We all need advice, but it's not always clear who to ask, even in 2026. Sometimes even I don't know where to go for advice, which is why I recommend checking out How To, the long-standing advice show, and 2026 Ambi Award-nominated Best Personal Growth podcast. It's hosted by my friend and award-winning journalist Mike Peska. You might be familiar with Mike's work on the just the longest running daily news podcast. Each week on How To, Mike tackles a listener question, including one of mine, ranging from mental health and finance to relationships and beyond. And he gets help from world-class experts who actually know what they're talking about. Think of it as eavesdropping on someone else's therapy session without the copay or the awkward silence or the stairs. No question is too big or too specific. I was happy again to appear in a recent episode of How To, focused on the topic of how to emigrate as a threpple. How To is a great companion to our show and you will learn something new listening to How To. I always learn something new every time I listen to Mike. So follow How To with Mike Peska on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and let him know the Lovecasts send you. You're listening to After Action Report at Sadditch.org. After Action Report. Welcome to After Action Report, where listeners bravely tell me about the new things that they've tried and we all get to learn from their experiences. Today we talk with Jenny, who got ambushed, a little bit mildly ambushed, tiny bit ambushed at a sex club. I hope you enjoy our conversation. So Jenny, welcome to After Action Report. Thank you for coming on the show. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Thanks. So give us the brief bio. Who are you? Where are you? Why are you here? How did you come to be on this dirty little podcast? Sure. So my name is Jenny. I live in Colorado. I'm 52 and having my own cum spring up after 30 years of marriage. And never too late. And never too late. That's been a whole adventure, but I've been a long time listener. And so I love these After Action Reports. And I have been having all these experiences. And I just wanted to share something. But when you made a call for something that maybe didn't go great, I thought, Oh, I have a story. So. Oh, so you're here to share. Finally, we have, we've had so many people calling in to share great experiences, things that worked out, that were wonderful. And I keep asking people who've had a negative experience to come on the show. Because like, not every experiment, not every new thing somebody tried worked for them, or worked for them the first time. So I'm actually really exciting, excited to talk to you about something that was bad that happened to you, which is a little weird, actually. I'm excited. I'm thrilled that something awful happened to you. You want to talk about it? So give us the setting. Where did this terrible thing happen? So I am part of my identity is as a swinger. And so I like to go have casual sexual experiences and sex clubs. In Denver, we have a couple of them. And so this particular day, I went to a new one that I had not been to that had recently opened was chicken, check out the vibes, see what happened. But I went by myself. I didn't go with either of my partners, but just wanted to like socialize, see what was going on. So I did that. And I don't know how much detail when you get into, but I had some, I had some fun, met some people that I knew, met some new people that I didn't know, got into a little bit of spanking with somebody that I have been spanked with before. And at this one point, this gentleman watched me get spanked, I have a little bit of a, a little bit of junk in the trunk. And a lot of people like to watch me get spanked. And so I thought that's what was going on as this guy was like, into watching my, my rear end, which he was, and he complimented me. But then instead of inviting me to go to something with my rear end, he said, can I give you a foot massage? You know, I'm open to experiences, I'm opening, open to meeting new people. I don't have a hard limit against my feet being touched. I'm a little bit ticklish. So this guy asked you if he could play with your feet. He asked if he could give me a foot massage, which I picked up on was he is a foot fetishist. And so we will see where this goes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. People don't, people who don't have foot fetishes do not ask people in sex clubs if they can give them foot massages. Correct fetishist correlates very strongly with offers of foot massages in sex clubs. Yeah. So I was not ignorant of that. So I wasn't completely blindsided by what was to happen, which was he was going to perv out on your feet and lower down. Correct. I always cite foot fetishism or being with a foot fetishist as like the lowest bar for a GGG person to clear. Like, oh, he's, he's into feet and you're a little like weirded out by that because it's not normal. Like how hard is it just to let somebody like kiss your feet or lick your feet or rub your feet? Who doesn't like a foot massage? And so I've always sort of cited it as like the Er example, the platonic ideal of like something that a person should be able to, even if they don't derive any pleasure from having their feet eroticized or sexualized in that way, they should be able to do for a partner that, you know, they're in a relationship with or somebody they've just met in a sex club should be able to do that without a problem. But this is where it went south for you. Yes. Foot play. Yes. So I like you said, I thought, okay, foot massage, at the, at least I get a foot massage. That sounds fine. But I also figured he was a foot fetishist and so I thought, well, maybe you'd get a little bit