Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

My name is Kevin Eelon and I feel... Nothing about being a horrible rhymes friend. You feel nothing. Nothing at all. I'm dead inside. Fall is here, here and now. Back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking loose. Climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey everybody and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend joined as always by Sonom Obsession. Yes. And Matt Gourley. Hello. We were just talking about this a second ago. It's occurred to me a bunch that if I was turned out into the real workforce now, as I am with my... I'm going to call them skills just to be generous to myself. I would not be able to get any job. And I do think... No, I'm being serious here. I'm trying to do it. Yeah, yeah. If you could wave a magic wand and people... First of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You watch me in the old days. Come on. Let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills, I think I would starve to death. I'm wondering... History teacher, I think. You could do it. Yeah, but they have to know... I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff and I have a lot of weird knowledge but I can't teach a class and I shouldn't teach a class. You give everyone a's. You just feel bad, I feel like. If you read it, you mean like, oh, they try. If a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after it. Oh, no. I mean, after school, I'd like following. Oh, okay. I thought you meant it. It's the way I'm going to kill you. I'm going to get you. I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head. You know, they're going to get you. You think all you mistroel Brian? Why have that bag on your head? And then I forget that the McDonald's wrote my name on the bag as they requested it. You think that's the only thing that would conceal you is the bag. Yeah. I'd have a bag on my head but I'd be wearing a original late night with Conor Brian shirt. And I'd have written on it, this is mine because I'm the host. In indelible name. Oh, she mistroel Brian. Why do you have a bag on your head? Before you were known, did you have any entry level regular jobs that weren't in the industry or anything like that? Well, as we know, I worked at Wilson's House of Swed and Leather. That was a camp counselor. You can go back. I mean, a lot of my stuff was not, I don't have real skills in the world. And this is a problem. And I look, I'm going to say that about myself, but I'm questioning like Sona. Yeah. I think if you, when I met you, you were a very hardworking, efficient, knowledgeable person. I'm being serious. Why are you laughing? I know where this is going. No, but listen, but then I saw you rot so quickly. This is where I'm going. I mean, seriously, rot. Just fall apart. Because suddenly, oh, there's lots of free white wine around it in network events. And suddenly you're just getting paid to be on camera and tell me to fuck off what I'm saying is, or true school. Could you, well, let's say what I'm doing with this exercise is saying you cannot, you cannot go into entertainment or anything like that. You have to get a job where they don't know who you are. You can't trade on the fact that you might be a known person. And for you, you can't do anything podcast related. Thank God. I think that would you do? I actually think about this. Okay. You should, by the way. Wait, there's a reason you're bringing this up. Also the fact that you took no responsibility in what happened to me and how I've devolved as a person, you are a circus clown. And so no part of my job is ever serious. And I realized early on my job was to be fodder for your bits. And so everything else just fell by the wayside. So it's your fault. It's my fault. Okay. So no doubt I have contributed. But you're right. The one helped. You always have to see your own hand and things. And you're rotted so quickly. I did. Guys, guys, guys, hold on a second. All right. Let's continue this discussion because I want real answers later in this presentation. What do you think? Okay. I think that's a great idea. So to be continued for the segment at the end of this episode. Yeah. All right. Sounds good. I'm a comedian and a very good friend of mine whose new stand up special, Loose in the Crotch is available on YouTube. The podcast always goes off the rails when he's here. It's always a beautiful disaster. So I'm looking forward to this. Kevin Neillin. Welcome. I met you in the beginning of 1988. I was in the writer's room at Star Night Live and you walked in with Dana and I was very excited to meet you because I have Alzheimer's. You're trying to remind me of what happened. Your name was Kevin Neillin and you're a comedian at the time and then you got out of that. I did. You're more into real estate now. No. I am thrilled. No. What? It's real estate. It's very lucrative. I am. No one is kidding. I am thrilled that you're here. For you to say you feel nothing after all these years of us being very close, very close. I'll tell you why I said that because I've felt that everything already and there's nothing more to feel about you. Hate, anger, jealousy, all of that. I'm determined today to keep this thing running. Do we please have some kind of a conversation? In the past we've had difficulties. You and I are not real people and when we encounter each other, it's like two AI chip monks having it out. When you say wait, you mean you. No, no, no, you too. You know that you have a problem. You don't look me in the eye. I can constantly look in your eye. Just one of them. There's the problem. You just look at one eye. Get one eye. Look at the other eye. It's not a good eye. You know that. Thrilled you're here. Thrilled you're here and you were just down the street. I wasn't able to join you. You kindly invited me and you were sitting with some heavy hitters. Yeah. I know. Normally when I do a podcast, I get together with the host beforehand and kind of, you know, Brad and we kind of talk about what we're going to talk about. But I didn't do that. I did not do that. I didn't want to do that. No, no, we're going in as we always do. Hot. Hot. We're coming in hot. Hot and hot. How are you? You're on the road a lot. I know you're constantly on the go. You have a new special coming out. I mean, this is, these are exciting times. These are really exciting times. I got a lot of things I want to talk about here. So when you don't push a foot around, let's get down to it. Just a little more pussy footing. Mew. Mew. I know. Things are going well. I am very busy. I've been in a lot of standup comedy and I'm really at the top. I was Gary Shanley's say, Cam, you're at the top of your game. Yeah. Well, you are. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. I know you're, you're talking about pickleball, right? No, no, no. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. You just starved my, I was going to seriously say I, I think you're one of the best standup comedians. I know consistently for many, many, many years, I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. You're just, you're a winner. And if you were a hot dog, you'd be a winner. This is why I'm, this is why I'm at the bottom of your game at the bottom of my game. That reminds me, I have really funny cartoon I saw once as a hot dog opening his mail and it said he's at the, you know, little mailbox and then I will shoot jokes. Excuse me. I'm a caption is you may already be a winner. And that's such a good one. I love that. That's a good one. Yeah, I like that one. All right. Uh oh. Glass water. What's going on? Let's start. How are you buddy? I'm doing great. How many times you're going to ask me that? How are you doing? How are you doing? How are you doing? Like, you know, we come around to the gate. I do have a special coming out. It's called loosen the crotch. Loosen the crotch. Now can you tell us what that's all about? The title. I'll tell you the whole. I'll tell you the whole. You don't want to waste. No, no, I won't go to the home. Special if you want right now. I have a memory. I prefer that. Loosen the crotch comes from a cat I used to have. An impier. And I love this cat so much. And I'm not a cat person. You know, I mean, I don't like cats to be honest with you. Right. I wish them well. Success. But I'm not a cat person. What kind of success do you want? Any kind of cat success. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. In the cat tree. Yeah. Cat tree. Maybe. Yeah. Proost some good hair balls. You know, something that's good. Yeah, yeah. So this cat was amazing. He was just so friendly. And I just loved him. I loved him. This is 10 years ago he passed away. And I had a pair of jeans at the same time. And these jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans. You know, how you get a pair of jeans once in a lifetime? And you just love them. It's that magical pair. It's that magical pair. Yeah. I know it's hard for you because you have long legs. Like me. Like me. And so I found these jeans. They were snug in the hips. Tighten the butt and loosen the crotch. Most of the time. That's where the loosen the crotch comes from. Most of the time. They mean if you became a rouse they weren't loose. Well, no, I didn't say that. I said, if you put them in hot dryer, you know, I don't know where your mind's going. But Lincoln, I finished. I mean, I finished. I know that. I know that the remind mind went. But yeah, go ahead. So he loved those jeans. Whenever I sat down he would jump up on those jeans. He wouldn't get off. And so when he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap them up in those jeans and bury them. It make me feel good at least, you know. But that cat. You never met Pierre? I don't think so. Oh, no. He was the best. Ten years ago. I still miss him. Yeah. But not as much as those jeans. So you miss the jeans more than Pierre. Yeah. And you regret wrapping Pierre in those jeans. Oh, big time. I regret it big time. If I could do it again, I would not do it again. Quick question. Yeah, where is he buried? Oh, he's buried in Arlington. Wow. Yeah. Did he buried with full military owners? Of course. I'm guessing the cat must have served in what theater? Afghanistan? No, Santa Plex. But no, he's done everything in this cat. In fact, that's how he died. What do you mean? He was on a special mission. Okay, I see. That's military. Yeah. So died in the line of duty, buried with full military owners, wrapped in your jeans at Arlington. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Incredible. This is an incredible story. And you know, my wife was telling me a couple of years ago that I was jeans were going to tie on me. I said, I've been wearing the same jeans for 30 years. She says, well, you believe what you want to believe. So, yeah, I could prove a point. So, I dug up my cat here. And I unraveled those jeans from him. Cat here everywhere. I tried those jeans on, and guess what? What? Little tight. That's the big, that cat. Little big, oh, Henry ending. Little tight. Just a little tight. The general, little bit. That cat, the lost so much weight, Conan. Good for him. I'm going to help him out of the way. Yeah, that happens when you. Not an unhealthy. Okay, of course. So, yeah, it's called Loose in the Crotch. Okay. And it's going to be on YouTube January 27th. It's premiering on the 800 pound gorilla platform. Very good. You're not writing that down. I don't have to. It's all right here. I just wanted to remember for you. YouTube, the 800 pound gorilla platform. I listened to everything you say. What's the date? You said March 11th. Oh. January 27th. What was the name of my cat? Wait, say it slowly. January. You just said January 27th. January 27th. You're going to make sure that you get the plug in, make sure you do it correctly. The cat's name is Pierre. Buried full military honors. I think we're done. No, we're not done. We're going to keep going. I did not despair. Yes. January 27th. Okay. And it, it's going to be on YouTube on the 800 pound gorilla platform. Okay. Yeah, you're just repeating yourself now. No. What was the name of my cat? Pierre. And. Buried in the morning. And he was a nice cat. Listen, Kevin. I just want to have a conversation with you. You don't want to realize. You don't want to conversation with me. You and I, even when we get together, just the two of us, there's no microphones, there's no sona laughing, there's no gory-looking worried. Whenever we get together, just the two of us, it's the same bullshit. You and I don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me. And I don't think you do either. Here's something that I do. I don't know if you do this as well. You said just the two of us, automatically thinking of songs. Just the two of us. No matter what you say. You can make it if we try and just the two of us. I don't know you couldn't say. Come on, man. Let's just do this. What are you writing down over here? Nothing. I just wrote something on. I just wrote something on which was my career. Are you keeping your church? You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game. That was brutal. That was a brutal take down. The standup is going great. And a lot of... I looked at me to ask you a question. I saw some press recently. You shut off your big mouth about going to the SNL 50th. And you said, I cock-blocked Conan O'Brien with Paul McCartney. And it got a lot of ink. I mean, I saw this everywhere. And by everywhere, I saw it on one site and I'm still looking. But it was everywhere. Have I been on the show since then? No. Okay, can we talk about that? Yeah. Do you feel badly about it? Horrible. You did it on purpose. I'm at the Plaza Hotel. And there is McCartney. We've encountered each other many times over the years. We start having a nice chat, a really nice chat. And then you come sailing in and block me with Paul McCartney. You know me, huge Beatles fan. Why'd you do that? Well, let's back up a little bit. How far are we going? Down to the 60s. No. 1960s, okay. I experienced that same thing. That's why I felt horribly about it. I was talking to people in another day, another night before and people just coming and interrupting me. Like I was nothing and just taking over the conversation. I understand. So when I did that to you, it was kind of like a revenge thing. I kind of, I revengeed. Revenge, but not against me because I hadn't done that to you. Yeah, but somebody's got to take it. You know what I mean? Yeah. So anyway, did you have something good to talk to McCartney about? Nothing. But we used to be kind of friendly when I was on