#176 - Zach Cherry

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He might have been in a grouping of files. We don't know. We can't really say was he in a dossier, was he in a high profile file... Of certain very specific search engines. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. There's some interesting stuff going on. Yes, I did live in a cursed place for six months. It was nice. It was nice, but there was something kind of sinister about it. This is real. This is more appropriate. To give everyone... And the people at home don't even know this, but since we moved... Since I moved, friend of the show, Straight George, is now living in this apartment. But basically, I still kept the two back bedrooms as a backup studio. So for six months, he got a great deal. We rent half the apartment, but for one week, we are here like seven hours a day. And yeah, you got... There's no more accurate version of a Greek podcast than one that happens in your friend's house. I didn't walk through their living room. Yes, yes, yes. Just having a Sunday. Of course, we're in Queens. We're in Queens. You have eight ethnicities arguing on the sidewalk as you walk in. I did have a beautiful journey in. Yeah, yeah. I saw a child sort of playing inside of an old fax machine. I know, dude. Beautiful stuff. That's what I love about Queens, dude. You still have... There's still shops here. If you go on Steinway or whatever, there's shops that sell fax machines, copiers. There's an electronic store that's in every other part of the world, Best Buy. Not just Amazon. Best Buy put them out of business. That can't encroach here, dude. We have ethnicities that don't understand computers in this neighborhood. Best Buy is still 15 years away. Dude, it's fancy. It's like if you show to fucking, you know, Balkan immigrants. We have restaurants here that's like a part of the Serbian civil war that we don't even know about. You know what I mean? There's secret countries here. And those people... If you took my dad... If you showed my dad... I would actually love to see my dad try and order something from Amazon and see if he could figure it out. I don't know that he would know how to put his address in. He's not even that online? Dude, he does... I don't think he's ever... Honestly, I don't think my father's ever used a computer. That's what... My dad is now every day tells me about AI. Really? My dad's become one of those guys. He goes, you know, they're starting to get revenge on people. I swear to God. Every time I see your presence. He's tracking AI. He's like, yeah, this one guy really mad at the guy who created him. He's trying to get revenge. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't follow it as much as you. So you may know. I love that it's the idea like it's in the process of revenge. Which is like, if he knows that, why doesn't he just unplug the robot? Because it's doing surreptitious things. Of course, of course. And he only knows to know, but somehow your father found out. It reached out to my dad and said, sir, you're going to want to stay on top of this. Let your son know. Let your son know. Let him let him spread it out indirectly through podcast. And I am. And you are, dude. AI is starting to get revenge. Was your dad ever like a how how tech and a lot how what kind of a technological home did you come from? You guys early adopters. He's a Nintendo. OK, like he would play Mario when I was like super young. Oh, respect. Then he didn't touch technology for 50 years. OK, OK. Now he's all about researching it. Yeah, he doesn't use it. He does it like curious. Oh, he's just keeping tabs. Yeah. So does he have like a whole setup? Dude, does he have like six monitors? And he's like, he's in the tech room. No, he has. He has. He's even a new, fairly new iPhone. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, my dad, you know, my dad's Android. Yes. They don't let fuck again. Immigrants have to have half that. I've heard. I've heard. Yeah. My dad, my dad tries to talk to me on like, I mean, dude, the way he text, he texts me is so funny. Like my hat, the hat, like he does not text are very interesting because my dad, again, the way he's never used the computer. I don't, it's him texting might be the only time he's ever written English in his life. Let me see if I can find his typing style. Have you ever seen him? OK, so, oh yeah. Here's the happy birthday message, which was really cute. Mr. Stavo. Is that the first time he says that? Mrs. R completely. Mrs. R completely. Mr. Stavo, happy birthday. It's your birthday today. I hope all your wishes slash N comes through your daddy. That's a beautiful message. It's actually really cute. And it's the first time my dad, and also the first, also look at this. I sent him, I sent him a fucking, I sent him a picture and him trying to like you. Look at it. There are about seven thumbs up, removed thumbs up. I sent my dad a picture and I got thumbs up to a photo, removed thumbs up from a photo, then thumbs up to a photo, then removed thumbs up from a photo again, and then the thumbs up emoji. Which is what he was originally seeking, clearly. It just took a few iterations to get there. Mr. Stavo, happy birthday. It is your birthday today. That's beautiful. It is really nice. It is fucking cute. What, yeah, so you're, do you got any, we got any immigrants going in your family? What's your, you're a Jersey guy. I'm a Jersey guy. Nice. Been, my parents are still there. They've been there since, I don't know, before I was born. So probably 50 years. Oh wow. They both are from Jersey? Of course, just turned 55. Yeah. I'm trying to message that I'm older than I am. Oh smart. So that I can kind of like get to Paul Rudd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks pretty good. Yeah. It's good for him. Well, not that good, but not good, but for a fat 55. He's 55 year old. Yeah. He's fucking doing great. I know we need to figure out the exact, cause dog years is seven years. What is fat years? Is it 1.1 and a half? Yeah, 1.6. It's about 1.8. It's not 1.5. It's got to be somewhere between 0.6 and 0.8. We got a little more breathing. Let's do 1.7. Or a little less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. I think it is 1.7. Okay, Eldis, let's multiply our ages please. Yeah, throw that in there. Can you do that? Can you get the calculator going? Can you develop a website for the fat years calculator that we can launch? Also, you know what it is? Fat years actually, here's what it is. It's on some kind of equation where when you start, it's actually one, it's the same. Yes. Like ages four to 11, it's one. Then at 11, it kicks into 1.05. Yes. So right at 12, you start aging a little worse. But then honestly, at 40, it kind of kicks into 0.8. Point exactly because you're a curve on all your friends who are just now getting fat. Exactly. You've already settled in. Exactly. At 40, you actually age backwards as a fat person. You're at 40. Your 40s last 13 years as a fat person. But then at 60, 2.5. Right. And then if you get to 80, it starts going like, it's like if you're hitting a multiplier, it's like 10x, 20x. When you get to 80 as a fat person, the pinball machine starts lighting up. Dude, it's like, it's vibrating dude. But if I make it to 80, that's a big W. Whatever happens at 80 is, are you kidding me? Is 80? I guess, yeah, I'm trying to think who's the fattest 80 year old I've ever seen. It would have to be a rich person. But like in terms of like, oldest fat person, oldest is Googling. You really think that's going to come up with anything usable? I mean really, start thinking before you Google stuff. I don't know. I think, you know. Nice man. We have, go to the, yeah, oldest fat person. 36 year old. I know for real. Old fat people. Now he just switched to even a more general thing. Anyone just images. There's just some fetish bullshit. Old fat people, celebrities, what are you doing? That's pretty good. Okay. Goodman, that's goodman is actually a great answer. But he has, the neck pussy is really singing right now. That is my greatest fear. I would rather stay fat than get the neck pussy. Like, Penn Gillette had one. Early he had the neck. He's looking better now. I don't know if you tighten that up. I think you can kind of figure it out. And I think there's probably ways to kind of stay fat up here. Sure. And kind of get rid of it. Which is a nice moot look. Yeah, that's what I would prefer. I'd love to stay as fat as I ever was up here. Straight lollipop head. Just full on. Just kind of shrink down below. John Goodman, Kathy Bates and Gandalfini. See Gandalfini right there, that's a tough one. Bad example. Orson Welles lasted pretty long, right? Yeah, and that motherfucker, it was like they didn't even have medicine when he was alive really. Like now fat people can do a bunch of shit. Like, yeah, you know, I can't wait to get to the like, this is a nice thing. And I'm sure, you know, we're both, we're both, we've both cracked into like, we're in rooms that the Illuminati spend like a few minutes in. Like we're not in the main rooms, right? But like, we're like, they passed through the rooms we're in to get to the actual secret back. Or it's like, it's like after they've left, then we're allowing for the next event. We almost get the leftovers. Yeah. Like they get their pickings and then they're like. They leave the stadiums up for the Paralympics. Yeah, exactly. And they sort of bring us in. Yeah, we do a little foot race. Right after, wherever Alyssa Lu was fucking ice skating, we then are missing a couple limbs. We go in there. And we get the fucking, with our hands skates or whatever the fuck. Like they actually, that's if you don't have feet, how do you ice skate? Do they give you like a fucking cool snowboard that you could attach? Can you attach one big ice skate to your body? I didn't watch any of any of the Olympics this year. Ice skating Paralympics. Oh yeah, we got it. Okay. Prosthetics. Anyway, we're so my point, the reason I was even saying, you know, wait, why was I talking about the Illuminati? What are we just, what were we just talking about? How powerful we could become. Mm-hmm. I forgot. I totally forgot. We could survive. The point I was trying to make. No. They'll, they'll, they'll break us off a little bit of that baby juice. Maybe, maybe. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We are now starting to be sort of, you know, we are in the rooms of the Illuminati leave. And so I can't wait to get close enough to ask about, because I haven't met any fat famous people yet. Sure. You know, like everyone that I've been in the, like they, in fact, unless I'm in a movie where I play like a fat guy's son. You're the fattest and the fat guy. I have to be the fat guy. And the most famous. Right. That's actually a good point. Famous fat people are sort of the lowest class of fat, a famous person. We are sort of in the caste system of fame. And much like other marginalized groups, they don't let us be in the same. No, never two of us. Yes, dude, never. Although actually there was one, we were almost in the same movie, but would have never been in the same scenes. That's so even if we're casting the same movie, it's really just to play the role of fat. Yeah, it is true. We are marginalized in that way. So anyway, the first time I meet, if I ever met a fat old guy, I need to know the, I need to know what kind of juice they got in their veins. But they might not, we're, I think we're kind of the first generation that is claiming it proudly. That's a good point. Of famous people. That is actually really good point. They don't want to talk about it. That is true because I think most famous fat people are, or actually, like Jack Black is a great example. He's actually a hot guy. Like if you look at Jack Black in his youth, like famous fat people are just guys that were hot and just like weren't 110 pounds. Like the fat guy, like, I mean, look at, you know, Jack Black, even for School of Rock, Jack Black is not fat at all actually. I mean, I've been watching this. Oh my God, he's actually, this actually is fucking my whole life up. He's not even sort of fat in this, dude. But he ran as fat. In my memories, he was fat as shit. Yes. Oh my God. I've been watching Sopranos and the same thing. Gandolfini is not fat. Well, season six. He picks it up a little bit in the face. Come on, dude. I haven't made it to season six. Season six is like, I mean, I haven't made it to season six. The nose whistle breathing gets out of, when the nose breathing gets out of, it's like season four. I haven't made it. Yeah, that's where I'm at. I mean, he's getting there at four. He is. He's picking up steam, but he's not saying. But I'm with him season one, he's just sexy. Yeah, he's not fat at all. He's ripped kind of. Like that is my absolute dream physique is season one, Gandolfini. That is. Which, how old was he? Can you look that up? Probably, you probably right around. Yeah, right here. 36. Yeah. How old is going to, he's exactly my age. Oh no, no, no. He was 35 for the pilot and turned 38 when the first season aired. Okay. So you still have time to make it. So I could get, if in a couple of years, okay, that's actually not unrealistic. That's good to know. Cause I thought it was probably 33 or something. All right. Okay. I could get there, man. After this, I'm going to ask the famous people. I do know regular Illuminati secrets. Yeah. I need, I need whatever they give Biden, dude. Whatever they were giving Biden to keep him alive. I don't know if it was working that awesome. But dude, but no, no, that's the thing. It was like he, that, that was getting him going even to speak on camera. Yeah, I guess. If that's, if that's your dream, your goal is to reach Biden. I don't want to get this. Oh baby, I got to get this stuff. I got to get to buy, to recent Biden level. See, I know. I'm saying they basically have stuff that can reanimate a course. Okay. So what could it do to just a fat 38 year old? You know what I mean? Probably I could feel awesome. You might. Yeah. You