So here's another awkward but fun moment, hiking in Bryce Canyon. This nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the cozy earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the calm parenting podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our cozy earth and we did have on our cozy earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is, once you feel the heavenly comfort of cozy earth bamboo, draping you in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends. After the hike or a long day running your kids around, nothing feels more soothing than slipping into cozy earth joggers and clogs. It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy earth goes where your day goes. Head to cozy earth.com. Use code calm for 20% off. You heard about cozy earth from the calm parenting guy. That's cozy earth.com slash calm or code calm for 20% off. Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jump start your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. And you know our kids love that. Your kids can explore any topic in any grade level. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership. When you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk, visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how should you respond when your teen or tween complains you're too controlling? None of my friends parents do this. You need to stop treating me like a child. How should you respond when the school sends home notes about your child struggling with behavior or grades? Should you take your kids to therapy? How do we help those spicy little toddlers who fight you over everything? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com and this is the final week of the extended Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So we get lots of emails about kids who are hard to parent from parents who are at their wits end and if that describes you, you're not alone. I received a really interesting email a couple weeks ago that just jumped out at me and I immediately began making notes so I thought I'd share the notes. Even though I know this may not describe your particular situation, I'm going to begin with the teenager situation for this reason. Those of you with younger kids can hopefully prevent some of this from happening by the shifts in thinking and different action steps you take now. So let's dive into this. By the way, shout out to Caspian. A young guy listens to the podcast and is making great strides and really working hard on just being an awesome human. So keep up the good work, my friend. So here's the situation. 14-year-old boy has a new girlfriend and every night they talk on the phone, sneaking calls until 2am, even though he has to wake up at 7am for school. The parents put reasonable restrictions on the phone and now the teenager is angry, says they're controlling. None of his friends have controlling parents like us. He says he feels fine. He doesn't feel sleep deprived. He says he can take care of himself and we need to stop treating him like a child. And the parents went on and said we tried to explain the importance of sleep for a teenager, right? Because grades are slipping, attitude is worse, and threatening to find other ways to sneak and get what he wants. So they said, what would you do? Calm guy. So here are my thoughts. Number one, you are not doing anything wrong and your expectations of your teen and your tweens are reasonable. Number two, well the one thing you are doing wrong is trying to convince him about the importance of sleep for a teenager. What were you expecting? A rational teenage boy? You know, you're right mom. I care more about my health at age 14 than the emotional high I'm on now. Right, that's not going to happen. So number three, let's really get to the root of the issue. This is most likely a kid who has felt like he's been swimming upstream against life since he was little. Maybe never fit in at school, usually in trouble, more than other kids. Maybe he struggled with peers a bit and is a typical awkward 14 year old. He's bored with school. He doesn't necessarily have a vision for his life yet. Perhaps his relationship is strained with his dad. I don't know if that's true, but a lot of times it is, right? And so along comes a cute girl who likes him, who pays attention to him. So here's a 14 year old boy who all of a sudden is wanted and liked and desired. His hormones are raging and he's obsessed with this girl. This is a huge adrenaline rush and emotional high. Plus, first love only happens once in your life. Does that mean we let him talk to this girl until 3am? Absolutely not. But we at least understand why he would want to. See, I want you when you're in these situations, step out of your own parental anxiety and fear and step into your child's world, whether they are three or 13 or 23 or 33. So number four, I would normalize that with him first. Of course you want to talk to her 24 hours a day. She makes you feel special. She's cute. You make her laugh. It's one of the most incredible highs you will ever have in your life. So I can see why you'd want to talk to her and think about her 24 hours a day. That makes sense to me. So you simply validate truth because that is truth. Simply validate that instead of trying to somehow convince a teenage boy that sleep is good for him. He doesn't care. And if you have a decent relationship with him, be curious. Ask what specific qualities he likes about her. Take an interest in what your child is interested in. It