Fan Favorite Episode 416 Andrew Santino

Not many men can withstand my punch. Punch. Obviously. Obviously. For sure. Got a set of hair on them. Black belts and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mmm, kid's got a piece on them. Piece on them. Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the Onnit Studios in Playa Vista, California, it is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter. Sounds better when you say live. We're not live. We don't do live. Shut up, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid live. It's not live. This is not live. This is not live. I had a whole other thing to tell you. What's up, brother? What's up? You know, Callan, suppose he's on set. He's going to be a little late today. Can I interrupt you for a second? Please do, bro. Brian is such a piece of shit. What a piece of shit. Dude, we texted him and I five or six times to make sure that this is confirmed. And I said, I'm so happy to be back with you guys. Sure enough, he's not here. He texted D'Elia and I this morning. No, you texted D'Elia and I this morning. We're still on. It's supposed to be me, you, D'Elia, and Callan. I always check with the guests in the morning. It's called being professional. You're a pro. I'm a pro. Because Brian goes, dude, Santino D'Elia tomorrow. Yep. I'm like, all right, cool, man. I haven't heard anything about it. I talk to Chris every day. Chris hasn't mentioned it, so I'm like, Brian got this. Nope. I texted you guys nothing. Nothing. I texted you back. You did. And Chris goes, what? Today. Today? Today is the day? You got to keep me a little bit more abreast. So when Callan does come in, if he does come by. We're going to sock him right in the dick. We're going to knock him the fuck out. He's stupid old dick. knock him out. Do you imagine Brian can fight? Can Brian fight? He can. He's still agile. Well, he can, especially for his age. Who would you pit him against? Well, what other 67-year-old would you pit him against? I mean, Rogan's only 50, but Rogan would fucking destroy him. Who's somebody that he'd have a good competition fighting? Like a legit fight? Yeah, like another comic. Who would be a good fight? Because you know... D'Elia. D'Elia, I think, would murder him. D'Elia would fuck him up. He would murder him. He's younger. He's stronger. He's stronger. He's big. I feel like you and Callum would fucking go at it. We'd be a good fight. We'd be a good fight. He's older than me by a lot. But it would be a good fight. You'd stick it to him, I feel like. But I think Brian and I have the same kind of, like, we have the same kind of anger. Like, we have the same kind of, like, you know, Brian's really nice and sweet, but inside deep down. He's dark. Dark, dark, dark. Some would say the darkest? The darkest. You're not, I don't get a dark vibe from you. I got it in there, dude. Do you? I got it real deep down there. Well, that's why you're a comic. I got it real deep. It's just like old shit that boils up. Because you were picked last all the time as a kid growing up? No. No, I'm just brainstorming. Shut up! Dude, I'm brainstorming here. No, I'll tell you what it was. Please. Oh, I actually know exactly what it was. When I was a kid, having red hair used to be so annoying because people would talk shit. But I would only use my hands and not my words. I learned to use my words and be funny. But originally you would... I fought everyone that came in my way. I punched everything. I fought everybody. So then I kind of got the card of a bully. But all I was doing was defending myself. But I would punch everybody. So you, you know what? Can I tell you, they kicked me out? Do you have a little bit of anger issue? A lot of it. I had to go to fucking anger management. I have a lot of anger. They kicked me out of my elementary school or whatever. Slugger Santino. That's what one of the teachers said. Slugger Santino? That's what the nun said. I was in a Catholic school. They kicked me out. You didn't name your next special Slugger. Slugger Santino. Yes. Yeah, because I fought too many kids. Wow. But it was validated because they were roasting you on your red hair. Yeah, so they would say, you know, fire crotch or... What was the other one that was really good? Tomato face. Tomato face, yeah. Pizza boy. Yeah, it was just like whatever. Whatever shit they could come up with. So when you're that young, most people don't think that you're going to punch them. They think you'll push them or you'll yell at them or whatever. I would just punch people as hard as I could. Well, I feel like most kids, especially getting roasted, are going to punch as hard as they could. Because you're not going to dissect someone with your words at seven. Yeah, but you know most people don't want to fight. That's something you know Don't you know that? Most people in this world Try to avoid fighting Now especially But back How old are you? 35 Yeah we're the exact same age But back when I was a kid Like most problems were solved With your fist But it wasn't a big deal No you just got over it I didn't get suspended for weeks Or nothing like that Like the teacher Like what happened I'm like he was making fun of my mom Fucking shit So me and him started wrestling And I punched him in the face Like alright You're in detention You're here The good days It was the good old days Yeah when you didn't have to worry about it I remember Think about being a redhead these days Please Well knives Knives guns See that's I think People use real shit now People are gonna use Real weapons now When they fight But imagine being redhead Right But at least you're A good looking dude Thank you dude Cause most of them Are fucking repulsive They're so ugly When I see redheaded people I know And they look at me As if to say like Hey I'm also redhead I look away I go no no no no You're fucked my whole day up Nope we're different people Ruins my day We're different people Now imagine being that Shitty redhead in school Oh yeah Not being a dying piece Cause there's some hot ones Yeah there's some Well chicks mostly That's what I'm saying. Canelo's a good looking dude. But Canelo has got that spice. He's got that Mexican spice. But his skin looks like a vampire. It does. But because of the Mexican, it still helps a lot. True, and he shredded. But what I'm saying is, imagine being a redhead kid who doesn't look like the slugger Santino or Canelo. And gets picked on. And can't defend himself. And then goes home and you get bullied online. Oh, boy. And there's meme, redhead memes. Flying tomato. Fucking freckle face. Can you believe that there's a kick of ginger day that still exists? I think the government sanctioned it. I don't even know what the day is. Do you know what the kick of ginger day is? I don't, but I'll check it out. It's an official day that people publicly online. Nobody gives us credit for being a minority that gets picked up. Who's the most famous ginger? Flying tomato? I mean, I would say there's so many different levels of it. I would say, like, the most famous comedians of all time that are famous are Burr and Louie. They're both redheads. Both redheads. What anger. Or Carrot Top's ass, who oddly enough is extremely famous. People can say what they want. But he's killing it. Yeah, he kills it in Vegas. Someone went to a show and told me it was actually good. He kills it. He's doing something right. Yeah, but what he's doing is he's found a market that he's stuck with. No one else stuck with that. He's found a niche that works for him. Yeah, it's great. And then who else is the most famous redheads? I'm trying to think of like... Football players? Well, there's a bunch of them, dude. Dalton. Carson Wentz? I mean... Are you trying to claim Carson Wentz? Isn't he kind of? He's like an Auburn guy. Bring up Carson Wentz. So it's starting quarterback for the Philadelphia. Andy Dalton is. November 20th. November 20th is Kick-A-Ginger Day. So it's coming up. Oh. No. No, we passed it. We missed it. I missed it. I don't even know what fucking date it is. Next year, brother, I'll kick you. Next year, you kick me, please? What'd you say to look up? Carson Wentz. No, Carson Palmer. Oh, Carson Palmer's right there. He's a redhead. That's what I meant. Wentz is not. Don't try and claim Wentz. No, I won't. Look at Carson Palmer. He's a redhead, right? It's hard to tell. Or Auburn-ish. Oh, God. Yeah, not really. Andy Dalton is a redhead. See that? Yeah, no, see right there. See, it kind of looks. He's a redhead. Look at his facial hair. He's got the red beard. Andy Dalton is a redhead. Andy Dalton. Anyone really good, though? Oh, come on. No, not really. There's no really good redhead. I can't think of anyone. There's never been a pro redheaded basketball player, I don't think. Not that I can think of. There's like the tall seven-footers, but they're never very good. No, no, no, no. There's a couple redheads in the NBA. Type in redheads, NBA, Firmichan. I guess we got comedy. Got you. Piece of shit. You. Oh, my God. Look what he's wearing. By the way, I took over your chair. Yeah, you did. Yeah, I did. Yeah, dude. And that's not appropriate. Yes, it is. Bri. No, it's not. What time are we supposed to start this whole thing? You know what, dude? I'm shooting my TV show, which is why I'm wearing my awesome outfit. That's you wanted to wear that. Yeah, you did. Your call is until 5 p.m. today. That's not true. Yes, it is, dude. No, it's not. You just like wearing that around town because you want people to ask you. Correct. Hey, were you the guys from the trailer? I saw you on the trailer on ABC. Correct. He still rocks a Mad TV shirt. I'm fresh from the set. Really? And I'm still a little emotional. Do you have makeup on? Is that a hangover jacket? Are you just rocking all your shit that you've done? No, I have to wear this because it's very cold. And it's the middle of December, practically. And you guys are outside? It's the beginning of December. No, but the stage is very cold. They keep it very cold. These are TV things that you guys don't know a lot about because I don't do cable. I do network TV. Are you taking a shot? Excuse me? Well, you know what? Let me take a shot. Hey, I saw your trailer for this on ABC last night, and I was going to congratulate you, but you were in it. You were barely in it. It said school. You know what? It said school. It showed a chick. It showed a chick. Chick and Tim Meadows. It's the chick show, bro. That's the main trailer. Don't ever. Main trailer. Main trailer. Don't say the main trailer. That's the main trailer. You're the third lead. Main trailer. You're the third lead. No, I'm not. You're third straight. I'm number two on the call sheet. Number three. Get out of my seat. Hot girl, Tim Meadows. Brian Kallick. Take your 195-pound red. Hot girl. 197 and a half. Real quick. I've been hitting. Hot girl. We all know. Hot girl. Check. Check. Tim Meadows. Definitely no checks on that live. Uh-uh. Ladies, man. Uh-uh. Brian Kallin. Brian Kallin. Third. Makeup on. Hey, when you go do pictures for that, when you go do pictures for press, you know when you're on the step and repeat? Yeah. They go, Tim Meadows! Tim Meadows! and a girl they go whatever her name is AJ AJ AJ AJ and they go this way this way right this way right this way get out of the shot get out of the shot let's go hey Tim Meadows come back did they let background do these wow all the extras on there now because you're late I simply can't I'm going to have to ask you I see you're posturing you're posturing but you're bringing me in Sit down. You look good. You look real good. Did I say Santino's a big kid? Look at his cockatiel in those things. Get over here. Shake my hand. Shake my hand. With a dick. God damn it. Sit down. Be tight. Take your fucking iPhone 10. 10. This is the X. Is that the X? Do you like it? They gave it to me, though. They gave it to me. Oh, come on, Andrew. They gave it to me. I don't know. Is that true? They gave it. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I got friends in high places. Oh, my God. this outfit is so nice. Well, my people should see this. Paul, stay standing up real quick. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. There you go. I wear this outfit every single day. Look who showed up. Look at the rump rump on this band. Wow. Thanks for coming, Bri. Thanks for having me. No, this is my podcast. No, it's my podcast. No. And don't. And by the way, I want to say this about Santino. It's the fighter and the slugger. He just invited himself on. I get a text that goes, hey, dude, I'll see you December 5. Yep. Oh, I love it. Because we were on here. I was talking about how funny you are and how you launched a new podcast. It's talking about your logo on here. No big deal. We talked about it. I said, we got to get you on. Thank you. Well, you're welcome for probably boosting your numbers immediately. Thank you so much for letting me come, Shob. And thank you so much for coming to my podcast with Shob. No. You're late. It's a new podcast, bro. Let's talk about this, though. Yeah. Yeah, I asked you to come back on. I said, I'm going to come back on. You know why? Yeah. Because all of the fans, and you guys' fans are the shit. Yeah. I love all your fans. Yeah. and they say, oh, you know, Dulea, guest of the year. Theo. Theo, guest of the year, that whole thing. I've only done this one time, and my one time was better than all of the times those guys have done. They did love you. That's a fact. They did love you. And I'm going to say this. Let me tell you something. I've heard Theo. Hey, man. I've heard him. I've heard him a lot. Done. Done. Now, hold on. Done. Hold on, bro. Oh, man, my dad lives in a sewer. Done. No, no, that's not a good thing. Yeah, man, he used to eat rat tails. Done. Okay, don't. Done. Done I'm done You know why? Why? Because my name wasn't in the conversation at all And then someone put something online that said What about Santino? And Theo came after me He did? Yeah He's very protective of this I never said I wanted the belt But I'll say this But now that he's running after me Come on, let's go Brendan can attest to this Our fans are unforgiving And have They basically like very few I told Brian Now listen We have different guests Listen, we've been doing podcasts for just prior 800 episodes. Even though it only says whatever 400. We've probably been podcasting for a long ass time, right? We've had our ups and downs. The last few weeks, we've had some tough guests. And here's what I tell Brian. But we like our guests. It's just that the fans have a specific. But the thing is, you like them. Who are the guests that the fans shit on? They didn't shit on anybody. The point is that our fans are very particular about who they really like. Here's what I say. Here's what I say. If you're not good on this show, same as if you go on a lot of other shows, but for a reason we have this loyal fan base. Yep. If you're bad on here, it's going to hurt you more than it's going to help you. Definitely. Don't be bad. No one's buying tickets to your show. No one's following your podcast. So how have you stuck around this show for so long? No, that's... No, no, no, no, it's not. It's not. It's not. Don't do that. We're roasting up in here. That's him. That wasn't that big of a bird, dude. Oh, dude, it was a big burn. It was a big burn. I thought Roasty. It's Roasty in here. That's so amazing. By the way, I get so many messages from your fans that go, dude, you and Shob together. What a killer combination. I see it nonstop. They go, dude, you guys are so good. And they go, Shob is fucking, he's so personable and lovable and cool and good looking. And you're so funny and sweet and awesome and smart. And then Brian also is sometimes around and it's part of the show. And what a cool trio. One guy just sent me a meme over this plane going, this is Brian in every podcast. No. I don't like that. And don't shoot this guy with fake guns. It really makes me angry. Oh, God. Does that make you mad? Yes, man. You look really good. Thank you, buddy. Hey, man, all that money and they still gave you Reeboks? By the way, my psoriasis is gone. Look at that shit. Who's that? Let me see. Thank you, Dan Garner, 88 at Gmail. You had psoriasis? Dude, I work with this guy, Dan Garner. Help me with that. I had to bring it up. Sorry. But he brought it up. But he changed my life. I have psoriasis. Tell what you did. Of the liver. No, he helped me out. Changed my gut biome. How do you get psoriasis? It's stress, but also there's an imbalance in your gut. What they're finding is a lot of autoimmune diseases, lupus, all kinds of stuff. Rheumatoid arthritis might be an imbalance in your gut. And here's the other thing. He's old, Andrew. When you get older, how many medications are you on? I'm not on any. So every day you take, what, seven or eight pills? No. How many pills do you think you take in there? Just to get rolling in the morning. No, I take. Tell me about the stupid stretches you do before you get out. I do my yoga. I do my yoga which is why my energy on a forced march you both you both are straggling you know that on what? what? hold on hold on let's be honest I run 6 or 7 miles every single day I know bro let's get out there bro listen see him on the streets bro dude listen see me the only thing about me that you need to know and I get it and I give you both a great structure no no you're talking to him this energy is this way no no I'm giving it to you too because I'm going to tell you why you're giving it to me too that's the only reason why be careful I'm going to be careful I'll fuck up your crooked teeth just listen You guys are big and strong and God bless your sports and all that stuff. Yeah. Now listen. Cool. Good guys. Now listen. Hold on. I got two things going on and it's not a big deal. What is it? Not your hairline. Hold on. I'm cold in my mind. I can shut my mind off and I know what to think about what not to think about. I can compartmentalize like nobody's business. That's OK. That's OK. You guys are young. Now hold on. And here's the other thing. Strong mind you're saying. You have a strong mind? Well, I mean, if I got to shut it off and then turn another part of the brain on, then that's what happens. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because why? Why? Brian, why? Why? Well, I've been getting ready for that moment my whole life. Your whole life. Okay. Now, that's okay. Had more practice. Been in the ring longer than you guys in life. Longer ring. You've been in the ring a long, long time. Hold on. You've been in the back when it was twine. No, no, no. Yeah. Longer than any of us. Back when it was just like handmade rope. That's when you've been in the ring. I'll give him that. Yeah, for sure. When they're fighting basically oven mitts. Oven mitts on the floor. There wasn't any canvas. And by ring, you mean the crowd, like it was the Donnybrook before? And there was just a bunch of chickens just walking around. Before plastics came along and refrigeration. Before refrigeration and plastics. Now listen to me. The other thing, my body's built for one thing, and it's not a big deal. So I'll give you the mind control. Check. My body's built to bear down. and when I got to bear down I'm bearing down but give us an example you guys have so much to move around and you're so good and you're at the front of the pack but when it comes down to actually the long march when the fight goes into round 15 and 16 and that happens in life it's very old school but it happens in life sometimes when the cartel captures our bus and says you guys are going to be, we haven't slept, we haven't eaten, we haven't had any water, and now they give us hammers, and they go, you guys are going to fight it out, and the winner joins the cartel? You think you're going to beat us with hammers? The thing is, you guys- I don't give a fuck what round it is, Dad. It ain't happening. Call me Dad. Hey! Hey! What the fuck was that? Papa, Papa, Papa, please. Papa, Papa, Papa, please. Don't call me. Papa, please. Call me Dad? Papa, Papa, don't. Papa, no. Papa, your heart. Papa, your ticker. Don't do this, Papa. You know what happens when your ticker gets all jippity-jumpity. Papa, please. Jippity-jumpity. Papa, please. No. Papa, last time we had to take you to the hospital, and you were there for weeks and weeks because of your ticker. Look at the floor, boy. I got to take you out with this hammer. Look at the floor. Papa. Look at the floor. You're going to sleep now. Let's put it this way. Let's say we all jump into the ocean, B. Let's say we all jump in that freezing cold ocean. There you go. There you go. Seal style. There you go. What do you think comes out alive? The water breaks me down. I knew that was his weakness I knew it At the end of the day I need my sleep Cold and water? The cold turns me into a coward So you're fucked during any kind of war scenario Outside I'm not good with the cold World War 3 comes along Although when I was in the Missouri Brakes I was hunting and my feet went numb and I couldn't walk I uh Yeah no the cold will break anybody down You I feel like you can kind of conserve heat for a while. You're probably built for the... Did you hear what he just said? Do you know what that just was? That was a shot. Conserve heat is like a fat... That's a fat joke thing. Oh, wow. That's a fat joke thing. You think because I'm thick? I'm just saying. Is that a thick joke thing? Your kidneys are always warmer than mine. That's all I'm saying. That's a consumption of fat thing. That's what that is. That is. That's a fucking... Yeah, that's a dig, bro. There's a subcutaneous layer, that's all. In the water... Well, I'll say this. If we all die, you'd be the last person we'd eat. That's right, you skinny fucking bitch. dude. Look at how garbage this meat would be. Garbage meat. Horrible. No, because it's been barren down. You're those dry rubbed ribs. That's what your body is. My body's made for fucking, it's made to get to crunch down and fucking take the onslaught. You're an Outback Steakhouse steak. That's what this would be. Real shit meat. Andrew, stay down. Andrew, control your breathing. Breathe with me. Come on, it's okay. We are gonna die, but don't worry. Hey, Jim, what's the worst, like, cheapest food at the North Korean barbecue? Just Korean barbecue. What's the cheapest North Korean barbecue they've got. Wow. Wow. I apologize, guys. Even Chin did a spit take. Yeah, I got nervous about it. I was like, uh-oh. We'll figure it out. What's the worst, cheapest, shittiest food you need? Well, the cheapest one is called chador, but it's actually delicious. What's it called? Chador. That is you, though. You're chador. You are delicious, but you are cheap and gross. If we all die, you're chador. No, you've got to spice me up a lot. You're cheap and gross, but you're delicious. You've got to beat my meat against a rock because you've got to beat it against a rock. Can you imagine Brian dies? you've got his arms, I have his legs and we're just beating his body against a rock to break down his knee. You know what's weird? Yeah, I can. That would work. So I can imagine. Break down all your little fragile bones because, you know, those are old bones. Don't say fragile. There's no calcium left. No, there isn't. No way. I bet you if I kicked your leg right now, I'd break it. I swear to God I would break it. Because I'd check it. No, you wouldn't. Even when you check, I'd break on the check. No, watch. You'd kick it and you'd hear this. I'd do that. I think you'd hear this. B-I-D, you'd hear this. Nope. I go and you go, oh, my foot Top of my foot Because those bones against my shin that has no feeling left I got no feeling left everywhere I'm dead, dude Guess who started a podcast Yeah, I know I hate to be shitty here, Andrew Did you give him the okay to start a podcast? I didn't either It's weird Because I could have swore We run this town And by town I mean podcast And if we want to turn people against your podcast. All I got to do is float a couple rumors. Here's the button right here. Is that the button? Yeah. Let me tell you a couple reasons why you shouldn't push that button. Hold on. All right. I'm going to listen. First of all, always been a fan and a friend of you, Shab. You know that. Say no more. Well, don't give up that easily. I'm good at negotiating. Second of all, I'll pay the piper. You've always been kind to me. I'll pay the piper. I know you run the block. I'll come give you a little how you do ya yeah how you do ya I like that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and maybe wet our beak a little bit shh shh shh shh you don't need to talk talk talk no no I know come on let the wind blow hold on let me I know whose town this is I know who runs the shit okay hold on for a second I'm not ignorant I'm arrogant but I'm not ignorant hey shop take your finger off the button I just did man alright we're back it's good to be in business with you baby yeah we're back baby I can't fucking talk you into anything I know man I know I'm not getting anything. I'm a salesman. Hey, I'll sell you something. What's your least favorite food on earth? I mean, for me, I can't stand tongue. Beef tongue? Beef tongue is disgusting. I hate olives. I could never eat it. Olives? I'm going to pitch both of you at the exact same time, because I've been selling beef tongue and olives for about 26 years now. What? Wow From town to town selling olives and beef You a purveyor of olives and tongue Well sometimes I do stuffed olives with tongue beef tongue We do stuffed olives There no way I can eat that dude That sounds terrible dude Let me tell you why Why is it delicious? We marinate it for four and a half hours in virgin puss juice. Juices? Yeah, virgin puss juice. Oh, okay. Jesus. Wow. Delicious. It's good for your health. It's good for your eyes. Yeah. Regrows your bones and your body. You can. It's incredible. Yeah, we've been testing it for about six or seven months now. Everybody we've tested. Does it put muscle on you? He probably not. Absolutely does. You know Chris D'Elia? You know who that guy is? Sure. A comedian. Short black guy? Short black guy? No, no, no. Bust a version of me. Yeah. But with real muscles, like real honest man muscles. And like hilarious? He never used to look like that. Oh, wow. Nope. It's from your beef tongue olives? It's from our beef tongue olives. Your stuffed olives. Our beef tongue olives. Double beef tongue olives. Why are you pushing? Well, it's from female beef, beef juice, beef olive, beef beef, beef tongue, tongue beef, pound beef olives. Oh, so it's cow cunt. They're called beefy cunt cow tongue olives. We sell them in most Korean markets. I was just going to say. It's olive stuffed with cow cunt. It's olive stuffed with cow cunt, and that would be... Cow tongue cunt. Cow tongue cunt. In Korean, what do we call it? Cow tongue cunt. Cow tongue cunt. I'm kind of in. Can I tell you a whole jar of this thing? Five bucks. You got so much money. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Five bucks. So I just think give it a whirl. What do you think? You want to buy them today? How many jars? Two or three? Let me start you with ten, and we'll go from there. All right. How does it sound? All right. Sold. Did you see what just happened? Did you ever sell anything like that growing up? Any side gigs? This is insane. When I was in high school, my senior year, I got a job at a telemarketing. I found an ad in the paper. Come in, $20 an hour when I was in high school. Great money. Great money. All I had to do was make cold calls and sell window washing, power washing, air duct cleaning. That's a tough gig, though. Oh, not for old ginger. Best liar in the game. Really? I would beat out adults who needed that money to feed their families. I got a bonus every single fucking month. When I went away to college, those guys were so mad, they gave me $1,000 to be like, hey, congrats, you helped us out so much. Jesus Christ. Damn. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Ready? Yeah. Hello. Hey, how are you doing, Mr. Callen? How are you today? Who is this? Oh, sorry about that. My name is Andrew. I'm working for this company. We're actually doing your neighbor's house right now. Well, we just need access to his house or your yard. Do you mind? Mr. Johnson, your next door neighbor, who you know very well. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he spoke very highly of you, by the way. He actually said that new car that you just got is he's a little jealous that and your wife. But so we need access to his house through your yard. Yeah, that's absolutely fine. We're doing his air ducts because good God, you wouldn't believe the amount of dust and pollen that's getting stuck in these air ducts these days. I mean, we're doing his for super cheap because he's a friend of ours. And we'll be there for about, you know, I don't know, half a day on Tuesday. Should we just bounce over to your you know what? Have you had your air ducts cleaned recently or no? I've never had my you've never had him cleaned ever. Oh, my God. And a good looking guy like you with a beautiful wife like you've got him. And you guys want to live for a long time. You want to be making love for years and years to come, because I can tell a young, strapping, beautiful man like you, we need people like you on this earth to procreate. So let me tell you something. I'm going to run over to your house. I'm going to clean your air ducts at half the cost. Half the cost of what I was going to charge. Wow. Yeah, only because you know Mr. Johnson. And he's just such a good dude, and he's said a lot of good things about you. So half the cost will be over at noon on Tuesday. We'll be done then. Does that sound good? Great. I'm going to put in the work order right now. Okay. All right. Have a good day, Mr. Callen. Bye-bye. Wow. Dude, you have a fucking good. Dude, I got clean air ducts, and I'm going to fuck my wife. And you're going to fuck. I'm going to fucking clean air. I would do that. I was 17 years old, and I would do that, and I would sell. You're fucking good at it, man. I remember to this day, I sold $7,000 worth of air duct cleaning, power washing, and window washing. $7,000 for my best day. I'm the way with your words, sir. Holy shit, man. Now, I sold supplements door-to-door, like Pursuit of Happiness. Didn't go as well. That's so hard when they see you. Your face is hard. It's easier to... And this is back in the day when people had house phones anyway. Yeah. You can't sucker people on cell phones anymore. They're trying, though. House phones is kind of like, hey, what are you doing? And it's usually a guy on his couch watching TV in Chicago. And he's like, dude, I don't have time for this. And you're like, no, that's fine. I just need you to say yes to be on your property. What are you doing on my property? No, no, no, I'm on your neighbor's property. If we're accessing the back, we don't want you to be disturbed. If you have animals, we just want to make sure that we're not bothering you or your family. And they go, what are you doing? What's he doing? Oh, he's just getting his windows washed. I mean, he hasn't had, why, why, why? Well, actually, there can be slight cracks in chips that come in the winter because of the different wind chills. So we're going to clean his windows because actually the debris causes more damage to them than you have to get all new windows, and that's thousands of dollars. Anyway, I'm going to let you go. That's so good. Dude, you're so good at it. I sold Time Life books over the phone for a summer. That didn't go as well. No. Sell me. You get a list of things. Nightmare. Sell me a book, Brian. I would basically go, how are you? Is this Mr. Santino? Yeah, it's me. Mr. Santino, Time Life books here. What is it? I don't know if you're interested in cooking, but we have an amazing special on 10 books. I already hung up. I'm out. I hung up. Try selling supplements. I would drive. Your first pitch was, I don't know if you're interested in cooking. I don't know if you're interested in cooking. Hanging up right then. Yeah, definitely not. I don't even wait to half a deal. I can't. Out. Nope. I can't remember. Are you a man with food who likes it? Click. Do you like living? Nope. My manager was so good, he'd go like this. He'd go, how are you this evening? Yeah? Can I ask you a question? And he'd go, write it up. And he'd already sold it. Wow. And he hit it every time. Dude, I would go door-to-door to gyms, right? In houses. I'd go into gyms, like shitty gyms with, like, soccer moms. And I'd get with the manager. I'd have, like, a whole briefcase full of supplements. And I'd say, see that lady over there? One percent better is going to make her a better boxer. One percent. You take this, she's one percent better. And he'd be like, I sold nothing. Nothing. Dude, she's a soccer mom. She does not give a fuck about your 1%. She needs to learn how to fight. They don't give a fuck. And I'd name off all these fighters or NFL guys who used it. He's like, dude, these kids are like 13. I'm like, I get that. But if Deion Sanders took this, wouldn't it help this kid? Get the fuck out of here. There was a guy at Henson Gracie's school back in the day who was selling. He was a bodybuilder, but he was selling supplements like minerals and stuff. You mean steroids? And I remember him saying something like, you know, I'm trying to get Henson to take some of these minerals because these things will make you 40% better. Now, think about how great Henson is. Can you imagine him 40% better? That's not possible. I remember looking at him and going, how can I compete with that? See, I went in as a former professional athlete going 1% better. You're not getting any money from anyone. 40%. You got to say 40%. You know, you got to say 100%. You said I used to be. You're still a professional athlete. you don't think that? Oh, you know these statistics? You don't think that it stays with you? You don't think you're always a professional athlete once you were? Yeah. I mean, I'm not competing. I'm not in that race anymore. But to get to that pinnacle level, you are forever a professional athlete. I guess. I guess I use so much into what I do now with comedy and podcasting. No, but you will always be a professional athlete. To get there is impossible. What you did is impossible. Yeah. It's impossible. On paper, it's impossible. Interesting. Think about that. I think so. I never thought about it. the extremely minute population of professional fighters yeah right yeah compared to the seven and a half billion people you were one that was known successful and then when you're done doesn't mean you're that doesn't discount what you did well i said this to him the other day you're always going to be a professional athlete so here's what i said to him the other day so we were talking about how there you know sometimes he's been doing stand-up for not that long yeah sometimes people go well you know you you kind of jumped the line a little bit because you're friends with all these people and stuff you get oh you mean life yeah you mean how i said i said to him i said he's he goes i know that and i said hold on i said well you're you you when you say you jumped the line because your friends are rogan and myself and everybody else who've been doing stand-up for 15 20 years okay but i and i know your road to get here was really easy because you played football and then you you became a professional fighter and went through the the ultimate fighter and got punched in the face by monsters and won and lost that that eight years say what you will what that eight years was was not only experience you're drawing from and talking about on stage but that was a motherfucker talk about paying your dues yeah and and what happened was you came in with people like me and rogan and we knew who you were and we loved you and we loved you for what you were able to do and oh by the way the biggest thing was you were funny you were making us laugh when you telling stories so it if if anybody wants to take that route if you if you call that jump in the line go ahead if you want to take the route of becoming a professional fighter you know that that's the thing that people don't realize it's like it is it's a it's like the reason brian brings it i appreciate it be the reason i brought it up is because we i was at the commissar we're in a circle and this uh girl we all know she goes we're talking about something you can say her name no we were i can't say her name as soon as you're done telling the story okay thank you and so we're we're talking about something open. We're talking about venues. And I was talking about one that was terrible. And we're talking about open mics. And I said, I've done a few, but you know, my first open mic was the life. I and the kid, 1400 people, whatever. And she goes, yeah, but you know, you had a shortcut in comedy. Everyone, everybody knows that. And I think most people thought I would defend it, but I went, no, you're a hundred percent. Correct. A hundred percent. Correct. The reason I sell tickets because the podcast, we just sell tickets because, you know, Rogan, Brian, that's that, that drives me crazy when people say it though, because, But also when, yeah. It drives me crazy only because the shortcut was us doing Fighter Than a Kid and figuring out ways to bring it on the road. Because we did 600 episodes. Well, why do people play that game? Why do people play that game where they go, the only reason that you is because of X, Y, Z. By the way, that's a flawed argument because I hear that all the time. I know. People use that in every other instance. It's not just this. Everything. It's like saying when some bozo goes, well, the only reason she's fucking him is because he's rich. It's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's attractive. Correct. What was the perfect scenario for you to be happy about how these people... Bang the broke guy who you have to go Dutch with at Denny's. Yeah, can you split this? Yeah. It's $8.99. I will say that, I will say, and I don't mean this to be shitty, I will say that I truly believe that the reason you are working a lot... You're talking to Andrew or me? Because you have red hair. I mean, I want to say that. See, that's... I hate to say it, but let's be honest. That's the only... They got to check boxes. I'm not saying you're not talented. No, they got to check boxes, though. I don't think you'd be working or be... I don't think you'd be doing a lot of stand-up. Don't get mad, bro. Dude, take it easy. Brian! Dude, take it easy. Don't get mad, bro. Dude, I'm talented. I'm smart. I'm hardworking. I'm on every single night of my fucking life. You think it's the fucking red hair? I'll shave this fucking red hair off and I'll still get more work than you. No, don't. Brian, don't you even start with me right now, okay? Just because you're on a spin-off of the Goldbergs on School and it's going to do very well, which I'm proud of you for and I would never down you for that. Don't take away my ability, my hard work, my ethic. I have nothing in this business. I came here with no money. I have no family. I'm not Jewish. I made it alone. I made it alone, Bri. Okay, I know that. Don't you dare. Dude, you're turning the key on the red Ferrari. You want to fucking rev me out? Because I will burn out all over this fucking place. I