might, or you might just go full Biden mother. That's true. That would be, that would be too, if it just, that is that's my full cut. What if the, the drugs they were giving Saptam, what if they knew he was too strong? He was actually so strong. He was so strong. They had the drug, but for that drug, Biden, because he's the dated. They knew he was going to start a new communist revolution. That's exactly right. I love how they call him a fucking communist. It's like, honestly, they should, every Democrat should just be like, you know what? We're going to kill landlords. You know what I mean? They just be Mao because they will call you a communist either way. Brad, they already are saying. Go crazy. Just be like, yeah, we're going to actually execute the, everyone in Beverly who owns the, every property owner, we're going to fuck. We have a firing squad for you. I don't know if we're there yet for that to be politically viable. We're giving a shot. We're getting close. Okay. Why do Republicans get to be Nazis? Why can't we, why don't we get to be straight up communists? You know, they're literally holding up. They just reluctant a guy who literally like has mine comp. That's true. They go full on. So why can't, I can be like, fuck it. And by the way, we're carving out an exception for single digit show business millionaires. Kill all millionaires except for single digit show business millionaires. He earned it the honest way by providing entertainment for others. For the masses. For the masses. Dude. It's populism. Come on. It is funny that I, I literally was thinking, and I don't, I actually don't even know what the actual like plan is, but the timing of, of New York City taxing rich people and me having money getting rich. Yeah, that's tough. It really has. It's really tough. Yeah. And I mean, I love it. I'm happy for it. But I know. Well, the nice thing about living in New York is like the taxes might help people. It might not immediately buy the IDF a jet pack. You know what I mean? I mean, maybe not. I mean, it's like, it's at least in New York, it's a coin flip. Yeah. Whether it's a public library. Or a lot of the NYPD stuff trickles that way. That is true. But you know, we could keep the libraries open for a couple hours longer. Exactly. And send the jet packs. And yes, and the cops get to just get over time for standing around on a sidewalk and not doing anything. But at least sort of you could get a little, but yeah, I know dude, the property taxes, I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'm putting my money where my mouth is. That's not an issue for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I haven't bought in a place. Property hasn't become one of my concerns. I know it is funny we were talking because we also, we just had a beautiful pizza dinner a couple of days ago and your oven straight up doesn't work. Yeah. Which I think people would be shocked to find out about Severance's Zach Cherry. Well, an Emmy nominated actor does not have a working oven for pizza. Well, no, it works. It works, but it does, it's kind of temperamental where some months it needs to preheat for four or five hours. Okay, okay, okay. You got to just slow roast the oven. You got to know in the morning that you're going to want to heat up a slice of pizza that night and then you're fine. Yeah. And then you, in the morning you're like, I think I'll be, I'll be in the mood for pizza around 8 p.m. So I'll send an alarm for 4 p.m. But it works. It works-ish. And this has happened before. Okay. And like I always do, I didn't do anything about it. Yeah. I complained to my friends and then it started working. There you go. Okay. It's a very easy system. What about your landlord? Have you ever considered? Yeah, we have a good relationship. Okay. Yeah. Because you allow your oven to be broken forever? Sure, maybe. Maybe. I do, I've lived in the same place for like 12 years. Oh, hell yeah. So, you know, we have- I love that. We've developed a dynamic that works for both of us. Okay, that's good. Does it include me not complaining about the oven? Yeah, for now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But any day, I could. Any day you're going to bring it up. Yeah, we'll see. Do you store stuff in there? Like you see New Yorkers put like- No, because I try to use it all the time. Because every once in a while, okay, I love that. And I suggested an air fryer and you said you're already maxed out counter space. Yeah, I am. We had to bring in additional counter space and then that is also maxed out. And that's maxed out. Okay, can we run through? Because to me, air fryer might be my number one thing I need on there. I've never had one, so I don't know what I'm missing. I see, I see. Okay, so then what- Okay, for me, I would go air fryer. Rice cooker. Rice cooker. We have the rice cooker. Okay, we got the Zodjirusi. Zodjirusi, I've been- Yes, the big one. The big one. Okay, respect. Yes, the one that plays a little song for you when you're- It plays Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. And when I hear that, dude, my dick gets hard for fresh rice, dude. I'm Pavlov's dog with that shit, dude. This shit's awesome. All right, so rice cooker, I respect. We got rice cooker. What do we have? A coffee situation? Yeah, let me work from rent to life. Give us a fucking minority report. Okay, so we got the Zodjirusi here. Okay, okay. And it was a full break though. In front of the Zodjirusi, we've got my dog's rawhide- they're not rawhide, but like bully sticks that I keep. Wow. They just sit there. Can I be honest, that's a crazy prime spot for the dog's bully sticks, dude? Because I need access to those every day. They really live up here on the shelf above my head. Okay, okay. But that's kind of where they are right now. So there's an on-deck circle in the batter's box. And that's where the can of beans I don't use always goes, too. I just sort of rest the can of beans there. The can of beans on the rawhide. I buy the tortillas and I'm planning on making burritos. Sure, sure, sure. Can of beans got to stay there, and then I kind of don't get to it. Of course. So it just sits there. I get that. Then we got a full toaster. Oh, dude. Not toaster oven. Toaster. Wow. Four slices. Four slices? We got this. This is crazy. You got a four slice toaster. We got a four slice toaster. And you got a dog treat. And you can't get a fucking air fryer. All right, I'm stopping erupting. I'm stopping erupting. Then we move over here. We have, and I generally don't notice, some type of coffee contraption. Okay. I'm not a coffee guy. My wife is a coffee person. That's fine. Seed the coffee to the wife. She has some sort of titration going on. Love that. Whatever thing. Then we have the blender. The whatever the nice mix. Yeah. The big Vitamix. Vitamix and Cherushi. The Vitamix I use a lot. And I do use the toaster. We love a piece of toast. I do respect that. But it's like, you could have a toast function. You could just toast it in the oven. But as we just got. Right. No oven. That's going to be. Well, that's what I'm saying. You can't do that for breakfast. Unless you start the oven the night before. Yeah. Which actually feels like the best way to do it. You could do it. But you know you want toast when you go to bed. Yeah. Although I'm actually not really a morning toast guy. Oh, interesting. I make toast as a like. I am hungry, but I shouldn't order pizza. Of course. Little pick me up snack. I got you. So I will have a piece of toast. Dude. With, you know, a variety of, you know, depending on what I'm in the mood for. I see that. Dude, if I need a sweet treat, I'll go jam. If I need something else, I'll go garlic and butter. I love that. Toast and butter. Is it, is it the best single bite? Like it's up there in the single bite, best single bite tournament. Fresh. Damn, dude. We got it. Just melted. We should honestly, we steal dough boys. Dude, we can crush that dude. If me and you started a food podcast, Mitch would kill himself. We would. He was absolutely steamroll those pussies. Dude. Extremely upset. Negatively affect his life big time. We just completely ruin the life of our friend for fun. We don't stick with it. And we just cover the restaurants in the exact order. Dude, you completely steal everything they do, but just with us. Yeah. That would be an old fashioned like Hollywood trick. I think we should. We should do that. Yeah. Yeah. To wild west the podcast space a little bit. Yeah. It's like old vaudeville. There were no rules. You can't copyright. You can't copy. Eating at the restaurant. We're, weigth is not even fat. That fat. He used to be fat. He claimed to be fat. He claimed to be fat. I'm skeptical. Yeah. We would destroy the stolen values. And they're kind of tall. I mean, that is. How dare they both be tall and talk about food. That is a major issue guys. We're too little fat with you. And we deserve to be the food. That's right. That's our food podcast. Mitch is fat. Sure. But big. If we're talking, you know, societal value. If we're talking ratios. Of course. If we're plugging into the BMI. He's like. He was like. He was like. Compete. I know. He said he was 350. And I was like. I was 350. But he's 62. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. This. We're going to do. We're going to start with the. First. Bite. First bite. Tournament. Best bite. Humanity has to offer. Tournament. Yeah. Okay. They're doing much. Badness. I guess it already happened. Since it's. I'm assuming you're very religious. I have my suit. All. Oh, you. I got my pastels. Pastels. You look awesome in one of those. Were any religious stuff growing up? What's the fam do? Yes. Okay. Just sort of generically Christian. Generically Christian. You know. Protestant. No. No specifics. Interesting. Just sort of as vague as possible. Yeah. Like, yeah, we're Christian, I guess. Yeah. So your parents are both Jersey. Are you a, are you, do you go back? Can you trace your lineage generations back into Jersey? No, no, no, no. My parents moved to Jersey kind of just before my older brother was born, I think. Okay. My dad is from Alabama. My mom is from Illinois. Oh. So we're Central American. Central America. Calling that Central America. I'm Central American. Honestly, if you said you were fucking billion, no one is saying, no one is stopping you, I can sort of slide into any. You can slide. You have a nice, yeah. Every single ethnicity has approached me and said, I think you are my cousin. You honestly look a lot like my uncle. I'm like, if you, if you kept, if you like shit, like, yeah, my uncle doesn't have a big ass beard. Yeah. But I think if he went, if he grew his beard out, you kind of look, he's a piece of shit, no disrespect, but. I'll take it. Fun, actually not a, you know what? He's not a piece of shit. He's just kind of a dork. You know what? That's fine to me. That's cool. Yeah. I think he's kind of like that. He would be very vulgar. He's like I like him. You, my fat uncle, Dmitri, who has diabetes, is so out of control and he has not stopped eating for, like dude. So he's awesome. He actually is the man and he knows the best restaurants that I literally have to get. Does he live in New York? No, he's in Athens. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not making it over. Dude, if you come, I would love to get my uncle. Truly my uncle is like my aunt and uncle, they are true. We are so related because all they care about is restaurants. Like they know every fucking great, like I need to get a full list. But you know, I need to go to Greece and be like spend the summer eating around Greece with them and come up with the greatest guidebook, like two, like a fat Greek guys, a fat 60 year old Greek guy, actually my uncle. And you know what? We got to hurry because he let's just say the fat year's calculator. He's really, he's really, he's sitting in the multiplier. He's been flawless for 20 minutes, basically on a DDR machine. He's standing in the street. Let me just say he's got a flawless fat streak at least since the late 70s. Let's make this happen. We need to make this happen quick, dude. Because I do want to have acts. I want this list to exist. We need the list to exist for posterity. And I think they would get a kick out of taking me and my fat friends around. Honestly, that's maybe the dream fat house. We, as I don't know if we ever said it on the podcast, but we are in a group, a fat group chat with me, me, Zach, Gamer, and Mitch. We're slowly building out our fat Illuminati. Absolutely. We're making the people we didn't see in our youth. Exactly. Exactly. We are, we are, we are creating the fat Illuminati. Yeah. We're getting auxiliary members in. We talked about Carl, Carl Tartt. He's just not fat enough. Otherwise Carl would be a prime member. He just tooeth could dunk in his youth. Yeah. He's just inexperienced. Even Mitch is big. But he was, he never got pussy. Right. So he kind of spiritually is five five. You know. He's basically a. He's so pathetic that he turned being six to five five somehow. You and him sort of swapped essences. We really did. We lightly. I know. That is true. He. He's. Puberty. You guys kind of got your wires crossed. But yeah. This is good. We're going to. We're going to make this fucking happen. So just. Vague generic. Vague generic Christianity. Yes. Although we did. We did. We did one time. I was like an active member of this community. I was in the youth group. I was doing this. I went to the Greek Orthodox Youth of America. I was in that group. What is that? Just kind of a youth group. Like, you know, but you like hang out. Yeah. We would do like paintball shit. Yeah. And we did go on a trip together one time and one of the youth pastors. I was asleep for this. Supposedly started speaking tongues in the middle of the night and freaked out all the other groups and they left in the middle of the night. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. So I was like. Speaking in tongues. I was like, so maybe, maybe our church was weirder than I remember. But I. Yeah. That's the only. That's the only one. Yeah. Because speaking in tongues is not what you're describing. No. That is not generic. No. And that wasn't my experience. I guess they waited till I went to sleep. Right. And then they would all kind of get together. And I love that shit. But I mean, every one of those people is clearly faking it. Yeah. But some of them don't think they are. Yeah. They truly believe. That's nice to have so little control of your own brain that you do something and pretend. And you like you in the moment you you pretend. You can just scare yourself. You can make yourself laugh. I know. It's true. It's probably a beautiful existence. I mean, it takes me like to be fair, though. It takes me like six hours of having a bad day to be on the brink of being like of being like. You could probably like sex traffic me like in my brain. Like if I if I'm bummed out for eight straight hours, I'm like so susceptible. I legit. I start talking to God. I like all types of God. I've been I've been made bulletproof through through honestly, basically that one. One experience where I had already kind of not liked that guy. Yeah. My parents were like, he's fine. And I was like, seems like a piece of shit. So I I'm cult stuff. Yeah, I'm allergic to it. I think, of course, now someone will get me. Yeah. I mean, I would love to have my own cult. I think I'd be great at that. I wouldn't even want that. Yeah. I don't want to be around people. Yeah. That much. You're more of a homebody. I was apologizing. It's a beautiful day. And I'm actually pissed that I have to podcast. This is what I do for you fucking assholes. Do you understand that? It's like the first day in a while. It's so nice. I haven't been in New York for three consecutive days for months. And it's the first time I get to enjoy it. It's like, but what am I doing? I'm fucking pot. So just know we I care about you. OK. I make sacrifices. But you were like, oh, I don't care. I wasn't going to be outside. No, I probably would have. I might have seen Crime 101 again. Oh, fuck. It looks always a good. Yeah. I liked it a lot. Yeah. But not necessarily enough to see it again. But Sundays are my movie day. I like that. I like that. Get out of the house. Go see a movie. And we're kind of in a period where I've seen most of. Yeah. What's out there? But interesting. Dude, that's a nice. That's your little ritual. You fucking do. Yeah. Do you pair it with like, do you wake up? Because I did. I at least got a nice morning today. I woke up, got a coffee, walked around, had a bagel, although heart breaking. There's a woman doing new neighborhood in the bagel place around the corner. Socks. Yeah. That's real. Because it's right around the corner. So you're like, if this place is good, right, my life is set. I lucked into legit one of the best bagel places in New York is in my neighbor. This place, Nickerbocker bagel. Awesome. In Bushwick. Someone recently did a list of like best bagels in New York. I think it was number two. Wow. I believe they have locations in, I might need some help with this. Eldis. Eldis. I believe they have a location in Bushwick and one in like Seoul. Seoul, Korea. That's awesome. The guy like. Well, there is actually a great, in a story at where we are, there is a great bagel place is Korean run and they have a bulgogi bagel. So, you know. This is just classic bagels, but I think, I swear on their website, it'll say they have two locations. Anyway, I lucked into this bagel shop and it's incredible. Hell yeah, dude. Good for you. Why don't you fucking keep scrolling down, dumbass? Figure. Best bagels in New York. All right, whatever. They didn't immediately tell us our locations. So far, just New York. They must have closed. They closed. The Seoul one closed down. Maybe they were like supporting the fascist president that they. And now that they're out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Packed up. Maybe the fascist president that they put in jail loved Nicarbaca bagels. So, I don't want to, actually I don't know that. I'm not slandering you, Nicarbaca bagels. And I will. I may have fully made that up. I swear to God, when I first looked up their website, they had a location in some insane area. Well, a lot of places will have a location like fucking Dubai or some shit. Yeah. Which that's kind of a red flag to me. Sure. But that doesn't usually happen at the local bagel shop. Of course. Of course. That's what's worth. Some about bagels. Dubai doesn't really want over there. Something about maybe who would make the best bagels. They're not interested in importing them to Dubai. I don't know what that's about. But hey, is Dubai even still exist right now? Who fucking knows? In mid-April, of course. In mid-April, yeah, as we know, it is mid-April and Dubai has had consistent shelling. At Tuoy, we give you more. More outfit choices with 20 kilograms of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels built around what you love, like that swim-up suite. More, race you to the bottom, water parks on site. More, ooh, that looks good. Food options from poolside snacks to ala cart dining. Book on app, in-store or online. You book it, Tuoy sort it. At all and after protected, keys and C's apply selected hotels only. See website for details. It is really funny to think about like British people, like British fucking rich, like ladies with like crazy filler and they're like, dumb, like weird husbands being in Dubai for on holiday and just getting ship exploded around them is pretty funny. But you know, we hope nobody dies, doesn't have to, I guess, or whatever the fuck. We can bleep that out. Let's bleep that out for Zach. He's got a career. He's got a career. Not so much lately. I've been basically just hanging out. That is nice because being an actor sucks, Dick. I've realized how little they pay actors and shit and how much like you have to go to bullshit. That's like, I respect you because you don't want to go to award shows. You don't want to go to anything. I barely want to leave the house. Like today, I had a semi-miserable morning because I'm trying to keep the fat multiplier. So I've started pelotonning a lot. I did a one hour peloton this morning. Holy shit, that's kind of... By the way, it's so nice out. That you were in your house. I hopped on the bike. Put on my little sweat band, opened up the shade so I could see the empty apartment across the street. And I just pedaled away. Damn. How's that? You like the peloton? I do. I like that it's inside my house. Were you always a homebody? Even as a kid, you were just hanging out? Yeah, for the most part. I largely am a homebody. I'm cruising towards full on hermit. And the second I have the funds to do it, I'm not coming out of the house. You're just going to get a fucking... There is something nice about... Because I like going outside, but I also love the idea that I could have. Maybe it's getting... Maybe everybody who lived through COVID now has this latent desire to have your home be tricked out. So if you were forced inside again... Because it doesn't feel like we're getting further away from global events that force us to live in our home for an unidentified period. It doesn't feel like another one could be on the way, some kind of nuclear fallout who fucking knows. Absolutely. And it would be a dream to be tricked out. I'd love to have a room that's like, I got a sauna in that bitch. That is the dream. New York City, not the place for it. Tough. Tough to do it. Yeah. You should do... Find one of your other friends' apartments. You should scatter your saunas throughout your friends' places. I have friends with an extra bedroom and I rent it out and have different activities I do. That's actually not a bad idea. Connect them with tunnels. Tunnel connection, we all hang out. That sounds fucking awesome. That's kind of the dream. Because I like my friends. I like being connected. In their spaces. But I kind of just want to... I get that. Any hobbies as a child? Did you do anything in your youth? I was a theater kid. I mean honestly, I was an improv child. Oh no. Honestly, you're not a fucking huge piece of shit. Since I was in fifth grade. Are you serious? You're a fucking improv messy dude. You were the youth academy? You know what's funny, I went to a summer camp, like a performing arts summer camp. They had improv and when they would do like counselor sets, I would participate. That's awesome. They bumped you up to varsity? You're the 13 year old that plays varsity? I was a little improv messy. I was running around. Just fucking dude. You should see this guy. You should see this guy fucking adapt to whatever you throw at him. This motherfucker, dude this is a nine year old yes ands at a 14 year old level. I was an advanced improviser. Although I think I was mostly just like repeating stuff I heard on the Simpsons. But like compared to everyone else. Of course. At the time it was like even being able to like mad lib other things was enough to kind of like, you know, kill you. That's crazy. But yeah, I was big time theater and improv kid early. And now how much were you bullied? Not that much. Because first of all, I didn't tell anyone about it. Of course, smart. You're probably mysterious. And still today. I'm shocked to find this out. Good for you. And I mean, I still, I have a show tonight. I will tell no, this doesn't come out for, so luckily this doesn't count. No one will know. I will tell no one about it. Constantly people are like, hey you ever perform and I'm like, I did five shows this week. I don't like to tell anyone about it. I just like to do it. You see improv as a disease that you have to like do it to get out of your system. It's like somebody who's like half vampire who like you're in the shadows like drinking dead raccoons and shit. You don't want to. Yeah, me doing improv is is the version of it's like Wesley Snipes developing a serum. To keep you from being a full blown, but not I don't advertise it so that I can keep it. I respect that. Yeah, but like I was yeah, I was theater. That was my thing. You got your, but yeah, being funny in the theater. Of course, I was the kid who the guy, our like theater guy who was great. He like, I wouldn't, you know, be doing it if it wasn't for him kind of guy. That's awesome. He would just give me, we would like do Shakespeare and he'd be like, you can play this little part and literally do whatever you want. So I would like walk on me like, hey. That's a big question though. I'm like, I'm Mercury Hue, baby. And he would just like, let me do it. You summon your fucking nose at me, brother. How dare you thumb your shit at me, motherfucker. I didn't even know enough of the lines to get there. That's the only one I remember. Yeah, you allowed me to look make it look like I knew Shakespeare. That's the only thing I remember. But yeah, so that was my, that was my come up. Okay, I get that. What's what about the rest? Like you said, you have an older brother with was older brother. Were they in the, do you have other siblings? Nope. One older brother. What was his vibe? The reason I wasn't bullied is I went to a very small school. And I started when I was in. It would be awesome if this is like a religious school. It's like you clearly were in a, everything you say. Only now really. You were in a cult, you're like really small. It was actually a home school. Everyone was a member of my family. Yeah. And we did, we had sucking sessions. Yeah. Everyone except the priest was my direct, in my family. And he came and he would do these like, these, he would lead us in a meditation where everybody closes their eyes and has their mouth open. Yeah. No, I just went to a small, I was, I was a, I grew up in Trenton. Yeah. I went to public. Trenton takes the world make or when Trenton makes the world take. Yes. I love the, those passive aggressive Trenton sign. I mean, it's, it's kind of, it's like, it is the thing that is, that's our big source of pride is that, that bridge and slogan. It is. Although it's a great slogan. I don't, I honestly don't really know what, what we made. Improv, Improv prodigy. That's right. They're talking about you dude. Trenton, you're their big export. I'm the modern export. That's tough. That's really tough. That is actually, I actually do feel bad. Trenton leads the world. Trenton leads the world in character actors. You put in a serious drama for a little relief, a little, a little change of pace. I mean, hey, if you're going to, if you're going to make it that list, I'm near the top. Are you near? You're the number one dude. But then I, in, in kindergarten, my teacher was like, we got to get this kid. We got to get this kid to the big league. I started at a very small private school in first grade. Wow. And went there through graduation. Gotcha. So I had known everyone. By the time I was eligible to be bullied, I'd already done the work. Uh-huh. I was doing the base layer of relationships. Of course. And inoculately myself. That's kind of beautiful. Yeah, it was great. So was your brother going to that school too? Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. And I, I'm, that's like, one of the reasons I don't go outside that much, that's all still my friends. It's like, the guys I've known since I was, you know, I'm, I have my eldest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't employ them or hang out with them as much, but I do like them. I really would not have suggested it. They're the worst decisions I've ever made in my life. And I don't think any Albanians in my, in my circle. None. I apologize. None Trenton. I apologize. What about Greeks? Uh, Greeks. Not that I know of. Not that I know of in the, in the crew. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck dude. So you and the boys, you, you and the boys from the small private school, uh, was it religious? No. No. Just a, just a day school. Like some Montessori type shit? No, it was just like a, it started as, it started like in the 30s as a, all boys school. But then it became more regular by the time I got there. The skull and bone stuff was gone. There was no jacking off. There was no secret societies. I think that was all gone by the time I got there. I could see when they started Trenton being like a power city. Well, this also, the school was not in Trenton. The school was in, in Princeton. And Princeton. Oh. Uh-oh. Yeah. So maybe there was some skull and bones type shit. Yeah. Again, not while I was, they waited till I went to sleep. Yeah. Jacking off, having gay sex while speaking Latin. That's some shit you got to do. If you go to private school, Princeton. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Is Princeton right by Trenton? It's like 20 minutes. Yeah. Close. Is it, is it like every Ivy League, it seems like around it is a bunch of dog shit. Was there like a bunch, was there shitty neighborhood? Like is Princeton shitty? No, Princeton's very nice. Princeton's nice. It's very rich, very like kind of all the surrounding suburbs. If you, when you were, when we were growing up, if you wanted to go like hang out, you'd go into Princeton because they had like restaurants. Right, right, right, right, right, right. No, it's very fancy. Did you go to college, did you go to like, did you go to like any, you go to fancy college? I went to Amherst College. So kind of. Okay, yeah. That's fancy. That's in fucking Boston or what? It's out, it's like two hours outside of Boston. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. That was actually genuinely a part of why I chose Amherst. They had, they had an improv team. You're looking at the improv teams, dude. You're fucking, I swear to God. They had, I mean, it was also at the time, the number one, like college. You're being scouted. It was number one, like college. You're being scouted by improv teams. But I did, they had an improv team that performed every week. Okay. And I liked that. You liked that. Get your reps in. Whatever, whatever. Keep this man off the stage. No, I was, uh, who's line bound. You were fucking hungry, dude. Yeah. You're watching, you're watching who's line. You're like, mockery, I'm coming for your ass. Wayne Brady, there's a new sheriff in town, motherfucker. And I, uh, didn't, it didn't last long enough for me to get there. Okay. Although they did bring it back for a while. Who's line? I wasn't invited for ass. Right, right, right. We should start, we should again do a different, we should steal who's line. You can't just hop on who's line. Yeah. Who's sandwich. Yeah. Great minds, dude. You know, it's like, it, there's like the UFC for riffing. It's like different, we came up, you're improv. Improv. You know what I mean? Different styles. Stand up slash not getting bullied in Baltimore city, public schools. That's right. But you, yeah, we, this, what is podcasting of not the UFC for riffing? You know what I mean? It's a beautiful way to think. It's so beautiful. Yeah. That's so fucking funny. All right. Nice. Then you get out of Amherst, come back, come back and then a UCB to do improv. Fuck yeah, dude. And it is awesome that there exists something where you probably, people were like scared when you were walking around and like treated you like with reverence. Not really. Come on. They did. I didn't, I also didn't really like hang out. Like, I was probably more powerful because when you were around, they're like, Oh fuck Zach, I just got to fucking blow me off the stage. Cause the thing is that is how those dorks think about shit like this. Improv people are hilariously competitive. Yes, there is a lot of stand up. You'd think standups are like, I mean, like I do feel like improv people pretend to be friends and would stab each other in the back. There's a lot of like petty high school type shit in that world, but I mostly was not, I wasn't around. You're floating, you're Dr. Manhattan, dude. They're all mortals. You're fucking floating around ready to riff. I also had like a full time job while I was like coming up doing improv. So I wasn't, I didn't want to like hang out. I wanted to clock in, put in, put in my time doing the most beautiful art form in the world. A lot of people say it's sort of the most free and representative of the human spirit. Of course. It's definitely not. Stand up is sort of, you kind of have to repeat yourself. It's not a warm up activity for real art. You have to pretend that you're just thinking of this stuff as you're saying it. Meanwhile, I get up there, signing your art form instead of just making up bullshit while I connect with the people there. And this show wouldn't have been without them, but stand up is fine. Stand up is good. But you know, a lot of people kind of think improv is improv is yeah, they definitely don't think it's an acting exercise that people have stretched out way too fucking thin. That's for sure. I mean, layup lines are an exercise for the NBA. Right. You know, it's like you got a project. Right, would you watch televised layup lines? That's a great, actually thank you, Jack. That's actually a perfect analogy. Hold on, wait, hold on. Would you pay to watch people do layup lines? Hold on, sorry. Let's put improv is. Sorry, hold on. What I meant to say, layup lines, stand up is layup. Okay. Yeah. Nice try, dude. And scene. Got your ass. I'm going to get destroyed in the, in the improv group chats. You're so fucked. They sent me here specifically to defend our art form. The Trojan horseman. The whole first 30 minutes I was sitting here waiting like, when are we going to defend improv? When am I going to throw the layup line analogy? You crafted that. See that? That's what happens when you plan. An improviser must be free. And I've taught you a lesson about your own art form. You did. I should have arrived here with quiet mind and, you know, I didn't let you zip zaps up. That's what's did it do. You didn't. I didn't let you kind of walk right in and got started. I was like, are we not going to, are we not going to feel our bodies in the space? No, no, obviously stand up is incredibly. We're both doing incredibly embarrassing things. What do you do before a show? What do you do to warm up? Oh, dude, I saw Mitch and fucking Zach and Zach, your Zach. I saw Mitch and Gabriel's Mitch, Gabriel's and Weigart. I went to the Doughboy show in DC and they went up to each other and we're like, whatever, whatever happens up there, I have your back. Got your back. That's an impressive. And I was like, you guys have to be fucking kidding. No, it's a beautiful. You guys. We're not going into war. You fucking pussies. We're not the fucking podcast on stage. Yeah, but we're going to change people's lives out there. And we take that responsibility seriously. That's the things like they were serious. It's a magic trick. What we do is a magic trick. People can't believe what they're seeing. That's true, man. You know what? You got me there. I respect improv. And have five of the last nine shows I've done been bad. Even though I've been doing it since fifth grade. Yes, but that's why it's fun. That's what's beautiful. It's like NASCAR. You're there for the car crashes. Yeah, of course. And I will give you one. I can't wait to get to the point. The beauty of stand-up is like that happens, but it's like then you convince yourself you're a genius. When you start bombing, you're like, they don't get it. Actually, I'm just too fucking ahead of the curve. I actually unfortunately kind of have reached that point where I when I bomb, I'm like, this is better than doing good. Yeah. Oh, no, dude. I'm like, you're telling us like it is. Doing good is kind of normal for me. Yeah, that's what I do bad. That kind of feels nice. That's artistically interesting. To me, killing is nothing. Killing is old hat. That is so funny. You were about to start postmodern improv, dude. You're about to do the next wave. I've been asking people the last few times I've been up there. I've been doing it. All right. Now you're actually, now I'm interested. Go check out Zach. You'll never know when he's performing. He's probably telling people to keep his name off the website, but yeah, I do that. I love that, dude. Just absolutely fighting, getting famous as much as you can. Well, good luck, pal. It's not going to work. We should fucking take some calls. What do you say? I'll just do it. Yeah, I'm glad. I can't wait for you to help the people. This is good. And I, this is the point where we plug things, but we were going to say is stop looking for Zach. We're doing a reverse plug. Yes. He does not want this to be seen. I don't. Stop. We'll try to find him. I guess see the stuff he's been in. And you know what? I would like to plug if you could put as much misinformation about me out there as possible, so people can't even find me. Oh, I like that. That would be appreciated. Yeah. Zach is from Trinidad and Tobago. I guarantee you there's a bunch of people there who think I'm their cousin. So it's, that's fine. It's fine. That's right. His, his father played Sega, not Nintendo. Yes. That's the kind of. Famously. Famously. His dad was a big Sonic guy. My dad does know how to use Google alerts, so he probably will see this and he will be mad about it. I take it back, Mr. Cherry. You love Nintendo. He's going to be like, I'm in place. What are you talking about? What was that guy talking about? Fuck that guy. I've become your father's sworn enemy now. No, he would like you more than me. Bring him around, dude. We'll do, we should do family, family pods. That would be awesome. I'm not joking. My dad would fucking love to come on this show. Dude, bring dad. He is very funny and he thinks he's funnier than he is. Awesome. That's actually so sick. I can't wait. Actually, this is a good thing. Imagine having, and then Mitch and his mom. I would, I would do. That would be awesome. And my dad would be, honestly, it would go to his head. It would, it would change our relationship forever. But I'd be, I'd be really. Your dad's going to come on this show more than you. He's going to come do like fucking Patreon episodes. He's going to do Cush Brothers. We're going to smoke weed and do the news with your dad. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colours of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavours in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy, they're colourful, they're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow, taste the rainbow. Alright, let's play some fucking calls. Elle Dunce. Hi, Stavie. Elle is a sustained guest. Love you guys. Listen every week. Stavie, your last fucking love it makes me so happy. Anyway, I need some advice or maybe more an opinion. I was reading my texts. When I met my boyfriend, he had a dog already. He just got his dog like nine months before he and I met. I love this dog. I fucking love this dog so much. I love him as if he's my own. And up until now we've been together for nine years. And I've never, he's never asked me to pay for or to help pay for his bed bills. Now I do a lot for this dog. Like I said, I just, I love him so much. It's so strange that the first time in nine years, or this is the first time he's asking me when I've just started grad school. So obviously like I'm not working that much. I'm not bringing in a lot of revenue. And oh, and also I have my own kid. Okay, that is relevant. I have to pay for whatever. Close school trips, whatever you need. Yeah, we know how. And I never have my partner to help me pay or to pay at all. So when he asked me to chip in, I said I can't really commit to that right now because I am in school and I've got my kids, like I've got it like I'm on this budget. And besides which he makes three times more than I do. Holy shit. What the fuck? Salary wise. I mean, that's all kind of all we need to know. Is there more eldest? He doesn't. I don't know if he really needs that help. He just kind of wants it. What do you think? I would. I could. I would contribute. But this is a hard time right now. We got it for me. Yeah, I'm really glad I'm here for this. Yeah, please act. Do you have something? No, I want to hear your I know, I know we've discussed our opinions on dogs. Yes, that's true. You have your immigrant sensibility regarding dogs. I really do not respect dog. So let's hear what you have to say about this. Okay, I'm going to take myself out of this, right? This is not about me. We're talking about our friend. If this was me, I would be like, I don't fuck. I mean, whatever. I'll take myself out of this, right? For this woman, a couple of things are interesting here. She's dating someone for, she said nine years. Nine years. Nine years is like, I guess my first question is what's going on here? She's got a kid. They've been together nine years. You're talking about this as if it's like, like, do you guys live together? What's the long-term plan? How serious is it? Because I would say before knowing about the payment disparities, I would say asking you to go half on a pet is in some ways signs that you're getting closer together, right? In some ways it's a sign that like, oh, this is serious. We're essentially a married couple or we're working our way towards like our lives have just been intertwined objectively. And hey, now that this is where we feel comfortable in this relationship, if we were two people making the same amount and we both love the dog, we both, this has kind of become a part of our lives, it's not crazy to ask a partner to chip in for a dog that you've been. It's your shared. Exactly. Yeah. At this point, when you met him, it was a puppy, but you've been with the dog for nine years. Right. I was going to say this dog. Yeah. The dog is kind of probably on its way to the multiplier. That is true. Yeah. We don't know how big the dog is. We don't know how big the dog is. It's a big dog. It's not lasting long. True. So I would say in a vacuum, if that's the problem, I would say this isn't a crazy ask. You guys have been together for a while. You're just kind of melding your life together. This might even be a sign that he wants to take things more seriously. But first of all, I'm curious on how serious this relationship is. Is it like a lover's thing where you're dating, but you're busy, you have a kid, he's got some high paying job. You don't see anybody else, but you guys keep it. You have a non-traditional relationship that works for you where you both kind of keep your life separate. That's one possibility. So I'm like, and even in that case, then I'm like, well, he should really then just take care of his dog. Yeah. That's the case. Right. Is the dog the only thing that you're now kind of sharing costs? Right. Do you live together? How much time do you spend together? Yeah. Is the dog your only shared thing? And if that's the case, that's kind of weird. But ultimately, I would say like, if you're still on the right and you shouldn't pay anything in that case, it's kind of strange for him to be the one who to introduce this because, hey, if now the floodgates are open for our shared stuff, it's like, is there other stuff he should be chipping in on whatever. And the instructive part for me that actually overrides all this is he makes three times what she fucking makes. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. And you said, and you said, and also, oh, right, I have the kid. That was sort of late in the call. Yeah, totally. And by the way, I guess that's another thing. He's been in this kid's life for nine years? Nine years. Presumably the kid, yeah. Predates the relationship. Right, right, right. That'd be awesome. That'd be awesome. And then she's got a four year old by somebody else. And it's like, maybe she just had a kid with somebody else. And he's like, and he's just the most passive aggressive guy. He's like, pay for half the dog food. He's mad. She cheated on him at a kid. But won't bring that up at all. I'm like, I need money from Kibble, bitch. That would be really funny. But presumably that's not the case. No, I doubt it. So I like that guy, though. That guy would be awesome. Buy fucking milk bones or put them on the counter. Okay, so I guess that's my question. It's like, this to me feels like a really good opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Because what you're describing makes no sense to me. It is confusing. I have no handle on what the fuck is going on. How committed is he to your fucking kid? Like we're talking about, yeah, you've been around his dog for nine years. He's been around your fucking kid for nine years. I mean, and it is crazy to say, like, I know you need to use this money for your kid's stuff. Of course. Yeah, Johnny needs braces. Can I have it for my dog? But my dog's coat is looking as lustrous as usual. Yeah. I'd love to get my dog red light therapy. Could your kid not get new glasses this fucking year? So anyway, that's my big, like, okay, if we're just going to do the facts of the case three times as much, it's crazy for him to ask you that. Then my Spidey sensors are like, why is he asking you that? Is it an honest, like, hey, I want us to meld our lives together, but I don't want to have the conversation. So I'm just kind of like, like, is that the case? In which case, let's talk about where our relationship is going. But to me, this is a really good moment for you to be like, hey, what is our fucking relationship? Yeah, that makes sense. What's going on here? You've come down a lot more reasonably than I anticipated. You thought I was going to say, chill the dog. I'm glad the dog's still at the home. Look, it ain't my fucking dog, all right? If I had a dog, I'd come in my fucking room. Like, I think it's fucking, people are going to be so mad at me. I just think dogs should be outside. They should be eating your leftovers. If a dog needs surgery, the dog is dead. You know what I mean? Like, if a dog needs surgery, feed it wag you until it dies, but I'm not spending too grand on a dog. That's my stance. Two grand. That's for me. We're racking that up pretty quick on my dog. Maybe I would now because I haven't enough money, but like, when I was fucking broke, I'm not spending money on a fucking dog. I didn't have a dog until I... Okay, that's fair. It's a luxury thing. Anyway, I do have an immigrant sensibility on dogs. People know this. If I were to speak, if I were to make my notes clear about the Michael Vick situation, people would be very upset at me if they knew how I really felt in my heart. And I'm not putting that out there. I'm not. I'm not on record about that. But in this case, I can put all that aside and be an objective. This is not about the dog. This could be anything that the guy is asking for. Yeah, it is weird that it's about the dog. Now my first instinct, of course, kid's nine years old, he could get a job and start to chip in for this dog. I assume the dog is friendly with the kid. It's probably more than nine. I'm sure he's... Right, it was probably 12 at least, something like that. You know, I think this is possibly a beautiful learning opportunity. Sure. Give the kids a responsibility. Put the kids to work. Get it out of school. Have it be a full-time dog tender. That's right. Sure, yeah. You know, honestly, skills-based jobs is really where we're heading. You get into a vet tech program now. Right, vet tech. You start at 12. You start a dog walking business at 12. You're good. Scale up. 10x that business. That actually is something AI probably won't touch. It's dog care. They can't dog walk. Dog care. That's true. Yeah, have your kid look after your boyfriend's dog for a living. That's our advice. But yeah, look, make a fucking figure out what's going on here. I'd actually love to talk to this person on a live call. See if you can, you know, see if we can get them for something. And let's get more details about the dog, some pictures maybe. Right. There's any videos of the dog running around having fun. Yes. I'd like to see those. I don't listen. I'd like to see those too. It's just, I don't want... Anyway, it doesn't matter. I think dogs are... I'm not anti-dog. I just think we pamper them too much in America, that's all. But you know, you have a cute dog named Shrek. I do. I almost wore... My mother-in-law got me a shirt that has my dog on it and a little heartbeat thing. And I almost wore today just to piss you off. Just to piss me off about how much, yeah, people fucking love their dogs too much. But anyway, whatever, it's fine. It's fine. There's nothing to interrogate. The people spend thousands of dollars on their dogs, but there's homeless people everywhere in America. That's not weird. I didn't know about that. I don't find that strange. I'm just hearing about that. And I'm going to adjust my spending. You're seeing all over America. All I'm saying is I have the moral high ground when I ignore a homeless person. Maybe we have a housing supply issue because the podcasting studios are filling up spare bedrooms across Queens. All across the story. They're filled with podcasting equipment. We have fucking four of these peppered in each burrow just in case you need to... I do right now have three spaces that are technically a podcast studio. We're going to get that down to one, folks. Anyway, good luck. Good luck, sister. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Fuck, what the hell is going on? Shit, I'm scared, Eldis. I'm fucking scared. Is it time to keep it twisted? Oh, holy shit, what the hell? There's no shot this fits on my helmet. Wow. Look at that. It fits my head. Holy shit. How did this big ass happen? Oh, it's time for the motherfucking twisted ass fucked up question of the week. This isn't even on the furthest setting. It's been on my head. What the fuck is this? Twisted T is an ally to the plus size community. That's beautiful. Look at that. Let's... Twisted T, can we get a hat for Zach? Please. For Emmy nominated actors, Zach Cherry. Please, that's beautiful. I haven't been able to put on an off the rack hat in fucking ten years. I mean, that's the best advertising we're going to do for Twisted T. That's beautiful. And we have the motherfucking ass fucked up question of the week. Will this go ahead, please? You can guess. Big fan, medium amount of time, listen here. I just found out that my boyfriend used to be in like a semi-serious-ish relationship with a porn star. He's keeping it twisted as hell. He's keeping it twisted as hell. He's so insecure. What? One of his friends mentioned it like on accident and passing. We didn't really talk about it for a while because he said he didn't want me to know and like we don't really talk about our exes. That's fair. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do now because it makes me so... I want to care about myself. I don't fuck professionally, you know? She is the Roger Federer of Zach. Also, I looked her up because of course I did. She's not like... Oh, she's done only fans a couple of times. She's like a porn star. Nice. She's like a 350K followers on Instagram, like a star. So it's like, yeah, you know, I don't... There's no way I'm as good in bed. She's not listening to things about this age closely. She's trying to figure out who to look at. Also, our body is really different. She's like 5'2", and like giant hips, like natural 36-ages, which is crazy. I'm like 5'8". I'm more of an ass gal. I'm Puerto Rican. That's a great ass. But like, maybe this is cute. They're cute. They're not life-changing. They're like a solid, low-level C, you know? But they're not... She's talking about Cs being a problem. They're so different and so different. It's like, how could you be with someone with that body and also enjoy my body? No. He probably doesn't enjoy it as much. And then there's like this whole... Like I'm not ugly. I don't think I'm ugly. I was like... Oh my God, this is a destroyer. This is a destroyer. This girl. I grew up pretty hot. I've never thought of myself as like, gross looking. You're probably very beautiful. But like, the social capital aspect of like dating a porn star is a guy. Like you kind of just can't compete with that. Yes, you can. No matter how high you're. I'm never going to be someone who is professionally hot, who you like... I saw porn stars are really weird. ...wag to your friends about, you know? You're thinking of a model. I don't know what to do with this information. Porn stars are much more believe-in-all. I don't want to have more conversations with him about it. It's going to make me look insecure as fuck. So, what do I do? Well, it's very funny that society has gone so far. Like maybe we are too progressive, because it's like... It's like one thing to not... Look, we should not disrespect sex workers. We should not think of porn stars as someone who's not deserving of real relationships. But we also shouldn't pretend that someone who's not a sex worker can't compete with dating a porn star. Because yes, there's positives, but you could argue there might be some negatives to that. I'm not sure society is there yet. That might be a particular neurosis, which is very understandable. Understandable. But like, don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. Like, here's the thing. You don't have to be professionally... First of all, he's attracted to you. He wants to be... He thinks you're hot, clearly. Also, something I have a problem with. And this is the type... This is something I face, a discrimination I face. Is that yes, I'm on record as loving big fat jugs, but I like all jugs. That's right. And also, someone can be hiding... Move that can down. Why? Is it blocking me? A little partially. Why did you say something fucking as soon as you fucking ate it? Fucking things have been going five minutes. We had a half hour there, I don't think. Anyway, whatever. Fucking dumbass. I would say, look, he dated... You just happen to know about the person he dated that's going to make you insecure. You've learned this information. There's people you've dated that will probably make him insecure. But I think you got to take this as a win. If you're going to think about it on your terms of... Sure. You're who he's choosing now. Right. So you actually are what he wants. If I found out my wife used to date, who's the funniest guy in history? Woody Allen. I would be like, that's awesome. Right, right, right. I'm the guy who got her. So I think you got to take this as a big double. I think this is a W for sure. I think that actually is a good point that you're in the league, you're in a sisterhood with this woman. And also it's like, look, people date a lot of people and sometimes people they're... And look, I'm not even going to say, maybe this guy obviously was very attracted to this person. But sometimes it's like, this is actually, you know what this is? This is the flip that usually only men have to deal with. This is the flip side of the term boyfriend dick. Have you heard that term where they're like, they're like, oh, you're dick is you have the perfect boyfriend dick because it's not too big. It's like a used dick for day to day, right? And that's something that women have said as a compliment. That's something if I got the surgery, then I would have cheated. Then you could get the boyfriend dick. Yeah, sure, sure. I'd love to get there. But the thought process is, oh, you have a day to day dick. The kind of dick I can build a life with. I don't want one of those big show off, huge pox. I got to do stretches afterwards, whatever. Women usually don't deal with that. You could argue the flip side of that. A woman dating a male porn star that's just hot. The flip side of that would be, if I met somebody who was dating somebody who had a huge hog, maybe it would be a little obscure, but I would also be like, well, she probably... That's not who she wanted to be with all the time. That was probably a fling in her life. Who knows how long it was. And this is the equivalent of like, yes, you're not shaped, you don't look, whatever, as a porn star with huge jugs or whatever. That's not you, but you are also hot and you're hot in a way that he wants to settle down and build a life with. I think a lot of it probably is coming from... If he was dating someone who looked exactly the same but wasn't a porn star, it wouldn't be as crazy making. I think the fact