doesn't mean you give in, but enter into their world. Five, look, you have to just laugh at his bluster. He says we're controlling. None of his friends have controlling parents like us. He's fine. He doesn't need to sleep. Of course, that's what all teenagers say when they don't get their way. So you don't even have to react or respond to that. They all say that. Number six, he says he can take care of himself and we need to stop treating him like a child. You have the option of calling his bluff for now. Doing this, make a list of all the ways you quote, treat him like a child. You pay for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, soda, pizza with friends, spending money, health insurance, extracurriculars, clothes, shoes, video games, phone, phone service, internet, gas money, car, car insurance, driving places, electricity for warmth in AC, toothbrush and toothpaste and acne care, medical care and teeth cleaning and braces, laundry services for his clothes. Make that list on a piece of paper. Slide it under his bedroom door and you can say this, these are all the ways we treat you like a child. If we stop these, you will be responsible for all of these things yourself. We estimate the cost to be about $3,200 per month. Since you don't want to be treated like a child, let us know your plan for paying for your phone, phone service, etc. Now, is that really going to solve anything? No, but sometimes it provides context and I say that also because you as parents have sacrificed, whether your child's a toddler or teen, you have sacrificed so much and given them so many different things and you don't get that gratitude coming back to you right now. So if you want to say that, there's nothing snotty about that. Hey, these are all the ways we treat you as a child. Here are the 27 different things. If we stop that, let us know your plan for being responsible for those things. See, that's fair to me. Number seven, the parents said we decided to keep the rule that his phone will be shut off at a certain time at night and we have to restrict him until he can control himself and we are going to make our expectations clear. This is what the parents said. He has to stay on top of his schoolwork. He has to respect his family, including being kind to his brothers. He needs to have more responsibility around the house, do his own laundry, set his own alarms, clean up his messes. Number four, respect the set boundaries when he said he's going to be home at 730. He needs to be home by 730 without us reminding him without him being late, etc. So my response is these are all very reasonable things, but I would simplify it a bit. Always simplify the rules in your home. Number one, his phone has to be turned in by 9pm or 10pm. Whatever you choose on weekdays, maybe later on weekend nights. Number two, he must keep a B average. That's specific more than staying on top of your schoolwork. And then I would pick one or two responsibilities around the house, like doing his own laundry. Start with that one. To be honest, I hate things like respecting your family. It's just so generic being kind to your brothers. I want him to be kind to his brothers, but it's so smarmy, luxury. Here's the other part. Those things will come when he feels good about himself. It's not like you can enforce it all that well. He's 14. You're still going to have to remind him to be home on time. And he's going to fudge curfew by a few minutes because he's a 14 year old boy. So sometimes we put these owners' expectations, keep it simple and realize you're dealing with teens and tweens. They're prefrontal cortex. It's not even close to being fully formed yet. And they're so into their own world. Look, you can go hardcore. Hey, if you're not home by 7.30, you lose X, Y, and Z. You can do that. But I'm trying to be a realist and also focus on what's really important here. So that's what we start to get to. Number eight, I'd love for dad to have a father-son talk with him if they've got a decent relationship. But obviously, mom, you can have this relationship as well. Here's the gist of what I would say. When you just normalize that he should be fairly obsessed with his first love, this is normal and understandable. Of course, you should want to talk to her 24 seven. This is one of the most intoxicating feelings you will ever have. And you say, you're a smart kid. You know that good parents can't allow their kids to stay up until the middle of the night talking to their girlfriend. You know that all good and reasonable parents have boundaries and rules. And you know that you aren't capable of earning a living and taking care of yourself yet. That's just basic truth. When you make threats, after we set reasonable guidelines, you are acting like a toddler who doesn't get his way. Your threats actually make us trust you not more. You just have these normal raging hormones and this new wonderful thing in your life you've never experienced before. So that makes sense to me. So we are going to set a reasonable boundary that on weeknights, your phone has to be turned in by nine or 10 p.m. Whatever you decide. We don't expect you to like that. You should want to stay up until 3 a.m. talking to her. But that's not how the world works. But here is where you have power and control. If you can learn to control yourself, we won't have to. If you can show us that you can manage this relationship and keep a B average in school, then you will earn more freedom over time. See, this is an opportunity to be mature and