Welcome to the Horizon 2.4: A Business Meeting

Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make. So please consider supporting us by subscribing on Supporting Cast, Patreon or Apple Podcasts for early access, ad free shows, exclusive content and our enduring gratitude. Just follow any of the links in the show notes for this episode. Starting a business can be overwhelming. You're juggling multiple roles, designer, marketer, logistics manager, all while bringing your vision to life. Shopify helps millions of business sell online. Build fast with templates and AI descriptions and photos, inventory and shipping. Sign up for your one euro per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.nl. That's Shopify.nl. It's time to see what you can accomplish with Shopify by your side. Thank you. Hey, thanks fellas. Woo, alright. Pretty fancy. Hey there, little guy. What's your name? Sorry. Just trying to say hello. Oh, hey there. Good evening. Please enjoy your beverage. All right. Well, thank you very much. Let me know if you need anything else. I will. I will. Not bad. good evening i hope you haven't been waiting too long um no no i um i just walked in i don't get here to raxias very often so when i do i have all sorts of messes to clear up when i arrive i'm sure you understand uh of course i've seen you've gotten a drink wonderful yeah pretty cool robot yes you know my employer and i we go back and forth on this he prefers to work with organic assets, but I found robots to be much more reliable. Limited in scope, sure, but much less room for error. Do you ever use them? Me? No, no, no. It's the upkeep for me, right? Oh, I hear you, right? The maintenance costs are considerable. Steve, is it? That's me. I'm glad we're meeting. I must say, I really enjoy what you've put together up in the mountains. It's exactly what Raxius needs. I'm kicking myself that I didn't think of it. A mountain getaway, of course, and making it immersive in the Earth experience. Really, that's a stroke of genius. oh thank you so i don't know how keyed into things you are up in the mountains but raxius is due for some reorganization these days it's such a mess i really wanted to put together some meetings with local entrepreneurs not just anyone the ones who are doing it right i want to meet with the people and find a way forward for this whole city really for the whole quadrant. Will you understand? Yeah, I'll admit it's pretty crazy around here. Too crazy. It wasn't always this way. The city was at its strongest when it was controlled by a single entity. These days, all these gang factions, can you even keep track of them? I'm very confused by it. I've got a map up here I'm working on, but then the territory changes every day. I don't know how people do business in this chaos. Look, I've got Postmaster General Quan up north controlling the ports. Byro the motherfucking dragon controlling the chemical pits. Just the other day a new one popped up controlling the flop dens. Ghostblade Hydealon? Seriously, where do they get these names? Then in the middle of all that, the worst of them all, Felicia. Added that about a hundred minor players. How am I supposed to do business? It is a miracle you can get anything done. It really is. Anyway, I could go on all day, but that's not what I want this meeting to be about. I hope you have some spare time this evening. I'd love for us to meet some people, make a few stops. Yeah, sounds great. Wonderful. These are my associates, Slugger and Francis. How you doing? Hey, how y'all doing? Boys, Steve and myself are going to be taking some meetings across the city today. Let's make the arrangements. No problem, boss. Oh, my God, you have to forgive me. I've been so excited about this meeting that I didn't even introduce myself. Yeah, don't worry about it. My name's Menski. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Wow. Yeah? That was intense. Uh-huh. I can't believe Darth Vader was his father. Yeah. Yeah, it's surprising. And there's so much going on in this story emotionally. So much. And oh my God, Yoda? Yoda. An amazing character. Yeah, yeah, I figured you'd like him. Oh my God. What? Luke lost his arm. I mean... Just like Leif did. But he lost his hand. Still. There's a big difference between an arm and a hand. And it was replaced by a mechanical thing. Okay. Wow. Maybe we don't have to read that much into it. I don't know, Frank. There are a lot of parallels. Oh, Trinket, the wheels are going to come right off this wagon as soon as you meet the Ewoks. Who are the Ewoks? Oh, you'll see. Is there any tea left? Yeah, sure. I don't know, but the tea tastes better. Good. What did you put in it? Oh, nothing. You're just getting used to it. that this place is going to be different. The planet we're on? Yes. We've stopped at two places thus far. This is our third, but this place will be different from the others, I think. Yeah, well, Steve has turned us into an alien theme park, so it's definitely going to be different. Our last two stops were just preambles. It's like we needed time to get used to everything. And now that we are, there's a whole lot going on out there. I think we're on a mission, Frank. I really do. We're pretty new at this, but we've stepped into something very, very old. We're going to need to be ready. Ready how? I don't know. Yeah, I know how frustrating that is. It's pretty frustrating. We need to be ready. That's how I feel. Trinket, I don't want to get ready for anything. I know. What? What? You never drink the tea. No. Why? Well, I really shouldn't. God damn it. What? God damn it. Drink it. What? What? What? is in the tea, drink it. Mandrake. Mm-hmm. What is that? Well, first of all, before we get into this, I started offering you tea, which is a ridiculous thing to offer you, and you started drinking it without much protest, and I think that's a real victory. Mm. Trink it? I've got a lot of stuff in here, as you can see. You know, lots of jars and bottles. Lots of lotions and potions. Oh, lotions. And? And in that teacup, that's my atom bomb. There is nothing more powerful than Mandrake. it's basically poison poison yeah i have to handle it with gloves i mean it's intense so i i've been i've been how long have i been drinking this for a while it's poison well for people sure what is it doing to me. I mean, you look forward to drinking it, right? You complain about it, but you stop drinking coffee in the morning, and now you drink this. You come by every morning. Okay, okay. Then I'm going back to coffee now. You know, in the morning, I get up and I say, as the earth holds me, as the sky sees me, as the sun rises within me, I step out and greet the day. Well, the earth isn't here anymore. Okay. The sky, the sky is a different sky and that's not the sun that any of us grew up with. So, so how do I get my bearings? Do you, do you, do you know how much of the stuff I do revolves around the moon? Well, the moon's gone. But I gave you Mandrake root tea, and you really loved it. Yeah, I don't see what that proves. Okay, Mandrake is connected to the oldest parts of the universe, all the way back to the beginning. I don't know what you are, Frank, but turns out you're connected to that as well. You're of the same stuff, you and that poisonous root. And so, of course, you like it. I was worried that I was going to lose my bearing so far away from my centers of power. But right when I get too worried, the Eldritch forces give me a little ass pat and say you're doing a great job, kiddo. Eldritch forces. Right. I have now officially spent too much time with you. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. I've been drinking poison. Again, poison for someone else, not you. I really need less of our conversations to go this way. I know. And I need you to tell me next time you're feeding me poison. I will. Okay. So let's operate in a way that sounds less like an Enya song. Okay. Frank, do you remember when we had a whole conversation about a comet heading for the earth and you thought I was crazy? Yes. Okay. I want you to know that I really apologize for us being in a place where I'm right all the time. That has yet to be established. Something is coming, and we need to be ready. And one of the things I've been doing to get us ready is make you the tea. The poisonous tea. Frank, everything's poisonous to somebody. This isn't poison for you. I hate this so much, Trinket. I know. I want to read the paper in the morning and do whatever needs doing all day. Then, then watch the trailblazers make some stupid mistakes, have a beer, and go to sleep. Well, the only thing missing from that list is the trailblazers, Frank. And sleep, because you don't do that anymore. I want to live on a quiet mountain. Well, it's quiet sometimes. Where there's not freaking spaceships flying overhead. I am not in charge of the universe, Frank. Stop giving me poisonous tea. Fine. Fine. Leif and Verge are waiting for you over at the sheep's eye. Oh, and stop doing that. Stop doing that thing. Stop telling me things that are happening. But you're always asking me about what's happening. No, I want you to stop now. Fine. Fine. I have to go. Frank. Woo! Sweet ride! It'll do. I have a much better hover lounge in my ship, but I don't like to bring it down here. There's a certain grime that this city puts on things. I don't like to sully my finer things when I come here. Oh! Hey, what was that? Don't worry about