#399: Tedd-99

This is a HeadGum Podcast. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for joining us. As you know, fast food sales have been plummeting. So what we're going to do at Taco Bell is we are going to be returning to 1986 prices. Oh, hell yeah. So 39 cent burritos and tacos? Burritos and tacos maxed out at 39 cents. All specialty items are like 89 to 99 cents. Sir, it costs more to make those items. It sounds like we're going to be losing a lot of money. I understand what we tell people. It hasn't actually cost more to make stuff than 40 years. What? Yeah, it's just, Papa's been hungry, you know, for money. Not talking about, wouldn't eat the stuff. So we're just like, don't worry about it. So we're not doing, we're not just, basically we're not going to have like obscene profits anymore, but we think we're going to capture enough market with these crazy low prices that it's all going to even out. The problem is we can't go back to 1986 slogans because. Why? Well. We can't scream run for the border. Yeah, I'm looking at what our slogan was in 1986 and we can't, we can't scream run for the border anymore. That's just like dicey nowadays. days. So we're going to change things up and we just need new slogans to kind of reflect our new prices. Okay. Okay. Cheap dong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know how bells go dong? Yeah. I know how bells go dong. I also know the dong is a pretty charged word. Okay. Huh? Sir, I thought you'd never ask. Welcome back the Taco Bell chihuahua. Oh, he's dead. Oh, he's dead. Um, she? Okay. They? They're dead. Okay, why don't we get that off the desk? I'll just get a little banker's box and Oh no, it's gonna turn into dust. Yeah. Yeah, it's dust. Okay. Should we say a few words or? Chalupa. Quesadilla. Gordita. Choco taco. Quesadilla. Cinnamon twists. I think that's sufficient. I think that's sufficient. All right. I mean, there are no bad ideas. These haven't been great, but they're not bad. You really got me with cinnamon twists. Whoa, that really, that's what's at me over the edge. I think you actually just inhaled a little Chihuahua dust. Maybe, maybe. That's what the cinnamon twist dust is. Let's not put that in there. Shell out some money. Yeah. Oh, yeah, but it's less money, so shell out. I'll see you in Shell. Okay, yeah. Cheese to meet you, you know. I'm in HR. I shouldn't be tossing out ideas. I'm sorry. We actually need you to be here, and you shouldn't be tossing out dong ideas. Those are the only ones that HR shouldn't be tossing out. Okay. Sour cream in your jeans for Taco Bell. HR, you want to take that one? Sour cream your jeans for Taco Bell. I don't see any issues. So what we'll do instead is we'll just disband the company. Is everybody kind of happy with that? No, I love Taco Bell. No, please. Where else can I be surrounded by deep teal and electric purple? Where else can I watch a guy in Wrigleyville throw up down his shirt while he waits for his food, take his food, and then watch him eat it outside? They tore that one down. They put up a nice one now. Oh. It looks like an office building. Oh, a cantina. A cantina, a cantina. Okay, well, you know what? Instead of that, why don't we do this? Why don't we just do the make a run for the border? We just keep that one and we all take like a couple million dollar bonuses. Okay. Yeah. To start. That's our appetizer. Speaking of starting, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, the podcast about what Taco Bell slogan was in probably 1988, somewhere. 88 to 94. Me amo. Me amo, whatever, fine. We're eight years in. We're not about anything anymore. that's Aaron Keefe I'm John Petricone this is Hey Riddle Riddle it's the podcast about riddles featuring improv featuring riddles riddles featuring improv featuring three guys drinking some coffee Aaron you drinking coffee nope I'm drinking an energy drink cause coffee sometimes gives me a rash ooh um if you guys have a hard time remembering JPC's name be like my dad and remember it by calling him just plain comedy That's so smart. I ran into Arnie Parrott this last weekend, and he was wearing a T-shirt that I don't remember what it was for, but it said SPC on it. And it was for some other thing that he knows or does or whatever. But I was like, that's wild to run into you and you have a shirt that almost says JPC on it. Were you mad at him? Did you yell? Mad at the shirt. Grabbed the shirt by the shirt and shook it. What if we punished him by making him write a bullshit song? Adol, sky's the limit what should we make Arnie do? Write a song called I'm Never Gonna Shirt Again Guilty shirt don't shirt no sleevies I'm never gonna shirt again Okay, I love it What if it's like we know the song's like I love my shirt I love my shirt my shirt is so comfortably lovely Do you know the song Adol? I know the rhythm but I don't know I have a shirt that you really love. It's from the 60s, I think. One that you feel so groovy in. It don't even mind when it starts to fade. I'm not even making this up. This is real. That only makes it nicer still. My dad downloaded it on Napster. But wait. It's called I Love My Shirt. But who sings it? A man. Okay. It sounds Raffy adjacent. It's like a song for... It sounds Raffi adjacent. Is it a song for children? It's Donovan. Donovan, who sings Mellow Yellow. Yes. Cool, right? Yeah. Okay, what if we have Arnie write a song that is an apology to us? Ooh, yes. Anything he feels sorry for doing to us as individuals or as a group. Casey, have you ever been slighted by Arnie Parrott at any point? He's typing. Never. That's not helpful. Hers is a saint. Okay. He might be thinking of somebody else. He said hers is a saint. Oops, LOL. All right. I'll be the one to call Arnie and tell him that we need a song that is an apology to us that we can insert here. Hey, Casey, just in case Aaron forgets to do this, let's record a pickup of me saying, I think Aaron forgot to do this. Okay, cool. And I think it should be in the vein of Nine Inch Nails. Oh, yeah. In the vein, Nine Inch Nails, this is disgusting content. It's too dark for me. I hate this stuff. Oh, hey, would you guys like a chance to lighten the mood a little bit? Yeah, I thought it was pretty light, but I guess I can go a little higher. Why don't we do a segment? We haven't done a segment in a while. Ooh, is it Paul Ruddles? Is it what episode of House have you seen and we have to guess? No, stop guessing my good segments. Is it which dog is associated with which month in a dog calendar? These are real fucking segments you've done, by the way. It's not even a JPC segment. It's actually a segment that Addle invented, but we're going to be playing it today. And it goes a little something like this. A penguin with the afro. A gecko on stilts. A ladybug with a headache. A giraffe with a neck brace. A man bug. Really, Linda? A headache? It's