show us you can be more responsible for yourself. And here's an idea. Every night after you have to turn in your phone, you could use that time to write her personal notes. Girls love that. You could make her something personal. That way you're doing something constructive and building the relationship. We're also going to be reasonable and give you a do-over on your grades this semester because you should be distracted for a period of time and only think about her. But then you have to make a transition and create a more mature plan. Threats and such only lead us, only lead to lesser no phone. And you know that. So if you're ready to be treated more like a grown-up, this is your opportunity. Now, you're going to say that all at once. No, that might be over a course of a few conversations in different ways. But the gist of that of putting the responsibility back on him while not creating drama yourself and just saying like, you know, it doesn't work like that because your kids do know that. I really like that approach. Okay, number nine, this is kind of a good one. You know, I like being stress-free. That's why we rely on our Cove Home Security System. It's simple, affordable, gives us peace of mind. 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I would put some extra time into getting your teen or tween to do just one constructive activity, preferably helping another adult do something just to get your child moving in a positive way, connected to others, feeling needed or helpful because this often sparks some internal motivation and it also builds confidence. Look, we're dealing with kids who, look, a lot of kids out there every day they go to school and their mission is, well, I'm going to do really well in school because I like school, I'm good at doing school, I get all A's, I'm taking honors classes and I'm going to go to college and I'm going to get a degree and be in a certain profession that I've always wanted to do. So they have a mission but most of our strong will kids, they don't really have a mission yet so they're kind of floating out there. So and what we tend to do is, okay, your mission has to be school, good grades, good behavior. Well, they're not good at either of those things so they shut down. So I try to shift a little bit and say, okay, if I'm not getting a child who's going to throw himself or herself into school, then I have to get them to throw themselves into something else but I want to work with their nature and these are kids who tend to be really good in the adult world. They tend to be really good for other people, just not you. So think about this, what is your child naturally good at doing? What is he or she curious about, interested in? What have others recognized in your child? Find opportunities to use their particular strengths through special projects, surface projects, starting their own business. Ask another adult to approach your child and say, hey, Jeremy, I've heard that you're really good at X. I could use some help with a project and need you to come to my shop, my house, my classroom to help me. See, we need to build that confidence and vision. It doesn't matter if it's walking dogs in the neighborhood, helping an elderly neighbor with yard work, doing some kind of job at the gym, helping a teacher with a special project. Let's try to get one win by using this process. By the way, it always works better if the other adult, you just have to make sure this is safe, approaches your child. It can't be mom or dad saying, well, I think this is a really good idea for you to try. They're going to be like, I'm out, not going to do it. But if another adult approaches them, they're often really into that. So this works, I like this approach. It will take you a little time, but start looking for opportunities. People at work, anybody who can give them a job to do, a lot of times they become kind of a mentor for them because other people can encourage our kids and other people can hold them accountable as well. So this is, I go through this a lot in the No BS instruction manual for strong will kids. We go through that in great detail with lots of examples. Number 10, the most important lesson in here for all of this is this, we must be ruthless in protecting our child's sense of self and cultivating a positive internal dialogue. Our kids often feel like they're swimming upstream in life. They feel left out like the bad kid or stupid kid. So they're susceptible to chasing emotional highs that come from the new girlfriend, from acting silly in class or doing dangerous things in front of friends. They're susceptible of turning to drinking or drugs or porn or vaping as a release from their own anxiety and those negative feelings about themselves and their place in this world. So what would I do differently with younger kids and toddlers if I had to do it all over again? Because we get emails all the time of like, I've got a spicy three year old or five year old and they're constantly upset and thrashing about and I'm, encourage you whenever I get those emails, I'm not discouraging you, but I'm like, why are you getting so thrown off by a spicy three year old? Come on, stop being so unnerved by this. It's normal. Your attitude towards your toddler will impart one of two things deep inside them. You know, because here's what we often say, you never take no for an answer. You're always making messes. I'm frustrated by your constant tantrums. Why can't you just be calm and play nicely like other kids? I E, why can't you be