misspoke. I misspoke. Fire him up, bro. Fire him up, man. You know better because I've earned this. No, I know you've earned it. Did you earn your position in this game? I did with regular hair. Here's the thing. No, no, no, no, no. Take it easy. No, no, no. Don't get mad. Andrew, Andrew. Regular hair. No, I'm just saying. With regular hair. Well, Red, everybody knows that a ginger has, I see you right away. You do pop. Yeah, I pop. Yeah. And I stand out. Okay. And guess what? I have to deliver harder. When they see your normal looking hair ass on stage, they just go, this is just a normal goofy looking fucking white guy. Don't say goofy. I'm not goofy. Well, you are goofy looking. No. There's no doubt. Who says goofy? Those ears have been bowing out a little bit as we've gotten older. Like doors, like car doors that are open. No doubt. Yeah, they've been bowing out a little bit more. Like DeLoreans. Don't say bowing out. I think you should pin them back. You should tie floss from one side to the other and pull them back at night. No, that is a procedure you can do. Yeah, you should. Let's say, for whatever reason, let's say Finn was born with huge ears. Well, he is. The sun never hits his face. Okay. Well, I'm glad you said that. The kid can find his way with echolocation. Let's say his son looks like Dumbo. Let's say his son looks like Dumbo. He can find his way with echolocation. You know they can't. They snip it and clip it and pull it back. Really? It looks normal. So kids don't get bullied anymore. So they see you on stage. You can also dye kids hair. You could dye your hair. But they see you on stage and they go, let's see what this fucking regular Joe Schmo has to do. You come up there with some of your jokes, whatever. No, no. Some of them are good. I watched actually a couple nights ago and I thought, wow, that's better than it used to be. And you sling your jokes and they go, good. Yeah, I'm glad he was good. But he's normal. I get up there and they go, pfft. What is this guy going to do? Oh, is this a red-headed guy? and then i fucking murder and they go wow yeah wow he overcame something do you have any redhead jokes not really no you never bring attention to the fact no you know why bur bur bur said something to me years and years ago about it i think he had they say don't do redhead he inadvertently said don't do redhead his stuff how much italian i think he was like why i think i had asked him or something it's almost too on the nose huh i was just insecure as fuck when i had first like even talk to him and i was like whatever and then and then i think i had said i gotta i can't i don't want to do that i did like maybe a redhead a joke and then he was like you why well you don't need to why does why do you care it was something along those lines i don't remember the exact but it made me think about because he doesn't do it so i was like oh he doesn't do it ever ever ever what what are you are you what are you italian and irish half half italian and irish siciliano me too but see the difference is i look i look irish yeah and i've got the body and the cock of an Italian. Okay, I don't know. And you look like a little tiny Swedish boy. No, I don't. You look like a little Swedish boy. In this outfit, maybe. Little tiny Swedish boy. They're not tiny. I'm a Brian McAlan. Yeah, they're tiny little people. That's a fucking Irish guy. I'm a Brian McAlan. That's an Irish guy. No, and I... It's a terrible Swedish accent. This is an Irish guy. This is clearly Irish man. Well, dude. Yes, that's Irish. That's Jamaican. No, this is an Irish guy. That's so Jamaican, dude. This is Irish. Okay. Welcome to Ireland. No, that's... No. Just kidding. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Welcome to the island of Ireland, man. No, that's... Ireland. Come over, get some fish and chips and fruit and salad. No, see, that's... Falafel. This is Ireland. No, that sounds so... Falafel, fish and chips, fruit, salad, couscous on the island of Ireland. No, that sounds so Jamaican. It's not even close to Jamaican. Ireland, Ireland, Ireland. Here we go. There's a Jamaican accent. You want a Jamaican? Hey, I'm Jamaican. I'm a big black Jamaican guy. Everyone knows I'm Jamaican. That's Jamaican. That's super Australian, dude. You are so bad with dialects. You don't know. I don't. I already. I studied in college, dude. I did dialectical research. That was one of my focuses. What was your major in college? Journalism and English. Journalism, major, English, focus. And I had a dialectic subset. I did two and a half years of learning dialects around the world. Okay, but. Name a place and I can do it. Maori. Maori. You want Maori? Yeah. Okay. Welcome to this neighborhood. That's spot on. And you didn't understand the language because I was also doing some. That's it. Give him another one. Give him another one. Give him another one. Okay, okay. Russian. Yeah, let's see. Russian. Russian is probably one of my favorites, to be honest with you. Russian is easy. Russian goes, you want to eat a little fish with us, or do you want to go on your separate ways? because dinner is meat. Okay, now I have to say, I'm sorry, now look, I don't take this the wrong way, but that does sound a little bit French. Well, you're going, Do you want me to kick out of here? Do you want me to kick out of here? Give me some more, B. Okay, take it easy. Take it easy. Can I hear, and don't make it, don't make it, can I hear Japanese? Easy. Japanese is probably one of my favorite ones to do. I have to get prepped for it. Ready? Yeah, get your mind right. Hey, puppy. You know how to do this with me. I want to dance on your lap. Maybe shake my pussy, pussy, pussy. Okay, bro, I have to stop you. Because it's so good? Did you just get transformed like you were back in Tokyo, Japan? It sounds so fucking Spanish. Dude, that sounds very good. Honestly, you guys are so wrong. Maybe I am. I'm telling you you're wrong. I went to a fucking school for dialectical research. Maybe we're off. Did you go to college? I did go to college. Sure did. What college? Went to American University. In D.C.? In D.C., yeah. That's a really good school. I know it is. What did you do? What was your major? History. Economics. History? And then it was history. Economics and history. Well, it was economics and I switched over to history. When was the War of 1812? That's a good question. In the 1800s sometimes. That is a good school. Thank you. Where did you go, Shab? Thank you. University of Colorado. Boulder. Don't ask him anything. Great school. You know what? Hooked up with a girl there. Left a watch there. Hooked up with a two. when I was in college. It's hard to find in Boulder. Dude, had myself a nice, delicious, big piece of two. Were you on the hill? Heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy. Big fat girl on the hill. I don't know how I found her. I mean, she wasn't hard to find. Hooked up with her, left my watch there. Nice watch. Fossil. Poor kid, bad watch. Never had nice stuff. Fossil, yeah. You didn't grow up with money. No money. Had no money. I made all my own money. Wow. Left a watch there. That's why you're such a good guy. And I needed it. That's how bad. Went over to the two's house the next day. Embarrassed. What did you have to do? Watch Walk of Shame. I had to kiss her again and do all that stuff. But you were glad to get your watch back. I needed that fucking watch. Now look at you. This is a way better watch. If I left this watch over there today, like if I left this nice watch, leave it. Do you think about money? Because I got money now. Do you think about money? Do I think about it? Do you think what part of your brain? None. I don't think about it. You don't? Because you've had no money, so you're not afraid of not having money. Yeah, it's fine. Because some people are afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid because I know that I'm going to keep climbing in this business. and keep working hard to do well. Because if I don't, and if it fails, okay, I'll just go back home and just go do some bullshit. But I know it won't happen. Because you know why? Why? Too good. Too good. Okay, man. Don't be... What are you doing? I agree with him there. What are you doing? What are you doing, dude? Can you give us money? What is that? What are those, 20s? It's a bunch of hundreds. Oh, wow. Okay, dude. But you know what's so funny? You're so off-putting, man. I have a ton of them. Hey, dude. I have a ton of them. So just for fun. You collect them? I don't know. You know, I have, I got them. And then sometimes I'll go around town. Give them away? No, I'll bury them. Just as like a gift for someone to maybe find. That's cool, man. Yeah. It's like a charity thing. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Sometimes I'll drive, I'll drive in my super fast car and I'll drive by like a skid road downtown and I'll stop and I'll go, uh, do you, who wants one of these? You know, a hundred dollar bill. Yeah. They'll freak out. You know, yeah, yeah. And I eat it and I flick them off and I get the fuck out of it. That's so mean. Why? That's what they get. You're rubbing in their face. Sometimes I wipe my ass with hundreds, and I put in a Ziploc, like a bag of poo hundreds, and then I go to old homeless people, like sad, cold, some soup, you know? And I smack them in the fucking face with a poo hundred. And that's it? And I take it back. You take it back? I wipe my poo on them, and I go, you know what? I want it. Yeah, and I keep the cash. And you actually, I like this. So your hepatitis, you get hepatitis for Christmas, and you... And I get my hundred back. I go oh this has poop on it and I wipe it on their shirt That's so fucking mean Why do you do that? Dude because I can Oh god damn it man No I don't think about money But I'm very lucky I didn't have any money I didn't have any money You grew up Middle class It gives you an edge I'm normal Did you grow up rich? If by that you mean I can just ask my dad for anything By that do you mean he flew private as a child Yes really? well I'm not a stranger to private isn't that a weird dichotomy it's what made Brian who Brian is a lot of guys are just complete assholes when their dads are that rich but I saw a picture I went to Brian's dad's house there's a picture of Brian and his sister young as fuck on a private jet don't parentage champagne like this when you're how old? on the corporate jet like 10? I was 14 old enough to know better and old enough to enjoy it and old enough to give everybody who flies commercially the finger old enough wow people yeah daddy gave me some cash the point is i didn't what did daddy do i didn't grow up with crazy money but i grew up with money i never had to worry that's a big thing i never had to see the world was very safe for me i never had to worry about where my dollar came from which is why i was a fuck up for a long time yeah then you finally got it together kind of well kind of but when you don't have to worry when you know at the end of the day you have a net that at the end of the day no matter what happens i can always go daddy i need money what and and So when I was in theater school in New York, my dad paid my rent. You went to school for acting? Yeah, I did. But how come you're so bad? What do you think it is? Because the history and the economics thing I get. Andrew? If I have $10 and someone takes two, how many do I have left? Eight. Okay, great econ and great history. We learned both of these things out of you. But the acting thing is so bad. No, dude, you are so, so bad. Stop laughing at that. I don't think I've ever seen one thing that you've done. Give me a scenario and a scene. I thought this would be a heartfelt story. Give me a fucking line. Give me a fucking line and give me a scenario and I'll blow your mind. I made him an offer he can't refuse. All right. Go ahead. I made him an offer he can't refuse. B minus. Fuck you, man. B minus, dude. Do you want to see how to really do it? Yeah, please. Okay. How'd you get him? Now, I'll give you the line to feed in. How'd you get him to agree? Now, hold on. Let's start again. See, this is what I'm talking about. Amateur. An actor prepares, dude. You give us action. Go ahead. Action. How'd you get him to agree? I made him an offer he couldn't refuse. End scene. Dude, that's... I'm going to take off. Where are you going? Andrew, hold on. I have to stay. I have to stay. I have to stay. I have to stay. Okay, here's the next line. But did you see the difference? Did you see the difference Yeah I emoted more I turned I did there was body movements in there you were saying when you were in acting class though if it didn work out you were just going to be like fuck it go back to Papa I had a, no. I mean, no. My ego was too big. What saved me was the fact that I just liked being good at things and I didn't want to be the dork. I wanted to be the cool kid. Were you always the cool kid? I'm type A personality. I'm not going to not be successful at something if I'm going to go for it. Okay. That's why my boxing, my dancing, my fucking, my acting, everything's so good. Sure, whatever. But here's the thing. You're