#761 - KIM CONGDON + ADAM RAY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Is this thing even on? A priest in a wrapout walks into a bar. I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is gonna be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony, Saturday for 18. Tickets on sale now. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the Smart Financial Center here. In Houston, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Thanks for fucking noise for Brian Red Band, everybody! Oh my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of Sugar Land? The great Michael Gonzalez, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. Fucking hell. Raúl Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, John Bees. And that right there is the great D-Madness, everybody. Matt Mueling on the electric. We got everything in place. This is very, very exciting. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Idle money lies in your current account, picking crumbs out of its belly button, wondering, should I eat them? But when you start investing with Monzo, your money's always busy. It turns on regular investments, invests your spare change, and tops up your stocks and shares, Isa. It even helps you make sense of risk and return. Monzo, the bank that gets your money moving. You could get back less than you invest. Monzo Current Account required UK residents 18 plus T's and C's apply. I gotta ask, Houston, Texas, are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? What a pleasure it is to be on the road in my favorite state in the United States of America. Holy shit, what a beautiful day. 80 degrees and sunny, you can't beat it. Tonight's guest, two of my favorite human beings in the world, two of the greatest killtony guests of all time. Very hard, very hard to book this show on a Saturday night when everybody that touches the show is a sellout theater act. But I did the Lord's work for you as I present to you multiple time over. Without a doubt, arguably statistically the greatest guest in killtony history and the first ever regular in killtony history. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, are Adam Ray and Kim Cogniz. Oh yeah, live in the flesh, you name it. The man who gets promoted by Dr. Hill, Jeremy. Fucking concerted. Elaine, Elaine. So many characters I forget sometimes. Wow. And the great Kim Cong didn't everybody. There she is. Currently being stalked by many men. So I'm here tonight. I have a gun. She's got a gun, she's got a new dow. Everything's happening and ladies and gentlemen, here he is, killtony hall of famer, multiple time guest of the year, Adam Ray is here. Great to be here. Great to be here. Thanks for having me. Houston, let's go. Houston home of Hakim Elijah one and fucking, I don't know, fat sex, I don't know. A lot of the so yeah, yeah, I looked up fun facts on the airplane about Houston and I said you guys eat out more than any other city in the world. So yeah, yep. This guy, that's not what I was talking about. I mean, I like fast food, but for sure. Yeah, yeah, right here later, hopefully in the Uber. Hell yeah. There is a lot of blacks in Houston and what I heard they don't eat out at all. That's not what I was talking about. But yeah, for sure. Yeah, they probably are. LTM Po is here. How many LTM Po fans to be about there? LTM Po. Gosh darn it. The home of the Colorado. You guys ever been to the Colorado before? It's a fun place. All right, you guys know how this show works. Everybody, if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry. Is there a gay part of Houston? They all said it once. What is it? Montrose. Oh yeah. You got to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry Montrose bear. Oh yeah, that's a big gay bear. A little southern twang on it too. Hell yeah. Oh my goodness. The first name has been pulled. And this is a very special show because since we have been in Texas for over five years now, we have accumulated many great Golden Ticket winners from the city of Houston, Texas. And tonight while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, starting off the show with a brand new minute for us is one of our elite Golden Ticket winners from Houston, Texas. He got his Golden Ticket, I believe, when he was 21 years old since then. He has worked as a bucky himself at a buckies. Make some noise. Starting tonight's show, Houston's own Enrique Chacone. Music plays Houston, Texas, how the fuck we feeling tonight? Yeah. This is looking like a racist Lakewood church, bro. What the fuck? I heard that ICE is killing white people now, man. What's up with that? You're telling me I can't even hide inside a Lulu lemon anymore? My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league, so I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue, so 2019 fucking bra rescue, 34 cats, bro, fucking. Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty, and that's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat too, man. Anyways, I have an Australian cattle dog, a blue healer at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply. I tell them I have a blue healer, and they're like, oh, my granddaddy had a blue healer. That's a very intelligent dog. That's a very hardworking dog. We have a beautiful moment, and suddenly they remember that their granddaddy wouldn't like him talking to me, and that's the end of the conversation. Thank you. Enrique Chacone. Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, buddy. How are you, my friend? How does it feel? This is the biggest crowd you've ever performed in front of in Houston, Texas? Yes, it is, bro. It's looking pretty fucking beautiful. Southwest, Ailey, Texas in the house! Southwest! Wow. What's the Southwest of Houston like, exactly? Southwest, Houston. It's a beautiful place where everybody says the N-word, no matter what ethnicity you are. Oh, perfect. That's why whenever I moved to Austin or started doing comedy, I had to train myself. Every time I wanted to say the N-word, I would snap a rubber band, you know, on my leg or something. But yeah, that's my hood, man. That's why I grew up. And yeah. I love it. I don't know all the different areas that well. I know I was able to convince Red Band to do this show because I said it's in Sugar Land, and he's like, oh, where did it go? That's close to candy, like. I'm not fucking mad at that, bro. My fat ass. We're going to turn Sugar Land into caramel, bro. What's up? Oh, my goodness. Enrique, why are you so fat? Tell us what you eat, exactly. Well, you know, a lot of straight guys eat pussy, Tony. That's what I do, you know? That's not what's making you fat. What are you putting on? Are you putting whipped cream on it or something? Or cream cheese or cottage cheese? What? You know... Protein powder? Duck eggs, chicken eggs, bro. We cook everything with lard, dude. This is a fucking normal thing. Dude, I eat chocolate candy eggs, the fucking catberry eggs, dude. I got fucking eggs and ham, dude. But you know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony, is Bisonet, bro. You got to go to Bisonet. What? Houston people, don't you fucking agree? What is that? Bisonet is the best neighborhood in Houston, Texas. Why? You'll have to explain. And if you're stuck in traffic in Bisonet, you might as well get your dick sucked, you know? It's a... I'll see you guys after the show. But I'm going to go to Southwest. I'm going to go between Bisonet and Southwest Houston so that I can say the n-word while getting my dick sucked. That is the American dream. Sounds like a beautiful plan, Tony. I love it. Enrique. Such a fun set. Ice, white people, lululemon. I love it. That ice shit got me terrified, Tony. Really? Yeah, it really does, dude, because I have something called the docostatus, which means that I'm a celebrity immigrant. You know, there's only 2,500 of us, man. I don't think you should be saying this. Fuck it. You know, I'm prepared for the consequences, man. That's why I'm trying to camouflage myself. I don't even drink modellos anymore in public, Tony. Perfect. I'm drinking Bush Light, bro. Like some of these river oaks, white guys, bro. What the fuck? Hell yeah. I love it. Are there any other white things that you're doing to try to hide out? You know, I'm reciting the 10 amendments, Tony. The 10 amendments? Sistently. Can you list them? One of those is the right to eat. Is one of them to dress like you look like you work at the Olive Garden? I look like Lissos waiter, bro. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking, bro? You look like you squeal when someone hugs you. You are absolutely adorable, Enrique, and you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and likability. Good job, man. You are from Houston, Texas. Thank you, Houston. And we got it started. How fucking lucky are you? Yeah. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. And now we go to the bucket, everybody. There are a lot of Houston local comedians that have been dying for us to make the two or three-hour trip up here, and now it begins. They get 60 seconds, and then I conduct an interview with them. Anything can happen. Sometimes people get a little bit shy in front of such a big group of people. So I'm going to try my hardest to find out crazy shit about your first bucket pool doing an uninterrupted set. Goes by the name of Max Wissinger, everybody. Here comes Max Wissinger to get the bucket started tonight. So I was making out with my girlfriend last week. Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I can't keep a girlfriend, all right, because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten-free. I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like, someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any. Apple fritter, straight to the shitter. Being gluten-free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster is when I'm taking a bath. Guys, come on. My therapist said I need an outlet. Thank you. Max Wissinger. Welcome, Max. Jokes about being youthful. How old are you, Max? I'm 27. Oh, wow. 27. I don't even have chest hair yet. Me neither. I'm 41. Max, how long have you been doing stand-up? So, one and a half years. But my first time was on this show like three, four years ago. Yeah, at Vulcan. Oh, okay. You made the drive down to Austin. You live in Houston? I'm in Houston now. I'm a developer for supplements. Wow, what kind of supplements? The ones that make you healthier that RFK Junior likes. Well, it doesn't look like you're taking any of them so far. It looks like you're taking the drugs that make you age backwards. It's a new Benjamin Button's compound. You need to eat more fruit by the foot. It's a kid's snack. That's what I mean by that. You look five. Yeah, I think they accidentally gave you estrogen. Right. Yeah. People call me RFK Junior. Yes. Aw. Which parent? What's the best supplement? I don't know what to ask you. You don't have to ask them anything, remember? Don't even take it away. Thank you. One of the funniest running jokes in the history of the show. If you look back, you can make a 45-minute long compilation of me looking at Adam going, well, he asks the people questions. That's why I wear a costume so it doesn't hurt his back. Max, tell us what's been going on in life since the last time you were on the show? Well, girls have been hitting on me lately with their cars. Yeah. You know, I think girls are so dangerous when they drive because they're too busy trying to look hot. Right? Like, I saw this one chick going 100 on the freeway, putting on mascara, swerving all over the road. I mean, hey, at least you died a bad bitch. I see what you did there. You snuck in a little joke. Comics on Lisa. Yeah, exactly. Well, Tony, funny you should ask. These women be driving crazy. Dude, you're perfect for cruises. Yeah. Yeah. Do you do that when you hang out with your friends about how you pitch bids? They're just like, dude, traffic was nuts today. You're like, yeah. And then you just turn and face a different wall and go, let me tell you about the 405. Everyone's like, dude, over here. You got jokes. I like it. What have you been on dates? Do you have a girlfriend? No, not right now. No, don't. When's the last time you hooked up with a chick? What's that like? What playground did you go to exactly? I think it was, no, I can't say that one. Yeah, you can. Come on. You almost gave the actual location of a playground. No, I was like, the Children's Museum, but that's what, that's where I didn't say it. Okay. So seriously, last time you were with a woman or boy or whatever you're into? It was last year, yeah, end of last year. So what happened then? What was that? Was that just a random hookup? Is this a little booty call? For some reason, that's funny when you ask like a youthful 27 year old. No, I was my ex-girlfriend, yeah, in Florida, yeah. Oh, you. I was living in Florida for two years. What made you move to Florida? My job, yeah, I was living in a retirement community. The weather was great. It was in the 70s, just like the people. Yep, I saw that one coming. Are we on a hidden camera show right now? The way you're launching into bits is amazing. Impractical no-jokers. I was like, I can't just get freaking roasted the whole time. I gotta. Yeah, I like it. You're on the, on the aggression. You're doing perfect, Max. Max, what's your ethnicity? What is a whistinger? I'm about to go into another bit. Well, if you, if you say that beforehand, it's very hard to do. I'm half Mexican and I'm half German. Uh-huh, go ahead. My Mexican half likes to cook spicy. Your other half likes to cook juice. No. Hey. Did I accidentally write a better joke than you had? Yeah. It's okay. This round goes to Tony. What was yours? I like to, my German half, okay, so my Mexican half likes to cook spicy. My German half likes to turn that bathroom into a gas chamber. Yep, you should take my, my, my, my. Yeah. Do it my way. What the fuck was, that was the most unholy-cost noise I've ever heard. That's the sound of, of what happens when your blood stops flowing. You did. All right, here you go, Max. Here you go, buddy. Bing-bong. Good job, dude. Max Whistinger has begun the bucket portion of the show. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. There goes Max, everybody. Luckily too far away for Adam's favorite handshakes over your old handshakes. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, almighty. The thoughts that go through my head when Heidi's on stage, it's unbelievable. Oh Jesus Christ. It's hotter. The old Houston butter cakes. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? It's real. It's real. Mm-mm. This podcast is sponsored by Tikovis. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. 