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It's time to turn those what ifs into... with Shopify Today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash RBG. Go to Shopify.com slash RBG. That's Shopify.com slash RBG. Hey, friends. Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff. And I'm David Thomas. And we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. We get a lot of questions about parenting young adults. We do. And so I'm excited to talk about capability within this because we are reading, seeing evidence of more young adults who are struggling in this space, relationally, professionally, spiritually in all the ways, emotionally. And so it feels really important to have this conversation because the truth is, if high school is where patterns solidify, young adulthood is where those patterns start to play out in real life, work, relationships, independence. And what we're seeing right now is a generation of young adults who want independence but aren't always prepared for the weight of it. And often what's underneath that is something that we've been talking about all along, a lack of practice with real life challenge. And one of the biggest cultural shifts that we're seeing is the expectation of special circumstances. We just had a great conversation with a remarkable individual who's a professor on campus who talked about the pattern of accommodations that are happening with regularity. Please hear us say as a disclaimer, we are huge champions of kids who would benefit from accommodations and how it allows those amazing kids to demonstrate all of what they know. We're not against that at all. Please hear us say that. But it's becoming a bit of an across the board experience for kids who don't need those accommodations, who are requesting those accommodations because they don't want the bar set as high. And that's the category we're talking around. And examples of what this individual talked about is just all deadlines should flex, all rules should bend, all expectations should be adjusted. There should be exceptions for turning in assignments, always those things. And when that doesn't happen, there's frustration, even outrage at times. And studies on young adults show that over parenting is linked to higher entitlement and lower responsibility in emerging adulthood. Oh, will you say that again? We love you all. We're so in it with you. And will you say it again? Studies on young adults show that over parenting is linked to higher entitlement and lower responsibility in emerging adulthood. And entitlement is defined as the belief that someone deserves special treatment or exceptions. And here's what's important. If kids haven't had to wait, adjust or work through inconvenience, then the real world can feel unfair instead of just that reality. Yes. I will never forget. And I think we've even talked about it on the podcast. We have a dear friend who had another family coming in town and she, her son had to give up his bedroom for them to come in town and they stayed with them for a long time. And I said, how's your son dealing with that? And she said, I'm not sure and I'm not too concerned because I want him to learn that inconvenience is part of how we care for others. So good. Isn't that beautiful? So good. I love that idea. Okay. Second, we are reading more evidence of young adults who are struggling with what would be considered middle management and young adults who are resisting feedback. None of our day start. I just need to say we have a lot of young adults at Daystar who are remarkable people. So this does not apply to you if you're listening, but are resisting feedback, struggling with authority and they want autonomy without accountability. Part of that is developmental. They're forming their identity, but part of it is lack of exposure to structured authority, constructive feedback and earned responsibility. I will say we talk sometimes about how we don't want to be somebody's first job. We want to be their second because in the first job, you think you should have all the vacation days you could ever imagine and you think you should be able to say, oh, I'm going to leave early today for X reason. Again, that sense of entitlement and you all, it's why we want kids to learn early on like you have said about real life. We've got to think about these things. Okay. Can I tell a funny story? Please. Have a family member that I love who was in a role in their work of doing a lot of hiring of young adults who comment on how often they would do an interview and a young adult would sit down and say at some point in the interview, I want to talk about the things I don't do. I don't clean bathrooms. I don't think run down the list. And hadn't quite gotten the memo that the interview is not where you announce the things you don't do, but you're trying to get a job of things you will do. That feels like such a picture of us. We talk about entitlement. Yes. And I have a dear friend, family member who just interviewed at graduate school. And she said, her interviewer stopped her and said, you have done it. She's with a lot of kindness. You've done such a beautiful job of telling me your accomplishments. I'd really like to hear your struggles. Isn't that great? You all, we need to prepare kids for that. We need to talk about that with kids because capability grows when someone learns. I don't always get to be in charge, but I can still show up well. You know, there are some organizations you just trust because you know the people behind them. That's how we feel about Meno. We have trusted the folks at Meno for years. Our dear friends, Jess and Denise work there, and we've seen firsthand how deeply they care about helping kids know and love Jesus. This isn't just a streaming platform. It's a mission. Meno helps kids and families experience Jesus every day on and off screens. It's the number one source of Christian content for kids, and it makes it super easy and honestly super fun for families to grow and fake together. They've got hundreds of shows designed to spark kids' imaginations while supporting spiritual growth. From the Lavengro Bible for Kids to Young David, Veggie Tells, The Dead Sea Squirrels, which my nephews love, and so much more. And now your Meno membership includes a brand new audio feature with over 100 hours of Bible stories, faith-filled adventures, music, and