How to Connect With Your Child (Try This)

You just spent four hours at the water slide park. You come home, now they're disrespectful. Don't bring that up as if they owe you. If you have a family where there's four children and three of them are the football stars, they're following in the footsteps and then the one child isn't. You're not raising many me's. You want them to be them. You don't want them to be you. How about other ideas or other activities for kids who are a little bit older? Okay, depends on the age and it's always in their world. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. And I'm Amy Bunnage. Lisa's daughter and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what is today's topic? Today is another one of these many episodes without parenting questions. It's all about connecting with children ages three to 12 because our last one was on toddlers. Oh, connecting three to 12. Okay, that's the easy years, generally. Three to 12 is the easier years. Because toddlers are physically demanding and teenagers are more emotionally demanding. The three to 12 is generally, if you're a leader especially, those are the easy years. Now let's say that maybe you found an easier time connecting with your toddler, but you're just not really sure how to connect and how to bridge that transition with connecting with this age. Okay, it's usually easier because they get more interesting. Like when they're toddlers, it's hard to get excited about laying on the floor playing with blocks. Okay, it's easier to get excited when you're actually drawing and painting with a four or five year old, right? So, and it's always connecting in their world. And by the way, this is something that's quite interesting because I've brought this up with parents and they always look shocked when I, or not shocked, but they're like, oh, I wouldn't even have thought of that. You don't always connect over what they're good at. You connect over what brings them joy, what makes them feel good, okay? They might be really good at playing the piano, but they might hate it, okay? But they might be really good at, parents tend to wanna connect over what they're good at, what their natural talents are. That's not always what they like or what brings them joy. So you wanna see what brings them pure joy, and it's not as video games, yeah, I know most kids like that, but it's usually something else. So yeah, whatever brings them joy, if it's running, what running in the park, whatever, that's what you connect over. So don't connect over what they're good at unless it also brings them joy. And you always default to the thing that brings them joy over what they're good at. Does that make sense? It does, and I think this brings up another topic with the idea of maybe you were a soccer champion and your child despises soccer. How do you navigate that as a parent? Well, you're not raising many me's, you want them to be them, you don't want them to be you. So yeah, that's just that self-absorbed parenting where just because you love something doesn't mean your kids will. A lot of parents get disappointed because their kids aren't many me's. They're not a reflection of you, they're their own people and treat them with respect and respect the fact that they're not. Geez, no one's alive who would know this story. There was a little boy that I went to school with and I knew their family and the neighborhood, but I didn't know them really well. But it was just well known that the dad was a bit of a bully. He was a very athletic, I think he played baseball. I can't remember what it was, but it was really good at some sport. And he actually was the coach at school. I think it was baseball. Anyway, cause I was in the girls team, so I wouldn't have known what this kid was playing. Anyways, a little boy. So anyway, the dad was so hard on this kid. I remember hearing the dad yelling at his son, who was not good at sports at all. He was more he liked to draw. He was just more of a gentle little boy. He wasn't never gotten fights. And I'm sure the dad would have gotten in fights growing up. He was just that type, right? We're nothing, no shaming that. That's just the way he was, right? But his son wasn't the dad. He was nothing but a disappointment to that kid. And we all knew it. I even remember hearing the adults talking about it. They all felt sorry for this little kid. Those kids are not many use. They are many thems. They're allowed to be different from you. It doesn't make them better or worse. It just means that they're them. Allow them to find who they are, their own personality, their own interest. And if they're really good at something and if they tell you they hate it, let them quit. It's at school, obviously. But if it's something that isn't necessary, let them find what they enjoy. Bring out the best in them, not the best in what you want them to be. And a lot of kids feel like disappointment to their parents because their parents have these expectations. So just change your expectations. You want your kids to be happy, have high self-esteem, and be strong problem solvers, okay? So an independent. Those are the things you wanna go for. You don't want them to be football heroes like you were. It'd be great if they are, I guess, but that's not the point with raising children. You wanna encourage them to be who they are and find their own joy in life, their own path. I feel like there's almost a magnifying glass on that situation. If you have a family where there's four children and three of them are the football stars, they're following in the footsteps and then the one child is in. Okay, I knew a family that had many kids and one of them was different. And I guess I can say this, I worry you'll cut it out. But anyway, the mother was a very strict Catholic and so was the dad. And when the kids all grew up, I think there was seven or eight kids that I remember, when they all grew up, one of them said, you know what, I just don't feel like I wanna go to church anymore. Those parents just owned that adult child for about 10 years because they wouldn't go to church. And so then 10 years later, that child missed the siblings and missed the family Christmases and all that, went back to church, still said, I'm still an atheist, but I'm going to church just so I can get my family back. I thought, how sad is that? And this mom in particular thought she was mother of the year. She was a very loving mom, but it was conditional love. I love you to death so long as you go to church and do what I want. So, and I always remembered that story because she was such a sweet lady and she really was, it was just that was very important to her that her kids followed along in her beliefs. And I always felt, well, that's not parenting. I just thought, I thought a lot less of her parenting after that, cause she was sort of the mother earth of parents, but then when that happened, I thought, yeah, it's not good. You do talk about the importance of loving your kids unconditionally. And I think that in the easy times when everything's going great, like I think that's easy to say, but then it's those moments where maybe your child is doing something that's very different from you. I'm sure that's when you're tested. Well, I've often said, if my kids committed a crime, I'd be the first one to turn them in, but then I'd visit them every day in jail. But I still, you know what I'm saying? Like I'd still do the right thing, but I has nothing to do with how I love them. So yeah, my love is unconditional. They know that. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Now I think let's pivot a little bit into ideas on how to connect with your three to 12 year old child. Okay, depends on the age. And it's always in their world. Silly stuff for little ones. And even if a 12 year old silly that too, whatever makes them giggle is how you want to connect. Whatever makes them feel good about themselves and giggle is how you want to connect. Whatever it is, find your inner silly, find your inner child, look up ideas on the internet, fun things to do at home with my nine year old, my nine year old boy, my nine year old girl, just look up different ideas and you'll find, you'll find your path with your kids. Some of them like silly, I had one mom years ago, none of them were really into humor or silly stuff, but they loved, I think it was crafts or artwork, something like that. They were obsessed with it, the whole family, and they sat around, they did the most, she showed me some of the work they did. It was unbelievable. So that's how they connected. So it's different for every family. But if you're serious and your kids are goofy, you find your inner goof. Remember, you always want to connect in their world. Whatever makes them giggle and feel good about themselves and happy, that's what you use to connect. Look it up, search it, ask them, say, hey, what would you like to do? If we could do anything this weekend, just you tell us, what would you like to do? And then just go and do it. That's how you connect. When they giggle, when they're happy, you know when your kids are happy. That's what you connect with. What are some other ideas? What do you mean, other ideas? OK, so with little ones, really, you know what the one thing they love, and I don't like it at all, is magic. Most young children like magic. I never did. I never liked it. Most of them, I would look up magic tricks and then show them how to do it. Because they'll feel great when they can do that with their friends or with their grandparents or whatever. You're building them up. Science experiments are also usually really good, because they're fun and they're messy. A lot of vinegar and baking soda stuff, you know, all that stuff. So stuff like that. But look it up on YouTube or wherever. Just Google it. Fun things to do with kids. Now, when you go somewhere with a kid, like let's say you go to the water slide park, you don't just stand on the sidelines and watch them. You want to go with them. Do it with them. Join in. Don't just take them somewhere and applaud from the sidelines. OK, you want to join in, so long as they would like that too. When they're 12 years old, they might not want mommy and daddy going down the slide with them. You get the idea. Age-appropriate. Now, when they become 9, 10, 11, 12, you want to encourage having their friends over more, because that becomes more important to them. And you want to know when to back off also. You don't want to just be barging in on them and their friends all the time. So you want to back off with that. And that's showing them that you respect them, their own space with their friends. OK, so encourage them to have play dates or whatever with their friends. When they do get moody, back off. Let them have their moods too, when they get a 9, 10, 12 in the tween years. Back off, if they get moody, don't say, gee, you're moody. Just allow it. Just say, oh, OK, well, we'll talk later or whatever. Allow them to have moods too, because they're going to get into those teen years, and they're going to have moods, swings, mood swings up and down. So respect that. Don't call them out on it. A lot of parents do that. It's a big mistake. I think that's the tricky part, is in the younger years as well, is that you feel like you can maybe connect in a similar way with a toddler. But as they get older, it changes quite a bit. It does change. And I can remember I was really cool for a very long time. And I can remember when I turned the corner. I wasn't quite as cool. Me walking past them and their friends with underpants on my head wasn't quite as funny anymore. So I remember thinking, oh, OK, time to stop doing that. Didn't have the same appeal. No, it just didn't. So you got to read the room too, OK? And they'll tell you. And if you have an open relationship and you're a leader, they will tell you, mom, enough with the underpants on your head. I think my son was 18 when he told me that. I think sometimes some parents as well are like, just don't grow up. I don't want you to grow up. And they're almost mourning that phase of having their child at that age. Yeah, I can kind of see that. They're getting older. They're getting more independent. But there's pride in that too. I remember being proud of my kids when they didn't want me around and they just wanted to do their own thing. Because I remember I thought, yeah, I'm doing a good job. They're independent. They're free thinking. And I remember there was a lot of pride in that I'm doing a good job because they are pulling away from me. And that's normal. You want them to do that. But you always want to be there for them, though. That's the thing is it's a one-way street. They're not going to always be there when you want to talk to them, but you always want to be there when they want to talk to you. It's a one-way street. That's just parenting. I'll also say just an idea for connection as well, because you're talking about it from the mother's perspective. Also, something I did with my dad growing up is, again, it's like he probably didn't have as much shared interest with a young girl. I think it was about 12 that we started this. We'd go out for sushi. And we both loved