dildo show. And he was like, oh my God, oh my God. And that became a big bit. But it's like, you don't know. The pajama story was a story I told right before I was about to do Secret Time, which I, by the way, shot here in Philly at the truck. And Adam Egott, I just did it. Like, I just told it on stage, like in the OR, not thinking, getting ready for my special, but not thinking it would fit. And Adam Egott, who now runs Joe's Club, the company mothership, came up to me. He goes, that is hysterical. And I was like, yeah, but it's a story. In my head, I was like, it's a story about people laughing. It's not really like, and he was like, I don't give a shit. No, because it's so relatable. She's in pajamas, so I got her seven. So I got her, I nailed it. I have a story I'm working on that I can't, that when I tell on the bus, like if I tell friends, it's so funny, but I can't get to work on stage about Isla for like a year spoke with a French accent. And it was all to piss Leanne off. And it was, it used to make me laugh. so hard and then she just stopped isla's just such an interesting she sent 95 pictures of our dog last night she just kept texting texting texting so our kids are very emotionally grown up my children are um i was not i was angry all day i was angry this morning i was angry i just i get angry when uh instead of your initial response yeah yeah and isla was like isla talked me off a Georgia was like, hey, you got a show to do. Like, they're just really, really wise children. Valentine's Day is coming up. And the best gift you can give is showing up confident, energized, and performing your best where it matters most. Game Day Men's Health specializes in helping men optimize testosterone, energy, and sexual performance with real testing, face-to-face visits, and personalized treatment plans. No long waits, no online guesswork. Do you think they test the sexual performance? Yes. Wow. If you've noticed lower energy, reduced drive, or performance issues, don't ignore it. Book your free in-clinic consultation at gamedaymenshealth.com and feel like your best self this Valentine's Day. Do you have Mastiffs or Bull Mastiffs? Bull Mastiffs. Bull Mastiffs. I think that's the end. I grew up with bull mastiffs. They're the fucking best. Yeah, and now we have mastiffs. Oh, maybe we'll go mastiffs. Yeah, and I have some pictures to show you. This is Mac and Izzy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know, I just put it on there today. Oh, that is so awesome. Mac passed while we were in Hawaii, oddly enough. We were on a hike or a walk, me and Leanne, and the vet was like, we got to put him down. And we had to put him down on Zoom. I'm so sorry. And then, and it's, it's, it's interesting because I was thinking about our two dogs, right? So we knew Mac had cancer and, but we got to spend like a solid six months extra with him of, of just giving him love. And then, and then, you know, obviously, luckily because of that, we knew how precious Izzy was to us. So this six months that Mac passed in August, so whatever the, you know, four months it's been. We've been loving on Izzy like crazy because we miss Mac. But I don't know which is better, to go within two minutes and you don't see it coming and you feel it like a ton of bricks or to draw it out. Well, you got to give her all that extra love, though, anyway. Yeah. So I have a similar story. This is Andre. He was 240. He's a big, big, big boy. That is a gorgeous dog. He was my boy. And we found out he had an osteosarcoma in his leg. Found out because we thought he needed knee surgery, and he did. But then when they were in there, they found that he had bone cancer. So that's how Mac went. And you can't cut their leg off. No. They're too big. They just cut their leg off. They're too big. You can't do it. It's heartbreaking. And then you watch that leg tremble. Yeah. And you're just like, oh, buddy. so this dog like he had such a personality and i tried to gate him in right and i slept downstairs with him and all this stuff he would get out still even with the bum leg and on the last day so we got to love on him right for for two to three months we got to just love on him and the last day was so hard because we watched our kids say goodbye oh that's the and it was really really really hard um but also so beautiful you know to have the gift of getting to say goodbye um yeah that was that was a rough one the first one the first ones i talked about that in um in my last special lucky um it's so funny you know i not to get in the weeds on like the creative process or production or netflix you know but it's it's interesting i i when you shoot a special sometimes people shoot one show which i think is ill-advised sometimes they shoot two which once again i think is not the best idea four is probably the magic number but unlucky i decided to shoot six and if i hadn't shot six on the last night we had gotten it clearly we'd gotten it in four but on that last night um my one of my best friends and the guy who does all my shows he does free bird as well like he Tony Hernandez I grew up with him and Leanne's a producer on everything I do they're like yo tell the story about putting down Mac and it's such an emotional story but it's very funny and um and by the way it was probably the standout bit in Lucky that everyone passed around because if you've lost a dog you identify it's a lot of things that happen that only if you've put a dog down are you familiar with like when they go they come and they go I'm gonna give him a shot to make him feel a little better and you watch this dog who struggled for the last day and a half just get a like go that was a close call huh guys and you're like oh your heart breaks you're like oh baby girl but um I talked about putting Priscilla was our first Bull Mastiff and we were we were all I mean it was like but it's watching your kids go through it is the hardest that's the hardest we had them we were on our way to go to New Hampshire for like a break it's where my husband's family's from and so we had everybody say goodbye and then the kids left and then Paul and I had the vet come to the house oh wow the kids weren't we didn't have them there for his final moments I didn't think that that was we gave them the option but I encouraged them I didn't think that that was the best I didn't know that was an option yeah I just they got to say their goodbyes and then you know but when they gave Andre the muscle relaxer he looked at me like desperate and made eye contact like, is this okay? And I was like, it's okay, buddy. You're going to be just fine. And then he closed his eyes. But now we have Gus. And we have Attila. I love Attila. Attila was the girl that we loved on. And you can see her here with Gus. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's Attila. Oh, my God. They look almost identical. But so you had a reverse brindle. Reverse brindle. Yeah. She came up. She came up. I was on tour. I was doing the celebrity theater in Phoenix. And Leanne said, I want a dog. And I said, great. She goes, there's one 30 miles from here. And I went, hold on. Now, I am a little bit of a meathead. So I'm like, I go, what? She goes, it's their very last one. I go, that's the one no one wanted. She goes, I don't give a shit. She's like, it's a good dog. It's a beautiful dog. Let's go meet it. I go, baby, if it's like going to get a car, if you go look at cars, you're buying a car. If we look at this puppy, we're going to get a puppy. And we walked in to this house. And this Izzy came up. And I did not want Izzy. Oh. And she climbed up in my lap. And she laid back with her feet out. And it was like this. Really? And went to sleep. On your belly? On my belly and my belly as they're talking about what, and I went. Oh my God. I go, we're getting this fucking dog. And Leanne was like, for real? And she was beautiful. Reverse brindle. Beautiful dog. And she was an apocalypse dog. Like when, if you had to live through an apocalypse, this is the dog you want walking by your side everywhere you go. If you woke up and walked outside, she walked with you and just stood next to you. And when I went to the gym, she'd walk to the gym with me. And then if you were in the gym and she couldn't find you in the house, she'd go to the gym window and just stare at you and wait until you open the door. And you could tell what the best thing about this dog is you could go, Izzy, go lay down. And she'd go lay down. Like that's the best. I mean, just the best dog. Mac was a whore. Mac was the one. He wanted to be inside you. He was 160 pounds and he wanted to be on you, in you at any moment. He could not any space. And he was Leanne's dog. I mean, everyone always claims a dog. I always get the crap dog, you know? But, like, Mac was the prettiest dog you've ever seen in your life. I mean, you would take pictures of this dog. And just like every beautiful person, dumb as shit. And just, you'd get the greatest pictures of Mac. And then Pris was the one before. Pris was like the, Pris was, Priscilla was our first bull mastiff. Okay. And she was. That's a great name for a bull mastiff. Man. I said this in the, I said this in the special. I got her when I was doing the road a lot and I wanted a bull mastiff because I wanted someone to protect the house. Yeah. And I remember when she was a puppy, she was nervous and scared. I've said this in the special or whatever, but it's true. She was nervous and scared and I had a drink and I got down on the floor with her with a cocktail. I was a little buzzed and I was like, Hey, she was nervous. She was a puppy. I go, you're about to have the greatest life in the world. I go, these little girls are going to love the shit out of you. They're going to play dress up. You're going to have the greatest time of your life. And I go, that woman there, she's going to take care of every need you ever need in your entire life. I go, here's the deal, though. I go, I'm going to be in and out of here. You're not going to see me much. You got to take care of them. You got to be the one. I need you to be a terrorist. Anyone comes through that door, you die first. And I swear to God, this dog got comfortable, looked at me like, I can do that. And no one, I mean, no one came near that house because of that dog. And we lived in an alley. Like, homeless people lived on. That dog would protect that house. And Izzy, if you broke into our house with a ball, it was your house. She would play with you. Mac was beautiful. He didn't care. He was like a men's journal model. He wasn't going to protect you. But, God, those. And now can I tell you the thing that's really breaking my heart is I'm afraid we'll never get another dog. You have to. Yeah, but the girls are in college. And Leanne has spent her whole life raising girls and raising dogs and having dogs. and part of her, I'm afraid she's just going to be like, let's spend some time without a dog and travel and I'll come on the road with you. We're going to go into production on this movie that we're shooting and it shoots on a desert island, so I don't know how. It's like all these things are happening where I know, and she's always a producer on everything I do. We're doing another special. I'm on tour. You are a busy man. I am very busy. I am very busy. I should not have a dog. I really shouldn't. Maybe I'll get, and I don't want a little, I want. I was gonna say, what about a little dog? No, no, no, no. When you showed me your dog, I was like, can you tell me where you got your dog? Yes. Beowulf mastiffs Yeah I gonna name the first one Grendel Oh yeah There some great Mastiffs are the best I mean I partial Mastiffs are the Bentley You know? Like, they are the Bentley. They are enormous. So, Gus, right now, is a 180-pound puppy. And he tears the house up. He gets the zoomies. He's so good. And he's like... And he just... He really does. he wrecks everything. He takes everybody out, clips you right at the knees. I mean, he's brutal and wakes me up at least twice in the night to go outside. For real? For real. He's a baby still. Do you sleep in bed with them? They are not allowed in our beds. They're too big. We were sleeping with all the dogs in bed at one point. Three dogs and a cat. That must be fun. Oh, I loved it. I loved it. But you'd roll over and you'd grab onto anything. I can't imagine a life without a dog. I can't imagine not having a dog. Because it's just pure unconditional love. Pure love. You come home and you have a crappy day and they're like, hello. And their eyes will be like, what's up? Like heart eyes. Our little puppy has cartoon heart eyes when he looks at you like the greatest thing in the world. Every woman in my house got a cat. Everyone got cats. Everyone, Isla, Isla's therapist says get her a cat. We get her a cat. This cat, I hope Isla's not watching, is a piece of shit. I mean, it is, Frankie is