Animal Parade. Oh, I want a whole eight seasons of a sitcom between ladybug and man bug. Two and a half bugs? She's a nag. A gnat. Oh, sorry. A gnat. okay well we're actually doing an animal parade because we're we we're doing like someone submitted some riddles that are like quasi they're animal parade adjacent and so it required us to play a little animal parade um but let's see i i'm gonna google right now some animal stories okay let's see here's someone uh coyoga county launches animal crimes prosecution unit okay that's not good uh let's see water line breaks at laurel animal shelter leaving them without running okay let's see that's not good um the story of a cat named cheese and the toddler who knew best what do we think bingo there we go good go back to the one with the dogs not having water okay so this is from october 29th of 2025 for uh national cat day uh didn't know about Adel, did you know about National Cat Day? I found out on the day, and then I didn't want to say anything to my cats because it felt like I missed it. Yeah, yeah. That's always the worst. Yeah. Let's see. Okay. Okay. The first part of this story is about a cat dying. Let's going to skip right over to that. Even though pets die. I mean, that's kind of part of it. What are we doing? Okay. Okay, so it says, this National Cat Day, we're celebrating by sharing the inspiring story of Wake County external communications manager Alice Avery and her cat, Cheese. You might think that you'll adopt someday, maybe even the perfect name picked out, but someday can quickly turn into right now when you have a toddler who loves cats, uh-oh, and already knows the name for your future pet. That's exactly what happened to our own Wake County external communication manager, Alice Avery. I will say that my toddler is currently picking names for animals that are their alter egos. So right now they have a puppy named Jellybean, a cat named Popsicle, and a chicken named Cockadoodledoo. And these creatures will show up many times when we are not really in a mood for playing like animal. Like sometimes Popsicle will show up when we're trying to take a bath. And I'm like, hey, I'm not going to bathe Popsicle. I actually want to bathe a human at this point. And sometimes Cockadoodledoo will show up when we're eating dinner. And I say, well, I actually don't want to feed. And you're eating chicken? Well, they're a vegetarian, so I don't want to feed a vegetarian chicken. That's true. I don't want to do that at all. But JBC, love your kid? I'd say two out of three. I'd say there's one glaring swing and a miss in there. Yeah. Are they open to notes? Oh, yeah, of course. That's all they're open to. Feedback. Feedback, yeah. Maybe do another run at Cogger Doodle Do. Maybe think of a fun sort of sweet treat. Well, here's the thing. So Popsicle and Jellybean were names that me and Mariah picked. Cockadoodle Dew was the first name that they picked. And I think that they maybe got confused because Cockadoodle Dew is also like a noise that like a rooster makes. So, hey, we're giving it time. We're giving it time. I have not lost hope in them yet. Let's see. You should show them Rockadoodle Dew, the early 90s animated musical. Oh, what's the Rockadoodle? That's what it's called. rock it isn't isn't there like a rockabilly rooster what's that guy's name that's that's that's rockadoodle do yeah yeah where it's like it's like if elvis was a rooster or something yeah um so alice said that her previous cat passed away i knew i'd eventually get another cat but i was waiting for the right time and also to gain some of the sanity after having a baby the right time came in 2020 during the great potty training adventure with her three-year-old son sam i was desperately trying to potty train him and bribed him with a cat okay that's crazy alice laughed spoiler alert it didn't work alice alice honey alice they also say you're like never supposed to bribe when you're doing potty training so it's crazy to be like yeah okay they mean like not like a piece of chocolate or whatever what about a fucking cat jbc what's like the the modern potty training thinking because a decade ago when i was a nanny it was a lot of m&m yeah bribes they say nowadays you're not supposed to you're not supposed to use like rewards like that because then they're like learning to potty train for like the wrong reason you're also not supposed to make too big of a deal of it like you're not supposed to be like yay you went potty in the toilet you know you're just you're kind of trying to normalize it like i go potty in the toilet mama goes potty in the toilet you go potty in the toilet you don't so that is kind of a hard thing to i go near it's near in my secret bathroom hole uh but but now nowadays it's like the um oh i I can't remember what the actual name for it is, but it's like you spent like three days totally naked, like learning the cues of your body. So like you. Burning Man? What's that? Burning Man? It's Burning Man for toddlers, basically. Like you play fucking like weird, trippy music. You have like a barter system. You ride a bicycle in the desert and you kind of like learn that when you start to pee, you're peeing now and you're getting it all over you. And it's pretty effective. My kid picked it up pretty quick. and then there's the other crazy potty training stuff which is like starting the potty training as soon as they're born and being, that's like, that one seemed like way more effort and I was pretty scared by that one I did not go that route okay, years earlier, Alice and her husband both fans of The Wire had already decided that their future cat would be named Cheese after one of the show's characters okay, we're obviously over here at Hairless Riddle a huge fan of naming animals after foods. Yeah. I remember Bubbles. I don't remember Cheese. Okay. I remember when Omar was coming, he would whistle a song that had to do with Cheese, right? I hope I don't get in trouble here, but I got to think that Cheese was one of the names of the drug dealers and not one of the names of the cops or the teachers or the dock workers on the wire. I'm going to go for that. Yeah. I don't know who it was. Prez Paluski. Prez Paluski. Season four, obviously the best season. And Prez Beluski's a big part of that. We know who Cheese wasn't. Cheese wasn't Omar. Cheese wasn't Marlon. Brother Mazone. Yeah, Brother Mazone. Who else? Who is the season five bad guy? It's because of the name. Marlo. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It wasn't Marlo. It wasn't, oh God, that English actor who played the cop. Littlefinger or whatever. Oh, I know. No, no, no, not that guy. I know. That guy, was that the mayor, Karketty? It wasn't Karketty. Karketty. Good poll. Well, anyway, my cat's name's going to be Karketty. So when the family visited the Wake County Animal Shelter and spotted an orange tabby, Sam didn't hesitate. That's her. That's my cheese, he declared. And just like that, cheese found her home. From that moment on, for the past five years, cheese has been Sam's best friend and buddy. They've grown up together side by side. That, I got to say, pretty adorable. Oh, JPC, in the comments for this episode, someone just said Car Kitty was right there. Car Kitty. Car Kitty. Damn, we missed it. She. I missed it. That guy just died. And Arrested Power King. Do a real one. I did like that character. Anyway, so that's our animal parade. But it's all that to say it's a lead in to some listener submitted riddles that when I was doing taxes this year, I found an envelope that I thought was a tax document, but must have been someone something that someone handed me in a live show because it is a it's from Ted. And Ted says I can use their name And they wrote these series of riddles and they called Animal Pun Raid Ooh Because the form of the riddle Right up your alley Adol Oh, yeah. This is a Ted 99. The form. That's very, Adol, that's very good. That's awesome. Name of the episode, Ted 99. You won't get it until you start listening. The form is fairly simple. There's a single sentence that contains two clues. One describes or gives a fact about an animal, while the other is a random word, and when put together, they form a pun. So you'll get it. It's called animal pun rate. Hold on. So we can figure out the animals if we suss it out, but the other one's a random word? No, it's not random. It's a word that just has nothing to do with that animal. So random is, it's just like a, it's a non sequitur, but the clue will help you. Okay, so here's your example. Stand up from my seat on the stage, brush off my legs, walk down the seat. I go and sit in the audience, smile, lean back, grab some popcorn, wait for Adol to do this completely on his own. Not my skill set, but excited to watch you do this, Adol. Happy for you. Happy for you. This mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit. The mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit. Like a hair? Yeah, a hair. Hair is correct. And how are we supposed to guess the other part? Getting its fur trimmed is the other thing. Haircut. You're right. So the pun here is haircut. Nice. So you see how it's all... It's not a random word. It's contained within it. Like it's a haircut haircut. Okay. So here's some warmups. They included some warmups. Again, thank you, Ted, for submitting these. Okay. They also said that these are here because the pronunciation of the pun version is too close to the original word, but they're still warm-ups. Okay. This arthropod makes great use of the web while performing espionage. Spider. It is a spider. You got it. Ticker, tailor, soldier, spider. I'm looking around to see if anyone's selling hot dogs or soda. And I can eat a snack. Don't, it's too late That was a total buzzer beater Aaron, are you doing it on purpose? I mean, I've never seen anyone panic the way you just panicked I was on another tab I have a Patreon coming out eventually I'll need some other soundbites for So I was on another tab But I'm ready You didn't sound ready No, I'm ready. Now I'm ready. You didn't sound ready. I'm ready to be at like a club. And like, you know how DJs are famously known for like these cool transitions where it's like transition from one song to the other. And it's just hot dogs. Hot dogs. I will say, I will say it's eye opening how much we talk about hot dogs on the show because of how much use we've gotten out of the hot dog sting. but I also think I also think that people Erin are really responding to your hot dog gremlin I think people love this character they're incorporating it into their own lives I think we've really changed kind of the whole culture on hot dogs first of all I'm not a gremlin just my voice that's my face sir that's my face sir no honestly I'm honored I'm honored to be making any sort of cultural impact in any way I was trying to think of a song about hot dogs The only one I can think about is the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse So like Hot dogs Hot dog You get it What scene did you want to see? Oh okay I do remember I want to see a scene Aaron you are going to be playing Like the Like the IMF or the CIA or whatever, like the shadowy government. And Adil is going to be your best field agent. And you're giving him his new assignment. And he's also a spider. Thank you for meeting me here. Don't look directly at me. Of course. The dove flies at midnight. 23 is the new upside down. Can we focus on what the task at hand? Sorry, I'm a little hungover. Try to read this poetry. It's good, and you're a good poet, but your country needs you. Oh, okay. If you go to the National Bank, Dropbox 8 has a... Sorry, where are you looking at? Oh, sorry. All eight of your eyes are... I just saw a fly get caught in my web, and I didn't know if I could, like, grab it or, like, if that would be rude. I'm pretty hungry. I'm hungover. Um, yeah, we got a little time. You can grab a fly. No, it seems like what you're doing is really important. You should finish your important conversation. Oh, yeah, that fly's been listening the whole time. You got to kill it for sure. Yeah, I know this guy. I know this guy. Trust me. What's up, Josh? What's up now, bitch? Fuck. Fuck. Remember when you said my web couldn't hold cotton candy? Not specifically. Huh. Stronger than steel now, huh? Smash cut to last night at a bar where he's drunk and he says, Your web couldn't melt jet steel beams. What? Come on, man. Well, hey. 9-11 was an inside voice. See? Oh, my God. It's true. Hey, it's true. Although, Al, I did want to give you a spy task. I'm sorry that I didn't get to finish it. What would it have been, Erin? It would have been going, getting something out of, like, one of those boxes at a bank. What are they called? Oh, safety deposit box? Yes, safety deposit box. And then it would have been about like tying someone up. Okay, Erin, let me walk you through this. Yep. From behind, you see the camera and you see a giant sort of long coat, black and white checkered Anne Hathaway hair. I turn around, I put on big black sunglasses, Anne Hathaway style. Big, big smile, smirk from my lips, big Anne Hathaway lips. I go, excuse me, I need to see safety deposit box number eight. And I drop a pencil and I bid down to pick it up, Anne Hathaway style. Of course. Here's the key. Oh, thank you so much. Sorry about it. Forget my ID, big Anne Hathaway shimmy to catch your eye. No problem, miss. And the camera pulls back and we see me as a little spider, sort of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone with a ton of web when he's controlling all those cardboard cutouts of Jordan and everything. It's me controlling a cardboard cutout of Anna Hathaway. Okay, I would do another 40 