it. So, I feel like you haven't seen a lot of the city with you being all the way out in the mountains. There's some people I'd love for you to meet. Yeah, sounds great. I find that the people here in Raxias are very resistant to new ideas. Has that been your experience? Oh, constantly. How many people told you you were crazy for setting up Earthland? You know, they're always calling me crazy. But, hey, look at me. I'm here in this fine vehicle with you. How crazy am I now? I like that attitude. You can't pay attention to naysayers. Exactly. You know what? I'm going to take a few business meetings while we're out. I'd love for you to sit in. I'd really appreciate your perspective. Hey, I'd love to help out however I can. Lovely. Sluggo, let's swing by Land of Felines. You got it, boss. Let's have some drinks, shall we? I thought you'd never ask. So that entire time you told no one about your history as a criminal? Not the whole time. It was easy at first. At first it was just me and this guy Casper. Casper didn't ask a lot of questions. And then Ava came along and she asked a lot of questions. But luckily she ignores you if she thinks you're an idiot. Maybe the Mucklewains knew. But they never said anything. And then there was Gloria. And that's when things started to change. Change how? I don't know. It was... Nice. It started to feel like home, kind of. Then an older version of me showed up and tried to get me to leave. and then an even older version of me showed up and Ava started asking questions. Even then I didn't tell her the whole story. Then we encountered this wreck of an old Sigean ship and I had to sit there and act like I didn't know what Sigeus was. So I was working my way up to telling them everything but then we were raided by the Teds and I had to threaten them with a purple nullifier. At that point everybody started to get pretty suspicious. What was the ship? The ship? I don't know. I barely recognized it. It was really old, pre-Warpgate. If the ship's AI hadn't said it was from Sigius, I probably wouldn't have known. The AI survived? Yeah. Some sort of system called a Bufar system. A Bufar system? Yeah. What? You don't remember the name of the ship? No, what? I need you to tell me literally anything else you can remember. about this shit. Why? It indulged me. Uh, it was a deep space exploration mission? Uh, the captain's name was, like, Charon Gonger? Charon Younger. Maybe? Are you fucking kidding me? What? Are you fucking kidding me? What? It was the Wreck of the Vargan, Lee. That sounds familiar. Familiar! Why are you freaking out right now? Maybe because the Wreck of the Vargan would be the most important historical artifact in the history of Thegeus. Okay. How was I supposed to know that? Because Bert Bert explained it to you. How do you know Bert Bert explained it to me? What the fuck do you think she was talking into when she explained it to you? Bargain day. Life. Three intrepid souls many, many years ago. Theron Yonger, Eliak Sears, and Lohan Regan. Remember those names? At the dawning of the original coalition, they left the planet on a ship called the Bargain. It was the first mission of its kind, an open-ended one. They were to set out into the Andromeda and send back data on the wider universe and keep doing so until they exhausted all their resources. They never returned. Oh, right. Right. Please tell me you saved something, anything. The Bufar unit was really damaged, but we did save it. Good. And then I used it to make an EVA suit. A what? It was an emergency. You are so lucky that I don't have articulating arms right now. Hey, in my defense, she was always leaving me messages like that. I was basically her diary. I'm supposed to remember all of them? No, just that one. Sorry to disappoint. Hello, what are we yelling about? Uh, hey, listen. We're actually waiting for someone. Really? It's me, dummy. What? Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, shit. This is my Earth suit. What do you think? You look great. Very European. I get that a lot. What's going on in Europe? Are people looking stylish and sexy all the time? In our minds? Yes. Hello? Good evening, Frank. It's been an annoying night. Can we get this over with, please? Wow, nice to see you too, buddy. Crash in the party! Man, it's getting worse. What are we talking about? Leif's evil twin. His what? He's not an evil twin. His what? June, there is an evil version of Leif out there. Are all of you shitting me? No. Evil twins now? He's not a twin. Have I died and gone to sci-fi heaven? What is happening? He's me in an alternate universe. Really? Yes. Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all know what my next question is going to be. No, he doesn't have a goatee. Are you sure? Have you seen him? No. There could be a goatee. You don't know. Okay. I guess there could be. What the fuck is she talking about? It's an earth thing. It's an earth thing for evil people to have goatees? No, it's... No! No! Don't explain it. You'll ruin it. I'll give literally anything to have the conversation move forward. Oh, second it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. So awesome! Okay, look. In this universe, I'm a very bad guy. And we did come very close to letting him know that I'm here. But Eldon and I covered our tracks pretty well. Great. But even if he didn't, we're still pretty safe from evil life. We need a better name for him. No, we don't. So why don't I feel safer? It's kind of a contradiction. Anti-Leaf! Stop it. We're in the Iron Quadrant right now, which is dangerous. But it is safe from the rest of the triad. How? There's only one warp gate going in and out of the Iron Quadrant. What's Leaf backward? If this other Leif came through the warp gate and the Ted Empire found out, they'd park their entire navy on the other side of the warp gate and wait. Teal! No. Now, that doesn't protect us completely. It does not. Nega Leaf. Jim. He could send proxies. Proxies? There's a rogues gallery of shitheads he could send after me, depending on what approach he wants to take. But that'll only happen if he finds out that there's a new life in town. And again, we've covered our tracks pretty well. Wait! Everyone, be here with me. Dark Leaf. Congratulations, you found it. Okay, okay. So, you're telling me that everything's going to be fine? That's what we're telling you. Good. Good. Good, good, good. Good. This is exactly what I want. I want people telling me that everything is fine and that I don't have to do anything. More news like this. Please. Okay, well, um, sure. We're done with that, I guess. Permission to go flirt with my girlfriend? Granted. Permission to call Frank a 77-year-old man since he turned 25? Denied. I'm done, too? I'm afraid not, Leif. There's something else you should be made aware of. Okay. Come over here. Before we left our origin universe, we were alerted to something very strange. It's here. That painting? This is a painting of Macon Peppercorns, the founder of Hood's Pocket. Macon what? I know. It's ridiculous. The point isn't the painting, though. It's what's behind it. Frank, would you mind removing the painting? A hole? Through the hole, Leith. What is it? The one building that has been here since the town's foundation is this one, the Sheep's Eye. It appears that this entire building was built around a pre-existing metal frame. Wait a minute. Yes, it's what you think it is. That's Arvium. It is. This entire building is built around an Arvium frame? It is. It's why we were able to survive a meteor swarm. What the fuck? Okay, and if you could just explain the significance of this stuff again. RVM is the strongest stuff out there. But it's almost impossible to manipulate. Almost. Yeah. I know somebody who can, though. As do I. Fucking Ertz! Exactly. If you look at the scan of the whole frame on my screen, you can see it has many of the hallmarks of Ertz craftsmanship. What the hell are they doing here? No idea. There's an Urt door at the diner. There is? Yeah, it's in the deep freeze. In your deep freeze, there's an Urt door. The deep freeze is a dimensional portal to an ice planet, and there's an Urt door there. The what is a what to a what? I know. What's the relationship between these things and the Urts? No idea. Well, they couldn't have constructed them. No, I don't think so. Okay, okay, let's move this over to Trinket's. Good idea. What does she have to do with this? Before we started traveling, Trinket had some very vivid visions of the history of this place. I discounted them at first, but considering whatever is going on inside of her body, perhaps they wore us another look. Okay. So I go talk to Trinket now? Correct. That's what I'm doing today. Yes. What? Nothing. This job is way more chill than my other job. Enjoy. Frank, are you coming? Oh, no. God, no. I've had plenty of Trinket for one night. Thanks. Deidre will come with you. She's well-versed in the history of this place. She may be of some help. Okay. Frank, what's going on with you at Trinket? Uh, well, she's been poisoning me. I don't think it's possible to poison you. That hasn't stopped her from trying. Whatever. This will give us the opportunity to address something else. What? It's about Celeste. Ugh. Great. What now? Hey, Deidre. Hey. I hear we're supposed to have a playdate at Trinket's? Yeah, I guess so. Let me get my notebook. Okay. notebook? She's got this little notebook where she writes down interesting things