One Sentence Can Repair a Marriage, Most Couples Were Never Tought It!

Whether you're solving murders during breakfast, cracking cold cases on your commute, or playing amateur detective at bedtime, Amazon Music's got millions of podcast episodes waiting. Just download the Amazon Music app and start listening to your favorite true crime podcasts, ad-free, included with Prime. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile, the message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a try at MintMobile.com slash switch. The most eye-opening conclusion we came to was that most marriages don't fall apart because people don't care. They fall apart in the moment something goes wrong. When emotions spike, defenses rise, and nobody really knows exactly what to say next. So people guess. They react, they shut down, they explode, or they just walk out. Maybe, I mean, maybe they're thinking, I'll deal with this later, I can't handle it now, it's too much. But later, either never comes or it rarely comes, right? And what breaks trust most isn't conflict. It's what happens after the conflict, when repair never actually happens. Today, this is the conversation. This is what we are going to work out together. We're going to work out these wrinkles together, okay? Because repair is not just a feeling of this is what I want to do and then we bypass it. It's a skill that needs to be learned. And most of us were never taught how to do it. So get comfortable, grab a warm tea, whatever it is, grab the babies, open tight, and let's get ready for this conversation. Uh, no. Oh, that's better, right, Beth? Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to becoming unshakable. The Legacy Conversations bonus series, a special edition brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parents podcast, a community of strong families building unshakable legacies. And so happy to be back with you. I'm your host, Elie Coferenci. And over the last few episodes, we've talked about peace, protecting peace, repair, accountability, and why words without change break trust. That was powerful. And today we're moving into something incredibly important. Okay, we're talking about repair in real time. What to actually say when something goes wrong. And what not to say if you want safety, connection, and intimacy to survive. Because we want that. We want that in our marriages. Listen, good intentions are not going to repair your relationship. But you know what does? Good skills do. And if you're listening with your spouse right now, I know I said grab the baby's type. But if you're listening to your spouse right now, this is going to be a really good episode to pause throughout and talk through it together. I think that that is so important to get that communication going, to talk about the things that may bubble up through this conversation. Let's start here. Most people don't destroy connection on purpose. I know that that is never the intention. When we talk about it in the community, that is not the intention. They destroy it. Or we, let's say we, because we've all been there, right? We destroy it because nervous systems take over. And we sometimes say the first thing that comes out. Isn't that right? Sometimes it's just so overwhelming. The emotions are going. And you just say the things that come out. And that's not always nice. And listen, repair, repair fails when people speak from defense without the responsibility to consider the things that are coming out of our mouths, right? Out of our, out of our mouths. We got to catch that. We have to have the self-discipline to catch the things that are coming out of our mouths before they become destructive. The goal of repair is not to win. I'm not saying anything that you don't need or that you don't know, but this is an important reminder that sometimes we forget, right? It's not to win the fight. I don't know why there's that feeling that you need to win, because we need to remember. Listen, this, we're in this together. We are a team. The point isn't to be right. The point isn't, it's not to prove a point, right? We're not trying to prove a point. I mean, maybe, maybe some of us are, but that's an, it can't be about that. The goal of repair is restoring safety. That's what it's about. Because once you have the safety back in, gosh, the floodgates open and debuts beautiful things. For everyone who solves crime from their couch, knows more about forensics than their own job and has trust issues with small town sheriffs, Amazon Music's millions of podcast episodes are calling. Just download the Amazon Music app and start listening to your favorite true crime podcasts, ad free, included with Prime. So why do we think repair fails in the moment? When conflict happens, the body goes into threat mode. Most of the time it goes into this threat mode. Tell me I'm wrong. The heart rate increases, adrenaline rises, language becomes sharper. Yeah, I feel like I have a really good, I have a great harness on my words. I really, really do. But I feel that that is because of things that have happened in my life. Right. I've watched, I've watched my parents go through a divorce. I lost my brother unexpectedly and I could never, I've never fought with my brother, not one time. We never had a fight. My mother raised us so well that we were always holding hands. He was always loving on me. I was loving on him. We didn't fight. That wasn't a thing that we did. And every morning we'd pray together, we'd hug, we'd kiss. We'd tell each other that we love each other. And at nighttime too, the whole family, me and my mom and my brother, it was a happy family. I know that my father was missing and I'm telling you that that didn't, I didn't really, it's hard to explain because when you really get thinking about it, it's sad. You see other families and you do long, I wish I had a dad, but we had such a happy relationship, the three of us, that it didn't feel like anything was missing. We were always laughing, we're building together. We were just raised in a loving environment and that was just so beautiful and so valuable to me. So when he passed away, my memory was of the night that I last saw him. I gave him a big hug. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow. And that was, that was my memory. So for me, having a reign on my words, like just honing them in, I'm very careful with my words because I understand how precious life is. Do you really want to be remembered as a jerk? Is that what you want to be remembered if something, God forbid, were to happen? I just know that that was so valuable for us. So just, just be careful with those sharp words. It's not worth it. Believe me that it is not worth it because sometimes, yes, goodbyes are planned and you know that it's going to happen, but most times, most times no. Most times it's, um, it's a shock, right? He was young, he was healthy and he was gone. And I know so many people in our, our community, their spouses, it's not planned. It's an accident. Something happens. So this is just, I know I've gone off topic a little bit, but I wanted to share this from my experience of the thought that works for me, right? This works for me to really be careful with my character. I want my, I want my children to be proud of who I am. I want them to love who I am. I want them to always feel safe. I want to be the safe person for them. So just remember when your words become sharper, try to, try to hone them in. Even for that reason, this is number two, it's not going to be good for repair because that stuff, especially for women, for us women, dang, we'll never forget it. My daughter too, something that was said either to me or to her, she'll never forget it. She's like an elephant. We all are women. Tell me I'm, I'm wrong. So anyway, okay, back, I'm going to reel it back in. So I was saying the heart rate increases, right? Adrenaline rises, language could perhaps become sharper listening decreases because you're just so focused on what you're going to say next. And, and from a clinical standpoint, this is important. When the nervous system is activated, logic goes offline. It just goes. That's why people say things that they don't mean or they go silent or, or this is a bad one, or they walk out, they leave or they escalate relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples over decades, found something fascinating. The couples who stayed married were not the ones who avoided conflict. Okay. They didn't avoid conflict. They were the ones who learned how to repair quickly. A simple phrase, a small moment of humility, pause before escalation. Is it, this is so important that pause before escalation. I actually, I actually felt it tonight. I am so, I just have so much on my plate right now. And my daughter's running to me and my son's running to me and I'm the default parent in the house where they come to me, they ask for me. They want everything from me. And I almost felt like I was getting frustrated for a second with her, but I'm so good at catching this stuff. And I just thought, why am I feeling frustrated? I know I have all this stuff that I have to do. But look how, look at these little eyes and this little voice. Tune into that. Focus on that. And it just, I couldn't, I just gave her the biggest little, the biggest, like, biggest little, I gave this little tiny girl the biggest hug and I just, it just, it just melted off me, melted off my back. Well, what did you want to say, baby? What do you need? What can I help you with? What can we do? And I just, she's just so precious. And I have to remember, these times are fleeting. It is going. I was just watching a video too. I was watching a video that I had recorded and I was talking to my son and he was taking so long to say the sentence. And this was after I found out the bad news from my doctor. So I didn't know what was going to happen. But again, I just fell into every little moment with my family because I had to, how do you want to be remembered? How do you want to be with your family? I just remember falling into every single moment, every single word, just hanging off of it. And I looked around in the video and I saw there was a couple of people in the car and they were just on the phone scrolling things that they're never going to remember. And I just remember thinking, that's so sad. Like I just, I got this value, this beautiful memory that I still remember. But then when I saw the, the video, it just, it hit me and I was so grateful that I was living my life like that even through the time when I could have chose anxiety and fear and depression. And I just decided to fall into the love of someone else. So fall into the love with your spouse, fall into the love, even if your, your wife is maybe annoying you or triggering you, fall into the little girl, fall into the little girl of her. Right. And she'll start noticing that. And then you'll become her safe place. We all want to be the little girl. I want to be the little girl. But sometimes I find that I can't be, but for sure, for sure, for sure take advantage of the moments where you could really, truly connect. So I'm going to circle it back again. The, the couples who learned how to repair quickly using perhaps some kind of simple phrase that they go to, or that small moment of humility. I think that is so important or that pause before the escalation. These moments, what they act like is an emotional shock absorber, right? It absorbs the shock for the relationship so that it doesn't escalate. And the, the gauntments are so good at this that they can literally, by the way, they have couples come in and they observe them, they study