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They're expert and friendly staffer at your service to answer any questions and help you pick out that perfect pair of boots. Right now, get 10% off at tokovis.com slash kill Tony. When you sign up for emails and texts, that's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash kill Tony. Tikovis.com slash kill Tony. See site for details. Tikovis, point your toes west. Hello, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Going online without ExpressVPN is like driving without car insurance. You might be a great driver, but with all the crazy people on the road these days, why would you take that risk? Every time you connect to unencrypted networks in cafes, hotels, airports, etc., your online data is not secure. Any hacker on the same network can gain access to and steal your personal data. It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone. Just some cheap hardware is needed. A smart 12-year-old or even red band could do it. Jeez, Tony, I love ExpressVPN. I use it when we travel, so I know my data is safe. ExpressVPN has its lowest prices ever, with plans starting at just $3.49 a month. That's $0.12 a day. Ooh, so price effective. That's right. It could take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past ExpressVPN's encryption. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected. No wonder it's rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge. Secure your online data today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Kiltony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S VPN.com slash Kiltony. To find out how you can get up to four extra months, ExpressVPN.com slash Kiltony. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake McFarland. Let's see what happens here. We're going to meet Jake Mc. Put your hands together for Jake, everybody. Jake McFarland. Very nice. Hey, Sugarland. I just want to start this by saying I'm five years sober and clean from white pussy. Yeah, wasn't a hard choice. White pussy tastes like nickels. Yeah, that's true. It's February, baby. Yeah, not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February and as a black man, I'm just going to tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah, I'm out there doing it. Yeah, I've been eating black pussy. Yeah, and I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago, and I was down there in them thick thighs. You know how it is. And I was down there doing my thing. You know, hey, but I was running out of air quick. All right, I come up for air. I go, she grabs me by the back of the head and goes, no, reparations, bitch. I was like, oh, fucking, oh, motherfucker. Yeah, I, uh, All right, he's gone his full length of time. Hi, Colin. How are you? When you're eating pussy, are you just making noises inside of a pussy? Grab that mic. I'm making a lot of noise. Yeah, I thought it was her gun. She was holding it to my head. That's true. Yeah. Are you really eating black pussy? Every chance I get. I mean, I'm telling you, when I get done with this, I'm sure there's going to be a line of them. So, you know, I, I'm looking forward to that. I have a question. Yeah. Go ahead. If white pussy tastes like nickels, what does black pussy taste like? Uh, like cocoa butter and original wings. Uh, follow up question. Hi, Adam Ray from comedy. Yeah, I think I recognize it. Thank you. Um, and a very good ratatata to you. Um, what, uh, how about Asian or Jewish pussy? I think if you like Asian women, you're secretly gay. And I don't know, let's play a game. I'll pull up a bunch of trannies from Asia and then just regular Asian women and we'll find out who's hot and who's not. All right, let's do it. Come on. I'm just saying, I think we know what's going to happen. Your boyfriend's going to look gay. Okay, so. Scan on that red circle for me there. Is this where the anvil is? The anvil from Looney Tunes? All right, you're cool. Let me ask you something, Jake. Where are you meeting these black women who's pussy you're eating? Anywhere I can. But like give us an example of where it's actually happening. I, uh, man, I do a lot of, so like, I'm a black comedian. Okay, why do you keep saying that? I am. I'm a black comedian. I was banned from all white comedy rooms until like six months ago. Why? He's a ginger. I am a ginger. Um, man, you really want to know? No, we're all right. Jake, I'm asking you, dude. Yes, I really want to know. We're on a live show. I don't know if you know that. There's 7,000 people out there, Jake. I do really want to know the answer to the question that the host of the show just asked you. Stand in the middle of the red circle, Jake. I'll keep it real. I'll keep it real. I'm going to stay right here. There you go. Just stay there. Okay, that's the target. Okay. Black people love to run. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not that black. Um, I, uh, honestly, I pulled a gun on a guy. Okay, tell us more about that, Jake. Yeah, okay. So I was at a comedy show. Uh, it was a black comedy show. Uh, you don't have those in Austin, but in Houston, it's when you go to a place and everyone's black. You know what I mean? Just pure, 100% comedy in LA for a couple of decades. Right. Okay, so you do. Okay, yes. And I was about to leave, but one of my buddies who had went on the show, he actually didn't get on the show. He got snuffed by another comedian. He started crying. He got a little drunk, threw a fit, walked out. And I was like, well, fuck him, right? But then I thought, you know what, I better smooth it over with the host. So I walk up to the host, but I left my keys and my trucks. We're out in the parking lot at this time. By the way, I want to preface this, preface this by saying I was at Carrington's. If you know what Carrington's is. That's the hood. Jesus fucking Christ. That's the fucking hood. Come on. Get to the point of the story, Jake. Anyway, my bad, my bad. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting time. This story better end with a rett-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. A different kind. Yeah. Okay. So get to the fucking story, Jake. Do you really want to know? Do you really want to know? Do you want me to be honest about what happened? All right, here we go. Come on. So I was out in the parking lot talking with the comedian and the host, and another comedian started talking shit, and I told him that he's being disrespectful, and he said, what are you going to do about it? And I said, take them glasses off. And he walked around his car, and I said, are we fighting or what? And he said, no, I'm just going to shoot your ass. I'm just going to kill your ass. The hood. This is streets. It was a black guy? It was a black guy. Right. Which is crazy, because when I pulled a gun on him and told him to take his hands out of the trunk after he popped the trunk to grab a gun, he closed the trunk? Damn. They don't like it when black people get guns pulled on him, I guess. Your story takes forever. This is like how hard it is for a woman to come. Thank you. It's incredible. Thank you, ladies. Wow. The moral of the story is, the moral of the story is, there's a moral? All right, go ahead. I put my gun back in the car after he closed the trunk, and he said he's calling the police. So I was like, okay, well, fuck him. Jesus, I thought I was black, but apparently he's not. This thing where you keep calling yourself black. I'm ginger. What are you talking about? I'm light-skinned. Why do you keep saying that? I could call, man, I could call my black friends right now. Do you say the word? No, no, I don't say the word. Then you're not black. No, no. What do you do for work? I'm a handyman. You're a handyman? Yep. What exactly do you specialize in? Woodwork and stuff like that. Ah, well, maybe you are black because they would work if they could work. See what I did there? Yeah. It doesn't make sense, but... My black friends call me Jigaboo Jake. Actually... All right. Okay, well, since you're so black, guess what? You're leaving with a little black jookbook. Jake McFarland, everybody. Can't catch. Not black. Not black. Not black. Not black. Not black. Not black. Not black. All right. Here to clean the slate. Oh, my goodness gracious. That's right. Since it's a road show, the great Valerie Bonn is here, everybody. Put your hands together for Valerie. She attends and works with us on every single non-Austin, and sometimes in Austin, but always on the road. Show. We have another Houston Golden Ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe it? Make some noise for him here with a brand new minute. It's Colin Sledge, everybody. You know him. A brand new minute from Houston's own Colin Sledge. OK, thank you. You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because they're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us ten fingers, so we're supposed to be finger-blasted and like all the time. OK. OK. I always tell girls you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time. But I always tell them, just be safe, you should pee during sex. Because I'm into that, hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I? Can I do one more joke? OK. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex, and it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. I'm not in contact with myself in the mirror. Not in like a narcissistic way. I just like to pretend I'm getting cucked by my evil twin. Wow. Colin Sledge in front of the hometown crowd. That is what every comedian hopes to do. Amazing, Colin. Fucking hilarious, as always. Thank you. What do you think your parents think about that set? They've seen it before, probably. Oh, nice. I love it. I love it. Tell us, what part of Houston are you from? I'm from Northwest Houston, by the Heights. Northwest Houston. Say the N word there, you might get in trouble. Yes. Different than Southwest. Uh-huh. I feel like I would get in trouble anywhere, if I said it. No, you definitely would. White people would beat you up if you said it. Colin, tell us about your experiences here in Houston, Texas. What else might people know you from? Did you ever have jobs here? Well, I used to work at the Galleria. What did you do at the Galleria? I worked at Express, you know. Express Galleria. Go ahead, write down whatever you're trying to do. He's got nothing. And then I worked at Willowbrook. Where? Willowbrook. It's like further northwest. It's kind of ghetto. Was that the Express at Willowbrook? Yeah, they moved me over there. They didn't like that. Look at you, transfer express employee. Worked for Lex Wexner, who was on the Epstein files. Oh, yes. He was, I never met him personally, but he did exploit my labor. I can't believe he didn't show up to one of his many locations in Willowbrook. Yeah, Willowbrook. Like there would be like stabbings every week at Willowbrook. And we would be like the only store that didn't even close. Right. Because white people need their skinny jeans. Exactly. I love it. I love it, Colin. What else is going on in life? I went shooting with Hans Kim and Dusty and Sportsman's Finest and stuff. How was that? It was fun. Everyone was very nice, especially when I had a gun. I never shot a fully automatic weapon before and they just gave me like an energy drink and a... And they were like, you're our friend, right? Welcome to Texas. I love it. I think they're hooking Kim up with a gun maybe at some point. They are. And I have one already. Yes, she already has one. So you have a lot of nice stalkers out there watching or listening to the show. I'm also a victim of that. Because it used to be if you search Creepy Kill Tony Guy, I would come up. To be honest, I'm on edge right now and when he came out, I was like, whoa. But you look like a nice stalker. Like you just stroke someone's cheek or something. Yeah. I would roof you a girl, but I would just hold her hand the whole time. So sweet. Yeah, you look like when you eat black pussy, you blow on it instead of going rat, tat, tat, tat. It's too hot for him. Yeah. Too hot. Yeah. Cool it down. Jesus. It's all this hot pussy. It's in his mouth like an airplane. Have you ever been with a black woman? No. Oh, jeez. Bring her out. Bring her out. She comes. Everybody. Oh, we had one ready. Wow. Why do you think you've never been with a black woman all the time here in Houston, a large populace of those people? Who's... I wasn't always good looking. I used to be, yeah. Oh my God, men are so confident. I mean, when he first got on the show, his hair looked different. Ever since he's been dating his girl, look at this hair he has right now. Yeah, she started taking care of me. I'm like a stray cat. That makes sense. How else has your girlfriend changed you? Is there anything else? You've been trimming your pubes and whatnot? No, she prefers that I don't do that. Ooh. Is there any other changes that she's made to you though? You know, people used to say girls like a neat place, you know, gotta be a very clean. And since I've had a girl, my place has never been messier in my entire life. So, yeah. They leave their stuff. So I used to be very organized and now I'm not so much. But it's worth it. Yeah, yeah, I think so. On balance. So, you get to dump loads. Well, vasectomy hasn't happened yet, but it's on the way. The what? The vasectomy. Oh. Yeah. I'm working on it. So I tried to, you know, I talked to the doctor and he didn't want to do it on me because I didn't have kids, but I don't want to have kids just to get vasectomy. And so I said, I'll go visit my niece in Honduras. My brother had a baby and then I'll come back. If I still want to vasectomy, will you give it to me? And he said yes. And then I did that and then I came back and I called him and he retired. So, I'm sort of back to square one, but it's, it's on the works. Call me insane, but I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a vasectomy. Like you could just find a different doctor. You can do it in Red Bay's VR world. I'll do it for you. I love it. Do you do drugs? Do I do, I just take weed gum. You look like you sell mushrooms to Scooby in the gang. That is true. That's my girlfriend's influence on me. Colin, you were absolutely hilarious tonight. Congratulations. Hometown crowd in front of your parents. You did it. We're getting back to the bucket. One more time for Colin Sledge everybody. And back to it we go ladies and gentlemen. In a world of noise and uncertainty, IG is the investment platform that backs you. Take a reflexable stock size, which gives you the freedom to withdraw funds anytime and replace them in the same tax year all without losing your £20,000 tax-free allowance. And if that's not enough, pay no commission on your stock shares and ETFs when you invest with IG. IG. Trade. Invest. Progress. Your capital's at risk. Other fees may apply. Tax treatment depends on individual circumstances and is subject to change. Your next comedian is Brandon Brown. We're going to meet Brandon Brown all together now. Put your hands together for Brandon, everybody. These people wait their whole lives for a moment like this. Holy shit. We're doing it. Mr. Henschliff, I got to tell you, I'm a big-ass fan. You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife, we're such big fans of Kill Tony that we