about history. Well, that's pretty adorable. Turns out it's, like, the hottest fucking thing in the world, but don't tell her I said that. You know, you being in love is really ruining your mysterious drifter aesthetic. I know. I'm gonna have to figure out a whole new persona. Okay, let's go. Talk about me the whole time, please. Whatever you say, sweetie. Hey, space friend. Did you hear? We're on a special assignment. Oh, do tell. We're going over to Celeste's house. Okay, why? Eldon won't tell us until we get there. Something about privacy or whatever. He so old Right I getting us to go Cups Sluggo, pull up to the next corner and wait. Sure thing, boss. This meeting is going to be a pickup. I need to get a bit of intelligence before the next meeting. This is going to be the real dirt fairy. They're an information peddler. best in the city. Try not to let the smell throw you. The smell? They use the sewage tunnels under the city to get into a lot of restricted places, so there's a bit of a smell. It doesn't bother me much. Reminds me of home, right? Oh yeah, yeah. Like I grew up down one from a paper mill, so I know all about it. Great. Just go with the flow. Minsky? How are things in the city? Word's gotten out that you're in town. That's understandable. The locals aren't too happy about it. That's also understandable. Every time you're in town, everyone speculates that your boss is making a move in the Iron Quadrant. Why would we want to do that? We have so many relationships here. There's no need to put those at risk. You know that part. You say that every time you come here. They worry about your employer. I've assured my employer that the best way forward in Raxias is to have a mutually beneficial relationship with all parties. Seizing a controlling stake in Raxias would cause a lot of chaos, and isn't there enough chaos out here already? Is that really true? Of course not. But that's the rumor I need you to circulate. All right. I can do that. You guys want to give me a heads up before you start burning the city to the ground? Let's hope it doesn't come to that. I think the local bosses here in Raxias will come to their senses. Nobody wants a mess. Excuse me. Mind if I jump in here? Not at all. Dirt Fairy. This is my associate, Steve. He's got a very exciting startup just outside of the city. I've asked him to sit in on this meeting. Nice to meet you. First off, let me say, the smell hardly bothers me at all. Gee, thanks. And if it were me, I'd think about circulating the rumor that everything's going to be fine. And then also circulate the rumor that everything's about to go to hell in a handbasket. Really? Why is that? creates some confusion out there. You know, some anxiety. If people don't know how to feel about what's coming, then they'll have a harder time preparing for it. I like it. Dirt Fairy, put both out there. Tell half the people we're not interested in Raxias, then tell the other half that we have every intention of taking over the whole city. That ought to keep him guessing. Okay, if you say so. Slugum, pull off here. You got it, boss. If you don't mind me asking... Please. Your boss controls everything else in the triad, that's three galaxies all to himself. What could he get out of controlling the Iron Quadrant? Yes. It's pretty fascinating. There's a particular psychology in powerful people, isn't there? If you have almost everything, that one thing you can't have becomes an obsession. Even if it's something you don't need. Sounds pretty fucked up to me. I think I'll stick to the sewers. To each their own. All right. Now we're ready for a business meeting. Today's episode is brought to you by Nothing Much Happens. Do you ever find yourself lying in bed with your thoughts racing and your brain just won't turn off? That's exactly what Catherine Nikolai helps with on her podcast, Nothing Much Happens. Each episode is a cozy, calming bedtime story with nothing stressful, nothing dramatic, and nothing you need to keep track of. It's just soft narration, gentle repetition, and soothing sensory details designed to help you drift off. Millions of people around the world use Nothing Much Happens to quiet their minds, rest their nervous systems, and finally get the sleep they need. So, if you're ready to wind down, relax, and let your nervous system say thank you, give it a listen. You can listen to Nothing Much Happens wherever you get your podcasts. Episodes every Monday and Thursday. What are we doing? Yeah, she's been doing this lately. She goes into this trance, I guess, where things start talking to her. What things are talking to her? I don't know. Like, household objects are talking to her? I don't think so. Well, good, because that would be weird. Right? Hey, guys. Welcome back. Leif, I'm glad you're here. Okay. I want you to know I've been watching Star Wars. Great. So many things going on, but we can talk about it later. Okay. It's time for us to talk about the mountain. Yeah, we just showed Leif the big metal thing that the sheep's eye is built on top of. Great. So what did you think? I think it's insane. I have no idea what's going on. That's great. I love that. We figured it was time to talk about that vision you had of the mountain. Right. Okay. Leif, what do you know about ancient China? Uh, nothing. Okay. Okay. So, so we discovered the stone tablet in the Glade of Wishes, and it had Chinese characters on it. Weird. According to Eldon, they're ancient Chinese. A few thousand years ago. Weirder. I've got the translated message here. I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again. The mountain will be lost again. Forever. What does that sound like to you? That sounds like a guy who's trapped on a traveling mountain. Apparently, it was from a guy named Chufu. Chufu is one of those guys who's a combination of history and myth. Apparently, the emperor of China sent him on a quest to find the secret to immortality that was hidden. On a mystical mountain. Tell him the thing about the turtle monster. What? Right. So apparently Chifu set off on his quest, but then he came back and said to the emperor that he needed archers. Because there was this big turtle sea monster walking his way, and he had to kill it first. And the emperor was like, sure, checks out. Must be nice to be the emperor. But what does that have to do with anything? Well, my first vision was of Chinese soldiers. And Eldon said they were from the 2nd century BCE. Which is apparently when Shufu was alive. Interesting. Oh, oh, come next door. What? So, Doug is a bird guy. That's not surprising. Oh, he's got a little journal and everything. Hey, Doug. Hey, guys. Doug, tell Leif about the bird. Yes. Which bird? You were up on the mountain and you kept hearing a bird. Oh, oh, yeah. Okay, okay. Um, I have been here most of my life and I know what the birds are supposed to sound like. But I kept hearing one in particular that I couldn't place. And it was every once in a while, not like all the time. I wrote it off as, you know, my imagination for a while. But one day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I really dove into some research. Now, I still haven't seen one, but the only match I could make to the sound was a wall creeper. Cool. And that means... They're not from Oregon. But guess where they're from? China? Yes! Weird, right? Well, we're on a mountain that travels through the cosmos, so it's not at the top of the list, but... But it's interesting. Sure. Okay, that's all. Thanks, Doug. Oh, okay. Bye. Good job with the bird thing. Oh, thanks. So in my vision, these Chinese soldiers were here in Hood's pocket. But there wasn't a town here. Just the big metal thing that turned into the sheep's eye. Historians think that the mountain that Chufu was looking for was probably Mount Fuji. But according to your vision, Chufu wound up here. Right. And then I had another vision. Of my great-great-great-grandfather, Megan Peppercorns. The guy in the painting. Right. He was also making his way through the woods, and he also saw the big metal thing. Okay. So when did the big metal thing become the sheep's eye? Well, my grandpa told me that Macon built the sheep's eye, but he also used to say something weird. Apparently, he used to say, I didn't found Hood's pocket. I found it. This is wild. Right. Okay, so according to your visions, whatever the sheep's eye is has been here for a long time. Yes, but you're saying you know who built it. You do? I think I do. The Ertz. Cool. What's their deal? The Ertz? Ertz is a planet here in Andromeda. They're amazing with technology. They're innovations. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, what's their deal? Uh, how do you mean? So, I'm trying to get down to the essence. Like, what's their energy like? Their energy? Forget the technology stuff. Tell me something else about them. Okay. Well, there's this one thing, but I'm not great with biology. Eldon? What? What's that thing with the Ertz? How they're different from other life forms in the triad? The Ertz are a slightly anomalous race in the triad. Why? Despite their diversity, organisms native to the triad all pass genetic information via DNA or RNA, like Earthlings. The exception to this is Ert, whose indigenous races use peptide nucleic acid, PNA. It is a small change, but it is odd that this evolution only occurred on one planet in three galaxies. Even more curious, the flora and fauna on the planet of Ert also employ DNA and RNA, making the Erts different even from their own native plants and animals. There doesn't appear to be any predominant theory for why this occurred. They don't know where they came from. Are we saying that these Urt guys built all of this? No. No, I don't think so. That metal structure is built like a bivouac. It's a shelter. If they built this place, why would they then put a shelter on it? It's inelegant. And the Urts don't do inelegant. What makes this more interesting is that there's also an urt construct from where I'm from on the diner. So they've been there too? I guess so. Hmm. What? What's this all about, Wave? Trinket, I swear to God, I've been asking myself that question for years. No, I mean, what's all of it about? Where... where are we going to? What's the big question? What are we working toward? I don't know how to answer that. At first, I was just happy to not be on the run anymore. Then came the Teds, then Clementine, now Croc. I've just been trying to stay alive and keep everyone else alive. I haven't had time for big questions. I hear you, I hear you, but... Okay, I want you to think about something. I want you to think about the very core of all things. Think about everything before there was everything. Somewhere from deep in the heart of the spirit of the universe, a message is always being sent. We never listen because we're too busy staying alive. But what is that message? What is it saying to us? I don't know. I don't know either. Should we smoke some weed? What? Yes, yes, yes. I think that's a good idea. This way. Uh, this is where the business meeting is happening? Sometimes I like to have my meetings in the open air, a busy casino, a cafe, something like that. But then, sometimes it's important to keep prying eyes out of the equation. You need that extra level of honesty. You understand. Sure, yeah, sure. Sluggo, go ahead and bring him in. Sure thing, boss. What the hell? Steve, I'd like to introduce you to Captain Ducky. Just Ducky to his friends. This is who we're meeting with today. Hello there, Captain. I apologize for the less than palatable surroundings. It's awful down here, isn't it? But I thought it was important that we meet somewhere we couldn't be disturbed. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I brought you down here so that no one would hear you screaming. That is, of course, 100% true. But it wasn't just for that. There's a certain sanctity to a one-on-one meeting, Captain. It lets people know how important they are to you. And you, Captain, are very important to me. Now, you've already met Sluggo. He's the one who knocked you unconscious and tied you to a chair. You've already met my associate, Steve. Now I want you to meet someone else. Say hello, Francis. Pleased to meet you, Captain Ducky. You may be wondering what Francis' purpose is. He doesn't look like a thugbot, does he? What's interesting, he's not. When I first saw Francis, he was a kitchen bot slaving away in a casino kitchen, chopping vegetables with all those lovely knives he has all over his hands. But I saw something in Francis that others couldn't see. He had so much potential. Long story short, I now can't go anywhere without him. Isn't that right, Francis? It's been a wild ride, boss. Turns out a bot with spinning blades for hands really adds the level of intensity you're looking for in a high-level meeting. So, what I want you to do is keep your eyes on Francis and all those incredibly sharp knives. And answer for me one very simple question. Have you, Captain Ducky, been trying to unite the gang factions of Raxias under one banner? You've got a secret code name for this little group, don't you? Some sort of Earth reference to throw people off the trail? Sluggo, what was it again? Sanctuary Moons, number two fans. Right, whatever the hell that means. How about it, Captain? Are you trying to consolidate power so that you can challenge my employer in the open market? I'm sorry, I can't quite understand what you're saying. Can you speak a little clearer? I'm sorry, one more time. I'm still not getting it. Sluggo, anything? Can't understand a word, boss. That's a shame. I was really hoping we were going to be able to make some headway in this meeting, but you can't let these things slow you down, can you, Steve? I... New projects. They so often get mired down with too many cooks in the kitchen. Isn't that right? Well, let's move on to new business. Francis. Thank you. A-7. Once again, you have sunk my battleship. Really? I had no idea you were so adept at maritime warfare. I have many skills, Lab. As I am learning. More wine. Please. This has... This has been really nice. Agreed. I've been surprised by your willingness to engage in intimate acts with me. I... have too. Because of the spikes protruding from my body. Yes. There are many of them. Hmm... I noticed. The ones on my shoulders are poisonous. I'm sorry? Fear not. I always travel with antidote. Good! May we have more wine while you once again teach me your salsa dancing? Mm-hmm. I'd love to. Uh. Are you expecting visitors? No. Shall I charge my weapon? No. It is very deadly. Oh, just give me one second, okay? June! You're fucking an alien! Oh, God. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. The last! Open the door, you dirty bird! Do we have company? Uh, kind of. I had no idea our relationship had gotten to that level. It's not like that. I am not complaining. I might be. Slabs McTerps enjoys going public with his fornication partners. Slabs, give me just one second, okay? Good evening. Oh, hi. Can I help you? Celeste, what in the fucking fuck is going on? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Who's in there? That's private. That's an invasion of my privacy. That's an invasion of my privacy. It said the woman who was eavesdropping on the whole town for years from a secret military base. That's not the same thing. Sergeant, we have no desire to invade your privacy, but when I compiled some information and realized who exactly you were secretly spending time with, I made a judgment call to check in. Oh, well, now we have to know who's in there. It's... His name is Slabs McTerps. Oh, no fucking way. The spiky guy? Amazing. Huge spikes all over his body. Slabs McTerps is a rather dangerous mercenary, Sergeant. I wanted to be sure you were all right. He's a dangerous mercenary. Now, he is the leader of a dangerous mercenary army. I feel that's an important distinction. No, it's not. He has quite a reputation. Are you sure this is the best course of action? Okay. Is he famous for being a mass murderer? Yes. Should he also be famous for being a great listener? Also. Okay. Look, we're not here to be the nookie police, Celeste, but good God, how does that even work sexually? He's got spikes all over his body. They're not all over his body. Sweet Jesus woman! Love finds a way, I guess. Sergeant, this is certainly an invasive move on our part, but I'm sure you understand the concern. I do, and look. Do I feel uncomfortable about it? Yes. Does he carry around a huge cannon that he calls Disco Inferno? Also, yes. Can this cannon level an entire building? apparently, but he's a really sweet guy, you guys. I'm going to go talk to him. Virg, please don't. Don't worry about it. I'll deactivate my Earth suit and we'll talk alien to alien. It'll be fine. I'll make sure you're not in any danger, okay? Virg! Bye. Hello? Who might you be? Hmm. Well, cover me in sulfur mollusks. Verge. How have you been, Slabsy? Death has yet to find me. Same here. I have heard tales that you'd fallen into a quasar. Only emotionally. This pleases me. My men still tell the tale of how you navigated the red storms to deliver sustenance in our time of need. Every good mercenary needs a good smuggler. And I found no replacement since your absence. No, technically, I'm still absent. I'm out of the game now. Out of the game? And yet here, on Rax Prime? Oh, it can't be helped. There's a girl. Ah. An excellent reason to tempt the fates. Sure. Hey, speaking of fates, though, I came back from nowhere to find I've got a pretty hefty bounty on my head. Whatever did I do? Much has changed in the triad. Loaf Trax was powerful, but undisciplined. This new regime brings with it a steely resolve and a strange obsession. The bounty placed on you is not simply hefty, as you say. It is the largest bounty ever placed. Ugh. Someone wants me dead that bad. I call it an obsession. An obsession because of the bounty's conditions. You must be taken alive, or not at all. And if anyone in the Triad were to take your life, the bounty then moves to their head. Oh, well, it's always nice to be wanted. Again, an obsession. You're not thinking of getting into the bounty hunting game, are you, Slabs? Bounty hunting is the gruel of cowards. my enemy is on the battlefield or not at all. I figured. But please keep it under your hat that you ran into me, okay? Of course. And may I say between the two of us Earthlings. Right? I am astounded. Tell me about it. I am ruined for other races. I can't explain it. My body burns to the tips of my spikes. Yeah, yeah. I am ruined. You are a rare commodity in the world, Verge. Guard yourself thusly. Hmm. Keep your head on a swivel, Slabsy. I really do hate when it has to get messy like that. Such a waste, this city. So many squandered opportunities. They'll have to come around eventually. It can't be this way forever. It strikes a