Esquire, Encore, & Emergencies

So I do my set, crush, kill, other people's words, levitate the room. I heard it, I saw it, it trended. Bill Burr texted me. Look at me. Well, the thing about me that's interesting. Looks cool. Well, the thing about me that's neat. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hi, did you guys see my S-Fire interview yet? Guess what? And by the way, it's the fact of the matter. Don't you know you gotta go? No joke, joke, joke. I've been to Magic Mountain. Let me tell you something. Off the record, more mountain than magic, and it's not in place. All right, before we get started on this very special episode, seriously, we do have some breaking news on a gentleman who claims to know where Jeffrey Epstein is at this time. And it's kind of shocking, and we're going to get to it in a second. That sounds pretty serious. We're going to get to our guests. Our guests will be here in just a few minutes. Okay. Let's talk about our weekend first. Okay. That's more important. But it's coming up. It's coming up. Stick around. You'll be happy when you stick around. You're not going to see this coming. Yeah. So, Dana. Yeah. What? Selfie. Selfie of yourself? No, of you. I took your side. Oh, your hair looks pretty cool today. Well, I was trying to. I want people asking about my hair a lot. Yeah, what's your hair story? My hair story is that, well, two things. One is there's a lot of noise in my brain. I mean, you're kind of quiet in there, right? You're not neurotic like I am, or you are. I'm not sure. So I want my hair to represent. If it's super combed, it feels like it doesn't represent what's going on inside my brain. Oh, I get it. Yeah, I agree with you. I like people that have their hair a little messy. Plus, when I was 10 years old, I'd see the Beatles during the hard days, night or whatever, and they always had deconstructed hair. They never had severe parts, and look at my hair. So those are the two things I got. Sometimes they had those bangs at the beginning that were pretty... That was kind of revolutionary in a way to do the bowl cut, the bangs forward. I know, it's so weird, right? I know, but now I do it all the time. You've got your look down. No, I like my hair today because we did it yesterday. I did an interview for Esquire. When is that coming out, Heather? I don't know. I don't know. Wait a minute. You learn most of it here. Are you making a move? I mean, I hear Esquire. Am I making money moves? Well, are you just making a move? In the ladder of show business, are you making moves? Are you shaking the tree? I mean, what's this Esquire magazine profile? It was actually good. This is the editor of Esquire. He sat down. He read my book. He saw the last special, and he's like, let's get into it. but it got a little deeper than normal. Well, what would be the byline? What's going to be the thing? David Spade, what is it going to be, you think? I mean, I'm sort of an open book anyway. We know all my dumb stories. So he did dig into the dad a little bit. What I've learned. Oh, the whole thing is called What I've Learned. So I don't know. I didn't know that ahead of time because I didn't tell anything. Oh, that's kind of, yeah, a little more profound or something. Yeah. Yeah. He did ask me what would I have. Tell your younger self. What's the first line of my obituary? I don't like death stuff like that, but I know. Well, Merv Griffins was the greatest, the talk show host from the 70s. I won't be right back. That's not his tombstone. Because he always says we'll be right back. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he asked me what I would tell my twerpy self. Oh, go back in time. sounds kind of interesting did they record you and then they're going to print what you said or is it going to be interpreted it was a live interview with uh and it was in black and white even though i wore a sweater that really popped that's kind of hip yeah and so i think oh yeah what's oh i guess you'll have to see what my big line was i had to make up well have you got a banger as i call them or a trender or is it going to be noisy is it are we going to see some daily mail i mean that was burt reynolds saying the worst sin in show business is to be boring yeah no matter what i think we didn't get that memo did we falling into that yeah uh well it's also you see these people that want to be famous and they get on like a reality show and they'll do anything and then they regret it for the next 20 years it just follows you and they don't realize at the time don't be saying everything on your mind at all times don't be filming it. Don't be... Keep a little mystery about yourself. Yes, it's good to have a little... Not everyone needs to know every god dang thing about you. God dang it. Yeah, dab nab it, I agree. I hate to sound... I hate to use those words. I hate to sound like a TV cowboy from 1958. God dang it? God dang it? Come on now, Duke! Dag nab it is a good one. Dag nab it. Yeah, that's Bugs Bunny, I think. Oh, you can send a picture? Maybe. Heather will send Greg a picture. We'll put it up of the interview, even though it's not that exciting. But anyway, the guy was super cool. I liked him. And I will tell you about it. I wiped out last night at the comedy store. These count as stories that are unremarkable, but I have my neck issues. I'm feeling good. I'm heading on the road today. So I do my set, crush, kill, other people's words, levitate the room. I heard it. I saw it. It