The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 17

Previously on Taz Royale, 63 spells will be purged from the face of the world, ensuring that the unchecked magical annihilation that claimed the earth does not repeat itself within the borders of the fold. People are dying in there. I don't know what's happening to their spirits. I am not shepherding them to the great hereafter. The format of this forthcoming trial will be a duel. You and your single opponent will square off in a no-holds-barred combat in an arena randomly assigned to you. You will have until dawn tomorrow to choose your opponent. If you win your duel with them, you will receive a golden award. What will the loser of the duels receive? Death. Thank you. Hey guys, welcome back to the Adventure Zone. Taz Royale, our Battle Royale winner-take-all season. We are between trials at the moment. After finishing up the Trial of Transmutation, you all have just learned that your next trial will be the Trial of Conjuration, which will be a duel against an opponent of your choosing. They have to agree to it too. You are sort of in that nice rest period between days of the trials. Right now, Loravith, at the end of the last episode, you accepted the dual challenge of your old friend and rival, Grakon. And that was the last thing that happened. So you all have the day here to do whatever you would like. We will do some shopping here towards the back half of the episode. a little montage. I have also leveled you guys up to level five. Well, I have told you guys to level up to level five. Yeah, I was gonna say, Griffin, I had to click the button that increased my hit points by like six. I don't think there's any big sort of wizard features that you get at five, but you do. Shouldn't there be at five? I mean. Yeah, it's so weird how like, I feel like level five for the martial classes is when you get like extra attack. That's pretty cool. For the wizard... Yeah, the wizard should still be trying to reckon with the fact that flame leaps from their fingers. You know what I mean? I should hope that you learn some new punches at some point. So it's an emotional leveling up as much as... Right. I mean, really, if they wanted to balance the whole thing out, they would make it so when you hit level 10, that was the highest your hit points were ever going to be. And then as your character got older, they would kind of start to lose hit points as they leveled up. That's cool. Because I'm 42. I don't feel healthier now than when I was 21. Yeah, 21 is definitely around where you peaked. You do get access to level three spells, which we will maybe get some of when you guys do your random draw later at the atelier. But as for right now, who would like to go first and do something here with this day off? It's up to you guys. I hope Grandma would like to go looking for Dr. Legume. Okay. It is just after. The hunger with which you want to kill Dr. Legume, Dad. You asked about him at the end of last episode. And this episode, like the first thing. You're like, yeah, me. I want to go and challenge him to the death. I think you asked if he was one of the 24 living aspirants at the end of the last episode, like as soon as we hung up. And yes, he is. It is, I will say, just after this kind of, you know, opening invitation you all received to the ziggurat that morning, people have dispersed and started to go their separate ways. You find Dr. Legume. It takes some looking around. You have to ask some folks if they've seen him lately. but you do find Dr. Legume who is again again it is Mr. Bean and when you find him he is he has a turkey on his head he does not he is shirtless and he's hung up his you know gray suit and red tie sort of on the cliffs next to the falls where he is sitting underneath engaged in just like a deep meditation he is ripped and you don't know if this is like if he's just been getting jacked since the since this whole uh this this whole thing started you know a week or so ago at this point um but he is any battle scars uh yeah dude i mean he looks incredible and intimidating and cool in the torso area this is your first time seeing he's got a tattoo too oh of what sleeve full sleeve um of what yeah it's a fucking magic wand that is jabbing through a skull smashed oh man yeah and it kind of wraps around his arm yeah and there's a speech bubble coming out of the skull's mouth and it says i'm dead and you killed me dr legume so that's where he is is it a mantis skull um no what no why would it be a mantis because dad's a mantis i don't think that's really a Mantis, is he? He's mantis-ish. He has lots of different bug inspirations. Oh, okay. Anyway, you find him, you approach the falls, you see him meditating underneath the powerful water flow. He does not seem to notice you as you approach. Um, my dear doctor. Um, hello. Hello. Doctor, Doctor Legu. He holds up a finger, silently, telling you to just chill for a minute. Right, okay. I can't whistle because my chain will not allow. I'll just sit here. His eyes shoot open. He looks at you. He shoots you a nasty look. He holds his palms upward and levitates upwards into the waterfall's flow, landing next to you by the cliff where he has hung his outerwear. he takes a look at you downwards now. He's like gotten huge and he says What? Doctor I realize that you and I have not gotten off on the right foot but I come to you with a rather bold idea I don't know if you heard of what transpired when we were thrown up into the air. Have you heard any accounts of what happened? I heard you fell down like a baby. You went down like a baby and cried like a baby. Yes, yes, that's exactly right. It was bug versus baby. Everyone called you larva boy. Yes, I've heard that. I have had a revelation, Doctor. I don't belong here. I have no business being in this competition. My illusions of grandeur were very much illusions. I saw how small and insignificant my world is and how even more small and more insignificant I am in relationship to it. I have to get off this whole world, and I think I have an idea how to do that. and to allow you to advance in this competition without actually killing someone. I would... I have no reservations about killing anyone. Oh, well, see, then this will work right into your plan. He kneels down and puts a hand on your shoulder. That's how huge he is now. He says, I was like you once. I was afraid. I had not stepped into my power yet. Brother, you've got