the show and he was there. Because we're both kind of animal activists. And we talked a lot about that. And Linda McCartney sat at my table when I thought other reunion. And so we had a lot of discussions and stuff. So I saw him, I got, oh, he's going to be happy to see me. So I kind of come into the conversation with you guys and you step back like you should have. Yeah, I'm nice that way. I created a space for you, which I now regret. I regret it too, because it made it look like you got pushed out instead of saying it. It's a great point in the conversation. McCartney said to me, I'm thinking to put another band together, would you like to be part of it? And all I had to do was say, yes, and I was going to be part of his next band. He said, I think it'll be his the biggest one I've ever had. And I said, his ghost. It was the ghost of McCartney's ghost. It's the ghost of McCartney. And he said, you know, I'm going to be three other ghosts. It visit you tonight, the other Beatles. And you better become a better person in the morning and realize the true meaning of Christmas. But anyway, so let me continue. I'm going to be on my bed. Okay. It's McCartney as one of the ghosts. And the other ghost, of course, Lenin and Ringo Star. And then the twist is it's not Harrison. Oh, yeah. Harry Goffante. I'm very well. Okay, go ahead. So you step back. All of a sudden it's me and Paul now. I go, hey, Paul, how you doing? You look good. The ghost that come back. Yeah. And I really had nothing to say. You had nothing. It was amazing. And I know that he's standing there getting so much small talk all night long. I'm surprised he's out on the floor. But people are coming up to him and I'm standing next to him. And I'm sensing that he doesn't remember who I was. Yeah. You know, and I face it me like, what do I do? That's what he said. Wait, wait till you hear what he did. Okay. So I say to him, that was a good choice of a song to do. Go to the slumbers. I'm like, well, you know, Lon wanted me to do it. Yeah. But you guys said other songs you could fall back on, right? And nothing, not that kind of like now. Crickets. Yeah. And it was in my fault. And so he had one other hit. They could have fall back on. So anyway, shortly thereafter. And by the way, the whole time I'm looking at his mouth and that's the lips where hey, Jude, all those songs came out of, you know, and I'm kind of looking at it. And then I see the tongue once and I go, that's the tongue. That's the tongue that pushed the. The music out. This was such a, this was a, I didn't say that to him. It was so creepy. Yeah. No, but I could see you just staring into his mouth. And he, guess what? He could see it too. No, no. You were looking into his mouth as he was talking. I look at the lips the way they formed the words that said that was a word he used in Hey Jude. But you know, and then finally he goes to me. He said, oh, there's my, there's my niece. I'll nephew. He was, let me introduce you to my nephew. He brings me over to like four tall guys, you know, like executives they look like. And he parks me there. He stands for like three seconds. Then he's gone. Yeah. He just did the handoff for me. You know what? You know what that's called? That's called the kneeling. When you're talking to someone, you know what I'm talking to. And you scrape off your shoe. That's it. We call it because we all do it to you because you look at our mouths when we're talking when it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've scrapped you off my shoe many a time. I've said, hey, look, there's my niece and my nephew. And then I walk over and it's a fire hydrant and a letter box. And I just leave you there. Hey, come on. Let's get off of this whole thing. Let's talk serious for a minute. Okay. Okay. It's seriously, but anyway, go ahead. No, it's not. It's how or do you say it? Have you read texts? Text is lately. What? Texts? Have you read texts? What happened lately? Nobody uses pronunciation or punctuation. Okay. Do you know how they finish it? Just smiley face emoji just came out of your mouth. All right. So what happened? So that's what happened with Paul McCarty. Yeah. Yeah, we still really understood that it was a really dawn from that. You didn't need to then say, oh, and by the way, that was the end of that story. That's a sign that something's not working out for you. Why are you so angry? I, you know, I'm going to say something. Bill Burr said this to you recently. I love Bill Burr. Who does it? He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful fellow. Angry. He revealed about you. He said, everyone thinks you're a nice guy, but you're really pretty toxic. And you are. There's a lot. Bill Burr said about him. That's really saying something. You know what? You come across as this beautiful, you know, delicious, red, delicious apple, but there's little razor blades in there with Kevin Neal and jibs and jabs. You see it too, right? He knows how to dice and slice with the best of them. There's some anger coming out of you. I know there is. I love how you ended with a sip of coffee. Yeah. If that's what that is. I love how you ended up with a sip of coffee. Yeah. No, I appreciate you first of all, let's go back, recognize it and I am a good comic. You're a great comic. And what's the greatest comic special, by the way? You're caught. It's called Loosen the Crotch. Your cat's name was Pierre and it's going to be on YouTube and it's coming out in January. What? Well, that's where it gets interesting. That's not interesting because it's sad. It gets sad because you can't remember. That's the 27th. You know how to remember that? Yeah, so to help you. Remember because 2 plus 7 is 9. What platform will it be on? What's that? What platform? YouTube. I told you it was going to be on YouTube on the 800 pound gorilla. Yes! Yes! I do this to you. How long is this special? Well, apparently to some critics too long. I'd say there was an extra 20 minutes you didn't need. There was a whole part where you were just talking about airline food. No one needed that. I've always revered you. You know that. Don't start doing a bit with the water glass. How do I listen to you? You're not. You're more worried about your bit with the water glass than you're about talking to me. Why is everything a bit for you? Why are you so defensive like that? I'm a pretty serious guy when you think about it. You are multi-talented. You really are. True. You're hilarious. Come again. Then you do this thing. You come out of the blue a couple of years ago. Not that long ago. I guess you were developing this in private. You come out with these caricatures. They're fantastic. You did a book of caricatures. They're really amazing. Whenever you call me, the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself. You're very talented at this. I just wanted to doff my cap to you. Wonder why still no second book. First book was great. I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me, one of your heroes. First of all, I've never had anyone doff their hat to me. I appreciate that. You don't get out much then. You also don't travel anywhere. 