minutes of this if you have the energy. Adel, if you got the calories for this. You know what? I feel like maybe more recently people have done away with it, But there used to be like this, like very anti-Anne Hathaway vibe that I just never understood. I think people didn't like how earnest she was. Yeah. People were like, ugh, theater kid. And it's like, well, yeah, most actors are theater kids. You would say that if you're like a theater kid, but like you work at like a bank or something and you're like, ugh, God, theater kid. And all they need to do is like be a teller here. But it's like that's their whole job as actor. They should be a theater kid. this common house pet prattles on and on about how many birds it kills each year cat cataracts cataracts Aaron that's good it has nothing to do with the clue I'm going back to the audience I'll emphasize the clue here this common house pet prattles on and on about how many birds it kills each year so you got cat part prattles on and on. Oh, Chatty Cathy? Catty Chaffee? Catty Chaffee. Catty Chaffee. Catty Griffin? My favorite character. Chatty Catty? Me meeting Channing Tatum. Oh, Catty Chaffee. Fuck. Oh, fuck. I blew it. I blew it. I love your work in Step Up. And Step Up 2, and Step Up 3, and Step Up 2, and Step Up 2, and Step Up 3, 3D. so someone who prattles on and on but like that has like a negative connotation I guess this kind of has a negative connotation you would say that that person is very they're loquacious they're very it's not chatty catatonic very verbose don't worry about the cat part of it verbose would be another synonym loquacious It's a word that ends in a-tiv Talkative Okay, put it all together Cat-a-tiv Cat-talkative Yeah Talk-a-cat Talk-a-cat-tiv Shut up! Shut up! Cat-talkative! Now I need to see a scene Cat-a-tiv Aaron, I want to see a scene And you, Adelaide, are going to be like toy company CEOs, and you're going to be pitching us a new idea. And you call it, what do you call it? Talk-a-cat? Cata-talk. Cata-talk. I can't remember what you said. Cata-talk. Cata-talk. Okay, you call it cat-a-talk. All right. Okay. Big rail. Okay. But if I do, I guess if we're... You know those little... Oh, I got some in my nose. Those little talk things from the 80s? What are they called? Quick, quick, or you're fired. Talkback. Talkboy. Talkboy. Talkboy. Yeah, those things. Yuckback. Okay. We do surgery. We put it inside your average household Kit Kat. Wrap it up. Call it Christmas. We're on our way. We're on our way to our first billion, boys. Let's go golfing to celebrate. Obviously, I do want to go golfing, and I do want to celebrate. and I do enjoy parts of this idea. I just don't know if Mattel is ready for surgery. Oh, is it, am I mistaken or was it us that did the surgery game? The one where it buzzes the stomach? Operation? Yes. I think it was Parker Brothers. No. We lost out on that money? Well, I mean. Oh, no, we're poor. What's us? What's us? What's us? I think Barbie. I think we have Barbie. Oh, God. That's Hasbro. Okay, well, we've had Dr. Barbies, so. No, off of Barbies. Mattel, Mattel, Mattel. Transformers? Mattel, Mattel, Mattel. Do we have Transformers? Hold on. Lisa, check to see if we have Transformers. No, don't tell me what to do. Oh, your name's Lisa as well? I was trying to be the secretary in a different room. See? See? Well, Aaron, I didn't want to make you the secretary. Well, you did by yelling. And making an appealing character to me. Women can be secretaries. If they want. If they want. Okay, here's the next one. This bovine finds itself utterly incapable of not running at a red cape. Bovine. Bull. Bull. Bull. Bullshit. Bull. utterly incapable cow bowl cow bowl coward coward it's not it's not any of that um something if something if you are utterly incapable of something you would say oh man that's impossible chimp possible you got it impossible chimp possible uh yes it's impossible let's do one more of these, then we'll be fully warmed up, and then we'll take a break. I do want to see a quick scene, though. Oh, please. The two of you are chimpanzees, and you've been cast in the new remake called Mission Chimp Possible. And the two of you are just kind of meeting on the set for the first time before your big laser heist scene. Cigarette? Um, no, I'm going to be doing a lot of running today, so. So am I. I mean, the only way to get really amped up is to have a nice cigarette. I'm doing my own stunts, so. Oh, right. Yeah, I got to keep lung capacity up for the day. I got a little baby orangutan doing all my stunts. Yeah. They just spray painted orangutan. You're doing your own stunts? Yeah, I'm from, like, a long line of, like, really brave monkeys. My grandfather was the one that went to space. Chimps are apes. I know, but. Got it. We can say monkey for sure. It's fun for us to be kind of like a little bit racist. I'm going to go, I think. Okay. No, no, yeah. A banana before we. Species. And action. Cut. We'll add that in post. Well, what the fuck do you need me here for on set then? If I can add all my stuff on post. We guys are the agents. And action. And can you CGI off the cigarette? Because I'm not going to stop smoking it. I don't know. I'm covered in tennis balls. I assume you can take the cigarette out as well. Yeah, I told you this is not motion capture. Throws poop, throws poop, eats a banana, hits every laser. And cut. And checking the gate. And that is a wrap. Give a round of applause for Tangerine and Beret. It's all about you guys. I'm not even going to be in this movie. They're going to have Chatty Cathy mo-cat me in. Let's go on a break. No, we've got to do one more. We have to do one more. These are the warm-ups. Aaron? All right, here we go. You're going to get it fast, Aaron. These eusocial insects will often go to war with each other to gain resources they lack. You said eusocial? E-U-S-O-C-I-A-L. Eusocial. Can you read the whole thing one more time? These eusocial insects will often go to war with each other to gain resources they lack. They also can, like, carry, like, 60 times their body weight or something. Defiance. Yes. It's not defiant. It's something that they lack. If you lack something, you are... Deficient. Efficient. It's deficient. It's a deficient. It's a deficient. Well, that's deficient. We will be back in a second with more of Ted's, the real ones. These are just the warm-ups. Huh? Adel, Aaron, what do you think of my new hair? Before you ask, before you ask, yes, I did pull every piece of hair from my head because I was so stressed out about business finances. Yeah, buddy. That looks stressful. I love my new JPC wig. Thank you for this. And the best part, it was super painful to do because I used my hands and fingers. Wow. Should have used found, right, Erin? Should have used found. You should have used found. It saved you from all the stress. Oh, I should have