role-play Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back. I'm like, oh, yeah. We're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it. And then sometimes, I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony. I'm like, oh, yeah. We're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kill Tony are the Asians, right? So sometimes I'll be back there going, oh, yeah, we're really going it, baby. Right? Oh, man. But it goes both ways, right? So sometimes, because she's like, I want to be Tony. I'm like, all right, you can be Tony. So I'll be eating her pussy, right? And then she'll go, we've done this a thousand times. You still can't hit the fucking buttons, right? Like, what the fuck? I've known you for 10 fucking years, and you still can't get it fucking right? Everybody, I'm Brandon Brown, and that's my time. We're really doing it, baby. Look at this guy. Are you pointing at your girl out there? Yes. Where's she at? Hey, we pay big money. We're right in the front row. I love it. I love it. How do you get big money? What do you do for work, Brandon Brown? I'm an insurance broker. I love it. Amazing. How long have you been doing that for? I've done it for about 40 years now. You are one of the buffest insurance brokers I've ever seen before. It's incredible. Thank you. Do you repo insurance? What's going on? Now I say, you're going to get some protection for your fucking family or what? Yes. Sometimes it works. Amazing. You look like Rogan if you stop doing the podcast. That's a compliment. I appreciate you. It is, man. Retired Rogan. You do. You really do. We're really doing it, baby. Have you, so you, how long did you practice that set a lot? I came up with that at 3.43 this morning. Because no one's going to dispute that. I was so excited. I was actually, so what's funny is I knew you were going to be here. We have a little connection, you and I. Now you have a stalker. No, no, no. So me and the wife spent a couple of years shows. Oh yeah. So when you were doing Dr. Phil, we'd come see you at Dr. Phil. We loved you and Dr. Phil. I appreciate it. And I sent you a Facebook message late one night. High as fuck. Sure. I try to respond to everybody. Did I get back to you? So, because me and my girl were like, I was like, I wonder if we can get married on Dr. Phil. And you and I went back and forth and a shit ton of messages and then my Facebook got hacked. And I could never get ahold of you again. Like we were like, you're just like, I'm more danged. Like, yeah, let's do this. Yeah, look it up. Brandon Brown in your phone. I'll take your word for a player, but don't tell me how to live my life after you dry hump the fucking stage. No, that's enough. No, stop it. You're going to have nightmares. Wait, so you guys got married? Yes, we did. Without you. Where'd you get married at? We did at the courthouse. Oh, okay. Yeah. Absolutely. And how many times have you beaten your wife since you got married? You know, it depends when the trend starts to kick in. I don't really remember, but you know. What does she do for a living? She is a nurse. Okay. You guys have kids? No, we do not. Are you finishing inside of her? Oh, every time. I got a, I got bad back. So I got a weak ass pool game. Like when I did this, like there's a reason why God didn't make me black. Yeah. How many times do you make her meow in bed? Oh, I'm very good at that. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom in real life? Are you usually on bottom because of your bad back? No. You know, man, she's going to kick my ass where I'm saying this. These are the good parts. These are the good parts. So I got very extremely lucky and I got hurt in Afghanistan. I took an armored plate to the left side of the dick bag. Hell yeah. Like my dick gets hard and like I can go forever because I have limited feeling, right? Oh yeah. So yeah, I normally just go till she gets tired and then I'm like, woohoo. Wow. Sometimes I hear her with a, yee-hee. I'm eating. But that's only when I'm Tony. That's incredible. Do you finish? Do you come? Yeah, I still come. How do you come if you don't have feeling? Yeah, it's only on like the left side, like my dick has feeling, but like I have like half the feeling that I had before. So like I go three times longer. The question was, what's your favorite TV show? Yeah. I don't know how we got on this tangent. Dr. Phil Live. I love it. So Afghanistan, that was a, what was it, you rolled over a IED? We got hit by an IED. Yeah. Oh my God. Okay. Can you take us through that? What was that like? Is it traumatizing for you or? Not for me. A lot of people have different experiences in the military. I was very lucky. We were more on the attack side of things. Yeah. So like we went out every day. We were part of an EOD group and like it was just like, who's going to get blown up today? We'd laugh about it. As long as nobody died, like it was just fun. It was just work. I miss it. We loved you. We love you for your service. Thank you. USA! USA! That's goddamn right. Greatest country on planet Earth. Amazing. Any other crazy stories from being on the other side of the planet? Oh yeah. So my favorite is, right, this made me think of you two. I did this at about four or two after I came up my bit. So I sent in like, what the fuck am I going to tell Tony? Well, then I was like, Mr. Hinchcliff, do I call him tone? Like that one guy. I'm like, so like I've been playing around. I'm just going to sit with Tony. The question was, what's your favorite food? Yeah, I'm getting around to it. Right. So we would deal with a lot of people who blew their self up being on an EOD team. And I had the magic ability. I would always find the dick. Like we'd be walking around looking for body parts and shit. I have that ability too. It's okay for you to find dick. It's weird when I find dick. Yeah. Hinchcliff. Okay. We're very, very antsy on this. I thought you'd like that, you know, that's probably something I'm calm. So give us an example of, you know, when people get blown up. Yes, I find a lot of dicks. Do you do what I do when you find it and immediately just, oh. Yeah, I picked it up with two sticks and I chased people around with it. Ah, I love that. You touched them in your game. I love that. Amazing Brandon Brown. Well, so much fun. Congratulations. You got to do it. Thank you. Right in the heart of the show. Thank you. Here's a big joke book, man. You fucking did it, dude. Another drop. Houston droppers are in the jet here. Houston can't catch a fucking cold. It's amazing. Okay. Your next bucket pool live in Houston, Texas, goes by the name of Mackenzie Joule. Everybody, here we go. Mackenzie Joule. We're here together for Mackenzie, everybody. Hey gang. Oh, yeah. I'm gay and autistic. So technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out. You know what I mean? I'm bisexual. That kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay, you know? Because when you're bi, that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, you're gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick. I'd be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like, damn bitch, this pussy giving me a sys right over low right now. I'm in the hole. I'm like, so when you story alert files, you're gay. I'm in the hole. I'm like, so when you story alert files, do you drop box or one drive? You know? I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling because I always just want to pay attention to the movie, you know? I'm like, babe, stop sucking my dick. This is the scene where Michael Keaton becomes the founder. Cool. Amazing set Mackenzie Joule. Wow. With a breakout performance. Welcome Mackenzie, you're hilarious. Thank you. How long you been doing stand up? I'm coming up on my third year, April. Fuck yeah, all of it here in Houston? Yes, sir. I love it. What part of town do you live in? I'm over in West Chase right now, but I was on the show before and I mentioned I grew up in the Fofa, Acres Homes. Okay. Okay, you're like if Mike Jones sucked on bones. Yeah. Amazing. That's one of my favorite, you know, there's a lot of gay autistic comedians, but you came out with energy act outs. You kept everybody's attention. Thank you. Guns of Blazin, absolutely incredible. Question for you, are you the new Blippi? Who's Blippi? That's what I asked myself just about a while ago. I'm Gen Z, but I don't, you know, I'm reformed from Tik Tok, you know. It's not autistic. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, it's not autistic. How old are you, Mackenzie? I am 23. 23 years old. What are the kids up to nowadays? I mean, other than fucking anything that moves. All the ones I know just, just hang out and are sad at open mics and shit. Yeah. What's the most, what do you think is the most autistic thing about you? What's like your specialty? Everybody has a thing. Some are good at chess. Some are good at numbers. This, that and the next. Honestly, I feel like I got fucked on the autism thing. I feel like I'm just like depressed, lazy autistic. Like. What are the superpowers you were hoping to obtain? I don't know. Being able to just have like one of those cool library brains that just knows a bunch of shit. You know, I fried my brains on, my brain on drugs, but I'm better now. What kind of drugs? I was hella into Coke. Really? Yeah. Adderall. I did DMT on stage one time. That's cute. But the Coke, I can't imagine. I've never seen like a nerdy Coke head before. Just, yeah, you know, and I was and I wasn't cool. What were you doing? You would get drunk with your pals or whatever? Yeah, just doing open mics for three people and shit, you know. Wow. Mackenzie, I swear to God when you came out, I thought you were a woman. Yeah. And I'm not going to lie. I'm still not sure. Can I? I actually, I lived as a woman for a year. I could tell. Yeah. Let's go to a clip. That's not a joke. Yeah, no, I believe it. Yeah, she actually made a couple of Netflix specials. That's Hannah Gadsby, everybody. Live, live flash. Incredible. So tell us about living as a woman for a year. By the way, I feel like this is every 23-year-old in the country right now. We're all going to die. Oh, the McChickens and shit got the fucking estrogen, you know. You got the estrogen? From the McChickens. What do you mean? I don't know. We're trying to fix that. Give her some time. RFK. RFK joining us in the McChicken Report. Yeah, but I just, I had pink hair. I worked at a comic book store. I was the happiest I ever was, actually. When you were a woman, tell us what you were doing to be a woman, though. You were putting on a dress, were you? Yeah. A hot topic, clearance sales. You were working at hot topic? No, no, but I would buy from hot topic a lot. What would you buy, exactly? Skirts and shit and cute little frog shirts and shit. Did you go buy Mackenzie? Yeah, yeah, it's a cool thing. Gender neutral name, you know. Can we see your tits now that you're not a girl? No, red band. Red band. See, you can't do that. Because that's harassment. When you ask somebody that's sharing things with us to show us their tits, whether it's a boy or a girl, that's disrespectful. And it's unacceptable in today's normal society. Can we see your tits? Yeah. Whoa, look at those. He's still a man, everybody. He kept the dude tits. No double scars for this guy. What pulled you out of it? You know, I started taking edibles and I just was on an edible and I had this ego death. That was insane. And I was like, wow, I'm kind of ugly as a woman. Yeah. That's amazing. I wish we could send that exact clip to every fucking half gay kid around the world right now. Oh, no clap. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. We keep an open mind, but at the same time, it's just contaminating everybody. Tell us, how do you think you were led down that path? You have liberal parents? They kind of let me run for, yeah, you know, I was homeschooled. Ah, yeah. I never went to high school, but I have a diploma that says certified improv badass. So that's something. Your parents made that for you? No, I did two years of improv for it, you know. Wow, that's the gayest thing about you. Yeah. Amazing. So what's your preference at the end of the day? You think you're 50-50 dudes and girls? Like what kind of body are you? 75-25? I honestly, my trap. What about pets? Pets. What do you mean with pets? You're an animal. Not into like sexually, no. Because you're giving off ferret vibes. Yeah. I'm a meerkat. I'm a meerkat. AI told me I'm a meerkat. Oh my God, he now identifies as a meerkat. Yeah. Okay, let's go back to the question. Where are we at? 50-50? 50-50, honestly my track record is mostly women, but I have probably fooled around with two guys and I've had one boyfriend. Ooh, tell us. First of all, let's give credit to the loud what the fuck from the Houston man. It sounded like he drives a truck for a living. Let's put a spotlight on Harry Homophobe up there in the third balcony. He made it all the way through until Mackenzie goes, I had one boyfriend. What the fuck? It better not have been in my neighborhood. I mean, you can buck them and all, but Jesus Christ saying you're in a buck in relationships days. You keep that Tizm Dick and that female haircut out of my cul-de-sac. Where's my Burger King? What the fuck? I'm going to have to drive to Southwest Houston just to scream the n-word in a field after this. So tell us. You were a woman and the gayest thing you said is that you had a boyfriend. Yeah. Tell us about this boyfriend. He actually came on the show one time. His name is Jackson Nami. Nobody cares about that. Tell us about your boyfriend. That was him. It was fine. It was okay. I have a girlfriend now. I like it better. Tell us why you like it better. Well, something softer about women. It almost seems like that's what your biology wants, isn't it? Yeah, right. Wow. Well, it turns out we're all natural human animals. My goodness. Gracious. You almost said the first dick you ever and then I cut you off. Let's go back to that. The first dick I ever sucked was black. Oh. Wasn't that a duty bloom book? The first dick. It was that ginger guy. Right. Yeah. Tell us about this black dick you sucked. How exactly does that happen and were you just bullied and he forced it into your face? Great job, Donny. You know, I thought, because he had, like, magic, the gathering cards, the dick would be, like, kind of, like, not that much. You were playing magic with a black guy? No! Was it Magic Johnson? I just thought, because he had... I just thought, because he had the cards, he would be like, it wouldn't be that, but it was big and I didn't do it good, probably. When you say you didn't do it good, probably. What exactly do you mean, sir? Hold your what the fuck? You know, it just has to be a show for a minute. I'm gonna go get another drain before this fucking answers that question. Give me a mic, hard lemonade. I don't care if he's hard, I ain't gay. Can't even twist a tweet. Tweez, twinks, tw... What? Twisted T's are called tweez, maybe twink, joke, whatever. Okay, well, stick with me over here. Okay, okay. When you say you can't do it, what exactly do you mean? I just feel like I remember half-assing it. Yeah, like it was Toothy, probably. Ooh, rat-tat Toothy over here. Amazing. Toothy probably means 100% Toothy, by the way. If you think your teeth might be hitting it. Toothy was the name of the black man. Toothy Jenkins. Wagriss, you're the name of the black man. Yeah. Toothy Jenkins, wide receiver, University of Alabama. Number 34, Toothy Jenkins. Wide receiver. Amazing. Amazing stuff. Mackenzie, you are doing such a fucking good job. Great answers, great interview. Yeah. Great set, right, man? Mackenzie, if you're ever in Austin, I'll have you on the secret show. Hell yeah, dude! Your book on a Thursday in Austin. The gay guy caught it. The first local to catch a joke book tonight was a bisexual 23-year-old, let the record show. That guy will catch any type of... any type of... Toothy. Thank you so much. Have one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody. Are they not... Every time shit gets a little too gay up here, we're gonna take them up here to remind us all what we're into. Right after you're done picturing a boy giving a Toothy blowjob to a fat black cock, Heidi and Val are here to remind us all that we're straight. Here we are, two bucket pools, and now I present to you yet another boy born and raised on the outskirts of Houston, Texas. You know him very well. While never officially being a Golden Ticket winner he became famous for being funny offstage and then starting comedy on Kill Tony and then growing nonstop and now he's to the point where he's headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own Uncle Laser! City of Syrup, Scrooge St. Texas, how we feeling tonight? Goddamn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best sound of everybody at Goddamn Rodeo's and big fat black women in them goddamn jeans and jeans shorts just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait. You ain't lived until you see somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning, I tell you what. And you got them Caterford Tortas, them big-ass category for tortas, walking around in airbrush shirts. Says R.I.P. Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog, looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I pissed drunk out there last night and I shacked up with this creature, you know? I said, where you from, baby? She said, I'm from the Bayou, Louisiana Bayou. I said, fucking Buffalo Bayou. That's where you from, you're from fucking. But there I am in the back of her Ford Focus, okay? Guttin' that pig in fuckin' Lottie, all right? And she goes, baby, you gonna make this pussy fought? I said, dude, what? He said, you gonna make this pussy fought? I said, keep your fuckin' boys down. Keep your boys down. I said, where you asking me? She goes, you gonna make this pussy shit? I text my mom, I said, hey, I met the Houston Life Shark Soul Roadie, I need you to come get me real quick. You gonna have to come get me. Hey, security man, you ever made a pussy fought? Strong and silent type, I like that. Saxophone, you ever made that pussy fought? What'd that sound like? No, that ain't it. That ain't it. You need to see a doctor, that ain't it. Michael Gonzalez, you ever made a pussy fought? What'd that sound like, boy? Michael, good job ladies and gentlemen, my name's Uncle Lazer, I'll be great. Uncle Lazer, I don't even know where to begin with that manic wild set, but it was very, very awesome, great stuff. Tell the people watching the podcast around the world what you're talking about, about the Houston Roadie, which is an annual super weekend that just so happens to be right now. Right now, you know, they got Indians, Mexicans, blacks, white, pretending like country dressing up, pretending to know what they're doing during the roadie, it's fun, man, you get pissed drunk at the Astrodome, you can buy an art, it's great, man. The little elementary kids draw art shit, you can bid on it, I bought a horse there last year. Wow, you got the place running wild right now. Yeah, baby. What the fuck, guys, enjoying himself right now. Oh yeah. Wow, so, so you're hooking up with a big girl, and she said, can't make this pussy fought. Fought, she's Louisiana, it's occasion. But like, they speak their own language. So like, that means fuckers so hard that a bunch of air gets in there? Yeah, so it's like the proper no-inclature is queef. Right. And fellas, if you ain't never had it happen to you, why is this side, it's gonna startle you at first. It feels like when you put two magnets together and it pushes you away. And I told her once, what the fuck was that? And she goes, that's my pussy leaving you a review. Oh, my God. I said, bitch, I said, bitch, I hope you fucking crash in the Brassus River when you go home. Wow. Absolutely incredible. It is unsettling when a woman does that. Yeah, it's just, I had a girl go, you did this to me. Like, yeah, well, but listen, this is the one rule of thumb, when it, if it smells, she actually farted. You hear me? Yeah. I did give away every time. Yeah, no doubt about it. I'm interested to hear what the other horn players might think a pussy fart sounds like. We only got the saxophone. What else, do we have anything from you guys? Is there another pussy fart noise that you guys can, can muster up? Okay. You know I need that sweet, sweet trombone down there. There it is. That's it. That's what I like. We found a winner. That smells gonna hit about five seconds after that one. Yeah. That's the old regular old fart. Fart. Amazing. So this beautiful beast from Wubiesiana that you made love to, how does an event like that end for you? You just, you get her an Uber, like, where, this took place in a car? In Ford Focus. That's in Ford Focus. Oh yeah. The primary vehicle of most Louisiana people. Balling on a budget. Yeah. So you're in the backseat of the Ford Focus? We're getting laid the front seats down. And it, I mean, it was getting hot and heavy, because it's heavy, you know. Yeah. At one point I tried to lift her up, all of my fucking leg was going numb. I put my hand up on her window like Titanic, you know, sending it back at the scene. So, yeah, I miss home, you know. That's Houston for you. That's it, man. I actually lost my virginity in about six minutes down the road in a little trailer, like a colonia down there. Wow. Richman Rosenberg, you know. Tell us about that. Tell us, what was your age and which relative was it? I was, buddy, I was 12 and, Holy shit. The Mexican girl was 14, the black dude was 16. Wait, hold on a second. There was guest stars in this? Was Mackenzie Jules sucking his cock while this was happening? Was the black guy getting a toothy blow job in the corner? Yeah, make that pussy five. Come on, ladies. So, like, I stole my mama's Jeep, I stole my mama's Jeep during Garakie, and we drove down to there. We got in the window, and he's like, I'm going to let you go first. He's a gentleman. And when I got in there and I'm just fooling about, just happy to be there, I have no idea what I'm doing. About 15 minutes go by, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I turn around, this big beautiful black man just necked just a foot of dick on him, you know. It looked like when you take the fucking shitty pictures of your kids out of your wallet and unravels, it was, and he's like, let me show you how it's done. And they start fucking, and I'm just sitting there like, you know, I know what to do. And he, you know, in the trailer houses, you know, they're kind of flimsy, you know, and he's fucking up against a wall, and they fell through that little plywood wall shit into her, her Thea's room. Oh, my God. And then she starts hollering in the language I don't understand, and then fucking, we jump out of the window, and I get so nervous. I actually stole my mama's Jeep off in the ditch, and cop came and shit, and my mama took me home. They took the black dude, Joe Turner, he was actually 47. So that called everybody. I made that part up, god damn it, I made that part up. It's true, there aren't real black pedophiles. A little fun fact, you'll never see a black pedophile and also a fun fact, black people do not sneeze. I hope you guys know this, but it's a real thing. John Dees, can you confirm this? Have you ever sneezed before? I just did. I've actually never seen him really sneeze. Yeah, he's joking, but have you ever really sneezed? Yes. Shut the fuck up. I know black people can't have Down syndrome either. That's a fact. They all can get sickle cell, but you can't get to retardation stuff. That's a fact, god damn it. Anyway, I missed home. The only kind of Downs black people get are first Downs on the football field. Am I correct everybody? Am I correct? Toothie Jenkins, University of Alabama. Uncle Laser, to watch you grow, set after set on this show is an anomaly. Hometown, baby. It's incredible. In his hometown, six minutes away from where he lost his virginity, in a trailer with a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old black man. One more time for Uncle Laser everybody. That's from Swain Houski! Back to the bucket, we go. And your next bucket full goes by the name of Kyle Clinton everybody. Kyle Clinton. Oh my goodness. Not a hamper idea as well. Chimney Cricket. That's a real ass. She works out every week. Here's Kyle Clinton everybody. My big brother recently told me he got a vasectomy. And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banked my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus I had a big brother. Like six cousins. My family had some real stiff competition. Growing up in Kentucky, sometimes people think I was brought up Baptist. But I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a Crystal Methodist. Thank you everybody. I'm Kyle Clinton. Kyle, motherfucking Clinton, has done it again. Always funny. Love your delivery. Love everything about you. How you feeling Kyle? I feel fantastic. Thank you everybody. Sugarland! Have you been here before to Sugarland? I have. I saw Chris Rock in here. I saw Jay Leno in here. At this venue? At this venue. Smart financial center. I love it. Amazing. Is this Houston where you're from? Yeah, I grew up in Eastern Kentucky. But I live here now. What made you choose Houston? Work. Perfect. But now fun? Yeah. What do you do for work? Well, I was managing shopping centers and right now I'm substitute teaching. Okay. What shopping centers were you managing at the time? Perhaps Woodlands or something? What? Something that was called? Most of them were in small towns. I worked for a guy whose family owned a chain of department stores in this area and throughout Texas. Clares. Weeners. What's weeners? Weeners. I know some people out there are familiar. Stop saying that. You're making me hard. What is that place? So everybody got their school clothes growing up, apparently. Really? Yeah. You guys got your school clothes at a place called Weeners? Woo! Right now that guy up there is like, What the fuck? Right Aid wasn't open. Wow. I just thought they started selling kids weeners recently. Society. Media. Propaganda. It's a whole thing. Kyle, I loved your bisectomy joke. Did you really do crystal meth? Yes. I have 13 years not doing it. But yes. How did you end up starting? Explain to me, I've always been curious. How does one start doing crystal meth? Being very distracted is where I start. Okay. Can you give me an example of what you mean? Well, thinking about other things. Having to cram for a test and then taking Adderall and then advancing whenever I did not have Adderall. Right. Because crystal meth can fill in for Adderall. For those of you that are running a little low on Adderall, just remember. Just substitute. Isn't crystal meth though? You see shit? Like ride the snake and shit like that. If you take enough Adderall, you'll see shit. But tell us about it. Okay. Should I? No. I mean, so I had neighbors who could get it and that became an option for me whenever I was out of Adderall. You know, a good neighbor to help a guy in need. So some neighbors give you baking soda. These neighbors like, what's up, crystal meth? Deep Park. Yeah. And I don't know, it works. What's the wildest thing you've ever done on crystal meth? Oh, that's a very good question, Tony. That's an excellent question. Look through your pee pole a lot to outside. Yes. Let your students dress you with their hand me downs from wieners. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Searching through the carpet naked looking for more maybe. Ooh. Why naked? 3 a.m. Why naked? Because porn's on. Oh, okay. What kind of porn you watching on crystal meth? Anything crazy? What's the wildest porn you've ever watched? That's a great question. Penguin porn? Straight porn. Interracial porn. Ooh, right. Getting warmer. Now say the truth. Yeah. Clowns and midgets. You know, I hate to say this. This might not hit unless you're up close. You do look like the clown from It on his day off. I'll tell you, thank you. Facially. Perfect. Perfect. I get told I look like a lot of people. Some of you said I look like Charlie Kirk this week. Ooh. Not great. Not great. Not great. Not great. I got Mr. Bean. Yep. I was like, wow, middle schooler knows Mr. Bean. I was impressed. Yeah. What are you substitute teaching exactly? Everything. All grades. You the guy that puts on like a video? Sometimes. We watched a video. Yeah. But sometimes you try to go with the current program. I try. Yeah. You ever throw on some interracial porn just to see what they... No, never. Just make it small talk. I was called Mr. Epstein this week. Also not great. Not great. Yeah. But I was surprised they knew who that is. What did you have to do to get that moniker? Walk around. Wow. Just be me. Do they bully you? Yes, they bully me every day. The middle schoolers. I was called a pussy ass bitch. Ooh, there we go. Okay. The guy that called you, the kid that called you, that what did he look like? What race was he? He was black? Yeah. Bacon soda. There you go. Do you fire back? I did not. Oh, you had a word you could have used. I did. Depending on what part of Houston you were in, yeah. So when they call you... Why did that kid call you a pussy ass bitch? Was there a context to that situation? He said I disrespected him after I told him that... Oh. I said, this is an A-B conversation. You can see your way that way. Wow. Black people hate the alphabet. Yeah. He's like... He's like, I'm gonna stay in it. And I was like, hey, come over here and tell the coach what you said. I tried to rat him out. Are you tattled, you fucking pussy? You really are a pussy ass bitch. Yeah, I am. That kid was right. Wow. You're like, say it to his face. Because I'm too big of a pussy to say it. That's right. Okay. You are patient, but I would like to see you or hear about you snapping on one of the kids. Because I feel like there's, for every patient's sweet, you know, affable dude is a streak of rage. Oh, certainly. It