trended. Bill Burr texted me. Oh, dude, I was walking out and Bill Burr was walking in. Oh, really? The thing about pickles. You know what drives me absolutely nuts? Microphones. What do you think? A fucking microphone. Get a megaphone. Just talk. Talk loud. How about that? We're such pussies. We need a microphone. There's fucking 30 people here. What do you need? You know what drives me out of my fucking mind? Horses. What's the fucking hors d'oeuvre? You know what? I don't like how they fucking spell it. You got apostrophe in there and some bullshit. Oh, no. Oh, Stop the Riff is here. What? Look at me. Well, the thing about me that's interesting. Looks very cool. Well, the thing about me that's neat, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, the fact is black and white. Now, did they buy you the clothes? Or were those your own clothes that happened to be? It was my clothes. It looks like a T-neck. It is not. oh it's not a mock t-neck obviously no is it what's the real color of that blue of course oh most of my shit's blue well you look it makes you look kind of uh like uh classic like sort of iconic i think it's very cool clooney they say a lot of a lot of people are saying it many people are saying they're talking about clooney george clooney George Clooney. He's not a very good actor. You know how Trump took on. I know. I like doing Bill Burr as funny because it's so funny. He was on the set. We had a lot of people there last night. Bobby Lee was there acting nuts. Bobby Lee is very likable and fun to hang out with. Oh, yeah. He's a human. He's Xanax in human form. I mean, you're going to get very happy and relaxed, I guess. I don't take Xanax. It was such a disheveled night when I got off. so Annie Letterman is there. She goes, you either bring up me or Bobby Lee. And I'm like, I don't like this because then I got to finish and I got to be the emcee and go, all right, you're next deck. Fine. You don't know. And I don't know. So I go, all right. Then I'm finished instead of like, I gave him my big razzle dazzle ending. And then I go, all right. And then I go, wait, who's next? And then I go, who am I bringing up? Stick your head out of the curtain so I could see. No one's there. All right. Oh, one of those things. Is the show going to keep going or no? No one's there. I go, this show is such a disaster. So then I go, encore? So I walk back and do more. And then I hear Bobby go, all right, it's me. I'm here now. And I go, oh. I've got to get out of here. What are you talking about? An encore? I know. I made my own encore. Oh, my goodness. Why are we standing? Please. I know. It wasn't really an encore, but I had to keep going. So then I went to leave, and I walked around, and I have to cut through the side of the crowd. And this pudgy fat guy had his table stuck out too far. Isn't that redundant? Or is it a type of fat guy? Okay. This sort of overweight fat guy. Yeah, I got you. And so I'm walking straight down to the exit. It's along the edge, but you don't want to steal from the show, you know? So I go down, and he's like this. Whoa. And he's got his table, these little square tables. And it's pitch black. You know the comedy store. Black tables, black room. You can't see. Oh, I know. It's weird. and I'm hustling through and I crack in full sprint my knee into a table and that was the biggest pain it spun me around and snap my neck and everyone goes whoa like it was so pain oh it was that hard and I was oh my god my neck and then I was like couldn't care less about my legs because they're tough as shit but the neck was like oh fragile glass I'd like to see you hit and then do a full 360 on the comedy store floor and then the guy was like hey what are you laughing at you caused this accident yeah i went i don't know if folks at home know that uh you know let me say it's kind of a an effeminate sport me have microphone to say funny things but you can get wounded you You can really, I had a brain scam once after falling off the stage at the laboratory, the little improv room. The lab at the improv? Well, because it was a one foot thing and they had a piano over there and it's pitch black. Yeah. And so I went down and there was hard surfaces. So I was in a killing cage. I was doing the church like, well, isn't that special? And then I was in a killing cage. So I went outside into the driveway, whatever out there. and the guy came out and I go, am I okay? Like, do I look okay? Like, was I bleeding? But I had a migraine. Next day, brain scan. Came back negative. What a puss. He went to get a MRI. I like brain scans. I mean, call me crazy, but they get you in that machine. Yeah. So, you know, sometimes after this podcast, I get a brain scan at the local hospital just because. Because you drive me nuts. Yeah, it's true. I heard the bouncer say, I was there when that happened to Dana. We went outside. His hair was a little down on final net, but other than that, it was fine. That was the major. Yeah, isn't that a spray or something? Final net hairspray? Yeah. There you go. I, you know. I drenched my hairspray. Anyway, I got out of there somehow. Of course, I stole focus from the show. I was like, oh, is he okay? He's scared. I walk out and it starts pissing, pouring rain on me, on my beautiful hair. I was like, oh, it can't get worse. It can. But I walked in the rain like a tough guy. Hold on a second. Took my $28 check. Hold on a second. Get David umbrella for his birthday? Oh, yeah. I'm not only to carry umbrellas. Who needs an umbrella? You're a guy. You're wet. Yeah, get a rain jacket with a hood. What, you need a fucking Mary Poppins stick on your fucking hand? What are you going to fly around the comedy store? What, chim chimery? What are you, fucking dickhead? Get a fucking raincoat with a hood on the top. Drives me nuts. Yeah, be a fucking man. Go work on your car. Don't get upset, you pussy. Drives me fucking nuts. Everything's driving me up a fucking wall. And speaking of walls, what the fuck is with walls? Why do you need one? Oh, yeah. Well, I think it creates a room. Get the fuck out of my face with the room and shit. Just stay on your side. Who needs a wall? Yeah, walls. It's fucking great. 