used found. Found makes it easy for small business owners to put all of their finances in one place. instead of a bank account here, QuickBooks there, tax, invoicing apps stacked on top. Instead I should have just used Found Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all Banking bookkeeping invoices and taxes No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky outdated apps Why did I not use Found? And that's the thing, JPC, is they've made it so easy. They've even automated things like tracking expenses, finding write-offs, and budgeting for tax time. You can even send your invoices for free and pay your contractors. Everything all from one app. They make it easy to regain control of your business finances, So you can come back to doing what you love, JPC, like making wigs. Well, I am going to be doing a lot of making wigs now because I'm going to have to open up a new small business line that sells JPC hair wigs and people would buy them. So I can't even joke about making them because people would buy them. But I will use found and I will not stress out about having to use multiple different platforms to do everything that I need to do to run our business. We use found and I think that you should, too. So take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank, member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with Found. Oh, Aaron, look, the hair's in the shape of a backwards hat. I'm JPZ. Look, I'm JPZ. Whoa, I love it. I wish I had my hair back. Smells awful, though. Come on. Okay, well, let me just do my final measurements here. Everything seems even. Check the doors. Adel, Aaron? Hmm? I have, using my skills as a woodworker, have crafted a well-built wardrobe. A magical one where you can go into a magical world? No, I tried it. It's just wood. But it's well-built. GBC, when we said every adult should have sort of a well-built wardrobe, we didn't mean like the actual frame, like an actual wooden wardrobe. We went like in a quince way, like, you know, like having a lot of adult, well-made. The quality clothing that lasts. Quality pieces that work together. They hold up over time. You know, that's what quince does best. We told you that. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. I have a raincoat from them that I love. I held you down sort of clockwork orange style and held open your eyes while I showed you that Quince's premium materials, thoughtful design and everyday staples feel easy to wear and they're easy to rely on, even as the weather shifts in Chicago. This is making sense now because I was like, you were talking about how Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. That's what you said. That's what you were doing with my eyes. And can I be honest with you? I did not build that well of a wardrobe. I mean, this thing is pretty loose. No, hey. No, it's pretty loose. Hey, what? No. You can knock it over with a feather. Oh, a nail just went right through my thumb. That's the best case scenario. They only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love their home stuff. I love their clothes. I can always count on them for the best quality. So don't be like that absolute fool JPC. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't be foolish like JPC. See? Right now, go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada, too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. Quince, Quince, Quince. My name is Mr. Tumnus. Please come with me. I'm going. He came with the thing. I found him on Fiverr. You guys, I've been traveling a lot out and about, and a friend recently told me I looked tired. Interesting. That I looked a little worn out, looked a little tired. I forgot who said it to me, but someone very rude said I looked tired, and I'm so looking forward to getting back to my Helix mattress. Anytime I'm on the road sleeping in hotels, I cannot wait to get home. The first night back, I have the best sleep ever. I love my Helix mattress. I have a Helix Midnight Luxe, and it is luxurious. My cats love it, all four of them. My Gemma loves it. It is the comfiest mattress I've ever owned. I say I also have a Helix Midnight Luxe, and I got my Helix Midnight Luxe in 2021. And so it's been almost five years sleeping on it. And I was changing my sheets the other day and looking at my mattress, and I was like, this thing looks brand new. It still sleeps as good as it did the first night that I had it. And I just don't think I ever want to sleep on another mattress that's not a Helix mattress. They're so good. They're so comfortable. Same girl, same. Helix matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Makes buying a mattress easy. Just take a Helix sleep quiz. You can do a 120-night sleep trial in a limited lifetime warranty. See, if you try it out and you don't love it, no problem. Plus, you do not have to pick this mattress up. Have we mentioned this? This is free shipping and seamless delivery. They will deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. Now is the best time to go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the sleep week sale best of the web. It is 27% off site wide and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for the sleep week sale best of web 27% off site wide. make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we sent you. HelixSleep.com slash riddle. Erin, you're glowing. Oh, thanks. I just got a good night's sleep. JPC, how do I look? Yeah, good. All right, we're back and we're going to launch right in. Here we go. The largest living land animal is worried that it doesn't matter. Elephant. Yep. Elephantitis. Elephant. Worried that it doesn't matter. Spiraling elephant. Intrusive thought. That's the word I'm looking for. The intrusive thought elephant. Irrelevant. Irrelevant. Irrelevant. Irrelevant. Wow. Irrelevant. Aaron, what do we think? Can we give that one to Aaron? No, don't. Please don't. She needs it. Oh, God, no. No. Now, Erin, don't be a spiraling negative thoughts elephant here. I'm a relevant. No, you're not a relevant, Erin. I'm a relevant. You matter to someone. I'm redundant, but with an animal. Redundant. Redundant. Oh. This marsupial has all the right credentials to be called a bear. Kangaroo bear. Kangaroo bear Koala me by your name Koala Koala me by your name I mean is it just koala bear? No so it's a koala They have all the right credentials To be called a bear All the right credentials You would also say that they are Koala-fi Koala-fi Koala-fi Koala-fi Koala-fi Koala-fi Koala-fi You got it It's Koala-fi I'd like to see a scene you're a koala bear and obviously um it's hard to get a job right now like a lot of places are applications but you finally have a um an in-person interview and you're really trying to sell yourself to the company that jpc is hiring for um thanks for seeing me so i think i'd be a great fit for clears