someone other than your very nature and who you actually are for my own convenience? Because I have too many triggers and I kind of resent you for triggering me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way toward a young child. No blame, no guilt ever, but sometimes that's kind of what's going on. I'm going to repeat that because I think it's important and this could be toward a teenager, elementary school kid or a toddler. Why can't you just be calm and play nicely like other kids? Why can't you be someone other than your very nature and who you actually are for my own convenience? Because I still have too many triggers and I kind of resent you for triggering me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way toward my child. Why do you always have to get into things and want more? Why don't you ever sleep? Right? It is normal for you to feel this way as a grown up, as a parent. There's no blame or no guilt, but it's time to course correct here the attitude I want to impart to all kids beginning when they're young is, you know what's cool? Every day the world you experience is brand new to you. Your job is to explore and make messes and be curious. You should want everything you see and taste and touch. I love your passion and determination and persistence. Well actually I don't because it's exhausting, but say this anyway. Because it means you have goals and ambition and a zest for life, you get ideas of what you want to accomplish and you choose harder things because you think you're actually 34 when you're only four and so you naturally get frustrated and you're only a kid so you lash out because you haven't developed those skills yet and if I'm honest I'm still learning at age 44 so I'm in this with you walking beside you to show and teach you patiently. So by all means say no to things. Don't be afraid of the tantrums. Sit in the tantrum with no drama. Let your toddler know it simply won't work. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior, but spend even more energy saying yes to as many things as possible. Make things a challenge. Bring positive enthusiasm and intensity to situations. Match their energy and intensity in positive ways. Oh how do you think you could do this? I like that quality in you. Embrace who they are and this goes for intense, highly sensitive, strong will kids of all ages. So look I know this is getting a little bit long so I'll cut to the chase for your kids as they get a little bit older. Look kids in elementary school are supposed to be impulsive and get in trouble and make mistakes that's part of growing up rather than reacting to every incident and internalizing that they're bad kids who are helpless to change which is what many teens feel now. Let's focus this next two weeks on creating successes. Put your kids in a position to be successful, to complete missions they're good at and then put a lot more energy into affirming for good behavior than correcting for bad. So what are some missions and specific jobs to do that your child will succeed in doing? Oh man I could really use your help doing X. Hey Kendra I know this is a big challenge but do you think you could do that for me? I would give your kids challenges do treasure hunts say hey but you can't do X and then they have complete, they have them complete some missions even more grown up adult type missions because your kids are really good at that. Find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries whenever you say no to something inappropriate spend more energy saying yes to something appropriate and affirm give positive energy to the good choices do it in a purposeful way for the next two weeks catch your kids making good choices give lots of fist bumps hey well done I like how you handle that shows me you're growing up short and sweet and I would look for opportunities to get your kids good sensory pressure and exercise that means climbing crawling lifting pulling pushing things obviously they're appropriate lots of sensory pressure can be settling if you can make a little obstacle course in the backyard or basement things they have to go through that could be helpful and into your kids tend to be better at individual activities rather than team sports so things like martial arts rock climbing swimming gymnastics ballet and other individual activities also meet sensory needs so whether you have a toddler or teen or somewhere in between let's normalize what their life is supposed to look like we're grown adults we're still figuring life out that's what they are doing whether they are three or 13 or 23 focus more of your energy on creating successes and instilling resilience in your kids you know I love that phrase hey I believe you're capable I believe you're capable of handling this tough situation of handling that disappointment of doing that assignment even though it's hard that instills confidence and trust and moms and dads and grandparents I believe you are capable of making these mindset shifts in your own life with your kids moms and dads thanks for thank you for working so hard at this it's not easy you're breaking generational patterns you're creating a new family tree but I would listen again to this to some of those those scripts to use with your kids how you make this shift from the negative to man I love these qualities in you it's going to serve you well in life okay if you do nothing else do that this week watch how your kids respond if we can help you anyway just let us know all right love you all bye bye