them. They could tell you if you're going to have a divorce, if you're headed for a divorce, just by those things, just by your ability to repair, just by the way you treat each other and handle the situation. They're able to figure out if you're going to have a divorce, which is so scary, or to find out the success of your relationship. I don't want to say divorce because if you work on something, you don't have to have a divorce if you repair, if you put the work into it, right? Because without repair, that's the small cracks that slowly become deep fractures. Repair requires slowing the moment down before the damage multiplies. That is so key, that is so key for our marriage. I want to share something that happened recently in our community. And a couple wrote to me after a disagreement that spiraled much faster than either of them expected. And it, it wasn't even anything super dramatic. There wasn't, there wasn't any betrayal. And I'm not saying that if there's betrayal, you can't fix it because you most certainly can. We do have several couples in our, in our community that have repaired after betrayal. But there, there wasn't a certain, a major issue that this couple was facing. It was just a moment and a tone that felt really sharp in a sentence that landed wrong. And suddenly both of them were, were defending themselves. They found them defending themselves instead of protecting the relationship. It was that thing of who's right, my point. And it just like escalated into this thing they were saying. And later that evening, the husband came back and said something really quite simple, not totally perfect. He just, he, she said, he was just honest. He was just honest and in the moment and he said, I think I went into defense mode earlier. I didn't, I didn't stop to see how that felt for you. I didn't, and, and I, I made some choices that I wouldn't do again if I had the chance. And I really want you to know that I care more about us than winning that stupid moment. And she said something beautiful. She said that one sentence changed everything for me. Not because, not because the problem had disappeared because that topic was still up for discussion, but because the safety returned so they could face it together and they could, they could deal with this together. Listen, when safety comes back into a relationship, the walls come down. So let's talk about, and again, thank you guys for sharing that because I think that this is very useful, very valuable for other couples to hear this, to say, Hey, that's, that's us. That's us. That's what we do. It's just, we don't repair like that. We just either sweep it under the rug or we never do it. And then we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just sweep it under the rug or we never get around to it. So it becomes a fracture and it separates us. It pushes us further apart. So I, whenever you guys share something with me, I am very grateful and I know that the community is grateful too. So if you ever want to share anything, I welcome it with open arms and I'm so proud of you guys for being brave to share these types of things because we learned so much from each other's experiences. So I just wanted to put that out there. Thank you so much for sharing that. So now let's talk about what not to say during repair. This is where many couples, many of us get stuck. These phrases feel protective in the moment, but they actually deepen the rupture. Right. Things that sound like you're too sensitive. That's not what I meant. So why are you so hurt? It was, I just said it. It doesn't matter. It's just words or can we drop it? Let's drop it. Let's drop it. Okay. Stop, stop. I don't even want to talk about it or something like, why are you bringing this up now? Look, I already said, sorry 95 years ago. Why are we talking about this again? Or sometimes it's just silence. It's just someone putting a bid, putting in a bid for connection, which the Gautmans talk about as well, putting in a bid for connection and it's ignored. They don't even look up. It's just silence. It's like, I'm going to just pretend I didn't hear a lot or walking out. So they think start to escalate and it's like, you know what? I'm out. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. Stonewalling. That's stonewalling. That's ugly. It's ugly. It's ugly. It's ugly. Raising your voice to shut the conversation down. I know some parents have talked about this in the community where one of the spouses, they raise their voice not only in the relationship and the marriage, but they start, they do it with the children as well, which this is something that needs to be examined. Right? There's other ways to go about it. And none of these restore safety friends. What they communicate is your experience doesn't matter here. Your feelings don't matter. None of that is going to be acknowledged. And when safety breaks, connection always follows. Right? The breaking of connection. That's exactly what's going to happen. Guaranteed every single time. Well, having explored that, then what does real repair sound like? What do you think it sounds like? Healthy repair is usually short, grounded and sincere. And it sounds like I can see how that landed. We can write this down guys. We can write this down. You may want to take a note, put it in a part of your notebook in your journal. I can see how that landed, even if it wasn't my intention. That makes sense why that hurt. That makes sense why that hurt. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I don't want distance between us. And then you move on to the repair. Help me understand what you need right now. Because sometimes it's really confusing. So you need to ask help me understand what you need right now. Especially when we're going through postpartum or we're just emotional over stimulated. Our vice versa. Maybe it's our husbands. These are great questions for our husbands. I handled that wrong and I want to repair it. That did not go the way that I wanted it to go. That didn't even, that didn't sound right. I'm so sorry. But like nip it in the butt before it starts. That wasn't my intent. That wasn't my intention. I'm so sorry. But as we were talking about in the last episode, these all sound very beautiful. Right. They sound very beautiful, but you have to take action on it. So if you're going to say these things and these, when you say these really think about it, because it makes sense. You don't want to hurt your spouse. You don't want to break the marriage. You don't want to fracture the marriage. Really think about these things. And then from then you have to, you have to take action. You have to put in the work. And notice what these statements do, the ones that we just talked about. They don't argue with the feeling. They don't, they don't defend the behavior. Yeah, but you did this and you did that and it's not defending the behavior. It's not defending your behavior of why you, why you did it, why you were right for snapping or leaving or whatever it was. And they don't, they don't rush resolution. They restore emotional safety first. And listen, when safety returns, the conversation becomes possible again. You have to make it safe. You have to bring it down so it doesn't escalate. It is so important. It is so important. Many of us didn't learn, many of us didn't learn the skills, but it doesn't mean that it's too late. Doesn't mean that it's too late. Right. We're human. We're so good at learning. We love learning. I love learning, right? Our community loves learning. Scripture consistently points us towards this posture. Okay. So listen, listen, listen, because this is going to be so good. If you want to write it down, you can. So humility before resolution. Listening before speaking. Right. I know, I know you want to get your point in. I just want to be right. Right. Whatever it is. Listen before speaking. Just fully listen. Don't cut, don't cut your, don't cut your beloved off. And remember the humility, right? Remember that humility before resolution. And love, true love, true love before ego. Forget about the ego. Forget about the ego. You know who I'm talking to. Love before ego. The book of James chapter one, verse 19 through 20 reminds us. Everyone should be quick to listen. Slow to speak and slow to become angry. That is so good. Everyone should be quick to listen. Slow to speak and slow to become angry. Slow to become angry. That's not just spiritual wisdom. Right. It's emotional wisdom for us. It's exactly what we need to be reminded of. Repair done with a biblical posture often looks like lowering your voice instead of raising it. So doing the opposite of what your flesh wants to do. Lower your voice instead. Right. Catch yourself. Catch yourself. It's self-discipline. Right. You want everybody wants to go to the gym and look better and gym, gym, gym, gym. Work out, work out, get the muscles. Look beautiful. What do I got to do? Listen, we have to do the self-discipline inside of us. Okay. So that we, so that sometimes it's like, have you ever, have you ever been around someone that looks beautiful, but it's ugly? The things that come out are ugly? Well, we don't want that for ourselves. We got to really work on that self-discipline. So lower your voice instead of raising it. Leaning in instead of walking away. I know. I really do. Sometimes I've never done it. I've never done it because I've been abandoned. So for me, that's a really hard one for me to swallow. For me personally, and I know this isn't for everyone, but for me, when someone walks out on me, it crushes my soul. It crushes my soul. It breaks my heart. I used to have a really hard time with it. It was so traumatic for me that I could, I could, I could, this is so embarrassing to say. And it was, if I only, I'm just thinking of myself back then, how sad, how sad this is that I would, that I would beg and cry and please don't leave. Like just, oh my gosh, are you serious? Are you serious? And then the worst thing is now that I understand it all, how could somebody do that to punish me, to hurt me, to, to, to just bash me in something that is so painful for a child that's been abandoned, to watch me turn into a little child, to, to put that trauma on me, to just leave and, and enjoy that feeling of watching someone beg and cry. So toxic, so abusive, so ugly, so disgusting, but I'm just saying, so rather than, than walking away because, and, and you need to know your spouse, you need to know their pain points. Is this something that they, you have to have these conversations of the most painful thing, what would that be? Right? Especially for me, it was abandonment and death, right? Someone leaving, someone that said they loved me so much, but walking away and never coming back. That is pain. And then someone that I loved with my whole heart to suddenly, suddenly pass away tragically. So that for me is a trigger. And I know now that if someone were to do that comfortably and even enjoy watching me fall into that kind of trauma, that person, that is not love. That's plain and simple. That is abuse. That is abuse and, or even to, to leave. And then when I'm trying to call, trying to call, oh gosh, why aren't you answering it? Don't you love me? That is abuse. Anyway, so find out your spouse's trigger. I'm sharing this because I know when I had this conversation in the community, there was other people that had had this type of experience and they kept it inside. Like they never told their spouse about the triggers, the triggers that hurt them. And you need to tell your spouse the triggers and hopefully they love you and they're not an abusive or, or, you know, they're not a