to hit the gym. That's where I found myself. If you are sure you do not possess the strength for this world, you must find that strength, and I will tell you where I found it. In the gym, may I say? In the gymnasium. In the gymnasium, yes. Look at my arms. Do you see any possibility of muscles there? No, these are spindly little protein chitin. There's nothing for me to build up. It's not chitin. You should really know. It's organic. Yes, he's the one who has it. Maybe we've all been pronouncing it wrong all these years. Well, and in my language, it's... Beautiful and sonorous. He dries off with a towel and gets dressed. He says, so what's your idea? My idea is that we mutually agree to challenge each other. And we somehow arrange it so that our duel takes place near the edge. And you cast your feather fall on me. And I jump off the edge of the whole damn thing. and gently drift to the ground and never, ever have to set foot on this damnable floating island for as long as I live. Do you think that's going to work? It seems like they would have some sort of measure to stop people from just doing that. Well, I would think good sense would be the measure that people would have to not jump off the edge of a giant floating city. That's important. I am desperate. I cannot function. I mean, just having this conversation, just standing here so near the edge, and we're not that close to it, and looking over a graveyard to see the edge. Oh. It's super spooky for sure. Give me an insight check, please. That's pretty low. Five. Five. He is really studying you right now, and it's hard for you to read his exact body language. Such an enigma is Dr. Legume. But he considers your offer for a little bit, looks you up and down and says, This isn't some sort of trick, is it? Not some sort of ploy? No, this is not a ploy. This is, I need out, doctor. And I assume that, are you a doctor of medicine or is it like an honorary thing? It's like how DJs and MCs will call themselves like Dr. Fat Beats. Oh, yes. It's made up, but make pretend. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, so I assume you're not bound by any Hippocratic oath or any corresponding... The only oath I have sworn is that of the Iron Church. And he flexes again and his shirt tears. He bends it back up. Well, I wish you would consider this. If nothing else, look at it as an easy victory then. I don't know. I'm desperate at this moment. I don't want you to blow up your sort of spot, but I kind of need to know if this is a deception or a persuasion situation. You know what? You rolled the insight check here. How about a persuasion? That would seem to cover any angle. Well, if it's a lie, then it should be. If you are trying to, if this is a ruse of any kind of way, then I think a deception would be. Why don't you just roll, actually? Just roll a d20, and then you can add, you know, whatever stat modifier to it without having to sort of clarify. Okay. I will roll a private insight check for him. 19 plus 2. 21. Okay. He says, um... There's nothing to consider. I don't know who else here I would take on. I have had some sort of cursory conversations with Franklin, but honestly, that orangutan scares the shit out of me. And so I like my odds with you, and I'm happy to help you make your flight from the island. As long as you don't try to double-cross me. Because if you do, I will have to bring the hammer down. I understand. This arm I call the hammer. Yeah, what's the other one called? The slammer. The slammer and the hammer. Yeah. Okay, well, here's the spindle and the bindle, so you can shake either one that you want. He holds out his hand with the grimoire gauntlet on it. Okay, and I hold out the bindle, which has my grimoire on it. Okay, as you clasp hand and claw, you see as the pattern, a silvery pattern, begins to spread upwards from your forearm, actually from your elbow, where the kind of like elbow pad kind of spiked into your elbow when you first had this gauntlet applied and travels upwards all the way up to your palm and crosses over into his pattern, locking your decision in. Okay, so whatever arena we end up at, We'll just make sure that we are close to the edge. Yes. Okay, that sounds good. When you get back down below, will you do me a favor? Of course. I want you to go to my hometown, and I want you to tell everybody how big I got. Oh, yes. Do we have anyone of artistic merit that could do a sketch? Sure. I could do some self-sketches if you'd like. You are just a Renaissance man, aren't you? I really wish you'd gotten a chance to know me before this. I really do have a lot going on, but it seems like our friends have... I regret that as well. We've only sort of intertwined during moments of extreme sort of tension. Ironic, isn't it? Isn't it ironic? We probably could have ended up best of friends. No. No, probably not, no. All right, you have locked in your opponent for the upcoming trial. Let's hop to whoever wants to go next, Justin or Travis. I'll do it. Okay. I need to talk with Gakan. Okay. I asked him to come meet me at my home, which is, of course, a small craggy rock. It's near a ledge. Uh, yes, you have, I mean, your tent is, uh, you know, on the outskirts of the residences. But, you know, if you've been sleeping just somewhere on the mountain, I think that that is reasonable, too. Yeah, just ask him to come meet me. Okay. Uh you invite him to uh meet you in the mountain crags uh at the top of the falls I think if you were paying close enough attention you could have seen this exchange between a huge and shirtless Dr Legume and Hellgrammet down below But you are up at the top of the falls and at the appointed time you hear the unhindered footsteps of Grakon just walking up the side of the mountain like a mountain goat up to your position As he sees you, he says, Ah, Loravith, I trust you've been readying your body for the contest at hand? Well, if I can be quite honest, Grakon, I've been preparing my spirit more than my body. Um, okay, I suppose that's... Well, you'll agree both are important. Like you got saved? So, Grakhan, I brought you here today to speak with you about a matter of some import. If you'll indulge me, it's not directly related to our battle, and I can assure you the conversation we're going to have will not impact the battle in, well, any meaningful way. From your perspective. I appreciate that. I don't want there to be anything sort of getting in the way, muddying the