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A lot of people work from home, so you got those set up. You got desks, chairs, bookcases, fake backdrops. Get a nice bookcase. And for you, accent pillows, because I know those are big in your life. I take the accent pillow and then I karate chop it to make it look like that. I know, and they think you're joking, but you're not. I'm serious. It's very convenient. They have everything you want. They got a huge selection of home decor items. It's easy to find what's right for you. Yeah, you were looking, what are you looking for? Shays lounges? Well, I was looking for just a little couch or a Shays lounge. And then I just saw like 20 different options. So I'm going to order one probably today. So you look, you see, it's easy to find. You look, you see. Yeah, anything you want, you can navigate their site very easily. And like I said, it seems like high-quality stuff for a very reasonable price. So check it out. I always hear about it, and now I know more about it. But it's the place to go. Listen, get organized, get refreshed, get back on track this year for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style. Every home. Every home. I won't be as funny as your story, but midnight, two nights ago, something like that, right? Asleep. This comes on. You know when it's an emergency alert? I had the ringer off. Emergency alert. Tornado. Tornado in your vicinity. Tornado. Tornado. Tornado in your vicinity. Please, please, you know, get in a small room in your house. I can't. It's scarier than anything. Well, the idea, yeah, tornadoes landed maybe 10 miles away. It's heading our way. And there's lightning and noise and rain. And then I'm just checking every second because I love the math of it, the radar, where it's heading. It's going east. It's sliding down. And then the sky just lights up. Just like it's like there's reporters out in front of the door. I open it up and they're like, just lightning. blinding light yeah and just rumbling rumbling you know and i thought wow spades so relaxed down there and logangles yeah juicy i'm like this fucking no but i could hear it pounding on the ceiling and it does wake me it's so loud the rain lightly has been so loud well it's not even a job we watched hannah and your sisters earlier in the evening my wife and i with woody allen so then as this was happening just to calm everyone down i was like yeah sure great you know that's all i need is a tornado you know i gotta be you know dorothy going to see the munchkins you know no it was a wonderful tornado it's just like i like to be terra firma you know and don't mean to be didactic or facetious but it's a bit of a breeze don't we didn't mean to be irridiculous expi cali allidocious hey that's our second mary poppins oh my god and if we do three then we have lottery winners on our i'm gonna make bill burr listen to this just to see what he's missing and he'll go we'll talk like that well remind him that it was i it was a character i did before i knew bill yeah it was from the night flatter no matter what it was about east coast comedians who who uh harbor like greet anger comedy which they're hysterical throughout history and then they get rich and famous and they have to kind of think of something that would make them it's funny he's so calm and normal backstage oh yeah and bill burr if you ever run into him folks no matter what if you start talking about it just say who is your favorite drummer it's over yeah he likes 20 minutes drums and he likes drums drums yeah so uh he's the cool yeah should we check in with that breaking news yet or not yeah our guest has actually arrived he's in the green room is that right craig yeah guests in the green room okay let's see oh here he's coming in sort of a back way um this guy knows something about epstein yeah oh boy okay uh hello hello everybody I'm so glad to be on your show. Well, hi. So you claim to know something about where Jeffrey Epstein was? Yeah. Does he look like Jeffrey Epstein to you? No, he looks a little bit like, it feels like it's Jeffrey Epstein with a mustache or something. Don't you hear ridiculous. Jeffrey Epstein does not have a mustache last I checked, idiot. You fucking moron. Oh, that's a little harsh. I'm the host. Come on. Hey, come on. What is your name? What is your name? Yeah, what's your name? Steve. Steve. So why should we listen to you? Why would you have any idea where Jeffrey Epstein is? I don't know. You have any money on you? Oh, boy. You want money? Well, I thought he had so much to use. I want some money. Wait a minute. Who is this? David Spade. Yeah. I heard about the Esquire cover. You look great. You did already? Yes. It's out everywhere. Oh, it was a pretty fun interview. Thank you. At least