one person's cat. It is one person's cat. It is Isla's cat. It doesn't like anyone else. Yeah, and it is, it gives you bitch eyes anytime it sees you. Oh, yeah, I don't love cats. I don't either. And then Georgia has a rescue cat that like, I gotta be honest with you Leanne kidnapped a cat we had a cat a missing cat it's a poster can I tell you so there's a cat that's coming into our into our neighborhood into our house into our yard and it's always coming in and and and it's got like a chip on it like a right right tag air tag so it's coming in all the time and there's coyotes in LA and it's just living in our front yard. It's not going home. It's just living in our front yard. So Leanne's like, well, I'll open the garage door so it has a place to hide. So then it's living in our garage. So then Leanne leaves out food. I go, don't give it food. It's never going home. It's never going home. Yeah. So then I go, you got to find out whose cat this is. So Leanne takes the cat over to the neighbors and is like, hey, I think this is your cat. And they're not from this country. So they're like, it's a street cat. And they're like, what? She goes, it is everyone's cat, not our cat. It's street cat. And she's like, so it's a street cat? And he's like, yeah, it's street cat. Leanne's like, no, it's not. It's our cat. So the cat now lives with us. Well, there you go. You got rid of that air tag. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Leanne took off the air tag. I was like, welcome home. By the way, I'm changing your name. It's like if it's your cat and you have an air tag on it, you're looking for it. You would think. He was like, no, it's street cat. So do you do accents other than Russian? No. That's it. I do that and I do a very confusing European guy wait it's so bad that you can't even tell where it's from I go I can't even do it now I'm really bad at accents I can do Kermit the Frog but everyone thinks it's Patrick Mahomes it's in the middle of it I can only grab it in a bit in a bit I can go to voices that I do in the bit like which I don't think means hey you're okay stay there but I can only run it in the bit I can't just do it out of nowhere yeah I hate when people say do that accent I'm not good at accents I'm not either apparently I can do Leanne's accent but it's so bad she gets angry I'm like hi y'all she's like that don't sound like that you do to me she says things like I need an ink pen Yeah, and where is she from? Georgia, right? Small town in Georgia, just on the border. Okay, because your daughter was named after. Georgia was named after Leanne State, and then Isla was named after a drunk aunt she had, Aunt Isla, who was like an artist and an alcoholic. I'm painting my picture of it, but a lunatic. In the best way. In the 50s when you're not supposed to be a fried green tomatoes lunatic. Right, right. Like Shirley MacLaine and fried green tomatoes. and so um man we got that paid out in dozens so and so uh i didn't name any of our kids we were gonna have a third but then lea isla just took the soul out of leanne second one isla was like isla just she you know both our kids are interesting in different ways like georgia is i had a british really smart british comic i forget his name but i did a podcast with him and he was like, you know, I've watched a lot of your stuff. I watched a lot of your stuff. Yeah, you are bad at it. I'm really bad at it. I'm trying to do it right now. Okay. Okay. I watched a lot of your stuff. Okay, Davey. And he was like, Georgia is your Jiminy Cricket. I never understood what that meant. But like Georgia my entire life with that child has been like, she's almost like your teammate. She just ponies up to you for fun, but almost to witness the world with you. She was the one I would laugh at. We taught Isla how to ride a bike. I taught George how to ride a bike. George was very emotional, and so it was a day. It was a full day. I took the pedals off. We went to the park. We found a very subtle downhill. She didn't get it at first, and then she gave up and threw a tent, like melted down. And then I got her back, and then she learned how to ride a bike, and then she was so proud of herself. And then the day we were going to teach Isla to ride a bike, Georgia comes in like my assistant coach. Dad, we got this. We're going to teach her. And I was like, that's right. And so I said, I'm going to take the pedals off your bike. And Isla goes, no, I got it. And I was like, you don't have it, Isla. Like, trust me. She goes, I got it, Dad. Just give me a push. And so I was like, okay. so I give her a push and the kid gets it and then within 50 feet hits the front of a BMW and goes over the handlebars onto the hood and Isla in Georgia just looks at me and goes did you see that? I go yeah and so then I go Isla she goes I'm good I'm good do it again I'm great dad so we put her on and then she somehow it's a higher fire hydrant and goes over a fire hydrant and we're like oh my god so we put her on again and she hits a trash can and then georgia looks at me and goes do you think she needs glasses i mean georgia is that's who georgia is like your assistant do you remember the tv show coach she's like dauber and so uh like georgia would be the one that hey have you seen your youngest daughter and i'm like i haven't she goes because she's stuck in a tree. And then you go out and Isla's at the top of the tree going, how do I get down? Where's the door? Yeah, I mean, the two of them, I remember Isla and Leanne got into a fight one morning. Georgia's like, Georgia was the, I don't mean to slight one kid and prop up but Georgia was the ideal child. Hey, you'd open the door to wake her up and she'd already be awake going, I'm already up. I've been reading. And you're like, oh, awesome. I mean, Leanne would get everyone ready for school and I'm sure this is in therapy they'll figure out what this did to Georgia but everyone ready for school and Georgia would be backpack on socks pulled up over calves shoes on ready to go packed her own lunch box hairbrushed braided her own hair and Isla would not have clothes on yet would be naked in front of the shoes putting on socks and going I don't like the way they feel I don't like the way they feel and so One time they're fighting so bad. Isla and Leanne. Isla will not put on shoes. None of her shoes feel right. Which, by the way, is me. That's entirely me. I've packed Isla's shoes. See? She's a lot like