good at two of those things. Don't. Dancing. Yeah, I can dance. Boxing. Don't say boxing. No, not boxing or acting. What was the other one? Oh, fucking. You can dance and fuck. From what I hear. No, I know it. All right. I pounded this guy. Oh, God. Dude, for your fans, by the way, I'll take back all the money jokes that I made because that's disgusting. That's not who I am. Okay? I want them to know that. That's not who I am. This is a joke. But what's not a joke is I fuck Brian Callen. I have had sex with Brian Callen. I want the world to know. Oh, man, dude. Top, top, top. No, no. Bottom, bottom, bottom. Top and the bottom and the top and the bottom. And the guy who films it. Don't stay out of this. God damn it. Yes, you do. Yeah, there goes our whole fucking secret. So what? So what? They got to know. Ah, you're right. Let's say this. Brian Callum's my boyfriend. Do you have any aspirations to act, act? Do you want to act, act? I have an audition tomorrow with John Cena. But I mean, do you want to act, act serious or do you want cool shit? Cool shit. See, that's, okay, big difference. I was on set for a David Ayer's movie, and just being on that set for four or five days, I was like, ooh. You want fun, cool shit. Like real deep, dramatic pull-out stuff. You don't want any of that stuff. That's too shitty. He likes comedy, dude. Not for this. Yeah, no, but you don't only want to do comedy. I do now. Because you're bad at drama? No. No. I've seen some of your stuff. I'm not. I feel like most comics want to do serious roles. Like, you ask D'Elia, he wants to do a serious role. Everybody does. D'Elia and I just talked about it. He wants to do... He seriously... Superhero roles. He wants to do action shit. Only action shit. That's right. He's trying to get big. He's trying to get big, big and do action stuff. It's not going to happen for him. Why? Why do you think he's not heroic and he's not an action figure? Oh, I bet it does. His legs are too skinny. Too skinny. You want to do serious roles too? No, dude. Doing the Showtime show for two years was enough for me. I want to do comedy for a long time now. So here's just real quick the caveat. I want to do like an ABC, like a spinoff of the Goldbergs. You know, like imagine if they got a cute girl to do a spinoff of the Goldbergs. So she's the lead? Yeah, she's the obvious lead. And then the superintendent would be like... I'm going to get you a part. Tim Meadows. I'm going to get you a part. From Saturday Night Live? Someone hilarious who's got a really good wealth of old... For sure. You know, like one of those good shows. We're all familiar with them, yeah. Exactly. And then I would be kind of the hilarious comedic relief who's smart and good looking and dope. Sounds like a good show. Andrew... That would be a great show. I can get you a part on the show as a redhead. And here's the thing. The token? I can make a call at any time to ABC. and get a job and have someone removed from a job. But I won't do that. That isn't. Why would I be that kind of guy? Do I have an old relationship with a mouse? I do. You bet your ass I do. Okay? But would I ring a ding a doodle up the mouse and go, hey, you got to cut Callan? And because you know what they would say? What? Say no more. Gone. Say no more. You don't have that kind of power in Hollywood, dude. Oh, yes, I diddly do, bud. Yes, I do. All right, well, you don't think I can make a call right now and have you. I don't want you to threaten. Why are you threatening me? Because of the way you're looking at me right now. I'm not looking at you in any way. Look at Shob. You better look at fucking Shob right now. Fuck, man. God, you have power. I had an acting teacher. You ever been in an acting class with a teacher? I had an acting teacher where we would do a scene. He'd be doing a dramatic scene, and it's nerve-wracking, and you're trying to be good. I can't imagine. And you're trying to cry. And I had a teacher, and my teacher would go like this. He'd go, I don't... In the middle of your scene, you're trying to do your thing. And you're like, Dad, why don't you love me? I don't understand whatever it is, and it's already embarrassing. And you'd just hear him go, I don't believe you. In the back? Have you done acting classes No acting classes I've only done private one on one I never did a thing with other people You just did one on ones I only do training with one on one Did you not study? You're a good actor You never studied? College I did theater Barely I was too busy getting fucked up I was bad college was tough on me I had way too much fun I finally watched Dying Up Here I finally watched Dining Up on the plane. I was like, oh fuck. We're on planes now. I'm getting those checks. A lot of planes. It's so funny when you get the check and you know, oh, this is on planes. It's on a plane. I don't mind. It was good. Really, really good. It was cool. It was fun. It was way too much drama. Way too much drama. Was Jim Carrey on the set ever? Jim was there sometimes. Jim deals with it. Jim has so much on his plate. Really? Oh my God. Because of the Showtime show now? No, just because he's busy at whatever Jim wants to do. He paints a lot. Yeah, I know. He wants to paint. So like painting is a focus. It's like saying. But that's not a lot on your table. Yes, it is. It's like saying your podcast doesn't take up a lot of your time. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It does. Yeah, it does. It takes eight hours a day, actually. Because you have to think about. They'll paint eight hours a day. Oh, painting? It just takes up. Yeah, but no one's demanding him to do that. That's a leisure. He's demanding him to do it just like you're demanding yourself to do this. Yeah. I think he has. Interesting. My feeling. This isn't a hobby, though. No, but that's not a hobby to him either. No. He needs to do the art. My feeling is that he's busy. Is that why Shane is busy? I think that's one of the reasons he occupies his brain in different ways. He likes to focus on things. His brain has to keep busy. Otherwise he's going to fucking... Wouldn't all of us... We'll do more YouTube videos and ruin my appreciation. If I said to you right now, I'm going to give you $500 million. But you've got to get the fuck out of the business. You can't do anything ever again. Nothing on camera, no speaking, no nothing. Not happening. Yeah, no. You know why? Because you'd be like, I have this money and it's so boring. I'd be miserable. I'm so fucking bored. I'd have nothing to do. Same thing. He has all that money. So without finding new focus, he'd be fucking miserable. That's a good point. Then you do kill yourself. Have you ever talked to him? Do you ever talk about why he doesn't act the way he does? Because he's so talented. Well, he has a new show, right? He's on a new show. Yeah, he's on it. Why he doesn't do like old Jim Carrey stuff? Well, he was so good. Like, I think in the grand pantheon of comedians and comedic actors, you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who was better. As dynamic as him. He's just, he was able to do everything. He's a force. I mean, I think the only person that had the ability that he did but never got to reach it was Farley. Probably. Farley was probably the only guy who probably could have had the biggest career in the world doing a film. But that was specific. Kerry could do every action, every character. Yes, he's right. Kerry only has one special. I think it's like 30 minutes long. You ever seen it? At the Comedy Store. Yeah. He never wanted to do it. And I've talked to him a bunch about that. What does he say? Stand up? No way. Wow. What do you mean? He said no way. I said not now or not ever. And he goes, not now. Of course not now. he's just not a fan no no he just doesn't have that in him right now i feel like he went through a crisis i feel like he almost went through a nervous breakdown well dude his his girlfriend killed herself they blamed him and they blame her family blamed him which isn't true which is even more fucked it's insane uh which was not true it was all dropped all that court shit was gone away and in the midst of that he was reinventing what he wanted to be to the public again because i think he had made some movies that maybe he wasn't that stoked about yeah you know what i mean he made some great ones though especially when he got serious oh dude you're you're you're you're talking to me i'm a massive i mean i told him to his face i'm like you're literally my hero you're literally my comedian the reason i do comedy is because of him is it but when and i said the same thing that adam sandin when i saw him i and i i don't feel like it's the way to go i feel like then they're like oh fuck no jim jim almost better keep it jim knows how to receive it because he knows that he was a hero to somebody to if you're a comic if it's just like a regular person on the street that's like you're the only reason i breathe he's like that's fucking weird but to a comic to be like dude you're the reason i do comedy he appreciates it he thinks it's beautiful because it's like wow that's fucking insane that's powerful empower another yeah person to like really try to hone their talent but yeah dude you guys know when you have fans that talk to you on the street i love when someone goes yo love your shit dude but whatever too yeah but when someone goes brian you're uh you're i love it dude i want to be all you all the time you're my guy yeah and you're like what they don't make sense and they're like nervous and they're like where are you going what in starbucks what do you get when you're there oh no yeah and then everything just starts to like you're like i just you got to go away yeah i don't know there's worship and like people are unhinged why i guess i ran down i'm saying i told him i was like dude you're the reason why I've always wanted to do stand-up comics. I'm like, I'm going to leave now. He's like, oh, cool, man. Appreciate it. But he was almost like, not that he didn't appreciate it, but he's almost like almost embarrassed. He's just like, oh, dang, man. He was like, I really appreciate it. I know, but he lives in L.A., right? I just think if you're that famous, I just wouldn't live in L.A. anymore. Dude, I saw him at Chili Cook-Off in Malibu. I'm not exaggerating. he was with his children for god's sake the guy's just trying to hang with his kids everybody bro it was it was crowds of assholes and kids just wanting to take pictures with yeah and they kept the right there with his kids and they were they were mobbing him and everybody can i get one can it was just like i i was like how would you even come to this thing how do you even deal with you see a special he was so nice i did see a special you want to talk about it sure it's unequivocally the best special i've seen in 10 years i can go i'll go on right you're being serious 100 i'll say that on record oh fantastic i don't think so yeah i i do i thought it was super original let me tell you why because all the special that i've seen of all the people that i'm friends with right like guys that i've seen like a segura's new special or joe's new special or guys that are homies with with me that i love them and i watch them work out those jokes it's amazing this was the first time in a long time that i saw someone having like a ton of fun something different and a lot of carelessness in a really sweet way that's why it just touched me it touched me dude it touched me in a way where i was like we're supposed to be having fun too yeah it's so much pressure and work and and there's all this like get a netflix special can you get an adventure who's your hour with are you doing that yeah this is happening so much now right now that everyone's getting are you on the thing what are you doing the thing and when are you doing the thing that that was such a weird breath of relief for me to be like i took the checker board and yeah he was like oh can't you guys just have fun but the way he shot it was fun too because it's from all these other fucking venues venues where it's cutting and it was so this is what i'm saying is it the funniest no i'm not saying it's the fun it didn't make me like die laughing harder than any other special i watched the whole thing though and me too but most even with our friends like i'll get 40 minutes in i'll be like i'll check my phone like well it's also hard because you've seen our friends material for sure but that it was like so different yeah like i was engaged the whole time musical well that's it it was that's it so so i will say this it's not the funniest special i've seen in 10 years what it was the most um fun refreshing just fun i'd say entertaining it was just fun he fucking talked about pissing in the same place that his kids bathe that's it was fun and careless the year song yeah that ufc shit was hilarious the i watched the first 20 minutes couldn't get through it that wasn't that so i watched 10 and stopped with my buddy eric we were watching it and i go nah and he goes no fucking way i literally revisited it a week later sat by myself in a hotel room watch it and i was like