partner that's, I pray that they're a partner that wants to heal and help the little girl in you that, or little boy in you that faces whatever pain that you've had in your life, not to, to ignite it because they're upset with you. That's terrible. And I really hope nobody has to experience that, but I know that there are people in my community that have and, and it was just such a powerful conversation. So again, okay, reeling it back in, leaning in instead of walking away, right? The opposite. Again, choosing unity over pride, choosing unity over pride, remembering, this is a holy covenant. We're in this together. We're here together. Remembering that you're a team. Don't forget that. This is, this is the most important thing you and your spouse. And sometimes I like to think about how Christ carried himself in relationships. Right? He could have honestly, guys, he could have ended it. He could have walked out. He could have said, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want to do this. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to die. I don't want to die on a cross. I don't want these people to treat me like this. I don't want to be, I don't want to be abused. I don't, I don't, I don't want to go through this type of pain. I know the little ones are, are listening right now with you, but the emotional pain that he went through and the physical pain, the physical pain really think about the things I was listening to. Um, a scientist just talking about the reality of the pain, the pain that he went through. It's too graphic to talk about here, but one day when you're, when you're on your own, you know, your husband, your spouse and you look up the things that he actually went through physically, he didn't have to, he didn't have to do that. Right. To hold a, literally hold himself together because his, his body was, you know, holding himself together. It makes me emotional just to think of that, but he didn't walk out. He stayed, he stayed, he stayed and he was gentle and he was truthful and he was grounded. Right. Never controlled by ego. Never controlled by ego. So I like to think about the way that I move through things in my life, the challenging parts, things in my relationship, the things with my children. How did Christ deal with these things? I tried to find, and he was so perfect, so perfect. How can I, how can I be more like Christ through these journeys? Through the struggles, through the obstacles, through the relationship. How can I be more like that? Because honestly, and we were just talking about it, some moments feel too charged sometimes, too painful, too loaded in those moments repair might, it might sound like, it might sound like this. I'm trying to think of a really good one. I don't know which one to, okay, I'm gonna start with this one. Let's start with this one. I'm overwhelmed, but can we come back to this in 20 minutes? You don't want to leave it too long, but I think that 20 minutes is fair for everyone. Just be, be up front. Listen, don't just storm out and leave and cause more trauma. That is, I'm telling you, you are going to wreck the intimacy in your relationship if that is a trigger for either one of you. So listen, I'm overwhelmed. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes? I just need 20 minutes. I gotta get my head straight. Just give me 20 minutes. Okay, I think that 20 minutes is fair for both of us. And I just need to think of what I need to say next or do next or whatever it is. I don't know. I'm trying to give you an inner, I'm trying to give you the whole dialogue, but this is, it's whatever, whatever you're facing, but this is just an example. Are you overwhelmed? What are you feeling? Just say what you're feeling. I could imagine you'd be feeling overwhelmed and you just need to take off for a few, for a few. For a few minutes. Or it could look like I need a, I need a pause so I don't say something harmful. You know yourself the best, right? But, but communicate this, communicate this with your spouse. Listen, I need to take a moment to pause so I don't say something harmful because I know that when I say things that are not exactly intelligent, you're going to hold on to that in 10, 15, 20 years. And I really don't want that to be something that we have to revisit. So just, just give me, give me a pause. So I don't say something ridiculous that I'm going to regret that's going to hurt you so deeply. And then the other one is I want to, I want to repair this. I just need a moment to regulate. I just got to figure this out of my head, but I really want to repair. I really want to come back to this. So this is so much stronger than avoidance. And that is the leadership. Your, your nervous system needs that is leadership of your nervous system. Right. That is what we need. Those are the types of things. And you, I know you can come up. These are just examples. You could come up with so much more, so much more that is fitting for your relationship. And when people learn these skills, avoidance will disappear. You're not going to, you're not going to lean into avoidance. You're not going to sweep it under the rug. You're not going to do the things that hurt the relationship. And regulation is going to return into your lives, into your marriage. And this, this really, really matters for intimacy. Here is something couples rarely hear. Intimacy does not disappear because of conflict. I just want to be so clear about that. It disappears because repair never happens. We talk about this in the past. We talk about this in the community all the time, but that is exactly the reason that intimacy disappears. It's because repair never happens. And especially for, for many women, emotional safety is the gateway for desire. And people are, men want to know why, why is it? And then they go hard. They're