because um i've got psds um obviously from new zealand but uh i still feel like I could make a difference here? Yeah, I mean, we're, you know, as long as you have the ability to work in the United States, we don't care where you're from at Claire's. Well, I've got a visa. Yeah, that would be acceptable for us. I do have to say, this is an interview, and this is not any indication of what the job will be, but at Claire's, we do require employees to wear pants. not just you can't just wear it next time it's gonna be a problem that's a that's a problem yeah fur is sort of my pants like these are my levi's yeah but they're not it's fur you know because like your fur is like my skin right like you know i'm wearing pants you have to wear pants it's just a thing at claire's can i take a shot in the dark am i the first caller you've talked to in a in a employment sense you are the first not that I have to say because of HIPAA but you are the first koala that has applied hunger HIPAA I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought up HIPAAs I know how traumatic that could be for you you are you're the first koala to apply but I have many koala friends hey do me a favor I have down for references Erin Keefe she lived in she lived in my neck of the woods for maybe like a year or something she almost drowned yeah I'm not familiar give her a call I guess I can call her right now let's see if she picks up hi this is Erin Keefe how can I help you this must be a different Erin Keefe I've known Erin Keefe for 10 years so she's never picked up a phone call GPC is that you? hey I was gonna make a joke try again go back in Go back into the scene. Let me try again. Hello? Erin Keefe? Hi, yeah, this is Erin. Hi, Erin. My name is John Patrick Cohen. I am in the middle of an interview with a koala. I didn't catch your name. Tidbinbilla? I hope you heard that because I'm not going to repeat it. Are you with Tidbin? Yeah, I'm with Tidbinbilla. Yes, I believe so. Tidbinbilla? Okay, do not hire him. He gave me chlamydia. he's a monster and also he broke my heart well we we can't obviously we cannot have a koala with chlamydia working at Claire's because it's you know very we do a lot of piercings it's a lot of blood so thank you so much oh yeah he'll pierce your heart too he can pierce ears but also he'll pierce your heart well I don't think so I'm a happily married man with many koala friends I don't think yeah right cut to him breaking your heart oh fuck I don't think this is working out why do we have to see that see see I don't want to see that It's improv rules We can go wherever I simply cannot do A regular Australian accent It always turns into New Zealand I think New Zealand's more fun I also think you're Way better at Those accents than I am Adeline I lived there No no no no no I literally can't do them I've been trying For a decade By far the best The best at accents On this podcast It's not a high bar To clear but you're You're Adeline Alright Aaron let's do it Let's do it Let's do Australian Aaron go Australian right now. Laser disc. Oh, no. Okay. Laser blood. Crikey. I went to the bakery to get a banana. Far out, mate. All right, we're bad. I know, I told you I was good. I believe it. Adel's good at accents. That is my donk. With doing accents, I'll feel like 100% confident and then I'll hit a word that I bounce off the accent so much that it'll tank the entire rest of the accent. I'll lose it by stumbling over library and being like, well, I just don't know how to say library in this accent. Yeah. Loperate? Loperate. This tiny crustacean prefers to live without complexity or excess. Hermit. Oh. Crab. Hermit crab, I think, truly works, but it's not that. Can you read it one more time? This tiny crustacean, think tiny, prefers to live without complexity or excess. Minimal lice. Minimal lice. Are lice crustaceans? I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know. They gotta be cousins at least. Yeah, for sure. Hair's like the water. The water of the body. Tiny crustacean. Yeah, this is like... Crawfish, crawdad. No. Tiny. I think tinier, sometimes way tinier than a crawfish. Is it a mite? No, it's not a mite. It's way bigger than that. It's like split the difference between crawfish and mite. It's smaller than a lobster, but you're thinking right, like seafood. What's seafood that's smaller than a lobster? No. Oyster. You might find it in pasta. Sometimes they deep fry it. Pasta spiders? Sometimes they popcornize it. Soft shell crab. Crab. Not crab. What am I looking for? I think you might know it because it's... Conk. Shrimp. Shrimp. Yes, it's shrimp. So it's shrimp. This tiny crustacean prefers to live simply without complexity or excess. Shrimple. It's shrimply. Aaron, it's shrimply. It's shrimply. The very simple shrimp. Shrimply. The very simple shrimp. Shrimply. Aaron, I wish we had time. Aaron, I wish we had time. We don't have time. Hold on. We have so many riddles. JPC is shrimply. He's a very simple shrimp. And this is like a 1960s sitcom about Shrimply, the very simple shrimp. And we're just, Adel, you're just going to be like a shopkeeper, someone that he's interacting with during the day. Shrimply is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Pardon me. Do you have lampshades at this store? Who's talking? Oh, down there. Oh, Shrimply. Shrimply. Very simple shrimp. That was the whole episode? It was just asking if they have a lampshade and then someone would be like, Shrimply. Next time on Shrimply. Hey, do you have lampshades or not? I have shrimp. Shrimply. Shrimply. Shrimply. Shrimply. And later this season on Shrimply. Oh, it's a sitcom on Vine. It's Quibi. Quibi canceled Shrimply after only 11 seasons. None of those are real words. Okay, this common Corvid is incredibly intelligent and excellent at working together with its peers. Adol, you got it first? Crow. Crow? My brain started singing Shrimply Irresistible. Shrimply the best. That's when a hot girl shows up in Shrimply's world. and they start playing Shrimp Lee Irresistible She takes off her motorcycle helmet her hair She's a shrimp but she has Anne Hathaway style hair I'm having fun The Corvid one more one time Yeah the common Corvid is incredibly intelligent and excellent at working together with its peers Crow Crow operative Crow operation You got it Crow operation I do want to see a scene Guys I do want to see you, Zid. The two of you are crow doctors, or sorry, crow surgeons, and you are operating on a human. Can I be honest with you? Yep. I got no idea what the fuck is. I don't know what all this stuff is. I really thought it would look like a crow in here. Let's... Okay, let's just reassess here. Yeah. Let's just pack out his eyes. Packed out his eyes. Am I supposed to be awake? Ah. Um. Yes. I can feel everything. You can feel everything? Yeah. We should have practiced on a scare coma for this. Give