wow no this was what this was i watched it in my bobby boucher jersey in my underwear that's fucking dope thanks dude maybe i'll watch maybe i'll sit back in a second seriously try it again but here go into it like this this isn't a fucking seasoned veteran comedian yeah who's working out jokes and material to build to a beautiful hour of perfect rhythmic different than what this is a guy having fun telling you stories and jokes and songs that he's kind of accumulated. It's a performance. It's a show. It's a show. Yeah. Imagine like if he did Adam Sandler on Broadway, this would be it. Yeah, it'd be great. And you would love it. It'd be great, dude. Also, there's a song. You know, I had an acting teacher who used to say, like, I didn't like that movie. And if he liked it, he'd recommend it or something, or a book. Yeah. And he would always say, I didn't like it. And he'd just go like this. He'd go, watch it again. That's it. But that's true. And it's true. I've stopped telling other comics about, other specials that I've watched because every comic goes it's alright well dude that's fucking comics I'm like god damn dude we can't give anyone else credit no it's impossible that's so strange yeah but it's only because it's pure and utter jealousy the only person that people will give credit to is Joe Joe's the only guy that I hear that other comics go dude loved it just because they're scared of him say that under the mic that's because they're scared of him they're fucking right they should be say it again because he fasa i fear no man you don't fear joe rogan i don't fear joe rogan i don't fear that fucking guy and i don't fear you it's weird because we crushes you don't think that joe and chob and i could fucking rip you to shreds bro do me a favor if you decide to step into that ring and i'm being dead serious let's go i'm being dead serious no gloves make sure no gloves make sure gloves no gloves um we're talking about a street fight make sure well you said a ring, Brian. Make sure you... Fuck. Fuck, man. If you step into that ring. Shit. If you step over the line, maybe... We gotta have gloves. Alright, well, if somebody... If we happen to cross a ring in straight... This is the Alzheimer's kicking in. Do you see that? Did you take your meds today? You're all over, bro. Be honest with me. I take Propecia. That's all I take. Propecia. Oh, the hair stuff. Nothing else? You don't take something for your pee pee? No, I don't. And I don't need anything for my peepee. I've never taken Viagra. I bet you take peepee pills. I don't take peepee pills. You take peepee, hair, and you take calcium pills. I don't take calcium pills. Yes, because your bones... No, my bones are dense. Prostate pills, prostate stuff. I had my bones looked at. I've seen them. What's the density of your bones? Like titanium. Titanium. Yeah. You have titanium bones. They're stupid dense. Wolverine. Let Schaub hit you as hard as he can in your thigh. He can hit me anywhere he wants. Okay. But just know this. Know this. If you want to street fight with me, yeah, pack a fucking lunch bro i'd say pack because you're gonna be there a while we're gonna fight all day is that what you're saying you're trying to bear the fuck down okay good you ever try to kill all the bacteria you can't yeah you can okay i'm gonna i could you think do you really think in a crazy street fight yeah you and i yeah that it's gonna take that long from sunup to sundown Have you ever done any fighting? This is a Wild West movie. Have I done any fighting? He missed the whole first part of the show. You're talking about Slugger? Slugger Santino over here. Slugger Santino? You call him Slugger Santino? I've heard the stories of Slugger Santino. Let me tell you something. What? My mom. You have dark, sightless eyes sometimes. I was 13. My mom walked in my room and said, that's it, you're grounded. You didn't clean up the house. Guess what I did? Punched that bitch in the face. Beat her to death. What? Killed my mom at 13. You killed your mom at 13? Beat her to death. That seems so awful. You scarred that? Yeah, and here comes my bitch-ass dad running in. What'd you do to your mom? What'd you do to your dad? Because she's not a fucker. Headlocked him, beat his ass to death, too. No, you killed both your parents with your bare hands? Mom, dad. Mom, dad. That's why you call your hands mom and dad. Mom and dad, that's why I call them that. I say you're going to be my mom and my dad. Have you met my parents? When you go. Do you want to meet my fucking parents? And people that. You got stepdad right here. Yeah, this is stepdad. This is a fucking stepdad. These are my adopted parents right here. This is Margie and Kev. Jesus. And if they fuck with me, dude, don't fuck with me, Margie. So you know what I say before I fight? You know what I say before I fight? What do you say before I fight? Say you guys, say you, Rogan, and Shops surround me. Oh, how much fun? Okay. Right? Yeah. Now this is what I go. I go like this. I go. I look around and I go, you guys want to dance? Let's dance. And that's the last thing you hear. So that's your last words. We're going to put that on your Twitter. Because this isn't the West Side Story. Yeah, we're not going to. You're not going to let's dance and it's not that. To me, it may as well be because I never stop moving. Shab is going to just grab you. We're in the circle. We're all going to laugh when you say that dumb fucking line, your last words. I'm going to look around and be like. We laugh, we laugh. Joe doesn't laugh. Joe's not. He just wants to kill you. Joe's too intense. Joe's too intense. Shab wraps you up and puts your little tiny arms behind your head, you know? and then, I mean, Joe's just kicking it. He doesn't even need to do anything. But Schaub holds you down, puts your little arm behind your head. You're a sadist. And I grab onto your ears. I grab onto those fucking car doors. Right? And I put out my ding-dong. I put out the big red bullet. No, it's called the big red. Big red bullet. And I fuck your throat so my dick comes out of your head. It's poking out, poking out, until it pops right through. And then you have a huge cock hole. You have a huge cock hole. A glory hole. Yeah, you have a glory hole. And then all you hear is Rogan like this. that's a terrible yep i don't want to die like that that's how you're gonna die and guess what it's gonna say he got he got a glory hole fucked into his skull and his last words were you want to dance let's dance yep you know that's it you know hey boys let's dance my last through his throat you know my last words are because i create guilt in your heart that this is this is how i fight even though you win i create guilt in my heart you just hear this I'm going, oh, my children. You're going to be talking about your kids while I'm throat fucking you. Because you have to love them because I die. And then you're responsible for. Actually, you know what? I want your kids there to see this. I want them there. I want them there. I'll be so scarred. I want them there. And the whole time I want them to clap while I'm doing it. They would. You'll make them. Yeah. Hurt him. Hurt dad. Hurt him. Hurt papa. Boom. Boom. And I'm just fucking the propitia pills right out of your throat. They don't call me Papa. White ass. Yeah, my white orange Cheeto ass. Your red bullet. You called it the red bullet. Just murdering your throat and then, oh, oh, oh, oh. And you can't take it and you're going, kids, why are you laughing? And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And they're putting it on Snapchat. Jesus Christ, dude. You're an evil. You're a statistic. I'm going to fuck you to death. You're an evil man. Look at your eyes are so fucking dark, dude. And then I'm going to put your body in the trunk of my car and I'm going to drive it out to some weird fucking truck stop in like Pacoima or some bullshit. Yeah. And I'm going to set you up in the bathroom and I'm going to write on the wall, free glory hole. And they're going to fuck your dead head. All these truckers are going to come and fuck your dead head. I don't know if truckers are in fucking dead head, dude. They are. They are. They are. That's science. That's where the term dead head comes from. That's what the Grateful Dead fans used to do. They would fuck dead heads. All right. Look at, Shabba's rubbing his own legs. He's so disturbed. Yeah. No, no, no. He's ready to kill you. He's not ready to fuck you up. He's ready to fucking kill you. This is go time. So I'm calling up Joe after this. I'm going to say, Joe, we got something to take care of this afternoon. Joe, we got a date. After you're done with your scene today, are you going to work again? Yeah. You are? Going back. You are? I don't know if I can now. Can I take a piss break? You can take a piss break. Before we do current events? Take a piss break. I don't give a shit. Don't get on your phone just because. Let's do some current events with Andrew's scene. All right. Jump on in it. I love this. He Davidson describes online bullying after Ariana Grande split. Oh, no. What happened? he released a post on instagram saying that he's been bullied by ariana grande fans ever since they broke up so funny he also has like he suffers from like super uh bad depression same yeah and anxiety same yeah i got all that stuff and so but he's saying like people like her fans like why don't you kill yourself so basically he had to come out this thing like dude you guys are bullying me no matter how bad you do it like i'm not gonna kill myself no matter how many times you ask am I gonna kill myself you know it must have been really bad for a guy like Pete Davidson who suffers from social anxiety I know Pete very well on a personal level he's a good dude Pete is a great dude this kind of stuff happens to everyone that this kind of stuff happens to everyone that this kind of stuff happens to do you know what I mean you date someone fucking mega famous the media gets a hold of it they spin it out of control shit goes kind of weird it gets sideways things change about you the opinions of you and then when everything the dust settles the fucking pieces of shit come out the snakes come out and go oh you suffer from this let's push them the sadists the artists of pain no they're just losers losers they're losers losers you're all losers now imagine this imagine having kids and then your kid coming home like daddy what did you do today like I trolled Pete Davidson I made fun of him oh I mocked him incessantly dude can you imagine that some of those people are parents So this guy wrote a really – That's what bums me out the worst, I think. This guy wrote an amazing book that I've not read, but I'll tell you why I'm talking about it. Don't call it amazing then. He wrote a book called Chasing the Scream About Addiction, and then he wrote another book about depression and anxiety. And he looked at some amazing stats and stuff, and he was on Sam Harris' podcast. And one of the things he talked about was they've done some really, really broad and in-depth studies on the idea that the more you use public – Social media? Social media and Facebook, the higher your depression levels of the time. the more anxious. And so, so much, so much of what it is when you work in a job where you have no control over anything that, that heightens your anxiety. When you work in a job where you are not connected to a community, huge factors in depression and anxiety. And that's why they jump on social media to feel. And he said, he said social media, thinking social media or your Facebook community is a community is like comparing porn and sex. Like it is not a community. Like I'm on a porn. Yeah, it is not. Well, that's different. It's not a community. It's not a community. And social media is a great way to find people who hate you and who love you, but it's all artificial. But it's not real. Do you guys read any of the comments? Do you guys read anything? I don't. I'm way better about it now. I used to engage in a little bit, and then I just stopped reading completely. And then if I'm flying or something like that, and I have time, I'll go in just to – but I'll roast some people and then get out. And you check the temperature of how we're doing. If we do a show, and I – like, I don't need to check this show. I know this show is going to be a great show. because I've been doing a show so long you're I know what's gonna hit a bad show and what they say about bad show nope I know how I because I always want to know what the fans are thinking because I'm usually on par with them so if we have a guess right 10 minutes in a show I know every show how it gonna do typically yeah so long so if I know it not gonna go well I be like well let see if I right and say I can usually gauge on it with the temperature of the comments Yeah but I don go in there and like clown or let people know Here what I found is the best fix for me because I used to read some of the bullshit And I fucking, you know, like Rogan stuff is hard because so many of his fans are such great fans. But whenever I do that show, when I first did it, I would read all that