Dan Agarno is an idiot, but you know I don't look like Jeffrey Epstein. No, you don't. Now that I think, you don't. He was looking rough. He does not have a mustache. No, he doesn't. This is insanity. So why would anybody think that I am Jeffrey Epstein? But I do know where he is. Well, where is he and what is he up to? Well, it was a long night at the jail, and some people woke me up and said, Hey, you want to go for a ride, Jeffrey Epstein? Oh, a lot of people think that's what happened. Oh, wait a minute. That wasn't me. Jeffrey Epstein doesn't have a mustache, David Spade. Why are you crazy thinking I'm Jeffrey Epstein when he never had a mustache? I understand. Should we come back to this, or should we? I just want one more question. Okay. Are you in witness protection? Yeah. Is that what you are? Witness protection. I got a goal. So anyway, that was our guest today. Oh, he said he's got a goal? I thought he said he had a goal in soccer. Goal. I want to remind the audience that David and I do not rehearse these bits. Yeah, there's not possible. I just had my friend Marker and Sean make me a Jeffrey Epstein, and with black magic marker, I made a mustache. We should have a crawl at the bottom that says, there was no thought put into any of these bits today. There's no effort or thought. No, it is. There's effort. We did a good job. No, no, absolutely. I like that. Now, if you're in your car, if you don't see it, it's a little trickier. But it was a gentleman who looked like Jeffrey Epstein, identical twin, but had a mustache, and was very upset that we even suggested he could be Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. Yeah. um so we do have any other stories in the weekend or should we get to some news or what do you got really just the storms and um you know i mean i just stuff i was in hell angelus for a few days oh yeah do you want to do buzzing around oh yeah do you have it in you to do buzzing around absolutely i've always i've always got to do I keep doing that voice now. I can't get out of it. Okay, we're going to do buzzing around. Buzzing around. It's sponsored by 5-Hour Energy, as we know, and is the return of their confetti craze flavor. Bring big birthday energy wherever you go with this. Plan your confetti craze party at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon, available now. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a scenario. A scenario. It can go wherever it wants. Yeah, and then you just make up a bunch of stupid stuff. It's got impressions. This is going to be Joe Biden as a highway patrol. Okay, because we had Trump. Yeah, he's going to pull over Paul McCartney, and there will be Michael Caine in the car. There will be Bad Bunny fresh off the Super Bowl in the car. I'll work on my bad bunny and anyone else that can fit in the car if there is anyone else it doesn't matter I'll see where I go some thoughts go how'd it go just roll out the window oh you do the window effect roll out the window Well, I love that you just go right into it and don't even think. That's okay. That's the next way. Well, hello, officer. This is Paul McCorney. License and registration. What are you doing as a high-wave gentleman? I thought you were the ex-president of the United States of America. Yeah, that's shocking for Paul. i should get out she thought i should get out and have a job no joke i'm not getting around here come on folks well i don't you know i'm just here here is my friend uh uh michael kane and bad bunnies in the back so i i back i don't really have license and registration it's in liverpool but i do have um i have an arby's takeout menu with that too take out an arby's come on that'll That'll do good. They got the beef. Hey, we've got the beef. I'm not kidding around here. I can't believe Biden knows they've got the beef. They got the beef. No joke. I'm being serious. Come on. Okay. Hey, Michael Caine. Oh, Michael Caine. I don't know what I'm doing here. I've got a bloody driver's license, but Paul McCartney wouldn't let me drive. Right, bad bunny? Ugh. careful hey I speak hola I speak Spanish I speak hola I like you people how are you senior Biden what's up what's up I got married come on I don't speak all this stuff you seem like a good man Where's the bad bunny? I am the bad bunny. Come on. There is a bad bunny. I am the bad bunny. Right, Bob Dylan? Hey, policeman. Policeman talking strange. Kind of crazy policeman. No, come on. Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, everybody. Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is... Good job. Ka-da-ka-pa-da-pa. Ke-pasa, ke-pasa, ke-pasa. Ba-da-ba. Oh, wait. Here comes a motorcycle policeman, Dennis Miller. Christ sakes you got a cavalcade of stars on here What are the odds that McCartney would be gallivanting across the world in an Oldsmobile with that kind of motley crew back there right David Spade Hi, did you guys see my Esquire interview yet? And seen! Okay, good. I didn't know I was going to be in it. That's five-hour energy, man. That's a lot of energy. By the way, you see how my things are all brightly. Oh, yeah. My five-hour energy. Looks unbelievable. Look at that. Looks like a professional. That was buzzing around with Dana Carvey. Sponsored by Five-Hour Energy's Confetti Craze flavor. Backed by popular demand, Confetti Craze tastes like the best birthday cake ever with its rich, buttery, and vanilla-y flavors. Since Five-Hour Energy's shots are tiny and receivable, it's easy