you. Yes. Her and Leanne get into a crazy fight. And then Georgia pulls me aside. She's like, you got to stop this. Like, I go, what? She goes, I mean, we're not going anywhere. Mom's not talking to her. She's not talking to mom. I need to get to school. You've got to be a referee somehow. So I go to Isla. I said, you need to apologize to your mom. And she goes, absolutely not. And I went, what? She goes, she can come to me. And I was like, and by the way, Isla had to be, this had to be 2010 at least. So Isla had to be six or four. She's probably six years old. Maybe seven. And I go, Isla, we're going to go into the room. Your mom's in the closet. You're going to say you're sorry. And that we found a pair of shoes. We found a pair of shoes for her. So she puts on her shoes. she walks into the closet. Leanne is facing her clothes in the closet, knows we're in there and will not turn around. Isla's standing behind her, looks at me, and I said, Isla, is there something you want to say to your mom? And she goes, I don't know. Does she want to say something first? And Leanne goes, well, what did you want to say to me? And Isla goes, turn around. And Leanne goes, what did you want to say? And Isla goes, Dad, I'm afraid if I apologize, she wins. I'm out. And walked out. I went. I'm afraid of she One time One time George and I got into a Like a fight fight right And I bring them into the kitchen There's our old house Yellow kitchen Standing right in front of our 1950s stove I mean the old stove where you Could lift up this part and cook bacon and then close it And then that was a flat top old stove And I go hey This ends right now I go you girls are sisters You're teammates You don't realize that. You're all you have. One day, mom and I will be gone, and it will just be you. And you have to appreciate the person you are looking at right now, and they're staring at each other. I go, there's only one thing to say to each other right now, and I think you know what that is. Georgia, she goes, Isla, you're my sister, and I love you with all my heart, and I'm sorry. And I go, that is beautiful, Georgia. I said, Isla, what are you going to say to your sister? And she goes, I accept your apology. So good. and we're like what the fuck my daughter would have said I don't accept your apology after all that and then it escalates right away again I'm bummed that it's this is what's upsetting me about the dog but I'm bummed that it's over I'm bummed that the dogs but maybe it's not totally over but the dogs that they knew the dogs that they had the dogs that they grew up with they're all gone it's a new chapter and I don't like new chapters And then they're going to come home and they'll meet the new, maybe they'll meet the new dogs. But like, you know, Georgia came back for her first week of college. And like, you know, first semester of college, she came back for Thanksgiving. And our dogs had never experienced separation before. Right. And they lost their minds. When she came home. And they were like, Mac almost was trying to throw out his back. He was like, oh, I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. God, you're back. Your hair's in your color, but I don't care. And Izzy was like, argh. And now these new dogs, if we get new dogs, they'll be like, who are you? And then, you know, it's like, I don't know. It's different. And the girls are in college. But that's life. I don't like it. And I don't like it either. I don't like it. And I'm not saying it like, oh, it's just life. My oldest is a sophomore in college, and my middle is getting ready to go. And I'm not okay. I still haven't gotten over my oldest being gone, and she's not even that far. and my middle is going and I'm not okay. And my youngest is going to turn 16 in August. And the second she gets her car, she's going to be out. Or not car, but license. WWE World returns to Las Vegas this April 16th through the 20th. And it's the can't miss destination during WrestleMania week. WWE World brings the WWE Universe closer than ever to the superstars, legends, and iconic moments that define WWE. With immersive exhibits, exclusive merchandise, and experiences you won't find anywhere else. See superstars like Drew McIntyre, Liv Morgan, Jey Uso, Dominic Mysterio, Tiffany Stratton, and many more with even more appearances still to come. Tickets are on sale now at wweworld.com. Save 10% with promo code YOURSTORY10. You know, can I tell you, this is how, like, so doing this series has been, it was very therapeutic. It was very fun because we're writing off of our real life and we're writing off our real personalities. And so people always say, is Isla like that in real life? Yeah. Yeah. And to impart. Yeah. She was a lunatic and she was crazy and she lived, you know, but Isla was a little different in that because I stole her anonymity, she was a little self-aware at a certain age. At that age, she was a lunatic. and Georgia was very emotional and like our stories in life were always on the shoulder of whatever was going on in Georgia's life at the time you know and Georgia was very uh bullheaded and she wanted to do things her way and and and then you know but can I tell you this is like as I've you know been thinking about you know shows doing pretty well and people like would you do season two this is how much I miss my family is I wanted this was my pitch for season two and Netflix has not heard this yet, I want it to open on me and Leanne's funeral. And young Georgia and Isla are in the front pew and they're really upset. And as people are eulogizing us, a 25 and 27-year-old version of Isla and Georgia come in with veils on and sit down next to them as time travelers and go, hey, cheer up, we can fix this. You just gotta trust us. and then it's them time traveling back to save our lives because i just if i could do anything i'd time travel back to say to live in those lives to cherish the moments that were frustrating me so much as a parent the times that it was like how many times would you go back to the time when they didn't want the seat belt on just to put the seat belt on them one more time to be that close to the baby that smells like Cheerios and just be like, hey, hey, calm down. It's okay. We're together. So many times, teaching them how to swim, how to ride a bike. I mean, all the times are gone. And I get so morose. I talk to my dad about it. My dad gets really sad sometimes when he thinks about all the stuff we've