19th century London. No, but, sir, you're very talented. I love doing the caricatures. I've been doing them for more seriously in the last couple of years. I sketched you a lot when we were doing writing Hanser Franz and SNL. You're always in the corner drawing. You once drew my shoe. I used to take it. I would take, I would wear old man's shoes. Winged tip shoes that I got at second hand stores, flee markets. If I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. I wore jeans in a t-shirt and then these old 1950s and 60s shoes. You can relate to this, Gourley. I think you'd like me too, but no, you've gone even too far from me. People died in these shoes. It's like your cat. I would wear these shoes and then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored or you're trying to come up with an idea. I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table and just look at it while I was thinking. You rearranged it a little bit, shifted around. Yeah. I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore and you once sketched me looking at my shoe. Yeah. Yeah. That, by the way, is that... That's like MoMA now. Yeah. That particular one is that one. Is that MoMA? Yeah. So, yeah, so I've been doing a lot of the fun. You invested nothing in that lie. You quickly realized this company's not going to work on it. I'm a pro. I hit and run. Hit and run. Let's not lose any time. But people are always asking me, can I buy one of your paintings and I never was really selling them. I just had the book. And so now I opened up a store on Shopify. KevinNeilandArt.com. Is that true? This is your second plug. I can go there. How many more plugs does he get? I want to go to this. He gets two more plugs. Okay. So, yeah, people can go there and buy my paintings if they like. It's quite easy. And in fact, I do have one of you that I did. Oh, you did one of me. No, you didn't. Did you really? I think you suspected it. But... No, no. I bitched at you for a while because you've never done a proper one of me and I was a little hurt because you were doing all these... You guys, you guys doing all these other people, you don't even know. I'll just go. Here's what I've been to your offices before. And you have so much fan art. So many different characters of you and drawings. There's no more orange paint out there. I can't find any more orange paint. Okay. That's a good one. Anyway, this is it. And it's my attempt. It's my first attempt. You see my chair. Oh my God. Hey! Whoa! That's so bad. I fucking incredible. That is amazing. That is so good. Jesus, that oil? That is amazing. That's beautiful. Oh my God. I love that. I'm... You know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you? You can't remember. I know every... I got the vein in the wrong area now that I'm looking. But... There's that insipient IVA. That's incredible. That is really a beautiful... This is really cool. We should mention that you can go to at Team Coco podcast on Instagram to see this painting. But you know, your hands really would explain that face because they were like this. Yeah. You know how you... I... Well, you know what I'm trying to do. I believe last year at The Oscars and... This is at The Oscars. And this is me... I make... I put my hands out sometimes when the crowd's so enjoying my material, I'm afraid they might search forward. Oh, okay. And I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying? KevinNeil and Art.com. You know what I'm saying? This is... That's incredible. Yeah, I know. You know what I'm saying? This is... That's incredible. You know, tell us... What are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using? Crann. It's all crannies, okay. All right. I'll tell you what I'm using. I'm using a unique, I believe it's called. So there's different... There's different... Oh, mediums. That's a sketch. I sketch. And then I do digital. And then I do paint. It's really gorgeous. Thank you. Are you giving this to me or is there something I haven't... No, look at this on the store. Hey, you put this up on the store. This would be huge. It's gonna be huge. Believe me. And by the way, I was gonna put something on the back. It's gonna say, this belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a regift. Because I know what... I know you got a lot of this stuff going on. No, I just... I love that. I think you're... I mean, you're a phenomenal talent. Across the board. You really are. I am. But you know what? I don't like to doff my hat to it. It's more cat. You doff your cap. You tip your hat. Cap your... You know the baseball thing. No, just no. So... You okay? You wanna talk some more about my accomplishments? Well, I... Part of the things... About the podcast is... Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley? Chris Farley. Not that Farley. No. Kevin Farley. Farley, very nice. You know what you want? It's not in the audience, it's Chris Farley. You're a black hole. I know you're doing it. I know you're doing it. I know you're doing it. I know you're doing it. I know you're doing it. Chris Farley. You know what? Light can't escape you and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black mall. Here's the problem. We are both magnets, but with opposite polar attraction. And neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what. I... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. You know? Well, you know that... Oh my God. That was a real sneeze. That was a real sneeze. What if there was not coming out of there? No, I'm swear to God. I think I'm allergic to this, whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast. It just came up right there when you couldn't even have complete a sentence with me. No, no, you couldn't complete it. I gave it to you. You couldn't have completed it. I said we're two polar opposites and that's because... And then you sneezed. I think we both have similar talents. We occupy the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light. Oh, shit. It's your fault. I'm going to put this down because I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this. You don't like it? I love it. There's a shredder down there. Let's talk about sneezing for a minute. I can make a sneeze really loud. Yeah. I scare my family sometimes because I don't have to make a loud, but I can make it, you know, not the breathing in, but the coming up. Yeah, yeah. It's a street. It's like a... Yeah. No, my wife, the whole house, freaks out when I sneeze because it's a loud shriek. Does tech do this? It's a thing that men do is... I do it. You do it. You're a loud sneezer. I like getting it out. No, me too. I want to get it out. I think that's safer. I always think I'll get an aneurysm. So I go the other way and I shriek as if I've been stabbed to death when I sneeze. You do the same? Minus more like a poo. You know, it's really loud though. And I'm telling you, it scares my family. Are you sure you're sneezing? No, I don't think you're sneezing. No, no, no. I think you own a laser. I see. It's like this. A poo. I sure did. I don't think you're sneezing. No, no, that's not a sneeze. We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago. Who is we? Uh, Pierre. Okay. My wife. Oh, my son and my wife. Okay. Susan and Gable. And I sneeze and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us, like maybe five yards in front of us. And I sneeze. So loud. Everybody jumped. The family turned around. What? And I was kind of embarrassed. So I was looking around like, who