particular chord with me being here. Reminds me of home. I came from a place even worse than this. A place that is truly a mistake. Begging for a meteor strike by home planet. I had to claw my way out of it. But everything is a lesson. The lesson I learned on my home planet was that chaos breeds chaos. It spins outward. The world must be reined in, or all that's left is blood and fear. We'll get there someday, right? Yeah. Yeah. Sure. So now that we've taken care of business, we can get to the fun part. The future. The future? That's right. Unbeknownst to the powers that be here on Rex Prime, I've been working on a little pet project of my own. A whole new business model Something that going to open up a whole new revenue stream for my employer Been working on it for years and I am very excited to show it to you We're here, boss. Excellent. Let's have a look. Right this way, Steve. The eternal question is, what's the next resource? Everything burns out eventually. You smuggle technology, but technology becomes outdated. You deliver the intoxicant du jour, then along comes the next designer drug. My employer and I have been working on developing the next great resource in the triad, and, well, I think we found it. Let's have a look, shall we? Oh, uh, evening, Frank. Hey, Doug. Um, what can I do for you? I am going to have some coffee. Oh. Oh, I thought you were off coffee. Nope. I'm coming back. I miss coffee. It's normal. It's predictable. Not secretly poisoned. So, don't even know why I left. Oh. Well, welcome back. What are you reading? Oh, Eldon sent me some reading material on the Ashley Soros. oh that's the big lizard thing in your backyard well no I think I think it's more like a salamander anything interesting oh I mean well it's a big alien salamander so you know there's some interesting things in here it has a gland in its nose that can detect the oh The gravitational pull of surrounding moons. Why would something need to do that? Well, navigation, I guess. Oh, also, it's a species that underwent secondary adaptation. So over the course of millions of years, it learned how to live on land. And then, after all of that, it readapted for aquatic life. So, you know, I guess, huh, life on the land wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Interesting. Yep. Um, are you okay, Frank? Well, Doug, I came in here for something normal. and we're talking about giant space salamanders. Oh, I'm sorry. We're the same way, you know? What do you mean? Well, I mean, I graduated from high school, and I went through all the trouble of, you know, joining the Navy, and then after I was done I wound up right back here and you did the same thing you went to Tacoma you got your carpenter's license you fixed up houses for a while and ended up right back here so I guess life on land wasn't all it cracked up to be yeah I liked it when it was predictable. I did, too. But there is a giant salamander in my backyard now, so, you know, may as well get to reading. Greetings! Hello! Hi! We have come for snacks. Mini donuts, please. Farkeep, please give me your finest tackies. Preferably limited edition blue heat. Oh, yeah, uh, aisle three. Fantastic. Frank, how are you doing? Uh, fine. I thought you guys were on a very important mission from Eldon... We're on a break. Coast to stone nets, motherfuckers. Hmm. Have you figured anything out? No. Wait! Yes! Trinket! What? I figured you out. You have? I think so. Lay it on me. Okay, this is going to sound weird, but I had this friend one time who was a tree. Leif, that doesn't sound weird at all. I have all sorts of friends who are trees. Right, but this one actually talked and walked around. Oh, yeah. Cool. And they said that when they stood on the ground, they could feel the mycelial network under the ground talking to them. Dude. Oh, my God. What in the fuck? What is a mycelial network? When you see a mushroom, that's just the tip of the iceberg. The big part of it is under the ground. Wait. I know this. The biggest mushroom network ever was back in Oregon. It had four square miles, and it may have been 8,000 years old. Also, who made the donuts harder to open? Like that, that's what I'm talking about. Okay. And what does that have to do with me? What is your body full of? Fucking mushrooms. Right. So, the mushrooms in the ground are talking to the mushrooms in my body, and my body mushrooms are talking to my brain? Maybe. Oh, my God. Drink it. What are they saying? I have no idea. This is what you've come up with. We have many things that we're working on. So many things. Iron's in the fire. I wrote them down in my book, which is somewhere. Okay. Hey. Great work, everyone. Amazing job. You all get the ribbons? Have a good night. Wait, Frank, Frank, wait. Frank, wait, wait. Frank. I'm waiting. Hold, please. I forgot what I was about to say. Oh, I'm on. Wait. Do you think that Tranket has ribbons because of her mushroom? It's so crazy that I can understand every word you're saying right now. Okay. I'm sorry. I totally wasn't poisoning you, but I'm sorry for poisoning you. It's fine. It was an experiment at first, but then you really started to like the tea. And so I kept making it. Trinket, people don't experiment on each other. I know. I know. You're right. My curiosity got the better of me, and I am very sorry. I am not a thing for you to play with. Frank, I know. I am really mortified. and now well I'm worried that you're not going to come over and watch movies with me because because it's important it's important to me well we we can't just stop at Empire Strikes Back. Right? I mean, you really have to watch all of them. Well, I want to. I mean, so that your enthusiasm for the first two can be entirely ruined. Well, I'm looking forward to it. Okay. Hey, Frank, Trinket told me you're watching Star Wars because of me, and I just want to make it known that I'm not a Star Wars guy, okay? I actually have legit issues with the whole franchise. If you want to hear my thoughts... No, no, thank you. Frank can hear your thoughts? Hey, baby. Virge, hi. What are you doing? We're at the Shop and Go. And it's very bright in here. Are you smoking the fun stuff, Pook? Uh, Trinket made me do it. I'm sure she did. I think it's so great that you have four arms because you're going to have to carry me home because the ground. I don't know, baby. The ground feels weird. Okay. And it's apparently talking to Trinket. Sweetheart, is there someone there who isn't high? Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep. Hi, hi, hi, Verge. Hello, Doug. Um, what's up? So, um, it's probably nothing, but there's a suspicious vehicle headed toward the town right now. Oh. Uh-oh. Probably nothing to worry about, but, um, do us a favor and make yourself scarce in there. Let's just see if it passes through, okay? Okay. Sorry, what is this now? It's probably nothing, Frank. Guys, guys, come, come, come, come get behind the counter with me, okay? Virg, what's the vehicle? It's a hover lounge. Okay. What is that? It's a limo, basically. Whoever it is, it's not your average bar patron. Remember when I said I just wanted to be a guy on a mountain complaining about sports? Yeah, I know, man. But honestly, cruising through the cosmos on a place like this? Good luck with that. Frank. What? Steve. Okay. See ya. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Steve. Steve. Steve, what's going on? Steve, try and slow down your breathing. You're going to pass out. Frank. Steve, breathe. Frank, there's... What? Slaves. Thousands of them. Welcome to the Horizon is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bert Bert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Ace Spades, Debbie Trencher, That One Dude Who Likes Tacos, Mark Fisher, The Male Escort, Lady Bethany, a.k.a. 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Bex823, Auntie Cryptid, Barry Heap, Gas Mask Penguin, In the Hot Seat, Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime, Master Oogway has ascended back to the spirit realm and welcomes anyone to join him in the search for inner peace. Barry, Dilly is dallying, podcast junkie wants Gloria's tamale recipe. Futile screaming at the ocean. Fox Hatlin, Dylan Caroni. Pedro Vibresto. Penny Sparkles, Slider, Dimitri, Maple Emily, the gayest library janitor in Indiana. The new kitten's name is Leif, and this time he's not a girl. Physic the Good Bush, definitely not one of the bad bushes funding rebel Bethanies to overthrow the duly elected Bethanies. Scout Mistress and her Phalanx of intergalactic Eagle Scouts. Hexadecimal Bethany is non-binary Vapis 10's Big Black Gaping Hole Goobrious, you know like Lugubrious but without the loo Bruce, my milkshake brings all the Bethanys to the diner Jessica Gigoma, Torical, Jenny the Bear A-grr, Bellringer, Sir Dean Thorne Treech, Josie Jones Mr. Fibble is very cross Haute Potato, Dr. Mojo postulates the end list endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Bert Bert's caboose until its end lists all the way down. Dave and Buster's Server manager ready to serve all the Bethany's a Monte Cristos. Blind time traveler convention date. L.A. woman the phoenix rising. New name? God? No, not him. Jeff Andrew? Sure, Jeff Andrew. Miss Luan, a British woman with cute dogs. Cup of Noodles. Schmizzy Two Shoes. Luna Nova. Nicholas Griffith. Matt Grigsby. Justin Smolin. Riku 31. Craig Dundee. The name's Knight with a K. Astral C. Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too. Guy with the Chops. Sam. Mitchell Yee. Bagel Knife. In Melda and Scott, Courtney Cochran, Lily Starling, Ryan K, Devin7777 has been my fave verbal stem for months. Nate, Forklift lifts forks for Cliff, Vince M, Chip, Radio Free Relia, Violin Loves MIDI, Brian Pasley, Subawasa, Grena, Piston Whip, Captain Ducky, Blitz Bell, Laser Saw of the Shreveport Laser Saws? Our overhead is way too high with all of these names. Please make sure to turn in all receipts. Love Josh from Accounting Satsuma Silliest Goose Dr Jones I Can Believe It Not Bethany Coach Shane of Toad Suck Central Go Cranes Cole Arthur Lego Croissant Cassade, Norwin Murgler, Chase and her army of turtles join the Bethany War. The Star Set Messengers want to know if you've written that four-page essay on why you don't think about bugs. Joe Cupup, We be chopping broccoli. Icy Fish, The Hacker Known as Ivy DeBurb, Edwin McDonald, A Feisty Ass Chickadee, Poultry Landmine, The Scrappy Poet, Jenny the Cryptid Paladin, Maverick Artist, Shit, It Was a Mimic, Basil and their Tea, Waiting to Gossip with David, Ainsley, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, Anknore, ATB, Kiwi Lovelybead, Zoe, Dr. Professor Reverend Bethany Wetheny Lethany Woofie McFluffenberger, MD, PhD, Esquire, and that's not pretentious at all, aham, is looking for a cure to the Bethany mutation that the Society of Bethany's began the war with so many years ago. Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett Henderson Twote, still trapped, but I've stopped asking why. The Freezer Is, I Am, We Chill, Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Scott A. Snellgrove, Give Peas a Chance, Samalama Ding Dong, Sarah, That's It, Just Sarah, Ricardo Galamba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices, LLC, Hashtag We Weefum of Gossamer, Deeringer, Penny the Wonder Dog and Bucky Von Buckbuck, Kintex Oridian, Cherry Applebee, Medium Rare Extra Toasted Bun, Topher Hart the Gay, Saucy Caesar, Belt, Aspen is a Verge fanboy, MickJ67, Ava's favorite My Little Pony pencil wants Joe to slap into a snim-jim. Is this thing recording? Mr. and Mrs. Drifter, representative of the Alaska Midnight Burger Tummy Time chapter. Sir Dredmore Spiba is wondering if Bethany likes night breakfast. Lord Entropy. Bok-bok, motherfucker. Everyone's favorite clown, Splotchy. Penstrike algorithm. Gabriel Strife would like to remind you that it's Gabriel, not Gabrielle, and would also listen to a six-hour shift notes. Alyssa's shiny pants. Gondor calls for aid. Muscles for tits. Arnold Rumspringa, The Demise of the Temple of Bethany's. Ellen Berglund says, Hi, Mom. Kitty McSkull, Raven Stromdance, hapless novelist passenger of the dimensionally impermanent and temporally incontinent bookshop cafe, The Wild-Eyed Prophet. Tessa Craig, Perfectly Personalized Disaster, Richard Schofeld, Jim Turner, Lux Luminos, Javi De Niro, Big Chunk, Gadeeds, Bingo Sticky Rice, Boom Boom's Wooden Leg, Will the Real Muad'Dib Please Stand Up, Kitty Cat and Lollipop Can't Get Enough of This, Jillian C. Benjamin, not Franklin. Tracy Baby. Leia. Is that the Chris Hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table? Bethany reading in a green field. I am the lizard frantically firing flechette guns. Bumble Fae. Mr. Epsilon. The Mothman. Long-haired Matt. DJ. Lenny Harris. Robert W. Brielzebub. Krezamira. Jessa Loren. Mayday Hoops. The Bean Wizard. Myth and Stitch Embroidery loves the Mucklewains. Lulu Louise. Dulio. The Brew Crew family. Bert Ruba, your most benevolent lord and master of the multiverse. Jeffrey George, exquisite whimsy. Ellie, don't tear off me, bro. Oopsie! Evelyn, the wizard mooses hold out their cat for you to pet. Grimlor, existential pancakes. Ginny Waboom, errant popsicle stick. M Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Jack Spider's mom. Bubble Butt Bethany has banana breath. Llama Fresh, Jer the benevolent destroyer. Valtiel Heller, Revan the red beard wizard. Bert Bert and the funky bunch. Karora the twelfth. Shh! Shh, just listen. Damien Fledderjohn, Zomcon, Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo, Welcome to the Kwan Pound. Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen. Mr. Muchacho Kaiserschnitzel is outside Sarah Murphy's house on Raxius recruiting for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club. The wolves in the deep freeze say, ah, woo! Julie Hammond, Sanctuary Moon's number two fans. Simpson, Jason, Alice Lewis, Simply Amy Sue. I pushed her because Joe said so. Even Older Liz, McBearcat, Grack Pinfeather, Sitican Druidic Scientist, Astro, Your Friendly Neighborhood Android, Moonlight Zombie Fox, Old Doc Racey, The Midnight Missionary, Out There Somewhere Looking For Ya, Rotten Ronnie Sleeps in Grandma Panties, Skwonky! Artist Dragonborn, Bigby Garage, Bill Zangana Lester, Joaquin Jimenez, Hello Big List, I'm Dad, now let Joe get some rest, it's time for bed. Muffins, Space Wives, Chad Hatter, Cosmic Tea Maker of the Triads, Captain Jack Harkness, Once Peter the Robot, Oreo, Oreo, no wait, Pineapple, actually never mind, Oreo, tell your cat I said, Banana Manaz, A Corgi Cold Kibble, Cuddly Kraken, Life's a Load Studio, and His Wife Mega Nator. Axel Light, Sarge the Bard, Somenity, Rielfan, LL Cool Mint Jams, Trevis Roberticus, The Other Original Caitlin, Ken Daddy, Celestiani, The Jaded Umbra Gets Slightly Less Jaded As Peace, Once Again, Returns to the Land, Leia Izadi, Millie Was Taken, Dead to Me 86, Dix, Hanus, B. Camp, Shenman Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran Wishes Everyone a Healthy New Year, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Long Lost, Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal, I Have Always Relied on the Kindness of Diners, The Hood's Pocket Electrician's Union Reminds You That We're Always Here to Check Your Shorts. Thank you for pressing too. Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian Request will be processing in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess, RIP Lance McClain, You Would Have Loved Midnight Burger, Adam Toklove, Dr. Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, Jekka, Eros Degad, The Size 2 Fish You've Been Looking For, Iokai, Borgia, Spiders Are Cuddly, The Main Immortal Thinks It Should Be Ken Daddios, Cheel, Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Poliwog, Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire, Finally Spots Red Nell as the carnage clears, Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII, Mr. Grin, Glenn Petrovsky. This moment of silence so Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler, audible breath. Elizabeth Hammond. Cheapcon. Yeah, you heard me. The real Cheapcon. Except no imitations. Steamvision. Conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train. Dave Harreld. Wisecube. Dirty Diaper Fussbutt and the Piggy Runt. Bromine. Pronounced bro. Mine. Main humdinga. Mother of Pearl. Fiona now owns Leaf's 18-inch Peter. Sealface. Rigor Mortis. Megan's Things. Things Megan makes. Coy Lane. Trebek's Reject Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains Igneous Burp Darth Ox This brief pause is brought to you by Michelle K.'s wish for Joe to catch his breath Aaron Arnold 50 Bananas a Week Mama Mander B. Ross and Sluntmaster J Alpaca Lips I'll take one butter and brie on rye, please Elliot Paints Undead Akira The Lord Reverend Ryan Thomas' Ten Tenebrous Tans Taffel Tippers treading treacherously tantamount to telling totalitarian trope termination tales The Lovely Lara Lovely Kith Gamgee, Sam Wise's flaming cousin. Dariel, Jeremy the Ruler, Goat Shee, Jacob Mitchell, Swooning for Verge, Zeke in the Box. Stevie Crowhill, How to Get Jack from John. Flesh Witch Loves Flesh Mech in Every Universe. Scrubs, Just Some Guy from Adelaide Named Ryan. Remy, The Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardo the Wizard. Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce, the German short hair pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says, Ha-woof, Whiskered. Annie Two Hands for the double high five. Marissa the Ghost, local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you. Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion, Winchester. Cheshire Corgi, Stray Cat, Ol' Kelsey No-Shoes, Zoldia, Dizzy Flame. We serve everyone eventually. Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, a.k.a. Br'er Rabbit, Pants Darts Champion, the constantly lost geographer, Timothy Aotis. Chance wants you to know he cares. Wolf Stark, Elliot, Hobbs Decoe, Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Movie the Golden Calf, Kirion, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, K-Narcotics, Solomon Price, A Daydream You Won't Escape, Angela Sanchez, Ava M, Bubba 485, a.k.a. Schemmelbach the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Sommelier, Stella Corvus, Jesus Garcia, JP the IT Guy, Candyman Fight, Sandwich, John Peters, you know, the farmer, Barkley on the Holodeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-049 Omagis Raven the Dreamer TK Turtle King Mike M Space-Based Lasers Captain B and Lady G with their swabs Marla Madam Lotus still especially loves Finley Mr. Steamwave My friend the rhino says be nice Hoop challenge Dream Founder I'm your Huckleberry Elizabeth T Ty-Ty the Wonder Hamster and her dear darling Duke Grandpa Gus Bombastical Chemlicker Coco Yumi is painting ponies Hug-a-Muffin Bigfoot of Doom D.L. Annie Atkins Crandyman the Pug Whisperer Garo Our Cat Said to Tell You Meow Ya Boy of Indeterminate Origin Benjamin Ortiz Mr. Frog President Pop Rock Quicksand Molly Lives on Mars Mr. Squizzle Sizzle Whizzle Fizzle The Horrendous Apologizes for Conspiring in the Bethany War Invites for Tea are being sent now Abanasso Trina Ward Spooky Spader Storytime William Kent Andy The McJimmy's from your local dimension. Xavier Killingsworth. Lane Kiffin is a hoe. Mimetic Hygienist. Rogue Art. Aaron Star Joshua Damien and Sentinel of the Star System. Claude DeClaws. Spunky Dan. Rachel Seymour. Chiss Alfridge, the bullheaded professor. Alexandre Larocque has brought Le Guillotine to assist the Bethanies in their survival war. Vive la revolution. Ed Boy. Ryan Finnelli. Jonathan Kaye. Pearl Null. Another Monster. Petabyte Avatar. Tugwin the Mighty. Project Octopus. Ken. Chibs 1012, Scotty Oates, Byrotron 95. Dan's granted clemency by his overlord parents. Dance, Brit. The Bracken System and its home world, Ren. Simply Tony. It will always be Finley's work hole to me. If you know, you know. Gabrielle Castellan. Whom, what, when, where, and why is what all Figronis say while listening to Midnight Burger. Nico DeGaio goes great on Midnight Burgers. A drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar. Sir Party Animal. Biro the motherfucking dragon is finally 21 and can now enjoy peppermint schnapps. Uloy Jackal. Ari, you sure Mike robbed the Nancy Sinatra? Court need to leave it alone if you want to live. Must be a witch. Cat with a K. My Figaroni has a first name. Stumpenstein L. Mustachio. Lucifer Hezekiel. La Chihuahua Brava. CC Carousel. Korth the Destroyer Honest Puck Casper's Mom's a MILF Scout and Fox Glove Says the Floor is Lava Red Nell Hiding in a Crowd of Bethany's To Avoid Capture By Wiley Wilbur Winkle Wright Wristwatch Wrangler Of West Worcestershire Kordomsky Craig Armstrong Plastic Fork Dulcet De Leche Studios Presents Under the Truskin Sun Get Out of My Booth Bug Propagator I Hardly Know Her Sad Angry Crab Man Chuck McFinley Effie and Zebulon's Trans Great Granddaughter Hazel Hayes Velocity Girl 42 Little Dragon and a Cauldron of Bats Ben Carlyle Flat Steve's Love for Grand Theft Anna Kearney Crashly Strange Lilia The Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse Starblaze Burnbright Imzukioki Spotted Rhino and Her Hand-Me-Down Frogs Red Mafia Panda Lonely Isle Kaidalo Headphones Hinkle Pikeman Stover Fondella Stover Pikeman Stover's Wife Cernoculus Skrizzles Thwap Giddy Giddy Giddy The Firekeeper The End Is Nigh Jeremiah the Cancelled Librarian Alex Spike and Faye Johnny Allen West and the boys from the Dwarf Speedy McSpeedy Eli Wolf Brandy Gunter Auntie Becky is owned by Five Rescue Cats Speckled Unicorn Jedi Rides Again with Nova the Space Pirate Tevin Longblade Shortsword Forget Normal Oh damn! CJ Johnson A Dragon Sitting on a Sword of Dice Wendell Whitaker Fikachu Smivy Glowbed Roulette Andrew Fuller Dane and Deb Ban Mi Hoong The Soup Witch Bender FTW Fetishini Alfredo Cowboy and Sasquatch Hans Bethany's, Amalgamous Pax, Pebbles, VV, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip Your Dad Is Not Your Dad, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plumber, His Royal Highness Mr. Hamilton Underfoot Kitty I, and Accomplice Princess Penelope the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery, Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, India Inkblot, Slev of Bahamut, Omi Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Cat Holtz, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Lavinia Ava Maddox Jr. Liza Wirth Cass Williams Christy Yeet Ma Boy 46 Tool Shed 2 and L. Marie Catastrophe The Image Collector Blended Music Definitely Not Kevin Sitting Squirrel Patricia E. Melt Missed Everyone A Round of Yorgs on the House Red the Gray The Silver Crow Couch Potato Alex Neverchild Dr. Nossos Interdimensional Biologist Kiboko Dunord Lil Kev Kosamine Theodrax Joey B Lucas Barding Lil Debbie Cupcake Taryn says Hey, Oreos are rabbit. Sandalwood Mountain offers peace for your soul. Whimsical fuckery. Megan with an H. Hey, it's Warranty Lady. Look, I've been thinking, maybe it's best if we, you know, saw other people for a bit. I need more. Patricia the Time Lord. Is it, though? Mango Connoisseur. Britty Bug and The Quirky Jester. The Big Moose Demands Justice for Betty and Malu. That old glory coal. GL Meownaise Cat Butler. O'Sheen Liu. Alex Berry. Andrew Oakden. Asymmetrical Exile. Churro Cat the Sun God. Eliza Travels the Universe, Alex Spence, Dr. D. Birdclaw Spweather, and Mrs. Duboptaway Birdclaw Spweather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I lost my galaxy britches in a game of pants darts. Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, most likely Cass. James Harlow saw the claw and named it Bethany. The sweet planetary aroma of Fiona's grilled cheese sandwiches. Jasmine James, Dr. Caber Ant, also known as Omni. Thanks, Waffle Chateau. Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Anatha, Zendria, Jennifer Calkins, Guacamoleo, Midday Burger, Don Parks, ThroatGoat666, Oh My God, My Dad Found Out About My Patreon Name, Princess Leia, SonicBoy99, Would Like a Bethany Butt Sandwich But Will Settle For A Fish in a Bag, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish Realm, Little Lord Stevie Pie, Droid Pirate Finley and His Rubenesque Parrot, Droid Pirate Finley and His Rubenesque Parrot, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Sea Squatch, Deflater Mouse, Tony P. Karski, Adrian R., The Devil from Table 12, Javier, Crazy Thadley, Cremulous is just happy to be here, The Twisted Twigster, The Rural Juror is a massive fan, Faye Queen, Oopshnart the Probability Demolition Expert, Showtime, C.R. Iptid, For My Mother, CCTX Girl 6823 Waiting on the Diner, Nicole Studioso, Waiter, there appears to be a shovel in my soup. Ridiculous! Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque... Penguin? Truck Stop Sandwich, Indigo Escargot, Love My Captain, Joe Malma, Wandering Biscuit, Castriff, Aims Affection for Internet Protection, Night Script, Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig. Lana Bananas in Pajamas are coming down the stairs. Lana Bananas in Pajamas are chasing teddy bears. Uhtred and Rose's Viking Void Vitals fueling the intergalactic fight against fascism. Not sure what I'm doing. Leia Rose. River Brown. Senior Deuce. Warped Rider. Tim Nacy. Ruben Clamso. Turwin. Hugh the Mini Mungo. Morgan Brockman. Sylvie. Friendly Neighborhood Fire Protection Engineer. Skullbulb. Dustin Watson. Betty White 813. Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster. The One True Cheap Con. Starscribe. Lucian Thunderstruck. Oh, ma mama. Glorbnar 7 now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Dewser now identifies as Roman Durge The Other Adele Chef Gal Val Leah Hall Sarah May Cone of Silence Consultants LLC Needs Fresh Towels in Room 3 at the Horizon Silly Willy Bubble Butt Sierra Not From Arkansas Zeeco Ebenezer Boob Caleb Tumiala Jason Woods Arnie Arbuckle Esquire Digital Floof Lost in Time Potion Maestro Nebula Nell Regulators? Mount Up The First Ascendant Kringle Over Coffee Mad Yogi Eileen A Cat Named M Petito Pato Palace Big Mo Demonic Narwhal 8 I am Annie I live forever in every moment I've existed I swear to every star in the cosmos I never forgot it was a gift The Stone Fox Trisha Schaefer says Ew, David that is not a taco Sylvia Juicetin Pepitos Boing Hauer Bethany in a Random Place Jennifer Baumer Ninja Grim Reaper Miles Nelson I am a bomb till I think of something better to do Eberit Words Hotshot Huntley Momo's Mama Space Mormon Says What? Ivy Paisley Toast Sue Watts Myrtle Caitlin Leader of the Unicorn Revolution Transdimensional Delivery Man Matlock Lord of the 13th Sea Mr. Trigvie Printing with Cats Khaleesi Del Mar Von Vega Dixie Dinah 7,000 Possums Sarah Jack Sparrow's Space Pony Revive Debbie E Emma Mr. and Mrs. Owo Dusty Ventures and his pilot Uzi Drifting Through Space Ronnie Porter Gloria's Line Cook Eagle Rock Lobster The Gabbiest Painter And Her Bird of Fire Wandering Wenjoe, Painted Oni, Q-Del, Pharrell, Emily with two E's, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblick III, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops Where's My Thribble, Mad Goat, Jackie Wavelet, Yayoi Gagarin, Issa the Strega, Dee Greitzler, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy, Leopard Donut, Poofy Thang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Matt Matt Sharkman, Steelo, Arcadia, Bumbling Lilybee, A quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny tea. I forgot my tea. Boofardy's Nuts. Panda. Curtis Lellig. Kennedy Allison Farner. Tristan Stolls. Daylon Y. Shadow Rapture. Yet another Nicole. Hank the Wonder Llama. R-Craft. Russell. Zephyrus Wind. The Ornamental Hermit. Jay to the Lynn. Just a regular Fox. Jeremy Impson. What the hell? Cineplex. And all the black people in North Carolina. Just Rachel. Waffles, waffles, waffles. Danger Girl. Atlas Bear. Patty the Ginger. Ava's Cigarette Ash. Hugh Biffed It. Hey, Zeus! Anaphylaxis, scav with contacts, the shape-shifting sad girl and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Baby Baba, Sarah Nicole, the Kells fights with the Bethanies, Angry Leif's Lasersaw, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Source Decay, the Spweather Caroling Banjer, Skeksis, Vagabond