to take to a birthday anywhere you go. How sweet it is. Plan your confetti craze party at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon. It's available now. That was good. I like that Biden knows a lot of stuff. I know. And it's interesting in his post-presidency that he would go through the academy and become a highway patrolman. And have the focus to do it. And also that Paul McCartney probably could write a song about that, about his little catchphrases. And by the way. guess what and by the way it's the fact of the matter don't you know you gotta go no jokey joke joke I see yeah that was like for no one kind of rippy rip yeah so we did that and uh we'll get us some um we're clicking them off stories really great yeah that was funny I liked it um I enjoyed it because I like the idea of those people in one little scene together I like just hearing what you're gonna say uh i my bad bunny i'm gonna work on it no i like cape us we got married there yeah uh improv is the funnest i gotta say uh okay what else let's see what's give me a news story i won't jump right into these big stories these nonsensical stories we had our store that turns out are usually never true but that's fine okay here we go oh shocking a Chinese female Oh streamer reportedly lost a bunch of followers oh her her filter on her oh she had a filter and the filter popped off and she looked like she's eight years old oh oh she has a face filter like Wow, that's intense. So I could put on a David Spade face of potential. She looks still pretty, just different. Yeah, just different. She's a tan. Yeah, she looks fine in both. But you can put on filters, I guess. You just don't know. I mean, I feel like if you're on Instagram and you're making money and people are clicking on, you could just be like, oh, this is a character. It's a super pretty character That will make money Because what are the chances you're ever going to meet the actual person Or find out for real what anyone looks like So who knows Could I do an AI face that looked like Every character I just did Like identical like Paul McCartney's Hawking You might be able to put that Kyle Dunningin does stuff like that He's got some face swap thing He does it but it's probably more sophisticated now It probably gets better every week Every hour AI is taking over but yeah so thoughts and prayers go out to her for losing 140 followers 40,000 that's a lot actually if I did that I don't know if I'd come to work if you lost followers I would crawl up into a ball oh yeah you know what you'd feel so bad you'd probably finally follow me don't do I follow you I can't remember you're like we're not there yet let's take it slow yeah um i'm just sort of uh unintentionally mysterious but that's all right when you meet people danie you've never run into this because you're out there in the tornadoes but when you're like backstage tornado alley yeah we bought the house in dorothy country yeah why is this house so cheap well i don't know it just is it's not in tornado alley is it oh don't be ridiculous um if you move to a place called twister meadows there might be a tornado if you move to a town called flying furniture dakota you just might meet a tornado if you move to a town called temporary town there might be in the tornado alley if you move to a town called oozing sore minnesota you might have people with ambulatory injuries on a consistent face we switched it i know i switched it from to oozing sore i like it um no that's an old uh Larry King bit I used to do that when he would talk you know Roanoke Virginia the towns they would sound like diseases creeping rash Minnesota you're on you know losing sore Nebraska pustule Nevada pustules good pustules that's that's a gross one because one time someone said to me three in a row I have a boil on my arm I go sick they go no it's a goiter I go swirters they go no like a a pustule. I go, bleh. Jeez, when did they make their way to the word hunchback from a pustule goiter into a hunchback? Hi, Gary Goiter. How are you? That's a bad last name. I would change my name if that name was Gary Goiter. Remember what happened to Gary Glitter? Who was Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter was in the band The Glitteronis. That's a spinoff of SpaghettiOs. No, he was... oh that guy oh it's every game oh man does he get a piece of that for every game yeah but he got involved in some stuff okay we'll leave it at that so he got in trouble um ethereum we'll leave it to the comment section to figure it out i love where these arenas are named after crypto and crypto drops way down on the arena, they have to actually try to shrink it. It's really complicated to make it look not so important. What, the crypto or the arena? Well, if it's like crypto arena and then crypto goes away, they have to like turn crypto into a different word. So the crew goes up there and they rearrange the letters and it spells TOE CRIPE. And it's just not the same. No, I think I don't like me. Give me an assist here. I'm drowning in this. I don't like naming arenas. I'm helping. because I like, you know, I like the Dodger Stadium. I like, you know, when they say like Tiger. Name of the team. Soldier Field. Just cool. And then they turn it into like Target Center. Bill's Sanitation Center Stadium. Arizona has that Waste Management. I know. I know. Waste Management Arena. Well, it used to be called like the Garbage Can Arena. It was something like, you go, come on, guys. I think the one that was the worst is the Constipated Stadium. It's in East Texas. It's like a 70,000. Yeah. Welcome to the Constipated Stadium in today's game. It's ironically in Diarrheaville, Texas. If you live in Diarrheaville, Texas, you just might have to stay close to an outhouse. Capisce? Jeff Foxley. I did Jeff Foxley on SNL. and I was the Ebola virus. Oh, that's right. You did do them. Go ahead. People, if you are, and then I don't know. I can't remember it. But if you da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da, you just might be da-ba-da-ba. The Ebola virus. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I was doing. That was a weekend update bit. All right, one more story, and then we'll do two more after that. Okay. Mm-hmm. Oh, this is Colin Jost from SNL. He's at the Olympics. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's see what he says. Oh, he did the bobsled. Oh, he did the top with a very gifted driver, thankfully, Brian Burkhorn. I was not prepared for the level of terror of this bobsled. Look at how fast they go. Oh, yeah. And they mic you too, which is horrible. that's wild i thought my bones were gonna fly off my body and be lured all up he was not ready he was literally he just thought it'd be like disneyland or something look at how rough it is well they go at eight miles an hour right i would be bawling my head off how did he not know though well i guess until you're in the sled and going you know well because he's in a production meeting they're like it'd be fun jump on the bob said whoo go down like a toboggan he's like all right i could probably do that okay sign these waivers these death waivers i don't know if i'm much of a thrill seeker i was once at the doing this corporate date and there was a uh west virginia or something and there was a gigantic brand new roller coaster but it was like triple triple upside down it was bigger than godzilla it was just huge and local news like and dana carvey the church lady is going to take a ride on this beauty and i wasn't looking forward to it you know oh you said you would do it it was the maiden voyage you know they had they hadn't been tested out so i'm going i'm going all right i'll do it what the you know and then they go up the temperature is too low we we can't go because it might stick it was so cold it was cold but it it dropped suddenly to like whatever 42 or 30 something it dropped and we couldn't go and i had to pretend the lord pretend that i was disappointed oh i wanted to go man dude all you need like i did the roundup when i was a kid where you stick to the walls and then the floor drops out and you're spinning and i'm like just trying to be cool with everyone i go nope no more like it is so i don't need that amount of scare in my body it's like you're almost getting in a crash that fear but for like four minutes why don't I know people know because I did that with my sister-in-law. She was like 10 years old at Magic Mountain. And you go in a room and there's a floor and you're all up against the wall. It's circular. If people don't know about this. Flashbacks. It starts going round and round and round to the point where you're pinned against the wall because the centrifugal force is so extreme. You're already nauseous and have a headache. And then the floor slowly goes away. So you're just on the wall going. It's like... No, then it goes like this, Dana. It starts tilting. Now you're going like this. Oh, I don't know if I did that. Like, I'm in a fucking dryer. I'm like, you're joking. This cannot be legal. But the 10-year-old was at the time, Neve, she bounced out of there like happy. Oh, yeah. And I was really sick for like at least an hour. People that tell you, I've been to Magic Mountain. Let me tell you something. Off the record, more mountain than magic, and it's not even close. It's 98% mountain. Very little magic. I'm just if I go to Pirates of the Caribbean and has that little teeny thing in the front, but everything is environmental and there's puppets talking at me. I'm happy, but I have enough stress. I don't want to go upside down or be dropped a thousand feet. I even did the fucking teacups. The teacups. Is that it? Heather showed it to me. This is terrifying. That's it. It's terrifying. She just found it. It looks like you're in an air filter. Okay. Is there a picture we can show? She can send it. it'll like interrupt the next story we'll come back and show everyone how sick it is people know when they go on these rides you don't need it and if you hurt yourself I always show on my Instagram I'm on some algo where it's like ride fails and I'm like that's a little light of a term to show 300 people dying like they do one of these things and then it just unhooks and they all fly in the air and smash and everyone's like wah wah but when it does get stuck and it's 400 feet in the air and everyone has to get out of that little teacup and go down these little... Or stuck upside down. Or stuck upside down. It's just that they get stuck, a mechanical thing. But as a kid, it was the county fair where the carnies and the gypsies would come in and set up the thing the day before. So a lot of the rides would just fall apart in real time. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy. No chance. No chance. Okay. I got the teacups. Got the teacups Let put those D cups in the teacups What the next thing You go on Tom Sawyer Island Is that what it is Go on one of those cases I like how Dennis goes very quiet Dennis is quiet. Okay, Carvey, that sounds like fun. You take a little ride and go. Tom Sawyer's Island with the drawbridge where you see Winnie, the mute, greet you. Hey, here's fucking Glico. He lives under the sink. survey says Thorzine alright let's see we should have Dennis on I know we gotta get him on it's hard to make him live up to what he sounds like okay what is this I can't read it what does it say let's see I can get it Calais is a trained dog can detect cancer by scent no cancer cancer cancer cancer A little too excited about cancer. What a cute dog though. So aside from not liking dogs walking on like hardwood with their nails, I like this video because they put all these things out and the dog goes right to like a little. Yeah. It's traditionally sort of a little bit sad or dark, a story about cancer, but then the dog lifted it into joy. you know they should have that dog just walk around an airport or just walk around you know anywhere a mall go to the grove and then the dog walks up to you and points and you're like oh fuck is this the cancer no okay thanks whoever thought of the phrase man's best friend had it going you know starting to sniff out things that are negative and will kind of guard you at night they go does this guy have cancer no no or just cocaine well they do they do They smell everything Yeah And each other Okay Another idea Yeah they like to smell butts That's where they lost me And they cannot lie I like smelling butts And I cannot lie These other brothers can't deny And I'm sprung And I get home Oh I like that you know that Let's get sprung Oh no I mean That is Might be the greatest hip hop song It's catchy It's the catchiest song One of the catchiest songs Okay what's next I'm so beat up for my big incident I've had, yeah, I just was running and gunning For the last six days I'm doing good though I don't even know what this is Let's just see, okay, let's set a play She'd be willing to do this They'll pay you 2.3 million dollars And all you have to do is live alone in this cabin Near Lake Superior for 38 days Oh shit, that's Dana's house The cabin is located right on the lake Surrounded by endless water and trees There's no way this is A living room, a small kitchen a bedroom and a bathroom. 2.3. Wow. The rules are simple. You can't leave the cabin beyond 1,600 feet. This is Dana's life. So? No phone. That's me. No phone. No phone. At first, it feels like paradise. The calm water. Yeah. The breeze and the silence. But by day 10, you'll realize that the quiet and vastness become overwhelming. In the last challenge, someone lasted 11 days. Dana's lasted three years. Not with 2.3 million. He said the hardest part wasn't the silence itself. It was hearing only the water in my own breathing. They filmed this thing at my house, to your point. I do. I lease it out. Okay, that's enough. So here's the question. Could you do it? Well, what's the overriding thing? I do do it. Well, you're not starving. You're not hungry. You're just in an isolated. You can't do it for 38 days. You see the guy that lived in The Rock last week on the show? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Sitting in a fucking rock. That'd be a chip shot for him to just sit in a mansion. I could almost do that. I thought it was going to be that there was tides or something. The water would come up and you'd have to swim and save yourself. Or tread water. I mean, for that much money, I mean, if I couldn't have like, if I could only bring a couple of things, I'd bring a couple of my movies, a couple of my magazine articles. And some of your 8x10s to look at. Yeah. Those are in my earthquake kit. I have 8x10s for some reason. Of yourself. Just so the environment will get me sooner. I would just say the people with the 2.3, if that's after tax, call us. Call us. We'll podcast from there. I'll do it. I actually, you would last longer than me on actually any of these shows. You could do Survivor probably. If I had a stack of books or I could watch TV or something, I mean, watch some old movies and read books. Tell me if you remember this. Twilight Zone. a guy stuck in an island but it's covered in books and what happens right at the end of the episode he drops his glasses and they break well are you do you know the actual episode that's the one I kind of remembered okay real quick just for the Twilight Zone do you know what it is yeah yeah Burgess Meredith yeah he's gonna hoit your poignant rock We got to do that on the buzzing around. Okay, good. Remind. He just says it's Burgess Meredith. So Burgess Meredith does a Twilight Zone where he's kind of a nerd that reads all the time at the bank. What are you reading for, Jensen? Put the book down. He never can read. His wife yells at him. All you want to do is read. So then for some reason, he has to go check the vault downstairs in the bank. You know, it gets inside there. There's a nuclear apocalypse. Oh. So he comes up. He comes up, and it's just nobody's around, and it's just isolated, nothing. And he's really disturbed. But then they kind of cut to him a little while later. He's got a stack of books like 10 feet high next to him, and he's saying, I have time now, time to read. So he becomes kind of euphoric. Time, and he reaches for the book, and the glasses fall off and break. but I had time. I had time. And then it cuts the rod surly. Picture if you will. A guy who will eventually play the trainer of Rocky in hit movies. Here in this shitbox