done. And he'll reminisce. And he can get emotional. He can go, we had such a great time. Because he's 77 now. What's his advice? none don't listen to that man okay don't he's his i mean my dad's a little bit old school so you know yeah he's his advice i i i took from what my and i i hope my dad would hear this kindly but i took my dad was very much like he didn't go out didn't party didn't really i mean didn't really like have friends until we left when it was the family it was us every night at our house now I think this develops the man I am today is that I am a guy that always wants to party I always want to be out, I always want to have friends I want to go to other people's houses, I want to have big grill outs and cookouts, I want all of that because we didn't have that as kids my dad just wanted family together, that was it we were this nuclear family, now when my dad's visiting LA we are a wild nuclear family at Christmas, my parents come out it is me, we call it big team is like what we are but what I drew from that is the guy I am today is I'm a little different. So like I kind of go out of my way to fly everyone to LA so that we can all go to, like I took everyone to Hawaii recently. So I want to create memories. Like I'm doing a South Beach Food and Wine Festival and I said to my dad, let me get you a hotel room. Mom's going to be in LA. Why don't I fly you into South Beach and you'll have some great meals and I can get you some, have some great wine. I can't drink with you, but we'll hang out and just go to the festival. My dad's like, okay. So I think the one takeaway I've seen from him is like, I want to make sure that like we spend as much time together as a family as we can. And, uh, but I would go back to like the first time I introduced the girls to chocolate. We were at, we were at the mall in LA. I was like my move as a dad is that Liam was working. I just take the girls to the mall. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Three stories. Family center. Are you kidding me? and I took the girls and the food court I go to the food court they have hot chocolate chip cookies just came out Otis Bunkemeyer? no I think it was Nestle's the Nestle's store Nestle Toll House so I look at the girls and I go have you guys ever had a cookie like a chocolate chip cookie and George is like I don't think so George is older than Isla at the time Isla's not speaking and even when she could speak couldn't understand her and I go but she could walk she learned how to walk before she did anything she learned how to walk at like 10 months you were 10 months according to your mom I think it causes dyslexia just so you know if your kids walk in ankle them and get them on the ground they're supposed to crawl before they walk if they're walking they're not going to read so so I get a dozen hot chocolate chip cookies. I give one to Georgia. Georgia Chrysler Oh no, not too hot. Not too hot. Okay. She takes a bite of a warm chocolate chip cookie. First taste ever. She looks at me and she goes, does mom know about these? We used to go to Ralph's. I would always do events with the girls. I would always take them places. because I wasn't like a sit-at-home dad. So I remember taking them to Ralph's on the corner of La Brea and West 3rd. And I would take them to Ralph's. Now, at a certain hour in the night, usually around like 4 or 5 o'clock, La Brea Bakery would deliver hot bread. And I would get a loaf of hot bread right when it got delivered. I would rip it open, and I'd just shove butter, half a stick of butter in each, in the grocery store. Right. and I'd watch my girls fist warm bread out of the two loaves. Warm buttered bread. Warm buttered bread. And I would, and they're just sitting in the cart, just sitting crisscross applesauce in the cart. Oh, just having the greatest time. I didn't know this was an option. We're going to start doing this with my kids. You get like the fruit fruit. Those moments are like my favorite moments. Like teaching my girls how to hit softballs was like, they had beautiful swings. They had beautiful swings. I want them to have grandkids right away That's where I'm going That's what I'm hoping for People like They can't believe they outlawed abortion in Georgia I go thank god I want a grandbaby I would like some grandchildren I want that baby Your mom's going to raise them I'm going to play with them I can teach them how to talk about chip cookies Mine are still young enough Where it's not really I don't want that just yet but I do. I was 19, I'll take one right now. But I swear, yeah, that's my oldest is 19. She'll be 20 in July, but that's where I'm going because I'm having all these moments too and I'm going through all the pictures and I'm putting together the yearbook ad and I'm like reliving all these moments and it's like, where did it go? Where did it go? It went so fast. You know, Brian, I want to say this. If you're listening, and I know there's this weird thing that's happening in society where people look at, when I was a kid if I saw someone that had money I kind of I kind of fantasized about money I thought it was cool and I know people get shamed for money kill all the billionaires or whatever but I want I always want to say something sometimes when I was growing up I was in a rush to make money because I wanted the big house and the whole time I felt inadequate because I was my house was like 1100 square feet and and I wanted the big house for my girls I wanted the big yard for my not Not realizing what that little house gave us Yeah And I only saying this if you a dad or a mom And like Leanne grew up in a trailer. And so every house was big to her. Yeah. My dad grew up in a trailer. Yeah. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah. And so I remember one time Brian Regan's one of the best comedians that's ever lived. He's one of the most talented comedians ever. and I was, I brought him into my house to a podcast and he said, he said, this is your house? And I went, yeah, but I'm getting, we're about to get like a big, I was really embarrassed. Yeah. And I'm just, I'm just trying to be as honest and as vulnerable as possible. Yeah, of course. And he went, if I were you, I wouldn't leave. I said, what? And he goes, this feels like a house. Like this feels like a family, like a home. And I was like, really? And he goes, yeah. He was like, this is like, he goes, trust me, you're gonna get the big house and everyone will be in the rooms and you're gonna have to scream to get anyone to hear you or call them, God forbid, and it won't feel like this. And then he goes, this smells like a house. And I was like, she's making dinner. He goes, yeah, but I can smell it when I walked in the door. Yeah. And he was like, and it feels like a house. And then he goes, and it sounds like a house. And as he says that, George and Isla run in the house from the pool. And George is like, Mom, Isla kicked me in the vagina. And he's like, see, this is a house. but I always say like you know like I had a hard time when we got our nice house and and we still own our old house and I go to that house and I'm like this house just this was right built like 1930 it never never got it was just perfect it's the perfect house in my opinion and you look and I and you know I said I was talking to I was talking to um Shannon Sharp about like you know when you get money and i said you know what's the difference between like the money you have now and the money you had i don't think this made the interview because it's pretty gross conversation but i go what's the difference like you make a lot of money now i go when your first contract how much you make and he was like four hundred thousand dollar signing bonus seven hundred thousand dollars a year and i was like what was the difference and he thought about it and he went you know back then when i wanted a watch i had to wait for it and save for it and i really thought about that watch and i go now and he goes just buy it i go which one mattered more and he goes oh the first one. When you had to earn. Yeah. And it's like, so what I don't know what I was in a race for. Meaning like when we talk about our kids. Yeah, you're always putting pressure on yourself. I'm putting pressure on myself. Yeah, about what it means to provide for them. I could never sit with the girls and read a book out loud because I felt like I was doing them a disservice by not working, by not writing. I would go on the road for so long because I thought that's what you're supposed to do as a dad is you gotta work. You gotta like I'm letting them down and so I missed out on a lot on a lot and I don't need to tell you in this business everyone misses out on a lot and you find different things to make up for it and it becomes your norm and it becomes my daughters don't know any different it's like you know they don't know any different and they appreciate those moments that they do have with you that much more because it means that much more to them you're not just around all the time and they can take it for granted. It's that much more special to them, those moments that they have with you. And I guarantee if you ask them that, they'll tell you. I hope so. It's true. I mean, it's like... Don't feel guilty, you know, and you can't change the past, but you were doing everything for them. But the moments that you were with them, you seem like such a wonderful family, man. You really do. And you love your wife and your kids and your dogs and maybe even the cats you'll give some grace. But I bet those moments that you did have, you were letting them paint your nails. You were taking them to the grocery store with hot bread and butter. Like you gave them their first chocolate chip cookie with the ooey gooey chocolate. Like they will forever remember those moments with you. So don't ever, don't feel badly. Don't regret that you may have wanted more time. And hopefully you'll get that on the other side with your grandkids. But you didn't shortchange them. yeah I feel like I feel like I did you know I'll tell you what I'd feel worse if I wasn't able to get them to let them go to college I'd feel worse if like you know like so I'm glad I did what I did you know I'm happy you know I've achieved everything I've ever wanted to achieve in life and in all honesty I never thought I'd get what I got I never thought never thought that I'd do a theater let alone arenas let alone let alone the arena we're in right now where my mom grew up like in Philly, I was walking here, and one of the security guards was like, what's up, Bert? But I never thought I'd have a TV show ever. I never thought I'd have a movie. Look, as a child growing up, you know, wrestling, growing up in Florida, wrestling was like, it was almost like something you didn't realize you were being ingrained in. It almost was like fishing or like baseball. Like in Florida, that was wrestling because in Tampa, that is, we had just a thick upbringing of it. Yeah, that's where a lot of people live too. I mean, to see Paul Orndorff wasn't like crazy. It was like, oh shit, look who's there. And I'm good friends with Cody. and when I met Cody for the first time we were drinking a glass of whiskey and we were living together in a hotel in quarantine for a TV show and I said to him do you follow wrestling? I said no, I'm not a wrestling fan I said I gotta say that because I don't want to disrespect you and tell you I am when I'm not and then he was like okay that's cool and I said I just want to be up front and then he was like and then we started talking wrestling as wrestling fans do And then all of a sudden he's like, hold on, you just recounted the Ric Flair-Carrie Von Eric match. In great detail. In great detail. You remember that? And I was like, are you fucking kidding? Who doesn't remember that? And then I started quoting some of his dad's promos to him. And he was like, did you ever see my dad wrestle? I said, yeah, 100%. We used to go to the Tampa Armory and watch matches every Saturday night. And he was like, wait, hold on. I said, dude, one of my favorite moments was with the Yahoo McDaniels. And he's like, hold on, wait. he's like I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything I don't want to freak you out but you're a wrestling fan I hate to break it to you and then I was like well I know but like I don't like and then I was just trying to defend it because I understand how how deep a fan really is but wrestling is as important to me as football is I couldn't tell you the name of Donald is Sam Donald is quarterback playing? Darnold whatever but like I don't but I love football I'm never going to be the one who has the encyclopedia of knowledge yeah but let me tell you something when Paul Hammond came over and shook my hand over there in the commissary I was like and I was like I didn't want to bother you I can't believe you know