stuff. And they were so fucking half of them are such loving fans. Half of them are like, fuck, yeah, dude, you got a new fan of me, Santino. And then half of them, all they want to do is critique every word out of your mouth. But here's my thing. Why would you care about that person's opinion? No, no, and I didn't. So I gave up. I used to be the same way. I gave up. And then I was like, a person who's going to reach out on Instagram and critique a guy who's a successful comic or was a successful fighter turned into a successful comic, a guy who's going to reach out and say something negative about him, why would I give a fuck about his opinion? No, you can't. He's probably working in some bullshit job, unhappy with his life. Well, here's what I do. I don't read that. No, don't read that. You should have. This is a fix. I don't like Twitter anymore. I don't really fucking use Twitter. I kind of stopped. And it's only because it's inundated with politics. And I'm not a political guy. I don't want to fucking see comics debate about politics. Twitter's not fun anymore. No, it's lost all of its fun. Yeah. But what I do, I've regained some fun. This is what I've done. I go, hit me up if you want to get roasted. I've seen you do this. Dude, it's so fun. because I know that these fans know we're just having a good time. They usually take shots back at me, but it's in love. It begins to blur these lines of like, the real reason people talk shit to you is because they fucking love you. Most people, dude, the only reason that someone leave a comment and go through the trouble because they like you, but they like to hate you because it gives them something. So I go, hey, you want to get fucking roasted? Hit me up. Then I'll light someone on fire. And if it's dope, they'll go, that's hilarious. And they'll retweet it. Or they'll hit me back with something. And I love it too. I like their fucking, I like their shit. But like, it's just breaking down these fake walls. I agree. It's all fake. It's not relevant. But also like, have you ever, like, let's say the rock posts a picture. Have you ever went and looked at his comments? Never. Never. No, never. Who looks at other people's comments? So I don't know why we'd even look at our own. That's very interesting. Yeah, no. Have you ever clicked on a page and were like, let me read the comments? No. Ever. No. I don't. So why would you go into yours? I genuinely don't care. I genuinely don't give a shit about you. I know that about you, and I actually believe you wholeheartedly. Some people are liars. Yeah, but some people are liars. They go, I don't care, but they look. I know you don't. I don't care. I don't know you. I don't give a shit. I like my friends. No, I'll be honest. I'll check your renown and depending, but I'll know, like, for instance, this Tyson Fury fight Wilder. I know what I'm saying isn't a popular opinion, so I know there's going to be some people who are very hurt by what I say, So they're going to lash out. I expect that. That's natural, though. And I know it's going to happen, so I'd stay off it on purpose. Sure. When you're talking about sports opinion, that's hard. If you touch on a subject, I don't care what you say. If you say anything about gun control, if you say anything about abortion, if you say anything about, you're going to get, if you say anything about, for example, Donald Trump or whatever, you're going to get both sides of. Totally. You're going to get our listeners to fall asleep and you're going to get hate on Twitter. When you're a president of the United States, they always say that every decision you make, you're going to make 50% of the people happy and 50% of the people hate you. Totally. And that's a microcosm of essentially how everybody who lives publicly is going to have to... It's what we have to go through. That's right. You're going to get hate. But then again, I'm sorry, but the other thing about being in comics... When you're not getting any comments, though, you should be worried. When no one gives a fuck about what you're saying is when you're in trouble. But by the way, as comics for us, especially with the podcast, the people that are coming to our shows, they love you. And they're coming. And I know those people like me. You know why? Because they laugh for an hour at what I'm doing. So that's what I care about. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take a lot. The ticket sales show me the love. Totally. Or how about in New York? One guy was getting loud. Those fans are so loyal and dedicated. They know how hard I work because they listen to me talk about it on air. They pipe them down before I even get to it. Hey, motherfucker, shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's great. I went, whoa, whoa, dude, chill. It's all right. He's having a good time. I love that shit, though. I went, but for sure, you're my hero. Thank you. I like when people shut other people up. That's my favorite shit of the show. When I hear, there was a woman in, there was a woman that was really fucked up when I was in Philly, and she was just requesting a bit out of me that she loved. So she was a fan. She was just too drunk. Yeah. And another girl, which I thought was really rare. We know as comics. It's mostly fucking dudes. To talk fest. Mostly dudes. If not, it's a drunk girl with her boyfriend. who's her boyfriend brought her yeah and they're both fucked up no dude another girl goes lady be quiet and everybody lost it and i was like that's hilarious here another girl yeah jump on another girl and she goes shut up she goes no seriously be quiet but it wasn't like fuck you it wasn't like come on man it was just be quiet and it worked so fucking well that now i think in the future when i do shows when someone talks i'm just gonna go be quiet because it's such a nice it's such a condescending but nice be quiet and if you're an adult and you don't get that then you gotta go but if an adult hears that and goes I should be quiet I've had three physical fights break out of my shows three? what the fuck are you doing? once in the Nokia Center downtown there was a straight up fight physical fight one in Florida with people sitting at the same table let's go let's go right now what an agro comedy are you pushing on I don't know crazy and then another one and I'm trying to think of when it was but I had three fights Florida Florida the Nokia Center LA and where New York probably Boston how about how about when I was in New York the manager of Gotham came up to me they're like we just want to say we just want to say how happy we are because you know we know with your previous background and fighting stuff we didn't know what fans you were going to you were going to bring in that's funny and she goes they were the nicest most polite fans we've ever had here I feel like fighters will be more like that. My audience isn't a... It's not like... People think the guys with gnarly ears... No, no, no. They're not going to be fighting. That's not my audience. No. That's not who comes to my shows. A lot of those guys do. A lot of like jiu-jitsu schools and you know, I get a lot of that. Yeah, but I think some of those guys might be the most calm guys. Yeah, they are. Because they get it out when they fight. And they're nice people though. Even if the crowd is a pro fight crowd. Anybody I know that trains, that fights or trains... They're not looking to fight people at a fucking college show. No, they don't. Why would they need to? It's the guy that does it. Right. The guy that's working nine hours a day in a fucking, you know, like in a mechanic shop and he's angry and he hates his fucking fat life. But he's coming to laugh too. He's coming to laugh too. He wants to laugh. I'm just saying he's more apt to fight. I'm saying he's just more apt to fight than the guy that does it. Because he's got some shit. Oh, I'm sorry. I've never had a fight. The other one was two girls. I'm sorry. That's the third fight was two girls. So why don't you take your ugly fucking ass out of here? And then I was like, hey, hey, hey. And then, well, she's ugly. and then back and forth. Was she ugly though? Yeah. Was she speaking the truth? She was not. She was a little heavy but in a good way. Oh. Heavy's not ugly. Heavy's not ugly. Ugly is ugly. Sometimes I see people on my shows and I go, wow, really ugly and I'm happy that you came here. And then I go, can we move them to the back? Can you bring them up on stage? I bring them up on stage and I say, kick them out because they're disgusting. No, no, no. I love ugly people just as much as I love beautiful people. I see. I want to make everyone feel welcome and warm in my shows but if I see a really ugly person, I buy him a drink. Because they've got a tough life. They've got to walk around like that all the time. I go, get that guy a couple of fucking drinks. You just have to look at him for an hour. He's 24 hours. I don't look at people. I'm a weirdo. People say that about... I don't look at anybody anymore. I gaze out. I'm out. I don't want to look at your face. Me too. I don't want to look at your face. I don't want to look at your face because I'm doing this thing. I'm in full red rocket mode. All right. Which is what we call it. The red rocket tour is 2019. It's a little obnoxious, dude. The Red Rocket Tour. It's a little obnoxious. It's Pierce Brian Callen's throat. No. The Red Rocket Tour. You can't put that as you call it the Glory Hole Tour. The Glory Hole Tour. The Red Rocket Glory Hole Tour. Featuring Slugger Santino. Featuring Slugger Santino. Hold on, let's go into some fucking... And it's Red Rocket. Let's get some more news. Let's keep going. What else we got? God damn it, I just realized we're totally off the mark here. No, we're not. So, some parents are starting to send their kids to rehab for a video game addiction. Yep. Particularly for... That's really bad, huh? I can attest to that. my son is not allowed to be on the iPad anymore because he gets too crazy. He will, but this gets crazy. These kids will disappear into this shit. Yeah, I guess you know what's so funny? Bad for them. The development of video games has almost been a negative. When we were kids and it was like 8-bit, 4-bit, whatever that is, it was so fun because it was simple. Now you can live inside of the video game. Dude, go to Dave & Buster's. Go to Dave & Buster's. Go to Bobby Lee's house. No, dude, play an arcade game. you're like this shit's terrible it's crazy compared to what you get at home so of course the kids are staying home yeah jacking off drinking red bull yep and then playing for 24 hours and doing no i looked at those kids a lot of those kids who've been coding and playing video games today they don't like they actually don't grow they don't grow they their bodies aren't being they're not eating yeah and their bodies aren't being tested they're not moving so they don't grow they stay they stay like 10 year old that's fucking sad there's obviously but there's obviously a problem with this where kids aren't working out and they're playing video games but there's also another spectrum of this where people think the guys who play a lot of video games are nerdy and like super introverted there's a lot of them that are badasses that actually work out but they do this in their off time totally there's guys yeah tons of money yeah and they're fucking chicks then when they're done with that they're getting online playing video games yeah but the truth is it's no longer just talking about a balance but i'm telling you there's a there's a heavy uh The freaking portion of those gamers who are actually like legit. But this is not talking about gamers. This is just the average child. See, this is just parents are saying that the average child that's at home that has access to iPads, iPhones, Xbox, PlayStation, the computer. It's so many free ways to play games now. Yeah. That's on the parents too a little bit. Sure. But the Nintendo Switch, like the inventions of mobile take it with you to go. That means they want to play it all the time. Well, they have access to it. When I was a kid, it was just in the basement, at the house, me and my brother play. At night. At night. Yeah. Because during the day, we're outside all day. That's funny, because I never played video games during the day. But at night, during a sleepover. All the time. Yeah, you go all night long. All night, you take your spots, right? Totally. But nowadays, we don't want to be indoors. But what about the video games that are virtual reality, where you're actually moving, shooting, punching? Those aren't shit. No? Here's the problem. I had a friend of mine that was an investor in VR. he was saying very candidly that he's like, hey, man, we're moving at lightning speed with VR. It's still going to take a long time before it is. Just because it's extremely complex, and it's so much coding from what I indirectly understand. And there's also a lot of equipment, right? It's not even that. It's more about creating these worlds with such depth and to make it continually change and adapt. It just takes a lot of technology. A lot of those kids would much rather