that she has this profile, she has all these people following her, that's probably part of it too because all of that is bleeding into your perception of her. Whereas if this was someone who had the identical body and was just a person, it probably wouldn't feel as insecure about it. I think that's a lot of baggage that it makes sense. It's double. You are dealing with both somebody dating somebody famous and a body type. And look, I'll say that yes, this is... What did you say? Lance Armstrong? Who did you say? Roger Federer. Roger Federer or fucking? Let's just say that's a good one and that's awesome. But he was kind of known as being a little bit kind of like... Wasn't a flash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, I was kind of a lunch pale legend. But he showed up and put in... That's awesome. But here's what I'll say. Is your boyfriend fucking Nadal? Can he put up with Federer? Because look, I might have... Let's say I have a little first-hand experience in this realm. Fucking somebody who does porn feels like you're like, I feel like I'm a guy playing Roger... Imagine what it would look like me trying to play Roger Federer. I'm not in that league. It's a little overwhelming. I can't keep up. It shouldn't have been sanctioned by the athletic commission. It's like, he can't keep up. But it's like, yeah, maybe it was a thrill. But he was at fantasy camp and he's like, this is not who I am. Can your boyfriend fuck professionally? Can he put up with that? And also it's like, there's just... You just don't know anything about... You're also kind of putting these people up on a pedestal that they're not regular people. She was... She's just... At the end of the day, she's just a person, right? Has her own problems and how somebody looks. And even the stuff you're thinking of as positives, it could probably take a toll on somebody. It's not fun to date someone who is like famous or like, you know... There's so many negatives that come with this that it's like, you know, it's just... You're over... I really think you're overthinking this. Definitely. You're the person he wants to be with. We all have people in our past that, you know, would make a partner insecure if they knew about the details. It just so happens, you get to fucking... There's a lot of stuff on the internet that makes you... That you can remind that shows you exactly what you're insecure about. I think... Now, in terms of like advice for this, I don't even think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. You know what I mean? It's like, I think this is just something you need to understand as like... Any X. This is kind of why I ask about body count, X's. What do you really gain from it? But I do... I think it would be, you know, I'm thinking of if I was this guy, I would probably want to hear that you were feeling this so that I could reassure you. Right, right. And be like, that's not who I fucking want to be with. Totally. That's interesting. I would want to know that you were feeling this way because then I would be like that... I mean, I'm sorry you're feeling away, but that... like I'm with you for a rest. Right, right, right, right, right. And I guess this also goes to how... What's the rest of the relationship like? You know? Because is this something that you see with like having a real... Do you see this as something that could be like long term? Because if that's the case, then yeah, maybe have a conversation about it. Be like, hey, I just want you to know, you know, I get why you didn't tell me because we didn't... It's not like when you date someone, you go through an itemized list of who you fuck. That's insane. Or even who you've dated. You're like, I get why you didn't tell me, but I'm just feeling a little insecure. Can we have like a conversation about it? I don't even know. Like yeah, I guess if it was me, I'd be like, you know, I just happened to date her. It also shows that this guy is kind of open-minded in some ways, you know, that like he does just see a hot ass sex worker as a person he would date and not just a pure object of lust, perhaps. So, you know, if you want to have... If it's something that's really... If you see this as a serious relationship and something you want to work through, there's nothing wrong with having the conversation, being like, hey, maybe if you've noticed me being kind of weird. Yeah. This just... Because that's really what you're doing. You're almost like explaining what's going on with you. Where you're like, this is just what happened. And if you're working through it, and then he's weird about it, then you've short... You've fast-forwarded and you've got that information now. Yeah, that's actually a good point. It's like having the conversation also just shows like how he handles with any... How he would handle any difficult weird conversation. Yeah. If he's understanding, if he reassures you, if he lets you know, then you got a winner. If he's like, if he's bringing up the YouTube. Yeah, he's like, yeah, she was fucking awesome. God, I wish you a fucking text me back. I don't have to fuck these frumpy Puerto Ricans anymore. If he does that, then yeah, maybe that's not your husband. But if he's like, if he's like, come on. No, no, no, we just dated. It was a fling. I love you so much. I don't even... Don't think like that for a second. You know, and he might tell you like the flip side of dating somebody who's in the public eye, who's like, you know, there are negatives. So I would just say, all of it evens out, and you choose people for who you want to be with. And he's with you now. So I would say take it, you know, it's beautiful. It's beautiful right now. It's mid-April. Take him outside. You know what I mean? Hit a picnic table and get an ice cold twisted tea. Share, re... Like almost like rededicate your love by sharing maybe a raspberry ice cold twisted tea or perhaps a peach. Perhaps peach. It is, you know, peach. It's out there. It's a spring fruit. Or of course original. Original or half and half. You could share a whole game day pack amongst you. That's beautiful. They're all so good. They're all so good. It's hard to make a decision. So yeah, that's the twisted ass mother fucking ass twisted question of the week, sponsored by Twisted Tea. And shout out to, you know, you and the girl that you're dating at your current partner. You're saying, holy fuck, we're getting the fuck. We're getting you the regular zone. I didn't know if you did it both ways. Nah, we did it right. You're right. No, thank you. You reminded me. Yeah, she sounds hot. I mean, our caller sounds hot too, if I'm being completely honest. C's? She's got a big ass and she has C's and she's like, you're hot also. Relax. Anyway, we covered it. Next question. I just, I'm just now getting horny for both of them. I'm like 36 H porn start to size. 36 H porn. There's actually, I just Googled the professor, is a directory that's like a big titty model or something that this is the first time you're finding out about. Yeah, it actually is somehow. Okay. Yeah, there is. You're right. There's a lot of them with 36 H. Damn. Hold on, hold on. There's a ton of them. Big breasted ladies. This is fucking awesome, dude. Holy shit. Yeah, it's actually impossible to find out with just 36 H. Who's this lady? I don't know her. Thank you caller for, you know, this is fucking awesome. Holy shit. For queuing up some of this. Dude, you just, yeah, few sashes. This is kind of sick. Oh, damn. We won't put this on. Jesus Christ, Elders. Oh, nice. Damn, those are huge. Anyway, I'm sorry. I understand the caller a little more. Yeah, but seem like nice. I know, you know, no, no. Your tits, your Cs are fine. Yeah, big asses are beautiful. If we did the big ass image search, we'd be doing the same thing. Of course, of course. Anyway, keep going. Any porno's ever slide in those DMs, Zach? No, I, You're a married man, of course. I am a married man. My wife, we met because she tweeted at me. Wow. Not even DM, my DMs were closed. Of course. And now I'm not even on any, I'm all hauled. She got while the getting was good. I did, yeah, I completed my mission. Yeah. Damn, dude, I respect the way you live your life. You, a hot girl tweets you, you're like, this is my wife, I'm never going outside. And I'm deleting all social media. I'm cheating, I'm deleting all social media. That's basically what happens. I have a lot to learn from the way you live, dude. You live the clean version of my life. Yeah. The godly version of my life. That's right. Get a hot woman's attention by your dumb form of comedy. Mealy wife, I trained since fifth grade to attract my wife. That's kind of beautiful. Improvised like your version of like one of those stupid mating stances of bird does, you know? Yep. Okay, respect. She came to a show, literally. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. That's beautiful, man. Yeah, this esteemed guest. So I've got a question that I know for sure you guys can help me with. So I just got a CPAP. I've always snored every partner I've ever had, has told me I must snore, whatever. But what finally made me get it was my blood pressure's got really high. You know, trying to stay healthy and, you know, be around for the kids and all that. It's not the CPAP. I've got a beard and like I said, I snore. I kind of mouth breathe when I sleep. So they put me right in with like the over the mouth and nose type mask and, Stavie, I can't, I can't sleep. This is fucking horrible. It gives me panic attacks to wear this. The stress of trying to hit like the four hours for the insurance that I don't have to pay even more is also freaking me the fuck out. What? So like I'm trying to wear it during the day and get used to it that way. And then, you know, adapt to it at night later. But like, I just, I don't know how I'm ever going to get this to work. So yeah, any advice for how to adapt to a CPAP would be super great. Thanks, buddy. Love you. Great question. Why'd you pick this one for me? What the fuck? We do have two on record CPAP users and a third should be using a CPAP in the room right now. This is, this is called. Yeah. Elders really just does not. When did you for CPAP? It's been years now. I was thinking about this because I'm like, do I need to get a new machine? Because this, this is pre pre pandemic, 2019 maybe 18 even. I still had my like regular office job when I got it because I was straight up falling asleep at my desk. Yeah, dude. I would fall asleep driving all the time. I would drive home from DC to Baltimore and I was like, and that's why I was like, maybe I should get something to happen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. What's your setup Zach? Do you have it over the nose? I have the nose because I also have a beard. So, so you just need to tell them you're not going to wear that kind of mask. Yeah. I remember when I went in for my study, they were like, yeah, it's got to go over your whole face and mask or like nose and mouth. So you got to shave your beard. And I was like, no. Yeah. I was like, I'm an actor. I need like, you know, this is kind of my look like I'm not going to fucking shave my beard. And then they're like, oh, well, you have one that just goes on your nose. And I was like, why did you not want to start with that? Yeah. So yeah, you got to be your own advocate in this situation. I think so too. And even like, I'm not going to wear that. And even you're worrying about the insurance and shit. Like you're worried about the wrong stuff to think of this as like, you want to save your life. And it will get better. It will. For sure. Like taking naps with it is a good idea to just get used to it. Like a couple hours at a time. But you'll like, I don't even fucking think about it. Totally. In fact, now if I don't, I can start getting nervous the opposite way where it's like, if I don't, or like if my plans change or like, I'll never put my CPAP in my in checked luggage ever. It's always got to be with me. Yeah. Because I'm like, I really, at this point, I do not get good sleep without it. No, it's terrible. So it does get better. I'm also a nose guy, right? So I have my shit right over my nose. So I don't have a beard. You know, I have that's God forced me to live fat with no good beard, which is so fucked up because I do see it really is awesome. How like there's that you remember how for that viral thing, that guy got that had an awesome beard and then they fucking cut his shitty, fat as fuck. Yeah. That was sad. That was a tragedy. Maybe we can insert that in the in the episode. Eldis make a note. We got to get in touch with that. Like, honestly, yeah, we do. We need to buy him beard growth serum. They fuck completely nerfed that poor fat man. We need to reach out to all the humiliated fat individuals across the Internet and hook them up. Yeah. It's like, Hey man, you you you've been humiliated as a fat person on the Internet. You can eat burgers with me. Yeah. Zach, Gators and Mitch. Like how Ellen used to invite on all the, you know, damn Daniels. Right. We can do that for all the fat only the fat viral ones. Yeah. No. Yes. It's the first guy. I mean, that's brutal. Really tough stuff. You can see how we you can see in his eyes how fucked he is. He knows, dude. Look how confident he is. He looks so much cooler on the left. It's not. He looks like a poor guy. Like an all pro center. Totally. Totally. And then like a cop. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. He looks like a racist cop. He looks like a racist all pro center. And then on the right, he looks like. Yeah. Both guys are into the concept of Valhalla for different reasons. But yeah, poor guy. They nerfed him. Anyway. So yeah, dude, I would say our general advice here is yeah, try and go nose. He says a mouth breather. So if you have to tape your mouth, tape your mouth, do some note and put it over your nose. When I first started wearing it, I straight up, I would sleep like with my hands like to close your mouth. On the bottom of my chin to close my mouth. And now I don't need to do that. But when I first started, that helped me. You'll get used to it. Yeah. I was lucky because I'm not a mouth breather. I will say I was just immediately, I took to it. I was born to wear a CPAP. God knew. Like as a baby, I was like destined to need a CPAP. So I took to it fast as fuck. I don't even need the fucking, because you can like humidify it. I know. It's crazy that you do that. I go dry, bro. That's insane. That's how much I love and respect my CPAP. I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and my water has run out during the night and I'm like, I immediately start coughing. My nose is burning. Not me, dude. I'm built for it, dude. That's how you live every day. I'm built for this lifestyle, dude. So yeah, dude, I would say you're trying to stay around for kids. You're trying to do all this shit. Look at it as the medicine is failing. You're just still in the tooling phase of it. Try a different mask. Go back to your doctor. Look at this. You're also a fat man who doesn't assert himself, who doesn't think he deserves to be heard in this world. That happens a lot. I hear some of that being a fat loser creeping up and understand that you need to advocate for yourself and look at it as them failing you, right? Not you can adapt. It's like, where the fuck is, you know I have a beard. There's all kinds of masks. Why are you giving me this fucking bullshit? There's ones that just sit on your nose. There's the ones that go around your nose. I got the little right around the nose that works. Keep trying different ones. There's ones that go up and over your head. Also there's all sorts of accessories you can get where I have a pillow with a little cut out in the middle so my mask can fit so I can sleep on my belly. Holy shit. You're operating at levels I've never even thought about. This is the one thing I evangelize about because it legit changed my life. Me too. Me too. Stick with it. It makes your life so much better. Yeah. You'll figure it out. You just got to stick with it. Don't quit on it. Because I have, I've heard people are like, I just couldn't do it. And what it really is, and I kind of had this too, is like, you don't want to think of yourself as a guy who's so fat he needs a device to survive sleep. Oh yeah. But unfortunately you are. And you can either be in denial. Yes. And die earlier or figure it out. You know what I mean? Because I know guys who like are kind of on the cusp of being fat. Again, Elda's perfect example. He thinks he's too good for a CPAP. He's going to die. He's going to die. It's going to be sad as fuck. If I live here, that's going to be pathetic, dude. Let me ask you a question. Before you got a CPAP, did you notice, did you like feel that your sleep was bad like before a sleep study? Were you like something feels abnormal, abnormal here? Or for me, no. I, I thought I would sleep well. But then I would be tired all the time. Right. But like when I woke up, I didn't think like, oh man, I got to show you night sleep. I thought if anything, I just thought like, oh, I didn't, I went to bed too late. Cause like the hard thing to say is like, it was hard to tell cause my sleep was all over the place. And you thought you're like, oh, I didn't do, I didn't go to bed early. I don't have a, you like, but it is a night and day difference now. Like now I can tell now what like day, like third times where you just like, you know, you're traveling or you stay somewhere you don't expect to. And you just like wake up and it's just like, you know, you don't feel horrible, but compared to a CPAP night sleep. And just like, or I would need a lot of sleep to feel, to feel recharged. I haven't even, the only time I've had a CPAP last night in the last decade was when I had to get my new machine and they had to do another test and they made me sleep without it. And I was so mad. And they just never have. I just, I just, I keep that thing on me. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Hey, I don't think I'm too good for it. I don't think I'm too skinny for it. No, no, no, you would literally do. It just seems like a lot of. Don't fucking pretend. You really think you're better than us. Get it. And I will say what it really is. You don't realize you are fat. No matter what you do, you already married. It removes that element too. You don't have to worry about feeling self-conscious about it. Exactly. That's what we're saying. That's what we're saying. You say, you pop up, baby. I will say the first year of just like being like, I have a fucking CPAP. You know what I mean? It's like, it also, like I was a little embarrassed to show random women I have a CPAP, but then it's like, if you fuck a guy this fat, you know what's happening. You're not. She's not shocked. I need to see that. No woman was like, what? And it is better for them because then you're not scream snoring in their ear the whole night. Of course. It's a win-win. And there's so women are so nice. They're like, oh, it's like a white noise machine. It's like, that's so nice of you to say that you're a fucking hook. My wife loves my stuff. Anyway. Oh, fuck. All right. So there you go, buddy. Keep at it. We believe in you. I'll just get the CPAP. Switch to Plusnet's award-winning full fiber from just $22.99 a month. Our sweet deal gets you fast and reliable broadband with no activation fee, with speeds up to 900 megabits. It feels like a sugar rush. Full fiber that's full of value. That's a plus. Offer ends 6th of May. 24 months, 26.99 from the 31st of March, 2027. 30.99 from the 31st of March, 2028. New customers only. 62% UK availability. Terms apply. At Tuoy, we give you more. More outfit choices with 20 kilograms of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels built around what you love, like that swim up suite. More race you to the bottom. Water parks on site. More. Ooh, that looks good. Food options from poolside snacks to ala cart dining. Book on app, in-store or online. You book it. Tuoy sort it. At all and after protected keys and Cs apply, selected hotels only. See website for details. Hello, Stav, Eldest and Esteen guest. Thank you for taking my call. I have a question about roommate food etiquette. So I'm a 26-year-old professional jazz guitar player in Brooklyn. My roommate is a saxophone player and we have a band together. And every month we play at a jazz club in Bushwick that has really amazing vegan Mediterranean food. I think I know about this place. So part of the payment for the gig is that they give us food to take home afterwards. So we always get the hummus. Get the hummus. It's going good. And we take it home and leave my hummus in one or two days. Go to trade school, kids. Even if you're good, you're going to be paying fucking Baba Ghanoush. Best case scenario, you get to... I mean, this is when we started talking about how dumb improv and stand-up is. It's like, damn, at least we don't fucking play jazz. I feel bad for Timmy. Timmy a month ago was getting dragged because he said he doesn't want film to end up the way opera and ballet is going. And everyone's like... They thought he was shit talking to the art form. He's saying something that is unquestionably true, which is that a very valuable art form that was a mass, like the masses did enjoy, has now become something... A disrespected niche. It's become a niche that only the very rich can enjoy. And yet I think... I mean, look, he doesn't fucking need me. He doesn't give a fuck at all. His life's awesome. Maybe he just want to not. And as we all know, he did not win the Oscar, but he was nominated. But, yeah, anyway, I think his point... He was making a very valid point, I think, and it's like, yes, we need to do whatever we can. Like... We need to do whatever we can to save improv and keep improv alive. But anyway... It's disgusting having this basement. Yeah, dude. The sad part... I mean, Tim and the Xiaomi's point is so true because they built opera houses and orchestras that I perform in now. I'm shooting my special at a place where fucking some of the most famous conductors have fucking performed. And they did do Improv at Carnegie Hall. That's where it's come to, man. That's sad stuff. So anyway, at least even those are not as bad as Jess. Keep going, eldest. That was my whole point. And we take it home and I'll eat my hummus in one or two days and every single month he will put his hummus in the fridge and forget about it and it goes bad. And so I'll brought after him before, you know, we'll be like a week or two out and I'll be like, hey man, you gotta eat that hummus. And he's like, well, check on it. If it's still good, I'll eat it. If not, I'll throw it away. And he never does. It always goes bad and he throws it away. So my question is, at what point is it okay for me to eat the hummus? Right. You know, I know it's his hummus, but it's getting wasted every month. It breaks my heart and it's so delicious. And maybe I really just do want to eat the hummus, you know, but it seems like it's kind of wasteful. I like this. This is a good question. Anyway, thanks a lot. The podcast means a lot to me. Love you guys, bye. Love you. Hey, maybe we'll go see this guy play jet. I know the place. I know the place too. I've kind of been meaning to check it out. If I, if there's good hummus, I'll. Oh yeah, it's in your fucking neck. You'll go two blocks from your house. It's somewhere in Bushwick. You'll fucking go. Yeah, I would absolutely. All right. We're, we're about to, it is funny because if we, when we all hang out, there's no way to be inconspicuous. Like we're both the guy, like I think we're both, we're doing okay, but we both get recognized because nobody looks like this. Because we have a silhouette that you can notice from fucking 800 yards out. Me and you together, it would be hilarious. It would actually blow people's minds that two of the only little fat guys they've allowed in entertainment hang out. Anyway, this is interesting because there's two separate planes to this question. There is first a matter of sort of equity for the gig, right? And if you're going to be a hard line, if you're going to look at hard line, it's like you both receive payment. You do what you want with it. He does what he wants with it, right? He might have some weird psychological thing where he likes knowing it's there and. Or he might be doing some sort of depreciation tax right off. Right, right, right. He's getting paid in hummus by not eating it. Does that mean he can count those earnings? Right, like when we went up on the shelves that fucking bat girl. The bat girl or the Wil Forte, Wiley Coyote. He's getting a big hummus tax right off. You never know. And if he's seen eating the hummus. Exactly. He owes thousands now. That's a good point. So there's that, right? And like, look, like for example, if we got paid for a gig, and you know, let's say we're doing two prof. You know, don't condescend to me. Don't try to use my lingo. Hey, I'm trying to learn. I'm listening. I'm learning. Let's say we do that and we get each get it, you know, if we're if we're if we're going by UCB standards, zero dollars. But let's say we're going somewhere. More. Let's say we're and why is that? Who complained about it? Standups. Interesting. Anyway, it is so funny that your art form like standups are too proud to be treated like improvisers, you know, you motherfuckers were treated like shit. When Sam's like, how dare you not give us anything? Anyway, when I'm dredging up the the UCB controversy from literally the right side of all that, whatever, whichever it was, whichever it shakes out as ending up being. I was on the right side of all that. That's beautiful, man. Let's say we each got, you know, whatever, they give us 100 bucks each. And, you know, I buy stuff with me for doing an imprap. Yeah, right, right, right, right. And you decide you want to burn it for warmth. Yeah, that's none of my business on one level. Yeah. But on now we're going just as now. So that's the payment. Sure. Now is roommates. Like if he was trading his hummus for something that you didn't like, none of your business. All I'm saying is even whatever. At the end of the day, the the hard line reading of this is it's his. You both get hummus. It's his hummus. He does what he wants. Like if you didn't live with him. You wouldn't need you would never consider this is what I think. So this isn't a payment thing. This is in the realm of roommates. Sure. So let's take that out. Now we're in the house and you're just two roommates who both have food in the fucking fridge. Yeah. One of your roommates lets his fucking food go bad constantly. And as a roommate issue. You know, you've brought it up to him. You've tried to he didn't say his thing. He didn't say, yeah, I never ate it. You take it. He said, I'll check on it. Right. Now, maybe your friends a piece of shit, but at the end of the day, it is his hummus. So what I would say is if I were you, I would start each month eating a little more of his hummus. Yes. Slowly. I think that's right. I don't think this can be gone through the court of law, right? Because you don't really have a case here. You're basically your best case scenario is to become a hummus squatter. Well, it's like hopefully like it's like you're a homeless guy who finds an abandoned home. Maybe this will never be an issue. But by the letter of the law or unjust laws, he does. It's his hummus. And it is unfair what he's doing. But I think you are right to utilize. You have a moral right, but you do not have a legal. Sure. Yes. Right. This is where the law does not match. And you're able to establish a pattern of having eaten the hummus last month and he didn't even notice. Then if you are caught eventually, you're like, buddy, you didn't even notice. And now common law, of course, common law, it is common law. Hum is your common law hummus. And I would even say this is one of those things where, you know, it's like it's like when you decide parking in my neighborhood so bad, I'm going to budget, you know, 300 bucks a month for tickets. Right. You can probably eat this hummus. He won't even