podcasts. Perfect for bedtime, quiet time, or road trips with screen off listening and even car play. Every episode passes a 50-point checklist covering theology and child development, so it's faith you can trust and fun they'll ask for. And it's completely ad-free. No ads, no worries. Visit gomenno.com to get a one-month free trial using Code RBG. This is a web-only offer. Sign up at gomenno.com with the Code RBG. Okay, I need to publicly apologize to my sister Sharon. She came to stay with us not long ago, slept in our guest room, and I may have ruined her life. What happened? She slept on our bowling branch sheets, and the next morning she said, Why does this bed feel like a hotel? And I said, Because you're not sleeping on sheets from 2009 anymore. I get it. And here's the thing, most of us keep bedding way longer than we should. The corner starts slipping, the fabric gets thin, pillows go flat. You think you need a new mattress, but really, you just need better sheets. That's why we upgraded to bowling branch. Their signature organic cotton sheets are breathable, incredibly soft, and they actually get softer over time. The first night you climb in, you notice it immediately. I added the waffle blanket too, and now the whole bed feels finished, polished, like intentional. Sharon literally texted me from her house a week later and said, I ordered them, I couldn't go back. That's what happens. You start with the sheets, and suddenly you're upgrading the whole bed. Upgrade your sleep with bowling branch. Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at bowlingbranch.com. Slash raising with code raising. That's bowl and branch. I can't even believe we're about to have a conversation about this next thing. I can't even believe it's really a category. Yes. That it is the category of adult temper tantrums. There are countless viral videos that one could find right now of adults, people in their 40s and 50s who are melting down in the airport, rolling around on the floor tantruming like a toddler. I read an article called How to Have an Adult Temper Tentrum, advocating for it. Wow. You know, I've commented that in the last decade, because you and I do a lot of flying and traveling and speaking, I have never seen as many adults be handcuffed and carried off by airport security for throwing a fit with a gate agent as I have in the last 10 years. That's heartbreaking. And the saddest part to me every time is there were always kids watching. Golly, I can't believe kids are sitting front row to this kind of bad behavior that someone wouldn't have back to our conversation about healthy coping, more skills in place to navigate the frustration of a delay or a cancel flight. So we're seeing all kinds of evidence. It's all over the internet. We read an article actually advocating for that. As you mentioned, I can't even believe that exists in the world. When things don't go their way, they're quitting quickly, emotional escalation, blaming others. Entitlement is associated, research tells us with difficulty, tolerating frustration, fairness, and compromise. And that's not because they're immature at their core. It's often because they've not had enough opportunities to tolerate disappointment, to regulate emotion, and practice moving through frustration. The fourth shift we're seeing is something that is particularly grievous to me. As a therapist who's worked with families for so many years, and we are seeing more family estrangement than we have ever seen among young adults. And you all statistically, roughly 27% of U.S. adults are estranged from a family member. And the average rupture occurs around the age of 25. I remember being in the interview process at Daystar and interviewing a therapist who was working with a lot of young adults a few years back. And she, I said, tell me what population you're working with. And she said, I'm with the population who thinks their parents don't have any sense. And you all, I mean, what's the marked twain quote? When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I turned 21, I was astonished at what he had learned in seven years. And I think since Mark Twain, that number's gone up. And you all, there are times that estrangement is vital because of abuse, because of a pattern in a family, a boundary that really does need to be there. But we're seeing, just like among kids, we're seeing behavior and experiences labeled as toxic that are more conflict, where we need conflict, healthy conflict resolution. And you all, we've got to model it all along the way. We'll come back to what we need. But we want to be aware of that, that sometimes space is necessary and there are times that it just means we need to learn to work through conflict. And as we're seeing this movement culturally towards prioritizing boundaries, also it comes without always balancing generosity and grace or repair. The truth is, I think I'm going to get more persnickety as I get older too in grumpier. And I hope that my family still loves me and wants to be around me and will tell me with a lot of love and grace. Research on family estrangement shows breakdowns often happen when relationships become transactional rather than relational. So we want to be aware of prioritizing relationship all along the way and prioritizing conflict resolution with the kids that we love. Relationships require flexibility, grace, working through tension, not just stepping away when it's hard. And you all really, as we're talking about teaching kids to do hard things and that this whole season is built around that idea, part of the outcome of doing that is your kids learning that all relationships are hard at times too. Not toxic, those we do want to have healthy boundaries with, but that all relationships are hard. And as they learn that they can stay in hard things and work through them in healthy ways, we're also prioritizing and valuing our relationship for the long term. You're investing in your relationship. And now a quick break to hear from one of our incredible sponsors who make the podcast available. We just got home from book tour, nine cities, airports, hotel food. And we walked into our kitchens. And there was nothing in the pantry. Not even a sad granola bar in mind. But thankfully Brodo was there. This podcast is sponsored by Brodo. And we're going to be back with more of a video about the podcast. Thankfully Brodo was there. This podcast is sponsored by Brodo. Brodo's bone broth is the simplest nutrition upgrade you can make to your daily routine. Their broths are made from scratch. No concentrates, preservatives, or shortcuts so you get the best broth money can buy. I literally grabbed the hearth bone broth I'd stocked through in a few veggies from the fridge. 