show, we like to call the Twilight Zone. The greatest show. He has to walk over to Pearl Vision Center, which has been destroyed. Well, I think the sequel would be he crawls along the broken glass. By feeling, he gets into LensCrafters. He feels around and tries on 300 glasses and eventually hits the jackpot, and the reading begins again. I'm Rudd Surly. You know, my mom's Japanese and my dad's an optometrist, and every December 7th, they attack Pearl Vision Center. Okay. Whose joke is that? That's Mike Sterner from Arizona when I started. I like kind of just basic jokes like that. You know what I mean? just like sterner where's mike sterner call in he was so funny had great song parodies let's have them on you could always get me with a song parody i don't care where you're from i would love well we're gonna be playing let's do a plug city uh next weekend we're gonna be playing thunder valley in lincoln california yeah we are it's gonna be right outside of sacramento and i don't know i'm trying to i'm thinking i might start with guitar i'm trying to shake up my act i I might come out and do something very- Got a black magic marker. But I might have some surprises. Oh, by the way, by the time this is on, we will have aired Eddie Vedder. That was fun. Eddie Vedder, yeah, just a thoughtful, sweet person. Yeah, fun to talk to. That guy is- Yeah, he and I went down the rabbit hole for a sec. Yeah. We could have talked about Revolver and the White Album for like an hour. The Beatles. That was a good time. That was fun. Okay, let's do another story. Then we'll get rid of this. Let's wrap them up. And then let's get to our... Banger. Yes, get a banger. Okay. Oh, this story. X UFC fighter. Seriously? I'm going to do that. Whoa, wait. Wait. You know who I am. I don't know why you're lying. I don't act like you don't know me. I don't know you. You definitely know me. Nice to meet you, though. Yeah, I just don't, don't be lying because girls around and shit. You definitely know me, bro. Not even on some disrespectful shit, but. I don't like your attitude. I don't like your fucking tone. I don't like you at all, though. Okay, yeah. This is a little rough for our podcast. Is he trying to get punched? I mean, you've definitely never been punched if you're doing stuff like this. Are you the guy that got slapped on video? I did, but I'll slap the shit out, so you know. Okay, I'm going to show you the inside of the podcast. Wow. This kid can't win. He's done this before. Oh, he does this to trend? Oh, man. Oh, my God. Did he get up from that? Wow. It's not even the guy who's yelling at it. It's another guy. What's going on now? It sticks. These are streamers. I don't know what's going on. Okay, jump out. Well, this is a feel-good video to end on. I'm glad you guys picked this today. I think we'll skip that one because I don't even know. I feel like it was me accidentally because I saw that guy on a different one, and he was talking so much. I was thinking in my head, sometimes young people just do not know that you can get in a fight and get beat up if you just keep talking and you've got to know when you're around dudes or dudes that are bigger. people have a short fuse and they'll just hit you well that was i think but that wasn't i didn't see that one he kept ratcheting it on the guy it doesn't you know the guy could have the giant guy could have uh like in master disguise you remember the movie sure the uh he learns that you you always hit a man with an open hand you know you make your point but you keep dignity so i think the guy should have slapped him well the guy that got hit yeah the one i actually saw yeah he the problem is first you're on live stream which means it's live while you're doing it so the person you're making fun of feels even worse because it's live you're not going to cut this part out so he's being humiliated and he started flirting with this dude's wife and so the kid was doing that and you're like and the other guy was going you're going to get hit dude you better stop and he goes no man you don't scare me your wife's really pretty and maybe you know she can always walk away and then but it was an open hand like you said and he was like cuckoo oh i thought he it was not open but now this one is another one i hadn't seen but he's back and getting punched again if that's his hook i wouldn't keep doing because it looked like a really yeah that looked like a real either that or was it on the elbow either way he was like it looked like a short right cross with a lot of quick power to it. And his face just went, beep. He went, Guten Nacht. Guten Nacht. That's our new tradition here on Flying the Wall. We're going to have some kind of violent clip. It went violent. End our joy fest. Remember last week we had one in the two? It shouldn't even be happening, but he's asking, you want, really? Hello, everybody. I don't know why you end with a violent clip all the time. I don't know either. You want to send people home with a good feeling, right? Yeah, we want a fake Epstein. That uplifts everyone. I'm not Epstein. Look at the mustache, idiot. Sorry. Thank you, fake Epstein. I guarantee everyone that I'll have a different puppet for next week's episode. All right, well, thank you for hanging in there if anyone stayed with us, and we'll see you next time. Thank you. We appreciate it. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us. Any questions to be asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.