Mary, Randy's Amigo, Katie Mermaid and the Delinquent Duo, Norman, Nicole, Victor Schauberger, reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake, Max Dangers, Security Chief Schatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Naya Nix-Reno, Frankenator, Nordlebash, Jordan, Arwen X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hefeweizen, Monica and Mason K. In the mysterious AZHQ, I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of mics, a jumble of Jameses, a trifecta of Tonys, one of whom still wants to be Leif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Lady of the Black and Herald of the Stars, Arianne can't manage normal Ryan Burnett The Joyful Nihilist Dr. Dr. B Zoprez and the Bumble Army Growing into my farm boots Super Beth becomes an RN Alongside my bootstub farm friend Geneva Boss Brothers of the Cosine Uncivil Gnomes The Rat Queen Evelyn Great Lunch Conversation The Other Scott Letty Lou He was a shifty one That Nick Howard Kinger was here Bobby Ray Winland Jr. Bebop Be Dabba Doo Wop Warped Echoes Slabs McTerps Robert O. Tardis wishes your 2026 to be bigger on the inside. Danny Mars, Externally Screaming, But Bethany, I Made Biscuits, Scebo and Fuzzle McBumpernets, Neelix Tiny Wolf, Asher the Raven, Christina Senatis Teleporting, BRB. The Shanes are not organized enough for a war, but there is a growing number of us, and it is concerning. Definitely not an android. Seriously, I'm not. The Wandering Welshman, Whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Capo the Sartorius, Z3DT Shy Sparrows BLTN The Kiwi Duckling Dana Dana Bobana Fee-fi Fofana Dad and Aubrey The Dirt Bike Demons Tequila Mockingbird Snuffleupagoose Iso Pale Oh no A bee! I am Lord Zoltan Hear me roar! Pocket Ghost Max Mags the Conqueror Wes and Heather Wonder if Derek Adair will join My cat's name Is Beef Katie Kate Get your colonoscopy Victor Casados Emily Schmemely Work for Melvis Boho Go Bye Bye for Jojo Pogo That's a no-go, bro Cody Monster, Collided Mind, Miss Nixie, Baby Baton Lee, Charlie Rudel, Kyle Perino, AK, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, The Wandering Mermaid would like you to know that the Little Mermaid and the Creature from the Black Lagoon are the same exact story. Little Stevie Pie, Green Mountain Hermit, Death Allergic to Bethany Stew, Two Polar Cat, Carl, the Teller of Dad Jokes, Skylab's Multidimensional Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Verde Soul, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngin, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Local Marsh Hag, Daniel Knits, Mavis Bacons, Pyros Calling, Joe Suasion, the Wizard Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious, and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 24th Doctor. Too many gens! Cat Jot, Pamela Roselle Tierra, Then Steena says, Thud Tweed, Enigmatic Catbird, Countess of Carbon, Slappy the Squirrels, Ted Slapping Rampage, Luminous Elk, Rhodian Caution, Lois for the Nierds, Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash and the Surviving Crew, Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Quote says, Joe is the writer's room. Awkward Heretic, Devin 7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Kay, Lost Basan, you know, the Moon Prison, Outside the Triad, Kim Sell, Silly Goose, Honk Honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saberwolf, Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters, Precious, It's Just Steve, Sweets Martinez, Sharnobyl 610, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Chut, Bremble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and your friend Frosty, Nosaguaro, Benbar, stand clear of the closing doors, please, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunge, Ted Wassonason, Virestria, Theosis the Theologianish, Nicole, I love you, but I will name kid too, Brathar, Fernwood gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tots, Gemini Sky, Phantoms Moms, Callison, Hornswoglin' Daniel Arthur, Mike LeCluzy, It's a It's a Fucking Dog Rapture, Abigail LeHoux, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborn Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Duna, Alexica Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Bet to Bet, ha ha ha ha ha, Matt N, Alfie Revenurum, Momo Nikiki, Frelp, M Lynn, Feed My Fish, JRR on SFP, Lahari J. Spark Lucid Harbor Little Mira Leopard Paws Diet Night Mars Royalty Take 20 Damage Macy's Bandstand Kim Bob Battle Pope and Bugaboo Snorts Magortz Fresh Squeezed Patrick Holt Atlas B Hold it now Hit it Had it Had it Had it Hud it Bradley Ashby Peter Megan Okio William Dyer Vicky Hebert Brad Baneer Jane Hannah Dale Phantom Zone Crystal Delightful Gruntled Killshot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bo Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowey, The Little Pigeon, Lily the Pantry Brain, Crazed Bear. Coming this holiday season, Dr. Lattice Trash Angel action figures restocked. Boots scoot to your local toy shack today. Crafty Lizard Quilts and Knits and Crochets, Noble Barrel, Yes My Brain Is Weird, Thank You, Bethany Boppity Boom, Megan The Meg Young, Corey Moroz, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Jenny Wren, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Araneta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Watcher, Mary Kirby, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Belladonna, First of Her Name, Criddle, Twilio, Heidelberti, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Azana the Leathersmith, Salazar the Dome Mage, The Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's Finest, Garen Elizondo, To My Little, You'll Always Be My Good Girl, You Took a Piece of My Heart and Left a Pawprint on My Soul, Till We Meet Again, Sir Shits-A-Lot Strikes Again, Damn Animal, Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, 5, Cruzen B. Anthony, Trix says wherp, Tybalt the First, Xavier Romo, Alley Frog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Freya Titmittens, Courtney the Frogologist, Courtney and Stephanie says hello, the Funtucky Wrangler, Scrim Brulee, yay, Aaron, the Singing Loon, Zuzanna, Celeste Yost, I'm so Antigone fun, I'm Ava's evil twin sister Bethany, Katie and Noah, Hendrix the Stink, the Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldo Simeone, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian bloodbath, the defenestration of Ted's, Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mac, the Something Something Detective Agency, Haya Buddha, Eli the Electrician, Sunny D'Anomaly, Charmé, K-On with Karma, Amanda Nock, the Wondrous Methasophon, a post-turtle evaluation squad, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, Gracefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Enchuligan, Cryptessia, Rebecca Trossel. See, when I said, good God, there are so many names, the names weren't their own show yet. Chris from Tacoma, the real fairy godmother, Sir Alphonse Suitperson, Knight of Hood's Pocket, polished pauldrons pacing pine paths, protecting pocket from sneaky skullduggery. Mitzi Lu, Kelsey Holm, still Casper's number one fan, but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom. Amanda Marie Catherine Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer Matt Mosby Saint Phu Harry Fishnuts Joshua Cody Astrono-Weeb Mag Knows the Civil Gnome Welcome everybody, I'm Hydealon and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger Emotional Support Group David Pierini Techno Ranger Rick Joe's Weez Laugh Virgo Ares Infinity Best Buds Danny and M Charles Q. Choi A Bug Named Nat Cece Ryder Hunter B Rudra Death the Kid Big Whiskey All Cockinator Ron Was Here Badgec Pony Robert Oliveri Off and Wrong Dan Jess Gioia Paul A. Johnson Killer Odd Dr. Punt Gusher Esquire is rooting for you. Please root for Punt 2. He has an interview. Creator 67 Bajolanth Leif's One True Love Mermaid of the Dark Seas Cosmic Shrug Incorrigible Ross Deborah Wales SCRB Mark 11 Eric A. Raybourn Maggie's Yarm Stu Anthanomaly Megan Mighty Haunt Purple Saline Three Legs Are Perfectly Good Drew and L.A. Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal The Ice Queen Captain Blep Evie Power Terry PJ Says What? Amelia Lucero et al. Fair Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon Blargo Blargo Blargo The Jazzman Tonight at 11 Larak the Barbarianess Hicks Bezzy Mates Zealous Pragma Tuba Rick It's Just Blake Alice Malice Disco Barbie Edition Kelly Jane Dankey Aaron the Optimist Thomas Stolen aka Casper from another universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Oscar Engels, Ava, no not that Ava, the one within, love! Grim says, trans rights, y'all. Zeki Dat, Underwater Corvid, Underwater Corvid, Spizarinctum, Snakes and Bakes, Michael Christian, Ransom, Mnudmyselil, Grawlix and Tarabang, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Dances with Burritos, Original Recipe, Erin Mitchell, Lady Keanu Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Maloran, Sweet Michelle, Kara, Call Me Zen, Colibri, Belle Momberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler, What the Chuck, Sonia Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Voorhis, Naya DeRusso, Peachy Zatoichi, Ingy the Crack and Azula the Brave and their ever faithful squire Grabthar, Jen Extranius, Dancing Dog Dreams, Trinket Coralie, and Existentially Exhausted Bean. The Fable and Folly Network Where fiction producers flourish