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Once again that's brodo.com back slash RBG for 20% off your first subscription order and an additional $10 off if you use our promo code RBG. So we're heading out on book tour multiple cities over two weeks and honestly we should have asked quints to sponsor the entire tour because I will absolutely be wearing my quint short sleep cashmere polos at several stops. Yes short sleep cashmere year round. I didn't know that was possible but I'm here to share that good news with you. You are here to help bugs out. Listen when you find something that fits perfectly and feels elevated you lean in. Quints uses premium materials like Mongolian cashmere organic cotton and European linen but without the markup. And when we're spreading through airports trying to remember what city we're in next I'm living in my quints super soft performance t-shirts. I have them in multiple colors because they're that good. 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I will say to them first day you all you are in the most selfish time of your life because everything's about you. Everything's about your schedule what you want to do how you're going to make that work and it is so good for you to spend a summer giving to someone else and letting it be about someone else. They need situations like that and another great example are just having a roommate, sharing space, having to negotiate preferences, dealing with someone else's habits. That is where so much good growth happens for kids. Secondly, they need to be disappointed. You and I did an interview recently and the interviewer said to me in response to something I'd said like so how often are you saying you want kids to fail and I said all the time. Yes, you did. They were a little shocked by that response but we want kids to have that practice because in this stage they need to not get the job, the relationship, the outcome they wanted because disappointment and failure are what build resilience, perspective and perseverance. Yes and yes and yes. Three, to be uncomfortable. They need to walk into situations where they don't already know the answer. Like the amount of parents who will tell us they're young adult children in another city will call and say mom what is the bread on? You don't know what all the bread is on. So when they call and say those things that we say well I've never been to that grocery. Sounds simple you all to allow them to sit in those kinds of discomfort but it is huge because it builds initiative, agency, confidence, problem solving, resourcefulness, skills they need into adulthood. And they need to be stretched. Yes. They need challenges that require more of them than they think they can give because that is where capability is formed. Developmental theory shows young adulthood is a stage of identity formation through real world responsibility and relationships. Let me say that last part again through real world responsibility and relationships. And you all as we even mentioned developmental theory something worth reminding. We talked about this before but I think it's really important. Developmental theorists agree that adolescence for a girl in somewhere around 19 to 20 on average for boys 22 to 25. So even as you are studying your kids individually unique to gender let's factor that in. I say that so often to parents I think it's one of the most hopeful things I could say because so many parents get panicked with boys in the 18, 19 space not seeing enough evidence of skill development coming into play. And then those of you who are parenting remarkable kids who are neurodivergent think about the conversation we had recently where we talked about the three-year rule and that research shows they're most often about 30% behind in their developmental pace. So let's make sure we are matching the developmental pace around these expectations to all those factors as we think forward. Okay this is always my favorite part. Let's talk about the practical ways to build capability with these amazing non-teenage young adults kind of teenage. You go first. Number one stop removing friction. Don't fix scheduling conflicts for them. Don't intervene too quickly. Let them navigate. Number two normalize figure it out. And we can do that you all with a lot of empathy and support. You know how much we love movement toward good questions. What do you think your next step is? Resist giving them immediate answers. Three encourage real world environments. Jobs internships living with roommates. If you have a kid a young adult who has summers off. Have them go somewhere where they give for the summer. It is so building and rich for them. Four let consequences play out. Misdeadlines financial mistakes social missteps. Five model emotional regulation for them. Stay calm when they're escalated and don't match their intensity. Six teach repair and relationships. Apologizing re-engaging working through conflict. Yes. Seven hold steady expectations. Don't lower the bar to avoid conflict. You guys stay kind but firm. Eight encourage contribution. Helping other serving giving back. Nine balance boundaries with generosity. I would love to pay for your tuition when you are ABC. That we can still put boundaries around them. Boundaries teach both self respect and we're providing relational flexibility when we're offering boundaries with generosity. And ten remind them who they are. Separate identity from performance. Call out strings consistently. Yes. And you all in closing young adults don't need a life without difficulty. They need a life with support and enough space to grow. Because capability does not come from everything going right. It comes from figuring things out. Getting back up and learning over and over again. You all could finish the sentence for us. I can do hard things. David what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett our engineer. Our management team at KCH. And we are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always.