waters. We must find out who is stronger. It is our sacred oath, and I won't hear of anything that would interrupt that. Right. Yes, Grickle. So here's what I wanted to discuss with you. If I, in my heart, am correct about my belief about the outcome of our contest tomorrow, if, in fact, all that I have spoken with about our contest seem to be in agreement, that I will, of course, come out on top. That's the outcome we're all sort of expecting. When you say we all, who exactly are you talking about this with? You know, Greccon, I started with friends and acquaintances and, of course, would be predisposed to supporting me. But even as I delve deeper into your, I was about to say friends, it hardly seems apropos, limited acquaintances that you've made here, still my prowess was favored by all whom I surveyed. Straight up odds making. Just that's a, everyone seemed to think that I would win. Can you give me a deception check, please? It's not relevant, but yes, I will. Yeah, I mean, I'm just curious about how this hits. I mean, I guess it's deception and yes, it is a five Yeah, okay, he's kind of like Okay The point I'm making I can tell from your disposition that you're not buying it The point I'm making is this I have recently had a huge life change and I needed to speak with you about it. You see you have to this point only known me as Laura Vithgonjbon dream wanderer hero to all he knows beloved friend skilled lover but now Grakhan I didn't know about that I did not know about the last part now you roll for deception 6 he definitely knew that you fuck like an angel falling from the sky Congratulations on being a superior lover But that's not the point I used to be like you No the point is I stand before you before this dream wanderer the father And should something befall me tomorrow Gricon during our contest in the extremely unlikely event that I am to fall to you Gricon I need you to know that by our traditions you will be the father of a boy named Nuber Sweetleaf I know about our traditions if you kill someone who's a dad their kids become your kids and I'll be honest That policy works amazing. It's one of our best innovations. I used to be such a fan until it backfired. To see it misappropriated in this way. You always think it's such a solid play until it blows up in your face. So Tuber Sweetleaf, that's the little knee-high sort of stoner guy. An adult man, right? Sorry. That's the adult man who imbibes about his own body weight in the sweet leaf. I don't know if you found those with humans, Grakhan, but their age is indecipherable. To me, they all look like the Tiger Beat cover bottles. I have no idea what the boys age. He is a competitor, Lorovith. He is my son, Grakhan. He's my son, and I'm responsible for him since I killed his father, whose name embarrassingly escapes me. I'd prefer you not tell the boy that. But please, Grakon, I'm asking you personally, personally, please, Grakon, if you are able to conquer me in the field of battle which you will by all signs not be able to achieve, will you take Duba Sweetleaf as your ward and raise him in the manner befitting someone of his great import, which I currently believe could be the most important boy in the world. Why do you believe that? What is it that has happened that has made you think that? His ex-dad was so adamant that Duber had to be protected, and I wish that I had grilled him in hindsight. I mean, more about the boy's intended purpose, his fate, what have you. But I do know he may be the most important boy to ever live, or at least this is the supposition. I've been operating under. So, Grakhan, I need you to promise that if you're able to kill me in the field of battle that you will raise Duber Sweet Leaf as your own. Okay, I will. I am going. I plan on winning. And a lot of the people are talking to... Well, of course, Grakhan, you wouldn't be the Grakhan I know if you'd given up at this point. Where would be the fun in that? But of course, you are a realist too at heart, yes? I'm going to ask you a sort of hypothetical kind of situation and your answer is going to determine my answer. Is that satisfactory? Seems fair enough. You defeat me in this contest. You go on to pass the next handful of trials until at the very end, standing atop the ziggurat, bathed in blood and sunset light, stands you and the only other remaining aspirin to be sweet leaf. What happens next? Well then, Grican, Duber and I get the fuck out What do you mean? I haven't thought that far ahead, Grican I'm just asking you to take over the boy His tutelage, his tutoring Maybe pay for his college What do you mean Get out Before you have claimed victory in the contest, Lord Wither Well, I Why did we come here if not to win and claim the powers of godhood? Listen. If you're asking me... If I... Listen. I'm listening. Are you listening? Gokhan. It doesn't seem like you're listening. Gokhan, I haven't thought this far ahead. I'll be honest with you, and I... Listen. Here's the thing, Gokhan. We can only experience the time that we have directly in front of us, Rekon. Currently, what I am thinking about is keeping Duba Sweetleaf safe in the unlikely event you're able to defeat me. What happens after that? I don't know, Rekon. Trying to stay focused on what's directly ahead of me. And directly ahead of me is I need to make sure if something happens to me, someone will be concerned about the fate of Duba Sweetleaf. We're going to have a strength contest right now If you could give me just a strength check please The number you are trying to beat Is a 16 I got a 17 Okay Those numbers are very very close He grabs you By the By the lapels and takes like a couple big steps forward. It seemed like he was trying to like dangle you off the edge of this cliff, but you have managed to keep your footing and now the two of you are just kind of like pushing, pushing into each other, kind of locked horns style. Do you feel it, Grakhan? You feel, you feel that you can't win. Do you know why? We used to be equally matched. You feel it, Grakhan? Look in my eyes. You know why you can't beat me anymore? come because I care about something smaller than myself. This contest, whatever you and I are, whatever we have built, the challenge that we have spent our lives creating here that will unfold tomorrow will be worth nothing if victory is not your primary desire. You need to get your head right. I will take no pleasure in killing you. If you roll over and die, do not waste this. Do not waste this. He's going to let you go. and start trudging down the side of the mountain. Wait, wait, wait, I got something! Wait, come back! Oh, God, wait, I have something! He climbs back up. What? I didn't think he would come. Fuck. All right. Never mind. He marches back down. hey real quick before you get to the rest of the show thanks for listening hope you're enjoying it hope you're staying safe and warm out there uh we got some new merch up in the mackerel merch store that we would just love you to check out over at McElroyMerch.com. We got a 20 Make It Stick sticker designed by Lucas Hespenheide, who's done a bunch of our merch designs. It's very playful and delightful. If you missed Candle Nights this year, you can still grab the video-on-demand version. You pay what you want for it. All proceeds go to Harmony House in Huntington, West Virginia. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota. Again, McElroyMerch.com is where our stuff is. hey if you're not following us on youtube you should do that over at the mcelroy family youtube channel we're streaming uh just about every day every week uh every weekday rather uh we're doing clubhouse next tuesday super mcelroy brothers all other tuesdays at noon uh eastern time and then monday wednesday and friday we're doing solo streams uh it's it's a lot of fun we're doing a lot of fun stuff and you can follow all of the uh the gaming stuff that we're doing on Instagram at the McElroy Entertainment System. So check all that out too. Thanks for listening. We'll be back with a new episode in a couple weeks. So stick around and we'll talk to you then. Bye. Greatest Trek is the hit podcast about new Star Trek shows. And right now we're talking about all things Starfleet Academy. Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek show made for everyone. From lifetime Star Trek nerds to folks who only like my so-called life in Dawson's Creek. We even had a special writer and actor guest for the fifth episode this season, the hilarious Tawny Newsome. Look, there's always something fun on the Greatest Trek feed, because when the season's over, we're going back to watching the original series. And hey, if you like old Star Trek, the Greatest Generation just had its 10th anniversary. That's Greatest Trek for New Star Trek, and Greatest Generation for the Star Trek you grew up on. Both shows you can find on MaximumFun.org. Ready, go. Knock, knock. Who's there? We got this. With Mark and Hal? You knew this one. You can't put that out as an ad. We just did. New episodes every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Now it's hewn in rock. Hewn in rock? Yeah. How do you hew something in rock? With a chisel. There's only one Hugh in rock and it's Huey Lewis. And the news is we got this with Mark and Howell's available every week on MaximumFun.org. I walked right into that. Rictus, as soon as the announcement of the duels and the challenges and stuff was made, he knew exactly who he was going for. His nemesis, his rival. Sure. fromagio bucatini. Dr. Legume. Oh, but then that guy's taken. No, he's gonna seek out the gentleman. Okay, you have to walk past fromagio bucatini to get to the gentleman. You like brush past him. The gentleman walks out of the ziggurat as soon as this opening sort of discussion has ended. You brush by fromagio bucatini. He's wearing this tall chef's hat. And as you bump into him, you see it kind of like wiggle strangely. And he grabs it and pulls it down real tight on top of his head. He says, hey, watch it. Next, you're on the list. Next time, from Marcio. I hope you guys remember that. That's a big breadcrumb. I smacked the hat off. No, don't. No. No, don't. You can't do that. That would be mean. All right. You are going after the gentleman? Yes. The gentleman is walking down the ramp of the ziggurat and heading towards sort of the eastern edge of the island, towards the atelier and the apothecary and all that. Whizberry, can we talk? He turns, stops, looks at you, squints his eyes for a second, and says, I have business to conduct rictus. I suppose we can do a walk and talk. Whizberry is the town from which I hail, by the way. It is not my name. What is it? You may call me the gentleman from Whizberry. That's not your name either. Yes. Like, if I made you call me the heir to the breathless fields, like... Is that the title that you wish to be called by? No. I do not mind to put a little bit of ceremony on our means. Oh, my God. I was trying. I was going to be so civil during this, and you're just such a rockin' douche. Okay, well, why don't you go and set my house on fire again, Richter? Why don't you try to kill me and my friends? Why don't you steal my key? That was, again, for the contest to ensure my own survival. Right now, what you're doing doesn't seem to have any bearing on the game whatsoever. So, again, I must conduct some business. We are slowing down. this conversation. He keeps walking towards the atelier. I gotta get my spells in order. I need to get my magic stuff. You understand. So what is it that you want, Rictus? I bet I can guess. I think it would be best to get this out of the way. You say the words, Rictus. I'm not going to fill in the blanks for you. I think that we should challenge each other. I think it's inevitable whether it's in this fight or the next or the next or the next. He stops sort of right in front of the flaps leading into the Atelier tent. He turns and he looks at you and he smiles and he says, No, thank you. And he walks into the tent. Coward Okay he says just kind of brushes you off walks in I rush in after him Okay you head into the atelier and he is doing his best to kind of just like go about his business in here looking at some of the things on the shelves, eyeing some of the crystals behind the counter. He says, you are not going to give this up, are you? When you go into one of these trials, do you look and see if I'm there? I can't say that I do, Rictus. Insight? Yeah. Insight check. That's a natural one. He's telling the truth. He does not, he doesn't give a shit about you, man. Does not think about you. Okay, well, how about this? I'm flattered, though, Rictus, if that's how you think of me. I didn't know I lived rent-free in there, but that's kind of cute, honestly. If you do not accept my challenge, and I win, and you win, then in every trial moving forward, not only will you have the challenge of the