Patreon Preview #370: Penguin Baseball Draft Season Three w/ Janet Varney & Casey Toney

Hacks is back for its fifth and final season and so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W Downs and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy winning comedy series. On each episode here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hacks streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to the Hacks podcast on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Excellent and no need for account. Casey, we're gonna say something. No. Everybody ready? Yeah. Do you inflection of the last two things you said Casey made it sound like you're gonna say something? I mean, I like I was like a giant breath like he said no and he's like stroking his. He's like, no. I was thinking about saying something and I decided against it. So no, say it. Oh, controversy. No, I had truly had. I had nothing in value to say. We get kicked out of the league if the owners start to fight. So everyone's just take it easy. Easy. Take it easy. Let's get through this draft without any scratches or scrapes. And of course we all know that's going to be hard to do because we have ethical creatures this year. That's right. We've opened a portal or at least the company that we founded open to portal. Allegedly. Allegedly. I want to say flipper tech. Yep. Or something. Allegedly. Not that we even know the name. It's all licensed to the caimans. So nobody's going to jail. And this is why we were all in Aruba hunting humans. Jenna and Albert. Allegedly. Wait, wait, wait. Kasey. Kasey. Oh, no. We're not supposed to mention that. Okay. Cut it. Kasey. Cut that. I'll say it was Aruba. We don't want to blow up our spot. Hunting people or shooting humans. Whatever. Allegedly. Whatever. But now we are chock-a-block of with mythical, mythical creatures on this earthy plane. So what else to do but simply draft them and force them to play baseball. Force them is the strong term. Yeah. Cause encourage them, pay them. If ever there was a group, I would be nervous about forcing to do anything. I think when I hear mythical creatures, that just gives me pause. That's all. Oh, gives me pause. Maybe a clue into what kind of mythical creatures we are. And whatever we don't draft, we eat. I mean, I've been eating. A feast for the ages. I cannot wait. I am hungry. You've been, you've been what? You've been eating? You've been eating? Simply must, Janet. Oh, the Chimera is delectable. Snacking. The basilisk is beautiful. To die for. Why don't you go ahead? Let's go around and say our teams that we will be heading up coaching owning this year and Janet, why don't you start us off and let us know what team you have. Well, thank you so much. So great to be here today to talk about a non pigwood baseball. This year, I'm very excited. Now I had to do a little looking around not to be confused with Hunter humans in Aruba. I did a little looking around. I wanted to, I wanted to expand my horizons a little bit this year. I poked around. I what I have always thought about the beautiful state of New Mexico and specifically the beautiful city of Santa Fe is that it is a place that is not only beautiful to the eye, but beautiful to the heart, the mind. And it's full of mystery. It's full of wonder. It's full of very specific, attractive, southwestern colors. And I discovered that there was an opportunity to open up a new team. That's not anything anyone has ever said. We're opening up a team in Santa Fe. Anyone would ever say or has said, but my mythical creature, and I'm kind of sad that you started me off because I feel bad for the rest of you because could there be a more perfect mythical creature for a hate riddle, riddle group of raggle, taggle friends. Raggle, taggle. There's a new player on the draft list. Allegedly. Allegedly. Lives on raggle, taggle. But there is one mythical creature that is well known for being a fan of riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking. And that is the Spik's. The Spik, no, JPC, no. You stepped all over. All over my now it's Spik. I should have told the draft better than I was about to say it. Her announcement's all over your shoe now, JPC. It's all over my shoe. Tracking it into the house. The Santa Fe Sphinxes. This is a mythical creature that dates back to both Grecian, ancient Greece, and Egyptian times. This is a very fascinating, fierce, yet fun creature. And I'm so happy to have the Santa Fe Sphinxes in my corner. Mm-hmm. Now, can I just say, your Sphinx, by the way, gorgeous hair. Some of the most gorgeous hair that I've ever seen on a Penguin League baseball. Have they ever seen one with hair? Now I'm going back to see how much hair we had. I would love to see a penguin in sort of a hairspray the musical type wig. What is that called? Okay, May of the Putting Penguins in Musicals draft starts next month. Keep an eye out for that. May! May! People are going to be so bad. Hey, Adel-Aaron, I am freaking out. OK, so I just got an email from, do you guys know Casey, the editor of the show or whatever? Oh, yeah. Sleepo? Yeah, Sleepo. Oh, my God. Thanks for you know. I got an email from him that says he hasn't been paid in seven years. And yeah, I'm kind of wondering. And I know that I'm in charge of all that, but like between like expenses and like income and what's going on with the business. It's just like it's just too much for me. You know, let's let's make it easy. Let's just use found. Yeah, found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Paying Sleepo, dealing with found Dracula, who's sort of a Dracula that uses found banking, bookkeeping, etc. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky outdated apps. Found identified the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses, things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoices, budgeting, waking up Sleepo. And they built an app that does it all directly from your business checking account. Found is reimagining what business banking should be by putting your bookkeeping, invoicing and tax tools directly into your business checking account. Plus they have this vampire named found Dracula. And that guy, he knows what he's doing. No, guys, we don't have to. We don't have to keep talking about it. Found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. I personally, now that I'm using found, my life is so much easier. I don't have to juggle multiple apps. I don't have to go chasing receipts. I don't dread taxis anymore. I have a Dracula that will suck the blood, I want to say, out of an editor who is asking to be paid. You want to say I want to say. So take back control of your business today. Open a found account for free at found.com. That's F O U N D. Dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with found your getting sleep. OK, guys, I'm getting an email from the brand. They say they never authorized found Dracula. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm not official. I'm just a Dracula who uses found. I could swear that they wanted us to use you. Could have sworn that they were desperate for us to do this. I'm from bank transfer. I'm from bank transfer. They know what I'm from Milwaukee. Ah, ah, sorry, I'm just looking at myself in the mirror. You guys, I don't I don't think I really like my clothes right now. I think I need a spring refresh. Oh, what kind of stuff are you looking for? Yeah, like like like stylish timeless pieces, like maybe like a raincoat and like a cashmere like sweater that's like transitional from winter to spring. Oh, Aaron, I would not wear a cashmere sweater over a raincoat. It's going to get absolutely ruined if there's rain. I'm putting it together. That's not what you meant. OK, Aaron, have you heard about quints? Quints makes high quality, everyday essentials using premium materials like 100 percent European linen and their insanely soft, flonid, active wear fabric. They have linen pants and shirts that are lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Basically the perfect layer for spring. The pants strike the right balance between laid back and refined. So you look put together without trying too hard. Aaron, is that what you're going for? Uh, yeah. OK. Well, Aaron, also you silly goose. The best part about quints is that their prices are 50 to 60 percent less than similar brands. How you're screaming at me. Aaron, please stop screaming. How? Quints works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. Everything is designed to last and it makes getting dressed easy. I have a purse from Quints that I have people stop me when I'm walking around LA to ask me where I get it because it looks very expensive, but it's not. It's going to last me years and years. I also have a ring from there that I love. They've got home stuff that's timeless and awesome. Incredible rugs, curtains. They've got baby stuff. They've got baby stuff. Baby stuff that I purchased. It's very cute. E. So why don't you do yourself a favor and refresh your wardrobe with quints? Quints.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. Go to Q I N C E.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com slash riddle. Aaron, you're wearing your purse. You should actually you're pulling it off. And I look incredible. Hey, Aaron, hey, JPC, can you guys help me figure something out? Oh, sure. Always. Yeah, this charge. I pull up my bank account here. I have this charge. It says JPC tax five thousand dollars. It's like a monthly deduction. Oh, I yes. No, no, I go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you. Oh, thank God. We signed up for the free trial like three months ago and then we forgot about it. And I I noticed that I got like a ping for Rocket Money in my email and they let me know that I'd been paying for lost another one to Rocket Money. Oh, man. Yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings unless you're me with the JPC tax and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and context. Also, if you have like in a big event coming up like something that like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that. The app consolidates checking savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor. And I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is. Yeah, I love Rocket Money, but Aaron, I do hate that voice. Was that JPC? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that? Oh, no. So that's just like that's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off. Oh, that's kind of scary. We'll get with that later. We'll let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. Lost another one to Rocket Money. Yeah, that's not even coming from your phone. Yeah, that's true. Is that coming from inside of our heads maybe? Yeah, like heaven maybe? Yoics, blicks. JPC, you know how Adel got turned into a boat and he's a boat now? Got turned, turned him turned himself. Right. You know, got turned sounds like a witch did it. You're right. This this time he elected to do it. Yes. Well, I just got back from his he went on his maiden voyage and I was the one in charge of hitting him really hard with champagne and I am exhausted. Oh, yeah, it really took a lot of cracks to get that bottle burst on him. It didn't break at all right away. It took like 18 minutes. You know, first of all, I had the opportunity to say that you look exhausted and I didn't take it. So points for me. Aaron, you should take a nap. Oh, on my Helix mattress. Oh, I forgot my midnight lux. I've had it for years and I am obsessed with this mattress. I also love my Helix midnight lux. It's great for me as a side sleeper and it sleeps the same as when I bought it years ago. It's a mattress that truly has held up and stood the test of time. Every time I have a dog sitter stay here, they ask me what my mattress is because they love it so much. And I go, you just got to take a quick little quiz, buddy. You got to take a quiz. They batch you with a mattress and then also they have a hundred and twenty night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. So if you don't like it, that's OK, but you will. You'll love it. And I wonder, I know what you're thinking. How am I going to get this mattress? Well, it's free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US, which is, I guess, bad news for Adel because I believe his boat. I almost said his boat, but it's just him. He's in international waters now. Ah, so it doesn't count. I don't know what. Yes, plus with Helix, with Helix sleep, returns are easy. They have the rest happy with Helix guarantee. You can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. They happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you are completely satisfied with your new mattress. Plus, they are the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Wow. Yeah, Aaron, look, I know you already have one, but you got to get another. All you got to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for their spring savings event now until April 16th. That is 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for the spring savings event through April 16th, 20% off site wide helixsleep.com slash riddle. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. Adel is a boat now and I hit him so hard in the head with a champagne bottle. Helixsleep.com slash riddle. I think hitting the head on a boat means something different. Casey, you also have a team. Well, hold on. Is this our first Canadian team? This is. This is our first Canadian team. Well, Canada. What's what's that noise? What's that noise? It just mm, can't it grow any more? Aaron, well, you better get you better have mm's in the chamber because you're about to meet our second Canadian team. This is the Saskatchewan Sasquatches. Oh, okay. Look at this buddy. A Canadian embarrassment of riches is. Look at this buddy. Formerly the Ottawa or a Burroughs, but once we integrated them into the league, made a little change. Yes, this is the Saskatchewan. Skas, Jesus Christ. This is the Saskatchewan. You did this and you did this. Okay, to be fair, I said it is a joke. And then Janet said it was really funny. And so I was like, well, I got it. I got to do it. And of course, the mascot is a Saskatchewan, but not just any Sasquatch. The big man himself, the big foot. You can see he's wearing his baseball shoes, but his feet are just too big. His toes are popping out the front and he's got just a jolly expression. He's a real jovial soul. And it turns out the only reason he was in hiding all these years was he just he needed the right opportunity to shop. He didn't want to be famous for fame's sake. You know, he wanted to like kind of make it on his own. In fact, when he auditioned to be our mascot, he like didn't even use his real last name. He was like, yeah, I'm Big Toe. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then we found, you know, we kind of came to the background. He said his name was Big Toe. He said his name was Big Toe. And I was like, oh, that's funny. That's kind of like Big Foot, but not. He kind of went like and he pulled out his sleeve or collar. But yeah, he's the man. We know him. We love him. That's Big Foot, the mascot of the Saskatchewan Sasquatches. And I think I speak for JPC and I when we say. What? That we are we are happy to be representing what will probably be the 51st state judging by the state of our country. And I think I speak for JPC and I when I say I don't think old people should be allowed to vote. Now, that I agree with 100 percent. Casey, now I have a question for you. So obviously Winnipeg, which is the largest city in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, that is the profits. So do the Sasquatches play? Are they just kind of do they roam around all of Saskatchewan? Is that so? Guess what doesn't really have a big city that you can point to? JPC, that is a great question. Yeah. Would it surprise you to hear that I did not think about anything other than the similar sound of the the name and can I have it? Can I pitch something to you, Casey? Yeah. Could they play in Saskatoon? They play in Saskatoon. OK, yes. OK, so just it's received and accepted and canonized. The Saskatchewan Sasquatches live from Saskatoon Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. At seven. At seven. Your other options are apparently Moose Jaw, Buffalo Narrows, Tisdale, some pretty fun places in Canada. I love this design so much. I think I didn't realize that this was also a little bit of a in my mind contest of who would be the best cereal mascot. But this is I want to eat whatever this cereal. It's a he's he's going to get a lot of yeah. He's going to get a lot of sponsors. He's going to get a lot of contracts. I love that his feet are bursting out of his sneakers. I assume it's because he's a big he has big feet because he's big. They just don't make them. They don't make them that big. It creates a real chill like Tiva kind of like hiking in sandals. Like this guy, like I've never been more sure that I would guys from the same country as bear naked ladies. Can I can I pitch something you feel good? Your last pitch went so well. You absolutely Saskatchewan and Minotoba, they border each other. And when the Sasquatches play the wind goes, would it make sense if we played in a kind of border town? Because there is a town on the border called Flynn Flawn. And I don't know anything about Flynn Flawn. OK, a new player has entered the. A lot of later rivals today. Yeah, there's there's Musamin and Flynn Flawn. They're both kind of on the border, but I do think I'm going to read about Flynn Flawn now and it appears to be in a field with a sign that says Flynn Flawn in it. That's awesome. Casey, can I ask you one more question really quick? How many times has your mascot seen Dave Matthews band and concert? Yeah, if the answer is lost count, does it count if he joined them on stage? It counts. Yeah, it counts. OK, then. Then you're 160. Yeah, it makes sense. That track. I mean, he toured with them for three years there. And what do you want? That makes sense. Now, I have a question for Adel Adel to throw it back to you. Yes. Do you think we have time to do this? I think we can start the draft. I don't know if we'll finish the draft. One, two, three, four, hey, Riddle, Riddle's Glue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast That Was Us Now on Head Gum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive. Yeah. From our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to That Was Us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.