who I am are you freaking kidding me and I love I've always said this but Tom was not a wrestling fan he made fun of it noticeably and I told him you gotta go to an event that's the only way I said at it's best at its best it's as good as any two minutes left in any game it is just magical it is you disappear you get involved and I was like it's the greatest it's my favorite thing I'm so happy that you guys were working with Netflix because it's in my gym all I watch is Netflix that's all I really that's the only thing I know a password to and the Unreal series is phenomenal the fucking the series on Vince was fucking incredible. Like, I mean, that was like, oh, everything's fucking incredible. And it's like, and then to get to, you know, I mean, like, CM Punk gave me a hug and he's like, I'm sorry to hear about your dog. And I was like. And he just lost his dog. God damn it, I should have known that. Yeah, Larry. I was like, thanks, man. And then he was like, what about my dog? No, no, I'm sure he wouldn't say it that way. But he knows what it feels like. But, you know, WWE wrestling, it is storytelling. It is exactly what you do on stage or in your shows. There's so many correlations to stand-up comedy and wrestling, especially right now. There's so many. I remember Cody said to me, he goes, you're the most professional wrestler I've ever met that doesn't wrestle. And I said, really? He said, you know, you remind me of everyone I grew up with because you sell yourself, you pitch yourself. he goes I knew who you were within two minutes of meeting you I knew everything about you he goes that's wrestling and I was like really and then I look at my promos and my best promos are just great wrestling promos and I think in wrestling promo terms I think like one of my most famous speeches is I'll never quit drinking that's wrestling oh yeah no it's great I love that Tom okay best moment of my life right so best moment of my life, Florida State reaches out and says, can you do the pregame speech to the stadium before the Alabama game? 90,000 people. And I said, I'd love to. And they go, all you really need to do, technically, say God bless the troops, God bless America, and a version of ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. And I was like, okay. I go, didn't Kevin James do that? They're like, yeah, that's what we want. That's what we do. That's what we do here. And I was like, okay. So I go to Fatalist. Me and Tom, we bring Porosos. We do a big, that's our vodka we do a big bottle signing and a big event and we're drunk at 10 o'clock in the morning saturday game day the game is at 1 30. and i'm like and i and tom goes what are you going to say today and i go i don't know and he goes can i just give you some advice i said what and he goes your promos are incredible he was just kind of promo he goes don't he goes every time you get fired up about something it rolls off your tongue and it sounds perfect so just think about florida state what it means to you and then talk to the people not at them talk to them in the in the in the arena in the stadium the athletic director everyone was sitting 10 feet from me the marching bands behind me i have 90 000 people i'm looking at the cameras on me the words they want to hear is God bless the troops. And I start with, my name is Bert Kreischer. I watched everyone. I was lucky enough to spend six and a half years at this beautiful institution. I was baptized in that end zone in 1991 when there were wooden bleachers. When I saw that burning sphere go into that seminal head, tears streamed down my cheeks. Those tears were garnet and gold. 90,000 people. Alabama thinks they're going to come into our house and walk all over us. Bobby Bowden built this house. This is the house that goes north. I mean, it was the greatest moment of my life. Tom Segura, who's dead inside, is crying next to me. The athletic director, who is about to lose his mind. Shout out to Mike Alford. It's like, my shirt's off. I'm whipping it around my head. Go, no. And they're like, do you want to watch this spear go in? I go, yeah. We walk out shirtless to the seminal head. Spear goes in. Everyone's crying. This is the greatest day of my life. And for some reason, Tom had the Lone Ranger mask shaved on his chest. He took his shirt off and his tits were on vacation. His tits were on vacation. that's amazing that is amazing I wish we weren't getting rushed but apparently you are in hot demand and I had some stuff for you too it's unfortunate when can I get you guys on my cooking show anytime I've had it we've had a bunch of we had Seth Rollins Becky and Seth Rhonda oh Oh, yeah. You guys, this community drops gets views. Yeah. Becky went on and like every DM I got, she was like, there's one guy you don't want to cross. She's like, who are you talking about? Everyone was like, who are you talking about? And then Rhonda was like, just trashed Rogan. And I was like. Oh, I didn't hear that part. Yeah. I said, so what do you think of Rogan? And she goes, I mean, he's a fan. he's never done the sport never played it like so as a fan his opinion means nothing to me and i was like i was in my head i was like you know he calls me once a day like i'm gonna talk to him like this is this isn't going away but no it's and then we had cody on cody's i mean i've had cody on a bunch he's he's the he is uh it's funny i i feel like i didn't know him i feel like i got to know him before he was who he is today right so i know i really know him know him and we lived in a hotel for, and you know what's so funny? I've always mispronounced the word nightmare. And he always thought I was fucking with him. And I've just mispronounced it my whole life. I wonder why. And then, you know. There has to be a story. No, no, I just, I just, I mispronounced some words. Because he walked before. Oh, that's right. Because you walked first before you talked. You didn't crawl. I always thought it was nightmare, but it's nightmare. It is nightmare. It's nightmare. I thought it was nightmare. M-A-R-E Massage Massage I kind of like massage I mispronounce on purpose because the internet gets bothered by it Benefleck Benefleck and then if you pronounce his brother Casey Affleck right? People lose their mind Why would you do that? I've been doing tattoo for a long time Tattoo and then I do it in my act and then I go he had all the tattoos and then everyone I thought you meant a tutu a tattoo a tattoo I was