trial, but if I am there, you will also have to deal with me. so why not get it out of the way when it's what the trial calls for rather than being distracted and taken off of your goal by me trying to kill you I think this has got to be an intimidation check please Travis you just said that you'll have to fucking deal with me in every trial after this I'm trying to make a logical argument for him. You're making a logical argument of a, it is a threat, Travis. Something that I had to learn, Trav, as an adult, is that the way we say things matters, too. I think I learned that on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Let's see. There we go. Okay, a 15 plus one is 16. He... I'm not gonna make you roll insight for this. He's scared of you, and he was before you said the shit you just said, but you can tell he is turning you down because he is scared of you. He drops what he's doing and he turns to face you and he says, look, Rictus, I recognize that this is not the most courageous position to take, but I am who I am because I am a pragmatist at heart. I have an ability the likes of which the world has never seen and for whatever reason you are able with some effort, I hope, to resist that ability. So why, Rictus, why would I face you in a duel to the death when I can take on any one of the other 22 aspirants here who have not already partnered up who will be unable to resist my ability to freeze time. Why is that, Rictus? Why would I do that? Because if you agree to not use your time magic, I would agree to not use my necromancy or invisibility. I'm not going to agree. Rictus, I don't want to die here. I want to win using every power at my disposal, including the incredible power I have to manipulate time. I'm not going to... He sighs. He says, you're not going to drop this, are you? No, I think I made that clear. Okay. He stops, he thinks. So you won't use any of your inherited necromantic power from the great Ravenwood family line, and I won't use my ability to freeze time. That's the conditions of our duel. Yes. Okay. Okay, that sounds good to me. He looks you down, he holds out his hand. That was a quick change. You can give me an insight check if you want to. I do. That is a 13 plus two, 15. Oh, he's lying. He is lying. He is lying to you. I talk to the helper in my grimoire, whose name I've forgotten. Chris. Chris? This floating sort of crystalline hologram appear over the central gemstone in your grimoire and you hear a voice say, hi there, Richtus. What can I do for you today? We're going to engage in the challenge for the duel tomorrow, but there are some conditions that we're swearing upon. Is there a way to ensure that via the abilities of the octave so that there is no subterfuge or cheating? unfortunately we are not able to place special restrictions on your duel that we would not put on anyone else it is not in the octave's interest to interfere with this contest of strength instead they will just sort of observe the results uh but you can just sort of you know promise make a big promise to each other and uh hopefully your opponent will hold up their end of the bargain You see the crystal turn a little bit towards the gentleman and say, oh, okay, I wouldn't. Rick, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I wouldn't listen to anything that that guy has to say and take it at face value. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome. Is there anything else I can do to help you today? What time is it? It is 11.03 a.m. And what's, like, the weather? It's gonna be a hot one. Okay, yeah, thank you, Chris. Could you set a reminder? Sure, what do you need reminding of? Tomorrow, kill the gentleman of Whizberry. I think he prefers the gentleman from Whizberry. How about just, like, the gentleman of Pissberry? How about that? Sure. Thank you. Setting a reminder tomorrow morning to kill the gentleman from Pissberry. Thank you very much. And I shake the gentleman's hand. Okay. You, again, see these silvery vines growing upwards from your elbow pad of the grimoire upwards up your wrist and across your palm into the pattern formed by his grimoire. And your opponent is set. When I do it, Griffin, I kind of bend one finger and it tickles his palm. So it feels weird and gross. You know what I mean? Yeah. He pulls his hand back. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, I suppose. And my fingers are always cold, too, so fucking deal with it. Yeah, it's absolutely the worst. He marches off. Hellgrammit and Lorgid. I stuck a note to his back. What's it say? It says, call me Pissberry. Give me a sleight of hand check, please. Okay. Come on, not 20. No, it's a four. Plus two. Six. It falls to the ground. He picks it up and says, okay, that's great. Pissberry, huh? Do you get it? Yes, I get it You're gonna get it I flip him off Lorvith and Helgramma, you see this As you all enter the atelier For the shopping montage And You all have regrouped here I go up to John and say I need a gun Do you have any guns? Time traveling guns Do you have a time proof gun? You see John Arbuckle look at you confused and say no? Okay. Can I interest the three of you in some magic spells? Some crystals? What kind of prizes are you all working with, by the way? You all did receive prizes based on where you finished the last challenge. The lowest three players on the spiral staircase ended up with copper rewards. the three in the middle received silver and the two at the highest received gold. Helgrammon and Loravith, you all were bringing up the rear. You both took home copper prizes. Rictus, you ended up middle of the pack. Griffin, I think that is a huge misrepresentation of what Loravith took away from that contest. Like I might've had gold, copper in my pocket, but I've got like gold in my heart. You got gold in your heart for sure. Yeah. so much purpose. Like, what is the value of purpose? You know what I mean? Yeah, come on, Griffin. Absolutely. I think- Did you even take that into account, that he has some purpose in his life and you should give him more stuff for it? Hey, if Duber Sweetleaf hadn't finished dead last, maybe you could just swap the prizes with him. Hey, Griffin, he watched his dad die in front of him. Maybe that gets your rocks hard, but he didn't even know it was his dad. He thought it was his grandfather the whole time. I'll say this. I'll say this. Randolph casts that magic spell. You never saw him die. Oh, that's right. Oh. You never