play Fortnite or whatever and just sit there. A lot of them don't want to mix that. Yeah, they don't want to do this shit. Have you done VR? I've been inside VR worlds and I've shot like bow and arrow and all that stuff it's fine but I get it why you're like nah this isn't as cool it's just not there it's like a self driving part you're going to have a point where you're an avatar though you're going to have an avatar? no I'm saying how great will that be for some people did you read about all this stuff about the computers that are talking to each other in different languages you had to shut down Facebook pulled the plug they start speaking a different kind I told you about this right they're talking in different languages and they're saying they can create their own code they pulled the cord they went oh shit they can create their own code because they were going into Jew and Hater pushing people toward anti-Semitic no that's Facebook but the thing with Facebook they create this thing listen to this Andrew they create this thing so they started talking and they realized that humans were downloading what they were saying and they went let's talk in this other language that they can't understand and then Facebook went oh shit this ain't good Dude, when the robots kill us. And it did it fast, too. It wasn't like, hey, they're listening to us. It was like, holy fuck. They're following what we're saying. Switch over to this weird fucking database. Imagine these robots are listening to us. The computer's listening to us. And all they're going to take from this is they're learning how to do what we talk about doing. So one day when the robots take over and they kill us. And they kill us in very traditional ways. And when they go to kill Brian, they're going to remember how I was going to kill Brian. And the mic listened and logged out. And then they get out that fucking stainless steel costume. This thing is going to go right through Brian's... This is going to be the black rocket. It's going to go right through Brian's throat. I don't want to die. The machine is going to kill you. But I don't want to die. Can I tell you something? Tell the robot let's dance. The machine is going to kill you. I can bear down. You're going to say that to a robot? Is it a robot? Let's dance. I don't want to die. You're going to die. I don't want to die. I'm going to... Oh, I just got a phone call. What? Hello? Oh, no. It's your life. Oh, fuck. How long? Oh, gosh. Is that a robot? How many... What is it? What is it? The fifth today? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's near. How long do I have? It's from what? Wow. That's insane. How many? There's four of them? No. Wow. No. I'll let them know. I'll let them know. And they tried, huh? And they tried. They did. Well, okay. He's going to. Yeah. Hey, he's wearing it right now. What? Oh my God. That's it. Okay. All right. All right. Bye. what did i say no he just you know he's just saying that um it was just it was your life on the line your life is on the line imagine dying in this outfit by the way i don't want to die in this outfit imagine dying in this outfit i don't want to die in this outfit i would take so many instagram story pictures of you like this dude i don't want all dead in that bullshit no i don't want to die this way we'd have to involve him in that in that but this is why my grandfather this is why my grandfather always dressed nice because he was like well i don't want to die looking like a bum. He's like, just put me in it now. If you die like this, I don't want my flesh showing. You want to be fully clothed when you die. I won't be embalmed laughing hard. You're going to die someday. I've got to get out of here. Brian's got to go back to his job. I have five minutes. Have you guys heard of the thought audit? No. No. So it started as a joke where there are people with private Snapchat accounts who will charge money for the password to get into that Snapchat and see videos. And it will be like girls undressing and stuff like that. And somebody came out and said that their private account was audited because somebody tried to turn them into the IRS and that girl got audited for it. Wow. That's so dope. as a joke and now people are seriously trying to get girls audited for having private Snapchat accounts. What's wrong with people? They're ruining the fun for everyone. No one has anything better to do. They're terrible. These are party poopers. These are grade A party poopers. Who reported my premium Snapchat to the IRS? I'm being fucking audited. That is so funny though. It is funny. That's so funny. Do hookers don't pay taxes? No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize for saying that. I know that's a mean word. They actually do pay taxes. Cash, baby. I mean, I'm sorry. It's escorts. I apologize. I don't mean to say that. Ladies of the evening. By the way, let me make this very clear. Whores. Brandon. I am very much in support of women who want to be in the game of sex work. That's all I want to say. I don't give a fuck what you do with your life. No, I support it. But they don't pay taxes because it's cash. Correct. It's all cash transactions. They can actually turn over their information to, I believe... I forgot. Because they want to rent houses too and shit, right? And they need credit. They can. A lot don't, but they can. Or you suck everyone off until you get there. That is so mean. So mean. Do you think that's how the world works? Do you think you go into Bank of America and you suck a cock and you get a mortgage? Been there. Well, because I'm going to go there right after this because I'm struggling with mine right now. Because I need one. Red bristles! What else you got? A good interest rate. What's the next one? I gotta get out of here Alright how about this Tyson Fury donating His entire purse For the Wilder fight 10 million dollars To help the poor And homeless That's insane The speech he gave Was so fucking inspirational Isn't it great Yeah man it just made me Smile so hard I love that motherfucker I love that guy He's a fucking dude You know what You know what I mean by that He's a dude He's the best in the world You're just a good dude man You're just a dude He's the best in the world I think he beats Anthony Joshua I think in the rematch It's gonna be very tough For Wilder You think this was a draw I do have this as a draw You do have it as a draw I do It was a phenomenal fight I love the fight Here's the thing too Deontay Wilder went into that fight Hurt Hurt what? With what? Had a broken arm a few weeks before the fight Had surgery Shut up Went into it without sparring or anything So are they using that? Are they using that? I don't think he's using it I think it didn't come from his team I think it finally came out Dude look at the fucking size of these guys So he is fucking dishing out 10 million dollars to the home The entire purse Every dollar he made from that fight That's insane You know why? Is he the most Likeable guy Of all time? You know why he's Doing that? Because he knows Taxes? No because he knows He knows he can make more He knows he can make more Off the rematch They both make But that's what I'm saying He knows that it's like Let me just do a good thing I'm a boxer Not a businessman He just said he doesn't Want to be a millionaire A billionaire He just wants to help people Oh this guy I believe him I absolutely believe him too God I love Mike I love I love You almost called Mike Tyson That's what I love Mike Tyson Fury Mike Tyson Fury Mike Tyson Fury Punch Out He was named after Mike Tyson, wasn't he? Correct. Wow. I think he beats Joshua. I think it's going to be tough for Wilder in the rematch. By the way, America is fascinating. I think he beats Joshua. Here's my thing. People are going to be, ooh. Wilder knocks out Joshua and Tyson Fury outpoints Joshua. Wow. I think Joshua's the third out of those three. Do you make bets in Vegas? Sometimes. I have my brother do it or my agent. I'm going to call you next time. I'm going to make some bets on what you say. Please do. Call me or Rogan. I think the heavyweight division is so exciting right now. Kids, I got to go. Can you close this out for me? I know. I opened this up so strong, and I'm going to close it strong. But you're going to be here. We're going to close it right now with you then. Come on, Mauro. You leaving? I can't be late. All right, dude. I love you guys. Andrew Santino, I want to thank you. Do we want to stop this now? You got to get going. Where can they listen to your podcasts? You can listen to Whiskey Ginger wherever podcasts are available. Obviously, it's on iTunes and all that jazz. Everything. It's going to be on YouTube. Everyone's mad about it. Get on YouTube. It is. I know it's coming. I promise. We'll figure it out. And also, go to andrewsantino.com for dates. I'll be in Bakersfield. I've never been up there. Are you at the brewery? Yeah, I'm going to Bakersfield January 19th. Come to that, and then I go to Drafthouse in D.C. the last weekend. Jan 19 is when he's shooting his Showtime special. We won't be there. What? You won't be there? No, I will. Where are you shooting his special? in Spreckles Theater, San Diego. Shooting a special, Showtime special. Alright, I love you guys. I love you, bye. Alright, love you, dude. That's great. Keep the cheeks tight. Don't forget your coat. We can all relax now. Brian's left the room. Yeah, thank God that piece of shit is gone. And I shouldn't say piece of shit because I don't really mean that. I love him, but I got to tell you, dude, whenever I'm around him... You tense up? Yeah. Yeah. Because I just want to rip his head off. You know what? It's either that or you know he's going to go at any minute. Yeah. Yeah. And here's the thing. do I like doing this podcast more with you than with you and him together? Sure. Do I respect and like Brian as a comic? Depends. Day to day? Case by case. Case by case. But I always love coming here and seeing you. It's such like a light in my life. And then when Brian comes sure, it's funnish. It's funnish. But it's like a rainy day at Disneyland, isn't it? Yeah, you're still at Disneyland. You're still there. You're like a little cold and it's wet. Mickey's gonna be around. Yeah, but it's going to be wet But it's going to be sad Mickey Yeah, sad wet Mickey But I do love coming I do love coming all over the place Dude, I've got to be honest I'm glad you finally started your own podcast I'm happy to it You're one of the funniest guys on the planet Thank you, bro You have some of the best artwork You're going to be doing your thing We're going to be moving at full speed Whiskey Ginger is the name of it And I hope people listen to it And it catches up a little bit They will, man Look at it, it's not on YouTube yet But you're headed there We're trying We're getting cameras. Look at that. That's it right there. Oh, did someone put up videos? It said videos. I tried the videos. That's really crazy. What does that say for videos? Did someone just take the audio and throw it up? Looks like it, yeah. Yeah. This is Twitter. Oh, no, that's me. That's me. No, that's just me. No, so I'm going to put up YouTube. I know everyone gets so mad when you don't put up YouTube stuff. I know. You just started out, though. We didn't do video until like our third season. Yeah, no, dude. But I know that that's what's up right now. But it's 2018. I know that's what's up right now. I know. I know when I know I know When you don't have video It's like you're sending mail with pigeons I know but that still was very efficient It was Because if the pigeon died It wasn't supposed to get there Correct It was in God's hands Yeah meanwhile now The postal service delivers 19% of my mail I don't get shit anymore I hear you Someone's stealing my mail And packages We gotta get you out of here dude So you're in Bakersfield You said? I go up to Bakersfield The January 19th And I do That's a great room Dude I cannot wait I was nervous about it And I've never done Bakersfield, and I know Bakersfield people are going to come the fuck out. Good crowd. Yeah. Good math. Yep. Okay, don't hang out after hours. By the way, if anybody's got whippets, bring them whippets, baby. Bring the whippets. Woo! Bring them, baby. All right, man. Bring them out. Bring them out. Bring them out. The hard whippets in your mouth. All right. For me, this Friday, Saturday, I'm in New Mexico, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Santa Ana Casino. After that, end of December, I'm at the Ice House, Pasadena, Friday and Saturday. What are you doing December 28th, 29th? Nothing. Want to do a set? At this house? Yes. Either Friday or Saturday? Saturday, I can. Perfect. Santino's with you as well. I'll be here, baby. Along with some other funnier friends than me. Edmonton, Canada is January 10th and 12th. Then the Grand Hogoso, my one-hour showtime special in San Diego, Speckles Theater. Get tickets now. tfatk.com. We also just released the Abbot Kenny Fight Club Tees in Military Green. They're out. Get them. for Andrew Santino, Brian Callen, myself. This is the Fire on the Kid. We're out. Ding, ding, ding.