like, I'm going to go and don't get me wrong. You want to have a, you want to have a hot, hot dad bod, right? But they're going to the gym and they're pushing all these things that it's because the repair never happened. It's not the looks. It's not the looks. Right. It's, I mean, that helps. Sure, it helps. But the truth is the core of it is the core of it. The truth is the core of it is because the repair never happened. And especially for women, that is important. When repair is consistent, trust rebuilds, defenses soften and closeness comes back. It returns. Right. When repair is absent, the heart closes. It's like the heart actually closes and desire shuts down. Sometimes we don't even understand it ourselves. We don't understand. It's, I just don't even want to be touched. I can't be touched. I'm physically, my stomach is turning. Distance becomes like a, a protection, like a protection, like this. I mean, what other way to say it? It's a protection. Right. Sometimes you can actually see the moment connection shuts off. You can actually see it. One of, um, one of the women she was shared, she was sharing and she said, when my husband, because my husband, he'll swear at me, like he'll use vulgar. He'll use these yucky words. He swears and I'm not. I'm not used to cussing. I don't cuss, but is everything okay? Okay. Good. I heard a big bang. Um, where was I? Okay. So, so she was saying how connection shuts off because of the harsh words and she could literally go, Oh no, like I just, I'm not attracted to my husband. We were doing so well and I'm just disgusted by him now because of the things that he said to her in his loss of control. And that's the other thing she could, she, it was really unattractive to her that he loses control over something so, so simple, just a simple disagreement that they didn't see eye to eye. And he loses it. The, the volume goes up and then just loss, loss of control of his words. So that's the next thing, a raised voice. That's another thing that you're going to see connection almost instantaneously shut off and insult during an argument. These are things we have to avoid because as women, this is not going to lead, it's not going to lead anywhere good. And suddenly there's going to be a wall. There is suddenly going to be a wall and it's going to take so much work. So it's just better to think of these things in the moment before they happen because that wall can, can take so much more effort to repair. And the moment, how do I say this? It would, it's going to take so much more effort to repair than the moment it would have required to pause, right? That's where we have to, all of us men, women, we need to practice that self discipline because it's going to pass and we need to teach our children this. We need to let, oh please, we need to let them go through the emotion, like feel the emotion. Don't shut it off. Of course, I don't let them go nuts, but help them understand the emotions that they're going through. I see my son do it. Is he so brilliant at it? I could see him rise. Sometimes he'll get frustrated and then he'll take a deep breath and he'll, he'll take it down and just re-center himself. It's amazing. Sometimes I say, go, go take a moment, just go take a moment to yourself and then you can come right back. And he doesn't even need to do that. I thought he was going to do it tonight. I can't remember what it was. He was frustrated with something. What was it? I think he was, oh, his dad told him he had to, he had to put something away and he felt frustrated, but his dad wanted him to do it in that moment. And I could see he was starting to escalate and then he pulled himself down and I said, you can take a moment if you want. Go take a, go take a moment in the room by yourself if you want. He walked that way, but then it just, it just went away. That's the thing that the storm will come, but the sun also comes back and we need to teach our children, oh please just help them to move through their emotions. Don't shut them down. Don't, this is, this, I mean, it's tough, right? My husband was saying that a lot of children in his generation were told to be quiet, go to their room. What does it all give you something to cry about? Like these kind of things that that was normal. My mom raised me, so these were, that wasn't something that happened in our house, but when we're just having the conversation in the community, he was able to share with the other people that have experience like those types of things. That just holding it in, holding it in, shutting it down, and that's going to be hard to deal with later. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells? I challenge you to swap your morning coffee for Sheila Jeet by Symbiotica. And here's what can happen. No crash, no jitters, just clean, sustained energy plus mental clarity and trace minerals that our bodies actually need that are actually starving for, to be honest. This isn't just a supplement. It's an ancient adaptogen sourced from the Himalayas that supports myocondrial function, stamina and overall vitality. Your coffee never did that. Okay, let's just be honest. Try it for a week and tell me your body doesn't thank you. Symbiotica's Sheila Jeet is next level wellness and honestly, you may never go back to drinking coffee. Click the link below down in the bio and get your Sheila Jeet today. So again, this is why self-discipline in conflicts matter. Right? This is why self-discipline in conflict matters. And our children need to see that taking a breath, letting the surge of emotions pass because protecting the relationship is always easier than repairing deep damage later. So this is why it's so important, right? Because we don't, it's, as we were saying, all that effort going into repair rather than just using the moment and, and having that pause