weird and he'd want to suck my toes or maybe he'd want a foot job. And I'm like, I can do that. Like if that's where it goes, I can do that. And so we went to the couples area of the club and found an empty room, which yay, there was an empty room. And so I just sat on the bed and took off my sandals and let him do what he was going to do with my feet. And how could this go? Did he cut your feet off? Did he tear your toenails out? Like how does this go wrong? How does this turn into a negative experience? So he did rub them for a little while and I was okay. It was a little bit strong. It didn't tickle me, which was good because that could have been bad because I am ticklish and I don't love that. So he did that. And then he started using his mouth and I thought, okay, so he's gonna just suck my toes or whatever, which I'm not super into, but like I could go there. But then here's where it went wrong, Dan. He started biting my feet. Oh, that's a whole other, like tickling is another kink. Like somebody giving you permission to play with their feet because you're a foot fetishist is not permission to tickle them. That's another ask and another kink. Yes. Biting your feet. Yes. That is biting is itself like tickling another kink on top of the foot, but he needed your consent to bite your feet and he didn't get it. Yes. And so here's how GGG I am. I'm also a masochist. And so there, like I was like, can I eroticize this not very pleasant feeling? And, and so I tried that. It didn't work for me. Like it was a bit like the tops of my feet, not just my toes. Like if you nibbled my toes, I probably could have converted that and eroticize that as, you know, how much can I endure? And like this is fun to see how much I can endure. But the biting, I did not like. If he's biting the tops of your feet, I thought a fleshy part of your foot. No, it was kind of hard. They're like bones and tendons. Yeah. Was he aware that he was hurting? No, and that's my bad. That's my bad. I need to use my words. You should have, you should have used not to like blame the victim here because totally that kind of kink requires, if not a conversation, a very, very, very gradual escalation. Yeah. I have a friend who went to a sex club and the guy like lightly slapped his face, just like tapped and my friend loved it. And so like the guy kept getting a little harder with the slaps until he was really slapping his face. But it was like so gradual that it was consented to nonverbally as they progressed, as it got more intense. But it doesn't sound like he started with a nibble and you responded so positively. He knew he could sink his teeth and he just went for it. Yeah, he went for it. And he also like, I mean, like I said, I've been a long time listener and I share your nuance in some of these edge areas, you know, where it's public play or sex club, like, and definitely not like, yes, he needed to ask for consent, but I also needed to use my words, but he did not like start the nibbling and say, how is that? Is that okay? Do you like any of this? Would you, you know, or, you know, do you want to continue? Like all of those things would have been very easy for him to do. And I also could have also said, Oh, hey, I don't like that. Like, we all know why he didn't do those things in that moment, because he would rather ask for forgiveness and permission or rather leverage the way you were socialized as a woman to not use your words in a moment like that, to not say no to a man, hurt a man, disappoint a man, to get what he wanted in this creepy coercive way, which was he wanted to bite a woman's foot or feet, right, to a painful extent. And knew if he asked for that straight up, he was unlikely to get it. So he grabbed it instead of asking, right. And I hate this man. I didn't lead him on in the sense of like, I didn't pretend that I was enjoying it. Like I was pretty neutral. Like, I was like, Okay, how long is this going to last? And just kind of waited to see. And if it had gotten like scary in any way, I definitely would have said, you know, no time done. Did he leave marks? Were you bruised or is skin broken? I didn't notice it immediately. But the next day, the tops of my feet hurt. And I was like, What the heck? I was like, Oh, that's what happened. So they were bruises. Yeah, bruise, not visible bruises, but I could feel them. And it was uncomfortable to wear my shoes the next day. How did it end? How did you finally get your feet out of his mouth? So that went on for a little while. The whole thing probably was 10 minutes, maybe on the outside. So we stopped and I said, Okay, I probably said something more positive than I felt. But I was like, Okay, well, thanks. Thanks for that unpleasant experience. And then he said, Can I get your number? Oh, my God. I said, No, you may not have my number. Have a good rest of your night. And I get the only digits you're getting are the ones at the ends of my feet. And you're not getting those again. Oh, I wish I had that. With a vest of the stairs. Oh, yeah. So is there a lesson here for other people who might want to go to sex clubs who might be game who might be approached by someone? What's the the moral of the story, the takeaway for others who are listening? So I went in with an open mind, but I also needed to bring with me also being prepared to use my words when something is not what I want. I just as a very short aside, I had another experience recently where a very intoxicated man slapped my ass at a sex club. And I personally don't mind that like that's actually not a boundary violation for me, but it was inappropriate. It definitely exceeded expected consent norms, even for the sex club. And I should have, even though I wasn't violated by that, I should have said something. And so I've had two experiences in recent weeks where I'm like, okay, I need to get better about, especially in public places, especially when there are witnesses or other people that can back me up to be able to say that is not okay, you need to stop. And so that's my lesson for myself. That's a lesson for other people. If you're going to go in with an open mind and open to experiences, you also need to be fortified to hold your back. There's this tremendous pressure at a moment like that. And, you know, we talk about the way women are socialized, women are socialized, but I've succumbed to this too, where you just don't want to ruin the vibe. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so like something happens and you kind of deflect it or roll with it. And then later you feel bad that like you let yourself down. Even if things didn't go seriously south, like you took a, you went a little south, things went a little south and you didn't like swoop in to rescue yourself. I've been there too. I made that mistake too. Like we talked about the wisdom of the stairs is that French saying for like, oh, you think of the perfect thing to say after you leave, when you're walking down the stairs, like sometimes after a sexual experience that wasn't great, you have this kind of wisdom after the fact that makes your subsequent sexual experience is better because I think sometimes we have to learn the hard way to advocate for ourselves. And it sounds like you've only just begun exploring going to sex clubs pretty recently. Yeah. The sounds of things. And so I don't want you to be too hard on yourself for not using your words in the moment, because like that experience, the guy biting your feet, it wasn't traumatizing. We're laughing about it. You're laughing about it. I'm not, I'm not, we can see each other. Other people can't see us. You're not crying and I'm laughing. Like we're laughing about it together. And it's put you in a position now because you have this mild negative experience where you should have used your words, where you're much likely to use your words in the future to head off something that could be just as unpleasant as this was or worse. Right. Right. So I really kind of feel like sometimes we have to let ourselves down to then be there for ourselves in the future when we really need to be there for ourselves. So this is kind of a good, like a sexual immune system response or play party immune system response building experience for you, I hope. So positive. Maybe there's a positive here, even though it was a negative experience. Yeah. And I identify as a hedonist and part of the way I define, like other people define hedonism as a pleasure seeking for pleasure's sake. I define it as experience seeking for experience's sake. And so sometimes even a painful experience, I can find not joy, but like good things in that because I learn from it and I love learning. And so I learn. When you consent to sex, unless you've had a conversation about kink or crazy stuff, you know, sucking, fucking, rolling around, making out, touching, like there are certain things that you kind of can assume that you've consented to or that someone else has consented to. When you consent to like a foot scene with somebody kissing, licking, rubbing, foot job, everything that you anticipated could be possible. Those are the reasonable default assumptions. And he was leveraging your willingness to consent to the reasonable default assumptions around foot placing to do something unreasonable, to spring something on you that he knows you would have said no to, or that 99% of women would say no to had they been asked, which is why he did not ask, which is why I hate this man. But here's the thing, if I had entered into that conversation with a, what are our boundaries? Not all nerdy and weird like that, but like, you know, to say, hey, what are you into? And he didn't say the biting and then because that would have guarded him off. So this is also how women operate is we will give signals of like, I have limits, because I am talking about my limits. And therefore you should not exceed limits or you should ask. And there's a way to have that conversation in a sexy way. Oh, you want to like play with my feet? What do you want to do with my feet? Tell me about it. Like it could have been flirtatious. Oh, I forgot this part. I, when he complimented my feet, I said, Oh, I just got my nails done. So I did that. I was like, Oh, cool, like my pretty nails. You noticed. Yeah. So it could have been awesome, but it wasn't awesome. And dude, if you're out there listening, you made it not awesome. There are probably people out there who like to have their feet chewed on. Ask, ask first, Jenny, thank you so much for coming on. After action report, it was great to finally have a conversation with somebody who had a not so great experience. We could talk about the takeaways, the lessons and how to better protect ourselves in these situations and how to use our words. People can't hear that often enough. The importance of using our words. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. Thanks again for sharing your story. Jenny, if you have a story like this, if you've tried something new and you want to talk about it, whether it was a good experience or a bad experience or a mid or a mid experience, we want to hear about it. Write it up. Send it to us at queue at savage.love with the subject line after action report. Thank you all for listening. We'll have a new after action report for you next Friday. After action report. This episode of the Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable, made in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by Load Boost. 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