us one second. Let's talk to the chronosthesiologist real quick. Hey, what's going on? Did you give it? Did you? Yeah, you're supposed to put him to sleep. You're supposed to put him to sleep. Oh, sorry, was I? You're a chronosthesiologist. I don know what that means Yeah that makes sense Look we all agreed we saw three episodes of House Through Someone Window And we were gonna be doctors Yeah I guess I just wanted to wear the outfit I kind of assumed that you guys would maybe read into it or Time of death About now I'm still alive Cuddy, you're such a slut Oh yeah, see, this is what we need Yeah, I think that he's I think he's dying of a really rare disease that I'll figure out what it is. Okay, now we're talking. I wish we had seen the show with volume up. We cut to a courtroom. Your Honor, my client was left on an operating table for two days. Cut open with no food or water. Wait, you know how to be a lawyer? We watched like two episodes of Ally McBeal in front of a window and now I thought, no, no, no. Order in the crow art. Order in the crow art. everybody in the courtroom sort of looks up and to the right trying to see if there's a way to make that work the seed well we tried the experiment and it failed we're not humans remember the dancing baby on Ally McBeal and what a what a absolute cultural milestone I can't stop this if you go back and look at it it's the dumbest looking thing in the world yeah it's crazy it's crazy the technology just was not there it's like it's like watching the Polar Express the technology She just was not there. Never seen it. Anthony and I are rewatching Upon a Time on the Gumshoes and Dragons Patreon. And I have gasped out loud at how bad the CGI is on that show. Yeah, because it costs money. And the thing about things that cost money is nobody wants to do them. I don't want to do something that costs money. Here's my thing with that, though, is I think with so much CGI, is people don't factor in the amount of time that they need. Oh, yeah. I think that all of these artists are capable of doing it, but with the cat butthole stuff, they're not giving any of these artists the time they need to make it look okay. Yeah. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, it could also be that they're all procrastinating. They're like, I got it. And then the night before, they're like, shit, shit, shit, buttholes, buttholes, buttholes. What does a butthole look like? I don't remember. it's not a problem anymore though because like nowadays if you need to have a huge woman throw a boulder through a glass bridge and get rescued by a fake dog you can have AI do it in 15 seconds and then we don't do a very specific reference I don't think so I think it's pretty that's like a general example of just anything that you might need to the world sucks But back to some of these riddles. Oh, I love this next one. This animal will always play dead when threatened, despite having so many other options. Possibilities. Possibilities. Oh, Adel, you got possibilities so quickly. Is that what it is? It's possibilities, baby. It's possibilities. This is the best one. I love possibilities. And by the way, like, Shrimply, Cooperation, Possibilities, all of these are geared to being sitcoms. These could all be quibbies. Yeah. But you said you're getting mad at us every time we call scenes. I know. Because I do want to get, because I can't have three episodes of this show be Ted's animal pun rate. Everybody knows Trimpley. All right. This bird of prey is often unpleasant in social situations. Vultured. No, no. Unculturevered. It's a bird of prey. Vultures are like scavengers, right? Buzzard. Again, you're thinking scavengers. This is a bird of prey. A falcon. It's not eagle. It's not falcon. Wait, would you say something? Osprey. Owl. It's not owl. It's not an osprey. This is like the next most common one. I don't want to think anymore. Big John. You would see maybe these at like a, did we see one of these at medieval times when we went to medieval times? A hawk. Yes, it is a hawk. So this bird of prey is often unpleasant in social situations. This is like Aaron at a party. Hawk to it. Hawk to a. Hawk to a. That is me at a party. I'm so awkward. What do you mean that's me at a party? Is that what people are saying? You say that. You say it. I only know what you say. I don't talk to people. Oh my God. JPC thinks I'm awkward. Erin. Yeah. Every party that you're at, you have little blinders on. And the minute we remove them because you beg us to interact with party guests, you dig your claws so deep into someone's forearm, they have to go to the hospital. I'm wearing my air gloves. I grab people's hair. Aaron, I thought Hawkwood was hot and awkward. That's why. Oh, like hangry. I'm actually, I'm gonna go up to my Hey Riddle Riddle room. I'll see you guys later. Hawks upstairs. Hawks upstairs? I'm gonna cut my door. I hope no one comes up here and tries to cheer me up and convince me to rejoin the episode. Hey, JPC. Should we go get Taco Bell? What's the slogan? I'm gonna make a run for the border. It's not that, but it's something like that. Aaron, please come back. We need your help to do these animal pun raids. I'm not a load-bearing part of the show. No one needs me. Aaron, nobody bears loads like you. Oh, no. Casey? Oh, no. Casey, you know what to do. Simply irresistible. I don't. Fine, I'll come back. But only because Adol didn't ask. It would be a tragedy if we could no longer eat chowder due to overfishing this animal. Clam. Yes. Clamity. Clamlamity. Clamlamity. Clamity. Clamity. The largest of the deer family would prefer its accomplishments remain unattributed. Moose. Oh, I love it. Yes. accomplishments remain unattributed. Anonymous. Anonymous. It's so funny. The three of us are in I don't want to see the scene. Great. Great. You know what? I didn't even pull out the paperwork. So we're fine. No harm, no foul. No sale, Harry. He's walking. He's just walking. No, no worries. That's okay. We didn't even pull out the paperwork. Don't worry. Don't worry. Change your mind. You know where to find us. I got into the starting blocks. I started to stretch my legs. They raised the pistol and I said, I want to go home. I want soup. I want soup. You did that like MIT genius challenge and you're like looking at like eight sticks and one piece of tape and you're like, I'm not a genius. I don't know why I set up for this. Not for me. Someone at the Olympics being in the starting blocks and doing that lift up thing and then going, eh, I want soup. You're saying bolts. Don't you want to? Nah. Soup? Didn't you train your whole life for this? I want something with sort of orzo. Maybe like a lemony orzo something. Maybe a long grain rice? Yeah. I want soup. Bailing on anything that took strenuous training for it for soup. It's like crazy. I love it. It's got to feel so good though. I