using your self-discipline. I can't stress how important that is. Strong marriages are not built on perfect behavior. They are built on repairable moments, repairable moments. Right? And not everybody's going to be perfect. This is, nobody's perfect. None of us are perfect. Right? We're all going to make mistakes, but we do have to have these repairable moments, moments where someone says, I handled that wrong. I didn't go right at that. I shouldn't have done that. I handled that completely wrong. Moments where someone chooses connection over ego because you have a choice. Remember, you have a choice and we're teaching our children this all the time, that the choices that we make have a consequence. Right? The choices we make have a consequence for them and for us, for our marriage. Moments where someone decides this relationship matters more than my pride. Where couples learn this skill, they do not just survive conflict. They grow stronger through it. So conflict is great if you understand how to move through it. That's what the Gottmans talk about as well. That conflict is okay if you can handle it. Sometimes people handle it through communicating well, asking great questions, acknowledging what they did, being able to laugh about it. Right? Being able to have someone, but my brother was so funny. He was so funny. You couldn't stay mad at him. Oh my goodness. I think in the book, the book, I can't remember. I think it was the Gottmans when they had a fight. It was in Seattle. They had a fight in a restaurant and he flipped the table, but they resolved it. Gosh, I couldn't imagine. Can you imagine flipping the table in a restaurant? Oh my goodness gracious. That's hilarious. You got to laugh at it, right? You got to look back and laugh. All right friends, let's take a moment to grab your journals. And you may want to sit with these for a little while. Grab your pen and let's begin. The first, the first question, what phrases do I default to when I'm defensive? What do I say when I feel myself getting defensive or when I get defensive? What do I say? Is it a, yeah, but you, or do you turn it around? What do you do? What is the thing that you do? What is the thing that you do? What is the thing that you do? What is the thing that you do? How was conflict handled in the home I grew up in? Did you guys talk about it? How did you guys talk about it? Did it escalate? Did you shut it down? Was it swept under the rug? What happened? Don't judge it. Just write it down because you're going to learn a lot. You're going to learn a lot. What helps my nervous system calm down during disagreement? I know what works for me. I know what works for me. And I know it's the same thing for a lot of the moms in my community. What helps my nervous system calm down during disagreement? I really need to know, Tony Robbins says it's so good about being in the car and staying in the car. That resonated so deeply when he shared that story of of not getting out of the car that they could be fighting. They could having a disagreement. But he promises, I am not going to get out of the car. I am going to stay in the car. We are in this together. I'm not leaving. We're going to work this out. I'm frustrated right now. I can't remember his exact words, but just that visualization of we're staying in the car together. Maybe for you guys, it's a boat. What? You're in the middle of the ocean in a boat in a dinghy. I don't know. Maybe it's a beautiful yacht, but you guys are staying in the vessel together. You're not leaving. You're not going overboard. You're not jumping onto the cruise ship right next door. And you'll be back whenever it's staying in the boat. That was so, for me, that's a great visual. That's a great visual. Just remembering we're a team. I love that. I love priority being number one. I love being... That's what we're supposed to be, right? Being number one, being the priority. I love that. So, again, that one was what helps my nervous system calm down during a disagreement. And what does my spouse need to feel safe during repair? What does my spouse need to feel safe during repair? I know what that is. Write that down. What that is for you. Make sure you guys... If you guys are together right now, write it down together and then compare your notes. Or if you're not with your spouse right now, make sure you send this to your spouse. And make sure that they write down their answers. Because you're really going to learn a lot about each other. When you do these journal prompts every episode, you're going to learn so much. So, you're going to learn so much about yourself, about your healing, the work that you get to put in. But it's always so valuable to see your spouse's answers. It really is. So, what does my spouse need to feel safe during repair? And what would change if I prioritized repair over winning? What would change if I prioritized repair over winning? Write down whatever comes to mind. And even if something comes to you, a question that I didn't ask, write that down. Write down your answers to yourself, that question. Because this will spark a lot of stuff. This will spark a lot of stuff. So, just write everything down. New questions, all the answers. And make sure you compare it with your spouse. I think that this whole series that we're doing, it's very valuable to work through this with your spouse to share. This awareness becomes incredibly helpful on the journey of your healing and repair. And say if everything's perfect, these are just things to think about if ever something comes up. Because we need to have the tools. Now let's seal everything in prayer. This is one of my favorite times. Sometimes we don't have someone to pray with us. Sometimes we do, but I just feel like it's so powerful when we all pray together. So, let's get ready. Let's hold our loved ones