with you on tutu damn that was a hard one we just got girls we went there oh yeah a tutu a tattoo it's fun to mispronounce words and then watch people go I'm so sorry what did you say or not And then they're just, they're slightly confused. It started with nightmare because Tom called me on it and he goes, it's nightmare. And I went, no, it's nightmare. And I thought it was spelled M-E-R-E. Yeah. Nightmare on Elm Street. Right. But it's not. Yeah, no. It's not. And then we're of that generation. You're not my age, are you? I think so. No. I turned 50 in September. No, you look so good. Right? Bless you. I got makeup for this. I have makeup too. I got rosacea on my cheeks. I have rosacea. No, you don't. I do. What are you doing to get rid of it? I'm Irish. What are you doing? I didn't do the ivermectin cream. I meant to ask you about it. Everyone's doing ivermectin. Does it work? That's what everyone says. Everyone says ivermectin cream. But I heard you say that your doctor told you that. Everyone's like, get on ivermectin. Yeah, but I haven't tried it yet. I do it. It sucks because the one thing, you start noticing what great skin everyone has. Right. When you have bad skin and I get these bumps and then they dry up and they turn into like welts. And then, and I'm not doing anything. Right now I'm not doing anything, but it just happens. Right. Have you tried the ivermectin? I haven't tried anything. I haven't gone to a dermatologist. I'm supposed to go to a dermatologist, but I haven't been home in a while. Why haven't you tried it? No, because I haven't been home. I'll go to a dermatologist when I get home. I don't think the dermatologist will prescribe ivermectin. I don't know, maybe. For real? Where do you get it? So there's all the theories, right? You've got to get it through Rogan. Yeah, I'm not sure, but they can't. I don't know if it's true or not. I rub it on my face. Yeah. If it works. It's very cheap. I got the red light therapy mask. Oh, does it work? Well, I don't know. They got the red light therapy beds that really work. But I'm told the red light therapy masks actually are not good for rosacea in particular. But the bed might be great. It makes it worse. I've been noticing somewhat of an outbreak after. Yeah, the masks are not so good. I got red light therapy for my hair. I got red light therapy for everything. They said it makes your vision go back. But I thought your eyes were out. No, no, no. You do a panel, and then you sit in front of it like this, and it goes through your eyes. Listen, I got a longevity doctor. I'm on testosterone. I'm on Manjaro. I had to ask you real quick. So, Manjaro, you said quickly you had a reaction. Oh, yeah. I did, too. I tried it, and for three days, it was both ends. It was horrifying. Oh, I was throwing up. I was throwing up aggressively. Yeah. You can't stop it. I threw up the other night. I threw up the other night. But so are you doing, what dosage are you doing? I'm micro dosing right now. But what does that mean? So I take in between 20 and 25 mLs in a syringe. Okay. I take it out of a thing and I inject it. So I think the normal is 2.5. 2.5 is the lowest dose. That's what I did the first time. That is so much more than I do. Yeah. And by the way, 0.2 was making me throw up. Really? By the way, when I drank on it, I'd throw up. If I ate anything rich, if I tried to lay down, I'd throw up. I threw up the other night. I woke up and I was like, I think I had a fart. And I was like, oh, we're doing way more than that. The fart made me throw up. That's a horrible fart. I broke open hand sanitizers just to smell them. And was like, and then I threw up all night in bed. Oh, no. So then why are you still doing it? Because I lost like 40 pounds. And my doctor's like, listen. he's like I can tell you not to do it but you're going to come back in January and be 300 pounds and he was like you're not I've been fatter he goes by one pound you were 246 last or 276 you're 275 he goes you're gaining weight back he goes I was carrying 90 pounds of fat in my visceral fat he's like you have a Romanian gymnast you're pregnant with a person that's a 90 pound you know what I'm talking about we're both pregnant with people and so he's and he's like you got to get rid of it and i started it and i just i noticed that on a microdose at first i was barely eating and drinking right and then i started noticing that i and then i got sick and then when i got sick i lost like 10 pounds and i was like oh i can get the flu for two weeks and then and then i just kind of i've now i've measured my my dosage in. I've dialed it in. So I can eat and I'll eat, but I don't overeat or I'm cognizant not to overeat. And I have to say, especially with the not drinking, you don't have an impulse to drink when you're on it. So I don't really think about drinking. I definitely think about tapping out from reality, but not drinking per se. I'm like, I'm good. So you're having some gummies. I brought gummies tonight. I'm curious. I'll take one. I may take one. Don't fall. Just sit down. I may take one just to tap out because the dog passed away. And I go, you know what? Let's just lighten up a little bit. And enjoy the show. Smile ear to ear. Yeah. This is, I have to say this. So like I do, I've done a lot of podcasts and I do a lot of podcasts. This is one of the most enjoyable podcasts I've ever done. And I, and I, it's, and I, just to give it flowers, you're, you are very well researched, but you're very engaged in that it is your podcast. And I never at any point did I start trying to mow over people. I got to tell stories and it was I felt like I got to know you guys as much as you met me which is does not happen in my podcast just fair warning if we get to know you in my podcast that's a bonus if you hear stories about me in my podcast that's what you get but I feel like I'm really gonna text Leanne and go we're getting a Mastiff next yeah Beowulf Mastiff I've already I'm literally I'm so excited to go sit wait for the show to start and google Beowulf Masters and just look at any litters they have. I can connect you with the please. Yes absolutely I will and by the way this is exactly what I needed after last night so thank you. It's like therapy I wasn't sure if you were going to even want to do it today so thank you for doing this but sending you all the love thank you. Yeah. Thank you very much totally this is a dream come true thank you thank you so much