feels like it's building up within you. You seem like the kind of guy... You might be the first ever teacher that is the school shooter. Oh, God. I think it's only a matter of time. No, it would be a first for those of you keeping track. No teachers, almost 85% trans people nowadays are the shooters. So it could be, the odds are higher that it would be Mackenzie Jewel than Kyle Clinton. Now I have an intercom. I have to get louder than them. I have to get my voice above there so they can hear me. But I can't, yeah, do anything. Like shut up pussy. The kid that called you Mr. Epstein, did it make the class laugh because your real name is Mr. Clinton? I'm starting to make that connection in my head right now. Is that what it was? Ah, Mr. Clinton. Wow. Look at that. Those kids are smart. That guy wasn't even president when those kids were born. Okay, you had a great set, Kyle. We absolutely love you. Here's a big joke book. Boom. Woo! We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun out there? How about the upper balcony? Are you guys having fun? Ooh la la. Whoa. My goodness gracious. All right. Onward we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. It is Nunzio Gianni, everybody. Nunzio. Ooh, a little pop, a local pop for Nunzio. How we doing today, Yusin? Awesome. My name is Nunzio Gianni. I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday. So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or if Miami. I know the strippers are amazing. I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16. My reading was actually really hard. 16 and 18, early 20s, because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me. But I guess I got a taste in some strippers and hoes, so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My ethnicity is kind of hard to pick when I come to Texas. I'm either Mexican or colored, so... Guys, I'm really nervous, guys. This is my first time. Fuck. All right. I'm going to cut you off there. Nunzio Gianni. This is the first time Kyltoni's had its own halftime show, everybody. How exciting to have an illiterate Puerto Rican up here, responsible for entertaining us. Absolutely amazing, Nunzio. He's the worst bunny. Yeah. That's good. Bad, funny. Okay, Nunzio, did you prepare for this at all? You know, I did. About a year ago, I wrote a minute. We were supposed to come for my birthday, but I didn't review, so... You didn't review. Puerto Rican's are lazy. Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's all right. That set was garbage. It was. It was certainly garbage. Okay. Nunzio, let's at least try to salvage this in the interview portion. How old are you? I'll be 22 next week. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a mortgage broker. A mortgage broker? Jesus. God, is that what you wanted to do? No, but I do want to do it now. I kind of find myself into it, and I do really like it, because I genuinely do have the opportunity to help people. You're into it? Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. I'm looking at a lot. It's a 16,000-seat venue in LA in May at the Netflix's Jokefest. You said Intuit. It made me think of the wild success that I got by not being a mortgage broker and chasing my dreams. Right. Amazing. So, you seem like a decent-looking guy, right? What's your love life like? A little difficult. You know, I'm really busy with work a lot of the time, but... Whoa, guys, come on. You guys think I'm not laying some pus? Give me a break. Oh, my God. Laying some pus? You guys don't think I'm laying pus over here? Huh? I'll tell you. Look, I'll tell you honestly, Miami's a tough place to genuinely find somebody. What are you talking about? It's literally like, it's always hot. It's like everyone's humid, and they're pulling out their pussy all the time. It's just women. Oh, no, I love it. It's great for me to have a good time, but in terms of... But you're trying to settle down. No, I would appreciate a girl to like kick it with, you know what I mean? But you can't find one. Miami's tough. Okay, you just keep saying Miami's tough. Well, especially for me, guys, I moved to Miami when I was 16, so... Where did you move to Miami from? I'm trying to save you here. If you just focus on me, pretend like it's just me and you in the room. But don't be gay about it. All right. Okay. So where are you trying to find good women at in Miami? Where are you going to try to find them? Or what are you doing? Are you on the apps? No, I don't like the apps. No. Usually, usually at strip clubs. Just focus over here. Focus over here. Oh, you're trying to find a good girl at a strip club? Well, you know, sometimes you can find a good one. Have you ever found a good one at a strip club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. My mom actually works in a lot of the major clubs in... Your mom works at major strip clubs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does your mom do at the strip clubs? Well, she does not strip. I want to make that clear. Okay. She's a VIP host. The crowd was hoping for that to be your one redeeming fact. Yeah. Everybody wanted her to be like a 35-year-old stripper that shoots ping-pong balls out of her ass or something. No, she's...fuck it. Fuck yeah. I just made the what the fuck guy come in his pants. All right. There's got to be a saving grace here, Nunzio Gianni. I'm trying to save you here. Give us one fun fact about you or your entire life that will win over the entire crowd here in Houston, Texas. There has to be something that you've done, some accomplishment, something. He's looking to his family like this is the price is right. He's looking for advice in section 101 here. I grew up in a funeral home. Oh, you grew up in a funeral home. Okay. How did you grow up in a funeral home? Tell us about that. It was my great-grandfather's funeral home and then it became my mother's. She handled it for the most part. Your mom was working at a funeral home and strip clubs. You were working at a funeral home, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a dad in your life? You know, I did. It was kind of difficult, but yeah, I did have a dad. What do you mean it was difficult? I was split between two households. So, yeah. Let's check in with Hall of Famer Adam right here. I'm going to see what's going on in your head. Yeah, this is not great. What's happening? But you know, you're staying in the pocket. I got to give you some credit. You're not like, you know, crying or turning and running out through the curtains. So it is tough to be up here. What the people at Booming don't realize is it is tough to walk out here and even fucking fry. Yeah, sure. You know, but this has been pretty bad. But you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Can we ask Harry Homophobe what he thinks up there in the third balcony? Hey, what the fuck guy? What do you think about Nunzio Gianni? Only that guy and everyone else be quiet. Everyone else be quiet and here we go. Okay, a bunch of people tried. We knew that was going to happen. I think you have a lot of guys have an opinion about you. Let's check in with Kim Congdon here. Well, I just, I just really noticed something and maybe I could give a little piece of advice. You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican, but you're like the energy you're giving is like coke head, frat bro. Like I think you need to lean into more who you are. Like what's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about you? What is the most attempt? Well, let's start with Puerto Rican here. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Um, I, you don't recycle. You didn't work on a joke for a year. Um, I like the dance. Okay. You know what, Michael and Michael in the horns, give us a little Puerto Rican something here. Not that much. Come on. One, two, three, four. Oh, there it is. Hey, that's what they're good at everybody. There you go. That's good. That's good. All right. Stop. That's enough. It's unbearable. Oh shit. There's ice. Okay. I'm gonna go get my book. Oh, right off the chest. Thank you. I mean, if you're going to boo, you might as well boo. There you go. Get it out of your system. The good news is this is working out the flow of this show is working out perfectly because coming off of, oh my God, Valerie Vaughn. Like I said, every time someone struggles, there's always something there to clean up the mess. It's working out great after every golden ticket winner or regular or whatever we've had so far. Someone does good and then someone does bad. And then I always have something to clean up the mess. This is another one of those situations. Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian won a golden ticket live in an arena on Netflix on New Year's Eve. She is with us here tonight. An absolute sensation. Makes the noise for one of the newest stars of Kill Tony. This is the Houston debut of Young Everyone. You know her. Little, little Chinese devil. What's up, Houston? We just finished the Black History Month. Fuck Black History Month. Fuck Asian Heritage Month too. Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question too. Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, Pacific Islander. In Asian countries, we just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders. Thank you. Boom. Another exact minute from Young. Very funny, great stuff. It is true, you guys keep your bloodline pure. Very. Remind us, how long have you been in America? Since 2012. Okay. Is there anything that surprised you about all the white people that you saw all of a sudden? I think white people are very good at being functional and drug addicts. I snorted cocaine for 10 years and I'm helping people with the health care. That is amazing. That was pretty good. It's like RFKG. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I look at it. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I look at it. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I look at it. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I look at it. It's like RFK Junior and you're like PF Chang's Junior. I think I met you at the Rubin Tug about six days ago. I love it. Too soon. I love you, Adam. Can I please get on Dr. Phil Live? There you go. Sure. She wants to be on Dr. Phil Live. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Your introduction to all different types of cultures was here in America. In China there really is basically just Chinese people. After meeting black people, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? I've done a lot of black things. I was trying to save up for a dog challenger. Oh my God. Black as hell. That is tonight's Doritos, joke of the night. I was actually, I aborted a half black baby. That was pretty bad. You did? Yeah, yeah, rest in peace, LaQuincia. Oh my God. Damn it. What's the worst thing about LaQuincia? She'll look like King Condom. That is true. That is amazing. Oh goodness. No, I'm just kidding. I never had abortions. My mom did though. My mom had three abortions before me. Wow. Let's go to a clip. We don't have it. We don't have it. Why did your mom have three abortions before you? She just hated my dad. They abort the girls. Not anymore. Now they need girls. Now they have too many boys. Right. Yeah. It backfriended. That is stuff. I love it. Now, one thing that we've learned about you, young, because you've had a lot of appearances since you became a Golden Ticket winner on New Year's Eve, is that you're a very sneaky roaster. You make fun of people. Has anyone ever roasted you? I mean, I get attacked online on the time. People trying to say shit online on the time. But I don't take it personally. But one time, in this country, it's hard to survive. One day my mom called me. She's like, why are you here? You're struggling. She said, nobody's going to help you. You'll never find anyone that will truly love you in this country. And that kind of hurt. I'll help you. Oh, look. You got Red Band here. Red Band has been stalking me online. He follows all my social media. I see him popping on my TikToks, suggests the account. Yeah, well, your name is his type of girl. Only fans. You went from bread line to the bread line. Yeah, I'm not concerned. I think Red Band's like his face is getting dark. I was concerned that his wife is being slowly poisoning him because... Could be. A lot of late night home cooked barata cheese. Gives me a lot of pills. No, she's going to play the sound effect at his funeral. Cha-ching. Money. Cha-ching. Only you can say that. I got in trouble for saying that once. I can say it. Let me say it. Hell yeah. Just like how you point cam. Young, you are hilarious. Adam, is this your first time seeing Young? First time hilarious. I met you at the mothership a few times, but very funny to see you live. Great job. This is your first time in Houston. I happen to know for a fact you had your first time ever at a Buc-ee's on the way here. Oh, yeah. What did you think about Buc-ee's? Well, everything is bigger and better in Texas. Oh, smart. Hell yeah. I love Texas. I feel like she's brandering. What? Okay, Puerto Rican, together we cause the most traffic in America. You could do something. Red light, yellow light. That's what I call you too. Young, you are a gem. You're so different than everybody else. I just see a little superstar every time I see you. How about one more time for Young, everybody? Let's keep it moving along. We have our first one-word name of the night. Now, these always historic, historically, if you end up looking at the statistics of the last 13 years of Kiltoni, you will find that the one-word names are always, always a little something. They're either brilliant, insane, anything can happen. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kiltoni debut of Smithy, everybody. S-M-I-F-F-Y, Smithy. Oh, hell yeah. Here we go. Sup, niggas? You guys are easy. Y'all ever try to be friends with a gay person? I have, because I'm progressive, but you gotta watch out for them. Because them niggas, they will try to fuck you. Like, I went out with Buddy and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time, but he waited until I got good and drunk. And he started trying to challenge me to, like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you I could beat you in a dick-sucking competition. And that shit really blew me, because I'm like, there's no way I'm gonna lose to a f***. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay. I'm just competitive. Listen, times are changing. Times are changing. We got old nigga Y.N.s now. Like, I don't know if y'all ever thought about this, but whatever happened to old black people? They used to be in the church. They used to give great advice. An old nigga at my job last week came up to me and he was like, where the hell's that? Nigga, your kids are the hoes. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, that was my time. Smithy. Fuck yeah, Smithy. Welcome, welcome. What's up, Tom? How you doing, buddy? How long you been doing stand-up? About a year. I love it. All here in Houston? Uh, no, I started in Savannah, Georgia. Okay. Is that where you're born and bred? No, I'm from Connecticut. Okay. Wow. The rare, very rare Connecticut black. What made you move to Savannah? Um, I don't know, I just got out. I was living in Missouri. I was in the military. So, like, after living in Missouri, being around, like, like white country people, I was like, I want to be surrounded by black country people. Hell yeah. What branch in the military did you swing from? Oh, wait. You bitch, you bitch you. I got you. No, but seriously, what did you do in the military? Black ops? Oh, yeah. Black cock down? All right. This guy's good. Yeah, go ahead. Now I was in the Army. Okay. What did you do in the Army? The real man. You said what? What did you do in the Army? I was a mechanic. Nice. Okay. Awesome. Did you serve overseas at all? Uh, just Korea. Oh, wow. Like a little bit in, like, Kuwait. What was Korea like? Did you get to have any fun out there to go out? Not at all. Really. Honestly, it was like the most depressing time of my life. Tell us about that. Why? Uh, so I had an X at the time and we had broke up. So I was just in Korea, just heartbroken, just eating chicken, getting explosive diarrhea. It was, it was really, it was really, it was a, it was a trying time. Like I got to buy like a bunch of, they have like all the clothes there. So it was like, I got to get like a bunch of drip. It was cool. Okay. Korean drip. Yeah. Amazing. Okay, Smithy. Now, do you live here in Houston now? Uh, yes, sir. What made you move to Houston? Uh, honestly, your show. I just didn't have any money to move to Austin. See, you moved to Houston. Three hours away? It takes money, Tony. Do you sign up for Kill Tony sometimes? Uh, actually, I've only, this is my second time. You signed up once in Austin, didn't get up? Funny enough. It's like, I didn't go to Austin. I went to LA to like the forum show. Interesting. Yeah, but I didn't. Why did you pick LA? I don't know. I just, I was just trying it. I was like, I don't know. I'm like, sometimes I like trying my luck. I was like, this might work out. It worked out tonight. Yeah. Amazing. So you live here in Houston now. What do you do for work? Uh, I'm a truck driver. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm bringing sexy back. I love it. I love it. Uh, when, uh, when people drive by you and go like this, do you honk the horn? Not only that. Okay, okay, Red Bam. We know you have a sound board. Thank you. Only little kids. Right. You're a grown-ass man is, get the fuck. Really? Because I do it. I do it all the time. Me too. Like this? Oh, you son of a bitch. No, you son of a bitch. I swear to God, you do that one more time. I'm going to give you the toothiest blow job you've ever gotten in your life. I'm telling you, tooth, tooth are false. Don't threaten me with a good time. Okay. You relax. You relax, Smithy. All right. Um, okay. So why haven't you made the drive to Austin? If you moved to Houston for kill Tony, why haven't you made the drive to Austin to sign up? Cause it's like, I be working man. It's like, it's hard. It's like, I'll be tired and I got insomnia. So I'm like always tired. I'm wearing these, people think I'm wearing these guys cause I'm lit. I'm just tired. Okay. That's the same reason why D madness wears his. Not a lot of people know that. Not blind. He's just tired sometimes. How do you stay awake if you're driving the truck for so long? Caffeine. Yeah. I'm wired. What do you, exactly? Do you have a special regimen that you go through? Uh, I just usually, to be honest, it's probably not healthy. It's like, just like, thermogenics and like Celsius. Okay. Yeah. Thermogenics, Celsius. Those are your cousins' names? Yeah. You know what's funny? I actually been trying to, like, I don't know how to pronounce your name. Is it Kim Condom or it's Kim, how do I say it? It doesn't matter. Okay. Sorry. Smiffy, do you have a girlfriend now? No. What's your dating life like? Uh, to be honest, I like, I'm pigeon toad. So it's like, I don't get a lot of girls cause of that. Like, when I walk, it's like, let me see. Put the mic in the mic stand and then walk past Michael's drums. Walk that way. Sweet ass. That's not bad at all. Alright, walk back towards me. Damn. I know I can't. Yeah. Fun fact, he did shit his pants halfway on that walk. You're pigeon assed as well. Anyway, you think that's what's stopping you from having a girlfriend? Uh, probably. Wow. No, it's not. It's amazing. When's the last date you went on or something? Uh, I don't even know. How long have you lived in Houston? Probably like two years. Two years. Because I was like 50 bucks to just go outside. So I was like, I just play video games. Don't you make money driving trucks? Yeah, but it's like, I gotta save it. For what? For my dog. You have a dog? Yeah. For your dog's drinking habit? What are you buying for your dog that he needs so much money? He's spoiled, man. Yeah. What are you getting? I'm a black guy. So I don't dress like a black guy, but... Oh, I remember. He's saving for... Diamond-accrusted chain. He's saving up for a dog's challenger. Yeah. Yeah. What do you spend your money on? Give us some fun things that you... A belt? Yeah. Okay. You stole that, but what do you spend your money on? What kind of dog do you have? He's a hound slash boxer mix. Okay. A jumpy little fucker. Yeah. Why not a pipple? Well... That is a racist question, Red Band. And when you say things like that, it makes people of color not want to sign up for the show. Why not a pipple? They have, like, pet laws. Like, so they have an aggressive breeds policy. So if you're saying, like, apartment complexes, you can't, like... Yeah, you can't have certain dogs. Right. So instead, you got a boxer hound. Wait, you said what? Nothing. Smithy, give us one more fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. I just found out a couple weeks I'm a dancing ass nigga. It's like... Me too. I could tell. Usually we could spot our own. When you say you're a dancing ass friend of ours, what exactly do you mean? It's like I was walking in, like, a H.E.B. a couple days ago. And, like, I had my... Make some noise for H.E.B., ladies and gentlemen. I mean, it can't go... I will not let it be mentioned without giving it its own special time on the show. It is just an unbelievable anomaly. We were talking about it literally on the way here, on the bus here, because we stopped at Bucky's, which is a national treasure. And the conversation just comes up every goddamn time. Texas has the best gas stations. We have the best grocery stores. We have just the light. Winter lasted two weekends this fucking year. It is unbelievable. Tell us about this trip to H.E.B. Yeah. Now I just had my headphones in. And I was like... I was playing, like, uh, Grindin' by the Neptune's, and I just freaking... Pop-locked. So crazy. I was literally playing that on the drums earlier, asking my dear black friend, John Dees, if he knows that song. And it's the only song that we talked about before the show was Grindin' by the Clips. Am I correct? You can confirm. And then what happened? When you were playing Grindin', you were dancing in the H.E.B. And then what? Someone entered you into a dancing competition. You found out you were dancing. It's like, sometimes you just come to realizations. It's like, you know, like, the first time you probably figured out you was gay. Yes, absolutely. I was in an H.E.B. I had my headphones on. I fell onto a breadstick and, uh... Why don't we hear... Why don't we see a little bit of dancing from you? And then we're gonna have the great Hall of Famer, Adam Ray, who happens to also be a dancing-ass motherfucker. We're gonna have a little dance competition here. I'm gonna throw Adam on the spot. The legend, Adam Ray. Let's let him go first. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Smithy, everybody. This is our cover of the Clips. Grindin'. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, shit. Go, pageantow. Go, pageantow. It's your barf, thai. Oh, shit. Whoa. Whoa. Oh. Oh, my goodness. There he goes. There it is, breaking into the jewelry store. That's what we call that dance. Wow. That's literally what I was gonna do. Now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who's never taken a loss in the history of the show, doing his dancing-ass... Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, the peep over the window seal. Oh, the... I don't know how to swim. Oh, my goodness. It's... Whoa. Oh, he transferred it. Whoa. Oh, he's got his heart. Oh, he took a bite of his heart. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You got a jump shot. How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen? I panicked. I panicked. I thought, what would the fucking closet of gay guy do? What the... You were getting smiffy with it. Smiffy, you are so fun, amazing stuff. Here is a big joke book from Boneside that just so happens to be plated in gold, because I know your people like things like that. Smiffy, ladies and gentlemen, of course, the comic. Take note, a black man has never dropped a joke book in the history of the show. 13 years running. They don't know how to not catch things, including HIV. Now, your next bucket pool, gentlemen, that's so stupid, goes by the name. Make some noise for Chris Martinez, everybody. Your first, what appears to be Houston's true Latino of the night. There he is. Hell, yeah, sorry for spilling that drink on you, by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys up there. Yeah, I'm not retarded, but I spent $15 for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out, you know. He jumped off the Kill Tony show, went straight to SNL. And all of a sudden, he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago. Isn't that right? All right, enough about the Jews. Let's talk about Corpus Christi, Texas, where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody give a hand for Donald Trump. The greatest president to ever live. You see this beautiful bridge. I built that bridge. My administration, we built it in 2017. Sleepy Joe Biden. Sleepy Joe Biden, he cut the port. He cut the funding. And then we brought it back in 2020. You can boo all you want, but he's the greatest president in my right, Tony. In my right. Let's not get too political, though. Okay, he went over his time there, Chris. I'm going to stop you. He's the only president right now. There's only one. So you spent the first 10 seconds apologizing to a group of people that you spilled a drink on that no one would have ever known about. And then you took shots at one of the most beloved humans in the history of the show. A person that these people all watch, do a new minute, and an interview. Everybody loved. Every single week. You don't like him? Is that the implication? No, I love him. I bought his rocks for $15. Is that true? I'm confused. Is that the store or something? No, it was actually at the Austin show. The New Year's Eve show. Okay. Yeah, $15. They told me they might be signed. So I fell for it, I guess. Dumbass. I don't understand. So you made a deal about that. No one knew what you were talking about. Yeah. And then you went on to do a bad impression of the current president, in which you just said things that he's actually said before. There was no comedy added to it or anything like that. Yeah. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Twice at the Little Pizza Shop in Corpus Christi. Okay. We know about that Little Pizza Shop. Brick City or something? What's it called? Mesquite Street. That's right. Okay, Chris, before I get you out of here, because you did nothing here tonight. Yeah. Somehow, you're the only true Mexican that's been pulled, and you did less work than anybody. Shout out. Shout out to you. Okay. I fucking love you, Adam Ray. You're the best. Okay. I love you too, player. I thought we deported all you guys. What's going on? And that's your Topo Chico joke of the night. All right. No one knows how to bring the room to a halt like you do. It's incredible. Love it. Chris, before I get you out of here, give me one redeeming quality about you that'll make all these people fall in love with you, because right now, you've wasted three minutes of time. I'm just going to lean into the, hey, I'm a door-to-door solar rep. I'm knocking your door open. Yeah. Sweet. Hey, there's no saying. It's okay. We're going to keep it moving along. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Chris Martinez, everybody. He caught it. Got to give him that. He caught it. There you go. There he goes. A strange eye contact and pointed at him, Ray, as he walks off. I don't think I find a fan of my dance moves. He's like, I knew you could move like that. That made me miss my mom. I don't know. That was sad. Sometimes I just keep it moving along. Sometimes I think there might be an interview. Touch your eggs, Nakes, Don. Sometimes I just keep it flying. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Clay McLaren, everybody. Clay McLaren. Here we go. Here it comes. Clay McLaren. There we go. There we go. There we go. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at Bucky's. Also, I work at a comedy club and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about it is that I get to eat all the cum. What the fuck? That was the punchline that you held your hand up and like made us all wait for? Just hand jobs, hand jobs, jerked off this guy, jerked off that guy, thank you, good night. You work at a comedy club? What do you do at the comedy club? I'm in event staffing. This must be the worst comedy club in the world. Where is this comedy club at? It's in Houston. What's it called? Punchline Houston. Wow. And you do event staffing? Yes, sir. Okay. You're adorable. I think you're funnier than what you did on stage tonight. So let's talk about it. I just want real answers, Adi. Okay, Clay? Yeah, of course. How old are you? I am 30. 30. When you wake up in the morning, truly, without trying to be funny, take us through your routine. What's the very first thing you do? Do you lay in bed for a little bit? Do you get out of bed immediately? What do you do? Take a drink of alcohol. I couldn't hear you because of the loud sound effect that happened because my partner here is just so good at his job. Go ahead. Thank you, Red Van. Go ahead. What's the first thing you do? Take a drink. You take a drink? Alcohol. Yeah. You drink alcohol while still in bed? Yeah. Even though I just got out of rehab a while back. Okay, perfect. We're getting... I fell off the wagon. Okay. Oh my... You broke the wagon. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So... Boo! Were you in rehab for alcohol? What's that? Were you in rehab for alcohol only? Yeah. Okay. That was a lie. Yeah, yeah. I had to hesitate. Let's talk about this drinking problem of yours. You're 30? Yes. And so what... take us through a day of how much you drink? Before I went to rehab, it was at least half a gallon a day. Half a gallon of vodka? Yes. Wow. Amazing. How did it get to that point? When did you start drinking? 