close. And let's just come together in prayer. Heavenly Father, teach us to slow down when emotions rise. Give us humility instead of defense. Gentleness instead of control. Encourage to repair what we once avoided. Help our words restore safety. Help our actions rebuild trust. Help our homes reflect your peace. In Jesus' name, amen. I always feel so good. That's one of my favorite times with you guys. Just remember guys, you don't need perfect communication. It doesn't need to be perfect, but we definitely need to get better at it. We need to make an effort and we just need to start. We need to take action. We need to take accountability. And we need repairable moments. We always need to remember that. The repairable moments, what needs to go into that. Moments where someone chooses humility over pride. We talked about that. Moments where someone slows down instead of escalating. Moments where someone says, I care about us. I care about us enough to try again. And again, if it needs it, I'll keep trying. I'm not going to give up on us. I always make that so clear. I always make that so clear in our relationship. And every time you choose repair, you're not just strengthening your marriage. You're teaching your children something powerful. That is so strong to show that your love is resilient. Look who walked in, my beautiful little girl. I love you. I love you. Love knows how to come back together. And just make sure that prayer is a part of your relationship. Because that is going to crack open that true love. Because true love knows how to come back together. Listen, if this episode gave you language to something you felt, but never knew how to explain, send it to someone you care about. Send it to someone you love. Because sometimes the sentence that changes a marriage, or the sentences, whatever it is, that changes a marriage, is the one someone else finally hears. Right? I got you. I got you. You're welcome. And if this message helped you today, please take a moment to leave five golden stars and a kind review. It really helps. It really helps this message reach families who are reaching for tools, who are searching for tools, and not for blame. Okay? We're not going to go to blame. We're no blaming. We're searching for tools. We're making our marriages stronger. Our relationships stronger. And better. And better, yes. And if you'd like us to help keep building strong families and future leaders, you can also leave a special gift and support the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show with Daniel and Destiny, who are working so hard to bring leadership, faith, and legacy lessons to children around the world. But I also do it to a mama. I don't have it by meacoffee.com, but this is for you guys. I do. Now I do. It's called Kids. It's called Kids. It's called Kids. No, this one's about you guys. So listen, every active support helps our voices grow stronger, because strong families build unshakable legacies, and the link is in the show notes below. It is by meacoffee.com, backslash, Entrepreneur Kids, and every gift is so appreciated. And you say thank you? Thank you. Thank you. And we will... Oh, yes. Don't forget to subscribe to their podcast, and they have such an incredible little community, this little family of these amazing little future leaders. If you haven't listened to the podcast, make sure you do. Make sure you follow and subscribe and all the things, the Golden Stars, really. It's such a precious community, and I know that the team is planning... What is it called? What is it called? I mean, a get-together. A get-together. Yes. Yes. We are all building a legacy, but... Look at Summit. That's what they're planning. The team's planning a summit. So that should be really fun for all these families to get together with their children. It'll be so fun. It'll be so great. So listen, guys. Peace protects the home. Repair protects the heart. Repair protects the heart. It really, really does. And love grows where safety is restored. God bless you all. Glory to God always. This is becoming unshakable. We love you, and we will see you soon. This is becoming unshakable. We love you guys. God bless, and we'll talk to you soon. Bye, guys. Oh, never goodbye so long. Never goodbye so long. Don't forget to eat your asparagus. Don't forget to eat your asparagus and your vegetables. See you soon. See you soon. Bye, guys. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this important message from Mama. There is someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future Litos ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the Autunom Kids Legacy Show. We know you'll love it. Be bold, be kind, build an unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the folks. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story, because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only, and it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business. The new Gum Health Hero is here from Paradontax, the experts in gum care. Paradontax gums strengthen and protect, strengthens the gum seal by killing plaque bacteria along the gum line for a stronger and tighter seal between the gums and teeth. It's been clinically proven to reduce bleeding, and now with hyaluronic acid for foaming action, brush and rinse twice daily to protect against plaque, keep gums tight, and enjoy long-lasting gum health. Paradontax, strong gums, healthy smile. Baltimore. It's a place we call home, where we find comfort and seek opportunity. A place that exemplifies resilience and asserts compassion. A place that inspires us to stand up and stand out. Now it's our time and our place to give back to Baltimore and create a better future for ourselves and our community, because together there is no impossible. 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