saw me die. Sorry. You went a little Benoit Blanc there. No, Dad. No. It's one of the things about the Adventure Zone is that legally speaking, despite his, like, incredibly problematic, almost radioactive problematic nature, We must legally reference that one Kevin Spacey video he did where he tried to backdoor. On Christmas Day where he tried to backdoor reboot fucking House of Cards because you never saw. You never saw me. Oh, that's right. I got to download that soon. I'm worried he'll pay AI to erase it or something. It's the most remarkable video. Okay. So who would like to go first? We'll do some spell summoning, and we will do some pulling items from the Orb of Controration. I got silver. Oh, yeah. Just to clarify. No, you go first. You got silver. No, no, no. I wasn't saying I should go first. Like you had mentioned. Oh, go ahead. Sure. Okay, with the copper reward, I'm going to pull three spells at random that you will get to choose from. We'll do that a few times. Now that you have access to third-level spells, they are now in the pool. and there's some juicy ones up in there. Okay, first spell, jump first level spell. Triple is your jumping distance. We've got create bonfire, cantrip, and gaseous form, which is a third level spell. Damn. Start a fire, jump good, turn to gas. I think I'm gonna go ahead and take turn to gas. Okay, gashes form. Just one thing for sure, the folks behind D&D, jump is a dumb spell. I know it's been in there for a long time, but if I ever in my real day-to-day life saw a wizard do some things with their hands and feet and then watched him jump 18 feet in the air, I would laugh at them. I would say that's a huge waste of time and a waste of magic. I'm like 30 feet forward. If you saw a wizard, an old man in a robe, just absolutely do the long jump and land in the stands. That's crazy. Do you understand the thing that I'm having problems with is that he has to then jump. Do you understand? There's got to be other, like manifest ladder, anything could be jumping. Just jumping good, it's not magical to me. I mean, there's a lot of bad spells that I just think jump's a pretty bad one. Okay, next three. We've got Agonazar's Scorcher, which is a second level spell. Shoots out like a wall of fire. We've got Distort Value, which is a first level spell. And we've got Message, which is a cantrip. Allows you to send a telepathic message and receive one in response from the person you're choosing. I'm gonna get that one okay take message and the last just because we're doing an audio podcast though it's just for the narrative yeah no it can be like it'll be out loud for the show yeah but I'm saying like I'm taking that spell because it opens up better narrative possibilities that's really beautiful I think okay and we've got cause fear which is a first level spell. That's natural. Innate. That's just what you do. We've got Flaming Sphere, a second level spell. Hopefully the last one will rhyme as well. Prestidigitation. So sadly no. A real crappy crop. What are these again? Cause Fear, first level spell. Flaming Sphere, a second level spell. And Prestidigitation, a cantrip. Classic cantrip. lets you do like a bunch of different sort of magic tricks. This was the spell of Randolph before he fell and added it into the rotation. I'm going to take Prestidigitation. I feel like even if it's kind of stupid, it's probably going to be more useful than... A big flaming sphere is a real big choice. You know what I mean? Like you're really shooting the cannon indoors with a big flaming sphere. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. You, you know, do the ritual you see as these stones float down from the kind of – I think it feels like – You think you just – it's like when you understand something that you've been trying to understand for a long time. You think it's like a memory coming back to you. What do you think it's like to learn a spell? I mean I think Prestidigitation would be a very interesting sort of example. As you slot it into your grimoire, you are flooded with memories, only this time the memories are those of Randolph. You see him meeting some halfling folk while out on a sort of arcane study in the hill country. You see him meeting Duber Sweetleaf and his friends. you see him sort of enjoying a pint of amber draft Is there a speed option or is it can it go faster or You see him smelling the breeze through the high fields I'm looking for like a fast forward or triple You see him enjoying the honey sweet pies of Madame Sugarfoot's bakery I take it back off, I guess. Oh, how sweet. No, it's- Stop talking. I smashed it with my heel. Please stop. It is overwhelming. This is an ancient wizard who studied his sort of very multi-utility spell for a really long time at like several prestigious academies. And you just all of a sudden, now you remember all that stuff. Now, wait. Okay. No, no, wait. No, wait. Now, hold on. See, this is what I want to drill down into because I think it is going to be narratively important. Sure. There's a lot of information in a human mind. Right. We are all of this person's memory. Like, I don't. If I'm walking around with everything these people know, then I'm going to be able to narratively. I want to be able to remember stuff that they knew. And I feel like that's maybe not the intent that you're going for. that I have access to all these people's memories. But that's like, as you're describing it, that is what you're describing. Give me an Arcana check, please. Okay. It's a 19. Okay, holy shit. That's very good. You've done this a lot now, right? There's been like a 10 or so of these spell crystals containing the memories of the wizards who trained in their sort of unique gift, right? Everybody in this world who can use magic has one spell that they know that they sort of gain access to through rigorous study and practice. Pretty much all of the other crystals that you have claimed, the memories have been like pretty limited. The memories have been limited to exclusively the study, the time that they spent studying those spells. They were abstract things. You couldn't reach in and remember the favorite food of Ignacio the red ranger whose stone you claimed in the first trial right You can just kind of remember the study that he had With Randolph specifically those memories that you saw of Duber Sweetleaf that was kind of unique. Those weren't limited just to his studies. Or maybe they did. Maybe his