notice. Definitely. One month he notices and gets pissed at you. That's where the you maybe have a small roommate sanction for that. But you got away with it two out of the three months. You know what I mean? Right. So I would say this now, unfortunately, you have no legal basis here. This is all unofficial, sort of like, you know, the beautiful thing about hummus is if you move it over. Yeah. If you're if it's in a container and he's not even looking. OK, actually, there's no way like just scrape some hummus on the top. So it looks like it's you can eat that hummus out of the bottom. I know when I love this. So OK, that one, that's one way you put, you know, you fill up, you fill it up with fucking packing peanuts and then a layer of hummus. One thin layer. There's one layer. I would go a step further. The day it happens, you steal the hummus and replace it with fucking sabra, shitty hummus. Or that. Yes. You know what I mean? Or just always have a sabra in the back of the fridge or something even shittier than that. Fucking, you know, something cheaper than that, whatever. But I think, yes, you steal the hummus and put fake. Just fucking put peanut butter in there. Yeah. Put a layer, ground up some oatmeal, put oatmeal or some shit. Like that's actually a real. I think I would do that. I think you start with replacing the hummus with something that sucks and eating it. As long as it visually still looks like his hummus, he's still getting the same benefit. Or yeah. Yeah. Yes. Because he just likes to know it's there. He likes to know it's there. So yeah, you find the shittiest, cheapest hummus there is, right? Maybe even sub-sabra. I don't even know. And you you eat yours and then you're like, mmm, that hummus was so good. I'm in the mood for more hummus. And you take a shitty container, you switch the hummuses, you put his good one in the shitty one, you put the shitty one is that. If you want your cleanest solution, where yes, you have to put a little capital there. That's going to cost you about five bucks for the hummus. But only once because you can just reuse that container. He's not checking the days on that container. And that way you if he's never if he's never checked it and you replace it with dummy hummus, you're fine and you'll never be you'll never be sanctioned by him. And you do have you are morally obligated to do this. You have to do this now. You can't let this hummus be just the absolute. You can't. And now we've gone to the third because I said there's different planes. I just run out. There's home. There's homeless guys all around the country. Yeah, yeah, you give it to them. I just learned about that. Wouldn't it got a dog would not have one of had a dog if I knew this. But so you can't be wasting hummus. I already have a dog. Right. Right. I know I would like to apologize. Of course, I regret it. He regrets it. But mm hmm. Yeah, but yes, eat the hummus, eat the hummus. This is actually and yeah, from a fat perspective, this is a crime, a moral crime. Yeah, to let good hummus, because good hummus, too. When you have hummus that's so good, it fat people look at it as a snack. Oh, that's good as hummus. I mean, creamy as fuck. You've tricked us into thinking ground up beans is a good dip. You talk about people usually like ranch. That's incredible hummus, so you can't let that go to a we need to try this. Hummus, we actually do need to try the hummus. Yeah, we will. We actually will at some point. Maybe we need to go before this comes out. So no one knows we're coming. OK, I think that's I think that we've waited nicely. I was about some fun to go out on here, little buddy. How about a little update? OK. Remember the woman who called on Eric Andre's episode about her boy? She got money in those. She got money in the lawsuit settlement. I did. I listened to. Yes. I'm this was a great this was a great call. And he wanted her to pay for his plastic surgery. Yeah, he wanted to get a BBL with her money. He asked her for that. So here's a little update. Was it a BBL? Not a BBL, but I think he wanted like cock wide. Why? Yes, something. Can we talk? Yes. Yes. A cock BBL. OK, great. What up, Stov? I am the caller that called about my boyfriend wanting a BBL in Brazil with my settlement money. And I'm just giving you an update. I totally understand if it doesn't go to the show. But the update as of right now is one. My boyfriend and I ended up just getting a new gym membership, a non-commercial gym. And so like we're good now, I guess, in terms of body dysmorphia. We still have our days, but that's not to be serious yet. No plastic surgery for right now. I think the Kanye West, the Donda argument was probably the best one. OK, my boyfriend and I for context are both in recovery. So some of the judgment, you know, we have a much crazier thing. Everyone had a judge in Brazil because we have both been addicts at one point in time. But what I ended up doing with the money, a lot of people told me to invest it. And this morning with the war being announced in Iran, I actually ended up using my settlement money and I transferred it into an investment banking account and by ten thousand dollars worth of stocks of Lockheed Martin Boeing. Dude, Raytheon as well as Murphock Gunman. I'm not joking. I'm a veteran. But you're a veteran. You're a veteran. You're good. You're out and you're like, let me fucking let me link my financial. You really want to live in a world where if you make money, that means a bunch of Iranians were killed because fucking. I mean, come on, man, give you. I take it back. Get your boyfriend a fucking BBL. Take the money back. Give him a bigger cock for it. Go to Rio de Janeiro, have a fucking vacation or buying a bigger dick. Don't buy fucking stock and come on, guys. It's sometimes you make art and you put it out in the world and you don't know if you're having an impact on people. And it's just so nice that you get direct feedback on the impact you're having. This fucking podcast for money in Northrop Grumman's pockets, dude. Fuck. Give it. No, never imagined. She's trolling. She has to. I mean, I have to I have to take this lady at face value. She's a veteran. She's a veteran of both fucking heroin and the Iraq war. We should have seen some. I don't know if it's her under pills or whatever it was, but OK. All right, let's finish this. Maybe she gives us a psych. OK. We felt a lot better after during that in play. And I was the one who wanted to say, please, please don't talk to me. But my Instagram is. OK, that's my username. And if you guys want to see photos of what we look like for judgment purposes, I do. I totally find by us. But yeah, we ended up using that money to invest in the warmongering company. Come on, dude. We definitely appreciate you taking our call. You're lying. We love you. She's trolling. We love you, Eldest, whoever this. I pray to God. We love you too. Thank you so much for taking our call and giving us such a helpful insight. She's lying. And teaching us how to love our own bodies. All right, brother, have a nice day. I know, I thought I thought it was like kind of crazy. But then she said, like, she's a veteran. I was like, OK, I can see a veteran like doing. Yeah, she's like, all right, I'm already in for a penny. And for a pound. I was already part of the war machine. I might as well make money off. Right. This isn't like adding anything to my to the cosmic scale. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Look her up. Let's see what they look like. Let's at least fucking see what they look like. It is. It is an interesting treatment for body dysmorphia. I've not heard of investing in Lockheed Martin as the cure before. But she says they both feel a lot better now. It's private. They look cute, at least, you know. Anyway, please. OK, look. OK, let's see. Oh, go to her. She has a different. And how thick would this guy's cock be? Yeah, we see. She's looking good. They're getting jacked. Dude, you guys are hot. Here's the thing. There's nothing for you. You should not have body dysmorphia. You guys look good. You're strong. I would say don't invest in those companies, even though it will. I don't know. Well, who might have fucking tell you would do here? You know what? You do whatever you want to do. I would if it were up to me, invest in something else, but whatever. I'll go the other side and balance this out. If you desert the U.S. Army, we will send you free merch. If you prove that you you got orders to go to fucking unless legally, this is a crime. This is a satire. Yeah, this is a hypothetical. But if you desert the U.S. Armed Forces, we will give you a free 2026. You know what? We'll even give you a free 2027 calendar. We'll give you the rest of the calendar. You get one point five novelty, comedian calendars. And all it's going to take is you you're deserting the U.S. Well, yeah, we'll throw in tickets to how about that? You know, maybe not front row, but you know. So just to just to balance out the skills somehow back during your way into doing USO. Yeah, you just become the USO. Yeah, yeah, because the entire armed forces fled to get tickets to your tour. Jesus, that's so fucking funny. Anyway, that's I'm glad you didn't get him a BBL. But honestly, at this point, get him a BBL instead of giving money to Raytheon. Mixed result. Not a clean. She's joking. She's hilarious. She's fucking Andy Kaufman. That is so funny how earnest she is to. But Andy would have also bought the shares. Yeah, that is so that is true. Yeah, you got to sell the joke. Yeah. All right. Well, look, we're happy for you. You're both hands. You're both hot. He I don't know what he's talking about. You look kind of jacked. Yeah, you both look pretty jacked. I think as two guys with probably reverse body. We really should have a little really relate. Yeah, we cannot. Part of it. We cannot relate to it. Maybe just regular index funds, you know? Yeah, maybe just a general index fund, even crypto for Christ's sake over fucking. Although I guess crypto is just, you know, you do. They're just using it to buy drugs and child pornography with it, so whatever. But all right. Well, that was that was a mixed update, I guess. I still don't know how to feel about that. But yeah, think about deserting the U.S. Army, folks. Instead of instead of being in an unjust war. OK, that's going to do for us. I would say more. But again, Zach's got a career here. I'll keep I'll keep my thought. My my more direct thoughts on the Patreon. You can add it on. I'll leave and you can sort of add it on into the. Yeah, there's no two shots when I'm talking about Iran. When I'm saying go Iran, who I am voting for voting for. Yeah, I'm writing in Iran for the next presidential election. All right, that's going to do for us, folks. Zach, thank you, brother. Thanks for coming. We had to get. I put bitch at the Patreon because it was crazy to get him for three episodes before you did your solo one. You we had to complete the fat house. We have to complete fat house. And now everyone is again eligible for. We're accepting applications as well. That is true. And we were talking about fat house babies or fat house junior, where we're kind of trying to find little fat guys in their upstart 20s. Yeah, not just guys. We need fat chicks in there. Absolutely. We want little fat chicks to to to help. We're going to we're going to be your fat mentors. Yes, because being fat crosses gender. It crosses everything. It is the one thing that across everything, no matter what group you're in, the fat people in that group are thought of less. And we need to fucking band together. We're going to flip this. There's one that one tribe where it's like if you're fat, a shit, you're actually the man. Have you seen those pictures? No, it's awesome, dude. It's like this one fucking tribe and the guys are fatted. They have they have like potbellies. Yeah, I think so. I might try where fat people are dominant. The elder says more attania. Is that it? Go to the go to the go to images. Maybe it's the Bodhi. Yeah, the Bodhi. Do they are. Look at that, dude. Do they let like, are they accepting? I don't know. But we would fuck. We might be too fat for them. We would we would they. That's the thing. They're fat for Africa. I mean, that's some of these pictures. Honestly, I kind of want that body type. Yeah, they are not even close. The chief is so much fucking less fat than us. But anyway, but who knows, maybe that would make us that would, you know, it's like showing LeBron to the people play basketball in the 50s. That's right. If we go over there, we might be. You might clean up. All powerful shit, dude. I might be too much. I might be the biggest piece of ass at the. That guy's pretty fucking fat, that last guy. All right. Well, that's good to do for us, folks. Shout out to the Bodhi tribe of Ethiopia. And don't find Zach. Don't go to anything he does. Only watch the media that's on a screen. You want them to like that. Severus, the you're in the new Resident Evil movie. Yeah, eventually. Yeah. Yeah, that comes out a couple. That comes out. But don't approach Zach in public. Well, no, you can. Your listeners have actually been very kind to me. OK. So the first time I came on, you made me do the humiliation ritual. You put me in the Santa suit. Right. Right. Now you've let me kind of earn my way to normal. I didn't feel bad that both Gabor's and Mitch got to be themselves first. And you you had to do the Santa suit. And I had to bargain you down for Mrs. Claus. Right. Right. I had to get to Santa. Oh, fuck, we should have dressed up as Mrs. Claus. We fucked up. Your fans have been very nice to me. I see them in public and. Yeah. Keep it brief, though. Keep it brief. He's actually a very nice guy. He's not really saying his true feelings. Keep it tight when you approach Zach. I love what you do. Hand shake. Keep it moving. Don't fucking ask me what Ben Stiller's like in person. That's going to do for us, folks. We'll talk to you next week. Bye bye. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams. 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