21 or before? Before. Okay. How young were you? 19, maybe 20. And were you drinking by yourself back then? No. You were drinking with friends? Yes. And then when did you start drinking by yourself in the morning like that? Around 25. 25. What happened at 25 that made you start doing a little bit of heartbreak or something? Yeah, I had some tumultuous relationships. Okay. All right. When you say tumultuous, what exactly do you mean? I was supposed to get married and then I didn't. Yeah. Thank you. Why didn't you? She walked out on you? She left you? No, I left her. What made you leave her? Hold on, everybody. Shut up with your fucking angry booze. Shut up. This is why the Astros can't win a World Series. You fuck. Stop your booing. You fucking Houston. Fuck. We laugh about you all the time and meanwhile you're only two and a half hours away from us and we think you're sad. Shut up. The Rockets suck. The Astros suck. Yes. Yeah. He'll turn hinge clip. Fuck you. I'm interested in this guy's story. For the record, Hakim is my favorite player of all time. He's a man. Yeah, I'm kidding. I like you guys. But go ahead. Oh, no. She wanted kids. I wasn't financially stable. So I thought that it would be inappropriate to bring a kid into the world without being able to take care of it. Right. Man, what did she do for work? She didn't do jack lot about nothing. She didn't work at all. No, fuck no. Meanwhile, she wanted a kid and you're doing events staffing at a comedy club that barely has any events. Yes, sir. All right. So that's rough. Can I ask the cum punchline? When you said we were all like, it was, you know, you had, you came out with good energy, right? You came out, people were cheering. They were rooting for you. They wanted you to succeed. And then you build up and you have this formula of like, I did this and I jerk off the thing. But the best part about it is, and then you said I eat the cum and that felt like more like a confession than a punchline. So did you have other alternative punchlines like that you were deciding between or did you just think that? Just off the top of my head. Yeah. You didn't cum. You just like, they'll love that. Yeah, I eat cum regularly. Say that again. When you say you eat cum regularly, what exactly do you mean? I mean, it's not like a recreational thing, but... Answer the question. What do you mean when you say you eat cum? It's a very simple question. You said it. I'm asking you what you mean. Sometimes it shoots on my face. Hold on, sir, I got this. What the fuck? Yeah. So you're gay sometimes? Uh, yeah. Okay. Are you consider yourself bi? No. You're just gay? No, straight. You're straight, but guys shoot cum on your face sometimes. Fuck yeah. Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here. This is... Hey, D-Magnus did it. Okay, very good. There you go, buddy. There you go. Yep. Another drop. What is this? What is this? The Astros in the World Series? What are all these drops happening here tonight? Look how bad this fucking... That's good. I love it. Your middle finger does nothing. You guys all have tiny middle fingers in this shit-hole city. Look at all the tiny Houston middle fingers. You know that's a thing in the water here. Make sure middle fingers go small. It's a Houston thing. Look how tiny they are. They all look like little pinkies. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. Love from Houston. Yep. From Ohio. Very good. The home of world leaders and whatnot. Yes. Mike. All right. We still have... How's my favorite, the upper deck, doing up there? Oh, yeah. That's where the real winners are tonight. I'm telling you, I'm in love with the upper deck. There are a lot of sore losers with extra money down here. A bunch of spoiled kids that inherited it from their oil mining fathers. The real workers are up there. One more time for the upper deck, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You hear that? Look at the chaos up there. Look at this guy. These people fucking get it. All right. Your next Bucket Pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Jasmine Flowers, everyone. Jasmine Flowers. Hello. I noticed patterns for a living and I noticed something, the Amish, that used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. TLC, HBO, I don't even have cable by, I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam, but, you know, they pretend they can't have cell phones. But then, but then that's scamming 101. Well, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had, they said, it was no electricity, candles, let's build barns, turn butter and confuse the hell of the society. That's what it's like basically. And I know one person at meeting said, this could have been an email. But anyway, I'm just saying, check the barns for Wi-Fi. This is really changed. Anyway, I try. All right, Jasmine, that's, that's overtime right there. I love it. Jasmine, welcome. Keep that microphone. I'm going to do an interview here because I love Medea does kill Tony. This is incredible. How long you been trying stand up? About 90 seconds. 90 seconds. Perfect. What made you want to start here tonight? Saturday didn't have anything else to do. So let me drive out there and see what's happening. I love it. But you, you watch the show sometimes. You know what it is. Yes. Yes. So you tried it. You said that these Amish people are, there's, they're coming out of nowhere. There's a lot of them now. Yeah. They used to be elusive. You never knew an Amish person. I didn't know about Amish people, but now they're everywhere. Yeah. And everything. And I'm not going to be kind of against technology, but I just thought that was different. Yeah. Jasmine, what do you do for work? I'm an accountant. You're an accountant? Yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. What type of accounting are you doing? Corporate accounting. Wow. Yeah. It's fun, really. I love it. And you live here in Houston, Texas. I do. I do live in Houston. I love it. What part of Houston do you live in? I live in the Westbury area near Myerland. Where that goes. In the city. Houston proper. What are some of your favorite things to do here in Houston? You ever go to the turkey hut? I've never been to the turkey hut, but I've had turkey legs at the Renaissance Festival. I like that. Ooh, the Renaissance Festival. Over? I didn't know black people went to Renaissance festivals. Me and my friends, a couple of us. You guys probably really stand out at that Renaissance Festival. No, we don't. Blocks. Red pan. Okay. Jasmine, you have a family? Yes, I do. I have two kids. I love it. How old are they? 23 and 21. Okay, you did it. Yeah, that's a finish. Heck yeah. What are they up to? Boys or girls? I have a son that's at Texas Tech. This is his last year. Mechanical engineering. Nice. I have a daughter that lives in Milwaukee. She's a dog groomer. Oh, nice. Heck yeah. I love it. Jasmine, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I walk a dog. I like to garden. Hang out with my friends. I like to garden. We're going fishing next month. Okay. All right. Interesting, Jasmine. So the kids are all grown up. You still have a man? No. Okay. I don't have a man. When's the last time you were with a man? I've been divorced for probably about 10 years. Do you go on dates or anything? Have you been getting, you know, the old? No, not really. Maybe, you know, I'm just enjoying doing stuff. Kim wants to know when your last kiss was. My last kiss? Maybe two years, three years? Really? It's been that long. Oh, God. She's such a beautiful lady. I'm enjoying it. I'm happy. I mean. She's such a beautiful lady. Is there a guy out there that wants to give Jasmine a big smooch? Huh? Be part of Hill Tony history? You got to make it a good one if I bring you up here. Who do you think it is? Who's really going to go for it? Blue shirt right there, you think? I need some water. You need water? Have some, have somebody, have anybody's water you want. You got it. All right. I'm going to do this. So you're going to do it? Pick one, Jasmine. I'll let you pick. In the words of Uncle Laser, who's going to make that pussy-five? Oh, my God. This guy. This guy with the white beard? Let's get January 7th over here. Jasmine, do you have a preference? You have to be over 50. You have to be over 50? Yeah, that guy with the beard can do it. But how about the guy with the cowboy hat? Cowboy hat. God, the purple. Where is it? Where's the beard? No? You want that? That guy with the white beard is going to do it, ladies and gentlemen. You're about to watch history. Oh, my God. Here we go. Only here in Houston, Texas. Here we go. You're a powerful black woman. Kiss a man that looks like he fought for the South in the Civil War. Watch your step, sir. Please, don't trip over cords. Ladies and gentlemen, what an amazing day. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. Wow. Incredible. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Look at that. Not the first time this guy's freed the slaves. Look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. This is what comes out of the game when you roll double sixes in Jumanji. Watch your step, sir. Watch your step. Jasmine, how did that feel? You squirt? I forgot. I forgot already. I can't remember. I love it. She's mesmerized. All right, Jasmine. Thank you so much. There she goes. Jasmine Flowers, everybody. She's a sweetheart. You guys are out here booing during sets. These guys are relentless here in Houston. All right. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute force of nature that you know, that you love. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Sing it if you know the words because I present to you the one and only, this is Hans Kemp. Hey. What's up, Houston? Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I speak English. This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen at Chili's. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black-eyed gardening. I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retel theft as well now. I am working out right now. I don't have to be stronger than a black guy. I just have to last long enough till the cops get there. All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys so much. Hans Kim has done it again. Wow, how about the reception from that crowd just upon arrival? I know. Thank you. Amazing. Thank you. Hans-Eboi Kim, live in Houston, Texas. How does Houston make you feel? How do you feel about all this? Oh, it's great. It's a big Texas city. A lot of anger can be unleashed upon me. So, yeah, trying to stay on the good side of Houston. Lots of different types of Republicans and Democrats here to piss off. It's just a lot of people here. A lot of different kinds of people. Yeah, lots of love. Lots of love. Absolutely. Have you been to Houston before? Yes. I actually double teamed a female here. Whoa. Let's cut to a clip. No, I still don't have it. I still don't have it. My goodness. This was a fan? Yeah, she was pretty enthusiastic. Who did you double team her with? A wonderful Austin comic that I don't think I should name. Right, but a buddy. Yeah. Okay. Not like, you know, Brian Redband or something. Right. It definitely wasn't Brian Redband. You'd have to be able to get hard to have sex with a woman. Just kidding. This reminds me. Plutu, the official sponsor of Kill Tony. Wow. Tell us what it was like double teaming. Which hole did you pick? Well, I actually, she was like bonded with me, which is pretty cool. So I actually had sex with her before my friend got there. So I already came inside of her vagina and then... Thank you for that. I was about to ask where. I mean, that's important. Let me ask you, did she tell you she was on the pill or something? Like what made you come inside of her? Did you just do that? I just felt very open to the idea of that. Wow. That's not going to hold up on court, by the way. It was a long time ago. But yeah, it was all legal. Jesus. She... Yeah, so I already came and then my friend came and she was like, I always wanted to do this thing, a roast pig or stuck pig. I talked about this before. But then I actually took the mouth area and he took the vagina and I really wasn't as hard as I could have been. Failed. Yeah, she wasn't really a roast pig. Now let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Shish kebab. Wow. Corn dog. Okay. We got it. We got it. Yeah, you don't need to keep naming that. Yeah. Yeah. So your soft penis was in her mouth and your buddy was fucking the hole that you had already nutted inside of. Did you tell your friend that you came inside of her? No, I don't think I did. So there's a chance that your buddy is going to find out from watching this show that the time that he hooked up with a chick with you, he was fucking your cum. Yeah, I lubed him up. I love that he still looks at you. Hans has just enough autism to think of it like you helped him out a little bit. Amazing. If she gets pregnant, who's going to claim the baby? I mean, he was white and I'm Asian, so if he's smart, then it's mine. That's a good point. Touche. Let's see how he does on the SATs before. How did it after work? Like right after you guys came to just keep hanging out or? We crashed, she took the couch, it took the bed a little bit, and then we left, we drove back to Austin. You said you crashed. Does that mean that you drove immediately out? Cool. I keep imagining Hans trying to do an Eiffel Tower, but his dick is soft, or her face keeps falling. Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't get hard again. Oh, this is my Hans impression. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so soft, oh, I'm so soft. Is there anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard? Yes. Okay, go ahead. Always the most honest answers. If you look at the history of the show, no one has better answers to my questions than Hans. Totally. Always before I'm even done answering the questions. Yes, Tony, yes, actually I don't. Honest Hans should be the name of your question. Yeah, honest Hans. I think a lot of tickling stuff helps me a lot. Dude. It's fucking gross. Why is it gross? No, Hans being tickled is disturbing. I'm not getting tickled, I'm tickling. Ah! I'm the tickler, Kim, Jesus. Yeah, somehow it is disgusting. I'm starting to agree with Kim. I thought you were getting tickled, which is just fucking weird. But now that I'm finding out that you're doing the tickling and that makes you hard, what is it about tickling a girl that makes you hard, huh? Great question, Tony. When she squirms. Yeah, the part where she's like, no, no, please don't. Yeah, that's most of my relationships with women, so it seems accurate. Let me ask you this. I asked you what it takes, what you think about to make you hard. Here's a question I've never asked you before. Is there something that you think of when you're about to come too fast and you think of that to try to stop yourself from being so overly excited? Hans Kim. I usually try to think of the woman that I'm making love with and what she would want, and I'm like, she would want me to come now. We'll be right back. I felt like taking a break. Wait, Hans, do you and the guy chit chat during the do... All right, I don't know what I'm trying to ask. But you guys, I mean, is there, you know, there's dirty talk, right? But if he starts to talk, do you go, oh, sorry, yeah, you go ahead. Or like... Yeah, I think there was a moment where we did like, we did that exact thing. I forget like why, but yeah, I think we made like, hey, you can take the bottom, I'll take the top. And then it was just like, yeah, she was like making noises. She did it with me, which was kind of concerning. Oh, no. Were her noises better with you than with him? Like, did you get, did you take it personal? Yes. He was getting better noises. Wow. Amazing. Were you guys like talking or like looking at each other? No, he wasn't trying to look at my... Like, can you sign me up for the mic later? I was looking at his dick. You were? Yes. How was he not looking at you if you were looking at him? He was just like head down, task at hand. He was a very... Yeah. And your dick was like boba tea over there, like in the mouth. Yeah, it was like boba tea, it's chewy tapioca. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay, was he a white guy or a black guy? White man. Okay, right. By the way, I don't think any girls have ever been like, yeah, Hans, give me that chewy dick. Wow. My goodness, Hans, you are amazing. Anything else you want to tell the beautiful people of Houston, Texas? I bought a van for $13,000, that doesn't work. I wasted $13,000. I love your city. Wait, what do you mean you bought a van? I bought a Sprinter van thinking I could make it a Van Life van, even though I already have a van. I just bought a stupid van for no reason. What made you do that? I was looking at my old van, I'm like, this van sucks, let me... And then one of my friends was like, you should just get a new van. So I just got a new van, but it was a shittier version of the van. What if this is what he and me and the other guy were talking about, where they were double-teaming the girl? I bought a second van and I'd tell you, oh, sorry. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Hoochie-coochie-coo. Wow, so one could call you Vans Kim. Yeah, the van's logo is my logo. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a hell of a show. This is your final bucket pool of the night. How about one more time for Heidi and Bal, everybody? You can check out their podcast, Love on the Line at HeidiRigina.com. Follow the band on social media. Follow Adam Ray. He's on the You Is Me tour going to Vegas, the win, and everywhere else. AdamRayComedy.com, KimKongden.com, and follow her at KimKongden. C-O-N-G-D-O-N. All right, your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Devin Callahan, everybody. One last Houston bucket pool. All right, how you guys doing? Yeah, I'm Devin Callahan. Callahan like dirty Harry. Yeah, I see your face confused. He's like, I remember dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. So, yeah, so I figured out, not to bring it down and not talk about death, I figured out the afterlife. I got it. There's two types of ghosts. One ghost, full body guy standing under a light. Hey, it's my grandfather probably smoking a cigarette head to toe. It's a ghost. Second ghost, you just get like a little haunting thing, and it's just like no legs or nothing, just feet up, like feet gone, knees up, and they're just running around like, ooh. Their second type, those are the motherfuckers. They die to diabetes. Yes. So, it turns out in the afterlife, you don't get your feet back. It's like a punishment. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I need some friends. I need some new friends. I was chilling with my homies, and we were on a road trip, and I was like, hey man, I'm getting kind of tired. Let's pull into somewhere. And I saw a hotel, L-A-Q-U-I-N-T-A, and I told my homies, hey, let's stay at La Quinta. And they started laughing. They were like, ah, this is so crazy. It's La Quinta, foe. It's La Quinta. Okay, was that the end of the joke? No. Okay, finish it. And so, I was telling them no, La Quinta is the chick that works at the front desk. But the establishment is La Quinta, right? Like, so. Absolutely. Devin Callahan making his Kill Tony debut, right? Yes. You live here in Houston? Port Arthur and Beaumont. I'm staying Port Arthur. Oh, look at that. All right. Can you say the N-word there? Yeah, but no, no, I don't want to though. We're nice, we're nice people. You don't have to. Yeah. You don't have to say it. Yeah. Okay Devin, what do you do for work? I play piano. I play keys. You're a professional piano player? Yeah. Really? Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Like 20, 20 years. 20 years? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. Really? Yeah. I don't think we've ever had an actual piano player on this show before. You guys want to hear him play some piano? Fuck yeah. John Dees, the band leader, normally doesn't share his piano with anybody. He's a tough cookie. He's old school. A lot of musicians don't like sharing their instruments. And I know how it is, bro. And he knows how it is. But now that he's, oh, see all he had to say. John, do you know how it is? All he had to say was I know how it is. I get it. He broke John Dees' little heart. Here he is. Look at this. Look at this. Couple cousins just giving handshake. Oh yeah, don't play anything copyrighted. It's got to just be kind of like your own, like original jam. John Dees? This is my uncle. Oh shit. All right. Uncle Devin in the motherfucking Hizzy Howse won't say the N word because that's not nice. See, that's how I think they should all be. All right. Oh my God. This is what Hans was listening to during his double team. Keep going, keep going. I'm going to sing a little song. Yeah. When I'm in Houston, my favorite kind of pub is Gastro. I cheat like I'm an astro. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep playing. Keep fucking playing dumbass. Keep playing. Oh. I put my finger in an electrical sock. He played fucking music in electrical socket. More shocking than a wind from the Houston rockets. Oh yeah. There's traffic all over this shit whole town. And there's no real live entertainment to be found. Cause all the artists moved to Austin or even Boston or anywhere to get lost in. Cause art doesn't exist in Houston. But you can wash it down with some aquafina. There's some left from Hurricane Katrina. Stupid. Stupid. How about one more time for Devin Callahan on the keys? Wow. That's not the hit clip on the ball. I'm riffin. I'm just goofing around. Me and Adam used to play with the great Jeff Scott at the comedy store. We were the only two guys that used to rip with them, rest in peace. We lost him during the pandemic cause he got COVID and AIDS at the same time. All right. Devin, anything else crazy we should know about you before you go? What's the biggest white lady you ever impregnated? I hadn't had a chance yet. So, what you saying? I don't know if you saw Jasmine Flowers earlier, but there's a black woman that makes no sense whatsoever when she talks that really needs to be dicked down. Oh, I met her. I saw her. Yeah. Nah, I'm her mother. I'm okay. I'm okay. Welcome to another episode of Nah with Devin Callahan. Is there a white lady that wants to be impregnated right now? Yeah, of course there is. Look, I just hit his wife. Devin, thank you so much. There he goes. Devin Callahan. Oh, you're the Puerto Rico guy. Thank you. Thank you so much. There he goes. Devin Callahan. He just realized who I was, everybody. Hey, wait, you're the Puerto Rico guy. There's a joke book. See you later. Ladies and gentlemen, like I said, Saturday nights are hard on this show. We have created so many superstars that a lot of them were booked tonight and their own sold out shows around the world. However, I was able to secure the man who I think is one of the fastest young rising comedians in the world. You see him every week writing and performing a brand new minute. At one point he was recognized as the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Georgia, and now he is the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. I present to you the future. This is Dedrick Flynn. Here's Dedrick Flynn. Here's Dedrick Flynn. Oh my God. Are we in the South? This feel like the South. I love Houston. It's like a big ass Atlanta. My favorite Houston rapper, Pimp C. Pimp C once said something that meant everything to me. He said, nigga, I ain't so much shrimp. I got eye-dyeing poison. Now Pimp C is known to live his rats and I'm going to tell y'all that ain't shit, that nigga researched, that happened to him. That nigga woke up in a hospital and the doctor was like, your blood levels were eye-dyeing. You about to die, Pimp C. He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that. Let me think. Mr. Pimp C, do you ever eat a ball or a amount of shrimp? He's like, hell yeah. He said, how much shrimp do you eat? He's like, I don't know about this much. This much money is how much shrimp he eat. I been chasing that eye-dyeing poison in my whole goddamn life. Thank y'all so much, Houston, I like it. Dejrick. Hell yeah, buddy. How's it going Dejrick? Them niggas mad at me for getting drunk in New York. Story wars. Which is crazy because it was 17 degrees, nigga, I got a drink at least to be warm. It costs $100 to breathe in New York, nigga, I got a drink. I had to take a $130 Uber to get from New Jersey all the way to Brooklyn, nigga, I'm going to drink. I had seven long islands, nigga, I was in Long Island, we called that a bad dream. Preach. Keep going, for the love of God, keep going. There's nothing but stairs in New York, nigga, I got lost as a motherfucker on the train, nigga, I'm going to drink. I'm a country boy, it was too cold for me to be up there, I don't know that shit. I thought I was in a New York state of mind. I thought in New York it was supposed to be hard, but when the nigga drink hard, y'all get upset. I thought we was having a party. If you came for a ride, came you being Paris getting fucked up too. Fuck yeah. My goodness gracious. Come on now. Unbelievable. Dedrick. Have you been around Houston a lot? No, this is my first time in Houston. I love y'all. I love y'all. Hell yeah. Houston loves you as well, Dedrick. This is amazing. Would you like to tell the people what you got today on the way here? Yeah, I just got this new Bucky's gold chain, because that nigga Matt Wright, somebody, I got Matt's teeth. Nah, yeah, yeah, time to have that. These chains, these other chains is fake as fuck though, they're like $30 on Amazon, but they are gold, colored. You know, I have so much Bucky's stuff. It is incredible. I have blankets, I have mugs, I have magnets, I have so much Bucky's merch that it's incredible. And every time I stop at one, I obtain more. However, I never even knew there was a case with gold necklaces in it. They walked me to it when I got in. I put on my jury just to go to the Bucky's, you know. I don't even know how you found that. They called out to me, Tony. I went to go buy some Bucky's slides at first, and as soon as I touched the slides, they said, you gotta match it with a chain. Yep, yep, absolutely. Dedrick Flynn, what's been going on in life, buddy? Other than that. That New York bullshit. It's no big deal. You gotta remember, only 1.2% of the Kill Tony fan base watches that show. Yeah, but that was nice of me when I was in Brooklyn. You do drink hard though, right? Like, you are a big drinker. Yeah, yeah. I'm from the South. We make moonshine. Yep. Y'all make Hunts Punch out here. We don't make that cold a girl here. I thought we was in the South. I thought we was in the South. I said, do we get our drink or do we get our paycheck? Y'all know the obvious when I put it in my body. What's in my cup is in my cup. If I want to drink a liquor casserole because it makes me feel good, that's what I call Long Island's a liquor casserole. I'm getting word you're preaching is going so hard in the pain that Jasmine Flowers just had her diabetes cured. I cut back sometimes because, but that wasn't really me on the show because I didn't even have my grill because when I went to go check in my New York hotel, the hold on the car was more than I had on my debit card. So I just left my grills with them. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a real story? Yeah, I didn't. I wasn't wearing grills on the storyboards. So that really wasn't even me for real. That was just Dedrick Flynn. That wasn't a dark storm. You know what I'm saying? You know, you asked for the storm. I bring the storm. You know, I got to be a tornado sometimes. Tony let me off the leash. You're the one putting yourself in chains, buddy. Yeah, that makes you hilarious. On the last day of Black History Month. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Right back. I love it, Dedrick. Is there anything else crazy we should know about before we put a ribbon on this damn thing? May... Huh? Why you come to Houston? Why you come to Houston? Why you come to Houston? Why you come to Houston? Because I fucking love this place and I heard great things and rap songs. Why would I not want to come to Houston? If Kill Tony's in Houston, I'm in there. If Kill Tony's in Dallas, I'm in there. If Kill Tony's in Austin, I'm in there. If Kill Tony's in New York, bitch, I'm in there. When God's talking about love and shit, we in the sand. Dedrick Flynn, the dark storm of Austin for tonight is the dark storm of Houston. A little fun fact, everybody. And tickets are not on sale yet, but we are coming to on October 17th. Save the day. We are doing a Kill Tony in Sugar Land here at the Smart Financial Center October 17th. So you could put that in your little calendar. We're coming back. Whole different show, whole different fucking everything. What else? Did you guys have a great night tonight? We did too. I know some people tonight are going to be partying out at the Colorado, which is owned by some friends of the Kill Tony family. So there's little heads up there. And we love you guys. Band play a little music. One more time for Adam Ray, everybody. AdamRayComedy.com KimKongDin.com Make some fucking noise for KimKongDin, everybody. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everyone. Whoa, that's a good one. Ooh, look at that little Miami Vice. They're skinny. I love it. How about one more time for Golden Ticket winners and regulars and Rike Chacon, Colin Sledge, Uncle Laser, Young, Hong's Kim and Dettrick Flynn. We love you guys. Red Band. Guys, I love you Houston. Houston Laptops, Sherlock, La Porte Pezzi. Love you so much, guys. We love you. God bless Houston, Texas. And God bless the United States of America. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Music plays. Music plays. Music plays.