sushi. We both loved avocado rolls. So we'd go or a salmon avocado rolls. So we'd go out and bond over that. And it's always when the kids are happy, you know you're doing it right. And they're all different. I mean, it depends. Like going out for sushi can be one kid going to a game. Watching some game could be another kid's joy. Going to paintball, maybe flying a kite, going fishing. You find what brings them joy, and then you do it. You join in. And if there's overlap, then that's just the benefit. That's bonus. Well, that's the thing is I was always trying to find stuff that I like too. But you can't always do that. But then I always tried to find joy in it anyway. Don't just turn up and look like I'm just doing this for you, kiddo. Turn up. Make the most of it. There's that saying where you've got to do it. Like in marriages, they say, well, you've got to go along with the other person's interest sometimes too. But you've got to do it with the right frame of mind. You don't just sit there all miserable. Fine, I turned up to your book club. That's even worse. What? You know, if someone tries to join and then they are miserable doing it, you'd rather, like, I'd rather you not even be here. Of course. And that's how your kids feel too. If you look miserable when you're out with them, or when they're enjoying something, you've got to get into it. You've got to say, you know what? They like this for a reason. The way I looked at it, I love my children, as you all do. I wallow in my children. If they're having fun, part of me was enjoying it anyway. I got a lot of joy out of watching them have fun. So that was how I enjoyed it. And I didn't always enjoy, like, God, I hated going to those crowded kids play centers, all that stuff. Oh, gosh, I hated that. But I did it. And you love DDR. I love DDR. Yeah, the arcade. I used to go there. DDR is the dance, dance revolution, the dance mats, where you have to dance on the beat. I used to go there on when the kids were in school, practice, so that the next time we went, I'd be better than them. I was like a 35-year-old mom at the arcade at noon all by myself doing DDR. How about other ideas or other activities for kids who are a little bit older? Well, you know, like girls, they love doing makeovers. Dad's connecting a really good way for a dad to connect with a girl that you've never really had much in common with. Let her give you a pedicure or a manicure or a makeover. They love that. And they know the love that's behind you, allowing them to do that. I've got that. A lot of my clients, the men, the dads are doing that. The little girls give the makeovers. And doing their hair and all that sort of stuff. You see, it's in their world, but you're part of it. And they know you don't want a pedicure, but you're doing it just for them. And remember, you want to enjoy it too, because they're liking it so much. And because your connection is, you can't help but enjoy connecting with your kids. It's harder when they're really little, because you don't really like laying on the floor playing blocks all the time. But the older they get, the easier it gets. Because your interests are becoming more alike, usually. Well, I think to keep that a mini episode, we might cut it off soon. Is there anything you want to add before we end here? Also, don't say something like this. OK, and I've had this happen. This is actually really interesting. I've had this happen many times with clients. They'll do something fun with their kids. They'll take them to the water slide park. And then they'll come home. And then the kids will act out. And then the parents will say, I don't appreciate this. I just did this for you. And now you're treating me like this. Now, why would I bring that up? Because you disconnected with them. Now you come home and they're not treating you very well. Because you're not a leader yet. Once you're a leader, they don't do that. But anyway, so you're working on your leadership skills. You just spent four hours at the water slide park. You come home. Now they're disrespectful. Don't bring that up as if they owe you. OK, that's what parents do. They feel that their kids owe them. I just spent hundreds of dollars all day. We were at Disneyland or whatever. And now you have the nerve to be rude to me. Don't do that. Do I have to go on about that one? It happens a lot, though. Parents say, well, I did all that for them. And then they didn't even respect me or didn't treat me well after that. Yeah, you still got to earn your leadership wings, right? And they don't expect anything from them. They don't owe you anything. They're kids. They don't owe you anything. I think that makes sense. I'm listening to that. And I can even see that playing out in just adult friendships. It's like if someone does something for you, it almost negates it if they treat it like, OK, now it's like a tit for tat kind of thing. Yeah. And these are kids, remember. It's a different, you're an adult. They're children. It's not a 50-50 give and take. And they even say with marriages, it might be 80-20. But then it might flip the other way. And it might be 90-10 the other way. It's going to go back and forth. But don't expect anything from your kids. Nothing. Your expectations should be almost zero. And then you're going to be pleasantly surprised when you get good stuff from them. But then you're going to be too disappointed if you get bad stuff from them, you see? And they don't owe you anything. They're children. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. You did something nice for them. They don't owe you. That wasn't a favor that you did. Now they owe you a favor. That a lot of parents have brought that up. And I find that quite interesting. But it makes sense, doesn't it? OK, connecting with kids is hard if you've never been around kids a lot and you don't like their interests. Work really hard to find something that you both like. You might both like bowling. Maybe you both like badminton or pickleball or find something that you can do together that you can both like. But always err on the side of what they like, not you. Don't drag them along to the hair salon if you like getting your hair done. OK, you go to the park and roll down the hill with them if they like that. You always connect in their world. When they're enjoying themselves, that's when you connect. I think that's a great place to end. OK, thanks for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other health care professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit www.bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.