did that? You couldn't admit it was you. No. You're up your wife and your son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Your wife's like was. It was beautiful. It's time out your wife now. Gorgeous. You know, my wife very beautiful as well. But come on. Well, what happens is familiarity breeds contempt. We look at each other every day and, uh, no, we're both very lucky men. But my God, your son, I'm going to say his name, Gable. Yeah. What a handsome, polite young man. He is so polite in an old world kind of way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me. If he could afford a cap, you're not a big earner. My point is he is, uh, he's just an incredible fellow. Thank you. And he loves you too. Of course he does. He does impressions of you. In fact, what? He doesn't press. Well, no, I don't like him so much. Would they cruel impressions? No, they're right on. He finds a little nuances of people. He's a really good mimic. He will come over to you and, and he's doing you to me. He'll come over and grab my shoulders and go, you know, I got to, what I do something. You know, whatever you say, you know, you get in there, you know, I like to grab a man by the shoulder and sona. I like to, I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people. Yeah, yeah. This has caused me problems in the past, subways. But I like to, um, when I see a fellow like you, I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing. And you think you'll see something like, what am I going to do with you? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice. Inner part of me. A lot of like pent up anger rage. Yeah. I'm going to kill you. That is true. So, um, my wife and I spent you brought her up. We are executive producers. I said, I think you know, on a, um, Sundance winner called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a documentary. This is very, did you see it? Yeah. It's on Apple TV right now. And you know what? This is incredible. That's your, I think you're up to three plugs now. You get one more plug. Um, I'm going to recap on some of these two. Okay. Did you get, when you work with your wife, can you get along or do you, do you disagree a lot? Oh, no, we get along great. Yeah, she's a good partner. But the executive producing, um, it's, it's, we're two of the people and there's, there's several others. So it's, uh, it's quite a, and it's a great, uh, it's a great documentary. And I think you'd be hearing a lot about it. Okay. Well, you're hearing about it right now because it's another plug. Uh, when is this coming on, by the way? I want to come on. This will be a February 9. No. Because you think this is going right out? I thought it was live. No, I thought February 9th. And I know what a 2026, 27, 90, okay. I could deal with that. Um, what's it cost to do this podcast? Well, there's a lot of overhead. I know you don't pay attention to that. There's a lot of overhead. I love this building. A great building. Do you own it? Uh, what's just saying? Look at me. Look at me. I do. Do you really? Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but I, um, I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles. I own about buildings. I just don't, I don't on the buildings and this has been a problem. I did the wrong thing. It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it. I bought small, I've got small pieces of land in and around buildings that I don't own. And I'm talking very small. What's your favorite piece of land that you own? Catalina. Come on, can we please just have something going on? Nothing going on. You know what? I'm going to just ask listeners, get a transcript of this and I think they're readily available. What's the name of the documentary I was talking about? We're not going to have that. Come and see me in a good light. Yeah. And it's on Apple TV right now. Yeah. And it's a love story, Conan, if you're interested. I really want to guess you and I aren't in it. I want to give you that one. I'll give you that one. You'll give me that one. I want you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there? What was that? We're not going to air this. Well, do you want to not air this one? Are you seriously thinking about it? I'm thinking about it. So it's a good, it's a real good documentary. Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. I'm talking about it in my cart. I'm talking about it all. You're going to get some nephews over there, some nieces. I have plugged everything now. Do you root for me? I, I, I, do you root for me? I think you're what you think. I think you don't. I think you want me to be destroyed and then you get to come on, give me a hand up. That's what you want to do. Hey, buddy, just walk it off. Put your hand out. I take it, but then you pull it away and you do that thing where you brush the side of your head. What do you think? Gorilla, you seem stunned. I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you. Do you root for me? That's part of me, sir. Will you root for me? I could really use someone to root for me. I want everyone root for me. That's why I go out to people and say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? So you don't sound talking to someone with a terminal illness. And I'll say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? And you're like, I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth. And you're asking me if I root for you? I do, you do, you do you do you root for me? That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it. That's what it is. I know you're stuck. I told you that before. So I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do. I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy for you. Thank you. I don't think you are. You want on this very podcast. No, my family loves you. You cried. You cried saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere. I'm happy because I was sad for you. I was sad. I really was. I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful. Please, I'm not. I'm working my way, keeping my head down and doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing. No, but when will you relax and know that you're under it off? That's not going to happen. That's not in your life. And that's why I stopped rooting for you. You lost cause. You lost cause, right? And you just sit up. I do actually. I do sit up. You know, will you be chasing the six pack forever? I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six pack. I had it once for like five minutes. I had a one pack and then it turned out it was a. It was an inflated boo-boast. It was a postulating boo-bo. Inflamed liver. Yeah. Do you have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body and long before I met you? Oh, got it. Got pictures. Do you sir? You were in, I mean, you were a physical specimen one day, weren't you? Can I show you a picture? I know you've done this. You ask a lot of people this. I asked people. I have another painting. I asked people. Do you root for me and you ask people? Do you want to see a picture? You ask me. And it's never gone well for either one of us. You ask me if I had a picture. Yeah. Okay. Let's see your picture. It's in my phone. I got a lot of pictures. They're all of you and then one of me. Good one. Isn't it funny like when you have a cell phone, you know, before you. You got me that time. You want to see a picture? Yes, I do. I don't have one. Good one. You've seen this is Kevin Neill and Zach right now. Hey, everybody. Want to see something cool? Yes, we do. You tell me the part one when it's for a picture. Not going to happen. And that's our show. What do you do? I got an eight by ten on here if you want to see that. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. No, no, this is what you try even harder pull out the big guns now But you're right there are a lot of young comics out there and it's You don't get it's hard to you know, you know, you just do what you do You know, I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do but nothing happens Why don't you cover up your mouth is that like a what are you doing? It's because I'm trying to save you embarrassment Yeah No, I just I like what I'm doing and you know, I've gotten to that crazy sound he just made did you hear that? What's going on here, buddy? I see why you need a friend I Like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good You know not pulling punches with myself. If you had a few drinks You just Just look like you were like four drinks in a hundred great one of the great I walk you can make fun of me one of the great you are one of the greats how many are there? Hundreds of thousands um you are among hundreds of thousands of greats. No, you are a singular talent You don't what's that funny noise you just Sorry, I'm trying to say something I don't believe in it's getting stuck in my throat motorcycle I'm trying to say something that I don't You don't do political comedy you don't lean on the culture You just get up there and you talk you have fantastic brilliant jokes You're one of my favorite humorists of all time you really are you're great and you're very I believe that and I believe that you are A unique voice and you've never compromised, you know I mean occasionally in some advertisement or something but in your work and you stand up You've never compromised and I think that's rare very rare and I have great respect for you Appreciate that. Yeah, let me tell you joke. I just wrote okay This is where I think it might be getting a little hacky okay. I was at Phoenix last week I've flown in I got there it was a long time to get there because of cancellation stuff I'm going to my hotel room. I'm starving and exhausted and I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave I thought good microwave so I put a frozen Mac and then I locked it up for 68 minutes You just thought of that no, I thought about it before and I've hold it down So you thought of it bro, when did you think of it? How long ago? It's like five days ago Okay, I haven't stopped working on it. I finally Yeah, I say it again because you weren't paying attention So I was really exhausted you're tired I was hungry and I come into the hotel room and I noticed as a safe Off to my peripheral vision and I go oh good so I I locked up a frozen Mac and cheese in there for six to eight minutes And I left it in there and so the next people came in the woman put her necklace and the safe into the frozen Mac and cheese Period I This is a new thing you're on to period and then the less the audience know you let the audience know That the joke has been told instead of and see and period period I like it I like it Let's look at the picture you got do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things? I find myself pretty funny. Does your wife think you're funny. Yes Yes people It's so kind of sending but people are always Saying if Liza laughs at anything I say they act amazed But how do you reciprocate with what she does? What what what what are you what are she missing from you? I don't know. I'm thought about that That's a really good thing about other people besides yourself That's a good point, but I mean you love her for a lot of things. No, but you don't show it again I was back to you being too insensitive to show your feelings Oh Let me finish You just said when did you you just said he said that I'm I hike yeah, I can you Kevin yeah, he said it and you just said oh 40 plug That's the fourth plug. Yeah, you said I had a four. Yeah, I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible Oh, I'm gonna get the six before I leave okay Did you see but you just breathed out? I know you have so much venom in you it comes out But you're a lovely man. I'm gonna say that you're a lovely guy and I think you've got a big heart, but right? There's little little razor blades in there bill burrs right you've got these little tiny razor I didn't say that to you. He said that on my hike. I know he said I'm a hike. Yeah, but I was baiting him I was pushing his buttons try to get some kind of a bill burry actually I was guy from Boston out into the sun You didn't you didn't need to bait him. He's not from Boston. He's told that many times. Yes from the suburbs Yes, and you've got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston And I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair? That's what I said well Matt wants no part of this podcast Projecting on each other you notice that we talked about this last time like you're accusing him of those things that you might as Will be pointing in a mirror and same thing you guys are exactly you know exactly if I was pointing in a mirror I'd be pointing at myself That's why you're so angry at me because you're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me Yeah, they're a little razor blades in what I said and vice versa Yes, yeah, so we're kind of the same guy and that's why these are so weird That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polar opposite. Yes. This is really good Thank you. I'll be back in about an hour You know what you we we are Yes, that is why these are so fucking weird these and fantastic Slash disturbing is that it's true of the same people and We it's kind of fight clubby where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Yes, you know what I mean? You don't I think you but I think that if we let our guards down and Open ourselves each other will find out that we're really not worth much It's just and that's why we keep that wall up because we don't want to know. I don't want to accept that truth It's true. You are me and I am you and I've told you this a million times. I saw those words come out of Paul McCurney's mouth You got us back there didn't you Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul? What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today? No, I was just thinking about how this is kind of revelatory that we are the same person Yeah, and I I told you this a million times what affairs repeating when I met with Lauren for the first time to maybe get a job at SNL He asked me who's my favorite cast member and you were pretty new But I had seen you do some things on update and I said I like Kevin Neillan and Lauren kind of made a face like okay one another shot No, he loved you too. He loved you too. I'm kidding, but my point is I have to hear that story one more time It's gonna drive me crazy, but I get it But But my point is I think I was some guy on my couch in late 1987 in my early 20s looking at someone on TV and I think I saw Something that was in me. That's why I liked you and now