use of prestidigitation to delight the halflings of the hill country is sort of tied up in it. But you definitely, like i think you have the realization right now that there can be a lot more that is transferred through these through these memory stones and as a result i think you also realize that like there's also a lot more that can be kind of harvested if you want to think of it that way do you so the memories are i guess what i was trying to drill down in is if that was like a sensation you had talked about it when we got spells i was trying to ascertain if that was a sensation of getting the spells or if that's something that we maybe still have access to and it sounds like maybe these are like hidden files maybe to use a computer terminology or like read only hidden down deep got cracked through the ice that could be the takeaway from it i i think the more sort of straightforward takeaway and again you're gleaning a lot right now because of this very, very strong arcana check. Randolph was maybe a cut above. In the classification, classic wizard magic user rankings, he was extremely proficient in this thing that he could do, right? Maybe his sort of inherent ability, his inherent sort of spellcasting prowess allowed him to pass on a little bit more than kind of what everyone else did. I'm not saying that now you are part, you know, well, I'm not going to muddy the waters at all. That is the sort of takeaway. Okay, thanks. Sorry to... No, I think that, hey, this is a big kind of like mechanic and I'm glad that you're asking questions about it. Who would like to go next? I'll go next. Heck yeah! I'll go again. Without fail. Okay, Helgramit. Yes. Three spells at random. You get to choose one of your value. The first is Blur. Okay. Well, not the band Blur. Why did I just Google the word Blur? Your body becomes blurred, shifting. For the duration, any creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against you, unless their attack doesn't rely on sight or can see through illusions. That's a second level spell, by the way. Next is Witch Bolt. First level spell, shoot a lightning bolt at someone if it hits then you can spend uh the next turns also applying that damage automatically with your action if you so choose unless you are interrupted or break line of sight distort value again first level spell allows you to trick someone into thinking something is worth more than it is blur witch bolt distort value blur please okay uh next set you have Phantom Steed, a third level spell. Of course, that lets you summon a Phantom Steed. Magnify Gravity, which allows you to, I mean, do just that in a selected area. Slow enemies down, do some crushing damage. That's the first level spell. And Ray of Frost, Cantrip. I'll take Magnify Gravity for 200, Alex. He's going to try Magnifying gravity I'm so glad we got that out of the way I wasn't going to And then he chose it Yeah, you always were going to Well, I was going to And then I took a drink of Celsius And I threw it off You're all welcome Okay, and we've got Charm Person First level spell We've got Counterspell Third level spell used as a reaction and you can cancel out spells of third level or lower or roll to cancel out higher level ones. And Gust. Gust. Cantrip. Charm person, counter spell, or Gust. Man. Why couldn't they have been crappy choices like you gave Justin? Yeah, come on, Griffin. I did not give Justin anything. These were selected with a very, very advanced patent pending spreadsheet. You know what? I've never done Counterspell. Let's try Counterspell. Okay. All right. You've got Blur, Magnify, Gravity, and Counterspell. Those are some fun ones. Okay. Finally, we've got Rictus. Now, Rictus, your silver prize allows you to select a spell level, if you would like, and have your three spells drawn specifically from that pool of levels. So if you want to try and draw a cantrip, if you want to try and draw a third level spell, now that you have that slot, you can target those and then all of them will be selected from that. Well then, Griffin, let's start with third level then. Can we draw three third level spells, please? All right. we've got pulse wave allows you to shoot out a wave of force and either push or pull people and objects towards you and deal damage we've got hypnotic pattern that allows you to create a sort of illusory shape in the sky anyone who sees it and fails their check will become incapacitated until roused from their well hypnosis and thunderstep lets you teleport sort of short range and wherever you appear deal potential thunder damage to anyone nearby as you let out a booming crack of sound that reaches 300 feet away. I'll take thunderstep please okay what are you what would you like next such a good question. You can also if you just want three random spells if you don't want to target a thing like that. Can I have some cantrips, please? Yes, you may. We've got Minor Illusion. We've got Chill Touch. And we've got Ray of Frost. What's Minor Illusion do? Minor Illusion has some restrictions on it. I think it can't. Let me see. You create the sound or image of an object within range that lasts for the duration. The duration is one minute. It can be a sound ranging from whisper to a scream. It can be a voice, a lion's roar, beating of drums, any other sound you choose, or an image that cannot create sound, light, smell, or any other sensory effect. And you said the third one was Ray of Frost. I'll take that one, please. Okay. All right. And, you know, then just three random spells, please. All righty. Mirror image. Second level spell lets you create three copies of yourself and then potentially have enemies attack those copies instead of yourself. Lightning Bolt. Third level spell. Shoots out a big old lightning bolt. And we've got Silvery Barbs. That is a first level spell that allows you to, I believe, force disadvantage on an enemy who fails a resistance check and grant advantage to an ally. Silvery barbs Silvery barbs Seems like dad is quite taken with silvery barbs As an option I see Actually that was just from my one man show Burl Ives, a man and his music It's really good dad It's beautiful dad Sorry dad's Burl always gets Ever since we were kids He's like a second dad He was like a first dad to me When dad would show up With the baking soda In his beard and hair And say it's me Burl We would know we were in for a good night We knew we would at least have a dinner tonight Burl