will bail on my own wedding if I crave soup. Italian wedding. Soup. Soup. Kobe. Soup. This shelled reptile often has to twist and bend its body to protect itself from predators. Shelled reptile? Shelled reptile. A turtle? It's not a turtle, Aaron, but you're so close. It's a tortoise. Contortorist. Contortorist. Contortorist. Contortus. Contortus. This game sucks. It hurts to talk. Oh, no. I love this game. I love this game. 1099 needed a great job. This venomous snake will happily fill your glass. Cobreiter. Cobreiter. Cobreite. Cobreite. Cobreite. Viper. Yes. Viper. Viper. Viper. Happily fill your glass. Keep. It's not Viper. Happily fill your glass. Somaliaper. Viper. Viper. Viper, Aaron. It's Viper. That's a great name for a bar if anyone's starting a bar. Yeah, Vipor. VIP-4. That's amazing. Wow. The Vipor room. Oh, yeah. Can people start bars in LA? There's no good, easy bars to get to in LA. Can people start bars in LA? Yes, Aaron. There's no law against it. It might have to do with alcohol permits. I know that those are harder to get in some places. Ugh. Well, can someone try? Can someone just fucking try? Not us. Aaron? Not us. Disclaimer, not us. barely drank your fermented tofu I made for you. Yeah, well, it's gross. And it smells insane. Oh, thank you. Aaron! You're welcome. What? That's brutal honesty that we can get behind. What are you talking about? Yeah, well, it's gross and it smells insane? That's honest? You call... Hey, Aaron, you call it like you... And we're moving on. When asked to star in a third Flipper movie, this... Cetacean? It's all finished. responded with an emphatic yes. Oh. You got dolphin. Dolphin. Emphatic yes. Finally. Aaron, you're close. Not finally, but... Dolphinately. Aaron, you can do an Australian accent. Dolphinately. I said maybe. Dolphinately. Dolphinately, maybe. You're gonna be the one that saves me. Oh, my God. Okay, look. I just flipped the page, and I saw that there was a whole other page of Animal Pun Raid. So that was Animal Pun Raid, and there's also an Animal Pun Raid 2 Electric Boogaloo, and oh my god, there's an Animal Pun Raid 3. So we will, here's my promise, we will come back to Animal Pun Raid at a later date. Get coordinated. Get coordinated. Okay, now you're just guessing future, you're just burning ones that we know we can't do. Jaguar. Cowordinated. Cowordinated. Dolph funeral. Dolph funeral. All right, hey, no more episode titles. We already got it. You hit cold with 10. We murder. We murder. But that does mean that we do have a little bit of time left in the episode for, hey, Casey, can you play another voicemail theme? Hi. I want to make out with a rough wall. I want to bottom a renegade goat. I want to call a Mormon coffee place. I'm the group slut Okay, sway mama Parts Shock thoughts Hot dogs Ew We have to kill Casey What if a balloon in my ass is a clown Hold on, hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on Are you gay? Pump up the volume, pump up the volume That was thrilling that was that was Jade Cypher's final of four thematic voicemails from the 2025 out of context clip bracket Jade says I made the first one question my Sandy creating one for you then after all this I said fuck it and made one with all three of y'all in my opinion they slowly got better with each theme but I can't tell anymore Jade I think you knocked it out of the park and thank you for submitting that was fucking giraffe fantastic Perfect Adel this is you the rest of the day You think you're getting out of this way of thinking? You're stuck My brain is a prison I thought it was tape-erific I thought it was Now give me like 7 or 8 minutes If you want to submit one to the show It's you know Or voicemail theme to hrpodcast.gmail.com 30 seconds or less Casey can you hit us with a voicemail What Erin thinks? Hi Twitter crew long-time lover, first-time listener. I work for a Christmas party company, and I wondered if you guys could pitch us some royalty-free characters that we could offer for a children's party. All right. Love you so much. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Goodbye. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Did they say they work for a Christmas party company? I think it's a children's party company. Children's party. Oh my God, I also heard Christmas. I truly thought it was a Christmas. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah, yeah. Children's party company. Okay, what about this one? Alfred the alligator who don't eat kids. Okay, that seems a little defensive. You're right. As soon as I said it, I heard it. We don't need that one. Alfred the alligator who definitely don't, always doesn't don't eat kids. and that is a little bit confusing Clown Townie this is a clown this is a townie Clownie Townie is this a reference on KC2 do we start calling him Clownie Townie Clownie Townie it is the royalty free guarantee you get to use me I'm public domain and you can have an Aaron Keefe character come and sort of warn kids about the dangers of being awkward and hot. Or historical figures. That's in the public domain. Calvin Coolidge. Yes. Aaron, that's the first historical figure you think of. James Buchanan. Mussolini. Mussolini showing kids geckos or whatever. Mussolini. It's a moose who's an Italian fascist. The trains run on time. Dibs. Anyway, all those are winners. Sorry. No, I'm going to give you a real one. I'm going to give you a real one. Please, one real one. Kendra, the apathetic unicorn. And she doesn't really care, and the kids think that's hilarious. She's like, yeah, I guess I'm at your party or whatever. Fun? I don't know what kids these days care about. Yeah. Tommy Balloons. Tommy Balloons is not for free. You pay Adel for that idea. You pay him for that. Yeah, we're going to copyright Tommy Balloons. Yeah, Tommy Balloons is actually not for sale. Thank you so much. Good luck if you want to use Tommy Balloons for free, asshole. No one use Tommy Balloons. No one draw Tommy Balloons. No one create a costume for Tommy Balloons. Tommy Balloons is not... My culture is not your costume, but Tommy Balloons style. Okay, let's get the fuck out of here. I have nothing to plug. Hot dogs. Yeah, Adel, anything for you? No, hot dogs. Yeah, hot dogs should be too. Gumjuice and Dragons, Hayward and Herodal Patreon, Magic Tavern, Hot Dogs. Hot Dogs, Hot Dogs. Hot Dogs. created by apple refined starring Aaron Keith and John Patrick Cohen Casey Toney did the editing memory parents in the music logo created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Naboros 1, 2, 3, 4 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10 Hey there, aliens and zombies. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's episode. It's an apocalypse draft. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyrunnerunnel by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a HeadGum Podcast.