you and I are both Sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating. You guys both want each other to root for yourself Yes, I want and you know what? That's because I want to root for me. Yeah, exactly. This is fascinating We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your you know, okay, it's a spam if you had spam lately We're not completely alike There are some crucial different I'm going by theory just no I agree with you I had spam Summer camp the summer camp they used to cut off slices of ham and put it in a skillet when I was up there and the woods a new Hampshire and fry it up and I remember looking at that spam cooking and then looking at my red-freckled arm and thinking those look the same Seriously It's a real memory they put brown sugar because that helps with anything my father used to cook everything with brown sugar Spam bacon. It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing If you had been in the room with Einstein when he was sitting there at the patent office and he said wait a minute Maybe equals MC squared and maybe everything is relative and the speed of light you would have cut him off You would have cut him off And said do you think a bidet work? If you live a bidet Like a Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work? I mean isn't the toilet doing most of the work? I was supposed to do some of the work What did I say did I say equals? Wait, what was it? I forget what about spam you ever spam did it look like you're on it? No, because whenever we go on a hike together And we do my little hike on YouTube hiking with Kevin you are always like Not like you sound like you're so like this is all so ridiculous this whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody in the drone It's just what am I doing here? Okay, let's go When we did when I did the second hiking with Kevin you had this drone You devoted you devoted so much time to getting these drone shots They're the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see they're taken from ladder height if we had brought a ladder we would get At the same shot and you kept having this thing go up I think you have separation anxiety from your drone You wanted it only to be like two feet away from us at all times and you spent forever fucking around with the drone and And then packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack and you would go long and then you'd release it again But not too high just up in here and you get bill bill bird love the drone He loved the drone You really found it ridiculous But yet you will never say no to me. No, I don't and I love you know why cuz I do love you and I do feel bad I do love myself then I Do feel badly Sometimes asking you for things. Yeah, you don't I do cuz I'm thinking what is he gonna say no? What is he gonna say now? I'm I'm a sucker for this guy do anything really cuz I got a couple of Kevin Elander at com no, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do one of those people who just plugs things from for the rest of this thing Let's just talk about what about you run my show and we were having what I thought was a real conversation And then I asked about your health and you started to talk about yeah, well, I had a fib and said I'm like, oh, that's really rough. He was he yeah, yeah, yeah, and this is on the talk show and then you said yeah But you know, so you got to you know, maybe sure that you get the medicine and just and then you looked into camera away from me and said Just a check with your doctor. Make sure it's the right medicine for you All right, I felt this chill go through my spine and I went okay, Kevin you and everybody band plays I said What the hell was that and you went well if I don't say that party don't get paid and I went what? What you did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation I was I don't care about your deal I was asking you about your health and then you look into a camera and say just make sure it's the right medication for you No, I said check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication. Oh, sorry. I butchered Well, I worked on that line for a long time Such a weird sad moment for me. I don't even know you're gonna at the end of this you're gonna look to camera and say just If you lack sincerity just make sure you take sincere Oh, yeah, the farmer company said you know and your contract you have to do one late night talk short and it kind of Told me this you could have said something your business You were a guest on my show You're a friend of mine. I'm the guest. You should say it by the end I'm gonna do this thing for a pharmaceutical company. Oh, to help you out I would have said like wow you look much better. What's champ different in your life? Well now I'm on job a diablo Do you know I didn't because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself. It was creepy It was creepy. Well, that's crazy. It was betrayal people loved it. They love that information this audience did stand and share We will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us They did I'll never forget that they did and they said check with doctor check with doctor And they lifted you up on their shoulders and they took you out check with doctor check with doctor check with doctor Bet a lot of money from that. Okay great No thanks to you. Yeah little heads up next time. Okay I'm gonna wrap this up because you're a terrible person, but and I'm talking to myself. You are not to you Do you want to recap anything? Yeah, you screwed me over with McCartney You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some a-fib medication without telling me first And it was weird and a show went up my spine and you always tell me back I have a suspicion that you're not gonna give me that painting that you're gonna take it and sell it on A friend over that net Kevin Neil and hard talk up. Uh, you're right. That was a really really disgusting and self promotional promotional thing But you know what it made my life better. I know you're rooting for me. I have to be better Right, I mean you can't just claim that yeah, but yeah, I mean I think the major thing that Well, I don't want to I don't want to recap all the plugs. I did no you don't need to but you do have to see my special Yeah, I think you're gonna like it and I will and I'll see it clearly because I'm using a new medication I care about you. I think you're one of the greats one of some other greats. We're not gonna get into that Um, next time I come can we please just talk like we're normal people Not gonna happen Kevin Neil and because I'm getting the point now we're wrapping it up. I really can't have a conversation with you if I learn anything about you It's just like total Tarts in the eyes. Thanks for being here Kevin. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me I really got it. I appreciate I appreciate anytime I'm able to be on your show. Thank you Kevin late night talk show or this or the Oscars good having you here. Thank you Kevin. Good to be here. You take care Okay, we're back on this subject and you were about to find out from Sonor what she would do if she didn't have this job Listen, I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering what would you do? Seriously, let's be honest. I know what I would do what because I think about this I would work at Costco Why is everyone laughing? Hold on hold on. I'm not listening. I'm not laughing. Costco is one of my favorite places in the whole world I love going there and everyone who works there is kind of cool and you know you like check things Yeah, you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging and You do the BB beeps and everyone's happy most of the people they're happy because they're getting like a lot of stuff for a good deal Yeah, so I would and I think that they it's a good company. They have good benefits. I seriously looked at you thought about it Okay, so and I'm not joking about this at all I know that the customers are very happy you get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy So I think they're well taken care of I really think that the corporate structure there Boy has got something. Let's go blight. I was just gonna say that Costco is known for having great benefits for their employees Like health benefits. Thank you. Like it's like a well-known thing. Okay. I could do it too. I know and the thing is I know you could I know you could I think there'd be I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying I don't get it Where's the free booze? When do I when do I get to stay with my boss in a five star hotel? Yes, and make poo poo and butt jokes When do I I mean you don't think they make poo poo and butt jokes at Costco? I think they do and I think they do them in bulk I have to say in my defense. I've been Hey Eduardo good one Mad respect for Eduardo. I've made poo poo peepee butt jokes at every job I've ever worked So I bring people down to my level even when you worked at the IBS clinic I'm here for my IBS I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor Poo pee pee pee Sample there's poo poo in there. Yeah, of course. It's funny. It's funny And then you chase them out into the parking lot with their sample Poo pee pee pee yeah Listen, I think you would do fine at Costco I do think it would be a period of adjustment. Hey, we're the famous people I get to meet yes all that kind of stuff Yeah, exactly. Is that not part of it? No, not part of the job? That's cool Do I get to fly in a class higher than economy like when I used to use your credit card and buy myself to know all that stuff is gone Gone gone. Okay. Well, that's so I think I need to rethink And retake it Yeah, no, no, but I do think I know you're incredibly practical and you you're completely self-made No one ever offered you anything and you made yourself and so I know that you would do okay And now the eye Is it what you want to do or realistically have to do you know what I mean? I think it's what I'm talking about is you've got to put food on the table You're gonna have two kids. Okay. Um, they're crying These are really young kids and I'm gonna say your wife cannot help in any way you need to make some money I guess I would just go back to teaching I full-time teach and what what with the subject? I taught Theater for for 25 years. I'm gonna take that away from you and say it can't be that because I'm gonna say forming arts Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical something. I think I would do like Interior design consultation, but not like decorating but like remodel But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you? I could you could you be a contractor? I couldn't be a contractor. No, I could be a consultant like a design remodeling consultant You know what I mean like that kind of thing. I just think in desperate times you can't say well off to be a consultant I know that's why I'm thinking what is it? You don't get you don't get benefits with consultant work either I've always had to manage benefits on my own always just kind of work to gig style, you know Yeah, okay. Yeah, but seriously, what do you think I can't be anything to do with be honest? What could I do? I'm gonna I was I don't say teacher anything I know what I was thinking the same thing girls was which is teacher, but I also can I be serious for a sec? I think you'd be a really great politician Maybe a local politician Because you're very likable you're funny and you're also very smart and I think your care is mad at it and I think you would You know, you would be like you'd be like hey guys. I'm on the city council Um, and then you would you're not easily corruptable. You'd be one of the good ones So I think you'd be a good politician Yeah, I think so, but can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician? No, that's the that's the tough thing with this. That's why I'm thinking about I'm just thinking about oh, it's the depression Yeah, your business has completely gone away Right, I have a lot of taken over there smoldering ruins. I got to go out then I would just do construction work I would just go join a firm and just yeah help build houses. I guess I mean one thing I could do is model Oh I'm just heading all along No, I just thought of it. No, no, no, that's not where this is heading planted this whole thing No, I'm not I'm just thought of it this moment, but I am Wait, why do you say no way? I have very sharp cheekbones you have No, ask You know what kind of you the only one Who is looking at male models in a catalog who were showing you like glasses and saying where's the rest? I don't see the rest Also models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to like saying the clothes Thank a more from play by the way and wait if I've ever put you down legs long legs. I have very long way down the runway You walk down a rock can you do it? Can you do a runway? I can do like a funny runway. Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do you can't well you can't be serious I would take the attention off the clothes if there's a camera pointed at you and they say give us a smoldering look Can you do it do it do it do it? You should do it Hey, Conan be sexy be sexy Conan be sexy show a sexy give us a sexy look You're a bad boy Coney give it Yeah, I'm gonna put jelly on my chest Do you use that sporties as for? All right now you're your model that you're with act like you want her like act like you really just want her you want to have sex with her Oh Both No My glasses windshield wiper Hey, our spins around My god, so if you lose this job, you'll just be institutional Yes, I will be immediately institutionalized, but I'll make money because people come and study me. Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. We cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco. Yeah, baby You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized Because I'm criminally insane Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonom of Sessian and Mac Goryley Produced by me Mac Goryley Executive produced by Adam Sachs Jeff Ross and Nick Leo theme song by the white stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns additional production support by Mars Melnick talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Britt Conn you can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan called a team Coco hotline at 669 587 2847 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode You can also get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at serious xm.com slash Conan And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are down