always fed us That's the thing I loved about Burl He always went to KFC first Burl did He would keep us up so late So tired The next day And it's bad to say, we have one more hit from Dino. I'm going to take mirror image, please. All righty. That's a fun one. That one, when you have more images, when an enemy attacks you, you roll a d20. And if it's above a certain threshold, it just hits one of your illusions instead. Okay. So that is the spell draft. And then you see John Arbuckle hold up the glowing, pulsating purple orb of Conjuration and says, okay, guys, you know the deal. Hands in. Good luck. And there's some good stuff in there. Maybe you guys will get some choice cuts this time. You got some the snickle frits last time, but I feel good about your odds this time. Do the tiers of rewards matter at all here? They do, yes. for the copper finishers among you, you will be rolling with disadvantage. We take the lower number. With the silver, you just roll straight up. Okay. Okay, I'm gonna go first this time. Okay. Because I win last. I got an 18. Holy shit, dude. Good time for it. You reach in to the Orb of Conjuration and with an 18, the darkness reaches back. No? Okay. You reach in and you feel your hand clasp around a wooden handle and as you pull it out, you retrieve a somewhat mundane-looking four-paned lantern. Glowing inside of it, you see a white flame that is burning within, and it appears to have these sort of like very faint tendrils of darkness kind of whipping out of this white flame periodically. You feel a sort of unnatural cold coming from this lantern. This is from our listener, Stephen, who sent in this submission, as did all of our listeners to the adventurezonecast at gmail.com email account. A lantern called the Shadowseer's Lantern. It grants the wielder the following effect. Once per day, you can cast the darkness spell centered on the lantern. The wielder of the lantern can see through the darkness unimpaired. Oh, cool. Okay. John Arbuckle is visibly stoked as a non-trash item is finally kind of retrieved. Okay, who wants to go next? I'll go. Okay. roll with disadvantage please well 19 and a 1 no no okay so with a 1 you reach in and you also grab a handle and you're like hell yeah more magic lanterns baby and you pull out a it looks like a lightly used toothbrush and it has sort of just a small kind of plasticky handle. It's kind of a faint aquamarine color. The bristles, like if you inspect them very, very closely, you would know someone has used this toothbrush before. But you can feel it pulsing with a tremendous power. You've retrieved from our listener, Mary Ann, who also submitted an item that was chosen last time, the truth brush. This is very appropriate for you, Dad. Once per day, bestows a curse upon anyone who uses it to brush their teeth, causing them to only speak the truth for the next 10 minutes as though under the effects of the spell zone of truth. That is appropriate and is right up there with the never rotting banana peel I got last time. Yes. Probably from her. I don't remember. I think Marianne did the glasses, the Bernard's glasses that let you dress up a dead body and pretend it is alive. So, yeah, it is a toothbrush. It's like the spell zone of truth, but someone has to brush their teeth with it to get it to work. So a bit more kind of context sensitive. But you, again, rolled a one on the table. And, Juice, your roll with disadvantage, please. Yeah, here it comes. looks like I'm gonna give you a 10 and a that's a 1 that's a 1 I'm not sure if that is let me turn my head to it's a 1 you got a 1 0 and a 0 1 so with disadvantage I guess I'll go with the 1 I guess the good news is that you are pulling up the next highest 1 because dad took the one, which was the truth brush. You. I'm not happy. I'm going to be honest, Griff. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm just not thrilled. Kind of wanted a cool new thing. Yeah, no, you reach in and you grab what feels like a very sort of small tin can and you try to let it go real quick because you're like, I want something else, but you just keep grabbing onto this one small tin can. And you pull out a small rectangular tin. And looking at the top of the tin, it's got some tiny little greasy looking fish on it. It's got a pull tap lid. And you can see a label printed on the top that says sneaky sardines. And this is from our friend Michael who says, well, he doesn't say this. It is written. it is an unassuming tin of sardines when opened in front of any physically locked door the lid peels up in the exact configuration of the key required to open said door the key magically silences the lock mechanism and door as to provide a sneaky entrance for the player giving advantage on stealth or sleight of hand for the door and you can also eat the sardines for 10 temporary hit points it is one time use and Michael has included please recycle so I don't know if there's like a curse that's bestowed if you throw it in with the rest of the rubbish but these are these sneaky sardines I don't see this in the default so I think I might have to make a custom for this one oh it's not it's not in the default list of items isn't that strange that's really weird hold on let me enable some of the extended universe no turn on the critical role stuff okay here it is They call it Matt's Merciless Muscles. And if you open this tent of muscles, the merciless will come open the door for you. That's what it says. That's very, very good. That works. Okay. You all now armed with new magics and items of questionable power have equipped yourselves. Your opponents have been selected and you return to your quarters awaiting the following day and the decisive duel to the death that it will bring. I also write out my will. You write out your living will, which is, I mean, you do have this. Shouldn't it be a dying will? It's just a will. I think it's just called a will. Yeah. You don't write your will after you're dead. That's, actually, I have it set up. Yeah, actually, this is a necromancer, so I can't. Yeah. He might. Well, no, I told ChatGPT that I don't like AI. I don't use it for a lot of stuff but I did tell it to write up my will if I do beef it because I can't be bothered to do that well. I told it to solve some impossible logic puzzles after I die. Is this still the show for God's sake? I don't think so, yeah. Maximum Fun, a work-run network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.